Reading Reviews From Member: moonbaby11
276 Reviews Found

Review #1, by moonbaby11The Family Business: One: Prologue - Disappearing

5th November 2015:
Hello! I am finally getting around to reviewing the entries in the Up for Grabs Challenge, so here I am! I have to admit, I've been wanting to read this story for a while as I was drawn in by what you've been posting about it, but I've had to hold off because it was written for this challenge. That being said, this was certainly worth the wait!

There's something so mysterious and vague about this chapter, and I love it! I know it's a prologue so it's meant to be short, but I like the way that it leaves a lot up to the reader's imagination. I have no idea where this story is going, really, and I enjoy that. It makes me want to keep reading which, unfortunately, I cannot do as the next chapter has yet to be posted.

Seb and Claire seemed like such interesting characters and it's sad to see them gone. I'm assuming Laura, their daughter, is going to be our main character? It certainly seems that way, and I'm intrigued to see if she's anything like her parents. This is an action/adventure so I'm going to assume so, but you've certainly left a lot up in the air that will draw readers in.

Your banner was a great choice. It's almost haunting and I like that. It gives off the feeling of a supernatural type vibe, something dark and mysterious, which seems to be the way this story is heading. I think it was a good pick and I like that it was an inspiration, rather than an afterthought!

I can't wait to see what you do with this project! I'm already very intrigued, and I hope to return at some point. Thank you for entering my challenge and giving me the opportunity to read such a great piece! :)

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Review #2, by moonbaby11Delicate Delacour: Fragile

5th November 2015:
Hello! I am finally getting around to reviewing the entries in the Up for Grabs Challenge, so here I am!

I think this is a lovely one-shot. When I was younger and first read the books I didn't have a whole lot of love or respect for Victoire. I thought of her as a silly, vain, shallow girl, but over the years I've really come to admire her. I think you capture that contrast wonderfully. Her peers at school hated her for her beauty, dismissed her because of it, but she's really much more than that. I liked the underlying message that this piece seemed to have. Really, it put a smile on my face.

You use imagery really well within this story -- just thinking about the blood on Fleur's hands ran a bit of a chill up my spine. It, obviously, also helps to separate her from the delicate image she had formed of herself. I really like how you tried to pull her away from that image, not only with words but with imagery as well.

I think the banner you chose is a perfect fit for this story. It gives off an angsty sort of feel, although Fleur still remains beautiful in the images. It goes along with the contrast I've mentioned many times within the review. I like how the banner was picked for this story and it doesn't look as though it was just an afterthought!

I'm glad I had a chance to read this. Thank you for entering my challenge and good luck with all of the others you are trying to accomplish!

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Review #3, by moonbaby11Pure: Pure

5th November 2015:
Hello! I am finally getting around to reviewing the entries in the Up for Grabs Challenge, so here I am!

I have to admit, I was surprised with the way you took this story! The banner gave me the idea that this would be a Harry/Hermione based story, but then you turned around and gave me Hermione/Ginny! I've never really thought much about that pairing, but you've written it in such a way that I'm actually rather intrigued now. I like the way you've taken the idea of the banner and turned it on it's head, coming up with something completely different! I like that you seem to have picked the banner ahead of time and it wasn't simply an afterthought!

This piece was cute and fun, something that seems rather rare when reading Hogwarts Era stories. I liked that this felt almost like an AU world where Voldemort isn't an issue and Hermione and the gang can just be normal teenagers without having the stress of saving the world on their shoulders. I liked the really light hearted, almost humorous, turn that you've given to this story. It was really a pleasure to read something so fun and charming.

Overall, I really liked what you did with this piece. I felt like you really took my challenge as a challenge, choosing a banner and turning the meaning on it's head. Even the use of the phrases pure and pure evil helped to give me the feeling that I never really knew what was going to happen next in this fic, and I liked that! This was a pleasure to read -- thank you for entering my challenge!

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Review #4, by moonbaby11Out Of It: Out Of It

5th November 2015:
Hello! I am finally getting around to reviewing the entries in the Up for Grabs Challenge, so here I am!

I think this was a wonderfully creepy story! Perhaps it's because Halloween was only a few days ago, but this definitely had the feeling of an old horror movie to it. It was very vague and left a lot to the reader's imagination, but I feel that often times that helps horror stories. Sometimes what the readers imagine is even more terrifying than anything that you could straight out show or tell them. I have a few theories as to what happened in that building, all of them rather creepy, and I like the fact that it was all left up to my imagination!

That being said, I felt that this was a little short. Maybe a bit more description would aid this story. I enjoyed the eeriness, but I didn't feel like it lasted long enough. I would suggest adding more in the middle of the story -- not the end because I like the sort of ambiguous ending! -- just to make this story even better!

I like the banner that you've chosen. I think the look of Pansy and the colour and lighting scheme really give off the idea of a mystery. It certainly fits the genre that you ended up writing for, so I think it was a very good choice!

All in all, I think you have a strong mystery/horror story here! This was a great read and I want to thank you for entering my challenge :)

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Review #5, by moonbaby11Tom. : Ginny.

4th November 2015:
Hello! I am finally getting around to reviewing the entries in the Up for Grabs Challenge, so here I am!

I thought this was a wonderfully powerful one-shot. I've never given much thought to Ginny's feelings for Tom Riddle and I think what you have here is a rather original concept. It was wonderfully angsty, which isn't normally an emotion you would relate with an eleven year old, and you really showed this character's emotions in such a small word count.

You have a wonderful prose. Normally stories told in second person are somewhat jarring to me, but it wasn't until the end of this one-shot that I realized "Oh hey, this is in second person!" which is very good on your part. The pov didn't take away from the story or distract the reader in any way. In fact, I definitely think it was the best choice to tell a story like this one. You were able to draw me in with your word choice and the way you strung sentences together, and you didn't let me go until the story was over. I think you're a very strong writer overall.

The banner you chose fits in wonderfully with the story. The monochrome gives an idea of angst, obviously not a pleasant story, and you captured that very well with the idea that you came up with. All in all, I think this was a lovely piece and I'm so glad I had a chance to read it!

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Review #6, by moonbaby11The Next Great Adventure: Happenings

26th October 2015:
I just want to start this off by saying I love your vision of the afterlife. I like how this was set in a bar, not something you would typically associate with a place like heaven. I really like what you've done with that, and I think that really helps to separate this story from others of its kind. Of course, the inclusion of Dobby also helps the originality of your story as not many afterlife stories seem to include characters other than human beings. I was pleased we got to see Dobby move on and see that he is happy where he is :)

Speaking of, Dobby is one of my favourite characters so I think you'd be pleased to hear that you've done a wonderful job at writing him. His dialogue is perfect and you've included small things such as his own self doubt and his self punishing nature that really help add to the overall character. I think you've portrayed him wonderfully, as you have with all the characters, really. Your Dumbledore is very well written, which is good because I find him to be one of the hardest characters to capture. I really liked seeing the tempers of Molly and Sirius flare up when they got to arguing -- that seemed very canon to me. All of the characters were just written so realistically, and it was also lovely to see how much they all care for Harry. Even if it's been a near century since some of them have seen him they still care immensely, and I think that's a true testament to all of their characters.

This chapter seems to really be setting things in motion and I'm even more intrigued now! What are these challenges? What will happen if Harry doesn't pass them? Where are people like Tonks? Did they not pass the challenges? There are a lot of unanswered questions here, but I like how you've left it very open! It leaves a lot of room for thought and theories and I do like that in a story. Overall, I think you have the great beginning to your novel. I really don't have anything negative to say about this! Good luck with your writing and I can't wait to see where you take this story!

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Review #7, by moonbaby11The Next Great Adventure: Prologue: An Old Friend

26th October 2015:
Hey there! I'm here with your requested reviews!

You asked if this prologue was interesting enough to pull me in and I have to say yes! It's a little slow and I wouldn't say that the chapter itself is interesting, but the promise it has is interesting (does that make sense?). You've started the story with a character dying, which begs the question "where is this going? what's going to happen next?". I want to read on because I want to see where you take this story now that the main character has passed away. In that respect it certainly is interesting enough to reel me in so I don't think you really have too much to worry about here!

This also seems very believable. You don't often see stories about people passing away simply from old age so I don't have much to compare this to, but I think you've written this in a way that seems realistic. Your word choice is wonderful and really helps to paint the scene and the way that Harry is feeling in his last few hours on earth. I think the overall death was realistic, as was the way that Harry handled it. Welcoming death just seems so Harry and I liked it.

Speaking of which, your characterization seems fine. It's a little hard to judge as this chapter is short and since the characters are so old their personalities could have changed so much in the past years, but I think you capture parts of their personalities that are extremely canon. So far, characterization is nothing to worry about.

I think this was a lovely start to your novel and, as I said, I'm interested to see where you take this! I suppose I'll have to keep reading on :)

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Review #8, by moonbaby11Once Upon The Marauders: The Untold Story: Signed, Sealed and Delivered.

24th October 2015:
Hello! I am here with your requested review :)

I think what you're trying to do here is really admirable! It's a little hard to judge your canonness so far as you've only got one chapter down, but you seem to be moving on the right track. There were a lot of small moments you included here that seemed like they could have been right out of the novels. You use description wonderfully -- my favourite part was your description of Walburga -- and I think you have a very good use of prose.

As I said, it's a little hard to judge you on anything at the moment as all of these snippets were rather small. I didn't notice anything that was horrendously out of place so I think that's a good sign. I like the fact that you're tying in not only information from the books but from Pottermore as well. That really adds a whole new layer of canon to your story. Your characterizations all seem spot on at the moment. What I most want to comment on, though, are your characterizations of the characters we don't see in canon - James' parents and Peter's mum. I think you've written them wonderfully, especially because there are parts of their parents which you can see reflected in their children. James and his father both have such a playful nature and physically Peter's mum seems to be reminiscent of him. I like the way that you're sort of bringing these canon traits into a new light by implying that they are brought about from the characters parents. I really enjoyed those small details!

Just a few small things I wanted to point out:

'his voice becoming more confident as her eyes grew round is fascination' -- is should be in

'her voice suddenly anxious.' -- I feel like you should use a word such as "was" or "became" as it reads a little odd without it

'only the cackling of the fireplace could be heard' -- I believe that cackling should be crackling

'I’m here to offer young Remus here' -- the use of here so close together reads a little odd

Another thing I noticed in a few spots is that you ended dialogue with a period, then continued to say 'she said' or something along those lines. Every time you have a dialogue tag you should use a comma to end the sentence. You did this in most places but not all of them, so I just wanted to point that out so you could fix it up :)

I hope this review was helpful and/or encouraging! As I said, I think it will be easier to judge characterization once I see more, especially once the characters start interacting with each other! I hope you come back and rerequest when a new chapter is posted because this story seems like it will grow to be something very interesting. Good luck with the rest of your writing (and researching!) and I hope to see an update soon.

Author's Response: Hey!

Sorry for the super late response to your wonderful review. I know that chapter was short and not much to judge from. I am so glad you liked what I brought out in this chapter.

Thank you for pointing out the grammatical errors. I'm still struggling with the nuances of dialogue writing. I'm heading over to re-request right now!

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Review #9, by moonbaby11Valour : The Luck in the Few: Part III

24th October 2015:
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T SEE THE DEATH OF THE PREWETT TWINS COMING! I was really hoping we'd see more of them as I've always been intrigued by their characters and I wanted to see how you'd continue to write them, but I suppose this was as good a time as any to kill them off. It really shows that in war someone can be there one day and gone the next. It seems to add a feeling of urgency to this war that they are fighting and, personally, I feel like the members of the Order need that. Dorcas is right -- they're all just children.

I liked the way that you balanced this chapter. The first half was the most action packed we've had and the second half seemed to be the most deep and dialogue heavy we've had. I liked the way it all sort of wound down in the second part, only to pick back up again when Mary entered. That helps to encourage your readers to read on as you've still given them a bit of a cliffhanger.

Speaking of Mary, I'm very excited to see her back! I think she's a wonderful character and I've been missing her in this story. I'm assuming she's coming to join the Order, which I think would be great as I'm sure that means we'll be seeing a lot more of her.

I think I say this every time, but your characterizations are wonderful! Peter is great, as always, and you've given him characteristics that aren't just the cliche betrayer or 'left over Marauder'. I really liked his smirk at the end because I feel most authors wouldn't write Peter in that way, yet it still fits. Your characterization of Voldemort was also great. I've never attempted to write him as I'm too afraid that I won't do him justice but I think you have. He's the right balance of mad and heartless, if that makes sense. I could just picture those words coming from his mouth and a few of the lines even gave me shivers!

There were a few small things that I wanted to point out: “Thank Merlin,” she breathed out in relief that it was over. - this sentence reads a little weird to me so I'd suggest rewording it? Perhaps something like "she breathed out, relieved it was over" might read better. Of course, that may just be me that found it a little clunky! Another thing I noticed is that it mentioned Lily was unconcious, and then only a few lines later she was sitting up and speaking. It seemed a little sudden and I'd suggest changing that around a bit so that it feels a bit more seamless.

Overall, your story continues to be wonderful. You have great characters, an engaging plot, and always leave enough at the end that we want to keep reading on! Sorry that this took so long but please feel free to rerequest again! I truly do enjoy reading your work :)

Author's Response: I'M SORRY! That part did come up rather quickly, and I'm sorry it had to. I would love to write another story about them, but that will be saved for another time. Their deaths also really impacted the group, and showed how childish they can be.

I loved writing that ending, man. I couldn't wait to write Mary back into the story! And I can't wait for you to see what comes next with her...

I actually like Peter right now in this story, which stinks, because later we have to hate him. I feel that Peter lost a lot of his confident and comfortable ways after the murder of Lily and James, so I think it's important to show it. Voldemort is interesting. But unlike Dumbledore, I've always felt I had a good grasp on his voice, so I wasn't too nervous writing him. Thank you!

I see your confusion in that, and your version does make more sense. I will edit that! I also meant to edit the part about Lily. She should just be resting, not unconscious. I guess I edited one part and not the other. Thanks for pointing it out!

Yay! I can't wait to re-request. You'll see me soon! Thanks so much


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Review #10, by moonbaby11Valour : The Luck in the Few: Part II

24th October 2015:
Wow, this chapter was really emotionally charged! I loved it! We haven't really had a chance to see the characters stand at odds with each other yet, so it was interesting to see the relationship between Marlene and Dorcas break down a little bit. I think it's really helping add to their characters and it shows how hard war can be, even on close friends. People have to choose sides and make decisions, and these friends have made different choices, even if it's just in this one instance. I think that is a great way to show how hard war is.

This chapter had me on the edge of my seat for a lot of it. I have a feeling Charles is going to die, simply because we know he's not around when Harry is orphaned, but I'm still hoping he won't! There's so much at stake here with all of the characters - Charles, James, and Lily to be specific - that you've really brought a lot of suspense and tension to the table. I'm glad I offered to review all three chapters, otherwise I'd be sitting anxiously, waiting until you rerequested!

I think the last few moments in this chapter really helped to show the bonds between Sirius and James and the bonds between James and Lily. James is willing to sacrifice himself for his wife and Sirius is willing to go along with it because of the love he has for his friend. I think it was really nice to see that, especially after seeing the slight bit of animosity between Marlene and Dorcas. I guess it shows that war can either drive you together or drive you apart?

I just want to finish off by saying that your Dumbledore is characterized wonderfully! I know he was only in this chapter for a little bit but I still think you have a wonderful grasp on his voice! This was a great chapter overall and I'm anxious to see how it all wraps up.

Author's Response: Oh, I hated writing Dorcas and Marlene against each other. Honestly. I know it seems like I want everyone to hater each other, but I don't! They will be fine with each other again, and I think that stands to show how strong their relationship is.

I won't say anything about Charles... :) I'm glad that it actually seems suspenseful and not obvious. That's perfect!

Up until now, Sirius has basically been a really bad friend. It's time for his reconciliation. I feel that both pairs of friends are really like brothers and sisters. They truly care for each other, and just want what's best. And in that, they are going to fight and it's not going to be nice all the time. They're also going to have each other's backs when necessary (tear tear).

Wow! Thank you! I get so scared writing Dumbledore. Those are probably the most edited sections of any chapter because I never feel like I get his voice, but your validation is so helpful.

Thanks so much for all! I'll hear from you soon!


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Review #11, by moonbaby11Valour : The Luck in the Few: Part I

24th October 2015:
Hello! Apologies for taking so long with this -- I'm sure you know what it's like when real life decides it wants to barge in and suck up all your time!

Anyways, I thought this chapter was great! The length really seemed to suit it. It appears like you're really setting up something big, especially considering the fact that this section is split over three chapters. I think the length really works in this case as anything longer probably would have given away too much! Here you've given away just enough to keep the reader enthralled but not enough for me to guess what is going to happen next!

I adored the flashback scene at the beginning. I'm assuming their partoni will come into play at some point in this section which is why it was included, but it just seemed so genuine and so James/Lily. It's weird to see them at odds with each other instead of married, but I think that scene was a true testament to your understandings of these characters. You are able to write Lily when she hated James and when she loved James and both are believable. You really do have a solid grasp on all your characters (I think I've said that before but no harm in repeating myself!).

As this was short I don't really have a lot of feedback to give. I did notice one typo -- a sentence in the second to last paragraph is not capitalized properly -- but that's it! I'm hoping James' dad will be alright, but I have a feeling that may not be the case... Either way, I'm excited to see what comes next! Off to the next chapter I go.

Author's Response: No problem! I'm just glad to get this

Oh, thanks so much! I was afraid that the chapter was too short, but I'm glad you caught my intention.

I wish I had put their patronuses in this now! That beginning part just served to represent their relationship, as the next two chapters will focus on the two a bit. Also, thanks so much! I love my characters.

I will look for that typo. And James' dad will be okay...for now. Thanks again!


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Review #12, by moonbaby11Hiraeth: Hiraeth

17th October 2015:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review.

This is a wonderfully dark and emotional piece! I've never read much about Sirius' relationship with James after the latter's death so I think you have an original and wonderful idea here! Your prose is very interesting and you've strung together some really powerful sentences here.

That being said, I did find this one-shot a little confusing. I think you have a great idea and some great lines, but I don't know if it's been executed as well as it possibly could be. For starters, the difference between Sirius and James' dialogue was rather confusing to me. I think you might want to go through and add quotation marks, or perhaps use italics to show which one of them is talking and where. I think the 'you may ask' and 'I may reply' parts would really benefit if you used quotation marks for clarity!

I found the beginning a little confusing as well, and I must admit that I reread about half of the story just to make sure that I truly understood what was going on. On the second read through it was a lot easier to understand and much more powerful, so you may want to look into how you can make it understandable from the get go? I hope that makes sense. There were also a couple, minor errors of missing commas, but you should be able to spot those if you just read this over!

All in all, I think you have a great idea here. With some fine tuning, I think this one-shot could really be something amazing. You have a lot of potential here and you really do have a lot of skills when it comes to prose. I hope this review was helpful and I wish you good luck with your writing! :)

Author's Response: I actually did struggle a lot with trying to make this comprehensive. I edited this a couple of times, but I think it still needs more tuning, like you've said.

I did make the conversations italic. It was only validated last night, so you'd have missed that. I'm hoping that it would be clearer now. I'll get a couple more reviews to see if this version is better and if not, I'll get this beta'd. I think I'm going to need one anyway.

I do have a problem with emotional pieces. My thoughts seem to just flow, and I have a pretty weird mind, so it's not decipherable by others.

Thank you so much for pointing that out though. It was one of my main concerns with regards to this piece and you've helped me a lot!

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :hug:

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Review #13, by moonbaby11Damage Control: The Devil is in the Detail

11th October 2015:
And here I am with your second review!

I just continue to love Hero more and more. I think you're doing a lovely job with her characterization. Often times workaholics are painted in a negative light, but you're giving her many admirable traits. She's such an interesting character and I loved the little insights into her back story that we got in this chapter!

Speaking of your characters, Lily Luna is just as wonderful! She seems like a character with many layers to her and I'm curious to see how she pans out. Is she actually extremely manipulative or do we just think that because we're seeing things through Hero's eyes? So far she seems to be the only one who notices Lily's "Machiavellian" traits so I'm curious to know if others will notice soon as well.

You asked if your character and plot are interesting enough, and I'd say yes! I don't know if this story is for everyone, but I love the idea of a political satire so it's definitely for me! Your story seems really engaging at this point. You've painted some wonderful characters so far and I'm sure that they will only continue to grow and I will only become more interested as you continue with this novel. I think you have a good basis here, something that you can write about without things getting boring or repetitive, if that makes any sense? There seems to be a lot of room within your plot for exciting things to happen!

This chapter wasn't as funny as the previous one, but I did find myself smiling at many points. Hero has a wonderfully interesting voice and this story truly does benefit from it's first person pov. You made a great choice in that regard.

I would love to see a third chapter of this story! As I've said, I think you really do have something good here. The plot is original, the characters are engaging, and your writing is perfectly spot on. I hope you'll update this story soon and, if you do, please feel free to pop by my review thread once more! I hope my comments have helped in some way or another :)

Author's Response: Yay!! My approach to writing Hero was basically Jane Austen's thoughts on Emma which was that 'I am going to take a heroine whom no one but myself will much like' so I can't tell you how much it means to me that your love for Hero is growing. Hero has her quirks but she means well.

Ooh, interesting observation. You make an excellent point, Hero's perception of Lily Luna could just be skewed. It will be less ambiguous as the story progresses. The thing about Machiavellians is that they fly under the radar that it's hard to catch on to them. This is definitely going to be an issue for Hero to address.

You're awesome for saying all this, thank you so much! I really appreciate these words of encouragement. Don't worry, you're making complete sense. I will do my best to meet your expectations. There is a lot of room for a lot to happen, so much so that it might become a problem as I have a few ideas of where to take this, it's difficult to settle on just the one. Hopefully the unpredictability will serve this story well and keep readers on their toes.

I can see where you're coming from but it made you smile so that's still something. I guess I was focused more on introducing Lily Luna but I'll do my best to better incorporate humor in future chapters. Hero will have plenty to say the more she interacts with Lily Luna and other characters you'll meet in the coming chapters.

Chapter three is in the queue (woohoo!) so it's on the way and I've already started on chapter four. I'm trying to keep the momentum going. Thank you for the offer, I will definitely bug you for more of these wonderful reviews hehe.

You have been helpful and very encouraging which I really appreciate. Thank you so much!


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Review #14, by moonbaby11Damage Control: Choices, choices

11th October 2015:
Hey there! I'm here with your (extremely delayed, unfortunately) requested review!

You've mentioned that laugh out loud comedy isn't your strong suit and I liked the fact that this wasn't a full on farce or anything like that. The comedy was subtle and sometimes (such as in the case of this story) I find that it works better that way! I found myself grinning the whole time that I was reading this chapter, which I think is a true testament to your skills at subtle comedy. The way that you have characterized each of the Weasley children is very creative, and the way you managed to slip in their backstories was great (and hilarious!).

The characters are already engaging. I love the sort of inner monologues that Hero has going on and the way that she almost addresses the reader in some places. I think that really helps to suck people into your story and I think it's a great tactic! You use it really well. I've never seen a story on the archives about a woman aspiring to be Minister so I think what you're creating here is an original story and an original character (also, I love the name! The alliteration is so great!).

I always find it hard to judge first chapters as they're merely an introduction so this review will be brief. I'm excited to see more about this "Machiavellian" Lily Potter that the summary is promising me. I'm sure her and Hero will butt heads and it will only help to create lots of drama! I'm really excited to see where this is going and I think you've got a great start here!

Author's Response: Hiya! No worries, sorry for my delayed response!

Here, I tiptoed around farce and satire but more than anything, this is meant as a fun read so it's great that this made you smile. So happy to hear the humor works for this story! I was unsure since humor is so subjective but I went with what felt organic. The Weasley children are always fun to characterise since they're basically blank canvases.

Hero breaking the fourth wall was different for me to write yet strangely made sense. She seems like the type to expect an audience with which to regal this story of hers. Thank you for finding it effective! Me too, I've only ever read one about a former female Minister. It's an untapped part of fanfiction that should be better showcased. (Hehe, thanks! The alliteration was quite accidental but it suited her)

Oof, Lily Potter will probably be my biggest challenge with this story. The characterisation of her and her brothers is something I really want and hope to nail. Let's just say there will be a clash of personalities between the two that won't be easily settled. They are a pair of drama mamas.

Thank you for the review!

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Review #15, by moonbaby11Inside Death: 01: Whispers in June

9th October 2015:
Ugh. I just wrote out a full review and then lost it so I'm really sorry if this is a little all over the place, I'm just trying to remember what it is that I wrote. I hope you understand ://

So, Illyana is a really interesting character! I like that she fits really well into a grey area - she doesn't fully agree with nor does she fully oppose what her father stands for. I think that makes for a really interesting character and I'm excited to see her development! I also like that you didn't try and make her a carbon copy of her mother or anything like that, instead giving her her own personality and her own feelings in terms of her lineage.

We don't really know a whole lot about Daphne, Millicent, and Pansy in canon, but I think you captured them wonderfully! Especially in terms of Pansy and her dialogue. I could visually picture Pansy standing on a chair, screeching out into the common room, using the fact that she was a Prefect to try and get ahead. I think you've written them all wonderfully and now I can't wait to see what you do with more canon characters that I'm sure will inevitably be introduced in the future as you seem to have a great grasp on canon!

I was a little surprised to see that this story started in HBP instead of DH, but I really like the route you're taking. I've never thought much about how Dumbledore's death would effect the Slytherins so it's really interesting to see in their minds. They stand in such contrast with the Golden Trio that it almost feels as though I'm reading about a completely different event, if that makes sense. I also liked the way that you wrote Dumbledore's funeral. I was initially surprised that I didn't feel as much sadness for him as I do while reading HBP, but I think it's a true testament to how you write these characters. Illyana is fully of apathy, really, in comparison to Harry. Dumbledore's death doesn't hit her as hard as it does him, therefore this wasn't as emotionally charged. And I like that. Once again, the contrast is lovely!

I really hope I covered everything in this review that I did in the last but, really, I can't make any promises :/ I think I will just leave you with these two reviews as it seems fair! You really did reel me in in merely two chapters, though, so I may just return in the future! You have the start to a really good novel on your hands. Good luck!

Author's Response: Awww oh no :( I'm sorry, that's the worst. I've done that for reviews, exams, and RL work assignments so I understand!

I'm glad you think Illyana is interesting, I worry about her. And all her greyness. Poor child is so lost and confused...Yup all the Slytherins will make a showing and be hard to ignore. I consider this my Slytherin Deathly Hallows and technically DH started with the aftermath of Dumbledore's death, so does this one just a few days earlier :) Which will make more sense as time goes on. Yes re: the funeral! That was my point entirely. I know other readers felt that it was an odd scene to write/show, but what you felt is what I was going for. Showing the contrast and lack of feelings for a stranger :)

Thanks again, hope to see your return and that you continue to enjoy if you read along!


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Review #16, by moonbaby11Inside Death: Prologue: June 1980

9th October 2015:
Hey there! RL has been slowly sucking up all of my time, which is why I took so long to get to this review. I hope you understand!

I just want to start off by saying that I adore Julienne. I know she's not the main character in this story, but she's so intriguing to me that I can't help but be drawn in by her. I love the idea of purebloods opposing their families (I suppose there's a reason Sirius Black is my favourite character) and I think you've written her struggle so wonderfully. You've done a great job writing from the point of view of a mother, getting inside the head of someone who must care for a child so young they can't care for themselves. I'm not a mother, but this chapter really helped me to realize what mother's go through.

I really love this idea of sacrifice that you're playing with -- Julienne wants to get out, but she won't. She will sacrifice her own happiness so that Illyana (which is a beautiful name, might I add) may one day escape the world of purebloods that Julienne despises so much. It was a really touching moment, actually, which is one of the reasons I'm really loving this character already.

There were a few minor errors, some of which I think were pointed out by previous reviewers, but there was one that I think they missed: Julienne wished that her sining and the bouncing would make her child feel calmer. You're missing the 'g' in singing. On top of that, I do think that some of your sentences could use a bit of work. There's a lot of moments where you start a new sentence and I think it would be better for you to just use a comma or possibly even a semi-colon. Some of the sentences are a little jarring, if that makes sense, so I'd just suggest giving this chapter a quick look over?

Overall, I love what you seem to be setting up with this prologue. I'm intrigued by the characters, the family, and what I'm thinking will be the plot. I suppose I won't really know until I read the official first chapter, but I think this was a good set up regardless! You've sucked me in and now I just want to read more. Which I will go and do now!

Author's Response: Hey no worries, I'm happy you got some free time in general, and you hope you have more time to decompress soon :)

Everyone loves Julienne, possibly ore than Illyana hahaha. I love the idea of free thought and not sticking to the pureblood hate doctrine too. LURVE SIRIUS. Too bad he's not remotely in this story ahah. I'm not a mother either, so I'm glad you felt that I captured the emotions of new maternity well. If you have any interest prequels for this that center on Julienne include: Living for the Night and Heartstrings.

Thanks for pointing out that error, and for the writing CC! I will look it over and see what sticks out. I try to read things out loud, so that will probably help catch a few of the sentences you are referring to!

xx Ellie

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Review #17, by moonbaby11Valour : The Miscommunication in the Many

12th September 2015:
Hey! Here I am with your second review :)

I really liked the format of this chapter. At first I was worried that it may come off as too rushed like the previous chapter, but I think the way that you split everything up between days really helped to keep the flow of the story. I liked seeing what all of the groups were up to and I'm glad we're finally seeing more of the Longbottoms and Prewetts! I'd been hoping they would show up soon!

I know I keep going back to your characterization of Peter but I really do adore him. Actually, on that note, I think all of your characterizations are pretty spot on. The canon characters are recognizable but they don't stray into the territory of caricature, which I think is one of the biggest problems with most Marauders Era stories. All of the ladies, which are basically OCs personality wise, are also strong characters with clear traits about them. I think you've done a good job of creating separate characters that interact well with each other.

I'm intrigued by what seems to be a looming danger for the next chapter of the story. What will happen at Potter Manor? Will Remus and Marlene figure out what Sirius' patronus really means? I think you've set up the next set of chapters really well. You continue to reel me in with things like this and I think you've written a story that will easily cause people to want to continue reading it.

As you can see, I think you're doing a wonderful job. Feel free to drop by my thread again (next time I'll do three chapters as they seem to be connected)!

Author's Response: This chapters layout is all about the suspense and build=up. Sorry! And yes, the other families will become more and more important as the novel progresses.

thank you so much. That means the world to me. I always try and think like my characters when I'm writing. Their motivations, their gestures, all things like that.

I'm so glad you're excited for the next installment! And yes, there are three parts to this little section so I would love for you to read all three at once.

Thanks for everything!


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Review #18, by moonbaby11Valour : The Alarm in the Actuality

12th September 2015:
Hey there! Sorry for the delay, but I'm finally here with your requested review! :)

I love reading scenes about Christmas as they always seem to be happy and sentimental, but this chapter took a completely different turn. I actually like what you did here -- it was interesting to see something so terrible happen to Marlene on what's supposed to be the happiest day of the year. I think the timing worked really well.

The Dorcas/Sirius/Marlene/Remus love triangle (square?) continues in this chapter and, although I'm not normally one for love triangles, I think you're executing it very well. I'm intrigued to see how these four will end up together, if they even end up together at all, and you keep your readers in suspense in that sort of way.

I liked your use of Peter in this chapter. I'm assuming it's intentional that he was the one to order the spiked butterbeer. I'm not sure if that's just a coincidence or if it's an inkling of what's to come with his character, but I liked that it was included regardless. I really like what you've been doing with him overall -- his portrayal seems to be spot on and you're not just treating him like a tag along. He's actually important to the Order and is even going undercover and I really love that.

One thing I do have to say about this chapter (and it was mentioned by someone before me I've noticed) is that it felt a little rushed. There were a few moments where I was almost confused as to what was happening because it all seemed to go so fast. I'd suggest extending this chapter so that it reads a little better. That's my only real criticism, though. The rest of this was great. Your story continues to be strong and compelling and I think you're doing a great job!

Author's Response: I felt terrible writing this chapter! It was so sad, especially because they weren't expecting it at all.

The lovey-doveyness of all that is going to dissipate a little bit and you'll see what's rooted behind it, at least with Marlene and Sirius.

Peter was intentionally the one with the spiked beer. This was one way to basically kill all his friends off without having to do anything. Peter is so sad, and you'll see more about that later. And thanks for the comments on his characterization!

Okay, I'm not writing anymore until this chapter is edited! I know exactly what you mean. I have to make this chapter something I'm proud of!

Thanks again for your reviews. I'm going to the next one right now.


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Review #19, by moonbaby11Rabbit Heart: 6. Big as Hearts

7th September 2015:
Hi! I'm here with a (rather delayed and I apologize) requested review!

You continue to keep things mysterious while not being too vague and I like it -- you strike a really nice balance and I think that's important for the reader. I feel like my mind is just filling with more and more questions and none of them have been answered yet but I almost don't mind. The whole mysterious air of Dillon, the rabbits, and now Smeed continue to draw me into this story and keep me involved. I think you're doing really well with keeping the plot interesting but also a secret. Like I said before, it's a good balance.

I like the way that, although your story is about teenagers and features some romance, the whole plot isn't based around Wren/Albus. I like how you've told us that they're both interested in each other because I feel like that takes even more of the focus off of potential romance and places it on the plot (and the rabbits!) instead. I, myself, am guilty of basing plots only around romance so I adore what you're doing here.

These rabbits are seriously freaky -- they can evade stunning spells and they seem to tether themselves onto their owner's emotions (and Dillon seems to be tethered to them as well?). I really feel for Wren and her worries that she's losing her mind. I like that you've tied that into the backstory of her grandparents because I think that makes her worries that much more powerful, you know?

I was really pleased to see some of Augusta come out in this chapter again. I think her situation is truly heartbreaking, even moreso now that we know she understands exactly what's happening to her. This chapter had a lot of heartbreaking moments and I think you executed them wonderfully.

I'm excited that everyone's back at Hogwarts now because that means new locations to explore and new characters and relationships to discover! I'm sure you won't disappoint.

I sincerely hope this review was, in some way, helpful. I don't even know if this was constructive at all or if it was just me squeeing over this story? Anyways, always feel free to drop by again for more reviews!

Author's Response:


I'm glad you feel that way about the mystery. I do have a problem with clarity at times. Sometimes I write TOO vague, so it's nice to hear that things seem balanced so far.

I wasn't sure how this would play out if I let the romance just "be" in the story. But now that it's done, I think it turned out okay. I wanted the focus on the plot directly, so it's nice that you think that plays well. Thanks!

Wren's worries had to be tied into things that we can believe, or else it would just look like she's having a neurotic breakdown over nothing, which isn't what I was going for. I needed to make it real and personal and also plausible for her to possibly have a real issue that masks what the rabbits are doing. Yeah, they are kind of freaky, aren't they? :P

Augusta is a very strong woman. She'd be aware of things until it just isn't possible any longer. I wanted to show that she still had her inner strength, even though her circumstances were against her.

Thanks so much for giving me your thoughts. Your comments let me know that the things I wanted to come through got noticed. I really appreciate your review!


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Review #20, by moonbaby11Year Five: Cleaner, More Brilliant

6th September 2015:


I guess I was right about Isobel finally accepting herself. She's eating without too much worry about what's going into her body and that makes me feel a sense of relief for her. She's finally going to become healthy and that's exactly what she needs. Laurel being there to comfort and encourage her through all of it made me smile and realize how far these characters have come -- Isobel was encouraging Laurel before and now the roles are reversed. I think it's a true testament to how strong these friendships are.

AND HELLO TONKS. I was hoping she'd make another appearance at some point and I wasn't disappointed! (Also bonus points for the Charlie/Tonks reference because, no lie, that's one of my favourite ships).

Isobel and Laurel's reaction to animated movies is just pure gold. I mean, I kind of have the same feelings because to me animated movies will always be sort of magical, but I love how difficult it was for them to grasp that muggles can do that with simple, muggle technology. That part honestly made me laugh out loud.

YES! EMILY AND TRISTAN! FINALLY! You know, I'm happy that they're still taking things slow. After everything they've been through (together and separately) I think it would be too difficult on them to go faster in their relationship. Plus, the image of the two of them just lying in bed, sharing innocent kisses, is too cute for me to pass up!

I think this chapter effectively wrapped everything up that wasn't finalized in the previous chapter. All the characters relationships and struggles have seemed to reach an end and tie together wonderfully. The ending put a smile on my face and I feel like it was a beautiful way to finish this novel -- that last line was lovely.

Overall, this novel was like a work of art or something. You perfectly portrayed the struggle of being a teenager while managing to mix magic and the canon of the HP books into it all. I think this story is definitely a must-read and I'm glad I finally sat down to give it a go. I don't regret it at all, but I do know that I'm going to miss Tristan, Emily, Isobel, and Laurel! It feels so weird that their story is actually over??? Maybe I'll have to make up for the absence of this story in my life by reading more of your work? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

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Review #21, by moonbaby11Year Five: After

6th September 2015:


I'm a little upset I didn't catch onto the fact that Bryce was a surname from the novels and I'm even more upset that I didn't get who Frank actually was until I read your End Notes. (Of course it's been quite a few years since I've read the books so I suppose I can be forgiven slightly? Perhaps?). Anyways, that connection was just plain brilliant. You utilized canon to your advantage in every possible way and I adored the way that everything really seems to come full circle. It really just blows me away.

Dumbledore here is, once again, brilliant, and I loved hearing McGonagall tell him off because she's not wrong... He does play a rather Machiavellian role in Harry's life, especially come OOTP and HBP. I think that was something somebody finally needed to say to the Professor.

I'm so pleased that Isobel is finally coming to terms with her sexuality and is ready to actually look deeper into her own feelings! It put a smile on my face because I'm hoping now she'll truly accept herself, flaws and all. I'm really glad that a lot of the characters seem to be getting happy endings? They all made it through their OWLs, Tristan is alive, they've reunited, and Isobel seems ready to finally accept herself. And FINALLY Tristan seems ready to put his past behind him and love the family that loves him without worrying about the family he had for the first six years of his life. I'm so proud of him for being the bigger man and announcing that Rabastan was not his father. He's really grown so much from the beginning of the novel.

I'm pumped for this epilogue! Time to see how things turn out for all the characters! Hope everything goes well :)

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Review #22, by moonbaby11Year Five: O.W.L.s

6th September 2015:
NO NO NO WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS! I mean, I'm relieved that Tristan is still alive and breathing, but this hurts me in so many ways. How is this all going to be resolved in two chapters? You must be some kind of wizard.

I think you captured the stress of OWLs really well. All of those scenes, including the breakdowns of various characters, reminded me a lot of Harry's own experience with his OWLs. It all just seemed so beautifully canon and I loved it. (Remember when I said you may very well be JKR? I still agree with that assessment).

I liked how you tied a practical exam into the Muggle Studies OWL because it just seemed so ridiculous? I suppose it's because I am a muggle and I'm accustomed to these things, but it just seems like such an easy mark for anyone who has any sort of muggle lineage. Everyone asides from purebloods should be able to identify a match, I'd think. I guess ti just further enforces Tristan's thoughts on how disconnected the wizarding and muggle worlds are and how little wizards think of their muggle counterparts.

Emily writing a note to Mary explaining everything better than the school could was almost beautiful, in a way. She knows that Tristan's mum will understand right away and she knows that Mary needs to be aware of what really happened. I'm a little upset that Sprout or someone didn't come forward and suggest that it wasn't an accident. I feel like Tristan definitely needs somebody by his side and someone willing to discuss his issues with him instead of just dismissing them as an accident and hoping for the best.


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Review #23, by moonbaby11Year Five: The Presence of Love

6th September 2015:

This chapter had a lot of pov jumping, but you made it all flow so well that I'm honestly jealous of your writing skills? You never seem to make any changes too jarring and everything seems to fit together so perfectly.

That letter Emily sent to Tristan at the beginning was truly heart breaking and I hope that the two of them can sit down and have a serious talk about their feelings and all that stuff because I feel like it would only do them well. They need to discuss everything that happened with Laurel and decide where they stand. Honestly, I just want to see them repair their friendship! I feel like that's the first step.

I'm so glad this piece of Emily's past came to light, especially when she was comforting Isobel and letting her know that it wasn't her fault. I had an inkling that something like this was what she was referring to a few chapters back when she thought about what had occurred in the shack but I, obviously, couldn't be sure until I read this. I feel like it adds a whole different side to Emily's personality and explains why she's prone to being with so many different guys. It's also interesting to see that the Hufflepuff and the most cheerful of the group has as much emotional baggage as the rest of them.

Your Dumbledore is brilliant, once again! I loved how his password was a muggle sweet as opposed to a magical one -- that just seems so Dumbledore. His voice was spot on and even the punishment he gave Emily seemed so compltely in character that sometimes I question if you really are JKR. I find that Dumbledore is really hit and miss in most fanfics -- either you get him perfectly or you don't and there's no in between -- and you've definitely got a hit here with the way you characterize him! It's almost magical.

This was another completely brilliant chapter overall and I can't believe it's almost done. What?

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Review #24, by moonbaby11Year Five: The Question

6th September 2015:
AH YES I'D BEEN HOPING FOR THE TWINS TO PLAY A BIGGER ROLE IN THE STORY AGAIN. It felt like it'd been a long time since they'd really been involved so I was extremely pleased that they returned for this chapter, especially because they were there to comfort Isobel! I think you write them brilliantly and I always find myself chuckling at their dialogue (also I'm so glad the ear comment was intentional because I was going to mention it in my review if it wasn't!)

Okay, was there something hinted at earlier about the possibility of Isobel having deeper feelings for Emily? Because I swear that thought has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while now. Either that or I'm just very perceptive? Regardless, I'm really interested to see where that goes. This group is quickly becoming a mess of feelings and whatever Tristan/Laurel is (physical connections?) and I can't wait to see how it all gets resolved in the next four (that doesn't feel like enough time!!) chapters.

I'm so relieved that Sprout has caught on to Isobel's eating disorder because I was beginning to worry that no one had noticed! Of course, she still hasn't intervened or said anything which is most definitely a problem, but it is nice to know that she's there for all of the students, regardless of house or personal issue. It put a smile on my face that she was willing to listen to Isobel, even if what she ended up telling Sprout wasn't what Sprout was expecting.

HAGRID YAS I KNEW HE'D HAVE TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE AT SOME POINT. Tying the dragon egg into it made the scene even better. I love the fatherly way you portrayed Hagrid as that's always how I pictured him and it's reassuring to know that he's just generally like that and doesn't only reserve that gentleness for the Golden Trio. I think you wrote him very well also, especially in terms of his accent/dialect. I could perfectly hear Robbie Coltrane's voice in my head which I think is a true testament to how in character his words were.


Author's Response: I'm SO GLAD you like the twins! Like, SERIOUSLY (Siriusly). They're also pretty intimidating to write because they're just SO GREAT. I'm really, really glad you think I've done them justice.

It's so odd because some people figure out about Isobel's sexuality just as soon as they read her first chapter, while others are taken really by surprise when she eventually confronts her sexuality in the second-to-last chapter. So I'm really glad that it's more like a niggling thought for you, because that's how I'd hoped it would play (yet am VERY impressed when people call it immediately). I think her crush on Emily is just that: a crush. Emily's the sort of character that I think everyone is a little in love with (even Laurel, who's super straight, is slightly in love with her). So like, Isobel's feelings for Emily aren't that big of a deal, outside of the fact that Isobel is having feelings for a girl. Like, that's what really matters to her.

I think with Tristan/Laurel, it's that once they hooked up once, they realized that they COULD. For them, it's kind of a desire for comfort/escape. And, you know, hormones.

I've been attending a weekly Eating Disorder support group with my friend who's recovering, and it's sort of reinforced something I got at here: it takes a LONG time before anyone steps up and says/does something. Like, parents/family are usually quickest to respond if their child has an ED, but in boarding school, it could go unchecked for a LONG time. And that problem with boarding school is something I wanted to address here. Like, Harry had a great time with it, but for a lot of people, it might be kind of dangerous to be disconnected from parents for so many months on end. Even though not everyone's parents are great in this story, I think they would all be a bit better off if they weren't cut off, you know?

HAGRID IS ANOTHER TOUGH CHARACTER. Yay so glad you thought he was accurate! I liked the idea that he would be the staff member Isobel felt comfortable with after everything, and thought that yeah, he would be a nice and kind of fatherly support figure.



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Review #25, by moonbaby11Here With You: Here With You

5th September 2015:
YES YES YES! I LOVE FINN. I know I said that on your original story about these two cuties, but this one just solidified it for me! I never would've expected that Finn had a crush on Hugo that whole time and he'd just been waiting for something to happen and I love how embarrassed he got once the situation was mentioned! This story just made me love him more and, honestly, I could read even more stories about these two because I love them so much!

Now, onto the relationship between Hugo and Emma. I thought it was a really realistic portrayal of friendship, mostly because I had a friend sort of like Hugo in my life in highschool! We'd dated in my freshman year and ended up breaking up for pretty much mutual reasons, but we remained in each other's lives and I would have considered him to be one of my best friends in the years after our relationship ended! I like to see your portrayal showing that exes can remain friends because, so often, they seem to only be shown as enemies or as a possibly reconnecting couple.

This was just so fluffy and cute and left such a good feeling in my stomach once I had finished. I liked seeing the progression from anger to happiness inside Hugo as he moved from Dylan to Finn, and it's even better to know that they remain together for some years to come! I just have a lot of feelings about this ship, honestly, and this piece was just so great! I'd love to see some more Finn some time soon! :D

Author's Response: I'm so glad you love Finn! I love him, too. He's so awkward around Hugo that he would never have been able to make the first move, and tell Hugo that he liked him.
Hugo and Emma's relationship is really heavily influenced by my own life, so I love writing that, and I'm glad you enjoyed it and thought it was realistic. I think it's important to show all kinds of friendships and relationships in writing, so I wanted to do something that wasn't written about as much. (At least not in stories that I've read.)
I'm glad you liked the ending. I could resist so cute fluffy happiness to finish up this story. I'd definitely like to write Hugo and Finn again sometime, so hopefully that will happen soon!
Thank you for the review!
Cassie :)

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