Char from the Forums here with your review! Sorry I took a bit in getting here, but here I am doing this review! Yay!
So far, your character to me seems young but determined to be independent. They’re willing to do what it takes to get going in life. I liked how when they were recounting their past at Hogwarts, they kept noticing the trend of Weasleys popping up here and there.
A few things of note:
Again, the names of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley came up again. - I would watch sentences like these, where the same word is repeated in the same sentence (such as “again”).
Apparently they have been secretly dating - you switch to present time from past tense.
I did see a few more grammatical and spelling errors. I would look at getting a beta or a quick beta to take a look at this chapter so that these can be picked out and fixed. Just so that this chapter is absolutely perfect for you!
Overall, I’m not sure how this would stay to just a one shot because already in a few thousand words you’ve done a nice job at setting up this person to whatever you want them to accomplish at W3. This chapter feels like a set-up, not like the beginning and middle of a story. I have a sense of the character as above, but I still don’t even know if this person’s female or male and how they actually interact with other people. So far it’s just been introspection.
I kind of like how their main focus is on Weasleys and not on Harry Potter. It’s funny thinking of them as being more famous than Harry but, hey, there are more of them.
I think you did a good job of description and flow here. There was a lot of back and forth between past and present, but it helped align the reader to who this person was that they’re reading about. Like I mentioned before, I don’t yet have a gender or a name, so it would be good to get into that soon if you’re going to make this longer. :) And take a look at getting a beta or a friend to look this over more specifically for grammar and spelling stuff.
xChar Report Review
Hi! Char from the Forums here with your requested review. I’m going to comment as I go along except for like the middle when I just get into the chapter and stop commenting :P But I will give you a summary at the end of the review and hopefully address the points you brought up in your “Areas of Concern.”
Mary patted down her flying hair and walked slowly through the platform of students just as a wayward Hufflepuff scarf blew up and hit in her in face. - I appreciate this line as well as the paragraph that it was in, mainly because you’re focusing on giving me, the reader, a sense of the environment, getting into the details so that I can get into the story more. (It worked, just so you know.)
So I did catch the bit of foreshadowing about further elucidation on Mary’s relationship with particular Slytherin boys (and if there is no such allusion, then just leave me to my assumptions). However, I became confused at the next sentence: They let it slide like they allowed it to slide again as they settled beside Florence who was about halfway down the Great Hall. - maybe because “slide” is used twice in the same sentence?
Alright, so let’s address a few points:
You’re right, the chapter is a bit slow. I understand that it’s a set-up for the whole short story and not every story can begin with some sort of magic duel or something. Also, this is the “beginning of the school year” type of story and, really, there’s only so many ways you can write them. Witness JKR’s own approach at having her kids start their new year at Hogwarts, they’re always different as there’s only so many times one can read about the train ride and the Opening Feast.
With that in mind, you did rather well in keeping it somewhat different. Specifically with the interactions of the four girls. Florence totally comes off as bossy and really outgoing. Mafalda comes off as “the smart one” but also with a bit of a “smart-mouth” at the same time. Lily, not too much of a handle on her as we see her so little, but that comment by Florence was interesting, as if she’s jealous or got something against Lily.
Now Mary: she’s a bit of a tough one to get a grip on for me. I think it’s mainly because you describe her as so much of an introvert and I personally can’t connect with that. You did well on describing her inner thoughts but for some reason, there was a lot of inner analyzing that kind of just made Mary more obvious rather than describing just how she felt and leaving us to make the connections. My caution would be on not completely pigeon holing her in that respect.
Like I mentioned earlier, your attention to detail is very nicely done. It’s one of the things that saved this “going back to Hogwarts” chapter from being entirely alike to others.
Maybe more foreshadowing could be done with the above in the Mary in a trancelike state after being pushed. I have no idea if that’s what’s to come in the coming chapters of this story but if it is supposed to be, you could draw a little more attention to it. Or not. You could just hook the reader in with the next chapter or so!
I did not mean to come off as harsh so please forgive me! If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.
xCharAuthor's Response: Hey Char!
Thank you so much for stopping by and critiquing this! It wasn't too harsh by any means and I appreciate what you've had to say and agree with a lot of it. You've just highlighted almost all the things i was unsure of myself.
I agree this is a too slow beginning for a story and it's been bothering me for a while. I think i'm going to change it a little to foreshadow an event more strongly that I was going to have happen in a few chapters so that it's more clear that something is going to happen. I may change when the even is going to happen to and make it in the second chapter, we shall see.
About your comment on Mary. She's hard for me to connect to as well but she's the timid, introvert person she is right now for a reason that will come about later. I've written her very intentionally to be like this at the moment and i'm afraid as much as i'd like to change her I can't at the moment. I will tone down the obviousness of her character though and make it more subtle so it doesn't seem like you're getting slapped in the face with who she is! That's not fun for anyone! :)
Florence's comment about Lily does mean something, i think a little of both of what you've said about it. I've never seen Lily as a saint, especially not at Hogwarts and i find it a lot more interesting if she becomes who she did in a gradual way rather than she was always just a really good person. She's going to have a lot of personal growth at some point so she can be the person who sacrifices herself.
Thank you so much for your comments! They were really helpful! First chapters are really important and i'm rubbish at them so it was good to get some feedback.
-zayne :) Report Review
Char from the Forums here with your requested review! I tend to comment as I go along and then summarize my overall review at the end.
The quote from Paradise Lost is so apropos! Have you read the book? Is that what made you think of this?
So far in the story, I am really digging Nott's overly righteous and zealous attitude. I can feel his concern for his sons but also his disdain for what they've become and who has won the war.
Harry Potter, the Boy Who Destroyed, the one Chosen to Die - I don't really think of what the Death Eaters must have called Harry on their side. The names associated with him on the light side of course would not fit for them.
I dug the language that you wrote this in. Most of the descriptions really came off well but there were some places where the words seemed a bit convoluted and may have taken away from the moment more than added to it. There were some minor grammar and spelling points as well.
I like that you are doing a story like this. I find minor characters from the books a little hard to work with considering the fact that so little is written about them. I know that this should make it easier because then you can develop them as your own, but sometimes authors have a hard time doing that. This doesn’t seem to be the case here.
His personality and viewpoints are clear here. He is loyal to the Dark Lord to the end and really does believe that what he did and what he fought for was the right thing. However, you also get into his own conflict over the matter, with his son refusing to follow his own path.
xCharAuthor's Response: Hi!
I'm currently reading PL for school, and there's a lot of powerful quotes in there! Also, I thought the themes of PL fit so well with a lot of the themes with this story, and would help to tie the chapters together. There's the themes of rebelling against a higher power, of falling from grace, and of tricking/convincing others to fall with you. Also, PL can be read as a Republican text that offers the reader many choices and encourages themto make their own choices and judgements, which I saw as relevant to my story as well! :) Good to hear that you liked it!
I'm glad you liked Nott's voice and attitude! He's definitely a very contrary character, in how he loves his sons and wants the best for them but is also so entrenched in Voldy. Like you said, he's very conflicted, and there's no real happy ending for him.
I will definitely go back over the story and look out for wordiness and grammar mistakes. :)
I enjoy reading and writing about minor characters as well! Nott was pretty simple because we know next to nothing about him in the books, and also he's a minor character in my WIP so I went off that a bit. I really enjoyed getting into his head.
Thank you so much for this great review!!! :) Report Review
I'm just glad to run across a Rose/Scorpius story that doesn't involve forbidden love! Of course, the fact that it's written by you makes this even better.
I enjoyed reading about the insecurities of Scorp, though it was such a minor one, I could feel how important it was to him. I think growing up in the kind of household we all assume he did makes these types of worries all the more real.
Rose's total unconcern just highlights the type of life she lives separate from Scorpius. She's comfortable enough to not even care about parents possibly separating them and knows that she'll always be able to have friendship.
This was just so nice to read.
xCharAuthor's Response: Hello, stranger! Fancy seeing you here :)
I'm pleased that you liked seeing the differences between Rose and Scorpius. It was fun to play around with the fluff without the usual romantic tension between the two of them. I like to think that the differences in their personalities helped to bring them together in ways that Ron and Hermione never experienced with Draco in the series.
Thank you for this lovely review!
-Amanda Report Review
Again you slay me!
You will have to forgive the briefness of this review as I am typing on a mobile, but I can squee for as much as I'm capable of typing!
The premise and execution of this one-shot is most effective. I'm gripped from the start with your summary. I love the way you give us outsiders' viewpoints on Bill and Fleur and slip neatly into Bill's side of things.
But Fleur was not of the air: she was earth and fire, a being made from the lifeblood of the soil, an imperfectly perfect person with strong opinions and a temper of towering ferocity.
What a beautiful description. This quote has probably been quoted in each of the reviews of this story but I don't care. I'm going to quote it again, and I have.
Anyway, the small moments that you allow the reader to peak in are simple yet so perfect to give us a glimpse of the happy life they led. It totally justifies Bill's complacency with her current attitude toward him.
How tragic that she no longer really recognizes him as her husband but she knew and she cared enough to try to help him through it as much as she could before the dementia took over.
This kind of reminded me of The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks but with that added awesomeness of beautiful description and Harry Potter characters.
xCharAuthor's Response: Hello again! Oh, you are just too kind to me!! :)
I'm so happy to hear that you liked this story!!! Hearing that the story's structure: going from the nurse's POV to Bill's, was really great to get feedback on, and I'm glad that it worked. I rewrote the beginning so many times and knowing you liked it is very reassuring!
Aw, thank you! I loved that quote too, I had a clear picture of how Bill saw Fleur in my head and am glad it came across in print. :)
I'm really happy you pointed out Fleur's efforts to ease her transition into dementia for her husband, as I thought it said a lot about her personality. She's very caring, and she likes to be control, so descending into dementia would be so devastating for her.
It is a bit like the Notebook, isn't it? :)
Thank you so much for this really lovely and thoughtful review!!! :D Report Review
Whoa. That was actually a brilliant thought made even more awesome through this story! How did you even...? Where did that...? I'm a little speechless because the thought of that is just so JKR-like!!
The first thing that caught my eye in reading this was that you never referred to Tom Riddle as Tom. It's always "Riddle." I find that appropriate because it's an impersonal treatment to a name. He wouldn't want to acknowledge any more than he had to the connection to his Muggle father. The true name he would always wear would of course be "Lord Voldemort."
For his might was so great that he could be nothing lower than immortal, his identity no less than an avenging rebel angel content to rule in hell, as long as that hell was one of his own making.
I feel that this line describes perfectly the viewpoint that Voldemort has of himself. It's enough to be true but just twisted enough to not. Fits his own personality.
I admire that you took the time to think up and write the whole Sorting Hat song! Most author's I've read that involve Sorting just kind of tune the Hat out or say just the last stanza.
The story of Gryffindor and Slytherin was believable. Honestly when reading it, all I could think of was Thor and Loki :P
I find the idea of the two Founders being BFFs now part of my head!canon. And the Sorting Hat being a Horcrux would make sense! How would all that magic and sentience not be partly from a wizard's own mind?
The "battle" between the Hat and Voldemort was also nicely done. Voldemort was so confident, the Hat so unused to violation. But Voldemort also had healthy respect for it. Seriously, this is delicious in it's complexity.
Anyway, if you can't tell, I kinda liked this. :)
xCharAuthor's Response: Hi!! Thank you so much for the review, and such a lovely review as well!
I'm so happy to hear you liked this story and the idea of the sorting hat being a Horcrux!! I don't know, the idea just sort of popped into my head one day, and it just seemed to make sense!
Writing Riddle was really fun, and it's wonderful to know that you enjoyed his characterization. I feel like Riddle is definitely someone who is self-posessed and knows his own identity, since he basically created it himself, and I'm glad you noticed the use of his last name!
I really loved writing the song as well! I kind of wrote the whole Sorting scene around the song because I just really wanted to write it, haha.
Gryffindor and Slytherin are totally like Thor and Loki, both in looks and personalities! Another reviewer pointed this out, and it makes perfect sense. I think they must have been floating around my subconscious when I was writing that scene. :P
Thank you again for this really thoughtful review, and again I'm very thrilled to hear that you enjoyed the story! :D Report Review
Char here with your review from the Forums! The way I end up doing reviews is I start to comment as I go along but then just read to the end, giving you a summary once I'm done. Just to give you some warning.
First impression: Love your "attempt" at a banner, because girl, that's no attempt! That's an awesome banner!
The summary didn't quite make sense. Maybe it was the grammatical "'Cause?" Not sure. Mainly that sentence ('Cause somebody grew up, somebody was not going to be another Peter Pan stuck on his goner Wendy) doesn't quite fit in my mind. Maybe it's because "somebody" is someone that I haven't been introduced to yet? I know it's pretty sucky that I picked on this first, but it's what is supposed to draw the reader in, so I do want to make sure you have a summary that does that.
I DO love the whole Peter Pan metaphor though! And I'm intrigued as to who this story is about as it's all "OC" and "Other Pairing" on the story info!
I do love a story about friends becoming loves.
Who was going to think of parents, and scolding and eventual separation?
Oooh. Some foreshadowing there. Nice.
I sometimes feel that different direction was closer to you.
You switch from past tense to present tense here.
I didn't know if I was nostalgic about old times and your old stupid face,
Weak points about this one-shot is the tendency of run-on sentences and the changes in tense (as above). I'm totally guilty of run-on sentences so I'm not even going to go into trying to specifically point them out. Some of the thoughts could also be stated more succinctly but hey, if it floats your boat, I'm game. Just had to say that.
Now that I've done my job on the cc'ing, I can now squee!
I loved the rhythm of the story. As I was reading, I was like, "I feel like I'm reading a song, but not." And now I know why *reads Author's Note.* You make me want to listen to that song.
OK, GREAT song. No wonder you felt the need to write a story after listening to it. Honestly, even though I was all like "meep-meep-meep" about the run-on sentences and such, the overall style was interesting.
I was looking for a line that I could quote as a favorite or that stood out and was having a hard time because it isn't just a line that gets me, it's, like I said earlier, the rhythm. But eventually I did find a line:
Your last days were like the sand in a time glass, slipping through the gaps in my hands. I couldn't catch it, I couldn't hold onto it.
Wonderful image there.
I would suggest a beta, just to clean up some on the grammar and a few spelling errors here and there.
Otherwise, it was a beautifully told story with the emotion running all over it and pulling me in. His guilt, his regret yet also his love and nostalgia. Love it all.
(And no, no idea who this guy is, which I think is great. Keeps the mystery there.)
xChar Report Review
I'm a sucker for Snape stories! Especially stories where Snape gets what he deserves: a break. You're right in the part where he's dying, life's been pretty harsh to him.
There were a few grammar and spelling errors but overall very nicely written.
CharAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review! :) Report Review
Char here from the BvB Review Battle!
I think you should continue! You write so well, more than I actually expected for such a little next gen story :) this honestly feels like a beginning of a story rather than an end. I, along with Dom, hadn't expected her to get sorted into Slytherin so that was a good little twist.
However, what I think I mainly found so endearing was the little "Playing Mauraders" snippets we got of the cousins growing up. It brought more depth to them as compared to the usual "Next Gen goes to Hogwarts for the first time" banality that can be done
If you do continue, I'd be happy to continue reading it so you should let me know!
CharAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for your review! I'm really glad you like this story :)
I have a longer fic that I'm writing based upon this story, that I'm currently in the process of re-vamping. It's called No Second Chances, though I am seriously considering a name-change/makeover for it. Feel free to check it out if you'd like! And thank you once again for your super sweet review :)
~M Report Review
That. Was. Ridiculously. Flufyyy!
You have filled up my fluff-o-meter for the day, no, the entire year! Harry was perfect as dad. Still the familiar character we know, with sweetness and kindness and love, as well as just being a maturer person with the added years and fatherhood.
The boys were PERFECT. Just mischievous and full of adorableness. I loved how they were interrupting their dad in the beginning of the story and then stopped interrupting him as the tale unfolded.
Mixing Santa and Dobby's story was brilliant. It was fun to read and your description and flow were near on perfect.
And bonus Kreacher! Ah! It's almost too much! I think you really have put a permanent smile on my face for the rest of the day.
CharAuthor's Response: I'm sorry I have not responded earlier. It'has been a while since I checked in.
Thank you :) I'm glad this story made you smile. I had a load of fun writing this, and in some small way, bringing Dobby back to life.
Thank you again for reading and taking the time to review :) Report Review
That was actually adorable and sweet. It really makes me want to go eat something salty to compensate for the sugar running through my veins! Teddy's utter cuteness about not being able to control his metamorphagus abilities around Victoire is just too much to bear. I actually wish more boys were like that! It'd be a lot easier to see what they were thinking and stop making us so confuzzled all the time :)
In this surprisingly light and funny story, you slipped in this line that managed to touch somewhere deeper: It sometimes feels like the only things my parents have left me are a tendency for undercooked meat and a body that changes at the slightest whim or emotion. Okay, and a peaceful world. - but you did it without taking away from the overall tone of the story. That's something that can throw me off from a story - the author tries to put all sorts of tones in a one-shot and it just does not work. But you acknowledged the sadness that will always come with Remus and Tonks' death without lingering there.
Teddy's noble defense of Victoire after she'd spurned him for big muscle man was nicely done. Although, I would've liked to have more of a handle on her character and motivations, I understand you can be a bit limited with a one-shot told in 1st person. It worked but that's just something to think with in the future, should you tackle one-shots sometime soon. I can see that you're a bit busy with your main story which perhaps I'll check out sometime!
CharAuthor's Response: Hi! I hope it wasn't too sweet xD I'm really glad you liked it, and I'm going to go through it again to tighten up Victoire and Simon's characters :) Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Ah, High School, even if it’s Hogwarts. Boy crazy, friends who may or may not be friends…not something I really miss :P
Carter sounds pretty interesting! I like the back story you’ve given us though I could’ve stood to have more of it drug out. Having parents from different countries meeting in a completely random country and having their magical children but then also getting divorced. Kind of seems like the story of the century, eh? Unfortunately. I like seeing families that stay together but I guess having separate and more families like that can be interesting.
Carter seems to be such a little sarcastic thing to be so unknown and invisible. I like that she struck up a conversation with a random stranger (who has mysterious powers it seems) and then gets into it with the other friends she has there.
You write dialogue pretty well. I would concentrate on descriptions as well. Also, I think it’s pretty brave to tackle a story with mainly OCs. It’s basically like writing original fiction while just borrowing someone else’s universe, right? There were a lot of new people that you introduced to us, so make sure that you make them all flesh-and-blood people to us by giving us some back stories and relationships and thoughts/feelings from them and I think this story’ll do fine. :)
P.S. Also something seems off with the formatting as you've got a white background. Not sure what causes that.Author's Response: Thanks so much!! I'm currently writing the next chapter which really introduces everyone. and the formatting was kinda screwed up but i fixed it. technology these days.
I read this a little bit ago and have only now been able to leave a review! :P
I think this has been said earlier but this was written so well and so not like it was a “Task One Challenge” that I can understand why you beat out the other stories! (And that stings my ‘Claw pride just a tad bit :P )
What I liked most about this was that Neville Longbottom had a character arc to him in just under 2500 words. He realized that he could actually do something, could overcome adversity in his own way and not mess it up. I think the one thing that he had troubling him growing up (pre-Nagini) was the fact that he’d mess up, fall on his face or utterly fail on anything not relating to Herbology. So for him to see that he could actually face a dragon and get his mission accomplished, I can see how that changed him.
I absolutely loved the fact that he tickled his dragon! That is so brilliant and speaks, at least to me, how he’ll handle his Auror duties in the future. He won’t be one of those men who “shoot first, ask questions later” but he’ll actually be working for the greatest good and not to show his own power and might.
And how adorable was it that Neville thought of his grammy in producing his Patronus? ♥ That was SUCH extra love. So was the ending with Ron! :)
Post-Hogwarts Neville has always interested me because I like seeing how he’s matured now that he’s found his own inner strength and I think you showcased that well here!
xCharAuthor's Response: Hi there, Charlotte!
I love, love, love what you said about how Neville won't be one of those "shoot first, ask questions later" sort of people. I think that he tackles things differently than most. Where some would have seen the dragon and immediately thought to hurt it somehow in order to get past, Neville's first response was to tickle it. That says a lot about what I wanted to highlight in his personality. Just because it's a dragon doesn't mean it's not worthy of kind treatment; so rather than fight it, he just made it take a nice long nap. ^ ^
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
First! Look at me! I always love being the first to review a story :)
I like how you’ve approached a Marauders story with Remus telling Harry about their history rather than an author kind of assuming what happened, not sure if that makes sense. I think it’s fitting that the last Marauder be the one to tell the tales of the wild boys who ruled Hogwarts. Remus also seems to me to be the more appropriate story teller out of all the boys and Lily, as weird as that may be. I think it’s because I’ve always thought of Remus as more of the intellectual and the observer than the one building the Marauders reputation if you know what I mean.
A few things:
reputation of the [bulding] he said). – [bulding] = [building]
And I'm [writing] this for the – extra “t”
"Mary MacDonald and Sophie-Elise Bouvier[."he] – the period should be a comma and there should be more spaces there :)
woman with [flowig] black hair – [flowing]
It was interesting to note Sophie-Elise’s reaction to Sirius being accused of having betrayed the Order. I like that she knows that Sirius will never read that letter because that would be so him. He still hadn’t read it by the time he’d passed. It speaks of her knowing him well and was a subtle way of introducing how deep the relationship must’ve been.
Harry’s written like post-Sirius death Harry. The loss yet the need to know more also falls into line with people who’ve just lost someone. You want to know everything about them to help preserve their memory.
I also want to say that you do have a quality of writing about you. I can see that you are familiar with writing stories despite the fact you haven’t written anything new in years ;)
xCharAuthor's Response: My first review! :D
I was nervous at first about writting again and I know I have a few spelling mistakes, because English isn't my native language.
Thank you so much, your feedback means a lot! :) Report Review
AH! You updated!! Yay!
I read this when it first came out but I love it and I love that we're back to Frankie/David land. I can totally follow all the new characters and I'm liking the inside skinny we're getting on the goings on behind Auror doors.
And I love the not-fight that Frankie and David had! It's such a bf/gf or bf/bf (I guess) thing to have! And it went to naturally.
I love Connor dinners! I love that you're back!! *huggles* Report Review
Yeah! This got me all pumped up and like “Let’s go face dragons!” I love stories that bring me through some sort of emotional curve like that. Make me go low and then high. The dragon’s voice was so wise and old and Cho was actually like a real person to me. I like the dragon’s belittling comment of “just a dream” for some reason. I guess because your mind is the one doing the dreaming and with the human mind being a brilliant thing as it is, I don’t see how anything we dream up or invent can just be “just” :) I don’t think that made sense but know that I liked your story because it made me think and feel better in the end.
xChar Report Review
The varying genres that you can straddle (let alone the varying art forms) always amazes me. While the writing might be sparse, I think it works for what you’re trying to convey here. The prompts were woven in quite nicely, unnoticeable really as being prompts unless you looked for it.
Normally, mopey Cho gets on my nerves, but I like how you approached it here. She’s got the sadness about her (which btw, Comb her hair, blacker than ravens, in mourning since the day she was born. - my favorite line, so poetic yet not) but she’s also got a bit of spirit. Which is always good to see.
xCharAuthor's Response: Eee, thanks Char :3 I didn't want to make Cho into something she isn't. She was, well, mopey, but she had reason to be mopey and I'm sure she didn't *want* to be mopey (and her actions in joining the DA are pretty good indicators of that), so I wanted to give her her story, as sparse as it is. Report Review
Yup, what you put in your author’s note is totally how I feel at the end of this story. We all know what happens in the end so her Ravenclaw intuition is totally buzzing right now. Your dialogue and interaction was pretty good here and brought the story to life. I still don’t like Marietta though :P
xCharAuthor's Response: Yesss! Score on dialogue! I've always been a little worried about my dialogue, so I'm glad you thought it was good(: Haha, I honestly don't like her either:P
Thanks for reviewing!
LLL(: Report Review
You wrapped up so many different emotions in this short little story. We went from ridiculous and silly to sad and yet hopeful in the end. It’s a bit daunting and can be a bit off-balance with the varying spectrum of emotions you put here but somehow, because it’s a dream sequence, you got away with it.
I enjoyed the part about the exam and how out of the blue it seemed. The examiner’s snobbiness was fun to read about.
xCharAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you for your kind words! I just did my best. Exams and Ravenclaws just seem to go together, even in dreams. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
I loved this.
I don’t even really know why I loved it except I do. I’m going to ramble a little bit so that I can analyze my feelings more fully about it.
I guess I can start with this (it’s not the only specific line I loved but it was by far my favorite): I let him hold my wand sometimes, that little thing, and he waves it about and says things like “YOU – SHALL NOT – PASS!” - how gosh darn cute is that? ♥
This Cho I think rates up into my favorites of the way we present Cho. She’s scarred, she’s imperfect, she’s been in love and out of love a few times and now she’s got this adorable and clever Muggle husband who’s helping her through all of that. I loved that we got a glimpse of her life after the war, after her marriage to a Muggle and how that helped her through it all, is helping her through it. I guess that’s what I love about this :)
xCharAuthor's Response: Ohh, I'm so glad to hear that! Rambling is always good, in my book. Michael is adorable and perfect and all the sunshine Cho (should) need in her life, but whether she can accept it wholeheartedly is a different story to me. And eee, I'm so glad to hear that! I haven't read all of the entries, let alone all the ones from Ravenclaw, but there have been so many brilliant portrayals and I can't imagine this is worthy of being up there with the rest of them. She is definitely all of those things, and I like that you mention that her marriage helped and /is/ helping, since it's very much a process. Thanks again for such a lovely review, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
I like this Cho. I find myself surprised when I’ve been reading our ‘Claw stories that I like Cho in a lot of them. Maybe what I’m liking is how much the author is putting themselves into it :P
I like that she thinks of Cedric like this, like she has to live up to his death, to ensure he isn’t forgotten like it is so easy to forget. I like that she thinks she has to fight for him, to ensure that his dying was not in vain. In that way, Cho and Harry are alike. He didn’t want people to think that Voldemort hadn’t come back mainly so they could fight against V but also so that they didn’t forget Cedric – that he didn’t die by some accident but that he was murdered.
Cho’s fierce in this and Ravenclaw-ish through and through and I genuinely enjoyed reading this.
xCharAuthor's Response: Hi Char! I'm surpsied you liked this Cho actually- because I don't! She sort of blames Harry for Cedric's death deep down, and is pretty selfish.
At times, yeah, I think she's Ravenclaw-ish- but she's also a bit cowardly and pathetic :P I can't believe I'm actually insulting my own story in response to such a lovely review, but there we go. I think I made a few characterisation mistakes!
I'm so pleased you enjoyed the read, and thanks for reviewing! :3
-Annon x Report Review
That was fun to read! Broom races are a new introduction for me to the Wizarding world and a nice expansion of the usual and familiar we know. It makes sense though, just like we have car racing, they should have broom racing :)
I thought the ending was fine on its own. Hey, maybe you could’ve thrown in some colorful cursing from Kämpe but whatev, it worked! :) This was so different to read from our other submissions and so was refreshing.
xCharAuthor's Response: Hey Char!
Thank you for the lovely review! Me too - I am so happy to say that I myself haven't read any broom races before (now I need to search the archive for that).. because everything I write is usually not very original or refreshing for that matter!
Aw thanks! Colourful cursing might not be 15+, and I don't have any experience with writing cursing, but it's definitely something I'll look into! Thank you for pointing that out - now that I look back at it, KÃƒÂ¤mpe cursing seems like something entirely plausible and realistic that should happen! :P Thank you so much for the lovely review! :)
- MM Report Review
I do have to tell you that crying!Cho is not my favorite Cho. This is how I felt about her in the books.
I did like the little sequence that you put your story in, addressing the time that Cedric and Cho first met to the whole dream where it shows how she feels about him. I personally find it a little hard to write dreams but the way the story flowed made it seem very dreamlike – the location shifting without her realizing or questioning it was good. It’s what happens in my dreams: I go from place to place without even realizing that it happened nor really questioning it.
This was nicely written.
xChar Report Review
Ah that was twisted. This Cho is different from the others that I’ve read so far. She’s tough and weary and quite stripped of any innocence. I like that she faces the fact that her undying love and devotion to Cedric, long gone, is more twisted than it is sane. She acknowledges that yet refuses to let it go, on her own decision. This was a far more grown-up point of view that Cho’s been given than any other story I’d read.
I can see her giving up her life to help dragons and then devoting her time to one dragon in particular who she felt a connection to. She’s trying to prevent what happened with the real Cedric – losing it just like she lost him. I could connect with this Cho.
xChar Report Review
Ah, that was a beautiful and sad tale. We’ve seen many variations of the story of Cho and Cedric’s love and his death, and I love the amount of variety that everyone brings to it. I especially like that you decided to take it from Cho’s POV down the road, when she’s moved on a bit and made her own life separate from that time period yet irreversibly intertwined.
I loved the introduction of her little dragon friend, Qin Shi. That was different. Also, I’ve always thought of Cho as Korean, so it was also unusual for me to read about her being Chinese. I know JKR didn’t say it either way for her so I guess it works :)
I’m happy to have read this!
xCharAuthor's Response: Beautiful and sad. That's a good description :)
Yes--irreversibly intertwined. That was basically the meaning of the tattoo that stays with her, bringing her past with her everywhere.
As for Chinese--I admit I always assumed because Chang is a Chinese name...but yeah, JKR doesn't say it another way. Also I am not at all familiar with Korean mythology, so it wouldn't have occurred to me to utilize it.
Anyway, thanks for your review! I appreciate it :) Report Review
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