Well, I'd already read some of this and couldn't wait to read the rest of it today! Love is all I can really say for this. You wrote it brilliantly as you can really feel the angst and emotions the Scorpius has throughout the piece. It was a nice ending too, I was half expecting it to be a sad one but it wasn't. After everything dear Scorpius had been through I think a happy ending was a good choice for him.
What else did I love about it? The fact that it's not the same as all those other Rose/Scorpius stories out there! Don't get me wrong, they're good (mostly) but it was so refreshing to read something different and it held my attention more.
You captured Rose and her lets rebel and be FUN phase wonderfully. She reminded me of a friend actually which when I think of it is slightly scary.
Overall, I really liked it as it was different and very well written (even with my laughter at broody ;)) I'm so glad you had the motivation to write this because it is fantastic. And any time you need a soundboard you know where to find me :) Twas my pleasure to help out! 10/10Author's Response: Oh my dearest Kero,
I'm so happy you came to review! I'm glad you like all the emotion I put into it, because it really was a focus of mine. I wanted it to be very descriptive, to feel like you were there and I'm happy that I got to achieve that a little bit.
I'm also very happy it's not the same as all the Rose Scorpius stories that are currently out there. That would be counterproductive, wouldn't it? haha. It also helps that I don't read next gen, I'm sure!
I think Rose could totally have a rebel phase, and I had a great time writing her!
I am so very happy that you liked this story, and I am happy you took the time to read it!! You're the best :) Report Review
Wow this was amazing. I love that you took something so untouched on in canon and just invented the details around it so believably. I Loved the tone of the piece as well and the little twists and turns that you supplied. I was thinking that you were going to show how she hadn't killed any of her husbands until BAM! she killed one. Surprisingly I was shocked and yet it gripped me all the more to the piece. The starting line definitely had me hooked as like many I always thought that there was something dodgy with Ms. Zabini and all her husbands so this opening line definitely grabbed my attention and urged me to read on. The ending line too was brilliant and sent a little shiver down my spine. You've written this very well and really brought to life the smallest of characters. Not only that, but you've made her appear so human, not the cold and callous money-grabber that she is assumed to be. You've really given a a thorough and believable back story. Love! 10/10 Report Review
I loved this one so much! Peeves such a character and you really captured him in this. I particularly loved his names for people and the little rhymes! They're such a Peeves thing to do. It was so brilliantly written exactly how I would imagine Peeves to tell it and I couldn't help but laugh. I hope Im right in assuming it was when they went to steal Gryffindor's sword. It was absolutely brilliant and Im struggling to find any fault. Great job again scooterbug! Report Review
This was a great chapter because it showed Firenze in a different light to what we're accustomed to seeing. It was also really clever to do this from Neville's PoV because it showed not only Neville's thoughts and feelings but also a different perspective on Divination and Firenze's character. This was really well written and the grammar was absolutely fine! Great job! Report Review
This was a great one-shot about just what Ginny was feeling during the year. I loved that thing with the peas because its so easy to associate rolling on a plate with pre-occupation. The fact that she didn't even like them all that much and they were still there anyway just showed how much she really wasn't concentrating on anything else. I really liked this as it showed that there were other ways to make a stand against the regime that didn't include being vocal. Great job scooterbug! Report Review
Wow. I loved this. You could really feel the different emotions that Marietta had. Everyone hates her because she sold out the DA but now seeing her side of things I feel so bad for her. You wrote this brilliantly! The last couple of lines were amazing too and a great way to end the piece. Marietta trying to atone for what she did against Harry but also for herself and her family. You really made Marietta appear so much more human and it was a brilliant one-shot. Truly deserving of first place! Report Review
Woo girl power! This is a really nice precursor to Hannah and Neville getting together. I feel so bad for Hannah at the beginning of the piece where she talks about her being high on Voldemort's kill list and yet when she carries on on her woe is me pattern I get really annoyed! I don't know if that was intentionally but I started to really hate her. I was like "Girl! Hush! There are people worse off than you so quit your moping and do something about it!" The section with Neville was sweet and yet I wouldn't expect anything else after all that Hannah had told us before. The ending was brilliant. "Just try and stop me" Love it! Great job Report Review
This was a great one-shot and I can so see Lavender going to Trelawney for advice. I thought that perhaps the fight scene was a little out of character for Trelawney especially after HBP. I just can't see her being together enough to actually fire and block curses. I liked the fact that Trelawney hadn't seen Lavender's choice but rather felt it. My only criticism would be that you occasionally referred to Alecto as he or him and when she was introduced you used "women" the plural rather than the singular. Other than the gender confusion though it was a highly entertaining piece. Great job! Report Review
Oh no! That was so sad because we know what's really going to happen! You could really feel the pain that Dennis felt over not being able to do anything and his total despair. I liked the fact that you had them hiding in the Diggory's house. We never know what happens to them but we know that one of them ends up at Hogwarts to fight. I liked this take on the year out. There were a couple of issues with the use of the wrong homonym such as "role of film" where it should be "roll" but other than that the piece was brilliant. Great job! Report Review
This was a great snippet from DH. It showed really well the things the teachers would do just to ensure that the students were kept from harm. I loved your characterisation of Flitwick. He was cute but also serious when needs be and that's exactly how I saw him in canon. His little internal conversation over the rumour was brilliant too. My only thing with it was a couple of typos. Glace should have been glance and to girls should have been two girls but other than that it was great. Good job! Report Review
What a non 12+ word that Everett is! He reminds me a lot of Umbridge and yet he just doesn't seem to quite have her mean streak. I loved your version of Diagon Alley too! It was like an amalgamation of Diagon Alley and Platform 9 3/4. It was actually kinda cute and I love the American spin on it. Fig = love. He is such a great guy! And you just know that something big is going to go down in New York because Harry Potter's in town. Exciting Stuff!!! Again, your grammar etc was fine and the only criticism I have is really me just nit-picking but in your end of chapter Author's Note the chapter has a slightly different title to the official one. I would suggest changing in to the one in your A/N because the original confused me for a moment due to my non-Americanness. Other than that though Great Chapter!!!Author's Response: Fig is a great guy, I gotta hand it to ya. At least, I think he's a great guy! Some people have different opinions on the subject, you know? Everett has been getting some call back to Umbridge, something I'm none too surprised about.
Poor New York. A character like Harry there is bound to stir up some issues! haha
I've removed that A/N - it's unnecessary, and thanks for letting me know it had the wrong chapter name.
Thanks again Keros! I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. :) Report Review
Wow! I really liked this especially the bit with Ricky and his mum. It was a totally new way of introducing the characters and I really liked it. Too many stories start with this is so and so who looks like this and does this blah blah blah. I loved your narrative too it was just dripping with foreboding and actually almost sinister in nature. Normally I would be a bit dubious about that but you know what? It works! I already hate Everett for his attitude but I love him as a character. Who doesn't love a villain? Grammar etc. were all fine and this was a great opening chapter that set the scene for the story without giving too much away. Great job!Author's Response: Thanks for the thorough review Keros! Glad you finally got around to reading this! (No sarcasm there, take it for what it says =D) I'm pleased Ricky wasn't an annoying character for you - I think maybe the way I had him presented in the past was rather poor, but at least now it reads like it should. A fresh way of introducing characters. ;)
Everett does seem like a jerk doesn't he? Thanks again for the review miss!
JD Report Review
Ok so I loved this. Seriously. I mean I always felt that Lily actually over-reacted with that incident and would love for her to make up with Severus. I love that you set this at Christmas too because it is traditionally the time for reconciliation and they did reconcile so YAY! I totally love Severus/Lily and this was just so them.
I thought your characterisations were spot on with canon. And the ending was just magical. Sure, you could have extended it longer but I think that this little snap-shot was just perfect in length and content. Great job LR!Author's Response: Oh my dearest Kero!
I'm glad you loved this, and I'm so glad you podcasted it! It makes me happy. I do love this story to bits, and you brought it alive.
I think Lily over-reacted a bit too, honestly. I mean, he did call her a mudblood and I guess maybe that was the final straw, but I always thought they could remain friends in some way or fashion.
I'm glad you liked my characterization, and I like the way you said that- the ending was magical. :) I AGREE! hehe. S/L love!!!
Thanks for reviewing dear :) Report Review
Okay so I'm not a big Lily/James fan as you know but I really liked this. I loved just how ordinary they seemed as if they really could be anyone. Your description was really lovely and this isn't a way that I've seen for Lily to start to look at James differently before so for me at least, it was really original. Sure it was fluffy at then end but it just showed how much her view of James had changed. Great job!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review. I'm glad that you found Lily original even though she has been written so many times, in so many ways. I really appreciate your feedback, dear. :) Report Review
Another great chapter. It was interesting to have the owl come at night rather than during the day with the usual owl post as would be expected. I think you really captured Caprice's emotions well in this especially her incredulity. I just want to hug Sirius and take him home with me. It's very interesting that you haven't mentioned any unexplained occurrences around Caprice yet, making the letter even more of a shock and surprise.
My only sort of issue with this is Sirius going out in to the street and shouting about it. Even though his character tends to give in to excitement I just don't think that his parents would let him out in to the Muggle street at any point let alone then. Also, I think even Sirius would have had the presence of mind to not go shouting about Hogwarts in the middle of the street where Muggles live.
Other than that though it was great. On to chapter 3
~KeroAuthor's Response: Hey again!
Thanks again for reading this chapter and for another great review! Lol I will loan you my Sirius if you keep reading and continue to like it :P lol kidding!
I know it's a little weird that Sirius is yelling outside, but this will be somewhat explained later.
Thanks anyway! Glad you like the chapter overall! :) Report Review
Hi! This is a very mysterious start and I love the fact that she's a 'Muggle' living next to the Black's. This whole rebellion against anything lady-like is brilliant. It's such a parallel to Sirius and the Black family, love.
I assume that this is set in 1971 (or thereabouts) but I was just wondering over some of the details such as the governess and things like that. It seems very Victorian/Edwardian. Whilst that isn't necessarily bad I just don't feel that it fits very well here. If you perhaps mentioned something more modern with it then it wouldn't be so awkward. Maybe a childrens writer of the time, or the fact that despite how rich they are she isnt allowed to watch the television?
There were a couple of issues with grammar like misplaced commas but that's nothing major. I'm curious about your formatting though as it seems that you start every sentence on a new line. That actually draws my attention away from what you have written so I would suggest grouping the sentences together so that the only line breaks are between paragraphs.
I really like this actually and I can't wait to see what's going to happen in chapter 2. Great Job!
~KeroAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reviewing my story :)
I'm glad you think the story line is cool especially since this story was written on a whim!
I will work on the Victorian feeling to make it more modern, thanks for the suggestion!
Yes there are some grammar and typographic errors, but I haven't really had time to go through the writing myself. I will correct them when I get a chance :)
Thanks so much for reading and thank you for the great review! Report Review
Great one-shot! I liked your characterisation of the Founders and I really liked the language you used for speech. People tend to forget that the Founders didn't speak how we do today and you managed to avoid falling in to that so well done.
Just noticed a couple of things. In the first sentence you put "After almost three years after Hogwarts" You should only have the first 'after' otherwise it doesn't make sense.
And I'm just being really picky but muggle-borns should be capitalised and read Muggle-borns and Pure blood in the context used should be one word. The same goes for pure-blood, should be pureblood.
Other than that it was really good. The argument could have perhaps become more heated with the occasional wand being drawn but what you wrote worked really well. I really loved the more vulnerable indecisive side you showed of Salazar. It really got across the point that he is human and has human emotions like the others and is not inherently evil.
Great job! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
I figured there would be some mistakes since I did most of the writing right before bed, but I had hoped I had caught them all.
My original plan was to have it more heated with wands being drawn, but by the time I figured out how I wanted to work it in, I didn't think I'd have enough time to fix it and have it finished in time. Report Review
Wow. I just want to quickly say that that was so amazing, so powerful and that I am rapidly fanning my eyes so as not to cry.
I loved the full circle effect with the repetition of "My son. My son. My Neville." I rounds it off nicely and I am so glad that you didn't end it with her miraculously being cured as that would have just spoilt the beauty of the piece. That little bit that she had was just so poignant and moving and...I can't continue without crying as I already had to stop writing this once.
I can safely say without a shadow of a doubt that I will definitely remember this piece. You incorporated Confucius beautifully here and really turned it in to your own.
I noticed a couple of grammatical issues such as misplaced or missing commas etc but they were so few and far between and your narrative was just so (I really need to find some more synonyms here) beautiful that I couldn't care less really and it didn't detract from what you had written at all
I'm off to get a tissue now but AMAZING! 10/10 Report Review
I'm so glad that they got their happy ending :) I was so sad at the end of Two to Tango when they didn't. Loved! Your grammar was excellent throughout, your characterisations of Issy and Nicky just made me smile so much. Yes it was fluffy but it just worked so well really. Loved the quote from Corinthians I as well. It works so well there and it actually reminded me of my parents as they had it at their wedding. Nice touch really as you wouldn't expect a Bible passage in a wizarding so that was really unusual and yet so appropriate especially because of everything that they have gone through. I loved it, nothing more I can say really. GREAT JOB XD Report Review
Again, wow. I'm struggling to find anything wrong with this part. I like that you didn't then switch to Astoria's PoV as such with this chapter, but rather kept the third person narrative and interspersed it with Astoria's thoughts and feelings.
This piece as a whole was very thought provoking and actually chilling. I love the ambiguity of the title too as it leaves it open to reader interpretation what the monster is. Is it Draco himself? Is it the feeling of jealousy? Is it actually love?
It's so sad that Astoria dies in the end but the fact that she "never once flinched" adds such a poignancy to it. The subtlety of the piece as a whole, as well as the ending are brilliant. You're writing style really serves that purpose. The ending is brilliant. If you had tried to complicate it or use anything other than those tree simple sentences then the whole tone of the piece and its effect on the reader would have been lost.
KeroAuthor's Response: Dear Kero,
I am pleased to see your response was wow after reading this. I am a little put out you are struggling to find anything wrong, but I understand fully what you intended that sentence to mean, so I won't hold it against you. It was Astoria's POV at a distance, you are right, and even then we only see quips and pieces of what she is really thinking. Glad you noticed.
It was a bit chilling, I'll agree to that. Thought provoking, well, to each her own. I thought it was as well, but only if you really understand what's going on, which I'm sure you pride yourself on doing, so we are akin there. Monster is indeed a very ambivalent title, leaving many of the open strings permanently so, which is also another aspect, I'm sure, of that thought provoking thing.
Not flinching adds more than poignancy in my opinion. Much more. I believe that Astoria's mind would have been so much more interesting to have delved into than Draco's. Draco's mind state was posted and unchanging, knowing the entire time what his goal must be, but simply running through his past thoughts and actions before commencing. Astoria could have changed these events. Changed herself, changed her life - her marriage, but she didn't. That is the kicker. She accepted her fate. Why? Taking her ring off - sitting at the table, not flinching. There are hints as to a lot of things throughout the piece, some have yet to be picked up on, like you said - subtlety. I am pleased as well that you liked those sentences. They fit perfectly and worked rather well with the piece, I think.
Thank you very much for the review.
Jackson Robles Report Review
Wow. A new twist on the Draco/Astoria story and I love it. Writing this from Draco's PoV really helps you to empathise with him. You really get the feeling from this that despite, or rather because of his own upbringing, Draco wants to maintain a happy family unit as it were.
Although normally extensive use of rhetorical questions can be detrimental to a piece, I think that here they were actually necessary, as they reflected the inner turmoil that Draco felt over the whole situation. Oh, and using Michael Corner is genius, he would be the person I would least expect so that was really clever.
The only criticism I have is just a little technicality of Legillimency. You wrote: "had she performed Legillimens?" The correct term here is Legillimency as Legillimens is the incantation for the 'spell'
Other than that it was brilliant! Keep up the good work
KeroAuthor's Response: Yes, it seems like the nuclear family would be extremely important for the young boy inside of him. The happy, complete family.
Draco did have a lot of questions I suppose, as his mind was confused. Yup yup! Michael! Yay for Michael! And since he didn't end up with Cho I figured I could do whatever I wanted with him. XD
Thanks for the pick me up on the grammar Keros! I can always use the help.
Glad you liked it! Talk to you soon I'm sure.
JD Report Review
ah the Slytherin collective mind. It's nice to see the old House rivalry and traditions of Slytherin being upheld. Just a couple of suggestions/points though: It's often difficult to read when the focus shifts between the two groups, it may be better to break it up using asteriks like this
* * *
Also, You mentioned that Rodlphus Lestrange and Amycus Carrow had children together, that may be a bit hard as they are both men so either they're adopted or I assume you meant Alecto.
Just one other issue right at the beginning with the bonnet. you wrote "a lavander bonnet laced with pink trim and a matching bonnet to boot" Was the first bonnet supposed to be dress? Just a bit confusing there but otherwise as usual your other grammar was perfect and the story held me. Keep it upAuthor's Response: Thanks for the tip, love, but I don't like using ***'s all too much. To me, I find it distracting and as an annoyance. Sorry for any confusion, though.
No, that's not how it's meant to be taken. It's meant that she's cousin to the children of Rodolphus and Amycus. She's the daughter of Alecto and Rabastan.
Ah, thanks for pointing out the bonnet issue. I'll fix that. Report Review
Well Linders, finally got round to reading and reviewing something you've written! I actually like this, especially the interactions between family members being juxtaposed against each other. I also like the characterisation of the Malfoy's as a whole. It's really refreshing to see Scorpius every inch as Draco was.
Nothing really to nitpick except that I noticed at some point you wrote "the Slytherin seeker." JK always capitalised the positions played for Quidditch so in theory it should be Seeker, and I think its really unusual that all the Potter kids have different coloured eyes. A rare occurence, but actually genetically possible.
Great job I really like this and it will be interesting to see how this actually pans out :)Author's Response: I see that. Thanks, I'm glad that you liked the juxtaposition between the two families. Most people seemed to enjoy that. Hehe. Thanks. I'm glad that you like the Malfoy's.
Eh, I prefer seeker. True, she may have capitalized it, but as a noun it really shouldn't be capitalized. That was something that bugged me about the books, but I can see what you're talking about.
Yes, I suppose that is unusual. However, the Epilogue pointed out that only Albus has Harry's eyes. So it always ticks me off when people give Lily green eyes. It just bugs me that they couldn't go to canon and find that her eyes aren't the same as her grandmothers.
I agree, it is genetically possible. My mum has blue eyes, her brother had grey eyes, and her other three siblings had brown eyes.
Thanks so much! :) Report Review
This was a solid start, you set up the story well and managed to convey the reasons behind it without waffling on and confusing the reader. That particular piece of speech from Dumbledore was written well, it not only got across the necessary information but also hinted that Dumbledore himself was withholding some of the specifics from the Trio.
My only major problem with this is that I feel the characterisation is at times very OOC. Would Ron really swear like that to Dumbledore, and would Dumbledore call Hermione by her first name when he has always referred to her a Miss Granger. Hermione was probably the most in character but at times even she sometimes strayed so I would suggest being mindful of things like that.
Just as a suggestion, but I feel that this perhaps went too quickly. We cut straight in to the latter half of the conversation and it just seemed to go at a very fast pace (although it does mirror the urgency with which the feat must be accomplished) and I think maybe the beginning could have been dragged out slightly longer, building up the pace as you went along and then decreasing it again after they had transformed.
One little grammar issue at the beginning was when Dumbledore says "Common" I think perhaps you meant "come on" at that point.
As I said before, solid start and I'll be interested to see where this goes, it should be really fun according to your summary :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!!
I will make the necessary changes that you have pointed about Dumbledore calling Hermione Ms Granger and common to come on
I promise to post the next chapter soon and I also promise more fun and slash... hehe Report Review
Wow, although it was short it was also really powerful and encapsulated a side to Dumbledore that we dont get to see in JK's portrayal of him. Awesome!
Kero Report Review
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