Reading Reviews From Member: moonbaby11
  
211 Reviews Found

Review #1, by moonbaby11Traces: prologue.

9th January 2015:
AHHH YES THIS LOOKS AMAZING ALREADY I AM SO EXCITED!!

I have to admit that I haven't seen HTGAWM (I should probably get on that) so I can't really say much about how this relates to the tv show, but I can say that I'm already loving this! All the characters seem so interesting, even if we don't know a whole lot about them. Like, I just can't wait to find out even more about all of them! Rose is really intriguing to me right now, since she's the one that seems the most concerned about the crime they have just committed and I'm excited to see how she deals with what has just happened to all of them. Honestly, though, I can't wait to delve into the back stories of all these characters. I'm also (obviously) very pumped for the Hugo/Scorpius that you mentioned would be coming up!

I almost want to go and watch HTGAWM right now so that I'll get any parallels and have some sort of idea as to what's coming next, but I also kinda want to read this without any knowledge so that I'm surprised with that happens, ya know? Either way, I'm definitely going to be following this story! Can't wait for the next chapter!!

Author's Response: I'M GLAD YOU'RE EXCITED AND THANK YOU FOR THE HUGO/SCORPIUS SHIP SUGGESTION

My first thought is always YES GO WATCH HTGAWM RIGHT NOW YOU WON'T REGRET IT but also if you haven't seen it i can SHOCK YOU WITH PLOT TWISTS. then again the show does those plot twists so much better and i don't want to deprive you of the full HTGAWM experience so it's a difficult balance to strike but EITHER WAY I HOPE YOU KEEP ENJOYING THIS STORY

Thanks so much for the review!


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Review #2, by moonbaby11Losing You: Losing You

6th January 2015:
Here I am with your (insanely late, I apologize) review!

First of all, I absolutely loved this story. You said that you weren't sure if it kicked people in the feels or not, and I can tell you that it certainly kicked me in the feels multiple times. There were probably two or three instances where my eyes were welling up with tears, so I honestly don't think that you need to be worried about whether or not you're making your readers feel what you want them too. I think you have a very emotionally charged story here and I doubt anyone could get through it with dry eyes.

I've never really considered just how lonely Remus would be feeling in those months after the death of Sirius as Harry's feelings are the only ones that are really touched upon in the books (I believe? It's been a while since I've read OOTP or HBP). This is just a reminder of how much Remus has lost and it makes me feel sympathetic for him in a way that I've never really thought about before. This absolutely broke my heart and I doubt I'll ever look at the death of Sirius in the same way again.

Your writing is amazing. There are so many lines that I absolutely adore, but I think my favourite would have to be "This time youíre not just locked away, but an entire plain of existence away from me." I feel like this was a really powerful sentence and it hit perfectly. I also loved the use of the quote. It seemed to be placed perfectly, and the sentences that you wrote after it tied in so well that I was shocked to come to the end and realize that it was from Dr. Seuss and those words hadn't come directly from you.

I don't think you have any problems with flow. This story is very much inside Remus' head and I generally don't have issues with flow when it's something like this - much more character and emotionally driven than plot driven - so I wouldn't worry about that.

Overall, I loved this story. I felt like you really told something real here and it did hit me right in the feels. Great job!

Author's Response: Hey,

Thanks so much for reviewing. Don't worry about it being a bit late. I always leave mine far too long before getting to them. It's nice to hear that you found the flow and everything worked. I was really trying to convey all the emotional baggage that Remus would be carrying around at the loss of his only living best friend.

Thanks so much for reviewing for me. You're fantastic!

xx-Wolfgirl17


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Review #3, by moonbaby11L'optimisme: Wales

20th December 2014:
This is another beautifully written chapter. You have an amazing way with words. You know how to string them together to not only tell the story really well, but also in a way that almost seems poetic, if you know what I mean. I love your word choice and the way you form your sentences just... everything about the way that you write is amazing and I wish that some of your talent would rub off on me.

I was slightly confused by the chance of POV at first, but once I caught a few key things (like the mention of Germany being his home) I completely understood what was happening. I don't know if I'd suggest putting some sort of indication near the beginning that the POV is switching because it might throw off the story, but I think it is something that you should consider.

By the time I had finished reading the chapter, however, and looked back at the first one, it was clear that the two voices are very different from each other. It doesn't just sound as if you're switching out names, but it honestly feels as if the two chapters were written by two different people. There is a clear distinction, and I love it.

I absolutely adored the description of the kiss - I think that was my favourite moment from this chapter. You painted a very vivid picture, and all of the words just seemed to come together in a beautiful way. I know I've said it before, but I'm blown away by your writing and the style that this piece has.

Overall, I don't have anything negative to say about this. I want to apologize again for taking so long, and wish you good luck with the rest of this story!

Author's Response: Hey there again - thank you so much for coming back! :)

Thank you so much! :) That is amazingly lovely to hear from you; I'm really at a loss of how to respond properly to that without just repeating 'thank you' over and over again. If it helps, I spend ages writing these chapters - I'm so slow! If I can't think of the right way to phrase things... it's so annoying :P

Mm... yeah, I wasn't sure it was going to be clear (and, tbh, knowing the characters and full backstories and all, it's difficult for me to tell, because I know from the beginning, you know?), so I'll definitely think about making it a bit clearer, maybe some more differing details at the top of the chapter or something? Thanks for mentioning it, though! :)

I'm so happy that there is a distinction, though, because having never written first person or a pov switch before, I really wanted to make sure it seemed different, so thank you! :)

Ah, thank you - it's odd, you know, because I hate writing kiss scenes. They're so hard - too much description and it's weird, too little and it's weird... but at the same time, you want enough that it seems real. So irritating... but that just makes me all the more amazed that people like that moment, so thank you so much! :)

Thank you so so much for the lovely pair of reviews - they were so great to get! :)

Aph xx


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Review #4, by moonbaby11L'optimisme: Silence

19th December 2014:
I am (finally) here with your review! I sincerely apologize for how long that it took me to get to this.

I really love the style that you have used for the piece. It comes off as very reminiscent, and it almost feels as if I'm in a dream the way that Albus floats between ideas. I think it works really well and it definitely helped to capture my attention. You have good use of words and phrasing and there were moments where I almost felt as if I was in Dumbledore's penseive, looking back at all of his memories.

You asked about characterization and I think what you have so far is good. There is nothing that stood out to me as being out of character, and I think that the way that you are writing Albus is very true to his personality. It's sometimes strange to think about people that we've only known as adults as young people, but I think you do a really good transition and I can see quite a few personality traits from the Dumbledore we know from the original series in the character that you are writing here in the story.

I think your use of first person works really well. I don't think that using third person would have been as effective, especially with the style that you have chosen, so I definitely think that you made the right choice there.

This chapter was a little slow, but I don't think it's really a problem, especially since you're going for a whole 'reminiscent' thing. I assume that the rest of the novel is written in the same, slow manner, which I think is good. As long as you remain consistent with your pacing then I don't think it will be a problem.

Overall I loved this first chapter and I regret the fact that I took so long to read it! Keep up the great writing!

Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks so much for stopping by - and don't worry about the timing, I completely get that sometimes RL just sucks you in and doesn't let you go! :)

Thank you! I'm so glad you like it - reminiscent is really hard to aim for, because it's really vague, lol, so I was so worried it was just sort of maudlin and nothing else, and kinda dull. Also, I have a habit of rambling, a lot, and this style doesn't exactly help with that :P

I'm so glad you like Albus so far! It was kinda strange writing him backwards, almost, from an adult to a child, because it's not the usual way to think about it, but I tried to ground it as much in canon as was possible - though it's debatable how much of that there is, given how secretive he is as a character in the books. Still, I love writing him so I'm so happy you like him so far! :)

Yeah, the original version of this was pretty different - and in third person - and first person just seemed to fit for this, though using things I've never used before always makes me nervous!

Ooh, great, thank you so much for that! I tend to write a lot of description, which makes things slow pretty naturally, and it's hard for me to speed it up, so I'm so glad you think it works as it is. And yeah, the rest of it is pretty much the same sort of pace! :)

Thank you so so much for the review - and no worries about timing; RL is difficult at times! :)

Aph xx


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Review #5, by moonbaby11The Lost Wolf: In Limbo

3rd December 2014:
And here's your second review!

I really loved the parallels between how Cassandra used to look and how she looks now. Her original appearance seems flawless, and is almost bordering on Mary Sue, but I like how you have twisted it around. As I said in my previous review, you don't often see characters with physical disabilities and deformities like scars, and I think it's really important to have main characters that aren't just conventional beauties.

I don't think I've ever seen a Sirius/OC story set in the Hogwarts era, and I'm excited to see how this is going to play out. You seem to have a really original idea on your hands, and I applaud you for coming up with something like this.

All of the information about Cassandra's backstory that continues to come forward is very intriguing. You've done a good job of supplying enough information that I felt like the plot was moving, but not too much to give everything away all at once. You seem to be good at balancing things like that, which isn't always the easiest thing to do.

Overall, I think you have two solid chapters on your hands here. There really isn't anything negative that I have to say about them, so good job. I'd definitely be willing to read and review more, so don't be afraid to drop by and rerequest!

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Review #6, by moonbaby11The Lost Wolf: A Wolf at the Door

3rd December 2014:
Hey, I'm here with your reviews!

This chapter was interesting. It definitely set up the story, as well as providing enough background information about the characters to not only keep the reader intrigued about their future, but also intrigue them about their past. That's definitely something that you want to establish in the first couple of chapters to keep your readers hooked, and I can honestly say that I already can't wait to read the next chapter!

Cassandra seems like a very interesting character, what with her physical disability (something I've only seen very rarely in stories) and the fact that she is gifted. The mention of a wolf attack has me thinking that it might be a werewolf, especially with the way that you ended this chapter.

I think it's always hard to review the first chapter of a longer work because it is really only setting up the plot and never seems to have much action or anything like that (hopefully I'm making sense). Regardless of that, I think you've done a good job with what you have here. I think I sort of have a feeling for where you are going with this, and I have to admit that I am excited!

There are a couple small spelling errors in this chapter, so I would suggest perhaps looking it over to see if you can spot anything. It was nothing major, but I know that spelling mistakes are something that normally bring me out of the flow of a story. Other than that, I think you've done a great job with introducing everything here and I can't wait to check out chapter 2!

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Review #7, by moonbaby11Kissing in Private: Part Three

30th November 2014:
I am still laughing about that last line! I don't know why I found it so funny, but I did. I really do love Runa, even if she's only been in the story very briefly. I can't wait to see more of her character!

This chapter was really good and I really loved the flashback used at the beginning. I can clearly picture young children doing something like that. I played house a lot as a kid and I think it's something that most children do. I felt bad for Teddy and I know what it's like to have a small comment from your childhood stick with you. I thought it was very believable.

The relationship between Teddy and Victoire is really interesting and I'm excited to see where you take it because, right now, it's pretty clear that his feelings are not reciprocated. I really hope that Victoire realizes how terrible a person Derek is before things between them go too far!

One thing I wanted to point out was that in the memory scene you used the word 'improve' instead of 'improv'. That was the only typo I noticed and, really, the only negative thing I had to say about this chapter. Overall it was great and I can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for coming back to review! I love your reviews.

I'm so glad you like Runa! I hope as you see more of her you will continue to like her. This is a more subtle approach to the development of a relationship, I feel, and I'm glad it is well received thus far!

I used to play house all the time, too! Haha! Thank you. I'm glad you thought this was an accurate depiction of childhood.

Thank you! The relationship with Teddy and Victoire is quite complicated, even in my mind, so I know I will have to tread lightly as I continue. I hope you enjoy what I come up with!

Ah! thank you so much for pointing that out! That's one of those words that my fingers just automatically finish, haha! I fixed it right away. Thank you for pointing it out!

Thank you so much for continuing to read my story! I really appreciate your time and your wonderful reviews. I will update soon!


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Review #8, by moonbaby11Tunnel Vision: Indecision

30th November 2014:
I really love your version of Next Gen. I touched on this a bit in the last review, but that is the one thing that has stuck out the most. The way that the war has affected not only the people that lived through it, but the children like Rose and Albus as well seems extremely believable. I loved the use of the DA picture, not only that Rose used it as something to instill courage, but also just the simple fact that she has a picture of them in her room. It seems as though she looks at it often, and I really liked that small scene about the image.

Not a lot happened in this chapter again, but Rose is still interesting enough that her thoughts made me want to keep reading to learn more about her, her relationship with Amy, and her relationship with her family members. Rose continues to be a character that I care about and want to learn more about, so good job with that.

I also really loved your characterization of Hugo. I may be a little biased as he is one of my favourite Next Gen characters, but I like the way that you portrayed him. He seems a lot like Ron, but he is not a carbon copy. I felt bad for Rose when he reacted the way he did to her coming out, but I know that it will only make the next chapter more interesting.

You said that you are not sure about this story but I honestly think you have nothing to worry about. I enjoy it and I think you should continue it. I can't wait to see where you take the plot and the characters and I would love to see another chapter!

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Review #9, by moonbaby11Tunnel Vision: Letters in the Dark

30th November 2014:
Hey, I'm here with your review!

So far I think that the premise of this story is really interesting. Not a lot happened - this chapter was mostly just focused on Rose's thoughts and inner monologues - but you seem to be developing a really interesting character there. The character of Amy is also intriguing. Even though we haven't seen her yet, you proved enough information in her letter and in Rose's thoughts to give the reader some kind of a feel for who she is. I am definitely intrigued to see where you go with her and if she turns out to be the way I think she is.

I just want to say that all of the mentions of the war and the DA reunions were amazing. I don't very often see Next Gen stories tie in the fact that their parents are still suffering from seeing their friends and family killed in the war, but I like that you managed to tie that in. It made me smile, imagining the DA remaining in touch and getting together each year to share stories and bond with each other in a way that they can't really bond with anyone else.

On to some things that I think need improvement: There were quite a few typos and awkward sentences in this chapter. One of the sentences in Amy's letter to Rose had 'though' in it twice, and then the sentence after that had it as well. It didn't read well, so I think you might need to read over this chapter and make some changes to your sentences so that everything flows. Another thing is that, near the end, you referred to Rose as Amy twice. I was really confused at first, before I realized it was a typo, but you should definitely fix that!

Overall, I'm interested in where this story is going. You've drawn me in and I'm excited to read the next chapter. Good job :)

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Review #10, by moonbaby11Esto Perpetua: My Side Of The Fence

29th November 2014:
And here I am with your second review! I'm really enjoying this story and where you are taking it. This chapter was so much darker than the first one, and I really enjoyed it. It showed how sheltered the Hogwarts students are and the completely different atmospheres between the school and the "real world".

I'm really enjoying the character of Regulus and I love the relationship he has with Sirius. They seem to be similar in many senses, but you can see that Reg is much more about pleasing people and doing what his parents expect, which ties in to who he will become. I also really enjoyed the character of Uncle Alphard. He was fun and added a sense of lightheartedness to this otherwise very serious chapter.

One thing I do have to say is, aren't there rules against underage students using magic outside of Hogwarts? Neither Reg nor Sirius are 17, right? So I don't think they would be allowed to pull a prank like that without getting into some trouble with the Ministry. Just thought I should point that out...

I'm not sure what else to say, other than the fact that this story is very interesting and you've definitely drawn me into it with these two chapters. You are a good writer and everything seems very believable. You have an interesting premise and the characters are memorable and enjoyable to read about. I hope you get some more readers, because I feel like this story definitely deserves it! Keep it up! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad it is living up to your expectations so far. Yes indeed, sometimes in canon the students were so far removed from the outside world that it was positively frightening. And of course it didn't help that their only source of information came from government propaganda like The Daily Prophet.

Reg is one of my favourite characters, and I really wanted an opportunity to explore him. I'd like to think that in spite of - or maybe because of - being brought up with his family's traditions and expectations on his shoulders, he had a close bond with Sirius. Haha yes, Alphard is a fun character :D

The rule says that underage students shouldn't perform magic outside Hogwarts, but there is no way to say if the magic in question was performed by the student or an adult in the vicinity. As the party took place in a heavily warded Pureblood garden, and they were surrounded by adults, it is unlikely that the Trace was activated.

Thanks again for the very kind review. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #11, by moonbaby11Esto Perpetua: The Last Vestiges Of Peace

28th November 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your review!

I really enjoyed this. It's been a while since I've read any Marauders, and this story is reminding me why I love the genre so much. I think it's rare to find a story that focuses on the four boys more than it does a romance between Sirius or Remus and an OC. I like the fact that most of the characters present in the story are canon. I don't have anything against OCs, but it is refreshing to see a story that utilizes all of the minor characters in the HP novels instead of unnecessarily creating new ones.

Overall I really enjoyed the feel of this. It was lighthearted, but I think the reader also gets the feeling that something darker is under the surface and will probably make itself known soon. I liked all of the information about Sirius' family and how he finds refuge in the Potters because he never received the same kind of love and care from his own parents. It was interesting to see the parallels and I think you are smart for writing about it in that way.

I want to briefly talk about your characterization of Peter because I think he is fantastic. You seem to capture the fact that he is a bit of an outsider very well, but you don't have him acting like a complete idiot or secretly hated by the other three boys. They all seem to sincerely care for him, even if he isn't as close as the rest of them are, and I think that is refreshing. Too many people play Peter off as a joke and someone that the Marauders never even liked, when I think it is clear that they were honestly friends. I also really like the way you've written Lily - she's not yelling at James every chance she gets or complaining about how terrible he is all the time, which is something that is common in most Marauders stories, and I think the way you are portraying her is very realistic.

Overall, I think you have the makings for a good story here. It is only the first chapter, but I am interested to see where you take the plot and the characters. I think you have a good grasp on all of the characterizations and I can't wait to see more of minor characters, as well was get to really see how you write Regulus! Really good job.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Sorry for the late reply - I was terribly sad to see the little button return to zero at the top of the page, and kept procrastinating till another review came along.

I am a little prejudiced against romances focusing on Sirius and Remus and OCs unless they are done very well...and I did want to delve into the social and political climates of the wizarding world, and explore a bit of magic and not concentrate only on romance.

I'm happy to know I got across the points regarding Sirius' home life well enough. I did a couple of rewrites of that scene before I was satisfied with it.

And yes, things get much darker very soon!

Ah yes, Peter. It irks me too, when he is left out by writers, because he was an important part of the group. And you do have to be very clever to fool your closest friends of the length of time that Peter did. There'll be more of him in chapter 5. I love Lily. She's one of my favourite characters, and I didn't see how the canonical description of her as "smart, kind and funny" would coincide with the howling, screaming banshee we see often in fanfics :/

Regulus makes a brief appearance in chapter 3, and then again a major appearance in chapter 7 (I'm writing that at the moment, anf it's giving me a lot of grief!)

Thank you so much again for the lovely review. It's been immensely helpful with regard to writing out the next few chapters, and I hope you won't mind me coming back to rerequest :D


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Review #12, by moonbaby11fall.: fall.

23rd November 2014:
I've never read any Teddy/Rose before (actually I don't think I have ever really read about Teddy with anybody other than Victoire) but I really enjoyed this piece! The way you described the season and the scenery was perfect. Even though it's snowing outside right now, I felt like it was autumn and that I was surrounded by falling leaves and all of those bright colours. I think that really helped to set the scene. I also really enjoyed the way that you repeated the word fall and tied it together not only with the season but with someone or something falling. I thought that was really smart.

I liked the use of dialogue. There wasn't a lot of it, and I thought that what you have was used really well. All of your sentences sounded good - there weren't any that seemed wonky to me so good job. I'm always blown away by people that write in a language that is not their native language and manage to string words together in a great way.

There were a few small spelling errors, nothing overly major, and quite a few instances of slipping back into past tense. I would suggest reading it over or having someone else look it over for you to try and catch those moments because they did throw me out of the story slightly. Other than that, I thought everything was written really well.

I felt so bad for Rose that she was trying to be the bigger person and end things so that she didn't hurt Victoire. I really liked your characterization of her and the whole situation with her relationship with Teddy. I love the last sentence. It hits hard and really ties everything together. Overall, I thought this was a great piece! Keep it up! :D

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Review #13, by moonbaby11Kissing in Private: Part Two

22nd November 2014:
I already love Runa, even if she was only introduced at the end of this chapter. I liked the fact that she was willing to put Teddy in his place. Being defensive is understandable when you are in a position like his, but she had a good point about not being too quick to be defensive. I think she will make an interesting character and I am very excited to see where you take her.

I'm not sure if it will be present in all of the chapters, but so far I really love the fact that each chapter begins with a flashback to an earlier moment in Teddy's life. It is really helping to explain his character and what he is going through and how he has become the person that he is now in seventh year. I hope that you continue to do that because I think it is a really smart technique.

I felt as though this chapter was a little short. Quite honestly I'm not sure what you could have added to make it a little longer, but I felt as though it could maybe use another scene or the scenes could have been extended slightly. Another thing was that Teddy went from thinking about his Muggle Studies essay to being in Transfiguration class and I was really confused at first because I thought that Professor Connors was the MS teacher and that was what class he was in. Maybe look at those few sentences and see if you can change them up a little bit to make it more clear.

Overall, I felt that this chapter was very solid. Please drop by my review thread again if you feel like my reviews were helpful because I would love to read the third chapter when it's up!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you like Runa. While I was writing this, I found out that it is really tough to INTRODUCE a character who has many facets to their personality, so I'm really happy to see that you like her already. I hope you continue to enjoy the way I write her!

I'm so glad you picked up on that! I was actually planning on continuing that tactic, but I wasn't sure if it was an effective technique. Thanks to your feedback, I feel more confident that I can continue using this to add layers to Teddy's characterization. Thank you so much!

I totally agree that this chapter felt a bit short. I also agree that I'm not sure what else to put in this chapter! Haha! I also agree that it was a bit confusing about the Muggle Studies vs the Transfiguration class. I'll take another look at that section.

Thank you so much for your reviews! I really appreciate your time, and I'm so happy you enjoyed my story. I'll definitely let you know when I update!


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Review #14, by moonbaby11Kissing in Private: Part One

22nd November 2014:
I am so glad that you asked me to review this because it was already sitting open in another tab and I was planning on reading it later tonight! That means that I was already drawn in by your summary and the little bit I knew about the story, so good job there!

I don't read a lot of Teddy/Victoire stories, but I have never seen Teddy portrayed like this. Even the few times I have written him he has always been confident with his powers, or at least seems rather indifferent to them. I like how this is different because I have never seen a Teddy Lupin that acts like this. Most people never really consider that a metamorphagus would most likely have to learn to control their powers and might face adversity because they are so rare and different. Your characterization of him is really interesting and I can't wait to see where you go with him.

The opening scene was perfect. It really set up the rest of the chapter and sucks you in right away. I felt really bad for young Teddy, so you definitely managed to solicit emotions from the reader right from the get go. I think that is important because it very quickly gets the readers interested in the struggles of the characters and what is going to happen next with them. I'm already very interested in learning more about Teddy Lupin.

I'm not sure what else to say about this chapter as it was only the first one and you seem to just be setting up the rest of the novella, but I can't wait to read the next chapter to learn more about all the characters and see where you are taking the story. It's really great to see you writing again and you seem to have leapt back into things really easily :)

Author's Response: Oh yay! Thank you so much for your review! It means a lot to me that you were already interested in my story. Thanks so much!

It is so nice to hear that you've never seen a Teddy portrayed like this. I'm not quite sure why, but every portrayal of Teddy I've seen has been this confident, bad-boy type. I even wrote a few fics about him with that characterization. But I wanted to take a different look at his character; I wanted to really look into the details of his circumstances and think about how those circumstances would shape his character. Once I did that, I found this really vulnerable, innocent kid who's just trying to fit in but finds it impossible, and there's no one to help him with his gift. I'm so thrilled that you like his characterization!

Thank you for your comments on the opening scene! I had had this idea for the story for quite a while, but it took me a bit to get it up because I couldn't quite get the opening right! I'm so glad you think this works!

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to be back. I really appreciate your reviews!


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Review #15, by moonbaby11Two Words: Cold

22nd November 2014:
This was amazing. For something so short, you managed to capture emotions and enthrall the reader in the work. The first sentence certainly draws people in because you want to know who is dead and how it happened and why it happened.

I think it is truly genius that you wrote this in reverse order. I liked the fact that the reader knows the outcome, and now they want to know the backstory of everything. After I finished reading this I want back and read the paragraphs in reverse order and something about it wasn't as engaging as reading it backwards, the way that you wrote it. I am not sure if that was merely because I already knew what was going to happen when I read it a second time or if it was because the format of it being written in reverse chronological order honestly made it a better story, but kudos to you for making something like this work!

You've asked me if there is anything you can do to improve on writing microfiction and, honestly, I don't think there is. This whole piece is amazing. Each paragraph can stand on it's own, as well as come together to make an amazing story, and I feel like you hit the right emotions with your words. There was never a moment where I felt as if your wordcount was limiting you - you certainly used all 500 words perfectly in portraying this moment. You have definitely utilized the format well.

I just want to finish this off by saying that the Pygmy Puff line was so evil that it was almost humorous to me - I loved it! This story was great and if you were ever considering writing microfiction again, I would say go for it!

Author's Response: Hi! I apologize for taking such a long time with this response, life randomly decided to get super busy.

I'm so happy that you thought the reverse chronology not only worked, but improved it from what it would have been normally. I really wanted it to seem like less of a gimmick and more of a device, so I'm glad that worked out in my favor.

Wow, to read that there's nothing I can do to improve this is just awesome. Thank you! I'm so excited that you liked this and the Pygmy Puff line was my favorite :P


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Review #16, by moonbaby11The Perfect Moment: Perfect

22nd November 2014:
I really enjoyed this story. Although I love Next Gen, I don't tend to read a lot of Teddy/Victoire, but I found myself really enjoying this. I thought that the events were very realistic. A fight, a make up, and a proposal all in one night is certainly something that I could imagine a couple doing, especially if they are a couple that has known each other for a long time like you portrayed Teddy and Vic.

As I was reading I noticed quite a few spelling errors (most likely just typos) and there were a couple instances where you switched from past tense to present tense. A few sentences were worded a bit strange as well, although that may just be my opinion on it. I would just recommend that you quickly look the story over and see if you can spot anything like that as it slightly disrupted my flow of reading.

Speaking of the flow, I really enjoyed what you did with the perspectives. I liked being able to see both of the character's thoughts, especially when they would contradict (like at the beginning) or when one knew something that the other did not (like at the end). I thought it was an interesting tactic and it flowed well even though the POV switched rather often throughout the story. Good job on that!

You asked me to focus on the dialogue, and I really enjoyed what you have written. As I said before, it all sounds very realistic, like I am actually viewing a snippet of the lives of a real couple. I like the way that they talk with each other and can joke with each other in a way that shows just how comfortable they are around each other. Although there was not very much dialogue, I thought that what you had was a good amount and added perfectly to the story.

Overall I think the piece might need a quick read through to fix up a few things, but I still really enjoyed the story. It was engaging and the characters were very interesting. I really liked it!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for this! I agree, there are a few typos. -shakes head- I will definitely read through and edit it when HPFF isn't being annoying.

I'm glad you liked it though and you thought it was realistic. I actually started with the bit where Teddy swears at her and proposes and worked backwards from there so I get what you mean about some sentences sounding off! hihi.

I'm glad the switch in perspectives worked for you! I kept doing it because I like knowing what he and she were thinking. They're just so very interesting, both of them so it was fun.

Anyway, yes, PAST AND PRESENT TENSE. -grumbles- I hate it when I mess it up and I am going to look back and check those as well! Thank you for the review. :glomps:

--Carla


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Review #17, by moonbaby11Cliffhanger: Cliffhanger

16th November 2014:
Wow. Those were my first thoughts after finishing this piece. Wow.

I know that you said you were worried that you would not be able to cause the readers to feel all that you wanted them to since it was only 500 words, but I can assure you that I definitely felt something after finishing this story. The first sentence definitely hits hard and set up the whole mood of the story. There were so many lines in here that were amazingly powerful. I can honestly say that I started to get a little teary-eyed during the first paragraph.

I liked the use of second person. I don't see it used very often and I don't know how often you use it either, but it fit in here really well. I think that actually may be what helps the reader connect so well with the story even if it is only 500 words long.

I noticed a typo near the beginning with the way that you spelled Prophet, but that was the only spelling error that I caught on to. Other than that, I thought that this story was very well put together, especially considering the lenth. Great job!

Author's Response: Ironically, my first thought after reading this review was, WOW.

It is so encouraging for you to say that you felt something and got a little teary-eyed during the first paragraph.

I maybe overuse second person POV, usually whenever I haven't written for a while I just write something quickly in second person POV and then writing third/first feels a little easier.

I will fix the typo, thanks for pointing that out! :D

Thanks for the review, it made me smile because I wasn't expecting such positivity towards it.

:)


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Review #18, by moonbaby11Python: Python

16th November 2014:
First of all, I just want to start off by saying that this was a really interesting piece! I very rarely see work written about some of the more minor Death Eaters (either that, or I've just never read any of it before) and this was a very interesting take. I liked how you portrayed him as a child just like anyone else and that most people are not born completely evil but are influenced to make their decisions by something else.

Onto your areas of concern - I thought that the story flowed very well. The snippets that you chose to include were perfect and I liked the way that they all included a snake in some way, which certainly helped to tie it all together. I think you did a good job with the characterization here. I really loved Mulciber's mother and the way that she seemed to have no regard for life and was willing to risk her son's life just for the sake of discovering if he were lying to her or not. It certainly parallels the kind of person that Mulciber grows up to be. I also really liked your inclusion of Mary MacDonald to tie it back to canon because, as far as I can remember, not very much is known about Mulciber in the books.

I did not find your story confusing at all and I think you have done a good job of tying it together even though it takes place over many years. I did notice a typo near the beginning, however. You have " holding something had makes your insides scream" and I believe it should be that instead of had. That was the only thing that really pulled me out of the story in anyway. Other than that, I think you have a really good story on your hands! Good job.

Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you so much for this lovely review! I'm glad you appreciated the minor character being the main one in this story, I find that there are so many interesting people JK Rowling has created who don't get featured as much as they should around here!

I do believe that people aren't inherently evil, but external factors also have a role in determining a person's character. Even the evilest creatures were once innocent children.

I'm relieved, honestly, that the story seemed to flow well. Mulciber's mother was a scary character to write and I'm happy that you liked her portrayal.

The funny thing is, the whole incident of Mulciber casting some dark magic on Mary MDonanld is actually canon. I don't think it had anything to do with a snake, however, but Lily Evans does mention something to Snape about it. I didn't realise that my story had a lot of ties to canon until after I had written it xD

Ooh! I'll head over to fix that typo in a bit! Thanks so much for pointing it out and thanks once again for this incredibly helpful review!


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Review #19, by moonbaby11And Capers Ensue: Begin with a Bang

5th February 2011:
Wow, I think this is a really great start to your novella! This chapter is a little short, but I think that it was definetly good. You ended it off great, with a bit of a cliffhanger as to what happens next and if Fred and Bea get caught or not. The two characters that you have introduced so far seem very interesting and I'm curious to read more about them. I'm just wondering, is Bea Cho's daughter then? I'm assuming she is, but I just wanted to check on that. ;)

I like how you have Fred as a Rvenclaw (at least that's what I understand him to be) because most people seem to generally put the Weasley/Potter clan into Gryffindor. You seem to have them spread out more between houses here.

Um, what else to say? I thought it was very entertaining and will definetly come back and review the 2nd chapter when I get the chance! I think you're a really great author and should definetly keep up the amazing work! :)

Author's Response: Hey! :D Thanks! Bea is indeed Cho's daughter. I have some weird excuse for her adopting Cho's last name in that her father is a Muggle, and in the Wizarding World you would adopt the last name of the Wizarding parent.

Fred is a Ravenclaw! The Weasley-Potter clan, as you will see later, is very spread out. James was a Gryffie, Albus is a Puff, Rose and Lucy are also Claws, Louis is a Slytherin... they're everywhere! :D

Thanks for the review ^___^


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Review #20, by moonbaby11Afternoon Dust: Afternoon Dust

25th January 2011:
Okay, I just want to say that Scorpius' car is the coolest! :) Really, I loved how he had a vintage blue car. I'm sure that Lucius would have LOVED that. ;)

Anyways, I love your descriptions. I think that you have a very good way of writing, and this one-shot reflected that. I like the words that you use, as well as the descriptions.

I found this too be very interesting, though it was a little vague at points. I think you should maybe add just a little bit more information on Scorpius' and Victoire's relationship. I think if you maybe just added a sentence or two, it would have the perfect amount of both vague-ness and understanding. I was also a little confused as to what was going on with Teddy, so maybe you could add a sentence explaining that?

Other than the slight vauge-ness, I really enjoyed this one-shot! I've never read a Victoire/Scorpius, let alone a Teddy/Victorie/Scorpius! Is this the only one on the archives? I mean, if people can ship Teddy/Rose, why can't they ship Victoire/Scorpius? I don't know, but that's just my two cents on the pairing.

Overall, really great idea and writing! Keep up the great work! :)

Author's Response: Heee everyone loves the car ;)

I shall keep the vagueness in mind! It is such a balancing act. It's been high time I take another look at this one-shot again, anyhow.

Hee, I've never seen another one either! Older woman/Younger man ships really are quite rare.

Thank you for the lovely review! ^___^


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Review #21, by moonbaby11Face in the Mirror: Quidditch Final

21st January 2011:
All I can say about this right now is 'What just happened?'

Anyways, I thought you did a really good job with this, especially choosin to write about Louis, and congrats for being mentioned on Story Seekers. Sorry for the really short review, but I'm still a little shocked by what happened in the story. (which means that you did a great job with it) :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! It means the world to me that I was featured on StorySeekers. Thank you for your review!

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Review #22, by moonbaby11The Human Factor : The One Where It All Begins

8th January 2011:
Hey! I saw your preview for this chapter on the forums and I just had to come check it out! :) This chapter was really great and I thought it did a good job of introducing the characters and their relationships with each other. Right now, I'm really loving Scorpius! He says the funniest things and is not very smart, but I think he is my favourite character, even though I've only read the first chapter.

I really love your OC, Pippa. I like her name a lot, but I also really like her character! She's weird and she loves chocolate and stuff liek that, but she also seems like a really strong character, the kind who doesn't need a guy (although her and Albus together woudl be awesome! :D) I don't think she is at all a Mary Sue, so I think that you are on the right track with her.

This chapter had a lot of great lines. My favourites would have to be Albus' line about Damien in James' room with his shirt off, Scorpius' line about going to Azkaban for assisting in murder and Pippa thinking that the cupboard is like Azkaban, and talking about why her granfather is so crazy. You did a good job with describing things, like the way you Albus' smile 'setting everything ablaze'. I thought that was a great description!

There were a few mistakes I noticed:

'my brother physic reminds me of a bear.' I think it should say my brother's physique

'Cause my dads going to pretty annoyed' You're missing the word 'be'

'cause she acted like a big and tried to eat it all at once' I'm not sure if you meant 'pig' instead of big or if you were missing an adjective, but something is off about the sentence

I can't wait to see where you take this story next! The plot seems good and I'm loving the characters right now (as well as your banner! It's gorgeus! It's amazing what the artists at TDA can do!) Please update soon and good luck with the rest of the story!

Author's Response: Hello there! Ah! I think names have changed since the preview! I'm so glad you think I did a good job, that means a lot me. I'm so glad you like Scorpius! I'm getting a rather soft spot for him. Other people seem to like him aswell. I really enjoy writing his character.

I'm so glad you like her name, I really struggled to find one that I liked & would suit her background. Yeah, Pippa's totally independant! She has this stubborn streak when she thinks she needs no one. You've really captured her character. I'm so glad you don't think she's a mary sue, that's a huge compliment and it's something I worry about.

I'm so glad you liked those lines :D And I'm so glad you like my description.

I've changed them, thanks for pointing them out. I've also got a beta to catch them mistakes. Yeah, I meant Pig, not big :p I wrote a lot of this at 4am. Haha.

Thank you! I'm so glad you like the characters & the plot! And thank you! I am in love with my banner, I found it in a UFG section. It just fits the story so well. Thanks so much! I'll try to update soon.

- Keely
xxx


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Review #23, by moonbaby11Caprice: Iron Heart

27th December 2010:
Aw, so cute! :) I felt really bad for Capri during this chapter, because she was too afraid to tell Sirius about her feelings for him. And then he left! at least he wrote saying that he wished she were here! I think you really got the feeling of jealousy and love across in this chapter, and I definetly felt like I was inside Capri's head. I thought you did really well with this chapter! :)

This time I didn't catch any spelling or grammer mistakes, so you did good there!

The only thing is, I woudl like to learn more about Nora. You've given a lot of information about Capri and Sirius, but not a lot about her. Caprice considers Nora her best friend, so I would like yo see more interactiosn between the two and learn more about her. ;)

Great job on this chapter! If you woudl liek me to check otu the next two, just stop by my review thread again and re-request! I'd love to read on!

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Review #24, by moonbaby11Caprice: Vanishing Charm

27th December 2010:
Ooh, way to keep me interested! i really loved the last part of this chapter, especially the part where Caprice mimicked Sirius' high pitched sreams when he got his Hogwarts Letter! :) I'm really curious to see what is going to happen between them, especially with the ending that you had.

I really liked how they still called each other Jill and David, even though they both knew what eachothers actual names were. I thought that was really cute, and definetly something that I could see some 11 year olds doing.

I kind of like how you described Sirius as a charmer even though he was only 11, since it's common for 11 year olds to have crushed on guys. It was also good to see that James wasn't already madly in love with Lily in their 1st Year. I find it really weird when people do that, because they're only 11, and they shouldn't be in love! Good job for not doing that.

I found a few spelling mistakes:

'lovely mane on chestnut brown hair' I think you meant of not on

'Nora knew my world as well as this new world well' I think you should remove one of the 'well's

Other than that, this chapter was really well written. I'm enjoying the characters and the story! :) Well, I'm off to review the next chapter.

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Review #25, by moonbaby11Q Session: In Good Taste

26th December 2010:
I love Myrtle, so I was really excited to see that you had a fic about her. This was really interesting, as I've never really read anything about Bertie Bott before. I thought it was a good idea, and I like the way you characterized him. He seems like an interesting person, with all the questions that he had.

I also liked how you characterized Myrtle, because you didn't make her whiny and annoying like we see in the books. You just seemed to make her innocent, curious and hurt, which I liked. She seemed like a nice person and I felt pretty bad for her and what had happened.

I noticed one error here: 'but Bernie was just finding his stride.' I believe it should be Bertie instead of Bernie. Other than that, I didn't notice any other mistakes.

This story got me thinking, which I liked. Overall, I thought it was really well written and that you had a great idea here. Keep up the good writing and happy holidays! :)

Author's Response: You have no idea how happy it makes me that this one shot got you thinking. Ultimately, that is one of the most important things to me when I read, that I am pondering the story after I'm done.

I have no doubt that Myrtle was whiny and irritating, but I really wanted to show a side of her in this that also existed, one of a lost little girl. I wanted to give her a second chance, in a way.

I'll fix up that mistake there, silly me! Thank you so much for the review and happy holidays!


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