I'm here with your review from the 'Review the Above' topic. Alright let me start by saying once I saw the title (I read a lot of Shakespeare!) I couldn't resist reading this story, particularly after reading the summary, I love the imagery in the line you chose for it - and in particular how it relates so perfectly to the title which really gives the reader an excellent idea as to the sort of romance they'll find in this story before even beginning.
I love how you've split the story into two parts, with their meeting some time before they run into each other again, and in some ways it left me wondering whether she would meet the boy from the bookstore with his beautiful magic again, and I'm glad she did meet him again! Their relationship was interesting from the beginning and intriguing so it will be interesting to see how it develops particularly after that ending! (I also love your decision to place him in the Department of Mysteries, I see so few characters in stories working there!)
I noticed a couple of little things that I'll quickly mention, I think you need to make the separation between the past and the present a little more clear, I was slightly confused by the sudden jump despite the line separating them, perhaps a '4 years later' or something similar could help with this as for a while I believed she'd gone straight from the store to the Ministry. The only other thing I noticed was a small issue with tense in this line: The staff was completely negligent - 'was' should be 'were' as the rest of the paragraph was in the past tense, but aside from that the writing was lovely and I really noticed no other issues with grammar or spelling.
I really loved how you've chosen to open this story, while their attraction was obvious from the beginning how you've chosen to write this was really surprising and well done! When I get the time I'll come back to find out how what happens in the rest of the story because from this first chapter I can see it's going to be interesting.
~ ItSIDAuthor's Response: Thank you! :) I wrote this a while ago and I think I'd like to do an edit soon. I'll definitely keep your comments in mind! Report Review
It's InTheShadowsIDwell from the forums here with your RtPAY review. There was a lot I really liked about this little one-shot, and I think the biggest thing is how you managed to capture such an interesting moment, and this whole other side to James, the side that is completely, and totally in love with Lily in the space of a single chapter.
I really loved the sweetness of this chapter, and how in the end what he does to make her smile stays as his own little secret, something he can use again to impress her. There's definitely that sense that he truly loves her in there and it's easy to understand why he would act in such a way, he does care for her, and you really showed that here, and it's something I think is completely in character, well for the both of them. James caring from her while never really being able to prove it, and Lily, working hard not noticing James.
I noticed a few little grammar issues, mostly misplaced comas, though they are really nothing major, and a quick beta could fix them up pretty quickly! Overall it was really well written and flowed really nicely, I only wish it were a little longer because you really captured both James and Lily so beautifully!
Well done on such a lovely little one-shot and keep up the great work!
~ In The Shadows I DwellAuthor's Response: Aw thanks so much hun, this has to be my one story I prolly won't change much of anything with, it's pretty darn perfect the way it is, and I'm so happy everybody seems to think so!
You'd think after so many reviews about how well I seem to do this that I'd do more Marauders' things, which I might, but for now just working on my WIP. Thanks soo much for reviewing, I'm very happy you think James is so in character, I think I brought something to it that others seem to miss.
Thanks again! Report Review
It's InTheShadowsIDwell from the forums here, (finally - sorry about the wait) with your review!
Let me start by saying, I loved this, it’s so rare for me to read something that just focuses on Remus/Tonks and I have to say I really love how you’ve written this. It seems so perfectly believable, like this could have actually happened, and following his thoughts it’s interesting to see how he came to the decision at the end, no matter how sad it is, really I just wanted to cry.
So I'll start with grammar and spelling, I noticed that this sentence: “he would be alone completely and absolutely” was sort of awkwardly worded, perhaps it would read a little more easily as something like ‘he would be completely and absolutely alone”, as the first just caught my eye as I was reading. Also, this sentence: “there was still life, still something to keep fighting for, to keep alive for”, also caught my eye as the use of ‘keep’ twice in such a small space of words didn’t quite flow as nicely as it could have, perhaps something like ‘stay’ could work a little better there in the second part of the sentence. Though it’s not necessarily a huge thing, it’s really just me being picky/something that I noticed. There were a few other little grammar issues, though they really aren’t anything a quick beta/edit can’t fix up and overall your spelling and grammar, particular for such a long one-shot was good!
I really love some of the imagery you’ve used, lines like: “the floor-boards moaning in protest as he stepped upon them” really made me feel like I could almost hear the floorboards myself, and as someone who likes the smallest of details it’s something I really liked. I think that really helped with the emotions too, there were so many, Remus considering his options so carefully at the beginning was almost heartbreaking, choosing between his wife and child’s happiness and safety or leaving them in danger. Remus always to me seemed to be the type that overthought everything, and I think you really captured that side of him so well in this chapter. The fact that he really can’t decide makes the ending even more sad, and Tonks’ response to this was just heartbreaking.
It’s very easy to imagine this as what actually happened, because you’ve really captured the both of them well, their characters and their thoughts and fears during this time. I think really, it’s your characterisation of Remus that I love most. His fear that his child will be a monster and that somehow it will be his fault. Tonks attempting to reassure him that she loves him and that not leaving is the best option just broke my heart, because she always seemed to be this strong character, but it’s easy to see how there could be this other side to her. I think your writing really portrayed their relationship well, you could see how much he loved her, but at the same time how he just wanted to do what was best for her. You really captured how the difficulty of the situation was made even more difficult by his own thoughts.
Well done a lovely chapter, I love how you've explored both of their character so well, and how you chose to write this particular moment in their relationship! Keep up the lovely work!
~ In The Shadows I DwellAuthor's Response: Hi there,
I completely forgot I requested this, so it kind of was a nice surprise! Fair play for your devotion to following requests up though, even after such a long while. Thanks so much, I really appreciate it!
I am so glad you liked this, and that it nearly made you cry, because I wanted it to be heart breaking and sad and when it produces a reaction like that, it means I've done things right!
Sorry about the small grammar errors, I can never pick them all up no matter how many times I proof-read, I'll fix them pronto though, thanks for pointing them out.
I am so glad you think I got Lupin right. He's my absolute favourite character, and I would hate, absolutely hate, to get him wrong. I don't know why exactly, but I just find it so much easier to get inside Lupin's head than Tonks's. She caused me a lot of problems here, and she went through several re-writes so I am really glad you liked her. I wanted her to be strong, as she is in the books, but I also wanted to show how hurt she is at Lupin's departure, you know? So I am glad you think I did a good job on her here.
Again, very happy you liked the imagery, I'm an imagery person, so I am really glad you liked the images I used and that you think that it brought the story to life more.
Again, I'm just so glad you think I did this right, and that you reckon it is believable too, because that's really important, that it seems real.
Thank you so much for taking my request. I really appreciate it. Your review was a nice surprise! Thanks so much :)
Ps. Love your pen-name by the way! Report Review
It's Ash from the forums here with your review. I initially chose this story this because it's actually pretty rare for me to read Arthur/Molly despite it being pretty much the most canon of all pairings in existence. What I really liked about this was the fact that you captured such a different side to their relationship, one that we don't necessarily see, or even really imagine when reading about them in the books. I know when I read about them I think they have these little arguments, but then they also have this incredibly strong relationship as well so I really liked the situation you've put them in here because it really did explore a different side to them.
I did notice a couple of little spelling/grammar issues in the story but they were fairly small so it's nothing really to worry about, perhaps the biggest one I noticed was in the following line: "I'd been in love with him for 6 years and it weren't about to stop now." 'Weren't' sounds a little awkward when reading and would perhaps be better as 'wasn't' but aside from that nothing else really actually stopped the flow of the story when I was reading. Overall, the story flows pretty well, and the narration being from Molly's perspective was great and showed not only a lot about herself but about the Arthur you have written in this piece.
I also liked how you've written in a bit of their history at Hogwarts and what their lives have been like after leaving school, it's interesting because the couple you're portraying seems so different to the one I recognize from the books, but it's so easy to see how they became the characters/pairing I know and love from this situation. It's really just a great insight into their characters.
Overall it's a great little one-shot and it was really interesting to see what their lives might have been like before the books began! Keep up the great work!
~ InTheShadowsIDwellAuthor's Response: Hey :)
Thank you for the review. I rarely read Molly and Arthur either because I love their story in canon and they are just simply too wonderful to ignore but I love writing them together.
I tried to capture a different side of them because not much is really said about them before they have their children so I like to explore that side of them and I'm glad you liked it.
Haha the whole 'wasn't' 'weren't' that I can never seem to get right. I shall go and have a look over that and change it because that is the one think. I'm glad you like the flow and the narration between them.
The couple is very different from the one they have developed into especially Molly but as they grew and had more children they would have obviously developed more and become the people in the books.
Thank you again for the review Report Review
Narcissa is one of those characters I love to read anything about, perhaps it's because she was willing to betray her own master to save her son, proving that she wasn't really as bad as I thought she was, or perhaps it's because she's so different in each story that it's really hard to figure out her character exactly, there's something I just love about her. What I really like is how you've explored her character in this piece, and how you've portrayed her as a woman who deeply loves her family, the same woman we see in Deathly Hallows. I found her recognizing the kindness of the people that surround them to be something very incredible, and I think really it was one of those great points that show how much she changes as a character and how it ends with her looking forward to the future, rather than her simply dwelling on the past.
It's incredibly hard for me to even find an area to suggest improvement within, as it's hard to find something that could be fixed in a piece which is essentially perfect, not only with spelling and grammar use, but the story itself is perfect. Simple yet the detail and the story you are telling are just amazing, because really I was fascinated by this woman from the start until the very end, I wanted to know how her story ended, and I'm glad there can be at least some happiness for her in the end, because I felt sorry for this Narcissa, losing the man who vowed to protect her son and her sister in the one night, and how obviously these losses affected her.
Overall, I thought this story was written beautifully, it really captured something different about Narcissa and her relationships and feelings following the war, and I loved reading every word of it.
~ In The Shadows I DwellAuthor's Response: Hi! Again, sorry for the delay in responding.
Oh, gosh, I love her too. I feel like I write her a lot, even if she doesn't have a starring role. The portrayal of her in the final book, the one where she really took her opportunity to shine and do something to counteract all the evil that her family had helped perpetuate over the years, is my absolute favorite, and I love dwelling on those moments, which is probably where the idea for this one-shot came from.
I definitely wanted to tap into her sensitivity here, as you've observed, and her vulnerability after having to sit back and watch things happen for so long. I think it would be quite shocking to find yourself alive and whole when people much stronger and smarter than you have perished already. Another element, of course, is the idea that in a just world, the Malfoys probably wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) have made it out alive. My Narcissa here has learned to take advantage of the fact that the world isn't perfect, and not to let the sacrifices of others go to waste, but to live on and take what she can from this.
I'm so glad you liked this. Thank you! :)
-Amanda Report Review
I have to start by saying I love how you decided to tell this in parts, it's always been one of my favorite techniques that any writer could use and I really love how you've used it here, showing how their relationship as it is progressing and how each of the characters and the events in their lives changes over time. I also like how you started it with their meeting and ended it with the birth of a child, because it really gave me as a reader a sense of the life they have lived together, I also have to admit I love how you managed to bring the Epilogue into this as well.
I'm going to talk about Victoire, because I really love how you've characterized her, I never actually saw her as possibly being a Ravenclaw until I read this, and I really think you added something unique to her character by making her shy. I also love how Teddy was there for her right from the very beginning and how she too is there for him when he needs her most, at the graveyard, it's easy to see what makes their relationship so strong. I also like how the story is told from her perspective because it's always interesting to see how each of the characters from the next generation is written. I also loved the similar lines which opened each section, which immediately showed what stage of her life she was in, and where Teddy was during it within the space of a single line. They worked really well, as did the rest of the story.
If there was one thing I noticed that really stood out, it was the fact that this was so short, well it's not really, but when reading the time just seems to vanish, and I was left wishing that it was over a few chapters or just was a little longer. Other than that the writing was wonderful, the descriptions and detail that you've given are really great and really add to the relationship you are showing over the span of 17 years, and was a really great insight into their relationship which you've managed to show in this one-shot so wonderfully!
Keep up the great work!
~ In The Shadows I DwellAuthor's Response: Hello again!
I'm glad you liked the "stage" format of this piece. I wanted to try to jump between the important points in Teddy and Victoire's relationship without things seeming too disjointed. It's good that you thought I included all of the valuable pieces with appropriate detail.
I agree that Victoire as a shy girl seems somewhat unusual. I always see people write her as being vivacious and extravagant, and as with most of my work, I wanted to take a different direction. I think her quiet nature and sweetness makes the relationship seem more innocent and serves to bring her closer to Teddy, who is obviously hurting a lot. I'm happy that the similar formatting of each section helped you acquaint yourself with their relationship in a pleasing way.
It sounds like what you're saying is that the flow was good, but it was a little short for your taste. I can understand that -- this was my first foray into next-gen, really, and I didn't want to get too ambitious. I'm sure I'll revisit this relationship in a future story, if that helps.
Thanks so much for your kind review! :)
-Amanda Report Review
I'm back with your final review as part of your prize, I've really enjoyed reading this so far and I'm looking forward to coming back once I'm done with all the reviews I'm writing up for this to come back and finish it off, because I'm really excited by everything that has happened so far and what could possibly happen in the future chapters especially considering I hardly know who to trust with the man from the Ministry again in this chapter, it makes me wonder who is betraying them especially considering it doesn't at this stage seem to be Scorpius.
The introduction of their opposition was interesting as well, particularly seeing how everything is all coming together with the Ministry man piece by piece, and it's easy to see that he has something planned for them, although we know it's revenge, I want to know what it's revenge for and how exactly he plans to achieve it, I also wonder what is so important about the statue, or whether it is actually important at all, but I guess we'll have to wait and see!
Once again, I really liked your writing style in this chapter, and I noticed that it seemed to flow really well. The characters and their conversations also worked quite well, particularly the one at the end between Rose and Lorcan, with each chapter more and more about the characters and their relationships is being revealed and it's really good to see how they react around one another in different situations. Overall I think this is a really great story, it's such a brilliant idea and is written so well I just want to keep on reading to find out what happens! So I will be back to finish it I promise!
Congratulations once again for coming third!
~ In The Shadows I DwellAuthor's Response: Oh my giddy gosh- your first paragraph is one sentence and I read it all in one garbled mush. Bear with, I'm going to read it again.
Okay! You don't think it's Scorpius, huh? Well, unfortunately, all the next gens do :) I'm keeping schtum either way.
The Ministry man is seriously evil, and I'll keep drip-feeding you guys info about him to keep you all interested :D
But revenge... not saying.
The statue. not saying.
I'm really glad you liked this chapter and I'm really really happy you want to continue with the story!
Thanks for the review, and looking forward to any more challenges you put up :D Report Review
I'm here with your review as promised for the 'One Challenge to Rule Them All!" I absolutely loved this piece, I love stories about George trying to figure out how he's supposed to live without Fred, and this was no exception, it was beautifully written, and of course it was sad, I was actually nearly in tears. To have him finally accepting Fred's death at the end was a really nice touch, and his movement from not knowing what to do, to having some idea on how he was supposed to survive his grief was well written and portrayed so well. It seemed entirely within character for him, because really, he's lost his other half, I'm sure it would nearly kill him as well, and you've portrayed this so well.
I really love the writing style as well, while the bold lines were rather distracting (for some reason I always look directly at the bold lines), they were some of the most sad and beautiful lines in the entire story, so perhaps it's a perfect thing that they caught my attention so many times. In particular "Do not pity the dead, pity the living, someone once told me." It was just perfect, and fit the situation so perfectly, as did everything else being said. The descriptions too, were lovely and really helped set up the entire story, there certainly was this abandoned feeling to everything about the story, which made it feel so much more empty and alone for George.
I noticed a few awkwardly worded sentences and small grammatical errors, but overall it was a well written piece, and they certainly weren't something a quick beta couldn't fix up. I really enjoyed reading this, it was beautiful and a very good look into George's life following Fred's death and how he's had to come to terms with living without his twin brother. I think you've captured the situation perfectly! Well done! :)
~ In The Shadows I Dwell
(P.S: The winners will be announced very soon by blog, so look out for it!)Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it, and YAY I PLACED THIRD! Just seen your blog :D That you thought my story was emotional really means a lot, and your comments are very much appreciated :D
I'll check up on those typos, and consider changing the bold to italics. I wanted them to stand out, but I don't want it that much!
Thank you very much... a very very good challenge :D Report Review
I'm here with your promised review for the 'One Challenge to Rule Them All!" I love a good mystery and even more I love the title of this piece, purely because the second I read it, I knew exactly that there was going to be something here to be solved, although I was no quite expecting that ending, but I really liked the LoTR references, although it might be just me, but 'Arthur' writing his story down seemed like some sort of connection to Bilbo writing his story down, hit me if I'm wrong. I also really liked the mysterious feel to this, right from the start I wanted to know what mystery Hugo was trying to uncover.
It was a really interesting idea and you've certainly written it well, for a moment there I thought it was heading in the direction of being centered around another character (more Arthur) rather than just Hugo... But then it wasn't... It was kind of sneaky... I like that. I really like the section where Hugo read's the story back, for some reason I thought it was going to become the mystery of Hugo's own murder which now that I think about it, would have been kind of confusing, but still I was thinking, What's going to happen? What's this kid going to do to him? Then it happened, and I just wasn't expecting it at all, it was just great.
There were a few small spelling/grammatical errors I noticed throughout the piece, just the odd missing letter in a couple of cases, so nothing major, and could be fixed up with a quick look over by a beta. Overall, it was really well written, and the narration style really added the suspense of the piece as we watched it all unfold from the point of view of an illusion? and it certainly was a great mystery piece! Well done on this, is really fit the challenge well, and I really enjoyed reading it! Keep up the great work!
~ In The Shadows I Dwell
(P.S: The challenge results shall be posted in a blog shortly, so keep an eye out for it!)Author's Response: You have no idea how good this review makes me feel! Siriusly, I was confident in my initial idea for it, but when it came to actually writing it that was a real challenge. I didn't know I had what I wrote in me. Thank you for starting the challenge! And thank you so much for the review! I may actually continue the story... but we will see. Report Review
I'm here with the review I promised for your participation and submission for the "One Challenge to Rule Them All!" Let me start by saying that I haven't read anything from the perspective of Helena Ravenclaw before, but I really love how you've portrayed her and the way you've chosen to narrate this story. So much is revealed about her character by the way that you've portrayed her feelings about her own actions and the conversations she shares with others, and in a way it's a very unique insight into the life of a ghost as well.
I particularly like how you've opened this piece, which immediately alerted the reader to how she came to be at Hogwarts despite the fact she died in a forest in Albania, that and how she gradually accepts her role in everything that happened. The line: " I had stolen my mother’s diadem. I had run to Albania. I had refused the baron, and paid with my life. I had come back and searched for the diadem for four hundred years, and failed. I had helped Tom Riddle become Lord Voldemort. I had helped Harry Potter. I had fulfilled my destiny to protect Hogwarts." Really summed it all up for me, having it growing over the course of the story was a really great way of showing how things were changing and she was growing as a character. While there were a few spelling mistakes they were nothing entirely major and could be fixed up with a quick beta.
Another of the things that I really liked about this was the fact that it told us about her, and her role in everything, the focus was always on her, and how she impacted the events that unfolded and her attempts to change things when she could do very little as a ghost. I really loved how you also had the focus on her name being her identity, because really she was just the "Grey Lady" until the final book, when really she was so much more. This was really well written and very interesting, well done and keep up the great work!
(P.S: The challenge results shall be posted in a blog shortly, so keep an eye out for it!)Author's Response: Oh wow, long review! I'm glad you liked it, I'm very proud of this one-shot:)
I'll keep an eye out for the challenge results! Report Review
It's InTheShadowsIDwell from the forums here with your review, I appologise for the awfully long wait since you requested this, I've been absolutely swamped with work over the past month. Okay, enough of my excuses, time for some reviewing. Okay, so I really like how you've narrated this story, the fact that you have all three perspectives of who I assume are going to be the main characters - Lily, James and Severus, is particularly interesting as each gives an insight into the other characters in a way that just one narrator cannot. It's interesting to see how they all react around one another and you've captured it really well, I like how they all seem to be drawn together by Lily and how she really seems to be doing everything she can to really avoid them.
I'd like to talk about James and Snape's reactions to one another because you've written them really well, they were believable and well within character. You've characterized both, and seeing as they're both trying to win the same girl's heart it's interesting how they each interact with her. I find it interesting that you mentioned Severus's friends at the beginning of his section of the chapter, I don't know whether it's just me, but I didn't exactly imagine him as having many friends, or at least he wouldn't acknowledge them as friends even if they considered him to be one. That might be just me, but it's something that came to mind when I read that line, that is unless you were talking about the Death Eaters... In that case just ignore me!
Something else I found interesting was your choice to give Lily Head Girl without giving her the Prefects badge as well. Most people give her both, but I like how you've sort of got James and Lily as equals, neither of them particularly have any experience so I'm sure that'll make things very interesting later on. I also like how you've made all the endings of each section tie together with each stating that the year is going to change something, and I can't wait to find out what that is. I'm curious already as to whether you'll continue telling the story from all three perspectives as I wonder whether it might distracting in longer chapters, but I shall have to read on to find out.
Overall your writing was very good, and the story itself flowed pretty nicely, it flowed fairly nicely considering you had it split into sections. I noticed no grammatical or spelling errors, that's always a plus! I also loved your characterisation of Lily she seems very much in character and I love how you've shown some of her relationship with her family and Petunia's reaction to her comment. I was slightly confused about the mention of a Graduation Ceremony as they were never actually shown in the books, but aside from that and the other tiny little issue I mentioned earlier it was a great start over all.
Keep up the great work!
~ Ash Report Review
It's InTheShadowsIDwell back again for your second review, sorry it's taken so long to get around to, I've been swamped in work for the past month. Let me start by saying that I absolutely love the narration style, it's perfect and somewhat haunting to read him reflecting on the relationship in such a way, the second person perspective works well for this story, it gives it a very unique and kind of I guess, creepy feeling as you read. The fact that Victoire is being portrayed as almost this evil, villain type character is also really intriguing, because we are actually getting glimpses at how the relationship has formed.
I absolutely love the level of detail you give with this story, it's the perfect amount and leaves us with enough to wonder what is going to happen next while making the reader want more, the descriptions, the same, perfect. I love the description you put into Victoire and her actions, because they really give me, as a reader a good sense of her character and how she behaves, also the dialogue between her and Teddy works well because it reveals a lot about their relationship and the way that behind her beauty there is something much less so hiding beneath the surface.
Overall, I absolutely love this piece, I still remember the first chapter so clearly even though it's been over a month since I last read it, it's just so intense. I find it particularly interesting that Victoire wants to be ugly, although I'm not entirely sure why at this point, I only have my suspicions, but I find it incredibly interesting. There are so many lines I wish to mention that were particularly interesting, but I fear that if I actually start to mention them, I'll be writing forever, there are so many, that in so few words give us as readers so much information, but in particular, 'You define nature, not refine it.' really caught my attention.
I think you're doing a brilliant job with this story, it reads so perfectly that I really didn't want to stop, even to review. I look forward to finishing reading it in the future!
~ Ash Report Review
It's Ash from the forums here with your reviews! Let me start by saying your level of detail is absolutely fantastic! I absolutely love detail and the attention you have given in this particular chapter is amazing. It was easy to picture this scene, and your writing was amazing from start to finish. The second person perspective works well for this piece, it certainly created a strong connection with me as I was reading and that's always a good thing, and having it from Teddy's perspective works extremely well as I'm definitely interested to see where this goes. I've never particularly seen Victoire portrayed as some sort of monster but it makes sense the way you have written it. It's clear that it's an unhealthy relationship in a lot of ways, and I really think you've captured this well across this entire chapter.
I really can't fault anything about this chapter, and I really see very few areas where I believe it could be improved - certainly something rare to see when reading. The style of writing certainly works for you, I was amazed as a reader how effortlessly it seemed to flow, and the chapter passed by before I knew it, and I was definitely left wanting to read more. The last words were particularly haunting and left the reader with a sense of what was happening and what is to come in later chapters, and it seems to give a particular insight into the mind of Teddy that despite everything he is searching for her, stopping her from escaping. The only area I could possibly suggest perhaps changing a little is making it a little more clear who the narrator is as it did take me a while to figure out who it was, but it was made more clear towards the end so it's not a massive issue at all really, it was really the only thing I noticed overall.
You have created a really interesting beginning to this fic, and it's extremely well written. It's dark and it presents a ship that I've read quite a bit of in an entirely unique way, it's interesting that you've portrayed Teddy as half werewolf, but it's in a way which seems possible and is certainly believable considering it is the first I've read of such a thing happening to him. I think overall this is an excellent beginning to what sounds like it's going to be an extremely interesting story. Despite not having seen Victoire yet, you've given the reader enough information to draw some conclusions about her personality as well as Teddy's and I really can't wait to see what they are like if he manages to find her.
This was a great start to your story, it's hauntingly written and I'm sure it will stay with me for some time long after I've finished it! Keep up the amazing work!
~ AshAuthor's Response: Hi Ash!
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply to this amazing review! Really, it's been almost eight months - just blame my massive lack of productivity and my amazing procrastination skills. But here I am, finally, to respond to this amazing review - hopefully I will do it justice.
Really? Detail? This was my first time writing in this waffly, slightly flowery style, and the thing I was most worried about was whether the readers would even understand what was going on - vague metaphors and ridiculous imagery can sometimes means nobody has a clue what's going on. I was worried about that with this - but also making the mistake of revealing things too soon in the first chapter. Eh, confusing.
I love writing in second person perspective - it's definitely fancier, and I think, and the story seems to flow better. It engages the reader more, so I'm so glad you like it and think it works! I really wanted them to have a better sense of the characters as the writing style means that descriptions and introductions and backstories are all left out, and I hoped this narrative did that. I needed to show their unhealthy relationship - Victoire is a monster (her mother's got Veela blood, her father was bitten by a werewolf) and Teddy keeps wanting to get revenge. He has these dark, angry thoughts but then when he sees her, he can't help but fall under her charms.
Thank you so much for your lovely comments, I'm so happy you didn't see any mistakes and you liked the style of writing - really, thank you so much, you're too kind. I worked hard on the endings to the chapters to make sure they didn't give too much away, and left the readers wanting more. I'll have to look about the narrator thing - I can understand where you're coming from - and edit it up.
Thank you so much for the review! It really is so wonderful! Report Review
It's Ash here with your requested review! Okay, I like how you've decided to open your story. Having Draco still very much concerned with loyalty within the family was a nice touch seeing as it is a trait I doubt would leave him even in the time that had passed seeing as it seemed to be forced upon him quite strongly in his youth. I also like how Scorpius appears to be significantly different to his father, despite knowing that he is similar in appearance it is clear that both are entirely different men and their actions and words do strongly suggest this. I gathered that Scorpius does seem to be a better man than his father and he seems to know the difference between what is right and what is wrong and I'm certainly curious to know what Draco wants him to lie about.
There were a couple of little grammatical/spelling issues I noticed in this chapter, in the first line "A door slammed and footsteps echoed through the entrance hall to the Manor as Scorpius Malfoy stamped/stomped down the staircase and through to the lounge." The stamped/stomped in the centre of the sentence is a little distracting while reading and disrupts the flow of the sentence and paragraph overall, perhaps selecting one or the other might work better as they are very similar actions. Also, the use of the phrase "the grounds" in the seventh paragraph down twice in such a short space of time seems a little awkward when reading. Perhaps the first usage could be changed to 'the manor' or simply removed. For some reason having both just stood out a little to me. Aside from those two small issues, and a few sentences that seemed a little awkwardly worded the chapter was well written overall.
It does flow quite nicely, despite the chapter itself being a little short. Perhaps you could extend it a little to give the reader a little more insight into the relationships between the characters. It's clear Scorpius and his father don't exactly have a perfect relationship but why is this the case, and why does Scorpius react this way around Draco etc. Perhaps a little more detail could be given when he arrives at the Potter's as well, it just seemed a little brief although I perfectly understand if your going to extend this further in the next chapter, if that's the case then just ignore my rambling! Aside from those few little points I think it does flow nicely and it certainly opens up the plot of the story and I'm interested to see where it is going based upon the summary!
I really think you've captured the characters well, Scorpius in particular and I really like how you've characterized him, Draco as well. It's nice to see that he might not have completely changed and become a kind and caring man following the war. I think your version of him is very well written and perfectly within character. I also liked how you've portrayed the strength of Albus and Scorpius' friendship, nothing could have summed it up better than a hug, because really it makes me think of Ron hugging Harry in the movies. Overall, great job on this piece, it certainly has the potential to be a really exciting story and based on the summary and this first chapter it is something I'm looking forward to reading more of!
Keep up the great work!
~ AshAuthor's Response: Wow! Thanks for such a great review!
I'm glad that you saw the differences between Scorpius and his father, because I guess that was definitely something I wanted to convey. As for the terrible lie, that will become clear in the next chapter or two :)
Thank you for pointing those errors out! I skipped over the stamped/stomped, and meant to eventually delete one. Obviously I ignored it as I was uploading, which was stupid of me.I'll put a correction in for those things.
I realise that this is a little short, but I tried to keep this brief, it was really just a stepping stone to the main story. I kind of hoped that this would just introduce the story.
I'm so glad that you like the characterisations as well, because this is my first true attempt at writing characters that aren't the Founders.
Thanks again for such a great review! Report Review
It's Ash from the forums here with your review. I have to say this is an extremely intriguing beginning to your story. I've never read anything in the second person, so this is a bit of a new experience for me as well, although I believe it was well written despite me not having experienced this perspective before. It wasn't too wordy and it gave enough detail to make me curious as to where the story would go. I also like that you're telling the story from Molly's perspective, as for me, that is another first. I always love seeing the world from the eyes of one of the lesser used Weasley's, and you've certainly provided the reader with a clear sense of her personality and begin to give us a sense of what is occurring without giving too much information away and although that can be slightly confusing as we don't have all the information just yet, it makes me personally want to read on to find out more.
I agree that the prologue is rather short, but at the same time it's a nice length for a prologue, you don't want to have it too long and you don't want it too short, and I think you've got the balance right here. It certainly tells a lot to the reader about your characters and potentially what will develop later on in the story, so I do think you've done a good job there. I also have no spelling or grammar issues to note as your writing was excellent across the entire chapter.
The only area I could suggest for improvement is perhaps giving more detail on some of the characters mentioned, I was slightly confused about the role of Madam Dagnell who I'm assuming is the school nurse although it was clear that she is responsible for watching over Molly. Another aspect that could perhaps use slightly more detail is the book mentioned, perhaps how it came to be in the library and was created and how exactly it caused her to share a body with another. They were just a few things I thought of as I was reading that I thought might need a little bit more detail in future chapters, although it's entirely up to you, I just love detail in general!
I really love how you've written this, it's descriptive and it certainly brings the whole scene to life, I could actually imagine it within my mind. I think you've really used the style of this piece well and it really is written wonderfully! You're characters are interesting and unique, and they certainly seem to be leaping off the screen right at me as I read. It is easy to picture them in these situations and acting in these ways as you've captured them well, not just Molly, but Victoire as well, it was easy to picture her looking out for her cousin. I also love how the narration style has really allowed Molly's "other half" I suppose I shall call it, to show and how it thinks and acts towards others. I'm certainly looking forward to seeing how it develops into the future, and what these plans she has begun to make unfold and whether or not she manages to survive this potion.
You have a brilliant start here, and I cannot wait to see more!
~ AshAuthor's Response: Thanks! Second person was a bit weird at first, but it got easier after a while. The story mostly developed around Molly, because I think she's a really interesting character, mostly because, as you said, she's hardly ever written about. Yeah, I know it's a bit confusing (there's an edited version in the queue at the moment which should be a bit clearer) but there's not much I can give away at the moment, unfortunately...
I'm glad it's the right sort of length because I normally write chapters (and one-shots) that are about twice this length :D so it was a little weird.
Ah, right, yeah. I sort of forgot I'd have to explain who Madam Dagnell is - she is the school Nurse. She won't turn up for a while, though. As for the book and Malea... those questions will be answered, according to the plan in my head, but not until very, very close to the end of the story. Sorry!
Gosh, thanks! It's kinda like my new baby, I really enjoy writing it, so I'm glad you like it too!
Thanks for the lovely review!
Aph xx Report Review
It's Ash back again with your next review. Once again I'm going to mention the beginning, but mostly because I particularly love how you've tied it to the ending, it's always a nice touch to see in a story. It's interesting to see that in the space of a chapter so many developments can be made, and yet she can still remain in a state of knowing very little about herself and the life she was once part of. It's a very powerful opening to the chapter, and an equally as powerful ending in my opinion and it certainly grabs the reader's attention right from the very beginning.
There was a setence I noticed early on which I'll mention because I had to go back and read it a couple of times due to it just seeming a little awkwardly worded: "I know what I can see in the reflection," it just seemed as though it could have been worded a little differently, perhaps as something like: "I know what I can see in 'my' reflection" as it just seems to work a little better, again it's a matter of personal taste, but seeing as it's written in the first person it really can work either way I suppose.
I found the relationship between Beth, Amanda and John interesting and how she identifies them as a source of comfort. It's interesting to see that they are the one's who found her in the muggle world and they are also the one's to bring the wizarding world back to her. The letter from Ginny revealed a lot about her friendships, and I'm hoping they'll all be reunited at some point! It's also interesting that no-one hadn't panicked considering they wouldn't have heard from Beth or her family and if her parents really were taken from the forest why no-one had recognized them. I'm sure there's an answer for it, it's just something I found interesting.
You asked me to comment on the flow of the story and I think it's fine, it reads very nicely and you have separated the chapter in places which make sense and even add greater flow to the story instead of lingering in the one scene for too long. I really like Beth's perspective in this chapter, it's really great to see the world you are presenting from the eyes of someone who can't remember their place within it, and I think you've done a great job on this chapter, so keep up the excellent work!
~ Ash Report Review
It's Ash from the forums here with your review. I have to say you have an intriguing beginning to your story, it's a very interesting choice to place the beginning where you have, you don't often see a lot of the Quidditch World Cup in fics so I believe it was certainly a nice choice to start everything here. More interestingly the characters you've chosen really stood out. Barty Crouch Jr. is one of those characters whose personality I find it hard to capture, although you have certainly done it well here, his actions were believable and yes, I could picture him murdering Beth's parents as revenge. These actions were very much in character for him, although I'm personally unsure whether he would have revealed himself to anyone that night seeing as he was very much acting in a way which I always thought suggested he was simply going along with the madness which unfolded, although you've had him cover his tracks so it doesn't matter anyway as no-one would remember seeing him!
I found Beth to be an interesting character and I was able to gather quite a bit about her character even from this short prologue, which is good as even in a short space of time I, the reader was able to connect with her, and her panic and confusion among the chaos was clear. I particularly believe you've captured these moments well, I can only imagine how awful it would have been for someone so young to be caught in a situation as horrifying as this, and I believe that you've really brought it to life, especially Barty Crouch Jr.'s role in the events of the chapter, I have to admit you have me interested in why he's so concerned with seeing Beth again, and I look forward to finding out!
I noticed a few sentences which didn't necessarily need the punctuation within them, this one: “Barty Crouch Junior. We all thought you were dead,” seemed to stop the flow of the story slightly with the full stop, where as it could have been a comma and allowed the sentence to flow on. I suppose it's a personal choice thing, although it tends to disrupt the flow of the story slightly, which was overall very good. Your spelling and grammar in general was very good with only a few little errors overall, and there certainly wasn't anything that couldn't be resolved by a quick beta.
I'm particularly excited about the plot of this story, I think you have an excellent beginning and I truly look forward to seeing where this story goes and how the role of Barty Crouch Jr. unfolds and develops in the story! Well done on a great start to your story I found it to be a really enjoyable read, and it flowed excellently from start to finish!
Keep up the great work!
~ Ash Report Review
I'm back again with your next review. So as I read this chapter a thought hit me that I've never actually read any next-gen story from Lily's perspective and it's something I really like. I personally find that she's a particularly interesting character to read the story from the perspective of. As part of the Potter/Weasley family she has an insight that not all characters can offer and the insights you give into many of the other characters are excellent. Despite many of them just being mentions they add an excellent depth and life to the story, it's not just mentions of her cousins but of the relationships that Ginny has with other's, Lily's observations allow the reader to gain a picture of what life was like following the Battle of Hogwarts and how their lives have moved on and changed during that time. I like how you've shown many relationships in this chapter, not just between the adults and the friendships they've formed, but between the cousins and James and Lily themselves, it's clear that they get along better than she would with Albus but seeing them talking with one another revealed a lot about their characters, and the bribes in particular revealed quite a bit about their characters. James loves flying and it would seem Lily enjoys her privacy, although it's only natural.
Out of all the character's I'm going to mention, I'm going to talk about Hugo. I find his character interesting, particularly the choice to place him in Hufflepuff. I guess I always see the next-gen portrayed as younger versions of their parents and it's good to see you've actually made them their own individual characters. Hugo doesn't really seem to be like either of his parents if my initial impressions are correct. He is easily intimidated and I guess he's a lot different to his cousins who obviously know how to tease him. It's clear that there's a great bond between the cousins, and it's something I thought was lovely to see, particularly the need Lily has to protect him, because it's clear he's more sweet and innocent than his cousins and sister and it's good to see another side to Lily as well, a caring and concerned cousin as well!
I also want to talk about Lily again, purely because her character is interesting and I love the development's that take place in this chapter. I liked her talking about her appearance, I believe how a character thinks or talks about their appearance and how an author portrays this greatly affects a reader's perception. I like how you didn't linger on it, although you did prove that she does care about how she looks, but it's more to do with her reputation than anything else, I giggled a little when you mentioned that she felt she needed to look a little stuck up. It really allowed me to gain a better mental picture of how she would act at Hogwarts and potentially how she would treat others, although I hope we get to see this at some point!
Okay, I believe this chapter read really nicely, the flow was very good and there weren't many things I noticed in terms of awkwardly worded sentences or sentences that were perhaps a little too long or unnecessarily punctuated. So, overall it was a well written chapter which offered a lot to the development of the story overall, particularly with the introduction of so many new characters the focus still remained with Lily, and I certainly look forward to reading how this story develops in the future! The only suggestion I have is perhaps a little more description of the other characters, but aside from that it was another excellent chapter!
~ Ash Report Review
It's Ash here with your review, okay, to start off I'd like to say that you have a very nice opening to this story. The familiarity of the scene to me, being woken up by a sibling screaming about a spider was something I could picture in my own mind, but perhaps, most of all the most interesting thing about your opening was Lily herself and her attitude and personality which immediately leap off the screen at the reader. It's easy to gather a sense of her character from your writing, she is immediately portrayed as a prankster, organised and intelligent considering she has somehow managed to move an acromantula into her brother's bedroom. It would seem that she is much like her twin uncles and this is something I've never actually seen done before so this was an aspect of the beginning that I certainly liked.
The characterization of Lily is interesting, the next-gen is always interesting for me to see written purely because you are given the chance to do whatever you would like with their personality. I love how she appears to be much like James although the choice to place her in Slytherin seems to work well with her personality. She certainly is prepared to attempt to lie her way out of a bad situation which would make sense particularly as I often associate this sort of behavior with Slytherin due to Draco Malfoy. Harry and Ginny seem very much in character, there was a nice balance between them, Harry was neither weak nor strong compared to his wife and Ginny didn't seem to be entirely within control which you do sometimes see in fanfiction, so I think you have a nice balance here. I also enjoyed how you've portrayed Albus and James, their personalities are certainly different to Lily's but in a way which is unique and allows for the story to seem believable - I for one know exactly how different siblings can be so it's always great to see the Potter's represented as being entirely different from one another. I also like how Albus seems to share Ron's fear of spiders, a nice touch considering both were Gryffindor's and I believe it would be impossible for any single person to be unafraid of everything.
One thing I noticed which I have to point out is a couple of sentences which appeared to be worded awkwardly.
"Gives you a sense of hope for all those Slytherins out there." - This one just seemed to stop the flow of the story when reading despite it tying nicely with the sentence before it. Perhaps it would read better as something like: "It gives you a sense of hope for all those Slytherins out there." That way it would just flow on a little more nicely.
Another I noticed was this one: "Smirking I jumped out of my warm, green bed and slowly trudged into the bathroom so I could get ready for the call I was evidently going to receive once my parents went down stairs, to inspect and query Albus on why he woke the entire neighborhood up so early in the morning." It seemed a little long and I believe it could have been separated into a couple of sentences instead of a really long one, I noticed a couple of really long sentences which disrupted the flow a little, but overall your grammar and spelling were good and I have very little to talk about in this area aside from what I've mentioned above.
The flow of the story overall was good, it was easy to follow and the story itself was well written. The plot itself was believable and the overall idea of the story, while it is clear that Lily's existence is definitely concerned with pranking, the punishment makes it clear that there is room for her to improve with her actions and potentially learn from her actions. I particularly like how this chapter really set up the rest of the story, it's clear she may not have received that greater punishment for her pranks before and she's clearly going to learn that the hard way. I can't wait to find out what is going to happen in this story, particularly seeing as it is something entirely unique from all the next-gen stories I have read!
Keep up the excellent work and I look forward to reading more!
~ Ash Report Review
It's InTheShadowsIDwell from the forums here with your review for the Review the Person Above You Game! :) I have to say, I don't actually read much set in the Maurader's Era, I'm usually Hogwarts or Post-Hogwarts by choice, but I always love the insight each individual author gives into this era as we can only really go by what is said and what information is provided by the flashbacks. I'm also not generally a Lily/James shipper usually only Lily/Snape or Lily/Sirius, but I love the insight you've provided into the beginnings of their relationship, I can't imagine it being plesant being followed by the likes of James Potter and constantly being asked out and I think you've really captured this well!
I have one small thing that I noticed, when Lily called Peter a "Little weakling." I was wondering whether this was slightly out of character. It might be just me, but I always imagined Lily as kind figure who rather liked Wormtail, her letter seemed to indicate that she believed him to be a good person in DH anyway. Although it might just be me. I guess it just seemed a little OOC, but I can be rather picky at times. On the other hand, I loved her reactions to James, in particular the list at the very end, I believe that sums him up entirely just based upon his behaviour in this chapter.
It was well written, although I feel there could be a little more description to space out the dialogue a little that's very minor and your grammar and spelling overall were excellent! :) A very interesting beginning to your story indeed! (Plus I have to admit, I'm a bit of a secret Miley fan...) Keep up the good work!
~AshAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! I'm completely open to constructive criticism and I'm very glad that you gave me some. I totally understand your comments but my Seven Things Lily is a bit complex. In my eyes she started out your typical arrogant teenager, hence the 'little weakling' reference, but the events of Seven Things changed who she is and how she acts so that you get the adult Lily, that was always such a kind, nice person, hence the DH letter. But thank you so much anyway! I too am a Miley fan! ~S xx Report Review
I thought I sent this earlier, although I tried to submit it from my phone so that might explain why it didn't go through, sorry about that one! Okay, so my initial thoughts on this came from the title of the story itself the words: Unwanted,Abandoned, Alone themselves are powerful, and I think it gave me a powerful sense about the stories content before I even began to read it. I was actually intrigued by the situation the main character would find themselves based upon these words, and as one that really examines the relation between a title and a story I loved your choice, particularly as you began and ended the story with it as well with is always a bonus in my opinion!
I was intrigued by Talen, not only is the name amazing, I've never heard or seen it used and it's wonderful, his past and his present situation were also (while incredibly sad) interesting in the sense that the actions and words of a seer caused this. To have been left entirely alone because you would become a Hufflepuff is a horrible thought, yet you've portrayed it so wonderfully! I loved the emotion, although at times there were small grammatical errors or spelling mistakes the story itself worked well and was interesting to read something so unique!
While I felt at times it could have used slightly more description, and Talen's feelings could have been explored as well as his relationship with the other characters, it was overall a nicely written story with a very unique take on the actions of wizarding Pureblood families and I enjoyed reading this for the different perspective of the wizarding world as you've portrayed it.
~ ITSIDAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! It doesn't matter that it didn't go through. I'm glad you thought the title was powerful, that's exactly what I was going for when I created it. The whole idea of making it appear both at the beginning and at the end of the story was to add more power and feeling to it so I'm glad you thought it was effective.
The name Talen was actually given to me through a challenge but I thought it would be good to use as it was so unique for a unique character that I'd created. I thought the encorperation of a seer into this would portray the power they actually did have over belivers of their ability when in reality we know that it probably wouldn't have been true. I love Hufflepuff but as they were a pureblood family I felt that that was one which would have the most impact on their family due to it been seen as the 'weaker' house.
I tried to encorperate as much description as I possibly could however as it was a one shot I didn't want to make it overly long to put readers off.
I'm glad you enjoyed it :) and thankyou again for the review Report Review
Wow, that is about the only word I can use to describe what I have just read, what a fantastically unique take on not only a personality switch, but in fact and entire life switch for both characters, never have I once imagined what their lives would be like if they had the other's life even slightly. But you've created such a vivid mental image of what this could quite possibly be like for the both of them, and with such insight into how their characters might be under these circumstances! I must say I loved James's appearance so early in the story, and I felt it was an interesting touch considering Lily is now a Pureblood witch. In fact there was very little at all (if anything) I could actually find to dislike about this story, it was beautifully written and I felt it flowed very nicely from perspective to perspective, without seeming at all forced.
I also loved the opening, moving from the House Elves to Snape's life, which really set the entire scene of the story and made me wonder about who actually writes all those letters and sends them out, because up until now I assumed it was McGonagall... But that seems like a little too much work for her now. I also felt it was the little details about this story that really added my continuing need to read on, I'm always one for detail and it was the small things like mentioning Snape's parents names (something that's often forgotten) in particular Eileen's background in potion making, it's the small details which make stories like these so amazing to read! Well done on creating an amazingly, do I dare say it... In character yet at the same time AU role reversal, it certainly isn't something easy to create as convincingly as you've done and it's truly marvellous to see it done so well!
Congratulations on winning the challenge, and I'll be back to review the next three chapters very soon!
- InTheShadowsIDwellAuthor's Response: Wow! I'm so glad you liked the story, and I'm honored to have won the challenge! (It was quite a good challenge, I think.)
I'm happy to hear you liked the concept for the story. I worked hard to develop a parallel existence that would satisfy the requirements of the challenge but go beyond doing just a simple swap. Lily's pureblood nature will obviously be important when she joins the Death Eaters, though I am sorry to mention that James will not play a role in the story beyond this point. I think I could have written an entirely separate tale by giving him a larger role, but alas, my muse led me in a different direction :)
I'm so pleased you liked the detail! I also love when authors include little details, and writing about Eileen's little creations was one of my favorite parts. And I loved writing the beginning as well. A lot definitely goes into the process of acceptance at Hogwarts!
I appreciate your thoughtful review and look forward to receiving the rest of them! :)
academica Report Review
InTheShadowsIDwell from the forums here with your review! I was also part of this challenge purely because of my love for Mumford & Sons, and I felt you captured the beauty of Timshel so perfectly! Just a warning, I tend to ramble a lot in my reviews, so I hope you don't mind! I particularly love the line you based this entire piece off as it is most definitely my favourite of the entire song, and your interpretation of it for this piece is simply astounding. I love how you've used in in a post-war situation between Ron and George, it works so well with the line you've chosen and is just so heartbreaking to read.
I also love the emotions you've captured here between the two brothers, the experience of losing a brother would have taken a toll on the relationships of the family and I felt you portrayed that really well in this one shot. I also love how you've managed to tie it all back to family as that was always one of those strong Weasley traits that I've always associated with them. I think it's the initial difficulty in this meeting which has me so impressed, I think it's realistic that they didn't just great each other with warm open arms, it's realistic that they'd be apprehensive and there'd be certainly a gap between them, so I found your portrayal not only of the situation, but the characters themselves excellent.
The writing of the piece itself was brilliant also, well written and flowing nicely, this piece was a wonderful read and I'm glad I was given the chance to review this! I always did have a soft spot for Weasley family fics...
Well done on such a lovely, (yet at the same time so heartbreaking) piece!
- In The Shadows I DwellAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I have to say, I was a little surprised. I totally forgot I had posted in the review tag thread. I was secretly hoping someone would review my little one-shot.
I don't mind the rambling at all. :) At the time of the challenge I had just been converted to the ways of Mumford & Sons, so I was especially excited to write this. I don't normally do challenges or write things outside my main stories, which made me a little nervous.
I'm glad all the elements of my story pulled together for you. The Weasley family is one of my favorite group of characters in canon, but I've never really tried to write them in such focus. I was terribly afraid I was going to go overboard.
Anyways, thank you thank you! I really appreciate your thoughts. That scene where they meet is one of my favorites too. :) Report Review
I'm sure I won't be the first to say that I completed this story in tears, there's something about seeing this played out almost from Sirius' perspective that makes it all the more heartbreaking. I think in many ways, I would have been among those requesting that you didn't kill Laura, but in a lot of ways, after reading your author's note I have to agree, it was the best way to end the story, allowing it to slide so easily into canon. No matter how truly sad and tragic the ending was, it really leads into Sirius' life as the adult we know it, having tied up all the loose ends by this stage in the story.
Your writing as always, was perfect, I don't think I've ever had a complaint to make about this story, the writing was always amazing and it's clear that you are a truly talented storyteller.
This line in particular, "He had nothing left to lose." Left me with shivers, so haunting and yet so beautifully written it sums up entirely the pain he would have felt at that very moment, and such a sad line to end the story on too. I tend to remember the last words of stories, and these will stick within my mind for many years to come.
Sadly, there's not long in the review fest left, but I did make it to the end as I "Unbreakable Vowed", although I read ahead of my reviews and fully intend to go back and complete all 13 of those that I've missed. I don't think there are enough thanks that I can express for you writing and publishing this online, it's been a long week for me and I've been waiting every day to get home and read as many of these chapters as I possibly could, and now it is finally at it's end, it's been a long journey following Laura, but it's one I will gladly take again!
Keep up the amazing work and I'll be sure to finish those reviews as soon as I can!
- Ash (InTheShadowsIDwell)
(Gryffindor)Author's Response: Hi Ash!
First of all, thank you so much for finishing this story. I do realise how long it is so I honestly appreciate everyone who gets to the end. And no, you're not the first one to have cried, but is it horrible of me to be happy about that? Because the death of my main character is a pretty big event, so if I didn't tug on at least a couple of heartstrings I would have done something wrong. And thanks for agreeing with me that it was really the only way to end it - anything else just didn't seem right,adn it really sets the scene for Sirius to become the person we knew in the books.
Thanks again, Mel xxx Report Review
Ahh, the mature scene. I don't really quite have words to describe how you've managed to pack so much into a single chapter. Of course it's appropriately titled, as with all your chapters, but I have to admit, initially I couldn't even begin to imagine what revelations would be made, so it came as a bit of a shock to see the entire Marauder's history out there for Laura to hear, it's also good that they're more willing to trust one another now, although it's obvious why.
I think it's Laura's reaction to Remus' condition which most impresses me, she has always been a really intelligent character and even now hearing such news, she doesn't jump to awful conclusions like others may have. I think it's wonderful that she could accept their faults, and see the lengths that they have gone to, it really emphasises that the really strong caring aspect in her character, despite some of her trust issues, which of course are understandable. She's just one of those beautifully written characters who are just perfectly balanced, something I know I've always struggled to create.
I absolutely loved this chapter!
- Ash (InTheShadowsIDwell)
(Gryffindor)Author's Response: Yes, the mature scene. It had to happen eventually and this felt like the right place and time. This was also the occasion of her getting over all her trust issues, which have been fairly imposing to date - once she had made the decision to go that extra step,and once he had confided all those secrets in her, there was really nothing left to doubt. And with the way I'd written her character, she would have to be accepting of Remus, wouldn't she? It wouldn't sound right if she went off the deep end about it - yes, she did a few times at Sirius, but was because she was emotionally invested and it felt personal. This isn't.
Thanks again, Mel Report Review
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