Alright! Finally here with the review :)
So this chapter was a little lackluster. There wasn't a ton going on after Henry showed up, so it ended up being a little boring. Despite the lack of plot development, there was a lot of character development and a lot of setting up the time period this takes place in. The potions scene really showed the tensions between purebloods and muggleborns, so I applaud you for that.
I liked the scene with Lily too, I thought it was a great insight into her character, though I'm not sure if this chapter was the best place for it. I think it might have done better a little farther in, but that's just my opinion.
There were also a couple of misspellings/wrong word usage that I noticed, for example "confidant" is someone you confide in, "confident" is a feeling of certainty. Easily mistakable, but kind of important. Try to keep a look out for them!Author's Response: Hey. Yeah, it was, and I'm aware. It's a filler chapter, but it's sort of needed for character development, etc.
Yeah, fair enough about the Lily thing, and while it could have gone later, there's a scene in chapter 7, that I think this is a nice lead in to... although that might just be me. :S I'm worried now.
Ah, awkward for me, haha. I'll jump on that ASAP.
Thanks, lovely. You've been very helpful,
- Adele :) Report Review
Aw Georgie's making a move!
Okay, in all seriousness, my reviews for this are getting shorter and shorter, because there's so little for you to work on! There's nothing I see that needs to be changed or altered in anyway, the things that DO need work are just things that you should add.
For example, each chapter generally only has one moment that progresses the plot. Putting in a smaller moments, and maybe a subplot or two would make each individual chapter more interesting. It shouldn't be that hard, really, you have to main problems going on: George/Brienne and Brienne's mother. Obviously, you can't give too much away about the back story, because I'm sure you've planned out what's going to happen there (or maybe not. I don't plan that much while writing), but there's so much other stuff you can do with that. Brienne is obviously still grieving the loss of her mother, and grief is a long, exhausting process. There's a lot to explore there.
I would also recommend a bit more characterization at each turn. You're doing a really good job with Brienne, but the secondary characters are certainly lacking a bit. I would add a few more interactions, conversations etc. to help develop them a bit.
Otherwise, you really are doing a great job!Author's Response: Hi! :) Thank you very much for your review! I think the whole characterisation thing continues and builds up a bit in later chapters, but I agree that it could be done a bit more earlier on :) Thank you for pointing it out! And I'm glad you're enjoying it :) Report Review
Well, I'm certainly not going to tear this apart! It was absolutely stunning. I enjoyed it very much.
I'm afraid I'm not going to be very much help, I've not read much of the Founders, but as a history buff, I'd say it all worked very well. I think the setting was unintentionally much later than the eleventh century, but as you didn't go into great detail about the setting, I don't think it affects it terribly.
Normally I would actually recommend going into more detail, but but this is actually perfect. Any more detail would take away from the emotion, which is the real subject of the story here.
Okay, I really have no criticism. I'm sorry. This is just fantastic.Author's Response: Oh wow, thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed reading this -- the reception it's received has been overwhelmingly good, and I'm really pleased with it.
Hahahaha, I am completely inexperienced with historical, hence the setting and all. It's good to know that that didn't affect the story too much.
Thank you so much for your review, and for your kind words :)
~Soraya~ Report Review
Finally, here with your review! Sorry it took so long!
So, I don't really have any new feedback to give you, as this chapter didn't do a lot to advance the plot or the characters. I stand by what I said in my last review. I think making the chapters a bit longer will make them more effective. I also think more description will help as well.
I wish I had more feedback for you! Hopefully I will on the next few chapters. :)Author's Response: That's okay. I really appreciate your reviews! You've been very helpful :) I really need to go back and revise, but I've been so busy -.- Ah, well...
Thanks again! Report Review
I'm finding it hard to leave any sort of constructive review.
This was really, really good. The plot development was fantastic, and you did it in an obviously subtle way, if that makes any sense. It was kind of fantastic.
I would like to see more of the twins, so they have more of a chance to develop, but there wasn't too much of a chance to do that in this chapter. I hope there's more coming soon!
This story is so lovely. You're really doing a great job with it.Author's Response: Hi! Wow, thank you! I'm glad you liked this chapter, and there's a lot of the Twins coming up :) Thank you for your review! Report Review
So I'm going to start off by saying I'm sorry it took so long to get to this!
All right, first, I think that this chapter could probably be combined with the first, and possibly the third as well. As of now, they're pretty short, and on basically the same subject, so I don't see much of a reason to keep them separated. This is partially personal preference, I like longer chapters. :)
I like where Angie is going, I like that she isn't in Gryffindor (I read that right, didn't I?) and that she's just desperate to know about her mom and keep her dad within her reach. It's a very natural sentiment. I'm still worried about her becoming a Mary Sue, but we haven't actually seen enough of her for me to judge it. (I'll definitely let you know when I do).
I think you should really work on explaining and describing things more thoroughly. What do the characters look like? What does the scenery look like? What's happening around them? Why is Angie thinking/feeling the things she is? WHY WAS SIRIUS IN HER BEDROOM? OMG IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY. Adding details really adds a lot to the story.
Other than that, good job!Author's Response: It's not a problem! Thanks for RandR-ing! :D Okay, I'll take another look at the chapters and see what I can do about combining.
Yep, Angie is a Ravenclaw! I wanted her to be a bit of a Potter rebel ;D But she's also very much her mother's daughter.
Arugh...details, I know! I really should've fixed that when the queue was so short -.- But break is coming, so I'll revise then!
(Sirius was in her room to wake her up.)
Thank you so much for your helpful review!! :D Report Review
Okay, first of all, sorry I'm late. Second, I'll get to the review!
I liked the scenes at the beginning, in the dorm room. It was nice to see the interaction between the two groups of girls, and it gave insight into all of their characters. I also liked the insight into Melody, and how you highlighted Reyna. Good characterization!
I'm not hugely fond of all the characters introduced in this chapter, it's becoming a bit overwhelming. I can hardly keep them all straight! Introducing them in class helped a bit, and I think it would be a good idea to keep utilizing that method, at least for a while.
This chapter was super long, and I think it drug a little. It was also just a little choppy. I think there are a couple of scenes that could be moved to other chapters, because they don't necessarily fit in this one.
Other than that though, it was was really good!Author's Response: Ah, sorry. I always forget that people don't know my characters as well as I do. :/ Bad habit of mine, but i'm glad that introducing them in class worked better for you. I'll keep that in mind :)
Yeah, it's the same length of my others, and I get that it's choppy [I need to go back and edit that a bit, but haven't have time...] but I needed things in here so I could set stuff up for later unfortunately. I'll work on it though, so thanks for mentioning it :)
I'm glad you liked it and indeed, Henry! He's wonderful, and i'll go re-request now so I can hear what you have to say about him in the next chapter!
Thanks again for this, it's really appreciated,
- Adele. :) Report Review
What a sweet story!
I think your characterization was really good! There was definitely a firm knowledge of each of their personalities. There's a little room to develop Daphne, and I think that will add a lot to the story.
I definitely found the whole thing believable, especially around sixth year, with Draco not talking to Pansy. Of course, we know that there was so much more going on in his life than they were aware of.
Great work!Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you for coming by!
I'm very glad the characterization worked for you. Granted, this was only a one-shot, so I probably won't put too much more into it, but if I write Daphne again, I'll definitely keep your advice in mind.
I'm also pleased that it seemed to be a believable pairing and that the time frame made sense to you.
Thanks for your very kind review! :)
-Amanda Report Review
Hello! Here with your review!
So I liked the direct characterization toward the beginning. Normally, I'm not a fan of it at all, but I think it fits with Kessie. You formed a really strong foundation for her with this chapter. The only problem I had with it was that ALL of the characterization in this chapter was direct; it's always better to show than to tell.
I think the premise for your plot is interesting, but I'm not sure how plausible it is. I'm not sure why anyone would think that any form of the Triwizard Tournament is a good idea. It's definitely something worth considering as you write.
That being considered, I think the plot is moving at a good pace. You had a nice build up to it and didn't give too much information at once. The flow was good once you got going toward the plot, but toward the beginning it was a little choppy. I would read through it a few more times to see if you can organize it a little better, because there were a few places it didn't make sense.
Overall, your writing is very good. There were no grammar errors that I saw, and the language you used was quite pretty. Good work!Author's Response: I'm so sorry for the unbelievably long wait for a response; I've had various wi-fi/lack of laptop/not enough time to do anything but study problems, so I'm trying to slowly work my way through reviews but it's taking a while.
First of all, thanks for reviewing! Reviews are what motivate me to keep writing :)
I've now gone back and edited the first chapter now and taken out the long descriptions of her siblings. Hopefully this is going to make it less choppy. I've also put in a little more non-direct characterization.
It will hopefully be fully explained in further chapters the reasons for the resurrection of the Triwizard Tournament. I admit that it does seem a little unlikely at the moment, but it should hopefully make sense soon.
~horseyrosyrb Report Review
Another short chapter, but I think you're back on par with it.
The thing that struck me most about this chapter is how Brienne was was in good spirits for most of the chapter, and then, after a particularly good night, she crawled up into her bed and started crying. That is so completely accurate.
The rest of the chapter was just as good. I liked the introduction of the chasers, and I thought you did a good job with their personalities. I might have preferred to see a little more development of Fred, George, and Brienne, but that's okay.
One thing I did notice was the way you describe facial expressions. It's effective, but I think actually describing the raised eyebrows, narrowed eyes, and positions of the mouth make it slightly more interesting to read.
I think that's it! I'm excited to read more! :)Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you liked this one! I'm glad you think my writing appears realistic, that's what I strive for :) I'll try and work in some more development in there, thanks for pointing it out, and reviewing! Report Review
What an interesting beginning!
I think your plot is really intriguing. It's plausible given the circumstances, and you've really given it a firm foundation with this chapter! Great work.
The pacing is really great too. It starts off a little slow, but it's not without a point. You can't just jump right into murdering the kind without establishing some things first. So while it was a little slow, it wasn't at all boring. It's a very good pace, really.
Your characters are kind of amazing. We're one chapter in, and Sirius is already spot on. Cygnus is really well developed too. I feel as though I know exactly what their personalities are. Some people write entire stories and never do that, and here you've done it in one chapter. I applaud you.
Fantastic work. I'm very interested to see the rest of this!Author's Response: I'm glad you find it interesting and the plot is intriguing. I definitely want to catch the reader's attention and make them want to continue reading.
Haha, yeah, you definitely can't just jump right into the murdering bit. Part of me really wishes I paced myself a bit more but the murder, while a catalyst, isn't a huge part of the plot.
I'm also really pleased to find that you are enjoying my characterization of these canon characters. Sirius and Cygnus are great to write so I'm glad I picked the two of them to alternate.
Thank you so much for your review. :) Report Review
SMELLY CAT! I was singing it in my head the whole time. It made me smile.
I thought this chapter was great! The writing was very good; the description was clear, and your word choice is fantastic. It makes for a really enjoyable read. I think the dialogue sounded really realistic too! I'm quite jealous, as that's very hard to do.
The flow and pacing of the chapter was great. The order of events was smooth and sensible. The plot is a little slow moving, but it's not boring. It's a long chapter, but it isn't gratuitous. You're using the length to develop the characters and their relationships, which is so, so important.
The characterization in this chapter is great too. There's more of an insight into Keira, and it's nice to see that she does have legitimate insecurities. It makes her more relatable, which in turn makes her more likable. It would have been nice to maybe get a tad more development of her roommates (there was some, but not much more than we already knew), but I'll forgive you for the development of Lily. OH MY GOD LILY. I WANT TO HUG YOU FOR LILY. So many people portray her as a cold book worm or as someone who sleeps around so it's always nice to see her as she actually was: a kind, well-liked, normal person. I'm excited to see more of her. I'm excited to see more of everyone, actually.
Excellent chapter. Excellent.Author's Response: Hahaha, i'm thrilled you liked this chapter. It means so much that you loved everything from Levi, to the pacing, to the characterisation of Lily, to everything else. I'm so happy to hear that you like it so much. ^_^
Cheers for the review, and i'll defiantly re-request,
- Adele :) Report Review
Awe, that was sweet!
There were a few grammar problems here and there, missing commas and the like, but nothing too heinous.
I think that Neville was pretty spot on, but that Luna could use a little more development. The story is meant to be partially about her, and she's hardly in it at all!
I think the whole story could really be extended to add more detail, emotion and character development. It was really cute, but I had no idea why Neville liked Luna, or how Luna was responding to his advances, or what the dynamic between them was. Showing more interaction between them, and more of Neville's thought process will really add to the story.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! I'm hoping the grammar problems will be sorted out soon, I'm hoping to get a beta to look over this for me so, hopefully that should clean it up a bit. I'm glad you thought Neville was spot on, he's my second fav character!! I see your point about her hardly being in it and I'll keep that in mind. I'll keep the thoughts and things in mind too, I think I just thought of the story and wrote it down, but looking back I do see that it could use some. Thanks for pointing it out.
Thanks again for the review
Hey! Back again!
So, I didn't see any grammar problems this time, so good work!
There was less development here than the last chapter, but I did like the work you did with Al. It definitely makes sense to have him resent the comparisons to his father, I know I would. It might have been more interesting to read that development over some time, and decipher it through his actions, but this story is not about him, so I think it's okay. I would also have liked to see a bit more development of Rose. There was a little more of her personality, but only a glimpse at the end.
Again, the flow was good, the order of events made sense and was put together nicely.
I think the area that needs the most focus is definitely your character development. I don't doubt that you can create likable, three dimensional characters, but the way you go about it can be improved. When you're writing characters, it's always better to show than to tell. You can tell me that Al is annoyed being compared to his father, but it's much more interesting to see him annoyed with them. Maybe he rolls his eyes and makes snide comments under his breath, or maybe he tries his hardest to be the OPPOSITE of his father. These are just hypothetical examples, but it gets the point across: actions speak louder than words. Another tip on characterization: try to make every action your character takes and word your character speaks add to their development. Think of it this way, when you're getting to know someone, every time you spend time with and talk to them, you get to know them a little better. The same concept should exist between your character and the reader. Obviously, it's difficult to make, say, getting on the train part of their development, but it goes with the showing rather than telling. If someone is struggling with a trunk, and does or does not ask for help, that says a lot about the character without actually saying anything at all.
Anyway, sorry for lecturing, and hopefully that was helpful!Author's Response: thanks for helping me with character development :) Report Review
It was another good one! I think I might have preferred for you to have a little scene with Katie and Leanne in the hospital, just to keep up the framework, but I understand why you didn't.
So plot twist! I was definitely not expecting Katie's life to fall apart like that! It might be a little much, but sometimes it takes something big to restore a friendship. And it definitely made for more development of Katie. How you react to difficult situations definitely brings out your personality. She definitely seems more three dimensional at this point. I'm not sure if you intended it, but you did a really great job of presenting Katie as Leanne sees her. This chapter seemed to be a reality check both for Leanne, and for me as a reader.
You also did a great job of developing Leanne more. She was already well done, but you just brought her that much further. It definitely highlighted the changes Katie talked about. It was great.
The writing was great again, not as emotional as the last chapter, but I don't think it really needed to be.
Great job!Author's Response: Hi again :)
I see what you mean about the framework, but I didn't want to break the flow of the story. Besides which, this started off as a two-shot, and it was only after adding quite a bit of material that it became a three-shot, so I had to think of a suitable place to cut it, and I didn't think about adding that scene.
I agree that it was a bit much, but I'm glad I surprised you nevertheless. Also -- I know Katie's characterisation is something that's been commented on generally so I'm pleased that you thought I developed her more here. Ditto Leanne :)
I'm so happy you liked it! Watch this space for the third chapter -- it's being betaed as we speak (or type, lol). Thanks again!
~Soraya~ Report Review
Hello there! Here with your review!
Alright first things first:there are definitely formatting issues in this chapter. All of the paragraphs are running together, and it makes it really difficult to read. I know the editor is a bit hard to work with, but putting in the effort to make the chapter formatted properly is really wroth it.
I can't comment too much on characterization at this point, because we've only really met Angie, but it seems as though she'll be likable. Be careful with her though, she has all the markings of a MarySue! Make sure to add flaws and quirks to make her believable. I'm interested to see more of James and Sirius, they seem funny and age appropriate, though maybe slightly hyperactive. I'd like to see how they turn out.
I think the flow and pacing was good, it didn't seem too rushed and nothing seemed out of place. I do think the chapter was a bit short, and in order to make it less dull, you could probably add their time at King's Cross, and on the train, and the Welcome Feast. Granted, my chapters are apparently really long so, it might just be a personal thing on my part.
The only real comment I have is that this story seems very cliche. Based on the summary, title, and banner, it seems like there's going to be a twist to it, so I'm hoping that takes away from the feeling that I've read this story multiple times before.
Technically speaking, the writing was good. There were no grammar issues, and I liked the tone and style of your writing. You could possibly add a bit more description, but you don't need to go overboard with it. A couple sentences here and there, maybe even just a few more words would help readers build the mental picture. As of now, I have no idea what anything looks like, so it's hard for me to imagine Angie, her father, the Potters, and where they were at any given time, and picturing the story in my head is the best part of reading. As a note on this, I really liked the subtle way in which you did add the details, for example, having Sirius comment on Angie's clothing was both useful for me, and believable to read.
I think that's all I have for you, keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you!! I'll definitely edit the chapter and fix the spacing problem :) Shoot me if Angie turns into a MarySue haha xP Yeah, I keep looking at my chapters and word count, and it's quite small. I'll try to change that as the story goes on haha. I plan for this story to have lots of twists, so I'm keeping in mind to make it as un-cliche as possible ;) Yeah, I just noticed my descriptions are lacking - thank you for spotting that! I'll fix that later on haha. Thank you so much for your helpful review :D Report Review
Hey! So a much shorter chapter this time, and I have to say, not quite as good as the ones before. Not bad, necessarily, just not as good.
It would have been nice to see the interactions and development between Brienne and the twins, rather than just saying that they were. It is always better to show than to tell, after all. The line at the end was also a little odd. How would she know after only one try? The entire scene really seemed out of place to me.
On the other hand, I think Brienne's reaction to the letter were spot on. The emotions and confusion and unwillingness to talk about it were exactly right. I think Fred and George were pretty spot on too. I really like where you're going with development of the twins, you're highlighting the differences between them and it's very interesting.
(Feel free to keep rerequesting this! I really do like reading it!)Author's Response: :D Hi! I think this is probably my weakest chapter, so thanks for pointing out ways that I can improve it :) I completely agree with what you said, show don't tell! I'll certainly take your comments and work them in :) Thank you for your review! Report Review
Hello there! Here with your review! Sorry it took so long...
You're certainly off to a good start here. The plot is interesting and believable. It moved forward quickly, but the pace suits the story. I don't need to know every detail of every year, I only need the important parts, and those are what you're telling me. I like the framework of Leanne telling the story to Katie, a bit cliche, but it works.
The only downside to writing this way is that you lose opportunities for character development. I think you did a good job developing Leanne, but Katie is still a bit of a mystery. Bits and pieces come across, but she seems a bit flat to me. I think adding one of their fights would help this: you'd get a better idea of both of them. I got the impression that you intentionally made Katie a bit of a mystery, because it seems that Leanne sees her that way, and again, I think an argument between them would make this more effective. What makes Leanne annoyed with Katie, or vice versa? I know you said they only fought over dumb things, but perhaps there's a deeper meaning? Maybe Leanne is too stuck in the past, and Katie wants them both to move on, and this manifests itself in an argument over a band or something. It is only the first chapter though, so perhaps the next one does develop Katie further.
I think your overall writing in this story is really good. You're able to paint a picture of their friendship with a few short scenes, and you're doing a lovely job of conveying Leanne's emotions. Your general writing style is really lovely; your word choice and sentence structure made for a pleasurable read. Great job!Author's Response: Hi :)
I'm glad you thought I got onto a good start, and that you thought it was interesting and believable. I did think one of my main issues was that I was covering far too long a timespan for my liking, so it's nice to know that you liked that. And yes, I do know that Leanne telling Katie the story is a bit... cliche, but I'm pleased that it didn't deter you much and that you thought it worked nevertheless.
Yes, I think Katie's characterisation is something of a weak point in this story. Hopefully, if and when you read the next chapter, you'll see a development in her character there.
I'm so glad you liked it. This story has given me hell, so it's nice to know it's not completely crap, lol.
Thank you so much for your review :)
~Soraya~ Report Review
Another great chapter!
You're doing a really great job of pulling the plot along. It's slow enough that I'm not overwhelmed with information, but not so slow that it's boring. It's a delicate balance, and you've achieved it.
You're doing an excellent job of developing Brienne as well. Her personality is distinct and three dimensional, and is being developed more in almost every scene. It's really fantastic. :)
I'm trying to think of something you could work on, but I've yet to find anything. You're doing a wonderful job on this story so far!Author's Response: :D Wow, great! Thank you so much for reviewing! You're not going to get rid of me in the near future with reviews like these, that I can guarantee you! xD Thanks again! Report Review
Hello there! Finally here with your review!
There's not too much I can comment on plot wise, as it is only the prologue. I can say, that you did a very good job setting yourself up for the plot. I feel as though I know what to expect in the following chapters, and that it will probably be very interesting. You've made me curious, which is a very good thing for your readers to be.
The flow of the story seemed a little off to me. The first section especially was very confusing and even a little difficult to read. It took a lot of effort to try and figure out what was going on, and it definitely pulled me out of the story. The second part was better, but there were still parts that seemed really out of place, which interrupts the flow of the piece.
On a separate note: there were a lot of mistakes in this chapter. Not a ton of glaringly improper grammar, but enough that it was noticeable. There were a few places where I think you accidentally forgot to type a word, and the rest of the sentence didn't make sense because of it. Try reading the chapter aloud, to a friend if you can, and you'll catch things like that. :)Author's Response: Hello Sunshine...wait that sounds sort of weird doesn't it? :P
Thank you for your review I'm editing the chapter, though I don't have anyone to read it to so I'll read it to my self I suppose XD It's funny because I never thought of that before.
I'm happy I made you curious means the prologue did what it supposed too, :)
Thank you. Report Review
Hello! Here with your promised review! Sorry it took so long!
So that was an interesting start! It was a nice way to introduce the characters and set up the back story for the future plot. Good work getting it started!
Your grammar was good, I only found one mistake: you have a comma splice in your second sentence. It's not necessary to use a comma between other and since, and it kind of disrupts the flow of the sentence. There were one or two other places where you used a period and a comma would have sufficed, but the places I noticed these were in dialogue (when they were talking about the cat), and there's usually a little more freedom when people are speaking.
The character development is pretty good thus far. You've laid a great basis for everyone's personality, and you've even done a pretty good job of making them well rounded. That is quite a feat in one chapter. I'm hoping that we'll get to see a little more of Ron in Rose, because she seems like a miniature Hermione at the moment.
The flow was good too! It was a little choppy, especially when they were going from the train to the castle to the sorting, but you could fix that with a few sentences, or you could even leave it alone because it wasn't a huge problem.
Overall, a great job!Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review :) Your review really helped with all of the problems. Report Review
Another good chapter!
Not much going on in it, but definitely necessary. You did a nice job of showing that Brienne was a shy and withdrawn person, though I would have liked to see a bit more of her.
Other than that, I have nothing else to say. Your writing is pretty fantastic. :)Author's Response: Hi :) Thank you very much for your review, I'll try and strengthen this chapter a little more, thanks for your comments :D Report Review
An interesting start!
Your writing was very good, proper grammar, good description, nice flow. It was very nice to read!
There isn't a ton of characterization in this chapter, but that definitely works in your favor here. Brienne has an aura of mystery about her and it makes me want to read more.
The only negative comment I can think of is that the premise is a bit cliche. However, it looks like you're doing it differently enough, and well enough that it isn't annoyingly so. Cliches aren't always necessarily bad, either.
Overall, great work! A very nice introduction!Author's Response: Hi! :) Yeah, this story's premise is one huge cliche, but I'm glad you think it isn't annoying or off-putting :D Thank you so much for reviewing, I'm really glad you liked it! Report Review
Hello there! Sorry I'm a little late, life got a little busy for a few days, but here I am now!
Okay, so the first thing I noticed was the beautiful chapter image! I know that has nothing to do with the writing, but it's really beautiful.
The next thing I noticed was how original the whole thing seems. I'm pretty sure I've never read a Sirius/OC story where the OC was not BFFs with Lily. I'm also pretty sure I've never read one where OC had a boyfriend at first. It's really refreshing. It's not COMPLETELY original, having the OC hate Sirius is pretty commonplace, but everything else makes it less cliche.
The characterization seems pretty good. Keira seems like a likable, well rounded character. You did a very good job in introducing her! The rest of the characters also have very distinct personalities, and the canon characters seem spot on. Good work!
The writing was really good too! Proper grammar (which, honestly is like the biggest step to take in fanfiction), and a nice flow. The pacing was good, it was a long chapter, but it wasn't boring. I think the description was good, there were maybe a few places that were a little confusing (at the beginning the dung bombs for example), but other than that I had a very clear picture of what was going on. The dialogue seemed a little forced in areas, and often seemed a little out of place for the time period. But I mean, I wasn't a live in Britain in the seventies so I could be wrong.
Overall a very good first chapter!Author's Response: No worries. I'm just happy you could stop by :)
I know, right? The chapter image is amazing, and all credit goes to Sixx. over at TDA. She's made all of the chapter images, par the last one, and she's absolutely brilliant. ^_^ I envy her talent.
Keira doesn't hate Sirius; she doesn't know him well enough to hate him (i'll clear that up in later chapters), but i'm glad the rest of it seem original. ^_^
I'm thrilled you find the characterisation up to par, and that the canon characters are working for you. It's something I work really hard to achieve, and i'm always to happy when people say that i've done it well.
Thanks goes to my beta on the proper grammar. I'm generally pretty good, but she picks up the few things I miss. :)
I'm glad the flow and pacing work as well, as that's always something i'm worried about. My description needs work, I know, but i'm super happy to hear that it doesn't subtract from the story. :)
Thanks so much for this review, and i'm sorry it took so long to respond :S
I'll defiantly re-request,
- Adele :) Report Review
So, this was pretty fantastic. It had me giggling in excitement, and I loved every minute of it. I like the fact that you jumped right into their relationship, I get so tired of reading the "Lily hates James because he's a jerk but he's really not anymore" beginnings. They get a little tedious, so this was very refreshing.
I thought the flow was really good! The plot moved along at a nice pace; it wasn't too rushed, but it wasn't boring either. There were a couple of sentences with interjections that I thought were unnecessary and made it a little difficult to read.
"Unfortunately, like an idiot, when James had asked her out a week into the year, she’d immediately said no out of habit," for example was a little confusing. Moving "like an idiot" to the end would make it a little clearer. There may have been a couple of other places like this, but that was the most troubling.
The description was very good as well! Enough detail to create a clear picture, but also leave something to the imagination. A little more description of the characters might be nice, but we do mostly know what the look like so it's not essential. There were a couple places where the positioning of the pair was a little unclear, but not so much that I was troubled trying to figure it out.
The characterization, too, was really good! It's very subtle, but that kind of just makes it better. I think you really captured the banter that is bound to have been in their relationship (AND IT WAS SO CUTE OMG I WAS LIKE DYING.), and using that developed the characters even further. It definitely gave a pretty clear picture of the characters. They aren't quite three dimensional yet, but it is the first chapter and so far they seem very real and very likable.
Thank you so, so much for requesting this! I loved reading it!Author's Response: I'm so sorry for taking so long to respond to this - I went away and took a bit of a holiday from the archives as well.
I do want you to know how much I appreciated this review. I'm really glad that you liked the way I jumped into their relationship - I have the same reaction to fics starting with the love/hate thing, and I was hoping that other people would enjoy it as well. :)
I definitely know what you mean about the interjections - that's definitely a problem of mine. I'll definitely change that sentence around! I also know what you mean about description of the characters - I tend not to think about it as much as I probably should, but I'll go back and add a bit more in.
I am so glad you enjoyed this. Thank you for the review, and I'm sorry again that it's taken me so long to respond. Report Review
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