Wow. This is excellent. You really have a way with words, I was completely enthralled the whole way through, and that's saying something since I don't typically like reading such long chapters! I really like how you've split it into sections and are jumping around between periods of Sirius' life. It gives it that "memoir" feel. Your writing is fabulous! Every description was so artful and it had excellent pacing, keeping the reader interested the whole way through.
I will definitely be reading more! I love your writing.
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Bri! Hi! Thanks for reading and reviewing :) Sorry I've taken a while to respond, I've got a bad back and can't sit at the computer for long.
I'm so glad that you enjoyed this chapter! I was nervous about writing a longer chapter, as I tend not to like them too - I never know where to start reviewing! But thanks for putting up with it ;) And thanks for the comment on the sections and the jumping around - I was a bit nervous about it as I've been told that 'flow' is a problem in my writing before - but if you could keep up and enjoy it then that's great!
Thank you for the lovely comments :)
Athene xo Report Review
This was an absolutely adorable chapter. Although I love all of this story, I have to say I especially like the Angelina chapters. They're just so entertaining to read.
George is so bashful around Angelina! So unlike him, yet so cute. He should be more confident, he's George Weasley after all! Haha, I'm excited to see what happens between them in their Hogwarts years. I like all the little subtle parallels you're including between 1994 and 1998, like how they danced together in both and sat next to each outside in both. I may be reading into it too much but I'm going to assume it's intentional?
Excited to read more, as always! :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: I've always wanted to write a Ball chapter -- so how better to do so than with the yule ball?? Angelina's chapters are fun ones -- there's something refreshing about seeing the cast of characters so young and carefree.
Yesss. George may be all boasts and brags and jokes and pranks, but around the girl he fancies he certainly clams up quickly. Annnd very good!! I did intentionally include those details to link the chapters. I will admit that not every pair of chapters has links like that, but a lot of them do! You'll have to keep your eyes peeled.
Thank you again for your reviews and I hope to hear from you again, I really do appreciate it and value your opinion. :) Report Review
I'll admit I don't usually read Marauder's era fics, but this one intrigues me. I'll have to read on to see what happens.
As for my thoughts, first off, I have a few stylistic things to point out. It's obvious that this is a humorous story, but remember not to go overboard! In the beginning some of it seemed a bit overdone and was bordering on sounding silly. It did improve by the end of the chapter, though. Also try to keep everyone in character. Both Remus and Lily sounded out of character at times.
Don't forget to proof read as well and avoid run-on sentences. I didn't notice many typos, but there were a few scattered throughout. Try to vary your sentence lengths because a reader can be easily turned off if the sentences become too long and wordy. Short, concise sentences are good too!
Just out of pure curiosity, why did you choose to make Lupin's family poor? This isn't necessarily wrong, as I don't believe we were ever given a really indication of his family's status or wealth in the books, but the impression I was given by JK is that all pureblood families are wealthy, unless they have many children such as the Weasleys. I know he's definitely poor as an adult, but I believe it was said that this is because Wizarding society is prejudiced against werewolves and it was nearly impossible for him to find employment.
I know that it's doubtful you'll change this, as it seems to be a big aspect of the story in future chapters, but the Yule Ball would not have occurred at Hogwarts in any of the years the Marauders were at school. The Yule Ball is only held during the Triwizard Tournament, when the three Wizarding schools come together. It's not an annual thing, and the Triwizard Tournament was discontinued in 1792 due to its dangerous nature. It didn't start up again until 1994.
Overall, though, I really liked the setup of this chapter. I thought the way you introduced everyone near the beginning was clever and interesting, and the little italicized bits (which I'm assuming are Remus' thoughts?) were very funny and enjoyable to read. I'll also admit I laughed out loud at the bit about Knockturn Alley: "Unless you were in the mood to be kidnapped, never venture outside after about 7:00 p.m." Haha! :)
Nice job, keep it up.
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review!
I'm not accustomed to writing humor, so this was one of my first attempts. I will try to improve upon the overdone humor when I go back to edit this chapter.
I currently have a BETA who is helping me revise this chapter, so she can hopefully help me with the mistakes you found.
I've always pictured Remus as coming from a poor family, perhaps due to his lack of money in later life. Therefore, I stuck with this idea and incorporated it into my writing.
I will not be able to change the Yule Ball, audit plays a major part in the upcoming chapters. However, perhaps it was an annual tradition at Hogwarts during the time of the Marauders that was simply discontinued by the time Harry attended.
I'm glad to see you enjoyed the chapter!
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
This was a sweet chapter. I like seeing that George is steadily getting better, no matter how slow that process may be. He deserves to be happy! I do notice, however, that the "George" chapters seem a bit slower than the "Angelina" chapters. I do realize that that may be due to the mood of the chapters and how he's still quite depressed, though, so it doesn't bother me all that much.
I thought the bit about Fred's name being on the envelope was so sad. :( There's always going to be unexpected reminders lying around like that for George, I just hope one day they'll make him smile instead! I also appreciated the little flashback to Hogwarts and Canary Creams, I thought that was artfully done! I love seeing writers building off things that actually happened in the books, but weren't gone into a lot of depth about.
Finally, a few questions. First off, is icebox another word for refrigerator? I'm assuming so, I've just never heard that term before so I'm curious. Also, I forgot to mention this in my review of chapter one, but I believe you said something about Fred having died two months previous? Fred died on May 8, and I see that chapter is set in August, so his death would've been about three months prior. Just thought I'd point that out in case you didn't know!
I'm really liking this story :) Keep up the good work!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Ah, yes. George's chapters do start out a bit slower than Angelina's do. I think it has a lot to do with the mood of the chapter and where George is at emotionally in dealing with his grief over Fred's death. As he learns to deal with it and to accept it and live with it, I'm sure you'll find that they pick up. :)
Ah! I nearly forgot about the envelope thing -- that is really sad, isn't it? :( Poor George. I big goal of mine with this story is to tie it to what little twin canon we do know so that it could for all intents and purposes be an extension of the stories we already know.
And to answer your questions, yes... an icebox is another term for refridgerator -- they were used before the advent of electricity to keep perishables from spoiling. With being a wizard from a pureblood family living in diagon alley, I didn't think it likely that George has electricity or an actual refridgerator in his flat. And Fred actually died on May 2... when the battle of hogwarts took place. the two months mentioned here refers to the two months since George left the burrow to return to his flat. After fred's death he stayed at the burrow until mid-july and then returned to his flat in diagon alley.
I'm glad you're enjoying this story! I know I'm enjoying your reviews. thank you so much!! Report Review
The more I read this, the more I like it! You have a lovely writing style. It flows really well and your characterization of everyone is perfect. No one seems out of character, which is a real accomplishment!
I liked the bit about Lora and her boyfriend. Michael the Muggle, haha. It has a nice ring to it. :)
I also really like how apparently this story will be switching perspectives AND times! It's very intriguing and makes the story so much more interesting to me now. I'm not sure what the purpose of jumping back and forth from the past to the present is, but I'll certainly be reading on to find out!
Lovely writing, keep it up!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Baww. Thank you so much! I think I may be blushing right now. I'm a huge fan of canon and of characters in general, so it is very important to me to create realistic characters that coincide with how they are portrayed in canon.
Michael the Muggle was meant to be a quick, one time joke... but as you continue reading I'm sure you'll notice that the nickname sort of stuck. :P
I had wanted to write a cyclical timeline story for a while before I ever attached that story format to my idea for this story. Basically, Angelina's timeline will run from here up until Fred's death whild George's will extend from Fred's death onward. Hopefully, when it's all said and done, angelina's last chapter will flow smoothly into George's first chapter. :)
Thank you again for your review! Report Review
This was a really cute story. I like the light-hearted premise of it and how it's clear they become good friends after their odd little encounter. I'll admit the beginning, writing-wise, seemed a bit rough in terms of spelling and grammar and whatnot, but it had noticeably improved by the end!
I have a few things I'd like to point out. First off, your sentences could get a bit wordy. Try not to ramble on in one sentence. Rather, cut them down and separate them into smaller sentences that are more concise and more appealing to read. People can be easily turned off it your sentences are too lengthy and become a mouthful. A long sentence here or there is okay to balance it all out, but don't let them completely dominate your writing!
Also, some of the words you were using near the beginning didn't sound right. Affrightedly, for example, is not a word. I've never heard it before and though a few websites came up with "definitions" when I looked it up, it's not in an official dictionary or on any reliable websites. Also, "dived" is incorrect and should be written as "dove". You mentioned "baited breath" at one point, which is correct except for the spelled, which should be "bated". Lastly, when she first bursts in to the broom cupboard and Gideon is confronting her, he says: "Iíve been so unceremoniously interpreted"--I'm thinking you mean interrupted? Sorry for all the nit-picking, but I'm a bit of a grammar/spelling enthusiast!
All that aside, content-wise this was a cute and entertaining story that I enjoyed reading. Not to mention it focused on otherwise ignored characters, which is always good! Nice job. :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thank you for the wonderful and really helpful review! I'm glad you enjoyed my story!
I don't mind the nit-picking at all. I'd rather someone point it out so that I can fix it. I think I put affrightedly in there because I was looking for a similar word and Microsoft Word came up with that as a suggestion. I suppose I just assumed it was a word, haha. I'll get right on fixing that and all the other words!
I see what you mean about longer sentences. It's definitely a pet peeve of mine when authors do that so I'll get right on fixing it!
Thank you again for the lovely review and all its helpful advice.
~cb ") Report Review
This seems really interesting so far. :) I've always loved stories centering around the Weasley twins, as they've always been included in my all-time favorite characters, so I'll definitely be continuing on to read more! I also particularly love stories that are Post-Hogwarts, focusing on the aftermath and how George coped with Fred's death. I can't wait to see where you take this.
One thing I particularly liked--the bit with Ron at the beginning. I like how you portrayed him as a caring brother, reaching out to try and see how George is doing. I feel like a lot of fan fiction writers portray Ron as a bumbling idiot with no tact or common sense, when in fact I think he's very kind and intelligent, especially when it comes to his family and friends. Thanks for portraying him in a different light!
I'll definitely be reading and reviewing more of this. Perhaps not today, but hopefully tomorrow! Lovely writing.
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hello!!
Welcome to the story and thank you for taking time to review!! It really does mean a lot to me. I feel like loads of people love the Weasley twins, but not many people write them. Post Hogwarts is my favorite era to write and to read, so yay!!
Ron has always been one of my favorite characters, so any chance I get to portray him as the kind, loyal character that he is in canon, I will. I'm very glad that you noticed and appreciated it!
Thank you again for your review! Report Review
This is beautifully and hauntingly written. Fred was always one of my favorite characters, and I found his death so sad, especially since poor George was left behind to continue on without him. They did everything together--I can't imagine what it was like for George to realize he was gone.
I always like stories like this, that describe something that was never really addressed in the books. To see how George dealt with the aftermath of his twin's death is something I always wanted in the books, and I think you did a very good job of it. It's refreshing to see that he's not completely devastated and has started to move on, because as sad as it was, staying depressed is unhealthy.
I especially liked the little italicized tidbits at the end of every section. It really showed how George was feeling, and my favorite would have to be: "The only person I've ever relied on was you, Fred". I just found that so heartbreaking.
Poor George. :( Lovely writing, though. Keep it up!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Yeah, I was very sad while writing this :P It was for a challenge where the focus was on 'one' and I immediately thought of poor George, all alone. But of course I couldn't leave it all sad, I don't want George to be depressed for the rest of his life either :) Thanks for the review, glad you enjoyed it :D Report Review
Okay so now that I'm all up to speed this is officially going in my favorites :) I just love this story! It's so interesting!
I cannot wait to see what you have in store for us next. Update soon! (:
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Wow, gosh, thank you so so much! :) I'm so glad you liked it - enough to review all the way through and also to add it to your favourites!
Thank you so much - updates on the way ;)
Aph xx Report Review
Oh my, it appears this book is really taking over. I really like how you're alternating between the two characters. I find Malea very interesting. I can't help but feel bad for her :/ It seems like she doesn't really have any friends, not to mention her infatuation with Rodolphus is worrisome. It's perfectly normal to have school girl crushes and all, but this seems obsessive and unhealthy!
Question: Is Narcissa significantly older/younger than Andromeda and Bellatrix? I was under the impression that she's only about 4 years younger than Bellatrix, but I'm not sure. I'm just wondering because you haven't mentioned her at all, so I can only assume she's not at Hogwarts at the same time as her sisters.
Anyways, as always I'm excited to read on! Excellent writing :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Haha, yeah it kinda is! Alternating is kinda hard - I lose track of where I am with one side and have to go back and check or whatever - but I'm glad you're enjoying it! Malea is... odd but nice, I think is the nicest way to put it, lol. And yeah, her obsession with Rodolphus is a bit creepy - but it's meant to be, so that's good ;)
No, Narcissa's age is the same as in canon - I think it's about four years, like you said - but she just hasn't really come up yet because Malea doesn't really notice her as such. I think she'll come in later, at least in passing. Thanks for mentioning that, though - I hadn't really thought much about Narcissa!
Thank you so much for the review! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Ah, I want to know the meaning of the headaches! Is she becoming almost addicted to the book, like she needs to read it? Or is it because Malea is intruding into her mind? Or both? Also, the bit about the lying at the end...are Malea's personality traits starting to rub off on her?
Must read more! haha
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Gah, this is so annoying! Honestly, I love your reviews so much because they make me smile and dance round the room because people are picking up on things, but then I hate that I can't answer any of your questions without giving things away... seriously. This is making me so so happy (again) :)
Aph xx Report Review
It appears things are heating up! I still can't get over how interesting and original this story is. I absolutely love it. I like how we're progressively finding out more and more about Malea Flint and this past world Molly is diving into every time she picks up the book. And I like how the strangeness of it all is slowly accumulating, almost like symptoms of a disease.
Malea seems an awful lot like Molly...is this perhaps why the book is affecting her so much?
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: It's kinda weird at times, writing two different eras and remembering what has and hasn't happened in each storyline, tbh, but it's kinda fun at the same time... you know, you've actually picked up on quite a lot in this chapter... hold onto those thoughts for later on ;)
Mm... possibly, possibly. I honestly can't say, but it seems like you're fairly well on the way to figuring it all out for yourself, lol :)
Thank you so much for the lovely review and for picking up on so much! :)
Aph xx Report Review
This was a lovely little intro. It seemed very bittersweet and regretful, and makes me want to read more. I absolutely love little "looking back on life" stories such as this, and Remus is one of my all-time favorite characters, so you've definitely got my interest!
I haven't much to say so far, since this was so short and sweet, but I will say I liked the ending line: "Welcome to my wolfish nightmare." Very clever and intriguing.
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thank you for the encouraging feedback! I intentionally tried to keep this prologue on the shorter side and was hoping it would give readers the impression of Remus' regret and sadness. Also, I wasn't extremely confident with the ending of the prologue, so I'm glad that worked out well.
Thanks for the outstanding review,
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
I loved this chapter! It feels like things are really picking up and getting to the heart of the story. I'm so eager to find out what's going on with this book! I like how it has to do with characters we already know from the past, such as the Black sisters and Rodolphus Lestrange. I wasn't expecting that at all, and my curiosity is through the roof now!
Can't wait to read more :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hey there and thanks! :) Yeah, things are beginning to pick up a bit, although you won't get answers to a lot of it until a bit later on. Haha, I love the Black sisters and that whole era, so I just had to include them and they seem to fit in all right... O.o
Thank you again! :)
Aph xx Report Review
This was a very interesting idea! I like the premise and definitely enjoyed reading it. It's always interesting to read a story about life after the war and see how the characters are coping with the aftermath.
I'll admit the Harry seemed a bit out of character at times, but given the nature of the story itself I don't find that all that bothersome. The ending seemed a bit rushed though. Remember, don't try to wrap things up just for the sake of finishing it quickly! Let the story unfold naturally, the way it should, rather than forcing it. I think this story has the potential of being a short story if everything is fleshed out properly. Also, when it comes to description and just writing style in general, remember to SHOW not TELL. A lot of times you would just outright say what was happening or how a character was feeling. For example: "Ron stayed silent, probably because he didnít want to upset his little sister or his girlfriend" is TELLING how Ron is feeling. He doesn't want to speak because he's afraid he'll upset someone. Rather than outright saying this, describe Ron's body language to the reader so they can assume this on their own. You could say something like this: "Ron's mouth set into a hard line as he observed Ginny and Hermione bickering. He said nothing, but fidgeted slightly, glancing almost sympathetically over at the glowering Harry."
So, disregarding the few stylistic things I like to nitpick, I think was well written and flows nicely. Once again, very interesting idea! It was an enjoyable read.
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for the wonderful review! :)
I know it was a very strange and bizarre idea, but after watching a whole lot of Christmas movies and getting attacked by plunnies, I just couldn't not write this! :P
The story's overall strange nature did affect Harry's characterization. In fact, I don't even really think he was this over-emotional after the war. It was just so that the story would make a bit more sense, for him to act this way.
The ending was a bit unnatural, now that you pointed that out. And I completely understand the 'show' and not 'tell' thing. I'll probably edit Ron's action into the story sometime! That was a really good idea. :)
I'm glad you thought this was an interesting idea overall, so thanks so much for taking the time to leave this review. :)
~Rosie Report Review
Once again, lovely chapter :) Your writing style enthralls me. I must keep reading!
I thought it was interesting how you made Louis and Dominique twins, though I'm not really sure why, haha. In most of the fics I've read they make him the youngest, I think. One of the things I like about Next Gen is that you have so much more artistic freedom when it comes the characters and relationships and whatnot. I like how you portray all of the Delacour-Weasley siblings. You've given them each a distinct and original personality. I enjoy reading and learning about them more and more with every chapter. :)
I'll admit, I laughed out loud at the bit where Molly gets so horrified over the thought of talking to a boy. It reminds me of myself to be honest, since I'm already anxious over the thought of talking to people I don't know, let alone boys! It makes her seem like such a girl, haha.
I'm excited to read on and see what this mysterious book holds in store for Molly! The diary bit interests me, was it inspired by Riddle's diary, perhaps?
Thank you for writing such a lovely story (:
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Yeah, I dunno, just they seemed to work so much better as twins - and Louis was the name listed last on JK's family tree, so he's technically the youngest in canon. In this, he's youngest by about five minutes, lol. Gah, thanks again! I do love writing the Next Gen kids because, yeah, you can take them anyway you like and yet it's still a similar enough world, you know? I'm glad you like them all, though.
Haha, I know! It's such a typical response, I think, so I just had to include it. Besides, she's a fairly solitary person so it wouldn't have made that much sense for her to just march up to a boy and start talking, lol.
Ooh... yes... no... maybe ;) Yeah, it was inspired by Tom Riddle's diary - the idea that a book, although obviously we know it was a Horcrux, could hold that much power I thought was pretty fascinating, so I kinda wanted to use a similar idea. Similar, not the same, though ;)
Thank you for leaving such lovely reviews :)
Aph xx Report Review
Lovely, as usual. :) I love how you can keep me as the reader so invested so easily, even when there's very little going on. You just have that way of writing that makes me want to read more! I don't usually like reading chapter that are over 5,000 words long, but I love this story so much that I'm reading them diligently!
Once again, lovely writing! Can't wait to continue on :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Gah, thank youuu! :) Haha, yeah, I tend to write really long chapters where not much happens... I often go overboard with description, so I think that's where the word count goes, mostly... ;)
I don't really know what to say to this apart from thank you so so much! Seriously.
Aph xx Report Review
I'm back! Still really enjoying this story :) You write Molly excellently, it's very believable and you give here an interesting twist. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my previous review, but I really like how you're using second person. It's not very common in writing but you've done it wonderfully! Gives a whole new feel to the story and makes it stick out from the rest.
I must say, Molly really reminds me of Luna, especially since they're even in the same house. She's quirky and always off in her own mind just like Luna, except it seems a little more severely so. It almost seems unhealthy sometimes, and makes me wonder what exactly is to come in future chapters, especially after the little preview in the Prologue. The bit at the end about her being nervous and getting butterflies around the boy was cute, though. It made me smile, since it's almost a little reminder that despite all her oddities, Molly's still a normal girl. I'm interested in seeing where you take her character!
Lastly, I enjoyed the piece about James' strange tendencies at the dinner table. It seems very Weasley of him, to be so clumsy and loud, and it also serves to define him as a character, separate from all the other countless Weasleys. I think it's very important to try and do that with the Next Generation, since a lot of people tend to just focus on a select few and kind of mush the rest of the family together into one big entity. Defining interesting characteristics is good and helps definie him as a person!
Keep writing! I'm really enjoying this story (:
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thanks for stopping by again - and I'm glad you're enjoying the story :)
They are kinda similar, I guess - they tend to stick to themselves, have their own little bubbles, etc. It's a comparison I've honestly never really thought about as in my mind she's really mostly a highly romantic and slightly dreamy version of Percy, lol. Mm... hold onto that unhealthy thought, is all I'm going to say on that ;) Yeah, haha, I liked writing that bit. I'm sure every girl has been like that when a boy talks to them, you know, and I'm so glad you think she's very much normal - as that's what I really wanted her to come across as!
Hehe... James comes up a bit later on as well ;) He's funny, I like him a lot. Besides, I'm sure we all know that one person who doesn't necessarily fall over a lot, but has a tendency to knock things over. So yeah, in this, that's James, lol. He gets a bigger spot in a later chapter, though, so hopefully if you get to that you'll enjoy it as well ;)
Thank you so much for the great review! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Oh my gosh. This was absolutely adorable. I love how you portrayed little Dominique and Louis. They seemed so cute! And I also like how you included the French bit with Fleur near the end--it made it seem more authentic and believable.
Lovely job! This is going straight in my favorites (:
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hi, and thank you!
This was so much fun to write, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it :)
I had to include Fleur, she's my favourite to write...
Thank you again for this lovely review!
xx Report Review
Wow. That's all I can say at the moment, wow. This is such an original and amazing idea... So intriguing! I love how you slowly reveal more and more information throughout the chapter, not giving too much away at once and leaving the reader craving for more by the end. I absolutely love this! Your descriptions are beautiful and I love how you're focusing on a character that doesn't get very much attention usually.
Must. Read. More!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thank you so much! :) I'm glad you liked it - it's my first real story (the first one I really like, at any rate, and are genuinely proud of), so it's kinda special to me. I know - I've seen so many stories about James or Al or Rose, but not many Molly stories... then again, that was probably a good thing, since I like writing about minor characters ;)
Thank you so so much for this lovely review!
Aph xx Report Review
Wow. Short, sweet, yet amazingly written. I loved reading this. Both parts of the story were heartbreaking in their own ways, and I can't figure out who I feel for more. I loved you characterization of both Tonks and Remus. The endless trains of thought that go on in both their heads are an ingenious tool--it portrays the general frenzy of their thoughts very well.
My favorite line would have to be "It is the saddest day of her life", talking about Tonks and Remus' marriage. It's just so sad and heartbreaking, I actually stopped reading to take it in.
At first I was confused as to what was going on in the second half, but after rereading it I understood. I find it so sad. Tonks loves Remus, but he cannot love her fully because he loves Sirius, who is dead. And she changes her appearance to resemble Sirius for Remus, which just shows how much she loves him. Heartbreaking.
This is such a unique and well written story. I really love it. I've never thought of their relationship this way, it's definitely an interesting take. I'm glad I read this. It's going straight in my favorites!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Well, this review was a nice thing to wake up to this morning. :)
I'm glad you liked my Tonks - her character and my writing style don't generally mesh well, so she was a bit more difficult to write.
'It is the saddest day of her life' was a bit of a throw-it-in moment, so it could have been good or unbelievably terrible. It seems to have not been unbelievably terrible, so yay.
The second half was a bit of an experiment with pure stream-of-consciousness (and minimal punctuation) so it lost quite a few people. I think things like that might work more in theatre and poetry - where they occur a bit more often - than in prose, or maybe that's just me being pretentious, who knows.
I'm glad the ending worked for you. It was a bit disturbing as well as depressing, wasn't it? Definitely not something I could show my mother.
Tonks' and Remus' marriage has always seemed dysfunctional to me, because he grows increasingly bitter and angry during HBP and DH, while she just seems depressed. A bit of reading between the lines later, and this monstrosity appeared.
Thanks so much for the review, and the favourite! :D Report Review
The first line and just the general wording and style of writing immediately caught my attention. That doesn't often happen when I read a story, so I applaud you. I like how the language is elaborate and descriptive, but at the same time I'll admit it becomes confusing at times. It doesn't sound like what would actually come out of someone's mouth, especially when telling a story to a young boy, and at times appears a bit cliched. It's well written, but you should also be very careful when using such complicated language that it's understandable and flows well. Otherwise the reader could get lost and frustrated.
One thing I'm very confused about--what is the story itself supposed to be about? Is it connecting to the war and Voldemort? That's my best guess, but at the same time I'm honestly not sure. I got lost a few times while reading.
I really like the idea behind this, but I think the language could be toned down. You can get the dramatic, "legend" feel across still even if the language isn't as extreme. Like I said earlier, it's very well written. But sometimes that can become confusing.
I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review! I'm glad that you enjoyed reading this story because I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for pointing out that the language is a little wordy- I love fairy-tale-type stories and so I suppose I was quick to use its sweeping style.
You're correct about it being about the first Wizarding war and Voldemort. What I had intended to get across was that the "others" were the muggles, the "hidden" the wizards, the "wise" the purebloods who supported Voldemort (the "Dark" side) and the "naive" the pro-muggle side (the "Light" side). I'll have to go back and make that clearer, then.
Once again, thanks for your comments (they definitely brought some of the problems with the story to light) and I'm glad that you enjoyed reading it. Report Review
This seems like such a cute story! I saw it a while back and always meant to get around to reading it, so here I am, finally!
I quite enjoyed your characterization of Neville. I always loved him as a character but I always find he gets forgotten about and left behind in fan fiction. It's refreshing to see a story focus on him, especially one centering on the Next Generation and Post-Hogwarts era. I think you've got his personality down perfectly, he seems so much more mature and sure of himself.
I loved the part where he widened in his eyes in signal for Hugo to "use his words", haha. I found that adorable.
I'll be continuing onto Chapter 2 very soon! This seems like a lovely story so far!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hello! Ah, it's always nice for me to get the straggling review on this story, as I feel the eight months I dedicated to writing it were some of the most productive and magical of any amount of time in my life. And people are enjoying it, which is the real crazy thing.
Neville is making a comeback, I feel! When I wrote this I thought he, too, was given a backseat. He's usually given horrible self-esteem or he's made into a totally impossible BAMF. I tried to temper those two characterizations with my Neville, but mostly I just write him/wrote him true to my vision. Which, if you have any desire to do so, you can read a lot about in other replies I've made to other reviews ;)
"Use your words" is something my parents often told me because I would try to flap my hands or dance out my requests/statements/comments. Hugo is not by any means a quiet person like me, though he's largely internal, I think you'll find. Actually I think the comment is something my dad picked up from a comedian. Anyway. Glad you liked it :D
Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you enjoyed this little prologue!
-lily Report Review
I'm here from the Review Battle. :)
I really liked this! You write very well. Your description is great, your dialogue doesn't sound awkward and overall everything has a great flow. I really love the way you've characterized everyone, since they all seem so unique. Especially the OCs! It seems like many people find it difficult to create an original, non-cliche OC, but you managed it very well :) Natasha has an original voice and is an interesting character to read about.
The premise seems so clever! I'm very interested to see what happens, and I hope to return for later chapters if I get the time! Lovely job :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Oh, how I love the Review Battle! Thank you :) I've always been worried if I put too much dialogue or not enough description or if nothing flows, so I'm glad this is okay. Wow, /do/ they seem unique? Every author likes to think that, of course, but it's much different (and better!) actually being told it. Natasha is a different thing for me. I usually stick with the sassy-spunky-sarcastic OC, but all the same I love Natasha's personality as well.
Thank you so, so much for reviewing this, Bri - it really /does/ mean the world to me. Report Review
This was really interesting! I've started becoming interested in stories centered on the Weasley family lately, so I enjoyed this quite a bit! Little Bill and Charlie seem so cute :) You captured the mentality of a young child well, and the flow was very good. I like how you added the little reference to Molly being pregnant with Percy :)
I'm interested to see where this story goes! Judging by the description, I'm assuming it's going to jump forward a bit and connect with the Delacour family somehow. Looking forward to seeing what happens with Chapter Two!
Also, poor Bill being told such a terrible thing so young! :(
BriAuthor's Response: I'm glad that I captured the young'uns so well! I enjoyed characterizing them so much! There will be a time jump on this but hopefully not too jarring. You are so cute to be checking this out! Thank you so much! You brought a smile to my face! Report Review
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