Gosh! You made me cry!!
This was perfect, beyond perfect really! I just couldn't believe when it ended. Fleur and Bill are wonderfully described in this little story than I've seen ever before. I'm truly speechless, this is such an extraordinary piece of writing!
Well done! This is definitely getting favourited :)
I love the little descriptions you gave of their life together growing old. I've never really appealed to Fleur much but wow this story COMPLETELY changed that! Do you know how amazing that is? that your writing is so powerful and heartfelt that it can change someone's opinion about the pairing featured in your story?!
I was going to pick a different one of your stories but I am thrilled that I went for this instead.
I love it so much! 10/10
Please write more! :) :)
~Cali xxAuthor's Response: Aww, this review is so lovely, thank you!! :) I had a really fun but emotional time writing this, and hearing this positive feedback really means so much to me. I'm glad that it changed your mind about Bill/Fleur, I love them together!! This was intended as a one-shot, but who knows, I might come back to it someday! :)
Really, thank you so much for being so kind and complimentary!! *blushes* I really loved the review!! :D Report Review
Hi! Here from the Review Tag Post :)
So I really like the feel of your story here, from the beginning it has a sort of dark feel to it and your descriptions are quite lovely. I also like that you picked Dominique as your protagonist who usually only gets to be a secondary character is many stories I've read.
Your chapter was very nicely written, appropriately fast paced. It made me feel her fear and trepidation. It was really very nice! I hope I'll get to read more of it soon. I'm certainly curious to see how she's going to handle the attack and the life after it.
Minor grammar errors but nothing a read-over couldn't fix. Well done with your first chapter :) It's definitely an attention-grabber!
~Pen2PaperAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing this.
I am glad you like the feel of the story and enjoy the descriptions. I have always liked Dominique so I am pleased you like her too.
Its great to hear that you liked the fast pace, and the whole fear atmosphere. I'd love to know what you think of the next chapters as well.
I went back and edited some of the grammar errors now, so hopefully it's better. Thanks a lot for all your lovely words! Report Review
I'm Pen2Paper and I've been debating on trying out a thing I've seen a few people do here on this site, and that is to seek out random stories and give random reviews :) So I've chosen yours as I am a super Marauders fan and a major Jily fan!
Here we go... So after reading your first chapter I noticed two things. You visualise most of what you write which is very good! I do that too :) And also you have a knack for creative descriptions and metaphors.
Overall this chapter was very cute. Your language skills are pretty good and I didn't spot any obvious grammar mistakes.
My only constructive criticism to you would be to explore beyond what is already known. Your first chapter follows a lot of Harry's journey to Hogwarts. Its got a lot of familiar situations where we know what exactly is happening. I would advise you to try and truncate that part and add more of your own imagination. How did Maia meet Peter? Who's Peter to Lily and Severus? How come Severus is so comfortable with Maia when he seemed only to be comfortable with Lily in the books? Try and explore these ideas in your chapter to make the readers more curious.
Your Marauder's a adorable. Adding artistic talent for Sirius was genius :) But as compelling as it is to describe them as gorgeous and good-looking (trust me I know! :P) at the age of eleven most boys will not have the arsenal to make girls or any age swoon! They'll be cute, irresistibly cute without a doubt but swoon maybe just a little bit overreaching. I swear this is not to nit-pick on your story, I only mean to help improve what is already a good read.
I hope you continue to build on your characters in the future chapters :) It's an interesting start of Remus and Maia and their friends. Good luck with writing their story :)
~Cali. Report Review
Pen2Paper, fellow Gryffie from the CR review thread.
So, this is an Alternate Reality type fic. Haven't read many but I've always been intrigued by the ones I have read.
Ok, so don't take this the wrong way, but as wonderfully descriptive as your story is it left me very confused in certain areas. This is undoubtedly a hard piece to pull together changing every detail of the story from Harry to Neville. But there was a lot that was sort of a 'chain reaction' and I wonder if you gave that some thought.
Firstly who was the woman who was killed by Voldemort? Was it Neville's grandma? if so where are his parents? What happened to them.
Secondly, who betrayed them for Voldemort to know where they were?
And why is Snape working with Dumbledore? If Lily and James were not the target Snape wouldn't have come to Dumbedore asking him to keep her safe, and Dumbledore would not have recruited Snape. Also I'm very curious about the potion they were making, what was it for? Why was it so important?
I really liked the part where Lily and James sent off Harry to Hogwarts and that they named their daughter Alice, it's really lovely. But I can't wrap my head around the fact that everything is quiet and they have no troubles. With Neville gone shouldn't Voldemort be ruling all of England or something?
:/ So many questions!
It was a really nice piece to read but I think a bit more explanation will really help clear up the confusion. :)Author's Response: Perhaps some of the details and clues to what was going on were too subtle.. Regardless thanks for the R&R!
~Moon~ Report Review
Pen2Paper here from the Gryffie common room review thread. :)
You've got a cute story here. I like your protagonist's very age-appropriate way of thinking. She's interesting and quirky and instantly likeable :)
I am curious as to what exactly her 'plan' is? Maybe we'll get to know soon?
Anyway apart from a few punctuation errors I didn't spot anything too out of place. I would suggest though that you use italics when you write what she thinks or her internal dialogues (I thought, I told myself) just to make it clearer.
Also when describing what she likes about Lyssander you have a series of sentences all starting with "I noticed". I would suggest maybe varying the word choice or simply combining two sentences with a comma.
I do like that you picked Lyssander as her crush. I haven't read many fics where he is given much prominence, I hope there's more of him to come.
Lovely start to a promising story! Keep going :) :)Author's Response: Thanks!
Her plan is slowly revealed, and then clearly outlined at the end of the story. I'm glad you find her likeable!
Thanks for pointing that out, I'll try and work on it :)
Don't worry, Lysander is very important so there is definitely mor of him to come!
Don't worry, I will! Report Review
Very moving and very beautifully written! I loved Frank's touching thoughts about his son. They loved him so much, and if it had been a killing curse they would have died for him just like the Potters did for Harry. I think because of their tragic pasts Neville and Harry have a bond that maybe even they don't fully understand. But there is no doubt that they both fought hard for the freedom their parents believed in.
Harry was the Lion and Neville was indeed a dragon!
There are several pointers that'll make this even better, I'll pm you :)
I really like your personification of the Dragon, it's a unique and fresh approach and it suits the story really well. I'd suggest someone to look over using 'features a dragon' as a prompt just to be sure. Looks fine to me :)
Really good effort and this was very beautifully written! Well done! :)Author's Response: The spelling mistakes!!! Need to get them done. :( Sooo sorry I was in such a hurry to get this on the queue that I've overlooked so many mistakes. Awww thanks love :) I was afraid of the Dragon part as well :( Tell me what you find out :D Thanks for reviewing *hugs* Report Review
Nicely done Beezie! :D I loved the descriptions and I could't help but adore Diana!:) Neville seemed well in character and you've done your research on the Welsh Greens:) your story has great plausibility and the prompts blend into it seemlessly! Well done! Go Gryffindor!Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it - this was such a fun task. :) Report Review
Nice work Claire! I liked your descriptions and it flowed seemlessly. I'm not sure Neville would be one for revenge but it seems perfectly plausible in your story. :) also liked the nice touch of Neville buying the wand after the battle of the MOM, it adds more significance to why he's attached to his new wand and the details of it didn't seem out of place! Well done! :DAuthor's Response: thank you so much! (:
your review means a lot to me! hehe Report Review
This was really well written! Well done Keira! I loved the emotion and the amazing level of description you put into this piece! It was like I could see it happening right before my eyes.
Really beautifully written! :) :)
~CaliAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Oh! Thank you so much for such a lovely review! I've only read a couple of the other entries, but I'm hoping to review all the other entries as soon as I can! :)
Thanks again! Keira :) Report Review
Really cute. I love James and Sirius! They are so hilarious! LOLAuthor's Response: Hey I replied to this but my reply has not been posted!! hehe thanks love. I was a bit nervous when I saw your comment on my status, because you know, you're a major Lily/James author and all :D Hehe I was afraid of overdoing the fluffy part but I guess it was alright :D Thanks a million for the review it means so much :) Report Review
Just read the first two chappies of ur fic and I'm loving it so far! Gwen is precious! I really like her. She's got spunk and attitude and is a really relatable all rounded OC. The relationship she has with James is wonderful and I love how protective he is of her. (Although I wish he didn't have to be so blind! Come on Jimmy! :P) Its really cute and adorable and I love the backplots that are developing in the story:) well done E :) will read more soon
~CaliAuthor's Response: Ooh, this is such a lovely surprise! I love your writing so much so I'm really excited to hear what you think of my story!
I'm glad that you like their relationship. I've tried to make it as real as possible so I hope that is showing. (Haha, yes. He is quite blind and will continue to be like that)
Thank you so much! I can't wait to hear what you think of the rest of the story! ♥
And now that NaNo is finally finished I can read your new chapters! So be on the look out for shiny new reviews in just a few days ^^ Report Review
This is really beautifully written I'm so glad I stumbled across this story. Sirius/Oc's are my absolute favourite and I already love this one.
Ben Barnes? Oh my absolute favourite choice for Sirius.Your descriptions and details, emotions everything is so beautifully written. Well done I can't wait to read on. Do update soon.Author's Response: Wow, thanks! So glad you like it ^_^ I'll try to update soon. Thanks for the review! They make my day! Report Review
Brilliant. Brilliant. Just Brilliant!
Wow. Really I'm lost for words. It felt like... watching an amazing movie, this first chapter. Right from your first line (which reminded me of The Lovely Bones)
Hermione Granger didn't meant to die that day.
fantastic line. It caught my attention immediately and you didn't let go till the last word. I don't like the thought of Hermione dying particularly but your story is so intriguing.
You know at first I was almost sure the crying was some dark creature luring her to it like a Hinkypunk or something...
It was just surreal how well you described every single detail. I could visualise everything. EVERYTHING.
Young Hermione with ice latching onto her fringe of hair and her eyelashes. *shudder* It was so real!
Amazing! Cant wait to read on. Well done!Author's Response: I am so glad that I was able to catch your interest with this story. To be truthful I have never read nor seen the lovely bones though I hear it was really good. The details of the forest creek came literally from my best friends back yard. Though I had to imagine what it would like with snow since we don't get much snow here where I live.
Thank you again for the wonderful review and I hope you continue to enjoy. Report Review
Hey there :)
I saw a post in the forums, something about your concern for reviews for your story, so I decided to pop by and offer any encouragement I could. I remember posting my first chapter and feeling like no one liked it because I didn't get reviews in the first two days! Don't worry people will review as long as you develop your story and they have something to comment on... Relax and keep going.
I liked this chapter especially because it was Fred's point of view who happens to be one of my absolute favourite characters from the books :)
Things I think you could improve on...
1. Length. You barely exceeded the minimum limit for a chapter. Over here what you put into your first chapter often becomes a ruling factor for whether a reader wants to continue reading or not. Which brings me to point too.
2. Make something hint at your plot. We know you've got a story planned but to get your reader's interest show a bit of the plot in little hints... its not always easy but a little bit of detail as to where the story is headed often holds the reader's interest.
3. Describe! Hogwarts is a wonderful place, you can add so much to the chapter by description, the Great Hall, the Common Room. When you describe what your character sees, it becomes so much easier to place your character in a setting and it becomes instantly believable. Just try adding more detail and see how much of a difference it makes.
It was nice to George and Fred interact in first person view. You've made a good effort but the story has barely time to make the reader feel comfortable in the setting of your story and the shoes of your character before it ends so my main suggestion would be to expand your ideas and just let it flow :)
I hope you find this review helpful. Best of luck with future chapters :)
~Pen2PaperAuthor's Response: This is so helpful! Thanks so much for reviewing!
I am currently waiting for my second chapter to be validated, and it is a lot longer than this one. Also, I have written a couple more which are even longer.
I think I was just so excited about uploading this one that I didn't really write much!
I completely get what you are saying about the describing thing, and I will definitely work on that in my next chapters:)
Thanks again! Acciolocket21 x Report Review
This is a first time for me reading Pregnancy fics but I must say I did enjoy it. The sudden time gaps sort of break the flow of the story but putting that aside they rest went really well.
Lily felt natural at that young age to be reckless and impulsive with her situation running away from her problems thinking that the most important thing is to not face the reactions of her family, often not thinking about what she could have done alone to take care of herself and her child. I also adored Scorpius for being so mature at that age and taking responsibility fully stepping into the role of father-to-be and filling the shoes more than adequately. I wish thought that you could have 'showed' more than 'told' us. But it is again hard to do in a one shot.
Absolutely loved Rose's sarcastic remark upon seeing her cousin again. And the addition of Hugo is perfect! Ariadne? Unique choice :)
Well done. Great effort. :)Author's Response: Lol, it's a first time for me writing one, so I guess that works! :D I had the breaks in because I didn't know a better way to show passage of time, but maybe it also represents Lily's lapses in judgement? (Idk, that's just an excuse) I am very glad that you liked it, thank you so much for reviewing! :D Report Review
So this is a very interesting character you've chosen to create a story around. I've always been insanely curious about Peter. The best friend of the great three. There must have been somethig truly great about him that made James, Remus and Sirius befriend him. I want to know your story :)
You've got a fair bit of grammar errors and some verb confusion which you can quickly sort out with a once-over edit or by getting a beta. Other than that this looks like a great prologue for a good story.
I'm very interested to know about Peter's past and hope to read an update on this story soon.
If you'd like me to review this story's future chapters bring it by my review thread in the forums! Peter Pettigrew is a rarely approached character. I can't wait to see how you write him.
Best of luck for the future chapters!
~Pen2PaperAuthor's Response: Hey there!
First of all, thank you for the review (was so excited when I read it :P) And I agree with you, Peter is such an underestimated character, but he was best friends with three amazing characters, there certainly has to be something about him!
I already got a Beta Reader, so those mistakes should be gone in no time! I'll be updating this weekend (hopefully) so stay tunned! :D
- Fooenti. Report Review
Oh I am such a sappy romantic! I was actually like two inches from the screen reading this!
Hey, I'm Pen2Paper from the forums with your requested review! Man you ended it just when I wanted it to just keep going! I wouldn't have wanted it to end. To answer your question. No, It's not too slow. I feel it had just the right pace.
I am so like Rose, love weddings and so I greatly enjoyed this piece especially how you made all the characters fit into it. I don't know much about her but I already friggin' adore Sophie! I can just see her bouncing about with her golden hair. Oh man! I just realised that the image i had in my head of her is young Rapunzel from Tangled! lol
Likability? Are you kidding? This is a lovable story! I love it start to finish. So many moments in between I felt a laugh escape me. (doesn't happen often)
I love how Rose thinks! Its just incredibly relatable and clearly has characteristics of both Ron and Hermione.
"Al had always been her favourite. It was unfortunate that he was now going to have to die."
LOL. I laughed imagining her expression!
Really what can I say? I love how realistic it is, the doubt, the ache she has when her past love comes back into her life, and she realises she wasn't really over him, the reflections of their young love and convincing themselves they were young and stupid and it wouldn't have worked. I love it all!
My favourite moment though was Hugo!
"Dad's going to try to cut in, Ro," Hugo said, just loud enough to hear, as he passed. "Do not, for the love of Merlin, let him."
Hahaha I laughed so hard! Love him!
Anyway you've got a brilliant chapter on your hands and its a masterful job to end with Scorpius asking what he should say instead of plainly saying it.
I love this! :) WELL DONE!
Thanks for requesting BrightStar:) Good luck with all the other chapters of this story collection :)
~Pen2Paper.Author's Response: Awww thanks so much! Sorry for the delay, I havnt been on here!
OMG thats exactly how I pictured sophie! And I love weddings too :)
Rose is possibly my only, really, funny character. I write my other characters so we laugh at them, Rose is the one who cracks jokes - though theyre mostly mean, I imagine!
THANK YOU! :D Report Review
It's Pen2Paper from the forums with an extremely overdue review! So sorry but real life has been incredibly hectic. Anyway I'm here with your review. Lets get to it.
This was very beautifully written. I loved the way you portrayed Victoire. Although the chapter clearly tells of how broken she is about her lost beauty in the undertone we can feel she is a much stronger character and not one to base everything on her looks. That is really a masterful job to pull off. She has a feel about her that says she has enjoyed being the attention-grabber although she tried not to let it go to her head, and she's only broken now because she is in completely unfamiliar territory. She has no idea how to be brazen and tough and not care what the world thinks of her, especially since what they used to think might have been secretly to become her.
This is a very hard labile emotional state you've picked for your character and I praise you for pulling it off really really well!
You've introduced a lot of characters here but you've done so in a few sentences that quickly and effectively describe Vic's relationship with them. From Louis' worried expressions, Dominique's impatient sighs, her dad's tender advice... these are all so amazing that you can clearly picture the family. I'm thoroughly impressed by this aspect.
Your word choice is brilliant. However there are some minor grammatical errors scattered across the chapter that you could fix with the quick once-over or by getting a beta.
Descriptions. Lovely. I love the settings you've chosen. The distant sea and storm, very reflective. and the calm night outside on the porch for the daddy-daughter talk. You're indeed very skilled with your imagination and I believe it wouldn't be wrong for you to go with your instincts with this story :)
I was hoping we'd get to see Teddy before the end of the chapter. And you didn't dissapoint. Teddy was a reflection of his father, kind, soft-spoken and protective. I can't wait to see what you have planned for both of them and I wonder about their past and the fragility of their friendship because of her actions when she was beautiful... hmm very curious.
Your chapter focuses on the present, which leaves readers curious and interested of the past that led her to this unfortunate state. It's really both cruel and genius of you to end with a cliffhanger which will most certainly ensure your readers will follow onto the next chapter. I'm dying to find out the sadistic criminal who was responsible for her near death experience.
Overall. I only have praise for you. Your word choice, description, narrative and flow, all are absolutely brilliant. You're undoubtedly a dedicated authour and I wish you luck with the rest of the chapters. This is really a wonderful start to a potential beautiful story :) Thank you for requesting. Please don't hesitate to request for the following chapters :)
~Pen2Paper.Author's Response: Hi!
So, I've been away for about a week and I was very pleased to get your review, it was a nice coming home present. It was no problem at all for your review to be slightly belated.
Even better to the fact this was so nice, I'm really glad you liked it and your interpretation of the way I wrote everything was just how I intended and that really makes me happy. As for the mistakes I have a beta'd copy, but it hasn't gone in the queue yet unfortunately - but thank you. It was great to hear your thoughts.
Hannah. Report Review
Pen2Paper here with your requested review:) Sorry its taken me so long to get this review out I've been crazy busy.
So your major concern was whether or not to go forward with it. Well I'm going to be entirely unhelpful in saying its really your choice. But if I may offer some advice, I find that we often abandon stories too early. Stories with so much potential are lost because the author feels its a waste of time when the first few chapters do not generate the response they are looking for with the audience.
Firstly, understand that if reader interest is most important to you, then you can adapt your story to suit such interests.
Primarily for a chapter to work, there are three things you have to consider making obvious to the reader.
1. Who the main character is (either first person or third person)
2. Where the character is- setting, scenery, surroundings, attention to detail. Lights, colour, texture, everything matters.
3. What is happening - the event, timeline and such.
Here only one of these things is apparent. Who.
It's clear that this is Rose speaking, thanks to hints from the title and Albus calling her buy the name. Since the other two are left hazy it leaves a bit of confusion in the readers mind.
Main question being "What's going on?"
It this was intended, then it's a good thing the prequel is kept short and I would be wise to make clear distinction of what is happening, why is everyone so anxious, why is Rose acting like the apocalypse is coming... etc etc.
The confusion raises questions that will make the reader certainly go forward onto the next chapter.
You've already caught attention with the tender closeness Rose and Scorpius seem to be having. I'm intrigued to see more of it and to see how they developed this relationship.
You have much you can improve on as you add to this story. Especially with description and detail. Describe everything you see in your mind's eye as you write because unless you tell us we can't see what you see. It will add enormously to your story.
Finally, every first chapter has a great potential to be an incredible story. It's how much dedication and novelty you bring to the story that determines how much reader's will love your story. Since your summary states its about Rose and her friends entering 5th year and battling a new Dark Lord you have a lot of freedom to write in your comfortable zone start there and build up your story.
Good luck. I do hope you don't give up on this just yet :)
~Pen2Paper. Report Review
It's taken me a while to get back to this story but I'm so glad I'm finally here. Things get better and better with each chapter and it truly feels like a serious. Each episode more thrilling and exciting than the one before.
I really loved this chapter so much so that I had to go to the next chapter to see what happened to our dear characters before coming back here to review.
The level of detail, believable reality and structure you bring to each chapter is mind-blowing. Each character in your story has undergone equally huge and so drastically different changes since the end of the war. You've done a masterful job developing the characters from the teenagers they were to the grown men and women in your story.
I really really love how realistic everything is in your story and gives me so much to look up to. You've done very well once again describing a new face of an old character. Draco was everything I expected as post-war grown man. I love the relationship he has with his wife and how protective he is of her and his family. It's just flawless expression! Truly magnificent.
Hermione and Astoria, again so realistic. People who stay as distant as possible to avoid clashing. But when they find a common interest especially in the safety of their kin, they abandon that line and come together to find a solution.
The action packed short sequence of the Magical Records division was also very well done. (I was doubting Mr Bad-Toupee the moment things looked fishy!) You did that part with great flair. Well done indeed.
Draco's anxiety, helplessness and inner torment at the end was perfect. I have to commend you on leaving with a cliffhanger designed to make reader quickly hammer down on the next chapter button. :)
You've done extremely well in this chapter. It keeps climbing high up the charts with a wonderfully engaging plot. Keep them coming and good luck with the future chapters! :)
till next time.
~Pen2PaperAuthor's Response: Hello, again!
I'm glad you enjoyed this so much. Sorry about the nasty cliff-hanger, but I like to keep readers interested.
I'm overjoyed that you find everything believable. That's something I really strive for in my writing. Nothing turns me off to a story faster than getting partway through it and thinking, "this isn't even remotely plausible."
I've tried hard to age the characters in a realistic fashion, which is often easier said than done. It's impossible to know what will be considered "normal" behavior for witches and wizards in their 60's by the time the 2040's roll around. A lot of it you just have to make up as you go along, which is challenging but also liberating.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. Til next time... Report Review
It's Pen2Paper from the forums here with your requested review.
I'm so sorry it's taken such a long time to get this review out but my multitasking capacity has been maxed out these past few weeks and I've been incredibly busy.
Anyways onto your review. Overall your chapter is warm, familiar and a joy to read. It is so nice the way you brought back to life the supporting characters JK Rowling described in the books. I would have liked to see a bit more of Fred and George but that's alright, this chapter was well written and I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Your structure and content is good, although there was less happening here the chapter still felt full and thorough.
Flow and pace were perfect and the descriptions were well balanced and nicely presented.
It was really nice to visualise everything you described, especially at the library scene which was the main focus I think and was given exceptional detail.
I love love love, how realistic you've kept the whole thing.
With Alicia turning over her shoulder to look at the door to see if Lora was coming over. etc things like that really made this chapter very believable.
Also it is nice how you've conveyed with a few short choice words how close the three friends are with Angie saying that they knew Lora's best friend spot was filled over building blocks and wax crayons. Very nice touch. It really brings out how deeply they understand each other and fits your OC perfectly between Angie and Alicia! Very very nicely done!
Additional appearance of Lee Jordan was perfect and entertaining. He was exactly as I remember him from the books ( as were Alicia and Angie) with his comic flair and sarcasm. I love it! You've done a wonderful job keeping all the characters Canon and for that I highly commend you and your excellent writing skill. Especially Angie I feel is written well and although this is the first time I'm reading a story about them I have to admit I'm very intrigued about her story.
Alicia's reaction to Lee asking to ask Eddie out for her was priceless.
All in all nothing but good things to say about this chapter. You've obviously put in a lot of thought and constructed your chapters well.
Good luck with future Chapters. Hope you keep up the good work!
~Pen2PaperAuthor's Response: Hey! Never feel the need to apologize for being busy!! I totally understand. I'm just glad to see your review and to hear that you're enjoying the story so far!! I can see how you may want to see more Fred and George in the body of these chapters, but they are told from Angelina's POV and so unless the twins are with her, they won't be appearing in the chapter in order to maintain the integrity of my third person limited pov. Description is one of my favorite facets of writing. I always am a bit nervous about overdoing it, so hearing thatyou enjoyed it and found it to be effective for the chapter is awesome and a half!! I've had a lot of fun characterizing the minor characters here!!
Thank you so much for your review!! I really appreciate it
Melissa Report Review
Its Pen2Paper from the forums with your requested review. Sorry it's taken a while. Anyways here goes.
You had several concerns and I will try to address them all to the best of my ability.
Summary: It's a good summary, short and sweet. :) It's vague but intriguing. A very general line about love and its power. It does give the reader an idea what to expect in your story but you could make it more hmm... how I say this, magnetic? Something that sparks the interest of the reader and draws them in?...
Now onto your story.
Format: Your third person narrative shifting focus from one character to another was very nicely done, I haven't come across many stories with that dynamic in their story but it really adds something to the story. Good job! :)
You've generally done very well here.However at times there are some uneven spaces between paragraphs and the part where focus shifts from Sirius to Jane there is a make-shift divider that you've used which you an replace with the one provided by word processor for consistency. Other than those very minor issues you've done well!
Description: You've got a good level of description going, especially in physical attributes of the characters, eyes hair etc and also mannerisms strikingly in Sirius which all really help to bring out the characters in your story. You've done very well in this aspect of your writing.
You can however improve description of your setting. It is difficult often to find the balance between too much detail and too little, so put in what you feel about the setting, time of day, lighting, ambiance, emotion, etc etc when you're writing a scene. Once you finish read it out loud and see if the descriptions distract from the flow of the scene. If not you're doing fine, if it is then condense them into short and clear sentences to help visualise what's happening and remove the unnecessary details.
Well, not too much had happened in this chapter. Which is understandable since it is just the start. You've introduced the characters strongly and established their relationship. Plot wise it is interesting to see how they interact with each other. The last bit with the futuristic vision was very intriguing and i was very curious to know what that would lead to. So you've got a good plot going. Keep it up and build on it. Give your characters capacity to mature over time as your story progresses.
Characterization: You've introduced only three of the Marauders. Be sure to include Peter too. He often gets completely erased during the Marauder stories that it is like he never existed. I myself don't like Peter but to bring up your story's credibility give him an appearance now and then.
Your Remus and Sirius came across as quite stereotypical. Tortured, modest and studious Remus Vs. Mischievous, attention-loving playboy Sirius.
Its not a bad thing to start a story on familiar ground where readers can quickly relate to the characters from the books. But as you build on these characters make sure they are more realistic with dynamic personalities. There's got to be more to Sirius than chasing girls right? And Remus had to have his hand in the classic pranks that made him part of the group? and also give emphasis to how they are as individuals and how they are as a group.
It was nice how you said Remus sort of envied the confidence Sirius had because he never had it, that was very realistic and helped to bring out his character. I hope you see what I mean.
OC, Jane was very well depicted and I can't wait to see what you have planned for her. She's instantly likable although being Lily's best friend you might want to be wary of her becoming a Mary-Sue. So far, she's great! I really like her.
James: not much to say as we didn't get to meet him much but it was surprising to see him reduced to tears by Lily. Definitely a new turn of events!
Lily: She too wasn't very different from the girl we knew from the books but she does have much potential to be anything you wish with the way you've created her in your story.
Overall you've got a very promising story on your hands and one with great potential. I do hope you continue to bring the same level of dedication you have for this chapter and I hope you build well on the strong foundation you've created here. Well done indeed.
Best of luck with the story.
~Pen2PaperAuthor's Response: Hi!
Sorry my response is so late. I wrote this big long response the other day and then my computer crashed before I got a chance to submit it.
So let's try this again. I think the summary is very important in actually getting readers to the story. Because on HPFF, you can't help but judge a book by it's cover. I'll maybe go on to the forums for help on making it a little more magnetic :)
I'm glad you like the way the story switches from one perspective to another. This was a big concern of mine, as it can kind of detract from the flow of the story sometimes.
I've replaced that makeshift divider with a normal one (I don't know how that happened, lol), and I have tried to close up large spaces for better readability. It was an awful mess.
Thanks for complimenting my character descriptions :) makes me all fuzzy inside. And I certainly agree about the lack of description when it comes to the scenery etc. I'll keep your tip in mind.
I've got the future of my characters all mapped out, and they have a lot of personal growth happening throughout. I don't think anyone can live through a war like that and be unchanged.
I'll definitely be introducing Peter in the second chapter. His absence from Chapter One is actually part of the story line. So, never fear. I haven't left him out completely :)
I don't think James was always as cool, calm and collected as he made out. I think behind all that, he was just a big softy.
Lily: Like I said before, I've got the characters all figured out, and there's more to Lily than being a grumpy, bookworm. James must have seen something else in her, beyond that. He wouldn't have doted for years over just a pretty face.
Thanks so much for your opinions and advice. I'll keep everything you've said in mind during the rest of my story.
Have a lovely day! Report Review
It's Pen2Paper from the forums with your review as requested :) I'm so sorry for the terribly long delay but I'm finally here so lets get to it.
Overall. Your chapter reads very well, your flow and pace is very good and the chapters flows seamlessly. Introduction bit was also well done, it's a nice refreshment to meet a character (her mother) who is uncomfortable in the magical world and doesn't just embrace it completely! Very believable, bonus points!
Your main character. In one word, intriguing. This is what I gathered about her in this chapter. She is very perceptive, and tends to absorb a lot more details from the surroundings than the average person. She is headstrong but also subdued, as in she rarely speaks out of turn but she isn't afraid to speak her mind when she feels its necessary. This is a very nice paradoxical quality to have in your OC and will really take you far from Mary-Sue land, but it can be hard to pull off so take extra care to maintain this subtle trait in her character in the future. She seems like a very loyal person. Despite her obviously noticing Sirius in all his six-foot-something-self she does not allow her thoughts to waver even for a second toward him, that's very Gryffindor of her. Well done creating Keira I must say she's an impressive and thought provoking character.
Description. Hmm... here is both your strength and your weakness. You have AMAZING talent for description. It is rare to find a person who is so talented in description that they can literally paint a picture with their words in the reader's mind. However you do also tend to be too elaborate in some of these descriptions. To give a rough idea where to be elaborate and where to not I would say try to keep the descriptions short and clear when conversation is taking place.
When she has flashbacks, or she's describing a place for the first time then go into great detail. This will really help the story and sentence structure more.
Your characterizations are very well done. But just to let you know all your characters do not need to be described and completed head to toe at the very beginning of their introduction to the story. There is nothing wrong with it, of course! I'm just saying it'll flow better if you allow room throughout the chapter to develop the character.
Its also a fantastic plus point if you can 'show' instead of 'tell'. Most of what the characters are like becomes apparent with how your character interacts with them and perceives them. You've done well in this aspect and I hope you continue with it.
In general its a very good opening Chapter. Very believable and entertaining prank. So like the Marauders to do something like that. You've done very well setting up the story, now I hope you continue to build on this :) Well done. I hope this review helped. Please take the advice as just that because honestly I do not mean it as criticism!
Best of luck with future chapters. :)
~Pen2PaperAuthor's Response: No, no! This is wonderful help. I either fall flat on my face, or just manage to keep my head above water with description, so all feedback/advice is hugged to death and fed cookies through my computer.
Thank you :) I'll certainly look back over this and see where I can edit it to make it run smoother.
Thanks so much, and don't worry about how long it took you to get around to me. You put thought into the review, and it's worth waiting for, haha.
Thanks so much, I hope you don't mind if I re-request?
- Adele :) Report Review
Hey again :)
I'm back with another raving review! :D What can I say, you continue to amaze me with your words. Seriously where do you get such talent!? :) Well I have to tell you I for one am blown away by your writing.
This was a refreshing change from the post-Ginny's death theme that was foregrounding the previous chapters. Plus it was nice to be back in Hogwarts again although there wasn't too much detail in a few works you managed to put me back at home.
Artie. LOVE him. I'm not sure if you intended it or not but I see a bit of James I in Artie and I gotta love that. He's a wonderful character and I love everything from the name you've chosen to the words you put in his mouth. If only we could get to have a few more physical details of him and celeste. I do look forward to seeing more of him in future chapters.
The centre theme of DADA and training these kids was exceptionally well done. You had Harrys own decendents take the fall and two new OCs. Risky move, but boy did it pay off. That was excellent right there. It strayed far from being cliche and gave you double points for making the story realistic and believable. I have to highly commend you on that.
Your work is clearly excellent both in structure and content. You have undoubtedly put in hours of dedicated work to create each chapter and it's really beginning to show. The plot is developing and I can also see your other characters quickly taking form. Neville especially was a nice addition to the story.
However, I'd like to mention that for no apparent reason I was reminded of Fudge a few times during Harry's interaction with Neville. Considering that Fudge was always a flustered man with little backbone I was a little surprised and wondered if it may have anything to do with their interaction. I just thought I'd bring it to your attention just as rather minor detail, nothing to worry at all. I'm only sorry I cannot pin point exactly what was it that felt our of sorts. Maybe it was just me though.
The only other thing I wanted to bring to your attention was the Muggle Studies issue. I don't see why the pure-bloods should have such a problem with the curriculum since the subject is not compulsory and is only chosen by those willing to learn it. I'm not sure if I was missing something obvious but I thought I'll just let you know all the same.
Duelling. There is really is no other word for it. It was COOL! :) I hope that you continue to bring that level of intelligent imagination and visualization to your future chapters because it really sets your story apart from the rest. I really don't need to say it at this point, this is the glorious result of an extraordinary effort.
10/10 keep em coming :)
~Pen2PaperAuthor's Response: Hi, there!
First of all, thanks for all the kind words. It's wonderful to hear that people are enjoying the story. It makes the battles with writer's block seem worthwhile.
I certainly had to lighten the mood after the previous two chapters. It's not just tough to read that sort of thing, it's a but depression to write, as well. I'll see how many of Harry and Ron's grandchildren I'm able to work in, but I don't want to overdo it, because there are an awful lot of them. I feel like I'm walking a line between wanting to broaden the universe and not wanting it to become impossibly confusing.
Muggle Studies... yes, it's definitely an elective, but that doesn't mean it can't be controversial. The pure bloods are concerned about any non-magical influence on their children, even if it's indirect. That's just how these people think.
And the dueling lessons were incredibly fun to write. I'm glad you enjoyed them.
Thanks so much for continuing to read and review. I'll definitely re-request! Report Review
So I'm here with your requested review. I'm sorry its taken such a long time to get this review out but the past few months have been increasingly crazy. Anyway I'm finally here with your review. Lets get to it.
Your concerns in this chapter were characterization and flow. I will also give you a general overlook of how I felt about it.
I haven't read the previous installment to this story "The Potter Boys and the Enchantment of Redheads" so I couldn't make any connection to it (since this a spin off) if there were any. Having said that I think this was a pretty good first chapter for a stand alone story.
You didn't have too much happening in the first chapter, it's more like getting acquainted with Lily who I'm assuming is the main character of the story. So plot wise there was really nothing to comment on. I do hope since you've established the character pretty well in this chapter you concentrate on building the plot and maintaining the characters essence in the future chapters.
Alright, flow. Well the flow was generally good. There were some instances where some words were missing and that sort of distracted from the story sometimes. eg. "It's not like I've heard it before" I think you meant, "It's not like I haven't heard it before" stuff like that. Nothing major, a quick review or beta would help clear it all up.
Spacing was good and chapters were well constructed. I should tell you though that in an attempt to get the "hard" nature of your character into description you tend to repeat yourself a bit. This sort of disrupts the flow at times and also becomes a little repetitive. These are things you can easily fix by going back and reading the story again.
Characterization. It is clear that you are bold and defiant with your characterization of Lily. You do of course have free reign here and the character you've created is very unique and different from any other version I've ever seen before. It is a bold risk to create an anti-hero as a main character because her attitude and strong personality may not appease all readers but on the other hand with dedication you can pull off a wonderfully unique story with this character.
To me Lily strikes as an odd egg coming from her parents personalities. But it is entirely possible for her to have such strong demeanour since she has been born into fame and possibly has her mother's fiery temper. She seems very concerned about her appearance, at times it comes across as a little vain, which is then quickly distracted by her bullying personality. It will be interesting to see how you develop Lily's character and where you plan to take her story.
It is nice that you have included that she does not always win and in fact she lost to her cousin Rose. Her respect for her adversary shows and integral quality in Lily that may have otherwise been overlooked or masked by her sarcasm and sharp tongue.
I am unsure of how you planned to portray Lily but I hope that what I've seen in her is what you hoped for and helps you to further develop her character.
Good work, hope you keep it up! :)
Best of luck.
~Pen2PaperAuthor's Response: Yay! LONG REVIEW! Thank you so much!!! I love writing about my version of Lily, even though it's hard for people to stomach. This story is basically about her reform. She is one of the most flawed characters with a very skewed interpretation of the world. But with some magic and love and reality checks, she'll come to terms. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll go back and fix those things!!! Report Review
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