Reading Reviews From Member: Bobby Dazzler
  
57 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Bobby DazzlerRasputin: Severus Snape

21st May 2013:
Hey again Claire,
First up, why you no likey Snape? :P

I was having trouble typing even that much cuz my daughter was climbing all over me wanting to say hi, so hi from Lily (... yes her name is Lily lol), and now that she's asleep, back to my review! :)

Ok, 1, love the banner. I don't judge books by their covers but that's a nice peice of artwork there, love it! :)

I too LOVE Russian history. I find it fasinating, particularly cuz I've "married" into a Russian family, so learning everything is just so interesting to me, so I very much enjoyed this having a tie in with Russia.

There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes throughout this one though which got a bit confusing, particularly between tenses. In a few instances you'd switch from present to past tense and back again, so might wanna just have another read over this one and fix up a few areas where it doesn't quite read right.

Snape is such a complex character, and not many stories reflect on his younger days growing up at Spinners End or with knowing Lily before Hogwarts etc. I think you did a good job with the imagery, making his home dark and cluttered, and not very inviting, compared to his visions of Lily bathed in sunlight on the swings etc, it just balanced out nicely and you could see he'd found some sort of peace in his little personal hell.

To me, reading this one, Snape seemed a little one-sided in his thought process, like he hadn't opened his mind up to the entire situation only when put in the position by Voldemort and Dumbledore to spy on one another. He just seemed very one track minded about muggleborns and erradicating them from the magical world. I think he would've had a view on it absolutely, but maybe not quite as strong? At the end of the day, Lily was a muggleborn too and he loved her more than anything in the world, so he might not have had such strong views given her heritage, though I'm sure he still would've had an opinion, absolutely. I think perhaps the influence of Rasputin might've come across a little too harshly in this one, given what we know of Snape's character, but it was still interesting to think that he was THAT corrupt and confused in his own mind. I enjoyed it :)

Off to read some more! :) xx

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! I think it was one of the few reviews with constructive criticism that I really get regarding my plot. Also, I'll really need to get a beta or something for all of my grammar issues. I realize now that tense isn't one of my strong points.

I also love Russian history! I think it's just so complex that there was so many possibilities, but this was just the way that was easiest for me to incoroporate Rasputin into magic.

Thanks so much for your lovely review! (:


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Review #2, by Bobby DazzlerBroken Values: Draco Malfoy

20th May 2013:
Hey Claire, how're you going today? :)

So, either I haven't had quite enough coffee today (up all night with a toddler with the flu, eurgh!) that my brain is misfiring or I missed something in the timeline of this story and that of DH and they're not quite matching up in my brain. It starts off at the manor when Bellatrix is torturing Hermione, but towards the end it mentions the Room of Requirement where Crabbe tried to kill Harry? Granted, it's been a few years since I read the book (and only the once... SHAME!), but even in movie timeline which is still pretty accurate, I thought that occurred after the Manor scene. So... my question is, how much coffee do I need for it to make sense in my brain today? lol. Nah, my question is did Draco just keep a running inner monologue going as the canon story progressed, or am I just missing the entire plot this time around? If it's the latter, I'm so so sorry and I will go chain myself to the coffee pot!

I thought writing wise it was beautiful, no spelling or grammar mistakes that I could see and it made for flawless easy reading (minus the Kate-confusion), and the imagery of what you were saying was quite clear and packed a punch. I could really see the silver crest of Malfoy in my mind for some reason, it definitely stuck in my mind.

I am unfamiliar with the song! I'll have to get on youtube and have a look I think, might make things fall into place for me a little better, but aside from my general fuzzy-brained insanity, I thought it was a nice story and a good insight into the very troubled mind of Malfoy :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review!
And sorry for the confusion, but it's more of a running monologue rather than specifically where he is. Sorry about the confusion! And I definitely know that I need coffee with a long day!

The song is one of my favorites! It's from LOTR Soundtrack and I thought it fit perfectly. So much light and dark all based on one war. Thank you so much for the lovely review! (:


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Review #3, by Bobby DazzlerMy Pride and Joy : Orion's Reflections

10th May 2013:
Hey Claire, how're you going today? :) Here to stalk again, mwahahaha...

Orion latched the letter onto the family and sent it off. - FAMILY OWL. I think there's meant to be an owl in there somewhere lol. Was taken right after Orion's letter, and the paragraph that followed I think changes tenses so might just wanna take a look at that again ok.

Now onto the review, I enjoyed this. I like stories that are from the POV of minor characters, or sub-plot characters or whatever you'd classify Sirius' parents as lol. It just brings another aspect of the story alive to everyone and it's always interesting seeing how someone interprets missing parts of the story and I can see this being a plausible thing to have happened and fit nicely into canon, so well done. You've done it justice I reckon.

There were only a few minor grammar mistakes in this, mostly to do with tense changes (have/has etc), but aside from that it read nicely. I liked how at the end Sirius began to question his views a little about his family, father in particular. I thought it was a fitting ending and left the reader pondering what happened after then, and until what we know happened with canon, it's clever. I enjoyed this, think I'm just a fan hehe :) xx

Author's Response: LOL WHOOPS! yeah, there's definitely supposed to be an owl in there. Thanks for seeing the grammar mistakes! The tense thing is definitely one of my weaker points!

I definitely didn't want to stray too far from canon because I'm a canon-lover, though I do have my head-canons like this, where Orion isn't as bad as everything might think.

Thanks for the review! (:



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Review #4, by Bobby DazzlerBurning Bright: Fading Fast

9th May 2013:
Hey hun, how're you going? :) I am so sorry that this review request is so overdue!!! I've had seemingly endless computer problems so now that they're - hopefully! - all fixed, I was finally able to play catch up on reviews, yay! :)

Ok, going on your items you would like me to talk about :)

Did the star theme work? Yes, I think it did. It both was a play on words and told the story of how Regulus' life was deteriorating very cleverly, without telling us how he was fading away physically or what he looked like, but rather portrayed through the stars which were a lot easier to envision and it flowed nicely from start to finish. Clever writing technique :)

How was Regulus' characterisation? Look, we don't know much of him from the books, compared to Sirius or Bellatrix etc, so you've got more creative licence. Having said that, I think you did a great job, drawing influence from what we know of his canon character as well as what life from his POV would've been like by turning Sirius' views of him upside down. I think you did a good job, and it tied in nicely again with the star theme :)

Was his thoughts of Sirius ok? Yea, I think so too. It wasn't overplayed, it was genuine heartfelt emotion from someone who knew he was in trouble and likely eiether going to die or be killed by either the Death Eaters or the Order, or live a terrifying life in Azkaban which he probably wouldn't have survived anyway, so he was thinking of his brother who chose the better path and yea... I think it was fine, I know what you were trying to achieve and you did it :)

I enjoyed this one a lot, it was simplistic and short but said a lot, and had a lot of powerful imagery. Couldn't find any spelling/grammar mistakes either, even better! :) Very enjoyable love, feel free to request another, Bobby xx

Author's Response: Haha don't worry about it! I've requested some reviews and they're still 6 months so this quick :P

I'm glad that you found the star theme worked, as I wasn't entirely sure if over did it. I thought that it would reflect the situation well, so I'm glad that you liked it :)

Yeah I think the lack of knowledge about him from the books is the thing which worries me the most, as I didn't want to go OTT with him. I'm glad that canon influences worked too, as it was fun to intertwine to them.

Ooh thank god his thoughts about Sirius weren't overplayed. I have habit of getting carried away at times, and I wanted this to appear genuine. Yay you got what I was getting at, which is even greater :)

I think this is the first one-shot without any spelling or grammar mistakes, as I always seem to miss them. Thanks for this great review it was really useful :)

-Kiana


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Review #5, by Bobby DazzlerIf Only They Knew: If Only They Knew

9th May 2013:
Hi, how're you going? :) I'm here with your very overdue review request - sorry, I've had a long string of computer troubles, hopefully fixed now! Onwards! :)

So, first up - loved the twist! Wasn't expecting that at all!!! I was really anticipating a Dramione, not what we got, well done! Honestly wasn't expecting that ending, was really taken back by it, but I loved it because it was unexpected and also original pairing!!! Loved it! :)

You said in your request that you wrote it in one sitting and were worried about posting it - you shouldn't be worried about posting your work, you've got a lot of talent and it was beautifully written. It was creative, had an original pairing and a unique twist. Having read it originally, as I'm sure many people did, through Draco's eyes and then having it thrown at you that it's actually through Ron's eyes and then rethinking everything we've just read and our expectations etc, it makes it very fresh and really clever. You're a very talented writer :)

I thought the flow was fine, honestly I was a little distracted by my daughter at the time so I couldn't really focus on the spelling/grammar as in depth as I normally do, but if nothing jumped out at me immediately to outdo a hungry toddler throwing a tantrum (I only had like... 3 paragraphs to go when she started, I just had to finish haha!), then I'm sure it's all good :)

Really enjoyed it, very creative, please feel free to request any more reviews from me anytime; really enjoyed your style of writing. Take care, Bobby xx

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for dropping by! It's not a problem at all for the delay - I've had some laptop trouble too, and combined with hectic real life it's contributed towards the lateness of this response - I'm terribly sorry!

I'm really glad that you loved this one-shot, as I honestly thought people would dislike it. It's fantastic to hear your comments and please don't worry that you weren't able to focus on spelling/grammar as much - your daughter obviously comes first :)

Thank you very much, and I'll definitely re-request soon!

-Katie :)


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Review #6, by Bobby DazzlerGrizzled: Grizzled

7th May 2013:
This was fantastic!
I know you have asked for a review from me (which I am shockingly late in giving, a thousand appologies!), but how can you review perfection? You just can't.
I loved every single moment of this story, it really struck a chord with me as my grandad had dementia too, so I thought it was absolutely beliveable, tastefully written, and completely touching. It was just fantastic, and like I said, perfect. I am going to give this 10/10 and fav it, because I'm sure I'll be back to read it again, it was a delight and thank you for writing it, it was wonderful :) Bobby xx

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for this lovely, lovely review and for recommending my story on the forums. It really means a lot to me how much you enjoyed my this, and the praise means so much more coming from someone who has experienced a loved one with dementia. I really wanted to do this delicate topic justice. Thank you so much for your wonderful words, this review made me very happy! :)

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Review #7, by Bobby DazzlerMasquerade: Commencement

7th May 2013:
Hey, how're you going? You requested a review from me AGES ago but I've had nothing but laptop problems, so now that they're HOPEFULLY fixed I leapt at the opportunity to play catch up and you were first on my list, so very sorry about that!

So, first up I have to ask... Was this a one shot, or a prologue? Reason I ask is that I only accept one shots, and if it is a one shot I am completely confused, but if it's a chaptered fic... well, I'm still pretty confused but it might make more sense knowing that the story isn't over yet. So yea, one shot or chaptered?

I'm going to go with the impression that, as I only take on one shot requests, that this is a one shot and review it with that in mind, ok?

So, first things first, a few standout spelling/gramatical errors.

ďCome on now dear, donít play games you donít even understand,Ē he tutted, grabbing my arm and twisting it behind her back, while I struggled in shock. - TENSE CHANGE, reference to "her" arm when it should've been "my" arm.

How could have I? All Iíd ever wanted in life, I was given. - Just included it a bit longer so you knew where I was talking about, but "How could I?" or "How have I?" How it is at the moment is extremely awkward to read.

There are many instances in this story where your sentence structure doesn't flow due to overkill with comma's, so maybe just try reading it allowed with the pacing you've put down for the story, pausing for the commas etc, and you'll see what I mean, rather than getting a beta reader - I don't think you need a full on beta, but that's a handy tip to know :)

Ok, now, the rest... I am confused by this story, trying to work out how it fits together and I'm sorry, but as is, I just can't do it. I couldn't see the flow between the characters, only thing that kind of held them together was the few minor references to the canon next gen characters. Sorry to be blunt about it, but it's true. I was unsure for a while whether it was the same girl, then their names were mentioned or the differences in height etc, and I just got more and more confused.

The scenarios for each three parts were interesting in their own way, I liked the girl from part one, how she was malicious and the one from part three being a Seer and the story behind the disappearance of the Seers, that was interesting, but aside from that, again, I didn't see the flow between the parts, I'm sorry. Hoping your response will shed some light over everything so I better understand it though... Hope this kind of helps? :S Bobby xx

Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review.

This was a prologue and there were 3 different characters (girls) involved in the story.

I understand that it might have been confusing and I'll try to fix that.

Thank you for leaving a review!


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Review #8, by Bobby DazzlerBeautiful: I.

6th May 2013:
Hey Claire!

First off I would like to kick off this review with a huge SORRY for not reading and reviewing this sooner, particularly before the challenge actually ended - feel incredibly slack for that but unfortunately I have had endless problems with my laptop and been unable to use it, which unfortunately meant unable to read this too, so I am very, very sorry about that :(

Now that that's all said and done, let me first congratulate you on a very unique interpretation of the challenge. I wasn't expecting something like this, but I very much enjoyed it! It was definitely original, well done :)

My favourite part of this is, although it was written from Sacharissa's POV, granted being third person, we don't know much about her. Yes, she is a perfectionist. Yes, she invented a potion. She's in her 7th year. She's friends with a few people. But as for herself, we don't know much. Her hair colour, her eyes. We know a little about her outward appearance, but only from being compared to others who she sees as being perfect, and THAT'S what I loved about it. We learnt who she was and what she was about by her obsessive comparison to her views of perfection in others, and only saw her focusing on the negativity in herself. Reason I love it so much is cuz it was a different way of getting that message across without being obvious, "she didn't like her body, or grades, or blah blah" - where's the fun in that?! I really admire how you got everything you needed to get across without going the obvious route, well done!

The characterisation, plot, flow and description were all great. I can't fault it, and you followed the challenge guidelines wonderfully, and interpreted them in your own way which is even better. I enjoyed every minute reading this, so thank you so much for taking the time to enter the comp and writing such a clever little peice (sometimes short stories are all that's needed without killing it with too much info, so don't stress about that, you did great :)) I know the challenge has ended, but I have one more story to read now and I will get back to you on the forums how you went ok :) But thank you very, very much for taking the time to enter this challenge, and I am very sorry that I was unable to judge it on time due to technical difficulties. It was great, thank you :) Kate xx

Author's Response: oh of course!! don't worry about it; computer problems happens to everyone ^^

I'm glad that you liked that we knew little about what Sacharissa disliked about herself because most of the time, I feel that feeling dissatisfied with yourself isn't just about wanting to fix one thing. At least to me, it's this feeling of over-all inferiority (even if it's not true) that really takes over when you want to be perfect, etc.

Writing short stories are definitely my favorite; it's not only challenging but I love to be able to know that I can, to the best of my ability, convey a message in as little words as possibly needed.

This was a WONDERFUL challenge!!! I'm glad that I entered too! Thanks so much! (:


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Review #9, by Bobby DazzlerHeart's Desire: Beauty

6th May 2013:
Hey Amanda!

First off I would like to kick off this review with a huge SORRY for not reading and reviewing this sooner, particularly before the challenge actually ended - feel incredibly slack for that but unfortunately I have had endless problems with my laptop and been unable to use it, which unfortunately meant unable to read this too, so I am very, very sorry about that :(

It was a wonderful read, and definitely not what I was expecting in regards to the love potion. I thought it was a unique spin, which I am greatful for. I love originality :)

Now for my "Der Kate" moment... Until I was reading the reviews already left for your story, I actually didn't make the connection that it was Lavender Brown... It's been a while since I've read DH, as in a few years and I did only read it the once (shocking I know!!!) but I feel like a real moron for not making that connection, and now that I have, I actually appreciate this story more and filled in the questions I had for it by doing that. So clever lol.

Now, with that revelation in mind, I love how you portrayed Lav Lav's character in this, and it's made her character more interesting and deeper. You wrote this very skillfully! I love, in a way, her vanity for needing to be the "beautiful" person she once was and can only do it by use of a potion to convince herself she's beautiful on a daily basis. It's a sad existence really, but it's also poetic.

I really, really enjoyed this one shot, you've done a wonderful job interpreting the use of a potion (and nailed the challenge guidelines, thank you!!! :)) and your writing style is beautiful, very much enjoyed it. I know the challenge has ended, but I have one more story to read now and I will get back to you on the forums how you went ok :) But thank you very, very much for taking the time to enter this challenge, and I am very sorry that I was unable to judge it on time due to technical difficulties. It was great, thank you :) Kate xx

Author's Response: Hi Kate, thanks for stopping by (and issuing a fantastic challenge)!

No worries, several other people didn't pick up on the main character being Lavender. And don't tell anybody, but I think I've only read DH once too--horror of horrors! :) Anyway, it's great that you felt like the story became more meaningful once you put a name to it.

Lavender's story here is meant to be really tragic. She lives all alone and isn't even able to accept herself without the aid of her potion. It's funny, because my original idea for this one-shot was to make it have more of a happy, self-acceptance theme, but the prompt from the challenge totally changed it (and made it much better, in my opinion).

Thanks for your lovely review!

-Amanda


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Review #10, by Bobby DazzlerTomorrow is another day: Prologue

26th March 2013:
Hey hun, how're you going? Man its been so long since I've read some of your stories hey, since validating on TDM... I'm so slack lol. Sorry its taken a while to review this though, Lily poured water on my laptop and I think it's ruined the circuit for the charger cuz I'm having a lot of trouble with it... I do love her, I do love her, I will not hurt her for hurting my laptop. haha. Anywho! :)

First chapter down and guess what? Loved it. It was such a different way to start a story, with a break up... Very different, but I liked it cuz it was different :) I could see what you were seeing very clearly in it too, nice description work. There were a few typos tho - I know you havent gone over it, so thought I'd help out lol :)

All his believes [beliefs] had seemed to be a lie and he no longer knew what to believe in, who to believe in.

Slowly she opened her eyes and saw him step out of the bed and collecting [collected] his clothes.

The sun just began to show itís [its] rays, far away, only just reaching above the mountains.

I'm curious to know how their relationship happened in the first place and I hope in the following chapters we're told how they got together, given Draco's a wizard and Angie is a muggle, and how long they were together etc... Could be interesting. Hoping it unfolds as the story does :) Looking forward to the next chapter - I will get around to reading the rest of the story, I just have one other person with a one shot on my request thread so I'll do that first then come back ok :) Loves ya hun! xx

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! You know I always really appreciate your input! Ever since the TMD days :D. And really, don't hurt Lily...she's far too cute! I bet she even looked adorable while pouring water on your laptop!

I'm really glad you liked it :) I've been going back and working on the other chapters, but I never really dare to touch that first chapter. So I'm glad you haven't found any major mistakes in it.
Thanks for pointing out those mistakes! I'll change them asap.

About Draco and Angela getting together. I did touch on that story. However, I am working on rewriting it a little bit. The back story of their relationship needs some love and attention, but I hope you'll like it!

Thanks again Darling! With the kind words this chapter has gotten, I'm all inspired to edit it again :D


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Review #11, by Bobby DazzlerEvery Song Must End: Bitter...

26th March 2013:
Hey there lovely, here for your review request! So sorry its taken so long, having laptop troubles (daughter tipped her bottle on my laptop and its ruined the charger, no!!! :( ... I still love her, sigh... :P) Anywho...

VERY CLEVERLY WRITTEN! Yes, worthy of a caps attack! I honestly thought it was extremely clever in its composition. I have read a few other authors who have written 500 word stories like this (I think from memory my friends Elysium and MajiKat, been a while since I've read their stuff, but they love me so its cool lol) were rather partial to writing stuff like this too, so was nice seeing someone else writing this style as well, thanks :)

No, description. You did a wonderful job. The style you used to tell us EXACTLY where it fit into canon, and then continuing on with the story post-war, excellent. I knew you were referring to Lucius and Bellatrix and Snap and Narcissa, without even having to say their names, and knew you were referencing Lucius' fall from grace in Voldy's eyes, and Bella going more insane with power that eventually would kill her, and Narcissa consumed with guilt and worry over her only son. You didn't need to tell us exactly what was going on - we could tell as a reader EXACTLY what you meant with the single lines of reference, and THAT is very clever writing. Well done!!!

You were worried about it being a complete story with 501 words? Yes, it is. It is complete, with references to canon, past and future (eg, them getting together and having a kid etc), so I wouldn't be worried about that at all. It read like poetry, and was really, really enjoyable. The fact there was no dialogue, even better. I dont think I could say I would've enjoyed it anywhere near as much if there was dialogue in this style of story. All up, 10/10 and fav'd, I couldn't fault this if I wanted to, it was great :) Bobby xx

Author's Response: HAHA! Sorry, I shouldn't laugh, because that's actually a terrible thing to happen to someone! As long as your daughter was safe when the accident happened!

Wow! Thanks for the caps lock (I have great respect for caps lock)! 500 words was really difficult to do, but I'm glad that you liked it so much!

I was worried about its lack of description, but I'm glad to see that you found it not to be a problem! Thank goodness you knew to whom I was referring and where everything was set! I wasn't sure if I was relying to heavily on canon or not!

And yay for completedness (although incompletedness has its place as well, but just isn't as satisfying, in my opinion)! A few people have commented on its similarities to poems, and I find that so funny, because if you ever read any of my few attempts at poetry, you would laugh, it is that bad. So thanks for the super unexpected compliment! And whilst writing without dialogue was difficult, I felt it would ruin the effect, as you said.

Thanks so much for the fave and your love!


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Review #12, by Bobby DazzlerA Hundred Bloodied Sunsets: we will remember

5th March 2013:
Hey AC, here for BvB review :) gunna keep this short and sweet cuz the story was short and sweet and direct. I haven't seen something like this before actually. Very to the point and prolific, I enjoyed it a lot. You gave us glimpses of how the deaths of those people during the final battle affected the lives of those who remained - the scene with Andromeda in particular pulled at my heartstrings as I have a little baby too, would be so sad :( I really enjoyed this and you did the characters memories justice in such a short, very cleverly written peace. Well done :) Bobby xx

Author's Response: Thank you Bobby! This was a lovely review and I'm really glad that you enjoyed it. I never thought I could achieve anything with 500 words!

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Review #13, by Bobby DazzlerSeeing Double: Prologue

5th March 2013:
Hey Aph, how're you going? Here to give ya some love for the BvB battle :)

So, this is not what I was expecting!!! I think I only glimpsed the "characters" before going ahead and clicking on the link for the first chapter and as a result I spent the majority of it until Victorie was mentioned thinking it was Molly Weasley (Ron's mum...) and was going to correct you and say that wasn't her maiden name at school, as it had me very confused until that point (seeing how I'm sure I saw Andromeda and Bellatrix in it), but ah well, clearly been attacked by baby brain and will therefore shut up lol. Sorry about that.

So, I'm starting to think, now that I've read everything and it's making a bit more sense to me being a next-gen than mauraders (lol), that it could be a type of time travel fic, explaining the "her" in Molly Weasley (JR's, lol...) head, and I am keen to find out. Very mysterious. Is it like Tom Riddle's Diary kind of situation where Molly talked to someone from the past like that? Keen to find out.

Will admit, it's been a LONG time since I've read a story in 2nd person, but you carried it through beautifully and it didn't drag. On the contrary, it read seemlessly and "fast", if that made sense? Yes there was a lot of description (at times, a little too much towards the beginning? Some sentences I had to re-read - could also be from being tired...) but for the most part it didn't drag the flow of the story down at all, and the plot is very interesting already, very mysterious.

I am very interested to find out who the "her" is, and how she came into being. Very sinister, love it! Will definitely read more (after a nap I think, hehe!) Bobby xx

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Review #14, by Bobby Dazzler{insert evil laugh}: a beginning of sorts

2nd March 2013:
Hi Sankavi, here for the BvB battle :)

So, this is your first fanfic? Welcome to the wonderful world of fanfic, you'll never leave now - not never want to leave, you will at some point, but its harder than it looks. Trust me, I've been doing it for nearly 10 years now lol. So, wishing you all the best and many, many fun times writing and many, many late night coffee induced insomniac sessions that are more fun than what they sound - they do happen. A lot.

Now, onto the story. First of all, you should remove that huge AN - I actually don't know how it got approved as it does kinda violate the ToS, so you should delete it before a validator comes across it and could potentially remove your chapter!!! Your first little AN is fine, but all the edits and snippets etc, they really do need to go :S

Now, onto Laila. She is obviously your OC, you've done a little bit to show us her character so far in terms of looks, history, likes and fears. You've done a good job telling us that so far in such a small first chapter. I'm looking forward to watching her character develop in the following chapters. I will admit though, I am not entirely sold on the mysterious sister/brother plot (as I said, I've been doing this a LONG time, I've seen it done many, many times before lol), so I'm hoping you can breathe some fresh air into a very overused plot bunny and give it your own unique spin. Wishing you luck! :)

Mysterious mother eh? That part confuses me, as obviously Draco knows she's his daughter, but therefore so would Astoria and Scorpius, but as for the rest of the wizarding world? Do they know that Laila isn't his, or are they under the assumption that Astoria is in fact her "mother"? Interesting to find out.

Would love to see a little more description find its way into your writing, just to build up the foundation for your plot and drag us readers more into your world. I will just say I am crossing my fingers and toes for you that you avoid turning your character into a Sue, as just from the generalized plot alone, this plotline does have the tendancy to breed them a lot. I hope you're one of the lucky few who avoid that fate :)

Keep up the good work, and enjoy your time writing fanfic, have fun! :) Bobby xx

Author's Response: Hi!

This is the first fanfic I've written, but I've been part of the hpff world for a good 8 years now :)

I've removed the edits, sorry about that!

Okay, so Laila IS Draco's daughter but is NOT related by blood to Astoria. Of course, after living pretty much her entire life with them, Astoria has become her mum to her. As for the press, they are under the assumption that Astoria is her mum and the thought of Laila having a different never even crossed their mind :)

It's funny because I'd never thought the whole mum deal would turn out so mysterious! The mum part was never a pivitol role in the plot in my head so it was strange to see everyone react to it in that way.

Thanks so much for the review. The crit helps alot!!

-Sankavi ^_^


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Review #15, by Bobby DazzlerCome with Me: Come with me

2nd March 2013:
"He wishes that death had seized him the way it was supposed to, and had not grasped her instead." - Very powerful, commanding line that. Definitely my pick of this story, nice work.

So anyway, here to give you your review you requested while bubba girl is asleep (or meant to be!) :)

Right first things first. PLOT.
I didn't mind the plot in this, you hinted at Draco's dad being abusive, something that I honestly haven't seen in many newer stories lately (It was a really popular plot bunny back in the day when I first started writing, nearly 10 years ago, eeip!) and so that did surprise me, just because I haven't seen it done lately.

As for the rest of the plot, I liked the idea of Draco being filled with so much remorse over Catherine's death that he'd be feeling so depressed and capable of ending his own life, but I think that the relationship between Draco and Catherine could've been developed more than what it was. Like how they originally met, eventually fell in love and would die for one another. I know you hinted back to their earlier years, but there's still a lot to be left to interpretation as to what happened in between.

Because there wasn't as much backstory of their friendship becomming a romance, I am left questioning why Draco would be willing to risk his own life (given his canon self is so self centred and cowardly) to try and save anothers, and then eventually take his own. So, I do like the plot, but it could be developed a little more, just to fill in the gaps.

CHARACTERISATION: Again, kind of already mentioned tihs before in the plot side of things. I think you kept some aspects of Draco's persona correct and others could've been developed more to account for the situation he was now in with Catherine, to show the reader how they got together and how he fell in love. Also, given Catherine is an OC, it would've been nice to know more about her character too, aside from the fact she died. There was one conversation they had talking about going to the Order for help that I did find a little OC for Draco. I know he would've been scared and frightened, and wanted to do the right thing by Catherine, but just how it was worded - it sounded stilted and too mature for frightened teens.

Also, the inclusion of Rodolphus Lestrange was both confusing and different - I was anticipating Voldemort. But given the fact that you didn't introduce Lestrange before then or hint at his involvement before it happened, readers were kind of blind sighted by it in a way..

FLOW & READER ENJOYMENT.

Overall, I thought it flowed nicely, could be improved here and there by expanding on those things I mentioned before about character development and building on some plot foundations, but otherwise it was a nice one shot of Draco unable to deal with the most heartbreaking thing he's ever undured and deceided to end his life as a result. A morbid happy ending, I suppose lol. Nice work and hope this helped in some way, until next time! :) Bobby xx

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I apologize for the delay in responding!

Yeah, Lucius being abusive was a popular plot years ago, so I decided to bring it back in fashion xP

I am glad you liked Draco's remorse and such. I didn't develop their backstory much because I wanted Catherine to be more of a symbol than a properly developed character, so I left a lot to imagination. I think that the impact would have been less if I had focused on the background details. I'll consider developing the plot further though, maybe in the future - so thanks for your comments - but as of now I'll let it be as it is.

I'll try and go back to edit the conversation about the Order, to make it seem more like frightened teens. Thanks for the tip.

I just thought I'd include a random death eater, then I just sort of gave Rudolphus' name to it. I'll see what can be done further about that.

I am pleased you found this nice overall. It did help, yes. Thanks!


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Review #16, by Bobby DazzlerThe Odd One: Plotting Revenge

2nd March 2013:
Hey, how's it going? Here to review for the BvB review chain! :)

So... I enjoyed this, it was a dark little insight into the thoughts of Tom who would grow up to be the Dark Lord. You've kept him malicious and sinister the whole way through, not unlike his adult character, and at the same time young enough to be considered innocent. You did a nice job with his characterisation at that point in his life, and the thoughts that would've been going through his head.

In keeping with that line of thought, you made it very obvious it was definitely a thought or reflection on events in his eyes, as at times the sentences seemed a little jolted, but I think you did that on purpose to make them sink in with the readers. What I mean by that is that at times there were a few extra commas etc where you could either have them or do without, but you chose to keep them to make the reader take more notice of the power behind his words, and think. Clever writing tactic but at times it seemed like they were placed in the story without necessarily needing to be there and it made some of the sentences a bit long and harder to read.

Overall, I think it was a cleverly written one shot and a good insight into Voldy's younger days, which by all accounts would've been absolutely fascinating, dontcha think? :) Bobby xx

Author's Response: It's going well :D

I'm glad that you enjoyed the insight into Tom, and growing up to be the most evil person ever! I'm glad that you liked his characterisation, and thought he was evil, yet innocent, as that's what I was trying to do!

Yeah that was the purpose of the sentences, as I wanted to make the reader view him in another light, and possibly more sympathetic one! I'll review the sentences, and see how I can make them easier reading.

I agree Voldy's younger days are fascinating, and that's partly why I wrote it, after blogging about how fascinating I found his childhood!

Thanks for the review,

Kiana:D


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Review #17, by Bobby DazzlerPerfect: That is Me.: Perfect: That Is Me.

2nd March 2013:
Hi AD, how's it going? Here for the review tag :)

So, Pansy, obvious, lol. Now that that's over and done with... You did a good job keeping it in first present tense the whole way through, and I'll forgive you that given the fact that Pansy was just so vain and obnoxious to everything else going on around her, because well, it's Pansy and that was the point of the story, to show things from her self-centred POV, so you did acheive that, though it did annoy me slightly just because it's Pansy lol.

There were a few grammar mistakes in this, unnecessary capitalization at times which really stood out and sentences that didn't flow as good as they could've due to extra commas. Maybe a little grammar revision wouldn't go astray? :)

I feel sorry for Draco about to walk in to a room where Pansy will unleash on him, as I'm sure in keeping with HBP canon (I guessed it was that year...), he's been busy doing work for Voldy, which did show through in your writing too. Nice background, but obvious, plot.

Overall, aside from a few niggling grammar issues, I thought it was a nice one shot of a very vain Pansy, which is exactly who she is :)

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. Apologies for the delay in responding.

Yes, it's Pansy. I am glad you found the present tense done well, as that's something I tend to have trouble with. Haha I am sorry it annoyed you but pleased that I got the self-centred POV across.

Thanks for letting me know about the grammar mistakes and unnecessary capitalization and commas, I'll read through and try to fix this.

Yes, Draco is going to go through hell ;) I am glad you liked the background, and well the entire point of the story (and the challenge for which it was written) was to keep things as obvious as possible.

I am pleased you liked it overall, thanks.


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Review #18, by Bobby DazzlerDanse Macabre: Exit Music

2nd March 2013:
Hi Caoty, here for your review as requested, and I have to say, this was NOT what I was expecting at all!!!

It was for lack of better vocab at this point in time, a mindf***. I followed it, it was very cleverly well written, both obvious and obscure, and to make them both clear at the same time, and yet both so different. Wow. Impressive. I did enjoy how you were saying obvious things like explaining the effects of the Drink of Despair in one of the scenes, but without saying he was drinking - You could follow it based on what canon we do know about Regulus and how you portrayed it (the trip across the waters of the cave, only Kreacher there with him, and then the memories), so I don't think you needed to worry about "copping out" as your A/N said.

I will say though, just during that scene, I know it's a memory flashback whilst he's drinking, and you did it all lowercase for effect, but my inner grammar nazi was jumping up and down wanting to wave her wand and zap all the i's to I's... I know what you were trying to acheive, but. maybe reconsider that part? :)

Definitely a one shot to get you thinking, and that's exactly what it's done. Very cleverly written. I enjoyed it as it all sunk in what you were trying to convey, well done. Bobby xx

Author's Response: Hey - sorry I've been so late in responding, I'm crap at this kind of thing.

I think a mindf*** is probably the right word - I'm a bit sneaky in that I like to write stories where it doesn't make sense if you're not paying attention.

Oh, the lower case was a bit of a headache for me, too. I wrote it in lower case as kind of a first draft thing, went back and corrected the grammar but it looked odd somehow, and just generally went back and forth a million times until I gave up. D:

Thank you so much for your lovely review! :)


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Review #19, by Bobby DazzlerAva: Ava

1st March 2013:
Lol, I feel like cheeseball now... That was cute Courtney, I too love Seamus :)

I liked how it showed life beyond Hogwarts for him and Dean which was easier to connect back to how they would've got to that stage from school. Seamus being a bartender was great after his fondness for trying to make his own alcohol with magic. And referring to him and the past explosions, classic. I would've loved it though if you went into Ava's background more, as to how they met or what she was like at school, or what she did before her job at the ministry, or even how they met. I think her character could've been developed a lot more to try and build her up and make us as readers understand more why Seamus wanted to marry her, and how they fell in love.

I can't say I liked the gangster inclusion in this, it kinda stuck out like a sore thumb to me, but aside from that, I think it was well written and entertaining. I could feel Seamus' awkwardness. I was expecting the other patrons of the cafe to have clapped or been involved in the ending after him shouting his proposal and obviously being aware of the situation. That aspect of it kind of went quiet and was incomplete.

I think it was cute enough, not a cheeseball, but I would've liked it if Ava's character and their history together was explained a little more, as they're about to spend the rest of their lives together... Nice work :)

Author's Response: Hehehe, yep, this is definitely the fluffiest thing I have ever written!

Thanks for the lovely review!
Courtney:)


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Review #20, by Bobby DazzlerHaunted: Gone

7th November 2012:
Hi Rosie, here for the BvB :)

I enjoyed this one, and more to the point, I like how you killed Harry off. In Ginny's monologue I wasn't expecting it because as you said in your AN, you WERE canon for most of it and then BAM, surprise. I quite enjoyed that actually. Never liked the name Albus Severus, glad someone ended that before that started lol... :)

There was one point of repetition which I just noticed of "I remember it like it was only yesterday", which given it was said not long beforehand just kind of stood out as a repeat. That would be my suggestion as to rewording the second one perhaps just to make it a little different? And I know the astricks thing is to notify people of the book canon taking place, but with such a memorable line by Molly Weasley I doubt anyone would ever forget it, and if you highlight the fact as you've done in the AN that it is a canon quote, I'd remove the astricks as they do distract a tiny bit.

Aside from that, it was a beautiful read. The angst and pain Ginny felt resonated beautifully on the page, it was a Harry/Ginny romance with a twist and I did enjoy the surprise ending. I felt that made it a lot more enjoyable than if you were to follow the darker theme and have him survive, it just wouldn't have made sense. Beautiful description and imagery portrayed here too, very enjoyable! :)

The bittersweet ending was a nice touch too, a little bit of a tip of the hat back towards canon, as if they would always be together. I liked it. Very enjoyable story Rosie, nice work! Bobby :)

Author's Response: Hi! It's fine that you reviewed this story instead of my other one, btw. :)

I'm glad you enjoyed this! Personally, I've always thought the ending in DH would have been more dramatic if Harry died. Oh yes, and before Albus Severus, too...haha. :P

I've never thought about the astricks...I'll look into that an maybe edit them out. :)

I'm so happy I managed to show Ginny's angst in this! And that you didn't think killing Harry was a bit wierd/confusing. (I don't really want to think he died though...this was just an experiment.)

Thanks so much for the lovely review! :D

~Rosie


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Review #21, by Bobby DazzlerHer Dark Wings: Her Dark Wings

10th November 2011:
Wow, what an incredibly intense read! Adding to favourites right now!

I loved how right from the start you captured my interests with this peice - it was different and striking, I didn't know what to think at first and it made me second guess the ending, though I did have a feeling it would end up having Rose dead.

I loved the extensive use of imagery and metaphors throughout this, it was really incredible reading and so engaging. Lily's fight to be seen in then limelight but always standing in her older cousins shadow, never able to outdo her and the resentment she must have felt towards all of Rose's accomplishments and conquests. I totally understand that, and could relate to her feelings in regards to her growing resentment and hatred towards her cousin as they got older and eventually she reached breaking point where she realised nothing she could do by being good would make her be seen by those around her, and the only option left was to destroy the person standing in her way and take/destroy all the things she loved. Never actually showing us directly, but conveying it through beautiful imagery regarding dance and swans, which are such a beautiful creature, really came across lovely on the page.

Obviously, you could see the references to Swan Lake, and I could see Black Swan too, and for some reason Cinderella too - Dunno why, but it's in my head as one that I could see inspiration taken from. However, with all that in mind, it didn't take away from the stunning read that this was.

Enjoyed it very much, well done! :)

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Review #22, by Bobby DazzlerThe Meaning of Lonely: The Meaning of Lonely

9th November 2011:
Howdy, leaving another review for the blue/bronze battle!

This is just a general observation and in no way a reflection on your story, but I'm surprised it got validated - there's a lot of poem in this which I think you're only permitted like 3 lines of a poem or quoted text or something to that effect, as stated in the ToS. How did you get it approved???

In regards to the formating, just a quick note, there is a lot of unnecessary blank lines between the text blocks. I'd suggest revisiting that just so your story reads easier without as much scrolling, because as it is it looks abit messy and is slightly distracting.

I love Luna, I think you did a nice job capturing her inner demons and the fact she's alone and misses her dad, that was sweet and sad. I understand that it's a glimpse into her mindset and not as much description is required I suppose, but it does rely heavily on the poem to move forward which is slightly unfortunate. I would've liked a bit more depth to support the story on its own, rather than based on the influence of a poem, but it was still enjoyable. :)

Author's Response: Thanks for your feedback! In this challenge, the point of the story was to have the poem as the main focus of the story, describing how the poem relates to the character, if that makes sense, or that's how I interpreted it anyway, and I quite like it this way! I'm going to do something about the formatting though, people keep saying about that. As for the validating, nothing seemed to come up about the number of lines, I don't know how that worked!

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Review #23, by Bobby DazzlerNever Mix Drinking and Apparating: Learning the Hard Way

7th November 2011:
Howdy hun, thought I'd stop by and return the favour for the BvB battle :)

Took me a little while to understand this one, but when I realised it was written for the Halloween comp, I assumed those people were staffers or characterisations of staffers and it made a bit more sense lol.

I think you need the bold part to make the rest of it make sense, so dont remove it... Maybe remove the "bold" part and make it normal text, but dont actually remove the section itself lol.

There were a few minor spelling mistakes here but I will get out the ruler and wrap you over the knuckles on one little thing... *crack*... it's a lazy way of writing description. I'm sure you know this too, I'd strongly suggest editing that section and remove the *crack* and write it as a part of a description, rather than opting for the lazy way of writing description...

I thought it was quirky, loved that Draco got jealous of Harry only to realise that, in the world of HPFF, he's probably the more popular one lol. and Slughorn, whilst his slurring was sometimes a bit hard to understand, was a treasure. Only advice I could give is maybe a quick beta read to fix up the spelling mistakes, and please fix up the *crack* :S; adding more descripting to encorporate the five senses a bit more (sight, smell, sound, taste and touch) is up to you though.

Cute and quirky, made me smile :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I will fix that *crack* and un-bold that section soon! Ah! Don't hurt me with that ruler! I barely got my story under the 1,000 word limit! Yes, I suppose I should fill the story out more, now though, so I shouldn't be using that excuse anymore :P

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Review #24, by Bobby DazzlerCrystallized: Rose & Dom & Teddy

6th November 2011:
Howdy, leaving a review for team bronze! :)

Gunna say in advance, I wish to god I hadn't read this with such a bad migraine cuz it was really distracting me from the words and it took me a while to actually click onto the plot behind the scene unfolding. I feel like a moron for that, boo migraine :(

I enjoyed this little snuff peice lol. Bad terminology, I'm sorry. Brain fried.

You had a very nice use of description throughout this and whilst second person narrative is not my favourite, you did a very nice job maintaining it throughout the story, so well done. I liked how you captured a lot of description and put very vivid and clear images in my mind, particularly the falling to her knees in the esence of his life (blood), that was good.

One thing I will remark on is that the only way we know it is the characters you've listed in the chapter summary is because of the chapter summary... :S Without names etc, you do add the mystery but I think given it's in second person too, it makes it a little more open to interpretation, rather than "yes, it's those three" in the readers mind. I could have envisioned it being any other character due to the lack of information regarding the characters identity beyond the chapter title, for example the era or a nod to a characters lineage etc. If it's just I missed it due to the migraine, ignore that and I give you permission to whack me about the head with a fish.

I did enjoy this peice though, looking forward to reading more of your stuff which I'm sure I will throughout the BvB battle :) Have a good one!

Author's Response: Hello! Sorry it has taken me FOREVER to respond to this!!

I imagine that, as confusing as this story already is, it would have been slightly boggling with a migraine. I can't believe you were even in a state at all to read fanfic, hehe, when I get migraines I'm sick in bed all day. That's quite impressive dedication ;)

Also, don't be hard on yourself because this piece is confusing! This was my first real go with second-person, though it did come pretty natural. Someone running away from the law for murder would tend to identify with their outside world if they couldn't retreat within themselves. The moment Rose does it becomes overwhelming and she becomes a little crazy.

I know the piece isn't exactly character specific. That's something I've been working on with my writing. I did talk about red hair and teddy being a metamorph/werewolf but it was verrry subtle so there will be no fish-smacking from me :P

Thanks so much for the review, I appreciate it, and though it's months and months later I hope that you did manage to feel better soon :)


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Review #25, by Bobby DazzlerThe Only Way to Breathe: The Only Way to Breathe

4th November 2011:
Howdy there fellow 'Claw! :D Just stopping by to leave a review for you for the Bronze and Blue battle :)

I can tell that this would probably be some of your older work, as I'm sure I have read some of your more recent stuff and the language and style of your writing is different to this story.

I did get a little confused at time between the jumps to the past and present tense, it's not a writing technique I'm very fond of as it sometimes can get mixed up and put in different areas when you didn't mean to use it. I just think it leads to confusion personally, but I could still see what you were going for regardless; you were reflecting his time at school and his time in Azkaban, and then in Grimmauld Place (I'm assuming??)

As a reader, I do prefer a bit more description of the "here and now", as in settings, smells etc, just to really engrose me within the story itself. You did a bang up job on his emotions and memories, but a little more depth in regards to describing some places/events etc in his life/memories would've been nice. I always like to think of fanfic, as bizzare as this is gunna sound, as an entirely new work of fiction and assume that the reader knows nothing of the canon world of HP and you have to build it up from scratch again. Lets face it, everyone picks up various things within the books and overlooks some minor details regarding others, and some people may have read them a million times and others just the once. I always keep that in mind when I write something, cuz while I definitely stick to canon, I always remind my readers about events taking place in my story which are true in the JKR universe, just in case I picked up on something they didn't. Please dont think of this as me bashing on your story though, it's just a useful tip I wanted to point out cuz there were some instances within this story where a less obsessed HP fanatic reader might get lost in if they were to read this one shot, because to them they might have a harder time relating some instances back to canon.

I thought you captured the romance nicely, though it would've been nice to understand how they got together etc as well :) I enjoyed it though, well done :)

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