Wow! Great chapter. I love how Dorcas decided to get her revenge against Bella, and the note was a nice touch. I think, in a way, Dorcas has a lot in common with Bellatrix now, as scary as it sounds. She's even copying Bellatrix's methods in her revenge. At this point, it feels to me that Dorcas has been consumed by a selfish rage. She says she's doing this all in Amber's name, but really, vengeance has become her method of healing. Throughout this story, though, she's shown a sort of self-absorbed pig-headedness about things (including the big-mouthed name-calling that led Bella to Amber in the first place). Now, it's all about her revenge. It's in Amber's name, but I don't think Amber would have really wanted her sister to throw away her life.
The conversation that Dorcas had with her mother was also very well done, and I really like how the Ministry is just as incompetent as they are in the fifth book when Voldemort rises a second time. Wonderful chapter! I'm really enjoying this story. :)
AetherAuthor's Response: I love this review.
I honestly feel like this says you took everything away from this chapter that I wanted the reader to.
I was really hoping that the reader would be able to see Dorcas' descent into a person that she, honestly, wouldn't want to be. And one that her sister certainly wouldn't want her to be. This is a lot more obvious in the next chapter, but you're ahead of the game in seeing where I was trying to go, and I'm so happy you did.
It seems to me like the Ministry seems to be almost always incompetent, no?
I'm glad you liked his chapter! I'm working diligently on the next one (though I will admit, it doesn't want to be written)!!!
Thanks for taking the time to review!
~Cassie Report Review
Great chapter! I guess I always assumed that Ron and Hermione got together right after the final battle, but I can see how things might've been more complicated than that. :)
I feel like this chapter and the chapter before it were significantly better than chapters 1, 2, and 3 because they had so much more detail. You really delved into the feelings and thoughts of your characters, and you set the scene well.
You have a great story here. Good luck on the rest of it, and thanks for requesting!
AetherAuthor's Response: I think Ron is a bit emotionally clueless sometimes, you know? Especially having to cope with Fred's death, not being sure of himself concerning Hermione (they did only share a kiss after all, and it might just have been the stress of the moment - that's the kind of thing I imagine going through his head), I don't think he'd have been ready right after the war, though I have read some fics where that is the case and that I adore...
Yes, detail. I'm working on it, especially as I move on with story. I'll bear it in mind!
Thank you so much for your insight on the story :) Report Review
This is a absolutely beautifully written chapter. I teared up when you described Fred's ceremony, and I felt that you really stayed true to Ginny in this chapter. I have nothing critical to say! :)
You really explored Ginny's state of mind and character well in this chapter. Really, I'm speechless. I love how you were able to write this chapter with so little dialogue, yet still keep my attention so well. Nice work!
AetherAuthor's Response: I made you tear up? Really? I don't know if I should be feeling guilty or happy I managed to convey what I wanted...
Thank you for saying I stayed true to Ginny. She's actually one of the characters I find hardest to write, as she's important but not that centered-on in the books. :)
This is the best compliment you could make on this chapter. I owe you big time!
Thanks so much :) Report Review
I thought the scene with Ron was very appropriate - I can definitely see him doing that after the final battle. He's impulsive and sometimes a bit selfish, so it seems like wandering off to a bar is something he'd do.
I liked the conversation between Fleur and Ginny in this chapter. I could tell that Fleur was really broken over her miscarriage and the death of her brother. I also thought it was a nice Ginny-Fleur moment. It might've been a little sudden in their relationship for Fleur to start pouring her heart out to Ginny like that, but I think it moves the story along nicely, while revealing some new things about Fleur.
The trio and Ginny still feel out of character to me, especially in this chapter, but I don't mind reading stories that I feel have OOC characters in them, especially when they're well-written!
I will always recommend betas, to everyone. I have a beta for my novel fanfic, and she is awesome. The forums have a great place where you can request betas. It's very useful, and it's nice to have someone to rant to about your story. :) They catch mistakes and ask important questions that as the writer you might not see right away.
Excellent chapter! Reading on...
AetherAuthor's Response: Oh, you did? I wasn't sure about that part... Thanks!
Yes, the Ginny-Fleur part might have been a bit early, but I always felt like Fleur wanted for Ginny to like her, and that it was a relationship she wanted to build on. Fleur is one of the characters I prefer writing about, probably because we don't know that much about her and because no one can really blame me if I invent things...
Yes, OOC. I had some troubles with that in the first three chapters, but it gets easier every time, I think you might have noticed?
Betas. I do have one, but we started working together on chapter 5. I'm definitely keeping her though, and we'll probably be editing chapters 1-2-3 when I'll be slowing down my updates. Thank you for the advice!
:) Report Review
In this chapter, I'm going to give one of my super nit-picky reviews, but the sort of things I'm pointing out are important. Avoiding confusing sentences, adding/improving description can really improve a story. So, here we go...
>>>"However, Hermione herself had clearly missed out on Ron's sentence as her eyes were gazing at the same spot as before." What is the 'same spot as before'?
>>>"She was oblivious that she did not even notice Harry and Ron leaving the room, whispering hurriedly." You are missing "so" before oblivious. Also, try to picture your characters when you're describing them. I have some trouble seeing Ron and Harry whispering to each other in front of Hermione like that.
>>>Description, description, description! It really serves to set the mood and the scene. In what ways are the owlery destroyed? How does that relate back to the character's mood? Why are Harry and Ron in there?
>>>Big paragraphs, even of dialogue, are easier to read when they are broken up into smaller ones. McGonagal's speech might flow better if it were two paragraphs, as opposed to one.
>>> "reparations" = repares
Why do people think Harry should feel guilty for casualties? I'm very confused about that. I think, at most, Harry might feel guilty, but it feels a little out of character for his friends and family to think such things. Unless, of course, this is a hero thing. Maybe Ginny expected Harry to always be her super-human hero, and she never got over that hero-worship from when she was little? I don't know... it sort of cheapens the relationship that JKR described. I always thought she'd gotten over that image of Harry.
Ugh, I hate it when I read back through my reviews and realize how overwhelmingly negative they are! I really enjoyed this chapter, and the reason that I have so much criticism to give you is because I am a huge fan of Harry-centric fanfictions. Thus, I have a lot of experience reading canon and fanon pieces. This is meant to be a canon piece, I think, so I was just giving you some feedback on parts that I felt weren't canon. You can feel free to ignore them, of course! :)
This is a great story! I actually haven't read many of these, and you do a great job of accounting for everything going on after the war. Teddy is adorable! I bet Harry's in for a tough few years as he learns about children.
Great job! Keep writing. :)
AetherAuthor's Response: I love super nit-picky reviews, how else could I improve?
>>> I hadn't even paid attention. Looking back at that I have to admit I'm as puzzled as you are. Hmm.
>>> Yes, true. Harry and Ron wouldn't whisper, but I needed a way to move things along a bit, as bad as it was. I'll make sure to edit asap.
>>> Ah, description! My worst friend... I do like writing it, but sometimes things don't seem to click, or I'm afraid to bore the reader. Seeing your questions, I understand that's something I need to get over because it makes the reading more confused. Thanks for pointing it out!
>>> Cutting paragraphs in two: I hope McGonagall's speech is the only place you noticed that? I tend to normally pay attention, but apparently not this time :)
>>> Reparations - there goes the French! English isn't my mother-tongue, and sometimes I swap (I was going to write "inverse", see what I mean?) words from both languages. Oops...
There's this clichÃ© image of Harry where he wants to carry all the world's problems on his back, and I gave in to the clichÃ©. I also wanted a reason for him not to gt back with Ginny immediately, and that's the best I could come up with... I'm definitely not satisfied, but at this stage of the story I needed something, and well, voilÃ . But I'm not happy about it, and I will change it at one undetermined moment. Just not yet, because I want to get into the story first.
You shouldn't feel like this was overwhelmingly negative! It was constructive, and opened my eyes on a certain number of flaws that needed to be pointed out - I'd much rather have this coming from you than from someone who would just criticise. And I won't ignore your feedback, otherwise what would be the point of my requesting your reviews?
I'm glad you think it's a great story, that means much more to me than I can say :)
I love Teddy too, and Harry, well, let's just say I've got a nappy-changing scene in mind, and if he managed it too well that just wouldn't be funny, would it?
Thank you so much for everything :) Report Review
Great start to this story! The flow is very nice, and you do a great job of addressing the various issues that I'd imagine would arise after the war.
The deaths of Tonks, Fred and Remus all probably lingered for months after the battle, and I'd imagine that her parents would the first thing that Hermione would think about when the battle ended.
I wasn't completely clear on why Harry was feeling guilty though. With Sirius, he fell for Voldemort's trap, which ultimately led to Sirius's death. With Tonks, Fred and Remus, it was a little different, since at that point everyone was fighting, not for Harry or because of any mistake on Harry's part, but because the fate of Wizarding Britain hinged on that battle. I guess I'd have liked more of an explanation of Harry's grief-twisted logic. Taking Harry's guilt for granted might be relying on fanon too much, but maybe I'm being nit-picky. :)
I love Hermione's interactions with McGonagall, too! This is a wonderfully written first chapter to your story and I look forward to reading further. I sort of love trio fics. Hah, hah.
AetherAuthor's Response: First of all, thank you so much for reviewing so fast after my request :)
I'm glad you found Hermione's reaction normal, because I have had some feedback saying that there were more important issues than that, which I didn't necessarily agree with as I think family was a priority for everyone after Voldemort's death.
Harry's guilt. Yes, it might be relying on fanon a bit... At the same time, even in the books, he's always seemed to want to carry the world's grief on his shoulders. That's what I wanted to portray here. I think the way he copes with his despair is by feeling guilty, in a kind of masochistic way. You're absolutely not being nit-picky!
Yes, Hermione and McGonagall, the two strong, smart witches. In my mind, the latter was always, not directly of course, Hermione's mentor, and it only seemed natural for them to grow closer than just teacher-student. I think McGonagall identifies herself to Hermione, and you'll probably be seeing more of the two of them working as a team in the future.
Thank you for the review! :) Report Review
I was glued to the screen the whole time. Your writing is incredible. The way you characterize Cho made me actually like her, which is weird for me. Even though I'm a Ravenclaw, I've always sort of not liked Cho Chang (don't shoot me!). This story was so flawless though, and you the way you gave Cho so many depths really resonated with me.
Through your description, I could really feel her sadness and how quiet and confined her world had become since Cedric's death. I love how you describe how Cho's classmates's stares "faded to worry then pity then indifference." And, really, everything, from the bobbing quills to the daydreaming was very well written. I think I could re-read this a million times. Great work! You're a really excellent writer.
AetherAuthor's Response: Ah, thank you! :) I haven't really looked back at this oneshot since the House Cup, and it's nice to revisit it.
I didn't like Cho until wrote her pov for the first time, about two years ago, and it changed my views on a lot of characters in the books that never really got their chance to shine or be more than an annoying side character. They are all veterans of the war.
Thank you! I love thinking of description for oneshots; I don't get to write as dreamily elsewhere ^__^ I'm glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
Hi, it's Aether from the review tag.
This is a really dramatic piece. I feel that the details and description in this story really enhance the angst that Sirius feels. I think, for some reason, the part where you say that the "bitter cold gusts of air couldn't numb him forever" really solidified everything that Sirius was feeling.
I could really feel for him, especially when he pulled up to the house, even though I already knew what he'd find.
In the beginning of the one-shot I was a little confused about what was happening. I felt like one moment he was reading the parchment, and the next he was in the air. Maybe a transition would clear that up?
Either way, excellent one-shot!
AetherAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this wonderful review! This is such a heart breaking moment for me to think about! Hmm I will definitely look into adding more of a transition, though with the every word counts challenge it has to be exactly 500 words (apart from the AN) so I'll also have to see what I could remove..
Anyway, thank you so much for this wonderful review :)!!
Jami Report Review
Nice chapter! I was surprised when Lorcan told Molly that she 'couldn't keep living like this.' What happened to 'you're wonderful the way you are?' I feel like Molly seems to be really lacking in social confidence, but I think she's got her head screwed on right, which is more to say than her sister or those jerks at the party. :) Lorcan seemed a little out of line and shallow in that part. Or, was Lorcan referring to her home life issues? Just a thought!
This is a really wonderful story. I'm definitely adding it to my favorites. Excellent job! 10/10
AetherAuthor's Response: Chapter 3 is still under-going re-writes. Me and my beta (shout-out to my lovely friend luvinpadfoot) are working hard on it. YAY! She does lack self-confidence... MAJORLY! I am so glad you picked up on that because it will become SO important later. Lorcan... eh. I still haven't really gotten a sense of him, so more re-writes and better development to come... don't worry! I want you to love him, because the way I see him is ADORABLE and I just need to work on conveying that to you :)
Thank you so much for reviewing all 3 chapters. Do me a solid and yell at me if I haven't updated this story in a week over on the forums! :)
(YAY for 3 way too long authors responses with me rambling!)
~Camillia Report Review
Wow. Just wow. This story is amazing. I seriously am so glad I'm doing the review battle now because I wouldn't have found it otherwise. The way you portray Molly is refreshing and wonderful. It's clear that you've really thought about all your characters - from Lucy to Molly's parents to Lorcan. I love how excited Molly was about getting Prefect, and I also like the angsty bit about her family at the end. The whole situation and all the characters are really relatable and realistic.
I'm really enjoying this story so far!
AetherAuthor's Response: THANK YOU! I hope you didn't feel like you had to review every chapter! I am so glad you think that. I struggled a lot with Molly's character BECAUSE she was so un-written I guess you could say :) I TREASURE your comment about characters... I wish you could see all of my character maps and bios... I put a ton of work into it and I am so gratefull that it came across. That angsty little part was recently added to again alienate Molly to set her up for going back to Hogwarts but also to see a bit more of Molly's voice that lacked in the first version ;) I should hope they are realistic... The whole punch accident happened to ME! :) Report Review
Hi, I'm here from the review battle. This is a really great start to your story. I could really feel for Molly in this chapter, and I don't think there are enough stories about Molly, either. :)
I feel really bad for her! I can't believe how mean those sixth years are to her in this chapter. Does she have any friends, other than her cousins? Or do they not like those sorts of parties?
I'm excited to read more and see where this goes!
AetherAuthor's Response: Hello there fellow RAVEN! :)
Thank you so much for your review. She may very well have had friends/cousins but the point was to set her up for failure and alienate her from everyone else. :/ You'll understand later :P Thank you for your time and reviews! You ROCK MY SOCKS!
(Hides in embarasment because I actually just said that...) Report Review
Hi, I'm here from the review swap. Wonderful one-shot! I'm sort of curious about what Scorpius was thinking that night, too. Maybe he'd been building up the courage the whole time, just for that moment with Rose. This was really well-written and sweet. Also, it's very original to see such an angsty Rose Weasley. I'm used to seeing her as really outgoing.
I was sort of put-off by the "members of the opposite sex" thing in the first paragraph of the one-shot. It seemed like a bit of an awkward and strange thing to say, though I guess maybe Rose is a bit awkward in this story?
Otherwise, though, the flow of this story is really excellent, and I saw no grammar errors either. This is very well-written. Great job!
AetherAuthor's Response: Yeah that bit is rather awkward now that I think about it. I may go back and change it so its not so awkward. I'm thinking about writing another oneshot about this that would be from his pov though i'm not sure yet. thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! I'm glad you liked it!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Hi, I'm from the review tag on the forums. From the beginning, this is a very intense story, even though there isn't any dialogue in it. The language, the short choppy sentences, and the way you describe the unpleasant surroundings just completely enhances the story. I can really get a sense for Snape's bitterness and anger in this story.
That being said, I was a bit weirded-out in the sense that I guess I've never really seen Snape like this... Hmmm... I guess it's possible for canon to reflect this sort of Snape, and if this is how you see Snape, then I know why you hate him. Hah hah. It's very easy to tell from this one-shot that you don't like Snape. ;) Maybe I'd be more into believing this was Snape if it didn't feel like it could be just any Muggle creep.
Anywho, I felt that this one-shot was very well-written. You did an excellent job of setting the scene and mood of this story, especially considering that you didn't use any dialogue at all to do it. The pacing and flow is excellent. Nice work!
AetherAuthor's Response: Hey!
I'm glad you appreciated the language. I have a lot of fun playing with it when I write, which doesn't always work.
I will admit that this is less "young Snape" and more "young Snape + hormones + leather jacket + the angsty music caoty likes to listen to". But I s'pose I was trying to make him more teenagery. Or something.
Thank you so much for reviewing these 600 or so words of Snape-bashing, it really does mean a lot. :)
Nice job on this chapter! It's well-written, and I see very few grammar errors. I might've liked more of a warning about Kat being a Quidditch player though. I feel like it came out of left field, though maybe I just forgot about the foreshadowing in early chapters.
You did a nice job of describing the action during the tryouts. The flow and pace was perfect and left me on the edge of my seat.
I'm excited to see where this story goes. ;) It's so funny how flustered and obsessed with Lysander Kat is. I hope she manages to break out of that soon!
Nice job and good luck with the rest of your story!
AetherAuthor's Response: Thanks! I did mention it in chapter 2, but maybe I should have her dwell on it a bit more to make it stand out. Thanks for pointing that out!
Great! I've really been working on my descriptions, so I'm glad to hear you liked it and it was exciting!
I think Kat will start getting a little more relaxed...maybe ;)
thanks so much again for your review, I really appreciate it! Report Review
Nice chapter! I'm so sorry for my super-late review response to your request. :-/
You do a nice job of introducing Tobias and his wife. You really capture his point of view, as well, concerning the fall of Voldemort. I can tell that he really believes celebration to be insensitive. I think maybe he's sort of blind to how relieved people are though. During Voldemort's reign they lived in constant fear that they'd come home to a dark mark hovering over their house or something like that. I imagine that everyone feels profound relief. I'm surprised that Tobias didn't seem to show any of that. You set up Tobias as being very sensitive to other people and sort of selfless as well.
You do a great job of setting a scene - your description is excellent, and I love how you add little bits like Fudge leaving the office or Crouch being a party-pooper. :)
Wonderful chapter! It flows well against the last chapter, and I'm excited to see where this story goes.
AetherAuthor's Response: Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. :/
I'm glad you like Tobias. He's an interesting character, and one I'm still entirely trying to figure out, but he becomes more clear as time goes on. He understands how people lived with the reign of Voldemort - he lived that way too - but at the same time, he's shocked that no one seems upset that two people died and a baby was orphaned. Everyone's like, "Hooray! He killed the Potters and now he's gone!" He's relieved for sure, but mostly he's just upset that nobody cares about the cost of it all. Sure, it means that no one else will be dying, but a human life is a human life and their death shouldn't be overlooked like it is.
Anyway, that's how he feels, and you'll see more of that in the next chapter (when I find a time to write it, that is).
I'm glad you like the description, as that's something I often struggle with. Haha, yes. I love including canon characters on the side, just so you can see where everything fits in with the canon word, etc.
Thanks so much for the review, and once again, sorry it's taken me so long to reply. D:
- Adele :) Report Review
Hi it's Aether here from the forums again. I looked back, and it seems that someone from a different account (Imsocorkyy) requested it. Hah, hah. Weird!
This was a nicely written chapter. I think you do a great job of capturing the rivalry between Lucius and Narcissa. Also, you've left me wanting more because of the promise of an exciting night. I hope that they don't kill each other! Hah, hah. ;)
Now for the more critical part. This is all personal preferences and ideas for how I feel this story could be made more interesting and engaging. I feel like this story could use a bit more creativity. This may be a matter of personal preference, but I feel that things are a bit predictable, and I feel that I've read many stories with this general formula.
Narcissa's friends are like many other OCs I've read on this site. They're beautiful, fiery, pureblood and rich, with very few flaws. I can tell that you love your OCs very much, but sometimes that affects how realistic they are.
As an author, I like to treat characters like friends, not my children. I take a step back and consider what makes them different and interesting. I've had some great friends, but I certainly didn't love everything about them. They had flaws. Maybe they weren't pretty, maybe they spoke out of turn all the time, maybe they couldn't keep a secret, maybe they weren't always nice, maybe they spent too much time obsessing about grades - but I appreciated them for those flaws. It was part of them, just as much as their good traits. It makes them real. Narcissa's friends sound like movie stars. I don't feel like I really know them, even with Narcissa's description of their hair, eyes and spirit. It falls a bit flat for me.
What creative bit can you add to their character? I'm often inspired to write characters like people I've met in real life. That definitely helps me a lot in thinking about personalities and keeping characters original and engaging.
Also, at this point the plot feels a bit formulaic: Boy and girl hate each other, Boy and girl eventually talk and it out, They fall in love. (with a lot of stuff in between). This is fine. Many romantic novels follow general formulas set down by publishing companies. I just feel, personally, that it hinders creativity.
This is just an opinion, and it's not meant to be a 'this is how it's supposed to be' critique.
I think you're doing a great job of showing the rivalry between Narcissa and Lucius, and there are no obvious grammatical errors in this chapter that I picked up on. I think you've written a nice story so far, and thanks for requesting! I hope my comments are helpful. :) Keep writing!
AetherAuthor's Response: Hello Aether!
Yes, at the time, I didn't have an account on the forums, so my friend had requested reviews for me. Very sweet of her :)
I appreciate the honesty you expressed about my characters, and though I do love them, I can understand where you are coming from. Their characters will develop further in the coming chapters, so hopefully that counts for something.
Also, I'll have you know that this isn't a typical cliche story where they simply just fall in love after spending some time with each other. I already have the story written, and there are quite a few bumps on the road, the biggest one to come yet. But once again, I appreciate your advice to the max.
Thanks a bunch xx Report Review
Hi it's Aether here from the forums. This one-shot is absolutely beautifully written. I love the flow of it, and I think you do a great job of characterizing Lily. Your level of detail and pace is perfect, and you had me from the beginning until the end.
I really don't have too many critical things to say, which is rare for me, so kudos on that. Hah, hah. On your 'areas of concern' section, you said that this story wasn't chronological, but I didn't notice that it jumped forward and back in time ever. Did you change it, or did I completely miss that?
You really capture the characters and emotions very well, and the flow is excellent. However, the end felt a bit underwhelming to me. I was worried about Harry, but I knew he wouldn't die. Maybe I was expecting to see the very end, when Voldemort casts the final curse. I felt a bit like 'this isn't over' at the end.
Though, I guess you were original in not ending with Voldemort. It was a bold move, and I can see that it shifted the focus to James, Lily and Harry as a family, rather than Voldemort as a villain.
Nice job! Easily a 10/10.
AetherAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Thank you for the review! I'm so glad you liked the flow and my characterisation of Lily. It's lovely to know that you thought the pace and details were good, too.
I had two flashbacks in the story -- when Lily remembers about her first time having sex with James and then the night when Harry was conceived and they had forgotten to cast the contraceptive charm. Haha, if you missed it, it's a good thing, lol, because it wasn't confusing :)
I see what you mean about the ending. I had a lot of issues with it, and I understand that it was a bit underwhelming. But, ha, I didn't want to do the whole Voldemort thing, either, as that would be dipping into dangerous waters of cliche. However, I did intend for it to be "this isn't over" -- the whole story is about James and Lily's rocky relationship and the struggles they had in their family life, so it wasn't about having a happy ending as such.
I'm really flattered that you liked it! Ta for the review and have a lovely day :D
~Soraya~ Report Review
Hi there! It's Aether from the forums here with your review. :) I've actually never read a Lily II/Scorpius fanfic, so I was excited to open this story.
This was a short chapter, though, and I was left wondering about certain aspects of this story. This may just be a matter of personal preference, but I like knowing where in the canon-verse this story is set. I like references to the Harry Potter series.
For instance, details like how Lily's relationship with Scorpius is perceived by the Potter family are important to me. Or, what are Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley doing these days? What year are they in at Hogwarts (and how much younger is Lily II)?
I feel that you've set up the main focus of your story in this first chapter very well, but you didn't give me a great feel of how this story is set. I feel that detail could only enhance your story, at this point. In fact, the argument between Lily and Scorpius could be even more powerful if you gave more of a context to their relationship. When did they meet? First kiss? Funny anecdote? Etc...
However, I absolutely love how you describe Lily's uncertainty and grief about Scorpius breaking up with her. You really do a great job of capturing her heart and emotions in this scene. I felt that everything from the third person narration to her dialogue made perfect sense.
A few things were confusing to me in this scene. As a writer, I know I'm guilty of this all the time. I write things that make perfect sense to me, but don't get through to the readers. First, I was confused about the 'explosion' in the beginning? How did the owl explode when it delivered the letter? Sorry, if that sounds like a stupid question, but I read over it a few times and couldn't figure it out. Also, what are "thick" tears? Maybe more description of how the tears were thick would make it more obvious to readers like me. Were they thick with emotions? Thick on the parchment? Sorry, I'm probably thinking too literal. Hah, hah.
Anyway, excellent first chapter, and I'd be very excited to see how this story goes. I think you have a great idea here, and I'd love to read a Lily/Scorpius fanfic. This has some great potential! I hope some of my comments were helpful. :) 10/10
AetherAuthor's Response: Thanks Aether :D I love long reviews.
First of all, thick tear... *Oops* They're just... Thick on parchment. Sorry about that. The owl actually, smashed on the window. Again sorry if it was confusing *Blush*
Oh the details are in the first chapter. Sorry about the wait but it's actually more fitting there (You'll see) All the spicy details will follow :P Hehe I wanted to make this mysterious... And ended up making it confusing. Sorry about that.
Thank you for all your insight love. I really appreciate it :D
*Hugs* Report Review
Great one-shot! I love reading about Cho Chang. I thought this was a very creative story, and I love how you created this broom-racing contest. It makes a lot of sense that the wizarding world would have competitions like this, and now you've got me thinking about all the potential for stories behind that idea. I also really liked how you are exploring Cho after Hogwarts. I thought it was really interesting that she had fallen in love with a Muggle woman.
I might've liked to have met that woman in the story, or to have learned more about how she felt about being abandoned her family and friends. I also felt that the broom race could have had a faster pace. When I was reading, it felt a little sluggish. I think it might be due to the large blocks of paragraphs. They slow the reader down, which is good sometimes, but it might be counterproductive for describing a broom race. Dialogue can also speed up the pace of the chapter, even if it's just Cho yelling out curses or something like that. It also could have been interesting if Cho had some sort of rapport with her competitors (which would also give dialogue). These are just suggestions. I felt like the chapter dragged just a bit, which felt strange because this was a race.
I feel like you did a great job of incorporating all the prompts. I love the part about dragon blood being used to clean ovens. Hah, hah. :)
I'm here from the review requests section. I'm so sorry for the lateness of my review.
Nicely done! Very creative and well-written. :) 10/10
AetherAuthor's Response: Hey!
Thank you! I'm glad you like Cho Chang, since a lot of people don't like her. To be honest, I only threw in the muggle woman because I needed a reason for why Cho was there at the competition and why she wanted to win (for money). My thinking led me along the track to.. why would she need money? The only reason I could think of was estrangement from her family, and hence, the muggle woman. I'm glad to hear that it fit though - I wanted to build a background of Cho and have her in the competition for a reason (not just because it fit the plot). Cho and the muggle woman definitely would've been interesting to explore but it wasn't really a developed idea, I wanted to focus on the broom race, and for the sake of word count (since this was written for the House Cup challenge) it wouldn't have been possible.
I'm also really happy to hear that you thought it was creative, though to be honest, I didn't exactly create the broom-racing contest - it's an event mentioned in Quidditch Through the Ages :) But yeah, I agree that the potential for stories like this is wide and I'm so glad I stumbled onto it on HP Wiki!
That was probably one of the things I was most worried about - the pacing, the action and whether it would be exciting or boring, so thanks for the feedback! Oh yeah, I definitely do have huge blocks of paragraphs - at the time I was writing I couldn't really break it up into smaller ones - and I didn't want lots of too small paragraphs. However, I will definitely go back and have a look! And the suggestion of dialogue is also a really great one - the point you make is actually brilliant. Thank you so much for the suggestions and honest CC - they definitely help and I really, really appreciate it. Thank you so much for the fantastic review! :)
- Charlotte Report Review
Yay! An update. :) I think the way you portray Dorcas's transformation after the death of her sister is really realistic and believable. I can really feel for her. This is beautifully written!
If you're still having trouble with formatting, there are some posts in the forums about it, I think. Also, there's an author on HPFF called 'Staff' that was created to show tutorials. They have a new tutorial on formatting that might help.
Great chapter! I'm eagerly awaiting the next. :)
AetherAuthor's Response: Oh, thank you so much for your review!
Dorcas definitely had a transformation after Amber's death. This was only a taste of it honestly. The last few chapters it gets worse and worse.
I'm having a bit of trouble with formatting, but I think I might have a solution. If that doesn't work, I will definitely check out that tutorial, thanks! I knew they had tutorials, but I didn't know they had one for formatting.
~Cassie Report Review
I love reading stories with Luna in them. This was beautifully written. I could really feel Luna's emotions in the story, and you did a great job of setting up the story and showing how it unfolded from Rolf and Luna's points of view. :)
It's well-edited, and I don't see any grammar mistakes, which I love. :) I feel like the spacing between some of the paragraphs could be fixed to improve the flow of the story, but that's just a technicality (and it's very frustrating to figure the spacing thing out).
You have great description, too, and you do a great job of describing setting. I love your idea with the emerald. I've never heard that particular part before, though - is that an actual legend, or did you make it up for the story?
AetherAuthor's Response: Thanks for stopping by and leaving a review, I really appreciate it :)
Well the emerald is supposed to symbolize faithfulness and (according to my crystal book) when it changes colour it symbolizes unfaithfulness. Report Review
Wow. That was really intense. I was nearly in tears, which is saying a lot because I don't usually get that committed a story. You are a fantastic writer, and Dorcas is a really great character. It's extremely refreshing to see such a strong and well-rounded female character lead a story. I'm definitely adding this to my favorites.
I'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes next, and how her sister's death will change Dorcas. Will she be able to turn to someone else, finally? Or will she isolate herself further? How will her mother react?
Oh my gosh I love this story! :) There's so much potential for drama and character development, I'm on the edge of my seat hoping for an update.
One small comment: numbers under 100 should be written out in writing (example: seventeen, twenty-five, 101).
Really excellent story! 10/10
AetherAuthor's Response: I'm not going to lie, I cried when I wrote it. This chapter was such a struggle for me; I hit the end of the last chapter, and didn't write for a week. I didn't want to face what had to happen next, and refused to for a little while. Finally, I sat down one night and wrote it all.
Thank you so much for your compliments. I'm delighted you added this to your favorites, an update should be in the queue in the next day or so.
Dorcas will undoubtedly be changed by Amber's death, as anyone could predict. For her, it is essentially a life ending event.
Ah, I'll have to go back and look for where I made that mistake! I do plan on editing some of the earlier chapters soon, to fix things such as formatting, so thank you!
I'm so glad you enjoyed, and thank you so much for all the excellent reviews!
~Cassie Report Review
Ah, Dorcas has met her match. The rivalry between Dorcas and Bellatrix promises to be very exciting. I'm sorry for my comment earlier about Dorcas not having a very exciting opponent. I can see now that she doesn't take anyone seriously, even when she's losing. I sometimes get a little trigger happy when it comes to enemies that aren't powerful enough. Someone once told me that the strength of the villain/opposition is what makes a story, and that's sort of guided me ever since.
What sort of protection is Dorcas giving her sister? Is she really cocky enough to believe that Bellatrix won't come after Amber? And if there isn't protection, why hasn't Bellatrix gone after Amber?
I was under the impression that Ted Tonks was a Muggleborn, not a Muggle. This is just a quick correction. I keep seeing references of him being a Muggle in fanfiction, but I've checked Lexicon and he's a Muggleborn.
Reading on! Great chapter. I can't leave a long review now because I really need to see what happens next... 10/10Author's Response: Bellatrix has always been Dorcas' match, she just didn't want to admit it to herself. Soon, however, she'll have no choice. And yes, I'm so glad you got that point, because she doesn't take anyone seriously, and it turns out to be a major character flaw. 99% of the time I agree with you though, the villain needs to be a worthy adversary.
Dorcas is very cocky. Though she does have some protection around Amber (like I mentioned, no apparating into the house), she also relies on her mother's distaste for, and subsequently, isolation from, the wizarding world. Mrs. Meadowes herself put a lot of effort into distancing herself from the wizarding world, to the point that herself and her family are hidden away quite well. Even still, there isn't a lot of protection around Amber. Dorcas is operating under the hope that distancing herself is the best way to protect Amber. Though Bellatrix knows of her existence, she doesn't know where she is. If she finds her, however, there is no saying what would happen.
You are absolutely right, Ted Tonks was a muggleborn. Honestly, I'm not sure if I intentionally put it in like that at the time (taunting Bellatrix, Dorcas said it that way deliberately to make the situation look worse and thereby infuriate her) or if it was just a typo. Either way I am going to fix it when I edit this chapter (which I have yet to do) because I don't like inaccuracies.
Thanks for the review :)
~Cassie Report Review
Wonderful chapter. I love Dorcas's relationship with Amber. :) I'm very scared for Amber, though. Dorcas really messed up when she taunted Bellatrix like that. :/ I hope little Amber is okay. I also wonder how angry Dorcas's mother will be when she finds out about Bellatrix's newest target. Reading on... :) 10/10
AetherAuthor's Response: I also love Dorcas and Amber! And yes, this entire story could potentially not even be possible if she hadn't taunted Bellatrix, but she is the type who she would have had to, and didn't realize the consequences until later.
Mrs. Meadowes is so unpredictable, but I can't imagine she will be pleased.
Glad you enjoyed!
~Cassie Report Review
Great second chapter! I'm really enjoying this story. :)
Formatting issues are difficult to fix, but definitely worth it. The huge spaces between the paragraphs are a distracting, and they definitely mess with the flow. This is sad because you're story is really good, and being distracted by all the spaces makes it harder to read.
I really like how great Dorcas is at dueling, but I feel like everything's more exciting and suspenseful when the main character is being challenged or the enemy is also powerful. Even just prolonging the battle a bit, or a giving a sense of danger to Dorcas's well-being might make the battle scene more exciting. Also, it would be more realistic because battles are very unpredictable. You could be really skilled and coordinated. However, if you make one wrong move, and you're opponent catches you off guard, you're in big trouble. I just had the sense that Dorcas wasn't taking her opponent seriously, so why should the reader take this threat seriously? Just a thought. I don't want to impose my opinion about plot too much.
I love the relationship between Mad Eye and Dorcas. I also feel like they share a lot in common. I never got the sense that Mad Eye had a whole lot of friends either. Did he introduce Dorcas to the Order?
Nice job! Reading on...
AetherAuthor's Response: I honestly couldn't agree with you more about the formatting issues, but I'm not very good with that aspect of the site. It's something I definitely plan on spending the time to fix in the near NEAR future though.
I see from your most recent review that you got the point I was trying to make with Dorcas and her opponents. A major character flaw of hers is that she does underestimate every opponent. She doesn't take anyone seriously, because she doesn't honestly believe they will beat her.
I love Mad Eye, and in my head, he definitely did introduce her to the Order, but I'm not sure if I ever outright say it.
I'm glad you enjoyed!
~Cassie Report Review
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