Reading Reviews From Member: Jackson Robles
  
155 Reviews Found

Review #26, by Jackson RoblesThe Unbreakable Vow: Prologue: The Beginning of the End

26th April 2010:
What a prologue that was?! I mean, we get the ending (or what I'm presuming to actually be JUST before the end where everything either comes to a close - or dies) - and I say that in the parentheses because I'm talking about that last line (if that makes sense) - or hinting at that last line.

'So far, it looks like he's succeeded.' . Totally screams 'until this happened' you know? Or if not screams at least shouts, you know what I mean?

I also think your character names are way out there. Like, in the outliers area, but don't worry about me. Peyton as a girl's name? I'll buy that. Not sure how many people will fall in love with it, but it's different, I'll give you that. (And for the rest of this fic I will ALWAYS equate your main character with the quarterback from the Indianapolis Colts... :P)

The opening narrative was interesting as well. It was offbeat and comedic - this girl is bleeding out her stomach and the narrative really makes it seem as though she's kind of like 'oh... really? That's cool...' about the whole thing, which does achieve it's goal of being funny, most definitely.

It was strange. I'll give you that. Funny in a very offbeat way. And odd, with it's character names. It wasn't bad by any means, but we'll have to wait and see if I like it with the next chapter, eh?

Off to review it!

Jackson

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
Yeah, I thought starting with the end would be cool.
Haha "if not screams at least shouts." That's funny. But yeah, it is a pretty provocative line. So much could happen...
Oh nooo. XD Peyton would freak at being equated with Manning... But yeah, I wanted to go out there with names.
Offbeat indeed!
Thanks again!

-AKABARA


 Report Review

Review #27, by Jackson RoblesDudley's Tale: The Ministry Has Fallen

26th April 2010:
The Ministry's down! Whatever shall they do?! . They'll spend the night in the woods - that's what. I mean, really, they just have to be sure that their place wasn't compromised! And Dudley said Voldemort too! Was the taboo placed? Well, if not then, then definitely now (weird phrasing...)

Yeah, hullo Black. My seriously serious time at being playfully serious is seriously over and I no longer have any intention of being either fully playful or serious - but shall instead choose a amalgam of both properties and just hope for the best. And therefore! We now start the review. Or is it ergo? I think, if I had one iota of what I was talking about I'd know that it was 'ergo' - my bad there.

It's not horrible for not being edited. My first run throughs at writing have really O_O mistakes in them as well. I think mostly everyone makes most of these mistakes when writing one time through. Edits are ♥ - but I do understand your rush and... ahem, mistake, so it's all good.

Onto the content! *thinks* Well, we're looking at an important chapter. One keeping in time with Deathly Hallows - and one that I think hold quite a significant weight - I mean, they just left the Potter house! Are they going to go back? And Dudley's thinking of Hazel in a very teenage boy way - which is good I think, for the romance at least.

Oi - I'm glad Petunia had a little bit of sense in this chapter. Although it was callous and annoying, she at least was able to bring her husband down a couple steps and just when Vernon was finally told off about accepting the house! They have to leave.

Anyways, I'm interested and continue to enjoy the read.

Mr. Robles

Author's Response: Robles,

I know that you've already read the next few chapters and left me absolutely marvelously long reviews on each... So I plan to read all of them, make small comments on each, then compose a lengthy response in the most recent review.

I'm glad this chapter wasn't "horrible for not being edited!" Yay for that! Major editing streak begins in a little under 2 weeks! Get excited!

On to the next fabulous review!

-Blackly_Serious


 Report Review

Review #28, by Jackson RoblesGold: Invitations and Reunions

25th April 2010:
Done! With the second chapter. Or third. However HPFF does it - I've just read the text above this box. Well at least it's above me while I write this. Depending on when you read this you might just have an ad above it or another review. Odds are you'll have another review.

But what on earth am I talking about! One teensy tiny qualm that I forgot to berate you about last chapter! Chocolate eyes? Really? Are they edible? MILK chocolate? Because plain chocolate is the most bitter thing in the world. Maybe that means her eyes are bitter?

I dunno, just seems like that's how brown eyes are always described - I mean, 'dark brown eyes' is more original than 'chocolate' on the site. And I could go on with my hatred of chocolate eyes. And to give you an idea. I've reviewed 10 stories this past week. Four had Hermione with chocolate eyes, one had Pansy, two had OC's - the other had Ron with chocolate eyes.

He has blue.

But you get my point! (And not all of those have been requests :P)

But I guess it's okay to leave it - I'm just saying it made me roll my emerald green eyes. And yes, that was a joke. ;)

But seriously - it's a very minor qualm. And this story totally makes me think of a pie chart that showed you how to get girls to like you. Like 5% was be nice. 4% was make her laugh, 10% was impress her parents, 3% was respect her - 2% was be spontaneous - and 6% was to borrow your friends puppy - 80% was ignore her.

That's obviously got Gold to follow him, hadn't it? And while I know that pie chart's a joke, it seems to work for a lot of things doesn't it? You glamourize him and all that. Eventually the girl sees the perfect boy in just a regular boy. And that kind of sounds like Albus doesn't it? Just a regular guy, totally smitten for the looks and being beaten around by them. He's not the best person in the world, but Gold thinks of him as the answer to everything she could possibly want.

And maybe he can, you know? Maybe she can change him. Or at least open his eyes to the fact that he doesn't need Hazelle in his life. And I guess that's another weird spelling you've done. Marygold - is that pronounced different than the flower? I think it is right? Mary-gold? And then instead of Hazel we've Hazelle. Goldmen - instead of Goldman? I guess Goldman would be putting certain parameters over her name, if you know what I mean?

And I'm not being nitpicky about the fic, so :P I'm just... not necessarily teasing, but ... you know. Something to that effect. Because it is really good. She's a very vibrant character, there are just things typical of a fic of this sort very apparent here. The name thing and eyes chief among them.

And AGAIN - I have no real issue with the names, I'm just a slave to trends. And no, I don't know how that makes any sense.

But what, then, can I actually review? Besides poking fun at you? Humph. I can tell you I continue to like it. Like I said, Mary's a fun character. Not annoying, but ... kind of in a hiatus. Stuck in no man's land waiting to actually pluck up that Gryffindor courage and work things out.

Again you've weaved a lot of things to keep the reader coming back for more. It's like":O ALBUS MADE HER CRY?" and we need, need, need to find out why! Well, we do. Maybe not so fervently as that though.

We've got fun reads abounding here! And a lot going on, like I've said like six times now. She's dating a beau she's only dating to get over Al - and... oddly enough (off tooopic!) this story has kind of happened in reverse to me. But besides that, yes, I did like the Hufflepuff reference :P

Jackson

Author's Response: Helo! :D

NOO, her chocolate eyes are NOT milk chocolate! Sheesh..their white chocolate. Okay...I guess that was my turn for a corny joke. :P But yeah, I see what you mean. Just because of this review, I won't use the term 'chocolate eyes' again! :D

Your pie chart seriously had me giggling for ages! If puppies were allowed at Hogwarts, I think I would have to have had Al borrow Dom's. But alas, I'll have to make do without that 6%...

Haha, but yes, the way you described it is pretty much spot on. Gold doesn't know Al much, so what she does know about him is glamorized. And she pretty much thinks of him as perfect. But you're hit the mark, he's just a regular boy. I mean, a regular boy who's the son of the most famous man in the wizarding world, but you know what I mean.

Yeah, Marygold's pronounced different than the flower. It's said Mary-gold. I wrote her name like that because when it's spelled like the flower, the 'i' and the 'g' are a bit connected, and I wanted the 'Gold' to be like a second part of her name. Does that even make any sense?

Hehe, you looked a bit too much into Hazelle's name. I just hopped onto google and searched for English/British girls' names. :P And alas, Hazelle was named!

So because I'm a nosy person, I thought about the off topic thing you said! You went for the person you really liked to get over your beau? I think I understood that wrong. :P

Thanks again for the lovely, lovely review! I'm a bit wary from all the compliments you gave me, but I'll try my best to have the coming chapters up to expectations! I hope you enjoy what's to come! :D


 Report Review

Review #29, by Jackson RoblesGold: My Brother, The Slytherin

24th April 2010:
Ya! I like it. Lots, actually. And I think that has a lot to do with the very well named Marygold. The spelling irks me a bit, but what can you do? :P She's a really, really amazing character. I dunno - I wasn't the fondest of Lily Evans, in any real Marauder fic. I dunno, I like the idea of this so much better.

It fits, I can relate to her and the canon very well - and her fantasies and thought processes are completely entertaining to read. The Aurors coming after her, the fatness and how her father would go to Azkaban for raising a murdering son - I could just see it as a moving picture of her thoughts as a break from a story.

You know what I mean? Like this could be a movie - though I don't know how good a compliment that is after Twilight came out. Not that I read Twilight. I've just heard the fangirl rants. And that is kind of saying I could see this as a movie. But I've only read one chapter.

And I like it so much I really think because of Gold. But I've told you all about her, so let's see what else we can look at.

The idea of James being hardheaded and a bit of a ... prejudice guy I think works very well with the story. Scorpius as a very protective older brother also makes things interesting as well. I mean - I've got to comment on the large range of things that have been established already -there are just so many (that's a good thing) - Albus's relationship, the story about Gold's first kiss, Albus's girlfriend, the dream of being in his arms, being best friends with Dominique and being a part of the Gryffindor house, all the different relationships have all be defined so well so early on - I mean, it's very easy to follow.

I get the feeling from this that it's just bright and sunny - who's to say that hard times won't show up, but it might have a happy ending and the characters make you invested in them instantly. And that's 'you' in general by the way.

I'm trying to think of something that I could hate on with this story. And I mean colloquial hate - like the gangsters do - not serious hate (so I guess that was my feeble attempt at a joke?) and I'm having trouble finding things. My taste in reading has been completely satiated by this work (that sounds very, very weird and I don't think I'll ever write or say it ever again).

Anyways, I do look forward to reading the next chapter. I think it's finally happened! It's a favorite of mine. And if there were more chapters I'm sure I'd have gone on to them. We'll just have to look and see won't we.

Also, this is definitely (on chapter one?!?!) my favorite Next Gen piece I've read.

Jackson

Author's Response: Hi again, Jackson!

Woah, I really, REALLY, love this review. Honestly. Thank you!

Hehe, well I shall take your movie comment as a compliment, wheather or not if you meant is as one or not. :P

It's great that you like Gold's character! I did try to make her relatable to the average person. :P Wow, your review really has my ego soaring a bit high up. *grins.*

Ah, I did like the idea of Scorpius being the protective older brother, too. (Obviously) That's probably the main reason why I invented Gold!

Well, I won't say that hard times won't show up, since I mean, what's a plot without a bit of a dilema? However, there definitely isn't 'horror/dark' listed in my genres. :P

Oh my, you favorited this?! I'm honored! I hope this story stays up to your expectations! Thank you so much for the review, again!

And by the way, I'm very happy your taste in reading has been completely satiated by this work. ;)


 Report Review

Review #30, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : A New, Fresh Beginning

24th April 2010:
DONE! What a hearty laugh moment for the lot of them! I felt like I'd just watched an episode of Little House on the Prairie. But all in all I did like the thing.

I mean, I was teasing you anyways, winky wink. It's likable to a very certain extent. Like almost all the way through, sans the grammatical travesties. I actually used that word correctly I think. See it's a very temperamental word and things of that sort should really only be used when the time calls for it. The time has officially called for it.

What a great line to end on as well. In a very sadistic way, trouble found him when Ginny died. It kind of goes full circle.

Thank you ♥ Linders for writing this. I hope you had fun with it. It was a very good read.

JD

Author's Response: Oh dear! Ha ha, I'm glad that you liked it.

Ha ha. Good. :P I would hate for it to be one of those obnoxiously wholesome and irritating old American television programs. Oh shut up. There were no grammatical travesties. Hmph.

Hehe. Yes, I like things that go full circle. Occasionally, I will write them.

You're welcome, dear. ♥ I'm really glad that you enjoyed it.

Linders


 Report Review

Review #31, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : Of Celebrations & Wedding Plans

24th April 2010:
How sweet. Fluff's always nice.

And should Lily be performing underage magic?! Are you serious?! You're breaking canon you canon breaker. I can't believe how incompetent your grasp of the English language and the Harry Potter world is.

Yeah. I didn't have a straight face while typing that - so figure it out. Okay?

Anyways, I'm kind of bummed the story's ending. And I did like this. It was a well written Harry/Pansy without ridiculously dramatic parts the author's force in. I hate it when that happens.

Off to finish her off.

Author's Response: Isn't fluff nice.

Um, it's a wizarding household, duh? She can perform magic. Geez. With daddy as an Auror, I sincerely doubt he's going to turn his daughter in. Don't be daft. ;) Remember George and Fred? They practiced underage magic all the time and no one freaked out on them because they were from a Wizarding household.

Ha ha. xD

Thank you. I'm glad you thought so. That means a lot to me. I'm sorry that you're sad, though. ♥


 Report Review

Review #32, by Jackson RoblesDudley's Tale: Into the Wizarding World

24th April 2010:
Hullo Ms. Black (that is officially the funny) - I was going to point out a few areas that needed 'super edits' - but looking like you're going to get to them soon anyways - so I'll stave off and wait anxiously for 'defiantly' to be turned to 'definitely' :P

But what are we looking at here in terms of story? It's a very interesting set up. I like the whole idea of the house and Justin! It's Wilson from House! A younger Wilson of course, but I think that totally works for him. I definitely hear his voice now. I also liked the lion smelling their wand to let them in.

But to the characters themselves! Won't this be an interesting - well, year? That was a very funny instance with the two boys oggling Nesta. I'm sure that'll lead to some interesting conversations between the boys later in the story. And then we have Hazel! She didn't have much in this bit did she? Well, I get the feeling from the banner that this is the girl to watch.

And! I totally knew it was a Potter house. I actually thought it was their home in England before Justin said anything. For some reason I was willing to accept the Thames as being just 10 feet across. Silly me.

Oh well. At least I didn't take my entire story do--- oh yeah. Haha - I was totally just talking in general. Not about you at all. *whistles innocently*

But I do enjoy reading this story. It's - innocent? Easy going? It's definitely a good story. I mean, so far as I can tell ;)

Jackson

Author's Response: Mr. Jackson,

I should tell you that 'defiantly/definitely' is one of my cruxes... I can NEVER spell "definitely" correctly (I'm actually REALLY happy that you already spelled it in your review so I can reference it & not make a fool of myself in this response). So don't be too surprised when you see it again... I'm sure its there a few times (silly me & my lack of spelling skills).

I'm going to go & quickly fix that error... I'll go back & find the others later during the mass edit...

You're right, Hazel will play a larger role as the story progresses. Nesta and her younger sister will glean some more attention as well.

I suppose this could have been in England. I chose Venice b/c I'm pretty familiar with the city. My family lives close by so during my summer visits my cousins & I have done the tourist-y thing there a few times. It seemed like a fun place to set the story.

Ok... I'll take the ridicule. I'm a bit absurd, I'll admit. Only a REALLY gullible, REALLY irrational person would take down their story... on April Fool's Day... That was a fail.

I'm glad you're enjoying it. Thanks for reviewing :)

-Ms. Black :P


 Report Review

Review #33, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : If At First You Don't Succeed

24th April 2010:
Awww! ♥ all around! Everyone ♥!

I'm glad they're together such a nice couple. I can't help but laugh though. Pansy Potter. It works I guess. Potter's not a bad last name I think.

Anyways, nice work. Few grammar kinks here and there, but it's all right.

Oh come on! I HAVE to tease you. :P

JD

Author's Response: Hehe. Yes, lot's of love. ♥

I thought you liked the sound of Pansy Potter. Sheesh, stop changing your mind.

Psh. There are no grammar kinks. Don't flatter yourself. :P

Psh. No you don't.

-Linders


 Report Review

Review #34, by Jackson RoblesGold: Prologue: Waking Up A Bit Too Soon

23rd April 2010:
Hiii Pearl! Can I call you Pearl? I'm going to go for it.

And I kind of want to talk about the Marauders thing. Eh. I just have a slight aversion to the era on a whole. I tried to keep myself from sounding... harsh. I dunno what it is, and I apologize for those two reviews.

But what about this (and I'll just offer a quick look at the prologue before going on to the actual reviews themselves of the next two chapters) - ? Hm. It's interesting. A Malfoy in Gryffindor! And Albus in Slytherin? I like it.

It's a twist, definitely. And I think it might be plausible for the Malfoy's to have another kid. I'm also much more open to Next Gen. I mean... my reason's probably only going to make sense to me, ever feel like that? :P

BUT! ... I totally lost my train of thought. Ooops. It was nice. I look forward to reading what happens!

Jackson

Author's Response: Hey there, Jackson!

Sure, call me Pearl! It does make me feel a bit special, after all. :P

Ah, it's okay! Those two reviews weren't negative in anyway. I...thrive on constructive critisim. :P

Glad you like the twist in this story. I do think that Albus in Slytherin has become pretty popular now actually, but a Malfoy in Gryffindor hasn't. (At least, I hope not? I've only recently gotten into next gen, and I haven't had a chance tpo many yet).

Thanks for the review! I've already read your next one and I love it. :D But I shall gush on that review when I actually get to it, yes? :D


 Report Review

Review #35, by Jackson RoblesDudley's Tale: Welcome 'Home' Harry

23rd April 2010:
Hilo. How's things Serious? I think I can call you Serious. I mean, is Ms. Black good? I don't want to cross any boundaries.

That is actually very funny that you fell into the 12- rule so wholeheartedly. I was tugged in for a bit before realizing what day it was and having read about the Twilight thing the year previous. ;)

But besides that you've done a good job with this first chapter. I think our writing styles are similar, if that means anything? I don't know... just the way you tackle the narrative kind of feels familiar. Does that make more sense? o.O

But anyways, well, the mind of Dudley is an interesting thing, no? I'm sure that he's not just demented but tormented as well. And I like the idea of a bit of a surprise at the end (if you hadn't read DH :P) as well. Just - the Dursley's are all these kind of wizard haters and disdainful of anything to do with that crackpot school - and then they crack while Petunia bawls her eyes out into Ickle Duddykins's shoulder. It's a nice imagine.

And while the Dursley's weren't the nicest to him, the first four novels kind of had that comedic feel with the Dursleys - you know? Everyone always talks about the idea that they abused Harry - and some fics make it much more angsty (wink wink) than the books ever did. And it kind of irks me. Vernon and Petunia are comedic styled characters. A horse and a whale - with a son that was (before boxing) wider than he was tall. Funny images all round.

And you keep that going. Dudley's not the deepest character on the planet, and truth be told, sans the Harry thing, he's a regular British kid. He just has knowledge of a very strange place.

And now he's going somewhere very interesting. I quite like the idea and premise of this fic, and look forward to reading and seeing where this is all heading toward - I quite the idea of a dudley/OC fic. We'll have to see how she looks, hm? ;)

Jackson

Author's Response: Jackson,

Wow! Long Review!

Haha! You can call me whatever you want, be it Serious or Ms. Black or anything else you come up with. I'll respond to literally anything.

I'm pretty sure that I am THE most gullible person on this planet. I've found that I just have to laugh at myself when I fall for practical jokes, which, needless to say, happens a lot.

I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter. I think you might be right; we do write similarly, now that I think about it. Fun stuff!

I wanted to write about the Dursleys because of the "comedic feel," as you put it, I found in the books. The Dursley v. Wizarding World chapters in JK's books have always been some of my favorites because they overreact to EVERYTHING.

Thank you so much for leaving such a lovely review! It made my day!

-Serious/Ms. Black/whatever :P


 Report Review

Review #36, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : Walking On Hot Coals

23rd April 2010:
Huh.

:P

No - it's a movement chapter. We're seeing thing happen. Like continue on. And just a few days of school. Poor Lily. What on earth could they be doing with her, the monsters!

Creepy, creepy monsters.

The banter between Harry and Pansy is rather catchy. They're funny. Pansy's proud and on Harry's level. The thing I always had an issue with with (double word, oh yeah, I'm smart) Ginny was the fact that she kind of seems like JKR's gift. Here Harry, you went through a horrible seven years of life, let's give you the perfect wife.

Blech.

You know?

♥ to the chapter Linders!

JD

Author's Response: He he.

:P

Yes. I noticed that, but I couldn't just have them run in guns blazing and find her a chapter after she was kidnapped. That's rather dull, don't you think? I do.

So I thought some daddy drama in the hospital works.

Ha ha, yes, they are creepy.

Hehe. Yes, I like the banter between them. They amuse me. Ha ha. Yes, you are rather intelligent. Yes, I agree.

Yes, I do.

I'm glad that you ♥ the chapter!

Linda


 Report Review

Review #37, by Jackson Roblesblood.: Treacherous Friends

23rd April 2010:
Hehe - this has just severed all ties I had with any character. And it fits. It works. So from a plot perspective the thing's working. Ted and Vic were too 'busy' to help her, Dominique killed her, and Lysander obviously did something rather nasty to get everyone to think she'd left.

My money is on Lorcan as the baddie. I mean, I'd want revenge for someone. It looked quite like he liked her (hehe @ the wording) - and Dom killed her and Lysander helped her.

But in this chapter you did cause me to like Molly. Of course Molly's been dead - that's a definite plus that I'm feeling for a character! And Lorcan too I guess. I suppose I'm on his side with all the killings. I mean these people are all pretty nasty. Very nasty. But it works. I mean the death of Molly. I wondered when that was going to come into play. I had no clue what might of happened, so it was definitely not what I was expecting.

Darn it! Dom! You punk. You just had to kill her didn't you? And Lysander! You lovesick fool.

I suddenly feel as though this is turning into a horror movie! All the baddies are going to get what's coming to them! You know what I mean?

I was trying to think of... like redeeming qualities for them? And I dunno. I mean, do I really think they should be killed? No. They were kids. Drunk and dumb. Panicky. Lysander was lovesick and foolhardly. Dom... was supposedly thinking of others, but can that really be trusted? I dunno! That's the thing!

>:( haha It's driving me bonkers. It's got to be Lorcan. Molly is definitely dead, not her trying to kill them for some reason I had no clue about. And I mean, he's not showed up yet has he? He's just gone missing. He's able bodied. MAYBE LORCAN'S LYSANDER and it's LYSANDER that's dead.

Who knows.

hehe I'm just throwing ideas out there. You did drop the bomb that I had forgotten about (or didn't know about) that they were twins, after all! Big deal, that!

Humph. About the chapter itself, well the thing moves around pretty well. It went from one item to another easily and we're going places! I know! I can just feel - FEEL - the story's pages turning faster. What's this and that about? Can it be her? Is it her? Did he do this and that or is it his twin that was doing everything and is he dead? No. He can't be dead. Or can he? Was there a switch? Is that too far fetched? No. Maybe. Well possibly. Who knows?

Just a bit from the myriad of questions floatin' around the ol' noodle up there. You know?

Oi. This chapter seriously makes you hate Lysander and Dominique. That's a bummer. Well, like I said, it works, and I do like it, but man - no one's innocent! Next thing you'll know it was Teddy that turned a blind eye and Victoire that told (or is it Victiore? No... that doesn't look right) Ted to not answer the door and continue on with the process.

And I wonder what made Molly so sick in the first place. Alcohol does have some nasty effects... but maybe there was something more? Maybe Lorcan killed her or something, and was feeling guilty.

I'm just throwing out any kind of idea. Maybe Molly's sickness was just a natural reaction. I dunno. Like I said last time, s'rather weird, huh? In a good way, of course. I don't know if I stated that last time. It's a mind blowing weird, you know?

Which, I think at least, is a good thing ;)

Jackson

 Report Review

Review #38, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : The Proposition: Part II

23rd April 2010:
Ooh. Bit of interesting touching down there near the bottom. And we get to the center of the shrubbery maze! The name 'Proposition!' - and why Lily? What's it all for?

Is Pansy okay!? I thought they were getting married, yadda yadda. I'm interested to see how this all plays out. Looks like there are quite a few cronies working about here.

I'm liking what we're looking at here. S'a nice piece. Thanks again Linders!

I've never had a story for me before :P

JD

Author's Response: Thank you. I think they just took Lily to get underneath his skin. Let's face it, I think Al or James would likely take a swing at them. They prolly took her since she's perceived as weaker.

Ha ha, she'll be fine. They will, they will. Hehe. Yes, a few cronies, indeed.

Thanks, love. I'm glad that not all people are going to tell me that I'm incomptent with the Potterverse. :)

Hehe, now you do. :D


Linders


 Report Review

Review #39, by Jackson RoblesAfrican Violets: How it Happened

23rd April 2010:
Done! I read it Apop! Haven't I read something by you before? That was rhetorical - I read your piece on Colin Creevey. Nicely done that, but this is different. This story is guided by a different stroke I believe than the previous. Well, that's to be expected right? Different story, different theme and feel, right?

Well, see, that's the thing, there's things that lead back to every author in their stories. Unless they are attempting to emulate an author (because that is an important distinction) - you get the feel for the author in some form or another. Well, how about that here?

You've inhabited your story, is basically the point I'm trying to make. Besides a few awkward phrasings that I found, it is a woman and the death of Neville Longbottom. His wife. And we don't really know that for sure until the talk about the man's hair being white - then that could have been Neville's grandpa - and this his grandma - but that boyish face. It was Neville. And his wife? You like canon I think - so it was Hannah wasn't it? I mean the thing with the Quibbler kind of made me think of Luna, which in this story... well - how important is the character of the woman?

I mean, reading it not at all. She could be Hermione and this story would stay intact as is. And I don't really think that's a bad thing, but she was rather stagnant as a character, wasn't she? And that's a hard thing to work with, a character that we know rather little about. Unless it's Luna, in which case maybe the picking up of the Quibbler qualifies her, but I think even Ginny and yeah, Hannah would look it up. So what exactly separates her from an object?

Nothing. She is an object in this story. Which is an interesting thing to... well, think about - I mean, this whole story kind of seems detached. Maybe like a dream. The men are simply tall and fat. The woman is old and fidgety. They're representations of an action. Of a thought.

I don't really know if that's a bad thing or not. It's just an observation, right?

Now, onto the violet. You were slightly worried if that was annoying at all if I recall. Not really. It was a person just as much as the men and old lady were (because that's what we're calling her :P) - which is fine by me, considering the fact that it obviously held some serious significance to her. It reminded her of her failure. Sure of him as well, but where she let him down. Her weakest and most pathetic moment. It would drive her mad, like the door. It would really become all that she could see and all that she could think of, becoming wretched with guilt and immobilizing dreams, you know? The violet had to go, for her life to continue. I don't see it as her getting rid of him. When you're with someone that long there's no way to get rid of them. Now, it is a bit of a... weakness on the character (or lady... or whoever she is) that she can't manage with her guilt, which makes her human. A good thing. A grounding thing. This moment was probably clearest in the dream. Her face came into focus, and her words too tangible shape.

And about your time frame. Flashback? No. I don't think that's what you called it. But really, the story is on an arc, and about the time that she realizes things can't keep going with the violet there she relives what had happened. It works seamlessly and allows us to get a glimpse into why the African violet is so important - why it keeps coming up. Without that bit of the story the violet would be annoying. The violet would be without purpose, and we wouldn't understand the full implications of why she handed it off to be taken from her house.

And it kind of felt like the natural order of things. We were going to get the story and then why. We needed that why. So it was done very well, going from one thing easily to another. Though - I can't help but notice a few awkward phrasings. Something about commas looking to be out of place. Now - I might be wrong, but I do like to think I have an eye for grammar that isn't my own :P

So what did I think? It was good. It was well written, characters, while kind of flat, were flat in a quality way. The story was vague - mysterious even. The garden put it in some parameters and slowly the layer of the onion (or cake, pending on your food preferences) to get most of the picture. It was great.

Anything else? I think I covered the gist of it. We could go deeper, but I'm worried we might run out of characters, so I'll just leave it where we are. You should be proud of this piece Apop, it's worthy of... pride.

Heh. We can't by witty geniuses ALL the time ;)

Jackson

Author's Response: This story IS different than the Colin story. When I wrote this, I had been reading stories by Axjion and Celestie, who both have a very dreamy quality to their work that I'm absolutely in love with. I was loosely trying to emulate that, but it wasn't a primary goal.

In its original incarnation, this story was completely different and not dreamy at all. I had to completely revamp it to make it ToS-compliant. The original version was told from Neville's POV and took place in what is the past for this story--the actual day of his death.

You are correct that the woman could be anyone without greatly affecting the story. I had to make the man a specific character for the challenge, but I've considered editing out the last line that confirms her (and his) identity. I'm intrigued that you brought up the Quibbler. It was meant to be an off-hand thing (I wasn't creative enough to come up with another magazine, and I wanted to use something people would recognize anyway), but I wondered if people would stumble on it a little. There's no hidden meaning, but I do imagine Neville and Luna as friends, so it's a subtle nod to that. I'm thinking perhaps a gardening magazine could work just as well there.

I like the way you describe the woman and other characters as objects in the story. I think it's an apt description. This story is not ABOUT the characters, really. It's not even about what happens to them or what they do. It's more an exploration in reactions, if that makes sense. There is this Thing that has Happened. Now what?

I'm sure you noticed there was no dialogue until the very end--this story is less about what is said/done than what is thought/felt. It's passive, I suppose. There's a sense of unreality, because the woman's reality has just been turned upside down.

Ah, the African violet. You've read a bit more into it than I had intended when writing it, but I did put a lot of thought into this symbol and did my best to use it carefully (writing this story was also an exercise in symbolism for me). Here's the way I look at it: The violet does in fact represent Neville, although not directly. It is more a representation of his death--as he declined, so did it. Once he was dead, so was it. As you noticed, the plant died under Hannah's care--and she also failed to save Neville. She does indeed feel a sense of failure.

Further, notice that she uses the pot to block out the men from the ministry. Right now, his death is so big and recent that it's blocking out everything else. She is using the fact of the death--which she feels looming over her--to block out completely facing what it means to her--because she might fall apart. But she won't be able to move on until she faces it . . . so the dead African violet has to go. That's the writer reason for it. The character reason? Well, you hit the nail on the head. It's driving her mad, and she just can't bear it for another moment (btw, excellent tying it to the door—you ARE an alert reader). (But once she's removed the block . . . see?) It's only fitting that the thing that killed him and the thing that represent his death leave together.

I don't feel that the time-merging is seamless, but that's possibly because I can still see the stitches I made. :-P I think there are a couple of jarring transitions.

I re-read the story after your review, looking for awkward phrasing and misplaced commas. I did find a couple of places where it initially looked like the commas were misplaced. In fact, they were correct, but it looks wrong at first because I worded the sentences oddly. I do have some odd phrasing and words in here . . . trying too hard to sound like a distant observer (and also taking sentence-crafting way too seriously), partly.

By the way, I like both cake and onions, although not together. Except in zwiebelkuchen, but that's not sweet.

Thanks so much for the review, JR.


 Report Review

Review #40, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : The Proposition: Part I

22nd April 2010:
:O - eyes wide too, but I can't show you that. Is awesome.

And oi the family's doing strange things aren't they? I wonder what might happen next.

I do like how Pansy and Harry are an actual couple. They are adults - not teenagers. No acting like teenagers. You know what I mean!? Too much of this 'high schoolesque' romance all over the place. I've thoroughly had my fill all over the place of such tripe!

Well, it's not all tripe but we're generalizing here, mind you :P

Wonder what's the strange thing that'll happen next chapter.

JD

Author's Response: Ha ha. I'm glad you think so.

Oi, they are. You think they were a bunch of preschoolers sometimes. But my family dinners were much more subdued - however, at my aunt's house they kind-of exploded into similar situations. She told a lewd joke once at one of them, ha ha. They took a picture when she said that, you ought to see my amusement and incredulous disbelief. That photo made me laugh so hard.

Ha ha, yes. Well, we can't have that, now can we? Ha ha. Yes, you and your high school romance - you must die! Ha ha. xD I understand your point.

Yes, I know.

I'm not telling you. I'm just saying it's unexpected. ;)

Linders


 Report Review

Review #41, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : Yuletide Tempers & Gifts

22nd April 2010:
Yuletide indeed. Least the kids have somewhat reconciled. Rather fickle aren't they? I buy it, though they aren't the most likable are they? Lily is, which is a nice thing.

Pasny's fitting in just fine isn't she? It's nice. Seeing the fluffy side of the family.

I continue to like this story. Not that you need to know ;)

♥ Linders!

JD

Author's Response: Ha ha. Yes. They are rather fickle. Hehe. I like Albus, he's cute. It's James that is unlikeable, in my opinion. Hehe. Yes, Lily's a sweetheart. Chatters incessantly a bit too much, though.

Indeed, she is. Ha ha. Yes, can't be screaming at one another at all times, could they? That would be rather lamentable.

Ha ha. Well, thanks then, meanie. :P Glad that you're still enjoying it.

♥ JD

Linders

P.S. You're silly. :P


 Report Review

Review #42, by Jackson RoblesRule Breaker: Slytherins

22nd April 2010:
>:( I typed this whole thing up yesterday and my computer froze just as I hit preview. I might have cried. And gotten angry. And left the story for a day to try and come to grips with all the different implications such an event might have on my life. Actually I went and watched a movie and kind of forgot about the whole thing.

But still. It was a bummer.

Anyways! Back to the story right? Right. About your your OCs - well, not exactly a lot of time to get to know them (I'm trying to write what I wrote last night but I'm bound to miss something, so I apologize) - I mean, 1500 word chapters are like rifle shots, awe inspiring in succession, but you can't really get the full feel of them without all put together. If this were the only chapter with those OCs . . . well - we wouldn't have much an opinion on them do we? They don't seem like that bad of people. They hate Draco - but everyone hates Draco, so no big deal, you know? And they do seem friendly enough, but we know almost nothing about them is all. I'll be sure to make a more sure judgment after I get to know them a little better, right? ;)

So what else do we have to look at? Garrett's sudden appearance does seem rather odd. And then the fact that Ginny noticed and openly told Hermione that if Hermione didn't go after him Ginny would - just a little out there. I mean - I'm all for interhouse unity and all that - but they're in the middle of a war. And what are the odds that Ginny notices and makes a comment that she'd leave Harry?

But that was a nice comment she made about the boy wonder. Harry and Ginny in this Dramione are pretty typical. Not annoying or bothersome but there. Which so far makes sense, considering Hermione's been gone so far. Although I'm a little worried about Ron. He reminds me of the Ron from all the other Dramione's I've read. Like the guy that's going to make her cry and then Draco's going to cheer her up. Or Garrett or Theo you know? And not saying that that's what's going to happen - you know? I'm just worried reading it at the moment.

And this is mostly based off his ending comments.

Bit of irony that the Slytherin's are more accepting than the Gryffindors, which is definitely something strange - but not in a bad way, I mean.

I am interested, very much so to see where this off the wall Dramione is heading. How exactly the title might come into play (does it have anything to do with the murder that's going to happen in the next few chapters? I wonder . . .) - and it's nice to see one of these romances that has obviously planning behind it.

We're moving toward something, which is always a nice thing to read. So all in all this is a good story - short and quick with characters appearing (kind of) out of thin air. Oh! And the grammar thing was continuous in this one as well, not that I expected you to had corrected it in a manner of hours ;)

Darn it. I ended on a downer note again! Gah. Well - I said I liked it. I did. :P

Jackson

Author's Response: I PROMISE I'm fixing the grammar... :[ Really, I will be. Soon!

Hmm... and I promise that the OCs will have a lot more to them as the story goes on. They've just been introduced, afterall. But they'll be more "in" the story later.

Ron's a tough one for me. I really am trying to keep him in character... When I force you to read the next chapters, hopefully you'll see that he's a bit more normal? Ish? I dunno...

But I'm trying with him, I really am! XD I'll check his characterization when I do the edit of this chapter...

And Garrett's just the guy that everybody likes, right? Because he's cute, nice, funny, etc. I've known too many guys like him, honestly, haha. But he's just another character in my mind for now...

And... hmm... oh! I've had reviews disappear on me before. Actually, the giant one I left you was almost a third done when my page reloaded and I lost it. :P So I typed the rest of it in a word document and pasted it, haha. I was that paranoid.

And yeah! Way to end on a downer! Didn't you ever read the thing on the forums about "sandwich reviewing?" Good, bad, good? So the author doesn't cry when they read your reviews? :P

Hahahaha, okay. Really though, I'm rambling.

Thank you so much! I'll be back to your thread soon, like the stalker I accidently am.

--Emily


 Report Review

Review #43, by Jackson Roblesblood.: Slipping Away

21st April 2010:
Well, to answer your A/N it wasn't much of either. Too graphic would have been talking about their . . . well, we aren't really in romance territory are we? You tell the story how it needs to be told, not to an audience you know? So I think it was just right on the graphicness (it's a word! Who'd a thunk it - graphicness - but now that I think about it - did I use it right? o.O)

And the emotional intensity - well - I tried to remember who Lily was from the past. I went looking through a few chapters, and I've stumbled across the only slight issue with this fic. And I think I might have told you before. It's just something I have. Besides Dominique I'm not tied to a single character. Lysander as well, since he's her love interest. Chrys and Lily died. Well - why's Brian still alive? Why couldn't James have got the hatchet? And I guess that could be what you're going for, so perhaps it's not so much a big deal as I think.

One thing I would like to comment on is how the short chapters really do work for this kind of fic. I mean it's a rather quick read, and you could have this bugger done in maybe two hours (or less - I mean, how's the story coming along Price?! Are we nearing done at 13 - people are dropping like flies, but that doesn't mean we're only looking at a 14 chaptered fic does it? I do wonder where the plots going!) - if you sat through it. Which is a good thing I mean. You're writing is quick and you obviously do have a very good grasp over each character and their behavior. I thought James was a bad word for his reaction, but grief can make you do stupid things I suppose.

I assume Dom and Lysander have to know something about something weird. Which . . . yeah. Makes me sound dumb - but Molly's got to come into play soon. I figure this is a good guess at it as any. Unless it's something else! Who knows - I'll figure it out! *plots*

Anyways - There's not a whole lot I think I can say. Interesting methodology. I wonder why no one suspected each other with the lights out. I mean - no one came in and left - I would assume if I was there - and then they were cut! Curses! Silent ones! It's Dexter! Or someone. Maybe Albus - that useless healer.

I dunno. S'weird. Reading on - gotta figure out what's going on.

Jackson

 Report Review

Review #44, by Jackson RoblesRule Breaker: A Broken Vase

21st April 2010:
For some reason it's taken me forever to be SIGNED IN to leave this review. I don't understand HPFF sometimes. Not that I'm complaining or anything, but you would have had this review sooner if I'd not gotten frustrated :P

But besides that, I'm here! . . . Now at least. And here for your review. Aren't I the sweetest guy? . . . Yeah. Well, you know I try okay? We can't all be funny all the time. I mean, even Will Farrell did Bewitched. *shudders*

So what are we looking at here? Set up! We all know those fics were Dumbledore lived past HBP and suddenly plans dances for everyone to go to or someone plans a dance in the Room of Requirement because everyone knows about the room's existence and knows where to go to find it. Those stories are horrendous, you know? But you're leading into it. I'm not totally sold on the idea, but you do it all right, so no worries. And I'm referring to McGonagall's comment about social gatherings to take people's minds off the war going on outside the castle's walls.

That lead in is definitely a good thing, as it authenticates the dances. The reasons for Hermione and Draco to get together. You know what I mean? No sudden makeovers either - no suddenly notices how dashing Draco is and blushing like mad when he passes her.

So I can take it. Though it's AU so I have no idea where this story could be heading, but that's a good thing I think. Like the mystery about the vase and Draco. That was strange, but not so much so that I'm rolling my eyes at it. I'm interested in seeing what happens and where it goes, if only for the sake of finding out if that's a train or an exit at the end of the dark tunnel, you know?

I thought the slight civility between Theo and ol' 'Mione (let's hope the world never comes to that nickname - it'll be as bad a discovery as the atomic bomb) was completely all right. It's a really weird story.

That thought just hit me. I mean it is! I haven't read anything like it. I mean, the whole 'ignores DH' thing's all over the place but a story that has taken this many left turns is like a Wonderland in Wonderland, where the first Wonderland was the Red Queen's domain (normal weird Dramiones that make them Head Boy and Girl) and this one - the White Queen.

You know what I mean? And I don't mean weird in a bad sense. It's a very different direction I think. It's mysterious, very much so. What IS Malfoy planning? Is he going to kill Nott? Is he letting baddies in?! What the heck's going on, you know?

All in all I'm interested. Romances really don't suck me in unless it's a super well written Harry/Pansy (I'm weird I know, but isn't that kind of like Dramiones flipped?) - so don't feel bad (or self conscious) that I'm not swooning ;)

Oh! And besides spelling 'Filch' 'Filtch' you were really good all round concerning . . . spelling.

But grammar dialogue's still needing a bit of work.

"One might say that you're discriminating or profiling," Draco mused calmly, You're targeting me because I'm a Slytherin."

This right here is a common line of dialogue from the chapter. You break it up with something in the middle. Nice touch - a bit of a flourish yeah.

But it should actually read like this.

"One might say that you're discriminating or profiling," Draco mused calmly. "You're targeting me because I'm a Slytherin."

Period HAS to go after that break UNLESS it's a continuation of the previous line of dialogue - then it WOULD NOT be capitalized as it usually is. And it's supposed to be capitalized, as it's a new sentence, you know?

Hope I helped. Ooh. Sorry to end on a grammar note. Eh. By making me ramble you've done a good job. And please don't take anything I say in a negative sense (I know that might seem a bit non sequitur considering the upbeat nature of the review, but for some reason people get very defensive and attack me even when I didn't attack them!)

Oops. Rambled again. Will you forgive me?

I did like this chapter. It's dark. But not sinisterly dark, you know?

Jackson!

Author's Response: Ahaha, hey there! :D

Thank you again for a spectacular review. :]

I'm actually starting to edit this story because I didn't understand the whole dialogue-thing when I started writing this, but now I totally do. :D (that was a terrible sentence XD)

Anyhow: I'm totally not defensive; your comments make my day. They help me improve instead of just swooning--which, of course, I like as well; it's just not constructive.

So... thank you! :D

And you're awesome for putting up with a ship you don't really like too much. :P (though I suppose it hasn't shown up yet... but you know it will) And yes, Harry/Pansy is a reversal of Dramione. :]

Oh! Random other thought: my first novel on here... it's terrible. And Hermione and Draco get together in like... two weeks. And "fall in love." And it's cliche, and lame, and cheesy beyond belief. And here's the worst part: they call each other "Mione" and "Drake." No, really. They do. XD XD I have to rewrite that someday... I'm a horrendous person.

I promise that I blame the aforementioned novel on being about thirteen or forteen when I started it and being new to the site. :P That's the real cause of its fail.

So... THANK YOU! :D

You're awesome.

--Emily


 Report Review

Review #45, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : Sparks, Arguments, & Prejudices

20th April 2010:
:D

I quite liked it. Pansy is rather annoying sometimes though isn't she? >:( But that's Pansy. I wonder how Harry exactly got over that. I suppose he just figured it was her fiery personality. Or maybe it doesn't pester him as much as me. And she's not . . . mean annoying - just roll your eyes annoying, which I guess isn't all that bad.

Thank you Linders! Time to get back to paper writing. Only an hour left! *cries* - *but is heartened!*

JD

Author's Response: :D

Ha ha, yes, she can be very annoying. I thought it would be taking too much liberty to alter that part of her personality. I think he figures he has his own flaws, so he'll deal with hers. Merlin knows he wasn't perfect. Ha ha, roll your eyes annoying? :P Yes, though, I understand what you mean.

You're welcome. Well, good luck with your paper writing. Don't cry, I'm sure you'll be fine!

I'll write you more. If only eventually. It will get done. :)

Linders ♥


 Report Review

Review #46, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : Rising From the Ashes: Part III

20th April 2010:
Totally chemistry. You were soo completely skeptical. I couldn't believe it.

:P I like it. Like you said - why rush the romance? Why write to see people fall in love rather than tell a story? Make it worthwhile, not full of hearts and deepened kisses.

I do like watching romances. I don't get completely and utterly involved, stunned and awed by the things the boy does and the romanticness of the whole thing. I watch for the story, the characters, what happens? How does it all come about, you know?

And it's coming about nicely. Very universal paragraph near the end. I'm looking forward to reading much more of this story. I'm bummed there's only one more chapter to go. *cries*

JD

Author's Response: Ha ha. You shh. I'm glad that you are so amused by this.

:P I'm glad that you like it. He he. Yes. I don't like rushing the romance. It's annoying. Like Chapter 1 she meets him, Chapter 2 They're In Love, and Chapter 3 they get married? Boring. That's oversimplified, of course, but you know what I mean.

Ah, yes. I can see what you mean. :) Personally, I think I do a bit of both. I'm a people watcher and it creeps my mum out, but I also like seeing what happens in people's relationships. Yeppers peppers.

Thank you. I'm glad that you thought so. Hehe. I'm glad that you're looking forward to it, though. That pleases me.

Don't worry, there will be more. *gives another hanky* Don't know when, but I will write more to this. I told you that it's mapped out - at least, the bare bones of it.

Linders ♥


 Report Review

Review #47, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : Rising From the Ashes: Part II

20th April 2010:
Pansy and Harry DO have chemistry. I told you they did. You didn't listen to me. You were skeptical. HA! *dances*

That was a manly dance by the way. Very manly.

I liked it. Albus and James struck me as very moody but anger is much better than indifference. It's an emotion. It can be turned. S'why I wonder about Harry and Draco as friends, you know?

Indifference is the thing so hard to break. But hatred and anger? Especially toward a father? Ahh, once he has Pansy things'll go back to normal *nods pretentiously* I see all.

*sees all*

JD

Author's Response: Ha ha. Yes, well apparently my muse would agree with you. :P

A manly dance? Somehow I doubt that. It was probably girly. Before you cry, have a tissue. *hands tissue* XD

Yes, well, I think that teenage boys are very prone to anger. Let's flash back to teen angst Harry. I thought it was plausible that they took after daddy dearest even if they were loathe to admit that.

Yes, it is. Very much so. Ha ha. Yes, well. They can't help it. In their defense, though, Harry can be an arse especially when he's grieving.

No pretentious nodding on a review! I won't have any of that!

*snorts*

What, you a seer now?


Linders


 Report Review

Review #48, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : Rising From the Ashes: Part I

20th April 2010:
Hi Linders!

What a good flowing chapter. Nice to see some serious narration not placated with all that (I think placate works here. I can never be sure) dialogue!

Well, there was dialogue - nearing on the end, but you know what I mean.

Erm. I really like your narration. It's easy going, easy to follow, and eases into the next paragraph with such ease. It's just pleasing.

You know? You missed a " at the end of one of Hermione's lines of dialogue, but don't worry - I'm quite sure that no one but me will notice. Or worry about it. I'm just a meanie head. And I'm sorry.

I mean, if it was me I'd definitely want to know, you know? I figured you would as well, just for old time's sake . . . :P

I liked it. I'm going to read on now - stay smilin'!

JD

Author's Response: Hi, JD!

I'm glad that you thought so. :) Yes, I don't like a story to be too dialogue based. At least, not all at once. It's irritating.

Ha ha, yes, I know what you mean. :)

Well, I'm glad that you like my narration. That's always a nice thing to hear from a reader, I must admit.

Oh? :P I went and checked. You were right, but I fixed it. So need to worry about it, good sir.

Ha ha, you're silly. Thanks for telling me.

I'm glad that you liked it so thoroughly.


Linders


 Report Review

Review #49, by Jackson RoblesYou Saved Me.: One.

20th April 2010:
:D Hi Kait! How're you? (: I'm good.

Very nice night to be reading fics, isn't it? I think so. Though, I probably should have gotten on top of this sooner. Sorry about that. I hope you'll forgive me?

And about the fic - I really like it. I think - not that I think the older stuff wasn't great - that this is an amazing step up from the Next Gen fic we looked at around a month ago? Maybe two. I still remember it. It had promise, and this has girth! (I brought that around because we ARE supposed to be talking about this fic :P)

But WHY do I like it? And WHAT might need work? Hm? Well - we'll see won't we? Oh yes, we'll definitely see (or at least glance over it, you know?).

GRAMMAR first. :P Here we are! Something that I'm PRETTY sure on. At least, 99% sure.

"Al, I don't understand," I informed him, shaking my head, "What was that? Where was I?"

Right! You'll recognize this as a line from your fic. This fic, in fact. And this little line of dialogue is in the same general format - so what's wrong about it? It should be like this.

"Al, I don't understand," I informed him, shaking my head. "What was that? Where was I?"

:P That's it. Instead of that second comma it's a period. On ALL of them, unless it's a continuation of the previous sentence - in which case the next line of dialogue would most definitely have to be lowercased. Which it isn't here, so I assume I'm right. XD

Anyways! Can we get past all this boring grammar talk and actually get into the coolness (totally a word) that is this fic! What a great premise, I'd like to add. Because I figured it would be Ariana telling her mother just how many times her mommy saved her. And it is - but it's more than that. It's always the mother saying how the daughter saved her. And I'm sure if Ariana had not been screwed up in the head she would have been sobbing her eyes out.

I mean - how ironic (tragically ironic) - is that? The mother tells her daughter how she saved her life - saved her mind - saved her marriage - saved nearly everything - only to have that same daughter actually kill her. And then it ends up being the mom that saved the daughter by caring for her. Yet, like I said, that daughter kills her.

And personally that thought would definitely haunt me - maybe more so with the knowledge that my mother thought I saved her life - and then I took it.


Luckily Ariana's insane. Else she might have had even worse nightmares, you know? But at least we ended on a happy note. Well, a sweet note, really. WAIT! Ariana dies not long after this, that's right. :/ I guess we end on a bittersweet note, yeah?

Erm. I liked it. I mean, in terms of plot, I had no real idea where the thing was going to go. And at the start I had no clue who's story we were looking at. Luna, maybe? Didn't her mom die at six? But no! It's Ariana. And I love that about the beginning. And it's also kind of in the dark as to what is really happening (in a good way, as the story has the veil of ignorance over the reader, in that the reader is lost in the dark while the narration obviously points to the author pulling you along) - as we progress in the story.

But one thing I would seriously, seriously consider removing are all the comments in parenthesis. All of them. We could so easily get along without them, and it seems like the author is purposefully trying to make us understand - holding our hand while we read and telling us everything will be all right. Older readers (I'd like to think myself) tend to find that cumbersome while reading and are slightly put off by it.

Though it'd be an aesthetic choice on my part, so I guess it's not imperative that you remove them at once! you know?

Anyways, I thought the voice was great overall. It was like we were getting the voice of Ariana after her death and her mind was freed from whatever had a grip on it, you know? And you tiptoe around the tedious content of what exactly happened to make Ariana GO insane very, very well I thought.

Her dialogue had me raising my eyebrows a bit, but maybe I see her illness in a different light than you. And your writing made me think it over. Maybe Ariana is very . . . unbalanced. Any slight push could send her into a frenzy, but so long as things are tranquil and company is kept then she's fine. I got that feel from your fic - so long as she's not scared or anxious - and I quite like that take on her.

So what do I give this? 7? 8? 7.5? Not above an 9.8 (because there's ALWAYS room for improvement :P)? Well, I don't really rate fics.

It's the story itself that matters, not labels other people put on them. You know?

Anyways, I do hope this is what you were looking for in a review, and I quite look forward to working with you in the future. You stay classy.

Jackson

 Report Review

Review #50, by Jackson RoblesAmarantine : Pain, Loss, & Unmerciful Surprises

19th April 2010:
Hi Linders! Have you proofread this? :P

Well, besides a few errors I quite liked it. It was rather harsh in some places I must admit - but it was real! And good - I mean, it's not like I have an issue with harshness.

But I do like it! And man can I relate with Harry. I'd be mega super >: if something like this happened to me. I mean WOW. Grrr to Blaise.

Dog gone monsta!

But it was a good starter. Just enough and I definitely look forward to seeing where everything goes. Thanks Lindersss!

♥ ♥

Jackson

Author's Response: Psh, you're mean. :P

See if I ever write anything for you again.

Well, sometimes life is harsh. After all, life is not all rainbows and unicorns. Is it? Of course not.

I'm glad you like it. ;) Ha ha, yes. He was very upset, obviously. I had to throw some twist in there. Otherwise it would be a boring courtroom scene and Blaise would go to Azkaban. Yada Yada Yada. That would have driven me to tears of boredom.

Yes, monster, indeed. Not all people are peachy and fun, though.

I'm glad that you thought so. Hehe. You'll have to wait and see. You're welcome.


Linders


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>