I am completely and totally in love with this story. I absolutely love your style, and your The Smiths references. Can't wait for the fifth Rebecca!
10/10 Report Review
Hello again! I really enjoyed this chapter. I like your characterization of Dumbledore, and I like that now not only are there parallels between William and Harry, but there are definite parallels between William and Dumbledore (unless I'm totally reading everything incorrectly, and if that is the case, feel free to disregard everything I've said.) I'm really enraptured by your story, and I'm so glad it has been far from disappointing (it's excellent so far), I got really excited when I saw the summary, all I could think about was "OOOH WWII AND HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE YES." Anyway, I'll definitely be keeping up with this story, I can't wait to see where you take it! Have a great holiday,
SaraAuthor's Response: Heya, me again, I said most of what I wanted to say in my first response but it's only polite I thank you twice for two reviews :D
Thanks again and have a good Christmas!
Art Report Review
Hello! I came across this story on the forums today, and since your summary mentioned WWII, I couldn't help but check it out, since my focus in history is that era. So far, from just this first chapter, I really like what I've read! It mixes the reality and horrors of war with the fantastical idea of magic and the wizarding world. I like that there are parallels between William's situation and Harry's. They both are in miserable situations and they both have an opportunity to get out by medium of Hogwarts. I'm impressed with your description-typically I avoid or skim purple prose or too much unnecessary description in stories (I'm a huge fan of Hemingay, so that should tell you a lot) but yours was just the right amount of description to really show the horrors of war, especially for civilians in England. (I was actually watching a special on the Battle of Britain yesterday, which happened 4 years before the setting of your story, but it's an interesting coincidence.) I'm really interested to see what happens with William, and if he decides to go to Hogwarts or stay in London. Keep up the good work! On to the next chapter,
SaraAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review, it's nice to hear that someone else shares a similar interest. Most of my interest in the World Wars comes from my my Dad who was in the RAF Regiment so hence my choice to link the RAF motto and the story. Hopefully the first thing that will happen once the queue re-opens will be the next chapter going up so I hope I can keep up the standard.
Art Report Review
You definitely updated this sooner than I was expecting, as I was planning on finally reviewing Ch 4 today. But since I saw that you updated again, I'll just review this one, if that's all right.
Anyway, Dorcas annoys me a bit. Constantly grouchy people just shouldn't have human interactions; that would make life so much sweeter. Which means I should probably remain a hermit forever, as I am a rather grouchy person irl. :p
I can't decide how Lily made me feel in this chapter. I'm on the line between rooting for her and being a bit annoyed with her. James is a prick, so she should just stop liking him, but when you like someone, you can't just stop, so I feel bad for her in that regard. She can't help her feelings, and that's what is making her miserable. Why doesn't James trust her? I don't understand that a bit, and if it's blatant and I've missed it, feel free to point out my mistake. Haha. I still like Lily though, fyi.
I like your Sirius. I think I've told you that before. I don't think the conversation was rushed or anything, just ambiguous 'cause Sirius wasn't answering her questions. Understandable though, since he's just trying to protect his best mate. But Sirius seems like a genuinely good guy.
I'm glad Lily is still going to dinner though! I figured she'd back out, I'm glad to see she isn't going to.
But you have gotten me extremely curious about James' distrust of her. I'm really upset that there isn't another chapter to read, haha. (:
Oh, and I must admit, I kind of like the old summary better. But either one works. (:
Good job as always! Sorry the review kinda sucked, I haven't reviewed anything in a while, so I'm a bit rusty.Author's Response: I know! I was so so so proud of myself for getting this out in such a short amount of time (compared to normal), and I'm glad that you're not too upset with me ;P I'm happy to get any reviews, believe me.
Dorcas annoys me too :D I wanted Lily's friends to be as flawed as she is, so...voila, grumpy annoying Dorcas. Don't worry; she has her good moments too (not any that are coming up soon, though...) And no to you being a hermit! Who would I have a constant wall-to-wall conversation with on the forums then? D:
It's good that you're iffy (I use that word a lot, hm) about Lily, because I think this is sort of an iffy situation - fancying some stranger, that is. It's cute, it's romantic, ect., but at the same time, it's bizarre and unrealistic and completely childish. At least, that's what makes me feel iffy about her feelings. Haha, I should hope that the reason James doesn't like Lily isn't blatantly obvious yet; when you do (officially) find out, it'll be pretty out in the open and like, "James hates Lily because of such-and-such", y'know? It might be a while till that, though, because I have a feeling that desire to find out why is what motivates most people to keep reading this ;)
Thank you! You have, but I can never hear it enough :D That seems to be the general consensus, so thank you for soothing my concerns. He is a good guy, I think, but like James his ideas are a bit...muddled.
I wish Lily wasn't going out with them :/ I know that sounds bizarre but I'm absolutely dreading sitting down and trying to write the next chapter. Blegh. Glad that you're properly intrigued by this story :D
Thanks for your opinion! I might end up changing it back; I dislike both of them equally as much because I'm really picky :/ Hopefully I can think up something actually decent for a summary, though.
Not at all. All your reviews are spectacular :) Thank you so much!
Okay, so I know it's been ages since I last reviewed, but I figured since this was the last chapter, I really ought to review it. And I really want to.
I admit, I'm sad. I'm not devastated, and I'm not crying, but I am sad. But I'm also slightly happy, and you know why?
Because this was the best way you could have ended it.
If you had broken them up, I probably would have been really mad and upset and the story wouldn't be as good to me. But it's still excellent, of course.
So the fact that you killed her off is a fairly good thing. It just gives Sirius another reason for being so sad later in life. It's also more realistic this way, well to me it is.
I am sad to see that this is over, but congratulations on finishing a very long story. And becoming famous (on the internet, lol) for it. And having people love your story, which of course they do.
Good job. (:Author's Response: Hi Sara! Thanks for the review!
You know, I'm really pleased that you feel this way, because I thought it was the only real ending, too. I remember telling my husband that I was killing off my main character and he chastised me for killing any chance of a sequel, but really, it couldn't be any other way, could it? Especially when you think about the Sirius we know from canon. So thanks again. :)
As for being famous (on the internet), well isnt' there an HPFF t-shirt that says just that? "I'm famous on the internet." Maybe I should buy myself one :D
cheers, Mel Report Review
I loved this chapter! I love the beginning, it served as a double entendre (not sure if that was intentional or not, I'm sure it was) and it seriously had me giggling like a little girl.
Oliver and Kendra are cute as a not quite couple. And I think they out to wait a little longer before they tell anyone, so they can really decide if they should stay together or not.
I thought it was a little annoying of Kendra to get upset over the fact that their tryout days were the same. Also, one time you said 'audition' and that sounds a bit awkward. Just stick to tryout, haha.
Oh, and I forgot to mention in the last chapter that the spacing was a bit of an issue. There was a lot of spacing between everything and it was a little unpleasant to read it that way. Not really a big deal though.
Anyway, their little date thing at the end was really cute! Oliver deserved the point, again.
Can't wait until you post another chapter!Author's Response: The beginning was intentional :) I thought it would funny since they had only become a couple the previous chapter.
Kendra has a good reason for getting upset about the tryouts being the same day. First, she's a bit conceited, and she loves being the center of attention. Second, there's a bigger reason, but you don't get to learn that until the next chapter.
I'm sorry about the spacing, I was in a hurry to get it submitted, and it was being a pain to fix.
I thought they need a cute little date to make up for the awkwardness of they've had.
Thank you so much of all of your reviews! I really appreciate it!
Karli Report Review
Woot, they're together! This was a good chapter, all throughout. At first I thought it was odd of Oliver to invite Kendra to his house for the holidays, but of course this was cleared up by the fact that the whole team was going.
And the parts when Oliver was asking which china and napkins to use had me cracking up. I don't know why, that was just really funny.
I liked the interaction between Alicia and Kendra at the end, it made me laugh, and it seemed like two real life best friends.
Can't wait to read the next chapter, and I seriously can't even imagine what's going to happen to them as a couple.Author's Response: I thought it was funny to put all the time at the Wood's house for the holidays. I also thought it was a good opportunity to see Oliver's mom, and to see how different she was from Kendra's mom.
Haha. I enjoyed that part. He was so awkward about it, which made it hilarious to me.
I'm glad you thought Kendra and Alicia were realistic :)
Thank you so much for the review!
Karli Report Review
So this seemed like just a bit of a filler chapter, except for the whole breaking up with Lucas thing, which I applaud you for.
Just curious, is this line supposed to say 'look so chipper'? I think you're just missing a word. No big deal.
'I walked back over to my mirror and finished putting on my mascara. I frowned at my reflection Ė she didnít so chipper either.'
Anyway, I don't really have much to say this time, it was a good chapter as always! Hopefully I'll actually have something of substance to say in the next review. :pAuthor's Response: Yeah, it was a bit of a filler chapter. But things need to be somewhat normal after their epic first kiss.
Yes, the line is suppose to be 'look so chipper', but it sounds a bit awkward, so maybe I'll change it.
Thanks for the review!
Karli Report Review
Why are Lucas and Kendra back together? I would love it if you just got rid of him, like now.
Oh, I felt like I ought to mention that there were a couple of typos in the chapter. Nothing major, just skim it over, you'll find them.
Loved the Quidditch match by the way. Usually matches annoy me a bit, but you didn't go overboard with description or anything so I found it entertaining to read.
Kendra's mom is definitely a piece of work. I can see why Kendra gets frustrated with her so much. But I'm glad we got some insight into Kendra's past. It's nice to know more about the main characters.
And finally, Oliver and Kendra had their first kiss together! Of course, this complicates things, as Kendra is with, unfortunately, Lucas.
Another good chapter (I say this every time, but it's the truth)Author's Response: Thanks, I'll check the chapter over for mistakes :)
Writing about matches bore me...unless something of substance is happening, it doesn't need to be mentioned.
I adore Kendra's mom. I love all of my characters (minus Lucas), but her mom cracks me up. She's like an extreme version of Kendra, which is why I love her.
I do hope you enjoyed their first kiss.
Karli Report Review
Hello again! Fun chapter, woo!
I hate pointing out mistakes because I feel critical, but this is just a little thing I think you've overlooked. In one of the opening paragraphs, you spelled chagrin like chargin. Just a typo, I'm sure, but it's probably one you didn't notice.
Okay, that's it! Hahah.
Anyway, I loved this chapter. I take back what I said about Kendra and Oliver moving too fast, because I really don't think they are. I think Oliver likes Kendra more than Kendra likes Oliver at the moment anyway.
And I love Alicia. You didn't make her the typical Alicia that everybody else does, you know? And she snogged my favorite Weasley twin. (:
I liked the Oliver/Kendra interaction at the end. I'm glad Kendra didn't let him kiss her, even though she kind of wanted him to.
But why is Lucas back? I'm kind of frustrated about that.
And Oliver definitely deserves that point.
Another great chapter!Author's Response: Don't worry about pointing out mistakes :) I tend to overlook small things like that, but it helps when someone points them out.
Oliver likes Kendra more than Kendra likes Oliver because I think Oliver is a little more mature than Kendra. He realizes that he's attracted to her, and I think he's dealing with it rather than denying it like Kendra.
Alicia is a fun character to write. She's a bit one-dimensional, but she plays an important role in Kendra' life.
Lucas needs to help Kendra mature, so we'll just have to deal with him for a little bit :)
Karli Report Review
Okey dokie, I am so glad Lucas and Kendra broke up! I can't believe what I wrote in one of my reviews about being sad when that happened. He's a serious jerk.
The only problem I see with this chapter is that it feels like Oliver and Kendra are moving sort of fast. Unless this story will be relatively short. If that's the case, then it's fine. Oh, and in the second chapter I think it is, you mention that Lucas has green eyes, but in this one, he has blue. Just a little continuity mistake.
Again, I like how canon you've kept everything. Even remembering that Alicia wasn't the same age as Oliver.
The flashbacks worked very while, by the way. Wasn't confused at all.
Oh! One thing I forgot to mention for the last chapter, I was going to suggest putting the letter from her mom, and any subsequent letters, in Italics. It makes it cleaner to read.
I think Oliver legitimately wins the point for taking good care of Kendra, BUT the point should go to Kendra anyway for all the stuff she had to go through in this chapter. She deserves the point.
Great chapter again!Author's Response: Well, I'm glad that you liked Lucas at first, and then hated him. It's kind of how Kendra felt about him. I think everyone has that experience where you like the person until you realize what kind of person they are.
Kendra and Oliver move a little faster in this chapter because of their attraction. They both have this undeniable attraction to each other, which is only intensified by their intoxication. But there's much more to come, so don't worry. I'll fix the blue-green mistake.
I'm glad you liked the flashbacks. I had fun being creative with my writing style.
Thank you so much for the review!
Karli Report Review
Hello again! Another fun chapter, and another one that I realized I already read. :P
Didn't find any mistakes or anything in this one, but you don't seem to have any trouble with grammar or spelling or punctuation which makes me even more excited to continue reading.
I like that, though Wood and Kendra don't like each other, you don't make them necessarily hostile. At least not until they get on the pitch. They're relatively civil to each other, not screaming at each other like mad people all the time.
The meeting with McG was realistic, you captured her character well.
So I actually like Lucas a bit less now, believe it or not! Haha. I mean, he's not a badly developed character, I just like his personality less now that we've seen more of him. This is good though, since it makes Oliver look better.
Another good chapter! (:Author's Response: I really try to have good grammar and punctuation, so please let me know if you find anything :)
I think it would be a bit ridiculous if Wood and Kendra yelled at each other all the time. They don't like each other, but they know how to put up with each other.
I love McGonagall. If I were a teacher, I would be just like her.
Thank you so much for the review!
Karli Report Review
Hi again! I think I've actually read these opening chapters before, they seem familiar. But that's okay, reading them again refreshes my memory of them and makes for a better review!
There was only one mistake I noticed and trust me, I do it all the time. You forgot a period at the end of this passage. :p 'The rest of team looked as thrilled as I did at this miserable nighttime practice. I think it might have been after curfew. Actually, scratch that. With how long practices were, the sun might be begin coming up in a couple minutes'
You say Kendra is fun to write, I bet she is! She's an interesting character to read. She's snarky, I like that. And she's slightly conceited, which makes her realistic.
Her boyfriend seems like such a nice guy! I'm going to hate it when Kendra ends up with Wood and he gets dumped. But I love Oliver Wood, so I won't mind it too much.
Also, you kept Harry in here! You're trying to stay close to canon (other than getting rid of a Chaser so Kendra could be one, but that's okay) which is nice. (:
Anyway, good chapter again!Author's Response: Thanks for catching that. I'll be sure to change it after the next chapter gets up.
Kendra definitely has her flaws. I try not to make her a perfect character, and it's so much fun to make her stuck up :)
Her boyfriend can be nice...we'll see.
I do try to stick close to canon as possible. If it goes too off of canon, I get confused, and then my readers get confused. And I love Harry, so he'll pop up from time to time.
Thanks for the review!
Karli Report Review
Hi there! I'm on a review mission, and decided to start reading and reviewing your story (it's been in my favorites for ages.)
First off, this was a nice introduction. Giving us those flashbacks set up the story nicely. I like that your main OC is a Chaser, rather than a Seeker (as they all seem to be nowadays.) I like her personality pretty well too. She's not obnoxious or anything, just really passionate about what she loves.
Your writing style is understated, I like that. No superfluous embellishments. And your character's voice has a nice amount of humor to it, and that makes her more real.
So far so good! On to the next chapter. (:Author's Response: Hello :) Thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate it!
I'm not exactly a flashback fan, but I think it's the best way to set up Oliver and Kendra's relationship.
I try to write as straightfoward as possible. I don't like reading stories that have more decorative words than actual substance. I love making Kendra sarcastic, and it helps me enjoy writing the story. Thanks again!
Karli Report Review
FannyPrice, you are one of my favorites. Of all things that could be favorited.
This was the best story. . . you had me smiling the entire time!
Best line: "Traveling by Floo powder was like being on a really fast merry-go-round for far too long, like when your Mummy is calling you to come inside but you insist on staying on the merry-go-round until you finally get off when she threatens no TV for the night but then you fall down because you are so dizzy."
I also loved how Vicky called Teddy "Teddy Bear." TOOO cute.
I hope you update soon! I can't handle the cliff hanger!
This is going in my favorites for sure.Author's Response: Oh, yay! I'm so glad that you liked this story so much! i'm terribly sorry for the delay in response, ive been both horrifically busy and lazy. :(
I love that line, too!
Update coming soon-ish.
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Hey there! Rocket here with the review you requested at the forums. Dreadfully sorry about how long I took to get to this, but life's just been crazy.
Anyway, on to the review. I actually really enjoyed this, which was a nice break from the usual stories I have to read, haha.
I didn't notice any grammar/spelling issues, being the grammar control freak that I am, but I also wasn't really looking for any. But I see you've been beta'd twice, so there are probably no mistakes at all.
I liked this plot idea. I can't believe it took you 5 months to write it! I don't have that kind of devotion, I just write and post, haha.
The main thing that kind of bothered me about this was James' narration at the beginning. It becomes a lot more believable as the story goes on. There's something odd about the way his thoughts work. Maybe it has to do with the couple of exclamation points? I don't really yell in my own head, so I guess that's why it's weird to me. Like here. "This was wrong. We are just friends; I wasnít supposed to be feeling this way. Oh blankity blank (not 12+, haha), now Iím becoming a pansy too!" Something about that is slightly off.
Other than that, I felt the rest of it was pretty strong. Your tense got a little confusing, because you'd go from 'is' to 'was' but it wasn't anything I couldn't figure out.
Is there any chance of a sequel? I'd like to read it! Haha.
I would say 'feel free to re-request' but I'm closing the thread. :/
SaraAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing this! I simply ADORE Baby Steps! :)
I'm making this a short-story, not writing a sequel.
A sequel would never do justice to this! ;)
Anyway, I'll work on all that you've pointed out!
Ak~ Report Review
Hey there! Rocket here, with the review you requested (how long has it been now?) at the forums. I am truly sorry for the obscene amount of time this has taken me, but it's senior year and life is hectic (though it shouldn't be!)
Anyway, let's get started with the review. Thanks for requesting a one shot, I don't get nearly enough of those. I also liked that your Next Gen kids weren't older teenagers or anything. In my story they are, but it's refreshing to read something told from a different age, you know?
This was a challenge piece, yeah? You did a good job with it. I don't know what the rules or anything were, but I liked how you made it your own. If this was a kiss in the rain thing, I liked it. I liked how they were 14 and it wasn't some passionate kiss thingy, the kisses were accidental. Except the last one.
I didn't really notice any grammar/spelling mistakes, but to be honest, I wasn't really looking. I only point them out if they're blatant, or if the author asks for them.
I noticed once where you forgot to space between some words. It was towards the beginning.
I would say 'feel free to re-request' but I'm closing the thread. I'm just too busy. :/
Thanks for requesting, I enjoyed reading it.
SaraAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! Better late than never. I hope that you get a break soon! I too thought that seniors were supposed to have the least amount of work...
I'm glad this worked out for you, and that you liked the ages. I didn't want to make them too old.
The reason I didn't make it really romantic was because a) they are only 14 and b) I am not good at writing romance.
Everyone wins. :3
Well, I'm glad that there weren't any glaring errors. But oh no! I'll try to find that spacing mistake and fix it as soon as I can. Thanks.
Well, like I said, I hope things calm down. Thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad that at least it was an enjoyable experience.
-AKABARA Report Review
Hey there! I finally got around to reading and reviewing this. I just haven't had time for HPFF the past couple of days.
Anyway, let me say that I loved this chapter. It's crazy to me how much I adore this story, even though it's only three chapters in, and we haven't even arrived at the serious romance portion yet! I don't think James has even really said a word.
I love your characterization of Sirius. Mischievous, with that perfect hint of darkness to his personality. Makes him believable as a person in general, and it represents the way Sirius probably was a young person.
Also, I usually dislike superfluous description; I think it's annoying because it seems as though the author is trying too hard. BUT I LOVE YOUR DESCRIPTION. I don't know what it is. . . there's just something about the way you use your words that really. . . makes a statement somehow. You put all these details together, and I should absolutely abhor it since I get bored easily, but the way you have written it is so professional. It feels like reading a legitimate novel. I think the main thing about your description that is so excellent to me, is the fact that it's not cliched description. Do you know what I mean? You're not using words and phrases and even weather description that you see so often in fiction.
The words are all yours. And that's nice.
It's embellished (in a nice way) but it's unaffected, and it's just so enjoyable!
Okay, so I didn't really address the chapter itself. . . well, I kind of did.
Anyway, I really like how you've got the blonde/brunette/redhead thing going. I may have mentioned that before. But a lot of authors do it, and it's one fiction staple that has never bothered me. Haha. I like Lily's newfound friendship with Sirius. I also like Lily's voice a lot. It's real; it speaks.
Let me just say that I am really excited for the next update, whenever that'll be.
Good luck with the next chapter, this one was excellent!
SaraAuthor's Response: Have I told you lately that I adore you? Probably not, but I do. And it's kind of funny because here I am responding to this and I'm about to go respond to your latest post on my profile (wall? I'm so used to facebook terms) so it's like having two separate conversations.
But anyway, you're amazing and so sweet. Bahaha, no, James hasn't said a word yet; I tried to write him into this chapter but it didn't work very well. his appearance seems very anticipated, so I'm actually terrified of writing him, but I know I'm going to have to fit him in sometime...he is, y'know, a main character and all that :P
And, honestly, your compliments make me feel like I'm Rowling herself. I'm very glad that you like my descriptions, though, and when I read the whole "it feels like reading a legitimate novel," I thought I would burst with happiness; it's just about the greatest compliment I've ever received. Or, so I thought, and then you followed that up with the whole "the words are all yours" thing and then the "it's real, it speaks" bit and I started crying (okay, not really, but that just seemed like an appropriate time to say that). Seriously, I love your reviews.
Sorry if this response was incoherent, but I'm still gushing with happiness and it sort of muddles my brain ;) I'll start on the next one...soon (yeah, I'm a procrastinator).
And, in case my compliments and endless adoration for you don't get the message across clearly enough, thank you (: You're awesome.
Sorry this took such a long time, FannyPrice! But I'm here, finally.
OMG, you killed Gemma? I actually like that ending, believe it or not. I don't always like things to have a happy ending, I like for them to have realistic ones, which this definitely was.
I also liked how you incorporated the deaths of Gideon and Fabian, too. Just adds more realism to Gemma's story.
I also liked the inclusion of the bracelet! I just liked this chapter a lot, it was a great way to go about ending this. I think it works better as a short story rather than a one-shot anyway.
Anyway, sorry this couldn't be longer, but I don't have any criticism for you!
Feel free to request some other stories sometime. (:
SaraAuthor's Response: No worries! i knew you'd get around to it eventually, and hey life is unfortunately busy.
Yeah, the first part of the story that came to mind was her death, which was inspired by the banner that sad, slightly surprised look like she knows she's going to die. Thats what i was trying to convey in this story. And realism is a big thing of mine. and I've always kind of wanted to write the death of Gideon and Fabian, so I'm glad you liked that!
I love to tie the beginnings of stories to the end and try to give it this cyclical effect which is what i was gunnin' for with the bracelet!
No problem with the length either; i'm so glad you enjoyed the story so much!! And I will!
Thanks so much for all the reviews!
Hey there! Rocket here with the review you requested.
I don't have any constructive crit, really. Grammar and spelling were both fine, but I read this rather quickly.
It's a next-gen, so yay! Haha, I love next-gens. I liked how you had James hex Rose, that's just really fun to me.
I liked the fact that Louis and Dom are twins.
The only thing I noticed was the characterization of Ron and Hermione. They seemed too. . . sweet and 'mummy and daddy' like. I don't know, I've never imagined them being parents like that.
The other characters are believable in the sense that they seem real, but since we don't really have anyone to base them off of (unless you count their parents) there's no OOCness there.
Anyway, sorry for the short review, but there wasn't really much to say!
Feel free to re-request when the queue isn't full.
SaraAuthor's Response: thanks so much for the review!
I love next gen too!
and thankyou for commenting on the ron/hermione thing. i wasn't sure about it, but i coudln't write it any other way, because i wanted like a foreshadowing scene, and i just coudln't get their dialogue down and it was really bothering me. so i will go back and fix that later.
and this review was short?! oh god, i most certainly will re-request later!
thanks so much again! Report Review
Hey there, Rocket here with the review you requested at the forums.
I'll start off with some CC (constructive crit) before I get to the rest of the review.
"James took a pick at the Marauders map and it showed a one Peitho Taylor using the same route." 'Pick' should read 'peek' and you do not need the 'a' in front of 'one'.
"There was no way she is a student here, James thought." You change tenses in this sentence. It shouldn't have 'was' and then 'is', it should have 'is' and 'is' or 'was' and 'was.' It would also help if you put the thought itself in italics.
"The cut of her robes accentuate the soft curves of her figure." This is in the present tense, and the rest of the paragraph is in past. It should say 'accentuated.'
"There was something about her that made him think, here comes another Veela mixed human" You left off a period after human, and because it's a thought, it should probably be in italics.
"No offence lady". Unless you are British and you spell offense with an 's' (which I'm not sure if you do there or not) then that should say 'offense.'
"Darn why had Fred forgotten his wand in Gryffindor." There's something a bit awkward about this. Firstly, it doesn't have a question mark at the end. Secondly, there should at least be a comma after 'darn' or a change in the phrasing.
"I do believe your grandfather is happy you have put it to great use just like he did with the other three markers.Ē I believe 'marker's should be 'makers'?
"Voldermort" I was actually not going to tell you what specific mistakes you made until I got to this one, and I just couldn't help it. I know you know how to spell it, but it's one of those typos that just makes me go 'gah!'
There are quite a few mistakes like that. They usually happen when one is typing too fast, and doesn't revise. Happens to me all the time, just give it a good once over, or request a beta.
Other than that, there weren't any real grammar mistakes. You made James' 18th birthday too big of a deal for the wizarding world, considering they become of age at 17, but it is of course your story, so you can write that however you want.
Anyway, the idea of this was pretty original, haven't really read anything like it.
Sorry if this review seemed like nothing but CC, wasn't supposed to be harsh, hope it didn't come across that way.
Feel free to re-request whenever I have a slot open.
SaraAuthor's Response: Yikes! I didn't see any of those mistakes. I appreciate you pointing them out. I can't believe you saw the missing period. That was some observation.
I've set my default language to United Kingdom since it is what we are taught in school.
I got Voldemort wrong!!! (I need to be kicked, stuffed in a crate and shipped to Azkaban).
I didn't mind the CC. I needed someone to see what I had missed.
The big deal with the birthday was because it was his last in Hogwarts. I was thinking about setting it for his seventeenth but knowing James. He wouldn't have forgiven anyone. I wouldn't.
I've gone through it again and made the changes. Thank you so much, Sara.
Finally, an update!! This chapter really refreshed all things 'Janelle's mind' for me, I missed her inner monologue. At least she finally realized she's in love with Sirius! I wish this story had more reviews, it deserves them!!
I loved the Sirius as a dog thing, following her around. We've all seen it done in fanfiction before, but there was something about the way you set it up that was just perfect, though I can't put a name on it.
And believe me, I know what you mean about scholarships, etc. Thankfully, I applied for college before I started my fiction (early notification FTW), but scholarships are still looming over my head!
Good luck with all that, and I honestly don't mind the wait at all, it's nice to just have an update. (:
Sara Report Review
Hello, love! Don't you just love this queue thing? I'm so excited, I wrote and posted Chapter 9 today.
Anyway, let me start this by saying this review will be neither sensible nor high class. I'm just going to review 14, 15, & 16 in this one review.
Chapter 14-I feel a bit blasphemous, but I LOVE HENRY! I really love them as a couple, it's wonderful, and the kiss scene at the end was a total swoon! And I love the name Henry. I have an adorable friend named Henry.
But I loved their interactions, and when he asked her if she was attracted to him, I sat there and thought to myself-"Sara, why can't you find a boy like this? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
I got frustrated that I don't know anyone as swoon worthy as your fictional character.
Okay, Chapter 15. Woo, scantily clad Next Generation boys!!! I loved that, I really did. Have you seen Aaron Johnson shirtless? (; Enough said.
Chapter 16-This feels like it's getting to the old flair your story used to have. It's becoming more light hearted and fun and that's good! And by fun I mean that Aiden yells at her friends. I'm so happy she did that, it was about time she got around to that. Albus has definitely needed a 'stern talking to' and I'm glad Aiden got fed up with it. There were some awesome one liner type things that Aiden said to James that are copyright worthy.
Overall, all three chapters were just awesome. I miss you Prav, I feel like I never talk to you anymore! Let's remedy this please?
10/10 Author's Response: I have missed you too!! Why haven't we been talking as much? I'm going to PM you right after this! I'm gonna go read chapter 9 as well! I had no idea you had updated!
I don't exactly wish for you to leave classy reviews, Sara. They just have to be Sara reviews :D
I'm glad you like Henry!! I really am! I love Henry too otherwise I wouldn't have written him. The thing is, as Aidan pointed out, she shouldn't have to wait around while James gets his act together because he's being a bit of a prat.
Scantily clad next gen boys are the stars of my fantasies and I just thought I'd share some of that :D
I really wanted Aidan to give everyone a firm talking to! Especially Albus because he needs to realize that you don't just ignore your best mate after you get a bloody girlfriend!! James will get his act together to some extent though. Don't worry about that :D
We WILL talk more, honey, I promise!! :)
Thanks so much for being here for me every time. And thanks for the review :D Report Review
Hey there! Sara here with the review you requested. Sorry it took so long, I've been completely swamped.
This chapter was a lot less sad than the other one. Well, let me rephrase that. Its sadness was a lot less direct. It was more hopeful, what with Fred still being alive, but still was melancholy because of Harry's . . . let's call it depression.
I thought all of your characterization of everybody was spot on. Particularly Molly. Her protectiveness of her children in this chapter is . . . well, it's perfect. She would be the one to faint on finding that Fred is still alive.
I also liked the interaction between Harry and McGonnagall. McG's characterization was spot on as well.
I loved how McG considers the Burrow as Harry's home, and considers Harry to be a part of the Weasley family.
Can't wait to see what happens with Fred!
I don't really have any criticism for you, this chapter was just as excellent as the other one.
Feel free to re-request when my queue is less full. (:
SaraAuthor's Response: Can I just say dito on the completely swamped thing and say we're totally even. No worries at all about being slow. :)
Thanks for the vote of confidence on the characterizations. This is the first Harry Potter anything I've written, so I did a lot of homework in the actual books before writing it, but I was still really worried to start posting it. I'm glad the homework paid off.
I love writing Molly and I just couldn't resist the one moment I could get away with having the woman who can scare grown men faint. It was too much of an opportunity to pass up.
McGonagall was hard to write, but I'm glad I did. I ended up really liking that scene between her and Harry. Thanks for noticing it!
Keep reading to find out what happens with Fred. I'll try to grab a spot in your queue when it's open.
Thanks so much for such a wonderful review! Report Review
Hey there! Rocket here again. (:
As you know, I greatly enjoy this story, I really do. I like how dark it is, I like your characterization, and I like how it fits with canon even though it's something you created. It could definitely have happened, and we don't know that it didn't.
The only thing that bothered me slightly about this was the pace. It felt a little rushed towards the end. I was left feeling a little confused about the time.
I do like, however, your characterization of Regulus, though he is only in the chapter briefly. He's so young and naive, which not enough people realize, I fear. You do a good job showing that, not only through description, but through his actions as well. For example, when he sees Gemma for the first time in the chapter. He's a young'n and has no way of venting and becoming stress free, except to have a . . . rendezvouz with Gemma. (:
I also appreciated the fact that, though you made Sirius and Regulus detest each other, you still mentioned that bond that the two of them inevitably and always will have. Having three siblings, 2 whole 1 half, I understand that thoroughly.
Anyway, though it was a tad rushed, I still really, really enjoyed this! I would go on and read the next chapter, but I am so swamped at the moment, so feel free to request chapter 3 when my queue is emptier.
Also, thanks for reviewing my story, I appreciated it!!
Sara.Author's Response: Hello! And thanks so much for another review! No problem about reviewing your story; it was quite enjoyable!
I think that last line of the first paragraph really sums up what I was trying to do with Gemma. I really wanted her to fit, like before there was Severus Snape there was Gemma Haig or something. So, thanks so much for that.
You thought it was rushed? Me, too. I think I definitely could have taken more time on that, and probably will elaborate more whenever I get around to editing this story.
I'm glad you're enjoying Regulus as well. He is one of my favorite characters to write, and to me he has always been a lost teenage boy. And, Gemma is definitely a balance for him.
I love writing sibling relationships! I have an older brother and sister (both half though I even forget that most of the time!) and there are few people in the world who I love more than them. I adore my brother to bits and bits, and my sister is practically my best friend. So, sibling relationships are something I feel very strongly about, and I believe it is also one of the things I enjoy so much about your story, too!
I think I already put in for Chapter 3, but I know what it is to be swamped, so I don't mind if it takes awhile! You're doing me a huge favor as it is, so take your time. Thanks again for the review!
FannyPrice Report Review
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