Shock! Chest pains!!! Heartattack!!! You updated. [Trumpets blairing]
This chapter is EXCELLENT. You haven't missed a beat and are most definitely still on your game.
Favorite parts: Harry buying and giving back the property. That was PERFECT. Just so absolutely Harry - spot on.
Rita Skeeter? Calendar? Where did this come from? Brilliant. Can't wait to see where you take this. Really wish he would've hexed her to Hampshire, but his "Shove off!" was pretty darn good too.
Ron taking out the Muggles was genius - Score one for Ron the Great! Only proper after you put him in that horrid purple cow costume - I can now forgive you for that. ;)
Auntie Muriel?? The Morally Magical Life? Oh, sweet merlin, how cruel you are. And to your favorite character? evil Farmgirl. But brilliant just the same. And we got to see the return of Crookshanks! Brilliant. I'd completely forgotten about him. Even left him out of my own fic. Nice how you outlined that he'd ended up with Muriel during the war. That was a great touch. Now, you know George is going to have a "menagerie" comment or two when he next comes to visit and finds not just Gus the Fox, but Crookshanks the Kneazle. I suppose if Buckbeak shows up next chapter and maybe Norbert we'll be all set! Kidding aside, I really really liked this flourish.
Great work and really glad your back at it.
P.S. The co-author credit is a bit of a stretch, but I do appreciate the compliment.Author's Response: Oh crap, did I just kill my big brother! Someone call the ambulance! Prepare the paddles... CLEAR!!
In all actuality, I probably deserved that. I am the world's SLOWEST updater - ever.
But, thanks so much for stepping back up to the plate and betaing at a moment's notice!
(Oh, and just so you know, the Nargles are trying to get me back big time for the lack of updates. It took me 5 tries and restarting my computer twice to get this response posted!)
Anyway, I'm SO glad you liked the chapter. I was really worried that after all this time it would be wooden or just not right. Makes me feel so much better when you read things like say they are okay.
Where did Rita come from? I honestly don't know. I had no plans to write her, but she just kinda butted her way into the story. I guess I just needed something to show Harry getting more and more frustrated with the pressure and stress around him and Rita worked. Not sure I'll take it too much farther, but it was fun to write!
So glad to know I'm forgiven for the purple cow! I know how seriously you defend Ron! (You do know I like him too, right?)
And yes, I am Evil Farmgirl, picking on poor Fred like that. But it was too much fun to resist. Besides, I'm sure over the years, Fred has done something to Muriel to at least sort of deserve this afternoon of storyreading.
Hmmm.I hadn't planned on Crookshankes staying with Fred long enough for him to get a menagerie...but that would be funny. Will ponder that. And probably no to Buckbeak...he's a little larger and harder to sneak around. hehehehe.
Thanks so much! And you of course deserve the co-author credit. That first section was a least half you, straightening out my legal-esse. And most of the best one-liners were yours too. Just take the credit and smile.
Farmgirl! So awesome to see u writing again. This was priceless. I was so ready for Fred and George. But Dumbles works so much better. Excellent twist. Loved McG's reaction especially when the inevitable explosion came! Brilliant work. You have not lost your touch!
P.s. welcome back little sisAuthor's Response: BRO!!!
Thanks so much! It's great to be writing again!
Every once in a while, I can write about someone other than the twins you know, LOL. And you know me. I have a soft spot for Dumbledore, especially in those moments when he gets to be a little wacky and child-like.
Thank you so much for reading! Maybe, when I get all those files you sent me sorted out, I'll have more Healing to send you to look at. Report Review
You wrote this quickly? Are you kidding? This looks pretty well polished to me.
I don't read much slash, but I'm never "bigoted" about what I read. A good story is a good story...And this is a great one shot - so much so, I added it to my favorites.
But, down to business. Does the flow work? Without question. I never had any trouble following the time line, and I thought the short snippets between each vignette book ended the "flashbacks" exceedingly well. I also liked the little flourishes (Sirius eating cereal on the couch in his underwear, Remus drawing up an early draft of the Marauder's Map, only to have Sirius ruin it, Sirius and Remus both trying to cope with the aftermath of Sirius's imprisonment, noted by the line about the scars and tatoo's being added to Remus's "map" of Sirius.) In fact, the entire map theme throughout was exceptional.
Is anything missing? Hm...I think the story is complete, but it did leave me wanting more. How's that for a non-answer answer?
It works, and I enjoyed it.
EldyAuthor's Response: Thank you! I was a little upset so this was a way for me to sort through my feelings.
I'm glad you gave this a chance despite not really reading slash much. I'm so happy to hear you added it to your favorites - it definitely cheered me up.
I really like to add little details to make things more real, so I'm glad you enjoyed those.
I am pleased with your non-answer answer. ;) Thank you so much for your review. Report Review
This was so completely and utterly unexpected. I was at a complete loss thru the first few paragraphs. A "the world is beautiful" Slyterhin? Then I just went with it. You've got some absolutely priceless stuff in here: her greeting the carrows, the whole "underwear" confrontation in the common room was great and care packages to Azkabahn? How DID you come up with this? Then everything comes crashing down with the murder of Squiggles the house elf (by the way, that's a great name!). Brilliantly, twistedly original. I don't think I've EVER read anything quite like this.
I must know what you're inspiration was.
Also, I liked the Time Turner twist on this, that was very cool. But make sure to address how Snape managed to still have one after they were all destroyed in the battle of the department of mysteries.
Truly original stuff!! You never dissapoint.
EldyAuthor's Response: Hello!
I think my favorite scene to write was the "underwear confrontation" in this chapter. If you must know, I was trying to combine "gratuitous clothing description", "character conflict" and "setting the bar for Draco Malfoy's personality". It came out pretty bizzare, didn't it?
Most of my inspiration came from selecting a Mary Sue trait, snatching an overused cliche out of the grab bag and fitting them both into a mostly-unrelated plot outline. The combinations were quite surprising.
And as usual, the great Eldy has managed to find a dropped plot thread in the first chapter. You are truly amazing! Fortunately, I have three more chapters to fit that in. ;)
I hope you didn't need any brain bleach after this. Thanks so much for the review!
Pix Report Review
The "little white lies" line ties everything up very nicely. Good shift in time between the "before" and the "after." You've got a very adept build up here.
You've made Rowena a very stern piece of work - in fact her callous and cold attitude reminds me more than a little of how Helena was in DH. Like mother like daughter? Regardless, you've got me rooting for Helena so much so that I was just as happy as she was when she stole the Diadem.
You've captured an "old" feel for speech rather well (tho I might use less "on" as opposed to "to" with reference to the slap). The formalistic tones work very well.
And Trelawney's ancestor was an excellent touch! I especially liked how Rowena paid her no mind.
A right entertaining tale. I enjoyed it quite a bit.
EldyAuthor's Response: Thank you very much, both for the positive feedback and for answering so fast!
Yes, Rowena is very cold - I've always imagined her as such, with an intelligence that is purely intellectual (that's a bit redundant) but nowhere near emotional. She values reason over feelings, and I'm happy to know that you found her portrayal satisfying.
Trelawney's ancestor wasn't planned, though it seemed natural to me when she came around... Thank you very much for noticing that!
I will say it again, but thank you for the great feedback :) Report Review
Holy shnikees!! WYHO, that's amazing!!! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is harder than writing in rhyme. Brilliant!
This was my favorite:
"It was true that to the eye, Susan wasn't much to see; her frame was unimpressive and her voice was rather meek. She'd always been a bit too small for both her clothes and ears. In fact, when she was young, her mother called her 'Mouse' for years."
As to punctuation, everything looks solid, but I think quotes or maybe italics for : thank goodness for rocks!
But now to the point. Does this story hold up as a story? ABSOLUTELY. "Dealing with the Post war growing pains of the wizarding society," is a good way to describe the picture you've painted here. Change is very hard for any society and with all the prejudice that has has built up in Wizarding Britain over the years, it will take much more than just victory over Voldy to work out the kinks. I thought you brought that across very very well. But there's also that extremely hopeful ending - an apology from a slytherin? Wow. An excellent glimpse of life post Hogwarts.
I also especially liked how you paint Susan - even her family thinks little of her, despite her obvious talents and abilities. Her defense of her house (and herself) was exceptionally well done.
So, the short answer to your question is: Yes.
And the rhyme scheme...Wow, I truly am impressed. Excellent work here!
EldyAuthor's Response: Eldy! Oh boy, here you go again being too kind to me and making me blush. ^.^ Thanks for the rhyming praise - there were definitely some tricky moments as far as making it work. Oddly enough, the bit that you quoted was one of the biggest struggles I had! SO glad it ended up working out, as I was certainly stressing it before! Yay!
Always good to get the all clear on punctuation! Although now that you mention it, I do agree on the 'thank goodness for rocks!' suggestion. Thank you!
Phew! So glad to hear that! I've been really nervous about whether or not the intention of the story came through past the rhymes. I'm really happy you think it does! I think you summed the point of the story up really well, so yay! And I'm glad Susan was likable! Representing my Puffs! ;)
Thank you so much, Eldy, for the wonderful review! It's made me feel a lot better about the story as a whole! ^.^ Report Review
I'm sorry I've been AWOL. I know you know the story...a lone character walking along a lonesome road, attacked by the dreaded RL monster. What grates on my nerves even more is that no one has left you a review till now. I must keep trying to rectify that.
Now, down to business. This was the best passage in the chapter:
"Right... genocide doesn't exactly foster notions of revelry."
Poignant. I really liked that. So much said in a snarky comment that really wasn't meant as snark.
And this was awesome:
'"I could care less if you keep me on second rotation for the remainder of my career. I didn't join up for the pretty uniform or the accolades. It is within your power to dismiss me, of course, but it is not within your power to make me feel unworthy of the colours that I have bled for."
Moody left the maestro at the shrine. As he walked to the exit, he noticed that his dress uniform had started to change colour from grey to black. A double chevron magically threaded at the cuff of his sleeve. He closed the door behind him and was surprised by Shacklebolt, who had been standing guard outside.'"
Brilliant!!! I was really worrying about Alastor not being promoted. I should've known better because this sequence was outstanding. Not only was Alastor's cheek excellent go-to-hades grade awesome, but the promotion and, especially the uniform change thereafter were pure brilliance.
Running into his old fiance was hard, especially the jibe about his blood status from her husband. TOS won't allow me to say what I want to, and you should take it as a compliment that your writing inspired such vehement anger from me. Well done, mate!
Also, the intro, flashing back to GoF was excellent.
I do hope you haven't given up on this tale. Even though i've been tardy, I'm still here and still reading and enjoying every minute.
Hang in there, mate!
EldyAuthor's Response: Hi Eldy,
Thanks for coming back.
Yes, I'm hanging in there, beating back the RL monster with my fountain pen. Report Review
Amazing work here Whitey. From one action author to another, this was INTENSE.
Lots of excellent flourishes, the armor, the lightening shield (I still like the slugs) and once again, a brilliant take on pre hogwarts aurors (a little attack of the clones here, maybe?)
Excellent stuff! Ventriloquus was simply brilliant!
And such a tragic ending after such an amazing chapter (liked the hit wizard/auror rivalry). What a stellar plot twist. Where in gods name do we go from here??
And, I can't help but wonder if Kingsley isn't going to be Alastor's illegitimate son?
Sorry I've been gone for so long, mate. RL struck again.
EldyAuthor's Response: Thanks,
The validators made me tone it down--something about war being too violent. :p Report Review
As always, the banter is excellent. As well as the interjections, like Dumbledore's "He'll listen to me." That was great!
I like the pre Hogwarts feel you have going with the Aurors. Its very similar to the feel Lucas achieved with the Jedi in the first three Star Wars films. Except this is really good ;)
Sorry I've been away for so long mate. RL called again.
EldyAuthor's Response: Thanks Eldy,
I know the feeling. Report Review
Forgot to mention what a great flourish Voldemort's evil owl was in the last chapter.
Now, on with this brilliant ending.
Wow. You put a lot in here. Snape polyjuicing here into...was it Dorcas??? That doesn't seem to make sense, tho. Dorcas is dead. Hm..
His pain is palpable. This really got to me:
"Severus sat down hard on the edge of the bed next to her bag and clutched the shoes to his chest. Some time passed before he noticed the wet streaks from his own tears on the black finish. He tried to stop the streams of anguish, but it was impossible, they kept spilling down, so he did the only thing he could: he sat on the bed and wept, mourning Dorcas Meadowes and the promises that had died with her."
Amazing bit of prose. You should be proud.
I think the most brilliant flourish in this whole novel has to be Avery. For so many chapters he was unrecognizable, bore nor resemblence to his canon character. That mindwipe that Snape did to him was simply brilliant beyond compare. What an EXCELLENT plot device to change a character pre Hogwarts. Why didn't I think of that?!! Genius!!
But to have it turn out that it was Avery that killed Snape's parents? Wow!! Just full on double WOW. Pix, you can write, of that there is no question. I'm flattered and honored to have beta'ed even a part of this brilliant tale for you.
You should be proud. Magnificent story and so few of even the great tales get completed around here.
You are a gifted author.
P.S. i nominated this for story seekers. Good luck!Author's Response: Wow. That must have been some pie.
Granted that all the examples from the books were people disguising themselves as currently living folk, the reasoning being that if everyone knew they were dead, it wouldn't make for a convincing disguise. However, in the case of the meeting with Moody, it was the only way I could think of for Severus to show Moody that he was the source of Dorcas' information without giving himself away. If Severus had all of Dorcas' possessions from the Potions Shop, he'd have what he needed to make it work. Additionally, I assumed that a piece of hair would retain its magical properties as a potion ingredient, regardless of whether the original donor was alive or dead. (i.e. spider legs, newt eyes) Moody is a smart guy. He'd figure it out. Besides, the whole concept had a certain endearing "creep" factor to it and I liked it. : )
Oh yes, the evil owl! Hahaha! Nasty thing.
That paragraph... I didn't want it to be all crazy over-the-top, but if Severus truly believed that he'd found a way out and then it was gone, it would be reason enough to have a good cry. Looking back, "anguish" might have been a bit dramatic. Knowing you felt something there, I feel like at least I got it mostly right.
Aww, Avery! He was hands down my favorite. I really wanted a tangible villain for Severus: someone he could triumph over in the end, since everything else was so hopeless. And I needed that final twist, or the story would burn out into nothing. JKR has him all strung out after that... I'm very relieved that you seemed to think the ending was "endingish" enough.
As for the "genius" bit, I believe that everyone has their own special brand. I doubt I'd have thought of anything you'd come up with either. ;) But I'd be more than happy to share if your muse ever wants to play around with any of my ideas. I'm sure it'd be brilliant!
See? And here's the part where you make me turn pink with all your complimentary adjectives and such! And yeah, I am very proud of myself for finishing. Glad you liked my story. Very grateful that I could steal you away as a beta for a while and extremely pleased that you stuck through to the end.
Thanks so much for all of your incredibly complimentary reviews!
P.S. Thanks for the nomination! I wonder if there's a place to nominate you for most inspirational fanfic cheerleader. Hmm...
"How could anyone look at that and see him for anything but the monster that he was? Torn and twisted, scarred and alone."
That was simply brilliant!! Absolutely horrid what's happened to Sev. And I hate feeling sorry for him. But, you've managed to do it. And this:
"He was a fool for believing in a happy ending."
Subtle message for me? ;) I had truly hoped that you'd ignore canon...Nonetheless, I really liked how you rescued the "future" by having Lucius cover for Sev, believing that this was only a temporary lapse in judgment caused by love, and not Severus actually going completely over to the Order. You've made Lucius rather human here as well, again a bit of foreshadowing of what his character will become by DH.
A stupendous chapter, Pix. I just gotta find out how this ends
"Absolutely horrid" is right. Poor guy! *points, cringing* You used the "L" word! Shh! (didn't you read the chapter title??) Don't say that out loud again or Severus will certainly slip something into your next meal and I can't take responsibility for that.
"Fool", hahaha! I will say this: if you're feeling sorry for Snape AND thinking that Lucius has a human side, then my job here is done. Oh, but there's another chapter left, which means I have one more gift, don't I?
Thank you thank you thank you!
pix Report Review
Dangit!! I knew she'd get hurt! Arg!
Sorry it took me so long. RL has been a real bear for the past three weeks. Worse than normal. But, I'm finally here and awaiting the pie I was promised...
Really liked the parchment protean charm idea for communication. That was brilliant. And your action scene here was well done! But of course everything went pear shaped. Methinks she's dead. Double arg!
Must keep reading.
EldyAuthor's Response: Hahaha, pie! Of course you can have pie. Welcome back!
Hey, you didn't think I'd let a character go 'round being all reckless with abandon and then not have it catch up with her, did you? DID you??
Little magicky things, I know you like those. I really, really had a difficult time choosing a POV for that action scene. I wanted to kind of bring several things together, like connecting dots. Glad you thought it was well done, but I'm still not convinced it has enough punch. (not the beverage) And I'm not supposed to say one way or the other what the final outcome is, so I guess it's good you have another chapter to find out more.
Loving the gifts!
pix Report Review
That was really REALLY well done! I loved all the little flourishes, the hangovers, the stripper, the ripped dress and Ron carrying Hermione down the aisle. Ginny pregnant was great too, as was Harry and Hermione's moment together.
Really a great story.
EldyAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it and sorry it took so long to reply! I had account troubles! Thanks again!
Lana Report Review
I really, really liked this tale. This was awesome:
"His mother was able to calm down his Nana Molly whenever she yelled at one of his uncles, so James supposed that his mother was up to the task"
I just KNEW they were gonna try and get rid of Lily; but I loved the way they were gonna do it: Santa to the rescue! That was priceless. And I really liked the justifications the boys had for their actions. can't say I blame them. Girls just tend to mess everything up ;)
I really liked seeing Harry interact with his kids. Family would be EXCEEDINGLY important to him, and you captured that so well here. It all felt right. Very right.
But my favorite part had to be Ginny falling back on a Weasley family story, and all the better because it involved Ron (or, the youngest of the "dumbest" brothers to ever walk the earth - ;)
This was a real pleasure to read!
EldyAuthor's Response: Glad that you liked this! :)
I think I underestimated my readers when I wrote this. I know that if I was reading this, I never would have known that they were trying to exchange Lily. Or maybe I am just not as cluey as my readers, haha.
Girls tend to mess everything up, hmmm? Careful, you don't want that to get out, now do you? Haha.
I agree that family would be paramount in Harry's life. I absolutely adore writing him as a Dad and I had fun with his character!
I had to go back to the Weasleys for help in this. I actually got myself into a pickle when I wrote it. I got to the point where Harry and Ginny have figured out that they need to some good parenting but I had absolutely no idea how to go about it. Weasleys to the rescue!
Your review was a pleasure to read, thanks so much!
Joop. Report Review
Ok, the inexplicable magic that "struck" severus in the shop, and the shadows, were just awesome. Is it the Guild? Is it Dumbledore? Is it somthing else, like Fate, trying to intervene? What is up with this???
Totally loved the whole scene with Lucius. That was really unexpected. But the best touch has to be that she was hiding upstairs the whole time.
Now, here's the million galleon question: is this tale going to stick to canon or not? That's what's nagging me. Will there be a happy ending?
Excellent stuff. Dying to know what happens next.
Awesome! It's a review from Eldy!
I looked at the inexplicable magic section and realized that my italics had gone away. I must fix that. *makes note to self* I don't know if it would improve the readability or not, but it looks cooler anyhow. Severus isn't sure what exactly is going on, so I guess it's okay that you are equally mystified. Let me know if the mystification doesn't clear up later. 'Cuz then I might have a teensy little problem.
You liked that chat between Lucius and Severus? Me too! I'd like to think that even pseudo friends share things with one another every now and then. I don't know what it is about writing Severus and Lucius in the same scene. I like it. A lot. Almost as much as writing Avery. I'm not sure what that says about me, but there it is.
Is the tale going to stick to canon? Is there going to be a happy ending? I'm not supposed to answer that, am I? :)
Thanks for dropping by again!
pix Report Review
Awesome chapter! You've got the bureaucratic nightmare that must have been the ministry during the first war down pat! Brilliantly well done. I loved Dorcas' rant about her suspension.
The interplay between D/S is excellent as well. From her reservations about the end of their relationship to his inviting her to come with him. And then he has a flash of inspiration and dumps her on the couch. Perfect!
And the ending? Nice cliffie! Hope the wait won't be too much longer for the next chapter.
Yes, the Ministry's not doing so well at the moment. I seem to recall that it was pretty mucked up, what with all the Death Eater infiltration and all. Just thought I'd play on that a bit. Dorcas was mightily put out by it too, as you saw. I'm happy that you found it appropriate.
I wasn't sure if I was pushing these two out of character in this chapter or not. People sometimes get OOC when they're under pressure, but I didn't want to use that as an excuse. So I went with "boredom meets panic" and hoped for the best.
Thanks once again for the awesome review! Shouldn't be too much longer for the next chapter.
pix Report Review
Again, its the little flourishes that make this tale. I loved the quantum physics explanation of apparation. Quite good. And the land trust twist on the plot is intriguing.
Happy New Year! Report Review
Major league "aww" moment. Very well done.
You've managed to mix the humor and drama together here very well, right down to Ginny's near inexplicable crying jag (I say near inexplicable because pregnant women never need a reason to cry).
This was great: "hey I lost my job because I'm knocked up"
Truly an excellent read; I thoroughly enjoyed the whole story.
Eldy Report Review
You're the only other author I've met out here in potterdom that completes their tales before posting. That's really appreciated!
Perfect flourishes with the ring, new broom, owl and kneazle. Everythng just seems to be coming together nicely. And the tryouts were great!
Now, when does Rita get what's coming to her?
Off for more
Eldy Report Review
I want Rita Skeeter's head on a pike!
Sorry, better now.
Great chapter. That Prophet article was diabolically, evilly, brilliant. Can't wait for the pay-back. And, I thought the convo H/G had in the restaurant was very in-character and well done.
Must read on.
Eldy Report Review
Why on earth doesn't this chapter have any reviews?
Ok. The baby carrier thing was brilliant. Hermione to the rescue!! But, I think you've got the weariness inherent in calming an unhappy infant down perfectly here. Bone-weariness is a better word. I could feel Ginny's back-ache. However, I especially thought this captured things best:
"He looked down at his godson and couldn't blame him for being upset. Both his parents had died, and now his grandmother was hurt and he was staying in a new house. He leaned his head down and kissed the top of the baby's head, which was neon blue at the moment."
And Harry's line about letting Ginny see him starkers to even things up? Priceless!
Eldy Report Review
Terribly sorry about the miscarriage. And sorry that my condolences are not timely. It must have been exceptionally difficult to finish this chapter in light of that. It is a testament not only to your writing prowess but to your strength of spirit that this chapter is so well done.
The attack on Andromeda was unexpected; although Harry's reaction, ordering Ginny home, was not. And Mrs. Weasley showing up to help Ginny care for Teddy, with the attendant flourishes, was well done.
A superb chapter.
Eldy Report Review
Alright. The entire Krum/Ginny flirting thing was done like a pro!
Loved the reference to Harry (Barney) telling Krum that Ginny's boyfriend is a big bloke, jealous type (recently re read DH and had forgot about that part, which got me laughing).
But the best had to be:
"Six?...How could any man get close enough to marry you?"
Followed by: "Who is you husband?"
And then Victor's very gracious exit remarks.
Just liked it all. A lot.
Eldy Report Review
"I didn't see my parents in my dream." His cheeks flushed, clearly embarrassed."What did you see then, Harry? What is the deepest desire of your heart?"... "I saw you."
That was simply amazingly well done! Brilliant flourish.
Sorry, I haven't gotten back to this tale quicker - holiday craziness. Now that I have a chance to breathe, I'm gonna see how much I can read tonight.
Really liked the baby-related flourishes here. From your author's notes, it appears, in part, that you're writing from experience and it shows. Your magical twists on pregnancy and the like really are excellent.
Off for more.
Happy New Year.
EldyAuthor's Response: Thank you for the excellent reviews. I smiled reading through them. I'll respond to all of them when I get a chance, but wanted to say this right off. I've had the holiday insanity around here as well.
I have a lot of baby experience. I have my own kids, I babysit/do day care and we're foster parents, so kids all over the place!
Happy New Years to you as well! Report Review
Georgia, its always such a pleasure to read your work. And I can't think of a more difficult character to write out-of-character in this fashion than Minerva. Believably writing her as unrestrainedly sentimental and inebriated is a tall order. You did it brilliantly believably, primarily due to this line and the theme it carried:
"We're quite a pair, aren't we, Potter? Both of us would rather be alone than put anyone out; put anyone in danger...we give up a lot, don't we? You and I both, here with no family. Yes, we're quite a pair."
I've heard rumors about the McG back-story from Pottermore and assume you've latched onto that here and wonderfully so.
Eldy Report Review
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