Akabara here from the forums! Terribly sorry it's taken me so long to review, but I had a review typed up for this, then I hit a button on my computer and the review was gone. :'(
But I'm here now!
"He knocked into a woman in his haste, growling as her voice rose in anger behind him; speaking in a language he didn't even understand." - The semicolon in this sentence should be a comma. A semicolon connects two sentences; 'speaking in a language he didn't even understand' is a fragment. (that was an example of correct semicolon usage)
'"You should feel privileged my master even entertained your suggestion on such short notice." Severus sneered.', '"I am dropping a great prize into your lap to present to your master." The man replied.', and '"The Dark Lord will take whatever is not given to him freely." Severus said.'
-The periods at the end of the character's speech should be commas. You know what, you do that very often. (using periods instead of commas) I can't list them all, so you'll have to read over and find them yourself. If the speech ends in a '?' or '!', then just make the 'He said' into 'he said.'
'"Ah. strings...This world is played with strings, would not function without them, and those that pull and tug at them to do their own bidding. I'm sure your Dark Lord carries many of those strings in his own two hands." He said, his murky eyes growing intense,' -Three things wrong with this. 1: Either that period after 'ah' needs to be turned into a comma or 'strings' needs to be capitalized. 2: Once again, that period after 'hands' needs to be a comma. 3: You ended that with a comma, which should be a period.
'"Your master searches for a mate...A woman. I have heard such things."' '"Do you have one in mind...A woman, I mean. For my Lord."' -Just put a space between the '...' and 'a' in both of those sentences. Actually, you do that all of the times you do "..." Just go back and add that space in.
'Her features were a creation of elegant bone-structure; graceful jawline giving way to fluid, high cheekbones; slightly wide-set eyes flowing along the delicate line of her straight, small nose and smooth brow line.' -Semicolons. (see first grammar mistake lecture lol)
Severus longed to turn the picture around, to gaze upon her again as he listened. He resisted the urge, instead saying,
"She is incomprehensibly beautiful, pure of blood, wealthy...and very, very alone." -This should be on one line.
'He said, his hungry eyes tracing along the girls slender collarbone,' -'girls'' to 'girl's.' Also, that comma at the end of the sentence should be a period.
'Severus shook his head shortly. his eyes drawn to the photo that lay between them.' -The period between shortly and his should be a comma.
"My masters' interests have not yet reached these lands. My interests are his." 'masters'' to 'master's.'
'"Who..."Severus found that his tongue was sticking to the roof of his mouth.' -Add a space between the " and 'Severus'
'I am confidant to say she may possess Ancient Magick, for those lines flow to many of the Ancient Magicians of Greece."Therius' deep voice rumbled around him, churning his already spinning mind.' -Put a space between the " and 'Therius.' Also, this isn't really a grammar thing, but you might want to say "churning Severus' already spinning mind."
'We do not see muggleborns' as less efficient in manners of magic, but they are often of rougher stock.' -'muggleborns'' should just be 'muggleborns.'
'Children would not be able to attend their schools, even if they were open." Therius' continued.' -'Therius continued.'
'His dark eyes looked hard at Severus before he added,
"It seems your master seeks to make an impression on the entire world, this time around."' -This should all be on one line. Also, Therius looked at Severus, not his eyes. That's just me being incredibly nitpicky though.
'Severus nodded in time, saying,
"I will put this bit of information before my master, and let him know from whence it came. Most especially, from whom."' -Another one that should be on the same line.
'Therius stood as well, giving a sweeping bow as he replied,
"I am."' -Okay, last grammar thing! Just put his speech on the same line. :3
I'm sorry for all that, but you said that grammar was one of your main concerns, and I'm a grammar freak. I'm on to something else, though!
Well, I think that you set your story up very well with this beginning chapter, which was actually a bit like a prologue. The situation with Magikos Akademia and the state of things with Voldemort attacking is very believable.
However, Voldemort suddenly wanting a woman is a cliche and pretty unbelievable. But I am willing to go with it as you have presented it very well.
You have done a great job with Severus Snape’s characterization. There's just one thing: Severus Snape never struck me as the type who would drool over a girl, and a fifteen-year-old girl to boot, no matter what beautiful gods that she is a descendant of! To me it just seemed totally out of character, and thus unbelievable. Maybe if Severus was initially struck with her beauty, but did not act like a perv wanting to stare at a slightly inappropriate picture of an underage witch, it would be a bit better.
Kalista's beauty is a tad unbelievable too, but as she is a descendant of gods I will let it slide. ;3
Other than that one thing with Snape, I think that this was a wonderful chapter. I love your writing style; it's incredibly descriptive. I could really visualize what was happening in this chapter.
Well, I am off to read and review the second chapter!
~AKABARAAuthor's Response: Oh, the disappearing-text-act...I almost pull my hair out every time that happens. Thanks for sticking through the frustration and getting my review done regardless!
I am really appreciative of all of the grammar tips, and the fact that you gave me detailed instructions and pointed out where they are in the story was an extra juicy bonus. No need to worry about taking too much time with that part.
I understand about the bit with Voldemort wanting a woman being cliche, but there are reasons behind the Dark Lord's search that were briefly mentioned involving immortality. We all know how obsessed Voldy is with staying alive.
I also understand why you would be hesitant to accept Snape's immediate obsession with the girl, but it is important for me to portray her unavoidable appeal. It is integral to the OC's characterization. Still, perhaps I should ease Severus into the obsession a bit more, to make it more believable.
Kalista is uncomfortably beautiful, and I have heard many complaints that she is a 'Mary-Sue' character. Have no worries though, Kalista is descendant of gods, but she is far from perfect.
I am so glad to hear that you enjoy my writing-style, because that is key in any review. If you can't get into the flow of the story, then you won't continue to read.
Thanks once again for such a detailed and comprehensive review. I really do appreciate it so much, because I haven't gotten a lot of reviews on this story, as you can see. I will be looking forward to hearing more from you, and hope you continue to be pleased. Report Review
Oh joy! I just decided to check my favorite stories, and lo and behold, another chapter is up! And so I shall review while shirking off my various other responsibilities. :D
First thing first: grammar.
About my last review in which I mentioned how I thought "maths" was supposed to be "math." Lol where I live we just say, "she's good at math." Math as a general term referring to all forms of math. I suppose that "maths" would work, I've just never heard it before. :)
This isn't really grammar, but I noticed that you repeated this same thing within only a few lines of each other. I don't know if that was intended, as it could certainly work that way, it was just a bit strange to read. - '“I’ll expel myself if you do,” Al offered. “I’ll help you pack.”' If you meant to have it like that, you may want to rephrase. :E
Forgot the period at the end of the sentence here- '“What!” said Score, and seemed terribly put out that nobody was paying attention to him, which Al was sorry about' This is also a good time to say that you have "said" a lot. It's not a big deal; I'm just incredibly nit-picky.
'Al thought for a second and hazarded “Breakfast?”' Isn't there supposed to be a comma before he says "breakfast?"
Now on to a few things that literally had me laughing out loud. (loling xD)
"...as if he was personally offended by their failure to be Animagi." Oh my gosh I totally guffawed at this part. I have no idea why; it was just incredibly funny to me.
"Professor McGonakitty" I'm sure you've gotten a lot of reviews mentioning this, but I have to say it. This is so Kitty, not to mention uproarious (ooo cool word).
James' reaction to Al revealing Teddy's questionable family was PRICELESS. Scorpius was pretty funny there as well. He definitely has a personality now lol. And now he thinks Al's crazy. (well, now he REALLY thinks it)
A bit surprised that McGonagall would give in to showing off so easily, but I suppose with Kohut in close proximity, showing him her awesome kitty-ness was irresistible. Belittling him must be unimaginably fun...
*sighs at the cats fighting outside her window*
Lol did you make up Animaging or is that actually a term? I’m so going to use that now. “Hey guys, I’m going out to go Animaging. Save me a sandwich and some corn.”
I have no idea how you can manage to write so much. My chapters are always around 2-4 thousand words... I commend you on your amazing writing skillz. :P
I believe that this review has been long enough, so I bid thee a fond adieu. xD
~AKABARAAuthor's Response: Yay! Being responsible is for losers!
'Maths' is the only way it's said in England. But I guess 'math' is good too. Except it reminds me of Welsh kings. Yeah, there was this guy, I think he had to keep his feet in the lap of a virgin all the time when he wasn't at war or his head'd explode or something. Which must have made it really hard to walk, I guess he had to declare war on someone every time he went to the bathroom.
None of that had any relevance to anything.
I did? Ooops. It's definitely not deliberate, and I think I meant to have an end of a sentence on that sentence as well. May as well change the saids too, while I'm at it. Thanks very much for pointing it out!
Did you know I checked Google and there's only like seven results for McGonakitty? Crazy. I was sure everyone'd be using it. (Yay I made a mostly-original funny)
Aw, cute! Chuck water on them, they'll hiss and dash off :3
I dunno if anyone else's used the verb 'to Animage', but I haven't seen it. *shrug*
Thanks very much!
And, while I'm on the subject of thanking you, I noticed you'd put my fic down in the 'best story you've read on HPFF' thread on the forums. Thanks so much! I'm really flattered :D Report Review
All right, Akabara here with review number two.
First thing, I think it might make more sense if you had James say, "Like your sister threw you away." Raina wasn't thrown away from Alice; she rejected her or "threw her away."
I like how you had the Coca-Cola thing with "seeing red." Tying in your main theme at random points is great! :D
I think you portrayed James harassing Alice very well. There were jeering onlookers; always a must in public humiliation. Still, James just seems to plain nasty. Hopefully he'll lighten up; I'm not sure Harry would let his son grow up like that.
LOL Albus, you dog. So crafty. The wanted poster was hilarious. "Goes by 'Sprite" lol. And it was also a great way to tell us what Ms. Sprite looks like. xD
Well, as I said in my last review, I think that this story has some great potential. I think you should work a little on description and possibly make your chapters a little longer. However, as a whole, I rate your story a 8/10. I'll definately follow this story. Haha I can't wait to see what happens between Albus and Alice.
Thanks for requesting reviews! Request again when you've updated, okay? :3
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Hmm, I think the throwing away point you brought up is very good. I was debating that. James was the one who revealed to Raina that Alice was an outcast, etc., so he played a part in that. That's mostly why I said Raina was thrown away from Alice. I should probably make that clearer so it'll make more sense, but I will definitely think on that.
Haha I'm wrestling with James the character right now! I will definitely make him lighten up a bit later in the story.
Thank you so much for your input on my story! And the good rating! I'm so happy right now :D I will definitely stop by when I've updated (which might be pretty soon, who knows? (; )
~foundriapenguin Report Review
Hey, Akabara here from the forums with the first of two requested reviews. Terrible sorry it has taken so long, but I've been really busy.
Now, you didn't give me any criteria to use for this review, so I shall go with the flow and talk about whatever.
Now, I quite like your start. It introduces us to Alice, but I'd like to point out that Alice and Albus don't really rhyme. Is that just Alice's wishful thinking or something? Also, when you say "initials", what I think of is the full name. So Albus would be "ASP" (Albus Severus Potter). You might want to say "first initial" to clear that up.
xD Mink. Haha sorry, I like anything even remotely pertaining to ferrets/ermines.
Sprite is awesome. I love the whole "soda can" idea. It really hits home. Great job with making your main character so realistic.
WOW. That's harsh. Would all of Hogwarts really turn their back on her? I mean, I'm a loner, but loners have other loner friends, don't they? I guess they just really hate her. ^_^' Though it seems that someone (a certain Albus Potter) is reaching out to Ms. Sprite. xD Haha poor ignorant Albus.
HAHA Alby Potter. I cracked up there.
Also, WOW. I've read James as a jerk, but this by far is the worst I've ever read him. You might want to tone it down a tiny bit so he seems human. I like how you made a Potter the baddie, though. He's like a meaner version of James... Is that what you were going for?
All in all, I think that you have a great story idea here. 8/10.
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Ohhh thank you for pointing out the initial thing! And as for the rhyming, yes, it is her wishful thinking (:
Well, yes, Hogwarts is harsh. I think people tend to shy away from alien things, and Alice is the epitome of weird at her school, so people avoid her. Also there is the plus of fear that James Potter will find out that they've been associating with Alice. He could beat them up or something O:
I've been a little concerned as to whether James was a bit too harsh as well, but I concluded that maybe he could lighten up later in the story. The terrible thing is, though, is that in real life people are this mean and cruel. I'd like to get that across, you know what I mean?
Thank you so much for your review! :D I really appreciate it!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
YES! Haha sorry I've been waiting for this.
First thing, I spotted a few grammar issues:
"James looked horrorstruck, betrayed and then despairing, in that order." I think that there should be a comma in front of "and then."
Also, "He was good at maths..." I'm pretty sure you meant "math," right?
Then, '(“…Do you think I’ve upset him?” James said.' and “So why’s Teddy’s still mad at me? Slytherins are evil, right?”)
Then there's "He examined the crowd again and was about to give up on finding the Slytherins at all when a huge colour-changing VICTOIRE banner caught his eye, and, right above that a fairly distinctive platinum-blond head." This sentence confused me; I'm not quite sure if you're saying that Scorpius' head was above the banner, or the banner was above Scorpius' head. I apologize if that's just me being ignorant.
Now on to the spectacular-ness of this chapter.
I love how you incorporate elements that we know; Teddy and Scorpius being related, Bellatrix and Molly, Rita Skeeter, and the Whomping Willow. Everything is just so well thought out, like Scorpius' reaction to Teddy telling him that they were related. Andromeda was, for lack of a better word (sorry, late night last night lol), banished from the Black family for marrying Ted Tonks.
As always, this was side-splitting. (the humor) Slytherins are way too funny XD. I also liked how this chapter was Teddy-centric and not all about Al. He is the main character (as I see it any way), but it's nice to get a break from him. Then he came back at the end and we found out what he was up too. Aw man, he missed Victoire's epicness.
I almost understood that French; I got the general suggestion of an alliance. This is only because it was spelled similarly. Thanks for having the characters explain it, though.
Perhaps the reason this review is so long is that I opened a review thread and am now used to giving in-depth reviews... Sorry lol.
Leave it to Avery to be reading a book at the Triwizard tournament. What book was it, I wonder? If it were good enough, I probably would have done the same thing...
Haha Scorpius was surprised by Teddy's change. I love the visual I get from that.
I think you handled the change in POV very well. Teddy didn't know who they were, but we sure did. And he called Lia by her last name... (right?)
I really need to start typing reviews as I read, because by the time I'm finished, I've forgotten half the stuff I wanted to say.
Well, I'm finally done this ridiculously long review. Great job (as always). I shall be stalking the story until the next chapter is up. >:D
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: I know! Argh, I'm terrible.
You're right about the comma, and needing to clarify the location of Score's head. The brackets should probably be asterisks, as well, so I'll change all that at some point in the near future.
I do definitely mean 'maths', though. Do you only call it 'math' in America? Are you only allowed to learn one mathematic? See, over here WE get to learn all the mathematics we want (which in my case is none.)
Thank you very much.
"Yes, Andromeda died. Very tragic. Now we will never speak of it again."
"...that's strange. I saw her yesterday in the Leaky Cauldron."
"I said NOW WE WILL NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN."
It's okay. Al's Victoire's cousin, he already knows how epic she is.
Glad you like the alternative POVs. Personally I love them :D I like writing different characters and trying to reflect the differences in their personality through the writing, though I'm not sure I always do it right :)
I don't mind long reviews. Seriously, you can make the next one even longer if you like. I will bravely endure.
Twilight? Okay, not really. Probably something very advanced and incomprehensible about the influence of Polynesian apotropaic rituals on the development of someoneorother's hypotheses on defensive magic and lots of other words with more syllables than a thing with a whole bunch of syllables. Avery seems to think that's interesting, though.
Yay! Yeah, that was Lia.
*looks around suspiciously for people lurking in the bushes with binoculars*
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Here's your final review! Also, I apologize for the last review in which there were a few odd symbols. This is because I typed it on Word and then pasted it in to the review box. You saw the disastrous results...
Well, first there are a few grammar things... I apologize for focusing so much on it, but I just can't help it! -_-
'indicating an unattractive boy with bushy eyebrows, and shaggy brown hair.' - There shouldn't be a comma in front of the and.
'included double Defense Against the Dark Arts, History of Magic, Charms and Astronomy.' This is a list, so there should be a comma before the 'and Astronomy.'
That's all I found, though, so on to more topics of interest.
Now, I'll be just giving random opinions in this review...
I thought that you portrayed McGonagall very well; her crisp, no-tolerance nature and her proper speech. Good job.
Also, I thought that Andromeda's innocent ignorance was done very well. She seemed very much the child not knowing any better. Ted's reaction was done well too. I can only imagine what he was told...
But oh no! What a horrible way to meet each other. I'm quite interested to see how this terrible situation turns in to them getting married... Are you writing it that far?
Oh, wait. I forgot to mention something in my grammar rant. In your summary, you say 'the first Mudblood she has every met...' Just take out that accidental 'y' and you'll be fine!
Well, there isn't much more for me to say, so I just want to inform you that you have a great story on your hands! I'll definitely keep with this story.
Overall, I'll say that this story is an 8.5/10. You've done a great job with canon characterization and creating very interesting and dynamic characters.
Good luck in your writing!
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Thanks again for your review! I apologize for the long delay in responding!
Once again, I will be making those corrections when I revise.
I'm glad you are enjoying the story! I'm still undecided about how far I will be taking the story, but I will definitely be taking it at least through their marriage, and possibly through the birth of Nymphadora...
~LJ Report Review
Here's your third review!
First thing is a few small mistakes: 'When it was time to leave, the three of us stood in a small circle, almost a huddle, while Bella and I assured Cissy that we would each write everyday.' You need to put a space between 'every' and 'day.'
Then: 'Standing with his arms crossed in front of the window, was Adrian Higgs, a sixth year, and next to him was his girlfriend, Tracey Rosier, one of our cousins on our Mother's side.' You don't need a comma before the 'was.'
And: '"You do have some ambition and, but I do not see you fitting well into Slytherin," the voice responded.' And what? You can either add another word or omit the 'and.'
There's also this: 'Look, I need to be in Slytherin, my parents and sister would never forgive me if I wasn’t.' You might want to put a semicolon before 'my,' not a comma.
Another one is: 'I looked around for Bella, however she was nowhere to be found, and so I let a soft sigh from my lips.' You might want to change this to 'I looked around for Bella, but she was nowhere to be found, so I let a soft sigh escape from my lips."
Then: '“Be in the common room by 7:00 sharp tomorrow morning, if you would like guidance on finding your way to the Great Hall.' There is no need for the comma in front of the 'if.’
I apologize for all that, but I really focus on grammar in the stories I review. Good grammar is a must for me to fully enjoy a story.
Now on to other things.
One thing that I didn't like about this chapter was the lack of detail. You glossed over the trip to Hogwarts and the Sorting for whatever reason. You might want to go into greater detail with those, perhaps including the boat ride- such as who was in her boat-, the school song, and maybe even the dreaded Sorting Hat's song. They're hard to come up with, but I think writing a song for the Hat to sing really adds to a story's quality.
Again you astound me with canon. The people in the compartment with Bella, Bella's liking of Rodolphus, and the other names called out to be Sorted. You have done a very, very good job of keeping this safely in canon, while still having fun with what I believe are OC's. I don't know a lot about this era, though, so I apologize if I'm wrong about some of those people being OC's.
The story still flows well, and the characterizations were in order.
I loved this line: '"Well, who else hates awkward silences?”' Since there hasn't really been any humor in the story, that line was a breath of fresh air to me. This story is just so gosh darn serious! I am still enjoying it, though, don't worry.
This chapter gets a 7/10.
On to your fourth and final review.
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Thanks for your review! I apologize once again for the long delay in my response.
I will definitely make the corrections you suggest when I revise next.
I will also try to put some more detail into the chapter - possibly even writing a song for the Sorting Hat if I can!
~LJ Report Review
Akabara here with your second review.
Now, there are a few things I wanted to point out. First, this sentence: 'He woke us up with desperate cries of, "Miss Bellatrix, Miss Andromeda, Miss Narcissa."' If he's crying their names out, wouldn't there be an explanation point?
And then, last chapter you said: 'The three of us were mainly raised and cared for by the family house-elves, Tillie and Girvan, although we were never allowed to call them by their names, only "elf"' This chapter, you said: '"What is it, Elf?" I said grumpily.' I'm not quite sure if you meant to do that, like Andromeda was saying that they should call the elves 'elf', and then capitalizing it when she used it as a proper noun as the elf's name. I apologize if I am wrong about this, but I just noticed it and decided to point it out.
Lastly, I was wondering about the repetition of the word 'amazing' in this part: 'Diagon Alley was even more amazing than I had imagined it. It was amazing to be in such a bustling area, where all the other students were preparing for school as well.' You might want to change one of the 'amazing''s to wondrous, spectacular, breathtaking, or some other expression of that nature.
Now I'm finally on to what you asked me to focus on!
Flow: This story seems to flow quite well, giving sufficient information about what is happening without taking a long time. You skip around to many different events, which might bother some people, but I find it works for your story.
Characterization: As I mentioned in my last review, I think that your characterizations are very well done. You, as I see it, are perfectly in canon with this story.
Three things I loved:
Sirius 'taking a real liking' to Andromeda. Sirius' liking of Andromeda was mentioned in the books- I believe he said that she was his favorite cousin-, so I commend you on that connection.
Also, I greatly enjoyed this line: 'Basically, they would marry us into the richest and purest family-it was a bonus if we were related.' I believe that it was mentioned in the books- by Sirius? - that pureblood families often intermarried because of lack of pureblood families. I also thought that line to be a little humorous, though I do not know if you intended it to be that way.
Lastly, Bellatrix's strange actions were foreshadowing her eventual change in to a Death Eater. I noticed that once again you had Andromeda look back on things, saying that she would later find out that Bellatrix had taken an interest in the Dark Arts.
Are the characters and story believable?: Yes, very. They are all in canon and fit into the Black family well. Andromeda's parents are very proper and have brought their daughters up to be the same; no crying, be polite, etc. It's exactly how I imagined Black life would be. It's why Sirius couldn't stand living with his family. Good job there.
Well, that's pretty much all I have to say for this chapter. I just want to add that I quite like your writing style.
On to the next chapter!Author's Response: Again, thank you very much! I really appreciate the time that you took to review my story and apologize for untimely response...
Once again, thank you for pointing out the few grammatical issues! I enjoy your commentary and am really glad that you seem to like my writing style and what I have written so far.
Thank you :)
~LJ Report Review
Akabara from the forums here for number one of the four reviews you requested! Sorry this took me so long, but I got sick and was bedridden, and then my internet stopped working... However, I'm here now to review your wonderful story.
First thing: In your story summary I think that the sentence 'This is a coming of age story about a Pureblood, who wasn't concerned with a person's blood status' doesn't need to have that comma before the 'who'. That's just me, though, so feel free to ignore that.
Also, there's this sentence from the second paragraph of your story: 'It was a cold winter evening, but beautiful nonetheless or so my mother once said.' I think that there should be a comma before 'or.' As I said before, feel free to disregard this comment.
I want to just give you my overall impression of the story in this review, and then move on to what you requested I focus on in my later reviews.
I think that this was a very well done introductory chapter, with Andromeda giving a summary of her upbringing and family.
Andromeda's upbringing is a very proper Black one, though, as she tells us, she will eventually forsake their values. That line sets the story up for the reader.
She is a very likeable character, levelheaded and caring, which seems to follow how we know she turns out as an adult. Good job there with the characterization.
Her family is also very interesting. Andromeda's relationship with her sisters is very normal and easy to relate to for anyone with siblings who they love very much. However, there doesn't seem to be any sibling rivalry, which I suppose is a result of their strict upbringing?
Bellatrix's and Narcissa's personalities are also well done; they reflect their adult selves, though one can see how they changed a little. Bellatrix's temper turned into *ahem* derangement, and Narcissa's allowance of people taking care of her turned into her being meek behind her husband. This is random, but you said that Narcissa could be a little narcissistic. Did you notice that her name was very similar to that word? Or was it a coincidence?
I liked how very much in canon this was, with the mention of Sirius and his family and events going on in the world. Also, I liked the mention of Andromeda's parents' views on Dumbledore and Slughorn.
I think that you write very believably. You have done a great job with an era that we don't know too much about.
So far this seems to be a very good story, and I'm quite interested to see how Andromeda changes as a person, and especially how her loving relationship with her sisters disappears.
I'll give this chapter a 9/10.
On to the next chapter, in which, as I said, I will focus on what you requested.
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Thank you so very much for your wonderful review. I am so sorry that I have not responded prior to this!
Thank you for your suggestions on punctuation, I will make those changes!
As for Narcissa & the narcissism, this is something I thought of the first time she appeared in the books..I really think that JK named her that way for a reason...
Again, thank you for your review!!
~LJ Report Review
Here's your last review!
Again, no glaring spelling errors, which is always nice. :)
WHOA! Ron had a serious fit over Rose and Scorpius dating. I suppose I can understand; he does tend to overreact, and Rose is his only daughter. The other characters reactions seemed canon as well. Harry and Ginny love Rose, but Ron is their old friend, and there is some bad blood between their families and the Malfoys. (aw, who am I kidding? they hated each other in school lol)
I think that the changing POV was confusing, but I don't think you can change it. I did, however, like seeing things through Scorpius’ eyes.
Astoria... Were you nervous at all about writing her? I'm only asking because she doesn't really have an obvious personality. Either she's a really reserved person, or you didn't go too deep into her character. She obviously loves her son and husband, but that's pretty much all I could distinguish. I really hope I'm not insulting you. Please don't take it as an insult, it's just my opinion. It's hard to write characters we know almost nothing about.
WOW. Draco was very angry too, but he, of course, kept his temper under control. So cold, Draco, so cold.
Just a suggestion: you might want to mention Ron's face getting red while he's yelling at Rose. That's just me, though. You really did do a good job with this, and there wasn't much to change.
Well, this is it for your reviews. My final score is an 8.5/10. You have a good grasp of characters' feelings and how they act and react. I wish you the best of luck in your writing!
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: 'Ello!
I'm glad you liked everyone's reactions -- I hoped that I could capture's Ron's craziness/overreacting correctly, and I'm glad you thought Draco was cold. He's really disappointed with his son right now. I wasn't exactly nervous about writing Astoria, but I wasn't quite sure how to go about it, either -- I'm not surprised that's the impression you got. (Don't worry, I'm not insulted. I'm glad you pointed it out.) She is reserved as of right now in the story, and Scorpius' announcement sort of threw her for a loop. I kind of wanted to parallel her to Narcissa; indifferent was the first impression I got reading her, so it was almost intentional with Astoria.
The POVs are indeed confusing. >.< I've been trying to think of ways to fix that lately, but I'm honestly drawing a blank. They needed to be together like that for this chapter, but this is definitely one of the only chapters that's going to be trading off POVs. Though I'll be switching them around, it'll be one person, one chapter from here on out.
Thanks for the suggestion about the facial expressions -- I might just go back and add some!
And thank you so much for taking the time to write out three amazing reviews! I'll be sure to rerequest once I get another chapter up. :) Report Review
Akabara here with your second review.
I didn't spot any obvious grammar mistakes, just so you know.
Now, on to your story. It flows very well now that the coagulation of flashbacks is over.
I'm sad that Al feels so angsty, but it is very realistic. He's realized that his whole life has been him trying to please everyone but himself. Lily consoling him and their close relationship was a nice touch. However, again with the Rose/Scorpius thing. Do they just snog all the time? Sorry, but I just can't seem to imagine that. I do, however, think that their decision to tell their parents was also very realistic; teenagers do that all the time. The Teddy/Victoire thing was good as well.
Other than the little Rose/Scorpius thing, you seem to be keeping very canon with your characters. However, why did Teddy ask for Rose and Al's permission to announce his engagement? Also, weren't all of the time-turners in the Ministry destroyed during one of Harry, Ron, and Hermione's visits? They could have made more, I suppose. Or Ron was just blubbering so much he didn't remember...lol. But like I was saying, everything seems to be in order with characters being canon.
Mr. Weasley was hilarious, giving them diplomas and calling them diplomats. Ah, good Weasley fun...
Laria and Al... They seem to be a little more than friends, but I might be seeing something that isn't there. Just a thought, though.
You mention in the end about Al's boy-ness, and I think yes, he did sound like a boy. I don't think that there was much you could do to make him sound like a girl...
Well, I don't think that there's really anything else to say for this chapter but well done. On to the next and final chapter I'll be reviewing.
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: I just wrote out a response, but it got deleted. >.<
Anyway, hi again!
I totally see what you mean about Rose and Scorpius snogging the way they did. I think I originally wrote it that way because I needed an excuse to get Al and Lily out of the compartment and onto the balcony. But now that you mention it, I don't like it either -- I'll go back and change it up somehow.
Teddy asked permission to announce the engagement because he didn't want to butt into Al's and Rose's graduation party. Any, yup, there are no more time-turners as of right now. Ron was being a blubbering idiot.
Laria and Al do have chemistry, don't they? *does mysterious crazy dance*
Again, thanks for the review! They've been super helpful so far. Report Review
Okay, Akabara here with your review.
First thing, I'll give you my overall impression, and then get to the things that you mentioned that you wanted me to focus on.
I think that this was a great first chapter, all though it is a bit long. I freaked a little when I saw that this was 8,000 something words. Perhaps you should try making this into two chapters? But that's just me.
Okay, there were two things that I found: You used though instead of thought when the Hat was asking Al about Slytherin. And also, when the Hat was talking to Al, you said 'You are very ambitious, a seem to have a strong drive to get things done.' I think you meant: ...and you seem to...
Only those two mistakes jumped out at me, and they were minor. Other than that, this was a very grammatically sound story.
Now, on to what you asked me to do:
Is this believable so far?: Yes, quite. I think that Al desperately wanting to be in Gryffindor despite his dad's reassurance is very plausible. He wants to be in the same house as James, his parents, and practically all the rest of his family. Also, I think that Dumbledore attempting to have Snape witness Al's Sorting was very well done, not to mention it had me laughing. I'm a Snape fan, so I also enjoyed Al's little chats with Snape. The canon characters are done believably, but there's one thing I wanted to mention. Rose and Scorpius. Maybe Rose shouldn't just randomly like Scorpius? I know that there's the whole 'love at first sight' thing, but I think it was a little unrealistic for Rose to automatically have a crush on Scorpius, especially after her father warned her about him. However, the school song was a wonderful touch that added realism to the story. The Sorting Hat's song was also well done. I think that's all I wanted to comment on for this part, but this is such a long chapter that I feel I'm missing something! Oh, well. Moving on.
Is the characterization (particularly of the characters with an already-established character, i.e. Harry, Draco) spot-on?: Again, yes. There wasn't any Draco in this chapter, but I think Harry was dead on. He's kind and understanding, as he was shown to be in the epilogue of DH. Rose seemed to be in order, what with her Hermoine-ness. Al was hard-working, showing that he was indeed Harry's son, and your other canon characters, such as Victoire, Teddy, and James, was good. Okay, I just wanted to say that I loved James' teasing. One of my favorite lines out of this chapter: "You know, Vicky, a cuddly-wuddly Teddy bear! What does he look like? Does he have TURQUOISE HAIR?" Did you mean that to rhyme? Because that just made it even more hilarious. And then there's Victoire's response, in a French accent, no less. Great job!
How do you think my female OC (Laria) is coming along?: Very well, I'd say. I might be biased, though. I absolutely adore characters that are somewhat canon but still OC's. I myself have a few such characters in my Next Gen. novel. Laria is very much a Hufflepuff, and a very good friend to Al. I quite like her. :]
Is there enough description - is the description random at times?: So far your description is good, and I don't think any of it is random. In fact you might want to add in a little description about how the characters look to help the reader visualize.
Now, I think that pretty much covers what you wanted. I'll be sure to add even more in your next review.
On to the next chapter!!
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Thank you for the incredibly awesome review!!
It is long. :/ I was considering omitting a flashback or two, seeing the ways I could cut down, but I never thought of splitting it into two chapters. I'm definitely going to put some thought into that -- thanks for the suggestion!
Ugh, those typos. They'll be fixed when I edit this chapter.
Now that you point it out, I see what you're saying about Rose liking Scorpius right off the bat...though, when I was writing it, I saw it more as an "OMG-HE'S-SUCH-A-HOTTIE!!!" moment that eventually became something more, rather than love at first sight. I also wanted to begin to illustrate differences between her and her mother, as I doubt Hermione would react that way to a guy right off the bat. I'll be sure to look it over again, though.
I was freaking out about the school song when I realized that I was going to inevitably have to write the Sorting. I didn't want to skip over it, but it took me a while to figure one out. I'm so glad you liked it!
Oh! I didn't even realized James' little taunt rhymed until you just pointed it out! Hehe.
Aw, I'm glad you like Laria. I cringed at the thought of having to make an OC from scratch, so I improvised on canon. Glad you like it that way!
Thanks again for the great review!
Thanks so much for being a participant in my challenge!
This was a really powerful piece of writing and I cannot tell you how proud I am to have it written for my challenge.
There was one thing though: "not by far as vulgar" you might want to say "by far not as vulgar." Just a little thing.
On to the story: I think your characterization of Peter was well done. He is obviously a very complex character, and you captured that aspect of him very well.
Also, this was a very creative way to have Peter kill Remus. The AU is obvious, what with Kingsley dying and OMG SIRIUS STILL ALIVE!! (sorry, Sirius is one of my favorite characters (tied with Remus, actually))
I'm interested to see where this goes. Will Sirius kill Peter? Or will he let his old friend go, even though Peter has now killed both James and Remus? I really hope the next chapter is up soon!
This was a really great piece of writing, filled with just enough detail and no noticible grammar mistakes. (well, I didn't notice any)
Thanks for participating in my challenge and I can't wait for more!
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Thanks for making the challenge! I must admit, I'm grateful -- after seeing what some other participants got as 'dispelled rumors', I think mine was relatively easy. ;)
Hmm, you're right about the wording -- there are a couple of other things I noticed myself, reading it over once it was validated, and I think I'll make a little edit soon.
Oh, I'm so glad you thought Peter's characterization was good. I was insanely intimidated about writing him -- for me, he seems like one of the hardest characters to write. But it was so, so, so much fun, because I really tried to get into his head.
YES! Sirius is alive! Lol. I mean, the story was obviously going to have to be AU, because by the time Remus died (and we did already find out Dolohov was the one who killed him at The Battle of Hogwarts), Peter was already dead, so might as well have Sirius there! In all seriousness, though, I really wanted Sirius to get revenge on everything Peter had done to him. I kind of envision this OotP time, though.
It is to be implied that Peter was killed, and didn't have time to process exactly what Sirius was doing before the curse was completed, and unfortunately, this is a oneshot.
:( I never really considered it for more, and I don't think I can push it further.
Thanks so much for the review, and again for the challenge! Report Review
Oh wow the second chapter is up already!
This was wonderful; I love your writing style. The characters are done beautifully. Also, your writing is pleasently error-free (at least as far as I can see).
It's so great to read writing that flows this well!
I also just wanted to say that I really like Nicolas' character. He's old, but still mischievous. I can tell that him being a teacher is going to be interesting to read about.
I also liked Riddle's reaction to Nicolas' arrival, as well as the fact that Dumbledore was watching him.
The suspense is killing me; I can't wait for more!
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Yes, queue time is blessedly short lately! I am so glad you like the characters! I havent really written any of them before, so I am glad they are working out! *celebrates*
Yes, Nicolas is an interesting feller :D We didnt get much of a picture of him in canon, and I couldnt picture him as just being a placid soul.
I am so glad you like it so far!!! I will try to get the next up ASAP! thanks!
~~Chelsea Report Review
Thanks so much for participating in my challenge.
Okay, one thing at the beginning, you said: "This story was written by Akabara's Dispelled Romour Challenge!" I think you meant to say "This story was written for Akabara's Dispelled Rumor Challenge!" Just a tip. :3
Okay, now on to your wondrous beginning! I LOVED the interaction between Dumbledore and Nicolas. They had a very nice dynamic that I think was very canon and enjoyable.
This was a great introduction and it foreshadows a lot, especially because we all know what happened to the young Tom Riddle.
I can't wait to read the rest of the story!
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Okay wow, was I asleep when I submitted it? lol That's embarassing *dies*
ANYWAYS, xD I am glad you liked it, even though it was short. Yes, foreshadowing is a forerunner here.
This has been really fun to write so far, and I cant wait to see what you think as it progresses!
~~Chelsea Report Review
I thought this was really well-written, just heart-wrenching enough to be perfect. I love how you wrote the characters that we haven't really seen before: Tobias and Eileen, and the character we know: Snape. His actions were chilling, but very canon.
One thing I don't get, though. I may just be ignorant, but could you explain the summary? It doesn't seem to go with the story...
Loved it. 10/10 for sure.
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed Eileen and Tobias. I've written them a few times and they have fast become my favorite characters. I have to say that Severus Snape was a difficult character to master, but I just wrote to the best of my abilities. The summary? It's a line out of the story - it is also loosely tied to the poison because that was part of the challenge.
Thank you for the great review! Report Review
Lia and Grim just crack me up. My brother kept coming into my room and asking me what I was doing. Apparently my laughter hinders his reading...
Scorpius let his emotions show! My gosh things are getting serious, aren't they...
One thing: "Why's she all over blood?" I was kind of confused by that...
I see you've reached over 100 reviews. Congratulations! (a.k.a. haha you had to respond to all those >:3)
Harry's howler was hilarious. The whole thing with the "will not be happy" was funny. I wonder what he was going to say... I also wonder why Ginny didn't partake in the James-yelling-at(?)...
Well, I shall await more! *raises fist in exclamation but hits cabinet* Ow.
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: AKABARA! *glomp* Thank you for reviewing!
Terribly serious. I expect someone'll die in the next chapter. Probably McGonagall, she's quite old.
Grim's asking why Faith's covered in blood? It might be just a British phrase, or just a me phrase ): (And I guess he could have asked her directly, but then he might not have gotten a sensible answer.)
And then you gave me another review to respond to. You're a terrible person >:(
(nooo I was joking I love you really.)
"OR YOU CAN ROT IN AZKABAN!", possibly. And, um..Ginny was at work. At the Daily Prophet. Where she doesn't read the paper. ...wait that doesn't make sense. Okay, I actually have no idea how to write Ginny so I usually just assume that she's asleep in a shed somewhere and therefore can't have anything to do with the plot.
Oh no! *hands over plaster* Report Review
I decided to review this for no apparent reason.
First thing first: this is great. I love it so far, but there is one little thing that bothers me: grammar. I really like this, and if you wanted a beta who loves to help with grammar and such *ahem* PM me on the forums. (aka please I really want to beta this its really cool and I want to help make it better so that everyone will like it more)
*AHEM* rant over.
I LOVE Elina; she's really fun. I have a thing for freinds like this; when their personalities go together really well. Great job with those.
You're really setting yourself up for a very interesting story. I can't wait to see where this ends up going. (the title is really intriguing!)
Please contact me if you want a beta!
Also, I'll stalk this story and review it whenever it's updated. Yay.
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Thankyou! You are amazing. Going to PM you right away. :-) Report Review
Yesss I finally have something to read!
First up, there were a few little grammar errors that I wanted to point out.
1.) '"I don;t know who Avery is," their dad said.' I think you can see that one ;3.
2.) 'said tinnily to the house-elf' I don't know if you meant to say tinnily or not, but I don't think it's a word. Sorry if I'm wrong!
3.) 'Did Dad know how bad Al was making him look, even.' You might want to say "Did Dad even know how bad Al was making him look?" Either that or add on a ? after the word even.
NOW on to the awesomeness.
I LOVED the whole James PoV thing. It was really great to see things through his eyes. He seems kind of delusional, though, what with the "OMG the Malfoys talked they are so EVIL!!!"
I enjoyed this.
Also, the whole seeing Al through James' eyes was very interesting, like Al looking *ahem* not too bright. The beginning of this had me cracking up. Nemesis... *wipes tears of laughter* That always gets me...
Poor Scorpius. He handled that well, though. You know, considering his anorexic lack of visible personality. :P
NOOO JAMES DISSED AVERY. *ahem* My short caps rant is now over. Carry on.
Harry is so funny, interjecting his wisdom into conversations. "I don't know who Avery is." "He's our king." That was priceless.
James is starting to seem a lot like Harry (and Al, actually). What is with the Potters and being obsessed with the Malfoys? Is it some strange genetic defect or something?
I loved this whole chapter and man this was a long review sorry.
P.S. Neville!! XD
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: 1) Yup, think I've spotted it.
2) That's definitely a word. Adverb form of tinny, I checked with the dictionary. Maybe it's a British thing.
3) Yeah, that's a mistake. Ooops.
Glad the James POV went over well :) He is kind of delusional, isn't he? That's on purpose, but I guess I might have taken it too far. *shrug*
Yay! But...Score still has no visible personality? *wibble* I thought I was getting better at that... Oh well, I'll do better next chapter.
Malfoy-stalking is the unique coming-of-age ritual of the Potter tribe, studied by wizarding anthropologists for generations.
I like long reviews! Thanks for taking the time *glomp*
P.S. Yesss. :D
Yay. More stuffs (yes stuffs) to read! Oh, wonder of all wonders!
Oooh, the whole thing with Victoire and Teddy was exciting. The return of Fluffy!
There were a few grammatical errors, but I can't find them now! Wah, I really need to type these reviews WHILE I'm reading this, not after. Oh, well, it was still great. :D
Oh, Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry.
Al finally decided to come out with it. The whole "surveillance" thing was kind of creepy, though. It sounds like Al is stalking Scorpius... Kind of like Harry stalking Malfoy in HBP...
The whole family together... I love how you bring back old characters; it's really fun.
There was a hollow absence of Slytherin-ness, but a great chapter all the same, filled with tons of Weasley, Potter, and Granger-Weasley awesomness, along with more Rose... *ahem* being Rose. :P
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Stuff, stuffs. Makes sense. Like sheep and sheeps.
Yay! That's exactly what I was going for.
Don't worry about the grammar, I'll comb through it later.
Ah. Hmmm. Note to self: Make Al less creepy. Cut that scene next chapter where he goes to Score's house and stands outside with his face pressed against the drawing-room window watching Score unwrap his Christmas presents and making notes. (in all seriousness, creepiness is worrying. Thanks for telling me!) I guess I can pretend it's an intentional callback to HBP for now.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Oh, the suckiness of Rose...
I forgot to mention it earlier (sorry!), but I LOVED what I believe is a Queen Don't Stop Me Now reference.
I really love how you use characters like Rita Skeeter and fit them into the plot. It's quite enjoyable.
Avery still kicks butt; just one look and he sends Rose off with her tail between her legs (figuritively, of course, though it would be cool if she had a tail... possible spell that Faith could use on her later lol?)
About the James' head thing, OMG on fire!? That would have been... *unable to think of fire related pun* yeah...
Still loving the whole Slytherin thing, by the way. I find myself quite enjoying the interactions of the various characters, especially Grimalkin and Lia. They rock as Avery's minions...
Well, I will wait for more, and then enjoy the goodness.
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Yup, I love Queen. :)
Having weird mental images now.
>About the James' head thing, OMG on fire!? That would have been... *unable to think of fire related pun* yeah...
"Ha ha! Now you're on fire! BURN!"
"ARGH TOO ON FIRE TO REPLY OW OW OW!"
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Yay, I finished reading. Phew!
How'd you come up with this stuff? There's so much detail that I can't question anything.
Teddy was funny, being all irresponsible and such.
One thing I want to ask about: "James and Fred had ended up in the Hospital Wing with James's and Fred unable to walk." This sentence was from a previous chapter (sorry) and I think it should be "with James and Fred unable to walk." Sorry if I'm wrong...
I will be waiting for the next chapter... *no, I'm not a stalker*
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: I think originally I meant it to be 'James and Fred unable to walk' and then I was going to change it to something else for James, like 'his head on fire' and got distracted. I'll edit that. Thanks for pointing it out!
Next chapter should be up later today. Depends on how hard the backlog explodes. Report Review
They jumped out the window... O_o
So far, this is really cool. I really like it, and I'm surprised that you only have around 60 reviews for it. (however, there are lots of favorites, so...)
Your characters are really fun, and I seriously laughed at this. (maybe that's just me being easily amused, but who cares?)
Lol sorry all I say is just that I like this story, but... Eh, I can't think of anything else, so I'll just keep reading...
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Yup. Whee, splat. Well, not so much splat 'cuz they were only on the first floor, so maybe more like whee thud ow.
This is a below-average number of reviews? Oh, well.
Well, I'm glad you like it. Report Review
James is still angry at Al in caps...
Wow, Rose is kinda... suckish. I hope she gets better and stops being such a... ummm *thinks*... bad person?
Prof. Hunt stole Kitty's pen-thingy! Meanie!
I can't believe that Neville actually let the students throw rocks at the Whomping Willow! I would so want to be in that class...
Well, onwards I shall go...! *echoing affect*
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: Capslock!Rage is hereditary, I guess. :)
Well, then you'll probably be very sad that the title of the chapter in the queue right now is 'Rosie Continues to Suck'. :/ I guess I wanted to do the opposite of the Scorpius-Al-Rosie new trio thing, and having a friendly cousin in another house would have made Al's life too easy.
Glad you liked Neville's lesson! Originally he was just teaching them to repot Dirigible Plums, but a reviewer pointed out all his character development so I had to switch it to something cooler. Report Review
The Sorting Hat's song was really good... It even rhymed! Huzzah!
That was a shocker, Al being Sorted, I mean. Didn't take long for the hat to decide at all... I am intrigued. The whole "shame" thing made me laugh, for a reason that may not be disclosed as it will bring many wraths upon me...
Lol is Scorpius anorexic or something?
I think Avery is awesome, though I don't really know why... Perhaps because he steepled his fingers?
On to the next chapter!
-AKABARAAuthor's Response: I think Malfoy men go off their food when they're nervous. And then develop consumption. And in severe cases they fall down and die. :(
Steepling fingers is like an on switch for awesome? ...Yeah, I'm gonna use that for evil.
Glad you liked it. Thanks for the review!
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