This is a very interesting scenario. I loved the characterization of Luna, she was wonderful. You really hit her spot on.
Since we don't know a whole lot about Cedric, you can really create a persona for him, which you started doing here. I think that you are on the right track, as he has to be nice obviously, and you can do as you wish from there. Since you just started I haven't seen a lot of the character yet to be a judge if he's in character. From what I see he is though.
I do want to mention that if you make this a Cedric/Luna piece she is 13 and he's 17. That might be an issue.Author's Response: Even though I write Luna a lot, I still find her very difficult to get right, so I'm really pleased that you thought she was ok. She's a wonderful character, but so hard to write.
As you say, there's not a lot known about Cedric, so I actually found it difficult to write him rather than easier as I thought, as I wasn't sure what readers thought about him. At least he's going ok in the first chapter! That has to be good lol.
I calculated the ages right then, that's good, I know he was mentioned as looking around 17, but I could never remember if he was a year or 2 years older than Harry. Thanks for mentioning it, now I know I have it right. Report Review
I wonder why you decided to re-write, first off, since I really liked it the way it was.
But I think that this was a really good first chapter, and I really like how you introduced the OC. You just threw us into a moment of her and Peter's life and I loved that. Introdutions are often akward, and you avoided that.
I hope that you will keep this going, and I'd love to keep looking it over.Author's Response: The other one didn't have much direction and I came up with a plot, but it required them to be childhood friends, which was impossible in the first version because I had already written the chapter about how they met haha. I'm glad that you liked this chapter and I'll definitely rerequest when the next chapter comes out! Report Review
Wow. What a scene you created in 500 words. I really enjoyed that, and I usually am not a harry/hermione person either. It's very believable, and I love that you fit it into the 7th book seamlessly. That's probably my favorite part about the whole thing. I thought that it was really well written, and was a very good scene.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
First thing I would note is that you should go into the edit story option and as AU as a genre, since in the real potterverse we are not lucky enough to have cedric live.
I think that this is a really good start! I love the idea of what would have happened if Cedric had lived through the scene at the graveyard. I can't wait to see how you throw Cedric/Hermione into the mix. Your writing is strong, and I think that you have a great way of giving the reader everything they need to know about a scene. Good work, and I hope I get to see some more soon!Author's Response: Took your advice and made this AU. I was planning to, but it must've slipped my mind. Thanks!
Glad you enjoyed the first chapter! I really wanted to throw the reader into Cedric's life, as opposed to going "Cedric lived, he liked this person, he wasn't sure about this..." Report Review
I am glad that you took on such a difficult issue. I think that it was well written. Male anorexia isn't often talked about, so I enjoyed that you used it in your story.
The pairing is lovely, I loved how you did it. It was very in character. I loved this one shot, and I think it is a beautiful piece. Good work.Author's Response: Thank you. I agree; Male anorexia is often talked about like it's something shameful, and i wanted to portray how soul-breaking and twisted an eating disorder can get, regardless of the gender of the person. I'm glad you thought they were in character, too. Thank you dear for leaving me such a sweet review.
Lovely_Slytheriness Report Review
This was a wonderfully done one shot. I really enjoyed it. As being someone who has lost many people they were close to, I totally understand. Someone who can barely know the person stands up there and just brushes the surface of who the person really was.
I usually am not a fan of Harry/Hermione, but I think that it worked well here. It was sweet and sincere, and I loved that.
Very good. Report Review
This story is working, even though it's a pairing that's basically impossible. I think it took guts to try this, so congratulations. I think the reason you are having trouble getting noticed is because your story is not something people generally search. Just because a Dramoine story can get 300+ reviews doesn't mean it's any good. Don't worry about it, and trust yourself.
The things I mentioned in an earlier chapter still apply, and I am still in love with this plot.Author's Response: Thanks for yout review! Report Review
This pairing is WONDERFUL. I love it. But I think there are a few things that would really make this story fantastic. You need to start putting in descriptions, your story runs on dialogue and reads like a play at times. There is a wonderful description workshop in the Writers resources on the forums. I know this because I faced the same problem. Your dialouge is great and this plot is very interesting, but I just want you to really get it to the best it can be.
Good work, and I can't wait to see how this all plays out with the torture and such.Author's Response: More descriptions? I can do that... I check out that workshop.
Thanks for your review! Report Review
Loving it. I can't wait to see what you have coming up next. Wonderful.
When I leave short reviews, it's a good thing. It means I don't know how to express myself.Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for the review! Report Review
I love this story! I am so glad that you requested a review. I love that you have brought the action to another generation, and have done so successfully. Your writing and grammar is wonderful, I have no complaints. I thought this was the last chapter, and then I saw that I have two more! Woo. Off I go.Author's Response: Happy to hear that you like it! Thank you for the review, and I hope you enjoy the next two chapters! XD Report Review
I love that you gave Dominque something that made her different. She's not prefect, and that's wonderful. I think that you have a wonderful start by having Scorpius in love with someone else. It happens, I read once that the average person falls in love seven times. Not all of us are lucky to find a soulmate in our first loves.
I am totally going to follow this story, I want to know how you are doing this.Author's Response: Yay! :) I'm glad you liked it! I was afraid the muteness might be a bit too much, but it's great to hear that you liked it! And Scorpius/Julietta will definitely be a big part of the story and more of that pairing will be coming in the future.
Thank you for the lovely review and the favorite!
- Celeste Report Review
This was a wonderful story! I really enjoyed that you gave us these four perspectives on the same event. It was well written and I could really see what you were going for. Wonderful work, really. I love that you gave us Peter's side, that was probably my favorite part. Moony and Sirius just made me sad, but of course it had to be that way. This was a great idea, and I am glad that you wrote this.Author's Response: Thanks AntigoneBlack! I'm so pleased that you took the time to check it out (even if I did ask you to). :)
Peter's was the first one I wrote, because doing that helped me to understand him a bit better, but then I was encouraged to expand it out and this was the result. I'm just completely chuffed that you appreciated it though, it means I must be doing something right!
-odyssey Report Review
Dude, first off I love slash. I will have to remember to add that when I make my next review thread... (And I call everybody dude)
I love the every word counts challenge, don't you? I think that you did beautifully! I like that you kept in descriptions, and adjectives when some people would let those be taken away to fit in the 500 words.
This slash was so subtle, and so beautiful, that I don't think anyone could take offense to it. It was just so natural. I loved it. I loved Dean in this scene as well. Very well done.Author's Response: Dude! I say dude a lot too! (I just try not to type it often ;p)
I love the challenge a lot too. I think it really challenged me. I was skeptical at first with how I've done. My response to the challenge felt so different than everyone elses, but I'm glad to hear you feel I did beautifully.
I smiled widely when you said it was too subtle and beautiful for anyone to take offense to it. What a wonderful compliment, as I know many don't care much for slash!
I appreciate your wonderful review!
-Axjion Report Review
This was a really good one shot! Congrats on that. I wanted to say a couple things.
This scenario is totally how I view Hermione. I can't seem to believe that she would marry Ron and live happily ever after when I have always felt that she didn't love him as much as he loved her. So that was wonderful.
This was very belivable, which is something I feel really is what makes a fic.
I would have never guess that this was your first one shot. It was lovely! One shots are great things to write, but that's my opinion. I think it gives a writer a chance to follow through on an idea completely, without room to abandon. Also for me, it lets off steam, and gives all my plot bunnies justice.
Good work!Author's Response: Thank you =)
Exactly! You and I share the same view on Hermione, apparently. I don't think she would live happily ever after with Ron either. Glad you thought it was wonderful :)
Yay! I'm very glad to hear that you found it belivable, that was what I was aiming for!
Aw, it was my first one-shot, and my first time writing in third person as well, which I found was so much easier than first person, haha :)
I completely agree with you on your opinion about one-shots, I've not written about 4 more, :)
This is a really good Dramoine! You have kept the characters real, and didn't make Draco into some weak, sad little boy. You kept him as the same Draco he was.
A couple things I wanted to note. It's not a good idea to use excessive puncuation. like What?!?!?!!??! should just be What?! it really cleans it up and keeps it from being too informal. The second was I think that you should mention in the summary that you are not including DH. It's just a good warning to have.
It's coming along really well.
Antigone.Author's Response: thank you for the lovely review!
i can't believe i was doing that...i mean the thing with excessive punctuation! it really isn't good. i'll fix it when i have time. :] Report Review
This is a really great start. I really want to keep reading, so post some more.
I think that the situation you presented here was very believable. I love the character Cedric as you have presented here. I think that it's wonderfully done. As a teenager, we all go through that time where we want to know who we truly are, and I like that you included that aspect into this story.
Really cute scene in the Library with the assumptions thing. It was adorable.
Good WorkAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'll update as soon as the queue is open again. Cedric is very interesting to me and I can't wait to keep writing more of him - it's fun to write him. Thank you so much! I'm glad you like it thus far ^_^ Report Review
Hello, I'm back, and I usually only leave a couple of reviews for a story, so I may move on to the next story, and come back to yours.
“Moony, where do you think Sirius would go when he’s upset," should be Moony, where do you think Sirius would go if he's upset, or Moony, where does Sirius goes when he's upset. It's a verb tense thing.
I think I am seeing why you are having issues with description, and it's an issue I face myself. You are letting the dialogue control the story, and letting it lead you. It's not a bad thing, but it leaves no room for anything else, like the descriptions. If you are like me, you know exactly what the graveyard looks like, so tell the reader what it looks like. Take a moment to write down what you know the scene looks like, smells like, and the atmosphere and how it makes the characters feel. That will really add to your story, and give the descriptions that your readers are asking for. Report Review
Hi, Antigone from the forums. I am working my way through this story, and I just wanted to note one thing before I move on.
I don't think that the Grimmuald place would be the headquarters at this time. From what we know, Regulus is still alive, so therefor he would own the house, since Sirius was disowned.
Okay I am going to keep reading. Report Review
Okay, this really has a lot of potential! Nice start, but there are a lot of things that need work to make it great.
The Summer after the 6th
1.Don't just state it, show it. "That was the day he and Hermione had sort of, maybe hooked up, of course nothing was official yet. It was still confusing around them. It was obvious they both had feelings for each other but neither knew how to confess them."
2. Tell the reader who is saying the lines, and the thoughts.
3. Add descriptions! They are your friends.
4. When you're doing the dialogue pay attention to the grammar rules. "said “sorry to…" should be changed to said, "Sorry to…"
5. There are a lot of grammar mistakes. Proof-reading is your friend.
6. You have an issue with just stating instead of creatively writing it. It's an issue that I faced too when I started writing. My suggestion is to read lots of fanfiction, especially the ones that have won Dobby's. The best writing comes from the best readers.
I want to wish you luck! Report Review
This fic is really starting to fill out.
You created a fic that without DH that is still believable. That is something that a lot of writers don't do. So good work there. The characters are really well done and very in character. That is something that I really enjoyed about this piece. The dialogue, especially with Harry and Ron is so perfect. I can really see those characters saying that.
Great work!Author's Response: Aw thank you so much dear! I'm thrilled everything is believable =D Report Review
Okay, Loved, Loved, Loved this piece. And yes, I purposely capitalized the 'L's because I am stressing that sound as I say it in my head.
Reasons I loved it:
1. No Romance
2. You dealt with inner conflict
3. Draco wasn't all "I am going to betray my family!"
4. Everyone was in character
5. You write good descriptions of the setting
Those are just a few reasons. This is usually the time I give my constructive stuff, but I can't. I have nothing to say.
Wonderful.Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a lovely review!! I'm so thrilled you thought so much of this one-shot!! I'm especially glad that you felt Draco was in character, that is very important to me!!
Thanks again for taking the time to review!! Report Review
Your writing style is very good, you have very few grammar mistakes here. Which is a relief for me. Well written.
I am going to be honest. I am confused. Really confused. You didn't state in your summary what parts of the books you are not following, so I don't really know where I am. Dumbledore is alive and the trio are at hogwarts for 7th year, which leaves me to believe this takes out those two. But to give your reader perspective you should either say where the story strays in the summary or at the start of the chapter.
I really liked that you had them in a purely physical relationship. It worked out really well, because you had a chance to throw in some emotions at a later time. I enjoyed that part.Author's Response: Thankyou for reading and reviewing :)
Yes you're right, my story disregards the last two books. I honestly didn't think about that at all, and I'm glad that you've picked this out and in the future I will be sure to state whether or not I'm following the plot of the books.
Thanks for your honesty! Report Review
I liked that you added a Longbottom child, because JKR didn't put any on that lovely tree for us. This story has really good potential. Seeing as this is only the prologue and stands with less than 1000 words, it leaves a lot of room for you to grow this story.
A couple thing that I noticed. James's prank was a little too childish for a teenager at 16. My brother is 16, and let me tell you, when he pranks, I'm in trouble. I am not trying to be mean, but if you are going to continue pranks with this character think a little bigger and use framing to get someone else in trouble.
Also some of the sentence structure was a little odd. The one that really stands out is the last sentence. "I said my good-byes and then with my Dad I went home." I think it would look and flow better if it was changed to: "I said my goodbyes, and then my dad and I headed home." Something of that nature.
It's a good plot idea, and you have some great characters starting, so I say Good-Luck!Author's Response: I know! She didn't mention a Longbottom child at all!!Thanks!! I hope I can develop a good story out of this!
I was afraid of that! I am no genius when it comes to pranks! And my brother is way too old to play pranks on me! I'll just ask my friends what they would do!
Ok! My grammar's not that great! I'll edit in where it seems odd!
Thanks for the review!! Report Review
Another wonderful chapter. Jammed with tons of philosophy and things to think about.
The fear of the unknown part, well I thought that it was brilliant. Wonderfully done. Oh, it hurts my heart that she didn't have the chance to know what Luna was going through. All parents have a need to protect their children, and she doesn't get any answers.
The part on the train station was great. My favorite part was the reunion between Ariana and Albus. I know that was something that he had been waiting for his entire life, and she was there with open arms. Lovely.
I can't wait to see what's in store. Great addition.Author's Response: i do love philosophy XD Eventually, she will find out what happens, but then again many of her questions will have answers in the end. If that makes sense.
I think it was something he had been waiting for - as proved in HBP, he carried that guilt with him his entire life and I think he needed to know she didnt blame him in order to move into the next life.
thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
This prologue is a good start. I like that you started with Hermione in love with Ron, because that is what we are given in the last part of DH. (I don't ever count the Epilouge, because it kills fanon...)
Some of your sentence structure was a little odd. If you don't have a beta for this piece, I recommend getting one. My beta is my lifesaver. Since we can't always have perfect grammar.
This is a solid start, and I hope you have luck in continuing this story. Report Review
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