I actually love this story. It's so good.
I'm just hoping Hermione and Draco begin dating soon, to be honest. But you know, it's coming along at a nice pace. (:
But one thing.
You take a BREATH, but you BREATHE constantly. It's a common mix up, but it's annoying. Just remember BREATH is singular like "my breath got caught in my throat." but BREATHE is what you do, like "I couldn't breathe for a moment." the E softens the sound of the word. Just letting you know, but that's really the only mistake I see commonly at all. (:
Once again, I love love love the story. (:
Keep it coming I say.Author's Response: Thank you so so much :)
I'll be speeding things up very soon because I have 6-7 chapters left for this story to finish up so you can count on feelings being confessed soon? ;)
Oh and thank you for that ^ Ive been keeping it in mind while writing but if you see the mistake, please please let me know if it isn't too much of trouble!
Thank you again xx :) Report Review
I hope you know that this is pretty much the ONLY HPFF I read anymore - yes I know I dropped it for forever and a half. But I was busy. -.-'
It was amazing. Truly brilliant. There were a lot of amazing parts in both Keep Away and Hide and Seek. Particularly in Hide and Seek when Jane puts on her skimpy nurse's costume. That was great. OH! and last chapter where Oliver appeared in the team's meeting and where Jane pounced on him. Of course, only after she called him an asshole. Because that's just what Jane does.
Though I must say I wished the epilogue was actually Jane's and Oliver's wedding, not Katie and George's. But ah well (will you make a one shot of it for me? PRETTY PLEASE?) I know I didn't comment as frequently as I really should have, but you know - I enjoy reading the stories. And truly, I loved this duo. Hopefully one day I'll come up with a stunning idea like this. But not fanfiction. It'll be an actual story, that'll sell. Just so you know - this is amazing. This whole story just makes me want to write all over again (it's something I dropped. I need to pick it up again).
Anyways - back to my favourite parts. When they went to the spa. When Ang told Fred she thought she might have been knocked up and Fred wanted to name him Fred. THE ENTIRE EPILOGUE.
In Keep Away? When Jane is made Reserve Seeker. When Oliver catches her when she catches the snitch in the last game. The Halloween escapade.
Well - What else can I say?
Well there's one thing.
I LOVED THE WHOLE THING AND I AM GOING TO STALK YOUR OTHER STORIES (expect more reviews)!
Just so you know, I love the chapter pictures and they are all wonderful and beautiful.
You're an amazing author. Tell me when you publish a book will you? This story is brilliant, and it truly makes me want to pick up writing again.
So expect a few more reviews of mine to pop up all over your other stories. ^.-
-HaylenieAuthor's Response: Aw! Well, I'm glad you were able to come back and finish it!
That really is just what Jane does. I love that she has no reservations with Oliver. She just ... does. I like that about their relationship.
I think if I did the epilogue at Jane and Oliver's wedding it would have to be WAY more than just one portion of a chapter. I wouldn't have been able to contain myself. I really want to do a one-shot sometime. I'll probably post that info on a story I am updating to tell people it's out.
I really hope you decide to check out my other stories! I'd love to see what you think of them.
I'm working on a couple original novels right now and I've published several short stories. Just crossing my fingers and working hard :)
I'll be looking forward to those reviews! Thanks! Report Review
Awesome story so far!
But I thought this was an Oliver/OC story???
I WANT MY OLLIE! (make her call him that sometime next chapter just to piss him off.)
Can you give me a chapter estimation on when things between them will happen a bit?
As amazing as this story is, George/OC is not my favourite pairing.
Sorry, but I love my Ollie more than I love George.
But anyways, this story is like a 25/10. Just so you know. It's pretty amazing and I love it.
So keep up the writing, even if you don't want to.
Don't be a me and procrastinate with writing.
I'm a hypocrite that way.
Anyways! Keep up the awesome story, and keep making me smile along with Hailey.
-Haylenie (:Author's Response: Hello!
I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far! I have so many more exciting things coming up...I can't wait to get more up! And I actually will be working on Chapter 27 tonight, as I have a good portion of it hand written and waiting to be typed! So I will keep going [Even with my incessantly long breaks between chapters :p I'm good at procrastinating already xD].
As for Oiver/OC...well, not giving anything away or anything *cough* but I'm working on it. I've got the entire plot set and there are things planned. But it takes getting thorugh some fluff chapters first. Because they all spin into the main plot, and fluff isn't my favorite thing to write. But I would guess...in the next 4-5 chapters maybe?
Thank you soo much for reading and reviewing! I loved the reveiw!
~Grimmerz Report Review
Such a good chapter! Heck, this whole story is awesome. I love it! The plot is really good, and Hermione and Draco are awesome. ^.^ I'm really enjoying reading this story. I'm excited ro read more.
-Haylenie Report Review
*tear, tear ,tear* So that's it eh? How sad. How depressing... Well... I guess I shall HAVE to live with that then.
I read your whole story, an I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you write. IT noto nly engrosses me and keeps me interested, but it's also a very calm style of writing, so whenever I decide to stop reading (which isn't often I assure you) I don't feel like I'm just letting it sit. ^.^
So Really, I'm going to look up your authors page and possibly read more stories of yours kay?
Keep up your awesome writing too.
-Haylenie (: Report Review
A half-naked Oliver is always appreciated I say. ^.^ I really like how they solved everything. Amazing writing, I love your writing. In fact.. I LOVE YOU!! keep up the amazing writing okay?
-HaylenieAuthor's Response: Half naked. All naked. Yup. Oliver is awesome. Thank you so much! I promise to keep up the writing! ps. your name is really pretty :) Report Review
so friggen adorable.
You most definitely have to continue this story up to the point that Oliver proposes. and then you must have another sequel because you have to know ALL the crama of the wedding planning! ^.^
-HaylenieAuthor's Response: Haha! I'll just keep writing for the rest of their lives, shall I? I think that sounds like a fabulous idea. And then all about when Jane gets preggo and Oliver has to deal with THAT piece of pie. Not good. Thank you so much! Report Review
oh grrr. Dont get to them talking why don't you. *rolls eyes* GET TO THE GOOD STUFF ALREADY!!! I DEMAND YOU MAKE ANOTHER CHAPTER ASAP!
-Haylenie. ^.^Author's Response: You are VERY DEMANDING.
Poor Alicia, Katie, and Angelina are very disappointed in your obsession with Oliver. They think they need a little screen time!
haha, thank you so much :) Report Review
Well Germans will be kicked out anyways because the feather was cursed. So that means the Rampant Lions will continue in the game. But THEY LOST! But it's not the end for them. It's the end for the Germans - the idiots, why would they even BOTHER with the feather? Now they are getting disqualified.
I've decided to keep this review short because I'm lazy right now, and am slightly tired, so sorry for that, but next chapter's review shall be considerably longer okay?
Love you, and continue the writing.
-Haylenie.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
Haha, I'm glad that you have such faith in me! Hopefully you won't have to wait too much longer for the next update. it's looking rather promising at the moment...
Hehe, you left a review, that's all that matters! So get some sleep, eat chocolate, and be merry! Report Review
*takes deep breath*
Now, I'm sorry I haven't reviewed lately. I didn't expect for TWO chapters to be waiting when I got home... I've been at summer camp for the past three weeks and there's no computers there. So I shall review this chapter now.
Beginning - I really like how you showed Matt's desperation and sadness in his yelling and freaking out. Most people wouldn't be able to show that - and yet you were able to do it. 0.0 Kind of scary if you ask me... But that's okie.
I'll review more in the next chappie kii? TTYL.
-HalyenieAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review involving caps lock!
It's perfectly fine that you haven't reviewed recently - the important part is that you're reviewing now, which you are, so happiness can run amuck (oh, and hoe you had fun at camp!)
Matt was so desperate for Jaz, it was a little bit scary, but it's okay because his emotional fit thingy came and he got the girl!
Can't wait! SEE YOU THEN! Report Review
*clears throat, sits up straight, and cracks knuckles*
This one will be a doozey.
SO! With the whole party inviting thing-a-majig, You said the Slytherin brothers brinigng 12 people was nothing to how much the Marauders brought, doesn't that mean that really then, Kylie brought close to no one? Like, I mean she only invited three people... That's a bit sad. I think she should have brought more than that, then it would have been awesome.
Then on to Jaz's weird tendencies when it comes to dressing up! Really, she deemed everyone's choices as bad or something of the like. And then she chose all their dresses for them. I'm sorry, but I don't think I could live with that... being told what to buy and such... No clue how Kylie can put up with that. I feel that it's just Jaz's caring side coming out a bit boisterous don't you? I think she's a bit too caring for her own good at times, and therefore seems really pushy. But the question is WHY did she decide to put everyone before herself? WHY? Well, I think it has to do with what Kylie mentioned while Jaz was doing her own makeup - that Jaz feels inadequate because of her hair or some other reason and will therefore always place others before herself. That she feels that she doesn't deserve as much attention as other people because she doesn't "look right" or she just isn't good enough is SOME way. Poor Jaz, don't you agree?
CONTINUING ON! Now I'm talking about Kylie's mother hen-like tendencies... I agree with Sirius on this one. She always feels like it's her duty - her right, to take care of everyone around her. That's why she was sitting there with Madge so she didn't feel left out, that's why she cared about Matt's love of Jaz. I think she has this weird feeling of that she doesn't want to be having more fun than everyone else, and if she's having more fun than someone else that she knows about, she'll make sure that they have fun as well, even if that means she's no longer having as much fun as before. This is why everyone loves Kylie of course. ^.^
BRYSON TIME! YAAAY! Well now, I had been reading some of the reviews last chapter, about the whole crazy Bryson-ness, and I read one by SunnyRae (Yes, I enjoy her reviews too), and she said that she thought Bryson was gay and in love with Sirius. And as much as I laughed at it at the time and thought it was ridiculous, IT WAS HALF RIGHT! 0.0 Bryson IS gay (holy crap), but not in love with Sirius, he's in love with Canadian boy Jasper. I kind of fan girl screamed when I read he was Canadian, as I was born and live in Ontario Canada. Though having only ONE TEAM for all of Canada seems a bit weird. Canada is the second biggest country IN THE WORLD (right after Russia... sadly), so shouldn't they have like... 5 teams? (I split it up into parts of Canada) But whatever, I'll rant another time. ^.^ But JASPER! WOT! So Bryson just KIND OF came out of the closet to Kylie. Though that was only because she caught them making out in a bathroom. Though I didn't expect Bryson to have been like mauled by some crazy homeless woman. Though explain something to me - If Bryson was already together with Jasper when he got Kylie and Sirius back together, why was he all sulky? Please do explain that one to me.
NOW TO JAZ AND MATT!! YAY! Matt FINALLY told Jaz he loves her, and such! Cootos to Matt for having the guts for that job. (: Though I think it was a bit harsh of Jaz to just say "I'm sorry" and walk out. That's kind of mean. No explanation or anything, just "I'm sorry" and she's gone... That makes me upset with Jaz. Though I know she'll come around because really, if you want to follow Canon, Remus has to go marry Nymphadora Tonks. ^.^ So what has Jaz decided to do when she ran off to go join Remus? Is she going to try and forget the little piece of information of MATT LOVES HER?! I don't really think that's possible. She'll think about it against her will and then she'll end up falling in love with Matt in return, and she'll break up with Remus to go date Matt.
So there was my lovely review for you.
-HaylenieAuthor's Response: ~Settles in, throws her hands behind her head, and prepares herself for a long read~
Thank you for the wonderfully long chapter, my dear!
Kylie didn't feel the need to invite more people for several reasons. One, she already had all of the people she really cared about going - the others on the Rampart Lions, Jaz, Matt, Madge - so she didn't really find it necessary. Secondly, maybe you haven't noticed, but Kylie doesn't have the greatest relationships with the people she isn't intimately friends with. She doesn't really talk to the other girls in her dorm, so she didn't really feel the need to invite others.
Kylie puts up with it because, for one, Jaz is always right. Yes, she's demanding, but she always seems to know exactly what will make Kylie and the others look and feel fantastic. And, Jaz has always been that way. She's gotten used to it, and maybe even enjoys it a little because, as we know, her mother left and no one has really paid much attention to her in a femenine, girl-to-girl way. Jaz does feel very insecure with herself, so she doesn't see why she should waste the effort on herself when she doesn't think it will do anything. There's a sense of satisfaction that she gets with dressing up the others, making them look your best... that's where she gets it.
Kylie has this thing about caring for people so deeply that she doesn't really understand it. If she likes you, then she'll do anything for you - including hover around like you're the most fragile thing in the world if she feels like you need her. She tries her best to do what she can, but sometimes, that almost isn't enough... at least, that's what she feels, even though she does way too much.
I love SunnyRae - she comes up with the best predictions, and sometimes they aren't completely off. Like in this case - half right. I couldn't have Bryson's homosexuality be directed towards Sirius - he is KYLIE'S, DAMMIT - but he did have feelings for a boy. The reason there is only one team for Canada is kind of the same reason why there is only one team for Russia - population. besides, half of Europe goes to Hogwarts! He wasn't with Jasper when he got Kylie and Sirius back together - he was in love with Jasper, but not with him. It wasn't until that night that he and the boy actually got their broom closet action. At the time, he was still torn up because he thought that he could never be with the person he wanted to be with.
You kind of have to respect Jaz's position. She was with a boy, who she never thought she would get, then was kissed by another boy who she's known all her life and never expected love from. Again, it's her I-don't-deserve-anything complex - instead of just having one boy, she has two. So, please, forgive her :/ You'l see how this deal ends eventually, though, it actually will just end in the next chapter... so it won't take to long!
And what a lovely, perfect review it was! Report Review
I especially loved this last chapter and how you wrote it, you went into the future and stuff. I also love how this entire story is made to mesh together with the future. People often wonder why Sirius never married someone. But from the beginning of this story, you know Mary is going to die. And then Sirius falls in love with her, and then you realise that he never got married because he loved Mary so damn much, and she was dead. And then you see at the end there with Peter, him standing in front of the mirror, knowing full well he detested and disgusted himself, and he didn't even mourn Mary's death. That was something I odn't think I could have really done... You made Peter's character pretty shockingly perfect to what he was in the actual HP books. You can see that he kind of detested his friends too, you could see the resentment in the writing. I love how you showed your emotion through your writing styles. You never slightly lead on to anything more, and when you wrote from another person's perspective, it was amazing really. I loved it, I loved it all. Actually, you are right up there with my other favourite author on the site.
You know, I never really wanted to read this story, because I was thiking like "Naw, it seems so dark and depressing, and I don't wantt o read a stroy about Mary McDonald." But now that I have, I'm glad I did. i've passed my this story about 10 times in the past year or so, and now tjhat I've read it and cried my eyes out to the point I dopn't have tears left to shed, I shall leave this story listed as one of my favourites in case I wish to read it again. Just so you know.
I hope you know this story is a stroke of pure genius,
-Haylenie Report Review
Wow. best chapter I think I've ever read in my entire life. Do you know why? I literally just cried from beginning to end of that chapter. And am still crying if you want to know. This story is so amazing, and so full of wisdom that I didn't know most poeple had. How did you come across the wosdom of "enjoy the little things in life, they're what's most important"? I want to know that one okay. And the last three zsentences "then everything stops. And it ends. Finally." That made me start crying all over again. There were a few times duriong this amazingly brilliant chapter that I had to stop reading because I was cring too much... I am ready to read the next chapter now... hopefully.
-Haylenie Report Review
good story so far, only one problem I have... all the spelling errors. ESPECIALL QUIET! You keep spelling "quiet" as "quite" "quiet" means they don't talk much and are shy. "quite" means VERY, like "quite silly"
Jyust saying. Very good plot anyhow... I hope she tells them soon anyhow. ^.^
-Haylenie Report Review
Oh, and so THIS is where you decide to stop writing eh?!
AT SUCH AN AMAZING POINT YOU STOPPED WRITING?!?!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!
Oh, um sorry for that little outburst of mine... I didn't mean for that to happen... (:
If it means anything to you, the story is abesolutely amazing. I think it's pretty amazing, and kind of creepy how Voldemort has a blood bond with her. And actually, Voldemort couldn't be a first cousin once removed. The only thing he could possibly be is a second uncle. Just so you know ^.- Because her father would we the son of the crazy Gaunt that only liked to speak in parsletounge, and then as Voldy is the son of the daughter, the two would be cousins, making her his second neice. ^.- Like my logic there?
Also, one thing I didn't particularly like, was Sirius screaming at Artemis about going home anyways, acting as if she knew she was going to be tortured... Though I also applaud you on that there, as you stuck so well to the character of Sirins that you created I just have to be glad for you doing such a feat. ^.^
Another thing, this story is so amazing I have almost cried like 20 million tims in it. Like in this chaptr and the previous chapter where Voldemort is torturing her, and you see just how little her dad cares about her, and you see just how horrible Voldemort is, and how little he cares about besides himself, it just hurt, and I almost cried. You are truly an amazing author. All I can ask of you is to keep on writing your amazing story and to update soon. please and thank you!
-Haylenie Report Review
FINALLY! I GOT TO READ THE LAST CHAPTER!
Do you know how much trouble I went through to get here?!
Right before I read "Apologise" the site crashed on me! Though finally, at midnight, I am able to finish this amazing fanfiction. ^.^
I LOVE it. I like how she spews her guts out unknowingly to Sirius in doggy form ^.^
I think it would have been cool if she was like "You look a lot like the dig that I fed last summer. I named him Rufus." That would have been coolio. though it didn't happen.
I also happened to LOVE LOVE LOVE the ending. ^.^ The oozing cheese was amazingly adorable. I like it a lot. And I love how he's wondering if he did the right thing in following her or not. ^.-
So, basically, the entire story was AMAZINGLY BRILLIANT!
I am so pumped to read the sequel.
-Haylenie Report Review
(I exceeded the limit of 6000 characters... did you know there was a LIMIT?) I'm going to talk about possible upcoming events. ^.^ YAY! *dances* I think that her whole story should come unraveling one night when James is training her, and they see the beast lurking somewhere beneath where they are practicing, and she like grabs her dagger on her thigh (of course it's always there, she needs her personal protection right?) and like throws it at the beast, making it look up at them and growl menacingly at them (of course the dagger did barely anything, what would it do to a magical creature of that size?) Elaina flies close enough to the ground for her to jump off all the while James is freaking out screaming at her that why wouldn't she just run away? When Ella hits the ground from her 10-foot jump, she lights her hands, and one hand is filled with that pure blue flame. She shoots it at the beast, but it just EATS the flame! She freaks out and wonders how she could possibly defeat this horrifying thing! Then she remembers her training with large beasts. Stay on top of them so they can't harm you! So she jumps up to James' broom (as he flew lower and lower to the ground) and she like flips onto the beast's back, confusing it, and then takes the dagger that she had planted by it's right shoulder blade, and pulls it out, and then stabs the beast again where it could have it's heart, and drags the dagger causing a line. The creature's blood begins to pour out, and you realize that the beast's blood is BLACK! This thing is so crazy evil that one person shouldn't be able to handle it. The beast's blood has the stench of decaying dead bodies, and Elaina can barely handle it, though she does, and alights her hand again, this time forcing the flame on the patch where the blood sprang from. All the while, this beast is trying to get Elaina the hell OFF ITS BACK! But as she had dug her heels into the sides of it, she had a firm grip on it so that it can't eat her. The beast's black blood begins to turn red under the flame and changes from smelling of decaying dead bodies to normal blood should. Eventually, the beast's real form is seen, and you see that it was an evil creature with no fur or hair to speak of and is rail thin, though it continues to burn, and soon Elaina has to jump off of the creature, but luckily her trusty broom is above her head and she jumps onto it to save herself from the burning monster. Though as soon as she gets onto her broom James freaks out and wonders why the hell she attacked that thing, and how come she acted like she knew what the hell she was doing. And then... Elaina spills the beans to him. He is shocked, though he admits he always thought there was something off about her, and that her secret had to be something big. And he accepts her. Though the others don't. The others begin to hate her, causing her to be an outsider, though Anne is with her and defends her as well. Soon enough, by the end of the story, she has the whole story out, and her friends are back by her side. ^.^ ALONG WITH PJ!
Hope you like my super long review
PS - that was my longest review everAuthor's Response: Thanks for the amazingly long and fantactically detailed review that somehow managed to esxceed the limit no one knew existed! Honestly, I have never seen such a huge block of text in a review before - so congradulations on that wonderful feat on my poor, neglected story!
I really enjoyed your ideas of how the story should end - unfortunately, there's a lot more to it than the beast who has been terrorizing Hogwarts for too long now. I love your description of the beast - how it's this nasty huge thing that slowly turns into this horrific thing straight from nightmares. It's quite impressive! You must be a writer yourself :D
I really, really, really enjoyed your review, and am so unbelievably greatful that you wrote it all out for me: it's tryely a wonderful prediciton that I love quite a lot. Maybe some of it might work it's way into Shadows of Midnight, yeah? Report Review
Oh. My. GOODYGOSHNESS!
That chapter was pretty flipping AMAZING SAUCE!
(don't you just love all my non-words today?)
So, my super-dee-duperdee long review today. ^.^ So here goes...
So, beginning at the beginning, it seems that Sirius is scared Kylie may leave him, even though it was confirmed nothing would happen with the chapter. I think this is because it's like he held her hand super tight when they entered the Great Hall the day after they got back together. It may be that he's like thinking she's too good to be true, that she's almost like a mirage. I think that was pretty cool. That he finds her that amazing. It's obvious she thinks the same of Sirius, though not in the same sense. She was frightened what others may think, and was frightened of what Sirius might do when faced with her friends again.
On the topic of Bryson, which I neglected to talk about last chapter, I think we're in the same position here as Matt is with Jaz. I think this one is going to be the exact same thing. Because if you go back to the Ouija Board chapter, it tells you that Sirius will have he baby, but they won't ever get married, and that they will break up. Also, I don't think you are an author to disrupt the natural balance of everything, meaning having them be together... That never happens. I think that EVERYONE knows that Bryson has a horrible crush on Kylie. And as much as he wants Kylie to be happy (as is proven by him forcing the two of them to get back together), he really loves her and wants to be with her as well. So I think that Eventually something will happen where Sirius and Kylie break up after she gets pregnant, and Bryson will be there to pick up the pieces. I think that eventually Kylie and Bryson will get married. But those are just my thoughts. Though as it stands now, you know Bryson has a huge crush on Kylie and doesn't want to let her go. So you know this, and then you can also tell that he won't let anything bad happen to her, or he will protect her. As was proven last chapter again.
Then, on to something else - THE MATCH! Those Camels were VICIOUS! Though that one guy was really twitchy... I thought you had taken my idea and had the curse or whatever on the feather that he gave her... but apparently not... ): But I'll live. Gosh, this game they fought tooth and nail to win. But what I don't get is that you said in there that the Hogwarts team was seamless, that they were amazing. Then why were they loosing? Was it JUST their speed because the Camels were so fast or no? And that dirty trick - I want to know what happens to that captain. Did he become permanently injured? Or will he make a full recovery? I hope he'll make a full recovery, but if he doesn't, then Kylie will be crushed with knowing that SHE DID THAT to a person. I don't think she'd be able to handle that type of guilt.
Then on to another topic, you had a very good atmosphere this chapter. You used calming words that are meant to soother a person. Like even in there you said that for the first time in a long time Kylie felt at ease and peaceful. So that's good. It means that things are slightly calming down from last chapter. It also means that it presents more opportunity for more drama. YAY! ^.^
OH! Talking about drama. BRYSON. What was he up to before the game? Like was he trying to actually kill himself or no? Was he cutting his neck? Was he trying to hang himself? Was he trying to impale himself? I know James didn't do that, because if James had done that, everyone would have seen blood on James' hands, and then also, if James did it, Bryson would have willingly told Kylie, and not tried to cover it up and say it was nothing. I think it falls into his whole "I'll tell you after the competition." category. It may very well have had something to do with how he didn't want Kylie to know his feelings, or how he thought she might turn against him.
*takes a deep breath and lets it all out* SO! Now that my Super-dee-duperdee long review is done, remember to reply please and thank you!
PS (that was WAY LONGER than what I expected. Hope you don't mind... *blushes*)Author's Response: Thanks for the amazing, amazing, AMAZING long review that made my heart about stop in pure joy when I saw it sitting here!
Sirius and Kylie, though completely disfunctional at times, really love each other with the kind of depth that they don't understand. They spent six years HATING each other, which kind of... deepened the emotional well they had concerning each other; I mean, hate is a really powerful emotion, and when you have it for that long it leaves some pretty big holes. So when they finally fell in love, the depth of their hate immeaditely switched into a more positive emotion. That, and the fact that they disliked each other for so long is an excellant contrast. They know what it's like to hate each other and what it's like to love each other, so they don't want to fall back in to their old ways.
I really wish I could comment long and hard about your paragraph (because there's nothing else to call it - it's so great!) regarding Bryson - but I can't. Not until the next chapter comes out, at which point you wil probably have OOODLES to say about it - but until then, just know that I loved reading about your take on what could come and what Bryson feels!
Don't worry honey - there are still lots of matches for twitchy players, right? The Camels were REDICULIOUSLY fast - and when Kylie removed herself from the game to try and pull her dirty move, that's one less person protecting your teammates. And it doesn't do much good when you have the quaffle and you get smacked around by some guy with a bat. If the guy doesn't recover, then yes, Kylie will have to deal with that guilt - and as you've noticed, guilt isn't something she does very well with. She's usually such a good, moral person, that she has trouble with her inner deamons a lot more than anyone thinks.
Kylie has trouble with relaxation almost as much as she has trouble with stress; between the drama with Sirius, preparing for the match, the Jaz-Remus-Matt love triangle, and fighting her own nightmarish past, she doesn't get a chance to breathe very often. So I thought it was finally time to give her a minute of peace - yeah?
Again, I can't tell you exactly what happened to Bryson's neck until the NEXT chapter. You're right when you say that it wasn't James - no blood, not willing to speak, as you said. It does fall into that catagory - you're perfectly spot on!
All right, I'm just going to give you an amazingly huge ammount of thanks for how beautiful and long this review was! It was absolutely amazing and completely made my week! You're epic! Thank you again so so so so so so so so so so so so so MUCH! Report Review
hehehehe. Awesome. The red-blooded male. That Oliver is, he also happens to be an anal-retentive quidditch captain that can't keep his pants on or thoughts straight aorund Keegan. hehehe. ^.^
heep write pwetty pwease!
-HaylenieAuthor's Response: I will I will!! Thanks Haylenie for a lovely review and so sorry that this response is so late but I do appreciate it!! Report Review
That was absolutely amazing. Oh, and the summary is very misleading I hope you know. ^.-
But Despite it all, I loved it. It was so beautifully written that I almost cried - Again. You can most definitely write a good story I can tell you that.
"Breaking his heart had been the best thing I'd ever done."
I'm not so sure you see all the truth in those words. They go so far beyond all the literal sense, like how she had broken his clay heart. Before she had actually broken his emotional heart. And it turned out to be the best thing she'd ever done. Not only did it strengthen their relationship, but it also got truths out into the open that they wouldn't have said if they hadn't had a horrible break up. So truly, breaking his heart was the best thing she ever did.
Also, I like how you described Sirius in this chapter. Usually you use little words like "His bark-like laugh" or "His smiling eyes" but this chapter, you used words that went so far beyond that. It was heartfelt. So strongly heartfelt that it seemed that I could feel her pain. It wasn't like she held any animosity against him at all. In fact, she had him on a pedestal that she wouldn't let him come off of. You described Sirius in this chapter as "Sirius. Beautiful, wonderful, perfect Sirius." You said that in the chapter where the mood was so serious and strained that you could practically feel it coming off the computer. So when something is so serious, you can tell that these words are coming from the heart. You can tell that she honest to Merlin thinks that he is perfect. She actually thought she didn't deserve him to forgive her. I love how you made it so clear. don't let anyone tell your writing is redundant. Your writing is actually some of the best I've ever read. And that includes books. Stephanie Meyer could take lessens from you. ^.-
So with all that said, I want you to keep writing. And I think it's a funny coincidence that your writing is going to slow down, just as I'm just about leaving this site, but only on here anymore to read your story and to write my own fanfiction form time to time.
So keep on writing, and continue being amazing
PS (reply, I'll read it)(oops! that was a long review wasn't it?)Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
Yeah, sorry about the summary - when the opertunity arose, I couldn't help myself. I guess I give in too easily to temptation or something!
The point of this chapter definately was NOT to make you cry - it was to make you happy! But I guess... sometimes things don't go the way we plan them to, huh?
I'm glad that someone realized the double-jointedness of Kylie's words. You're absolutely right - breaking his emotional heart allowed so many things to come out, and now they can be even stronger and deeper than they had been before.
I try to let my word choice mirror what's going on in the chapter - angry for an angry emotion, soft for sadness or gentleness, etc. I'm glad that you picked up on the change for this chapter - Kylie's almost hero-worshiping of Sirius, his evident dejection, and both of then not really being able to come to terms with the emotions of the other. And, really, I'm not going to lie - you saying that I was better than Stephanie Meyer kind of made me squeal. I'm not exactly a huge fan of hers, but she's really made it in the literary world and that gives me hope :D
I don't think that I could ever stop writing - it's my additction, and I'm not self-sacrificial enough to ever put my imaginative mind to bed. It's too bad that you're thinking about leaving - this site will really miss having you!
There is no such thing as a too-long review. just saying. Report Review
Ahahahaa. I like it. You're a good author. keep doing other stories. That was actually really adorable. ^.^
-Halenie Report Review
Oh wow... well now. I usually don't like stories tht move as quickly as this one... but this is just really interesting. like I enjoy how you put so much emotion and description into the few words you have. And even thoguh it's not much, it covers oh so much and i love it. Keep on writing and I'lll read it okie???
Keep up the good work,
-HaylenieAuthor's Response: I wrote it soo long ago :p
I'm trying to rework it to fit my new writing style lol but editing takes so much time I can't fine enough of it, but if you like it that much I'll try and write a chapter this weekend :) Report Review
*hands a jar of tears over to Author* That's what happenned when i read this chapter... okay.. maybe not, but the only thing stopping me was the fact that I'm wearing mascara... But there's a giant lump in my throat. But that was a really really sad chapter. I think it's time that they hit a bump in the road. They didn't before. They have to now. So a short break- up period would make sense.
though as she has Sirius' baby, they kind of have to get back together soon. RIGHT?
But I guess the biggest question is HOW WILL THIS AFFECT THEIR SKILLS? Like obviously it will affect Sirius' skills, but Kylie is made of tougher stuff than that. I think she'll be fine, and very possibly step it up and be harder on herself because sh'es depressed. C'mon. Do that one, make her do that "I'm all right, it's okay. I'm stong. I'm moving on." when really she isn't, and she's depressed and lonely like mad. If you haven't gotten started on your next chapter already. ^.^
So, ALSO, when's that feather problem going to crop up? next chapter when they play their next game, or later? I would put the feather thing next, because then it will be like everything is just getting wose, and everyone knows everything gets worse before it gets better. C'mon... Don't you agree?
Remember to reply,
-Haylenie : )Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
No, don't cry! I don't want tears, unless they're from laughing, in which case it's okay!
Go away, stupid lump - bother someone else!
I'm glad that you agree with the whole... issue, even though it's pretty rough to deal with.
Do I detect a threat in that RIGHT? Haha, just kidding... I think.
I'm kind of glad that you have absolutely no faith in Sirius whatsoever... though, going off of what we've seen in the past, he doesn't deserve much. I do like your idea, though that's kind-of-sort-of where I was going with it, but... partially. You'll have to see.
Unfortunately, if I told you when I was doing everything, I wouldn't be a very good author, so you'll have to wait on when I do what until the chapter gets posted. Patience is a virtue, but when you are blessed with none... well, I don't have any good words of wisedom for you ;P.
Dear, I shall always remember to reply - especially to a faithful reviewer like you! Report Review
Nice. ^.^ I've been reading the story lately, and I love it to bits and pieces... well maybe it has a little bit to do with oliver. But I like how people portray characters. Sometimes he's a huge prick, in other stories he's sweet with a hurtful streak, but in others he's a very complex chaacter that is hard to understand, and definetly, inthis one, he is a very complex character that I'm attempting to undestand.
-HaylenieAuthor's Response: Hahah Oliver does reel in the readers ;) He's kind of irresistible that way, huh? I'm so glad you think he's a complex character because to be honest, I let my characters explain themselves for the most and even I don't understand him a lot of the times! Haha.. thank you so much for the lovely review!! xxx Report Review
Foreshadowing??? Well for one, the girls are going to try and get Liv and Fred together along with Katie and Oliver. At least that's what I think. ^.^Probably wrong, but whatever. =^.^=
But my oh my, this story is amazing. I have a feeling that even though it's not a common couple, it'll be picked up my lots of people soon enough.
-HaylenieAuthor's Response: Awe, I am so happy! :D thank you, I'm glad you like my story! your wondeful review just made my night. Report Review
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