Hello there! I'm here! To review you! Brace yourself!
Well, just so you know, Marauders story scare the bedizzle out of me. I feel nervous, y'know? Like I need to review better. So excuse me if this is longer than my usual.
Well, to begin with, I was absolutely excited when I realised that James and Lily were already together. It's a rare occurance, and I applaud you for your creativity. A lot of people suck at creating a conflict when it is like that, but you don't, and that proves how extraordinary you are. I can detect a certain sourness within Remus -turns psychic- and he is not truly happy with Lily and James' relationship. Let me quote the line that made me believe this:
"...Sirius glanced over at him. He knew that the poem wasn‚t James. Who was Lily kidding? James could never write something like that, no matter how much effort he put into it. Remus arched an eyebrow as well. The three of them had picked the necklace out for Lily. It was a locket, which only James had the key for. It was supposed to be his big surprise, but when Lily mentioned how much better a poem was than a necklace, James hand removed itself from his pocket as James started to take credit for the letter.
diesonthefloorfromshockofsheerawesomeness. Poor Remus!
I never thought in all my life that I would've liked Remus/Lily. Ever. But my mind is flooding with possibilities of the two of them, and it is all because of you. You transitioned me.
Besides Remus' depressing attitude, Lily actually surprised me. As much as I hate to say this, she was Mary-Sue, but it angered me how much she let James bash her best friend. Yes, Snape ended the relationship in fifth year. But I think Lily still considered him a friend and would've gotten on James for even talking trash about him. But thanks for adding Snape. Every story can use a Snape :p
The condom part was unexpected, but it hinted at adult themes. Perhaps you should add the warning sensitive theme/issue/topic for those who don't understand/comprehend/like the idea of James being a sex-addicted teenager. I found Lily's reaction more speechy and goody-two-shoes than expected, with the whole abstinence till marriage. Remember that she was pregnant in her teens (but that would add irony! OMG I JUST REALISED!)
I really like the plot so far. It's light but not too light, and with one turn in conflict, it can become a (sexy) dark novel. I can also feel the romance between certain members of the group :). I can't wait to see where you take this :)
Your writing style is incredibly unique, although a little patchy in places (but none too bad. It didn't distract me and groan into my laptop :)). Remember that a healthy story gets its nutrients from the three ds: description, dialogue, dynamic plot. You are well on your way! I am adding this story to my favorites!Author's Response: Thank you! Yeah, I was iffy on the snape thing, I didn't want to make it seem like they were TOO close, but I imagine they would've fought right after snape said the whole mudblood thing. And she was pregnant in her teens? Ho shizz I never realized that! Thanks for the review, it helped bunches! Report Review
Hi again! I couldn't help myself. This story is far too addicting.
Well, I can say that I never expected the twist you put in. I quite liked it though, so I'll go in deeper detail later :)
Well. I thought that Harry and Teddy's relationship was sweet. Their connection was loving and absolutely adorable. It is bloody amazing that Harry accepted Teddy's gayness when his grandmother did not. I wasn't expecting that. But then again, having two of your guardians hating your sexuality is kind of depressing...but I'm rambling.
Victoire is really something else; kind of like Fleur. I can detect her snottiness and, um, high self-esteem. I hope it gets better, because right now, I'm not feeling any chemistry between them. I'm sure that you'll around that though, since you are a genius :)
I really can't wait to see what else happens. What will happen during their outing?
GREAT STORY! AS ALWAYS!Author's Response: Hi again! Glad you thought Harry and Ted's relationship was sweet - I tried to make it quite sweet because I always imagine they'd be pretty close. And yep, it would definitely be super depressing to have both of them hating it, but I also think Harry would be more accepting because he's younger than Andromeda and just generally less discriminatory x)
To my shame, I always see Victoire as a little mini-Fleur, only with better English :D And there you are calling me a genius again! Haha, thank you :)
Ahh what will happen indeed... you'll just have to read on to find out *looks mysterious* Thanks for another brilliant review! Report Review
Dear, I must say that I like this story. A lot.
The plot was fantastic. Even though we have all (hopefully) read the HP books, it was from Harryís perspectiveÖnot Hermioneís. As we travel from the beginning of the Yule Ball to The Final Battle, Ron and Hermioneís relationship takes tips and turns, even though we know their relationship will survive. The PoV was really nice. It wasnít third person like it normally is, and we were allowed a little more insight into Hermioneís mind. Great job! It was on spot and I loved how the attitude was volatile and always changing. One minute sheís excited at the prospect of a relationship with Ron, and the next sheís fighting with him, hoping for it all to be over. Kudos!
Some people might try to diss Hermione, which they SHOULDNíT! It was completely spot on; I donít care what anyone else says. Yes, Hermione is a bloody genius, but she is also a teenage girl who likes teenage girl things. There is more depth to Hermione than most people think, and you captured that with grace and intricate beauty. Throughout school, she hid behind layers of her logic because she was scared that being a Muggle-Born would make her not fit in (Hermione can be a rule-breaking, cool kid when she wants to be). Her thought processes were totally beautiful. Good job.
My only critique is that you donít really show us whatís happening. While I lurve the thought you put into Hermione, it would be clearer if you added more detail, description, and dialogue. You canít go wrong with it, and it would add life to the story. Perhaps some speaking lines between Ron and Hermione ;)
Besides this and some occasional typos (there was once when you left the Ďdí off of and), I have no critique. I like what you did it and am definitely adding it to my favourites :)
If only there were more!
AmberAuthor's Response: OMG! Thanks so much for the awesome review!
I'm stunned! I think of this as one of my worse works, I honestly was very young when I wrote this, like 14 or 15! Now when I read it I go like, 'Whoa! Did I ever write like this? EW!'
I'm my own worst critic and I'm very very harsh on myself! :P
Okay, that was random and wonder why I started rambling like that?! :P
Anyway, on to your review!
Thank you so so so much for such an amazing, I feel so much better about my writing right now! (I apparently have very low self-esteem, which turns out to be true. Damn, I'm rambling AGAIN! :sweat:)
I think Hermione is a great character to write as she seems so perfect but is so so flawed! I mean, she's a goody two shoes most of the time they're at Hogwarts but when it came to Harry and Ron she was anything but that! Talk about double standards! :P
As for more dialogue, I'm working on it. I suck horribly at dialogue.(though I LOVE talking, as you can see) Details, details. That's what I get most of the time! I'll work on that too!
Typos, ah, the bane of my existence. Since I've been writing fanfiction for a while, my typing speed has increased and so has the number of typos! :P I'll work on that too though!
Thanks for the encouraging(that's the word I was looking for!) and sweet revie that you've left me!
Hugs, (and cyber cookies and milk)
Aakanksha Report Review
Hi dear! It is Amber with your review! I'm not a big fan of Dramione, but I won't let this get in the way. Seriously, this is the best, most well-written story I've read in a while.
We all know that Draco isn't the most courageous of people. I love how you made him regret it. I think that the war would harden him and open his eyes to the real world (and of course, him being a Death Eater). Whether or not he hooked up with Hermione doesn't have anything to do with it- I find that I am love with your portrayal of him.
Now, about the Dramione. It's no hidden secret that it is AU, so I'm not going to harass you on that. I'm just glad that you interpreted the book enough to figure out how the ship would work, if it ever could. It's not entirely spontaneous :) It was very canon of Ron to assume that Hermione was in love with Harry :)
Hmm. My favourite part would lhave to be when she was distracted and brought Draco into the closet. It was really well-written, the way she grieved, and when Draco was there for her, my heart melted :D.
Your writing style is really unique and awesome. The choppiness just made Draco's life appear even more rough. I didn't see any grammatical errors, but that is probably because I was so engrosse in reading it!
The letter at the end was completely unexpected, but I liked the touch. I actually shed a tear :)
This was a really great story and I am going to add it to my favourites! If only it were longer :(Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! You have no idea how much that means to me!! I'm really very proud of this story and I'm so thankful people actually like it!! Thank you so much for the heartfelt review and also for taking the time to read a Dramione even though it's not generally your cup of tea. Thanks for having an open mind about it!! Thanks again!
Clair :) Report Review
Wow. I regret ever saying anything bad about Lyla. It is as if a new, graceful girl has finally grown out of a older, more perfect one. I have to say this aloud- You are bloody brilliant and I love your writing style. I will go into more detail, yes?
Okay. Lyra. Towards the beginning, I lol'ed when she had to correct Professor McGonagall about what she had turned Malfoy into. I could envision that moment in my mind perfectly, and when she was mentioning how much she wished she could play Quidditch, I truly felt sorry for her. There is nothing as terrible as doing something you aren't capable of doing :( After this, it got worse (conflict that is; the story actually got better :)) Sirius and her were joking, but silence blew over them like a draft, and it was then when I truly realised how close they really were.
Your story isn't like any other. Your female OC is strong-willed and filled with flaws, although they aren't so evident at first (which was my problťmo. Sorry for doubting you!), they resurface in the end. I had the feeling that Lyra was seeking revenge for her parents' death, and altogether frustrated with a society that fostered their killers. Having the government at the root of it was the icing on the cake- let's face it, no government is perfect, and when it comes down to the Ministry, they will want to keep it as quiet as possible. So thank you.
Besides this, I can feel a growing attraction between Lyra and Sirius, although it could be the close bond they have), and a lightness in the air with James and Lily, which can only be a good thing. I fear that as the romance grows, so will the rebellious side of Lyra Capullet.
Sorry if I sounded like a movie description! This is continuing to be a very good read ;)Author's Response: First of all...Oh My God Thankyou so much, youve literally blown me away with this review.
I'm really glad that I managed to evoke sympathy from you towards Lyla that's just what I was aiming for.
And you're right Lyla's rebelious side will definatly show its face in the none to distant future. She and Sirius are extremely close but i'm not saying any more than that.
I feel like i should leave a really long reply considering the amazing review you just left me but all I have left to say is THANK YOU once again. I cannot wait to hear what you have to say about the rest of the story.
Liz. Report Review
Hi dear! Amber here with your review. I normally am good about keeping up with the reviews. Sorry it took so long.
Well I'm surprised you made this a Harry abuse story. I've read a couple and I agree with you how he always get saved by the Weasleys/Snape. I've never read one longer than a chapter though, so I look forward to see how you handle it :)
I think that your plot is amazing. Having Fred and George find him was a smart choice, because not only are they a comic relief, but they have the capability of getting serious when they need to. Their mannerisms were on spot, especially when they decided that going over to Harry's wouldn't be against the rules. You made them the twins they are in the books, they completed each others' sentences, and practically thought the same things. Awesome.
When they found Harry in his room (chained up :(), I truly felt aweful. I mean, Jo didn't really go into detail about Harry's abuse...because it was a children's book. But the Dursleys did abuse him and we need to acknowledge it. And from harrys reaction, you portrayed it beautifully. I've never been abused, but I read a lot on it, and a lot of the signs he had reflected the signs of a neglected child. How he thought that everything was his fault, and how they 'always' did this. My heart bled when he was so pitiful, because I was reminded less of the champion Harry and more of the younger Harry. It's AU, but it's good :)
I laughed when Fred was purposefully making a mess in the kitchen. It is totally something I would do if I was mad at someone, so I really connected to it. And like Fred, I was extremely ticked when Uncle Vernon threw a fist at Harry. Poor Harry didn't deserve it :)
As far as characterisations go, I loved them. My only critique is your wording in some places...like:
Said he‚s got to back out of tonight‚s plans
He said that he can't go with us tonight.
Stuff like that. It wasn't that distracting; I just noticed it in a few places. Besides that, it was an A+!
Very good story. I have so many questions. Will the Ministry lock them up? What will happen with Harry? How will the Weasleys react?Author's Response: First I need to say a gread big thank you for such a wonderful review! It rocked!
Secondly, I need to appologize for not responding to your review sooner. I am usually much better at responding in a timely fashion, but this is my busiest time of year and things got away from me. So sorry!
I never intended to write a Harry abuse story, but after reading so many of them that were either, as you said, abandoned, or had Snape doing the rescuing, I couldn't help it. The subject of abuse is so delicate and not one to mess with that I avoided it for a long time, but at the same time it's obvious by what JKR alludes to in the books that Harry was abused. I'm quite sure it never went to the extent I took it, but it was there. I wanted to explore what would happen if the people who DO love Harry, even if he doesn't always see, found out about his life at home.
You like my plot! Yes! I love Fred and George, and they are never given enough credit for caring about their family, a family I firmly believe they include Harry as part of. When I decided to write this story I just knew it had to be them that found him, so they could have the chance to show their protective side and not just their joker sides.
And yes, it was a rather heartbreaking scene, but I needed it to set up the rest of the fic. Glad you liked the characterizations! That makes me very happy!
Thanks for the pointers on my wording. Sometimes, when I'm writing dialogue, I leave words out because people leave them out when speaking, but when you actually read the sentence you're right, it looks funny. Thanks.
I should have the next chapter up soon, so I hope you'll come back and see what happens. Some of your questions will be answered there, but not all of them. Not yet at least.
Thanks again! Report Review
Hi there! Wow! I must say I wasn't expecting an intro such as this. I mean, it's great how well you drew me in and made me want to read more. That is the key element to writing! You did a great job and left quite an impression on me!
I really like Nellie's character. She seems charming, slightly self-conscious, but beautiful in her own way. Already, I think that she is a good friend and isn't as lax about her attitude as everyone seems to think. You really got inside her head, which is absolutely essential. Lovely job!
The critique I would like to give you is mainly cliches. It's cool that Sirius cares about his hair, but do you have to make him so brainless (I will contradict myself in a second)? I dunno, the way you write him seems like you want him to be Hogwarts' playboy, when by all means he shouldn't be. This is Sirius Black after all! And I was a little touchy-feely about the fan club. That's a cliche I think everyone can do about. But I am rambling now, and if I meant to hurt your feelings, I am really sorry, because that was not my intention!
Hmm, you did spice things up a bit when you made it very clear that Lily was in no way her friend. And that she envied her. It was a nice touch to use, because what girl does feel superior when around a seemingly more beautiful woman? You portrayed it nicely. And I loved it when Sirius told her to stop reading the crap about making herself perfect. Very wise in my opinion :)
I can see a bright future for this story; you certainly left it open for development. I hope to review soon!Author's Response: Really? I'm amazed. Really. Thank you so much. That is something I aim for and constantly think I miss, so to hear that it drew you in makes me smile.
As Nellie, gets to know Sirius more...I guess he gets brains? Or something. It's just sometimes I struggle with Sirius because I can't give him an inner monologue unlike Nellie and I find it not so realistic for Nellie to know where he is all the time and such, sometimes he seems like he undeveloped. Sirius changes as Nellie gets to know him. I hope this makes sense, cause I sort of feel like I'm babbling. It's just Sirius gives off a different impression to the person he is as Nellie finds out.
I play around with cliches for humour reasons mostly, but I can see what you mean. I can understand why you're iffy about fan clubs, I can be too sometimes, so I'm going to take this into consideration and think about if it is needed.
And don't worry, you come off across as really nice, so you didn't seem harsh or anything. I can see you're trying to help and I really value your opinion.
I know and I strive to make Nellie like a normal person; the main thing for me is that the reader can relate to her, and tbh, the way Lily is portrayed, even by JK herself, she seems like the girl that people would be jealous off. When I first wrote this, every girl who got together with a Marauder was always Lily's best friend, so I thought it would be different to give her a best friend that is an OC and let her friendship with Lily develop throughout the story. I thought giving her an OC for a friend was different and I couldn't really imagine Lily throwing a quill at Sirius Black's head.
Yes, that's one of my favorite scenes in the story so far, so I'm glad you liked it.
Thank you so much for your review, it means a lot that you've taken time to do this.
Sorry with my late reply too, it's just I wanted to dedicated some quality time to give a good reply and I couldn't find the time :)
thanks again! Report Review
hi! Your banner and summary attracted me...so here I am!
First off, I want to compliment your banner. Although you didn't make it, it was completely awesome and I gasped. Compliments to who made it!
Now on to the story. A lot of people don't write Dumbledore in first person, so it surprised me when you did. You did justice to his character of course, but I found it hard to get in his head. It might be because he is Dumbledore and I will never ever understand his complexity :p
I thought that the first half of the story was simply reviewing everything that happened in HBP...and it bored me a little. But the other half was absolutely amazing. I teared up when Ariana was there with Albus, and he obvious felt a lot of regret. You portrayed this perfectly, and I think it added to the emotion with Ariana forgave him. Strictly speaking, it wasn't all his fault. Like 25% his fault :)
You have a gift for writing Dumbledore! Because of this, I absolutely admire you and am forever your slave. What shall I read next?
AmberAuthor's Response: Hello there! I always appreciate seeing new readers to my works.
Ha ha, thank you. She's from PC and I really don't know her actual name, but she's pretty amazing.
Heh, I know. It kind-of took me by surprise when the idea hit me to write it from his POV, but I was inspired so I decided to go with it. Why thank you, I'm glad that you felt that I did him justice. Ha ha, aww. I'm sorry, lovely.
I'm sorry that the beginning bored you, but I felt as if it should begin there. All the same, thanks for that input. I'm really glad you found the other half to be so amazing, though. I really do appreciate that. I was hoping that I would portray Ariana accurately.
Thanks, lovely. It's nice to know that I'm admired. Report Review
Hi there! I am absolutely amazed at the intricacy of this story! Even though I don't want to admit it, when I saw that this only had one review, I wondered if it was good or not. I regret that now. You left me in awe by the end of it, and I had to read it again to make sure that I wasn't hallucinated. But I wasn't; you're just completely beast on the keyboard :p
I can truthfully say that I despised anything to do with Bellatrix as a main character, simply because no one characterised her right. I have little critique for this Bellatrix though, because you got into her mind (I didn't even know that it was possible) and wrote the story in a way that even I understood her.
Just so you know, for the first two paragraphs of the story, I was just like...yeah, it's a random victim; nothing special about it. As soon as I saw that she was torturing the Longbottoms, however, my face was like l 0 l. I felt my heart race. And as it continued, I couldn't stop reading it!
I love your writing style. It's really poetic and the repitition of Crucio was a smart thing to do! If JK had a spur of the moment and decided to write this scene, it'd probably be close to this. My only critique is that while we were getting into her mind, I expected it to be a bit more spontaneous and raw...if you know what I mean. And no, I don't mean for this statement to contradict the following paragraph.
There was a reason for this to be mature, I see. A lot of people can't stand reading it, but the torture scene was done well. Very close to bending ToS in fact (but not quite :p)
I'm favoriting it and becoming your loyal servant
Amber~Author's Response: Thank you very much!! I'm really pleased you thought so much of it.
I don't read very much on Bellatrix mainly for the same reasons as you. & I've only written her once before, as Bellatrix before the Death Eaters and I really wanted to try my hand at the Bella we all know and see if I could do her at least a little bit of justice. Therefore, I'm thrilled that you thought I did a good job with her characterisation.
Being compared to JK!!! What an amzing compliment!! Thank you very much. I'm not sure how I decided to go with the theme of crucio, it popped into my head when I thought about Bellatrix, probably because of the infamous Longbottom torture. so it made sense for me to use them in this as well.
It was difficult to get into Bella's mind as I think she's rather far gone on the road to pscyho lol. Although she knew exactly what she was doing and was proud to do it for the Dark Lord and would do it all over again, I wanted to write about her reasoning with herself over what she was doing just to show the madness in her. I'm glad you thought the scene was well done, I didn't want to go overboard or to have it lacking, and I've never written something like that before, so I appreicate you commenting on that!
I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Thanks very much for taking the time to leave such a lovely review Report Review
well, I must admit that I am amazed. This is a really beautiful one-shot, and as I've never really seen a good account of Draco post-war, I really appreciated it. That and you added Pansy :p.
Draco- I really thought that you made him believable. A lot of people will hate him because he's no longer arrogant and snotty, but what they fail to realise is that he changed after Harry saved him. I mean, yes he might still have that air about him sometimes, but he matured. He went a long way. I think you captured this eccense perfectly- everything from his regret to admitting his love was spot on.
Pansy- hmmm. I'm not too sure about her. There are two Pansys in my mind. One of them is really kind to Draco, but she is more infatuated with his money/power/status than loving the person he truly is. Let's face it, before he became a Death Eater, he was a rather nasty piece of work. The second Pansy is nasty to everyone, especially muggle-borns. She's not that nice, and is extremely selfish. I think that canon Pansy is a combination of the two, so that is why I am having such a hard time with this one.
Don't get me wrong. I love AU. But if you were going towards canon-ness, I'm edgy. It's an absolutely fantastic storyline...Pansy dying...Draco caught in a whirlwind of emotions. I just don't think she would be willing to do anything for Draco.
Anyways, as far as the emotions go, they were spot on. You had me at the edge of my seat, reading paragraphs over again because they left an impression on me. Out of all of it, the following line had the most effect:
ďDraco, I donít want to die.Ē
My eyes just watered from reading it again. Death is such a nasty ordeal, and when Draco was thrown into a situation where he had to watch a loved one die again, I really felt for him. The imagery you cast in it as well; her coughing up blood, finally dying in his arms (tear) was really sad.
I may have to add you to my favorites :)Author's Response: Hmmm -- this response is ridiculously overdue. I don't know why I haven't responded before. Oi, I've no excuse; sorry!
Anyways, I'm glad you were amazed. I can't really remember where this story came from, but I remember it had to be about death and Draco/Pansy. So I, thinking that if Draco ended up with someone else other than Pansy, decided to kill her off.
Well, I tried to take both of their characters into account; Draco watching his first 'love' dying because of him---then Pansy. Now, I've gotten a lot of reports that she is OOC here. Granted we only see her when she's slurring mudblood's names, we don't ever get an insight into what kind of person she was. So then, I took her for, when times were good, as a kind of Peter Pettigrew. Going for the boy with the most, and that was Draco. In HBP, when Draco's family lost favor, Pansy would inevitably bail on him as well.
However, when faced with certain death, and no matter how badly Pansy wished otherwise, she was dying---people say things. Perhaps Pansy really wouldn't have done anything for Draco---mistakes are made in words, but dying, she wanted to make amends, I know I would. She'd want to be accepted as a good person that was loved and valuable, because, when you think about it, she wasn't really; average student, she was just a Pureblood.
I think, then that you're right. She didn't really love the person he truly was, and maybe Draco didn't really love her at all; but isn't that the beauty of it? Two people lying to each other as one of them is about to die as a last attempt to make amends. Draco felt an attachment to Pansy yeah, but swept up in the moment, perhaps he said something he didn't mean, you know?
Thus the title.
Anyways, I am glad I urged an emotional response out of you. Rereading the paper (besides being embarrassed by some minor typos) I did get the feeling it was truly sad. And at a pivotal moment in the series as well.
Thank you for the compliment, Grape! I'm glad you liked the story and thank you a million times over for the encouraging review! Report Review
hi Ash! It's Amber from the forums! I can honestly say that this was a unique piece of work!
Obviously this is an intoductory...prologue-ish sort of chapter. That's what I had a feel of anyway. Of course, nothing too action-y went on; mainly it was talking about Laney and how she acted.
You have a very distinct writing voice; the way Laney is talking almost sounds like a diary entry (sort of :P). This is good in some ways. We know what she is thinking, everytime she is thinking it. But it is also bad in others. The beginning sounded overly cliche- the whole I am Laney and I like... was overdone. Don't get me wrong. I love how much you built up your character and I admire your writing style, because even if I attempted it, I would probably fail at writing this. However, we don't need to know everything about her in the first chapter, especially the emotional stuff like her parents leaving her. I also felt that more dialogue could have been inserted, if at all possible. That way, she's not talking alone :)
My only other critique is to not introduce all of her friends at once. Chances are we won't remember what they look like by the next chapter.
You get a sticker for writing a romance. You've got to love Al/ OC goodness ;). I am wandering what you have planned in stored for Laney and Al, especially because even though you gave away a lot, I haven't a clue on the plot.
ďExcuse me, Gryffindor?Ē I had asked, slamming the hat tighter onto my head. ďI donít think so! Iím - supposed - to - be - EVIL!Ē I had bellowed the words, wrestling to force the hat down.
Genius! Inspired! It totally made my morning (7 over here o.0)! Haha, wtf? Completely witty and you couldn't have done it better; especially when I got a good visual image of her beating the hat up and the hat is yelling, "Simpleton!"
Heh. Anyways, this was a good read and I hope you stop by my thread as soon as you can.Author's Response: Hey there, Amber! Thanks for the awesome review!
I have been told that my style of writing is very distinct by others, as well. Typically in writing, one tries to play up their own strengths, so I usually like to work extra tediously with my writing style. It's nice that you pointed that out.
I am not sure what you mean by overly cliche√ā¬Ā. I have done my best to write Laney Becks in the least cliche way possible. The way I chose to write the first chapter of my story was basically to give you some sturdy background and let you understand a little bit about Laney's attitude before I jumped into the story. The beginning statement was meant to be my over all hook.
I'm thrilled you like the sorting piece! This was actually my favourite part, as well.
Thank you again, so much!!
cheers, ash Report Review
Wow. I can not believe how awesome this story is. Not only is your writing top-notch, but as is your plot. Let me explain, shall I?
Okay, well first off, Harry is dead. Thank god (not in a bad way of course. I love Harry. Just not in fanfiction. People tend to muddle him up until you forget who he is). That is a major conflict in the story, and not one that the main characters- in this case Ron and Hermione- can overcome easily. Ron chanting about Harry not wanting to be famous just furthers my point :)
I noticed no POV and/or tense changes, so thatís excellent! Even though POV is rather hard to mess up, tense is something that most people tend to make mistakes on. You didnít though, so you get brownie points.
Hermione made me want to cry. I can not credit you for this line, but tell neutral that she did a great job on it.
But it wouldn't be long. He would be a name in a book in a chapter describing a dark and dreadful day. But the book would get old. Its pages would yellow and its spine would break. Heroes with more grandeur and fame than he ever had would rise. He'd just be a name people would swear on.
That line made me love this story. And after that line, I was hooked on every single word. It really captured Hermioneís mourning and infuriation. According to the Grieving Cycle, it is completely normal to have that so I would say good job.
When Ron walked through the door and admitted that he did not think Harry was a hero, I realized something major. He had grown up. We, as the most loyal of all Harry Potter fans, are so used to seeing Ron in a state of jealousy that we would shun this Ron if we could. Giving the circumstances however, I would have to say that it was a great move, because according to JK Rowling, she said that Ron would mature after one of his loved ones died (reason why she didnít kill off Mr. Weasley). Having him reach this self-actualisation was absolutely terrifying; I must admit that I felt like I was swimming in untraveled territory.
So if you may, I would like to share my predictions with you. I imagine that Ron will become suicidal/depressed and Hermione only wants his love. They will feel guilty about their attraction in light of Harryís death. After some emotional rollercoasters ahead, they will eventually succeed! That is just my hypothesis anyway ;p. Feel free to diss yo!
Absolutely splendid chapter!
AmberAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review! I really appreciated everything you said, and I hope you're not disappointed at some of the plot revelations that come with the next chapters. This was one of my favorite chapters to write, and I think the Ron and Hermione interaction will the stuff I love writing most. I can't wait to do another chapter with them. Report Review
Yay! This story just keeps on getting better and better! Hmm...what was my favourite part?
I think it would have to be when Andromeda woke Teddy up and told him that they were going to church, and then the nude comment. I had a visual of Andromeda sneaking behind Teddy with a bottle of holy water saying, "the power of Christ compels you...the power of Christ compels you,"
Anyways 0.o We got to see more Alex! I actually like him, even though I would rather Ted be with Victoire. He seems laid-back and not as...fa fa as I thought he'd be. At least he doesn't have the stereotypical lisp (I don't think)
I'm really glad you breathed life into him. It is really boring when people are so supportive of one ship they forget what is so magical with the one they begin with. You really took your time and thought this out, and for that I give you an A+ (puts sticker on sheet).
Keep up the great work! This is really one of the best stories I have ever read, because it is compelling, well-written, and has a satisfying plot. I absolutely adore it!Author's Response: Ahh thank you! Very reassuring to hear that. I usually put a lot of effort into the first chapter because I'm so nervous about posting a new story, and then less effort into subsequent ones, but I'm glad to hear it doesn't seem that way x)
Hehe, you actually made me laugh out loud there! :P I love that image of Andromeda.
Yay, I'm glad you like Alex! I always worry about him being too Gary Stu, because as the reader sees him from Ted's perspective all the time you get a bit of a rose-tinted view of him because Ted thinks he's wonderful, even though he has plenty of flaws (which are brought out later). And nope, he definitely doesn't have a lisp xP
As I rarely get A+'s in class, I will treasure that one! Thank you :) And thanks for another brilliant review, as well! :D Report Review
Gasp! You...just...revolutionised the whole realm of Teddy/Victoire. A gay Teddy *gasp*. I thought I was misreading, but after reading the actual chapter, I had to face the facts.
You are a genius.
I mean, a gay Ted? It's so weird that I've never thought of it before but now I can see it. He was raised by Harry and his grandma after all. Of course he would be a little soft :) You characterised him and Alex well. And Andromeda. Well, just about everyone. I am completely in love with the story!
I believe that my favourite part would have to be when Andromeda caught them snogging. She reminds me of an extremely conservative old-lady, so it wasn't that much of a leap for me to imagine it. I'm sure she was absolutely terrified at the prospect of having a gay grandson who likes boys. :(
I am wondering when Harry is going to come in, and of course Victoire. Even though I support gay-ness, I would love for them to be together. It is Ted/Victoire after all. How can they not be together?
I'll stop rambling now and post another review for the next chapter. I can't wait to find out what is going to happen next. No critique except to keep doing what you are doing!Author's Response: Eeek sorry it took me so long to reply! I feel bad, especially as it's such an amazing review! Thank you! And I've never been called a genius before, so that's nice to hear x)
Haha gay Ted. I like to think of him as always gay. I think it kind of suits him. And I definitely think he'd be a bit soft, and probably a bit spoilt too considering the circumstances xD
Glad you like all the characterisations! And in my mind, Andromeda = conservative. I always imagine her as very old fashioned, and so definitely isn't comfortable with him liking boys... :D
Harry and Victoire both appear in chapter three (I think? I should really know my own story better xP). And haha, I have to confess to being a bit of a Teddy/Victoire shipper myself ;)
Thanks so much for this lovely review! :)
Hi! Like I said before, I am still in love with your story and I can't believe how absolutely amazing it is! Please keep up the good work! I can't give you any more critique than I already have; remember to make your story different from all others, so it's not so cliche and whatnot.
The humour in the story was spot-on! Really great job! I was lol'ing about Malfoy being turned into a weasel. It was actually ironic, because don't the Malfoys hate weasles? Aha! So this is where their hatred began! You are one smart cookie :)
I still think that Sirius and Lyla were meant for each other, but we will have to see. Very great story! I can't wait to see what you do with it!
AmberAuthor's Response: Thankyou so much, Im really pleased that you've enjoyed reading the chapters so much, I can't to see what you think about the others. I'm glad you liked the humour in this chapter , this was one of my favourites to write so its always great when people enjoy it.
Thanks again for all your amazing reviews =]
Liz. Report Review
Hi again (sorry you can't shake me off)
I don't think I mentioned it in the previous chapter, but kudos on Lyla's last name. I like the Shakespearean you put in it :)
You know, I always wondered what it felt like to be blind your whole life, so I'm really glad that you decided to give your character a situation like that. I wonder if she will be able to see again some time during the story? Hmmm.
The Sorting was typical. I'm really sorry for sounding awful, but you need to shake it up a bit. I'm sure that once you are done with introductions, you will, but just in case *hmm hm*
Since I felt like I went through it all before (in countless other fics), I really don't know what to say. I knew that she would be in Gryffindor, but can't wait to see what happens between the Marauders, Lily and friends, and Lyla. Hmm. For some reason, I foresee romance :p
On to the next chapter!Author's Response: Hellooo,
yeh i agree with you this chapter was completely predictable but it had to be done and and now we can move on with the rest of the tale.
Thank you for reviewing once again.
Liz. Report Review
I suppose I'm here to give you a review! Hmm...this was really interesting. Lyla and Sirius were best friends from way-back-when? I can't wait to find out more about what that was about, and whether or not we can hope for a romance between the two of them (they seem to have enough chemistry).
Anyways, I thought that this was a good place to start the story. You didn't waste time with introductions, instead you weaved it in naturally without boring us with pointless details. Especially since this is a Maurader's story and there are so many areas where you can go wrong...
My only criticism is that this was slightly cliche. I'm sure you didn't mean to, but the way that they were acting is just how they act in all the other stories (no offense. I realise how monstrous I probably sound). Lyla is slightly Mary-Sue. This is only the first chapter, so I'm not so bothered about it, but strive to be different. That is what makes a good story ;)
I loved it how you got directly to the action, although some might say that it went too fast. It was a smart move, especially if you have a complex plot, and I wonder how you will play it out in the long run.
Grammar was pretty good, but I don't really look for it as much as I do the plot. If it was terribly bad, I would've said something though ;)
AmberAuthor's Response: WOW thanks for the long review: I'll get straight down to it:
Lyla n sirius were friends when they were younger, you do find more out about that as the story unwinds. glad you like their chemistry aswell btw.
Lyla does seem pretty mary-sueish at the start, but she has faults that show themselves quickly enough =]
And you didnt sound monstrous at all I appreciate the honesty, hopefully as the story continues they become less and less like the characters you've read before.
Thankyou again for the review!
Liz. Report Review
I liked this chapter as well. The hilarity of it was spot-on, and I nearly died of shock whenever Scorpius was mentioned (possibly because he is a body-builder model in my mind), and when they had that moment together I finally realised that this being in love with Lysander wouldn't be an easy thing for Rose to admit :) Maybe. Like I said, I believe that this is the ship you are striving for.
What you said about Mrs. Weasley was terribly right (the whole three bazillion people in the house at one time thing) and I couldn't stop laughing, as well as the thing about the cards. You have a gift for writing humour; great job!
Ah Lysander. I think you captured him the best out of all of the stories I've read on here. He is Luna's son after all- it only makes sense for him to be an outcast and oblivious to girls ;)
I can't wait for you to update, as I said before, you have a great storyline and write magnificently. Keep up the great work!Author's Response: Hello!
Everyone does seem to get that impression from him, I'm guessing, but I do like to picture him as effortlessly gorgeous (and oblivious to his own gorgeousness) as possible (; But the ship in question was supposed to be Rose/Scorpius, I'm afraid.
I never did think that I was a funny person... so this is great to hear that I'm doing well with the humorous bits! Thank you for such kind words! They keep me motivated. :D
And I'm glad you like my portrayal of Lysander so much. I did try to capture him as such (outcast and oblivious) because Luna was very much that way herself.
Again, thanks for such lovely reviews! They mean more than you know! I'll update as soon as I can :)
Nadhira Report Review
Hi! I read your summary and absolutely adored it. And when I read the first chapter itself I wasn't disappointed.
So...a (big) part of me wonders if this is a possibl Rose/ Lysander romance. I've never read one but I like the sound of it! If this does happen to be it, I can't wait to read more, and even if it isn't, I'll keep on reading! You have an amazing writing style, and I adore your use of dialogue and description.
The only thing I really had a problem with was the beginning. It was kind of...hard to place. You set up the scene write, but you could have used more description. I had no idea where they were until it mentioned 'Scorpius and Hugo flying above their heads'. It's not really necessary for you to do so...it just might make it flow better.
Hugo and Scorpius are friends? This just proves that you are a revolutionary. I've NEVER seen them portrayed as friends. EVER. Keep up with these absolutely-amazing-yet-still-canon ideas. They make me smile :)
Haha, I think my favourite part of the story was your portrayal of Teddy. He was kind of gay-ish, but in the good way...if you know what I mean? He striked my as such anyways ;)
Absolutely amazing start to a great story. You've got yourself a dedicated reviewer!Author's Response: Oh, I see what you mean. And I'm glad you liked the summary - I'm not one for writing them, so it's a relief to read that it caught your attention :)
I never thought of putting a spin on the story like that, a Rose/Lysander romance I mean. That does seem like a fun ship to write here, but I'm afraid that wasn't the direction I was taking. Maybe I could have him shift his interests to her for a moment of conflict in the long run, though.. hm.. plot bunnies are attacking me as I type (;
I'd never thought of Hugo and Scorpius being friends as that unheard of until so many people pointed out how much they liked it! Aha, well, I guess that shows how friendship can conquer even the biggest age differences :) I also made them friends so that I could give Scorp a connection to the Weasley-Potter clan, and therefore Rose.
But anyways, thanks for reviewing! The next chapter is in progress :)
Nadhira Report Review
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