Reading Reviews From Member: shez
  
57 Reviews Found

Review #26, by shezNot Normal: {Chapter the Second}

4th December 2013:
Review tag!

Heeeyy :) So I think I R&R your chapter 1 some time back and so here, I am, doing chapter 2 of what is turning out to be a very amusing story. Regulus is hilarious! I can't explain it but he has a very Cap'n Jack Sparrow vibe to him --maybe I'm just envisioning him as Johnny Depp. His and Ellie's conversation is a blast to read. They have such great chemistry...


Regulus does some serious foreshadowing though. Wonder what he means when he says she's in for quite a year -- or how he knows. I thought it was really sweet that Ginny gave Ellie a watch and I wonder what the engraving means. Hmmm.


Oh, and one minor thing I caught in the chapter --you use "illicit" as a verb where I think you meant "elicit".

All in all, lovely to read! Thanks for writing!

Author's Response: Hello!

OH MY GOD THAT IS THE BEST DESCRIPTION OF REGULUS I'VE HAD SO FAR. HANDS DOWN THAT WINS. I didn't do that on purpose, but now I can totally see it... Regulus would look pretty swashbuckling as a pirate too!

All the foreshadowing! Regulus is great that way because he serves all these functions in the story and he's so much fun to write, which is even better!

Thanks for pointing that out! My inner grammar Nazi is blushing in embarrassment.

Thanks so much for this fantabulous review!


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Review #27, by shezWhen They Fell: Prologue

3rd December 2013:
Hey there! You may not remember but you requested a review from me back in October and here I am.in December. Really, really sorry about. I hope you haven't given up on this story or anything and that I'm able to help. I was just going to review the opening chapter here to give general thoughts and then I'll leave a massive all-encompassing review on the last chapter.

So anyway, the review...


I can't really explain why I like this so much. It's different from what's on the fanfic archives, in that, rather than dressing up the characters (which many authors do and it gets tiresome after a while), you're playing them honest. I really like the opening, the transcendence of time as HArry's family expands. it's a very creative approach to what looks like a very promising story. All the personalities in this chapter and extremely well-executed (I can't decide who I love the best. they're all so believable to their. The way you portray them is very Rowling-esque)

Now for the plot, I forsee some major sadness coming up. The fight and upcoming divorce (right? just a guess) between Harry and Ginny and I'm wondering exactly what this story is about. Is is about a how divorce tears a family apart? Your summary was very abstract. I sense the focus will be on Lily --while creating mystery and suspense is great I recommend giving your story a tad bit more direction in the first chapter. Don't tell them what's going to happen Allude to where you intend to take it. It gives the reader an idea of what to expect and compels them to continue reading.

Your writing style is solid and fantastic to read (again, reminds me of Rowling). No grammar errors. Transitions fantastic.

I'll be back sometime soon with another review :)

Author's Response: Oh thank you :) To be honest I'd completely forgotten I'd requested a review until I'd seen this. I'm glad you like my portrayal of characters and I will go back and do some major editing eventually, I haven't given up on this story, but it is on hiatus for a bit, because adding on to the lack of inspiration I have some stuff going on in the real life. But this story will be completed I promise :).

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Review #28, by shezA Moment of Fear: Voldemort

2nd December 2013:
Hey there! You requested a review for me back in October and here I am...in December.

Ahem. Anyway. To your Voldy..

So I LOVE Voldy fics. I take a lot of time to find good ones and when I do, I get really excited so I'm really glad you requested this. I think his characterization is spot on (Although the part about him unable to experience happiness. He would perceive it as a weak emotion.) You touch on so many facets of his sociopathic personality: the arrogance, cruel treatment of other (Peter), prejudice, aversiveness to emotions, manipulative tendencies, and then...wait, fear? The dark lord doesn't fear! Oh yes he does and it's a baby! LOVE the ending. I think this chapter, in regard to your last two, is definitely the most poignant and prominent (although all three are fantastic!). Well done! Once again, I have failed to come up with any criticism!

shez :)

Author's Response: Shez!! I haven't gotten a lot of feedback from Voldy fans - so your input here is extremely helpful!

I'm really extremely happy I got him right. It was a bit of a trip down ego lane when I was going through is thought process. A scary trip. o.o

I laughed out loud when I read this "The dark lord doesn't fear! Oh yes he does and it's a baby!" My husband asked if I made someone cry. but then I read your review to him.

This chapter is quite the turning point for the story. Everything past here is darker. Much darker. :D

Thanks for an awesome and helpful review!

-Rose


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Review #29, by shezThe Things that Haunt Me: Live with My Mistakes

29th October 2013:
I'll be honest, I've never read a story about Peter as a sympathetic character. It's really refreshing! I really liked how you told this with the time jumps from Harry's first year to his sixth and on.And Peter's personality was quite excellent, not heroic but not absolutely tainted either. I like that he retains a smidge (ok, more than a smidge) of remorse for betraying his friends. It really fits into the context of how Rowling portrays him. I liked you last lines:


"Peter was not a man of only good or evil. He was a man of survival."

Wish I was half as coherent as you 3 AM in the morning ;) excellent work!

Author's Response: Hehe, ah wow! Thank you! I was really hoping I did well with his character because even though I honestly don't care too much for Wormtail, I still feel a lot of sympathy for him. So I had put my all into this one. :D

Thank you for the awesome review! And thanks for reading! :)


- Asphodel


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Review #30, by shezPicking Up the Pieces: Flashback

29th October 2013:
I was playing dragon age today and thought of your story which made me want to check it out and see what was going on. Glad I did :)This chapter was really surprising--I did not see ANY of this coming. The scene with Draco and Harry was awesome, made me chuckle when he says something --I don't remember the exact line but -- Oh we've all forgiven you, Malfoy, except Ron. I can see Ron being like that. Really liking Draco's development thus far --not the unbearable prat he was but also not some nicey-nice fellow. His dealings and attitude with everyone are PERFECT. (especially Ron, idk why, I just really liked their snarky parts).

So I really liked the darker aspect of this chapter with Ana and the beasts (My head immediately went to Dragon Age of course). Not only were they visceral and scary as hell but the effect they have on Ana (she starts having flashbacks) is very believable. The blood, the gore, the drama--idk, I'm twisted but I liked it. Actions scenes were awesome--very movie-like. I started reading faster as I went :)

Though I'm not really a romantic, I'm curious how Draco and Ana are going to end up together in the end of all this (they are, right? You're not trolling me are you?) Overall I'm glad your story branches out from just the romance aspect and you're developing Ana on her own terms, not just as the loveinterest. I like it :) Ana's like the female warden here haha

VASTLY intriguing chapter. Things really jumped here didn't they ? I'm probably going to come back soon and see what happens next.

Author's Response: Oh thanks for stopping by! I had no idea you liked my story. I stopped requesting because I thought you were getting tired of it, so this is a surprise.

And you know what's funny? I'm playing DA at the moment too! Got my pretty little human warden (duh so she can end up with Alistair because I'm in love) and everything :) Ahem, okay back to story business.

I'm glad that I'm getting the characterizations right. I'm finding that it's very hard to do that with Canon characters. And I'm trying to make Draco a developed character, one who is still a Malfoy but also not a child anymore.

I'm glad you liked the action scene! I had a fun time writing it, and believe me, you're not alone in liking the darker, twisted stuff. I do too (so much that this chapter got rejected the first time because my darker side came creeping out a bit).

There will be romance, but I refuse to let it overshadow the development of my characters and their relationships. The current chapter that is awaiting validation has the first real spark (because everything else was just kind of a hint) of romance, so that's where it all begins :)

My palms are sweating lol. Again, respect you so much as an author that it is a bit nerve-wracking for you to read my things. Thank you a million times over for the review :)

"The Make smiles sadly on his Grey Wardens, so the Chantry says, as no sacrifice is greater than theirs."

--Monica


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Review #31, by shezTime Marches On: ...tick...tock...

29th October 2013:
I love this. I love the extended time-ticking-away metaphor and the use of 2nd person and the hopeful ending and the general angsty awesomeness of this piece. You really have a knack for writing angst don't you?

Concerning grammar, you employ the use of the comma very heavily, sometimes correctly, sometimes not. Just something I thought I'd comment on. Personally, I think writers are allowed to get away with these sort of things provided it adds something to the story and for yours it does so...yeah, I would just leave it as is. :)

I don't really have anything else to say other than be proud! It's a lovely one-shot, a joy to read, so thank you for requesting :)

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review.

It seems that angst is my thing ;) I joke I don't know!

Thanks again!

:)


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Review #32, by shezRabbit Hole: breathing.

27th October 2013:
This was so depressing and awesome and human-like I love it! The way you convey James' thoughts in runons! The part about his parents really got to me. How amazing to see non-perfect teenage boy James!

Thanks for writing this ;)

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Review #33, by shezEffortlessly Dead: In the Nest of Shrikes

26th October 2013:
I really like the premise of this story. There's a very chilly feel to it and your writing is spectacular. I hope you continue it :)

Author's Response: Aww, thanks! I'm really glad you liked it! I'm happy that the mood I was aiming for shows. As for the continuation, next chapter should be up sometime in November.

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Review #34, by shezfleshwounds.: we found each other hungry.

23rd October 2013:
Review tag!

This was an excellent, 'monstrous' one-shot. Your use of different elements (parenthesis, italics, disjointed prose and onomatopoeia) really makes for an entertaining read--I didn't know it was Tom/Minerva until the A/N. Some of the metaphors struck me funny (in a good way haha)--like the part about the apple (A/N explained the significance though). I don't know how to explain my feelings for this one-shot; it's very different from anything I've ever read. I had to read it twice to get it. I like how you portray Tom as a destructive, distorted entity (in so many different ways) and Minerva's inherent fascination with him, and further on his annoyance with her.

"She does not see.)

His mouth curls up around the edges, disgust."


Can't believe you wrote this in an hour. Impressive work!

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Review #35, by shezCorbeau: Raven

23rd October 2013:
SO I've been taking French for five years and was thrilled to find how you've incorporated it into this fic. It gives the story a very poetic element, which in conjunction with your sparse prose, was refreshing to read. What I don't understand, however, is why you chose to make this dark angsty fic about Cho and Cedric. I personally don't see Cho pining for Cedric for 42 years (but to each his own, I suppose). Overall, the prose was excellent. The pairing, I question. I feel like it would be better suited for a darker, more tragic couple (Lucius and Narcissa? Bellatrix and herhusbandguywhat'shisface?).

Still, thanks for requesting this! It was lovely to read!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked the lyrics:) Yeah, you're right about her pining for that long for Cedric. I am planning on going back through and changing that last bit a little to keep it from being too.. whiny? (not sure what word to use). Those pairings would definitely work for a one-shot like this. I wanted to try writing from Cho's perspective, so I hope it was ok:)

Thanks for your review!
-LumosWealey


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Review #36, by shezDevlin Potter: Riddle and Rescue: The Informant

23rd October 2013:
SO.I love this. I really genuinely love this.

The inherent problem with fanfiction, I think, is that most people gravitate towards the lovey-dovey fics and gems like these go unnoticed. Seriously though, the writing is PHENOMENOL, the plot--I can't even...I'm hyperventilating right now because it's so D*** exciting! I love the darkness and mystery here and the way you ended this is, whoah. LOVE IT. I have an affinity for dark, twisted characters like Devlin. I'm writing one myself.

I don't know how I feel about Devlin right now. I want to see him grow up and develop into a monster (or not haha, your story, your choice) and I want to see what happens when Harry finds him. I want to see what you make him, because he already seems to be a rather *demented* six-year-old. It's almost without rhyme or reason but I'm sure you explain it later. I wonder if he's Harry's son at all, actually.

I want to see how the relationship between him and the Dark Lord will develop. What I will recommend however is that you revise your summary a bit so that readers are more apt to click this gem of a story. You need a bit of a hook (Don't give away major plot points in the summary!) PM me if you need help with that. I see major potential in this story and I sincerely hope you re-request. Maybe we can brainstorm our macabre storylines together haha.

Author's Response: :D Glad you loved it! I do agree about the lovey-dovey thing and totally grinned when you called this a "gem". Most people who read it seem to like it, but it still makes me grin whenever I hear it.

You obviously need a paper bag to breath into if you're going to survive the next couple chapters then - I'll make sure to remind you when I re-request. ;-) It's a horrible, terribly, electrifying roller-coaster up ahead. This was the climb - wait until we drop.

I was purusing your story. It's on my bookmarks to read when I fly to Germany in two-weeks. I will probably save it to my iPad and bombard you and others with reviews when I am back.

Devlin is definitely a Potter. He is definitely on his way to becoming a monster. I don't think he will be another Voldemort (from Rowling's standpoint because part of Voldemort was the conditions under which he was conceived), but I do not promise a happy ending (which might incidentally make you happy). There is reason and some of it is hinted at in this chapter if you read between the lines enough.

I totally need to redo my summary and would be glad for any help at all - I suck at summaries...so expect a PM from me. I actually have 23 chapters of this written off this site (I'm bad about re-entering the "waiting line" when one chapter gets accepted) and this is a rewrite of a completed story (although there is a sequel - also partially written), so I know it's here to stay and I won't drop it - sorry that probably wasn't your question but it's something I always consider in the potential of a story.

I do love brainstorming! I will give your story a head-start before the plane - but if I love it I forewarn you that I'm saving it (or will try to), because I really need good stuff to read on this flight!

Let me see if I can catch a space in your review thread. :)


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Review #37, by shezThe Worst: Reflecting and Brooding

23rd October 2013:
So let me just say I haven't read a werewolf story in a LONG time and yours does not disappoint! I'm loving the pace of the first three chapters--right off the bat she's bitten, hospitalized, and now has to come to terms with her condition. It's excellent pacing, not too slow that the readers gets bored. Now, since you've covered all the background story and other general plot points so efficiently , I'm curious as to where you intend to take this story. It's only chapter 3, so I can't make a call on characterization yet, but Dom seems to be well-drawn character :). I don't know how I feel about teddy yet but I like her boss. She seems very work minded haha. Your writing and description is solid. You asked some pretty general feedback so let me see what I can say.

Overall I can you've put a massive amount of work into this story, so be proud :) The selective incorporation of details (how she was a Ravenclaw, her relationship with her sister and Teddy) is phenomenal. I'm very impressed.

There are a few grammatical discrepancies though. I won't go into detail but if you're looking for something to improve, I would suggest combing through the chapters and catching the awkward phrasing and missing words (not very much, though).


Werewolves are a compelling read so I can't wait to see where this story goes :) Dom's going to change a lot, isn't she? Are we going to find out who bit her and why? I'm sensing her life's only going to get worse from this point and am intrigued to see how you balance the human and 'beast' elements of her identity in the future. Remus had a lot of trouble with it.

Keep writing and feel free to rerequest!

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing =)

I am pleased that my werewolf story didn't disappoint you so far. I was worried about the pace so I am glad you think it's okay. Dom is pretty confused and frustrated at the moment thus you didn't get to see much of her real character yet, but now that she is getting a grip on herself, you'll see what she's really like further. As for where I intend to take the story, you'll have to wait and read xP The boss is not a very appealing character so I am surprised you like her, but haha good! As for Teddy, we'll be seeing more of him further so I am curious to see what you'd think of him.

It's so great to hear that you're actually impressed with all the little details and such. I did put in a lot of effort into this story so it's really nice to know it seems to be paying off.

English is not my native language so I do tend to have grammar problems at times but I'll try to polish the chapters later on.

We will find out who bit her and why. Her life will definitely take a turn for the worse, but in the end it's all about finding hope isn't it, and we'll explore that journey of hers =) It will surely not be easy.

I'll surely re-request! Thank you!


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Review #38, by shezEverto Trucido: The Big Bad Wolf

17th October 2013:
LOL Way to leave it at a cliffie
!
So, I suppose I don't have to tell how confused I am right now. It's probably what you wanted, after all haha.


I really like the different magical realms you have intermingling here --and Grace shifting from one to the other. So lemme know if I have this straight--she's a witch, demon slayer, JP's twin , AND has premonitions (that her blind seer friend helps her understand) about the future. In combination with her near-primal nature and inherent lack of social skills (Yes, because it's TOTALLY ok to pick someone up and move them out of the way. Ahh Grace trying to make friends haha), you've woven a very interesting character. That being said, I hope you manage the different elements you've embellished this story with VERY carefully. Oftentimes, in an attempt to create interest, writers will convolute things. (not saying that this is convoluted, of course! But its a trap I see writers fall into waaay too often).

Your language is exquisite and very easy to follow in this chapter so good job! I haven't seen enough of Grace to pick her apart yet, but what I've seen I like! And marauders are fairly in character. One thing I will mention is that James seemed to be TOO calm with the idea of having a twin sister. I get that someone told him but I feel like that detail could be worked in a little better. Still, I'm excited to see how you manage their sibling dynamic :) I have to say, this story has the potential to be seriously awesome ^^ you're not going down the OC-falls-in-love-with-Mainchar route and loveydoveyblahblahblah so I'm really happy about that. I can tell you've spent a lot of time formulating the plot (YAY THERE'S PLOT!) so I hope you continue writing this ;)

So, that's all I have to say right now. Hope that some of it can be of use to you. Feel free to re-request :)

Author's Response: Ah yes, James Potter. He's my arch nemesis as a character at the moment, I'm working on fixing this by writing chapter seven and then I can go back and fine tune his reactions :(.

Uhm, yes that's Grace in a nutshell :). I've spent a lot of time on her character so hopefully it doesn't go awry! She definitely has some social skill issues that will slowly get ironed out through time :).

As it turns out, this story get very complex. I am trying to pepper information throughout the plot so that I don't overwhelm the readers with a ton of information all at once...hopefully that doesn't just create confusion!

Thank you so much for your review!

-Rumpel


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Review #39, by shezMake or Break: Make or Break?

15th October 2013:
Oh man! This is a really sad piece. I really hope we get a follow-up chapter (right? right? this isn't the end, right?)

I definitely think there is an element of vulnerability about Leah that makes her a VERY relatable character with just about anyone who's ever been bullied in school, or harassed. And the fact you give her an embarrassing stutter really heightens this feeling. Her pain, anguish, really comes across and and well, it REALLY tugged at my heartstrings (I'm a pretty heartless person btw). I want to give the girl a hug and pull her out of that hostile environment! The way you describe her thoughts really touch on her age and mindset so bravo!

GRRR, I really hate Seamus right now!

There were a couple grammatical and spacing issues but pretty minor. Not a big deal.

In the future, I really hope Leah develops some self-confidence and learns to embrace her stutter. She's very hard on herself right now (again, VERY relatable) and teaches Seamus and those mean girls a lesson! Thanks for requesting!

Keep writing, friend! Happy days!

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the really great review, you're to kind! It was nice to wake up to this :)

Haha, well I do have something in my head that if I was to continue this I could, but I don't know if I should!

Anyway I'm pleased at the reception Leah's got so far, and that she seems to be relatable. I enjoyed writing her, not everyone can be perfect! not even in the wizarding world!

Thanks for the review!


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Review #40, by shezA Moment of Fear: James

15th October 2013:
So I really liked the conversation b/w James and the gang , as well as their distinct personalities! They really made the scene pop. Again, the theme of fearis magnificently juxtaposed with love, and the way you manage to balance the stark contrasrt iin mood really shows your skill as a writer. I have trouble finding this balance bw danger and humor you've managed to achieve. This chapter was bit fluffy for my liking but that's a personal preference. The writing is as solid as the last chapter ( w a few minor grammatical errors which I'm sure you'll catch going through it once). It's your characterizations that make the story shine :). Feel free to rerequest!

Author's Response: Hi Shez! Thank you do much for the awesome feedback. I'll go through and check out tthe grammar stuff I have. I didn't mean to make this too fluffy. It's certainly the softest part of the series. The next two parts are quite dark. It means a lot to hear that the characterizations stood out as a strength for you!!! I'll definitely put another request in!!

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Review #41, by shezGravel on the Ground: From the Ashes: Chapter 2

15th October 2013:
So I know you asked for a review for the first chapter but I went ahead and read three---I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN! Like seriously, the way the prologue was set up, all tense and dramatic and such...aaah lovely!

SHE'S RELATED TO HARRY POTTER. WHOAH.

I was waiting for some nice big revelation like this. I like the way you've had slowly make her into the Weasleys. it's much more realistic, than if they discovered her on the streets. As far as OCs usually go, it's very difficult not to inadvertently fall into mary-sue land. However, your character --as much as I've seen of her so far --- seems a break from the mold. A rags to magic tale--I feel like reading Dickens now haha.

Not to mention all our canon characters seem very much in canon...even down to Fred and George haha. I especially love McGonagall.


Since you asked for such general feedback, I don't have much more to offer, really. Since it's AU, the story fits into the framework. It's Harry PPotter's Fourth-ish year? (correct me if I'm wrong). I'm not sure where the plot's going right now. Who this Sadie character, what's happened to her that's he can't talk, this mysterious aunt of Harry Potter--I hope it all plays a big role in the future. But you have a very solid start and if you keep doing what you're doing you'll be fine!

Happy days and feel free to rerequest!

Author's Response: The fact that you went ahead and read three because you needed to know what happened MAKES MY DAY!!! That is seriously the best compliment EVER! I want to just hug you. :D

And then I want to grovel at your feet and beg forgiveness for taking so incredibly long to reply to this review that made me so happy. I'm a music teacher and we do our annual musical theater production every year in Oct/Nov, so my life has been nonexistant for weeks now. I'm trying really hard to get caught back up though.

Yup. Sadie is Harry's cousin. I'm glad you like the revelation. I was worried people would want to throw rotten fruit at me or something for messing with canon in such a way, especially one so ripe for having Mary-Sue aspects.

You know, it never occured to me to have the Weasleys find her on the streets. Good thing you weren't wanting it to happen that way, because, yeah... Never even thought of that. LOL. And yes, I'm SO happy you don't think she's a Mary-Sue, at least so far.

Rags to riches al la Dickens - that is a very good description for this story. I like it.

And yes, this is set during Goblet of Fire right now. And I do plan on answering all those questions in the future, so hopefully the fact that you have so many means you are involved in the story and want to come back.

Promise to rerequest as soon as I can snag a spot. I would have done it earlier, but I didn't have your lovely response written yet.

Anyway, thank you so very much and I hope you come back, even though it's been a long time.


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Review #42, by shezPicking Up the Pieces: Happenstance

14th October 2013:
This might be a weird question but have you heard of the game Dragon Age? (cosyouhaddragonsandhunting andsomeonenamedandersandfeelfreetoignorethisifitdoesn'tmakesense)

Review time! So I have to say the plot has gotten VERY intriguing up to this point, and my only issue with that is how long it took. I get you're developing Dranaxandra (COUPLE NAME!!) but, erm, well maybe it's just me, but I would've liked to see the plot developments come sooner. Your prologue sets the bar high, my friend :)

But I like the bits we find about Ana in the last three chapters. She comes from a very strange background. I want to know what her plan is and who was that man that fled. I haven't exactly latched on to her as a character yet. I know you were worried about her being "all over the place" and my advice for that is KNOW your character. Know exactly what you want her to be. Don't feel like you have to justify her to your readers. That's the beautiful thing about OCS--you can do whatever you want with them. But make sure Ana OWNS her childish, sheltered, stubborn, brave qualities. While I don't see her as a Mary Sue, I think you can definitely add another layer of depth to her.

Now I have some (not really problems but) suggestions. To improve flow and reader interest a tad bit. You have a habit of overexplaining or stating that I think you could improve by taking out redundancies and dusting a few sentences. Really, pretty minor.

Iím so sorry!Ē {she embarrassingly apologized} (chpt 5)

^we know she's apologizing. Edit to "She said/exclaimed, embarrassed."

ďNothing is wrong,Ē Anaxandra {aggressively replied} (chpt 6)

^growled, snarled, hissed, affirmed, etc. You can make it aggressive w/o using the word. Overall, I would try to limit the use of adverbs.

"sadness swimming in her silvery gray eyes." (chpt 6)

^I know this is mean to be rhetorical, you don't want to use to a phrase like this. It, err, melodramatic?


ďEverything has been so busy here at the office! With more and more murders turning up, I donít know how we will keep up!Ē Gawain exclaimed, {oddly still in a happy tone but with a worried undertone.} (chpt 5)

^bracketed portion is a bit awkward. Not sure what you want to say there. There are a few other phrases like this.


Lastly, some POV issues---


"There were so many emotions raging behind her eyes that all he wanted to do was find a way to comfort her- but please, donít get the story twisted. Itís not like he wanted to wrap her in his arms and gently whisper into her ear all night that everything was going to be okay... " (Chpt 6)


"Anaxandra was really good at making friends wherever she went, can't you tell?" (chpt 7)


^both times you're addressing the audience as the narrator, which suspends the storytelling. I would edit these.


I know I had a lot of critique, but trust me when I say you're story's REALLY good to begin. I want to help you make it even better; that's why my critique for you is nitpicky. The characters are growing, the plot is mystifying. I haven't a clue where it's going. I can't wait! Keep writing and feel free to rerequest!

Happy days! :)

Author's Response: Yes! It is my one of my FAVORITE games of all time! I've had someone else ask me about it as well :) Glad to know there are so many DA:O lovers out there!

That was my issue at the beginning. I think I replied telling you that when I started writing this, I was so naive and ignorant to how much actually went into PACING a story! I do apologize, and I also wish it would have picked up a tiny bit sooner, but not much I can do about that now :(

I'm trying really hard with her :( That was my issue, making sure she wasn't flat. Looks like I have some work to do.

These help me out alot! I'm working on not being so sensitive to critique, so if I seem a little wounded after a long review like this, don't take it personal. It's my own issue lol. But I really needed this. I wanted so badly to revise the earlier chapters and I didn't really know where to start. These little nitpicky details will help so much when I start really cleaning this story up.

Thank you again, and I will re-request soon after I've revised my chapters.


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Review #43, by shezA Moment of Fear: Lily

13th October 2013:
SO, umm, can I just say that I'm REALLY struggling to find criticism for this? Seriously, I can't think of ANYTHING that might improve genius that you've written.

I'm SO a fan of these philosophical character studies so I don't know how this story seemed to evade me. I really enjoyed reading this. As the character of Lily, James have never fully been established by canon, I usually don't care what writers do with them--but I think THIS is probably what Lily would be like. You have a great talent for incorporating the otherwise forgotten details (i.e. Lily and Petunia's relationship--how it makes her sad. I thought this was a great touch.) Beautiful evocation of feelings. Great writing style. Fantastic characterizations. I won't pretend to find flaws with this otherwise flawless piece. I particularly liked this part:

"It wasnít uncertainty of James being the right man, a doubt of his love, or her love for that matter. This was a promise that could not be unmade. She did not see her love wavering in the foreseeable future, but what about the unforeseeable future? Would their love stand the test of time or would it wither in 15 years? Had their love grown organically or because of extraneous stress that pushed them together? Lily had said yes and meant it with all her heart but that did not eradicate her anxiety. "

This really brings in an interesting element of doubt--one I think is very relatable and human. Maybe it is the (overlooming) war and the possibility of death that heightens their affections. Maybe they are a product of the conditions of their environment? Are James and Lily truly in LOVE or is it FEAR? Which is the greater motivator? Very interesting questions and If you wanted, you could go further with them by taking an alternative stance and just BLOW the mind of your readers (never mind, you would get a lot of angry fangirls).


So I think this story is fantastic and definitely my type :). Feel free to rerequest. Maybe in the future I might have something more substantial for you than gushing.

Author's Response: Hi Shez!!

I am absolutely beside myself at your kind words. This is my first work that is more on the philosophical side than just being a narrative. It's incredibly awesome that I've been able to help define how you see James and Lily (I quite often agree that people can take a great deal of liberty with them as characters).

I put a lot of my own fears around getting married into this story (Lily's fear followed a conversation my husband and I had before we got married). I really thought about playing with the idea of whether their love was artificially hurried by the worries of war but I did fear for my safety if I wrote something like that (haha). I am very glad that her fear seemed extremely human and realistic to you. ^_^

It's so very awesome that you liked this (a lot). I'll definitely re-request to get your opinion on my chapter about James!!

Thank you so much - a bit of gushing always does my heart good. :D


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Review #44, by shezIn Sickness And In Health: The Battle

13th October 2013:
Well, this is a very interesting premise :)

but first.

Woah. Did Harry KILL Lucius?? Wow, I did not see that coming.

"What shocked Hermione was his unchanging expression when Harry uttered those two words, then with a flash of green light, Lucius Malfoy was no more."

Yikes, Harry Potter's definitely changed--I'm wondering if there's something wrong with him that he's so emotionless at this part.

Anyways, to address your concerns...


Aside from certain spacing and grammatical issues (if you go through once, you'll catch them), there's nothing drastically wrong with this chapter. It's very easy to read and flows considerably well. However, you're concerned with the battle scene in that it's not brought in well. For this, I would recommend taking the time to establish setting before you delve into the fighting. Is this the FINAL Voldemort battle or something original. You have Lucius die, which doesn't happen in canon so...

Also, while I do think Ginny and Hermione would be happy to see each other, their laughing demeanor and "joking" conversation does not seem appropriate considering the setting (as you mention they are in the biggest battle of their lives). You establish the element of tension and impeding doom adequately in other aspects but this was just something I though I'd comment on.

Also, the character of Draco taunting Hermione---I know he's supposed to be an arrogant prat, but given, again, the setting...they come off as a little TOO immature. Since their lives are in danger here, I would think they'd exercise a little restraint.

I think you have an interesting premise but what's hindering the development of your MAIN plot (which, as you said is NOT the battle) is your setting. I would recommend perhaps changing it from the Great Battle to perhaps a smaller one is, say, the woods where the Golden Trio travel for most of DH. Or at the Malfor manor. You can still find a way to incorporate Draco in it. And I think it would flow better with main stream of your plot.

I'm excited for the Dramione aspect of this though :). So Draco takes a hit for her (

Author's Response: Hello!! Thank you reveiwing! And thank you for pming the rest of it, i appreciated it!

Haha yes, he did, but i have just recently edited it, and it was a rogue curse that killed him in the end. I had a lot of comments made about how they did not see Harry using the killing curse, so decided to change it.

Oh awesome, i have just done a spell check on this chapter, so hopefully i have picked up those :) I have done a bit of establishing as well at the beginning of the newly edited chapter, so i hope that worked enough :) It' supposed to be the final battle but.. maybe its not... o :P

I tried my best to make it that they were happy, but it was a bittersweet happiness. The impending doom is good, yay! I'm glad it works :D

I have got rid of the 'meet' in between the two, they acknowledge each others presence, but do not approach one another, as you said, a little restraint should be used.

That is a good idea! We do see that it ends up not being the last battle, and the later chapters envisions this.

Hehe who doesn't looove a Dramione pairing :P they do pass out, and a big conversation is made in the next chapter.
I am trying my best to develop the relationship slowly, as i want the characters to be as canon as possible. '

Not a problem about the critcisms, i have found them very helpful and insightful :)
I am so happy you find my idea unique, this really has helped and i hope that the improvements i have made are better :)

thank you again for all your help and kind words! I will definitely re-request when a slot opens up :)

Grace :D


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Review #45, by shezPicking Up the Pieces: Lonely

12th October 2013:
Hey there!
So Iím just going to jump in and say that you have a very well-thought out story and Iíve really been enjoying the development between the MCs in the past three chapters. Iím really amazed at how balanced youíre keeping things and I think itís a great idea to mention bits and pieces of Anaís old life in each chapter rather than an ďinformation dumpĒ where we least expect it. So far the plot hasnít really picked up, and thatís fine! Because youíre developing the characters right now. I donít see any glaring problems with this story, honestly, itís really great!
But Iíll be nitpicky because you want me toÖ [feel free to ignore if you want]
So character consistency. Iím assuming youíre worried about Ana since Draco seems to be really much in characteróat least these past three chapters. He seems mature and yet still retains some of his prattish tendencies but I like that heís now very much ďthe good guyĒ. Heís grown up and learned to move on from his death eater past. So, AnaÖ
Iím a little confused at her age. Iím assuming you want her to be Dracoís age but she tends to act (at least in the second chapter) a little too childish. She sounds like sheís sixteen. We get a sense of her annoyance with the (honestly, a bit) dimwitted aurors but frustration and irritation donít really seem to fitting emotions as sheís just lost her family (her parents have died, right? Correct me if Iím wrong). I would think sheís grieving. And her childishness wouldnít be a problem if you didnít want to have the MCs end up together, but I just felt like there was a bit of mental age gap between him and her.
However this seems to balance out a little chapters 3 and 4, when we learn a little more about her past and Dracoís current situation with his fiancťe. I like the budding acquaintance (or at least tolerance) b/w them, even though it still feels a little like Dracoís playing babysitter. But I really LOVED this part:
She feltÖ the urge to make him coffee. Yes, because that's how normal people feel when they spend two weeks with someone who feeds them and keeps them company, even though they annoy them to no end. Not some sort of friendship or camaraderie, just the incessant urge to brew coffee.
You manage to say so much about them without drilling home the point. Human. Realistic. Beautifully and eloquently put. THIS is superior characterization, my friend. If you ever find yourself lost on how to describe a budding relationship, look at this amazingness you have already written.
PacingóItís been a 3-4 ish chapters so we havenít really gotten into the main story of it so I canít really tell you if youíre going too fast or slow. But if weíre going by the way the prologue was written, chapters 2-4 seem a little slowÖish. But itís your story and if you have something in store, so ignore me if Iím not making any sense!
I sense the people who are hunting Ana are going to come find her and Dracoís going to get caught in the midst of it 
All in all, I feel like this story has incredible potential. And Iím not just saying that either. Itís just I havenít read enough of it to really know whatís going to happen yet. Please donít take my criticism the wrong way b/c itís very nitpicky and subjective, so if you feel very strongly about your character then feel free to ignore. At any rate, I hope this review is of some use to you! Rerequest if you want to!

Author's Response: Thank you very much! This means a lot coming from you because I'm so in love with your story right now!

*Sigh* When I first started writing this... I didn't really have much of an endgame. I am such a new writer, and I was so naive to what it really entailed to write a story, that I got caught up in one scene that I imagined without planning it out or knowing what I really wanted to say. I just kind of danced around with my characters, hoping that the story would kind of "write itself" (Oh Merlin, so bad).

The age thing has been addressed. I got that comment before, and decided to do some revising. I know she seems childish, and I think that's due to her being stubborn. I do see what you're saying though. Ana develops so much more as the story goes on, I promise. I know she seems flat now, but things get set in motion in a couple of chapters, and that's when my plot really kicks up.

I'm glad that you liked that bit about the coffee :) It was very fun for me to write, and as much as I have edited that chapter, that bit has always stayed the same.

Your opinion and feedback was lovely! I will be sure to re-request because it really helped me a lot! :)


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Review #46, by shezNot Normal: {Chapter the First}

4th October 2013:
You have a very deliberate writing style and you seem to know what you're doing with it all, so I don't think I need to tell you--as you probably know--you're a VERY good writer. Descriptions are sparse and concise and ideal with the action-y pacing and comedic undertones. Ellie is (fantastically) well-developed and your first person perspective really embodies her wry-adolescent-wittiness and makes her a compelling character to read. The amount of work you've put into this chapter really shows and yes, the way you ended it leaves me INCREDIBLY curious for what's to happen. You mentioned the romance element and while I'm not privy to how Albus/OC usually plays out, I do feel Albus is a bit one dimensional right now. The hate-love banter, best-friends-with-her-brother thing is clichťd, but I think that's what you were going for. Maybe you're trolling you readers, hahah. The flirting was a bit transparent in this chapter and...Idk if that's what you were going for or not. It is strong. The scene doesn't really do it for me, but still--I think readers will like it. I'm not the best judge of romance, I'm afraid. Sorry! Moreso, I'm interested about how the Four Founders are going to play into this. Fantastic start and I think you've covered all the bases. feel free to re-request!

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to review!

Aww! Thanks for saying so, although I know I have ages to go in terms of improvement. I'm nowhere near as good as I'd like to be.

So descriptions were okay for you? Little descriptions suit my style better, but I know a lot of people want them, so I'm always really confused about them. Thanks for that!

I'm glad you like Ellie! I like her, and I want my readers to like her, despite, or perhaps because of her flaws. Things begin to pick up in chapter four (once I get it written to my satisfaction) so there's definitely more plot to look forward to!

Albus is SO one dimensional right now, it makes me feel like crying, although I'm hoping to develop him slowly, rather than what I did with Ellie, so that the readers get to know him at the same time as Ellie. Thank you for your feedback on the cliche'd aspects! I'll keep them in mind!

As I said, definitely more plot to come! Thanks for dropping in!


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Review #47, by shezThanatophobia: Falling Asleep

7th September 2013:
Wow. I really liked this. Touching and sad and beautiful evocation of feelings without coming off as overly dramatic. Perfect tone, in other words :) And I love Hugo. And I love how he wanted Rose to stay with him until the end. I love brother-sister stories like these as I feel they're underrepresented in fanfic. Anyways, good job :)

Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked this, it really means a lot to me because it's the first time that I've ever written something like this. It means a lot to me to hear that I didn't overdo anything and kept everything right.

Thank you so so so so so so so so much for this review and I'm very glad that you enjoyed this little one-shot!


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Review #48, by shezPicking Up the Pieces: Loss

4th August 2013:
Hi! I'm always asking you for reviews and you're always leaving me with kind and helpful words so I thought I'd return the favor :)

This is an extremely heart-pumping beginning, with the perfect amount of description so that I could keep reading (at a very tense rate! so suspenseful!) and not get bogged down with unnecessary detail. There are a lot of questions as it is just the prologue, but the tones of sadness and impeding danger are handled magnificently! It was very much like the beginning of a movie...

The only problem I had was that it was so short and I wanted to keep reading and figure out who Anaxandra is and what she's running from--but that's just me ;P it's the perfect length for a prologue.

Sorry if my review isn't helpful. I'm not much of a reviewer (or fanfic reader) but this is really good and makes me want to dive back into fanfic reading (I tend to get steered away with all the mary-sue/canon pairings where nothing ever happens but this seems so different!!!).

Happy days! :)

Author's Response: OMG! That means so much coming from you considering I absolutely LOVE your writing! Ah! Let the fangirling commence!

I've tried really hard to steer clear of the MarySue/canon aspect of writing, because like you said, it's boring. A lot of people tell me they don't really like Anaxandra at the beginning of this and then fall in love with her because I wasn't aiming for her to be very likeable at the start.

My other chapters are currently undergoing revisions, so I hope that if you've read the rest of this, that the other chapters have treated you as well as this one has in their current quality.

Anyways! Thank you so much for your review, it warms my heart :) You're amazing!


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Review #49, by shezDevil's Snare: The Man of Many Masks

14th July 2013:
Wow. I love this. It's so hard to stumble across a good Tom Riddle fic that captures all him as the manipulative impressionist that he is. Brilliant writing and brilliant characterization.

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Review #50, by shezOnly Power Remains: Chapter Sixteen

23rd April 2013:
when are you going to update? I really like this story!!

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