Reading Reviews From Member: Coley
32 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Coleyfall.: fall.

22nd January 2015:
Hi! First of all, I'm so sorry that this review is so late, considering I promised it over a week ago.

I really, really liked this one-shot. I went into this blind; I clicked on the link, quickly scanned the summary but never checked the characters or pairing so it was a fantastic surprise when it was revealved to be Teddy/Rose. Now, I'm normally a hardcore Teddiore shipper (actually, most canon in general) but I loved how you tackled this.

I especially liked the 1st person narrative from Rose's POV, I don't normally read 1st person but I really liked the effect it had on the piece as a whole.

I also loved the repetion of fall throughout. It was a great reminder that this was not a perfect relationship by any stretch of the imagination and the decent into what was eventually their breakup. It was a fantastic effect.

Speaking of repetiton, there was some at the beginning that stunted the flow a little, for exampele;

"... those leaves make a sound as he walks over to where I am sitting."

Then the next sentence, "...from the bench from where I am sitting."

Other than that, I didn't really notice anything else similar.

I also really liked the imagery in this sentence: "like sunburts and sunsets on branches.". It was really nice and I was easily able to picture the scene from then on.

Overall, I really liked this and thought it was a wonderfull piece that really capitvated me. ♥

Author's Response: Hi there, darling. :) Thank you so much for the review... I am so sorry it took AGES to respond to this considering you left it in January.

I'm really happy that you were surprised by this... I am so happy that you loved how I tackled this.

I actually never write in the first person POV (third is my fave) so I'm glad you think it works for this since I was so nervous having to write it for something that I wanted to be emotional.

Thank you again for the awesome review! :) Sorry it took so long to reply...


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Review #2, by ColeyThe Safety of the Shadow: Leaving Your Comfort Zone

2nd April 2014:
Hi there, coley here for the ravenclaw review battle!

I really loved this piece, you showed really well how vulnerable Rose was and it came across very well and consistently throughout.

I particularly liked this line: "She had hidden in the shadow’s safe darkness from the sun and from reality." Giving the shadow an entity really added a lot to the piece despite it being short, it shone through.

As for constructive criticism, there are a few grammatical errors - nothing major, a fine tooth comb would sort it out.

What I especially loved was the shadow receding and showing Scorpius, letting the reader know that despite the fact that Rose won't have the safety and comfort of Hogwarts anymore, she'll always have Scorpius.

Great work!

P.S Caramel Chew-Chew is the best Ben & Jerry's flavour!

Author's Response: Hi!

Thanks so much! You're so sweet! I really had a fun time making the shadow more than just the idea of a thing. I wanted it to be, and to live.

I'll take a look at it, thanks! I'm glad you liked my insertion of Scorpius as well!

xoxo Sarah

P.S I've never tried it but I will now!!

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Review #3, by ColeyPick a Poison: One

3rd October 2012:
Hi there, it's Coley from the Ravenclaw review battle with your review.

I really loved your insight into the post-war Slytherin's and the fact that it wasn't in the usual form that you see - complete outcasts, refusing to make a change. It was so refreshing seeing characters that seemed to stay in character whilst still changing.

Throughout the piece, there were only a few errors that I could point out. Albeit minor, I still want to mention them. In the first 'section,' there seem to be a lot of unnecessary information - mostly in run on sentences- that could have been cut out to make the first 'section' more readable. Not that it wasn't readable, I just found myself skipping a few sentences. However, this wasn't the case with the other 'sections,' they were perfect in their description.

Other than that, there were just two other, very minor, things that stuck out. The sentence, "subject to personal differences...Allow," rather than the elipses, a comma would have suited this sentence better. Also, this sentence, "after the war had been over," using 'was' rather than 'had been' would have made more sense.

Like I said, other than that, everything was really enjoyable. The characterisation was really a stand out point for me, everyone seemed very themselves, even in the post-war situation, as aforementioned, was really refreshing.

The interaction between Astoria and Draco was fantastic. I could really see them having a future together which I don't find a lot with the stories here.

Overall, this was a really good look at the post-war Slytherin's, you did a fantastic job. It was well written, the characterisation was great and it was an enjoyable read.

Author's Response: Hello! First of all, thank you for this lovely review and, secondly, I apologise for having taken so long to respond! I'm truly sorry.

I'm glad you liked the story and thought the chracterisation was alright -it terrifies me sometimes, especially that of canon characters like Draco. This makes me really happy! Also, thanks a lot for all the things you've pointed out. Once I have the time, I'll go over all these points and try to fix them!

Once again, thanks for coming by! :D


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Review #4, by ColeyInto the Darkness of the Grave: she is a lion

1st September 2012:
The quote in the beginning was absolutely perfect. I think it really encompassed Minerva's feeling throughout this piece. Although it was at the start of the piece, it really finished it off. I apologise if that makes no sense, it does in my head. I also apologise if this sounds rather disjointed, I can't seem to put what I want to say into words.

Also, the nursery rhyme, ugghh, perfect.

I loved the fact that Minerva thought of the children as hers, despite not having any children herself, she really is a motherly figure. Not so much in the Molly Weasley sense, but in a always wanting the best sense. Her character is perfect, you really seem to have her down.

The incorporation of the nursery rhyme into describing the fall of the marauders and Lily was really well done, everything seemed to flow really well.

The description wasn't overly done neither was there not enough, it was just right which is really lovely to see. Well done.

Overall, this was really good, the only thing I found that seemed to just irritate me was the fact that the title of the chapter didn't have a capital letter. Other than that, everything was really good.

Author's Response: The beginning quote basically birthed this story. It gave me a very clear image in my head about how I wanted this story to end up.

I'm glad you liked the nursery rhyme (and you reminded me that I should probably credit that, so thank you!). I really like the rhythm that the counting gives to the story.

This Minerva comes from my Portraits of Courage story and she definitely views herself as a mother-figure and there's a lot of guilt that she feels about basically recruiting her students and sending them off to their deaths. I feel really strongly about Minerva's character and that she must have viewed herself definitely as an authority type figure to these younger characters and obviously some sort of maternal feelings arise from that too.

This was definitely really simple for me in terms of style but I really like how it turned out and I'm glad you did too.

I'm sorry the lack of capitalization irked you. I didn't even think about it when I was writing it. But if that's the only thing that bothered you about this fic, I'm not going to complain.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. :)

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Review #5, by Coley10 Things I Hate About Potter: 10 Things I Hate About Potter

11th July 2012:
This is what parodies should be. Brilliantly written with the wit and humour that only style and a good sense of humour can bring.

I love the stereotypical 'Wow, he's suddenly amazing, what have I been missing!', it's amazing how many times it is actually used.

I can't really fault anything, it's well written, it's funny and it encapsulates the cliche's well.

Well done, this is great. I need to check out what else you've written.

Author's Response: Thank you! Though I'm not always a huge fan of writing the same sort of hackneyed plot points that are found in a lot of other stories, sometimes it is good fun. I think that certain realization can ring true in actual situations as well.

Thanks so much for your review. I hadn't really written anything outside of the Remus/OC I started years ago, but inspiration struck and I decided to give it a go! Check back for more. :)

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Review #6, by ColeySafe & Sound: Safe and Sound

1st June 2012:
I really, really liked this. It was hauntingly beautiful, so sad yet every word used was so eloquent and the sentences beautifully crafted.

Despite this being such a short piece, your words have made an impact which is so refreshing. Being able to read a piece in such a short amount of time but for it to mean so much.

The only thing I want to point out is this particular setence:
"A slur profanities and the smell of fire whiskey sounded in the dark hall."
I think it's meant to say "A slur of profanities," it would make a lot more sense.

This was really fantastic, well done.

Author's Response: haha, yeah. I'll fix that right now :)

Thank you so much! This review means so much to me! I really appreciate it :P

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Review #7, by ColeyScrew it!: Adel-Jane Reagan Gesinger (AKA. me) and her unravenclaw-like decisions -to which she WILL stick to.

19th May 2012:
Hi there, Coley from the forums here! :)

This was a good opening chapter, we got to see a good bit of each of the characters and their personalities. What I like is that they are properly characterised as fifteen year olds, a lot of the time characters can seem unrealistically 'old' for their age, so it's good that they seem like 'real' teenagers.

What I would have liked to have seen would be a bit more description in the beginning of the chapter, it seems to be lacking and doesn't really fit in well with the rest of the chapter. What I will say to you is that a beta will help a ton, they really are invaluable. For instance, my beta gives a fresh pair of eyes on the chapter, thry're able to pick things up that you otherwise would have missed and it's great to have that before you post a chapter.

Overall, this was a strong start to you story and it was very good. Well down!

Author's Response: Thanks!^^ Haha I think I'm not too bad with characterisation, may be my strong point of writing ;) I'm not too bad with the ages either. Just observe people and think of my own self and it's pretty easy ;)

*sigh* people keep telling me I need a beta, I'm starting to actually think of getting one and stop being an evil stubborn little girl xD

Thanks!! :3 Haha and I love your typo ;) Thanks so much for your review!! :3



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Review #8, by ColeyCatalyst: clarity

14th May 2012:
The first thing I noticed after reading this piece was the fact that despite it being short in length, it really didn't feel that way whilst reading. It's really terrific when a writer can make such a small amount of words mean so much.

Something else I really liked was that there weren't any names mentioned. For something so personal, names weren't needed to be mentioned and I love that you didn't.

What I did notice though, was that some of your tenses changed a little throughout the piece, just little thing here and there that would be rectified with a thorough read though.

I really loved the format and the way that this was written. It really was great, I'll have to check out the rest of the pieces on your author's page.

Oh, also, I love that song, I've been playing it on repeat for months. :)


Author's Response: I've been getting a few comments where it doesn't feel as short as it does whilst being read *please ignore awkwardly phrased statement* but its good to know that I was able to draw it out in words rather than in total length! :)

I'm glad you liked the no-names bit, I often feel more connected to people when I don't know their names, too!

I have problems with my tenses that I'm trying to get through so thanks for pointing that out and I'll be sure to edit soon!

Thanks for all your lovely compliments & promise your review is coming soon, too, this week!

Isn't such a great song!? I love it so much that I thought I'd let it inspire me. :D

Hannah. xx

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Review #9, by ColeyWorth the Risk: The Safe House

7th February 2012:
Nicole again with your requested review!

Seriously, I can't take much more of this cuteness, I love Lysander/Hugo, I shan't ship nothing else!

The banter between them is amazing, the flirtation and sexual frustration is to die for. I love the characterisation of each of them, they're just perfect, I envy you.

The boys/girls conversation has got to be my favourite, it's so cheeky and actually made me giggle at the forwardness.

"One more thing," he said, as he stepped into the kitchen. "Wow." - I burst out laughing at this, I can just image Ly's little blush and smile at this.

Your chapters are a perfect length, they leave you satisfied but wanting so much more at the same time, which I love. You've done a fantastic job.


Author's Response: Don't ship anything else, Hugo/Lysander are the best (I'll let you ship Lily/Lorcan, only because they're in the sequel, which is coming soon, and they're amazing). ;)

I love their banter. But it was so hard not to write them doing something. Seriously, the sexual frustration was driving me crazy. LOL.

Thank you so much for reviewing.


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Review #10, by ColeyWorth the Risk: Babysitting Hugo

7th February 2012:
Hi, Nicole here from the forums with your requested review.

I still can't believe I haven't reviewed this yet, I followed it religiously. I remember talking to you about this amazing piece not knowing that it was yours.

I love the little snippets we see of Lysander's personality, he's a lot like Luna in some respects, he knows what he wants and stands up and fights for it. All the little bits of background were lovely as well.

Harry and Lysander's relationship was a stand out point for me, you can really tell that Harry is hoping and praying that the Lysander that trained hard is still in their and that he's not breaking down with the rumours that have been passed.

Also, Luna, I loved her little appearance.

Hugo is such a mix of Ron and Hermione here, it's amazing. He has Ron's stubbornness and Hermione's snark, I love it.

You've done such a great job here, it's a fantastic opening chapter, it introduces everything with just the right amount of detail and information.


Author's Response: Hi, Nicole!

I know you did. I remember that conversation; having your own story recommended to you is awesome, though; I take it to mean it's good. :P

He's more like Luna in his personality; he does what he thinks is right and will say exactly what's in his mind and not care what others think, though sometimes it'll get to him a little. Where as Lorcan is more like Luna with his imagination (he thinks he's psychic, you know. :P). They'll both stand up and fight for what they want.

Harry has so much faith and pride in Lysander; he's the youngest and thinks he's not as important like his parents and brother, Harry wants him to know it's not true.

Luna had to make an appearance, it wouldn't be right otherwise. :D

Hugo is definitely like his parents, no matter how hard he tries to deny it.

Thanks so much for reviewing!


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Review #11, by ColeyLucy: Lucy

30th January 2012:
Hi there! :)

You made this work really well without the dialogue, Lucy's frustration and desperation at being in this situation and having no apparent way out really comes across.

With a family the size of the Weasley's you can tell how tired one would become from the constant judgment of one's self against that of their relatives, you can see how one would want to escape.

I think a tiny bit more detail would have been nice, just a few descriptions of what exactly led to this descision, and maybe a little more on Lucy and Arnie's relationship prior to them running away together.

Overall, I really like this, getting a writer to really use their words rather than their character's is a really creative way for a writer to branch out.


Author's Response: Thank you! I have thought about adding some more to the story (it's on my list of things to do).

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Review #12, by ColeyBroccoli: A name

4th December 2011:
First off, this was beautifully written. It was so raw and relatable, and so hauntingly beautiful.

I love the fact that you've chosen to focus on a minor character, especially Eloise, she's someone you don't read about much in fanfiction. The way you've written her, you can really feel her desperation, how much she wants and wishes to be beautiful.

I'm trying to find something to critique on but I honestly can't find anything. It was a brilliant opening chapter, just the right length, just the right about of detail and just the right amount of information.

I haven't read anything else of yours, but after this, I'm definitely going to go through your author's page.


Author's Response: Thank you! :)

I'm so happy you found it beautiful. You're too kind with your words. :)

I always loved Eloise as a character, because she was a very real one, and most people could possibly relate to her, and I'm glad you could too! :)

Aww...I'm so glad you liked it so much! Thank you again for reading and reviewing!

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Review #13, by ColeyThe Longest Walk of Her Life: The Longest Walk of Her Life

27th September 2011:
Holy bejesus, that was incredible! (bejesus is totally a word :P)

That was so fantastically written and the flashback scenes were brilliant. :) Can you tell I'm just going to gush this whole entire review? ;)

The flow was wonderful, and the flashbacks slotted in perfectly. I'm not one for Dramione's, but the characterisation of them both, Draco and Hermione, just seemed so fitting, albeit slightly OOC for nonetheless amazing!

It was so sad when you were describing in the flashback about Draco proposing and then never coming back, I was quite devastated. But, at the end, when he comes back, I went a little fangirl-ish and I might have squee'd just a little.

SEQUEL!?!?! Yay!

I'm sorry that this wasted very informative, just telling you how awesome you are ;)


Author's Response: I agree "bejesus" should be stuck right there in the dictionary!

And WOW thank you so much for your lovely review :) Of course as a humble author, I must say that these words are too much for me (not) :P Even despite the fact that you aren't a Dramioner I'm so happy you got to enjoy this bit!

And squeeing is completely acceptable to Draco's entrance! :) :)

Thanks, Nicole!


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Review #14, by ColeyThe Guardian: The Guardian

6th September 2011:
This was really great! It was so well written with a really captivating plot. Please tell me there's a sequel? I'd love to read more about Oliver and Ramona, both of their characterizations was incredible.

I basically just loved the piece, I really like your writing style and everything flowed together beautifully. I liked that we had a little bit of who they were here, it was nice to know a little bit about them and what they did, I'd really like to read more on Daisy. Please write more of this? Hahaah!

The only thing I could point out really are very few grammar and spelling mistakes, nothing that is noticeable and can't be fixed with a thorough read.

I'll definitely be back to read more of your work, you're a very talented writer!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Honestly to know that you've enjoyed it just makes me smile.

YAY! The fact you're even thinking about reading the sequel if I ever actually wrote one is brilliant. Hopefully I will, the past week since I wrote this the characters have been floating around in my head unwilling to leave so maybe they'll give me an idea.

I know, my inability to proof read before I submit is truly awful! I do it with nearly everything I do. I've already put the edited version in for submission so hopefully the error free version will be up soon!

Thanks again for reviewing and i'm so glad you enjoyed it!

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Review #15, by ColeyLost in the Darkness: Lost in the Darkness

6th September 2011:
This was so incredibly sad. I had tears streaming down my face whilst reading a few of the sections.

The grieving process, in my opinion, was done really well, it showed a real transition in Lorcan's emotions and how he coped. I can't begin to imagine how it would feel to lose a sibling, let alone a twin.

The only things I would point out were that there was a few errors in your grammar, nothing completely distracting from the piece but enough to notice if you look close enough. Nothing that a thorough look over couldn't fix. Another was that I would have loved to see a little bit more in each 'section', maybe a little interaction with Luna and Rolf would have been nice.

Another thing I loved was the progressing relationship with Lily, I like how she was the only one that could console him and how she helped him heal. The last 'section' was incredibly moving, and was done superbly.

This is really great and I really enjoyed how the emotion was so raw and seemed so very real.

Author's Response: Aww I'm sorry I made you cry :/. Though that was sort of my point...xD. I'm glad you thought it was transitioned well...I;ve never lost anyone close to me, so this was a bit difficult to get right.

Yes, I need to go proofread this don't I...I shall edit! (if I ever have time...)

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing (even though I asked you to :D)


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Review #16, by ColeyLies: Lies

11th August 2011:
Hi there, coley from the forums :)

I really liked the emotion of this piece. It was nice to see the raw emotion, she really hasn't had time to think about it, it's pure anger and despair.

Even though it was an abrupt start, you did it relatively well, I do say though, that maybe a little more of an introduction would have been nice.

Also, it would have been nice to have a little more background on their relationship, perhaps in another flashback. That would have been nice.

The last sentence, "It didn't work ..." would have been more effective if it had been finished with a full stop rather than ellipsis.

Overall, this was a good piece with lots of good raw emotion.

coley - ravenclaw

Author's Response: Thanks for the great review!^^ And I've actually edited it this morning so as to add a bit more introduction and flashbacks so it should be better once it's validated^^ As for the last sentence, i hadn't really thought about that, but your right so i think I'll go edit that now!^^ Cookies for your review! :D


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Review #17, by ColeyAn Unexpected Adventure: An Unexpected Adventure

10th August 2011:
First off, I love Remus/Tonks pregnancy stories, purely because their aren't enough of them!

One of the stand out things for me in this piece was the switched in POV and how well it flowed together. The little snippets of overlapping in them did really well to keep everything together and didn't seem repetitive at all.

The characterisation was really good. Remus' reaction was a highlight for me, how he through of all the drawbacks before thinking of the positives. Also, how Tonks' mood is reflected in the colour of her hair was a real nice touch that I liked.

Apart from very few spelling (e.g. "plat" instead of "plate") and grammar errors, there's no real flaws or critique I can point out.

The line, "That was what he really wanted, not to be spending every night thinking like the monster he had fought so hard against becoming." was amazing! It just seemed to Remus'. Fantastic.

Overall, it was a lovely, adorable piece that I really enjoyed.

Author's Response: I'm glad that you thought it flowed well together. I'm glad that they seemed to keep everything together for you! I'm also glad that you thought the characterization was really good. Thank you! I'm glad that there aren't too many flaws that could be pointed out. I'm really glad that you liked that line and that you thought that he piece was adorable. Thank you ^^

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Review #18, by ColeyBlack: Black

6th August 2011:
This was fantastic!

I loved seeing how Bellatrix 'progressed' through the piece from a young, innocent, carefree girl to the ruthless murderer she was in the ending moments of her life.

The constant theme of darkness and black was done amazingly and because of the blackness tying in with the family name, it made it all the better.

Narcissa's characterisation seemed to me, spot on. It's exactly how I imagined Narcissa, innocent and accepting of everything her sister done, until she realised what was actually going on. Narcissa's excitement over her marriage to Lucius was something I really liked, how she relished the thought of being married to a handsome, powerful man. Also, her thoughts of her son, were great.

Apart from a few grammar errors, this really was fantastic. It was well written, it flowed well and the flashbacks were amazing!

coley - ravenclaw

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked Cissy's characterization. I was worried while writing it. Everything you mentioned was everything I wanted to accomplish in this, so thanks so much for it!

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Review #19, by ColeyBlack and White: A rather confusing state of non-reality.

4th August 2011:
Hi there! ^.^

First off this was absolutely hilarious! All the little cliche's that were included were put in really well and all together they make up a great parody. "Oh my wizard god," that really made me crack up.

The only thing I would point out would be this sentence; " she remembered. She remembered when we used to be the best of friends ... inseparable." I would have the elipses, although that might just be my hate of them :P

The changing colour of Arabella's eyes was funny aswel, and Sirius' thoughts on how she did it. Sirius' thoughts all together were hilarious, all the talk of being a teenage boy and all these things are really obvious were hilarious.

"Even my arse was sweating,"
"Doesn't everyone have a twin nowadays?"
"Like diamonds. Only grey."
These were a few of my favourite lines, they really cracked me up.

Oh, and the writing out of Peter was amazing! :D

Overall, this was well written, very enjoyable and a great read. It was hilarious and a great parody.

Well done!

Author's Response: See I'm a little overly fond of ellipsis, I often find... I may go back and consider that at some point.

I really enjoyed venting about my hatred of cliches (as well as mocking myself a little here) and I'm glad peopole seem to think its funny xD

Thank you for the lovely review :)

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Review #20, by ColeyThe Waitress: The First Taste of Freedom

30th July 2011:
Hi there! Here's your review, as I promised >.<

First off, I love the Sirius/OC ship, but it's hard to find one's that take place outside of Hogwarts, they are there, but they aren't as common, so, I'm considering this a jem. :)

I loved how you described Sirius' surroundings via smell, a nice little touch that reminds you that his animagi form is a dog, and they're known for their sense of smell. I don't know if this was intentional, but I liked the sense of loneliness that was in Sirius' part, how everything was bleak and dreary, how he had no one and didn't really know who he was anymore.

I love your description, I'm so jealous! Also, the structure, I really don't know what it was about it, but I loved it! Oh, and the mention of tattoos was really good. Although, that might be as I just watched PoA and you see the tattoos ^.^

I like how you showed that he is a completely different person than he was when he was younger, the broken and lost Sirius Black. Although he had his freedom, it was tainted as he had no one.

The flashback/daydream slotted in so well! It flowed beautifully with the 'reality', which, I feel, is rather hard to do.

I loved the last line, it was gripping and basically, as I've said the whole way through this review, I love it. :P

Overall, it was a great opening chapter! I'm adding this to my favourites so I know when the next chapter is up. :)


Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review! :)

I did think it would be kind of cool to write something that is not only a post-Hogwarts relationship between Sirius and an OC but also one that takes place during this time (as opposed to before his imprisonment or later in life as if he didn't die after all). I'm glad you liked that as well :)

The loneliness was very much intentional. I sort of wanted to show that a lot of Sirius's energy came from his friends, and he feels kind of lost without them there. He also feels quite powerless, wanting so much to right the wrongs done to Lily and James but unable to do anything while also striving to keep himself out of prison.

Yes, I love the tattoos as well. I love the picture of Sirius with those that I chose for the banner for this story.

I'm super glad you liked how I did the daydream. Most people find it very confusing, which it is intended to be, but I'm happy that it didn't stop you from understanding the plot. I'm also glad you liked the last line :)

Thanks so much for your praise. I'm very flattered. I've got to get a challenge piece up and running, but chapter 2 is written already and will be coming soon! :)


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Review #21, by ColeyBroken Souls: Chill of Sin

8th July 2011:
Hi there! Nicole here from the forums with your requested review. Sorry for such a delay in getting this to you.

This was fantastic! First off, your grammar was perfect, there really wasn't anything I found, congrats :)

Oh, also, this sentence! "... only to wallow in unintentionally self inflicted pain that spun on a broken reel in the darkest dredges of their minds." Oh my god, I loved this :D

Your prose is to die for, I'm so jealous. Really, you have the 'winning formula' and for that, I hate you >.< Just kidding.

In regards to grabbing the reader, you definitely had me! I'm really eager to see how this progresses and what happens!

I really loved this, well done!

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Review #22, by ColeySometimes It Hurts Instead: Hugo

12th May 2011:
Hi there! Nicole here from the forums for your requested review. I'm so sorry this took so long, I've been absolutely swamped.

So first off, the song was perfect. I loved how you used it and how you incorporated the lyrics into the piece. I'm not very partial to song-fics, but this one really worked and I really enjoyed it.

Although, in the first paragraph you do seem to have a little bit of a problem getting into the story, with your flow I mean, things seem a little staggered and they don't flow as well as the rest of the piece. For example, you could have done something like this instead;

'Hugo's face was nearly as red as his hair, his eyes puffy from crying. He slid his hands over his face, letting out small sobs. In his hand was a picture of Scorpius and himself; Hugo's small arms were wrapped around the Malfoy's neck and the two were staring into each others eyes.'

However, this is just a suggestion. You don't seem to have this 'problem' with the rest of the piece, the rest is fine, and apart from a few tiny grammatical errors, everything was really good.

I would like to also point out how well you used the flashbacks. I thought they were used brilliantly and really added to the bittersweet effect of it, very lovely. Also, I really loved how you described Hugo and Scorpius in the picture, it was really cute and you done it so well.

Overall, it was very enjoyable, I'll have to have a look at some of your other stuff on the archive. It was short, but sweet - or should I say bittersweet - but it didn't seem rushed at all which can sometimes happen in one-shots of this length. I can really see why it one first place, well done! Apart from working on the flow and little grammatical errors, I really can't find anything else to critique.


Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to critique this =D

First, I want to say it means a lot that you like this. Most people say that it's not a good pairing, but I'd have to say it's my favorite :) I'

Thank you for pointing those things out, soon i'll go back through it and make corrections ;) I'll be requesting again =D

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Review #23, by ColeyOnly Wanted it Once: Plausible Liasons

27th March 2011:
Hi there, Nicole again. :)
You must be sick of seeing my name now :P

I liked how Helena was showing Henry that she was not like every other girl that he had dated, that she wouldn't fall for his charm and grandiose. I also liked that she was able to take him by surprise and that he was outwardly taken aback. Also, it was nice seeing them able to get along and then their guards coming back up as soon as the other let slip.

"Slippery enough to get out of their little clutches as soon as they loosen their grip? Well, I was in Slytherin after all," - You have no idea how much I loved this line, it was awesome.

The only thing I would say was that Helena seemed all too willing to give up a bit too early, it would seem more 'her' to blow him off a bit longer. Although, if this is part of the plot, disregard that previous statement.

"The only women to not address him with a "Lord" before his name were always the women he enjoyed to ensnare the most." - This line was also amazing!

Overall, it was well written, as per usual, very good characterisation and it flowed very well.

Author's Response: Hey Nicole!
I'm definitely not tired of seeing your name :)
You're giving me feedback I desperately need with this story.

Helena is...well, I meant for her to be different. I sort of tried to translate her mother's wit into her personality of pride and the desire for glory. Henry was definitely supposed to be surprised. He's not used to girls like Helena. Their relationship is supposed to be a bit like they'd actually work if they ever got a real chance, but both their personalities make it impossible for both to ever have a relationship with each other or anyone else.

I'm glad you liked those two lines! I'm not entirely sure where they came from, but I suppose that's what being an author is!

Erm, not sure which part Helena gave in too easily, but I know what you're saying as she does give in many times throughout the chapter. It's not a specific plot point, once again, it's just my personal laziness interfering with me creating a few lines in which she holds back longer. I tried, but it didn't sound like it flowed with the story, so I'm hoping I can attribute it to her desire to "play" the "player" and get to Henry-which is a major plot point.

Thank you so much for the lovely review and feedback! I will be contacting you on your review thread once my last chapter is up! (Sorry if that's an annoyance to you)

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Review #24, by ColeyOnly Wanted it Once: Too Close

27th March 2011:
Nicole here again from the forums. :)
I liked his disregard for Lucy, he's got what he wants and he wants her out. A bad attitude albeit for a man, but really good for a Casanova. :D

I really liked the repetition of the first paragraph from the first chapter, it shows his routine and I like it. His snappy attitude towards his co workers stood out, it showed me that he seemed ruthless and a man not to be reckoned with.

Hat's off to you. I absolutely loved Helena. She was brilliant. It was exactly how I imagined her and her attitude. Her characterisation and attitude were spot on in my books.

Overall, this chapter flowed very well, it was well written and had really good characterisation.

Author's Response: Hey Nicole!

Truthfully, his disregard for Lucy was more of my personal laziness and eagerness to get that part over and done with than with displaying his character. *blushes* I'm glad it worked though with his character!

I'm glad the repetition of the first paragraph came through well! I wanted it there for the same effect you got from it!

His snappy attitude was meant to be more of a professional one, but it got the same result, you got the impression that he is an important man who shouldn't be trifled with!

Helena...I worked off a lot of my personal attitude towards life and the pride and thirst for glory we see in the book (those are what we primarily see of her.) I'm glad that the character was realistic to you!

Thank you so much for the lovely review!

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Review #25, by ColeyOnly Wanted it Once: Lucy

27th March 2011:
Hi, Nicole here from the forums with your requested review. :)

I liked the characterisation of the Baron, it was exactly how I imagined him, a smooth talking Casanova. Speaking of Casanova's, you really did a good job with the challenge, he is a true Casanova. It's also very fitting how he seems to think of Lucy as a game, a conquest.

His smooth lines and determination made me chuckle during this chapter which I really like in a story. I like that he's kind of swept Lucy off her feet, seems exactly how he gets all of his other women. This is well written.

All I can point out are the beginning few paragraphs, it seems a big haggard from the rest of the chapter, it doesn't flow as well, I believe this is because you are just getting into the piece, finding your feet.

Overall, this piece flows really well and there is really good characterisation. Also, I loved Walter, he was a really good drunk. :D

Author's Response: Hi Nicole!
Thank you so much for being quick with the review! (Though I wasn't with my response...)

Anyways, Yay! I reached my goal of Casanova! I tried to make Henry's relationship process mimic that of Casanova's. That would be to find a damsel in distress, save her, be with her for a bit, then ditch her with a different guy (as you see in the next chapter.) I also tried to incorporate today's society's typical view of a "player" in there too, because that's what a Casanova is, isn't it?

I'm so relieved that my message went through and you realized that those lines are the same for all his women!

The first few paragraphs...meh. You're right, I have trouble starting projects that are large. And 4 chapters, my goal for this story, is quite large for me. I work primarily with one-shots. Also, I always find the first few words are the hardest to write. I think I'll most likely be editing this at some point, and I'll try to work out the flow in the beginning, though I looked back, and I honestly don't know how.

Walter! Oh my gosh, he is my favorite character here. I love writing drunks. Enough said.

Thank you for the lovely review! It's given me good feedback to edit this piece on if I ever do so!

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