Your cat story reminded me of another of mine. One of my cats loves eating plastic bags. We can't leave out grocery bags or trash bags in our trash cans because he eats them. Once he ate some plastic and it stuck in his throat. He was fine other than the fact that he couldn't meow for a day or two. Eventually it passed on through his system --- stupid cat. I've never met a cat that wasn't neurotic in some way.
And was she out of her mind summoning an annoyed cat to her? She was taking her life in her hands.
There is a line that goes, "I had an feeling." It should be, "I had a feeling." But that's the only typo I caught.
It's weird how many similarities there are in our stories. We both have Snape teaching our heroines. My sequel has him teaching Kerri unforgivable curses. And both of our stories have him giving his mother's jewelry to the heroine.
Now where are you going with the little aside about Draco? Are you trying to make us all feel sorry for Draco? Puny, pale, little Draco? Poor Draco...I just can't take him seriously. I've never been overly fond of any of the kids from his generation. The adult characters are the ones that have always had my interest.
Again, this chapter is very good with the technical aspects of magic as Snape is teaching.Author's Response: Yeah, I've read online about cats eating plastic bags (when I was researching just how bad it was for my kitty to have ingested plastic grass...stupid cats!!) I'm glad that your kitty got better, but it is kind of funny that he couldn't meow! But only funny cause we know it turned out all right. I WISH my kitty, A-chan, couldn't meow for two days. He is the most vocal, annoying cat I've ever had. I ended up making Caligula sort of like how I picture A-chan to be in a few years when he's turning into an old man. (Oh my god, as I TYPE he won't shut up! He's such a howler!)
That is just so freaking weird, Aurora. Ok, After I'm done replying to reviews (I ended up requesting a few more cause I'm such a hopeless addict...) I am so over to your "place" to read some more! (Then I must get by beta-ing done for lovely celticbard!)
Ah, the Draco bit. Well, I kind of put it in there for the couple of people I know who are Draco fans and I didn't want them beating me up cause I felt I had been a bit mean to him earlier in the story. But was it mean, or honest? Not sure. I definitely don't jive with the whole "My father abused me and made me do all of these horrible things when all I really want is to date Hermione and be best friends with Harry" Draco...but I do think that he wouldn't have been so nasty if he hadn't been *taught* to be that way. I think in the next few books when he's older there's no excuse for his behavior. He should know better by then. But in the first two books, he's still just a little, easily influenced little kid and I guess that's what I was going for. Maybe a sort of round-about commentary on how even the nastiest people had to be made that way. Yes, very round-about.
Thank you as always ;) I'll be off to return the favor soon! Ugh, you are SUCH a better reader than I am! Report Review
Yes, I'm planning a total of eight novels. I want to retell the entire story from a different point of view. It took almost one year to the day to finish the first one. Assuming I can continue at that pace I should be done in...seven years...
Let's see, I hardly know where to start. The strong point of this chapter are the techincal/magical aspects of it. The Legillimency, the pensieve, etc, is all done so well. Every bit of it made perfect sense even though you're doing some things that we've never seen in canon. It was all believable.
The descriptions in these passages, both action and visual are clear and vivid.
Kerri and Avrille should get together to complain about Valentine's day.
Your mention of the cat eating the rose made me laugh. We have to wrap our ARTIFICIAL Christmas tree in a sheet at night because one stupid cat likes to eat it and then barfs it all over the house.
I saw a phrase that could possibly be tightened a bit. "Avrille's father's brother." That could be simplified to "Avrille's uncle."
A very good chapter.Author's Response: Wow, you crazy crazy chica, you! But if you get all of those novels done, wow, what an accomplishment!
Glad you liked that chapter :) That's probably the one chapter I'm most proud of in the story (even though I am pretty proud of chapter 28 too...he he he...)
Can't wait to see what happens to Kerri on Valentine's Day ;) Poor poor Avrille...and poor Severus being so mystified over what the big deal is.
Yeah, my cats do the same thing with artificial trees! I had some fake flowers I put on a table the other day and my little girl kitty chewed the fake grass up and was puking it up all night. I was so scared she would end up with a blockage, but she seems ok now. Stupid cats! They also chew the hell out of my jasmine plant I have in the house too. But I still love them...
I think I wrote "Avrille's father's brother" because I wanted to specify that it was his brother and not her mother's. But maybe the hair color is enough to imply it. I'll check it out once I get there for editing. Yay for editing! (Why is it so addicting?) Report Review
What I'm trying to do is review as often as possible, but not so quickly that you end up with a huge line of reviews to answer. I've started holding back, waiting until you reply before I post another review. Weekends are a different thing though...I do my reading at night and I have to get up earlier on weekends.
This chapter was well done because it has a lot of humor to it coming directly after the heavier elements of the last one.
"However Severus, though he kissed like a demon..." Whoo-hoo ! Yay Severus. At least those nosy Weasley twins can't tell that from the map.
I see you're setting up tension by having your heroine being a deprived virgin too. I've done the same thing with Kerri but I'll get to torture her for a few sequels before marrying her off. (I plan to write eight novels, one for each year of the series).Author's Response: Aw, you're so sweet! Don't worry too much about flooding me with reviews, though. There are certainly worse problems to have ;)
Whoo-hoo Severus indeed! I mean, just cause he can't have any "relations" now doesn't mean that he didn't have a bit of experience in the past. After all, a young, brooding wizard going to school in Rome and you don't think he got any action from the hot local Italian witches? I figure that it's always the quiet ones who know what they're doing ;)
WOW! Eight novels!? I don't know if that's wonderfully dedicated and creative or just plain insane! I'm glad that I didn't torture Avrille for a few books because I think she would have jumped out of the computer and strangled me. I think I should write a drabble or something where I comfort Kerri and we can share a pint while commiserating over how mean you are!
Thanks as always! Your reviews always make my day ;) Report Review
Snape is being so noble and honest here. He's a lot braver than my Kerri who is terrified to tell Remus Voldemort is her father. I've been dragging that part out for the benefit of my readers.
Crabbe and Goyle just made me laugh. I'd forgotten that part was coming up. I'm glad you included it. Now we know why Snape is sometimes so short with the students. He has a pretty girl waiting for him.
I thought this typo at the end was funny ... “If you wish,” I said, wrapping my arms around her wait." It's the only one I found.Author's Response: Oh Aurora, you are just the sweetest :) Thanks so much for coming back to review when I'm sure you're just as busy as I am! I agree that Severus was quite brave there, but Kerri shouldn't feel too bad! I think that Voldemort being her father is a *much* bigger deal, but I know she's kick-butt so I'm sure she'll end up doing fine (it also helps that we *know* they end up together!)
The Crabbe and Goyle part just sort of came to me when I was trying to remember what else happened that Christmas night. I definitely like the idea of Severus being snippy cause he has a hot chicka waiting for him ;) I do feel bad for those boys, though. They got totally drugged and Severus just thinks they're drunk.
He he, silly typo. I'll make sure to fix that since I'm doing my re-editing and re-posting. Anyway, have to get going on errands now in the couple of hours I have free before work :( Thank you for reviewing, as always! Report Review
I suppose Fred is being sick over the Snape Avrille thing. Those two usually do know more than is good for them.
Your mention of the rabbit fur cat toy reminded me of when we gave our cats one for Christmas years ago. I heard this horrible growling in the other room and thought my mother was watching a horror movie. I thought, "Why is she watching something like that on Christmas morning?" It turned out it was one of the cats running around with that toy in his mouth. The rabbit fur had awakened the predator in him. We had to take it away.
Snape has so many talents. He can even do hair. She seriously needs to snap him up while she can. Can he do dishes and empty litterboxes too? Seriously, he sounds like a hero from a romance novel.
I did see a couple of small typos but nothing serious.Author's Response: Sorry for the super late response! Been busy with work and catching up on lost sleep due to work, so I've been pretty absent from the internet lately besides just checking my e-mail.
Wow, you pretty much got it right away! Yes, Fred and George do usually know more than they should. You didn't directly say it, but in case you didn't fully get it, poor Fred say Avrille and Severus on the Marauders Map standing very close to each other...and then Avrille not leaving the room all night. Poor boy! His bubble got sorely burst...
I love cats with toys...I got one of my two kitties these very realistically shaped mouse toys and she goes NUTS over them. She likes to carry them around in her mouth and climb all over the furniture or throw them in the air and catch them. She's so crazy!
I don't know where I got the Snape can do hair thing...maybe just cause I like it when my husband plays with my hair. And of course he can do dishes and litterboxes! If a spell doesn't exist for it, I'm sure he can make it up in a few minutes ;)
I'll keep my eye out for those typos as I'm reading back through the story. I'm only on Chapter 11, though, so it will be a while yet ;) Thanks as always!! I WILL get back to Running with Wolves soon! I love that story! Report Review
Oh goodness. The students would completely freak out if they knew what was happening, and almost happening in big, mean, Professor Snape's chambers. Who knew?
"If I were a completely virtuous, scrupulous man--that is to say, an utter moron " Probably my favorite line in the whole chapter. Very Snape.
One small thing. There is a place where Snape refers to his "bare torso" which sounds a little too romance novel-ish to me. Coming from an outside narrator it would be fine, but somehow I can't imagine Snape referring to his own bare torso.Author's Response: Wheee.last review to catch up on!! That's funny that you mention what the students would think if they knew what was going on, because I kind of address that in the next chapter. See if you get what I'm talking about ;) A lot of people don't end up "getting it" which makes me kind of sad cause I think it's effing hilarious, if I do say so myself.
Ah yes, that line is very Snape, and very Slytherin. I think the Gryffindors are for the most part pretty good people, but sometimes their honor and "bravery" really do make them make some pretty retarded choices (Harry flying off to the Ministry to save Sirius, anyone? HELLO!)
Yes, the bare torso thing, what can I say, I just couldn't resist the image of Severus sleeping with no shirt on normally...oh well. Report Review
You did in 21 chapters what it took me 35 to do. I tortured my readers more than ten chapters more than you did. I'm either long winded or evil. And I think your chapter is better than mine.
A random thought occured to me as I read this : The Shrieking Shack was almost the Love Shack.
Okay, more seriously, your descriptions are very beautiful. I love the way you did the town. I thought that the comparison of the trees and bushes to " frosted pastries" was an especially pretty image.
You've quite obviously continued to humanize Snape here. Rowling never gave the poor guy much of a chance did she? In some ways it's handy that certain characters are drawn so flatly because we fan fiction writers can just have a ball fleshing them out to our liking.
Have you ever read Jane Eyre? I'm re-reading it for the first time in years and Jane's descriptions of Rochester put me in mind of Snape. She admits that he isn't handsome as most people would define it but he has this sort of aura about him that makes him so. I think the same is true of Snape. No matter how much Rowling goes on about his hair, nose, and teeth, he still just oozes sexy. (Speaking of which, have you seen what those Draco maniacs have been doing in the sexiest wizard thread at elderlies? You need to go over there and straighten them out because they're too much for me to handle on my own).
Best wishes to your husband as he leaves for Iraq. I hope he comes home safely.Author's Response: Hmmm...of course I haven't gotten that far in your story yet (bad Renny! bad Renny!) but I'm going to lean towards you being evil since I definitely haven't gotten the impression that you're long winded at all (of course, that might be because I'm long winded so your long windedness seemed normal to me...hmmm.) Bah ha ha with the Love Shack! Phee hee hee, queue 70's porn music...
Oh man, I LOVE Jane Eyre! I've never thought of that comparison consciously, but I think you're absolutely right. JKR is always like, "I don't understand why people love Snape," but how could you not when she wrote him being just so magnetizing? Now you're making me want to reread that book. Maybe I will when I'm done with LotR.
And no, I've kind of given up on the thread there. It's sort of like...I dunno...gotten a bit immature I guess? Like it's not even worth the effort. I mean, we KNOW that Severus is the sexiest wizard ever. Why defend it? XD Report Review
Alright, I'm back...at least for right now. I'm so behind on my story that it isn't funny.
I think this is the best of your chapters that I've read so far. In the early part you draw out Snape's nobility, romanticism, and sentimentality, and then toward the end while his father is dying he's just viciously evil (not without reason). That scene in particular is just intensely horrific -- in a good way. It's very good writing.
When he first goes home and walks past his father's tomb, it immediately put me in mind of Voldemort at the end of book four when he was at his father's grave. I don't know if you intended it or not but that's the first thing that occurred to me when I read it.
"I needed time to rebuild my walls." Is such a telling sentence. I think it really sums him up. Even in canon, Snape lived behind self buillt walls and never let anyone see what was behind them. He kept up this appearance of cold unconcern when he was really one of the most passionate and emotional individuals in the series, completely ruled by his heart. Of course in your version he isn't in love with Lily but that passion is obviously still there.
You've done a good job creating a complex background for Snape. I did a similar thing recently with the Riddle family which was one of the hardest parts of my story to write.
Now I seriously need to go to bed because I have to get up at 2:30 which is just a few hours away.Author's Response: Oh man, I'm so behind on your stories too. With my husband leaving for Iraq and working extra shifts at my job I've been pretty much not in the mood to read fan fic, though of course your story will be the first one I get back to ;) I'm glad you found the end of that chapter to be horrific because that's exactly what I was going for. It's kind of sad that his father's evil brought out the evil in him, but like you said, it wasn't without good reason. *sigh* I'm getting a bit braindead from answering reviews so I think I might stop now. It was great hearing from you, though! Report Review
Hi Morgana, hope you're having a good trip.
Good, strong opening. It sets a feeling of tension right from the start. I just wish there had been more Draco in the story but I do like how it opens with him and closes with him as well.
Did you do it that way on purpose or is that just how it came out?
Aberforth's goats just amuse me.
"He held her body against his own and blushed, as he realised that she had clearly felt just how much he desired her." -- I know this part worried you a bit but I think that it was well phrased. It doesn't go too far because it's vague enough that it could mean almost anything.
Hermione is just like a hampster on a wheel. She worries and worries and worries and worries and just never seem to stop. Which is typical of Hermione. The boys have always been much more laid back but Hermione frets and beats everything to death from homework to plotting how to save the universe. In other words, she's very canon here.
The only things that bothered me is the way the point of view thing that I've mentioned before, and Hagrid referring to Ron as "son". I've never known Hagrid to call anyone that before and it just seemed kind of strange.
Other than that, good job -- especially when I know how rushed you were.Author's Response: Finally, I got to your review (no internet on the boat!).
Now, I wanted to end the chapter with Draco, as for the beginning, this took me so long to write that I can't hardly remember whether or not I planned this from the onset.
I'm glad you thought that the Harry/Ginny scene was Okay. I just wanted to show that they are both getting well... steamy... but without making it too crude.
Hermione, ah, yes, that's how I view her too. I'm glad you think she is in character.
Now, there are a lot of point of view switches in this chapter. Whilst I don't mind that (but some people don't like it) generally, I wonder if it becomes confusing. Just let me know when we next speak, which I look forward to when I get back from Greece.
I think you are totally write about Hagrid. I think I'll change that actually.
Thanks so much and again, I look forward to talking to you soon. x Report Review
Oh goodness...this girl obssesses over things as badly as my Kerri does. She she or should she not tell him? How will she survive if she doesn't? Sometimes you just want to slap them silly but from a literary standpoint the tension is great.
This chapter is short but a very psychological one. The reader can see her fears, confusions, her misgivings about herself and gets more of an idea of their origin.
I like the way you format the story so that viewpoints alternate from chapter to chapter. That way you get a peek into both main character's heads and see what they're thinking about each other and various events.
And yes...Teddy is doing a lot better.Author's Response: Yes, she is pretty indecisive, but I think I am too in a way. It takes me forever to make up my mind about something. That chapter always kind of bugs me because it is so short, but glad you didn't seem to mind. I also loved writing the alternating POV chapters. It's going to be hard for me now to write in any other way because I just love the set up of doing it that way...
Glad Teddy is better!! Report Review
.."fanfiction stories often don’t follow the rules of nature." --- This line pretty much sums up the whole story. I mean that in a good way because that's what you were going after.
My personal favorite line --- "Ginny was a slat".
I do agree that it's a bit confusing in the way it shifts.is that Harry having weird fantasies or something? That story I told you about that I wrote had the same issues. I deleted mine because it wasn't done on purpose, but yours was so I wouldn't worry about it.Author's Response: Thanks so much babe! It seems that I achieved creating a true monstruousity in literary terms. lol I think I probably overdid it a bit though because it is just very confusing.
As what I intended, although there isn't a very clear or purposeful plot here is that the sexual relationship with Bellatrix was real and that when he was thinking about Draco and Myrtle he was remembering something that had really happened. The bits that were meant to be fantasy where the relationships with both Snape and Voldemort.
I'm still a bit embarrassed about this story though, even if it is bad on purpose. I don't know I suppose it has to do with knowing how easily something so bad came to me! Report Review
Poor Snape. He goes from agony over what almost happened to inviting her into his chambers throughout the course of the chapter. He's very confused isn't he? As one of my reviewers told me once about Remus and Kerri, they should just throw themselves at each other like they want to and be done with it. Or maybe he should just take a cold shower potion. If one hasn't been invented, I'm sure he could do it.
It's interesting to see what goes on in Snape's mind, what he thinks of certain things. For example, he has more respect for Ginny Weasley than for certain other Weasleys and is cautious of Draco Malfoy. I always wondered if Draco was really one of his favorites or if he just liked to use him to get under Harry's skin.
I'd have liked to have heard more about why he agrees with Slytherin about the not accepting Muggleborns into Hogwarts thing. In my story I tried to un-demonize Slytherin a bit by having him be anti-muggleborn because of the witch hunts going on at the time. The reasoning being that it wasn't safe to trust your own neighbors then and he wanted to protect the school.
Another thing I've always wondered is what Snape thought about Harry being able to speak Parseltongue. I haven't gotten to that part yet in my own story. I have a feeling that he'd be very puzzled by it at the very least, and certainly very curious.
I like how you included the ghosts in the staff room meeting. It makes sense since one of their own was attacked but I think I have a habit of thinking of them as part of the furniture or something.
And I'm sorry if there are a lot of typos in this but I don't have time to check it -- I need to go check on my cat who was hit by a car last week and is being nursed back to health.Author's Response: Yes, he is a confused little panda bear in this chapter. I'm definitely looking forward to reading the Remus and Kerri romantic buildup to see if you made it as long as I made my Snape and Avrille one ;) Yeah, they *should* just throw themselves at each other, but our characters are unfortunately responsible adults and realize that sometimes other things have to take priority over what their pants are telling them to do :) And I think a cold shower potion would have definitely come into play XD I know that during my husband's basic training they put something in the food to calm to guys down a bit in that way, so it's not out of the questions for wizards too I think.
I *think* I wrote that Severus "used" to agree with Slytherin's teachings. If not, I meant to change it. I figured that it was just one of those teenage fanaticism things with him and he outgrew it once he grew up a bit more. I'll check on that later.
I also thought that Severus would have been very much "WTF" with Harry's Parseltongue (and maybe a bit "Why can't *I* do that, dammit?") I mean, just the look on Alan Rickman's face in the 2nd movie pretty much sums it up for how I thought my Severus would have reacted.
I hope little Teddy is doing better, and thank you as always for the review! I should have time to get back to Kerri&co. in a day or two (when I'm not sleeping off my overnight shift XD) Report Review
Well, I suppose all my other reviews have vanished so this is almost like starting all over again.
Snape and Avrille are both pitiful. Even as much as they want each other, you're doing a good job unfolding the romance slowly and building tension. I know from experience with my story that this is very hard to do but it drives the readers crazy and keeps them coming back for more.
She's noticed that he isn't "sociable". Those oddities of his that turn most people off only intrigue her. (And us too I guess).
Have you ever watched "Leave it to Beaver"? Draco in this chapter reminds me of Eddie Haskell. He's just so sickeningly polite that you know he's horrible.
I'm surprised that Snape gave in and let her change Harry's grade. Was that underlying decency at work, a desire to please Avrille, or a little of both?
Bummer. Total bummer. We didn't get to see Snape kick Lockhart's a--. I would have loved to have seen that from his point of view.
You have a very useful character in Lavinia because she does seem to have lots of interesting bits of information.Author's Response: Ok, I *think* it's safe to respond to your review without having to worry about it disappearing now! At least I got to read your other ones even if I didn't get a chance to reply to them.
I know, aren't they both so pathetic? But I thought that was kind of realistic, especially when it's in a workplace setting. Some people actually try to be responsible and not run off and snog each other's brains out in the copy room. (Although in actuality I hate the word snog. It sounds too much like snot and that is not something I want to think about when kissing someone...)
I know, it would have been hella awesome to write the actual dueling club, but I tried to stay away from just re-writing the actual scenes from the book, especially when the main character involved was already actually there (like it would have been a little different to maybe see it from Avrille's POV, but since Severus was already there in CoS, it seemed kind of redundant to just put it out there again. We already know he was pretty annoyed with the whole thing, and now we know that it was because he knew he might be late for his date with Avrille! I'm serious! JKR just didn't know it!)
Lavinia did sort of turn into my version of "Hermione Knows it All" without my meaning to, but it's all good. Especially for a character that isn't from Hogwarts and innately knows all of the Hogwarts drama, it's good to have another character there to rehash it for her.
Anyway, thanks for leaving a review since I'm still pretty bummed about losing over 200 of them. It's not the end of the world, but still pretty annoying. I'm going to try and read one of your chapters now so hopefully someday I ca get to your sequel and help replenish your reviews for that ;) Report Review
Finally here as promised.
Draco and Harry still have their moments -- again they put me in mind of Snape and Sirius only I think they're trying harder. Draco is such a little snot. He's been around horrible people all his life that he still just doesn't understand niceness. He's totally out of his league.
I love the part where they're trying to get into Moody's room. It put me in mind of Sir Cadogan and all his crazy passwords in POA. Pretty typical of paranoid Mad Eye...but who can blame him for being paranoid?
I still like how you're explaining the magic thing :
â€śMagic is for real, yes,â€ť answered Harry, â€śbut as I said, magic can be used for many other purposes, to heal, to save peopleâ€™s lives, to make life easier even, just like you have dishwashers, for instance.â€ť
One word of caution though -- be careful bringing Jesus into it. It doesn't bother me because I understand where you're coming from and where you're going with it, but I think if it was me writing this story, I'd be prepared for some occasional complaints from readers. Hopefully not, but you know how sensitive people can be.Author's Response: Thanks so much. I will review your new chapter as well soon.
Harry is now finally trying to put a stop to the little games between him and Draco, he rather be friends with him hence he says it was better when Draco was prettending they were mates.
Moody and his passwords, I thought I had to add something funny and light to this very deep chapter.
On the controversy re Jesus I think I better put a disclaimer or do something.
My views are basically what I said to Joanne K in my reply:
"Starting with the controversial stuff first, yes, I thought I was perhaps going a bit far. Obviously, the HP world doesn't exist so I didn't see how anyone could in the real Muggle world make the comparison. Yet, Harry has had some rather incomplete religious instruction, so he is trying to understand things in his own mind and he's not even very aware that what he says is that controversial. In my mind, when he says, "does it matter though?" he's thinking on the lines of would it matter whether your pure-blood or Muggle, or Muggle-born, because that's what he knows but I may have to either change this or put a disclaimer here because the last thing I want is to offend anyone. Harry is not voicing my own views here and I thought it was logical for him to make this connection. I didn't see the real danger, just because the HP world doesn't exist but maybe I was being insensitive."
Thanks so much for your review.
Hugs x Report Review
Hi Morgana, I'm finally here.
I love these lines :
â€śWell, Father. I know you probably find this very scary, since of course, you must have had no ideaâ€¦ Now, my view is that God must have given us this gift, if you wish. We are free to use it to do good or to do evil."
You and I have discussed religion before and that's exactly how I feel. I really love how you've done this.
I like the way Draco's character is developing. In some ways it's funny to see him so dependent on Harry, but in other ways it's kind of sad. I almost feel sorry for him but I think that the experience is a good thing. He's still a bit sulky but I notice words like "cowardice", "shame", and "pleading" being used in his vicinity. He's actually starting to see his own flaws which is certainly a step in the right direction.
One little thing -- you mention Draco's eyes being blue. I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure they're gray like his father's. (According to canon).Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review and for following this story all the way.
Yes, I think my Harry is very much voicing my own opinions here, well, these would be my views if the HP world really did exist.
Yes, Draco is changing a bit, I hope in a realistic way though. I see him as someone who has been really spoilt all his life and now things have changed quite a bit. Now, Harry is trying to help him, although Draco taunted him throughout his entire time at Hogwarts and he finds it hard to warm up to him.
Yes, Draco's eyes are grey, although I always viewed grey as a sort of shade of blue, but you're right there.
Thanks so much! Report Review
Again, like I said last time, the biggest thing you need to work on is pacing yourself. It seems to me that you go too quickly from scene to scene, like you're trying to fit too much into one chapter. It might be stronger if you picked just one or two of the scenes in the chapter and just developed them very thoroughly.
I like the original scene where they're on their way home and Mr. Dursley is freaking out over the owl. It was very Dursley-ish and made me laugh. This story is highly entertaining.
Harry seems slightly bratty in this one. Well, he did give Dudley a pretty rough time when he came home so the shoe is on the other foot. It's just interesting to see it from Dudley's point of view. I don't think it's occured to him yet that he deserves to be picked on.Author's Response: Hey Aurora,
Hmmm. I understand. Thank's so much for all your critism. It will be taken into account, not only on this chapter, but on others.
I'm sososososo glad that it's entertaining! That's really my main goal, that people have fun and get to see anouther side of the Harry Potter series for a bit.
Bratty, eh? I never thought of that. I just thought that Dudley didnt give Harry enought credit. I think I don't make Duds stupid enough though, you know? I need to work on that...Somehow i feel that somone who can intimidate others so easily can't be THAT stupid. Crabbe and Goyle may be, but untill the 7th book, without Malfoy, they are just other characters. Report Review
One bit of criticism/suggestion : The chapter begins so abruptly, and almost glosses over a serious event. There could have been a lot of humor there if you'd paced yourself more. If it was me, I think I would have started with getting Dudley's opinion on all those mysterious letters and his father freaking out and driving them all over the country, and then I would have gone into the pig's tail incident.
Dudley is so open about his bad behavior and seems to have no qualms about it whatsoever. With Petunia in "Chrysanthemum Evans" it was easy to sympathize with her. In this story, you just can't sympathize with Dudley...at least not yet.
History repeats itself. Dudley sounds jealous of Harry, a possibility I'd never considered before. He's also more open to the idea of magic than he ever seemed to be in the books. It makes sense though, because he sees it as a tool he could use to push people around. I think if he had been magical he'd have ended up on the dark side.
For your question about what house he'd have been in. I think Slytherin. Crabbe and Goyle were total idiots but they ended up in there. Dudley has the ambition and seems to think that any means justify the ends.
And it's very typical for there to be a huge difference between the number of reviews and the number of reads. For my story "Remus's Secret" alone I have 1,583 reads and 24 reviews. (And that story was written in 2004!)Author's Response: Well, Aurora, I am definatly glad to have you as a reviewer.
I never realised that before. It feels like I wrote this sooo long ago...I don't even remember what was going through my mind. Like iv'e said a million times, I have plans to go through and edit everything. Maybe when I'm done with the whole thing, (I expect 16 chapters,) I will go back and add that because I think it's a really good point.
I think you will be able to sympathise with Dudley as he gets older, you know? He's a bit shallow, yes?
THanks again! Report Review
I see more typos in this chapter than in the last one, but they aren't so bad that they distract the reader.
Dudley realized that Harry actually talked to the snake? He didn't just pass it off as coincidence? You're giving Dudley some credit for intelligence here.
But if you think about it, in the books, everything is from Harry's point of view. Harry doesn't like Dudley so naturally he doesn't have a high opinion of him. Who knows -- maybe Dudley really wasn't quite everything that Harry painted him to be.
I also find it interesting that he expresses interest in Harry's dream about the flying motorcycle. It shows that he may be a bit more sympathetic to Harry than he lets on. That may also have been so considering the way they parted ways in "Deathly Hallows." It's really interesting to see things from Dudley's perspective.Author's Response: I'm really glad you like. I think Dudley is really much smarter than JK lets on. I think he just hides it with his gang.
Im glad you liked and hope you keep reading! Report Review
Wow. But first let me point out a couple of things.
"Prologe" is spelled "Prologue". No problem -- that's an easy, quick thing to fix.
Also, I don't think the part about Smeltings is quite canon. (Assuming that you're aiming to be accurate in relation to the canon). Harry didn't go there because it was private and the Dursleys didn't want to send him. The 'institute' that you mentioned was a story that Mr. Dursley made up so that he could explain to strangers where Harry went each summer. "St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys." It's in the first couple chapters of the third book.
Now for the 'wow' part. You have a gift for making me think about these characters differently than I usually do. I'd always thought of Dudley as a total idiot. Kind of like a troll or something, you know? I'd never thought of his nastiness to Harry as being a conscious way for him to gain what he calls 'status'. I'd always thought that he was just stupid and acted like that because he could.
Of course, his bullying did give him 'status' in the books, but I'd never thought of him as being bright enough to plan it that way. I thought of it as just a handy byproduct of his horrible behavior. Does that make sense?
I like the tone of the story. It's very straightforward, frank, and simple. There's no nonsense about it and I think that's exactly how a Dursley WOULD narrate a story.
I like the way you have Dudley always refer to Harry by masculine pronouns only. It demeans him, makes him less than human. Again -- typical Dursley style.Author's Response: A wow back to you. Thanks for the awesome review!
I have gotten sooo many comments on prologue-you have no idea. I plan to do MAJOR editing when the queue opens.
I realise that the Dursley's didn't want to send him, but I've always imagined a scene in which the Dursley's go to orientation and have to bring Harry, and he gets into trouble and such. So Smeltings said that. I didn't put that in...maybe a one shot someday...
Aw, shucks. Thank you sooo much. I really do like the minor (and sometimes mean) characters, but Dudley is my all time favorite. It just seems like there is so much more to him.
I'm REALLY REALLY glad that you liked it, and thanks for getting back to me soo fast!
I hope that you continue with the story...it seems some people have read the prologue and said to keep going...but I have four other chapters up! Maybe there's something wrong...anyway, I hope you keep reading and thanks again!
You asked for criticism so I'll start with that and then go into a short analysis.
First off, is there any particular reason for the wide spaces between the lines? Also, is there a reason why the paragraphs are all so short?
The story has a slightly 'choppy' feel to it in many places. Most of the sentences are about the same length. Varying sentence length will help it flow more smoothly. When you write a story, try reading it aloud and listening to how it sounds. I do that with all of mine and it is the single most useful proof -reading strategy I know of.
I also found a few typos.
What I like about this story is that you took an unpopular, underdeveloped character that most people probably don't think twice about, and gave her more substance. This story is very psychological. It goes beyond the old "Petunia is just a jealous creep" reading of her character.
Petunia's aversion to her name suggests self loathing, which I find in keeping with her character. Although she has issues with her mother, it sounds as though Petunia's father loves her and that she's popular with the boys ( and possibly has a few girls for friends as well). Whereas adult Petunia always carried on about how Lily was the pretty, popular one. this story suggests that she may be exaggerating a bit. Perhaps Petunia is just one of those people who has a hard time loving herself and does not see her own merits.
Her difficult relationship with her mother may hold the key to her motivation for treating Harry and Dudley as she does. Perhaps she dotes on Dudley because she wants to be the mother that she never had, while at the same time she's horrible to Harry because of the psychological scars her mother inflicted on her as a child.
Your story almost raises more questions than it answers. It makes you stop and look at Petunia in a totally different way and wonder about her motivations. Time passes so quickly in it, but I almost think you could have turned it into a short story, devoting a chapter to each separate memory.
In reference to your author's note, I don't know if anyone has told you yet, but Petunia is older than Lily. Here's the exact quote from the lexicon : "Aunt Petunia is Lily (Evans) Potterâ€™s older sister, and the wife of Vernon Dursley".
Hope you find this helpful.Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much. I asked for a review, and did I get it!
I am going to take all your questions into acount. The spacing is not my fault, and I am going to do MAJOR editing on this and my other story when I can.
I am glad that you read into the story so well. I have a "thing" for minor characters, and I know there is something more to Petunia, as stressed in OOTP, when she gets the Howler.
Maybe one day I will go on, but I would like to finish Rabbit Food first.
Thank you for your review!!!!!!!!!!!!!:-) Report Review
The first thing that came to mind while reading this is that the stuck-in-a-closet thing is a bit cliche. On the other hand, it would take just such an unusual and drastic mishap to get these two together.
What you do really well is portray Pansy's emotional turmoil. She's trapped in the torture of feeling that she should live up to certain pureblood standards and her feelings for Hermione.
The love scene was very beautifully written. Actually, the whole thing is beautifully written, and I'm not a fan of slash fiction.
Well done. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you for the review. Yeah, it's sort of clichĂ©, but this is one of my first works, so I think I'm gonna have to revise it again. I'm glad you liked it, though. ^_^ Report Review
The tone of your story is rational and philosophical which seems at odds with the material --- which is why it works. It almost sounds like one of those CNN documenteries where a reporter goes to Iraq or something.
The gradual descent into insanity is well done.is it insanity or is it genuine? The ambiguity works well. It fits with the opening statements about the ambiguity of the concepts of good and evil.
One touch I especially liked was the inclusion of Myrtle. Voldemort is gone, Hogwarts is in ruins, but she's still there...both Voldemort's victim and a student of Hogwarts. Not a living testament, but a testament nevertheless.
Overall, very horrific, but that's a complement as I assume it was the effect you were going for.
Only one criticism -- I notice you have a habit of using apostrophes incorrectly. There were a few words that had apostrophes that didn't need them. It wasn't serious enough a problem to distract from the story though.
10/10 Report Review
The Harry Potter story is more or less a modern fairy tale, but this story seems to challenge that. "Deathly Hallows" ends with a happy ending for Harry and Ginny and the reader just sort of assumes that it was always that way. Not so here.
What you capture in this story is that it takes time to heal and rebuild the pieces after what the characters have been through. Life is not always a fairytale with an instant happy ending. (And Harry certainly isn't Prince Charming here).
10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for the uplifting review! I always aim at realism in my stories: yes, there is magic involved, but that doesn't really help in love, does it? Report Review
This is a beautiful story, both the plot and the writing. It's very simple, nothing ornate or ostentatious about it. Sometimes I wish I could write like that.
It's so weird to see Ron and Hermione all grown up. They're so sentimental toward each other as they never were as kids.
I like the paragraph toward the end where Hermione is remembering scenes from thier past. It goes from happy memories of childhood, toward more bitter memories of adolesence during the war, and full circle to the present where she's contemplating having a child of her own.
I only have one small criticism. There seem to be a lot of Muggle conventions here, the juice box and the pregnancy test for example. They are living in the wizarding world still, right?
Still, a very good job. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I love exploring Ron and Hermione as a couple in adulthood. I think they would have a very passionate and loving marriage. I agree with your criticism. I have a hard time keeping muggle conventions out of my stories. The only way I can explain it away is by saying Hermione grew up in the muggle world and she would probably bring a lot of muggle conventions into her life as an adult to remind her of her childhood. Its just hard for me to try and write for a totally different universe. Thank you again. I really appreciate it. Report Review
Just when I thought I was caught up.
You know reading the part with Draco and Harry I was forcefully reminded of Snape and James. A lot of the things Draco says to Harry sound similar to things Snape has said about James. (The difference being that James deserved it).
Draco just plain needs to grow up and get over it. As Harry points out, they're on the same side. When he does finally start to break down a little, he keeps that classic Malfoy arrogance. You're very good at doing that.
I didn't see many typos, but I did see one that I thought was funny. "Merlin's bear !" Merlin had a bear? Well, Tonks has a werewolf, so why not ?Author's Response: I'm rolling on the floor laughing now with Merlin's bear (it was meant to be beard of course).
You're extremely good at finding parallels, yes, Draco needs to be hit hard on the head with something. I tried to show Draco here as slightly cunning. He's not as bright as Snape (I'm not saying he's stupid) but he's trying to twist Harry's arms by either treating him almost as a servant (comanding almost that he goes to the priest and spill the beans on his behalf) or by trying to persuade him that it's in his own interest, when he goes on about Harry's parents. Harry is not going to begin to believe that they are ghosts but that was what Draco was trying to convinced him of when he run out of options. Silly Draco! Harry and Ginny are getting a bit sort of cosy and tactile again, and the girl doesn't beat about the bush, she is basically asking to move in with him, but wait and see on this one.
Thanks so much for keeping up and reviewing. Let me know when your next chapter is up. I have already started the next one. The one after that I think will contain a bit of action again. x Report Review
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