Reading Reviews From Member: Sleeping Paige
  
47 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Sleeping Paige Pax: She died screaming his name

28th March 2010:
Right. So, I figure it's only right that I extend a hand and offer you a review in return. I liked the title of this one because it reminded me of that movie 'K-Pax'. Of course, I'm refering to the title and nothing else. Have you seen it? It's brillant.

Well, you seem to have written this one a while ago, so I'll just point out that I liked how evasive the opening was. You followed a pattern of one of my pet peeves, though, but we'll get there in a paragraph. Saying she was like an angel is really rather cliche. The comma that you placed in the first sentence places an unneccessary break, and that really sets off the tone. That phase '...fallen asleep in a delicate pose' is part of an impressive line. It might be the most powerful in the piece. You should have set up the Ministry courtroom, especially since this is the First War and that was hit on with such force in GoF. The name Artemis is a powerful one, so that is a name that fits perfectly in JKR's world. Perhaps had small hints. Really, the scene with Crouch in the rattlling chains chair is so powerful.

Okay, let's cover the pet peeve. Things like spells, charms, locations and such are always capitialised in the canon. I think that it's important to master that if you turn to fan fiction to honour the literature. Two that I see off the top of my head are 'Cruciatus Curse' and 'Secret Keeper' (definately that one).

Shall we go over grammar? You have weakness with possesion. There is an area where you should have purt the adverb, so that the line looks like, 'sleeps peacefully'. The 'his lips shook' part can be taken out to make a stronger sentence. You do the same with the above where you should have put 'peaceful death'. Sirius should have said, 'I'll get the monster who killed you' because it's likely a person killed this woman and not an object. Yes, they used a wand, but you catch my meaning. That should be 'Potters'' house because there are two in a couple. '...burn to pieces' is a fragment in Sirius's threat. These should not have hphens: noine, nobody, and nonetheless (at least not in mt English variation, that is, and that's American English. )You seem to have a lot of repitition not only with pushing ideas, but your word choice is limited. Just look at the last sentences. You have the word 'peace' four times and you mention over and over again that she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel it.

Well, this is a lot and I know that I looked at small pieces. It matters, though. I liked the idea that Sirius lost somebody in the War, and you definately took another angle, so it's not that cliche. Did I mention that I like the name 'Olivia'? There's a mourning Olivia in Shakespeare, 12th Night. i know this is a lot and it's straightfoward. The cool thing is that you know how to use semi-colons. Nobody who starts out writing knows that, Xe. I like the idea, but you can use some revision. I do that all the time. I hope that this helps.

Let me know.

SP

7/10

Author's Response: Gah, so many of my one-shots are terrible. That's why I only put the ones in for challenges up for review: they often need a LOT of attention. Right now, I'm sitting with the writing in front of me, revising it before I have to go out (woo, extra dance revision).

Strength is a weakness. Ironic, no?

I think I should be able to complete the revisions tonight -- perhaps you could have a look afterwards and see if I've improved in the slightest?

xE

ps. Oh, and it's Ella =)


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Review #2, by Sleeping Paige The Antidote: Death of a War Hero

27th March 2010:
Echolynn,

What an interesting spin. Iíve never read a Severus / Hermione and Iím glad that itís so unexpected and unique. Before we get into the piece, Iíd like to take a moment before I review and tell you how things go. I'm straightforward. First off, I make general comments on the piece before I kind of walk you through everything. Well, this certainly is not what I expected and I like different pieces. Itís not a gooey teacher romance written just to have an odd canon pair. It is more of that mystery of digging up someone elseís life from the bare bones and piecing it together. She sounds like she has a lot of respect for him. Thatís not too far-fetched as far as canon goes, is it? I mean anything that she said toward Snape was really in accordance to whatever Harry or Ron said. When we get angry, we all bicker about our professors, our parents our whatever. Hermione takes a step back.

Itís interesting that you let her see Snape one last time. This makes me wonder that if, in the canon, Harry revealed that much to Ron or Hermione about the ĎPrinceís Taleí. You know? So, it sounds here that you have Hermione get that position. You show the respect towards him and have that idea of the silvery matter in the phial. Does she view this all in the Pensieve like Harry? Would that not give her a total outside perspective? The Headmaster office scene sounds a little off because of Dumbledore. But, before we even get there, I want to commend you for your comments about the dead bodies. No other writer has gone that far. Yes, itís a minor, grotesque detail, but wouldnít those corpses that were sleeping peacefully start to carry some stench? The smell of death is awful. I understand that JKR couldnít allude to that in her tone of a last chapter, but you captured that experience in one sentence.


All right. My main thing about the Headmasterís Office is that in the first scene, Dumbledore seems completely off. His voice, his tone and his mannerisms seem too modern. Heís a difficult character to master because he is ancient, rhetoric, reason, understanding, brilliance, sympathy all wrapped up into one package. I donít see how JKR mastered that and I havenít seen anybody pull that off but her. He certainly wouldnít refer to Hermione as Ďgirlí. It took me a moment to realize that she was, in a sense, getting inspiration from another dead corpse. (Thatís a good connection, huh? Iím surprised I write that! Sorry Ö) Aside from the creepy thought, though, this makes perfect sense. Were you going for the parallelism there? Be honest. I mean, ití s Dumbledore. So, except for the language, youíre doing all right.

Personally, I think you switching to any other POV but Hermione makes no sense here.

I like that the funeral service is so formal. You tie in little canon details like Andromeda and Teddy. I donít think your paragraph breaks are needed because the story flows well without them. Youíre going from this day to the next. The presentation of the Order of Merlin, First Class would probably have taken more time because they would have to clear his name. That would have both Hermioneís and Harryís evidence going up against the Wizengamot and appealing to Kingsley. Can you imagine how pissed off some people would be other that? You cannot assume that the dust settles. I think that the White Tomb thing is a Dumbledore thing, really. That irked me a little. Do you understand what Iím saying ? The entire way that you put him to rest was interesting, though.

My main thing here is that you cannot assume that all this happened as quickly as you have it. I am comparing this against the canon and I see flaws. How can she be the one to get the phial? Even so, why wouldnít she immediately sharer that with Harry? I mean, Iím there. If Harry had no watched Snape die or walk past him, he would certainly reach out to have his last say with anyone thatís in Harryís circle of friends. How, when she was searching for Horcruxes for the past year, is she an apprentice? The girl never finished school or got training. How do you excuse that? What is her initial reaction to those memories? Wouldnít she need both McGonagall and the Ministry to sign off on the project? Think about your holes. They need putty with explanation.

You explain the last part well, though. I imagine that McGonagall would need to stay at Hogwarts to fix up the damage. The test thing doesnít make sense. If you think about that, exams would have simply been forgotten or excused. I mean, JKR did it many of times. If anything, they have to reorganize the staff. Amycus, Alecto and them are all gone. Why would she bother when all the subjects have been flipped? Why would you want to test somebody over the Dark Arts? Think about whatever was in place during DH. The whole summer demanded reform. And stepping away from the September 1st tradition? Thatís a little much. Do you see my reasoning here?

I like it, really. I like fan fiction to be true to the original piece because thatís what itís for. You honor the author and you follow her conventions. I hope you consider my points.

Let me know what you think. Should we move on from here? Respond to the review and return the favor,

Sleeping Paige

8/10 Originality

Author's Response: Wow... you put a lot of thought into your review, and I commend you for that lol. As far as my chapter and the plot I have put down goes... This is just how I wanted to start my story really. Keep in mind that this is the 5th piece of work I have ever written. Ever... that includes writeing outside of fanfiction.

As far as the bit of my story that is off-cannon... well it is an AU story. I can say that I will continue to leave Harry and Ron out of the story for the most part because they are not really relevant to my plot. THis is a Sevmione... so it will revolve around them ;)

And of course I could'nt get Dumbledore right... lol. He is a hard one.

Anywho, thanks for the review! *HUGS*


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Review #3, by Sleeping Paige Dragons Wyld: Prologue

27th March 2010:
Rayn,

I am retyping this review because it gave out on me yesterday. It was pretty lengthy, so Iím trying to remember whatever it said. I love that you are writing about Charlie. Very little, in fact, is known about him. Heís one of my favorite Weasley characters Ė I like him or Bill- because they are adults who we know so little about. He works with dragons and his brother is a Curse Breaker. How cool is it? Personally, Iím all into languages, so just simply mentioning Romania in any piece of literature hooks me. Theyíre just so much more interesting than any other person in that family, except, perhaps, Mr. Weasley. He just gives me a laugh. He gets into everything just because and tinkers because he likes to explore. Thatís why I like him. My fatherís the same.
Well, I dfonít usually go for American tales because they step out of canon. In my view, HP belongs in the UK (or a proven magical location like Romania, of course!) Iím kicking myself with that argument, of course, because I believe that as long as you can prove that with a background story and weave it in well, thatís all right. Never just make it American because youíre an American reader. You might like seeing your words on paper, but the plotline in no way reflects the context. JKR was pissed they didnít have her Briticisms, and Iím sorry, I would have been too. It matches the context. You might say that doesnít matter. Perhaps it only matters to me because I study languages, but it does, and there are different varieties of English. Ever read Slumdog Millionaire? The Indian English is there. Perhaps this wouldnít matter. I study languages at university. It matters.

I say all this not just to rant. You do that between your two passages here. I like that you create this whole back story about the American dragon reservoirs. You have obviously thought this out, yeah? The remote locations of the California Ėthough I cannot see any speck of California as Ďremoteí. You tell me. Youíre probably from that region Ė Oklahoma and the such are ideal locations. The Chancellor title (by the way, Iím in my early 20s and my little brother just introduced to Star Wars, so that went through my head for just a second), the desk mannerisms and the speech all fit. Nicolette as an American fits well with the characterization. I like that you have her in an ordinary situations surrounded by magical elements. That is wonderful weaving. Although we donít know much about her, I must say that you have grabbed me. It is just the Prologue, after all. I donít usually like prologues either because writers usually donít understand the purpose of Ďhooking the readerí. Itís a rather wasted explanation. They might as well have jumped into the first chapter with all the rambling fluff. You, Rayn, Iím hooked.

So, the second part is Charlie. Well done. You have painted this atmosphere and showed that he is a rebel toward that boss. A life in the day of a dragon hunter, thatís what you have here. You have made him come alive through these pages with a personality. I donít imagine that he got many women since he was so wrapped up in dragons, yet they were like his second family. (There was other stuff I said in the previous review that isnít in this document.) I like the passage of Fred and George in the Battle. That sounds interesting. At first, I thought that you were discussing Charlieís reaction to a brother. I kept thinking, ĎWhich one?í Itíll be interesting to see how you tie that together.

All right. I noticed two mistakes. Well, three. 'Apparition' and any other magical elements should be capitalized. Another is you use Ďalrightí and that means Ďentirelyí. I think thatís going to fall out of the language, really, for that use is rather universal. You also have double punctuation at the end of two paragraphs. You have an extra comma and period, I believe.

This is one of the best stories Iíve ever seen written here. I donít say that lightly because Iím picky. Just ask. You seem to be of an older audience, so I think you understand the first point. Youíre probably not as sensitive, so I can look at this will a critical eye, which is always nice. Well, have a bored you with this novel review? Somebody understands literary convention and being true to fan fiction :}

Very well done. Iíve been waiting for you to post something since I saw you on the review boards. Please respond and return the favor, if you want to. Well done.
10/10.

Iím hooked.

Sleeping Paige

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I apologize for it taking me so long to get back to you. This passed weekend was a bit hectic :).

I too really like Bill, Mr Weasley and of course Charlie :). I should see if I can't find some of the history of Bill and Fleur on here, it always bothered me that they just up and started seeing each other without explination, lol. I too like Mr. Weasley's tinkering :), his willingness to learn of the muggle world is very rare among wizards and it makes me smile every time he learns something new.

Ah the Chancellor, :D, he's one of my favorite characters to write. He won't play as big a part in this as if he was based out of on of the Ministries abroad, but you'll see him from time to time. He and Nicolette are close. I have a conversation about Nicolette planned for the future where you'll get a nice peak into his psyche.

Admittedly, I don't do Britishisms often or all that well, at least in my opinion. There will be some in later chapters, once Nicolette actually gets to Romania and starts fully interacting with the people on the reserve.. and the poeple in the Ministry there. :).

I'm from California yes, however, the city and its surroundings, mentioned here are ficticious, they were created solely by my game master, I just borrowed them. There are many parts of California that are remote, rugged and rather barren, a good chunk of the south eastern part of the state is desert :).

I'm so glad you're hooked and that I captured your interest. I really worried that the prologue was too long.

I must admit, I'm slightly confused regarding the flashback section. I reworked the part of HD where Fred dies to have Charlie see it from a distance and move to help/rescue him. Nicolette's role will be addressed later; I hope you'll like it :). Its going to be a few months before Charlie gets the nerve to ask her about it, so probabily chapter 10 or so... lots will happen between now and then :).

Thank you for the capitalization notes. I wasn't aware they needed to be capitalized, I'll fix them immediately!

I will most definitely return the favor. tomorrow though, unfortunatly, RL calls me. :(.

Thanks again!
~Rayn


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Review #4, by Sleeping Paige Crazy about Her: Chapter 1: Smitten at Seventeen

26th March 2010:
Hey,

I know that you requested earilier chapters. For me, I don't give a concrete review unless I can start at the start of a story to get a sense of what is going on. So, that's why I'm asking that we start at the first chapter. If you'll allow me to rush through, we'll see what we can do here to cover some ground.

Lily probably would not view herself as stunning. In fact, while I understand that you want to make her unique, but that detail isn't needed because Lily is, after all, just an ordinary girl. JKR makes her a stronger and more relatable character that way. I was going to call you out on the animated objects, but then I remembered that Dedalus had that pocket watch. The calendar response seems a little over-the-top.

I like that she is friends with Alice and Frank. Keep in mind, if you are trying to follow canon, they were already established in the Auror Department, so that must be more than threeyears. Oh, and this is the 80s. People didn't wear stiletos. I hardly doubt that ordinary people wear stiletos, especially a teenage girl.

You're characterisation of Petunia is spot on. She would have pointed out that freak line. Petunia is the older sister. Why isn't she put of the house? Maybe she still lived with the folks for a while. I like Frank and Alice.

A classic Marauder Tale. Tell you what. I'll start here. If you keep my attention, we'll continue. It's like I told someone else it's not about review numbers (I have a number I haven't gotten reviews for), but it's about how we can help weach other as writers.


Respond tp the return and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige 8/10

Author's Response: Hi there,

First and foremost, thanks for taking the time to review.

Your review is very unique, I like your way of looking at things. The only thing I wanted to say is I'm pretty sure I asked you to start at the beginning. Yes, I just looked at my post and I specifically asked for the first chapter and the second chapter only if you had time/or the will. I myself can't jump in the middle of the story either, so I would never request that. So I was a little confused what you meant at the beginning.

Next point, Lily viewing herself as stunning. She doesn't view herself as stunning. The line where I said that was just exposition. I do truly believe that Lily was a beautiful girl (I've read it countless times on Lexicons and canon websites), and probably would look stunning if she did herself up. The exposition was used to connect with James' opinion--of course he would think she was absolutely beautiful. Even an ordinary girl can look great with a little effort. I would never have Lily say that though--that indeed would be out of character.

As for Frank and Alice, I have done quite a bit of research on them and I have NOT been able to find any information on them--not even a birthday. How do we know that they were already established in the Auror program? You can't even get into the program until you graduate with some pretty good NEWT scores and as far as I know the rules were pretty strict back during the first war, whereas they were lightened a bit during the second war. If you have good information about this that I don't know about, I'd love to know where you found it :)

Stilettos were probably over the top, but it wasn't quite the 80's yet (it was 1977) and stilettos did exist back then, so lets not shut the possibility out completely. Heels of some sort would probably have been worn, just maybe not stilettos. I was just trying to set the scene for dinner.

Anyways...certainly an interesting view of my first chapter. You made me think about things which I haven't thought about before. Thanks once again for your review!!


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Review #5, by Sleeping Paige Liquid Flames: The Second Tale: The Return Home

26th March 2010:
kurlz,

I feel I must tell you that I feel odd reviewing a piece with having no idea what it's about. Do people usually step in without understanding a piece and often review it? I'm asking because I don't know. It sounds like some people (I'm not saying this is you) often do this simply to add to their review count. In my opinion, a review is a critique. It is supposed to reflect both the good aspects and things that the writer needs to improve on. I just want you to know where I stand before I review. Honestly, I have no idea what is really going on in the story (as I tried to warn you), but we'll see where we can go from there.

Lyra seems to be a developed character. She sounds a bit older than the other characters. Knowing hardly nothing from her, I can see this is way off base as far as canon goes. The fact that she's a vampire? Honestly, I think that's HP meets Twilight, and that should not be bridged. Especially that line about being careful with the kiss. Harry's OOC there, but I see that you are trying to be different. Fan fiction usually honours the author's piece.

As far as Lyra (who is in another story - the name) is concerned, although she might not belong in the HP world,she sounds ancient and developed. You seem to add unneccessary words in places like 'voice came' and 'voice said'. You do that quite often, though I don't think that beating you over the head will do any good. Magical references are capitalised.


Sorry I don't have much to offer. I'm trying, but it's strange to enter at this point. Maybe the vampire thing makes sense to you, but it is not fitting. With Harry, he avioded Sanguini. Yes, you might point out that Lupin is a werewolf, but that's rare, quite rare. to the eyes of the readers, he simply has a disability.

I hope this makess sense. Maybe if we started someplace else.

SPa

Author's Response: Thank you for the review although I am so sorry you are completely bewildered! ^_^ It makes much more sense if you start at the beginning, so maybe we can take it at another point...haha I applaud you for trying, and believe me, I know the difficulties of jumping into a series and the end of the second book. I think another place to start is very much called for.

Thanks hon!
~K


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Review #6, by Sleeping Paige The Sunday Massacre: The Cloak that Whispers

22nd March 2010:
sweet sorrow.

As an introduction, I have to say that even though it doesn't fit the usual canon, I like this. Maybe that's why. You're not beating the usual storylines over the head. I like different stuff. You can only read the same thing over and over so much. You say that it's pre-Hogwarts, which explains it.

I was looking for some description of Belle. Not a flowery description, but perhaps it isn't needed at the moment. Your Voldemort enterance is done really well. It's creepy. The waddling boss is a nice image. The graphic should draw people in. Well done as an introduction. Mention a few important things about how Belle and Oscar look (useless that's not neccessary) and you'll be fine. I probably can't do this al in one spill.

Re-request if you want another review. I hope this helps.

Respond to the review and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige

7/10

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you like it. I'm personally terrified of the usual storylines because I know I'd kill them, so I'm doing something completely different instead!

I see what you mean about the descriptions. I think I've fallen into a pattern, because I'm noticing that I hardly ever describe anything anymore. So thank you! I'll work that in!

Thank you very much for the review again. It was very helpful! I appreciate it a lot.

Ali


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Review #7, by Sleeping Paige The Unbreakable Vow: Chapter Two: Potters and Weasleys and Malfoys... Are Annoying

22nd March 2010:
Akabara,

This one'll be shorter because I don't want to waste time with repitition. I think that someone else mentioned this, but I like that you show differents sides of Peyton because it makes he stand out. Characters can't be too good or too bad. That being said, you make her sound a little fake when you say things like 'I never grinned'. She sounds a bit pompous like Percy. Of that's what you wanted, then well done. She's all negative 'I hate the world' and that's a little different. She's a bit too sarcastic, though. I bet some watching mothers wanted to whack her one. That's the impression I get here, but maybe that's all in her head. Good.

I like this character, Brent, but I wanted to caution you againist having too many OCs and not having that connection with the Potterverse. Brent seems like the caring brother, though. I like that. You loose any hint of detail here. When you learn more about writing, that'll come. You'll learn how to pinpoint important stuff and say it.

The introduction with the Potters and company seems like a tennis match. That's okay. I like that line 'Does your brother /father have a name?' The reaction was good, but you zwould think Peyton already knew that since she knew James. Incorporating the snog Victoire thing is good. I really didn;t catch on to this 'D' character. I'm assuming she's a Muggle again because she didn't catch on to Potter. Potter's got to be lore nowadays.

The title seems excessive.

Well, that's what I noticed. Good interaction and weaving.

Please respond and return the review.

Sleeping Paige

7/10

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
Peyton is an interesting character to write. I actually probably wouldn't like her if I met her. It's just that I've read too many stories with likeable OC's! Peyton is a character who can be loved or hated.
Heck, I want to whack her at times! She's so mean to poor Conan. She loves him to death, but would never even hint at that fact.
Like Percy? Interesting... (And Peyton is quite 'pompous.' She thinks practically everyone but her is an idiot.)
Haha I hope that I'll get better. I'm younger than most people I've come across here on hpff, and my writing can reflect that.
I'm glad you like Brent, though.
About all the OC's... This will definitely turn into a mostly canon story. Peyton and Conan hang around with all the Next Gen. canon characters, and characters who are partially canon. By that I mean the children of characters from Harry's time that are possible, but not created by J.K.
Wait, 'D' character? Gah, there I go again being ignorant. I don't know who you're talking about, but about Peyton's own ignorance. She doesn't really pay much attention to all that. She's probably more like a Muggle than Conan, as she says. She knows practically nothing about magic, though for some reason she's good at Potions. I can't wait to write about her in school... Back to her not getting Potter, though. She knows he was some prominent figure in the second war, but she never really looked into it. Now that I think about it, Conan would know exactly who Harry was. Another thing I need to change...
The title is excessive on purpose... Sorry it bothered you.
Thanks again for both of the very helpful reviews!

-AKABARA


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Review #8, by Sleeping Paige The Unbreakable Vow: Prologue: The Beginning of the End

22nd March 2010:
Akabara,

I like the idea of your story here. I don't think it's as much as your opening line claims, by that doesn't mean that you need to change it. Let me see if I can explain that so it makes sense. 'For those who would do an Unbreakable Vow' is a good opener, but it's not needed. Really, these friends aren't doing it for ethnical reasons, or in desperation to safe a life. They are doing it as experimental magic. It' s a foolish move that you would expect from kids. They do it just to do it.

Reallly, I don't think that two kids would be able to do an Unbreakable Vow. I think it's something that requires your whole being and concentration, so it's a rather psychological move. When Bellatrix and Severus do this, he at least is unsure of the commitment. It's not only because he doesn't want to do it. It's mentally exhausting. Go back and read that chapter in HBP. Do you see how is so dark? If you really think about it, it's one of the powerful chapters that JKR writes. My reasoning goes back to why Harry couldn't do Crucio on Bella when Sirius was killed. He didn't feel it. Fred and George offered to perform it on Ron, yeah, but I doubt they could pull it off. Do you get what I'm saying?

I like the fact that you use modern nams because this is a Next Generation piece. Peyton is unisex. The idea of the hospital scene is an interesting opener. There's one thing thing that turned me off. For this to be such a serious thing (and it is, can you imagine?), it sounds too sarcastic here. Yeah, Peyton's a teenager, but she's what? Eighteen or nineteen? She's lying there dying in extreme pain. It just sounds too kiddish and sarcastic. I understand that you thought you might want to be objective, but you don't have to say phrases like 'green robed people' and 'bet you wanna know why I'm here, yeah?' (That last one is paraphrased.) It takes away from that atomsphere. You don't have to guide the reader. You take away the magical element than if Healers just worked to safe her life. So the main problem here? Tone and voice are awkward.

That being said, it's good that you use the naiv voice with the nine-year olds. I can see that one kid flipping through a book and saying that he'd like to try this spell. You make the piece sound a like too Muggle with the diabetes and the greengrocers. Wouldn't Healers combat such a condition? The curiousity here is evident. I feel that I have to say that it would 'work better' (though, as I say, I don't believe they would be able to folllow through on the intent) if something really horrible happened to Peyton. Emotionally, it would be a better connection. It would have to be good. Another reason why I'm discrediting this thing? They're nine? They barely show signs if magic (which started at age seven) and they have no training to do it psychologically.

Conan and Peyton, especially Conan, come off as Muggles. If that's what you wanted, well done. You have paragraphs here, which initially impressed me when I opened the document, but they look to be filler of unneccessary detail that simply fills up space. Why would Peyton say, 'I have grey eyes - which I roll a lot. ' You don't have to spell out that characterisation. Show us. If I were you, since we're talking about filler (and I'm not, so this is an opinion), in that openining scene, I would be more focused on the grotesque and how dead she looks as physical appearence and not the usual surface description. The whole grocers paragraph isn't needed. It doesn't move the story along. You really don't need those breaks between paragraphs because the story flows fine without them. (In any case, they should be centered). Well, you do when she's 20, but other times it's unneccessary. Consider voice again when you switch scenes.

I like how Teddy is done. He sounds like an older character. Good voice. You have that older male guidence perspective nailed down. He's joking with them. And he doesn't realise what's going on. That impressed me.


Well, I know this probably wasn't what you were expecting. I'm looking at it objectively. I hope that you see that I'm trying to help you with the review and I'm honest. I hope that you are open to suggestion. Like I said it's such a good idea that it's rather disappointing you fell short. If I didn't like it, I certainly wouldn't have said this much about it. That's the good and bad ... there's nothing wrong with revision. Take it or leave it.

Okay, shall we move on? Please respond to the review and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige

7/10

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!
First thing, thanks for the long review. I'm sure it's full of great information. ;)
Okay, I get what you're saying about the opening line. I juts meant that Peyton and Conan did it out of friendship, but I understand that they also did it because they're just little kids who don't really understand exactly what they're doing.
And yes, I get what you're saying there, and I knew about the seriousness of the vow when I wrote this chapter. It's completely unrealistic, and it goes against what J.K. wrote (I must have read that part 15 times) but I had to make it work somehow for the story to work. (I actually created this off of a dream I had, so there wasn't a lot of thought in it) Thank you for that, though. I don't know how to fix it, but I will try to improve it; maybe have Conan read a little more about it and have them concentrate more and be drained after it... Yeah, that's still pretty pathetic, but I'll try!
Tone and voice: I will try to make the opening hospital scene more... intense. Serious. More fitting to what's happening (Peyton dying) Now that I look back on it, I totally get what you're saying. Thanks for letting me know!
Now, about Peyton's diabetes. I actually opened a topic in the forums asking what people thought of many elements in the story. The overwhelming response to her diabetes was that it was realistic. One person said that diabetes was probable too severe to be healed by Healers. (healed by Healers. Just call me redundant!) I respect your opinion though! I don't want to sound rude!
Now, I'm incredibly sorry for my ignorance, but how do they seem like Muggles? I don't really understand that. Sorry! :'(
I don't need the breaks? And they're not centered! Curse you, disappearing formatting! I had it all done on Word, and then I put in the submitting form. I'll have to go back and fix that if I can. Thanks.
And Peyton's description of herself: I get what you're saying, but I was going for Peyton shying away from her death and trying to be normal about stuff (because she's really terrified, she just hides it). I guess I failed at that though. Maybe I can fix it... And try and focus more on her 'grotesque' situation.
I'm very glad that you liked Teddy. One of my biggest fears was messing up the canon characters.
I am very grateful for all of your wonderful opinion. I love to get criticism as much as I love getting reviews saying that they love it. Reviews like this help me to improve my writing, and I am immensely grateful for this one.
Thanks again for the review, and I'll take a look at your stories and see if I can't find something to read.

-AKABARA


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Review #9, by Sleeping Paige The Good Left Undone: Prologue

20th March 2010:
Daydreamerr87,

Oh, good news, I get the first review spot. Cool. Well, this is obviously AU, so I'm not going to say much there. The first break was the better part. Not that I like Tonks, but I often wondered why they were both killed off. Yeah, Harry was named godfather, but that really doesn't explain the rushed end. Whatever. I guess she had to knock them off for the godfather thing, but there's no reason why a godparent can't work with a parent. I'm just saying.

The first part here was just organised. You place them all in the same graveyard. I don't know. I like three whole idea of them together on common ground. It's kind of like you showe that the pureblood nonsense has broken. You descibe the infant well. I like that Andromeda not only has that link to Narcissa, but that she is accepting of Remus.

You're making up that Narcissa died in the Battle, right? Maybe that's your AU and I'm not supposed to know the details.

I like that your Tonks is not that foolish lovesick 'oh, poor me, poor Remus, I love you' character. You know? You show that she has grown as a character. Perhaps that is due to the deaths. I don't know. She seems much more put together in this first passage.

I think the one flaw in the second passage is that it seems choppy, Forgive me if this seems like I'm playing two differernt sides here. I'm being honest. I know that you want you cover things with vague hints in a prologue, but you jump around too much. It almost seems like a diferent hand wrote this. I think that you want to cover too much in this space. You lost the flowing detail. It makes for a strange read there. It's liker this: Tonks does, this, flash forward, this, flash forward, and this. It's not connected. I would revise. Remember you can cover things later.

Well done on that first part, though.
I hope this helps. Re-request if you want another review.

Please respond to the review and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige

7/10

A prologue hooks, so you don't have to reel inn the fish. Let us catch the bait.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm sorry to take so long; things have been busy!!

Anyways, I am very glad for your detailed review. There are 2 AU pieces to the story - Tonks being alive and Narcissa dying. She didn't actually die in the battle, but instead a couple months later. It will later be revealed about how and why.

I am glad that you enjoyed Tonks' characterization; I really never saw her as the lovesick, woe is me type anyways.

I am going to take a look back over of the chapter again and see what I can do to clean up the second part. I will really take your advice under consideration.

Thanks so much!!
~LJ


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Review #10, by Sleeping Paige Blood: Blood

20th March 2010:
You know, I could hear Luna's voice throoughout this piece. You did really well with her characterisation. I'm glad that you presented her as a voice of reason. Yeah, she has her quirks as a weird person, but that makes her stronger as a character. This idea is not that far-fetched at all, so it's interesting that you bring it up. What if he didn't just follow Snape and flee? He is known for those detours.

Laying flowers on Dumbledore's grave is such a humanistic moment. And the fact that they're purple (I might be making that up) ties in well with that soul idea because its symbolizes redemption. I don't want to start a religious thing, for I'm agnostic myself, but that's interesting. You probably didn't realise you even did that. I always read too much into these things.

I love that you have Draco freaking out. How would you not? The qwuestioning about the soul and doubt makes perfect sense. In a way, Luna has some reasoning traits that Dumbldore used on him in the Astronomy Tower. I'm sorry. I laughed at that idiots line. It was hilarilious within all that reason.

This was really gpod all the way through. Thank you.

Please respond to the review and return the favour,

sleeping paige

8/10

Author's Response: Oh God! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your review!! I really appreciate you taking the time to leave one!!

Luna is my favourite female character, but she's so hard to write, so I'm glad you felt I did ok with her! Characterisation is important to me.

No I didn't realise that I did that religious thing, but it does add something to the story lol, even if I didn't realise it lol.

I love Draco, I so enjoy writing him, and I think he really did have to freak out, he was doing enough of it in HBP before he did anything lol, so after the deed was done I think he'd have a lot on his mind and concious to deal with. & Luna is the voice of reason, to Harry and many others so she could also be that to Draco.

I don't think that Draco thought very much of Dumbledore, and as he doesn't think much of Luna, the idiot's line seemed to fit in well lol.

Thanks again for the review, and I do apologise for how long it has taken me to respond!!!


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Review #11, by Sleeping Paige Free Falling : Jealousy

20th March 2010:
nisalurve,

Honestly, when I first started reading this, I thought that this Pete was Peter Pettigrew. Sorry, but I forgot the last chapter and I distinctly remember that it was Next Generation. I remember that Ginny had this whole spill with James. This is that story that incorporates the London bombings, is it not? I That's why I turned to it in the first place. But, no, this is not Peter Pettigrew. My apologies that this slipped my mind.

Can I write you a few praising paragraphs? Well, I'm going to do it anyway, since you aren't here. Can I just say that you have such a writing style. I don't say that lightly, and I have never said that in fan fiction. You're not just writing stuff to take up writing space and add chapters. It's very clear you have planned every detail of this out to be an actual story. I often tell people that when they attempt to wrire fan fiction, they must realise that they are pulling at strings. It's almost like you have to re-create everybody, even the Potter children, given these vague hints. You do that so well.

I'm impressed to the point where I'm almost floored. You write these substanial characters, but you explain every detail in your world. It's not flowery detail either. You know what? That tells me you took the time to write. Your characters are multidemensional. I love that Pete, although he is insecure, stands up to the cocky James Potter. You pull things in from the epilogue, weaving them in like strands of a quilt. Of course, James would carry that arrogance about being in Gryffindor. Well done.

Would it be corny if I pointed out that one of my favorite parts was this sandwich thing? The way you walk through and talk about a tomato sandwich. You make me want one. The small details in these flowing paragraphs are amazing. I don't have much to say about the girl. Forgive me.

the way that you show this friendship as being on the rocks is flawless. True friendships, like all other relatiuonships, have those moments. He escapes to the trophy room. You know, I think you are one of the few authors on this site who understands the element of surprise. I'm jealous, really. You put such life into these characters and you're so loyal to JKR. You're not copying a storyline, for this is completely your spin.

I have to tell you I never saw the Alan thing coming. (Yeah, I really don't pay attention to details. I just jump in and read. Bite me.) You made that sucha n image. It's one of the best slash scenes I have read. It's not flowery. You don't make it gross for the heck of it. It's just so natural like falling into place like a puzzle piece. And Pete's reaction? Thank Goid you don't have them in a snog feat that's all gooey. That reasoning makes so much sense. You wrap up every idea.

The only errour that I saw? What's the difference between a Muggle and a Wizarding prostiute? Props? Nothing. Just 'prostitute' will do.

I'm impressed. I'm not just saying that. You are good. You should consider original fiction. Start practicing it. (I'm not going to lie. That's why I'm slacking on reviews.) I love this piece. Not like, love. (The Lion King). It flows like a stream. You're putting in the work.

Please respond to the review and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige

Well done. I ... there are no words. (Except, you know, the essay above.) I'm hard to impress too. What talent. Am I going to have to favourite you?

Sorry it took so long to review.

9.5/10

Author's Response: Omigosh. . . I want to like marry you now. That review was so sweet, although I don't think I'm deserving of any of that praise! Thank you soo much! And I think you should favor me, just because. ;)

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Review #12, by Sleeping Paige Marauder's - next generation: The third twin

20th March 2010:
Micheael,

I am so sorry that it's taken me so long to review. My excuses would bore you, so I'll spare you the details. Yes, I can tell that you are ESL (English Second Language). First off, let me say that I commend your efforts in learning a second language as an adult. If I'm not mistaken, judging by your syntax, you are a native Asian speaker. I view a lot of papers from ESL students, and you follow that pattern. Fan fiction is good practice. I understand that writing and reading skills are separate. As a side note, did you know that there is a 'Turpin' sorted into Harry's first year?

Well, I like the consistency. For a learning writer, you seem to be doing okay. There are places like, oh, here:

But receiving a wand of his own meant more than just the opportunity for unlimited prank entertainment. It also meant that the day where he would be heading off for Hogwarts was drawing near. This was something he had been looking forward to ever since he could think. From his parents, he had heard stories about moving staircases, speaking portraits and secret passageways.

Okay, mainly this is syntax or word order. The first where you discuss Hogwarts, where can be deleted. The last sentence in this passage is more commonly written as something like 'He had heard stories from his parents.' Where you are techniically not wrong, it sounds a little off. The commas should not be outside of dialogue, or your quotation marks. I would delete the sentence, 'Finally, an own wand.' Like I said, I understand your syntax, but this doesn't make sense.

I liked the plot of the story because it followed canon. I really like that line about Little Lily dancing around her parents. What an image. The Marauder's Map and the Diagon Alley scenes are just pulled out of canon, but you add a spin. I love the idea of Dumbledore being interested in wandlore. Well, he had the Elder Wand, so we can only assume this is true. Just for that scene, I think this is an impressive Next Generation piece. I can go on and talk about it. Fawkes is here. (Just for Native American history, I love Fawkes.) I'm glad that you gave him a purpose. Harry would have reacted in that way toward Fawkes, so good job there. That was my favorite part.

I'm glad you are practicing. Did you read a translated copy of HP. For this being your first story written in English, I have to say that this is written better than some others I have seen. Of course, like you said there are errours, but you're practicing. I often tell ESL students to read aloud. Keep trying. It's not easy. I'm studying Spanish and considering Italian, so I'm there with the language difficulties.

It will come. Keep practicing.

Well done.

I hope this helps. Feel free to re-request. I'm sorry I took forever.

Sleeping Paige

7/10

Author's Response: Hello and thanks for your review!

First of all: You're right, I'm a native Asian speaker, but I also have experiences in several European languages like German, English and Spanish, with German being on an
"almost-native" level.

As the great fan I am, I have read HP in several languages, including of course the English original. Still, from time to time, I have trouble finding the right expressions for certain places or persons.

Secondly, the surname "Turpin" as well as the given name "Michael" were both deliberate choices I made. I just combined Lisa Turpin and Michael Corner (both Ravenclaws from Harry's year) to this name.

Finally, a word on your actual review.
Thanks again for your kind remarks and the many tips you gave me. I'm glad you like the general outline of the story and I'd be honoured if you'd continue to read :D

The sentence "Finally, an own wand" is supposed to be an expression of his joy. If that doesn't become clear, I'll have to change it, along with the punctuation which I simply copied from German since I thought all European languages were identical in that respect.

Thanks again for your review and your encouragement, I will definetely ask for a review again as I upload more chapters.


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Review #13, by Sleeping Paige And the American Svengali: Part One: The Offices on Fifteenth and Four-Fifths

10th March 2010:
Jackson,

Iím glad I read the first chapter. (I did that to you as well Ėsorry. ) About the justice department thing? I have one word for you: ĎOhí. That must have been hard to figure out. It makes my head spin. Youíre right, as much as I know about precincts, they are confusing. Sorry, I wonít critique that in detail. Iím useless there. Letís assume youíre correct. You are right about the population thing though. The States are like their countries with land mass and population density.

All right. I love that they crash into a brick wall to get into the magical part of the city, Thatís reminiscent of the barrier at the Hogwarts Express, so nice job pointing that out. I was hoping that Fig would use that Charm to spend up traffic. I donít know. You remember something like the Knight Bus. Especially in New York, imagine thatís a nightmare. Muggles and wizards living closer to each other is an interesting complex. I think that Kingsley suggests that in DH. (it was a line. I pick up on small stuff.) I thought that JKR widened that barrier too much at times. Sometimes itís just too blatantly obvious for Muggles not to notice, you know? I hope this makes sense. I know it sounds like Iím rambling.

Fig sounds a bit young for Senior Inspector. I think you said heís about the boysí age? 19? He did all that in a year? Drag- a- gong ;) Sticking wands in a clock, this is an interesting comparison to Ericís scales. (Yes, when I first wrote that, I referred to the barnyard animal. Arenít you glad I revise?) The Manchester line made me smile because that really isnít so far-fetched. Course, those cities and provinces were named after founders at first, but thatís falling back in vogue now. I love Fig, I do, so itís killing me when I say that he sounds too young for the position. I can see he was fun to write, but heís not clicking in my head as the Senior Inspector. Who is this person Harry knew three years prior? I wanted to say Lockhart, but thatís too soon. Umbridge, perhaps. The office doesnít look her style. Maybe that hint is too subtle. (Iím just angry I canít put my finger on it.)

Everettís characterization is almost flawless. Heís cold, but heís not Mad-Eye. I prefer that heís different. I mean, he has that Ďif you die Öí line, but he is just different. He reels off information really well. Itís interesting that he has two sides. Harry plays what he wants. He has that personality spin with a drop of a hat, and yet heís relentless, but that makes him an evermore believable character. I like that Harry understands the man pushes his buttons to get a rise. This sounds a bit like a police drama, but as long as you keep the magical elements forefront, I think youíll be all right.

In short? Iím interested and surprised. You have clearly thought this out. Re-request if you want another review. Keep it up.

Respond to the review and return the favor,

Sleeping Paige
8/10

Author's Response: Sorry this has taken me so long to reply to Paige, I apologize for that.

I am a little vague myself on the details on how a justice system would work in America. I've tried planning it out as best I could, and you've read what I came up with. Ten districts, along with sub-branches. It's okay, I guess.

I did throw in a tidbit about Fig always hitting green lights --- or jumping to the head of traffic lines, somewhere . . . while it is no 'speed up traffic Charm' it's the best I think Fig could do.

No, I agree about the whole 'broken apart from society' thing --- and I didn't find you to be rambling at all. Just voicing a thought. I sometimes wondered too why JKR had them so far apart. I guess old habits -- Muggles in the UK liked to attack Wizards. But the witchhunts in the North east probably weren't much better . . .

Fig IS a bit young for Senior Inspector. He's a genius though. That plot point isn't, excuse the pun, pointed out until a little later on in the story. Harry's skeptical of that notion at first. As he should be, Fig doesn't act like a genius -- more like a mad scientist at times. I'd call Fig around 21, just to be safe, but his age is slightly relative anyways because of his ability to change up his face.

Hmm. I'm trying to figure out who you're talking about as well. I think it was Umbridge.

I do intend to put the magical elements back in this story full force, but you know, the first few chapters have to be introductory to get the feel of America and all.

I'm glad you are 'taken' with Everett. I have worked hard on these characters and I think I'll definitely return for more critique's of this story later on (I must, as you say, return the favor and get a few things in order first)

I shall rerequest later on, and I will hopefully keep it up! But for now? I'm tired, and a bed is calling. I'm glad you did like it. Thank you for the pleasant and correcting when need be review, Paige,
Jackson


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Review #14, by Sleeping Paige And the American Svengali: Part One: An Introduction to American Affairs

10th March 2010:
Jackson,

Iíd thought weíd start with the first chapter, for it wouldnít be that difficult to backtrack just one chapter, right? Iím actually glad that you have asked me for a review, as Iíve waited for a request. I first, you know, I was rather wary of reading this because I thought it said the ĎAmerican sequelí or something of that matter. HP meets Twilight or I dunno Ö  I thought, Ďah, no, here we goí, but obviously, the English major canít read Iím pleasantly pleased with the opening lines. Youíre AN not put of the novel, eh? Letís get started.
I find that Iím pleased with the airplane scene, although itís not a magical element. Heís not just Apparating, but the open scene sounds so realistic and he would have to put on that Muggle faÁade. I feel like Iím on my way to the beautiful Colorado again (last trip), so good job there. This annoying Cunningham is a trip. You make me want to look up the damn nursery rhythm. I wonít. What a picture. And he says, ĎOh!í Nice way to build up the suspense.

The firing off the questions you do there? Nice. Thatís much more impressive than if you put that in banter, back-to-back dialogue. Flannery OíConnor (writer) does that. I didnít know Harry was that Harry. IN a few above sentences, it sounds like Harry Potter was viewing all this separately, and I was wondering how he got all this detail about Mrs. Cunningham. They are the three English passengers. Okay, weíre on the same page. I love that the husband is this crumpled lump.
I like how you explain the situation through dialogue. You make the lack of magical elements have perfect sense. Although, in Zachís defense, Charlie and Bill Apparated easily from Egypt or Romania or what-have-you, but you say Kingsley wants the Muggle experience. Richard sounds rather Marine Corps. ďSiempre FiĒ, you know? My way or the highway type, you know. Sorry, I was raised by military. Good job there. Is that the effect you wanted?

Just a hint. It would be cool if you should the barrier of English variations. That would allow for confusion and a tiny power struggle. Language is powerful. And, that would keep Harry and the boys English. I like that you do show a small note of animosity toward Zach. I was wondering why theyíre instant friends. Not that they hate each other, but still. I wonít go after grammar since you should know that.

Thank you. Iím pleasantly surprised. Well done.

Shall we continue?

Pl ease respond to the review and return the favor,

Sleeping Paige
8/10

Author's Response: Hiya Paige! All righty, let's go with what I'd prefer to respond to first . . .

I was seriously thinking about getting a Brit to help me with Harry's language within the story. Reading I do feel he's too like the others.

I'm relieved that you weren't too disappointed with the story being in America. And you know something? You're I think the fourth or second (maybe?) to mention being turned off by the thought of America at first. Hmm. I wonder if I could work that out so it isn't so off putting. I'll work on that, too, I think.

Yeah the AN was written without a header (to disclaim it as an AN) and I wrote in there that it was an AN and now . . . well, it should be edited out, but why waste a validater's time for something so trivial?

Ah well, I'm glad you felt a part of the scene! The whole thing with the Cunningham's has taken a little bit to be pulled down correctly, just like the interaction of the boys and such of the like.

I, personally, love Flannery O'Conner. One of the few Southern writers I like, actually. "A Good Man is Hard to Find" is my personal favorite, and I'd like to think her writing has some kind of influence over my own.

I'm glad you were able to discern the fact I was plugging information out through dialogue. I didn't want it to just be walls of text and narration about the situation at hand. The dialogue adds a bit of mystery to the whole thing besides the fact (because the characters wouldn't explain everything).

Yeah, Richard was definitely meant to come off as a drill sergeant.

And they weren't exactly instant friends. The story behind their interaction I have explained in back story and subtext. Harry's silence and not joining in on their conversation is testament to a slight feeling of alienation. And the only reason Michael was talking at all was because Zacharias instigated everything.

Anyways, I'm glad you liked it, and as soon as things clear up I do intend to return the favor. Life's bit busy, you know how it is.

Jackson (stoked for an 8/10 --- I hate this chapter)


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Review #15, by Sleeping Paige Frozen Moonbeams: Frozen Moonbeams

9th March 2010:
Eridanus,

Perhaps I should have read this one backwards. Nothing of your fault, of course, I just thought that things were mising. I like that this about Luna searching for the Fantanstic Beasts. That's definately in character for her. (I did not know that JKR actually wrote that book.) I don't think that the meteorite thing works, even for Luna. Especially, in the first passage, it seems you mention this meteor thing over and over again. At first, I thought that she had gotten hit by them, but that sounded too fantasy.

I must say that after that confusion, I liked that she was doing things like working with Rolf on projects. The point about him being an older researcher is interesting because there aren't that many who are as weird as she. I can see they ended up together while spending their lives researching. Xeno would be proud.

I like the seing scene. That was down-to-earth. What can I say? I like differents stories. One thing that I would pay attention to, other than that frst passage, is how you mention the bruise. Instaed of it just being therere, it should slowly deteriorarate her body. I like thst she dedicated her life to this.

Show that.

Please respond and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige

8/10

Author's Response: Hello Sleeping Paige,
Well, if you'd read it backwards I suppose it would have defeated the purpose if me writing in reverse chronology, but it's helpful to hear your opinion on it anyway. Yes, JK has written quite a number of little companion books for the series, and since Luna turns out to be a Magizoologist I thought it was only fitting that I went along with that theme. I'll try and clear some of that confusion about the meteor up, but I hope you don't mind me asking why exactly you thought it didn't work?

Yeah, I couldn't really help mentioning him :P. It was too tempting. Yes, I suppose I thought that if he'd been around the same age as her then they would have found each other at this point, unfortunately this fic is a bit AU in the respect that they never really get together. Yes, I dare say he would have been.

Luna has a carefree, uninhibited nature and I'm glad that I was able to project that though the playground scene during the story. Do you mean the poison? I think I showed that it slowly spread through her body, but I'll check up on that.

Thank you so much for taking the time to review with all your opinions.


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Review #16, by Sleeping Paige Sensible: Surprise!

9th March 2010:
Margravine,

I swear that I wrote out your review three times and it never got posted. I thought for a moment that perhaps you deleted it. Please respond, as these take time to write out. Iím not saying anything happened. These tend to get less and less with each draft because I simply get tired of looking at it. Be glad that Iím doing it again.

First off, I wasnít to start this discussion off talking about writing. You say here that you Ďhope that this is a good attempt at fluffí. Iím thinking, ĎDear God, no, tell me she didnít just put that and sheís asking for reviews.í And we havenít touched your writing yet, so I did not just insult you. ĎFluffí should not even be considered as a genre. (Almost all the stories here are not only written poorly, they fall into this category. Even worse, there is this thing called Ďromance fluffí. Itís not even writing. Itís so packed full will clichťs that the words arenít even worth reading. No thought, no description, no detail, no purpose: it lacks all of this, and it has flowery dialogue to boot. If you are looking for reviews, thatís all good and fine. However, if youíre practicing as a writer, this is NOT a trap you want to fall into. Itís the trash that fills county newspapers. You need a connection (even if they donít get it) with an audience. Donít just write to fill up a paper because you will not care about it. Yes, love, you will have stacked clichťs like Domís layered cake. Donít make this your goal. Just write.

That being said, I think the best of the piece is this banter between Teddy and Rose. You give him a joking personality. I actually like this part where you have his eye colour switching shades. However, you lose me with this Ďgolden brown hairí because it reminds me of Twilight. Meyer, unfortunately, makes her living off of flowery language. You want to know why itís so fun to write? It requires little thought because little girls tend to squeal at this type of thing. Not me. Excess, unnecessary detail kills a piece.

All right, I want to discuss Dom. You have her as Ďfloating into the roomí. Clichť Veela. You realise that Fleur was the granddaughter of a Veela. So, that means he kids would be like, 1/16th? Thatís if they got the hereditary trait. Sheís not drop dead gorgeous. Pretty, perhaps, but not everything is related to genetics. Whether that temper is related to Veela thing or the French attitude, I think youíre over exaggerating on both points. Especially in the case of Louis.
You have grammatical errors. Notice the commas after dialogue shouldnít be there. Itís a nice piece, but yourrely too much on dialogue, so we donít know who is who. All we get is Ďhe saidí. Ďshe saidí, and most of it doesnít seem to have a purpose, as far as moving the storyline along. You are writing Next Generation. You have to build these characters from these clues that JKR gave in that dialogue. I would revise. I do that all the time.

I know this is harsh, and I hope thatís what you wanted. I hope this helps.

Write. Please respond to the review and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige
6/10

Author's Response: Niyuri, I assumed you had rethought your wording in removing your last 'review', as I did not I presume the staff removed it for being a flame. If you expect to keep your forum status and for people to return the favour I would politely suggest you be more considerate in your reviews. I used to be a lit major myself, and welcome cc - this and the last review amuses rather than offends me - but if, like many on this site, I was a young developing writer I would have been crushed. I imagine many wouldn't reply, but you've made such an effort I will address all the points you raise out of courtesy alone.

Fluff:
I have written in every single era and in a wide range of genres. You may not like fluff, but I think any half decent author needs to be able to write across fields and experiment rather than stick to what comes naturally to them. Fluff was my experimentation, hence the AN. Also, can I remind you this is fanfiction? It's meant to be fun. If I want literature, I'll read Bronte or Tolstoy or write OF. Fluff is very much a genre, both here and commercially, whether or not you like it. It is often cliche, but avoiding every single cliche in the world is not possible or even original, working with them innovatively is, and takes more skill.

Teddy and hair: Andromeda had light brown hair, Remus sandy, as the vast majority of the world has shades of brown, golden brown is not uncommon. Rumour has it Edward Cullen has BRONZE hair, which is quite different.

Dom/Victoire: I don't believe I mentioned Veelas anywhere, but as the children of beautiful Fleur and Bill, who pre Greyback caught interest of Fleur, there is no way these children would not be stunning.

Grammer: most helpful part of the review, my beta and I both missed the Weasley misspelling.

Flowery Language : I believe history is littered with people (*cough* Shakespeare) making a living from it.

Thankyou for the review. All the best in the future


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Review #17, by Sleeping Paige To Be Stalked by Death: Ignotus's Tale

9th March 2010:
Lady Marauder,

Sorry, I don't often review the second chapter util the reviwees say something. It's something I've learned over the past weeks, you know? One liners tend to irk me. I like to know people actually read the things, for they do take a while to write. Anyway, you did, so that means you get another review. Oh, yes, I believe that you have been the second person to be added to my favourites for this fic. Let's get started.

This one is shorter, yes, but it's still good. Your canon to the Beedle stories are simply remarkable. Did I mention the 'walking for Death' thing comes from Chaucer's Pardoner's Tale in CT? Well, the Bard's (who is, incidentally, Shakespeare) tales come from Grimm. Sorry, I'm going on literary analysis again, but I like to have discussion.

Personally. I have the most sympathy for Caedmus, but there you are. Going suicidal over a deceased love (while literally) gives such an image to us. I think it makes soo much sense. Here, you give her a name, ehich futthers that connection a bit. Sorry, I won't discuss the Bard's tale in full, for we already know it, but it's interesting how you make a similar connection with Rossa. She's not dead, no, but she is tied to the deal in a way. Anyone who comes in contact on a closely peronal level makes thatt choice. Do you see what I'm saying here? I hope that makes sense.

Ignotus's vernalibility indeed! That is completely
psychological. He can never leave that Cloak if he wants to cheat Death. On some level, you think that he's a coward, really, but that makes so much sense. We all fear death on some level and the dependency is there. And the thing's on the wall? I keep on forgetting that it turns invisible when the wearer puts it on. It would be a shame if nobody could ever find it, eh? I loose things all the time on the fly and that is my reaction time and time again. Where is it? Right under my nose!

Well done. Well done Chelsea. Update soon.

Respond to the review and return the favour (we all like reviews...) Re-request again if you want, if I haven't boored you,

8/10

Sleeping Paige

Author's Response: Oh, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I used to have a review thread, and Id leave this novel and get a 'thanks' My face would be like o_O

Oooh yes, Rossa is exactly that. She is important in the future!!!

Yes, I definately think that Ignotus is a coward, but like you said, I think ANYONE would be a coward after going through what he went through.

I am very glad that you like what I have done so far! Your reviews could never bore me hun!
I will surely request again when I have another update!

Thanks again (for being so wonderful!)
~~Chelsea


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Review #18, by Sleeping Paige Daddy's Little Girl: Daddy's Little Girl

7th March 2010:
emmapotter,

Right, so I've decided to look at your style. Since this one didn't have many reviews, I decided to add my thoughts. If I had not seen the A/N, I would have called you out immediately, but that was not the point. As you say, that was part of a challenge. Just don't get in the habit of doing that. Yes, even if you acknowledge them, it's plagerism. Don't fall into that pattern.

Okay, the charaterisation is interesting. I don't like that you seem to switch POV in such a small piece. I can't see the point of it. Actually, I want to point out that you could have had that more limited if you kept that as third-person. I would have kept that meeting as third person because you seemly want to tell about Draco. With the first-person, your character not onlt has the viewpoint of what he thinks, but of others, and you don't need that here.

I don't see that Draco would use a car as opposed to Apparition. Yeah, he might be more open to Muggle ways, biut he wouldn't completely abandon the old ways. By the way, I see his impatience as a sticking trait. He had no reasomnn to learn to drive and probably no interest in it. Yes, Ron learns to drive, bit that's in his character. Especially if he were pressed for time. Draco wouldn't drive.

Where are your magical elements in this piece? At the very least, that song needs to play on the WWN or something. It sounnds too ordinary. Perhaps they shared music. That's my main ctiticism.

Please respond and return the favour,
Sleeping Paige

7/10

Author's Response: First off, thank you for reviewing, it means a great deal that people would actually like to get to know my style before reading my requested fic :)
Oops, my bad! I completely forgot to add the disclaimer for the lyrics! *runs off to add it*
Then, the switching of person's; yes, I'm going to be editing this when I have the time, I just wanted to put it up for the Challenge, and see how long I take to write something absolutely new. I was just challenging myself. :)

I don't think I ever mentioned that Draco was opposed to Apparition, I let him use a car since he was going shopping with his best friends in Muggle London. Perhaps, I should should mention that there, to clear all doubts.
Like I said, this one needs more work, it's just a rough outline, just about presentable and definitely NOT my best! :D

The magical elements, eh? I think I've mentioned a couple of words like pure-blood, squib, etc here and there, that good enough? I'm trying to show Draco AFTER the war as a changed man.
Plus, it would make NO sense AT ALL for a Muggle song to be playing on the WWN, very weird! :P
'They shared music'? What are you trying to point out by that? I'm confused! :/
Anyway, this review has really opened my eyes to all holes in the plot and I'll be sure to edit them out when I have the time in a week or two!
Thank you for taking out time to review!
Love
Aakanksha


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Review #19, by Sleeping Paige Waking up to the World: Chapter 1

7th March 2010:
Happy Hexer -

Okay, first off, and I think that I'll dismiss your whole story by saying this, but a coma seems to be too much of a Muggle ailment to be considered in this world. It seems like a Rip Van Wrinkle/ Sci-fi thing go on here and I just don't think it works for the HP world. Do you get what I'm saying? It sounds like Harry Potter meets the aliens in an experiment and I'm just not feeling it. I'm going to give you a shot and see what we can do with this.

You need to have more characterisation. Now, this is of course in regard to Dumbledore and Snape. You don't need to describe their fluff physical appearence as much as I would describe their mannerisms. Right now, as I'm runing through this chapter, I see that you present them in such a way. I'm not even picturing Dumbledore in my head, but I'm trying to do both him and Snape. I'm picture two white haired blokes in white lab coats. You need to describe what this girl looks like in detail because she wakes up. How is it that she's not freaking off or at least taking a moment to adjust to the strangeness of the situation?

You definately need more narration or dialogue. Something is really off. I'm trying to put my finger on it to try and help you with the problem. I think it's the genre switch, for you wouldn't put HP to a musical either, would you? It's the same type of thing.

I'm sorry. You're not grabbing my attention. Maybe that comes later on. Perhaps have a magicak element? A Time-Turner effect? Then you would need a brand new storyline, but sometimes that's a good thing. I consider it fanfiction if you follow certain parameters. Maybe it'll come in later chapters. Re-request if you'd like another review. Please respond to the review and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige

Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review.

I take on board you ideas relating to the plot but it's a bit too far on for me tho alter those at the moent.

I understand your comments in regard of my description of Snape and Dumbledore, I'll try and add something into this chapter to recitfy that.

I've noticed the extra dialogue/narration thing myself but once I start adding extra things to my chapters they become incredibly lengthy. So maybe I've simply cut out a bit too much.

Another thankyou.

Happy_Hexer


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Review #20, by Sleeping Paige Redemption: The Exception

6th March 2010:
Appo,

Here is your review. I like that you open a Next Generatioon with a first-year storyline because I tend to go rather confused. I undeerstand that the story has nearly been finished for three years, but if you think about it, we know hardly nothing of these new handful of people. I go by canon, of course, so you know that I overlook everythiing fan fiction.

People usually just jump right in, so thank you for offering an explanation for a connection. Lord Voldemort would still effort the Potter kids on some llevel, even if that is simply a fact within their history. Although you have this line between Scorpius and Albus, let me caution you againist setting up just another old recycled storyline wuth just another cast full of names to cover up the gang.

I like that you kept the old convrnions and showed a change with teachers. That new bloke with the lantern is definately not just amother Hagrid. I think that is one of my favourite parts. Sorting Hat is captilised, by the way. If any of them were to follow that same enterance path, I believe it would br Albus.

I'm not that objective, sorry. It's three in the morning. That, and although I like this introduction, like I said before, I don't claim to be that passionate about Next Generation. Nice job with following through with the traditional canon, though, people tend to forget that. Again, here goes my hopes that you simply don't make this another Harry and Draco ...

Sorry for the short review. Nice introduction.

Please respond to the review and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! Yes I wanted to start right from the beginning and I'm not going by anything other fanfics have done with these characters. And I am definitely going canon with this story as much as I can.

Yep, Professor Robinson is a very well developed character that will have a key role to play in this story.

This is definitely not a Harry and Draco mainly because Harry and Draco are enemies, but Albus and Scorpius are going to be friends.

Thank you once again for taking the time to review my story and I will go to your page and look at your interesting when I have time soon!


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Review #21, by Sleeping Paige Laugh Your Heart Out: Laugh Your Heart Out

6th March 2010:
Interesting view. There are many things that inspire people to take certain paths in their lives. Especially in the health profession, people have a shaking purpose behind their motives. Well, I want to say that as a one-shot, you covered your base with a purpose. There is no need for us not to think that Promfrey was not a Muggle who decided to take on the magical health profression.

One thing that I would caution you againist is that perhaps you jump too much. I understand this is a one-shot, but still. I don't usually go for this type of thing because often I feel that the writer needs to add just a bit more. I'm saying this to criticise you, yes, but you can't just mention something as a vague fact in a short piece. If you choose to follow a drabble or a one-shot format, make sure you have a point even though some of it might be a spill of catharisis. Loose threads go nowhere and the readers eyes willl wonder until a connection is there.

Notice that you skip in between tenses.

You also mix up Americianisms and British English. I personally think in some areas, you date Poppy strangely, but that might just be in my head. I don't picture her as ann ancient matron or anything, but that was a little strange.

I like that the story has Poppy as a Muggle, but I hope you realise this erases almost any hint of a magical element in your story. That might be all right with a one-shot, but usually HP fan fiction carries more magic to it. The car accident sat with me though. I tend to think that HP readers forget that witches and wizards can easily die by Muggle means. They do live in close proimity to each other, so it's not lile that is impoosible. Nice job there.

The last line is interesting. An interesting read into a minor character.

Please respond to the review and return the favour,

Sleeping Paige

Author's Response: Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate them. I like the idea of flashbacks in a one shot, but I do realize this makes it a lot choppier than longer stories. I'm not quite sure how to fix that, but I'll look into it. As for tense changes... they will be the death of me! I'm sure there are plenty.

The problem with my American and British English is that I'm American, so much of my writing sounds American. However, when I do know of a specific British word more commonly used (taps instead of faucets, sweets instead of candy, both of which were recently pointed out to me) I try to put it into my story to make it more realistic. This may make it a little mixed up, but I'd rather have some Britishisms in there if I can help it. As for spelling, I'm not going to bother with it because I'll never find all the differences.

I'm not quite sure what you meant by "dating" her... I'm not exactly sure of her age in the books, so I tried write in a way that didn't suggest any specific time period. And as for being a Muggle, I know I wrote about her and her sister going to Hogwarts, so that's the only thing I'll straight out disagree with there. It has magic in it because she goes to a magical school.

Anyway, thank you for the many suggestions, I appreciate you taking the time to review this. :)


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Review #22, by Sleeping Paige Show Me Your Colors: Sunrise

2nd March 2010:
Okay, sleeping paige here again with a review:

I tend to get more picky as I go, so mind that in mind. You invested me in this story. I'm thinking three-year-old. I understand that she is stunningly beautiful, but what idiot mother or caretaker would dress their baby in a sillk nightgown? You're just asking for daily replacements. Toddlers are messy. That's an understatement. To me, having you describe a baby like you would describe a sexy woman is rather weird. Not the brown hair, but look at the rest of it. Wouldn't a man describe his lover this way? Think on that.


The other thing that I would point out is this: you're not thinking kid. When you have Blaise address El, you are spot on, mate. That is how you wake a kid. Why is El speaking in complete sentences? Trust me, I know language, so I'm going to harp om you for a minute. Kids don't think their own remembrances until five and they certainly don't master syntax at that age. I guarantee you that. They ae barely speaking with patterns or following grammar. It still follows this: 'El and Blaise go park?' 'El pretty?' 'El see spot run'. You got it. Think kid. Think little kid.

Oh, and your length seems a bit short with no enough detail in places.


Okay. Let me know what you think. Return the favour,

sleeping paige

Author's Response: thank you so much for your wonderful review. this is exactly what i needed to hear. with this story i have received a lot of positive feedback. i am convinced that there are several things that i really need to improve on and so it was nice to hear that. i really appreciate you taking the time to review this for me. maybe i'll check out one of your stories sometime. have a great day!

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Review #23, by Sleeping Paige Show Me Your Colors: Prologue

2nd March 2010:
confusedlover,

Okay, I was nearly finished with your review a few hours ago, but let's see how this goes. Let's see if I can rememeber anything that I said. Well, first off, I like that this is about minor characters. Well, Luna's not that minor. Blaise is such an interesting character andf I never thought that he was evil because that people always assumed that he was because he just so happened to be because he was in Slytherin. As the series went on I felt the same way about Draco Malfoy. Nobody can be that evil as an archetype.

I think the next thing that I touched on was diversity. I love that JKR has these black characters who carry these interesting backgrounds even though they very well might be in the background. Kingsley is the obvious one that I want to point out. The man was simply a nobody who became Minister. That was the coolest thing. Dean escapes with a field of blokes and has his say and then there's Zabini. He has a realistic family structure seeing that the divorce rates have rocketed. I'm Japanese, but still, it's cool you give a voice.


The fact that Zabini's mum has been married so many times made me question whether he's angry with his stepfather for the right reasons. Just because he's the new guy on the block? I doubt that unless his mum's fifth husband was his father or something. There has to be a deeper reason there because he would be used to this pattern. By the way, if you have ever read Canterbury tales, she is so Aleyson. You don't have to read the Middle English version to get that. I imagine her as a mixture of the 'black widow' and the 'divorcer'. She plays the game, if you catch my meaning. The Aleyson of HP ... JKR is really good.

The next thing? Oh, I would not use so many semicolons as they weaken your writing and should never be overused. That's merely a suggestion from what I know.

I like the idea that you create Blaise as a good character who has an inside duty. You are right that this duty falls on the shoulders of large blended families. I'm one of eight, so there you are. However, unless she was purely after money, for it says she is wealthy, I think she would have had an army of kids. This might be an old days thing, but it used to be that you had to do that to 'seal the deal'. Seven husbands and two kids? In China, maybe, well, no, seeing as Blaise is first-born ... never mind. Anyway, I like the idea that he is a responsible brother and that this is done behind closed doors. He is a quiet kid, so that's feasible.

Luna's introduction seems to have a weak connection. Sorry, but the transition is rather lacking. It seems that you just wanted to get to that next point. I certainly hope the sister is not simply shoved aside as a quick connection. We'll see. Well, let's see if I vcan stay awake for the second chapter. Not your fault, of course, as it is rather early, but we will move on.

Let me know what you think. Please respond. Return the favour (we all like reviews ...)

Well done.

Sleeping Paige

Author's Response: thank you so much for the lovely review. yeah, i tend to overuse semicolons, i believe. i'll work on that. thank you so much for all of your suggestions. i will definitely work to put them into play because i think they are very legit ones that could really better my writing. thanks again for all of your help. it means that world to me!

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Review #24, by Sleeping Paige Of Wolves and Wizards: Disclosed Information

1st March 2010:
Okay, I said at least two chapters, so here we are. You have an interesting thing going on with McGonagall. She's getting on in age, but you might cover that with the idea that Muggles age differently than Wizards. Fine. Keep in mind that she's like 85 and I'm pretty sure she's not that open with Teddy to disclose information with his friends so quickly in the open. If anything else, he's Remus Lupin's son, so I really think that she would be rather strict with him. She wasn't any less strict with Harry, mind you, although she was supportive. Wouldn't telling people out in the blue rather frighten them? And the rumour would get spread - JKR makes no secret that rumours spread like wildfire in her school.

This one is better. You still have excess dialogue, but the plot is better. Dig deeper. Why is the Order still established? Wouldn't Teddy be behind on school work? McGonagall wouldn't let that slip. Think about this. I hope this helps. If you need more, ask for another review. Let me know what you think.

Author's Response: I was worried about how McGonagall came off, and I'm glad you've told me I still have a bit of work to do. I agree she was still really strict with Harry and I probably need to inforce that more, and the rumor thing is coming up soon, I know the JKR has made it very clear, ever since PoS. I'm happy you think this chapter is better though, it went through a bit more editing that the first one.

As for school work, I'll have to explain that soon, because I understand it is starting to seem a bit ridiculous...and the Order's current existance will be explained more in further chapters, probably Ch 12 or 13. Once I've updated a bit more and adding some more details and plotting, I will most definitly ask you for another review. Thanks so much for all your help, I REALLY needed it. (:


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Review #25, by Sleeping Paige Teddy & Her: What would I be without you?

1st March 2010:
FannyPrice,

So, I was nosy last night and peered at your archive again. God, you must think I'm a stalker showing too much favourtism on your behalf. I don't know. Perhaps I'm simply drawn to certain styles. I wondered for a moment why you never requested a review, and then I realised not only was I slacking, but there was a mess in my thread with hardly any organisation.

I like that you write about Adromeda and Teddy. Again, you have this way of just taking minor characters and giving them this life on the page. It's not forced either, so you're not trying to deliberately make a connection with your audience. You craete this connection, but you do it in such a way that it's not forced. You make a connection and you always do something different.

What did you do different this time? You wrote these flashed memories in reverse. I have a theory, but I'm going to ask you anyway. Why? It's an interesting move.

At first I thought Poor Teddy. man, we have another nagging Andromeda on our hands here who resembles Augusta Longbottom. (I like Augusta a lot.) She's old. Obviously, she's going to be protective of him. The whole 'Theodore' thing reminded me of my mother, so excellent job there. (And she wonders why I never go home.)

I have to admit that I was a bit off with the piano, but is a delicate instrument Tonks would so screw up to her advantage. The centre of that was impressive. If you think about it, this fits in the whole delicate household thing with the apidistra. That just begs the question about having a kid who's a klutz and filling your house with breakable things. I guess they can be repaired, so whatever.

The last scene, of course, was just touching. I was waiting for that connection and you didn't disappoint. There isn't much Andromeda stuff out there, so this is a good job on exploring another character.


Sleeping Paige

Author's Response: Hello! And no worries, I don't think you're a stalker at all, actually I'm flattered that you take the time to read my stories at all. Though you may be too generous in your praise. And, I try to put empathy and realism at the heart of all my stories, and if it doesn't come off as being forced...then YAY! I forgot who said, but isnt something along the lines of "i want to see you do it, not the effort behind it." I actually put a great deal of effort into it, but I'm glad that doesn't come through. So, thanks for the reassurance there.

Well, I loved the reverse format here. And, I guess what I was trying to establish was who Teddy was at the end, when he's going to stand on the cusp of adulthood. And then once you got that idea, I showed you how he became that way--like evolution. What parts of his character his grandmother influenced, etc. And, I love that cute little ending; I'm glad you liked it too!

Yeah, in my mind Tonks never had the patience for the piano, so Andromeda was overjoyed (before Dora she used to play for Ted and in her youth) to have someone to teach it to. So, lover of music--yes. Musician-nope. ;)

Andromeda is one of my favorites, and I'm glad you enjoyed my vision of her.

Thanks so much again! And sorry it has taken so long to respond,

FannyPrice


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