Woohoo, first review! :P
I wanted to say that I really like your characters. Especially how you wrote Mickey G. Hihi. At first the POV swap was a bit confusing, but I got over that pretty soon.
I think Your main character is really strong and believable. It's a very good thing that she knows her weaknesses. I do have some question about Lana concerning her origins, blood-status etc.
It is altogether written pretty well, but just a bit too... American. James Potter II would in my eyes never say Oh My Gosh. More like Oh My Merlin or something. And I would not use too much "like" if I were you. But if you were really trying to give this story an American twist, then go ahead. :) Also, wizards and witches usually don't know about muggle bands like One Direction, so either Lana is a half-blood or muggle-born or future witches and wizards are just so cool that they like muggle bands as well.
Your grammar is perfect. I think. :P
I liked the last part of this story as well, with Lana on the balcony, but again, you wrote her a bit too American-y in my opinion. ;)
My favourite quote of this chapter was: "After all, life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain." How did you come up with this? It's brilliant! :D
Alright, I'll stop talking and leave you for now. :)
Hope to be able to review the next chapter!
-Xxx- sweet_lovely_girlAuthor's Response:
MY FIRST REVIEW! AH! This is amazing, thank you so much for taking the time to review you're incredible! I screamed for legit 5 minutes straight when I saw this lol
Okay, so for the POV thing, how would I get it to be less confusing? I wasn't sure how to go about that while I was writing so any help you can give would be much appreciated :D
And, Lana's history, well... all questions will be answered in our later chapters, I didn't want to give too much away at once haha :P
I'm going to change James's Oh My Gosh to Oh My Merlin right after this, I totally didn't catch that lol
And then, I like to think of Lana as a cultured person so she knows both wizard and muggle music, regardless of whether she's muggleborn or a half blood or whatnot.
Do you have any advice on how I can make it less Americano? I'm american myself, so anything would be awesome haha
And the dancing in the rain ish is something my nani (grandma) says to me all the time. She's all about living in the moment and this is one her favorite sayings ever, so here it is!
Thanks so much for reviewing, your username describes you PERFECTLY, Miss sweet_lovely_girl!
You're my favorite person on planet earth, love you SO much,
xox, miluv Report Review
Hey again, :)
I really liked this first chapter. Different from Match. but better in my opinion. You described the ballroom so well. Something I have been trying, but something I have failed. I think you wrote the canon characters really well. I especially liked Narcissa. Maybe there could have been more information about Phoenix, even in a Author's note it would have helped, because now I am just a little bit confused about her. Why did you chose her to be Draco's twin sister since he had no siblings in the original HP books?
I am curious to whom Draco and Phoenix are going to have a relationship with later on in this story. I always like a bit of romance.
Your grammar was great again, but there are a few errors in this chapter as well. You might want to look through it again just to make sure you've eliminated those small mistales.
Nice plot and you've kept me curious so far. Up to the next chapter! :)
-Xxx- SLG Report Review
this is sweetlovelygirl from the forums with your rewarded review number one.
I personally really like this introduction of your story. The first part was really good and gives the readers a nice view of the rest of the story and our main character.
After the introduction, which doesn't always have to be there in a story, the first few paragraphs give the readers a first impression. I think you gave a great impression because in my point of view those first lines should be well-thought and descriptive and that is what you did.
This first chapter was in my opinion a bit plain, but that's alright, as long as you can make us more curious in the next chapter(s).
I liked your main character. She sounded quite lively and I think she handled everything great concerning the Wizarding world. It was a bit rushed to me, meaning that she and her mother accepted the fact that Marcia was a witch a bit too fast. Of course, the mother hasn't really accepted it yet, but if it were me I would think the letter was a prank and the thing Neville did was just a trick. It is just too much outside the world we are used to that I would need more time to take it in if I were Marcia.
Now onto the grammar: I think your grammar is great and there are no mistakes as far as I am concerned. There are, however, a few errors and typos. For example, you wrote "We am pleased..." in the Hogwarts letter and you are missing a few words on some places. These aren't really big problems, but you could reread it sometime later and take out those small things.
So, this review is way longer than what I usually write, but I guess I was just having a review mood. In general, I really like the idea of this story. It has already seemed a challenge to me to focus a story on Quidditch. But good luck with it and I'll go to me second review now.
-Xxx- SLG Report Review
Hello there! This is sweetlovelygirl from the Choices Challenge. I really like what you have done with the choice and character you were given. It fits into the real world of Harry Potter, just as JKR had wanted it. This story really just shows how adorable Neville is. It is so sweet that he would like to give up his last bit of money just to make others happy!
Your story contains a few errors and sometimes your sentences are a bit confusing and long. Your descriptions are nice though I think some things are unnecessary.
I really liked reading this story!
-Xxx- sweetlovelygirlAuthor's Response: Hi there! I'm so glad you liked it, and I'm really happy that I made second place! I will read through it and correct those, and hey, you never know what might become necessary ;)
I really enjoyed coming up with the idea for this challenge entry, it was a really cool and interesting one, so thank you!
Really inspired me to keep writing more often(or as often as I can!)
~ Emily Report Review
Great one-shot. Very well written and the twist at the end shows us the real Dumbledore we have always known. I like it. This story is a good addition to the Harry Potter world we all know. It fits in perfectly.Author's Response: Aaw! Thanks! Report Review
sweetlovelygirl here with your requested review!
Wow, this is a really good story. I think you have alcoholism is handled really well in this story, though I have no experiences with it. You really did a good job writing about a drunk Katie Bell. I think the characterisations are done pretty well. I've always imagined Oliver Wood as that nice and cute boy, just like you wrote about him in this story. Katie had always been pretty vague in the stories and movies, but in this chapter she was written very well as a drunk person.
I almost forgot they were already from school during the Second War. But this story made me realize that.
The descriptions are done really well too. I could almost taste the alcohol and see Katie's face when she entered the Hog's Head.
All in all, I think this story is really good.
-Xxx- SLGAuthor's Response: Hello! :D
I am so glad you enjoyed reading this. Alcoholism is a very difficult issue to write about, so thank you very much; I'm glad you thought I handled it well. As someone who hasn't drunk alcohol and doesn't plan to, it was even more difficult, lol, and most of what was written is based on what I see in movies, on TV and in books more than anything.
Yay, you liked the characterisation! ;) Oliver is a lovely guy in my book; I think both of them were written pretty vaguely in the books, although Katie, of course, had a central part in HBP when she was cursed. I'm glad, anyway, that you liked how she was written and that you liked the descriptions.
Thank you for the review :)
Soraya xxx Report Review
this is sweetlovelygirl from the forums with your requested review.
This story seems to me interesting enough to read on. It is not something we see a lot here around on HPFF. An OC teacher-to-be with the Next-Gen as his pupils? That's quite new. And that's why this story is a bit out of my comfort zone. I usually read stories about canons or one OC surrounded by canons. But that doesn't mean that I won't/don't like this story!
You asked me in your request whether I would like to meet the rest of the cast. It's just that we don't know much about them from this first chapter and that makes it hard to tie us to your story and her characters. In my opinion, we need more than this to be really interested in the Next-Gen, though while I'm writing this review I get more curious about them.
I thought the part about Hermione and the muggle-born students was well-thought and it's nice to see that you have added some canons to this story. That's what would make it more believable as a fanfiction.
It's too bad that there is going to be (hardly?) no romance in this story. I'm a girl and most girls crave for romance in such stories. ;)
Overall a nice story!
-Xxx- SLGAuthor's Response: Thanks very much for the review; I appreciate your thoughts. I might need to rewrite that first chapter a little to include the next-gen boys, at least by proxy, to create a little more draw.
Never have been any good at romance...
Sheriff Report Review
sweetlovelygirl here with your requested review.
First I have to tell you that this story is really amazing and touching. Everything is written perfectly.
You asked me in your request whether I think I have the need to read the prequel before this story and to be honest: I already read and reviewed the prequel story before for the review tag. So I can't really answer your question on that. But if I just think about it, I think readers could do without reading the prequel first, but I highly recommend reading the preequel because that was also an amazing and perfect short story!
Now about your characters. I think Teddy was being so selfish when he was having the affair with Dom. And he was so stupid for writing a LETTER about their affair! Ugh, can't stand him. (Haha, sorry for my opinion about him, but I really find it hard to like him now.)
Dominique is very well-written just like herr sister, although I still can't believe she would have an affair with her sister's man!
I hate it that there isn't a happy ending in this story. But that doesn't mean this isn't great. I especially
liked this sentence: 'How could she have let love make her weak enough to hurt her sister this way?' It's so brilliant and beautiful. Just like the rest of the story.
Thank you for letting me read this!
-Xxx- SLGAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I feel so flattered that you find my story 'amazing and touching' and 'written perfectly'. Thank you!
I am glad to hear that you liked my prequel too and would recommend it to others.
Haha Teddy was definitely selfish and stupid, no doubt. And that's okay, I wasn't aiming for the readers to really like Teddy anyway.
I am glad you like Dom and Vic's characterisations.
I put in a lot of thoughts while writing such thoughts of characters so good to know you liked that line!
Thanks again! Report Review
this is sweetlovelygirl from the forums with your requested review.
I really love this idea! I've also been thinking about a story with agents and secret missions and stuff.
I think the characters you made are quite good and I honestly can't wait for James Potter to turn up!
There are a few things that confuse me though:
- The part about the water. There was nothing mentioned about water in the room until, I think it was Johnson's, question about why there was water in the room. I had no idea what I had to think of it, where it was, how it looks like or how much there was. Maybe I just read over that part, but if I did not you sgould add some more descriptions about it.
- Scutto being a muggleborn, THUS the murders having nothing to do with blood. I don't get that part, or maybe I'm just stupid ^^', but if she was a muggleborn she could have been killed because of that. Maybe you meant to say that she was the ONLY muggleborn?
Well, these were the things that were confusing for me.
I really like this idea and I can't wait to read more!
You can always request another review anytime.
-Xxx- SLGAuthor's Response: hi!
so in my eagerness to put in my first chapter when the queue was like, 0 hours,
i submitted my un-edited first chapter, not my final draft. so that's why there's a problem with confusion and a few words are mixed around ^.^
but apart from that, i'm really glad you liked the idea! and don't worry, james potter will be fully introduced in the second chapter.
thanks so much for reviewing,
bea xo Report Review
Hey, it's sweetlovelygirl again.
Great chapter again! And again: a cliffhanger. I hate that! :P It's funny to see back Draco and Pansy's relationship in Lucius and Narcissa's. These couples are so much alike. :) And well, Draco is really like his father was. Loved this chapter!
-Xxx- SLGAuthor's Response: Thank you for the words of encouragement! Cliff hangers will appear in virtually all of my chapters. I do have to keep readers interested and on their toes, after all.
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
I said in the forums that I had already reviewed this chapter, but then I found out I didn't which made me feel very bad. :( But here it is now. :D
I really liked this chapter. It was really funny.
Poor Lupin. Why, oh why, didn't you let him go to the ball with Tonks???!!!
And I hate it that you left us with that cliffhanger!!! What happened?
Well I will find that out really soon because I am going to the next chapter now. :)
Hihi see you with my next review!
-Xxx- SLGAuthor's Response: Oh, that's fine. I honestly hadn't checked to see if you had reviewed this chapter.
I'm glad you enjoyed the more humorous aspects of this chapter, as those have been the most challenging to write.
There might be some Remus/Tonks in future chapters, but I can't give too much away!
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
sweetlovelygirl here with your requested review.
First of all: this story is so cute! I loved it. And not for a second did I hate any of the characters. (Maybe James and his gang a little bit for dropping the candy.) I had never thought of Filch and Pince as a couple and now after I read this story I really think they are made for each other. Maybe that's how Filch started to resent the students even more. Too bad there is no romance in the HP books for Filch or maybe JK Rowling just never wrote about it and Filch and Pince had something going on secretly in her head. ;P (Okay, my imagination is going too far and I am not really thinking clearly since I am also listening to the radio. Sorry for that.)
Oh, I really do hope that you change your mind and make a short story (or even something longer) of this! :D
It was great to read this and you can always come back to me for other reviews.
-Xxx- SLGAuthor's Response: Hello, and thanks for coming by!
Cute is what I was going for, so that's good to hear :) Hey, who's to say that Filch and Pince didn't meet up for tea between shifts at work? I think they could be cute, in a weird way :D
Several people have requested that I turn this into a short story. As of now, I don't have any plans to do so, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of writing more Filch/Pince in the future. How's that?
Thanks so much for this kind review!
-Amanda Report Review
This is sweeetlovelygirl with your requested review. I really love Dramiones and this plot seems really great! It's really interesting and I would honestly like to know how ends.
There are a few errors and typos, so maybe you could revise this chapter sometime. But apart from that there is not much to say about this. It's just great! :D
Please ask me for another review when your second chapter is up!
-Xxx- SLG Report Review
sweetlovelygirl here from the review thread with your requested review. I think this chapter gives the readers a good image of what Vanessa's background is. I would have liked to see more of Vanessa's personality, but since she was only a child in this prologue I can understand that she doesn't do or say much.
There is only one error I saw somewhere, but your grammar is pretty good.
Maybe you could have given us a hint about where the story is heading because now I have no idea what is about to happen in the rest of the story. You told us it's going to be emotional, but what will happen? Is it going to be something between her and her father or between her and more people?
I really wonder in which house Vanessa will be placed and I'm looking forward to read more!
You can always ask me for more reviews.
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review.
The prologue was definitely meant to let the reader know Vanessa's history and also plant a seed of resentment towards her mother, and also her dad. The first chapter will start at the beginning of her sixth year and will definitely delve into the issues and hurt from her past. This includes the toll on her relationships with both parents, friends and romantic interests.
I'm currently holding out for a beta to flush out those few mistakes that slip through the cracks. But I'm glad that there weren't too many.
Again thank you, I really appreciate your feedback and look forward to future reviews from you. Report Review
Hey there, sweetlovelygirl here with your requested review.
First of all, I liked the idea of this story and the title of this chapter is really fit for this chapter. It was good how you described Penelope struggling writing a letter. I also liked the part where she thought about Percy's stubbornness.
I think the café needs a name though. It sounds really weird reading about THAT café and I really would have liked a name for it.
I thought the relationship between percy and Penelope was a bit too cold. I mean, he could have at least said something about her breaking up. (This is just my opinion and you could just totally ignore it.)
I really wonder how this short story is going to continue. Will they get together eventually or will they be apart forever?
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Thanks for this lovely review and your suggestions.
You're right, the cafe definitely needs a name. I had a quite a bit of trouble writing about their breakup and I've rewrote it and submitted it, so hopefully it doesn't seem as cold.
This story is mainly just going be specific moments of Percy and Penelope's relationship, so there will be some chapters of when they are together and a few chapters of when they aren't together. I hope that cleared up your question.
Charlie Report Review
Your second requested review from sweetlovelygirl from the review thread. :)
I liked this chapter as well, though it was really different from the prologue. It was really funny sometimes. It is the first time that I read a story in which the characters are described like in this story and in which there are so many notes. It makes this story even more unique and fun to read! :D
A few typos and errors here and there, but overall the grammar is good.
Your characters are written really well. And I still wonder how james and Lily could have got a child so nice as Harry who hardly tries to get into trouble, while his parents were either constantly getting into trouble or having a fight. :P
I wonder how the rest of your story is going to be.
You can always ask me for more reviews!
Xxx sweetlovelygirl Report Review
This is sweetlovelygirl from the review thread with your requested review. Now I find this beginning really good. It contained so many things I, and I think most of us, have thought about or had heard about. It gives us a comfortable feeling, knowing that this story is going to take us somewhere familiar in some way. There are no grammtical mistakes as far as I am concerned. And it's funny that the part about decisions is just what my newest challenge is about. All in all I just think this is a great beginning leading to a story with a lot of potential. You can come to me any time for another review.
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Thanks for the wonderful review!
I tried to make the fanfiction as realistic as possible and accurately capture Remus' emotions.
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
Sweetlovelygirl here from the review tag!
This is such a nice story. I really like Deora and you made a great character of her! She has a personality I really like and admire. And I also like the fact how she would try anything just to stay friends with Petey. I can imagine that it must have been hard to write about so many (almost-)OC's, but you really did a great job on that. Kieran and Albert remind me or Fred and George, obviously. Had that been your intention or did you just want to create two funny prank-playing brothers? I had never really thought of Peter's parents as such strict, muggle-born hating people. but it does explain Peter's character and you did well ono that. He is just so cute! I mean, I can just see him in my mind as a small, a bit chubby, shy boy and I just want to hug him! It's alright that you changed the POV because I can see why it had been necessary. There was one error I saw, but I can't seem to find it anywhere now. Great first chap I would say!
Xxx SLG Report Review
sweet_lovely_girl here from the reviewing thread for the review you requested.
I like the way the girls and the boys act around each other. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that these characters are already in fifth year because of their behaviour and thoughts. Maybe you could make them just a bit more mature. Not too much, just a little bit. :)
As for your grammar, that is alright, but I came past some typos while reading. You could find a beta reader for your story if you are really unsure about it. I say you should keep on writing this story. It's really funny and cute!
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Thanks I'm glad you liked it :) I'll try and make sure the characters aren't too immature and I've got a beta reader now so hopefully they'll be fewer typos :') Report Review
This is such a beautiful story! :D I especially like the part where Teddy was comparing Dominique with Victoire. And I really feel for poor Dom. :( As far as I am concerned there are no typos nor grammar mistakes! :D You really have a great way of writing. And the kiss in the rain, the whole scene actually, was just way too romantic and way too cute. I really really liked this story. Great job!
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! I am glad you liked this story! I have just finished writing a sequel which I'll submit when the queue opens.
I feel for Dom as well, and am glad you could sympathise with her and liked the comparison part. Relief to know that there are no grammar mistakes! The kiss in the rain and stuff was a little cliche, I was afraid, but I am happy you found it cute! Thanks again for your review! Report Review
I personally think this is a great story, also because I just love Draco/Astoria fanfics. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more after the break!
Xxx SLG Report Review
Nice chapter, I like the way your characters are really round. Oh gosh, you made me start to hate Draco (even though I am such a big Draco-fan). I would like to know more about that Ravenclaw boy though. Handsome AND smart, I haven't seen that combination very often. ;) Keep up the good work and I hope to read more after the Christmas break!
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Thanks! Abigail and Theodore are very multifaceted...I'm still working on making this post-HBP Draco... still a bit arrogant, but changed after everything in HBP. Thank you so much for reviewing on every chapter, I really appreciate it! - KP Report Review
I liked this chapter although I find it hard to believe that Draco would just fancy someone he hardly knows. But still, great story! :D
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Well, Draco really just thinks she's attractive - he doesn't particularly have feelings for her yet. I'll go through and try to make that more clear. Thank you so much for your reviews :) -KP Report Review
Wow, this plot is just great. It's really my thing. :D Only one thing: I don't know if it's a typo, but it's ParkinSon and not Parkington. If you mean Pansy Parkinson that is. ^^' But overall a good job and great story. Up to the
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! And thanks for catching Parkinson, I'll be sure to change it once the queue is open again. -KP Report Review
I think this story is really realky cute. I have never read a fanfic about how Molly and Arthur got together and I think you did a good job. What I miss is the 'Weasley-things', you know, the things about Weasleys that they don't have much money and that they have more children than that they could raise and stuff. You could have put more of these facts in your story. I also would've liked to read more about confrontations with Malfoy and his gang. There are still some minor errors. But still: GOOD JOB!
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing. I will most likely go back and revise this again so I can put in some more 'Weasley-stuff'. Sort of realized while I was writing it that I didn't quite put that much in. Thank you! Report Review
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