This was a BEAUTIFUL end to the story. Phenomenal, honestly. It was so bittersweet to see her reconcile with Draco after all that time. To see them finally be at peace with one another. I got a twinge of sadness though, when reading that moment shared between her and Ron. Poor guy. Hopefully he finds his own happiness soon enough!
I especially loved the wedding scene. It was beautifully described and seemed so happy. I like how it contrasted so much with the wedding between Hermione and Ron--not set in a church, not wearing a traditional white wedding gown, Hermione pregnant and truly happy this time. It symbolizes the truth and happiness of this wedding as opposed to the one with Ron, and all the possibilities for their future together.
Loved it! Honestly, there was no better way you could've wrapped this up.
BriAuthor's Response: Yay! You reached the end of the story and you liked it!! I was and am so proud of this story and I'm so glad you were able to enjoy it with me. :)
The wedding and it's comparison to the other one was my favorite part to right since it just compliments the original story that started it all.
Thank you so so much! Report Review
This was so sad :( I teared up while reading it, but I still enjoyed it very much. You get the emotion of what's happening across beautifully and I noticed very little spelling or grammar mistakes. I was drawn in immediately and couldn't stop reading right up until the very end. As the reader, I could truly feel the pain Ginny and the rest of the family must have been feeling as they watched Lily deteriorate and eventually die.
You also raise an interesting question--can spells truly have this effect? Can they go wrong? I don't see why not. It must be a frightening prospect in the Wizarding world.
One thing I thought was a bit odd, though: If Lily were on her death bed, would she be able to move her head around and speak the way she did and roll over? I've seen many sick people. Some of them people who had been suffering from cancer for years and were not going to make it, and even when they weren't so close to passing, they were unable to do even simple things like roll over without assistance. I think at the most someone in that condition would be able to open and close their eyes, maybe speak a bit (a bit incoherent) and shift their head slightly from side to side, maybe lift their arm weakly. Incorporating that might make the scene seem more believable. It just struck me as odd and a bit unrealistic that she had so much mobility when she was literally seconds away from death.
Lovely story though! It brought tears to my eyes.
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hey thank you for the review!
This chapter has been beta'd so I'd hope there are no spelling and grammar mistakes and I'm glad you were drawn into the story and understood what they were feeling.
I liked the question of this as it has always really intrigued me. There are many things which should work properly but can go wrong so I thought it could work the same even within the magical world.
I based the death of Lily on the death of one of my relatives so I can say it is perfectly believable that they can move their head whilst on the deathbed after cancer because I've seen it happen myself. Especially if the deterioration was quick rather than spread over a period of years.
I'm just glad you liked it!
Wow! I really liked this. Your writing is excellent. The words have a wonderful flow to them and get the emotion and description across perfectly. I almost never read song-fics or stories centered on Voldemort, yet here I am reading a combination of the two and I loved it!
Excellent job. This is going in my favorites. :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm very flattered that you liked the story, especially when it was somewhat out of your comfort zone as a reader. (It was definitely out of mine as a writer!)
I'm just so happy you thought enough of it to favourite it! Thank you so much for that, and for the feedback! Report Review
Finally Hermione knows why he left! I'm really interested to see what happens now that she knows--will she still go through with marrying Ron? Will she try and rekindle things with Draco? I feel like she'll want to try something, considering he was the only thing she could think about during her wedding. And now she knows it wasn't his fault!
You're very good at getting the emotions across in your writing. I could feel the awkwardness and tension when Draco was around Hermione yet acting like she wasn't there, and the pain he must've been feeling upon seeing her with Ron.
Lovely chapter again, and looking forward to reading 7! I hope this isn't the end for Draco and Hermione! :(
BriAuthor's Response: Hee, you obviously know what happens next but I'm glad that all the emotions came off fine to you! Report Review
Lovely addition! I loved the little kissing scene in the kitchen, haha :P
I thought the conversation between Hermione and her mother was a bit odd, though. I think her mother would've been much more confused about Hermione's questions and wouldn't have launched straight into an explanation like that. After all, Hermione's supposed to know everything already! Also I think Draco would know what Florida is. Places in the world are not just muggle things. Wizards live everywhere and Draco has lived on the planet his whole life so wouldn't he know of other places in the world, especially such a well know place like Florida?
Lastly, remember to proofread! There were quite a few grammatical and spelling mistakes, and I noticed places where words were being mixed up (there/their/they're, are/our, etc).
I still loved it though! Can't wait for Chapter 17!
Bri, xx Report Review
Here from the Review Battle! :)
Oh my, James is getting into trouble already! Haha he sure needs to watch himself. I'm still really liking how you portray the Marauders. All their personalities seem perfect, especially Sirius'! I think it's really sweet that she likes Remus though, he's always been my favorite Marauder :)
I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling mistakes, so bravo on that! The story draws me in more and more with every chapter, I can't wait to see where the Sirius/OC and Remus/OC bits listed in the description take us!
Lovely writing, keep it up!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: James is such a troublemaker! Why waste time being obedient when there is so much ruckus to be caused? ;)
I'm so happy you like my portrayal of the Marauders, and I'm ecstatic that you think it's perfect, especially Sirius's :) Remus is the most tame of the Marauders, which is why Angie likes him so much, haha. Remus is my favorite Marauder, too ;D
I'm glad to hear that you didn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes! In addition, it's great hearing that I'm doing a good job.
Thanks so much for a lovely review (as usual ;])! xxx Report Review
I really like how this was written. Everything seemed vague and disconnected, but artfully done, which gives it an almost dreamy and reflective quality. I also love the second person point of view, since that's not often done!
It was so sad how Teddy could tell their relationship was slowly disintegrating. You could really feel how confused and sad he was, then only to see the relief he felt once it was over. This was very emotional and well written on your part. Lovely job!
This is going in my favorites :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hello there!
Ooh yes - dreamy and reflective - I quite like that description of it! Second person has become almost like second nature to me, I write it so much. For this series in particular, it tells the story more, and it makes you as a reader feel more involved.
To tell you the truth, this could have gone much worse. If you read the one from Rose's perspective, she thought the same thing, only she refused to admit it. He knew her well enough not to live in a dream world like he did in the past. He also learned from past experiences that it was enough to let them go. If he really looked, he would find that it was there all along. Maybe they were both trying something new, only to have it fizzle and die in the end.
I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
Thanks for reviewing,
Lia Report Review
This was quite amazing. I could truly feel the confusion and pain Snape was feeling as I read this. How he must've been feeling when he discovered Lily's body, when he realized it was all his fault, when he realized he'd have to be reminded of her every single day by Harry's existence.
Snape is a complex character who sacrificed much in his life for the person he loved. You captured all this and more beautifully in your writing. Lovely job. :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing :)
I am flattered that you used the word beautiful when describing my writing.
When I wrote this story I really wanted to capture Snape's pain about Lily well because it was basically what drove his whole life after she died.
I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
Wow. The last bit of this chapter was so intense. The writing seemed a bit rushed at some bits but I think the action and intensity of it made up for it. I love how Draco, Harry and Ron all teamed up together in the face of danger, despite their pasts together. And I love how Draco put aside his doubts in order to save Hermione. You got the desperation of the scene across very well in your writing and I was immediately sucked in to what was happening as I read!
Lovely job! :)
BriAuthor's Response: Hmmm, you may be right on the rushed writing. I was completely inspired on this and had to get it out so I'll definitely take that into account in any edits.
I'm glad that the rest of the chapter was to your liking though! All three men came together because of their love for the same woman, all in different ways yet still the same kind of love. Report Review
Yet another excellent chapter! I can't believe he managed to escape! Did he do magic without a wand, when he performed Expelliarmus? I found it so frustrating when the people at the Ministry weren't taking him seriously enough. Poor Draco! Also I really liked the part where he apparated to the church by simply willing himself to find Hermione. Nothing like this was ever mentioned in the book but I feel like that's something that could definitely happen, since a running theme in the books is that emotion and love can do many things when it comes to magic.
It seems we're finally up to the point where "The Longest Walk of Her Life" ended! Can't wait to see what happens from here!
BriAuthor's Response: Yup, that was some wand less action there! I totally made it up on him finding Hermione through his love for her, but you make an excellent point about magic working in unforeseen ways because of the power of love! I hadn't consciously thought of that but I guess I was subconsciously thinking that! Report Review
Yay, yay, yay! New chapter! :D
Oh my gosh, Rose! I was rooting for her to have a good heart and not go through with it to be honest, that just seems so harsh to mess up Scorpius' chances that way! But it was still hilarious, haha.
Poor Albus can't catch a break with the bread crumbs, eh? And I loved the part about the professors: "They either had to resemble birds, or they just needed to be off their rockers. Bonus points if you fit into both categories." Hahaha! I laughed out loud at that one. :)
I think I spotted a typo--should "fatally infection disease" by "fatally infectious disease"?
Loved it! Can't wait for next week's! I hope Scorpius doesn't hate Rose now D:
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: New chapter indeed! :) I can't say that a lot of people genuinely expected Rose to turn over a new leaf, if my conjectures are correct. Especially considering that she's had a very weak grudge against Scorpius for how long? :P
I'm glad you enjoyed that bit about the professors, too! I completely forgot about that line when you mentioned it, and -- I confess -- laughed aloud upon re-reading it. So thank you for sharing! ;) And thanks for catching that typo, too, you're very good at that!
Next week's chapter is a bit of a revelation -- well, of sorts. :D I'm hoping to see you back then, and thanks so much for letting me know what you thought of this chapter! ♥ Report Review
Here from the Review Battle! :)
This was such a sweet, sentimental little chapter. I liked the goofiness of James and Sirius and how you could tell they were all excited to go back. I loved Sirius' line "I'm already Sirius", haha! You can never make too many puns about his name :)
The bit at the end with her and her father was sweet as well. It's nice to see how attached to him she is. Not many children have that kind of relationship with their parents. It was moving!
This was well written, if a bit short, and I hope to read more very soon! It's becoming more and more intriguing, I want to know how it progresses!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hi! Sorry it's taken me a while to reply :P
Haha, I like to balance the funny and the serious in my chapters, so I'm glad you picked up on that! Hahaha, there's so much with you can do with Sirius, and one of those things is his name - it's great!
I'm glad you thought the end was very moving! I love writing sweet family scenes like that. Don't ask me why, haha.
I'm flattered to know you found this intriguing! Thanks for the lovely review! :D Report Review
Wow! This is fascinating! I really love this so far. Your writing is excellent and it sucked me in right from the very start. I love how you portray Hermione, Ron, Harry, everyone basically, haha. They're all in character and written just as how I'd imagine them in this sort of situation. The "all-business, no-nonsense" attitude you give Hermione is perfect. And the "logs" system the Ministry has in place is so clever!
So much mystery! Did Harry really kill Cho, he just can't remember? Where's Ginny? What's Draco Malfoy have to do with everything? So many questions, I can't wait to find out the answers!
This was honestly really excellent. I'm adding it to my favorites right now and eagerly awaiting Chapter Two. Lovely job! :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
I'm glad you liked the trio. I feel I usually write Hermione very poorly so I really wanted to capture her here and write her in character.
Mysteries are abound, but you'll just have to tune into Chapter Two to find out! Report Review
Interesting take on the Firstborn moments challenge! I wasn't expecting the ending at all, haha. Were you intentionally trying to keep it vague in the beginning? Because for a while there I was under the impression that April was pregnant with Charlie's baby and about to give birth. The realization that it was actually a baby dragon was a bit confusing to grasp, but not terribly so!
I really like the flashback bits. You write them very well. Also, the information on how the dragons hatch their eggs was fascinating, did you come up with that yourself?
Lovely story! You write very well :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response:
Hi, thanks for taking the time to review!
I know, I think I bent the rules a little by making Charlie's firstborn not actually a human baby :P
The stuff about dragons hatching their eggs was made up by me... to tell the truth, I needed it to be more dramatic than Norbert(a)'s hatching, so that Charlie had to rush to be there with April!
I did intend it to be unclear whether it was a human or dragon baby :P I'm glad it surprised you and I hope it wasn't overly confusing.
Thanks again for reviewing and for the lovely compliment at the end: it means a lot to me!
I see you recently posted a new story; I'll have a read of it tomorrow and give you a review too :)
Athene xo Report Review
I really like the interaction between Draco and his father in this chapter. You see a side of Lucious most people don't ever write about, and that's really refreshing. I like how he and Draco bonded here, especially since from the last line it seems Lucius's life is ending very soon. At first I thought it was a little odd that he accepted Hermione and Draco's relationship so quickly even if he didn't approve, but then I realized--he's human too. Despite how he's portrayed by other writers and in the books, he's a person with feelings and apathy. Surely he has some for his own son. So I don't think Lucius was out of character in this, and like I said before, I really like the interaction between him and Draco :)
BriAuthor's Response: I'm glad that Lucius didn't seem too OOC. Because you're right, he's just human. He's got his flaws (a whole lot of them) but there's still something of a heart because, really, from reading the books I could see he at least had pride in his family and a drive to see that his family survived.
Thanks for this! I think, if you keep going, you'll help me reach 100 reviews on this one! :) Report Review
Here from the Review Battle. :)
This was an interesting chapter! I liked seeing Tom meeting new students and really seeing how Hogwarts is, finally. I'm interested in seeing where his relationship with Snape goes as well. Will he become a father figure to him? Guess I'll have to see, haha. I also really like the insight we got into his past in this chapter, about his brother and his last moments, as well as the hatred and bitterness he was surrounded by in his childhood.
I liked how he immediately saw Quirrell for what he is. That's interesting, and it gives a whole new dimension to Tom's character. He's clever and notices things that most wouldn't. But a couple things--you spelled his named "Quarrel" throughout the whole chapter. This is incorrect. It's spelled "Quirrell". Also you might want to tone down on the stuttering a bit. I realize this is easy to get carried away with, it just seems a little overdone. Try re-reading scenes he appears in from Sorceror's Stone for a reference!
Also, the sorting hat. It doesn't speak aloud for the whole Hall to hear while sorting. It simply whispers in the hat so only the one being sorted can hear. Don't get the movie version confused with the books!
A suggestion: I think Tom should show some prejudice towards others, especially those who are not purebloods. Although he doesn't seem to agree with the ideology he was raised around, he was still exposed to it his entire life. It's something he grew up with and for most of his life he knew nothing different and heard nothing but the biased and prejudiced things from his father. This would have a huge impact on him, especially during his childhood years. His personality and ideas about others would most definitely be influenced. This would be a good opportunity for internal conflict, he could be struggling with prejudice and hatred towards others that he doesn't want to have anymore. Or he could be confused on what he's supposed to believe. He just seems too accepting and calm when you think of what he was subjected to as he grew up.
My last little pet peeve... use question marks! During their conversation, Scott asked several questions, put you didn't include any question marks. This is essential. Readers will be extremely turned off from a story if there are glaring grammar mistakes and mechanical errors. Watch out for punctuation!
This story is intriguing. I hope to read more soon. :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review :)
I actually went over this chapter a few days ago and edited a lot of the stuff you pointed out specifically the sorting hat and the question mark thing. Unfortunately it hasn't gotten through the queue yet so you read the rougher version. A day or two more and it wouldn't have been a problem.
As for your suggestion about Tom I think thats actually an interesting take on things. I never thought of things that way. As you'll see later his mother had a rather straight moral compass and I guess I always thought about it like that would have solved all prejudice but now that I think of it you're right it probably wouldn't. Hm I think I'll have to edit that in some how- maybe put in a new subplot with Scott or something.
-Liz Report Review
Here from the Review Tag :)
I must say, this story is drawing me in more and more with every chapter I read. I absolutely love how you've written Draco. He seems very in character, not too changed from his Hogwarts days, but changed enough to make it believable and show he's matured. The interaction between him and Harry was believable, and I love Draco's haughty, superior attitude. It was interesting to see the background of what happened the fateful night of the car crash.
I must say, I really like that this has been from Draco's perspective so far. It's not often you see that in a Dramione. It's refreshing!
I really love the way you write. Can't wait to see where this goes, and I hope Hermione makes some more appearances soon!
BriAuthor's Response: Oh, good. I'm glad you're liking this more as you go along.
With Draco, I didn't want to change him drastically. I wanted to see how I could do a Dramione (maybe, if this turns into one) with Draco still being recognizable. I'm glad that there was a good reception for the Harry and Draco conversation.
I found myself writing in Draco's POV a lot in doing this story and for some strange reason, have found it far easier to do. I think it's because I'm really trying to get into Draco's head, like somehow make it explainable why he's becoming a "good guy" so am spending a lot of time on his side of the fence.
Thanks again for all your nice words! Report Review
This is amazing! I loved reading it. I've never read a fic centered on Charlie before, so I find it really interesting. I love the way you portray him! The scenes with him and Percy as children are adorable :) I loved the little reference to Molly's latest pregnancy as well. Little Fred and George!
Anyways, I really enjoyed this. Your writing is excellent and pulled me in immediately. The intro was beautifully written. You definitely have a way with words. I was enthralled the whole way through, and I must say I can't wait for Chapter Two. I'm adding this to my favorites :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked it! This is different than the few Charlie fics I've read, so I'm glad that you like his portrayal here :) I feel that because I had a good childhood, I appreciate the impact that it has on a person throughout life, and that it's important to remember that, even in fic. Especially, perhaps. And especially where the war is concerned, I feel that Charlie would remember his childhood as a lot of us do in times of trouble.
I'm so pleased to hear that you enjoyed the writing, too. I really love writing and although this is fun for me as much as it is for anyone, I do try to make it nice stylistically. If only for my own tastes :P
I should be updating in a couple days :) Thanks so much for your review!! Report Review
I had to continue reading, so here I am. :)
This was very well written. I liked the darkness of this chapter and the revelation of what was really going on during Draco's long months of absence. You can tell how much he really cares about Hermione, it's heartbreaking to see him have to push her away like that!
The house elf's death was so sad. She was so innocent! I also liked how you portrayed Dolohov's helper (Parsons?). He seemed unique and interesting.
Lovely writing! Can't wait to see what else happens as I continue reading.
BriAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you were able to come by and continue. I'm glad that the darkness didn't throw you off. I definitely wanted there to be a good reason that Draco left Hermione so it had to be something really horrible. Thank you! Report Review
This is very interesting! You always come up with such unique premises for your stories :) I'm jealous! The initial description of the story pulled me in immediately, I don't read many stories set in the Marauders era, and I've almost never read any that feature Peter Pettigrew as one of the main characters. Your writing is excellent. It flows well and there are very little grammatical and spelling errors that I can see.
One thing I noticed, though--you tend to leave out commas where they are necessary. When writing, or even when proof-reading, try reading what you've written out loud. This will help you get a better idea of how the words would sound in the natural cadence of speech, in turn making it easier to tell where commas should be placed. If you pause while reading, this indicates a comma should be inserted. For example: "Here I'll even make it easy for you" would be better written "Here, I'll even make it easy for you". Also watch out for verb-noun agreement. There was one instance where you said something along the lines of "there was four boys", when it should be "there were four boys".
You used the word "due" in reference to someone's hair. I believe the proper spelling would be "do", as this comes from the term "hairdo".
Lastly, I think you should try and make it very clear from the beginning who is narrating this story. Until the middle of the chapter I was under the impression that "Mrs. Pettigrew" was in reference to Peter's mother. I didn't realize we were talking about a potential love interest until Snape and the Marauders were mentioned and realized what time period we were in. It's never said in the books that Peter ever married or had a romantic interest, so I doubt I'll be the only one to make this mistake. Clarifying that might avoid this happening to other readers. I don't even think it's necessary to explicitly say who it is. You could just make it obvious what time period this is set in earlier on in the chapter.
I love the little reference to Harry and Ron here: "You know how it is you sit with someone in the compartment and suddenly you are best friends for life" Haha!
I like the premise of this. :) Nice writing, I hope to see further chapters soon!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review :) To be honest I was really nervous about how this chapter went over. I wrote it and rewrote it 4 times before I got it right. I'm sorry about the comma thing, that's a really bad habit. My English teachers have been telling me this since I was seven (can't you tell how well I've listened to them). I'll be sure to go back over and fix some of these errors though. As the draft your seeing technically hasn't been editted very much I'm suprised you didn't actually see more errors. While I'm editting I'll try and get in the date or something earlier so that hopefully it woun't be so confusinig. As for the idea I was reading some marauders era storys and I was noticing how Peter is always so overlooked and thought he could use the spotlight for once. Thanks again for the review I always look foward to the concrit you give me when I see your user name on the unanswered review list :) Report Review
This was excellent! I've been meaning to check this out ever since I read "The Longest Walk of Her Life" a little while ago, and I must say I'm glad I finally got to it. :) You write Draco excellently! I love your portrayal of him. He seems so dark and brooding and so, well, so Draco. Haha.
It's really interesting to hear the explanation for what's happened from his perspective, after reading it from Hermione's. It answers a lot of questions and things are starting to clear up. Your writing is excellent. I will definitely be continuing onto Chapter 2 :)
BriAuthor's Response: I'm glad you're liking the first chapter of the sequel. Yeah, this obviously is meant to answer all the questions that sprang up from my one shot, though to be honest, I wasn't planning on doing a follow up until so many people asked about it.
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
Wow! This is excellent. I've never read anything like this. I've never even ready a Moody-centric story, let alone a mystery, film noir one. I like it!
I love the way you've portrayed Moody. I think you've got him just right. The characterization is perfect and I love the dialogue. I love the mysteriousness and all the build-up this one chapter has created. One question though--this is set in 1956, correct? Roughly 40 or so years before Moody is introduced in the Goblet of Fire? I feel like he wouldn't have acquired all of his injuries and deformities by this time in his life (wooden leg, deformed nose, magic eye, etc). I'm not saying he'd be perfectly unharmed, but perhaps not quite so roughed up? It makes it harder to imagine him as younger, having acquired all the injuries already. It doesn't take much away from the overall story though, it's just something I noticed.
Once again, this is excellent! I'm adding it to my favorites and eagerly awaiting further chapters. :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Wow, it's great that you checked out this story and that you liked it! It's exciting to hear from people who wouldn't normally read this kind of story, but who have taken the chance anyway, and I appreciate that you took the time. ^_^
You're very right about the injuries he would have had in the 1950's, so I've left the leg (because it will be an interesting thing for him and others to deal with, placing him at a physical disadvantage that would pose difficulty for someone like him - action-oriented, etc.). Thank you very much for pointing that out - I had gone overboard, and hopefully now that aspect of his characterization is more in line with the period. :D I'm really glad to hear that you like his personality. I've had time to develop him in other stories, so I'm building up from there, though injecting some darker tones to better suit the film noir atmosphere.
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I'm working on the next chapter and I look forward to your thoughts on it once it's up. :D Report Review
I'm from the Review Tag :)
Hello, this is an interesting start to your story. The pace was good overall and you kept Draco in character, so I applaud you for that. However, there are quite a few basic things that can be improved upon in order to make this story even better.
First off, is there any other way you can think of for Malfoy to find himself in St. Mungo's, to meet this witch? I was immediately turned off a bit when I started reading this, because Malfoy's mother being sick and/or dying is a bit cliched. I've begun to get the impression that in the fan fiction world Narcissa is a very sickly woman, just because it happens SO often in fics. I'm sure there are other possibilities you could use, unless her sickness is essential to the later plotline!
Also, you need to be very careful with description. It's good for a writer to find the right balance for description in their writing. Always remember this: show, don't tell. Don't say what your character is doing, but rather show what they're doing through description. This can be anything, from using their 5 senses (touch, taste, sight, hearing, smell) or describing their feelings and their body's reactions to certain things (Ex: goosebumps, shivers, butterflies). But at the same time you have to make sure you don't go overboard. Description is wonderful, but limited description is better!
Make sure you watch out for run-on sentences. If you have an especially long sentence that is becoming overrun with commas and the like, trying splitting the clauses into separate, smaller sentences. This will make the writing much more easy to read and appear less cluttered to the writer. Commas are vital to dialogue as well, as it helps add to the natural cadence of speech. Try saying the lines you're writing out loud. If you pause between a word, insert a comma there (Ex: "Fine suit yourself" -> "Fine, suit yourself"). Also make sure your dialogue sounds natural. I noticed in some spots, the words sounded stiff and unrealistic. You seem to omit contractions a lot in your dialogue, and although this is good for something like a research paper, it sounds unnatural when it's supposed to be coming out of a person's mouth.
In the beginning, I noticed this: 'He cared for his mother and they had grown closer since the end of the war, but he hadn't felt this remorseful since Crabbe died in the Room of Requirement five years ago.'
It seems like you're trying to convey that these are Draco's thoughts. However, if these were his thoughts, wouldn't they be in the first person and thinking of what is going on, rather than describing the way he is feeling. Direct thoughts from a character should be written as if they were speaking these words. This is more like a narrative. A better way of saying this could be: 'I can't believe this is happening. What if she dies? What if she's in pain?' This shows the pain he's going through and how it's affecting him. The bit about Crabbe could be included in a narrative directly afterwards, separate from the thoughts. This is just a suggestion, though.
It took a little while for the actual plot line of this story to take effect and get into motion. I'd suggest maybe cutting out the bit between Malfoy receiving the news about his mother and actually going to the hospital, or at least shortening it considerably. You don't need to describe every little thing a character does. This can become tedious and repetitive, and will be a turn off for a reader, as they might get bored. Maybe focus more on the hospital and what's happening later? I'd suggest doing that anyways, since I found the chapter end rather confusing. It was hard to follow what was going. Maybe add more dialogue?
I found it interesting that he'd been so remorseful over Crabbe's death--is this a new side of Malfoy we're seeing? If so, I hope you expand on this more. In the books Malfoy is always portrayed as being removed from those his age, with little to no emotional attachment to Crabbe or Goyle. I'd love to see something other than this typical approach, because I've always had the opinion that there's much more below the surface when it comes to Malfoy!
Overall, I think this story has a lot of potential. I'm interested in seeing where it goes. Please don't take my CC above personally, I happen to be very picky when it comes to writing, and I tend to be a thorough reviewer! Keep writing! :)
Bri, xx Report Review
This is an interesting start. I've been seeing more and more Lavender stories uploaded to the archives--it seems she's finally starting to get some attention! I've always felt she's had a bit of an untold story, being bitten by Fenrir in the battle and all.
I liked reading this. The writing was rough at the beginning and there were definitely some typos, but it seemed to improve throughout the chapter. I'd definitely suggest proof reading several times though, to catch all the little mistakes. Also, watch your sentence length. You use a lot of commas and very long sentences. Try varying between short and long sentences, it makes the story easier to read and less cluttered. Finally, the chapter itself was hard to follow. It was very complicated and confusing and even at the end I'm not sure what was going on. Maybe take it a bit slower? Make sure you fully explain things as they happen.
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: I'm glad she's getting more attention now, because most people don't really consider her as a character but a plot-filler annoying girl and I'd really like that to change. She was also a warrior after all.
I should probably request a beta for this, flow and grammar/errors. I was just worried it'd be hard as I don't really write regularly, or sometimes write more than others, but i guess I really need one though.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a review, it really makes my day and I need all the CC you have! ;) Report Review
Oh my! Julian knows! :O Maybe now Rose can set her sights on Scorpius instead ;D Haha, but once again, lovely chapter! Was it really Scorpius that told him though? I feel like that would be just the Rose sort of thing to do, jump to the wrong conclusions and create a big mess. Maybe it was Albus, trying to get revenge for the whole diaper story??
I loved when she called Hugo her "Flobberworm of a little brother" Hilarious! :)
Can't wait for Chapter 8!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Julian knows, indeed! Although I do approve of how fast your mind switched to Scorpius -- I give you props. :3 As for whether it was really Scorpius, or Albus, or someone else who blabbed -- well, anything's possible. I hope you'll read on to find out!
Hugo is the epitome of a Flobberworm-brother. I can't speak from experience, of course, but the sentiment is right. :3 Hope to see you back for tomorrow's update! Thanks so much for these amazing reviews, Bri! ♥ Report Review
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