Reading Reviews From Member: maskedmuggle
  
1,163 Reviews Found

Review #1, by maskedmuggleThe start of something...waif like: Chapter 1

17th April 2014:
Hey!

Aw, this was a short but sweet fic! I really liked the plot here. You've used so few words, but said so much with them. I got such a good sense of Harry's background and the context of where this was taking place. I felt so sad hearing about Ginny's wedding to Dean Thomas, and I really got a sense of Harry's isolation, particularly with Hermione/Ron's absence. I thought him stumbling into Luna was a really nice coincidence, and I particularly liked how you characterised Luna so realistically. I can just imagine Luna hunting some other oddball creature, and I really loved her bemusement and the line "you have merely stated something; you have done nothing to substantiate it!" because I can so imagine Luna saying something like that! To be honest, it seemed a bit abrupt that Harry would straightaway declare his feelings for her and then go and kiss her, but the spontaneity did make this fic very fluffy and enjoyable to read. Nice job writing this! :)

- Charlotte
(for the Huffleclaw-Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza)

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Review #2, by maskedmuggleSabotage: The Three Broomsticks

17th April 2014:
Hey!

Ah, this was such a lovely fic to read! I just finished reading Kayla's version of this story, and I really loved how well the two stories connected! I'm really impressed by how well the scenarios match, particularly with the dialogue (which is written really well by the way) - I felt like everything just flowed so well and smoothly. It was so interesting reading about the moment from Lily's perspective, and I felt like you really did her justice in her characterisation. I found it really realistic that Lily would be so aware of all of James' habits and really know him and read him so well. I also loved how Lily was so considerate - going to the Three Broomsticks despite it not really being her cup of tea, and also not teasing James after the spilt drink. All in all, I really enjoyed reading this, and I think you did a lovely job writing it! :)

- Charlotte
(for the Huffleclaw-Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza)

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Review #3, by maskedmuggle'Favours': 'Favours'

17th April 2014:
Hey Kayla!

Aw, I really enjoyed reading this fic! I loved the plot -- about how the Marauders made a deal with James where he'd just keep looking stupid until he asked the question. I wasn't sure how the Marauders would manage to do that, but I loved all the creative ideas - the drink spilling over and James running after the snitch! I also particularly liked how Lily could tell something was wrong with James/sense his nervousness, and how she was also aware that the Marauders were there bothering James. It just felt like such a realistic portrayal/characterisation of Lily because I do feel like she's a very observant person!

I loved how sweet James/Lily was here, particularly when James finally asked the question. I also really liked how you characterised the Marauders at the beginning - I feel like it's always so important to make sure you portray the camaraderie that the boys have and I felt like you did that really well! All in all, I just really liked this fic - I thought you did a really great job in writing it!

- Charlotte
(for the Huffleclaw-Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza)

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Review #4, by maskedmuggleRed Silk: The Wedding

17th April 2014:
Hey!

Aw, this was a really nice way to finish off the story! I loved how here the portrayal of Parvati/Padma's relationship seemed a lot closer than it was in the first chapter -- I feel like siblings have their good moments and their lousy moments, and when Parvati pointed out Padma/Gautum, I thought that was a really sweet moment. I also forgot to comment before in the first chapter about how I really like the Parvati/Seamus pairing you've used here. It's definitely really unique and a pairing I don't think I've ever read before!

I loved how beautiful the wedding was, and I think you did a really great job writing this fic - particularly the ending. The ending felt so perfect -- you could really sense Padma's hesitation but also how intimate and genuine that moment felt. Really lovely fic, and I enjoyed reading it!

- Charlotte
(for the Huffleclaw-Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza)

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Review #5, by maskedmuggleRed Silk: A Failed Chai Exchange

17th April 2014:
Hey!

Ooh I really enjoyed reading this first chapter/part! I loved how this story focuses on Padma Patil (and a bit on Parvati Patil), because I've never read a story about her, and she's such a minor character with so much space to explore. I really liked how you characterised her here - it was actually a bit surprising seeing her feeling so down on herself at times, but I can also understand how Padma is the person that she is, and the reasons why she feels that way about herself. I feel a bit sorry for Padma, especially with the way everyone else seems to treat her, and particularly her mother. I also find that Gautum is a really interesting character, and I'm so curious to see how he and Padma will turn out!

I also thought the plot was really interesting. I particularly loved how strong you portrayed their cultural background in this story, because I think their culture would definitely be really important to them on such an important occasion. So I definitely found this chapter really unique, and I thought you did a brilliant job writing it! Really curious to read the second chapter now!

- Charlotte
(for the Huffleclaw-Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza)

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Review #6, by maskedmuggleMurphy's Law: Reality

17th April 2014:
Hey!

I'm so glad I finally got a chance to read this, because I love the idea of Yhprum's Law and Murphy's Law. Having just read Singularity's piece, I really love how your piece works as such a fantastic companion/sequel. I loved how the two pieces were very similar in plot line, but also completely different.. if that makes sense!

I was hoping the date wouldn't be completely disastrous as I've got a soft spot for James/Lily and wouldn't really like to see a date where Lily storms off angrily vowing to never again date James.. so I really enjoyed the plot you had here. I liked how they ran into all sorts of problems, but everything still kinda managed to work out in the end! The kiss at the end was so sweet, and I just went awww.

I really loved how you characterised both James and Lily here! I particularly loved Lily at the beginning - I can so imagine her telling James he's late :P And I also liked that bit where she commented about James' habit of touching his hair - it just felt very realistic that Lily would be so observant about things. All in all, I really liked your fic - it was written really well!

- Charlotte
(for the Huffleclaw-Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza)

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Review #7, by maskedmuggleYhprum's Law: Expectation

17th April 2014:
Hey!

I've been meaning to read this for quite some time, and I'm really glad I finally did! First of all, I love the concept of Yhprum's Law (and Murphy's Law), and I think you did such an awesome job portraying your side of how everything could work so perfectly for James/Lily!

I really liked how cute and fluffy it was from the start, and it was just so romantic all the way! I thought the pastry thing was a nice touch in the plot - something a bit different from typical lunch dates! The snow globe, and the carriage at the end was also so adorably sweet. I loved how much of a gentleman James seemed to be!

Whilst I was reading it, I felt a bit doubtful about Lily's portrayal - her giggling and 'peal of surprised laughter' - but it all made completely sense in the end! The ending was definitely completely unexpected, but I did like it - added some amusement to the fic! All in all, I thought you did such a lovely job writing this, and I really enjoyed reading this!

- Charlotte
(for the Huffleclaw-Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza)

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Review #8, by maskedmuggleThe Interluding Years: The Interluding Years

30th December 2013:
Hey!

Here for the 12 Days of Reviewing but I'm really glad I had a chance to read your fic. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but the whole situation here was really surprising/unexpected to read about. I think this is definitely one of the more unique interpretations of the interluding years and your take on it is definitely really interesting.

I really liked how you wrote the scene of Remus mourning James/Lily. I also thought Remus was characterised really well throughout the story, particularly when he ponders the afterlife and doubts that he'll experience the same because he's tainted. Such thoughts just felt so realistically Remus.

I've never really given much thought to what Remus would have done immediately after the end of the war, but I can actually imagine Dumbledore making him promise not to interfere - such an idea seems very Dumbledore and believable. The other thing that really came through quite strongly in this was a sense of how isolated and lonely Remus was - his friends were all "dead" and he wasn't allowed to visit Harry.. it does make me feel really sad for Remus. All in all, I quite liked your interpretation of Remus' interluding years here, and I enjoyed reading this fic - nicely written as well! :)
- Charlotte

Author's Response: Hi Charlotte.

Thank you for the review and I'm glad I surprised you because I liked writing Remus a lot so it was fun to do it. I thought the request from Dumbledore would make sense and it just makes his story even sadder because Harry is everything to him. Thank you for the great review, Maia xxx


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Review #9, by maskedmuggleThe Girl and the Fey: A wizarding Bedtime story: A Wizarding Bedtime story

30th December 2013:
Hey!

Here for the 12 Days of Reviewing but I was also really intrigued by your story summary and of the idea of a wizarding creation myth - there's so many imaginative things you can do with that, and I was really eager to read an interpretation of it! This is actually probably one of the first wizarding bedtime stories that I've read, and I'm surprised I haven't come across/read more stories like this on the archive (although there probably are a few more out there).

I really liked how magical the whole fairytale felt. I also loved how unique/original I thought this one-shot was. I really liked how there were 2 groups of people: the human and the Fey - I thought the idea of the wall worked really well. I also really liked the idea of a girl and a boy, both who felt confined within the walls - such an idea feels really realistic and believable.

I was a bit confused between these two paragraphs: "..but for all the effort, power, and magic of the Fey, they could not make her forget." and "Each night, as the moon was rising its high arc up into the sky, they would meet back on the wall sharing stories of their life on the other side, and each night the people from both sides grew more and more suspicious of their disappearances. The reason is because the first "they" refers to all the Fey whereas I think the second "they" refers to the boy and the girl. Maybe you'd like to just clarify that, because it took me a few seconds to understand what was happening there.

Once I understood that though, everything made sense, and the idea of magic being given to a human thus leading to the creation of wizards/witches actually made some sort of sense/was believable. Also, although the dad/daughter's relationship wasn't that integral to the overall fairytale story, I did like how you portrayed them to be - I liked how close they were and how caring the father was. All in all, really interesting fic/story and well written too - I really enjoyed reading it and basically loved your creation story!
- Charlotte

Author's Response: Thanks, it was really fun to write and I love hearing feedback like this. I've noticed a few spots that need fixing in this story as well but I haven't gotten around to editing it yet. This is actually an earlier story of mine (my first HP one shot) that I posted on another Fanfiction site so it's not as good as I would like really. I would have responded sooner but I haven't been on since the staff when on that break they had, leaving me with a Christmas one-shot I couldn't upload. So here I am about to upload it and I see the review. Thanks for making me smile there and thanks again! :]

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Review #10, by maskedmuggleCryptic: Cryptic

30th December 2013:
Hey!

Here for the 12 Days of Reviewing but also because your story summary sounded super intriguing. I quite liked this little one-shot - the secret was definitely something I wasn't expecting at all!

Your title is also spot on - the whole situation definitely feels really cryptic and at the end I was left wanting to know so much more about Remus/Narcissa and how it happened (because the pairing is really quite strange and hard to believe, although I'm open to the idea of it and believe it could work if put in the right situation/context)! (I almost feel like you could do some follow up chapters/another one-shot acting like a prequel to this or something!)

Despite the idea of Remus/Narcissa I thought it was great how it still felt quite canon, with the mention of Harry and how it was hidden in Grimmauld Place before the Weasleys started cleaning it. The one thing I might mention, not sure if it's personal preference or not, but I'm not really fond of the way you've got sentences starting on new lines, but without spaces in between? I personally find it a bit disruptive - as in, I tend to like paragraphs or sentences with empty lines in between. Hope that makes sense!

Disregarding that though, this story was really interesting to read. The secret was definitely something really surprising, but it leaves me wanting to know so much more! :P A cool idea for a fic though and written well :)
- Charlotte

Author's Response: Wow... I'm sorry to only respond now. Thank you so much for your thorough review! Thanks for your advice, I'll make sure I will do so next time. I will work on a prequel. I was planning to, but I didn't know if people would like this, so I didn't at first. This is my first fanfiction ever, so I really must thank you again for your support and your wonderful review. :)
Love,
Tatia


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Review #11, by maskedmuggleHis Entirely Unbiased Prerogative: His Entirely Unbiased Prerogative

30th December 2013:
Hey!

Hehe, I really enjoyed reading this little one-shot so much! I actually found it really quite humorous and I just loved this insight into Dumbledore/McGonagall and the "behind-the-scenes" of James Potter becoming Head Boy. Of course, I've often wondered Why indeed? in response to why Dumbledore made James head boy, and although you didn't explicitly state Dumbledore's reasons here, I loved all the intrigue and staff opinions about it. I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing but I'm so glad I got a chance to take a look at this story.

I loved the way you characterised Dumbledore: He was quite the picture of contentment and tranquillity, even as the staff room erupted into chaos around him. that just describes him so perfectly! I also love how realistic everything felt: The problem was he never quite made clear his reasoning behind the decision. ..whenever asked.. he would always make some vague, sweeping gesture with one hand, ..on one memorable occasion, through Professor Merrythought's blancmange.. hehe I can just imagine Dumbledore doing that. So I also loved all the humourous moments/comments throughout this!

I'm a little bit hesitant about the believability of the idea of a staff pool on James/Lily but disregarding that, I loved how the staff were aware of their antagonistic relationship: "She'll kill him within the week!" lol. All in all, I thought this was such a well written one-shot and something that was really amusing and fun to read.
- Charlotte

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Review #12, by maskedmuggleJournalist's Roots: Startled

30th December 2013:
Hey!

I really enjoyed this one-shot! It had so many emotions in it, from sadness to hope and even to happiness. Here for the 12 Days of Reviewing but I'm really glad I got a chance to read this :)

I loved the whole situation you came up with following on from the Writer's Duel prompt. I really loved how you characterised Gwenyth and the way both James/Albus Potter were involved in the story. I also really liked how in the end the Potters invited Gwenyth over - it was just such a nice way to end the story and reiterates all the good stuff about how welcoming and openhearted the family is.

Despite how serious the situation kind of was, I also really enjoyed reading some of the more humorous moments: the discussion about the new department "Its acronym is DUMB." and the way Ginny sent them a howler (perfect characterisation of Ginny through the howler dialogue!) - and I found this so, so realistic/true because I can just imagine it - "She treats us like we're still kids," James muttered.

Even though this is a one-shot I actually really feel like I want to read a follow on chapter/s about whether the mother really is the herbolist, and why she left Gwenyth/how they came to be separated. I feel like this could actually work super well as the opening chapter for a short story as there's still some unanswered questions :P Overall though, I found this to be such a great one-shot, and I thought it was really well written. Really enjoyed it immensely! :)

- Charlotte

Author's Response: Wow. Thanks for the wonderful review! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I was also thinking about turning it into a short story. The same questions you brought up also captured my interest. I hope to, in the next few weeks, begin to add chapters. I'd love to hear your continued input, if you stick around. Thanks again for reading it!

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Review #13, by maskedmugglegone.: he wasn't gone.

30th December 2013:
Hey!

NO (that was my first reaction), because I'm such a sucker for happy endings and this was anything but that :( It was so, so tragic, and despite how incredibly torn and heartbroken I am for Emily this was a really well written one shot that utterly captured my attention. Here for the 12 Days of Reviewing but I'm so, so glad I was able to read this one-shot.

I loved your use of the :: Sometimes when writers do that it feels a bit unnecessary but I think you used it to a really great effect here. This whole one-shot had a lot of focus on emotions, which I thought you really conveyed so so well. Emily's emotions and feelings were conveyed so strongly (her grief, desperation and denial in particular) and you made me, as a reader, so, so sympathetic.

Despite the quick change of scene from Emily to Alastar/Hestia it didn't feel abrupt to me, it actually felt like you had a really good flow going on. I also liked how you mentioned little things like how everyone was scared at times like this, and the dementor and how the man was a muggle - it made everything feel believable, realistic and established the time/context of the story. The whole ending was just so sad, especially with the whole engaged thing going on! So I thought this was a really well written piece - also I really loved how you developed from the original Writer's Duel prompt. I really enjoyed reading this, even if the ending made me super sad for Emily/the man.

- Charlotte

Author's Response: Hey!

Who's Emily?! That's my name! :O Did I say Emily somewhere I didn't mean to?

Ah I'm sorry! But you know, since it was my goal I'm glad you're heartbroken hehe. And thank you for the amazing compliment, I'm so glad you think this is well written.

Thank you! I was really worried about that stylistic choice, but so far it seems to have had a positive reception and I'm glad you think I used them well. Yes, I definitely meant for the oneshot to focus a lot on her emotions, so I'm glad you noticed that. And I'm glad that you were sympathetic!

Ah good, I was worried about the flow (especially with the bracketed sections) so I'm happy you think my flow was good. And yeah, I think that the war would have affected the Muggle world, even if they didn't know what was going on. It's good that you felt that the story was realistic and believable. I actually added in the engaged thing after finishing the piece so that I could add Hestia's little part in, I'm glad you found it sad! Ah thank you, I'm happy you found it well written and that you liked my development from the beginning, and that it made you sad hehe.

Thank you for this amazing review Charlotte!


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Review #14, by maskedmuggleUndertow: Chapter One

30th December 2013:
Hey!

I really enjoyed this opening chapter! I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing but also because I've been really excited to start this sequel ever since I finished Over the Edge and enjoyed it so much.

I wasn't sure how well their lives would be, constantly on the move, and whether it would actually work.. so I'm super glad that you put up a sequel. Seeing it written out like this makes me feel that this can work for Rose/Krum and that it is possible for them to live a life of love and meaning. Although now I'm left wondering and really eager to find out what's going to separate Rose/Krum - right now it seems like everything's working fairly well but your story summary suggests that somehow everything's going to be turned upside down soon - and I really want to know how! :P

I found this to be quite thought-provoking as well with how Rose has changed - I really loved how you characterised Rose here - she feels so natural, and how you mentioned that Rose wouldn't be able to escape those memories no matter how far they ran, because that feels so realistic. So I really enjoyed this opening chapter - I'll definitely be reading on - and hopefully you'll continue writing the story of Rose/Krum :)

- Charlotte

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Review #15, by maskedmuggleThe Story of Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris: Isabelle's Despair

30th December 2013:
Hey!

It's been a while yet again but I'm still reading this (albeit very slowly) and really, really enjoying it! I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing (a challenge from the forums) but also because I'm still eager to find out if Isabelle and Argus will meet again/what happens to Argus!

I really loved this bit: But since when did I care about Argus so much? Nevertheless, another answer came that instant. Since I found out he cared for me.. -- because it's so realistic and actually something very relatable for me, personally.

Love/heartbreak is something everyone deals with differently so I really love how this young Isabelle is so torn and angry, and how she made that ending declaration about never loving anyone else - you conveyed her emotions across so well! Also, despite how different she is from when we first met her (kind of snobby towards Argus), Isabelle still feels perfectly characterised - so the transition in her character's attitude/outlook has felt so natural. The other thing I really liked was how strongly a sense of youthful naivety was prevalent throughout the chapter - because it made Isabelle's feelings feel that much more realistic and spot on.

A really great chapter! & now that I've got some spare time I'm really looking forward to reading to the end :D
- Charlotte

Author's Response: Hello again! I'm glad you decided to come back! It's been a while since I checked my account and I was very happy to see your reviews! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story :)
- TheRandomGurlz


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Review #16, by maskedmuggle{insert evil laugh}: two. moose poop

29th December 2013:
Hey again Sankavi!

First off, I have to apologise for the super long wait.. I was sick and just ended up taking a break pre and during christmas from reviewing.. but I'm back now! Aside from that though, I was definitely looking forward to reading chapter 2 and finding out more about Laila! :)

Plot - I'll be very frank and say that I've probably read a chapter like this many, many times before, (traveling to King's Cross, boarding the train, meeting the other characters, etc), but I guess you can't really avoid that if you really want to start right at the beginning of the year. However, I did quite like how you wrote it here. You managed to keep it quite interesting to read though, it flowed well, and I particularly liked how bits of it was quite comical, such as Laila waking Scorpius up with the horn. (I can just imagine how amusing that would be!)

Characters - I'm getting more of a sense of Laila as a character which is great! The one thing I'm a bit doubtful of is how her friends just happens to be 3 males - this kind of thing seems to happen quite a lot in fics that are similar to yours, so if you were concerned about how 'cliche' or unique your story might be, this is probably something to be aware of. As for the other characters - I like Al, Zabs and Jasper - kudos to you for their cool names (I really like how unique Zabs is in particular, without it going overboard). I definitely felt a strong sense of friendship and closeness in their OWL conversation, which is great. I'm not sure if I ship Al and his camera just yet :P (probably need to see a bit more of that before I do), but I do really like it - I don't actually see cameras featuring that much in hpff at all, apart from with Colin stories! Oh, and Penderghast sounds really delightful :P I'm looking forward to reading the potential conflict in Laila discussing her schedule with him (assuming this might come up in the next chapter).

I only picked up 2 little things throughout this chapter: In "Scorpius.. is total bore" it's just missing and 'a', so that it reads "is a total bore". Secondly, you're missing the capital on the second time you mention "Kings cross" ;) So yay this was a well written chapter!

Overall, the main issue I'd have with this chapter/your story is that the first 2 chapters bear quite a strong resemblance to many other next-gen fics that I have read. I guess there's not too much you can do about that unless you completely restructured your fic.. which would take a huge deal of effort (and I'm pretty sure you probably don't want to do that), but disregarding that, this is a solid chapter. It does feel a bit dull because I'm not reading anything super new.. I would say that I'm engaged in this story, but I probably won't find myself super hooked until the "main plot" comes into play - as in, when Laila starts proving that she's not the Malfoy everyone thinks she is. So your opening chapters both feel quite introductory and "filler" type chapters before I reach the main plot, but nevertheless, they are interesting to read through and they do serve its purpose well in introducing the characters and the situation for the rest of your novel :)

So I really hope that wasn't too harsh - I do think you're off to a good start for the rest of the novel - my main critique was that if your main aim was a super original or unique novel with this, then you should probably be aware of the stuff I pointed out.. but if your main aim is to write a great fic to read, then so far you're well on the right track! :) Let me know if there's any problems/feel free to discuss anything further with me, etc. I did really enjoy reading this though and I hope this helps!
- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

Author's Response: Hi Charlotte! I hope you got better and had a wonderful holidays :)

Ah, yes, the plot. I may have been going for original when I first started writing this fic, but now it's like you said, just writing a good fic to read. The beginning won't be changing abytime soon (as I have no idea how else to start this story XD ) but maybe sometime in the future I might edit it into something different :)

I wasn't aware that the 3 males thing happened a lot. :P (well, now that I think about it, i kind of see it) For this story, and you'll probably notice as you read more, it's laila and al who are the closest and then the 'trio' is scorpius, zabs,a nd jasper. Zabs and Jasper are more like family to Laila (and i don't think i've mentioned it yet and it's not really a big fact but jasper is pansy's son). I'll keep an eye on it though and make sure it stays pretty realistic and not too much like other stories.

I'm glad you like the characters and their friendship! I loved writing the train scene because that was their first interaction you got to see and you get to read about the different dynamics and stuff. I put a lot of thought into how the five of them would be with each other because I wanted each person to kind of bring something different to the group with out making all of them follow a certain stereotype or have them be too extreme :P

I'm suprosed that the camera doens't get featured more often in stories. I find it really interesting that in this world that is so magical, you have this device that's just super muggle-y. You will ship it. Eventually, you will. THAT IS MY CHALLENGE >D. Yup, Penderghast comes up in the next chapter!

Thank you for pointing out the grammar mistakes. No matter how many times I read it through, i still miss things . . .

Yeah, not much I can do about the beginning at this point . . . but hopefully it'll get better? The next chapter should start getting into the plot a bit, or at least get the ball rolling a little.

Thank you so much for this; it wasn't harsh at all! I like how you tell it as it is (it's what I prefer). These reviews are very insightful and helpful for me, and totally be on the lookout for a request ;)

-Sankavi ^_^


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Review #17, by maskedmuggleObsessed: Part I

14th December 2013:
Hey there!

Here from the forums for your requested review. First off, I really liked this opening chapter and your portrayal of Pansy! Also, just as a note: I haven't read your one-shot Psychopath so I'll be reviewing this chapter as a complete stand alone fic.

Plot - so far, I'm actually pretty hooked to find out what Pansy tries next to get closer to Draco. I think the bar setting was written well, and all the interactions and dialogue between Draco/Pansy and Draco/Hermione was really interesting to read about. I especially loved Draco's disbelief when Pansy brought in breakfast the day after.. that moment just made me lol.

Characterisation - I think this was your main concern, but I'm here to reassure you that your Pansy is actually great, and that I definitely get a sense of the possibility that she's going to become psychopathic! You conveyed this really well to me through her utter seriousness in bringing Draco breakfast and her repeat attempts to try and see Draco again. Although you said you weren't really focused on sticking to Pansy's true character as in the books, I actually feel like your Pansy is very canon, so I guess, well done to you for managing that even if you weren't intending to! I feel like you nailed Pansy's internal thoughts and the way she talks.. she feels a bit fake, self-absorbed and still prejudiced, and I find that her character/mind in this chapter is all around just really realistic.

As for Draco and Hermione.. both who are arguably harder to characterise perfectly than Pansy as they're very prominent characters in JKR's books.. I also thought you did a really great job of it. I found the way that Draco was initially friendly to Pansy then quite aloof extremely believable. The only thing I'm a bit iffy about is how you characterise Draco at Hogwarts as a 'player' of sorts - "when he kissed another new girl in the corridors." which is not really how JKR portrays him to be. That's the only negative I have for Draco's characterisation. I can also imagine Hermione rising over all the events of the past in treating Draco as a fellow co-worker. Normally my main critique of Dramiones is the unbelievable characterisation of Draco and Hermione, but honestly so far in this chapter.. their interaction/dialogue/characterisation felt quite believable, so I really have to commend you for that!

You already noted that you've found several grammar errors so I avoided copying and pasting them here - mainly it was just a few sentences here and there that could probably be reworded so that the whole story flowed better. In some instances, you tend to join clauses together without a connecting word/s, such as in "I looked around, a lot of familiar faces and one I did not expect to see around here." As a sentence, it sounds a bit strange as if it's missing something. Consider rewriting it to something like "I looked around and saw a lot of.." Similarly in the sentence: ""Draco Malfoy" I smiled, the blonde man turned around and faced me." However, in this case maybe splitting it into two sentences might work better? Another thing: the name Margret is usually spelt Margaret, although if you intended for the secretary to have the strange spelling name, then ignore me! Also, in Draco's dialogue "I knew where to find you" I believe you meant I know where.. Lastly, there's a little inconsistency as you use both "Fire Whiskey" and "firewhiskey". I believe firewhiskey is one word.. so maybe just make it all consistent. All in all, I'd probably recommend just reading through the chapter (perhaps out loud) to ensure that every sentence makes complete sense.

Okay, so despite my nitpicking of your spelling/grammar/punctuation/etc (all of which can be easily fixed) I really enjoyed reading this first chapter! It did precisely what I believe a first chapter should do: introduce the characters, establish what's happening and interest the reader to continue reading. I apologise for the essay length of the review - I find it really easy to say so much.. but hopefully it helps! Feel free to contact me on the forums if you have any further concerns/questions! So basically, I really liked the plot/characters in this chapter and you wrote it well!

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for your review! That was just what I needed!
Funny I tried to write her OOC but ended up being Canon, haha :D Well, maybe my picture of her isn't far from the books afterall.
I was actually thinking of changing that part with him being player, so good point.
And thank you for finding those errors, I'll fix them as soon as I can! There are some phrases and sentences I still need to learn how to write, or... a lot actually.
It's nice to know that I did well in the first chapter, then I can calmly continue writing chapter two :D
Thank you so much for your review! It truly helped a lot.


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Review #18, by maskedmuggleCloser In Winter: On The Express

12th December 2013:
Hey there!

Here from the forums for your requested review. First off, I quite enjoyed reading this opening chapter and I actually think that the way you wrote this was great as it made normal events like Hermione feeling sick and a journey on the Hogwarts Express feel like a different experience.

Plot - like I said above, I feel like you really made the Hogwarts Express trip feel like something different, which is really awesome. I quite liked your use of the frequent Tadadak-Tadadak-Tadadak. as it encapsulated the feeling of a train really well, although I did find that it was a bit disruptive in some places. One instance where I found that it worked really well was before and after the phrases: "Her nose felt itchy." and "And her throat was dry.".. while the last 4 Tadadak lines feel unnecessary/a little tiresome, as if you've overused the line too much in this one chapter. Also, I found that it disrupted the story you were telling of Hermione making her way to the door. I really love how even in this chapter it felt like there was a climax, and I really must commend you for how you managed to make a toppling tower of suitcases into a cliffhanger :P - I actually really want to know what happens next and to read on the next chapter, which is precisely what an opening chapter sets out to do - so awesome work!

Characterisation - I find that the trio/Draco are all really difficult to characterise perfectly given that we all know them so well through JKR's writing, but I think you've managed to do a really great job with them! They didn't feel OOC (out of character) to me at all in this chapter and the dialogue all felt very genuine - the banter between Harry/Ron, the boys' concern for Hermione, and also the interaction between Hermione/Draco, so really well done on this!

I found no major spelling or punctuation errors (yay) but there were a few phrases that could probably be better worded. This line is a bit too long and gets confusing: "The rhythmic noise coming from the metal wheels of the train rolling over the joints in the rails had rocked her.." I think it would sound better if you just got rid of "rolling over the joints in the rails" as that bit isn't really that necessary anyway? Similarly, this line is also a bit too long: "Fixing her dazed gaze on the colourful blur, she could feel every curve in the rails tighten that knot in her stomach and she could feel every drop of her blood pumping through her forehead, temples and neck." Maybe consider breaking that up into two sentences? With "She got slowly got up" the first "got" isn't necessary. This is another long line: "But the hubbub of conversation and discussion pierced with laughter flowing out of the overly crowded with joyous students was almost as deafening as the trains echoing roar in the hallway." I think having both conversation and discussion is a bit tautological and getting rid of one would make the sentence shorter/flow better. I believe trains is missing an apostrophe: "train's, and that you're also missing a noun after overly crowded: maybe compartments? Last one: this sounds a bit strange: "Everything okay Hermione? You look a little pale." asked Harry. because you've got the question first, followed by an observation, and then the verb asked. It'd make a lot more sense to switch the two phrases so that the question is immediately followed by asked. So all in all, just a few things here and there. For the future, you could try reducing things like this by reading aloud the chapter to yourself to see if every sentence flows as you read it and isn't too long?

One other thing is the multiple gaps between every line that you have in this chapter. This might just be a personal preference, but it feels a bit distracting to me? Maybe consider reducing the gaps to a one-line gap? This isn't much of an issue, just pointing it out (not sure if other people feel this way too or not). You mentioned the story summary reflecting some of your concerns but I think you've changed that since then? All in all though, I think this is definitely a really solid opening chapter for a novella. The plot of the overal novella hasn't quite been revealed yet but as a reader I'd be intrigued to keep on reading, especially to see how the Dramione will turn out! I'm sorry for the essay length of this review but hopefully this helps you somehow! Feel free to contact me on the forums if you have any questions/further concerns! I really enjoyed reading this - quite a refreshing account of a train journey.

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

Author's Response: Charlotte/maskedmuggle,

Thank you so much for reviewing so quickly!
You covered every single worries I had about this chapter just perfectly! I'm applying a few changes here and there already.

I'm really glad I managed to step over the easy OOC, especially since I plan on having a slightly different Ginny (I wish I wouldn't have to, but it's a necessary adjustment for the progress of the plot.)

Reading aloud the next chapters helped me realize I need to re-write them rather quickly since I was more focused on the story and plot rather than the words themselves. So thanks for the tip!

I'll definitely watch out for those gaps you mentioned (I found them useful while re-reading what I wrote but as a reader, they do indeed tend to distract).

I'm pretty sure I'll beg for your opinion soon enough (I seem to be extremely blind to some obvious flaws when it comes to what I write) but I'll go over the next chapters and maybe bring out the fifth before re-applying :)

Again, thank you very much for taking the time to read and review. :)
(And I'm glad you liked it!)


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Review #19, by maskedmuggle{insert evil laugh}: a beginning of sorts

12th December 2013:
Hi Sankavi!

Here from the forums for your requested review. Sorry about the week long wait, I hope it wasn't too much of a bother! Firstly, your opening chapter definitely does a good job of introducing Laila to the reader. I think I do get a good sense of who she is as a person which is awesome, and I do feel quite intrigued on reading on and finding out more!

There's not really that much on to comment on, plotwise, as this chapter is quite short and generally focused on Laila's personal thoughts/narration. You do set up a vague idea of what the plot will be for the novel with how Laila has decided to show everyone "that I'm not the Malfoy everyone thinks I am." as she enters sixth year, with is great because it gets readers interested! I do hope that somewhere in your story you mention why it is in her sixth year that she has finally decided to reveal her real identity and what has influenced her to decide this. Hope that makes sense!

Characterisation... I have to admit that Laila does seem like a character that I've probably read about in other fanfics before.. but this is only the opening chapter and this small glimpse probably doesn't reflect her whole personality. However, I have to say that her personal voice in this chapter is definitely very strong and interesting to read - and she seems like quite a likeable character. The thing that made me feel as if I've read about a character like Laila before is how I've read plenty of other fanfics starting out in a very similar way: a personal narration introducing the character/family/background, etc. So to specifically answer your concern about whether it seems like you're just telling facts in this chapter.. it does seem that way to me, but there's nothing wrong with a chapter of facts and minimal plot if it's written well enough - which I think yours is. As such, despite how there's a lot of facts and how I feel like I've read this type of introduction before.. I find this a solid opening chapter that does the job well enough in convincing me, as a reader to read on (which I personally think is the main aim of an opening chapter).

A few quick spelling/punctuation/grammar errors: I believe death eater and quidditch should both be capitalised to read Death Eater and Quidditch. With the phrase "a charmer among girl" this would make better sense with the plural girls. With "...bullied.No", a space after the full stop is missing. Lastly, I think "But my eyes, those were Malfoy." sounds a bit strange as following "those were.." you'd be expecting an adjective but instead you've got Malfoy there - a noun. Maybe it might sound better reworded like this? But my eyes, those were of a Malfoy.

Lastly, this might be just a personal preference.. but I found that the multiple gaps between every line was a bit distracting. I feel like you could perhaps group two or three of the lines together sometimes? Or maybe reduce the two-line gaps to a one-line gap? This isn't really that much of an issue, just pointing it out (not sure if other people feel this way too or not). Overall though, I found this to be an interesting first chapter and you've written it quite well! One phrase that I absolutely loved was "I was a snake in red and gold robes." I never intend to write so much in my reviews but I hope this helps somehow! I enjoyed reading this :)

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

Author's Response: That's fine! Sorry about replying to this so late :S

Yup, this isn't really a plot chapter as it is a prologue to get the ball rolling! I get what you mean. Her reason for doing it in her sixth year is kind of explained in the third (i think?) chapter.

I wrote the beginning to this a couple years back, hence why it may not sound so original (i was a 7th grader who was super into the cliche next gen stories(not that they were bad, but they were kind of repetitive)). I've just never been able to find a different way to start the story, which is why i'm keeping it like this for now, Hopefully I'll be comfortable enough later on to edit it because I feel the same way as you do about it.

Thanks for spotting the grammar error, will fix that ;)

Thank you so much for writing this review. I can tell you put a lot of thought into it, and sorry for being so late with my response >.<

-Sankavi ^_^


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Review #20, by maskedmuggleOver The Edge: Chapter 21, Epilogue: Rose Weasley

10th December 2013:
Hey!

Woah I've finally reached the end of this story after reading it very slowly over the past several months! It's been a really great read and I think I may have said this before but congratulations on finishing your first ever novel, especially since it's such an awesome one!

The last chapter (Chapter 20) definitely felt so incredibly intense with Regina/Rose's "chat" and the knife fight, and I definitely did not expect Regina to be that crazy at all! I was super eager reading the beginning of this final chapter to find out what the legal implications would have been - and finding out Viktor had tampered with the evidence and was now sentenced to life in prison was really surprising but also something that I found quite believable. I love how through Viktor's actions you can see how much Viktor has changed and how well Rose/Viktor fit together.

I did personally find it slightly surprising to believe that Albus would help break Krum out and that Rose would be willing to live life forever on the run but.. I guess love and family really does trump everything else!

Although it's taken me so long to get to the end, I really have enjoyed reading your super original story! As I've said before, I love how unique the Rose/Viktor pairing is, and how you characterised them individually as well. You're a really brilliant writer and this story was truly amazing.

- Charlotte :)

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Review #21, by maskedmuggleIn Sickness And In Health: The Battle

8th December 2013:
Hey there!

Here from the forums for your requested review. First off, the Hogwarts era while disregarding DH is a really interesting time to set a novel, and it's definitely interesting seeing your different take on the whole war. It's nice seeing that the trio are still hunting horcruxes while being able to share the Grimmauld House and the company of the Order.

I believe that this opening chapter is probably more to set the scene for the rest of the story - the Dramione curse, rather than truly focusing on the outcome of the war.. (sorry if I'm wrong) but I think through it you managed to accomplished a sense of intrigue - as the reader now wants to know what will happen to Hermione and what kind of curse she was hit with.. and of course - how Draco is as well. So, well done with that! as the opening chapter mainly serves to gain the interest of the reader! :) As such, I do wonder if the first scenes of this chapter are that necessary as I find that it is mainly the final scene of this chapter that brings the intrigue. The first few scenes of the story feel a bit 'filler' like (it lacked a sense of emergency and a sense of chaos), and I don't think that I, as a reader, get truly engaged in the story until the end. I feel like you could just have the final scene with a little bit about how after months of searching for horcruxes they were finally in the middle of the battle.. and it would work just as well, if not more effectively as an opening chapter.

Characterisation: Hermione is naturally quite difficult to characterise accurately as we know her so extremely well from the way JKR has written here, so I did find her quite OOC (out of character) at times, such as when she refers to Harry and Ron as "goons", and how she is uncharacteristically late and unprepared at the beginning. Although you write in the third person, the observation that "Harry was having a dangerous showdown with Voldemort behind Lucius Malfoy" is kind of from Hermione's point of view, and I find that the tone is way too casual when this fight is the most important of them all. It also seems very OOC that Hermione would be distracted by looking around her in the middle of a fight with Bellatrix of all people. I thought that this line described Hermione perfectly though! "She was embarrassed to admit it, but she was scared. For once, Hermione did not “know it all”." I also liked how you characterised Ginny, Malfoy and Remus as well!

I also spotted a few spelling/punctuation/grammar errors but nothing major: I believe putting commas after Harry and Ron in "Harry Ron and Hermione" would flow better. Try putting commas where you might stop pause briefly while you're saying it out loud. With "Harry ad Hermione" I'm sure you mean and. I think this sentence would sound better without the word back: "he was too much of an impostor to belong back."

I would also consider rephrasing these two sentences as they don't sound quite right: "Hermione's dufflebag was sitting on top of her bed, with a few items placed beside, ready to be packed and begin the next stage in her life." Replacing the and with to would make more sense. Also with this.. "Mr Malfoy, if Dumbledore was right about you, and I am hoping that by your presence here this year he was, that you know what is soon approaching us, and to protect all we know and love now, you will help us" she said to him, a hint of pleading visible in her eyes" it seems uncharacteristic of McGonagall to be 'pleading' (she is always so in control) and to express her doubts about Malfoy to his face. I would probably reword it to something like "Mr Malfoy, I believe that you know what is soon approaching us. If you wish to help us protect all we know and love now, your presence in the Great Hall would be welcomed."

Overall though, I found this to be a pretty good chapter, although as the first chapter of a novel I'd probably aim to make it a bit more dramatic to truly hook the reader in right from the very beginning. I do like your proposed novel plot though, and it would be interesting to see how the Dramione would play out! Also: I didn't mean to write so much but I hope this review helps you somehow anyway! Lastly: although your story disregards DH it still felt believable, so great job with that, and I quite enjoyed reading this!

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

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Review #22, by maskedmuggleClash: Her

7th December 2013:
Hey there!

Here from the forums with your requested review. First off, I definitely found myself getting interested in the story quite quickly - which is just what you want with an opening chapter for a novel. It was definitely very intriguing to hear the revelation that Rose was the last of her kind - I'm guessing the story behind how this has happened will be revealed throughout the novel - and this kind of hook definitely works in making me feel compelled to keep on reading!

For the opening scene: generally everything felt very realistic, as if this is what would actually happen if muggles were to realise magic's existence. The only thing I was a bit iffy about was the way Rose addressed Mr. Walker first, and by his name in "Do sit down, Mr. Walker" even though this appears to be their first meeting - how does Rose know his name? It's a really tiny detail but just an unresolved question that pops up in my mind.

For the whole chapter: the way you characterised Rose was definitely quite different from most next generation fics, and I really liked how she was presented here as such an unusual character. The second part of the story was written really well with Rose's desperation over Hugo and the dark magic. At first I was fairly confused over what was happening for the whole of the second part, but the beginning of the third part was like the reader's revelation of what had happened (the use of previously untested dark magic) and I love how unique an idea it is - whilst still being believable!

Any issues/confusion I have with this chapter is mainly with the third and fourth part to the story. The Head Auror, Vincent proposed to make Rose an asset to the ministry, but then the Minister's response: "Need I remind you.. that.. the rank of Auror is a privilege" doesn't quite seem to follow on? As in, Vincent wasn't proposing anything about Rose becoming an auror, merely an asset to the ministry - so the response just doesn't seem to make sense. Also, I found Kingsley's characterisation here quite conflicting to canon. He's portrayed as quite ruthless, unlikeable and utterly disregarding of Vincent's proposal - which all seems very contrary to his character in the books.

From the fourth part: It doesn't really make sense how Vincent doesn't know about Aunt Ginny (calling her Germy), as unless this story is kind of AU, I'm sure he would know about Ginny. Surely Hermione/Ron's death and the survival of Rose and Hugo would have made front page news.. and there definitely would've been a mention somewhere of Harry Potter and Ginny (who are well known war heroes anyway). The characterisation of the Head throughout is fairly consistent except for this part, where he says "no boys, no drinking, no communication with boys, no junk food, no thinking about boys... Also, there will be no talking to.. boys of any kind". Aside from the tautology, the Head is clearly no father figure and doesn't see Rose as a typical teenager. Since Rose is clearly not a typical teenager at all, it's just a bit hard to believe that the Head would impose the typical teenager restrictions on her. It just seems to contradict with the Head's character. I hope this makes sense..

I didn't really see any spelling/grammar errors so well done to you! For punctuation: I don't know if you intentionally left "She couldn't move her legs" and "Tears of joy" without an ending full stop or not, but I feel like a full stop at the end of both clauses would work better? Just because it feels more complete and I don't find that the lack of full stop adds to any effect.

Overall, I thought your characterisation of Rose, Mr Walker and Vincent was really interesting, although I have doubts about Kingsley's characterisation. The plot so far is definitely very intriguing and unique. I didn't mean to write so much but I had a lot to say and I hope this review helps somehow anyway! From this opening chapter I can see that the fic holds a lot of potential to be a really original and awesome story, and I definitely quite enjoyed reading this chapter.

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

Author's Response: Hey there. Sorry for the super late reply. I will definitely be editing some of the things you've touched on. While I don't agree with the critique on the Head (to each his own, I suppose), I will make some spelling, grammar, syntax edits.

Thanks for reading :)


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Review #23, by maskedmuggleShadow: Shadow

7th December 2013:
Hey there!

Here from the forums with your requested review! First off, I actually really liked this story - horror/dark isn't really the stuff I usually read at all but as I read on I found myself getting more and more engaged with the story.

I found it very original how the speaker is an incubus - I have never come across this before and I really liked how you weaved it into the HP world with him targeting witches. The voice of the incubus was very compelling to read and I liked how you 'characterised' him so strongly just through what he was thinking/saying - he definitely felt very sinister and arcane throughout. So in response to your concern about the character voice - I actually think it's spot on for an incubus.

You were concerned about whether your story is too stylistic with not enough plot, but I want to reassure you that I feel like you've got the perfect balance! The descriptive language actually sets the mood of the story so well - the opening paragraph had some beautifully dark imagery that heightened the dark character of the incubus. As for the plot, I liked how you tracked it through history and then focused on the one specific person, and outlined the story of Kendra's background (I really liked how she was a woman masquerading as a man - a really original and believable idea!). I especially liked how everything was quite indistinct/vague and anonymous - until the end.

The ending was definitely a surprise, and it was interesting! I thought the woman would just be some anonymous forgotten person and that if you put a name to her it would ruin the story but.. the way you wrote it made it all work perfectly - so I really liked how it was revealed at the end. You also could not have picked a better person than Kendra - she's someone we know in the HP world, but also someone who we barely know at all - so her background story was really believable and I loved this insight into her life.

So now I'm onto the areas of confusion - there weren't many at all but I do wonder why the incubus is so focused on Kendra when he has "had many lovers". To explain: I don't mind the whole focus on Kendra's life story, but how at the end it seems like the incubus is heavily focused on only watching "our son" (Dumbledore - I love how the incubus spoke about him by the way) - what about all the other children he has fathered? Why do the incubus' thoughts "linger upon [Kendra]" and why is it only Kendra's name that the incubus sings? (What of all the other women?) I kind of thought that Kendra would be just another one of hundreds of women that the incubus would forget just as easily.

The only other thing was with the Mirror (of Erised; I'm assuming): I'm a bit confused how when Kendra looks in the mirror she sees her desire: her and the incubus as two respectful members of society, but how when Kendra looks again, this time standing next to the incubus, she sees the real reflection of the incubus. I'm just a bit confused as the mirror is about seeing one's desire - so I imagine Kendra would only see her desire and not the incubus' reflection? Hope this makes sense!

Lastly, a small note that I didn't notice any spelling/grammar/punctuation errors at all, so well done for that! Overall though, I really enjoyed your story immensely! It's really unlike anything I've ever read so you really deserve some applause for that! I definitely didn't mean to write so much in my review but I guess I had a lot of things to say! I hope this review helps you in someway though :P I found this fic to have a really unique idea and written really well, and I'm glad I had the chance to read it!

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

Author's Response: Hi Charlotte! Wow, this is so long and in depth, thank you! :D It's really great to hear you liked my story, even if you're not a big fan of horror. I feel like as horror stories go, this one is a little lovey-dovey at times. :P

It's great to hear you liked the incubus and thought it was original to hear from him. I whipped this up last-minute for a challenge and thought it would be an interesting perspective to tie into the HP world: it never occurred to me to write from the POV of a character who wasn't the incubus, for some reason. I'm pleased you thought his voice worked well. :)

Okay, that's really helpful to hear as I was worried it would fall off the poetic deep end and not make any sense at all. It's good to know the style fit well with the plot and voice. I'm really pleased you liked the way the story flowed as well: I enjoyed having that surprise at the end since it was a little bit of a surprise to me as well! :)

Ah, I'm so glad you found the ending interesting! I agree, I wanted to write a Victorian era story and thought Kendra would be a good choice since, as you said, she's a little mysterious. I'm glad you liked her and thought I did her justice! :)

Thanks so much for pointing these out, it's really helpful! In my head canon Albus was the last child the incubus fathered and Kendra probably his last lover: since the country is moving through the industrial revolution and towards modernization and the Enlightenment is underway, and they're moving away from believing in supernatural things and leaving room for creatures like the incubus to get close to people. I thought it might make sense if the incubus lingered on them since they were the last of his "family" for lack of a better word. Now that you've pointed that out I'll definitely clarify a little more in the story: I think it will make the story stronger in fact! :D

Yes, the mirror just sort of crept in there. :P I think I need to clarify the positioning at the time: I imagined Kendra looking in and seeing an image of her and a respectable husband, and then she moved the incubus to look in by himself (getting out of the reflection herself) and she illuminates her wand and sees him, so she's not looking in the mirror at the time. Just writing it out like this clarifies it for me too: it's a bit of an odd scene! :) Thanks so much again for pointing these things out, I'm going to do an edit soon and hopefully clarify! :D

Yay, no errors! :) Thanks so much, and I'm so happy you liked the story and found it original. This is very helpful and I really appreciate it! :D


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Review #24, by maskedmuggleWhat scares you?: What Scares You?

9th November 2013:
Hey!

I really enjoyed this little piece! I don't think I've ever actually read a fic from the perspective of the Bloody Baron himself, and I really liked how you portrayed him here! It was definitely a different side of him, but I think you did such a great job - it felt quite believable to me and I could really feel his emptiness and the emotions.

The way you wrote this worked really well. I really liked all his thoughts and questions. A great one-shot! :)
- Charlotte

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Review #25, by maskedmuggleWinner Takes All: Behind the Victory, That's Her Destiny

15th October 2013:
Hey!

This is one of your older stories but I just love reading ScoRose stories and have to say that I really enjoyed this! I found your whole characterisation of Rose and Scorpius, as well as the whole plot very refreshing and different. I've always been a strong ScoRose shipper but in this story, I actually really liked the Teddy/Rose too - sometimes Teddy/Rose just feels wrong, but here I felt like it made such a perfect ending! So basically, you are a really wonderful writer and I really loved this whole fic!

- Charlotte

Author's Response: Thank you very much! It means a lot that you enjoyed this story because it's a contentious one for Scorose shippers. Refreshing and different were exactly what I was going for with it, though - I wanted to see what would happen if the characterizations of both characters were slightly skewed from what's become the accepted fanon versions. I'm so glad to hear that Teddy/Rose felt right in this story, too!

Thank you again for the wonderful review!


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