Hey, this is princessOFparis here from the forums with your review!
Scorpius: His character could have deserved a little more attention, especially since this is in his point of view. I like that you are sneaking in his personality into his dialogue and thoughts, but try and describe more how Rose reacts to his actions. Perhaps Scorpius could talk a bit more, since that seems to fit in with his personality. Make sure the reader knows what his character is like. Also, you mention in the summary that Scorpius loves red things. I think that should have been a bigger theme in the story, as well as more heavily emphasizing Rose's red hair.
Rose: Again, a little more work on her character; try and highlight the qualities that made her annoying to the rest of the school. Rose is not just a secondary character, so make sure you describe her more thoroughly.
Moving on: I didn't find any huge grammar and/or spelling mistakes (I think the previous reviewers took care of that one). I think expanding this story would be necessary, as you leave the ending open to more ideas. If you don't want to write more, you could edit the ending so it provides more closure to Scorpius and Rose's relationship.
Great job! 9/10Author's Response: thanks so much for the review! i'll be taking what you said into consideration as i continue to edit the story to perfection! Report Review
Hey, this is a great story, but I have some suggestions:
Characterization: It's great that you try and describe Katherine, but you should try and use more descriptive words rather than the same "boring and perfect". Also, since Katherine's OCD is mentioned in the summary, I think you should describe how that has affected her life before, and how others react to that, or if they even know about it. Laura, Lily, and Jane appear to be a big part of Katherine's life, so it would be nice if you described their personalities a little bit more. So far, all we know is that Laura is "immature", Lily is "sensible", and Jane is "the biggest troublemaker". Also, David's description is a little brief, it would do you good to expand on his character. Make the reader want to sympathize with him.
Moving on: I don't know if this is a huge deal, but it looks like this is in Marauders era, yet you have Fred and George in the story, so.. Plus, if Katherine is super boring (as you say), why would David want to date her? Be sure to highlight her special qualities so even the readers will like her personality.
Great Job! 9/10Author's Response: thanks for the advise, but im pretty much ditching the story anyway. Report Review
I saw the synopsis of the story and then started reading the first chapter (it's super good by the way) and I was like OH. MY. MERLIN. NEW GIRL, MUCH? HECK YES.
Anyway, I love Charlie and your characterization of James (I could totally see him stepping on his girlfriend's pygmy puff) and I hope your plot advances as much as New Girl does. 10/10 Report Review
Hey it's princessOFparis for your requested review! (sorry, this is so late)
FLOW: I don't remember Rose and Aurelia talking about Hogsmeade in the previous chapters (although, I read this in fragments so I might have forgotten), and in that case I think you would need some talk (maybe at the breakfast table) about the upcoming Hogsmeade trip. If, however, you did mention it and I simply forgot, then it is fine, although you may want to consider explaining a little more between the scene in the Potions dungeon and Hogsmeade.
I also think you could have made this chapter a little longer, as this would be prime time to start expanding James and Aurelia's relationship and also James' response to Valerie.
CHARACTERIZATION: Characterization of Aurelia was pretty consistent, however I'm still not able to paint a picture of her in my head. Start by describing more of how she reacts to different events.
Rose's behavior in this chapter was a little odd, considering she was much like Hermione in the previous chapters. To be consistent, I don't think she would skive off classes, but if this is essential to the story, then I would suggest Rose being more embarrassed about her relationship with Scorpius.
MISC. I think this chapter was a little choppy, going immediately from class to a family-oriented Hogsmeade trip. Try to stick to a theme in the chapter, and put more focus on your main events. In this case, I think the emphasis should be on Hogsmeade, not Evander. Also, you could put the shorter Potions scene into the previous chapter, although it is not necessary to the story.
Overall, I liked it! I want to hear more of Aurelia and James relationship, though. 9/10Author's Response: Thanks! :) Mine are always late too so no worries, haha.
I really do have to work on making my chapters longer and fleshier -_- And expanding the James/Aurelia relationship is a great point!
I don't see Rose as a very Hermione-ish character. She can be responsible and dedicated, but she also has a bit of Ron in her. Maybe I should have made that clearer in earlier chapters?
Thanks again! :) Report Review
princessOFparis here with your requested review!
FLOW: The flow of the plot in this chapter was much better than in the first, a more thorough and realistic scene. One thing that caught my eye was the similar theme you have here: Quidditch. This may be a good format to follow for your following chapters.
CHARACTERIZATION: As usual, the characterization of Aurelia is consistent. I'm curious to see if Aurelia will take McLaggen up on his conspiracy offer, it would show us a different side of her. Like I said before, try to create a round character with a strong personality.
MISC: Aurelia's surname "Proudfoot" is easily mistaken for "Padfoot". If her surname is of significant value to the story, then of course, keep it. However, it was a bit confusing at first.
Overall, great job! I'm curious to read more about Aurelia. 10/10Author's Response: Hello and thanks again! Your reviews are really wonderful! :)
I was sort of nervous to write about Quidditch because I'm not very sports/action-oriented, but I'm glad you liked the theme, and I'll definitely try to incorporate it more as a binding theme throughout the story! I'm not sure you'll like Aurelia's desicion, but it's definitely revealing in terms of her character...
Ahhh! When I was naming her, I just wanted there to be some connection between Aurelia and a canon character (Proudfoot is an Auror mentioned in book 5 or 6). But it is confusing, and I'll think about changing it!
Faux Report Review
princessOFparis' here for your requested review! I know you told me to review chapter 2 and 4, but I will get to that! This first chapter was amazing.
FLOW: This was good, although you did jump about a little too much, considering this chapter's length and such. Perhaps you could expand each scene, as it is a bit choppy.
CHARACTERIZATION: The way you portray Aurelia is consistent, but a bit bland. I don't know if she's loud, quiet, or hated by most. I think you need to develop her a little more in your chapter. However, her situation with her love interest is unique.
Also, as you wanted me to comment on characters' reactions, I think Rose would help her friend out if she was suddenly knocked down by a bunch of exploding cacti needles.
This was a very good piece, and I liked a lot. 9/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for responding! :)
I'll try to come back and expand the scenes. Maybe more dialogue, or I can work on developing Aurelia more throughout the scenes? I don't want Aurelia to be a cliche - "the quiet girl," "the loud girl," that kind of thing - but I'll definitely try to work on developing her as a character and making her more herself, if that makes sense.
Thanks again, this was really helpful! :)
Faux Report Review
princessOFparis' here with your requested review!
I really liked this last chapter compared to your previous two. It has more action, and that really moves the plot along. However, carrying out his evil deeds will make it even more fun.
One thing I would like to mention is your characterization. First of all, Lysander's evil mind is only one aspect of him. Is he a romantic, clumsy, or oblivious? Make sure Lysander doesn't become a one-sided character.
Great story. 9/10Author's Response: Thanks, I think Lysander will probably carry out some evil deeds in the next chapter, and the story will definitely get more exiting from there. Thanks again! =D Report Review
Hey princessOFparis' here for your requested review!
First off, as an evil genius, I think the first chapter deserves a little more limelight. As he so clearly establishes, he's a mastermind with great potential, and his character would be more suited to a loud, sweeping declaration of his love for Rose, and his plans for take over. I don't know if this is supposed to be in journal form or narration. In any case, dialogue would be nice.
I can't say much, as it IS only the first chapter I'm reading, but I think overall, it was a nice introduction to the plot and characters.
Good work! 9/10 Report Review
Hey princessOFparis' for your requested review!
First off, I think this was a very well written portrayal of Phineas, considering you don't usually write this sort of genre. I admit, I was not very enthusiastic about reading a non-romance fic, but you won me over. I especially like how you mixed sort of the canon personality of Phineas with some original thinking.
On your spelling and grammar, it is very good, though this line: "that being human and all fine" from your last paragraph is a little confusing. On your layout, remember to skip a line for your paragraphs, there were a few that were adjoined.
One thing I think could be improved is your concluding paragraph and scene. What you have currently seems a little forced. I would recommend bringing some closure to the last scene by emphasizing Phineas' walk back to Dumbledore's office. One way this can be accomplished is switching your concluding paragraph with this bit from your second-to-last paragraph:
"Shaking his head and still sniggering quietly, he made his way back to his Hogwarts portrait, ready to inform Albus Dumbledore that Sirius was indeed present in the house, though he didn't seem too happy about it."
Overall, I loved the characterization and the tone of this chapter. Phineas' attempt to justify his attitude is smashing. Good work! 9/10Author's Response: Hi!!
Thank you for your review!! I am glad you found it good overall.
Your comments are very valuable and appreciated! I will edit it out right away! Thank you for the helpful review once again :)
AD Report Review
Hey it's princessOFparis with a review for your challenge entry!
First off, I like the way you incorporated the quote I gave you into a tarot card reading. I also like your choice of characters: Parvati AND Lavender, as most authors find them both to be annoying and incapable of feeling.
One thing to remember is your dialogue rules; generally, with each person speaking, a new line is created.
"Blah blahdity blah blah." Ginny said.
^this is wrong
"Blah blahdity blah blah," Ginny said.
^this is right
There are also some exceptions for question marks and exclamation marks.
Overall, I really like your flow, dynamics, and also how your portrayed Parvati and Lavender's friendship as something more than a shallow fling. Something that I liked is the vagueness of the narrative; this expands on the Divination of the story.
Well, good job and I hope I didn't sound too harsh!Author's Response: Thanks for the grammar suggestions! I have a tendency to forget the rules of dialogue (I'm blaming this on writing too many academic essays and not enough stories during my misspent youth). Glad that you liked my treatment of Parvati/Lavender! I've always felt that they got raw deals in the books. Even silly teenaged girls can still grow into brave, talented, intelligent women with plenty of depth. I'm also very intrigued by Divination, I plan to expand on my theories about it in one of my other stories (which actually ties into this oneshot!).
Thanks so much for creating such a fun and inspiring challenge!
xoxo wenderbender Report Review
Hey it's princessOFparis with my review for your challenge entry!
There's a few grammatical/spelling errors, but hey, everyone makes them, right? Just remember to proofread a couple times, and you should be good.
I really like your creativity in incorporating the quote I gave you; also the excellent way you portrayed a different side of Petunia they never really show in the books. I noticed a good use of foreshadowing that came through quite well in this ironic insight into the Evans girls' childhood. The flow is excellent (although running through the house is quite exciting in itself, really)
I think an epilogue would be an excellent way to give some more closure to the story; also more narrative would give more insight into how Petunia saw Lily and magic in life at her age. However, I like the narrative you've got there; I think it really shows how a typical Muggle girl would view things at her age: the slight arrogance, the nonexistent acting career, and trying to distinguish between reality and fantasy.
Good work! 9/10Author's Response: Thanks very much for the review! I like your suggestions, so I'll take them into account!
Thanks again! ^_^
Leanne Report Review
Hey, I love this story so far, but I'm wondering, what exactly is your OC's name? I know her surname is Foss, but is her first name Charlotte or something? Sorry if I missed it. I'm kinda oblivious.
Anyway, very unconventional story, as these two people (albus and foss) aren't immediately hating each other, nor are they totally in love. They're sorta a mix. It's a great story, but I think you could work on your dialogue, as Foss is a teenage girl, and I think generally girls speak with contractions like, "I'll" instead of "I will", ya know?
Also, make sure you follow dialogue rules: with each new speaker, start a new paragraph.
Other than that, I love it so far. 10/10Author's Response: I swear I have mentioned her name at least a few times. HMM oh well it's Charlie. :D
Yes dialogue, I speak with contractions like any other person would but when i write i write all proper. I don't know why I just do. But that can be easliy fixed.
And thanks for your lovely review! :D Report Review
Aw...Colin and Minnie! How sweet. Btw, this is pinkPygmyPuff from over at TDA, wanted to check out your stories! Colin and Minnie...lovely names. +swoon+ It's very unexpected that Scorpius and Lily marry, because most conventional stories have a ScoRose in it. Very un-cliche. It's a good thing!Author's Response: Hey! Thanx 4 reviewing! I used to love Lily and Scorpius together, but now im Rose and Scorpius. I wanted to do Lily with him because i wanted more variety, if you get what i mean? Thanx 4 reviewing! Report Review
Hello there! I really like this story, I like the idea in itself and also the way you wrote it. A few things to consider:
-I found a few he/she errors, so just go back and reread it out loud.
-It's a different kind of beginning, but you may want to put in some more background on what's happening in the story. It's not TOO rushed, however, I really don't know if Troian is sarcastic, charming, fun etc. Being nerdy is only one aspect of her.
I don't know why this doesn't have more reviews or favorites! It's an awesome story, and I hope you continue with more chapters. Just wondering, but how do you pronounce "Troian"?
P.S- I love the ending! My friends are all obsessed over the idea of me and this guy, even though they constantly pair me up with these two other guys. :D It's really quite odd, and apparently, they've been shouting this piece of information out for the entire school *groan* to hear, and people are always coming up to me and saying, "You like ?!"
So I can totally relate to Troian's situation.Author's Response: Wow thanks for the lengthy review! It's nice to have someone really critique the story as opposed to the regular "cool story" or "keep posting, I like it" haha. Yeah, I have a bit of a bad habit when it comes to not proof-reading my chapters before I post them... I should probably change that :P
I'm planning to go back through and edit these first two chapters after I write a few more (to add more background, character depth, etc).
And I pronounce Troian like "Troy - in", I thought it was a cool name and it just seemed to fit her. I wanted something different from the usual "Jessica" or "Emily", ya know? Report Review
OOOh! It was much more interesting! I like the part about the Merlin's striped trainers and the Merlin's polka-dotted left sock, very original. It's a little short, but hey, it IS hard to write so much for one chapter. I think it's nice, you introduced the conflict and stuff. Sprout hugging everybody? Never thought I'd see the day.
CYBER HUGS!!! AND GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!Author's Response: Thanks, I always thought Merlin's Beard was a little boring. I know it's short, but I'm working on making next chapter longer. And hay, Sprout can get emotional too. It's McGonagall who'll never be the huggy type. Report Review
Haha. I loved how all three POVs ended with the same line: It would just take time, and a little bit of luck. So cute!
It was an awesome story and everything, but I think you could expand more on it. Like, the scenes you chose were alright, but it didn't really capture the essence. They were too similar, and while that could be a theme, it sounds just like the same scene with different people in it. Maybe that was what you wanted, but I think you would need at least a chapter for each POV, if you plan to edit it, because the characters aren't really developed. I think the best way to improve this would be to make it a short story collection.
Anyway, I really liked it!Author's Response: Hiya! Thanks so much for the review! I'm really glad you liked it!
Good points! I should explain more that my stories are all internally consistent - the James Sirius you hear about here is the same James in "You're Not Sorry", Harry is the same Harry in "Trains..." "Nepotism" and "The Brightening Glance". Because of this they are all kind of snapshots of the big story. So, in that way, they are all eachothers sequels, and more are in the way.
That isnt really answering you is it? Basically, yes, the characters arent fully developed here - but everything i write fits into a kind of short story collection, so theres bits of them everywhere, if you have the patience to read anymore.
That is what I wanted, I chose to make them similar in ways and different in others. But I get what you mean! :)
Thanks again! Report Review
Hey hey. It was pretty interesting, but you might want to add a little more snazz to it. Favorite quote: "SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM! I HATE YOU! YOU ARE SO MEAN! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME! SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM! BLAH BLAH!"
I was definitely not like my daughter Lilly when I was a kid."
haha, SOO funny. Bananas look like phones.
P.S. Lilly is actually Lily. Just saying. Just one L!Author's Response: Thanks for the review... sorry about the spelling though...lol Report Review
Oh Merlin...How should I say this...THAT WAS AWESOME! Anyway, so today, I met someone named Daria, and then I totally attacked her with hugs, and saying 'I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR NAME IS DARIA!" And then I went on to retell the whole story to her. And THEN when my best friend pulled me away, I yelled out for her to marry someone named Fred or James, because I "might not see her for a long time!" Needless to say, her and everyone within hearing distance (the whole school, I'm sure. I have a very loud yelling voice) looked at me like I was Loopy Lovegood.
So, I think that pretty much sums up my extremely positive feelings for this story!
10/10Author's Response: Hello(!) my official favourite reviewer - that was definitely the best review i've ever received! Your actually one up on me though because I've never met someone with the name Daria, I just liked it haha
Hmm, I know I've said this to at least the last two reviewers before you, but I really do plan on updating soon. I had a little mishap and managed to delete the next chapter and... I hate rewriting things. Plus I'm currently writing another one of my brain babies (that I will probably at some point try to shamelessly advertise on this fic) and then there's the stuff I have to do like college etc
Anywho Thank you again! And I really hope you bear with me and keep reading (there may even be a surprise for you in the next chapter)
If I were a story, I would marry this story. I love it. I don't really agree with the ending, but I love the story! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. (:
Haha, everyone always says that about the ending. Speaking of which, the sequel to this story is up right now! You should go check it out!
Thanks for reading! Report Review
Wow. Just wow. I mean, at first, I was KINDA upset that she didn't end up with Fred, but WHAT THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE'S DOING?!?! Huh? Mollie is a perfectly nice girl, no need to be cheating, Fred! Gosh, i sound like a grandmother. And now, I'm swooning over James again. sigh. Oh! Good Job, by the way. 10/10! Fred, I want you to promise me that you'll never ever ever ever cheat on Mollie. Or if you feel you must, that you make a dramatic apologizing scene about it, and make me totally fall in love with you again. *hint, hint* hehe. Really, good job!
P.S I know this is from an earlier chapter, but it's weird how Harry had an affair with Hermione. Sucks. Harry Potter, I no longer worship the ground you walk on. You're mean.Author's Response: Hahaha, thanks for such a nice review :)
I know what you mean, Freddie's a poo. Now I sound like my four year old sister haha.
Ah I totally forgot writing that - it's been way too long :( - and now I feel a bit bad...
Oh well, thanks again! xx Report Review
Wow, just wow. I mean, wowie! This chapter made me cry so much, even though I (theoretically, since I never actually GOT with Potter the second) moved on from James. Sigh. I'm totally on your side, Effy! Totally.
anyway. Moving on from the slightly depressing mood, I totally loved it! I would so be the Lily in my family. I annoy my bro so much, tho he never actually had a girlfriend...hmm...maybe he just didn't tell me... ahha. (oh, and I don't mean 'haha' me and my friend both have crushes on James and Albus, and we made up secret codes for them. James is 'ha', and Al is 'ah' so together, its 'ahha'! Brilliant, right?)
So, yeah, I loved it.
oh. and P.S. I'm not a cheerleader despite the 'totally-ies' of the review. :) 10/10 Report Review
You know, I used to have something against this story whenever I saw it in a list of stories. Today, I'm so glad I went mental and tried reading it. I now know why so many people read and review this particular story. I love it.
P.S. I don't have anything against it now! haha. 10/10Author's Response: Haha that ALWAYS happens to me! I'll see a story, and for some reason I just really really don't want to read it, and then I'll read it and love it and then hate myself for not reading it sooner:)
I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for giving it a chance! :D Report Review
OMG, YOU HAVEN'T UPDATED FOR SO LONG! I WAS DYING!!! Anyway, enough dramatics +hair flip+, I loved it! But I'm a bit confused about what Dom is saying. Am I supposed to get it? But overlooking the end, I think it was JUST, SO TOTALLY AWESOME! 10/10Author's Response: was it really that long? Jeez I didn't think it was, and because of the que closure I think it'll be even longer before next time :( I'm sowwy.
As for what Dom was saying, look back. It kind of explains itself? But I really don't expect all to understand so you'll just have to wait! Mwahaha sorry I'm so evil. Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
Pretty cool story, but I think you could make it a bit longer, and set the mood a tiny bit sadder, and more sentimental, after all, its dead people coming back. Isn't that just a little creepy? Anyway, i loved the story.Author's Response: It was sadder in the beginning, but I was only allowed three quotes, and so the thought behind all the quotes weren't there. And of course it is creepy! Why wouldn't it be, people are coming partly back to life a while. Thank you Report Review
ok, i love the James Potter the second! I totally wish I had redhair!!!Author's Response: I totally agree XD Report Review
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