Thank you for your submission to The Black Challenge, 1st place as it was the only completed submission!
I loved this, and from reading would have made it one of the top three of there had been more submissions.
Writing in second person is really difficult and directly speaks to the reader and I feel as though you accomplished that passably well. There was an area where you switched into first person and I had to do a double take... but it did take me a minute to process the switch so it wasn't really too noticeable.
Andromeda... Wow! The characterization in this is fantastic. In everything I have ever read, Andromeda has been loving and warm and accepting especially forgiving to Narcissa. It was great to see a different take on her, to emphasis how a normal ordinary person would feel when faced with that situation... the anger, pain, sadness, bitterness and it was amazing. I feel I could relate to Andromeda in this. And I never expected her to use the cruciatis curse on Bella... wow. The plot in this is great, how Narcissa would seek help to help Draco during the battle, How Bella would seek an opportunity to cause her siblings pain and Hoe Andromeda would Be faced with the reunion she never wanted. I only wish that there was more, because this is really good.
Contact me on the Forums PM with what kind of image you would like for the story and what other stories you would like me to review on. Report Review
I like the plot overall. think it builds and keeps readers interested. I am not really familiar with Dorcas though, and as one of the main characters I was confused in the last chapter, but brushed it aside, and can't help but pointing out That I can't help with characterization in this. I do like the story, it is written well and the structure is good. It is interesting, I just don't like how I don't know the main character.Author's Response: Hello!
I guess no one really knows Dorcas, since in canon, she was only a name on a list. Thanks for the review! Report Review
I Really Like this. I'm sorry that it has taken so long for me to get back to you, real life has been difficult lately.
For Grammar, I have not noticed anything to point out, good thing you have a beta for that.
Characterization is wonderful, I like how this is written through the eyes of Lucius, but he still seems very much in character, as does Narcissa.
Plot: It seems to build and the end of this chapter promises to be equally, if not better, as good in the next chapter. I like how the story does build and create suspense because it makes the reader interest that much better. I will not be able to read more than one chapter for now, unfortunately, but I will check back when I can, or you can re-request a review in a couple of days for chapter 2. You have nothing to be worried about. Great Job. Report Review
What a wonderful story! I loved it. I want a sequel.Author's Response: Thank you very much! I've been thinking about a sequel but i'm not sure if it would work out :) but we will see!
Wow! He loves her so much that he would give her up for her protection. Talk about devotion? Excellent work. I have very much enjoyed this and I hope that you continue with it, as I would be very sad if you didn't. 10/10 for the whole story.
Dracolovergirl5000Author's Response: Aww thanks!
I have an epilogue in my head but I just can't seem to translate it to paper / writing.
Ever have that where you can picuture it but it just doesn't come out the way you see it? Suffering that, but I will come back to it and finish it.
Currentlly starting / back into a few other projects (now that I am no longer chained as tightly to my work desk) including, you guessed it, more Draco / Hermione.
Glad you liked the story.
Love Pepper Report Review
OOOH! Malfoy on the run, Ron Guarding Hermione, Scorpius oh poor Scorpius away from both his Mum and Dad. Very Intriguing. 10/10. I'm really enjoying your work, its very well written.Author's Response: Thank you.
But it does seem like a possible future doesn't it? The Pure Bloods really not taking the change to the world they know and not giving up without a fight?
I wanted this story to be firmly Draco's. What he would do as he was once part of the other world and now part of the new world order.
Would love really conquer his past?
Glad you like it.
Love Pepper Report Review
Interesting start. I really liked how you are showing a fight in the first chapter to really stress the point that married life isn't all fun and kisses. I'm liking this so far. 10/10.
Dracolovergirl5000Author's Response: Thank you!
Having been married myself I know that it isn't all "Happily ever after" after the wedding. Marriage takes hard work and is a constantly evolving thing.
Hermione and Draco have moved past the honeymoon stage into the hard work stage, the stage where they are growing and changing but not always together or in the same direction.
But is their love strong enough to bridge the distance thats come between them?
Love Pepper Report Review
This was such a well written story. I loved it and I'm so sad that it has ended. You really picked a great plot line that wasn't full of cliches with the pairing. Excellent work and I'm going to go read the sequel now.Author's Response: Thank you!
I really wanted to see if I could make this pairing work and still keep it close to cannon.
I am glad that you enjoyed it and I hope you like the sequel.
Love Pepper Report Review
Apparently I have already read the first chapter of this story and I do not remember doing so. I have re-read it and I thought that it was very-well written as was this chapter. I re-read the review I left for the first chapter and am still at a loss as to why I reviewed way that in the first place, It was excellently written. My guess is that you requested the review based on your response to mine, and I just wanted to let you know that I am now reading this by choice and not by obligation and am very much enjoying it so far as I did not note in my earlier review of the first chapter. Please keep up the Great work.
PS Serious apologizes for my first review with spelling and grammar errors and a not very detailed review.Author's Response: Hello,
Thank you for your reviwew.
It happens, sometimes we just give out a quick review when we have a mountain of them to get through.
I am glad you've enjoyed it and hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Love Pepper Report Review
So Far so good. I am enjoying this fic. Firstly It is Hilarious. Keep up the good work. I like how it took 20 minutes to sort poor avalon. Report Review
I don't find too much depression in this story at all. I mean Hermione is grieving and there is a lot of pain in the past for her, and her memories cause most of it. However from reading your three chapters I do find that Hermione finds joy in her work, caring for her patients. If nothing else, it makes her somewhat happy so you could focus on that. I think you could also break into flashbacks again with Ron, and even before that to school, but then really focus on where her pain is coming from, and then make small, really nice things that people (Including Draco) do for her start to help her on her healing process. It is a way to play out the depression and sadness without rushing your story past it and still getting to the happier part of your fiction. I hope this helps.Author's Response: Thanks for coming by. I'll definitely take what you said into consideration.
I planned to do more flash backs.. And eventually there wont be any so that will help her to heal and all that. Report Review
This is really good. Please continue with it. Report Review
Wow! This is so good. I loved it! I laughed, and cried. This was written really well. Can't wait to read more. Report Review
This was sad, but written very well. It was a new look at Sirius for me and I liked it. As to Flow and Punctuation, It was fine, I didn't see one thing out of place, and i loved the quotes you picked.Author's Response: Haha, thanks! :) I apreciate this. Report Review
I loved it! I thought it was really thoughtful input into the challenge, and creative how you kept Mad Eye In character. You did a really good job with the plot and characterization. Keep it up.Author's Response: Thank you! :D I'm glad you liked it, chapter one is almost done. Report Review
I'm very intrigued by this story. I'm sad that this is all that is written, because it is very good. They style is unique, the characterization superb, grammar exceptional. This is quite a good plot you have as well, it really kept me enthralled. In fact, there were to my opinion, no cliches. Its hard to accomplish that with this pairing, because its just overdone a lot. I find a lot that sometimes stories are too similar that it is like reading the same thing. However, this was not the case in yours, and I appreciate that uniqueness, I've never read anything like it and I enjoyed it. 10/10Author's Response: Dear Dracolovergirl5000,
Thanks for your glowing review! I feel as if you are just as great of a writer, based on your review alone. I do agree, Dramione's are often overdone- especially the ones where they are paired as Head Boy/Head Girl and they quickly become best friends/romantic interests. I figured this was something yet to be really dissected by authors- the whole future to present bit- so why not write about it before others do? Anyways, thanks for such a sweet review, and I hope you have a happy holiday!
~Sera Report Review
I Love this! Its so sad, but then happy to. Great Characterization. At first I thought Draco was a Tad Cliche, but he pulled around really fast. I also love the title of the story, it really caught my attention. Besides for small Grammar mistakes, its was written very, very well. This is by far, one of the best fics I have read recently, and I'm glad I did. Please update soon, (I think this is still WIP?) If it please please update soon. 10/10
Dracolovergirl5000Author's Response: It is still a WIP i just tend to take a long time to update lol. =] sorry bout that.. Report Review
I really don't have any suggestions for this, i'm sorry. Its really good, but I wouldn't be able to tell you where to take this. I also apologize for taking so long to review, and I know writers block is hard to deal with, but I know I wouldn't be able to do this story justice. Good Luck.
Dracolovergirl5000Author's Response: Okay, well, thanks anyway :) and that's okay, I was in no rush to get this review but thanks anyway :) Report Review
Awesome story, I couldn't stop clicking next chapter! You have great characterization, although I would work a little more on describing. Good Work.Author's Response: Thank you so much! That means a lot. I just posted the next chapter!
-Katie:D Report Review
Very Interesting story line. I love it. I do think that you should work more on developing your relationship between characters, especially Snape and Hermione. It does really seem that you are more describing a story than actually telling it at times. However, I love how you jump between years, it makes a unique story. Report Review
I really try not to review until the end of a story, because they end up being slightly the same. I can tell you that I loved your story, and it was really hard to wait until the end. You did a really good job.
I would really work on a few things however. You have some phrases in most of your chapters that are either missing a word, have an added word or just don't flow right. also a few misspellings. I suggest if and when you choose to edit this that you read the chapter backwards, it may help to catch the errors. However, your story does not have enough errors to really be worried about it. I noticed several cases of what I mentioned above, but its not bad at all, and your story is still very good. In fact the errors don't really confuse a reader, just possibly annoy them at times because they actually have to think about something besides your awesome story.
Characterization in your story was beautiful. Coodos to you, I really loved this story and i rate it a 10. Report Review
“I suppose I can just bring my own luggage down, myself,” he said shortly and walked out of the room nonchalantly.
This is such a great line for Draco! its perfect and really characterizes the book Draco very well. Report Review
I'm so proud of you! Its great, and looks wonderful. How is chapter four coming along? Report Review
I like this. Its interesting, kind of like a mid life crisis for a woman.Author's Response: Yea, kinda. Hermione is def going through a life changed. Report Review
I read these two chapters and I think they are unique. You have a unique writing style. Next- gen is still not my favorite period so I can't really get into it, but I can say that I like your writing style. Firstly, please do not be offended that I don't like Next-Gen, I just don't, but i have nothing against the stories, and I still read them upon request because it is always good to broaden the horizon. Secondly, there were some, but not many mechanical formatting and grammar mistakes, but not enough to point them out. The characterization well done, it connects the reader to the story. I think that you do a good job with details and imagery, and the story is very good. I've been told many a time that its hard to review for a story that you are not interested in. I don't believe that, I think that you can still look for the good and bad in a story and leave a review that if does not help the author fix details gives the encouragment for writing. So Beeezie, you are a Great Writer, and I think that you have a lot of potential, as do your stories. You can write anything yo want to, and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Dracolovergirl5000Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm glad you like the story. I'm certainly not offended that you don't like next-gen, but I wish you'd told me - I could have pointed you at my non next-gen stories. I have two up, and one that should probably be validated sometime today or tomorrow. It's great that you don't have trouble reviewing stories you aren't interested in, but I really don't want anyone reviewing my fics to feel like it's a chore or something! :) Report Review
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