Reading Reviews From Member: moonbaby11
  
218 Reviews Found

Review #1, by moonbaby11Valour : The Beginning in the End

30th July 2015:
Another very interesting chapter! I have to admit it, it's refreshing to read a Marauders story that doesn't have humour as one of the main genres, as I think that's the majority of the longer stories set in that era on the archives. There were some moments that did make me laugh, though, and I think that's because your portrayals of James and Sirius seem very spot-on. They're not too over the top. They feel just right. Speaking of characterization, I'm liking your Peter as well. You've written him so that he fits into the group and that they all care about him, not like he's just some person they all put up with because they have to and then toss to the side, which is something else I see a lot in Marauders era fics.

The commencement speech was really good and all the little details you added into that scene (the blood purists sighing, the fact that they leave on the boats, etc.) were all really interesting to me and helped to complete the moment. I'm intrigued to see where the story goes now that the group is out in the 'real world' and are members of the Order. I also really want to know what's happening with Marlene and her lack of feelings for Remus. I'm thinking she has feelings for Sirius (or maybe Mary? I kinda caught a bit of that vibe near the beginning) which will obviously create some tension in the group.

The only thing that I think really threw off the flow was the last flash-forward at the end of this chapter. Quite honestly I found it confusing and unnecessary. That may just be because we don't know what's happening yet, but I think you could've ended it with Remus dropping of Marlene at her house and that would've been fine.

Overall, you have a strong second chapter and the start to an interesting story on your hands. I've really enjoyed doing these reviews for you so, if you want more, just drop by my thread again! I'd be happy to read more of this fic.

Author's Response: I was never very good with humor, but I love the marauders. It's kind of ironic, but I love writing it! I love that you like my marauders because sometimes I'm not too proud of Peter. Maybe it's because I secretly hate him, oops.
I love how you've made your own ideas about the relationships! I really never even thought about Marlene and Mary as a couple, thing, but now that you bring it up... I'm not saying anything, but it is a very intriguing idea!
The flash forwards may seem unnecessary, but they are important to the story. I will add page breaks, and maybe that will make it smoother.

Thanks for your reviews, and I will definitely re-request!


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Review #2, by moonbaby11Valour : The Doubt in the Strength

29th July 2015:
So, I have to say that this story is intriguing from the get-go. It starts off right away with a flash-forward, sort of giving the reader a glimpse as to what will happen but not giving away enough for us to actually know for sure what's going on. It's the perfect amount of information - enough to keep us intrigued but not too much that we can already predict how the story will turn out.

I didn't notice any flow problems here. Nothing seemed to jump around too much and I never found myself struggling to figure out where we were or what was happening, so don't worry with this one. This chapter was short but, as it's your first one, it felt almost like a prologue so the length was acceptable. I think this was a good way to introduce us to the characters by giving the readers a little snippet of their personalities so that they're interested and want to stick around for more. And, speaking of characters, I think your Dumbledore is spot on. There were a few times where I could actually hear his voice in my head, so that was great!

One thing I did notice is that Dorcas is the only one who doesn't have the 'almost' in their sentence. It really threw me off nd I actually had to go back and read it to make sure I didn't simply miss it. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but it really stands out in comparison to the seven other sentences at the beginning of the chapter. I would suggest looking into that but, other than that one thing, I don't have any complaints about this chapter! It's a great intro and it leaves me wanting more! I can't wait to read chapter 2.

Author's Response: You definitely boosted my confidence with this chapter. I was nervous posting it because Dumbledore was such a big part of it and I have a difficult time writing him no matter what.

I will definitely go back and edit Drocas' intro sentence. That part is really important, so thanks for pointing it out!

This review was perfect, so thanks for getting to it so quickly!

blackballet


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Review #3, by moonbaby11At Midnight: Mirage

29th July 2015:
I just want to start this off by saying I think you have a very good way with words. I found myself sucked in by your prose quite a few times, but it never felt like it was too much. That was one of the things that stood out the most for me. Another thing that I really enjoyed is that you've focused this story on one of the lesser written about Next-Gen characters. It seems very rare to stumble upon a story starring one of Percy or George's characters. The other kids seem to get a lot more attention, so it brought a smile to my face seeing Molly II as your main character.

Speaking of characters, I adore your Teddy Lupin. He's so different than anything I've ever seen him written as and, to be honest, it was rather refreshing to see such a stark contrast from the way everyone else (and even I, myself) headcanon him to be. I thought that was really great and it helped to draw me into the story even more. I'm really fascinated by the fact that Molly is biracial, especially because I just recently posted my own story with a biracial Molly (her mother is also of Asian descent although my Audrey is Korean.) It's nice to see her written like that instead of your typical redhaired Weasley kid. I'm also very intrigued by your OC, Ethan. He seems rather charming and I can't wait to see more of him in the next chapter.

You did say that this was one of your least popular stories and, as a couple of other reviewers seem to have pointed out, I think it may have something to do with length. I'm not against 8k word chapters when they're deeper into the story and I know more about the characters and the plot, but I felt as thought it seemed a bit much just for an introductory chapter. It was almost as if too much was crammed in at once and I was receiving new information far too fast. I would suggest separating this into two chapters at the break that you already have here, just to help your readers and hopefully draw in more people.

Another thing I noticed was that there were a lot of sentences that seemed to run too long or that just sounded odd when I read them in my head. I'd suggest giving this a quick read through to see if you can pick up on anything or even have a beta look over it. It's nothing too major - like I said, I do really enjoy your writing style - but some sentences were confusing to me.

Overall I think your writing style and characterizations are strong, but you might want to look at what draws in readers and edit up this chapter slightly. Other than that I was entertained while reading this piece! Good job.

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Review #4, by moonbaby11Turning Page: Misguided Ghosts

26th July 2015:
I'm really loving this story. Astoria is such an amazing character, and I can't help but fall more in love with your portrayal of her the more that I read on. I was glad we had the opportunity to see more into her own family life and how the War affected people other than just the Malfoys. I'm really intrigued by these 'crazy notions' that she has. Astoria seems to be really grounded and knows what the bigger issues are, and I like that she can see right through the Ministry's facade.

Once again, I continue to love your portrayal of Draco. He just seems so spot on that it's ridiculous. There was a lot more Narcissa in this chapter as well and she seems just as canon as Draco does. I think you've got a good grasp on both of those characters, so characterization really shouldn't be anything that you need to worry about.

In this chapter, unlike the other, I did notice a few small spelling errors. Most of them just seem to be typos and I'd recommend you just read over it to see if you can spot them. They're nothing too major and I'm sure they will be rather simple to fix. As for tenses, I think that the last paragraph before the break should be written in present tense, yet you have it in past. I'd recommend looking that over and deciding for yourself what you'd like because I think it can work as past, but it would be better if it were present.

Another thing I've noticed in your dialogue is the punctuation. When you have dialogue followed by something such as 'he says' there should be a comma before the quotation mark to end the dialogue, not a period. Once again, nothing too major, but I did catch that in a few places throughout the story.

Other than that, this is another wonderful chapter! I still love your writing and I'm still staring in awe at some of the sentences that you strung together. Good luck with the rest of your story and please feel free to drop by my review thread any time if you'd like my feedback on your other chapters! Thank you for being so patient with me and keep up the phenomenal work!

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Review #5, by moonbaby11Turning Page: Numb

26th July 2015:
Hello! First I will apologize for taking so long with this review because, honestly, I have no excuse other than my own laziness. I'm so sorry! Alright, now onto the good stuff.

All I can really say is wow. Your writing is very strong. Your prose is amazing and you told the story extremely well. You fit in a lot of details that made me really get pulled into this story that you were telling. You have a wonderful way of wording things and some sentences just sounded so great that I think I actually smiled to myself. One of my favourites is certainly 'She burns like a wildfire and I am nothing but the ashes'. I just thought that it was so beautiful and it conjured a very strong image to my mind.

I've never read a story like this before, with the real implications of being on the losing side of a war, and now I'm sorry that this is the first I've ever had the opportunity to read because I've fallen in love with the idea. Your portrayal of Draco is perfect and, quite honestly, exactly how I'd imagine him to be after the war. You added a lot of little things, such as how they never use the drawing room anymore, which really made me feel for the WHOLE Malfoy family, which is something I never thought that I'd do.

I enjoyed the few repetitive moments in this chapter. Draco assuring himself that it was just a dream to allow himself to calm down really helped to show just how much the war affected him, even four years later. And then his repeated mantra of 'shoulders back' etc. really helped to add another layer to his character, I think. There was a reason for his attitude as a boy, and it's something that he picked up from his father. I thought that was a really strong idea and executed very well.

As I mentioned before, your characterization of Draco is very strong and seems very canon-compliant so that's nothing to worry about. I'm really enjoying your Astoria as well. For some reason I never considered that her and Draco might know each other from their childhood, and I liked that you added that in because it adds another layer to their relationship that I'd never considered.

I didn't notice any problems with your grammar but I did notice a few errors with tenses. In the first four paragraphs after the break, the opening paragraphs to the St. Mungo's scene, your tenses switch a lot between past and present. Everywhere else is consistent, so I'd just advise that you look over this few paragraphs and try and sort it out. You had one line that brought me out of the story (and really this is just sort of nitpicky and a personal preference) and that was 'I am careful not to make a sound and to avoid stepping on the little pieces of glass that litter the ground'. There was something about the way that the sentence just so happens to rhyme that threw me off. I'd suggest changing ground to floor but, as I said, that is just my own personal preference and certainly not something that NEEDS to be done.

Finally, I just wanted to speak about one of my other favourite lines: 'itís going to hurt more than a slash from a hippogriff tomorrow'. Reading that actually caused me to chuckle, as I'm assuming it's an allusion to Buckbeak and his third year. I liked that little tidbit. Overall, I thought this first chapter was amazing and I'm very thrilled to read the next one! Great job! :)

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Review #6, by moonbaby11'Eyes' with an 'L': Boom

24th July 2015:
This story was amazing! I've been wanting to read it since it first got posted, I believe, and I'm so glad that I finally had enough time to sit down and enjoy it because, as I said before, it was great!

I'd never imagine Lily Evans as being deaf or going through any of these things so I thought that it was really interesting that you took this approach. I feel as though you captured her feelings really well. I could really feel for her and I think I started to understand just how deaf people see the world differently than hearing people do.

All the details between Lily and Severus here just helped add to their canonical relationship. His desire to always please her, no matter what, even going so far as wanting to completely remove hearing from the world was brilliant. I won't lie - I think it was even more interesting than what canonically happened between the two of them. I also liked all of the signs they invented - Prefect, muggle, and even Sev's sign for James had me cracking up.

I think it was really brave to write a story like this, something that really did reset a default that people wouldn't ordinarily even think about being possible, and it certainly paid off! What an amazing story! (I feel like I keep saying that but it's true). Honestly, it was just an amazing job!

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for reviewing :)

I got this prompt at the same time I was taking an ASL/Deaf Studies class, so it was really exciting being able to write about all the things I was learning. I definitely wanted to include a lot about Deaf Identity and perspective, and I'm super stoked you found it compelling.

Snape's real motivations for joining the Death Eaters, and bizarre cognitive dissonance with loving Lily at the same time is super twisty and interesting, but I'm really glad you liked how I fit this new idea in too :)

This was a HARD prompt to reconcile with canon, but I was ultimately happy about it because it was in reconciling it that the plot sort of emerged.

Thanks again for giving your feedback and being so encouraging!

xoxo
Roisin


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Review #7, by moonbaby11Five of a Kind: Introduction - Dealer's Choice

24th July 2015:
Gahh, I love this so much! This is such an amazing Secret Santa gift!

This chapter was really short so I don't think there's really too much I can comment on, but I can say that I'm already intrigued! Obviously I love the Breakfast Club so this is great for me, but I'm really interested to see where all the characters fit into the titles (it looks like Scorpius is the 'Criminal' character) and what you keep true to the movie compared to what you adapt and change.

I think you've done a good job of bringing the story into the 21st century and into the wizarding world so I really do applaud you for that! Sorry for how long it's taken me to get to this, but I'm off to read the next chapter because I'm very excited about this fic!

Author's Response: Aww, thank you! I'm so glad you like this so far and are intrigued about where and how everyone and everything will fall into place with the movie. Scorpius is the criminal, yes, lol, and in the next chapter the titles will become much more clear. I am trying my best to keep it true to the movie without just copying the movie... plus because it's Hogwarts and they are witches and wizards, I have to add in some magic. So some things will be different or just switched around, but you'll see.

"I think you've done a good job of bringing the story into the 21st century and into the wizarding world so I really do applaud you for that!" That is literally like the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me, and I thank you for that even though like you said, this little chapter is so short and you haven't even met the kids yet so I'm amazed you'd even think such a thing at this point. I do hope you continue to read this and enjoy the next chapter. The next chapter is super long, too, even when not compared to this tiny snippet of a intro, so I hope you like it!

xxNix


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Review #8, by moonbaby11Cost of Redemption: Prologue

14th July 2015:
Hey! I'm here with your (slightly delayed - oops) review!

First of all, I just want to say that I've never really read any Regulus stories for some reason, which is odd because I've always thought of him as such an interesting character, so I'm so glad you popped into my review thread with this! I think you had a really strong characterization for Regulus. He seemed to follow what we know about him in canon really well and you added a lot of layers to him too. I really started to feel for him and connect to him and his inner struggle between family and doing what is 'right' so that means you're definitely on the right track with this story! Although it was short I felt like I learned a lot about Regulus, which I believe proves that you're a great writer.

I loved the description used in the opening scene. I loved that you brought all the senses into play - what Reg could smell and hear - as opposed to just what he could see. It really brought me into the scene and helped me to create a strong mental picture in my mind. I loved the small bit about the young girl that was brought up at the beginning and then returned to at the end. It really pulled on the heartstrings and I found myself feeling a lot for this character that had a very small part in the chapter. Well done!

You also seem to have a very strong grasp on the Black family dynamic. Regulus considering whether or not his parents would sacrifice themselves for him was a strong scene and I think it did a very good job of explaining the relationship he has with his parents. All the stuff about Sirius seemed spot on as well. I especially enjoyed the line about the slammed door in the face and Sirius just seeing him as a snake. It kind of went to show that Regulus isn't wholly at fault for the demise of their relationship and I liked that a lot.

Just one quick spelling mistake that I noticed - you used the word 'dogged' instead of 'dodged' in the story. It's not a huge deal, especially as it was the only error that I caught, but it's certainly an easy fix and something that would help this story become even better.

Overall, this is a very strong opening to this story. I would love to see where you take this, so when the next chapter is up PLEASE drop by my thread again! I'd really love it :) Good luck!

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Review #9, by moonbaby11Traces: prologue.

9th January 2015:
AHHH YES THIS LOOKS AMAZING ALREADY I AM SO EXCITED!!

I have to admit that I haven't seen HTGAWM (I should probably get on that) so I can't really say much about how this relates to the tv show, but I can say that I'm already loving this! All the characters seem so interesting, even if we don't know a whole lot about them. Like, I just can't wait to find out even more about all of them! Rose is really intriguing to me right now, since she's the one that seems the most concerned about the crime they have just committed and I'm excited to see how she deals with what has just happened to all of them. Honestly, though, I can't wait to delve into the back stories of all these characters. I'm also (obviously) very pumped for the Hugo/Scorpius that you mentioned would be coming up!

I almost want to go and watch HTGAWM right now so that I'll get any parallels and have some sort of idea as to what's coming next, but I also kinda want to read this without any knowledge so that I'm surprised with that happens, ya know? Either way, I'm definitely going to be following this story! Can't wait for the next chapter!!

Author's Response: I'M GLAD YOU'RE EXCITED AND THANK YOU FOR THE HUGO/SCORPIUS SHIP SUGGESTION

My first thought is always YES GO WATCH HTGAWM RIGHT NOW YOU WON'T REGRET IT but also if you haven't seen it i can SHOCK YOU WITH PLOT TWISTS. then again the show does those plot twists so much better and i don't want to deprive you of the full HTGAWM experience so it's a difficult balance to strike but EITHER WAY I HOPE YOU KEEP ENJOYING THIS STORY

Thanks so much for the review!


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Review #10, by moonbaby11Losing You: Losing You

6th January 2015:
Here I am with your (insanely late, I apologize) review!

First of all, I absolutely loved this story. You said that you weren't sure if it kicked people in the feels or not, and I can tell you that it certainly kicked me in the feels multiple times. There were probably two or three instances where my eyes were welling up with tears, so I honestly don't think that you need to be worried about whether or not you're making your readers feel what you want them too. I think you have a very emotionally charged story here and I doubt anyone could get through it with dry eyes.

I've never really considered just how lonely Remus would be feeling in those months after the death of Sirius as Harry's feelings are the only ones that are really touched upon in the books (I believe? It's been a while since I've read OOTP or HBP). This is just a reminder of how much Remus has lost and it makes me feel sympathetic for him in a way that I've never really thought about before. This absolutely broke my heart and I doubt I'll ever look at the death of Sirius in the same way again.

Your writing is amazing. There are so many lines that I absolutely adore, but I think my favourite would have to be "This time youíre not just locked away, but an entire plain of existence away from me." I feel like this was a really powerful sentence and it hit perfectly. I also loved the use of the quote. It seemed to be placed perfectly, and the sentences that you wrote after it tied in so well that I was shocked to come to the end and realize that it was from Dr. Seuss and those words hadn't come directly from you.

I don't think you have any problems with flow. This story is very much inside Remus' head and I generally don't have issues with flow when it's something like this - much more character and emotionally driven than plot driven - so I wouldn't worry about that.

Overall, I loved this story. I felt like you really told something real here and it did hit me right in the feels. Great job!

Author's Response: Hey,

Thanks so much for reviewing. Don't worry about it being a bit late. I always leave mine far too long before getting to them. It's nice to hear that you found the flow and everything worked. I was really trying to convey all the emotional baggage that Remus would be carrying around at the loss of his only living best friend.

Thanks so much for reviewing for me. You're fantastic!

xx-Wolfgirl17


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Review #11, by moonbaby11L'optimisme: Wales

20th December 2014:
This is another beautifully written chapter. You have an amazing way with words. You know how to string them together to not only tell the story really well, but also in a way that almost seems poetic, if you know what I mean. I love your word choice and the way you form your sentences just... everything about the way that you write is amazing and I wish that some of your talent would rub off on me.

I was slightly confused by the chance of POV at first, but once I caught a few key things (like the mention of Germany being his home) I completely understood what was happening. I don't know if I'd suggest putting some sort of indication near the beginning that the POV is switching because it might throw off the story, but I think it is something that you should consider.

By the time I had finished reading the chapter, however, and looked back at the first one, it was clear that the two voices are very different from each other. It doesn't just sound as if you're switching out names, but it honestly feels as if the two chapters were written by two different people. There is a clear distinction, and I love it.

I absolutely adored the description of the kiss - I think that was my favourite moment from this chapter. You painted a very vivid picture, and all of the words just seemed to come together in a beautiful way. I know I've said it before, but I'm blown away by your writing and the style that this piece has.

Overall, I don't have anything negative to say about this. I want to apologize again for taking so long, and wish you good luck with the rest of this story!

Author's Response: Hey there again - thank you so much for coming back! :)

Thank you so much! :) That is amazingly lovely to hear from you; I'm really at a loss of how to respond properly to that without just repeating 'thank you' over and over again. If it helps, I spend ages writing these chapters - I'm so slow! If I can't think of the right way to phrase things... it's so annoying :P

Mm... yeah, I wasn't sure it was going to be clear (and, tbh, knowing the characters and full backstories and all, it's difficult for me to tell, because I know from the beginning, you know?), so I'll definitely think about making it a bit clearer, maybe some more differing details at the top of the chapter or something? Thanks for mentioning it, though! :)

I'm so happy that there is a distinction, though, because having never written first person or a pov switch before, I really wanted to make sure it seemed different, so thank you! :)

Ah, thank you - it's odd, you know, because I hate writing kiss scenes. They're so hard - too much description and it's weird, too little and it's weird... but at the same time, you want enough that it seems real. So irritating... but that just makes me all the more amazed that people like that moment, so thank you so much! :)

Thank you so so much for the lovely pair of reviews - they were so great to get! :)

Aph xx


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Review #12, by moonbaby11L'optimisme: Silence

19th December 2014:
I am (finally) here with your review! I sincerely apologize for how long that it took me to get to this.

I really love the style that you have used for the piece. It comes off as very reminiscent, and it almost feels as if I'm in a dream the way that Albus floats between ideas. I think it works really well and it definitely helped to capture my attention. You have good use of words and phrasing and there were moments where I almost felt as if I was in Dumbledore's penseive, looking back at all of his memories.

You asked about characterization and I think what you have so far is good. There is nothing that stood out to me as being out of character, and I think that the way that you are writing Albus is very true to his personality. It's sometimes strange to think about people that we've only known as adults as young people, but I think you do a really good transition and I can see quite a few personality traits from the Dumbledore we know from the original series in the character that you are writing here in the story.

I think your use of first person works really well. I don't think that using third person would have been as effective, especially with the style that you have chosen, so I definitely think that you made the right choice there.

This chapter was a little slow, but I don't think it's really a problem, especially since you're going for a whole 'reminiscent' thing. I assume that the rest of the novel is written in the same, slow manner, which I think is good. As long as you remain consistent with your pacing then I don't think it will be a problem.

Overall I loved this first chapter and I regret the fact that I took so long to read it! Keep up the great writing!

Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks so much for stopping by - and don't worry about the timing, I completely get that sometimes RL just sucks you in and doesn't let you go! :)

Thank you! I'm so glad you like it - reminiscent is really hard to aim for, because it's really vague, lol, so I was so worried it was just sort of maudlin and nothing else, and kinda dull. Also, I have a habit of rambling, a lot, and this style doesn't exactly help with that :P

I'm so glad you like Albus so far! It was kinda strange writing him backwards, almost, from an adult to a child, because it's not the usual way to think about it, but I tried to ground it as much in canon as was possible - though it's debatable how much of that there is, given how secretive he is as a character in the books. Still, I love writing him so I'm so happy you like him so far! :)

Yeah, the original version of this was pretty different - and in third person - and first person just seemed to fit for this, though using things I've never used before always makes me nervous!

Ooh, great, thank you so much for that! I tend to write a lot of description, which makes things slow pretty naturally, and it's hard for me to speed it up, so I'm so glad you think it works as it is. And yeah, the rest of it is pretty much the same sort of pace! :)

Thank you so so much for the review - and no worries about timing; RL is difficult at times! :)

Aph xx


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Review #13, by moonbaby11The Lost Wolf: In Limbo

3rd December 2014:
And here's your second review!

I really loved the parallels between how Cassandra used to look and how she looks now. Her original appearance seems flawless, and is almost bordering on Mary Sue, but I like how you have twisted it around. As I said in my previous review, you don't often see characters with physical disabilities and deformities like scars, and I think it's really important to have main characters that aren't just conventional beauties.

I don't think I've ever seen a Sirius/OC story set in the Hogwarts era, and I'm excited to see how this is going to play out. You seem to have a really original idea on your hands, and I applaud you for coming up with something like this.

All of the information about Cassandra's backstory that continues to come forward is very intriguing. You've done a good job of supplying enough information that I felt like the plot was moving, but not too much to give everything away all at once. You seem to be good at balancing things like that, which isn't always the easiest thing to do.

Overall, I think you have two solid chapters on your hands here. There really isn't anything negative that I have to say about them, so good job. I'd definitely be willing to read and review more, so don't be afraid to drop by and rerequest!

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Review #14, by moonbaby11The Lost Wolf: A Wolf at the Door

3rd December 2014:
Hey, I'm here with your reviews!

This chapter was interesting. It definitely set up the story, as well as providing enough background information about the characters to not only keep the reader intrigued about their future, but also intrigue them about their past. That's definitely something that you want to establish in the first couple of chapters to keep your readers hooked, and I can honestly say that I already can't wait to read the next chapter!

Cassandra seems like a very interesting character, what with her physical disability (something I've only seen very rarely in stories) and the fact that she is gifted. The mention of a wolf attack has me thinking that it might be a werewolf, especially with the way that you ended this chapter.

I think it's always hard to review the first chapter of a longer work because it is really only setting up the plot and never seems to have much action or anything like that (hopefully I'm making sense). Regardless of that, I think you've done a good job with what you have here. I think I sort of have a feeling for where you are going with this, and I have to admit that I am excited!

There are a couple small spelling errors in this chapter, so I would suggest perhaps looking it over to see if you can spot anything. It was nothing major, but I know that spelling mistakes are something that normally bring me out of the flow of a story. Other than that, I think you've done a great job with introducing everything here and I can't wait to check out chapter 2!

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Review #15, by moonbaby11Kissing in Private: Part Three

30th November 2014:
I am still laughing about that last line! I don't know why I found it so funny, but I did. I really do love Runa, even if she's only been in the story very briefly. I can't wait to see more of her character!

This chapter was really good and I really loved the flashback used at the beginning. I can clearly picture young children doing something like that. I played house a lot as a kid and I think it's something that most children do. I felt bad for Teddy and I know what it's like to have a small comment from your childhood stick with you. I thought it was very believable.

The relationship between Teddy and Victoire is really interesting and I'm excited to see where you take it because, right now, it's pretty clear that his feelings are not reciprocated. I really hope that Victoire realizes how terrible a person Derek is before things between them go too far!

One thing I wanted to point out was that in the memory scene you used the word 'improve' instead of 'improv'. That was the only typo I noticed and, really, the only negative thing I had to say about this chapter. Overall it was great and I can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for coming back to review! I love your reviews.

I'm so glad you like Runa! I hope as you see more of her you will continue to like her. This is a more subtle approach to the development of a relationship, I feel, and I'm glad it is well received thus far!

I used to play house all the time, too! Haha! Thank you. I'm glad you thought this was an accurate depiction of childhood.

Thank you! The relationship with Teddy and Victoire is quite complicated, even in my mind, so I know I will have to tread lightly as I continue. I hope you enjoy what I come up with!

Ah! thank you so much for pointing that out! That's one of those words that my fingers just automatically finish, haha! I fixed it right away. Thank you for pointing it out!

Thank you so much for continuing to read my story! I really appreciate your time and your wonderful reviews. I will update soon!


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Review #16, by moonbaby11Tunnel Vision: Indecision

30th November 2014:
I really love your version of Next Gen. I touched on this a bit in the last review, but that is the one thing that has stuck out the most. The way that the war has affected not only the people that lived through it, but the children like Rose and Albus as well seems extremely believable. I loved the use of the DA picture, not only that Rose used it as something to instill courage, but also just the simple fact that she has a picture of them in her room. It seems as though she looks at it often, and I really liked that small scene about the image.

Not a lot happened in this chapter again, but Rose is still interesting enough that her thoughts made me want to keep reading to learn more about her, her relationship with Amy, and her relationship with her family members. Rose continues to be a character that I care about and want to learn more about, so good job with that.

I also really loved your characterization of Hugo. I may be a little biased as he is one of my favourite Next Gen characters, but I like the way that you portrayed him. He seems a lot like Ron, but he is not a carbon copy. I felt bad for Rose when he reacted the way he did to her coming out, but I know that it will only make the next chapter more interesting.

You said that you are not sure about this story but I honestly think you have nothing to worry about. I enjoy it and I think you should continue it. I can't wait to see where you take the plot and the characters and I would love to see another chapter!

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Review #17, by moonbaby11Tunnel Vision: Letters in the Dark

30th November 2014:
Hey, I'm here with your review!

So far I think that the premise of this story is really interesting. Not a lot happened - this chapter was mostly just focused on Rose's thoughts and inner monologues - but you seem to be developing a really interesting character there. The character of Amy is also intriguing. Even though we haven't seen her yet, you proved enough information in her letter and in Rose's thoughts to give the reader some kind of a feel for who she is. I am definitely intrigued to see where you go with her and if she turns out to be the way I think she is.

I just want to say that all of the mentions of the war and the DA reunions were amazing. I don't very often see Next Gen stories tie in the fact that their parents are still suffering from seeing their friends and family killed in the war, but I like that you managed to tie that in. It made me smile, imagining the DA remaining in touch and getting together each year to share stories and bond with each other in a way that they can't really bond with anyone else.

On to some things that I think need improvement: There were quite a few typos and awkward sentences in this chapter. One of the sentences in Amy's letter to Rose had 'though' in it twice, and then the sentence after that had it as well. It didn't read well, so I think you might need to read over this chapter and make some changes to your sentences so that everything flows. Another thing is that, near the end, you referred to Rose as Amy twice. I was really confused at first, before I realized it was a typo, but you should definitely fix that!

Overall, I'm interested in where this story is going. You've drawn me in and I'm excited to read the next chapter. Good job :)

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Review #18, by moonbaby11Esto Perpetua: My Side Of The Fence

29th November 2014:
And here I am with your second review! I'm really enjoying this story and where you are taking it. This chapter was so much darker than the first one, and I really enjoyed it. It showed how sheltered the Hogwarts students are and the completely different atmospheres between the school and the "real world".

I'm really enjoying the character of Regulus and I love the relationship he has with Sirius. They seem to be similar in many senses, but you can see that Reg is much more about pleasing people and doing what his parents expect, which ties in to who he will become. I also really enjoyed the character of Uncle Alphard. He was fun and added a sense of lightheartedness to this otherwise very serious chapter.

One thing I do have to say is, aren't there rules against underage students using magic outside of Hogwarts? Neither Reg nor Sirius are 17, right? So I don't think they would be allowed to pull a prank like that without getting into some trouble with the Ministry. Just thought I should point that out...

I'm not sure what else to say, other than the fact that this story is very interesting and you've definitely drawn me into it with these two chapters. You are a good writer and everything seems very believable. You have an interesting premise and the characters are memorable and enjoyable to read about. I hope you get some more readers, because I feel like this story definitely deserves it! Keep it up! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad it is living up to your expectations so far. Yes indeed, sometimes in canon the students were so far removed from the outside world that it was positively frightening. And of course it didn't help that their only source of information came from government propaganda like The Daily Prophet.

Reg is one of my favourite characters, and I really wanted an opportunity to explore him. I'd like to think that in spite of - or maybe because of - being brought up with his family's traditions and expectations on his shoulders, he had a close bond with Sirius. Haha yes, Alphard is a fun character :D

The rule says that underage students shouldn't perform magic outside Hogwarts, but there is no way to say if the magic in question was performed by the student or an adult in the vicinity. As the party took place in a heavily warded Pureblood garden, and they were surrounded by adults, it is unlikely that the Trace was activated.

Thanks again for the very kind review. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #19, by moonbaby11Esto Perpetua: The Last Vestiges Of Peace

28th November 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your review!

I really enjoyed this. It's been a while since I've read any Marauders, and this story is reminding me why I love the genre so much. I think it's rare to find a story that focuses on the four boys more than it does a romance between Sirius or Remus and an OC. I like the fact that most of the characters present in the story are canon. I don't have anything against OCs, but it is refreshing to see a story that utilizes all of the minor characters in the HP novels instead of unnecessarily creating new ones.

Overall I really enjoyed the feel of this. It was lighthearted, but I think the reader also gets the feeling that something darker is under the surface and will probably make itself known soon. I liked all of the information about Sirius' family and how he finds refuge in the Potters because he never received the same kind of love and care from his own parents. It was interesting to see the parallels and I think you are smart for writing about it in that way.

I want to briefly talk about your characterization of Peter because I think he is fantastic. You seem to capture the fact that he is a bit of an outsider very well, but you don't have him acting like a complete idiot or secretly hated by the other three boys. They all seem to sincerely care for him, even if he isn't as close as the rest of them are, and I think that is refreshing. Too many people play Peter off as a joke and someone that the Marauders never even liked, when I think it is clear that they were honestly friends. I also really like the way you've written Lily - she's not yelling at James every chance she gets or complaining about how terrible he is all the time, which is something that is common in most Marauders stories, and I think the way you are portraying her is very realistic.

Overall, I think you have the makings for a good story here. It is only the first chapter, but I am interested to see where you take the plot and the characters. I think you have a good grasp on all of the characterizations and I can't wait to see more of minor characters, as well was get to really see how you write Regulus! Really good job.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Sorry for the late reply - I was terribly sad to see the little button return to zero at the top of the page, and kept procrastinating till another review came along.

I am a little prejudiced against romances focusing on Sirius and Remus and OCs unless they are done very well...and I did want to delve into the social and political climates of the wizarding world, and explore a bit of magic and not concentrate only on romance.

I'm happy to know I got across the points regarding Sirius' home life well enough. I did a couple of rewrites of that scene before I was satisfied with it.

And yes, things get much darker very soon!

Ah yes, Peter. It irks me too, when he is left out by writers, because he was an important part of the group. And you do have to be very clever to fool your closest friends of the length of time that Peter did. There'll be more of him in chapter 5. I love Lily. She's one of my favourite characters, and I didn't see how the canonical description of her as "smart, kind and funny" would coincide with the howling, screaming banshee we see often in fanfics :/

Regulus makes a brief appearance in chapter 3, and then again a major appearance in chapter 7 (I'm writing that at the moment, anf it's giving me a lot of grief!)

Thank you so much again for the lovely review. It's been immensely helpful with regard to writing out the next few chapters, and I hope you won't mind me coming back to rerequest :D


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Review #20, by moonbaby11fall.: fall.

23rd November 2014:
I've never read any Teddy/Rose before (actually I don't think I have ever really read about Teddy with anybody other than Victoire) but I really enjoyed this piece! The way you described the season and the scenery was perfect. Even though it's snowing outside right now, I felt like it was autumn and that I was surrounded by falling leaves and all of those bright colours. I think that really helped to set the scene. I also really enjoyed the way that you repeated the word fall and tied it together not only with the season but with someone or something falling. I thought that was really smart.

I liked the use of dialogue. There wasn't a lot of it, and I thought that what you have was used really well. All of your sentences sounded good - there weren't any that seemed wonky to me so good job. I'm always blown away by people that write in a language that is not their native language and manage to string words together in a great way.

There were a few small spelling errors, nothing overly major, and quite a few instances of slipping back into past tense. I would suggest reading it over or having someone else look it over for you to try and catch those moments because they did throw me out of the story slightly. Other than that, I thought everything was written really well.

I felt so bad for Rose that she was trying to be the bigger person and end things so that she didn't hurt Victoire. I really liked your characterization of her and the whole situation with her relationship with Teddy. I love the last sentence. It hits hard and really ties everything together. Overall, I thought this was a great piece! Keep it up! :D

Author's Response: Hi! First off, sorry it took so long to respond to your review. I'm awful, I know.

Anyway, I understand what you mean! Teddy/Vis is just perfect and I've read a lot of that pairing and even wrote them as well. The general idea for the story, though, was for a pairing that was not generally done and one that broke the general canon expectation. Which is why I landed on Teddy/Rose.

I'm so happy you like the way I described autumn. It's my absolute favorite season in the world because of all the colors that I see and it's just the awesomest of all awesome seasons. hehe.

I'm glad you feel the use of minimal dialogue was good because I am just NOT a fan of doing dialogue at all and thought this story might be the perfect opportunity for me to exploit this weakness.

Thank you for pointing out the tenses. I've gone over them and so has a friend and I think I've gotten it all sorted out. I've never written in present tense before so the past tense, which is my favorite, just slipped out, I guess.

Anyway, thank you so much for the review. I'm glad you felt sorry for Rose as that's what I'd hope for when I wrote this story. Again, sorry it took so long for me to respond but I appreciated your review when I got it. THANKS

--Carla


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Review #21, by moonbaby11Kissing in Private: Part Two

22nd November 2014:
I already love Runa, even if she was only introduced at the end of this chapter. I liked the fact that she was willing to put Teddy in his place. Being defensive is understandable when you are in a position like his, but she had a good point about not being too quick to be defensive. I think she will make an interesting character and I am very excited to see where you take her.

I'm not sure if it will be present in all of the chapters, but so far I really love the fact that each chapter begins with a flashback to an earlier moment in Teddy's life. It is really helping to explain his character and what he is going through and how he has become the person that he is now in seventh year. I hope that you continue to do that because I think it is a really smart technique.

I felt as though this chapter was a little short. Quite honestly I'm not sure what you could have added to make it a little longer, but I felt as though it could maybe use another scene or the scenes could have been extended slightly. Another thing was that Teddy went from thinking about his Muggle Studies essay to being in Transfiguration class and I was really confused at first because I thought that Professor Connors was the MS teacher and that was what class he was in. Maybe look at those few sentences and see if you can change them up a little bit to make it more clear.

Overall, I felt that this chapter was very solid. Please drop by my review thread again if you feel like my reviews were helpful because I would love to read the third chapter when it's up!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you like Runa. While I was writing this, I found out that it is really tough to INTRODUCE a character who has many facets to their personality, so I'm really happy to see that you like her already. I hope you continue to enjoy the way I write her!

I'm so glad you picked up on that! I was actually planning on continuing that tactic, but I wasn't sure if it was an effective technique. Thanks to your feedback, I feel more confident that I can continue using this to add layers to Teddy's characterization. Thank you so much!

I totally agree that this chapter felt a bit short. I also agree that I'm not sure what else to put in this chapter! Haha! I also agree that it was a bit confusing about the Muggle Studies vs the Transfiguration class. I'll take another look at that section.

Thank you so much for your reviews! I really appreciate your time, and I'm so happy you enjoyed my story. I'll definitely let you know when I update!


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Review #22, by moonbaby11Kissing in Private: Part One

22nd November 2014:
I am so glad that you asked me to review this because it was already sitting open in another tab and I was planning on reading it later tonight! That means that I was already drawn in by your summary and the little bit I knew about the story, so good job there!

I don't read a lot of Teddy/Victoire stories, but I have never seen Teddy portrayed like this. Even the few times I have written him he has always been confident with his powers, or at least seems rather indifferent to them. I like how this is different because I have never seen a Teddy Lupin that acts like this. Most people never really consider that a metamorphagus would most likely have to learn to control their powers and might face adversity because they are so rare and different. Your characterization of him is really interesting and I can't wait to see where you go with him.

The opening scene was perfect. It really set up the rest of the chapter and sucks you in right away. I felt really bad for young Teddy, so you definitely managed to solicit emotions from the reader right from the get go. I think that is important because it very quickly gets the readers interested in the struggles of the characters and what is going to happen next with them. I'm already very interested in learning more about Teddy Lupin.

I'm not sure what else to say about this chapter as it was only the first one and you seem to just be setting up the rest of the novella, but I can't wait to read the next chapter to learn more about all the characters and see where you are taking the story. It's really great to see you writing again and you seem to have leapt back into things really easily :)

Author's Response: Oh yay! Thank you so much for your review! It means a lot to me that you were already interested in my story. Thanks so much!

It is so nice to hear that you've never seen a Teddy portrayed like this. I'm not quite sure why, but every portrayal of Teddy I've seen has been this confident, bad-boy type. I even wrote a few fics about him with that characterization. But I wanted to take a different look at his character; I wanted to really look into the details of his circumstances and think about how those circumstances would shape his character. Once I did that, I found this really vulnerable, innocent kid who's just trying to fit in but finds it impossible, and there's no one to help him with his gift. I'm so thrilled that you like his characterization!

Thank you for your comments on the opening scene! I had had this idea for the story for quite a while, but it took me a bit to get it up because I couldn't quite get the opening right! I'm so glad you think this works!

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to be back. I really appreciate your reviews!


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Review #23, by moonbaby11Two Words: Cold

22nd November 2014:
This was amazing. For something so short, you managed to capture emotions and enthrall the reader in the work. The first sentence certainly draws people in because you want to know who is dead and how it happened and why it happened.

I think it is truly genius that you wrote this in reverse order. I liked the fact that the reader knows the outcome, and now they want to know the backstory of everything. After I finished reading this I want back and read the paragraphs in reverse order and something about it wasn't as engaging as reading it backwards, the way that you wrote it. I am not sure if that was merely because I already knew what was going to happen when I read it a second time or if it was because the format of it being written in reverse chronological order honestly made it a better story, but kudos to you for making something like this work!

You've asked me if there is anything you can do to improve on writing microfiction and, honestly, I don't think there is. This whole piece is amazing. Each paragraph can stand on it's own, as well as come together to make an amazing story, and I feel like you hit the right emotions with your words. There was never a moment where I felt as if your wordcount was limiting you - you certainly used all 500 words perfectly in portraying this moment. You have definitely utilized the format well.

I just want to finish this off by saying that the Pygmy Puff line was so evil that it was almost humorous to me - I loved it! This story was great and if you were ever considering writing microfiction again, I would say go for it!

Author's Response: Hi! I apologize for taking such a long time with this response, life randomly decided to get super busy.

I'm so happy that you thought the reverse chronology not only worked, but improved it from what it would have been normally. I really wanted it to seem like less of a gimmick and more of a device, so I'm glad that worked out in my favor.

Wow, to read that there's nothing I can do to improve this is just awesome. Thank you! I'm so excited that you liked this and the Pygmy Puff line was my favorite :P


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Review #24, by moonbaby11The Perfect Moment: Perfect

22nd November 2014:
I really enjoyed this story. Although I love Next Gen, I don't tend to read a lot of Teddy/Victoire, but I found myself really enjoying this. I thought that the events were very realistic. A fight, a make up, and a proposal all in one night is certainly something that I could imagine a couple doing, especially if they are a couple that has known each other for a long time like you portrayed Teddy and Vic.

As I was reading I noticed quite a few spelling errors (most likely just typos) and there were a couple instances where you switched from past tense to present tense. A few sentences were worded a bit strange as well, although that may just be my opinion on it. I would just recommend that you quickly look the story over and see if you can spot anything like that as it slightly disrupted my flow of reading.

Speaking of the flow, I really enjoyed what you did with the perspectives. I liked being able to see both of the character's thoughts, especially when they would contradict (like at the beginning) or when one knew something that the other did not (like at the end). I thought it was an interesting tactic and it flowed well even though the POV switched rather often throughout the story. Good job on that!

You asked me to focus on the dialogue, and I really enjoyed what you have written. As I said before, it all sounds very realistic, like I am actually viewing a snippet of the lives of a real couple. I like the way that they talk with each other and can joke with each other in a way that shows just how comfortable they are around each other. Although there was not very much dialogue, I thought that what you had was a good amount and added perfectly to the story.

Overall I think the piece might need a quick read through to fix up a few things, but I still really enjoyed the story. It was engaging and the characters were very interesting. I really liked it!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for this! I agree, there are a few typos. -shakes head- I will definitely read through and edit it when HPFF isn't being annoying.

I'm glad you liked it though and you thought it was realistic. I actually started with the bit where Teddy swears at her and proposes and worked backwards from there so I get what you mean about some sentences sounding off! hihi.

I'm glad the switch in perspectives worked for you! I kept doing it because I like knowing what he and she were thinking. They're just so very interesting, both of them so it was fun.

Anyway, yes, PAST AND PRESENT TENSE. -grumbles- I hate it when I mess it up and I am going to look back and check those as well! Thank you for the review. :glomps:

--Carla


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Review #25, by moonbaby11Cliffhanger: Cliffhanger

16th November 2014:
Wow. Those were my first thoughts after finishing this piece. Wow.

I know that you said you were worried that you would not be able to cause the readers to feel all that you wanted them to since it was only 500 words, but I can assure you that I definitely felt something after finishing this story. The first sentence definitely hits hard and set up the whole mood of the story. There were so many lines in here that were amazingly powerful. I can honestly say that I started to get a little teary-eyed during the first paragraph.

I liked the use of second person. I don't see it used very often and I don't know how often you use it either, but it fit in here really well. I think that actually may be what helps the reader connect so well with the story even if it is only 500 words long.

I noticed a typo near the beginning with the way that you spelled Prophet, but that was the only spelling error that I caught on to. Other than that, I thought that this story was very well put together, especially considering the lenth. Great job!

Author's Response: Ironically, my first thought after reading this review was, WOW.

It is so encouraging for you to say that you felt something and got a little teary-eyed during the first paragraph.

I maybe overuse second person POV, usually whenever I haven't written for a while I just write something quickly in second person POV and then writing third/first feels a little easier.

I will fix the typo, thanks for pointing that out! :D

Thanks for the review, it made me smile because I wasn't expecting such positivity towards it.

:)


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