Reading Reviews From Member: innocent
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by innocentForbidden Words: Forbidden Words

15th March 2010:
Hey there! (:

This is innocent from the forums with your review. Wow, I don't know where to start. This one-shot was absolutely wonderful and I loved nearly everything in here! I loved, loved, loved how you titled this story Forbidden Words and then there was no dialogue - except for when Hermione says Draco's name that one time. And, I will admit, that bugged me a bit because I was hoping that the whole story would be completely void of dialogue, which would have been an accomplishment in itself. Oh, well, you were close enough and I can look over Hermione saying Draco's name, as this was just so beautifully written. ;)

Your descriptions of everything in here are just fantastic. You really developed Hermione's character wonderfully and though I didn't sympathize with her completely, I did understand her. I noticed virtually no grammar mistakes, except for a few semi-colons that I thought were misplaced. For example, "She was almost forfeiting, giving up and giving in to despair; allowing her body to liquefy and never be solid." It would've been better to use, I think, a comma there instead of a semi-colon. There were a couple other spots like that but that was all I noticed in terms of grammar, so marvelous job.

I don't usually read missing moments - in fact, I can't recall the last time I read one - but this really was absolutely splendid. By far the best missing moment I've read (though, I suppose, one of the only ones I've read). I used to be an avid Dramione fan, but now I'm not anymore - though, I suppose I should say I wasn't anymore, because reading this one-shot has reminded me why I used to love Dramione so much. Now I'm going to have to go find some Dramione fics to read as your story has inspired me to read them again. Fantastic job! 10/10

~ Emma

Author's Response: How very flattering =] Thank you for your very thorough review, lol. I know I have a problem with those semicolons. I know it's completely incorrect, for some reason I just love them lol. I've got to break that habbit =/

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Review #2, by innocentExposed: Kidnapped

15th March 2010:
Hey there! (:

This is innocent from the forums with your review. Let me just start by saying that I really like this story. It's really original; I've never read anything like it before and I'm really interested to see how everything unfolds. I thought you did a wonderful job of really capturing their family and I love little Sophie already! From what I can see from this story, you write children really well, and especially in a story like this one, that's really important. (: You did a great job in the first chapter, for example, of capturing what I imagine would be a child's thoughts and feelings on hearing her parents fighting.

In terms of characterization, I thought most of the characters were developed very well, so good job on that. I noticed, in your earlier chapters especially, that you would tell the reader what the character's feelings were, like - "She was getting irritated" or "Rose was near exhaustion" or "Scorpius, on the other hand, was getting annoyed." Instead of telling us these things, you should show us them. Maybe through the character's actions or dialogue; you have really strong dialogue (though I noticed some Americanisms - like in chapter four, when Scorpius says 'yeah') so I think you should really try and use that to your advantage.

As far as grammar, there were a few typos here and there, but they're not worth mentioning. There were also a few misplaced/unnesceray commas, but not many, and they didn't detract from the story too much so, overall, grammar was pretty good. There was one sentence in the third chapter that stuck out to me: "As they wondered who the strange man that bumped into Sophie was, all four of them continued merrily on their way as if nothing had happened." That sentence sort of confused me; it seemed like a contradiction of sorts, because if they're continuing on their way as if nothing had happened, then why would they still be wondering about the man? I dunno, I tend to get confused easily, maybe it's just me. :D

For the most part, you had really good foreshadowing; I really liked the second chapter, when Rose kept feeling as if someone was watching them - a mother's instinct, I suppose. At the beginning of the fourth chapter, though, I found it a bit odd that Rose was already starting to suspect the man they'd seen on the street when nothing had happened yet to Sophie. It did help, though, to reinforce Rose's character in that you've portrayed her as caring lot about her children and being protective, so I suppose it was good for that. Lastly, at the end of the fourth chapter, when Scorpius says: "I'll find her, Rose. I'll find her if it's the last thing I do" and "'Cause so help me, if he lays a single hand on her, I'll kill him!" I thought those two phrases sounded sort of American-ish and also, I dunno, maybe it was just me, but they seemed a bit corny, at least the one about "I'll find her if it's the last thing I do!" Though, I suppose, it is kind of sweet and I generally like corny stuff, so I'll let it slide. XD

Overall, though, really good job and I really did enjoy this story! There were so many things done wonderfully in here and I'll definitely come back and read chapter five when it comes out. 8/10

~ Emma

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the main plot. I'm always worried that people won't like it and won't find it interesting. So I'm happy that you approve.

I am doing a revision of Exposed right now, so I'll take everything into consideration while rewriting it.

Thank you for the review!


xx


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Review #3, by innocentBreathless: The Lady of Shalott

14th March 2010:
Hey there! (:

This is innocent from the forums with your review! First off, I loved your summary - it really draws a reader in, so props on that. This is a really original fic; I don't think I've read anything quite like it before and it's not the sort of thing I usually read, but I enjoyed it immensely. It's all very intriguing. You have fantastic descriptions of everything in here and you're really balancing the dialogue and the actions quite nicely, so I'm not getting bored, which is always a plus. (;

As for your areas of concern. Plot, overall, I found, seems to be developing nicely. Perhaps a tad slow, but this last chapter seemed to have some interesting plot developments going on. I'm interested to see where this goes - I'll be keeping tabs on this story. (:

Characterization was also, mainly, good. I thought you developed Freddy's character quite well; she's a very unique character and I find I'm feeling sympathetic towards her most of the time and that I understand her frustrations at being "locked up" in the sanatorium. The only character that I'm having some problems with is Healer Crane. I feel like he wasn't developed as well as he could've been been, at least in the earlier chapters. After reading chapter six, I'm sort of starting to get a better grasp on him, but he still confuses me a bit. To me, he seems very mysterious and I don't know if he's supposed to come off this way because it ties in with a later plot you have planned or not, but I suppose I'll have to wait and see.

Other than that, everything was really, really just amazing. You're a fantastic writer and I think I only noticed a couple of small typos throughout these first six chapters, but they're so small that I don't think they're worth mentioning. And Lavinia dying at the end of chapter six? That was a major plot twist that I didn't see coming! Granted, I didn't like her all that much, but now I feel sort of bad for her, that she's dead. So, that's all I have to say, I guess. Again, great job, I look forward to reading more - feel free to re-request when you have a new chapter posted! 9/10

~ Emma

Author's Response: Hi Emma!
Thanks so much for the thoughtful review! I can tell you really put a lot of work into this and I'm very grateful for your insight. Feedback such as yours is truly invaluable to a writer like myself. I honestly can't thank you enough. ^_^

I'm so glad you think this story is original. I'll admit, I wasn't quite sure how readers would react to it. Not many fiction writers tackle the subject of TB, let alone fanfic authors. I was worried that the subject matter would be too distant to relate to.

Thanks a million for your comments on plot and characterization. I do agree with you, this story has been developing rather slowly. I suppose that's one of the unfortunate pitfalls of having a main character that's completely confined to a hospital bed most of the time.

And Crane certainly is a rather obscure character. I've tried to keep his intentions hidden up to this point, but perhaps I should have been a bit clearer as to his motives?

I will definitely keep your feedback in mind when I write the next chapters and revise. It has been wonderfully helpful. ;)

Thanks again for taking the time to read, Emma. It really was great hearing from you. I hope you have a lovely weekend!

Best,
celticbard


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Review #4, by innocentJust Ordinary: Laney Becks: World Class Pessimist

14th March 2010:
Hey there! (:

This is innocent from the forums with your review! Okay, first off, you had a great start to the chapter! I love this story already - it's witty, it's funny, it's hilarious. You did a great job of really getting us into Laney's head with this chapter and characterizing her. I like that you started this story by introducing us to Laney through this chapter, as it helps us understand her character more.

That being said, I want to move on to your areas of concern. I found that the chapter flowed pretty smoothly, with the exception of some things related to grammar that took away from the flow of the story a little bit. For one, when you had the flashback of her sorting, some of the tenses got a bit mixed up. Like you said: "I sat stock still for a moment, perplexed." And then you said: "I had bellowed the words, wrestling to force the hat down." The first one "sat" was just past tense, but then you suddenly switched to past-perfect tense with "had bellowed." Personally, I would've left the whole flashback thing out to avoid confusion with the tenses, but if you feel it's important to setting up Laney's character, then I would've used past-perfect tense the whole time (i.e. "had sat" etc.).

Another grammar-related thing, also involving tense, that took away from the story was when you were talking about Laney's fellow Gryffindors. You kept saying things like: "She was short, small and feisty" and "She was gorgeous" and "The Gryffindor boys were Albus Potter, Fred Weasley, and Carter Hanes." Since, I'm assuming, Dara is still short, small and fiesty, Chaz is still gorgeous, and the Gryffindor boys are still Albus, Fred, and Carter, then you should be using present tense instead of past tense (i.e. "She's short, the Gryffindor boys are Albus, Fred, and Carter"). When you were describing Laney, in first person, you did use present tense ("I have long, chocolate brown hair"), which was correct, but it made your mistake of putting the others in past tense much more noticeable.

Which brings me to the third point that I want to address. While the chapter was mostly funny and you did a good job of characterizing Laney, I didn't like the parts were you were describing Laney and her fellow Gryffindors. I feel it detracts from the story when you list out things like a person's hair color, eye color, what they're like, etc. Instead of telling us these things, you should show us by weaving it into the story; it doesn't all have to go into the first chapter. Like you did a good job of introducing Laney, but maybe with the fellow Gryffindors you could've shown us their personalities through character interactions in later chapters. And as for the description of what Laney looks like, I would've left that out altogether.

Still, though, this was a good read and it really did make me laugh! As far as enjoyability goes, I think it was very enjoyable. I'm excited to be taking this on as a project and I'm looking forward to seeing how this story develops. 8/10

*scurries off to read next chapter*

~ Emma

Author's Response: Hi innocent! I'm terribly sorry for taking so long to get back to you with this review! Which I must say was quite spiffy. ;)

Right. So. The flashback seen is definitely a bit iffy in my mind. I worked on it with the beautiful beta but in the end we concluded that, yes, it was needed [like you said] and that we would eventually look back at those tenses. All in all -- I don't think it was a big noticeable problem where I should immediately change it. But. I will definitely re-examine it in later days. Thanks for reminding me, really.

Not everyone gets my method of prologues. Heck -- I don't sometimes. While the descriptions of each character in the first chapter may have been some what inconvenient, I will admit that I do re-explain each character as you meet them again in the later chapters. Have no fear.

I'm happy to hear you enjoyed it. Can't wait to see what else you think. :D

cheers, ash


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Review #5, by innocentAn Accident in the Rain: Rose and Scorpius Get Down and Dirty (No, Not Like That. I Mean Literally, There's Mud. And Falling.)

14th March 2010:
Hey there! (:

This is innocent from the forums with your review! First off, I really like the title of this story - it certainly puts a twist on the whole 'kiss in the rain' thing. I'll admit I was worried that, when it started raining, it was going to be the whole usual cliched 'kiss in the rain' thing, but it totally wasn't! Having Scorpius and Rose fall down and accidentally kiss was definitely original and new. That being said, I didn't think that their accidental kiss was very believable in that I don't really understand how it's possible for two people to accidentally kiss when they fall down. Maybe I could believe it the first time, but happening twice in a row seemed pretty unrealistic to me.

Also, the first thing I noticed when I started your story was that you used 'ya' ("Hey Scorpius! Come on, will ya?") Personally, I don't like when people use this word - or anything like yea or yeah - in Harry Potter stories because I feel like it detracts from the story as it isn't exactly British. This is just me britpicking, though. Other than that, the story was fairly well-written and there was only one obvious grammar error/typo: "Scorpius shot back after the other boy had finished had finished." You repeated 'had finished,' but I'm assuming that was a typo; happens to all of us. :D

As for your concerns, I thought the story flowed fairly well, with the exception of where you broke your chapter into two parts by using those little asterisks. I generally don't like doing this because I feel it takes away from the flow of the story to jump from scene to scene within a single chapter. I would try to merge it together with some sort of transition, or else separate it into two chapters (although the latter suggestion, I suppose, isn't really an option with this story seeing as it's a one-shot). I really liked the character interaction and all of the bantering between Scorpius and Rose, however, I felt as if there could've been less dialogue. While I do like dialogue, when you weren't using it, you were just telling the reader things - explaining Rose and Scor's relationship, telling us how characters felt about something, etc. Instead, you should try and show the reader these things versus just explaining/telling them. I also didn't like the internal dialogue very much; if you want to get us into the character's heads through internal dialogue, try using first person for the story instead of third. As for the future state of Hogwarts, I thought it was pretty believable - it makes sense that the houses would be intermingled after the war and all, though I don't expect that they'd have joint dorms and common rooms, but it doesn't seem like you think that's the case either as you suggested it was "the brainchild of some overzealous first year." (I thought that was really funny, by the way).

Overall, I enjoyed this one-shot. It was fairly humorous, though I felt a bit more humor could've been injected into it. The whole falling in the mud thing was an original idea, though, so good job! 7/10

~ Emma

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!
Haha I'm glad you thought the title worked for the story. It was really just my lack of title-creating skills...
Really? Oh, well I've read about accidental kisses like that before, but one of them was tripped, and there was no mud involved. That's fine though, and I'm glad you told me. I like people liking my stories (who doesn't?), but it's also good to get some criticism. Thanks for that. =]
My un-Britishness can be a little (okay, a lot) frustrating, as I have no idea what's British and what's not. I'll try to improve my writing. Thanks for the tip.
AHH that's so embarrassing. Thank you so, so much for pointing that out!
All right, I read your paragraph and thanks for all of the great writing tips. (I'm copying and pasting that for reference :D)
There is always room for improvement, and when I go back and edit this, I'll do my best to improve it!
Thanks again for the spectacular review!!

-AKABARA


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Review #6, by innocentGold: Prologue: Waking Up A Bit Too Soon

13th March 2010:
Hey there! (:

This is innocent from the forums with your review. First off, let me start by saying that I'm really excited to be taking this on as a project! This is a really original idea - I've never read a story centered around Scorpius Malfoy's sister; actually, I've never read a story where Scorpius Malfoy had a sister before, so props for originality. I've read Albus/OC stories before, but I can tell this one's going to be a good one, so I'm excited to see where this goes!

It was short, but prologues generally are, though I did find it just a bit too short. Perhaps you should've added some more description, as there was a lot of dialogue (though I did love the dialogue!) Still, even though the chapter was short, I felt like you did a good job of introducing us to Gold's character. And, of course, it was laugh-out-loud funny. When I first started reading it, I'll admit I thought it was going to be one of those chapters that starts when a character wakes up and then ends when they go to bed and is just really predictable - suffice to say, I was pleasantly surprised when she woke up in the common room as I totally hadn't been expecting that. It was a great plot twist!

As far as grammar goes, there were a few, small things I noticed. First, you spelled 'aren't' wrong in your summary - you spelled 'arn't,' but that's just me being all nit-pickity. Also, this sentence: "Once again, I tune her out. It became a habit over the last five years. Obviously, I've still yet to perfect." I think you had a little tense mix-up there, as it should be "Once again, I tune her out. It has (or it's) become a habit over the last five years." And the last phrase of that "Obviously, I've yet to perfect" sounded, I guess, incomplete, like maybe it should've been "Obviously, I've yet to perfect it." But, these are little things, that grammar freaks like me notice. XD

Other than that, it was really well written, and I was laughing the whole time (especially when she woke up in the common room). I think it was a really good start to the story and I'm looking forward to see how the next chapter turns out! Good job! 9/10

~ Emma

Author's Response: Hey Emma!

Thankk you so much for the wonderful review, I really loved it! I'm soo glad you think it's original. I decided to try something new and see where it goes. :)

I promise you, the rest of the chapters will be much longer! My chapters usually range from 3000 to 4000 words.

Thank you so much for all the grammer point outs. Especially the summary one, that's just so embarrassing! I've edited all those kinks. You were abosoutly right, it should have been 'I've still yet to perfect it.' Thanks for pointing it out! I read my chapters on Word so many times, yet I can never spot my own errors. I usually spot them online here, the second they get posted on HPFF, so I've just stopped reading my own work on here. :P

I'm so happy that this made you laugh and you're happy that I requested this one. I couldn't decided between this story and my Marauders era one, so I decided to throw this one at you since I think the character voice in this one starts earlier than the chracter voice in the other one. So to have you say that you're happy I requested this for a project read really makes my day!

Thank you so much for the lovely review once again! :D


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Review #7, by innocentCoiled and Ready to Strike: Al and Scorpius: Tell and Told

13th March 2010:
Hey there! (:

This is innocent, from the forums, with your review. I'm going to try and comment on all three chapters so, bear with me, this might be a bit long as I have a bunch of stuff to say!

To start off, I absolutely loved your summary! It did a fantastic job of drawing me in, though I had to look up what 'the asp' was *hides head in shame* Though it's not the sort of thing that I usually read, I really did enjoy your story; I think it has a lot of potential. I thought it was very believable and your characterization of Albus was very, very good. Especially in the first chapter, when you started writing in first person, you really got us into his head and I totally sympathized with his worries and the feelings he was having.

I will say that I enjoyed the second two chapters better than the prologue. I thought the prologue was very long - especially for a prologue, or even a chapter in general - and I will admit that I did find myself skipping over a few paragraphs that I found uninteresting, just because there was a bit too much boring description. I feel like prologues, in general, should be shorter, introduction type things - I think that there's a lot of stuff you could've left out in the prologue and it still would've been understandable. It was a bit complicated, and somewhat hard for me to follow, as you skipped from year to year and I'm not sure if every scene in there is relevant to the story [at least, so far, but then I'm probably wrong because I'm sure it all ties in somehow (:]. I would say the prologue should be more of a glimpse sort of thing versus just a bunch of random scenes from various years all pushed together, as that's what I felt like it was sort of like.

I did, however, enjoy the elements of humor you added into there - James, especially, I thought was very funny. As far as the first chapter goes, as I said before, I liked it a lot more than the prologue. :D I think the first person really helped and also the fact that it was a lot shorter than the prologue. Keep in mind that if a chapter is too long and not interesting enough, a reader may get bored and decide not to read it, no matter how intriguing the summary is - long chapters can actually be sort of intimidating. Okay, okay. I'm done rambling on about the prologue length now. So, in the first chapter, you did a really good job of characterizing Albus and I find your story, so far, to be mostly believable.

As far as keeping canon characters in character - meaning that they're like how they are in the books - I feel like Harry and Snape weren't very in-character. While I get Albus wanting to be independent and not follow his family's wishes, I feel like your portrayal of Harry wasn't very good; from what we know about Harry from the books, he seems like he would be much more accepting of Albus and whatever house he is in. Also, Snape seemed a bit different from what I remember him being like in the books; by all means, he was funny, and he was, I thought, more in-character than Harry was, but there were moments where I felt he wasn't as Snape-ish as he should've been if that makes any sense.

In terms of your third chapter, I really liked the scenes between Rose and her parents and Scorpius and his. I think you did a really good job of accurately portraying the prejudices that still exist between the Malfoys and Weasleys. The only thing that bugged me about this chapter was that you kept switching POV's between Scorpius and Albus. I would advise you not to do this unless it is completely vital to the story, as it can just be confusing because there's so much going on for the reader to take in. And if you are going to be switching POV's more in the story, I would suggest maybe switching every chapter, versus switching multiple times in a chapter.

Overall, though, your story was good and believable and most of your characterization, at least of the next gen characters - Albus, Rose, Scorpius, James, etc. - was very good. I noticed a few grammar errors, but I don't think they detracted from the story too much - there were just a few spots where you forgot to capitalize something that should've been capitalized, had an unnessceray comma (or were missing one), and, I think, just a couple of small, virtually unnoticeable typos. Overall, though, very intriguing, I think the plot is coming along well, as it doesn't seem like you're rushing into anything yet. Good job and keep writing! I'm expecting to see great things from this story in the future!

*whew* That was probably one of the longest reviews I've ever written! 7/10

~ Emma

Author's Response: Wow! Thanks for the awesomely long review!

Oh, I'm so glad you liked the summary. I originally had a different one for a good two months, before I realized that it didn't really catch eyes. And 'the asp' is our very own A.S.P. as I'm sure you've figured out. ;)

The prologue was long. :/ The thing is, every one of those scenes (except maybe one, but I still felt it necessary to add.) is absolutely vital to later chapters. I debated whether or not to actually call it a prologue, because those are usually kind of short, but then again, it IS a prologue -- the story doesn't start until Chap. 1. Hmm. Anyway, enough of my ramblings. ;)

Is Harry that unaccepting of Al's house? Remember, we're seeing it from Al's POV. I'll be blunt here: Al has a warped-out mind. Yuppitty-yup-yup. Now, I'll definitely go back and see how I wrote him, but it actually was my intention to make Harry look that way through Al's eyes, as it's what Al sees. We'll be seeing some chapters from Harry's, and others', POVs in the future.

Like I said above, I'll definitely be switching POVs a lot in the story. The next chapter will be all in Laria's. I did find it a little important for Al and Scorpius to be going back and forth like that, because my portrayal of their characters and the situations they're in is going to be very similar in the beginning, and I wanted their scenarios here to sort of be a little mirror of each other's, but I'll certainly take what you said into mind.

Yeah, there are some grammar issues going on. xP. I'll be making some edits soon, so I'll for sure go over it all again.

One of the longest reviews you've written? That was definitely one of the longest reviews I've received! I loved it! Thanks so much, and I loved your feedback!


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Review #8, by innocentAsk Lily: Independent Woman

13th March 2010:
Hey there! (:

I really, really love this story so far! Your summary did a great job of drawing me in [and also the fact that Ed Westwick was on your banner probably didn't hurt (;]. I loved how you started out the chapter with a nice hook, putting the reader right in the middle of the action. It's so important to start out like this because I can't tell you how many times I've given up on reading a story when the beginning sentences just weren't captivating enough.

You also did a fantastic job of really indirectly characterizing Lily by sharing her hilarious thoughts with the reader rather than just telling us what she is like and listing things out. There were so many laugh-out-loud moments in here, like: "I reply, smiling at her charmingly, wiping my drool off of the table." I really laughed so hard at that sentence!

I also love that you made Lily an advice columnist for the school newspaper; I've never read a Lily/James fic where this was the case, so good job on being original! Although the whole 'James is in love with Lily while she absolutely detests him' is a little cliche, I'll let that slide just because I love James/Lily stories like that. ;) Your plot seems good, though, and it is quite different from other J/L stories because of the whole advice columnist thing, so I'm excited to see how this story moves forward.

As far as grammar goes, I hardly noticed any mistakes. The only things I noticed were: "if it did that happen," and I'm assuming you meant to say "If that did happen." And also: "So I took you advice and dumped him" where I'm assuming you meant to put: "So I took your advice and dumped him." The mistakes weren't really that noticeable, though, (I'm just a grammar freak, lol) and typos happen to all of us, so that's understandable. Other than that, you really did a great job on this first chapter and I enjoyed it immensely. I was laughing from beginning to end!

~ Emma

Author's Response: I'm really happy you enjoyed it. I tried to make sure the story was as captivating as possible and I really want to drag the reader in. The first sentence is always important so I wanted to make sure that it wasn't the usual 'Hi, my name is...' kind of thing. I'm really happy that it's worked and managed to keep you interested (and I totally agree on the Ed Westwick bit :P)

I'm happy that the humor is working xD. I really try hard to make it funny and I always end up scrapping most of the jokes because I read through the chapters so many times I don't find them funny anymore! But I'm glad it made you lol.

Ahh grammar -_- it's my number one enemy! Thanks for pointing them out, i'll make sure to edit the chapter and correct them.

Thank you for the review!
x


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