Wow, really good start! It's a new idea I've never come across before to have Harry feeling the effects of Voldemort's possession, and you write it really well. The description of St Mungos at the start is absolutely excellent.
The grammar and flow were very good, which made it very enjoyable, but I did spot two slight errors;
- "St. Mungos was quite today" (quite should be quiet)
- "but that was the extend of their knowledge" (extend should be extent)
But these are very tiny things (sorry, I'm very picky LOL) that do not distract from the overall enjoyment of the story. Though the chapter was a bit short (appropriately so, though; any longer and it may have dragged) I really enjoyed reading this and can't wait to find out what happens next. Great work - keep it up! :-)
P. S. Thanks for the review on War is Over, and I hope that you keep reading :-DAuthor's Response: Hey thanks a bunch! Glad you like it so far! And I've really been liking War is Over so far, too! Report Review
Very nice work! I've never seen a story type set around this time in the Weasley's lives and it's nice to see Gideon alive and well. It's very sweetly written, with funny moments and sensitive ones.
The grammar was mainly very good; the only thing I spotted was that when someone is talking, then you say "said so-and-so", etc, you don't need a capital letter - for example;
- "coming home?" Squeaked Percy" (no capital S on squeaked)
- "Is that the baby?" They cried." (no capital T on they)
Aside from this very small thing (sorry for being so picky LOL) it was very good, I look forward to reading the next chapter! Keep up the great work ;-)
P.S. Reading the story summary, it also seems a very clever way to link the stories, by interview, so well done on that! Report Review
Nice work! I like how you've introduced the Lovegoods into Ginny's life and the nightwalkers part was funny. Also good work on the "Ginny-trying-to-get-to-Hogwarts" thing, it's just the sort of thing a young Ginny would do. It's also good how she's matured since the last chapter. The sellotape part was funny too ;-)
One thing I did notice though was that the grammar in this chapter wasn't perfect, and there were a few storyline errors; I picked out a few mistakes;
- "daily prophet" (need capitals for Daily Prophet)
- "sure that no one is the" (the should be there)
- "as if the small but heavy are feathers" (you've missed out a word between heavy and are so it doesn't make sense)
- "dormitories-I can't remember" (not just here, but all through the chapter, you need spaces between words and the -)
- Why would she think the room is Gryffindor if it is all blue? (blue is Ravenclaw's colour)
- "she lives two streets away" (neither the Weasleys or the Lovegoods live in a street, thier houses are on their own; they are a few miles apart)
- Luna asks for the Weasley's address, but you usually don't need an address for wizard post, you just tell the owl who to send it to (though this doesn't seem to stop Hogwarts addressing their letters very accurately LOL)
- In her letter, Luna asks for Ginny's surname, but she hears it multiple times when they find Ginny (Ginny tells her, Luna herself says to her Dad to send a Patronus to the Weasleys and her dad tells her that she's a Weasley) so she already knows it.
- Your sentences tend to be very long; it gives the impression the person is talking very long without pausing which is distracting; maybe try to add more punctuation (knstead of she did this and this and this and this... etc)
Sorry for the criticism, I'm very picky but I just try and offer constructive criticism to help people improve. Sorry.
I still thought it was very good, and I am quite enjoying this story. I can't wait until she meets Harry for the first time LOL! Please update soon.Author's Response: Thanks again! She was questioning why the room was blue because she knew that is belonged to ravenclaw and I'm sorry if I didn't make it clearer :) I'm still trying to work out the next chapter, I'm looking for a beta to sort of do what you just did. No response yet but I'm living in hope. I don't mind you being picky, that list was a lot shorter than I expected it to be really! I'm glad you're enjoying the story because I'm really having fun writing it. No doubt there will be mistakes in this reply, I type too fast for my brain and think too fast for my fingers to keep up!
Thank you for the review and I too can't wait for the next chapter!
LpF123 x Report Review
A strong second chapter! I write things well and the characters are well introduced. It's also interesting that you've shaken up the Hogwarts staff a bit (I presume McGonagall has retired?).
However, the plot is very similar to the first HP book (get on the train, meet people, meet Malfoy, Hagrid and the Boats, the sorting and the house ghost) so maybe try and make it a bit more original. I spotted one grammar thing;
- "and nearly spit out his food" (spit should be spat as it's in the past tense)
On the whole, though, more good writing. The cliffhanger was interesting... please update soon!Author's Response: Thanks! Yep McGonagall is retired and more changes will be made in later chapters.
As for the plot, it will definitely get more interesting with the main point of the story coming in chapter 3. Report Review
Another great chapter! You are developing their relationship well; not too fast, but with still enough pace to make a good story. Though not usually a Dramione fan, I do like stories that slowly develop Draco into not such a bad person, and this one does that very well.
On the whole, another great chapter; please update soon!!! :-)Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'm glad you think so! It's funny, I'm not normally a Dramione fan either, but the massive fandom for it intrigued me so I decided to give it a go! Anyway, I'm glad you're liking it and the update should be up soon! Report Review
Wow - great plot twist. You take big issues and deal with them well in this chapter.
However, there are still the grammar issues, as in the last chapter. The spelling is off a bit more in this one than the last, though the other mistakes are slightly less. You need to use more capital letters, spaces and punctuation.
I'm not sure Ginny would smile after Andromeda has just been mrudered, but overall it was a good plot twist showing that the war sadly isn't quite over yet. Though why it happened was a little confusing; will that be explained in the next chapter?
I'm pleased at the end that you had Ginny just say "no, don't" as stories that make them do that so early on I am not so keen on. So I'm glad you kept their relationship going at a slow, steady pace comfortable for everyone ;-)
Overall, a good chapter, with a lot of things happening plot-wise (though you could explain the murder a bit more). You still need to sort out the grammar, though.Author's Response: thanks and she smiles cuz of how harry so protective and already showing himself as a good godfather. and with the end i made her say first reason i didnt feel like writeing that at the time and i find it adds tension in later chapters. yes things start to make sense in the chapter i literally just saved it said validation should take 2-3 days. im glad u like my story thanks so much :) Report Review
Great start! The whole thing is very sweet, especially when Mrs Weasley reveals she knows. It has a bit of everything; humour, romance, story (Hermione going to Australia, etc), so well done!
One tiny thing; the grammar is mostly good, but at one point halfway through you slip out of tense. You go from talking in the past to "when Ginny sees him now she tries to flatten it herself, but it does not work so she steals a kiss before they get all the way down the stairs". I know this is as you are talking about what reguarly happens but it sounds a bit odd amoung all the past tense stuff.
Aside from that, though, a very strong start, I look forward to seeing where the story will be taken next! The only other thing would be maybe try to go into a bit more detail (e.g. with Hermione's parents). I know it's a romance fic but possibly you could mention a bit of what they are actually saying.
Overall, a great start, please update soon! :-) Report Review
Bananas look like phones! (apparently LOL)
Nice work, you wrote it quite well, though it was very short. The grammar is mostly good and you portrayed well how family life is not always as easy as it seems. Poor Ginny!
I spotted one grammar thing; "I don't know Harry, there..." (there should be they're)
But besides that, the grammar was good too (though between the words "Christmas break next" and "year" for some reason there is a new line.
On the whole, good first chapter. To improve, maybe you could make it a bit more exciting, or not rush so quickly through things? Good work, and please keep writing!Author's Response: thanks 4 reading! Report Review
Great work! I love how sassy Candela is and how she is able to brush aside the Slytherin's insults as easy as a person swatting away an annoying fly. It's good how she takes everything in her stride and the story is an idea I've never seen before.
It is really compelling to read, as well as being funny and witty at the same time. Really nice job ;-) One or two grammar/continuity things I did spot were;
- "said Luna with a sign" (sign should be sigh)
- Why would the sorting be taking place on the third day of term? (you say she has been there for two days already)
- "professor McGroudle" (I presume this is supposed to be McGonagall?)
- "Blaise Zambini" (Zambini should be Zabini)
- One minute Candela seems to be going to spend time with Luna, then she's suddenly on her way to Slytherin tower
- I'm not sure how you get into the Slytherin common room, but it's less likely to be a riddle (that's Ravenclaw)
- "You know Luna and her father..." (You forget to put speech marks at the beginning)
-I'm not sure how Liberty would get into the common room; it has no windows as it is in the dungeons
But these are very small things; I'm just very picky LOL Loved the part at the end where you reveal the howler was speaking Spanish; hilarious! Overall, I've loved it so far, really good writing; please update soon!Author's Response: you made me laugh and i really needed the laugh, so thank you foe that.
-I was rushing when i was writing this beacuse the idea just poped in my head i just kept going and going!
-i know that i made a bunch of mistakes(believe me i'm picky too), but like i said i was rushing, and apperently miscrosft didn't bother to help me with some of those.
-i know i was pretending the door was open, but i forgot top write that down, sorry.
also there was more on covering how much time she spent with Luna, but i think i erased that accidently when i was pasting it.
-oh, and i forgot that you bully the bloody baron to get in at least that what i'll make it whoops.
-Name corrections i will make.
thank you for reading it. i will write soon. i actually already have the next four chapters finished, but i will update it here on the site tomorrow since they just approved this one today, and it takes about a week for it to be approved. Report Review
LOL Great story. If written differently this story could have made no sense at all, but thanks to your detailed writing style it all works and flows well, making perfect sense. (until the rather rushed ending... but it was funny LOL :-P)
You write from Ron's POV really well; not many stories are written from this POV so well done for taking on the challenge. It's really good for your first fanfic and the ending is very funny, though not serious :-P You portray, though breifly, Bellatrix's mad taunting ("they all fall down!") well too.
One or two small things; I know this was a tongue-in-cheek fic, but I'm still not quite sure when it's set. Also, why the whole school would be going on a Muggle studies ("Muggle" needs a capital "M", remember) trip as most of them don't take it I don't know. Finally Ron sounded like he'd seen the planes when he was describing them as giant Hippogriffs, but they hadn't seen them yet... but these are tiny, irrelevant things, I'm just being fussy LOL. It's a tribute to how well you write it that it still makes sense despite these things, well done.
Overall, great work on your first fanfic. I can see you got a bit nervous about people not liking it, but my advice would be: don't worry about what other people think. If people like it, then great (I thought it was a brilliant piece of comic relief :-P) but if not, don't get yourself down about it. On the whole, a great fic, and I look forward to reading more stories from your pen! (well, keyboard LOL :-P)Author's Response: First of all thank you! I love to know that somebody read it!
About the things that were wrong, I realized all of these in the days when I was waiting for it to be validated and many more. I checked it once before I sent it in but obviously it was not enough!
I'm actually a little surprised you didn't notice the mistake I made with Luna! I didn't even remember that she was not in Gryffindor, and a year younger than I told her to be. I caught this mistake and felt very sad, Luna is one of my favorites! Anyway, about the Muggle thing, I had actually asked my friend and she said that it was lower case so I went with it.. oh well.
I tried very hard to have it make sense because it was so odd.. that being said I was very proud of how it turned out considering I wrote it in one day.
I am so glad that you enjoyed it, and many thanks for the review!
-georgesbetch Report Review
Great work again! I just love the way you portray Harry and Ginny; it's so natural without seeming forced or too fluffy.
Nice work all through, but especially on Molly's knowingness and Harry and Ginny's playfight by the lake. Overall, another great chapter!
The grammar was still good, though maybe you need to use more commas to seperate longer sentences. I also spotted one or two errors;
- "something quite rare occurred, Ginny was wide awake" (not an error as such, but it would make more sense if the comma was a semi-colon)
- "I did say thatHarry was due midday" (need a space between "that" and "Harry")
- "Her plans for the day crumbling she drew nearer" (This doesn't make sense as a sentence on it's own; either add a "were" after "her plans for the day" or add it to the end of the last sentence)
Sorry for being so picky, these are only very minor, un-noticable things. On the whole, the story so far is brilliant (you've even inlcuded some Ron/Hermione before their characters even arrive; well done on keeping the story's focus varied :-D). Please please update soon! :-) Report Review
A charmingly written little one-shot. I love pieces like this; they're pure gold, and are so sweet, and don't take things too far :-)
Beautifully written, despite its brevity, and I really liked how you showed another side of Ginny, and that Harry was just being there for her; not going any further, just being there, letting her make the move then leaving it at that (rather than forcing himself on her).
I'm a big Harry/Ginny shipper and love stuff like this, so great work! Please keep writing stories, you are such a great writer and your work is always something to be enjoyed! :-) Report Review
Excellent start! I really enjoyed reading it and you write things from Ginny's POV really well; her thoughts, relationships and good ol' Mrs Weasley's motherly intuition! (Or something like that LOL)
The story flowed really well, and the fabulous description in the opening paragraph took my breath away. I am really looking forward to where this story is going! One small thing; can I clear up when exactly this is set? I know it's sometime during Hogwarts; before (Harry's) 7th year and after Ginny's 1st (probably not at the start of HBP as Harry would be greiving for Sirius). So... I'm guessing Ginny's 3rd or 4th year? I'd probably say 4th, as she seems very mature (so OOTP?)
Sorry for being fussy about that LOL, I appreciate you may not want to set it in canon, I'd just prefer to know what year they were in ;-) The grammar was almost perfect aside for one thing;
- "to wake you brothers would you be a dear" ("you" should be "your", and you need a comma after "brothers")
Aside from that, a perfect start to a piece of writing I have a feeling I am going to enjoy very much! Great writing! Report Review
Not bad at all; nice presentation and explanation of the whole family at the end ;-)
However, there are still some issues; everything is very rushed and doesn't take time to set a scene; when Charie arrives at the Burrow, you just write "After about 1 minute Daddy Charlie arrived", rather than giving any explanation or detail into what happened. (e.g. were there awkward looks? Hugs?) Try to imagine you are in the character's shoes; how would you feel to have a strange crowd of people around you who were supposed to be your new family?
We also haven't seen Charie get aquainted with "Daddy Charlie"; does she even know him, or like him? I think she'd want to know someone she just found out is her father. And why did her parents insist on telling Charlie that he was her father now, yet didn't want to let her go? It doesn't make sense; why does she have to go so quickly?
Sorry for being critical, it is not meant to be harsh but as constructive criticism to help you improve. The grammar issues are still there, though considerably less so than last chapter. One stand-out example would be: "her tone sudden sadden because"; it doesn't make any sense. (it should say "suddenly saddened") I appreciate that English may not be your first language or something similar, but I suggest you maybe get someone to proof-read it?
All the same, you portray Charie's heartfelt goodbyes, the floo powder journey and shyness at her new family very well. You just need to think about making it feel more real, and taking time to add smaller detail rather than racing through the story. Again, I'm not trying to put you down; just to build up your writing skills :-)Author's Response: Thanks a lot. I made this fic when I was in my first year in high school and I'm not really that fluent in speaking or writing using the english language but I'll try to improve so that everyone can understand my story much better.
Btw, tnx for the comment! =) Report Review
Not bad ;-) I'm looking forward to reading more about Charliene and how she fits in to the Weasley family. The story has an air of mystery about it, which is good. I like the part with the hidden brithday cake, well done ;-)
However, there are several things you could do to improve. Your grammar and English needs improvement, though you're spelling was good, I couldn't find any mistakes there. But you keep switching tenses from past to present to future. For example;
"Mom was talking to Jethro and dad when something strange happens" ("was" is past tense, but "happens" is in the present - happening now) Another example is "I almost faint with what she said" ("faint" is present and "said" is past)
It's a mistake you make frequently and it distracts from the flow of the story. Also, the plot is slightly cliche (it's nothing new) so maybe you could try and make it a bit more original?
All the same, except for the grammar, this is quite a good start. I will read on to the next chapter. And finally, thanks for adding to to your favourite authors, it's much appreciated :-)Author's Response: Thanks for reading! I really am longing for someone to comment on my work. I find it pretty hard to improve if no one notices my work(just kidding). I'll try to make the story better and add more twist on it. Report Review
Wow - poor Harry. Once again you have written it very well and stayed true to how JK might have done it, so well done! Your writing is always enjoyable to read and you get to grips with all of the characters really well.
You've perfectly captured the stubborn, isolation-longing Harry after Sirius has just died, and though the reader thinks "stop being an idiot, Harry, it's not your fault!", this is exactly what JK made people feel in OOTP and HBP. Great work!
One small thing is I'm not so sure that Vernon would hit Harry, just as he would be too scared Harry would write to the Order. I like how you've got Petunia not quite being nice, but maybe showing flashes of consideration and concern before returning to her normal self (I've never thought she's all bad, personally). Overall, a great chapter, please update soon! :-)Author's Response: I'm glad you're continuing to enjoy the story. I don't like the part where Vernon hits Harry, but I think it was more a flash of temper than a deliberate decision, and we have known Vernon to be physical before. I think there is more to Petunia than meets the eye!
Harry's going to be put through some paces in the coming chapters that are a bit darker than what JKR has been known to do, but bear with me. Remember, what doesn't kill you... :) Update is coming soon, tonight or tomorrow! Report Review
A very good first chapter! I was really impressed with how you wrote it and generally just how it flowed so well. You write the Marauders really well, and it's nice to see them acting more mature than before.
On the whole it works very well, though I'm not sure Slughorn would say James has the talent to become a great wizard just because he made a good potion with Lily helping him. Still, it was very good, I liked the part with the paper knights' swordfight ;-) Great work, I look forward to reading the next chapter!Author's Response: Oh, thank you very much! You're so kind.
I hope to update soon so please keep reading! :D Report Review
Well-written start to an intruging storyline! There's no magic involved yet, but I'm still captivated by the story; it would be interesting to learn more about their past, as a lot seems to have gone on.
I came into this story without having read the summary (sorry LOL I clicked on random story) but I still felt like it explained things quite well... I didn't know who the two characters were until their names were called out, which gave it an air of slight mystery.
The sun-lotion scene had a hint of humour, too; on the whole, well done! Please update soon ;-) Report Review
Nice work! A very sweet version of events after the battle well-written from both POVs. Not that much actually happens, but that doesn't matter as you manage to make the character interactions (e.g with Ron, Hermione and Luna) work just as well as action.
The grammar was almost perfect, but I did spot a few things;
- "As I stand beside in the Great Hall" (stand beside what?)
- "being in love, "he added distractedly" (the speech marks are in the wrong place; they should be after the comma, not before "he")
But despite these minor things, it works pretty well. Nice job ;-) The Ron and Hermione part is quite funny and sweet, and there's some good humour as well. Well done! Report Review
Interesting start! Adding a "girl who lived" as well as Harry is definately a new idea, and makes the story different from any other. I can see this will be a very different twist on the "after-the-battle" scenario.
You've done a good job explaining how Rosabella fits in to the normal Harry Potter story, and where she is in the family tree, so well done on that. I'm really not too keen on the way the chapter ends though; I always think that they wouldn't be doing that straight after the battle where everyone had just died (though usually it's about Harry and Ginny, not him and Rosa). But that's just my opinion.
You write well and the grammar is mostly good, though I spotted one small error;
- "The artifacts of my past" (artifacts should be artefacts)
Besides that, it flows very well, and I'm looking forward to seeing where the story goes next! The summary certainly looks like there's a lot of excitement to come ;-)Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! :) Yeah, I wasn't too sure about that myself. Oops, I'll have to change that - thanks for spotting it. :P The chapter might be up soon, but my internet's playing tricks on me so I rarely get enough time to go on to this. I'll try my best, though :) Thank you! :D Report Review
LOL! Very funny, nice work :-) A very funny alternate way for Harry to have got his scar, and I loved the ending bit with James! :-D
The only thing I have to say is that the grammar is not perfect; you tend to put talking ("hi", etc) and actions ("Harry rolled his eyes", etc) of the same person on the same line without any commas or full stops to seperate them (if that makes any sense LOL sorry) Also I spotted;
- "there was no VODEMORT ever" (Well, you're right... because there never was a Vodemort, his name is Voldemort with an "L" LOL ;-P)
- "fait full day" (fait full should be fateful)
- "lightening blot shape" (blot should be bolt)
All the same, very funny with some very original ideas... lovin' the French Hermione LOL. Though maybe you could inlcude a bit more of Ron and Ginny rather than just Harry and Hermione. You just need to clean up the grammar and it will be even better. Nice job ;-)Author's Response: thanks, yeah the Voldemort thing its was typing in capitals (i was so excited)
and it will make an effort to change the mistakes, thanks for your thoughts its good to see that someone can see that it is trying to be funny and thanks again. Report Review
Great work! It's a shame it hasn't been updated; I think you write the grandness and attitude of Tom Riddle Sr. very well and the susupense building at the end was excellent. You are a very good writer, and I can see how Tom, though not evil, is definately not a good man... I like the way you describe things well without rambling on for too long.
I'm wondering is Eleanor's illness is magically caused... but a great imagining of what happened that day, as if it came from the pen of JK herself. Even if it only stays as a one-shot, great work! Report Review
Fantastic start! You set the tone to the story immediately, your writing flows well and is full of description, and I'm longing for the next chapter already! Good work ;-)
I personally don't really care for Dramione (I'm a canon-couples shipper LOL), but I can see (whatever happens) that if that happens here, you will write it realistically and not just her and Ron breaking apart easily.
It'll be interesting to see how it works out with all of the trio going back, not just Hermione (as many stories that follow JK's suggestions do). Also, I just thought, they'll be in the same year as Ginny, which could be interesting.
There are one or two barely-noticable grammar mistakes (you twice use "to" rather than "too" early on) but that doesn't really matter; the story still flows perfectly. You've showed how they've all matured and moved on (poor George) well and glossed over most "but what about..."s well (e.g. the press), so good work on that.
Overall, really good start, I look forward to reading more! Please update soon :-)Author's Response: Thank you.
I'm always messing up the "to" vs the "too" but I'm working on it. Report Review
Wow - that's deep. In a good way ;-)
A very thought-provoking, detailed piece of writing. It is rich in detail, making up for it's lack of length, and though much of it is very sad, the end offers hope as we know Harry will soon arrive, then the train to take Dumbledore onwards to a happier place where he can see his family again.
The beginning is very similar to Harry's "death", but it branches out to become reflection time for Albus, and eventually a sense of being ready to move on, which he wasn't when he arrived. Nice work.Author's Response: Hi,
Thanks for reviewing!
I really wanted to capture something unique with this piece and I'm not entirely sure what possessed me to do that, but I felt Dumbledore's "death" scene fit well with the quotes for the challenge and you picked up that it was similar to Harry's, I used it as an inspiration for this piece. I didn't really want to write a sad depressing piece so I'm glad the hopeful tones really showed through at the end :)
Thanks once again,
- Ashlee Report Review
Nice work ;-) Very sad, and a fascinating insight into a Dumbledore before he was the caring old man we all know and love... blaming Arianna for the loss of his own life... tragic but selfish, this changed his world... really groundbreaing stuff. Great job on showing this.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad to hear that you liked this one-shot. Groundbreaking, wow! I never would have thought of it in that way - it was a spontaneous story, out of nowhere, and I never expected people to like it as much as they do. It was great to further explore Dumbledore's character, and I'd like to continue doing so in the future. :D Report Review
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