Reading Reviews From Member: Nar
  
24 Reviews Found

Review #1, by NarStarving Artists: Al and his Many Elbows

3rd August 2010:
>wouldn’t the blue hair give it away a little?

Wear a hat.

>I didn’t see anything of the other three – Ellen, Frances, or the brooding nameless boy

Dammit. WHERE'S BARRY? It can be a new series, like Where's Wally. (In every single picture he is brooding under the stairs.)

Tarquin and Gwendoraven chuck themselves into hedges for recreation? Takes all sorts.

>A spotty-looking teenager

The one from The Simpsons?

>I decided that the small piece of fluff on the table in front of me was more interesting than Rose’s anecdote.

I must be a total dork, because that sounds plenty interesting to me.

>I thought I saw Rose stiffen slightly just along the table from me.

Oh dear. Has Rosie realised that Sc-Tarquin is not an actual name?

Oh God what if Rosie visits the school and runs into Gwendoraven and Tarquin? It'd be really fun. For them. Not so much for Rosie.

>At my mum’s affronted face, I dredged up one of Scorpius’ wise photography sayings. ‘Candid photos are always the best because you get the subject looking really natural, posed photos are quite forced.’

That is pretty sensible. Who did he nick it from?

>‘Sc-Tarquin cares not for Rose,’ I lied, remembering how Scorpius jumped every time he heard her name. ‘He cares for the simple things in life, like poetry and photography and-’

Screaming.

Aw, you should have kidnapped IRL Scorp and kept him around for inspiration.

Anyway, great chapter! Is the smoke when taking photos with the lens cap on based on anything in particular? I don't know anything about cameras (though Kitty's a keen photographer, so I guess I should - I'll research by reading this, how's that?) And it's nice to see the family's reaction. Percy's being amazingly patient. I expect Lucy's put him through a lot already?

Author's Response: 'Dammit. WHERE'S BARRY? It can be a new series, like Where's Wally. (In every single picture he is brooding under the stairs.)'

Ahha! That was the sound of me laughing out loud. I have mental images of this huge drawing covered in every single character in the HP verse, and then in the corner there's just this black hole with a tiny spotlit face in it, looking broody.

'Tarquin and Gwendoraven chuck themselves into hedges for recreation?'

Hmm, well, they do some other things too. But throwing themselves into hedges is kind of illegal, so it'd be nicer to society if they brought a long a pair of shears (or tweezers, if it's a small hedge) and gave it a bit of a trim as they hopped over.

I have absolutely no idea where that idea came from...

Oh, and, if you say 'Sc-Tarquin' too fast, it sounds like a sneeze. Try it, Nar, try it!

'‘Sc-Tarquin cares not for Rose,’ I lied, remembering how Scorpius jumped every time he heard her name. ‘He cares for the simple things in life, like poetry and photography and-’

Screaming.'

BINGO!

I would kidnap RL Scorp, but, thing is, he actually looked quite scared of me. Which is odd because I'm not a very scary person, considering I'm quite midgety and I tend to fall over lots. I found another RL Scorp in Oxford and he nearly ran me over. The irony was that he was wearing a pink hawaiian shirt made for someone ten times as wide but ten times as short as he was.

Anyway.

Ooh, I wish my camera smoked when I left the lens cap on! Ahha, nah, I just thought 'wizard camera. Theatrics!'.

If you do research while reading this, I'd take it with a liberal pinch of salt. Or, if salt is unavailable, other such condiments will do.

'Percy's being amazingly patient. I expect Lucy's put him through a lot already?'

You bet!

Thank you for another amusing and lovely review (:

PS.


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Review #2, by NarStarving Artists: Hedonism is our Middle Name

11th July 2010:
Peppersweet! I had no idea you'd posted another chapter! I'm terrible.

>On one couch, two girls sat side-by-side, flicking through a magazine with about as much interest as a dead pigeon.

Ironically, as art students they would probably be more interested in a dead pigeon. Art students don't make much, and they might not have eaten for weeks.

Although they're probably also vegetarians. Poor children.

>Scorpius didn’t bother to introduce the boy.

"This is... actually, I can't tell you, he's legally given up his own name as a protest against the occupation of Tibet."

>‘I don’t exist.’ he finally said, then went back to looking broody.

No, wait, I was mistaken. He's just a nihilist.

>‘There’s one on tonight, I think,’ Tarquin mused. ‘We should go, just for kicks. Down at The Banshee on Knockturn alley. Should be a scream,’

Well, if Scorp's performing.

>Morgana struck up a number that seemed to be called ‘This is how I scream, it’s rather noisy.’

Hee, that made me laugh.

Oh, Scorp, you silly muppet *shakes head* Iambic pentameter? Lucy must really be reading it wrong.

I like Gwendoraven and Tarquin. They're a lot of fun, and clearly HAVING a lot of fun, and I like characters like that.

Inexplicably, however, my new favourite is the Nameless Nihilist. I'm such a sucker for dark-eyed brooding boys. *woe*

Author's Response: 'Peppersweet! I had no idea you'd posted another chapter! I'm terrible.'

It's no tother a ball! You're also forgiven because of all the AS/S jokes you made in that ship thread, which made me giggle and snort a bit. In an entirely attractive and ladylike manner.

'Iambic pentameter? Lucy must really be reading it wrong.'

Ahha, I tried writing it in iambic pentameter and it was just one big dollop of poetry fail. Plus you're supposed to stress every other syllable, aren't you? So Lucy would be like 'get DOWN from YOUR toWER' which sounds a bit weirdy.

'I like Gwendoraven and Tarquin.'

GWENDORAVEN! That's the best name ever. I was getting so tried of having to type her full name that I started bashing out G/R instead. You, madam, are a genius.

'Inexplicably, however, my new favourite is the Nameless Nihilist. I'm such a sucker for dark-eyed brooding boys. *woe*'

For reasons I cannot fully explain, as soon as the word 'sucker' was mentioned, an octopus popped into my head. Not literally, that'd be weird and it'd probably kill me. I mean, like a dancing octopus just turned up. Arm...well, tentacle in arm with the Nameless Nihilist (his name is Barry, but he doesn't like it. Actually, that was a joke, he's got a different name according to my plot diagram.)

*thrice times woe*

Thank you for your review! Ah, your pearls of wisdom make me smile.

PS.


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Review #3, by NarRipples: Mistakes

11th July 2010:
Sorry I took so long to review this! I'm a bad person :'(

>the ambition and cunning which got you through initiation

Oh God, what's the initiation?
"You want to join our secret evil club? Then you have to eat this kitten."
"Can I-"
"No, there's no ketchup."
"Oh my God! You ARE evil!"

>there have only been sixteen successful coups in the thousands of years the Brethren of Salazar has existed, and all of them ended badly.

Coups do tend to end badly - for one party, at least.

>“Your..um.. brother.. needs you,” Avery said significantly. Orion looked at him blankly for a moment and then his customary sneer slid off his face as Avery contorted his face peculiarly and some silent communication passed between them.

Would that communication have been "Avery, you're so bad at subtle. So very bad."?

Poor Juliet. (Though I knew it, I knew it, I knew it *dances*) Or possibly not poor Juliet, because she'll be fine as soon as they get the mandrakes sorted and right now 'comatose in the hospital wing' should be one of the safest places she could be.
Riddle: Hello, I'd like to visit the patients.
Matron: All right, but you will have to leave the giant snake outside.
Riddle: No, it... you see... er... it's a clown snake. It juggles and will entertain the comatose people!

Okay more sensibly, I liked Min telling Dumbledore off. Harryish, which explains why she gets him so well. (Though Dumbledore deserves to be yelled at... hmmm, someone knocking off Muggleborns with complicated curses, could it possibly be that psychopathic genius I know is psychopathing about in the student body? ...nah.) And how Amelia doesn't know what's going on, when Min's angry at her for not caring (though Min's reaction is very realistic and well-done, I think.)

I like the face you picked for Avery as well. Beautifully unmarred by thought.

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Review #4, by NarThe Unbreakable Vow: Chapter Four: What?

10th June 2010:
Yeah, I definitely didn't see that coming. I was guessing Slytherin. So is Peyton secretly a fluffy little bunny, or is this dear sweet Helga taking on another reject?

>“Now,” Jordan walked up to the portrait and then turned around to face us, a devious grin on his face. “I’ll show all of you firsties how to get in.”

You have to take off all your clothes and do a little dance.

Peyton sure loves talking about how she doesn't like friends and how annoying Conan is, while still hanging out with him constantly. The shortarse doth protest too much, methinks.

I like Conan. He's all huggable. I can't figure out how he's going to be the next Dark Lord and all "I cannot kill my friend!" [to minion] "You. Kill my friend." I was puzzled about the Unbreakable Vow when I saw it in the OC Workshop, but having seen it in action I think it makes sense - Conan's believably mad enough about magic to do Unbreakable Vows for the hell of it, and it is the sort of thing you'd suggest as a harmless Unbreakable Vow for a kid to make (if you were silly enough to do so.)

You know I went all through this looking for some grammar to correct and all I found was this. Obviously you proofread way better than I do.

>“Wa’ever ‘ou say.” I wrinkled my nose in distaste.

Kind of makes it sound like it's Peyton misplacing her consonants.

Anyway, I really like it. I can't wait to see where it's headed.

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Review #5, by NarStarving Artists: A Dark Room

19th May 2010:
Aw, Lucy, can't even dye her hair right.

>‘We’re subverting the norm, we’re using muggle instruments as a way of creating beauty, to show that we don’t have to-’

PERFECT.

Why'd Scorp dye his hair too? Symbolic rejection of his family? Hiding from Rose? Hiding from Rose while pretending it's a symbolic rejection of his family? Too many people were blinded by the platinum blondness?

>‘I’m an artist,’

Yeah, that explains everything. "Why did you release fifty thousand rubber ducks into the Thames?" "Why are you doing that with the shower curtain?" "Why are you on fire?" "Because I am an AR-TEESTE!"

>I only just realised that Mr Holstone had run off with my Galleon and Sickle.

Well, he's got to get funding from somewhere. Every artist has to resort to petty theft at some point in their lives.

>‘We don’t trust you new types with the proper ones,’

Is there an initiation rite? "In order to prove you can be trusted with a proper camera, you will have to paint this rabid weasel. No, we don't mean on a canvas."

>held the spool aloft, where a considerably shorter strip of black plastic now nestled.

>‘This is a film,’ he said, ‘in a spool.’

>Another awkward silence followed.

You know in The Lion King when Rafiki holds up Simba? I'm getting images like that. Except instead of majestic scenery and background music by Elton John it's a glorious failure in a dark cupboard.

One time my mum got so drunk she thought my younger brother was a cat. Or she thought she was a cat. It was hard to tell.

I'm not sure whether that's more or less embarrassing than the can-can dancing.

>‘Bam,’ I said, softly.

Aw, cute.

Another great chapter! And very technical and well-researched, which is good. Are you a photographer yourself?

Love, Nar

Author's Response: 'Is there an initiation rite? "In order to prove you can be trusted with a proper camera, you will have to paint this rabid weasel. No, we don't mean on a canvas."'

Bahahaha. Oh yes. Or, paint with the rabid weasel. You know, dip its tail in paint and slap it on a canvas. That's really arty. You could just drop it in a can of blue paint and then let it run amok, get a lovely picture of paw prints and flog it off as modern ART.

'You know in The Lion King when Rafiki holds up Simba? I'm getting images like that. Except instead of majestic scenery and background music by Elton John it's a glorious failure in a dark cupboard.'

And now, by extension, so am I.
It's the circle of LIFE!
No. I'll shut up now and get back to responding.

Thanks so much for the review! And yeah, I'm a photographer. Except, at my school, we do things the dumb way. All those chemicals probably have lovely and complicated names like 'H6tyzmncnbBBQ' or something, but we artTEESTES are more used to calling it the 'dev' or just grunting in the vague direction of it. None of them smell very nice, by the way. I should know, I spilt fixing chemical all over me on Monday and nobody would sit next to me on the train.

'Another awkward silence followed.'

Trust me, you've not seen awkward until you've had to squeeze into a dark cupboard with your art teacher. I always take a friend. Not for company, but more to hold my hand and guide me around, so I don't bump into people and knock things over as I usually do. I'm quite the accident prone fool.

Bam.

PS.


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Review #6, by NarOf Mudbloods and Muggleborns: Chapter 8: Down To Business

19th May 2010:
>The number of times this had happened: by her count, three. She had to constantly reschedule meetings. Which no one bothered to go to.

Andie, you're a Slytherin. Murder everyone who doesn't show up and they'll soon learn.

>I hate Slytherin.

...awww *sad* I know Andie's upset about the arranged marriage thing, but that's no excuse for taking it out on the poor innocent Slyth-

...no, I can't type that with a straight face.

>She turned around and walked towards the Hufflepuff side, hoping and praying to Merlin that Hufflepuffs were, in fact, the least likely to lynch her for being a Slytherin.

Lynch them first.

>Part of her snorted. When was the last time she kept a promise? Second Year?

Knowing about future events from the OC Workshop, is this subtle foreshadowing of a specific character thing on Charis's part? I'm trying to be vague in case anyone reads the reviews, but I'm not sure how to express it. Anyway, if it is, nice one.

Interesting way of showing religious differences between Muggles and wizards, what with Andie praying to Merlin.

Anyway, I really liked it. Well worth waiting for!

And in regard to your last response:

Precisely. James Potter I really had a thing for alliteration as an 11-year-old.

Alliteration, Quidditch and Lily Evans: the three great loves of James I's life. Pity they don't alliterate.

Author's Response: > Murder everyone who doesn't show up and they'll soon learn.

Unfortunately for Andie, the recessive, mostly-overlooked gene for "moral fibre" in the Black family was given to her by BOTH her parents, instead of the usual "carrier" one. Genealogists are still stumped as to how this happened. :P

> Lynch them first.

See the above comment on Andie's uncommon moral fibre.

> ... is this subtle foreshadowing on a specific character thing on Charis' part?

Actually, it was mainly just character development for some minor(ish) characters on my part. but yes, it could be subtle foreshadowing. Apparently, my subconscious is a better writer when given free reign. :)

Glad you liked the religion thing! I'd been thinking about the obvious differences Muggles and wizards would have, especially in terms of deities, and it just popped into my head that I should have the Muggleborn Ted say "Christ" instead of "Merlin's wand!" or some other wizard expletive. :)

And yes, it is a pity that they never alliterated. It was one of the biggest disappointments in James' life. (And Lily could never understand why he insisted on calling their son "'arry." either. :P )


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Review #7, by NarRipples: The Beautiful Game

19th May 2010:
Alphard looks so smug. Look at his smug face. If this was a Disney film he would get his karmic comeuppance by falling face first into a cowpat. If this was a Disney film Tom Riddle would have had his Villain Song by now and Orion, your Avery and Cad would have been the backup dancers.

The Brethren hangout would be a fantastic set for a musical sequence. Just saying.

>“How do you do it? There are only so many hours in the day!”

Simple. Minerva's so awesome she warps reality! Also she can time-travel and shoot lasers from her eyes.

Emphasis on time-travel. Am I right?

> “Either you master the Impervious charm and remain dry for the match, or you fail and catch pneumonia and die.”

Now THAT'S motivating your students. Lia and Grim are taking notes (except I think their version might be 'or we stab you and you die!")

> and then she threw tactics to the winds

Not exactly. Abandoning all strategy and complex thought, time-honoured Gryffindor tactic at least.

>“I was looking for Riddle, he wanted to show me something,

Riddle: Come to the ladies' bathroom with me, Alphard, I want to show you my giant snake.

Yeah I can see why he wasn't specific.

Argh! Whenever people are happy (well, as close to happy as they get) and there's lovely CadMin someone always has to go and die. Stupid Muggleborns.

It's not Juliet, is it?

Another brilliant chapter, Margravine, you are amazing and deserve to have a Taj Mahal built in your honour except please don't die first, that'd be really upsetting.

Author's Response: I can't tell you much this review made me cackle. Or be inspired to write a musical number featuring Riddle & friends. Seriously, the main thing stopping me is the no-Disney ToS clause.

Subtle I am not. Time travel is going to come in later on, but the big reveal of the last chapter - Min's laser eye talent has somehow leaked out and now there's really almost no point to go on. Sadface.

I actually edited in a "You should be in Slytherin" after you picked up on Roger's true house (he's in denial), and quite true - all Gryffindors but my girls are idjits.

OMGOSH how did you get a transcript of Riddle's speech? Are you hovering outside my window? *is not paranoid*

Is it Juliet? that is the question, and one more should be asking, so I have tweaked the ending to make it more obvs that it COULD be Juliet.. and you will find out in about a week or two when I finally finish the half-ish done next chapter.

Aw you'd be upset if I died? Even if it was ritual suicide? That makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

Thanks for what is probably the most sidesplitting review.. well.. ever!


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Review #8, by NarRipples: Cracks

9th May 2010:
Refugees! I think that's interesting, and not only because it brings in competition for Cadmin. Where do these people fall in terms of pro- or anti-Grindelwald?

I feel sorry for Druella Rosier, though. I expect she'll be very sad when she finds out that she's competing for Cad's affections with a Gryffindor girl who thinks he has brain problems, and is still losing.

And by 'affections' I mean 'money and purebloodedness.'

>“Unlikely. Campbell was a terrific Keeper, but there are about four Slytherins backstabbing each other now to take his place.”

Isn't that leaping to conclusions rather? Maybe they're just backstabbing each other for recreational purposes.

>This was not his job, and it was time the triumvirs of the Brethren reminded him that.

Good luck, Cad.

Alphard is an appalling negotiator. "You! Gryffindor! Muggles are scum. By extension, you are scum. Help me." Pity he's right about the impending horrific failure of Oriamy, though. (Amion? OrionAmy? The tempestuous love affair of Miss Amelia Bones and Mr Orion Black?)

Love Nar

Author's Response: Mmm, the whole thing was, to be honest, the only way I could think of to bring Druella back and further complicate the messy cadminerva, but it definitely works on other levels to further the plot as well :)

LOL. No one has ever put it quite that way but that is EXACKERLY how Min feels - Cad's an idiot, but her idiot (oh sorry, was that a spoiler?). And Druella is not the type to take "no" for an answer or accept picky little details like reality.

Oh my. You make a very valid point. Let's blame the Gryffies for being thick and not understanding the subtle nuances of Sltherin life. Buffoons all.

Silly Cad. Boy has NO idea what he is messing with. Similarly, Alphard is very thick. Good to know his idiocy was screamingly obvious.

Oooh I quite like Amion. And am a little sad everybody has the half a brain required to figure out it was not meant to be.

Anyhoo, thanks for the love and the review! Muchly appreciated!


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Review #9, by NarRipples: Signs

9th May 2010:
Margravine!

Firstly, I am a terrible person. A terrible, terrible person. I'm so sorry I didn't review earlier! And after you made a ritual suicide reference too, I thought I had radar for those :'( Please please forgive me?

>“Does this mean you’ve stopped moping, or is this the final preparation before your ritual suicide?” Alex ignored him; Roger was alone in the conviction that he was funny.

...wait, ritual suicide's NOT funny? Oh God what will I base all my humour on now

Hang on. Roger Longbottom + Augusta Bones = Frank Longbottom. Alex Prewett + Amelia Bones = Alice Longbottom née Prewett. How did I not notice that before? I'm so bad at incest maths.

Frank's adopted.

>Orion rolled his eyes. “The point, gentlemen, is that there is only one clause which allows a sitting to be called without all three triumvirs present.”
Aaah, Slytherin politics. So backstabby and complex and Latinate. Somewhere Machiavelli is throwing a party in his grave.

First Rule of the Brethren is, you do not talk about the Brethren.
Second Rule of the Brethren is, you DO NOT talk about the Brethren.
Third Rule of the Brethren is, no girls in the secret clubhouse.

>He’d had the audacity to ask Minerva to Hogsmeade in fifth year. Caradoc still regretted not giving him the thrashing he deserved. ... [someone giving Campbell the thrashing he deserved] ... He had never liked Campbell, but the boy did not deserve to be attacked.

Abrupt leave-off of posturing! I like that. It's really nice, subtle characterisation.

Is Lady Grey a reference to the tea, or Lady Jane, or no reference at all?

I'm seeing echoes of Lioness, in that stupid reality and their own personalities keep getting in the way of the lovely lovely CadMin. Stupid Voldemort ruins everything.

Love Nar

Author's Response: My dear Nar, I expected no less of you. What kind of Slytherin lover is a GOOD person? Honestly! *shakes head*

Also (because as a snooty 'Claw I have backup clauses to my clauses) I am going to mysteriously disappear as semester explodes in my face, so I COMPLETELY understand :P. Of course I forgive you, when you come with a new shiny chapter of APEP!
I think ritual suicide is hilario myself, but Alex is a bit mopey and death is me. Meh.

ZOMG. I had not PLANNED incest, hence the delay in your calculations.. although I actually think it would have been legal to marry your cousins in the 60s *goes to check*
IT'S STILL LEGAL! YOU CREEEPY BRITS. .

anyway. . the sequel is ages off and all those knotty problems are going to work themselves out on their own.

Mwhahah I LOVE your intrepreations as always. .Cad postures a bit much, but I'm glad someone actually picked up on that *gold star to Nar*

No reference intentionally. .I love love the tea and was probably drinking it at 2 in the morning when I decided "This is depressing. let's chuck a kitten in to make it fluffier"

Stooopid Voldy. I do think, howevs, that I may try for a happy ending for Min. Somehow. Otherwise this was all make me look emo and I'll have to go cry in a corner.

Thanks for the review m'dear! Muchly appreciated!




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Review #10, by NarOf Mudbloods and Muggleborns: Chapter 7: Life Is But A Dream

9th May 2010:
First off, I am a terrible person. A terrible, terrible person to not have reviewed sooner. Please, please forgive me.

>“From what I’ve heard, once you bother to write a reply to your mother, that ‘stupid bird’ will shove off.”

Really? I'd have thought she would have written another reply back. ...oh you meant the OWL.

>Potter was walking into the Dormitory from the bathroom and asking Bookish Boy what he was doing talking to the "slimy Slytherin spy".

Don't take it personally, Siri. Maybe he just really loves alliteration.

>“Oh, he can’t be that bad,” Charis said, trying to reassure her friend. “I’ve met him before, and he was a perfect gentleman. Maybe Sera met him on one of his off days.”

"Maybe Sera's related to him." Oh, Charis. So sweet and optimistic.

I love the list. It's so perfect for teaching someone to be a good Gryffindor, and yet so terrible considering the Gryffindors Siri's actually going to be hanging out with.

1) You're in Gryffindor. Harass and attempt to murder the Slytherins. (Exception: me.)

2) Pull as many pranks as you can on everyone you can.

3) Spend as much time as possible in detention. See if you meet some kindred spirits.

4) Be smartmouthed.

Having looked at the other reviews, I personally disagree with Crumble's point on the hedgehog - the regulations say 'toad, cat, or owl' but Ron managed a rat/Death Eater for three years, Lee Jordan had a tarantula and Ginny had a Pygmy Puff. I don't think the rules on pets are that rigidly enforced. Besides, I like Mimi having a hedgehog. It's quirky.

Still, whatever you feel like doing w.r.t. hedgehog.

Love, Nar

Author's Response: Heehee! No problem about the reviewing bit. :) I've been falling behind, too. I blame school. And Life In General. :)

> "Maybe he just really loves alliteration."

Precisely. James Potter I really had a thing for alliteration as an 11-year-old.

> "Oh, Charis. So sweet and optimistic."

Yup. That's Charis to a "T". Sweet, optimistic, probably shoulda been Sorted into Hufflepuff. :P

And I'm glad you like The List! It took me a while to come up with it-- I needed something Andie would come up with, but something that would fit with the idea of a "Gryffindor". (And yes, incidentally, your version of The List would probably work much better for the Marauders. But they're SPECIAL like that. :D )

I still haven't figured out what to do about the hedgehog. I like Spike, too. Besides, the only time any rules regarding pets are mentioned is First Year. Maybe it's some odd "You have to survive First Year to prove that you are capable of handling a more advanced pet" type thing. Like Advanced Potions or brain surgery. It just takes time before you're ready to handle it. :P

Thanks for the wonderful review! Maybe I'll actually get chapter 8 up soon, yeah? :)


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Review #11, by NarStarving Artists: Art School

9th May 2010:
Ahoy there! (okay bad pun I'm sorry I'll never do it again.)

First off, the summary: I like Percy's new epithet - it's clear who it is, because really who else went on about cauldron bottoms? and it emphasises his very much not artisticness. Weird thing to talk about, but there you go.

Hell of a punchy opening sentence you got there.

>‘we have morals and dignity in this house!’

I love this line. Love it. I want to learn to embroider so I can embroider it on something.

>a kitchen-come-living-room-come-painting-studio

Tiny nitpick - that should be spelt 'cum' (from a Latin preposition which can mean 'with', not from... anything else.)

>‘He’s got a bit of a sore head today,’ Tarquin answered. ‘He was at a poetry reading ‘till five in the morning,’

Is that from the artistic screaming, or did he actually manage to concuss himself at a poetry reading? Oh, Scorp, you wonderful, wonderful failure.

She put Al in the hospital? Oh dear. I hope Lucy doesn't do anything to upset Rosie! *continues reading* ...Oh dear.

>‘Nope, not a Malfoy in sight,’ I lied, grinning cheesily.

You know... depending on how dark the darkroom is, that could actually be true. What are the chances that she could learn photography from Scorp without ever seeing him?

I really like this. I love Lucy's character - all sweet and chipper and a little bit doofy. And the minor characters are looking nice and interesting and mad, from what you've shown of them so far.

Can't wait for the next chapter!

Nar
xxx

Author's Response: I knew I'd made a mistake somewhere.
And oh yes, embroidery is the way to go. Embroider away. Make a doily. Then embroider that.
Knowing the character of the beloved Scorpius, he most likely did concuss himself. You know, from screaming too much. Or he got attacked by rabid cats. You never know.
Next chapter will be up...when I write it. And when I'm not being distracted by HIGNFY. :)
Thank you for the review!

PS.


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Review #12, by NarRipples: Revelations

7th February 2010:
Hundred and first review!

When I read the preview you posted on the forums I assumed Min's dad was going to cack it. :/ I guess he's reprieved for a while.

There's this very rapid fluctuation in Amy's reactions when they're arguing, isn't there? Steady to personal attacks to drawling to raging. I like it. She's a lot more conflicted than she thinks, right?

Also now I ship Alex/Amy, on the basis that Orion is going to marry his own cousin ew gross and I like my ships to have some glimmer of a happy ending about them. (She could keep her own name lalalalala denial)

Anyway. Great chapter!

Author's Response: It was a valiant effort, but its ritual suicide for you!

Yes.. Min's dad.. this is all taking more chapters than planned, so that is actually about three or four chapters away, but don't put away your hanky just yet.

Yes, Amy is conflicted, and is the livewire of the trio =). hahah at your denial at Alex/Amy but least you admit it, others have got excited and made me feel mean! I initially was heartless and determined for that to be unrequited, and atm.. considering future plot twists none of you know about (No, he's not gay, and his daughter Alice is going to marry Frank Longbottom and be the mother of badass Neville).. but we shall see. My heart of stone might crack, I am looking into seeing a sculptor or something.

Thankyou for reviewing again my dear, I DO appreciate it! Can promise a dance with Cad next chapter :)


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Review #13, by NarSensible: Surprise!

27th January 2010:
Very fluffy. I think my blood's turned to candyfloooaaarghhh *dies*

Except for right at the end. It would've been fluffier if everyone had calmed down, hugged Scorpius and bestowed upon him the honorary title of Malfoweaslepottegrangupin and then Alex Zabini had proposed to Victoire and everyone had drowned in a rising tide of golden syrup. But I guess that's why this isn't a one-shot and they'll do that next chapter.

>sparing a half guilty, half defiant look for Rose.
Shades of Scorose?

I like how, despite the multitudinous Weasleys and half-Weasleys, none of them blur together. Obviously you haven't had much space to flesh them out, but the differences are still pretty clear.

The only nitpick I have (despite the hints of Scorose, but that's a wholly personal thing) is that sometimes you don't put a punctuation mark before the quotation marks.

>“Happy Birthday, Dom”

Like that.

Like I said, total nitpick and I love the actual text please no lynching.

Love, Nar xxx

Author's Response: LYNCH LYNCH LYNCH!
haha joking dear. I have actually edited this a fair bit, that version is in the que now, so I will spare you..this time. Don't die on me, I won't get to chuckle about Al and co then!

I was determined to write a HAPPY story and the happy oneshot turned into a horridly cliche short story, but no one can say I didn't give fluff a shot! There is Scorose in the past, but, as you will see, it is in the past - this is TEDDROSE FTW.
Unfortunately, I didn't have your inspired suggestion when I wrote this, so the next chapter is less fluffy and involves death threats to Scor (but no proposals to anyone, just a kidnapping). I'll see if I can work it in the end, but Scor doesn't like hugs, they mess up his hair.

Thankyou for your lovely review, it's always great to hear what works and doesn't! and good to know the weasely crew were reasonably distinct!
xx Jo


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Review #14, by NarRipples: The Way We Were

24th December 2009:
Hi Margravine! I'm sorry it took so long for me to get round to reading this chapter! :(

It's brilliant, though! Though there's this sense of very imminent doom about it - mostly because you/Juliet kind of flat out said Doom Is Impending, Guys, but I think even if you hadn't robe shopping is just so domestic and ordinary something has to go wrong. Does that make sense?

I loved the Hagrid cameo. Everyone seems to forget he was at Hogwarts with Minerva and Tom Riddle.

Um, and I meant to find some constructive criticism but I couldn't find anything to criticise. :( Or possibly :).

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Author's Response: Hey Nar! Don't apologise, I'm thrilled you took the time at all, this is SUCH a busy time for everyone (slash I haven't had a chance to reviews Epic Plan yet either!!! =( )

Hope you had a lovely Christmas and Santa was good to you (stay away from drugs, Sherlock. Beside mine, of course)

I did have a good cackle at how thick I was laying on the Bad Things Are Coming in this chapter, but I'm glad you liked it anyway! I felt I was straying into dangerous cliche territory this chapter, (robe shopping? balls? all we need is a masquerade.. hm. . . . .) but the girls needed some normalcy to keep their sanity, and yes - I do get exactly what you mean, when things are going well and calmly at Hogwarts, it does always been a storm's coming. Forecast is cloudy with a chance of basilisks.

Hagrid does get all overlooked.. I myself just realised when writing this 'oops, he needs to get expelled in the ten chapters, maybe he should make an appearance already'.

Am v. happy there was no obvious criticism, and can promise many many update fixes once the que is back - have oodles written, being on actual holiday has been good for me!

Thanks my dear, and the same to your fiendishly brilliant piece!


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Review #15, by NarOf Mudbloods and Muggleborns: Chapter 6: Owls, Letters, and Gryffindors

24th December 2009:
Oh my God! Redhaired Girl was LILY! Can't believe I didn't see that coming.

>She had a feeling it was going to be an interesting year for Gryffindors.

Hella interesting, yeah.

Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this!

Anyway, another great chapter. I think what you're doing now with Andie's reaction to her engagement is brilliant. Can't wait for the next one!

Author's Response: Thank you! Yup, Redhaired Girl was Lily. I just couldn't resist-- there are so many ways to start Lily disliking James and the Marauders. I figured this was as good as any of them. :)

Chapter 7 is in the works! Hopefully, I'll have it ready when the queue opens up again in January. *crosses fingers and toes*


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Review #16, by NarLioness: Lioness

14th December 2009:
...*cry*

Min can't win, can she? If Cad wanted to stay he wouldn't be someone she could love.

Christ, I don't even know what to say. It's very pretty and heartbreaking and you're evil.

Author's Response: *passes tissue box*

I'm having a minor crisis over my inability to write happy endings but yes, you went straight to the crux of the story; the things they love about each other seperate them because of the time they live in.

It's lovely to hear from you, and that this story is provoking emotional responses, it was a strange piece to write.

I admit without reserve that I am completely evil (although this is AU remember.. Cad can't die til he gets in Moody's photo)
And Antiquity's divine banner surpasses my poor words on the pretty scale.

Thanks for the review!


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Review #17, by NarLuna's Reality: the opening feast

12th December 2009:
>the hat sang a warning song, severely freaking out McGonagall

I think your main challenge as an author is showing, rather than telling. How did McGonagall freak out? Wide eyes, significant glances at Flitwick, attempts to conceal her alarm?

In general, I think you should slow down and focus more on characters' reactions and description than on plot advancement. To Hogwarts, the Sorting Feast and preparing for another battle in one chapter is pretty rushed.

Seamus was pretty out-of-character in the first few chapters, but that's improved a lot, so well done. Luna's viewpoint is also very accurately captured at times, like in her very casual reaction to Neville bursting through the wall on a Thestral.

Neville, however, is fairly out-of-character. By this point in the timeline, he's fought in the Department of Mysteries and in the Battle of the Astronomy Tower, led an underground resistance movement for a year, fought in a battle, decapitated a snake, taken down Fenrir Greyback, and become an Auror. Neville is by this stage one of the most badass characters in canon, but with the forgetting to take down spells, you're still writing him as if he's in first year. His taking charge at the end of the chapter is good, but you need to be more consistent with it.

It's also Neville, not Nevil, and 'it's my story, I can spell it how I want' is not a valid excuse for misspelling it.

The grammar's better than it was as well, but it still needs some work - and please don't just make dismissive comments about 'grammar nazis'. This is written communication, you know? Your writing is the only way people on the Net will get an impression of you. Using poor grammar and spelling here is analogous to showing up to school with ketchup stains all down your shirt: all it shows is that you aren't making an effort. I'd suggest that you ask for a beta on the forums if you don't know all the grammatical rules yourself, which would be understandable. It's just a pity I don't have the free time, or I'd offer to do it myself.

Author's Response: the reason i said it was my story and i'll spell it how i want is because frankly i am lazy and don't want to go back and get my story re-validated just because of a name misspelling and in my mind Nevil is how you spell Nevil and i'll keep it consistently that way. Nevil i feel can't be changed. just because he has done some really amazing things doesn't mean his entire nature would have changed. to me he is strong but still forgetful at times.i am sorry about the grammer but u r really the only person it severly bothers so much that they mention it 5 times and u have read the entire 5 chapters so it really can't the end of the world. i am glad for the constructive critisism but u didn't even say if u LIKED the story. this site isn't a test grade i do my writing for fun and if u don't like it i am not forcing u to read it. i am not trying to be mean but i don't think there was a single positive thing in that last reveiw (well you did say seamus was "better" but it still seemed to put down my previous chapters) and it kinda bothers me. for anyone who doesn't like my grammer mistakes you can comment about that once or twice but i realize i am not perfect and there are plenty of things on this site with worse grammer and spelling, as always i am still glad you reveiwed and hope u do continue to read the story and am sorry if misspellings and Nevil and gramatical stuff bothers you.-Luna

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Review #18, by NarRipples: The Once and Future King

11th December 2009:
Wow, your prose is beautiful. Sometimes it reminds me of poetry, which sounds goofy but is completely true.

I love your Minerva, too. She's so believably a teenaged version of Professor McGonagall as opposed to just, well, a teenaged version of Professor McGonagall.

And your Slytherin's so DARK! With the traps and the hazing and the awesome secret clubhouse and the complete lack of fluffy! It's weird and creepy. I love it.

I think I'm addicted now. You're a drug dealer, Margravine. I hope you're very ashamed of yourself. :(

Author's Response: Thanks Nar! All reviews are lovely, but unsolicted ones best of all, and this one has me grinning like an idiot!

I'm so glad you liked it.. and I have 0 shame at dealing. ZERO!

You don't sound goofy at all - a few people have said they same thing, and I do worry sometimes that I can't write normally - everything seems overly flowy and airy but I think I've read too much fantasy to ever recover ;)

I'm glad you like Min, and yes my Slytherin is so dark I'm a little disturbed.. but Riddle himself was kicking around then, and I'm enjoying writing it heaps!


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Review #19, by NarOf Mudbloods and Muggleborns: Chapter 5: Bad Days Ahead

11th December 2009:
>“How you are now. You’re just pairing people together like... like they’re chess pieces or something.”

Yes, Mart. That's why Slytherins are AWESOME.

>“It is, however, her fault that her blood isn’t pure,” Bella retorted, stopping and turning around.

...I expect that makes perfect sense in Bella's head?

Bella's still rather sane here...sane by Bellatrix standards, which is still nucking futs by anyone else's. I'm guessing Andie's choice of husband is what sends her over the edge? Poor Andie, just can't catch a break.

Sirius is interesting...I've never seen him written like this, but it makes a lot of sense. Growing up with Walburga, you know?

Little Miss Uppity seems so...Umbridge-esque. Proto-Umbridge, maybe, before she got so into the pink fluffy kittens.

Charis's plan to storm Gryffindor Tower is hilarious. It might even work, with Bellatrix on their side.

The only thing I can think of that's not fantastic is that Andie doesn't really react much to 'Guess what? You're getting married!" Though I suppose since Bella and Narcissa are already spoken for she must have been expecting it.

I haven't the least idea who the red-haired girl is. Alice Longbottom?

Author's Response: Of course it makes sense in Bella's head. :P

Yeah, she is pretty sane... but I always thought it was Azkaban that sent her over the edge, which is why I've written her like this. A bit unbalanced (for her, at least), but, for the most part, fully there.

*shudder* Proto-Umbridge. Can you imagine? I wouldn't want to go to school with her.

Of course Charis' plan to storm Gryffindor Tower would work. They've got men on the inside.

...Okay, boys. Well, one boy. Who might or might not be a bit insane.

But they've got someone, right?

You have a point about Andie. I'll see what I can do about it. The only thing is that I have no idea how someone would react to an arranged marriage if they knew it was coming. (Mainly because I live in America during the 21st century where, I'm fairly certain, arranged marriages are illegal. I'm not exactly expecting my parents to arrange one for me. :) )

I'll have to think about it.

Thanks so much!

(And as for the girl... I'm just gonna keep you guessing. MWAHAHA! :D )


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Review #20, by NarPretty Girl: Hazing, Herbology...

7th December 2009:
>“She didn’t ban them until after he animated all the suits of armor to ‘rally an army for the defence of the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth.’”

Yeah, that's the best thing ever.

Pretty glad I took the time out of working to read this, really. I really love the narratorial voice you use sometimes especially... It's funny and gives the whole thing a sort of fairy-tale aura (more in the first chapter, though) and it gets the information across without being boring-expositiony. Hopefully you'll use more of it in the revamp? *puppy eyes*

The only thing I could think of that could be a problem would be that some of the OCs names aren't very eighties-Britain, but that's just a nitpick.

Argh. I wish I'd realised you weren't working on this one, and then I'd have reviewed OMoM. Oh, well, I promise I'll do that once term's over :)

Author's Response: Hee hee! Yeah, that's basically why I used that line. A LOT of my inspiration is from "The List of Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts" that me and my friends compiled last year over break. (We're currently in the 570s. :P ) Fun times, and funnier quotes.

And who can resist puppy eyes? Of COURSE I'll be using the narrator-voice in the revamp. :)

And names... Names hate me. And I hate them. I'm gonna go find a random name generator, and just plug in whatever I get to a search engine. That oughta solve my problem.

...Right?

And I'll be looking for that review! :P


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Review #21, by NarWizard Spin the Bottle: i'm in charge

7th December 2009:
>Draco kissed me again hungrily.

I think you might have got the wrong pronoun there.

The idea of fireworks Spin-The-Bottle is pretty cool, I'll give you that. But it seems like the whole thing needs expanding, you know? At the moment it just looks like an excuse plot to make various characters snog without much concern for their canon characterization. The odds of Hermione agreeing to play a game of Spin-The-Bottle with Malfoy (especially one where disobedience is literally impossible) are infinitesimal to none.

This could also have been proofread more before being posted. You've called Pansy 'Parkington' instead of Parkinson, it's 'Manor' not Manner, and 'botlle' in the third paragraph to name a few mistakes. Have you considered asking for a beta on the forums?

Plus, since it says on your profile that you're thirteen, you're writing things you technically aren't old enough to even read yet and it definitely shows.

Please don't take this as being rude: I know you're younger than most of the people on this site and you'll improve with practice. I'm just trying to point out areas you could focus on.

Author's Response: okay, thanks first of all for reading and commenting. i think all your points are very valid. i came up with the story after reading some adult fiction with my mum which is why it was 15+ (i was inspired by 15+ novels and this was the result). about hermione i figured that being herself she could probably minipulate the bottle (notice it always lands on Ron when she spins) and the story is mostly about Draco and Luna anyway. the story was mainly just taken from an idea i had in math which was Wizard Spin the Bottle. the plot wasn't supposed to be character driven so canon didn't really matter to me. it was a light quick one shot that was purley just for entertainment purposes. many people have liked it many haven't so i respect every opinion and this reveiw was instructive. i will change the mistakes after proof reading and it should be fixed in a week or so. thanks again for the reveiw-Luna

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Review #22, by NarAnd the Willows Wept: And the Willows Wept

24th September 2009:
>Because the day he forgot Narcissa was the day she died fully and irredeemably. And he would die with her.

Oh God, my heart. I was really miserable when Narcissa turned out not to be dead. I mean, at least if she had been it would have been a bittersweet ending as opposed to "now I will tear out all your hearts and stomp on them, ha ha". :P

I like the descriptive style you've got here - it sort of reminds me of single photographs more than of a film? White and black and thin branches. It goes well with Lucius's 'static viewpoints' I think.

This is total nitpicking, sorry, but it seems a bit odd to me that they would celebrate Draco getting his Hogwarts letter with something as spontaneous-seeming as deciding to cook dinner for them. Wouldn't they have expected it and had a planned celebration? It just seems like something that would fit better with something sudden, like his first spell.

I really like the idea of Narcissa as a smoker, for some reason. It suits her. The lung cancer and yellow fingernails don't, but I'm going to assume she has a magical way around that.

Author's Response: Hehe sorry I hope you're not too depressed after reading this!

I'm glad you liked the style. Its quite different from what I normally write. I get what you mean about the static viewpoints...Lucius is definitely not living a vibrant, always moving life. He's stuck in the manor with no-one but himself for company.

I totally understand about the Hogwarts letter. I get that they would of course have planned a formal celebration but I was thinking along the lines of Narcissa spontaneously deciding to do something the day the letter came...because they may not have known exactly when the letter would come even though they were certain it would come. If you get what I mean lol.

Narcissa as a smoker was a completely last minute decision but I agree that it sort of fits her quite well. And yes I'm sure there would be magical solutions to the less desirable side effects of smoking! :D

Thank you so much for the review! I'm still waiting on an update for your story! :D xxx


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Review #23, by NarWith all my Love, Regulus: First Doubts

3rd September 2009:
It's okay, Sirius will learn he should have been nicer to the house-elves in about thirty years.

I like how Regulus isn't just in Slytherin because that's the Black family default setting, but because he's personally suited for it. There aren't enough good Slytherins around. Plus, the 'desire to prove your merit' thing equates him with Harry, which is interesting.

>Much like your brother? it asked.

Should that be not much like your brother?

Author's Response: Oh I know Thirty years down the road there are many regrets for Sirius. I would NEVER sort a character based on family default, every character was housed for a reason, and despite being a Puff my self I adore Slytherin and try to give them the props they well deserve!

As to the line "Much like you brother?" I wrote it that way because the Hat is questioning Regulus thoughts and fears that he is a lot like his brother. So it's along the lines of "Much like your brother? I fear not." I just didn't put the words "I fear not" in.


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Review #24, by NarWith all my Love, Regulus: Change Starts Somewhere

31st August 2009:
Poor Regulus : (

I really like his sort of 'old-fashioned diction'. It's such a contrast to how familiarly Sirius spoke.

Is 'Bingley' a Jane Austen homage? The epistolatory style reminds me a lot of Pride and Prejudice (also Dracula, but that's probably not as relevant unless Regulus was going to be a vampire hunter, which would be cool but not very canonical.) Also, who did Regulus write the journal for? A lot of time it sounds like he wrote it just for Julia. Is that right?

Author's Response: Hey Nar, thanks for the review! I'm glad you like the feel of the story! Bingley was the last name chosen by a friend. She had a character named Julia Bingley, from whom I'm borrowing from. When my friend first created Julia it was indeed homage to Pride and Prejudice.

As to whom the journal is written, it would be mainly for Julia. There are some general points but Julia is the focus audience this is why Regulus does not say "my mother" but simply mother seeing as Julia has a familiarity with the woman.


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