Love Switchfoot, just saying :P
I adored this chapter, from start to end. It was fascinating and had me hooked.
I've always loved Luna and I love how you have portrayed her. She is never sad in the traditional sense, but rather she shows her sadness through almost imperceptible movements.
I love that this is from Dean's point of view. You have done an amazing job with his emotions and the constant comparison to Luna's emotions.
Both Dean and Luna feel so real. I just love them. This is an amazing piece that captured my imagination from the beginning.
I love how you used that time at Shell Cottage. I feel like Dean is overlooked in that time. After all, he was a close school friend of at least Harry and Ron as they did share a room for six years.
The kiss was done beautifully. Luna's take on it was really nice.
In case you can't tell, I loved this piece. You did an amazing job with it. Your writing was flawless and really nice to read. Great job :D Report Review
Wow! This is really good!
It was well thought out and sounded very educated. Remus always was the smartest one of the group and I find it fascinating to read this. Not very many people write from his perspective so I'm excited to see what you will do with this.
I liked the way you kept the reader guessing as to who's perspective we were reading from (I never read summaries or the character lists, I like to be suprised :P).
The length of the chapter was really nice. It wasn't too long, you could have easily dragged it out, but it was long enough to get the reader interested and to make them want to read more.
I really like what I've seen so far of this, and knowing what happens to Remus (unless this is AU) makes reading this almost bittersweet. I'm also interested in what time period this is set in.
I can't comment much on the plot as this was only an introduction chapter, but I feel your writing style is very strong and so I'm sure the plot is fine.
You seem to know Remus's mind well. I think you will have no problem with your characterisation.
I didn't find any errors in this, though I wasn't really looking for any. It seems very well written.
All in all, good job. I'm interested to see where this goes next :D Report Review
Hello, this is LoopyLemon with your requested review. As you only requested this chapter, this is the only chapter I have read.
I was intrigued by this chapter. You characterised your characters well. They were all realistic and believable. Though I don't know how old James is, he feels like an angsty teenager who is going through something horrible.
I feel like I can guess what Kaitlin is going to say and it doesn't sound like good news. Poor James. I hope he is ok.
This chapter is quite short and not very much happens in it. I don't think it is boring or uninteresting, but there is not a large amount of content in here that will keep people coming back for more. Your writing is good however and it seems you know your characters well. You could have maybe put James' gait training before Kaitlin came. That way you would have the opportunity for some humour and given the reader a little bit more to read. Though as more of this story gets posted, the shorter chapters become less of an issue.
This chapter was enjoyable and well written. Please keep on writing :DAuthor's Response: Thank you :) I'm glad you were interested by this chapter, because that was one of my biggest concerns :) I know it was on the short side, but it felt like the right length at the time. . . . . ah well! I will definitely be adding in some of James' gait training at a later stage! Thank you for such a nice review :) Report Review
This is really good! You had me hooked from the first sentence.
All your characters seem well fleshed out and believable. I really like how you have used actual characters from Harry's year yet this fic is far from being Harry centric. There are not enough stories like this on the forums and I'm really excited to see where you take it.
You did a really good job introducing all the characters and outlining their lives. I feel you portrayed drunk Edie really well. Her story telling was coherent enough to work with the story but her thoughts jumped around enough for her to be realistically drunk.
Your writing is consistently good and there were no mistakes that I picked up on.
This is a fantastic start to a very promising story. I'm excited to see what comes next!Author's Response: Thank you very much! I am so glad you liked. :) I'm ashamed to admit exactly how much of myself was being channeled in to drunk Edie... :/ Report Review
Wow. This is amazing! It's so short, but it feels so much longer. I've read stories many times the length of this that leave much less of an impression and leave me with much less to think about. I adore this. It's the little details that show you what's happening. The note saying "Dear Teddy". Someone being the "Destroyer" of the house of black. You did a wonderful job with this. You should be proudAuthor's Response: It's nearly always a good sign when reviews start with 'wow'. XD
Erm... thank you so, so, so much. I've been staring at this review for ages wondering how the hell I'm going to live up to that praise. Honest to God. Wow. Report Review
This was a good start to the story. You set the scene and the friendships very well.
I liked how you have a large friend group all planned out. Small details like ex's make this story feel more like a high school girl's journey and definitely stop Ava from being a mary sue. You have obviously done all the background research which is nice.
I also liked the touch with the thestrals. Again it gives your character more depth and makes her feel more alive.
The goal setting was a nice touch as well. It sets up future chapters and gives the story a bit of purpose.
This is a quite long chapter and you manage to get a lot of information in it. Yet in saying that I don't know what year Ava is in (I think she's seventh but I'm not sure) or who her mother is. You spend a lot of time explaining the close friendship with Dominique's family but she still isn't given a name.
One thing you could work on in the future, is showing your story rather than telling it. You tell the reader a lot of background information about the characters and there is the chance that could get overwhelming. Sometimes details can be left out of stories and if the author knows them, they will make their way in on their time. Also I'm not sure if it is necessary to explain all the Weasley connections. A lot of people that will read your story will be reading it because of the next-gen tag. They will already know all the relationships between the characters and it could make the story flow better without all those tiny details. Maybe look into getting a beta to read it over.
Otherwise, good first chapter. You introduced your story and the characters and definitely introduced a romance with James. I'm interested to see what happens next.Author's Response: Thank you very much, I really tried hard to plan the friendship group. I'm glad you noticed the thestrals touch cause I wasn't sure everyone would pick up on it.
I realise that I didn't mention that Ava was in her sixth year in my chapter, it's included in the summary of the story though. I'll need to edit the chapter to include that detail, thanks for pointing that out. Ah yeah, Ava's mother. I really should have included more detail about her.
Thank you for all your advice, it's very helpful. Also thank you for all the positives you gave about this chapter. I've tried to get a beta reader by posting on the forums but no one has replied and I posted that about a week and a half ago. So if you have any advice on how to get a beta I'd appreciate it.
Thank you very much for the review :-) Report Review
This was amazing!! I loved it from beginning to end.
You really captured the mind of a three-year-old without making the writing babyish or hard to read. In fact the writing was exquisite. The story was really nicely paced. It never rushed or dragged on and your story was very unique.
I loved the beginning. You introduced your characters really nicely and showed the relationship between the different siblings. I loved how you showed Victoire's accidental magic and it was very realistic that she would be a cruel older sibling. I also loved the anecdote about the pudding. How that was the only thing Dominique had done that was mean and though their mum was mad, it was a very nice pudding.
The washing of the cat was also very well done. I loved the small hints that all was not as it seemed with the strange bottles and things. Also the cat's reaction was very realistic. It was in this part that Louis's age really showed but it was very well done. This line "She was six years old, so she had to be correct." was one of my favourites as it showed Louis's age in a very realistic way.
All the little anecdotes of Louis's life were wonderful. How James won't let him ride his broomstick and Teddy won't let him in his tree house until he is four. I also enjoyed the line about forgetting how to count twelve on his fingers.
You captured all your characters beautifully. Even the cat. I really enjoyed reading this insight into their world. This is a one-shot at it's best. Please keep writing. I would love to see what you create next :DAuthor's Response: Hi, and sorry for the time I took to answer this!
Victoire is terrible, isn't she? I enjoyed writing her through Louis' point of view, and though she is (a little) cruel, I think she also represents what older siblings exist for: tormenting their younger brothers and sisters, but loving them all the same...
The cat's reaction was so much fun to imagine. This actually sprouted from a true story, where my brother and I would chase our cat with glasses of water when we were younger, but we never ended up giving it a bath. My mum had more sense than that (thank Merlin).
Thank you for this lovely review, and don't worry, I'm not planning to stop writing anytime soon :) Report Review
This was a really short first chapter but it definitely grabbed my interest. I liked how you stuck to the book, but gave it a slight twist. Though you possibly need to add a disclaimer if your dialogue is the same as the dialogue in the book (I don't have my books with me so I can't check :P)
Your characters seemed in character, and thanks to the way the story stuck to the book I knew whose perspective I was reading from immediately. This was a wonderful first chapter. I might just go on and read more, despite the large amount of work I really should be doing :PAuthor's Response: Oh thank you so much! yes I'm trying very hard to keep this as close to canon events as i can with adding in the dramione aspects of it all. I'm so glad that you enjoyed this and I really do hope that you decide to come back and read more! thank you for the review!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
This is wonderful!! It's really well written and a nice change from the typical Halloween fics.
I really liked your characterisation of Sirius. I loved how extreme his emotions were. From hating Peter to caring extremely deeply for Harry. It was really well done.
If I had one suggestion to make, it would be to watch your sentence length. The first sentence in particular was too long and became hard to follow.
Other than that however, this story was really really well done. I enjoyed reading it :DAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Originally I was trying to write a Marauders era fic, but Sirius decided that he wouldn't co-operate if I didn't write him bit differently. So this was a result. =)
Thanks for noticing it, I'll keep it in mind in the future. Report Review
This is amazing!! I love how the story progressed!! The introduction was really well done, I really enjoyed the way you started the story so ambiguously.
I loved the way you introduced the two variations on trying and then carefully showed how Draco was one and Astoria was the other.
Your dialogue was consistently realistic and believable. Your characters were very much in character and I enjoyed the banter between them.
This story progressed really nicely. I liked the way you developed Draco and the way you showed he cared quite deeply for Astoria without ever outright saying it.
This story had a really fitting ending. I really liked what you did with all the characters and really enjoyed reading this.
Wonderfully done! Please keep writing! Report Review
This was really really well done!
You did this song-fic really really well. I was pleasantly surprised. It was wonderful in the way the song added to the story rather than supported it. The song would tell a story, and then the story would build off of it rather than re-tell it. I really liked that.
I really liked the story and the characters. They had me hooked. Your story was well thought out and believable.
As I didn't check the era before reading this, I liked how the inclusion of Dom and Roxanne made it very clear what era this is in and which James you were writing about.
One thing I would suggest you improve on, show your story rather than tell it. I know that most of this is a flash back and that it simply wouldn't work in a typical story format, but the intro and ending could have worked on this a little bit.
A great example of this is this sentence: "I was typing out the outline for a new book."
Now read it like this "The keyboard clicked as I wove together my new book" Or something along those lines. See how showing the reader that the keyboard was clicking does the same thing as telling them she is typing, but it also gives them a sound to associate it with. They will be able to hear the keyboard clicking and see Aurora's fingers moving across the keyboard.
There were a couple of grammar mistakes. Running this story past a beta could be beneficial. But overall nothing too serious. The story still flowed very nicely and there was nothing that made me worry about the grammar over the story.
On the idea of a sequel, I don't think this particular story needs one. You end the story on such a strong note. You show just how strong a character Aurora is and I really like the way it ends. However, definitely don't throw away these characters. You could easily extend this piece out into a longer story, you have the characters and the storyline already, or you could write a short story as a sequel just post it separately. I think part of the beauty of this piece is the note it ends on. Aurora just stood up for herself and gave up the love of her life. I would hate to see that ending broken. However this is just my opinion.
Overall a very good piece that was very well done. You incorporated the song beautifully and it fit the story really nicely. I loved reading this. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: I'm so glad you enjoyed the story! :)
I'll work on the grammar and the few bits you mentioned when I get the time. Right now I'm working on editing my other story. After that's done I'll go back to work on this. Maybe in a month or so because of school and all.
I was thinking of having another song fic as its sequel but your suggestion of making a short story seemed more appealing.
Thank you so much for your review! It was really helpful!!! Report Review
This was really enjoyable!
I really liked the struggle between human Remus and the wolf. I loved how the entire way through, Remus was consistent with the fact that the wolf isn't a part of him, that the wolf doesn't own him. Remus's determination was well written and he was in character the entire time
I also enjoyed your depiction of McGonagall. She was very much in character. I liked the way she pitied him but at the same time made sure she still treated him like everyone else. I doubt McGonagall would ever show favouritism to anyone and I liked how you kept that in her character.
Your careful description of the room Remus transforms in and the measures he goes to to keep himself safe is wonderful. I could instantly perceive the shame he felt at having to emerge naked last month and also, to a lesser extent, the shame he felt at being naked as he transformed. I really liked the detail about what happens to his wand.
The wolf's thoughts on the room, how it was his territory as well as his cage, were really well done. You captured the mind of the animal nicely, I really enjoyed seeing things through the wolf's eyes.
I have to admit, I was a little confused when the rest of the maurader's entered the scene. Earlier, Remus had stated that they didn't know yet and that they were half believing that he was sick. Did the maurader's already know he was a werewolf? How did they know how to get into the shrieking shack? I know this is hard to show from the wolf's perspective, but I felt like it was a little unexpected. If they didn't know that there was going to be a werewolf in the room, then why did they transform before they entered the room? Check the third book (or if you don't have access to it, the Harry Potter Lexicon is an incredible resource) for any information about the maurader's discovering Remus's "furry little problem".
Aside from that, from the short exposure you gave of the human maurader's I think you captured them well. I enjoyed reading the battle with the animals and liked how James and subsequently Sirius submitted to the wolf and gave him a somewhat false sense of superiority. You didn't skimp on details and I liked that. I also liked how you stayed true to the wolf's feelings. You showed the conflicted feelings from the wolf about leaving his territory yet showed the unbridled curiosity as to what lies outside of his cage.
This is a new take on a Remus story and I really enjoyed it. You did a fantastic job at creating your characters and really fleshing them out while keeping them in canon. Great work :DAuthor's Response: Hey! Finally made it here to answer your review! :D
Remus and Wolf sort of dislike each other right now. Remus hates Wolf because he represents what he is. Or at least what he thinks he is. Remus thinks he's a monster and grew up in a society where werewolves are the lowest of the low in the social ladder. Wolf hates Remus just because he doesn't give Wolf the freedom that he wants/needs. They have, however, no choice but to deal with each other.
McGonagall feels bad for Remus and is even terrified of him but she still treats him like a normal students. Because she doesn't care and trusts Dumbledore's judgement about Remus.
Ah, if you read chapter 2 you'll know what really happens. Remus THINKS that his friends don't know but actually they do. There's a long explanation about the why and how things were done. At least, my version of things.
James and Sirius certainly do give Wolf a false sense of Alpha-ship. However...its best they do because really...would you argue with a werewolf? Haha. They don't mind, however. Remus on the other hand is the one that doesn't feel comfortable with that since it is not in his personality if that makes sense.
Canon for me is a big thing so you'll see a lot of that in this story until the very end.
Until next time!
--Rosie Report Review
This is beautiful!
The first half was a wonderful insight into Gellert's mind. It was hugely enjoyable to read. You started it perfectly. Serendipitous is a really awesome word with a unique meaning. How did you decide to put it in there? You caught me completely by surprise with Ariana being the one he loved. I'm really interested to see how you progress his relationship with Albus.
The line where Ariana leads him to paradise was beautiful and perfect. It tugged on my heart strings.
The second half was a little slower going, but as this is longer than a one-shot, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact this chapter left me with just enough of a taster, I really want to read the rest now. It was a brilliant introduction.
This story most definitely follows logical order. It is really nice and easy to follow and a complete pleasure to read.
As for grammar and spelling. I wasn't watching too closely but you have missed words in a couple of places and a couple of sentences could be re-written for better flow and easier reading. Considering the length of this chapter, you have made a very good effort. To pick up these few remaining errors I suggest you read through your work one paragraph at a time, looking at each individual sentence on its own. Don't start reading the story, but simply read each sentence out and clarify that that individual sentence makes sense.
A couple of specifics I picked up:
- People passing in the street smile and greeted one another. (Should be smiled)
- held only several hundred tenants with over of the land owners being elderly. (I think you're just missing a word)
- You would get along quit well with (Should be spelled quite)
Don't worry too much about that though. It didn't affect the reading of the piece greatly.
I liked the parallel to the weeping angel, though it did make the setting more sinister than I think you intended (That's assuming the weeping angel was a reference to Doctor Who). And the reference to the bible quote was well done, I find writers tend to ignore the large influence Christianity had on JKR and therefore on her world.
All in all I really enjoyed this piece. It tugged on my heartstrings and made me feel a deep sense of compassion with the older Gellert, and then gave me just enough of a taster for younger Gellert's story that I am now hooked and can't wait for more :DAuthor's Response: Wow, a long one!
I didn't really. I have a doc on my computer called 'cool words' and I found that word on it so I just integrated it into my story. :D
Thank you for pointing out those mistakes (I'm awful at picking them out myself).
Jasmine, x Report Review
My first requested review!!
To be completely honest, I liked this piece. It was real and your character was real. I liked her description of the cafe and how she felt she was backstage at a theatre, how she is losing her drama in other people's.
However you lost me at the end. If this was a longer piece, that would be ok, but you finished this one-shot with the reader having no idea where your character fits. Is the main character Rita Skeeter's sister-in-law or Fleur's? If she is Fleur's then where does she fit? It is still really nicely written and I still enjoyed reading it. I strangely like the main character, sympathise with her.
This is a very short piece. This is definitely not a bad thing, it means you have plenty of room to extend it more. Make the internal monologue longer. Show us more of the character before Rita comes in. Maybe reflect on Rita and expand on Rita's connection with the main character. Expand on why Ginny and Fleur were at her wedding. How does she know them. Expand more on her husband. Why does she live in cafes.
To be very specific, work on the last 5 paragraphs. Expand them. Think about them as if you were a first time reader. What do they convey? What is happening in them? What is your main character thinking? Everything up to there works beautifully.
Your writing is exquisite and I really liked the style of this piece. I feel like you know the character intimately and this is a really good thing. You got in her head and I love pieces which expand on a moment in someone's life. This is well done, and I enjoyed reading it.
To answer your author's note, I don't think I would hate her. But that doesn't really reflect on your writing because I have this annoying habit of looking for people's redeeming characteristics. I would love to learn more about this woman and her view on the world.
As for whether this piece is boring or pointless. No. Good writing is always enjoyable, even if you are describing nothing more than the wind waving in the breeze. The thing with reading and writing, is that it gives you a chance to view the world through someone else's eyes and the value of that should never be underestimated.
All in all, good job. I hope my review has been constructive :) Please let me know what you think.Author's Response: I'm glad you liked that - I had this idea of Audrey as an actor, but like an actor in the wrong place... if that makes any sense at all.
I'm sorry, I should have made that clearer - she's Audrey Weasley, so Percy's wife. I mentioned her by her first name in the summary, so I just sort of assumed that you guys would know who I'm on about. I'll edit this at some point to include that in my author's note. Sorry about the confusion.
See, I write really short pieces, and I'm scared that I might mess this up if I wrote an extended version - Audrey is a pretty dull character and I'd pretty much gone through what I thought was worth writing about her before Rita turned up.
And I honestly have no idea why she lives in cafes - the implication is that she's escaping the beauty she doesn't like, I think she even says so at one point... wait...
"Perhaps this is why I am here in these cheap Muggle cafes. I am safe here from glamour charms and Veela and expensive make-up. I can sit here and reflect, with my notebook filled with invented confessions and dreary poetry."
So maybe there is a reason after all, though obviously you don't have to believe her if you don't want to. :P
I don't know what they convey - I'm not that objective.
What's supposed to be happening is that Rita Skeeter's turned up and Audrey is generally not too fond of her, hence her description of what kind of artist Rita is. I think. I don't know. I get a kick out of ambiguity.
This was really fun to write - I feel like I'm doing Legilimency! - and I'm glad you enjoyed it even though there's basically no plot.
I was sort of trying to make her a bit like Satan in Paradise Lost - you either hate Satan, think he's just being an idiot, or you agree with him - but I'm glad you disagree with the question. People's opinions are fun, and maybe I will write more Audrey in the future.
Anyway. Thank you so much for your review! You've given me a lot to think about. :) Report Review
That conversation was a beautiful way to introduce the characters more. I'm really excited about seeing where this goes.
I liked the way you characterised Ravenclaw and showed that just because they were in Ravenclaw didn't automatically make them the top of the class.
This conversation added depth to both Oliver and Amelia, though reading Amelia I immediately thought Amelia Pond. Don't know if I should or not :P Too much Doctor Who for me.
Again, good job. Also, I should really go study...Author's Response: Conversations are the best. I love dialogue. I am a dialogue fiend.
I'm really enjoying exploring the dynamics of Slytherin and Ravenclaw in this story - especially since Pottermore put me in Slytherin so I feel I have more of an affinity with both houses :P And I just generally find house dynamics really interesting.
I have that problem too, but I think that's mainly down to the name. Though I suppose it's easier that I have a very clear image of Amelia in my head that is not Karen Gillan. I should maybe include a physical description at some point in my story...that could be important. Have I even mentioned that she's ginger? I suppose the banner does that...
Anyway, enough rambling from me. I should go sleep, and study tomorrow morning. I hope to see some more reviews from you soon! (no pressure) Report Review
I have an exam that requires a lot of studying so naturally I came to check out your story :D
So far, I love it. It's a new angle on the story that I haven't seen before and I'm really excited to see what the future holds. I love how you just jump into the story with no preliminaries. We know so much about the character already yet you never introduced her as such. I love how you have the ability to do that.
Also, I love how she doesn't know everything about Harry Potter and his social life. Sometimes I get the feeling that because the books are based around Harry, it also seems like Hogwarts is based around Harry. I love it when stories are written in Harry's time but they aren't Harry-centric. Because I always felt like Harry, Ron and Hermione were actually quite socially disconnected, always wrapped in their own world, Harry in particular.
I am wondering who Oliver is and what house he is in. Is he a character I already know and my brain has just managed to wipe him out for a bit?
Anyways, good start. I'm really looking forward to the rest of the story :)Author's Response: I have an exam that requires a lot of studying, so naturally I come on here to respond to your review :P
That is literally what everyone says! I'm surprised at how different having an OC in the Hogwarts era seems to be - I would have thought following the canon completely is rather unoriginal, but evidently there's a gap in the market :P
I love slipping details of my characters in without sitting down and writing a paragraph on what she looks like and who her friends are and what she's good at (actually I don't think I've really described her physical appearance in the story at all so far - that's awkward because everyone probably has different pictures of her and I know exactly what she looks like, so I'll throw a detail in there and the readers will be like "wait what, I thought she was short," or something)
I don't think Hogwarts was Harry-centric at all. Obviously most students would know his name, but there are always a handful of students who everyone at the school knows, and Amelia herself is one of those students. And I love writing stories set in the Hogwarts era that don't centre around Harry, so this is a good system. We should keep it up.
No, Oliver is a brand new OC who I'm bringing in for the first time. More details about him come later in the story (like chapter 2, which I see you've already reviewed - you're the best)
Glad you're enjoying it, and thanks for the review! Report Review
This is really good. I could feel Harry's pain and that intense hopelessness when you know something is wrong and you know that there is no reason anything should be wrong.
Harry has no reason to be in the state he is but that is what makes the piece so compelling. You captured the feeling of this piece amazingly and you made Harry's terror feel extraordinarily real.
I love how you took a part from the book that we supposedly know the outcome to and changed the outcome. Though it's sad that Sirius is dead, it also added a depth to the piece that just added to how real the piece feels.
I loved how as I was reading this, there was almost a disconnect with the piece, as if Harry himself didn't believe what was happening, but at the same time he knew he was slowly going mad. It was really well done.
The bit at the end was also great at grounding the piece and making it feel even more real.
I really enjoyed this. Good job :DAuthor's Response: Hey! It's great to see you by this story -- I'm really, really happy you did stop by, in fact. Writing stories where Harry goes mad are sort of favorites of mine... although I couldn't tell you why!
Incidental madness like the sort I write here is some of the most fascinating to me, and I've done a fair bit of research on it, just because of things like this. I'm so happy you thought the feel of it was right! :3 I wanted to ground this story in canon as much as possible, and I do think it's possible, however slightly, that Harry COULD have gone mad, in canon. There's a lot of stress to be had when Voldemort's inside your mind, to be sure.
The disconnect was intentional as well! I'm seriously so happy you picked up on these things; astute readers are always so rewarding. ♥ The owls were a happy incident resulting from this banner, which I saw and snagged from an UFG thread, and it's great how people have reacted to that. Happy accidents, and all that!
Thanks so much for leaving me this review. ♥ It's taken me a while to respond to it, and I'm sorry for that -- but I do appreciate it so much! Report Review
Ooooh I want to read!!
This was a fantastic prologue. A wonderful taster of the story to come. I know that we are reading from Astoria's point of view even though it is never stated. Being able to know these details without having to be explicitly told is amazing.
I loved the line about her being a traitor. I think it is very fitting that this is who Draco falls in love with.
Please keep writing this, it looks amazing! :D Report Review
Ooooh I want to know what Charlie is going to do!! This was really entertaining. You characterised everyone perfectly. I love how deceiving Molly is, it's just perfect. Of course nobody would volunteer themselves but I can see Molly volunteering them in exactly that way. I always adored Molly.
This was really enjoyable to read and it flows at a really nice rate. At no point does it seem like you've left out too much detail or added too much. You keep the story moving without missing the details.
I love how you have written the Weasley family. They seem very natural, not forced at all. I love the bit where Ginny jumps on Bill's back. It is obvious from the books that the Weasley's are all very close but you don't get to see it in action very often. I also love this line "Ron recounting properly how he and his best friends had now saved the world (twice)," Of course Ron would boast about it! That line made me laugh :)
All in all a very good introduction. I loved it and can't wait for the next couple of chapters!! :DAuthor's Response: Hehe oh, Charlie's scene was one of the funnest to write; I hope you will not be disappointed! I'm so glad you liked everyone's characterisations, particularly Molly's, because they're the driving force(s) behind this silly little story and Molly's one of my all-time favourite characters as well!
Ooh yay, flow and enjoyableness are two of the main things I worry about tbh, so I'm really glad they work. Writing humour can have you on unstable ground when I'm not sure if it's just me laughing :L And thankyou!
Hehe ooh, I am glad they're natural enough, since I've tried writing most of them before and the results are mixed! I do sort of miss out seeing normal Weasley interaction even though they weren't in the books (if that makes sense?) so I'm very happy that it worked! I do love the Weasleys. And Ron, haha, I couldn't picture him being anything but VERY proud about that :')
Thank you very much for this lovely review! :D Report Review
This is really really good!! You had me captured from the first sentence. I love how you portrayed Cho, how you showed her strength in her youth. You never told us how good she was at her subjects, you showed us in a way that brought her character completely to life.
I really enjoyed the fact that this was mostly in flash back form. I also like how you hinted at the dragon long before the reader was able to put the pieces together.
I really liked how you didn't completely rely on Cedric's death as to how she got to where she was. The idea that her mother left her without saying goodbye or I love you is so heart wrenching. That must be horrible to have to endure as a 13 year old.
You turned all the things that had wronged her into dragons. I liked that. I liked how it made the experiences somehow more real, and it obviously made them easier for Cho to deal with.
I also liked how you eased the reader into the idea that Cho is now a dragon. It seems such a logical way to deal with her pain. And the way you built up her skills made it very easy to believe that she would be able to achieve that. I hope Cho finds her peace in that form.
One drawback I would have is the extra long AN at the end. I like reading them and I felt like it took away some of the magic of the piece knowing that it *had* to contain those elements. I know that they are there for a reason but I'm guessing the competition is over now. They could possibly be removed in a future edit. Aside from that, I have absolutely no quarrels with this piece. I enjoyed it from beginning to end.
Wonderful job :D Report Review
Wow. Just wow. This is amazing. Really really good. I really enjoyed this.
I have actually thought along these lines before. I love how nicely you tied Snape into these sins and how comfortable it felt. You took his story and put it into a form that felt so real. You can imagine Snape sitting in the headmasters office reflecting on the movements that got him there. All the sins felt so right in the order that they were there.
And Snape feeling like Hope had destroyed him the most was so perfect. It is such a Snape conclusion to make. I really enjoyed this piece :)Author's Response: Hey! I love random reviews -- really, thank you so much for taking the time to leave this. :) I'm so happy you liked it so much!
I think that thinking along the lines of Severus and deadly sins is pretty natural; I'm not surprised you've thought of it before. :P It came very easily while writing it, and the idea itself didn't have a lot of concrete formation, as opposed to just suddenly /appearing/, per se. I worked and played around a bit with the order of the list of sins, too, so I'm doubly appreciative that you thought that was done well!
Thanks so much for taking the time to review this for me; it really does mean a lot, though it's kind of hard to convey in a response. :) Hoping to see you back by here again before too long! Report Review
This is really really good!! I really enjoyed it. I liked the way it flowed with a dreamlike quality. It was easy to drift from paragraph to paragraph and see the dream unfold through Lily's eyes.
I liked James' musings at the end. They were a nice touch to round off the piece and give it some grounding.
I noticed a spelling mistake "He sore again..." It didn't detract from reading the piece, just thought you might want to know about it.
Also, to get rid of the extra blank space, use the plain text editor when copying your text from word. The extra space wasn't bad in this piece, but once you start adding lots of dialogue it can get vaguely annoying. I had to learn this one the hard way :)
All in all, good piece. I enjoyed reading it :)Author's Response: Thank you for bringing that spelling/spacing issue to my attention! It really does help. Surprisingly enough, I find spelling/formatting a big role in what I choose to read these days!
I really loved writing this because my style is more dreamlike, but I don't often get a chance to write it, so this was fun for me. I'm glad you liked it.
~Elle Report Review
I really enjoyed this! You captured their ages wonderfully. I loved the way the favouritism of Dudley was so clearly shown without making the Dursleys seem unrealistic. I loved how Harry simply ignored Vernon when he had fallen on the ground. You kept everyone really nicely in character and I can completely imagine this actually happening. I also adored the doctor's comment about the front lawn. Vernon would be the last person to ever congratulate Harry. Well done :)Author's Response: Thank you very much for the lovely review! I'm always a bit worried that my portrayal of the Dursley's was a bit over-the-top, but I'm glad you liked it! I'm also always very wary about keeping everyone in character - similar to the previous point - and so thank you for pointing that out as well! xo Report Review
This was really cool! Really fun and playful, showing Arthur and Molly before they had a large number of children (and the twins). I loved that you showed Molly laughing at Bill and Charlie as we really don't see that side of her during the books but you kind of get the idea that she has a lighter side. She did marry Arthur Weasly after all.
I really like the inclusion of Rock, Paper "Skeezers". I find this kinda funny because we say scissors differently with my accent so it really accentuates the Brittishness of the piece.
Good job. I really enjoyed it. Report Review
This was beautifully written. So realistic. I loved the way Ron seemed so cowed by Hermione but then the story showed that he had actually been a pretty awesome husband.
I love the line about feeling the pang of annoyance at anyone other than her holding her baby. It's such a natural feeling, I'm glad you included it.
This was really well written. I really enjoyed reading it :) Report Review
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