Reading Reviews From Member: writeyourheartout
  
126 Reviews Found

Review #26, by writeyourheartoutTheir Perfect Picture: The First Crack in Their Perfect Picture

1st January 2014:
Hello there! So I'm here for Day Six of the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge that the forums are hosting! I'm very happy to have stumbled upon your fic in my search for new stories! ^.^

I really enjoyed this. And what a contrast between the two chapters!

We start with this adorably sweet, intimate moment between Sirius and Remus, alone in the shack, being cute and kind and comforting. I loved the way Sirius presses his nose to Remus and how he wants to be nearer to him and just stare at his too-close face. Their small amount of dialogue felt perfectly in character, with that casual ease between them. It's funny because chapter one starts with the line, "It was never easy; how could it be?" and yet it's not until chapter two that we really experience any of the difficulties they face. It feels so simple and natural during that shared moment, away from prying eyes and circulating rumors.

The picture gift from Sirius was so sweet and it brought along my favorite moment of the fic: "Remus internally winced as he remembered that this was how his mother used to wrap all his presents since she couldn't afford anything else. Sirius' disowning had affected him more than he liked to let on." - Drawing the parallels between Remus' mother and Sirius' situation was just really clever and definitely pulled at my heartstrings.

The second chapter was such a drastic shift from the first, yet still so good! You did a great job at making me feel bad for both Remus and Sirius and recognizing that the situation was hard on both of them. As much as I hate to see them in such a fight, the whole scenario felt very authentic. The fact that the situation gets away from them and Sirius finally just breaks out in a crazed laughter and outs Remus to James and Peter was so exactly something I could see him doing, unfortunately. And Remus' reaction - I mean, can you blame him? Poor guy. I thought it was just brilliant of you to pull that picture frame back into the plot in such an opposing way - used as weapon rather than a token of affection. Just heart-breaking and real and perfect.

I've only got a few, very small critiques!

This is a pretty nitpicky detail, and probably mostly an opinion thing, but in this sentence here, you have the word 'her' in bold: ""Well from the sounds of it you were the only one there apart from *her and it is pretty obvious what her story is." and in general, I think italicizing words that you want emphasized is a better option. It's just more aesthetically pleasing.

"Sirius looked towards Remus who turned his back on his friends and stood by the edge of the dilapidated bed. He clenched his hands into fists(,) tensing the muscles in his arm. Shoulders heaving(,) he repressed a shudder at the thought of what Sirius was about to do." - The beginning of this paragraph is a little confusing because it's hard to know until the end of the third line which 'he' you're referring to. When I read it the first time, I actually thought it was Sirius being described in this moment. When Sirius' name was dropped, though, and I realized it was actually Remus you were talking about, I had to go back and reread. It's really hard sometimes to keep everybody straight when you're writing a story that involves so many characters of the same gender, but you do a really great job remaining clear about who every 'he' is except in this one moment!

"Unfortunately, Sirius' Quidditch reflexes didn't help as he was rather unaccustomed to having rectangular objects to doge (dodge, not doge)."

And lastly, there were a handful of places that I thought could have used comma's, but nothing so drastic that I felt the need to pinpoint them all, either. But should you ever edit through this story one day, I would maybe keep an eye out for sentences with natural pauses in them that left out the guidance of a comma.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this! I love Remus/Sirius stories and this one made me smile and then made me sad and now it makes me want to find more Remus/Sirius fics because you've reignited the flame of my love for them! Anyway, really great job - I'm so glad I found this story! :)

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Review #27, by writeyourheartoutTurn to Stone: (let's take a better look beyond a storybook)

31st December 2013:
Hello there! So I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge over on the forums! Today's task was to review stories without any reviews, and my God, am I happy I found yours.

This was beautiful.

First of all, what a seriously unique idea! I don't think I've read a story that even comes close to this sort of thing! It's just crazy original and compelling and intriguing!

The storyline on its own is fantastic, but what's truly memorable about this piece is your execution of it! The way you wrote this was simply stunning. Right from the top I was captivated. I think those two opening paragraphs were my favorite. It immediately evoked all sorts of emotions and endless thought processes as I considered the lives of these two marble statues! I felt so terribly sad for them that they had the ability to think but not the ability to move, and it made me ask all of these questions, like how long have they been there, stuck in these positions, watching the world go by and change and grow while they do nothing but remain? You gave so much life to these inanimate stone carvings and it just broke my heart. Seriously, all of that came about from those first two paragraphs alone. Magnificent.

I love the way you chose to position them; her turned away but reaching back for him, him reaching forward as he's forced to stare forever at this single side of her, longing for more, unable to close that small distance between their hands; frozen in these marble bodies. It's absolutely incredible how much you made me feel for these statues.

I love that you gave her crooked teeth and that he, even with his expectations most likely impossibly high, finds her more perfect than he ever could have imagined. It's a beautiful moment when he sees perfection in her imperfection. How very human of him. :)

I love their innocence and their ability to so fully love even the most simple of things - things like spinning around in circles and experiencing the feeling of grass between their toes and the beauty of the night sky. They are like children, discovering the magic of the world for the first time.

I love that they named themselves Colin and Luna. That was just such a nice touch and it's such a perfect pair to have used for inspiration.

Do you notice how my past four paragraphs all started with the words 'I love...'? It's because I love this. All around. In every way.

I do have just a couple of questions!

So first you wrote this: "If she were human, she'd have dimples..." and later you reference - twice - that she actually does have dimples. Here's one of them: "He loves her dimples." - I'm not sure if that was something you accidentally overlooked, or if you did it on purpose to show maybe that she becomes more human as the night goes on (until it's time to change back, of course)? Or if it was something else entirely! But I thought I'd point it out just in case it was a mistake and I wasn't simply missing the point! hehehe ^.^

Also, is there a reason that this happened to them? I would have liked a small explanation about why and how they were given this chance! I tried to research the Calends of July in case it was something to do with that, but I couldn't find anything. I was expecting maybe an urban myth or a Roman God-like story that went along with it and explained why they might have come to life, but I couldn't find anything. Just curiosity, is all!

And that's it! I can't believe I'm the first to review this beautiful piece of work! Every moment in this story is perfect. Nothing was thrown away or misplaced or misused. Every word served a purpose and it takes a truly talented writer to pull something like that off. You are just phenomenal and I will have to check out more of your stories. I'm so glad I found this. :)

P.S. I LOVE Ingrid Michaelson. As soon as I saw your credit to her in the summary, I was like 'MUST READ.' She's brilliant. And this song is one of my favorite's. *squee*

Author's Response: I'm speechless at the moment. I don't know how to thank you for such an amazing review (and to be honest I didn't think this story would ever get a review).

Okay, the only thing I can really do is try to answer your questions. For the first one, that was honestly something I did subconsciously, but now I like it too much to let it go. As I wrote this story, I got more and more attached to the statues as they spent more time alive, and really got more human. I guess he didn't want to beleive that he wasn't human, so he started projecting that idea onto her, hence the 'if she had dimples' v. 'I love her dimples'.

On the backstory, I honestly wasn't completely sure what I was doing when I was writing it. I chose the Calends of July because I had just read the date in a Percy Jackson book, and I thought it sounded magical. So, of course, I decided to use it. Also, my headcanon is that the two statues were made in Greco-Roman time, so that date would be important. This isn't based off a real myth, but listening to that song (I love Ingrid Michaelson, too) just kind of got my brain working, and this was the result.

Thank you so, so much for the kind words, and I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. This review has made my week!

Ellie


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Review #28, by writeyourheartoutMerry Christmas: The Winter Air

30th December 2013:
Hello there! I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge that's taking place on the forums, and today you and your story fit the criteria! I've also been meaning to review all of the Writer's Duel entries, so I'm killing two birds with one stone! Yay! ^.^

A very cute story! Very romantic and fluffy and almost fairytale-ish! The setting was beautiful and I'm pretty sure most girls would enjoy finding themselves in a similar scenario as Eleanor!

Speaking of, I liked your OC! I think you have a good grasp on who she is and did a really good job at remaining consistent with her throughout the story. The way her pureblood upbringing affects her life was really interesting to see, and I liked that she didn't seem too stuck in the rules of what's expected of a pureblood woman. I thought Sirius was very in character as well; witty and mischievous and with that casual elegance and arrogance. I thought that he and Eleanor fit well together, playing off one another's sarcasm and both trying hard to seem nonchalant about the other. They were cute together and very fun to read about!

I really enjoyed the way you described the room that Mrs. Potter set up for the party. Some great imagery in there!

"What could have possibly started as an innocent kiss under the mistletoe, had turned into a sordid game of tonsil hockey." - LOL This line made me chuckle. Tonsil hockey. hahaha

Some critiques:

So you switch tenses a lot throughout the story. In fact, the majority of the first half is in present tense, while the majority of the second half is in past tense. Here's a good example: "I coward away, drawing closer to Sirius' side subconsciously (all present tense). I'd bumped (past tense) into him before I could stop myself. I moved (past tense) away slightly, feeling claustrophobic at his touch, as he turned (past tense) around and noticed my small petite figure against his tall, broad one." Because it's sort of evenly distributed throughout the story, you can easily choose to go with one or the other, whichever you prefer, but just make sure that whichever you go with you stay consistent with!

"On such a cold night, my breath could be seen condensing in the winter breeze air as my family and I made our way to the big wooden oak doors." - Really pretty sentence, but when you say 'winter breeze air', I think you only need either breeze or air - both together sounds a little redundant. Same with 'wooden oak doors' - oak is really just a type of wood, so using both words to describe the door is unnecessary.

""Oh Sarah it's good to see you(,)" Mrs Potter greets, kissing my mother affectionately on both cheeks." - You do this pretty consistently throughout the story: forget to put a punctuation mark of some kind at the end of a quote.

""It's good to see you Caroline(,)" My (my, not My) father reply (replies, not reply), similarly kissing both cheeks affectionately."

"... and dimly light (lit, not light)..."

"Already were they (Already there were, not Already were they) couples snogging each other's faces off, as if their lives depended on it."

There are actually quite a lot of little grammatical and spelling errors throughout the otherwise very good story, so I would maybe suggest finding a beta who specializes in grammar/punctuation/spelling - all the technical details, just to help clean it up! It'll take your story to a whole other level, which will be great because it's already so good!

Anyway, overall I enjoyed this very much! Good luck in the Writer's Duel! Happy Holidays!

Author's Response: Oh wow, this is honestly the most helpful review I've come by. I'm really glad you liked the story and that the basis is there. I do plan to go back once to queue reopens and fix all the things. Some I picked up myself, others I noticed from yours and others critics. Thankyou very much for the detailed review, because I'm really keen to grow as a writer. Happy Holidays to you, and a Happy New Year as well! May 2014 bring joy to you and others. :)

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Review #29, by writeyourheartoutBroken Silence: Long Nights

30th December 2013:
Curie! Hi! You only have six stories on your page, so I'm here reviewing you for the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge on the forums! Also, I've been meaning to review all of the Writer's Duel entries, and what a bonus that I also have the chance to read some of your writing in return for all the wonderful things you've said about my own! Yay! Let's get started! :-D

Ah, this was so sad! That prompt four, man, it really made for some darker stories! I really enjoyed the angle you took this story; where something so joyous and romantic turned into something so upsetting! Of course, it makes me want to punch Dominique in the face, but hey - at least you're evoking emotions, right? :-p

Teddy and Victoire I found very sweet. I feel so badly for them that they're meant to be experiencing some of the happiest moments of their lives right now, but it's been ripped away from them because her sister is bitter and angry and jealous. I don't know that much about next gen characters or how your versions of these three compare to others, but I really enjoyed them all. Teddy is such a sweetheart for his tracking Victoire down and not leaving her alone, and I personally love that he couldn't keep himself from proposing any longer! When you love somebody that much and you want to spend your life with them so badly that you can't wait any longer, it's just very romantic. It's really too bad that he didn't get to enjoy the moment really at all. Only the one memory of "She had been so happy then. Her eyes dancing, the fire in her eyes lit with elation." (Love this line, by the way.) And Victoire cares so much about her sister to let her little temper tantrum destroy her so deeply. You would think that for Victoire to care so deeply about Dominique's feelings, Dominique in return would care enough about Victoire to suck up her sadness and congratulate her sister. But unfortunately, a lot of relationships tend to see this sort of one-sided-ness.

Dominique... Gah, what a brat, amiright? I mean, first off, she shouldn't be taking out her own relationship issues on Teddy and Victoire in the first place, but the fact that she actually blames Victoire for -getting- proposed to, like she's the one who did it, just shows the level of crazy Dom is at in this moment. "How could you do this to me, Vic?!" She's not doing it to you, Dom; she's saying yes for herself and for Teddy! Ah, she's such a Grinch, ruining Christmas. :-p

I think you did a really good job at flipping between Victoire and Teddy's thoughts! They're sort of these small POV changes that were both easy to follow and didn't require those annoying announcements of *So-and-So's POV*. Kudos to you, my friend!

I love the third to last paragraph that talks about Victoire and Dominique's childhood traditions in regards to the snow. It's very prettily written and so sweet. :)

I just have a few small critiques!:

"She couldn't bring herself to say something, she didn't know what to say." - This sentence is a little wonky; it doesn't quite sit right. I think just a few of the word choices and the phrasing don't allow it to flow as smoothly as it should. I think it would read more fluidly reworded similar to this: "She couldn't bring herself to say anything, for there was nothing to be said."

"The only thing she wanted to do was continue her search, but she was tired and her search so far was just as she had expected: futile." - I really like this line! My only tweak is that the twice used phrase 'her search' sounds a little repetitive so close together. I would try to substitute one of them for something else.

"She spat (present tense) out her older sister's name, a mocking tone seeped (past tense) into her voice." - You flipped tenses here. The majority of your story seems to be in present tense, though, so I would edit the 'seeped' to fit correctly.

"'Of course they were in vain!' She (she, not She) thought, bitterly." - (In the story, that first part is italicized, but Idk how to do it in a review! LOL) I think with these internal thoughts, you can get away with simply italicizing, and not both italicizing and putting them in single quotes. It would be just as easy to follow for us readers and I think it would just be more aesthetically pleasing, is all! But it's up to you! :-p

Anyway, overall I really enjoyed this, Curie! I think you did a really good job with prompt four and I'm excited to see the results of the competition! Congratulations on a great entry! *hugs*

xTanya

Author's Response: Thank you so much! :D Haha, yeah! Very happy to be evoking emotions! :D

I'm so glad that you understood the idea behind it. Ive got a few reviews where they've said that they didn't get some of the ideas, so, this was very reassuring! :D Yeah, Dom is a bit of a drama queen...

Thank you so much! This is the best writing I've done, not the plot and etc, but the actual style :)

Thanks so much for the CC! I really really appreciate that! I'll change it in the next edit! :D Thanks so much! I'm so glad u liked it!! :D

Thanks for a fantabulous review, Tanya!

-Curie :)


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Review #30, by writeyourheartoutCold as the Sea: Cold

29th December 2013:
Hello there! I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge that's taking place on the forums! Today I am meant to review stories starring Hagrid, and can I just say that I am beyond thrilled that yours is one of the ones I came across! This was just an absolute pleasure to read.

Right from the top with that opening paragraph: Wow. Gorgeous descriptions. It's immediate how talented a writer you are, and it only becomes more apparent the further I read along.

I love the topic you chose to write about. Missing moments from canon are always really cool to read about in fanfiction, but I've never read one about Hagrid's stay in Azkaban; and to be honest, I never really even thought about what it must have been like for him before today! I thought you did a brilliant job at not only describing Azkaban itself, but in the exploration of memories that would be replaying themselves in Hagrid's minds; of the painful things in his past most likely to haunt him in his cell. This feels so very canon in its choices. I loved it.

"Don't think, or they'll steal that away too - along with your freedom." - Ah, what a poignant line. It's so heartbreaking to think of Hagrid in a place such as this, wrongfully accused and punished. And oh God, the whole back and forth between the version of Hagrid fighting to stay in his right mind versus the Hagrid being affected by the Dementor's and the thoughts they provoke is just so heart-wrenching! It's such a terrible internal struggle to be faced with, and the entire time I can't help but think that he's going to lose this battle and succumb to the devastation more often than not. And sure enough... :-( So heart-breaking.

This whole sea analogy that is weaved throughout the fic is just perfect; it fits so perfectly every time you bring it back to that. Like when Hagrid thinks, "Keep your head above the water." or, "Fighting is useless. You'll just sink faster." And that final line: "There was no escape from the sea." There are a handful of other examples I could use, each as flawlessly integrated as the next. I love the cleverness of it all. It's just wonderful.

So, before I wrap this review up, I have to tell you this: When this story began, it was immediately captivating and beautifully written and perfectly constructed, but I didn't feel as though I could really relate to the subject of being thrown into a jail cell in the middle of the sea surrounded by soul-sucking creatures (naturally, because there is not actually a place quite like that in the real world). Not that not relating to the story line really matters all that much, especially when it's written as beautifully as this was. But then you twisted everything I thought I knew right at the end with this line: "There was almost a perverse pleasure in the prospect of sinking into the pain." All of a sudden, at the very end of this story, I suddenly felt like I could understand Hagrid's pain in some way. That line, how you said that, is such a human way of thinking sometimes - usually when we are at our worst. It can become so easy to just drown in our sorrows rather than to fight our way out of it, and obviously Hagrid has a lot less of a choice given his location, but still. That line just clicked everything into place for me and reminded me of all the times I was faced with hardships and found it almost comforting to sink into the darkness rather than fight for the light. I'm not sure I'm even making any sense, but I just had to tell you that I thought your story was stunning the first time through, and just absolutely brilliant on a whole other level the second time.

Grammatically, structurally, and all of that fun stuff, the entire story was perfection. In fact, the only mistake I found at all was in your Author's Note where you spelled 'feeling' 'fealing'! LOL And speaking of your Author's Note: it is not too much; it is not overloaded; it is perfect. Your hard work certainly paid off.

I have no critiques. This was wonderful. :)

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Review #31, by writeyourheartoutSpiders, Dragons, and Love: Spiders, Dragons, and Love

29th December 2013:
Hello there! I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge that's taking place on the forums! Today I am meant to review stories starring Hagrid, and I am so glad I stumbled across yours!

I love the decision to have this fic set from the Mirror of Erised's POV! Very cool! And I think it's incredible how distinct of a personality you gave it; so much character! It has such a strong voice throughout the entire story and it seems so animate, so truly alive! This may sound weird, but the mirror almost reminds me of the personality of a dog! LOL Very hyper and energetic and so eager to please and be paid attention to. What's more is that you actually made me feel really bad for it! Poor lonely Mirror of Erised, always being hidden away from onlookers...

You've done a great job with all of the canon characters here as well! Even though we only see Harry and Dumbledore for a bit, they were both perfectly in character in both their dialogue and their descriptions. I loved when the Mirror compared the two of them to one another based on what each sees - their lost families. Drawing that parallel between their two deepest desires really struck a chord with me; so many feels.

Hagrid was great. It's certainly believable that he would see some magnificent magical creatures and a beautiful woman to settle down with in his reflection, and the discovery of those visions being untrue was a really wonderful scene. I loved how slowly and analytically he seemed to approach what was happening in his reflection, being cautious with his approach. The moment that really broke my heart was when he was trying to reach out and touch the woman of his dreams but couldn't and said, "This 's no' real," - True. Sad. Perfect.

"Somehow, I cannot help but feel this is the last time Professor Dumbledore will talk to me." - Why does this make me so sad? :-( There were actually a handful of great, poignant one-liners throughout the story that melted my heart each time. I think the reason they worked so well is because you gave the Mirror such an innocent persona, so its sadness really lands hard.

"Fitting the two of them into my mirror image is a stretch, but I can do it." - hahaha This line made me chuckle. I love the Mirror's personality. Too funny.

I only have a few critiques!:

One thing I notice you do quite often is switch between the past and present tense. Here's a great example of it: ""Yeh asked me ter mee' yeh 'ere, Professor Dumbledore?" Hagrid asked (past tense), his beady little black eyes looking at my direction and then immediately back to Dumbledore. Even though it is (present tense) dreadfully late at night, Hagrid was (past tense) wearing a long, red shirt covered by a moleskin vest and some of the furriest pants and boots I have (present) ever seen." So you switched back and forth between past and present tense four times just in this little section. Personally, I would try to stick to present tense, because I think that's what makes your mirror feel so personable, but whatever you prefer, make sure you're only using one tense!

"Next I told him about the spider he always wanted." - This line I'm not too sure about, only because Hagrid did (and at this point in time still does) have a spider: Aragog. He got to raise him for a bit inside of the castle, but after Tom Riddle tried to blame Aragog for being the beast that killed Moaning Myrtle, he ran off and hid in the Forbidden Forrest, where Hagrid still visits not only Aragog, but all of his thousands of children as well.

"I assume they are dead, because he nearly cries every time he *sees thinks of them." - *sees thinks of them? I assume you either meant one or the other, or you meant to say 'he nearly cries every time he sees or thinks of them.'

"...Hagrid asked, his beady little black eyes looking at (in, not at) my direction and then immediately back to Dumbledore."

"Who knows how long it will be before someone comes to see me again." - This is a question, not a statement; question mark, not period.

Overall, I really very much so enjoyed this! That last line! Gah, break my heart, why don't you? It's so perfect, but so deeply upsetting! I just want to hunt down the Mirror of Erised myself and give it a hug! I can't believe you've made me feel so strongly for an inanimate object; it's crazy! This was just wonderful to read. So cute and sweet and sad and lovely and I'm so happy I stumbled upon it. Yay! :)

Author's Response: I hadn't heard of the 12 days of reviewing deal, but I'm so glad it existed! :D Thank you so much for stopping by this story and giving it a chance! It has made my day and I love being surprised like this! I'm so happy that you loved it and thank you for pointing out bits I didn't catch before. My biggest flaw in any of my writing is my tense verbs. I don't really know why .

Thank you again so much! It really did make me smile and I hope the story did the same to you!


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Review #32, by writeyourheartoutRumors to Keep Secret: Their Secrets Keep

29th December 2013:
Hi Kay! I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge over on the forums and was so glad to find not only a story that fit today's criteria - a story starring Hagrid - but that was also written by a friend and was really enjoyable! Lucky me, huh? ^.^

Wow. Just... what an obscurely perfect scenario you've concocted here. Like, I can't even understand what has just happened. It feels like my brain has been rewired to ship Hagrid/Myrtle. LOL I just adore what you did with them, both as individuals and as a pairing!

Hagrid is exactly as he should be, I think; a bit of an outcast, pining for another outcast, kind and gentle and caring and immediately prepared to run to Myrtle's aid at the first sign of trouble. The way he sees Myrtle is just so perfectly written, to the point where I wonder how I never saw it for myself because it feels so very canon now.

The first few paragraphs have to be my favorite things of the entire story, to be honest. It ended up being really sad to see Myrtle from Hagrid's perspective in this! She's always alone, she gets teased so much that she doesn't believe his compliments, he eventually becomes her first friend; it makes me feel so badly for her! It's almost strange to think that way because she's so annoying in the books! haha I think it's wonderful that you could offer us such a new, refreshing, and heartbreaking side of her that also weaves into canon in a believable and intriguing way.

"He was her first friend. She was his first love." - I love this moment. Hagrid is too sweet in this. Honestly, it's just a great relationship to have written a story around. You did a great job with them, Kay! Kudos!

One thing I did notice, though, is that you tend to start a lot of sentences in the same way; so much so that it actually becomes quite repetitive in places. The further I read, the more I realized that almost every sentence in this story starts either with the words He, She, His, Her, or somebody's name. A great example of this is in the section starting with the line, "He walked out of the Great Hall searching for her-" and ending with the line, "She sat in the stall for hours on end." Of the 15 sentences between those two lines, 10 of them start with the word 'He' and the other 5 start with the word 'She'. It just becomes too repetitive, is all. Playing around with the opening words to sentences will add a nicer variety, I think!

Something else I noticed is that there were a handful of times when I felt you rushed through certain moments that I would have liked to see expanded upon a bit more. For example: After Hagrid learns about Myrtle dying, he doesn't really seem to grieve at all, far too concerned with the idea that he was being blamed and not that the girl he loves has just been killed. I think by skipping how he took this news, you missed a great opportunity to break our hearts a bit with some description emotions about his loss; maybe a panic about whether or not she would choose to become a ghost and if he would be able to talk to her still, at least. Anything would have been nice here, but you sort of skipped over the entire ordeal. The ending felt very abrupt as well. All of that said, however, I still enjoyed myself the whole way through, so I suppose it's not that big of a deal! :-p

Some typo's/grammatical errors:

"But as the years past (passed, not past) she grew fond of him and the guarded girl let him into her life."

"He maybe (may be, not maybe) her best friend, but he was still a person."

"Olive had said really set her off this time and Myrtle had missed two classes before someone was sent to try to find her." - I think you forgot to put the word 'What' at the beginning of this sentence.

"People had started to avoid that bathroom just incase (in case, not incase) she was there. Olive checked ever (every, not ever) floor before that one(,) wanting to be out of class for as long as possible."

"Hagrid knew that Myrtle deserved so much more then (than, not then) what she got."

Overall, I really enjoyed this! I adore the pairing and the way you fit it so perfectly into canon! I'm glad I stumbled upon in it my search for Hagrid-centric stories! Great job, Kay! :-D

Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review. I'm currently working on expanding it a little bit more to show just how much this affected both Hagrid and Myrtle.

I read this a few weeks back and cringed at how repetitive it is. I'm really glad that you enjoyed it, it's one of my babies. I think it's really ready to grow up a little bit though.


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Review #33, by writeyourheartoutOperation Mistletoe: Operation Mistletoe

28th December 2013:
*waves* Hi Cal! :-D

So I'm trying to both compete in the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge as well as review all of the Writer's Duel entries, and your story fits both categories today, so here I am! Yay! ^.^

After reading this story for the second time now, I just have to say this: Aww, Cal! You're such a romantic little sweety-pie fluffy bunny teddy bear softy at heart, aren't you? hehehe How many times did I just make you cringe? ;)

Really, though, this was adorable.

First off, I think you did a great job balancing all four Marauder's. They played off of each other really well, in the opening scene especially, and were all not only in character, but distinctive from one another. The only moment I wasn't completely sold on was during the second half of the first section; I thought perhaps Remus was just a bit too temperamental in it. I definitely think he would be as against the catch-Lily-under-the-mistletoe plan as you made him, but he doesn't strike me as the guy who 'storms off' over something relatively minor, like James planning out a new prank involving Lily - something that's probably pretty routine to him at this point. But really, every other moment I was completely sold on! And your Lily was very fitting as well, I thought! :)

Peter's role in this story is something I greatly appreciated. I love that you not only involved him in the story (something that a lot of people don't bother doing), but that you also made him an asset to the Marauders! He's not simply a bumbling buffoon who doesn't seem to fit in at all with the other three, but instead he contributes to James' plan in a pretty major way right at the top! He's also the person who suggests the Marauder's Map as a tool to find Lily, even if it doesn't pan out. It's really good to see him being used in a way that actually highlights the good side of him. It's so easy to forget that Peter was not always the man he turns out to be in the canon books. Kudos to you!

James is pretty darn great in this too, I have to say. He's funny and charming and arrogant and scheming, but we also get to see how good of a heart he truly does have beneath all of that other stuff! The moment when he realizes he would never forgive himself for stealing a kiss from Lily that she clearly doesn't want to happen and he walks away from the golden opportunity is just lovely. That was probably my favorite moment in the entire story, to be honest. Just very bittersweet in a very accurate and believable way. :)

One of my other favorite bits was at the end of the library scene when James says "It's like magic!" LOL Too funny (as is the entire scene leading up to it). I really do adore the balance of humor and sentiment you created throughout. It's a really enjoyable story, Cal!

There were a decent amount of little typo's and grammatical slips, however. I know you wrote this in a hurry and quite last-minute, so overlooked grammatical errors are only natural, but I thought I'd point a few out to you while I'm here!:

""Give it a rest(,) Mooney (Moony, not Mooney)," one of them was saying with a dramatic roll of the eyes."

"You'd do well to study a bit more yourself(,) Sirius."

"It's more of an obsession really(,) James,"

"Hey Evans," Sirius drawled. "How you going (doing, not going)?"" - This line cracked me up. Sirius reminds me of Joey from the tv series 'Friends' so much here. hahaha *has no idea if you'll understand the reference*

"A hint of tears was forming and helpless fury." - This whole sentence is a bit wonky, to be honest. Not really sure what you meant to say.

Anyway, I pointed out just a few of the missing comma moments above, but there were a good amount more of them in the story, so should you ever decide to edit, I would pay close attention to the comma's over anything else, cause the rest of the story was really great! The characters, the plot, the humor, the sentiment: it all worked wonderfully! I really love that this entire story has this great, light humor to it that leads to this really sweet and touching finale. The entire story was enjoyable from start to finish and, even though you're my direct competition, I wish you the best of luck with the Writer's Duel! ^.^

Author's Response: Tanya! You are marvellous! Such a detailed, lovely review! Thank you!

Yeah... Looks like a beta is compulsory for me in future. They will definitely be fixed soon. As for the "How you going?" I think that might be more of an Aussie phrase but essentially is the same as doing. I'll have to fix that up as well. And yes, I definitely understand your Friends reference. It was undeniably part of the inspiration but I imagined it not quite as flirty as Joey, bit more amused haha :D

I really appreciate all your praise, though I'm not sure how to respond to it all as mostly it's just a massive grin when reading it and no words come to mind. Even if you are making me a bit paranoid with my myriad mistakes ;). Haha, don't worry, it makes me feel very warm inside. Thank you again! *squish*

P.S. A lot of cringing took place ;)


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Review #34, by writeyourheartoutLoved One Lost: Loved One Lost

28th December 2013:
Hey there! So I'm trying to both compete in the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge as well as review all of the Writer's Duel entries, and your story fits both categories today, so here I am! Yay! ^.^

I thought this was very cute and a truly unique spin on the fourth prompt! Of the prompt four stories I've read thus far, yours is the only one to take the route of making the photograph a picture of a pet, and I thought you made it fit just perfectly! It's funny, I got maybe a quarter of the way through the story when I had this feeling that the 'baby' that was missing was not quite human... hahaha Actually, I thought what was happening is Ron and Hermione had adopted a dog and it had run away, so I was on the right track! What a cute surprise when it turned out to be Crookshanks! hahaha

Prompt four is so interesting; it makes for these really dark beginning's. I loved that yours ended on a much happier and funnier note, though! The ending had me laughing, that's for sure. I can't believe he was in the tree the whole time! I have a cat and know how much they love a good old Christmas tree! And the way in which said tree ended up being summoned across the room along with Crookshanks was the perfect ending; just a really light-hearted, goofy moment that left me with a smile on my face!

I thought all of your characterization was good, too. This line from Ron is just too perfect: "I'm going to Accio that ruddy cat. Accuse me of not caring. I nearly froze my fingers and toes off this afternoon. Eight hours of searching in the freezing cold and she tells me I don't care for that mangy cat." hahaha That's so Ron. I think Hermione's reaction to that was spot-on as well. Also, it was nice to see them getting along and comforting one another in the beginning; I don't read a lot of Ron/Hermione stories, so I'm not used to seeing them as a happy couple, but it was sweet to read about! Harry and Ginny, though small parts, fit in really nicely as well, and I thought all of their actions felt appropriate; from the comforting Hermione about Crookshanks to the laughing about the Christmas tree chaos. hehehe Very good. :)

I have to admit, though, that I was a little confused about this: "They only had their backs turned for a few minutes before her baby took off." - So this sentence implies that Hermione actually saw Crookshanks run away, and not that she simply assumed the worst after realizing that the door had been left opened, which doesn't make perfect sense to me because, if that's the case, how did Crookshanks get back in? I think that if Hermione really did watch Crookshanks run off, then you might want to consider adding a small bit that explains how Crookshanks may have ended up back inside when Ron and Hermione weren't even home to let him back in. I actually didn't catch this line until my second read through, and the first time I read it I thought Hermione had just jumped to conclusions and went on a wild goose chase because she was simply thinking the worst and not because she actually saw it happen. Anyway, I'm just a bit confused about the details; I would try to clear that up a bit!

Some other small critiques:

There are a handful of moments throughout the story that I found a little repetitive. One example: "Ron wrapped his arms around her. He completely enveloped her in his arms blocking the harsh winter wind." - Even though they are phrased in separate ways, you basically say that Ron hugged Hermione twice here, and the second time is unnecessary. It would make more sense and give the story a cleaner flow if you maybe combined these two sentences into one. Something like: "Ron wrapped his arms around Hermione, enveloping her completely and blocking the harsh winter wind." It still encompasses everything you said, but without repeating. Does that make sense?

"She was sure the (that, not the) Crookshanks would be fine outside in the nasty winter weather. His coat was a (as, not a) thick as anything she had to wear."

"She opened the door to Crook shanks (Crookshanks', not Crook shanks) room and heard Ron talking loudly with Harry and Ginny."

""I wanted to check back to see if you found him," he said(,) opening the front door to their little house."

"Here(,) drink this, Hermione."

""Hey, did you find him?" said (asked, not said) Harry(,) as he stepped through the kitchen door."

""Happy Christmas(,) Ron," she said cheerfully."

Overall I thought this story was really adorable and I liked the progression from sad and heavy to lighthearted and funny! The plot was original and memorable and I wish you the best of luck in the Writer's Duel! :-D

Author's Response: Thank you for the review.
To further explain why Hermione thought her baby had taken off, I would have needed to reveal that she was missing her cat. Any lines that indicated she searched or called for her baby would have been a direct indication of it being a cat. I supposed many canny people would realize that Hermione would never go outside with Ron and leave her child unattended in the house.
M.V.


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Review #35, by writeyourheartoutSecond Choice: End Of Term Feast

27th December 2013:
I am so happy I stumbled upon this novella! I was searching for stories that had a feast involved (because of a little review competition over on the forums) and I was searching for a while trying to find one that not only fit the theme, but that was also enjoyable to read and preferably had fewer reviews than it deserved. Yours couldn't have fit more perfectly! Again, I'm so glad to have found this one. :)

The opening few lines are just so lovely! The imagery is breathtaking and makes me wish I too could be alone with my thoughts in the solitude of that forest you described! The sunlight, the new leaves, the softness; I envy it! Beautiful descriptions.

I love this line: "I know he has the capacity to love, his heart is a big as any I have ever come across but he tries to give everyone a little piece so there is never any left over for just one special girl." It gives a bit of insight as to who James is through Eloise's eyes in such a bittersweet way; just lovely.

I think you did a really good job with giving us background information on the character's and their relationships with one another without ever making it sound too explain-y. I hate when I read stories and the first chapters are just these long-winded paragraphs that tell you who's who and what's what rather than showing us; it's boring and unnecessary when the author just tells us what they could much more effectively show us. You found a really great balance between the two, though, I think.

I adore your OC, Eloise. I think she seems incredibly sweet and kind and is very, very likable. I feel that most OC's these days tend to take on this very loud, witty, sarcastic, and somewhat obnoxious persona and I've honestly grown quite tired of that personality type, so it's great to read about a much more subdued OC! I also love that she's got a pretty voracious appetite and that it actually SHOWS! She's got a bit of fat on her and that's kind of really awesome to see! Kudos! And can I just say - and this is totally biased of me, but - I love that your MC is a Hufflepuff! It's so great to see a well-represented Puff being written about in such a great light, too! Not to mention most of the other main character's involved are Puffs too! A very refreshing array of details here; I love it. ^.^

All of that said, however, I would also have to say that while the writing itself is very pretty and lovely throughout the entire chapter, there were a handful of places where the grammar and sentence structure did get a little wonky and it would break up the otherwise beautiful flow of the story. It seems to be a mix of not knowing when to and when to not use comma's, semi-colons, and periods in a handful of places, and it simply disrupts the fluidity of the story when I have to reread a sentence due to odd phrasing.

Here's a good example of that: "I never was a morning person what makes Alice think anything has changed?" - There are two pretty distinct sets of thought in this sentence that really need at least a semi-colon separating them. Without it, they combine into one stream-lined thought that reads very oddly when stuck altogether like that. Something like this: "I never was a morning person; what makes Alice think anything has changed?" or this: "I never was a morning person. What makes Alice think anything has changed?" gives the reader a little more guidance and keeps the story nice and fluid! Those sorts of bumps could be found in quite a few places throughout the chapter. I hope that makes sense!

I found a few other little errors scattered about as well that I thought I'd point out for you:

"...he never seemed to get to (too, not to) emotionally involved with any of them."

"We have been friend(s) ever since our first year..."

"...I roll over and burry (bury) my head under my pillow..."

""That depends... What is it in honour off (of, not off)?""

"He pulls a face and does (not) answer."

"...there must be something wrong with me to spends (spend, not spends) so much time with..."

Even with those few critiques, overall this chapter was honestly a pleasure to read! I think you have a really lovely writing style and a really unique set of characters that I hope to explore further when I get the chance to read on! It's a really great foundation and I look forward to continuing on with the story (which is honestly saying a lot because I never read Next Gen stories, but you've got me hooked)! Yay!

Happy Holidays! ^.^

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Review #36, by writeyourheartoutLove has no Limits: Love has no Limits

22nd November 2013:
Hiya! I'm finally here with your review! :-D

So I love the moment you've chosen! I really love reading about missing moments from the HP books, and I've never read about this one before, but I'm glad you requested it! To be honest, I think the majority of it is quite plausible! Now, in your message to me you mentioned how this was your worst one-shot and that the characters were really OOC, etc., but considering it's also the first fanfic your ever wrote, you should be really proud of yourself! Also, I don't think the majority of the characterizations were OOC at all! Yeah, there are a few moments which I'll touch a bit on later, but I'm gonna put my concentration on the things you did really well and on some grammatical things specifically! So let's do this!

I like the way the story is introduced, with us getting to see how much life for those three has changed now that they've sort of become the leaders of the Hogwarts rebellion. I think it's probably exactly how they were feeling and I liked the line Ginny says comparing themselves to what Harry was always dealing with.

I also really like the moment where Neville is pretending to read the Quibbler upon Luna's influence. It's just like her to expect others to share her interest in the farfetched and just like Neville to comply, even if he's not particularly into it. The plant article was a nice touch, too; it shows how Luna and Neville have truly become closer over the years, understanding each others interests. Some more good characterization moments that stood out: The line about the Carrows in their brief moments of reference and how they've been treating students (the poorly healing cut on Neville's face speaks volumes); Neville's struggle with his new-found leadership role and the guilt he feels when things go wrong; Ginny's fierceness on Neville's behalf; Luna's good luck bracelet speech, etc. Really, there are a lot of great characterization moments!

That said, now I'm only going to point out a few that stuck out to me as OOC: I don't know if I'm sold on Neville killing a Death Eater in this situation. I think he's sort of like Harry, who even in his own life-or-death situations will still fight with Expelliarmus over Avada Kedavra. Neville has an even gentler nature (even if by this book he's grown to be much more strong and gruff), and I think taking someone's life - especially given the location - isn't quite fitting. With that said, even though I do think it's a stretch, I thought you wrote the resulting reactions to it very well. It really is almost believable, but I'm simply not entirely sold. Also, Ginny and Luna both have meltdowns that, while most girls would absolutely react this way, I don't know that either of them would. But all of that is just my opinion!

Now some grammar:

"As a punishment for Neville, they performed the cruciates curse on him during dinner, he didn't make a sound though even though it was clear how much pain he was in." - You misspelled Cruciatus Curse (a few times throughout the story) and it should always be capitalzed! Also, you used double though's surrounding the word 'even'. Plus, this should really be two separate sentences, not one.

""Now I know what it's like to be Harry." said Ginny." - Something I notice you do a lot is put a period at the end of a quote where it should really be a comma. If you put a period at the end of the quote, the next sentence needs to stand on it's own and start with a capital letter.

"He had his head resting against the window, flicking half heartedly flicking through the Quibbler, and glancing out of the frosty window as the train *speed (sped) by snowy fields and dark, intimidating mountains." - You wrote the word 'flicking' twice, surrounding 'half heartedly' (which should be spelled halfheartedly).

"...you couldn't of done it yourself," - 'couldn't have', not 'couldn't of'. Again here: "I should *of (have) made Barry a good luck bracelet, I had all the ingredients, including the Pixie wings!" - Is ingredients really the right word here? That generally applies to food and potion making; creating an object like a bracelet would make more sense to say 'materials'.

"Well Neville, I just thought that because *your holding Luna's hand that maybe you know.." - *you're, not your. Is that meant to be a period or an ellipses?

You confuse the words 'of' and 'off' a few times throughout the story, as well as 'to' and 'too'.

""I'm not sure," said Ginny said," - Said Ginny said?

"You WILL NOT touch her" Neville screamed, stepping forward and leaving very little room between himself and the Death Eaters. "OR someone WILL get hurt."" - Instead of capslock, I would use italics to emphasize certain words; it tends to look more aesthetically pleasing without compromising the seriousness behind the words.

"She wouldn't be able to cope if Neville died on them now. *Now (not) when they needed a leader." - Also, this should be one sentence, not two; combine with a semi-colon.

How do Seamus and Ginny know about Neville's parents when earlier you mention how it was special for Luna to be told?

"*Relieving (reliving) the moment, where the flash of green had killed Dolohov." - This sentence is incomplete on its own and should be attached to the previous sentence using a semi-colon.

So as you can see, the majority of issues with this story is actually just the technical stuff rather than the characterizations, which is easy enough to fix! I would simply suggest a beta who specializes in grammar, spelling and punctuation, because other than that this story is really great! The plot, the characters and their characterization, the Neville/Luna pairing, the drama - it's all working, but it's being undercut by the technical details!

Lastly, I love the ending where he finds the earring! So sad and sweet and a perfect way to wrap the one-shot up! Overall it was enjoyable and I hope this review has been helpful! *hugs*

Author's Response: Hi, sorry I took so long to respond to this review but I wanted to respond properly and I finally have the time!

I'm happy you liked the moment, I think if J.K was going to write any missing moment from the series I would want it to be this one!

The Neville/Luna moments were my favourite to write so it's good you've picked up on them! :P

Honestly when I wrote this I didn't have a clue how fanfiction worked so I thought it wouldn't matter to much about Neville killing a DE but I realise that it is unlikely. So I can't really defend it but at the same time it was awesome to write and it's this idea that got me writing fanfiction so I like it at the same time. I really do understand how it seems unlikely.

Also Ginny and Luna having meltdowns probably isn't the way they would react, but I hope people can enjoy it for what it is if they read it! :)

Thanks for all your CC, I really am going to go through and edit this because I feel like it is incomplete at the moment.

Thanks so much for reviewing this so detailed and I feel so bad that my response is going to look tiny in comparison to your review, but I really appreciate it!

*hugs!*

Cannons!


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Review #37, by writeyourheartoutRomanian Romance: Of Ridgebacks and Redheads

21st November 2013:
Hi! I made it! Yay! Sorry again about the delay! Stupid wisdom teeth! ^.^

Anyway, starting right from the top: I love the way this story begins! The tour guide speech is so perfectly accurate as far as characterization goes - she was just spot on; I felt like I was on that same tour with the others! haha And I think it's brilliant how quickly the action begins, too! It was really captivating and clever having us thrown into such a high intensity situation right off the bat and tracing it with some light humor as well. Really well done.

On a similar note, the chapter as a whole is really great too! You threw us into this really cool, crazy situation that allowed the actions of every character to give them some definition, rather than having your OC/MC give this explanatory internal monologue! It bothers me so much when chapters are basically just "Let me tell you who I am! And while I'm at it, let me also tell you who everyone else is!" It's a really easy trap to fall into, especially when you're writing from a first person perspective, so you get double the points for steering clear! Kudos! *throws confetti*

There's some true originality taking place in this story that I have to mention! First off: I adore that Tommy (and presumably her group of friends/co-workers?) is Canadian! I've only ever seen American OC's if they're from outside the UK, and while it's a similar concept, it's different enough to not feel overused or cliche! Also, while you've only given us a pretty small amount of background information on Tommy and Co., I really enjoy what you've told us so far! They're here on a one-month assignment from their boss for a story, so presumably they're a reporting team - Tommy takes the pics, someone else maybe does video, someone else does interviews and pokes around for new information, etc - obviously your set-up may not actually be structured anything like that, but I still think it was a clever reason for why Tommy is away from home and in Romania.

One of my favorite moments was this here: "...Jensen would never let my baby fall." - You're probably laughing because it's such a small, seemingly insignificant line to point out, but I really think it speaks volumes. The fact that she calls her camera her 'baby' gave a brand new level to Tommy, in my opinion! Based on that line, I just have to assume that her camera is a huge part of her life; that taking pictures is not simply her job, but something she loves to do; that she's probably not only a good employee because she actually enjoys her job, but that she's passionate about doing it well. I hope I'm not way off! And if I am, you may want to change that line cause it otherwise gives a false impression! :-p Methinks you did it on purpose though. ^.^

All of that said, there are a few bits and pieces that I want to point out:

So a couple of times you've sort of double used a word in a sentence that then makes the sentence sound a bit repetitive: "The tour guide shrieked again and ran over to the *cage, quickly opening the *cage with a swish of her wand." - The double 'cage' here feels a little cramped; I'd consider changing the second one to the word 'door'. Another: "I gave the redhead one last look of contempt and then gave him an innocent smile. "Smile for the camera,"" - Double 'gave' and 'smile' makes it a bit choppy. I would maybe rewrite the first sentence to say something like "I gave the redhead one last look of contempt, followed almost immediately by an innocent grin. "Smile for the camera,"

"As the dragon swished *the tail, I felt my grip loosen but I held tight." - *his/its tail, not the.

As much as I love the opening tour guide speech, there was one part that felt a bit off: "We do have actual cages for the dragons we are currently tagging, but we will only be bypassing them today." - It just reads a little choppy, is all. I would consider creating contractions and maybe even inserting a reason for passing on the caged dragons: "We do have actual cages for the dragons currently being tagged, but due to a temporary maintenance issue, we'll be bypassing them for today."

"Having put the rope over my shoulder, I now only had my wand to deal with, but I had put it in my mouth." - This bit is just a little confusing. I think what you're trying to say is that with her wand in her hand, she would have a hard time climbing the dragon's back, and so she decided to put it in her mouth to free herself up. The 'but' is what's throwing off the meaning because it makes it sound like she didn't mean to put it in her mouth; that the wand being in her mouth was the problem, not the solution. I would instead say something like "I now only had my wand to deal with so, thinking quickly, I placed it securely in my mouth."

I love the Charlie/OC love/hate relationship that's forming. I think relationships like this are so fun to read about when written well! My only concern is that I think you may be toeing the line as far as making Tommy a bit of a Mary Sue. I like that she's sassy and strong and confident, but she was sort of immediately placed into the hero position and hardly struggled with the task at all, and that coupled with the way the story ended (her swinging her hips and Charlie watching her walk away) could mean she's on her way to falling into that category. However this is strictly me basing her off of chapter one! Just make sure you know the difference between an actual fault and a fault-that-isn't-really-a-fault, or she's going to continue feeling that way, I'm afraid! Please ignore this comment if future chapters already rectify C1's situation!

Overall I really enjoyed this! I've never read a Charlie/OC or a Canadian OC before and I think you've got a really great foundation for a handful of reasons! The small things I pointed out are still completely outweighed by all the good stuff going on, so congrats on a well-done beginning! *hugs* ^.^

Author's Response: Hello!

Yay! I'm so glad you like the tour guide. She's one of my favourites to be honest. :)
And I'm also super glad you liked the direct action! Yay for me!

I'm really glad you liked this story as well as my introduction to Tommy and (kind of) everyone else. And yay for confetti! (Confetti! It's a parade!)

And you liked the fact that Tommy was Canadian? Yay! I know what you mean about mostly American foreign OCs. That was a big reason to have Tommy be Canadian (and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm a purebred, home-grown and raised, proud Canadian, eh!), and I'm glad you caught the reporting team structure (ish). There's a photographer (Tommy), a writer (Ally), and an editor/jack of all trades (Jensen). So you were close! :)

And nope, not at all off at all concerning Tommy's love (*cough* obsession *cough*) with her camera. I wanted to make her someone who doesn't really appreciate anything unless she can stare at it through her lens, so yay! You-thoughtses right! :D

Eek! Typos! So sorry, I will get right on those. Thank you so much for pointing those out. I completely missed those! :S
And that part with the tour guide I completely understand! I will rectify such awkward stiffness immediately! As well as the rope part. I can definitely see where that could be confusing. And I will definitely keep your suggestion for that rewrite in mind since it flows very smoothly and nicely!

And go love/hate relationships! I love both reading and writing those (although reading them seems to be much easier :P)! As for Tommy, I'm trying to show she does have flaws in later chapters - namely vanity, over-confidence, and extreme stubbornness (to the point where it interferes with important matters) - so I hope that cancels out this preliminary Mary Sue feelings! But, I will definitely keep that comment in mind! :)

And yay! I'm glad you enjoyed this! And aw, good things outweighing bad things always makes me happy! Thank you so much for this wonderful review! It means the world! *hugs right back*

Lo :)


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Review #38, by writeyourheartoutGravel on the Ground: From the Ashes: Chapter 6

18th November 2013:
Girl, you are too talented.

First of all, how is it possible that you are always raving about how good my twins are when you are posting lines like this: "He turned to George, unspoken words of disgust passing between them. Jokes and pranks were one thing, but pain and cruelty were never funny."? I love how accurately you always portray them because you KNOW how picky I am with those two. Then again, you're as picky as I am, which I'm certain is exactly why you write them so flawlessly! hehehe Seriously though, right from the top we see Fred go through a series of emotions and actions (shock, anger, jealousy, quelled jealousy, worry, bravery and leadership, etc.) that all perfectly unravel in a very Fred-like way. As much as I adore the comedic side of the twins, it's just as fantastic to see them jump into action when the moment calls for it. I love seeing the twins be all fierce and whatnot. :-p

Part of me wants to say that if J.K. Rowling had written this, it probably would have been Fred leading the way and George holding Ginny's hand, but that's just me being a brat. ;) hehehe It's not my fault, though! Lying Josephine has me splitting the tiniest of hairs between the twins! I can't help it. I blame you and NaNo for making me write so much LJ recently, so there. ^.^

I really love that Ginny is the one to reach out for Sadie. It's such a small detail, but I always feel like when people are writing a romance story, when the MC needs help, it's always, always, always the romantic interest who offers it, so I like seeing Fred grab Ginny and Ginny grab Sadie.

"It was as if the world around them was holding its breath..." I love this line. Your writing is so fluid and has such great moments of poignancy, too, and this is one line in particular that stands out as being just very beautifully written and grabbing; it makes me hold my breath along with the story.

Bahaha! Those boys are too sneaky. It's so very much who they are to have a backup plan like that, and I love how you've twisted canon so perfectly to work in your favor on this scene! Honestly, I think it's quite possible that that's exactly what did happen, we just never saw it! hehehe

I really love the way you describe the differences with surprises between the twins and Sadie's worlds - jokes and pranks versus fear; it paints a clear and vivid picture of just how different their lives have been.

The first conversation with Sadie is really sweet and charming and exactly how I think Fred would handle that situation: by doing his best to relieve the tension of their circumstances with some light humor. He's very spot on in this moment and I look forward to less dramatic chapters where we get to see more of your comedic writing! And I know we discussed a little bit about ideas for how Fred and George would eventually help Sadie communicate, but I can't wait to see exactly how that all unfolds! We get to see a little foreshadowing here, but it'll be cool when the plan fully unravels. Also, this line perfectly sums up exactly why the twins are the two who need to do it: "How frustrating that must be, to not be able to make yourself understood!" Can you even imagine if Fred and/or George were in Sadie's position? LOL

The flashback is very heavy and sad, but well-written and gripping, as is the way the chapter ends when she comes back from the memory. Sometimes I think maybe the writing for these kinds of moments is a bit too tortured, and so it loses some of its power, but considering how heavy Sadie's past truly is, I think you've done a good job at balancing the dramatic writing without over-doing it.

"Or the sound of her own screams, until strange words were muttered and suddenly something seemed to wrap around her throat and even her screams were ripped away from her." - I love the way this sentence (and the flashback itself) is wrapped up, with the losing of her voice in a very cool, dramatic, and almost prettily put way (the writing itself being pretty, not the stuff that's happening! hehe). The beginning of the sentence and having it start with 'Or' is a little odd, but certainly not a deal-breaker. :-p

Your writing is as brilliant as ever, and other than the 'Or' thing, there was really only one additional moment that stood out as being a bit off:

""We'd just end up going in circles looking for them. I'm sure they're fine," he grumbled, wishing he'd thought of it first, but also knowing he couldn't drag Ginny into it." - I'm just a little confused by the 'wishing he'd thought of it first' line - what's he referring to exactly? This is probably just a me having a brain fart sort of thing, but I really did reread that section a few times to try and figure it out and I'm still not sure! haha

The chapter as a whole is really dynamic, I think! It starts out with this great high energy and quickly slows into some gentle humor to give it a break, and then ends with a dramatic flourish that leaves the readers wanting more! It's a little hard for me to be completely impartial as far as Sadie's past goes, seeing as I know a lot more about it already than most people, but I honestly believe that if I were a reader coming to this story for the first time, I'd be dying to know the details of who she is and what exactly happened to her! And since I do know a lot of it already, instead I get to look forward specifically to how beautifully you'll write it all out when the time comes! ^.^

It's a great story, farmgirl, and you are brilliant as ever.
Tanya :)

Author's Response: I don't know about the talented thing, but I've got the late thing down to an art! See me finally responding to this amazing review! You can throw things if you want. It's only fair.

I'm always raving about your twins because THEY ARE THE BEST! Or do you not remember how you sent me into hysterical laughter last night with your story? Hmmm?

I am glad you like my interpretation of them, though. I try, and I have good teachers like you to keep me centered. You know as well as I do that there is more to the twins than jokes, and I love when I get to explore those other qualities.

As for the leading and hand holding, part of you is probably right. JKR DID have Fred be the one to grab Ginny's hand - I was stuck with that as it was in the book and I was trying to stay to canon, but you're probably right on Fred leading the way. He is more of the leader than George. But I let them act out of character for once, giving George the lead since Fred was taking care of Ginny (and in my world, Sadie). See, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Glad I passed the "don't be to obvious with the romance to come" test by having Ginny grab Sadie instead of Fred. LOL.

Aw, and now I'm blushing. Thanks for the praise. Means SO much coming from you, Oh Masterful Writer! (I mean that!)

I'm actually having a lot of fun trying to stay within canon as much as I can, yet twist it to fit my story. And after writing this, I went, it makes sense! Because somehow those boys went from having Molly take all their stash, to selling stuff at school the next week. That seemed fishy to me, so I made a plan. LOL.

You like my comedic writing? I have comedic writing? Cool. Thanks! And yes, I don't intent this story to be completely angst full. I do plan some funny stuff.

And I'm so glad you liked Fred! You being the twin expert, getting approval from you on him is super cool!

Fred and George would go bonkers after 10 mins of not being able to communicate. Just sayin'.

I know the flashback was heavy, and I was worried it was too much, but it was such a horrible event I didn't want to cheapen it by brushing over it TOO lightly either. So, I did try to walk that very fine line. Hopefully I did okay.

Will watch out for those sentences that start with "or." *Makes notes* hehehe. Thanks for the compliment on the sentence. I'm still working on my writing, as you know, but sometimes I guess a little poetry sneaks into it.

The wishing he'd thought of it first part is him wishing he'd thought to double back and get messed up in the thick of the action before the Trio did. Probably could have written it clearer. Opsie. My bad.

Thanks for reviewing and keeping me going! You rock!

- Farmgirl


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Review #39, by writeyourheartoutOn Top of the World: I

24th September 2013:
Hi Leslie! I've come to review your story! Yay! ^.^

First off, I just have to say that this was so lovely. It was simple and sweet and just a very nice read.

One thing I loved was the way you wrote Victoire and Teddy, both as individuals and their relationship with one another. You captured their young, childhood innocence perfectly. I usually cringe when I read stories that have young kids being cute together, because the dialogue is usually just so... cringe-worthy! Ugh! hahaha I don't know how else to say it! It's usually far too corny and a bit annoying, honestly! And I understand that the author is trying to make the kids seem either young or a bit more mature for their age, but a lot of the times the kids either seem too young or too old or I just hate them so much for a million other reasons! LOL My actual point here being that I think you've done a wonderful job at capturing their age and their freedom and their innocence without being unrealistic or corny or even slightly cringe-worthy! I don't remember the last time I felt that way after reading young children in a fanfic! So thank you! You've restored my faith in stories with children! hehehe

The overall idea of the story was really wonderful as well. It's simple and straightforward, but I think almost anyone could read this and relate to both the childhood fantasies and the growing up and away from that part of themselves; trying to balance the past and the future. It made me very nostalgic, which is a great feeling for an author to evoke in their reader! Kudos!

All of that said, however, there were a few grammatical things here and there that I thought I'd share!

""I've got him!" shouted Teddy, brandishing a small branch; (comma, not semicolon) which was really a magnificent, gleaming silver sword with jewels encrusted on the handle." - This sentence is a bit wonky, mostly because of your use of the word 'really' when describing the sword. Because, 'really' - as in 'in actuality' - it IS a branch, not a sword. I think it would read smoother and make more sense if it said something like "shouted Teddy, brandishing a truly magnificent, gleaming silver sword with jewels encrusted on the handle, which in actuality was just a small branch." You could also try taking out the 'really' and replacing it instead with something like 'which to Teddy and Victoire was playing the role of a magnificent, gleaming...' etc. Does that make sense? I still understand the meaning you're trying to convey, it's just sort of awkwardly phrased because it's saying the opposite of what's actually real versus what's imaginary.

"Then the music they would dance to *was (would be, not was) only that of classics, (semicolon, not comma) those of which would have put Teddy to sleep if he had not been twirling Victoire *around in circles and moving her *around (through, not around, so it doesn't repeat) the grass beneath their feet, which was really marbled tile flooring." - This sentence does the same sort of thing as the last, in which you say the tile floors are what's real and the grass is what's fake, when it's actually the other way around. I know it's meant to be real in their imaginations, so it's sort of justified, but both sentences just sounded a bit wonky to me, so I had to at least point them both out! Obviously feel free to ignore me completely! ^.^

"The blue, cloudless sky (that) stretched far above their tiny figures *was a (replace 'was a' with 'would transform into a') ceiling with an extragravant (Sp: extravagant) chandelier in the centre. All around them walls enclosed them in the grand ballroom as they danced beneath the sun with laughter in their eyes and joy in their hearts." - Love the end of this second sentence, but the beginning of it with the two 'them's sounds a bit repetitive. Maybe try something instead like "Gorgeous, towering walls enclosed them on all sides in the imaginary ballroom..."

One question I did have was about the Muggle fairytale reference (which I really liked, by the way!). So, if Fleur's mother was half-Veela/half-witch and her dad was a wizard (I think?), how does she know Muggle fairytale's at all? Not that it's impossible, of course, but I think considering Fleur's background, maybe you should have added a line about why Fleur knew Muggle fairytale's in the first place, seeing as she's the one telling the stories to Victoire. Certainly not a deal-breaker, but it did strike me as curious! :-p

There were a few other small things here and there, but honestly, the story overall was just so lovely that the little errors hardly took away from it. :)

The ending is so very bittersweet! And very relateable. I think everyone has a hard time growing up without feeling nostalgic, longing for what once was. Part of me wanted to say that just because she's graduated Hogwarts doesn't mean she has to suddenly jump into full-blown adulthood! But then I think of myself after all the big moments in my life and how each time I said something along the lines of 'Now it's time to be this new and improved version of me!' We have these naive ideas that just because we've finally graduated high school or have finally stopped being a teenager or whatever else, that from here on out we will be more of this and less of that, like we can just leave who we are fundamentally behind simply because we've surpassed a big moment in our life. And maybe you can go for a little while believing that you've taken a huge step forward, but only time and the wisdom gained from that time will teach you that who you were in your past is part of you forever; that being an adult doesn't mean you have to give up the fantasies; that there is a way to grow up without losing yourself. I like to think that Victoire will grow to learn the same thing.

So basically I really, very much so enjoyed this. Just a very sweet, nostalgic, and innocent story. Great job, Leslie! ^.^

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Review #40, by writeyourheartoutThe Orchard: Welcome

18th September 2013:
Hi Zayne! I just got around to responding to an amazing review you left me, like, a year ago (I am the worst!), but I saw this under recently added stories, so I thought I'd leave a review! And you'll be my first review since coming back to the site! Yay! :-D

I want to start by saying that I'm a real fan of your use of description. There are some really prettily written moments throughout this entire chapter that really stuck out to me. What's funny is that my favorite bits are the sort of transitional details, things that don't really matter as far as the plot line goes, but really made a difference in the quality of the story! One of my favorites was in the third paragraph where you describe her walking to the train, patting down her hair, and having a Hufflepuff scarf kick up into her face! haha It seems like such a silly thing to point out, but I just loved the way you wrote it! Same as when you describe the scene outside the windows of the Hogwarts Express as it makes its way to school, with the sheep and farmers, the blend of colors as the world creeps up on autumn - it was just very lovely. I also really liked how you described Mary's entrance back into Hogwarts. It was not only written well, but it was very intriguing! But my FAVORITE line was this gem: "Mary was sometimes convinced that this was only a show, a play to cover the fire that lay at their feet." Love.

I also really liked your group of friends! I can't even quite put my finger on why, but there's something special about them! haha They're just... refreshing. Like, refreshingly honest, maybe? Florence and Mafalda have a nice give and take that really stuck out during the nail polish exchange. I thought Lily being their friend, but not being a close friend was original because you didn't just do the we're-roommates-and-therefore-all-BFF's thing. I'm not sure yet what I think about Lily - I usually see her more put together and envision her that way myself, but it's interesting and could work! Although, I have to ask: Did you mean to not have her be a prefect? In canon she becomes Head Girl, and I think only James ever became a Head student after not being a prefect. At the end of this chapter, your author note mentioned how this story is really about the girls of Gryffindor, and I think that you've done a really good job at setting them up for some potentially great story lines! So you're definitely doing something right! Woot! ^.^

All of that said, however, there are a few things that could use some tweaking!

Something that isn't my favorite (though it's something a lot of author's do, so this could certainly be just a me thing and easily ignored!) is how you begin the story. It's not that it's written poorly or that it doesn't serve a purpose or anything like that, but simply that it feels a bit too... explainy. You begin the story by slating some characteristics about who the main character is rather than writing her into a situation and allowing us to discover her for ourselves. Instead of telling us that she's a good but not great student with strict and expectant parents, maybe she fails an essay and is shocked by the rarity of it all and afraid of what her parents will think when they inevitably find out. Or maybe she gets another Exceeds Expectations or Outstanding on her summer projects and it's just as she suspected would be the case - how proud her hard-to-please parents would be! Or even just meeting up with her friends she hasn't seen all summer who, while catching up on life, talk about the summer homework. Maybe one of them isn't the best student, Mary tries to say she's sure there's nothing to worry about, and they mention that 'Yeah, YOU have nothing to worry about, Mary! You couldn't get below an Acceptable if you turned in a piece of parchment with nothing but your name on it!" And then it can expand from there: 'Well, perhaps they did have a point about her grades, but one could blame her parents for that' - etc. I actually think the story would be more gripping right from the beginning if you started with the third paragraph: "The weather was startlingly cold for September 1st..." and so on. But that's just me. :-p

In the end, though, I think the only thing you truly struggle with a bit is grammar and punctuation! Here are just a few examples to give you an idea:

'"Alright, do you like this colour?" *She said and held up her other hand which was already done.' - Should be '"...colour?" she said, holding up her other hand...'

"Probably, mind if I sit here then?" - Should be "Probably. Mind if I sit here, then?"

'...ignoring all the well-meaning parents around her as they clung to their *child who was squirming to get away.' - Should be 'children who were'

"The train was already buzzing with noise from the squeals of girls as they met up with their mates after two months and the low laughs of the boys who were appreciating how the girls had seemed to get really fit over the summer months." - This sentence is sort of a combination of noticeable lack of comma's plus a run-on sentence. The comma thing especially is something you miss a lot of opportunities for; I think you may have a slight aversion to them! And while comma's can easily be overused, there were a lot of places that I really felt a comma was needed.

I think you had a really strong ending, though! The story really built it's suspense. I thought something bad happened to the blonde Ravenclaw girl (I'm still unsure about her!), but you have me intrigued! That combined with the whole Mary and the Slytherin's thing has me really wanting to know what happens next! And is there any better way to end a chapter than by having your readers want more? I think not! Kudos!

All around, I think it's a really great start! I would consider maybe grabbing a beta who specializes in grammar and punctuation, though! But other than that, this was really good! Yay!

Author's Response: Hey Tanya, I'm finally responding! *waves flag*

Those bits were probably my favourite parts. I loved getting caught up in them, though I fully realise they are extraneous details that probably aren't as needed to the plot. But hey ho, I enjoyed writing them. I'm really pleased you liked that too as I wanted to paint some sort of picture of this journey and make it seem a little different from every Hogwarts train chapter we know of. Make it more of my own because I know how many back to school stories start like this and they are fuzzy feel good stories. This isn't a story like that and i'm still uncertain if this was the best place to start since i don't think many people click for the next chapter.

I'm SO pleased you enjoyed the characters. They are so fun to write and they keep changing in front of my eyes. I enjoy Mafalda and Florence together too. They give and take and can be quite mean to one another, but I do think that beyond their bickering and differences they are friends. I also didn't want Lily to be right in on their friendship group. I've always the envisioned the Gryffindor's to be a little bit more separate than the whole, as you said, we're BFF's forever ohmygosh, type thing. If you look at Harry's year for instance. There was Harry, Ron and Hermione. Then there was Seamus and Dean. Then Pavarti and Lavender. They were friends with each other, but they weren't all close. I'm really pleased that you felt that this works as well. I do realise that she isn't prefect and it will be sorted out how she came to be Head Girl, i promise you :)

You know, funny that you should say that because it was only a day or two before you left this review that I reread the chapter and had the same thoughts, especially about those first two paragraphs. I had been toying with the idea of changing it and then you reviewed and confirmed my suspicions. So, i've recently edited and changed that bit of it. Hopefully it feels more active because there is nothing I dislike more than having passive, boring narrative. So i've changed it and started at the third. Thank you also for pointing out the grammar issues :)

Thanks for this lovely and long review which honestly made my day when i read it!! It's fabulous and the fact that it's your first one coming back is super special! Thank so much for taking the time to read this little story :) And for nominating it for the hufflepuff featured story!! *hugs*


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Review #41, by writeyourheartoutTime of Wolves: February 21st

5th September 2012:
Hello Mike! I'm here with your first review from the HPPC Challenge that took place beyond forever ago! (Sorry!) Since it's been such a long time coming, I won't stall with getting to the actual reviewing part! ^.^

First off, I think this story has a lot of potential. The idea behind it is intriguing; the way this first chapter shows restraint by not telling us the specific details about Teddy's choice to go back in time, simply generalizing that it has something to do with his dad, makes me want to know what exactly it is he's trying to figure out and potentially alter. However, while the big picture is good, there are a lot of small details that I feel aren't doing you any favors. Let's start from the top!

One of the biggest things that sticks out to me is how rushed I feel this chapter is. I would say, that for the most part, you're a minimalist writer. Sometimes that's a brilliant technique, but I feel like you skipped over too many small moments that would have sincerely helped the flow of the story. It becomes too choppy and too scarce, so I'd suggest trying to find a balance between the two worlds. Use details to make sure there are no holes in your writing and use minimalism during moments you want to land poignantly. I would especially consider reworking the opening paragraph. I mean, how did Teddy sneak into the Ministry? And how did he do it with so few obstacles? Why wasn't there any sort of security blocking such potentially dangerous and valuable items? I feel like I need more explanation to accept that Teddy simply snuck into the Ministry of Magic (which I would assume has only tightened in security, considering the fact that it was once infiltrated by death eaters) and walked out with stolen items no questions asked. See what I mean? Details, friend! ^.^

Something else I notice that you do a lot of is repeat the same word or phrase within close proximity of each other so that it sounds repetitive and clutters your writing. Examples:

"He wanted to go back in time (while) in the forbidden forest, where he wouldn't be seen by anyone, but had a very high chance of being attacked by something as soon as he warped back in time." - 'back in time'

"The wolf bounded past him, causing Teddy to... The wolf growled into his face and Teddy whimpered in fear. The wolf lunged, pinning Teddy to the tree." - Every sentence started with 'The wolf'. The paragraph also ends with those words and the paragraph that precedes this one also starts with 'The wolf' and repeats a few times.

"He wasn't sure how much the forest has changed over the years(,) but he was sure it couldn't be too much." - You change tenses here: 'has' should be 'had'. Also, I would change the second 'much' to 'different' so it doesn't repeat.

"He started to run, running into the forest to get to a certain depth inside." - 'run' followed by 'running' is repetitive and doesn't flow well. Also, this whole sentence reads pretty wonky. This is a perfect example of rushing through small moments where you could add little details for realism. Maybe rephrase and extend it into something more like this: "He sped his walk into a light jog as the horizon of trees came into view, hoping he wouldn't attract unwanted attention with his brisk new pace. When he reached the forests edge, however, he didn't hesitate to dig his heels into the solid ground and jump into an all out sprint, anticipation fueling his every step; the pain in his constricted chest practically non-existent as he thought only of how close he now was... He continued to race deeper into the woods, knowing just what was at stake for him if he was seen; refusing to slow until he knew he was hidden away completely from prying eyes." - Big difference, right? I'm not saying that every single moment needs to be elaborately decorated, though; it's all about finding the balance: giving us enough without giving us too much. I hope that makes sense!

You say the word forest more often than it's needed. We know where Teddy is going after the first time, so there's no need to repeat yourself so often in such a small space. Trust that your audience can follow your writing without spelling it out for them.

Done with the repeating examples! Now for some random notes:

"He snuck down into the ministry in the dead of night" - I'd consider removing the word 'down' - it doesn't flow right. Also, Ministry should be capitalized.

"The pages crinkled as he flipped to the exact page where the entries all end." - Should be 'ended.' The wording at the end is a little funky, I would remove the word 'all' - it feels unnecessary. This paragraph has some lovely descriptions, however. ^.^

"March 22st" - Should be 22nd

"He had always written(,) but then he had apparently lost his drive to do anything." - Not sure why 'lost' is italicized.

"Once he felt he was sufficiently hidden in the forest he pulled the time turner out. He took a deep breath before he turned it enough times to go back to the year of 1970. He closed his eyes and when he opened them he couldn't tell if it worked." - Michael! This should be a huge moment! This is what everything before this moment has essentially been leading to! Why is there no excitement? LOL Where's his anticipation? His nerves? His hesitation? This moment, like the opening one, needs more.

"Each snap of the wolf's sounded louder and louder, as if a thunderstorm were approaching." - Not sure why 'wolf' is pluralized, unless you meant to say something like 'Each snap of the wolf's monstrous jaw sounded louder and louder...' or something. Or maybe 'Each biting snap the wolf made seemed to grow louder and louder.'

So it doesn't look like you have a beta for this. It's something I would maybe consider; someone who's good with small details and being nit-picky, because you have the vision and the ideas and the plot, but the little bits and pieces are what's holding this back. I hope this review has been helpful!

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Review #42, by writeyourheartoutSo, Listen...: April 1993

18th July 2012:
Hehehe Every time I read a new chapter of yours, I leave with a goofy grin on my face! :-p Why can't the twins be REAL?! -le sigh-

I don't know why, but Delphine's crush on Harry, like, super fascinates me, LOL. It cracks me up. Maybe just knowing Harry so well and how uninterested he was in girls other than two his entire life, it's just funny to see the fangirling from this POV! *chuckle*

The first half of this chapter was a little slow, but by the end of it, I was a very happy camper. Again I have to mention the chemistry between Hollis and Fred. While it wasn't as flirty or romantic in this chapter (which was actually a really cool thing to see since they've gone back in time and I assume we'll actually at some point be seeing the transition from acquaintances/friends into crushes), they still fit so well together with their interactions.

Gosh, you really do have such a great handle on Fred, it's kind of ridiculous. His sense of humor and wit is exactly how it's always been in the books and how I always hope to see it continued on in fanfiction. Drawing Dumbledore on Hollis' arm cracked me up, hahaha, and it wouldn't be a work of his if his name didn't show up somewhere, leaving no doubt as to who left the marks there! :-p

I feel like getting drawn on with a quill might be pointy and painful, but beauty is pain, amiright? ^.^

Oh Fred... you are indeed Lovely. Also... I MUST know what this wand event was! You're so great about setting up these mini-cliffhanger things because I know that story is going to pop up eventually and I really want to know now! *whines*

-sigh- I guess I shall just have to continue reading until all my curiosities are satisfied... Luckily for me, it will be a very painless journey through your once again marvelous writing skills. :-)

Oh, before I wrap this up, I wanted to say that I really love Hollis' family background! A whole line of Hufflepuffs! YES. And you've created that adversity towards the entire family who's magical lineage seems to be very unstable - skipping generations and such, all being sorted into the house that so many consider the 'left-overs' (*grumbles*). It's just a very cool concept and I wonder if you'll be playing around with those facts later on... Hmm...

You're too cool for school. Stop being so talented. Thanks.

Author's Response: Eee, thank you so much. I sound like such a broken record, but I'm so grateful for your feedback!

Delphine is all sorts of delusional. The girl's brain is filled with marbles or something, I don't know. She's sort of my guilty pleasure character because I could make her say the strangest things with no shame whatsoever. It was a lot of fun. XD

I apologize for the first half of this chapter being a tad slow. I confess that some of my desire for writing this story was, to add to what I said in my previous review response, the appeal of ordinary life at Hogwarts. Like, if I had the time to sit down and write about some ordinary kid through all seven years at Hogwarts, and detail nothing but classes and schoolwork, I would be on cloud 9. I'm really weird like that - my favorite parts of the books tended to be charms lessons and the like, because it really fascinated me. I loved learning about magic while Harry did - and here I am rambling again. :P

Yep, you will definitely see every transition in Hollis and Fred's relationship! All of the sticky awkwardness, the fluffiness, the nerves, etc. I'll warn you ahead of time that not every moment is loaded with suspense and romance, though.

Depending on how long you read this story (I forget how many reviews you'll be giving as prizes, so you might run out before this), you will definitely see the wand scene! There are lots of very small allusions to events that are easy to overlook, but that are expanded upon in later chapters.

You are awesome and tops and all the other good words. All of them. :) Thank you so much for reading.


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Review #43, by writeyourheartoutA Christmas Carol: Still, Still, Still

18th July 2012:
This was so sweet and simple and lovely and I now wish it were Christmas! Although I am unfamiliar with the song you used, it fit perfectly with the tale. ^.^

These kinds of stories are always so bittersweet for me. It's such a wonderful idea - the happy family of Potters doing normal things like attending service during Christmas, watching the Nativity Play, thinking about the days when their own son will be up there delivering lines that he barely remembers. But it's hard to think that none of these things happen past this point! This is their only Christmas, Harry probably never steps foot inside a church again, even.

It was so nice that you thought to set them up in this situation where they would use the church that we come across in Deathly Hallows when Harry and Hermione visit their graves. I know that the entire story was laced only with the happy simplicity of a family's first Christmas together, and I love that you didn't foreshadow things to come or anything, but allowed us as readers to connect back to that if we so chose to. It's just really cool how this story can be completely innocent and also entirely sad! haha

I really love it when people bring canon facts into a story, so when Bathilda showed up I was like 'Oh, yeah, cool, that was really from the story!' LOL I must be easy to please or something... haha

I thought James and Lily's relationship with each other and with Harry was all so realistic, it was almost like reading a snippet from JK Rowling herself if she decided to give us a slight insight into what Harry's life was almost like.

Also, I just love your descriptions. You paint a very clear picture with your words, which is not always something I can do, and you make even what could be a very mundane activity seem enchanting. The walk to the church was one of my favorite moments: The snow-covered path, the music growing louder, James arm around Lily and Harry. Idk, it made me smile. :-)

Simple, lovely, bittersweet and very enjoyable. You're so talented. I hate you.

No, no, that's just the bitter envy. Ignore that. ^.^

Author's Response: I think this is a less popular carol these days - it's an older one, and you don't hear it much. It's nice though, sort of peaceful and calm.

It's sad to think of the Potters during the period when they're happy and content with their little family, knowing how little time they have left together. Dreaming of days that will never come for them.

I adore bringing canon in as much as possible. I especially adore obscure canon. I don't think Bathilda counts as obscure, but I do love it. Anyway, I'm glad you liked her appearance here!

Poor Harry. The life he almost had. Well, did have, until he was a year old, poor little thing.

Thank you so much for the compliment on description - I always feel like that's my weakest point in my writing. I'm so pleased that you thought it was good! And aw, you silly. You're so sweet :) *hugs*


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Review #44, by writeyourheartoutFaith, Hope, and Charity: Faith

18th July 2012:
Oh farmgirl. You ridiculously talented person, you. Eldy is so lucky to have a little sister as talented as you are - such a lovely gift. I love that Faith is what this story is about and how you wrote it in a way so that a person who maybe isn't religious or doesn't believe in God can still appreciate the message without feeling like religion was being shoved in their face. The story is so much more about being strong, believing that you can survive and find happiness and that good things are still in the world.

"What are we doing, Dora? ... Bringing a life into the world now, in the midst of all of this? How can we even consider it?" - This is an idea I always think Lily and James must have struggled with when they were pregnant with Harry. It's such a real worry, such a sad reality, and even sadder that for both couples, their children were left alone. But like you said at the end of the story - to not have continued living would have meant that Voldemort won.

It's such an incredible comparison that you've drawn from Remus and Tonks' situation with that of Mary, Joseph and Jesus. I also love the perspective it gives us on them, too! How the two of them have a home, family, friends - a life much more put together than Jesus' - even though their life isn't particularly easy at the moment, they can persevere.

"If we live our lives waiting for the next what-if we'll never live at all, Remus!" - Such a good lesson to live by no matter where you are in your life. :-)

That entire speech by Tonks at the end... SO GOOD. *wipes away stray tear* Honestly, it was so moving. It's probably the first time I really felt happy with Remus being with Tonks. As you know, I am a Remus fangirl, and I've never really understood the two being together, but that was such a beautiful moment and her words were so powerful. I love how she sees Remus: "Then he will be a good, kind, caring and brave person with a heart bigger than all of Gringott's vaults." It's so who Remus is and I love that both you and she see that in him. And it just wouldn't be a farmgirl story without that little touch of silly humor (dirty socks, hehehe). :-p

It's such a simple, yet beautiful idea that makes up this chapter. You're so talented, farmgirl. Your simplicity is what really made this piece stand out - the fact that you showed so much restraint and stayed on the topic at hand, never rambling (as I tend to do... hehehe), but really holding firm to the idea of Faith. This was lovely and I'm so glad you wrote it and that I'm finally reviewing it!

You're the best.

Author's Response: Well, I'm not quite a year late in responding to this review. For me, that's almost good! (Pathetic, I know! I have got to get better at this review response gig!) I hope you don't hate me too much for taking so long. It's been so long since I updated anything that I forget to come in here and check for reviews, and so I also forget to reply to reviews.

You are so incredibly kind and supportive in your praise of me here! I blush everytime I read this review. Thank you so much.

I was very worried about posting this story. Like you said, it had religious undertones, and I wasn't sure how that would sit fandom that revolves around fantasy. I'm very glad you thought it worked.

I was actually thinking of Lily and James there as I was writing this with Dora and Remus. It is so very sad that what happened to Harry had to be repeated with Teddy! (You'd think JKR could have left him at least ONE parent.) But I did want to show that both couples chose faith over fear, and not to let the bad guy win. Nice to see you caught that part.

Writing Tonks was HARD! I've never written for her, ever, and I was so sure I'd done her completely wrong. But everyone seems to think it's great so I guess I passed. And yes, I know about you and Remus. (George does too, by the way, LOL.) If you approve of this pairing in this fic, I feel VERY honored! I've always liked them together, but I can see how you wouldn't. It's kinda like I don't like George and Angelina together. Just not who I pictured in my head for him.

And yeah...you caught the silly farmgirl bit. *blushes*

Thank you again. Blushing AGAIN! You are too nice! So glad to have you as a friend. Thanks for reading!


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Review #45, by writeyourheartoutMasterpiece: the art

18th July 2012:
You blow me away with this story and with your writing. Honestly, the way you use words is so poetic and artistic, so perfectly placed. Every sentence has been constructed with precision and honesty, so much so that I feel like Henri must be a real person in your life that you modeled the character after (although I doubt that's true and you're simply a brilliant writer with an incredible imagination and understanding of how any given person thinks about the world). It's just a stunning piece of work, this story.

"Perfection is standing in his office and he is acutely, painfully, aware of it." I just love the way you describe things. The words you choose combined with sentences you construct is such a perfect combination to get as much as you can out of each sentence.

"She has a clear vision in her head - they always do - and even though he disagrees with almost all her choices, he will abide by them. She should be standing, not sitting, with a blank background instead of the window behind her, but he will do as she says and can only hope she is pleased with the result. " - In your author's note you mention how you know nothing about art, but I promise you that sentences like this make me question whether or not that is the truth, hehehe. No, I'm sure you're being honest, which is incredible because you have a great idea on how an artist might think about these situations. A lot of people are good writers who can pull out wonderful words and make poignant sentences that stick with you, but what makes a great writer is someone who has all of that ability and can put the words flawlessly behind somebody else who's identity they don't follow in real life. What I mean is that the fact that you know nothing about painting, but can write like it's what you've spent your own life doing, is what makes you so phenomenal.

Ah, I just love how this shifts from excitement to dread with Henri as soon as he tries to start painting! And the way you describe the reasoning behind it is so beautiful and logical and makes so much sense that I immediately feel what Henri is feeling! Poor guy, haha It's a very relatable idea, too - whether it's seeing a movie or hearing a song or reading a book that just is everything you could have ever wanted it to be, and then trying to explain it to someone else - there's always that feeling of 'How could I possibly live up to that?'

The ending was just to die for. "Does true beauty exist? she has forced him to wonder. When she first walked through his door she had seemed the embodiment of beauty, but to know her a little better is to know much more of her imperfection. She is a woman - no, little more than a girl in all honesty, a wittering, immature girl blessed with an impossible beauty that is marred by petty aspects of personality." - Wow. This is the most beautiful way I've ever heard a shallow person be described. haha It's just so incredible how we see Henri start off seeing her as this unparallelled beauty that nothing compares to, but how when she opens her mouth, it's almost surreal how little there is to offer.

Anyway, I could go on forever singing the praises of your talents. I can't wait to continue it. :-)

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Review #46, by writeyourheartoutSo, Listen...: October 1995

18th July 2012:
Another lovely chapter, Toujours! Not that this surprises me in the slightest. ^.^ Even though this is a slower paced story, it's still just so enjoyable to read and enjoy the small moments you give us. Like, if only Voldemort did where a top hat! Maybe a cane, too. And a tuxedo. A monocle, perhaps... Now that would be a classy villain. Although it might make him too reminiscent of the Penguin from Batman...

I love that Delphine has a crush on Harry! Of course pushing Hermione is certainly frowned upon, haha, but it's a really cute idea. Makes sense, of course, seeing as he is the famous Harry Potter and Delphine's personality seems to really fit into the category of girls who would crush on him almost strictly for that reason (since we learn later that they've never actually spoken). And it's nice to see that someone appreciates Harry's hair style... hehehe

OMG Are these two Hufflepuffs? That makes me excited. :-) I don't see too many Hufflepuff characters get the main OC role and it's even better to see one that will be paired with a Weasley twin! This story is right up my alley - so many of my favorite things happening here, haha I can't wait to learn more about Hollis, especially now knowing that she's a Puff.

I really love the way you describe Hollis and Fred's interactions. Their chemistry is so palpable to me as a reader, which I'm kind of surprised about because I don't feel like I know very much about Hollis yet, but I'm still rooting for her and for them! The way she can just feel that he's looking at her, that she's so aware of him - it's very real and makes me all excited to see them hopefully get together sometime!

"We soon made our way past the Hogsmeade Station, and chose also to bypass The Three Broomsticks in favor of shopping." This sentence is a little wonky around the 'chose able' bit.

Oh hey, there's Alice again! I thought she might come back in a similar fashion to this. I really appreciate how you set her up in the last chapter - it was almost like they were going to become friends at first, too, so it was fun to see how that changed into the relationship they have now. "Truthfully, we all enjoyed hating each other too much to give it up." - It's awful, but I've totally been there.

I really loved the Hogs Head bit! I've said it before, but it makes me smile every time I see little bits of canon brought into a fanfic.

Rock, parchment, sword - nice. I think Delphine's character really took shape in this chapter - I learned a lot about her. She's very human, which I love. There are no Mary-Sue's here, which is really nice. Delphine has some attitude and can be really funny and very open about her opinions and I think she and Hollis have a really believable friendship. All the little details about Delphine is what really sold her for me (her trunk full of pocket change, doing what she can to get free things from people, cheating her way into winning simple games), she almost reminds me a bit of Ron in certain ways. Maybe she and Harry would be good together. :-p

The ending was so cute! When the twins wondered how she could tell them apart, it was a really sweet moment - made me giggle for the two of them, hehehe. Honestly, the chemistry between Fred and Hollis is what's really keeping me into this story. You can't help but root for them and wonder why it takes them so long to figure it out! I mean, they clearly like each other, but we know that this is only 1995, and they still aren't together a year from now. But it's that anticipation that really stays with me and makes me all giggly about them, hehehe. I truly cannot wait to see how these two continue to develop as a couple! *squee*

Author's Response: Hello again, Tanya! You never cease to amaze me. You leave such consistently thorough reviews - I heard a few other Gryffindors talking about that earlier.

The pace of this story is a bit different from the sort of thing I usually write, because it's all out of order and I focus solely on small, quiet moments featuring Hollis and Fred together, or at the very least mentioning Fred. Just flashes of their relationship, like flipping through a scrapbook.

I loved writing a Harry fangirl. I think there are always those annoying girls who like a boy just for the sake of liking him, because he's famous or he has famous relatives or whatever, and Delphine has embraced this role with gusto. She's a silly character - almost always over-the-top, and I think that's what made her so much fun to write. I'm not sure if people like Delphine really exist, and if they do I'm sure I would hate them, but in the fan fic world it's fun to just be able to do whatever I want and make characters like that run rampant around Hogwarts. XD

Hufflepuffs! Yes! Hufflepuffs don't get nearly enough love on the archive. The other Houses get more attention, have more easily-defined reputations, and Hufflepuff gets lost in the shuffle. When I set out to write this story, my main thing wasn't even about the Fred/OC ship, but it was about showing the lives of two people who weren't important to the Harry Potter plot, who didn't join the DA or play Quidditch or were popular, brilliant, etc. I wanted to make OC's who /could/ have been in the background somewhere. The wallflowers, the rest of the population Harry didn't pay attention to. Hollis's life is by no means spectacular, and I think that's what appealed to me. There were so many people just like that in Hogwarts, going about their business as ordinary students, not having to face Voldemort every year, and I loved showing that.

Oh my goodness, it takes ages for Hollis and Fred to get it right. Even when they do know they like each other, life seems to throw a wrench in their party at inopportune moments. :/ What I've found I enjoy the most in a love story is not the happily ever after, but the slow momentum, the rises and lows they take to get there.

Thank you so much for your lovely reviews! They totally made my day. And thanks for listening to me ramble. I tend to write essays in responses. :)


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Review #47, by writeyourheartoutThe Power of Love: The Passion of a Thousand Suns

18th July 2012:
HAHAHAHA This was FANTASTIC. Excuse me while I wipe away tears of joy!

"He was looking angsty. What makes it even more angsty is that he didn't know what he was angsty about." - Well said.

"Their love is deep... like... the buckets in one of those old vacuum cleaners that operates on water. Yeah. One of those buckets" - My favorite thing about this part is that I totally know what you're talking about! Definitely used to own one of those. That is deep love, there.

So having never been a fan of Cho Chang myself, this was beyond delightful to read, hahaha. Again, here you are writing a parody-comedy and you're just as brilliant at it as you are with your other sorts of stories and genres. It's ridiculous how versatile you are.

LOVE the changing of the tenses and that you pointed it out like it's an okay thing so long as you prepare us for it - we'll survive the changing tenses because it was done with purpose! haha *cringe*

"His darling Cho never cried unless there was an animal being born!" *dying*

She literally loses her head. And I think it's appropriate that she's completely fine. Honestly, I'm sure Ron was just overreacting when he splinched that bit of his arm in Deathly Hallows. He can only dream to be as strong and brave and original (although they do both have the red hair thing going on for them...) as Cho Chang! And good on Cedric for picking up the decapitated head and cradling it - that's true love. I wouldn't do that. I guess my love does not go so deep as a large humidifier.

There are so many wonderful and terrible things about this story that had me cracking up from start to finish! You took so many of my favorite cliche's and just threw them in our face and it was genius. I mean, OF COURSE Draco and Cho have been having a secret fling from way back once upon a time and he's come now to confess his love for her! He's very loving and emotional and will easily change for love! I'm almost surprised that I was surprised when he showed up. I should've known...

""I'm going to forgive you and completely forget all about this," Cedric vowed." - Yup.

Math doesn't matter in AU? I should start writing that, then. As we've learned from my previous review, math is clearly not my strong suit. ;-)

I don't think I've ever read a better closing line anywhere ever in any story that ever existed ever. A little unfortunate that it was preceded by what I believe to be a Twilight reference, but I, like Cedric, shall forgive and forget that bit completely and we'll live happily ever after as writer and reviewer and have babies in just under 17 days because that sounds a lot more appealing than a canon 9 months. And who needs canon, am I write? Boom.

Great story.

Author's Response: Hello again, Tanya! lol, what a story for you to pick. This one-shot is just straight up crack, as I'm sure you found out.

Oh, Ron was totes overreacting about getting splinched. Haha, people just picking up Cho's head and carrying her around like it was no big deal, using her as a bookend. I suppose it's better than making her a Quaffle or something. XD

Math is the devil. Fact. I will do just about anything to avoid having to tally up people's years and ages and all that, and it's been amusing to see just how far math goes down the toilet in some fan fics. I'll see girls finding out they're pregnant immediately after...*ahem*, and then giving birth anywhere between two months to one year later. I've gotten lots of chuckles out of it.

Twilight references, hee. :3 I couldn't resist.

BOOM.

Thank you for reading and reviewing. ♥


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Review #48, by writeyourheartoutSo, Listen...: September 1990

18th July 2012:
Remember that time I thought that the difference between 1996 and 1990 was only 2 years? I'm very intelligent.

Anyway, another great chapter of this story! I really love the way that the two were introduced! I was sort of expecting Fred to be Percy in this - the one who pulls her out of trouble, because in so many of these humor/romance stories on the archive, that's the formula I see. I have to start reminding myself that when I'm reading your stories, I need to expect the unexpected, because you never do the expected, and that's what makes you such a great and original writer.

Fred, once again, was absolutely brilliant! So spot on. I can be really picky with the twins, but I swear it's like you invented the two yourself. He's so in character! His dialogue is so brilliant and the way you describe his actions and expressions reminds me so much of JK Rowling and how she would have described them, too.

I'm not sure what to think of Hollis in this chapter! I mean, she's a great character - don't get me wrong, you've written her brilliantly - but sort of jumped to conclusions pretty quick there with Alice. hehe Not that people don't do that in real life, of course! :-p I think you've probably just set us up for some really great future chapters. I expect we'll be seeing more of Alice, maybe as a common enemy for Hollis and Delphine (hilarious entry for her character, by the way! Love that the two are introduced in a way that involves Fred, knowing that they stay friends later in life).

I thought maybe there was one-too-many Cecil references that it sort of lost its humor and impact as the story continued, but it's a tiny detail - certainly nothing to worry about, just maybe a little over-played.

I thought Percy was really great, although part of me feels that with his pompous way about him, someone saying thank you to him wouldn't cause him to pause and question whether or not he should actually accept it and say you're welcome - I'm under the impression that it's more likely that he would take any praise he could get, but that's another tiny detail that is strictly a matter of opinion!

Overall, it was a great second chapter. :-)
Tanya

Author's Response: Hi, Tanya!

I like to imagine Percy fancying himself Master of the Train and bossing everyone into their seats. He really does mean well, though, and is always keen to help anyone he can. I really do love Percy. :)

I'm glad you liked Fred! He's a lot different here in his younger days - a lot more boyish, much less mature. Haha, Hollis was very quick to dislike Alice, I think, because she was embarrassed and feeling slighted. It's a bit of silly backstory to explain a bit of why they're such mortal enemies later on.

Thank you for all the feedback! I'm very appreciative of it, and I'm definitely going to go back over and look to see if Cecil pops up too much. ^ ^

Oooh, for that last part about Percy saying "you're welcome", are you referring to the very end of the chapter? Because that was George. :P At this point, Hollis doesn't realize that Fred and George are two different people. She has that scene with Fred, until he lets her into the compartment with Delphine, and afterwards Hollis sees him and thanks him for sort of helping. But she doesn't know that she's actually thanking George (this is revealed later, I think), so George, at this point, is being thanked by a stranger and has no idea what she's talking about. Percy had /just/ left the scene before that:

The boy who had locked Delphine in our compartment waltzed into the narrow corridor, smiling hugely. Before my nerves could smother the opportunity, I greeted him.

"Thank you, by the way."

I hope that cleared a bit up! Thank you so much for the detailed review! :)


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Review #49, by writeyourheartoutMasterpiece: the artist

18th July 2012:
It's funny that the title of this story is Masterpiece, because this story, my dear, is a masterpiece.

I was introduced to this because it was on story seekers over at the podcasts and holy cow, does it deserve to be! I can't believe how few reviews this beautiful story has!

The way you open it is so stunning. Your way with words is unlike anyone else I've ever read on this site. And it's not just beautifully written, but incredibly relatable! You take this sophisticated style and somehow make it easily reach today's audience of young readers. The idea of being really good at one thing, but it's not the thing you wish you were good at? I think many people have been there. I've always wanted to be a better dancer, even though I can sing well. Wanting what you can't have is definitely something that pulled me toward this story.

I also love when you talk about how difficult it can be to be critiqued on the things that you aren't just having fun with, but taking very seriously as a career - a way of life. It's hard to hear bad things about that, because you sometimes feel like that's the only thing you have to offer and if someone doesn't even like that, then where does it leave you? So good.

The muggle spinning chair bit made me chuckle. Now that you mention it, I'm not sure I have seen a spinning chair mentioned in HP before... :-p

I love the exchanges about the different paintings and moods that influenced them. It's too true - I can't tell you how many random lyrics and one-liners I have saved in my email that I go back to and think 'Sheesh, what was I thinking about when I wrote THAT?' LOL

Anyway, the entire story is just incredibly written, with so many sentences that make me envy your skill and talent so badly! Congratulations on such a fantastic story!

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Review #50, by writeyourheartoutSo, Listen...: February 1996

7th July 2012:
Oh Toujours Padfoot... You are such a gifted writer, it continues to blow my mind. There doesn't seem to be a genre you can't handle, a character you don't understand, or an idea that you can't execute with precision and excellence. I hate you.

No, no, ignore that, I'm sorry - that's just the jealousy talking. Seriously, though, this is so fantastic! I remember the first story I ever read of yours was 'Siren' and how dark and gripping and powerful that was. And then when I read something so opposite, it blows my mind that the same author wrote both! You're so incredibly versatile and I'm in love with both your style and originality!

So in case you haven't figured it out yet, this is your first (and insanely overdue) review for winning the HPPC Challenge! This story was the one I chose to read and review because I love Fred and George and I love OC's and I love the pairing of FredorGeorge/OC, so as soon I saw the option, I knew I had to read it! And I'm so glad I did! Where to even begin?... From the top it is!

I love how the story just jumps right in. A lot of fics I've read here that are based around an OC tend to start out with a lot of description about who that character is, rather than simply writing them into scenarios and allowing us to find out for ourselves through their reactions and where their mind races off to. I love that you just throw her into a back and forth dialogue with Fred from the start so that we get to figure Hollis out for ourselves, experience her wit first hand rather than being told 'I am sarcastic'.

Speaking of the dialogue between the two, that was so much fun to read! LOL A lot of the time when I see a writer who wants to create a witty back and forth, they tend to either over-do it so that the conversation lacks any real purpose other than to get a laugh (which also tends to become unrealistic), or they simply haven't written it in a way that's really very funny at all! But you've found a perfect balance of believability, true humor, and actual substance that serves a purpose, moves the plot along and is also so enjoyable. And to top it all off, Fred was SO in character! And as a fangirl of Fred (and George!), I'm very picky with him, but you've done him brilliantly here. These two lines were my favorite's of his:

""Irma," he said charmingly, arms outspread as if to hug her. "How long it's been!""

""Oi! Go easy on me! I've ingested a lot of interesting things today and I might be flammable!""

LOL! Too funny, and so perfectly Fred! I also love when he pins the not returning of a book on himself while pretending to be George. :-p You're so funny.

I love that you brought in a bit of canon with the invisible hats research! It's always cool to see connections to canon being made in a new way. Oh, and later in the chapter we get to see the galleon from the DA! Again, a great combination of the canon world and your world. :-)

The way you give us details about the OC and who she is is really nice. Learning about how she's been watching Fred for so long after her friend admits that she can't tell the twins apart is exactly what I mean about showing us who your character is rather than just telling us from the top. It's this type of writing that makes me want to keep reading, because there's so much about the OC that I don't know yet, but still enough was learned about her to make me want to know more. It's the perfect balance.

Can we talk about the way in which you describe the moment when Hollis knows that Fred's watching her and she's trying to play it cool? I was reading that and thinking back on my experience with when a guy I've liked is nearby and I'm trying to act nonchalant, though on the inside I'm over-analyzing EVERYTHING, and reading your descriptions about being so hyper-aware, taking a sip of a drink just because, and just thinking 'OMG THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT!' hahaha

Omg, you just keep making me fall more and more in love with the twins! I didn't even know that was possible! I can't remember the last time a read a story that gave me butterflies because the romantic pairing was set up so well together! I got that excited feeling that people get when their actual crush is around because it's so easy to relate to Hollis and how she sees Fred! Oh, if only the twins were real...

Well I certainly can't wait to see what's going to happen in the next chapter! Fred with a surprise in the Owlery at 5am? That sounds like a recipe for awesome. Such a great way to end the first chapter because you know people want to find out what exactly Fred Weasley is up to this time! I will definitely be continuing this story. :-D

Thinking back on your one-shot that won the challenge (The Legacy of Waldorf), I have to say that it was really great to see another side of your humor. In your Peeves fic, the situations were so hilariously over-the-top and anything but subtle, but here we get just as many laughs but in a way that isn't as in-your-face as the one-shot. With the twins around, however, I'm sure we'll be seeing some Waldorf-esque over-the-top chaos in no time. It's just wonderful to see that not only can you write humor, but you can write it fantastically in differing ways! Did I mention already that I hate you?

So basically, in summation, you rock. You're an incredible author who can write about any character in any situation and make it look like the easiest thing in the world. And while I've been struggling with the third chapter of my only WIP, you seem to be an unstoppable force of nature on a whirlwind path to ruling the HPFF world of top writers. *bows to your excellence*

Thank you for this excellent story. See you in chapter two!
-Tanya :-)

P.S. I just remembered seeing the chapter titles and how the years change, so next chapter won't be the prank cause it's going two years in the past! -le sigh- Guess that means I'll just have to keep reading til I get to it! ;-) Can't wait.

Author's Response: Oh my god, Tanya. It has taken me ages to respond to this because your review is just...wow. I don't think I've ever seen a more thorough reviewer! My jaw was dropping all over the place - there was lots of flailing and squeeing and such. ♥ I can't thank you enough.

I'm glad you chose this story for the review prizes! It's fairly light and easy to get through, and the chapters skip around through various years in Hollis's life, moving forwards and backwards so hopefully the nonlinear format will prevent you from getting bored. :P

Yay, you thought Fred was canon! That's always such a lovely thing to hear because that's something I worked pretty hard on. It's great to have a fellow Fred and George fangirl! George is very prominent in this story - he by no means fades into the woodwork just because Hollis is hanging around, so I hope you like his characterization in this story, as well.

bahaha, omg, playing it cool when a guy is around; I drew on that one from experience. Just grabbing whatever is nearest and fiddling with it like there's no tomorrow, for lack of anything else to do.

Haha, you'll find that the Owlery bit's not in the next chapter because of the nonlinear format. Sorry! :3 You'll have to take a few trips back in time before you get to see that particular scene. But of course I just read this in your P.S., so I can only offer some cookies to get you through the waiting period. XD

Oh my goodness, how can I thank you enough? Your words are so, so lovely and so kind and you seem to pick up on every little detail! When you read something, you really read it! I feel so honored to have you reviewing this and so flattered that you actually liked it. Thank you so, so much. :)

- Sarah


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