Howdy, leaving a review for team bronze! :)
Gunna say in advance, I wish to god I hadn't read this with such a bad migraine cuz it was really distracting me from the words and it took me a while to actually click onto the plot behind the scene unfolding. I feel like a moron for that, boo migraine :(
I enjoyed this little snuff peice lol. Bad terminology, I'm sorry. Brain fried.
You had a very nice use of description throughout this and whilst second person narrative is not my favourite, you did a very nice job maintaining it throughout the story, so well done. I liked how you captured a lot of description and put very vivid and clear images in my mind, particularly the falling to her knees in the esence of his life (blood), that was good.
One thing I will remark on is that the only way we know it is the characters you've listed in the chapter summary is because of the chapter summary... :S Without names etc, you do add the mystery but I think given it's in second person too, it makes it a little more open to interpretation, rather than "yes, it's those three" in the readers mind. I could have envisioned it being any other character due to the lack of information regarding the characters identity beyond the chapter title, for example the era or a nod to a characters lineage etc. If it's just I missed it due to the migraine, ignore that and I give you permission to whack me about the head with a fish.
I did enjoy this peice though, looking forward to reading more of your stuff which I'm sure I will throughout the BvB battle :) Have a good one!Author's Response: Hello! Sorry it has taken me FOREVER to respond to this!!
I imagine that, as confusing as this story already is, it would have been slightly boggling with a migraine. I can't believe you were even in a state at all to read fanfic, hehe, when I get migraines I'm sick in bed all day. That's quite impressive dedication ;)
Also, don't be hard on yourself because this piece is confusing! This was my first real go with second-person, though it did come pretty natural. Someone running away from the law for murder would tend to identify with their outside world if they couldn't retreat within themselves. The moment Rose does it becomes overwhelming and she becomes a little crazy.
I know the piece isn't exactly character specific. That's something I've been working on with my writing. I did talk about red hair and teddy being a metamorph/werewolf but it was verrry subtle so there will be no fish-smacking from me :P
Thanks so much for the review, I appreciate it, and though it's months and months later I hope that you did manage to feel better soon :) Report Review
Howdy there fellow 'Claw! :D Just stopping by to leave a review for you for the Bronze and Blue battle :)
I can tell that this would probably be some of your older work, as I'm sure I have read some of your more recent stuff and the language and style of your writing is different to this story.
I did get a little confused at time between the jumps to the past and present tense, it's not a writing technique I'm very fond of as it sometimes can get mixed up and put in different areas when you didn't mean to use it. I just think it leads to confusion personally, but I could still see what you were going for regardless; you were reflecting his time at school and his time in Azkaban, and then in Grimmauld Place (I'm assuming??)
As a reader, I do prefer a bit more description of the "here and now", as in settings, smells etc, just to really engrose me within the story itself. You did a bang up job on his emotions and memories, but a little more depth in regards to describing some places/events etc in his life/memories would've been nice. I always like to think of fanfic, as bizzare as this is gunna sound, as an entirely new work of fiction and assume that the reader knows nothing of the canon world of HP and you have to build it up from scratch again. Lets face it, everyone picks up various things within the books and overlooks some minor details regarding others, and some people may have read them a million times and others just the once. I always keep that in mind when I write something, cuz while I definitely stick to canon, I always remind my readers about events taking place in my story which are true in the JKR universe, just in case I picked up on something they didn't. Please dont think of this as me bashing on your story though, it's just a useful tip I wanted to point out cuz there were some instances within this story where a less obsessed HP fanatic reader might get lost in if they were to read this one shot, because to them they might have a harder time relating some instances back to canon.
I thought you captured the romance nicely, though it would've been nice to understand how they got together etc as well :) I enjoyed it though, well done :) Report Review
Wow, this is getting better and better hun! Definitely turning into a fangirl hun!
I'm really enjoying your characters development and rebirth, whilst still dealing with the demons of Azkaban. You're doing a great job with his character development as the story progresses, really enjoying it. And Alfred seems like a well rounded character and the voice of reason, you've brought him to life very well indeed.
Again, like last time with the cell and the coffin, I loved the spider in this one showing that there is life beyond the walls of Azkaban. Your description is so well constructed and flows nicely, really enjoying it. Sorry this review isn't longer, phone call lol... Author's Response: Yesh! Another fan girl! One day I will take of the world with my CRAZY imagery xD
Thank you so much! Poor old Euan - he's not going to be well for a very long time, I'm afraid. Alfred, personally I love Alfred, he's fabulous.
Thank you so much!
-AC Report Review
Holy crap AC! Where did ya pluck this from?!?! Lol.
The imagery in this so far is intoxicating! I mean seriously, when you're describing his cell as a coffin, that's not complete because of one tiny little hole in the wall, that was pure poetry! It read so perfectly as both Euan being stuck there and as a perfect metaphor too. Very, VERY impressive!
I can't place who this is the son of tho! For the life of me, I thought it was Scorpius, then it turned out it was someone else, so I wonder if Scoropius is Euan's dad, given the timeline?? I don't know, I'll just have to wait and find out lol.
This ain't in a bad way, but the fragmented randomness in this was so confusing at times - But, it worked! It showed a certain craziness to your writing which reflected Euan's mindset perfectly! It really threw the reader into the maddness of the situation and therefore could totally relate to his character. I thought you did an exceptional job, really, very impressive work!
Can't wait to read the next one, think I might just go do that too :) xAuthor's Response: Some strange and dark corner of my mind, I think. You've stumbled across my darker stories it seems, welcome to the other side of my life ;)
I've become like so addicted to imagery its like insane and you'll be seeing a lot of that if you hang around here for awhile, hehehe. Thank you so mcuh.
Eee! Thanks for reviewing and the compliments! :D
-AC Report Review
OMG I LOVED THIS!
AC, this was INCREDIBLE! Seriously, you got my heart thumping towards the end of it! I could see the little red riding hood playing out but until you said it was Fenrir, I couldn't for the life of me work out if it was him, Lupin or even Sirius lol! But it's CHILLING because it was Fenrir, and we know he is not a nice person! The boy taken, Lupin! It all makes sense and seriously, chills lol.
Favouriting this, this was insanely well written and gripping! Definitely my favourite of yours that I've read so far. The use of description in this was so powerful! You really dragged me into the story with the sounds and colours. Chilling.
Wow I just don't really know what to say, it was so gripping and not at all what I was expecting, beyond the general idea of LRRH. 10/10 effort, this was fantastic! Well done, enjoyed every minute of it!!! :)
TEAM BRONZE xAuthor's Response: Heart pumping? Huh, well that's a pretty crazy level of achievement to erm... achieve. Writing pretty messed up stories is a speciality of mine and this was especially fun - but even I had to admit that I wanted to pull Celia out of harms way at several points.
Anyway, thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. even if I am team blue ;)
-AC Report Review
Lol, you did a great job naming your OC's in this... I cracked it when you called one of them Jesse James. Very funny and Franklinstien... nice lol.
Such a random peice! I have NEVER read a story based around muggle studies which is interesting, cuz it's a completely different angle and I reckon you'll do a very good job pulling it off. I admit, I was a bit skeptical when you included iPods etc and I'm thinking I hope you stick to canon, and was pleasently surprised when Hugo had his eardrums blasted :) ... That sounds so mean lol, but regardless, glad you stuck to canon!
I think there were only a very few minor spelling/grammar mistakes in this but it didn't detract from the story too much so it's all good. I liked Archibald's dryness, thought you kept that up splendidly throughout the entire chapter. And fyi, I have a novelty sharpener too.. it's a cat, guess where the pencil goes lol... :) I think Archibald would approve... :)
Very well done, keep it up! :)
TEAM BRONZE! :DAuthor's Response: Ahha, this was definately the most random thing I've written. Actually, possibly I have. I loved writing this and I was just finding this hillarious as I wrote it.
Yeah, good job Hugo got hurt :')
I noticed all the spelling and grammar stuff after I'd put it in the queue, but at that point I didn't see the point of changing it whilst it was still in the queue. I edited it and I think I've got most of them now :)
Archie would love a pencil sharper like yours. He's dying with Jealousy.
Thanks for reviewing!
-AC Report Review
I liked this for more than the obvious reason of it was a very well written little insight to what would be a very hard time in their life... I liked it because you've actually recreated my own life within this peice, and I could definitely, DEFINITELY relate to Tonks' pain and suffering when the father of her child disregarded her baby and walked on out the door... You captured the real pain of what that is like very nicely, cuz I'm telling ya now from my point of view... it's very realistic.
Sorry, I dont have much more to say atm, but I did enjoy, just kinda hit a little hard, wasn't expecting this story to be about something I could relate to so directly, so soon after the event took place. Well done tho...Author's Response: Oh goodness...it's strange sometimes how you come across something that parallels your life. I'm sorry if I struck a raw nerve as of course I didn't mean that. But knowing that you do have reality on what I'm writing about here, I find it good (only in a writer's way of thinking) that I could write out what a time like that would be. Again, not to make less of your own event at all! but just to say, I guess, thank you for reading and saying something about it
xChar Report Review
Absolutely wonderful guys! I can't believe I'm all caught up now, when all I want to do is read more and more and more lol! Such a riviting read, I've enjoyed every chapter of this story so far, it's just been put together so well and you all deserve a thousand house points for your efforts! Just so well done :)
there were a few silly grammar mistakes in this one I noticed, but tbh I'm too upset that there's no more to follow after this one and I'm going to have to wait for antoehr update that I dont really mind lol. I hate that you've all got me hooked and the story ain't over yet, so cruel guys, but it's such a good read that I'll wait for it to be finished... Sigh lol.
Gotta love Winky, and I love how you're all melding it in so nicely with the events of GoF, the last few chapters, being so close to canon and relying on its timeline, have been wonderful. You've all put a lot of effort into making sure it's all correct, well done :)
Anyways, time for bed for this happy little reader, but tomorrow the graphic demon will emerge, mwhahahahaha... Excellent stuff 'Claws, truly amazing, I'm so proud of you all :) xx Report Review
Oh that was excellent guys! The sacrifice Barty's mum made to save her son, you wrote it so perfectly and made it really redeeming for the parents characters, even if Barty's dad was still a bit of a jerk. Regardless, you guys really pulled it off excellently and it was a joy to read. It was just so canon, and yet so creative at the same time, you made it your own, well done :)
I really loved the portrayal of Azkaban in this. I'm not just saying this, but I truly have not seen a finer example of the prison in any other fanfic I've read, it was just haunting and disturbing and exactly how it would've been from the inside. I'm sure Jo would've been extremely proud of the interpretation provided here :)
Only one more chapter to go... Aw... Dunno if I wanna read it or not, gunna get upset there isn't more to follow justyet lol... Ah well, off to read it I go, then bed, and tomorrow it's onto the graphics! :D Excellent work guys, so amazing!!! Report Review
Storms going away, thankg god! I might actualy get to catch up to the rest of you all tonight, yay! It's made for a wonderful few days of reading and the ideas for chapter images are just flowing fast and many through my head. I'll have to go image hunting tomorrow and see what I come up with so I can start making some graphics to go with these wonderful chapters you all have written :)
I'm seriously still so impressed by the effort you've all gone to to write this. I love how so many authors have joined forces, and yet for the most part it reads as if it was all written by the one person. That's talent right there guys, it's really, really clever and just seems so convincing, and yet there are just so many hard working people behind the scenes putting this all together. Absolutely marvellous guys, you're an inspiration! :)
I've been waiting for this chapter all series, the part where Barty goes to Azkaban and from now on, his story, although known from here on in thanks to the books, will be brought to life and the gaps filled in by our lovely talented 'Claw authors. I can't wait to see how it goes from here! I'm loving this story so much, it's just so different and interesting, very very well written and myserious! Off to read the next chapter, and hopefully the last one updated as well before I go to bed. Well done ladies! :) x Report Review
Oh wow, she ratted on him! I knew somehow he would've ended up caught, but Aurora dobbed him in?? Ouch! I like how she went via Flitwick, as if seeking his advice as well as informing him of where the guilty party would be. Barty's gunna be less than impressed when he finds out who ratted on them...
Another very nicely written chapter and I think I only found one spelling mistake this time. Unfortunately my review can't be long as the powers about to be cut in a storm lol, how wonderful... Another great chapter guys, excellent story work so far, I'm loving it and crying inside that it's nearly over (the published part, anyway lol). Loving it! :) x Report Review
Oh, the plot thickens! I hate that I'm catching up with the chapters, means I'm gunna run out of story soon *tear* :(
There were only a few minor spelling mistakes in this one that I could pick up on, but it was so action packed and interesting from start to finish I'll forgive it lol. Poor Aurora, all she wanted was to be his friend... :( Boys, can't live with them...
I really loved the attack on the Longbottoms, and for my part I forgot that it took place after Voldemort's death. Might have to reread the books hehe... Been a while. I really enjoyed this chapter, so full of action and despair, really great read! :) Report Review
Oh that was such a great chapter!! I'm sure that the mirror in question would be the Mirror of Erised, yes? Or something similar?? I love how Barty saw Aurora, not that of victory for himself or anything, it showed what he truly wanted even if he didn't admit to it and went ahead with becoming a Death Eater anyway. What a good little inclusion, I really liked that :)
And Voldemort's presence in this chapter, even if he didn't say a word, was haunting! I loved the slow revolution of his chair, that was a really strong image in my mind and definitely one that sent chills down my spine (rhyme! :P)
Another wonderful chapter and I just cannot get over the hard work and effort put into this story by you all, it's such a wonderful team effort, I'm so proud to be a 'Claw cuz you guys are genius'! :D Next chapter now!!! Report Review
Another excellent chapter guys! I really enjoyed it, the turning point in the story and the reason why Barty chose the life that he did. I thought it was excellent, very well written indeed and I did enjoy the quarral between Barty and his parents too, which forshadows later things in the story to come as well, no doubt.
Sorry for the short review, haven't had my morning coffee yet and words are escaping me, although it was another wonderful chapter :) Rock on 'Claws! Report Review
Hey there hun, just dropping by to leave a review for the Blue/Bronze challenge :)
For your very first peice of fanfiction I think you did a very good job, and you did tackle an obscure character so kudos to you for trying your hand at something new and different! :)
There were a few minor spelling mistakes in this, but nothing too bad. The repetition of "At age ***..." however, as a constant start to each stage of his life, did become a little repetitive and -for lack of better word so early in the morning!- boring towards the end. I know what you were trying to do with the story in showing each stage of his life, but just because it was repeated quite often, it did become a little dull... :S
Congratulations though on getting third prize with the challenge, that's a fantastic effort considering it was your first attempt at fanfic, that's really wonderful hun :) I did enjoy this (dont think that my comment above meant I didn't!!! :() and I hope I get to read another of your stories very soon :) Keep up the good work hun! xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! :) I do love obscure and minor characters... they're terribly fun to have a shot at writing! I really ought to go back and edit this a bit more... haven't quite gotten around to it yet!
Thanks for letting me know that. It was a stylistic thing, but I know it definitely could reach that point. :) Thank you so much for your feedback... it's awesome and I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
Holy crap Marina, that final sentence is so haunting! I literally just got chills!!!
What another wonderfully superb one shot you've got here! I love that both of the peices I've read of yours - so far! - have been about Ariana, she's such an under appreciated character and you've done such a great job bring her to (sorry for the pun, given the plot of this and Strawberry Hills...) life. She really stands out on the page as an interesting, developed character, despite being dead in both instances.
I also like how you're tackling difficult plots, with the character being dead and reflecting upon a life past. Its such an interesting concept and one which I'm quite enjoying.
The descriptions within this one shot were so beautifully written and the plot flowed seemlessly. I enjoyed it from start to finish, it was just beautifully constructed and the character portrayals were really nicely done. The beautiful descriptions you've used in this are quite simply haunting, but I really cannot get over the last sentence in this one shot, because despite it being a story, it holds true in "the real world" as well. Very wonderful and clever stuff, what a wonderful story! Enjoyed it very, very much hun! 10/10 :) Report Review
Oh yes, I've been looking forward to this part all series! I absolutely LOVE that you guys have created a revenge plot regaring Barty and the Longbottom's! I think it's pure genius and really clever! It just adds something else to the story that - until I got to that part of the story - I had trouble figuring out how this chapter fit in with the rest of the story. Now I see why and I think it's bloody marvellous and very, very clever! I see it clearly now, ignore my momentary stupidity folks lol!
Such an action packed and interesting chapter, I loved the ending of this. It makes me wonder if Lysandra was a death eater, or if she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Oh I can't wait to find out! Next chapter!!! Report Review
Oh, mysterious! I do so enjoy a good mystery, and what on earth were they doing in the broom closet that, unless mistaken, would be of similar purpose to what Barty and Aurora were up to. Very confusing and yet interesting. One makes you think they're making out, the other makes you think that Barty was being branded, and both could be completely wrong and misleading. I like it, very confusing... Nice work.
I'm loving how this story is unfolding and I'm sorry this review isn't as long as some of my previous ones, but quite frankly I'm sure you're all sick and tired of me repeating myself and I want to play catch up as much as I can and get started on some graphics to accompany some of these chapters that are feeling kind of lonely... :( Off to read the next one, keep up the good work 'Claws! Report Review
Back again! :)
Another very enjoyable chapter to add to the many before it. I'm really enjoying how this story is unfolding. It just goes to show the sheer amount of effort you all put into it. I'm kind of upset that there are so few reviews to the following chapters... It's sad because the numbers definitely dont reflect the effort put in behind the scenes in creating this very unique and interesting story. I wish more people would review, definitely gunna have to join the bandwagon to get people to review some more! :)
I wonder if the other houses have put in as much effort as you all have and created their own stories... Doubt they'd be as good as us Ravenclaws though lol, kidding... or am I? :P
Another extremely well written and enjoyable chapter. I love the slow progression into darkness that Barty's making. Kinda reminds me of, (dare I say it on HPFF??) Star Wars *GASP!*
But still, you know what I'm saying by that, of the slow progression and events that can change a persons views from good to evil, even unwillingly. It just happens. I love how that's been captured in this chapter. I really can't get over how well everyone's doing at continuing the plotline despite the multiple authors. I reckon you all deserve a gold star just for that effort alone, well done :)
Next chapter now, very enjoyable so far guys, can't wait to see where things go from here!!! :) Report Review
These cliffhangers will be the death of me... it's all ok atm while there are still more chapters to read, but god forbid I get to the end before the story is finished! I'll be driving everyone nuts in the house demanding to know wht happens next lol.
I'm really loving the simultanious storylines going on here, I think they've been carried through effortlessly and intertwined seemlessly! It's very impressive and a very useful story technique for dual plotlines. I think you guys are doing an excellent job constructing this story, it's just such a delight to read. So cleverly written :)
Things are going to get very interesting from now on I do believe, the transformation has started, he's starting to shy away from Aurora and the darkness is creeping into the plot. I love how it actually seems like there's a cloud starting to move across the page as the story continues, bringing about the darker side of Barty's character that he grows into as an adult. It's very interesting how it's starting to unfold :)
Only a few very slight spelling errors in this chapter, otherwise absolutely marvellous! Off to read the next chapter, can't wait to read it! :D Report Review
Oh the suspense, how evil! I'm definitely noticing a pattern here regarding the ending lol. I find it both entertaining and different. I just like the contrast of Flitwick and Helena just talking about Barty's life as if they were having a nice afternoon tea, rather than amidst the rubble of the castle after the battle. That just amuses me a little, must be my warped sense of humour at the irony of it sneaking in hehe...
Another great chapter 'Claws, I'm finding this story extremely enjoyable and I must commend each and every one of you for all the hard work you've gone through to bring it to life! Collabs are hard at the best of times, let alone on such a large scale as this is! I think you've all done a marvellous job thus far, well done! *hands out cookies!*
Now the chapter itself... :D I think I noticed only one (possibly two?) spelling mistakes, but otherwise it was absolutely perfect. I love this undeveloped relationship forming between Aurora and Barty. I say undeveloped cuz I'm sure they're going to be paired up in the future chapters. But as it stands, their friendship at age 14/15 is really well written, it's both casual and hinting at that slightly awkward adolecent stage. I think it's been very well adapted to the story, nice work!
Oh, I wish i could stay here talking about this chapter forever but I'm sure that everyone knows it's a knock out one, and there are many more to follow and I can't wait to read them, so cutting this review a little short, I'm off to read the next chapter! Go 'Claws! :) Report Review
Hello there! How're ya going? :) Just stopping by to leave a review for ya for the Blue vs Bronze Battle currently taking place. Obviously you've entered it too, so good luck as well! :)
What caught my eye about this one was the upcoming romance that would no doubt take place between Oliver and Hermione. I find Oliver to be a highly underrated character, as he is definitely one of my favourites, and I was very happy to see that he'd be a key character in your story. Can't wait to see how you go characterising him! :)
I found Hermione in this to be quite her canon self and easy to engage with, and I liked how you developed her character to suit her age as well. You managed to capture her mindset in this peice very nicely, well done :)
There were a few silly spelling mistakes throughout this that I did pick up on which were a shame, and there were also a few run on sentences and sentences using mostly "him" and "her" descriptions, which can get a little confusing at times. Try working on your sentence structure a little bit to include names a couple more times, just to break up the bulk a little and personalise your story a little more to help engage the reader, and dont forget about our lovely friend commas, rather than using "and" all the time, as it can really drag a sentence out which can become confusing at times for readers and distracting too. You can sometimes end up lost within a sentence due to the dreaded "and" appearing too many times and causing problems... :)
A very nice start to your story though regardless, I thought your description of the beach and the wind to be quite good as well, as it carried throughout the story seemlessly, well done! Can't wait to read the next chapter shortly, nice work! :)Author's Response: I like Oliver too. He seemed the perfect person for Hermione, a little bit older then her and determined in his pursuits. I'm really happy you thought I got Hermione right. She is older, but in essence, her personality and traits are still the same.
I'll have a read through and correct the mistakes. Thanks for the review. Report Review
Hello there, how're ya going? Reviewing this one for the Blue vs Bronze challenge, hope ya don't mind what I've got to say :)
I thought the idea of this one was good, I liked how it flowed in with the canon nicely, and the situation felt real and not over the top. I'm not entirely sure on Ginny's characterisation in this, but for the most part I think you did her justice :)
There were a few spelling errors throughout this peice that I did notice, particularly regarding the word "where" and "were", there seemed to be a bit of confusion there, as well as some basic grammatical errors that can be easily fixed if you were to revise it or get a beta reader to have a look for you, just to remove the obsticles distracting from this lovely little oneshot.
I think you did a nice job with this one, and you managed to weave it into the canon aspects of DH very nicely without it being over the top, well done. I particularly liked Ron's attitude towards Harry and his sister through Ginny's eyes, I thought you captured that quite well indeed :) Nice work! Report Review
Back again! :)
Very interesting chapter and I thought it was written marvellously! It carried on with the plot from the first chapter seemlessly (as seen with the ending of this chapter), and yet brought so much more to the table with the introduction of Barty's character and life during his time at school. I thought his boyhood characterisation was fantastic and I'm so looking forward to seeing how Barty written on the page above becomes the Barty from within the books, I can't wait for the transformation, I'm sure it will be excellent and well worth the read!
The description within this chapter was beautiful as well and I loved the interaction between Barty and Flitwick in particular, although I did like the inclusion of Barty having a more "human" side I suppose and helping others around him who needed it. I just like how it contrasts his character in the book and I really hope already that we see Barty turn on the likes of Gary, for example, in his fall into darkness. I'm sure you all have something up your sleeves!!! :)
Off to read the next chapter, wonderful so far! :) Report Review
Hello guys! Thought I'd get started reading this wonderful collab fic all the clever people in Ravenclaw have managed to put together, kudos to you all for such a wonderful effort thus far, I'm sure it'll be great given how many chapters I've still got to read, and I hope I can be of some assistance along the way, even if I'm a little late to the party, lol :)
First chapter was really interesting, I thought it was very different having it start off with Flitwick and Helena, and then trail off to be about a completely different character and his life at school. How unique and surprising, I quite liked that. To the author of this chapter, you set up a different way about bringing the plot into the story and I quite liked it, very clever indeed :)
I'm eagarly looking forward to the next chapter so I'm very sorry this review is a bit on the short side (I might also have stopped to make a chapter image for it before actually posting this review too lol, sorry...), but aside for a few small grammatical errors still remaining, I found the flow of this chapter very nice and engaging for the reader, well done!
Can't wait to read the next one, go 'Claws! :) Report Review
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