Hi there! Apologies for taking such a long time to deliver your requested review!
I'll start out by saying that I loved the repetition you made use of, particularly in the first half of the one-shot. It really added to the mood of the story--it made me feel a sort of futility or inevitability that I think applies nicely to Snape's story. I would have thought that so much repetition would get tedious after a while, but it didn't at all!
I guess that speaks to your first area of concern, which was flow. Overall, I thought it flowed nicely and had a great rhythm to it. The only suggestions I have are that a) in parts, I felt like you dwelled on certain subjects for longer than was necessary to hit the message home, and b) it was occasionally difficult to tell who was the focus of the narration. This was mainly in the section between the paragraphs beginning with "But then he'd look at him with those eyes..." and "Then he'd lift his head and glare at him..." It's a very powerful image, but I thought it might strengthen the middle section of the story if you were to shorten it a bit, because talking about looking at Harry eventually started to feel a bit redundant. Also, I was unsure in certain parts of this section exactly who was doing the looking. I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be all Snape looking at Harry, or Harry looking back at him, or a combination of both. I think you just have to be careful with all the "he"s, because if it's not totally clear who's being referred to, it can get confusing.
As for grammar, this was really well-written. I hardly noticed any errors, but the main one that stood out to me--and actually, I don't even know if it should be called an error so much as a slightly ineffectual choice of words--was in the sentence, "He looked so much like her husband and he could hate him for a bit." I think what you're trying to get at here is that, because Harry looks so much like James, it allows Snape to hate him, until he is reminded of the presence of Lily on Harry's face. I think you could maybe revise the "hate him for a bit" portion of the sentence to get that across more clearly.
I think characterization was your main concern with the story, so I'll try to give you some feedback on that, too. First off--Snape is one of those nightmarishly difficult characters to write in line with canon. I remember I wrote a chapter in his POV at one point, and I had a hard time getting to a point where I felt like I had captured his character properly. I think you captured the bitterness and regret he felt really well. You covered all the different aspects of his relationship with Lily, which is quite a lot to capture in a single one-shot, and I was really impressed with that! The only comments I can offer on characterization are borne out of my own interpretation of Snape's character, so you can take them or leave them. :P
The one thing that I felt was a bit off in his characterization was that Snape didn't quite seem bitter enough. Again, this is just my view of his character, but I always think that he would have had this constant sense of injustice about losing Lily, rather than giving in to the feeling that "she deserved anyone but him". I think he would have forever blamed James for stealing her away (which you did emphasize in parts), and even blamed Lily herself for not giving him another chance. I think Snape seemed to be very good at putting the blame on other people, even after Lily died. I do agree with the basic premise of your story, which is that he regretted giving Voldemort the information that got Lily killed so deeply that he was never the same afterwards. I just think that there's a line between regretting something and being truly apologetic about it, and maybe everyone's answers about what side of that line Snape falls on are different! :)
Overall, though, I do think your characterization of Snape was quite good, and so was the one-shot more generally. Great work!Author's Response: Hello! It's okay, I understand that you probably had a lot on your plate!
I thought the use of repetition would get tedious as well, but I'm glad to hear that it didn't! :D
Hmm... Okay, I understand what you're trying to say. When I have more time I'll go fix it up, a few people have said this so I think I'm going to have to change it. Thanks for the tips! :)
Okay, I'll also change that around! You're very helpful! :D
Snape was a nightmare to right, he's so complex! Okay, so not bitter enough - got it! I wanted to put a new spin on Snape but I still wanted him to recognised as canon-Snape. So thank you again! :D
Thank you so much for this extra-long review, I'm sorry my response is so short! Your tips really helped, thank you! And thanks for taking the time to review this for me. :D Report Review
Hey Jami! Sorry for keeping you waiting a bit longer than normal on this review; I was so bogged down with work last week.
So, your main question on this was about the Animagus transformation. I thought that what you came up with was really interesting, and it fits well with what Sirius said about his emotions being less complex when he was a dog--your portrayal of the transformation is really about drawing the negative parts of life to the surface, and then being able to escape from them. It seemed to fit well with the tone that JKR set for magic like this in the books, which is great! I do have to admit that I don't think the difference between their original transformation and the one in this chapter was entirely clear, unless I just missed the section where you explained it. But other than that, it was very well-explained and creative. :)
The section about the Death Eaters was another good addition, and really gives your story its own unique tone. It colours the less-serious sections--not necessarily in that it makes the entire story dark, but in that it makes the story serious. Personally, I really enjoy stories that are more serious, so I think it's great. There were some really nice descriptions in the first section, too. It was obvious that you could envision the scene clearly, and were trying to communicate that vision as thoroughly as you could: the branches scraping on the window, the low-burning oil lamp, and so on.
The scene between Belle and Sirius really forged a bond between the two of them. I particularly the way you wrote Sirius' POV, and especially the line, "He hadn't even talked her into a date and she was already crawling around under his skin." It was a really great way of describing the idiosyncrasies of the dynamic between them. I thought there were some nice descriptions in that section, too--the grey and blue, the way you described Belle's appearance. Hearing a little more about her past added to her character development, too, although it seems to me (at least at this point in the story) that it's more significant in terms of helping her and Sirius build a relationship.
Okay, I think that's all of the stuff you brought up in your request. My other comments are more on the technique side of things. I did notice a number of comma splices in this chapter, as well, so you may want to be on the look-out for those if you go back and edit. This sentence had some awkward grammar in it: "Though he knew that was impossible because it was the complete amount of light from a full moon that instigated the change, but the thought still sat dormant in the back of all their minds." Though and but kind of cancel each other out, and I think it would be better to remove one or the other, so it reads "He knew...but...", or "Though he knew...the thought still..."
Another thing I noticed twice in this chapter was an incorrect use of colons. Take these sentences: "There were places of that room that were still touched by the fading sun rays, but there were also corners that stood absent of all light: so dark that neither sun nor flame could reach them," and "The image that she made, her mess of beauty lit from the flames, mixed with the fierce burn in her eyes, would be one that forever lived in the back of his mind: haunting him." Neither of these sentences should have a colon; instead, a comma would be the appropriate choice of punctuation.
I did also notice some incorrect punctuation with dialogue, particularly using a comma at the end of dialogue when it should have been a period because what followed wasn't really a dialogue tag.
Just a couple comments about word choice, as well. First, when you talked about the "vile of vinegar", the word you're looking for is "phial" (British English) or "vial" (American English). Also, when you described Quidditch as "the go to idea for many of the newer students," I knew exactly what you meant, but it seemed like a weak way of describing it. You could just consolidate the sentence by saying, "Quidditch was the go-to way for newer students to get their name known at Hogwarts." Words like "idea", "thing", etc. can often be replaced with stronger, more specific words.
I think there may also have been a mild inconsistency with canon when you talked about Madam Hooch nominating first and second years for the team, since first years are rarely allowed to play Quidditch at Hogwarts. ;)
The last thing I wondered about was the section in which Lily is thinking about buying a new broomstick. It seemed to be a bit of a distracting digression from the story--I mean, I know they had just played Quidditch, but since it was just Lily hemming and hawwing over the idea for a bit, and she ultimately decided that she wouldn't buy one, it felt a little unnecessary to me. Of course, you could be planting something that will come up again later, but even in that case, I think it would flow better if you shortened it and didn't have it take the reader away from the action for several paragraphs.
Okay, I think that's it! I hope my comments were helpful.Author's Response: Your comments are always helpful! And the edited version, comma splice and (mostly) error free, has been put into the queue! Thank you so much for pointing those out! I did credit you for your help with it, it was really awesome of you to actually point out errors instead of just telling me that there were errors in it ♥
I'm happy you liked the transformation idea! I really wanted something solid, because I don't like glossing over things. And I've decided because of the length of the chapter, I'll add the actual process of how they first transformed into the section that he tells Lily about it.. many chapters from now. But hopefully for now it's hinted enough that this is only the 'everyday' way to transform.
That's exactly what undertone I want for this. Serious. Because it is! So I'm really thrilled that from those Death Eater sections you got that feeling.
Regarding Belle, her and Sirius are hard. You know I'm following canon as closely as possible with this, so we know it can't last. But they are two people that absolutely know what it's like to make a decision like choosing family or moral. This section was actually important in both aspects, in building Belle as well as showing how they start bonding. I don't get into Belle's full history until around chapter 15, so I really wanted to give people something to see that there was much more to her than meets the eye.
Bah! I have to admit, I honestly couldn't remember if it wasn't allowed or conventional that first and second years play Quidditch. I wasn't sure if Harry was an exception to the rule or that he was just the only one good enough. I did change wording a bit saying that they weren't allowed to tryout, but made it clear that they could play if the Captain allowed it. I hope that meshes with canon well enough! Thank you for pointing that out, m'dear!
With Lily's broomstick. You're right about it coming up later, but not the broomstick, just the details around it. I decided to slip that in there since she just rode James's very nice one. But my real purpose for that section was to show that she had her own money saved up, that she had worked in St. M's over the summers, and that she was considering going into healing. Because those all become necessary information, but now I definitely see what you mean about it taking us out of the action. I read over it a few times and still can't find a shorter way to get it through, or a better place to squeeze into my outlines. Hopefully something will come to me with it, because now it does feel a bit long winded!
Thank you so much for this awesome review!!
Hi there! Sorry for taking a while to get to your request, but here I am with a review!
The one thing that struck me while I read this one-shot is that you have a very natural, straightforward style to your writing. It's very pleasant to read, and it's a great complement to your characters, because it doesn't overshadow them.
I think you characterized Colin well--his dedication to Harry, and the reciprocation of Harry's protection of him in the battle. Harry looked out for him, and now he's looking out for Harry, which shows some good character development.
The main suggestion for improvement that I have is to try and keep sentence length in mind. There were a number of sentences that verged on being run-ons, I think. Just to pull one example: "Right in front of me there were flashing lights and missed spells and the side of the building being smashed and I felt completely and utterly detached." I think it's generally best to limit to your self to 1-2 conjunctions (and, but, or) per sentence. Splitting this up into two sentences would make it flow better. I think a good way of catching sentences that are too long is to read your writing aloud--if it ever feels like you're getting out of breath, you should probably think about shortening the sentence or breaking it up into multiple sentences.
I also had a couple of quick suggestions regarding the spells/dialogue. First, I think it should be "Stupefy" with an "e", rather than "Stupify". Also, I noticed that you tended to use capital letters for emphasis/yelling, and I just wanted to point out that there are other options available for that: italics are one, and dialogue tags like "shouted", "yelled", or "cried" can also convey the tone-of-voice. It's definitely a personal stylistic choice, but you can play around with different options when you're writing and see which you like best.
Very well-written, and I hope my suggestions are useful! :) Report Review
So much irony (or something) in this line: "Makes you almost feel bad for the prisoners in Azkaban." Poor Sirius!
This was a really interesting chapter! It made me think a lot about Harry and Remus' Patronus lessons later on, and how you gave Remus personal experience that probably helped him teach Harry. It was a good tie-in to the books.
I also liked the part where you mentioned Remus getting irritated with James' bragging. It showed a different side of the Marauders than usual--yes, they are human, and so they get annoyed with each other sometimes.
And I'm very excited to see the first real introduction to Adeline! I could absolutely see the similarities between her and Luna, and I can see why Remus would appreciate her personality.Author's Response: Yes! I love that line, just for the irony. There are a few lines in this that are quite ironic, given how things turned out.
I'm so glad you got the connection between the patronus lessons in this and those in the Potter books. That's totally where Remus got the idea from, for Harry. And his teaching style in general is quite similar to Banks's, just because he had such an effect on Remus.
Yep, they're friends, but even friends can get annoyed with each other. I'm glad you can see the similarities between Addy and Luna. Writing Luna is quite difficult, so writing her mum was even harder. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
So, guess what? When you posted on my status update earlier, I thought to myself that THIS story is one that I've always kicked myself for not getting around to reading. So, here I am, hooking myself in by writing a review, because I always find that if I write one, I'll eventually write more.
Now, having sat down and read the first chapter, I see that yes, I should have started reading much sooner. Your George is SO well-characterized. From the first paragraph, I felt like I was right in step with how he was feeling. I loved his stoicism, and the conversation between him and Ron was really...well, I can't find the word, but it just seemed right. I can completely picture the Weasleys being worried about George on his own, and the way George kind of brushed Ron off was like evidence of his grief.
I felt so bad for him when he was out with his friends, too. I could just feel how hard he was trying to be strong, but whenever he spoke, it was clear that he wasn't himself. And THEN. When he saw Alicia and you talked about him having to look at himself in the mirror...devastating. AND THEN. Lee's toast. You nearly killed me in this chapter, I swear.
Because of all of that, it was the biggest relief when Angelina showed up and treated him like a normal person, and made him laugh. I assume that's exactly the effect you were trying to create, so...well done. Excuse me while I go try to recover from the emotional trauma.
On a less depressing note, I love the creativity you have with the magical world. The description of "microwave" dinners, The Fizzing Whizbee, the Fuzzy Cauldron--all very clever. :)
Okay, so, as I said, I'm hooked in now--it may take me ages to actually get through the story, especially since I'm starting a new job tomorrow, but I will be back. You are a lovely writer, and I'm really glad I finally started to read With All Things!Author's Response: Oh my goodness, Penny. I was scrolling through my WAT reviews tonight trying to make a feasible plan for responding to them, when I came across this one! I remember typing a response to it... I'm claiming innocence and blaming the black hole of the interwebz. ^_^
Anyway, sorry this has sat without a response for so long. That looks terribly ungrateful of me. I am so so ecstatic that you decided to read this story, and even more thrilled that you enjoyed this first chapter. George was a very daunting character for me to write -- we all know he's wickedly funny, but I don't consider myself to be very funny at all, and then there's the issue of the effect of Fred's death on him. Needless to say, any praise at all of his characterization (especially in these early chapters when his grief is still so raw) is very reassuring!!
Lee's toast was a huge area of concern for me while I was writing this. I have very little confidence in the decisions I make whilst writing -- and I always worry about whether something was too dramatic or too over the top or too just about anything. Needless to say, Lee's speech fit the too-dramatic worry bill.
Angelina is very good for George, now in 1998... as you'll come to find. :) I'm very sorry, but I'm also not, for all the emotional trauma!
Thank you again for this review, and once again, my apologies for it being unanswered for so long. Report Review
I didn't expect Remus to tell Luna that he knew her mother--I thought he was going to be all closed-off and guarded about it, but it's really nice that they can bond over that. And...I can't help but notice the connection between Luna's name and Remus' lycanthropy. Coincidence, or something more? Hmm... :P
I always find it so difficult to think up Patronus forms for characters when we don't already know them, but I thought it was cute that Alice's was a duck! I also found it really interesting that you talked about the contradiction between Remus' Patronus form and his lycanthropy--it's so true, but I never considered that before.
Also, the imagery in that paragraph describing the Hogwarts grounds on the full moon was really vivid. I loved all of the sounds you incorporated, and just based on those, I could picture the scene perfectly.
Another great chapter! I will be back as soon as I can to review more!Author's Response: Normally Remus would be very closed-off about that sort of thing, but he was caught very off-guard by Luna and his defenses were down. They will definitely bond over it. As for Luna's name...not mentioning that right now. ;)
I'm really glad you like Alice's patronus! My own patronus would be a duck, so I wanted to give one of the characters that patronus. Remus's patronus confused me in the books, for the very reasons that I listed in the story. But at the same time it makes sense, since the wolf is as much a part of him as his human side.
I'm glad you liked the description! Description is my weakness, so that means a lot. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
Oh no! That 1993 section broke my heart! Poor Remus, finding out about Adeline like that. And of course, you went and ended it on that note, so we have to wait til the next chapter to get his reaction. Gah.
Anyway, sorry I haven't been back to review in a bit, but I've been meaning to!
I've never seen a story that explores the side-effects of Remus' lycanthropy so thoroughly. I think everyone (myself included) kind of takes the Wolfsbane Potion for granted, and doesn't think about the fact that it didn't exist when he was a teenager. Given how ill and exhausted he was even with the potion, as an adult, it seems to only make sense that he would have had a far worse time without it.
I loved that Sirius told James about the Auror test, even though he wasn't supposed to. :P And I have this sneaking suspicion that some of them aren't going to get into Auror training, which will make for a very interesting group dynamic.
Great chapter!Author's Response: It was so sad writing that part! But I had to have him find out somehow. And I always imagined him very lost in the time between James & Lily's deaths and PoA. Hehe, sorry about the cliffy!
That's okay! Completely understand.
Most stories I read seem to glance over the bad aspects of lycanthropy, but it's always been something that's greatly interested me. My other stories delve into it even more. He must've been awfully ill without the potion, though, so I didn't want to glaze over it.
Writing Sirius is so much fun! He's never been one for rules, so of course he'd tell James about the test. As for who will get in...you'll have to wait and see! Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
Hi there! Here I am, with your requested review. I have to say, when I read the summary for your story, I was definitely intrigued--many NextGen stories seem to be of the "day in the life of a teen" variety, with the main focus on relationships and Quidditch. It's always more interesting to read one that goes beyond that, especially when there's an element of mystery in the plot!
A couple of the things you mentioned in your areas of concern were flow and characterization. I think the flow was generally good, though I think it might have been nice to break up the chapter once or twice. The train, the boat ride across the lake, the Sorting, and being shown to the Ravenclaw common room is a lot of ground to cover in one long scene. So, for example, you could have had a scene break at the end of the conversation on the train, and skipped straight to the boat ride. It just makes the experience of reading a little more varied and dynamic.
As for characterization, I really like Arianthe! I think it's great to see a Malfoy being Sorted into a house other than Slytherin. You wrote her perfectly for her age, which can be difficult to do. It was good to show her inner conflict as she arrived at school and found out more about her family's past; her refusal to believe it was really in-character.
My only suggestion in this area would be that I would have liked to have a bit more explanation of Arianthe's background. I didn't get a good sense of the Malfoy family dynamics--there were hints at it, like Arianthe's puppy-dog-eyes, and her description of Scorpius and Selene, but I felt like we kind of hovered on the surface and never really delved much deeper into it. Draco seemed much more doting and fatherly than I would have expected, so it would have been interesting to hear how his canon personality has changed since he's had children. Also, I don't think you mentioned in this chapter how much older Scorpius and Selene are than Arianthe, which is something I think readers would naturally question. It also would have been interesting to read more about the dynamics between the Potters/Weasleys and the Malfoys. It would be good, I think, to explain why they're all friends (or at least sort of friends), despite the history between their families. And on that note, while I found her discovery of her family's reputation to be one of the best parts of this chapter, I have to wonder how she didn't find anything out before now--surely, wouldn't she have gotten some inkling of it before? She might have heard her brother and sister talking about it, or noticed people's reactions to her father when they were out in public. Addressing that could make her revelation all the more significant.
Introducing a character well is a really important part of a first chapter, and it can be hard to hit the right balance. One other thing I noticed is that you seem to gravitate more towards writing dialogue than description (and I do that, too, so I understand!), which can be more problematic in first chapters than in others. It's hard to feel like you're getting to know a character when most of it is dialogue, and a lot of it is dialogue from characters other than the protagonist. I think this chapter could be strengthened by the inclusion of some more background information, not just about Arianthe, but about her family and their place at Hogwarts. Maybe you get to explaining that in later chapters, but I really think it would be good to have at least some of it in this very first chapter, to answer the questions that I'm sure are on many readers' minds. If it's an issue of spoilers, you can include some cryptic statements, just so the readers know that you haven't neglected to consider it.
One other thing I noticed is that your dialogue isn't formatted properly in all cases. This formatting is perfect: "I have a brother too," I said, glancing back at Morgan curiously. You've ended the quotation with a comma/half-stop. In many other places, though, you ended it with a period/full-stop. I actually wrote a guide to formatting dialogue that's in the grammar guidelines subforum in the Writer's Resources area over on the forums. If you aren't sure about how to format your dialogue, I think you might find it helpful.
So, all in all, I think this chapter was really intriguing, and I liked your protagonist. The only thing I found myself wishing for was more explanation--which, if you think about it, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Your story is great; I'm just curious and want to hear more about your characters! :)Author's Response: Holycraplongreview.
Helpful, though. I won't address every single paragraph, which isn't doing this review the justice it deserves, but I will say thank you so much for taking the time to do this for little ol' me, and also, about the formatting thing - I acutally did read that a while back :) looks like I need to brush up on my skills, though. It was very helpful :)
~Elle Report Review
Hi Jami! Here I am again, review in hand.
I think it was good to change the mood up, and this chapter definitely succeeded in injecting some levity and warm fuzzies into the story. I do have to admit that I started the chapter off a bit confused at why Lily was so angry with James. I remember her storming out of the party, of course, but then it kind of seemed like she was okay with things in the last chapter. So, for it to then become such a big issue in this chapter actually made me go back to the previous chapter to check if I had missed something. (Maybe I did?) Anyway, though, it was nice to see all of them just enjoying themselves and (sort of) getting along.
Of course, there was also the flashback and surrounding grief, which I thought were really well-done. The way you wrote the interactions between Lily and her dad in the flashback was great; it seemed natural and genuine, and really made me feel sad that Lily had lost someone so important to her. I have to admit that I'm not generally a fan of the big italicized flashback, just because it disrupts the flow for me, but that's just a personal preference.
I liked that you offered a more positive take on Lily and Petunia's relationship. I don't imagine them despising each other, either, so that fit with my own head canon--and, on a more objective note, I think it just makes sense if you consider both Lily and Petunia's canon characterizations. We know that Lily was compassionate and stuck by Snape, so it doesn't really make sense that she would write her sister off. There are other clues in the books that their relationship wasn't so antagonistic, too.
Also on the note of characterization, I like that you gave Peter a bit of a hero moment in this chapter, especially one that revealed some of his spy-like tendencies. And I really liked James in this chapter! Possibly because of all the romantic tension. :P But really, I think you managed to achieve that without going to the shock-value-extremes that people often do with James, which was great.
I did notice some typos in this chapter, but I'm sure you could fix them with a read-through. One was a homophone thing, though, so I thought I'd point it out: "rained in" should be "reined in" (i.e., reins of a horse). Another thing that occurred to me is that it might be worth considering to use "Aguamenti" in the scene where James & Lily douse Sirius & Belle--I think it's always preferable to use a canon spell where you can, because it lends a bit more authenticity to your story, and it seemed to me that the spell you came up with did something similar to Aguamenti, anyway.
Okay, last thing that I noticed that you might want to cast your eyes over again is the section where Remus is musing about the full moon--the tenses seemed a bit wobbly to me in that section. For example, you say "By eleven o'clock his cells will have completely altered", and I think it would be better to say "would be completely altered". The tense you used would make more sense if you had used "before" instead of "by" at the start of the sentence, because it's supposed to describe an action that will take place before an event in the future. Anyway, I'd just take a look at the tenses in that area and make sure they're all consistent and appropriate.
Also, regarding your author's note...I don't know if this was the same line that got you, but my heart did a little James/Lily frown when he said "We have all the time in the world."
Good chapter again!Author's Response: Yes yes yes that was the line!! I seriously got all hurt feels when I typed that because they don't have all the time in the world!! They have about.. four years to live from this moment and it's so, so, so sad :(. Bah. okay, on to responding.
I am so happy you liked the changed! I'll have to look back over the first section and see if I can make it more clear.. Remember Violet Clarke from chapter 3? The girl who is a bit insensitive on the train ride? Lily wasn't *very* upset when she saw James, and she was ready to get over it, until she overheard the boys talking about it being Violet. That's what set her off again, because he knows the kind of person Violet has been towards her. I'll try and see if I can make that more clear through her and Alice's conversation.. thank you for pointing it out!
I really like writing about the girls, I just finished their next section for chapter 10 when we start seeing a bit more strain. I totally agree with you; I don't think it was an over night change and I think they probably tried to stay close. We know that Petunia even sent Lily a vase for Christmas, so it's clear they didn't just start hating each other the moment Lily got her letter. I hope you liked what I do with the sisters!
Peter! We're bonding. Slowly but surely. James is honestly coming close to surpassing Serious in my fangirlness. I have a lot of fun writing him growing up. He's just such a great man in my head, haha.
Why didn't I think of Aguamenti?? Thank you! I'm about to put chapter ten in the queue, then as soon as I'm done I'll go back through this one and get out the errors, as well as fine tuning the tenses in the last section. Thank you so much for this wonderful review, and all of the amazing ones thus far! The next chapters start to get into more serious issues, so I'm really excited to see how you feel about those!!
Jami Report Review
Hi Ever! I saw your story link in the status updates, and the pairing caught my eye, so I thought I would come over and review!
There's always been something very sweet to me about Fleur and Bill, so I did have to do a little mental adjustment to think of Fleur and Charlie being in love--just a little one, though, because I don't think it's too difficult to believe that it could have happened. I thought this was a nice portrayal of what could have been. I like that you explored their hesitations and guilt; it gave both of them greater dimension. The only things I found myself wondering were, first of all, whether some of Charlie's initial enchantment with Fleur might have been because of her Veela blood, and second, why it never seemed that Fleur had any genuine feelings for Bill. Maybe those went outside of the scope of this one-shot, but they just occurred to me as I was reading. :)
I did notice a few small typos as I was reading, but overall, this was very nicely written! Good job!Author's Response: Hey Penny! What a wonderful surprise! I'm so ecstatic you dropped by.
I like Fleur and Bill as well! I can't even tell you what inspired me to write otherwise because I can't recall:P I really did try to incorporate the guilt and hesitation, and I'm glad you noticed!
You know, I did take note of her Veela blood but I had no idea how to add it in. I tried to add it in but it just seemed off. I really should have looked for other ways to add it but I hoped people would assume part of its her veela charms, but most of it is just natural attraction. I really should fix that...
Bill and Fleur...I really need to edit this! What I was hoping it came off as was that Bill and Fleur were merely friends...well, let me elaborate. In his mind he loved her and she loved him, but she viewed him as more of a fried but at that point she was so far into the relationship and wanted to avoid hurting him. In my mind, thats why she remained so loyal to him on top of the promise she made to him and sparing Charlie eternal damnation his family.
Thanks for the review Penny!
Ever Report Review
Hey! I saw the link to this story in the status updates, and I thought I would come by to read and review. :) This is my favourite type of Snily. Well, okay, it's actually the only type of Snily I like: unrequited! :P
Your descriptive language in this was really lovely--it was wonderful how you used the seasons as metaphors. And in each section, I knew exactly what you were trying to get at, which is pretty amazing. I imagine it would be difficult to hit upon all these different aspects and make them ring true, but you've done a great job. The best part, in my opinion, was that I didn't feel like this was OOC for Snape. It was all twisted with a sort of bitterness and sting that kept it from being too flowery or romantic. Even the title gets that across--it's not necessarily about love; it's about greed.
Great work!Author's Response: Hello! Thanks so much for this :) And same - this is the only Snily I can get into!
This is totally different to my other stories, so I'm so glad it came accross well. I was so worried Snape would be OOC, or too "flowery" like you say. And you hit on exactly what I'm going for - I was never totally comfortable with Snapes love for Lily because I thought it was based on that greed, and idealism.
Thank you so much for reviewing, its made me feel more confident about the story :) Report Review
New chapter! Wahoo! And the plot is really thickening, isn't it?
Remus was, once again, hilarious. He gets so flustered so easily! :P Had you mentioned in the story before that Sirius had once been human, and was transformed into a dog? I can't remember for sure, but anyway, it's a great little detail. Now I'm wondering if he'll be changed back to his human self at some point before the end of the story.
The end completely surprised me. I thought Petunia was going to pull something completely out of left field, like that she was marrying Snape instead, but thinking now...that wouldn't exactly be bad for Lily, would it? :P I'm hoping this will motivate Lily and James to work together to create an escape plan (operative word: TOGETHER).
Great chapter again; can't wait for the next!Author's Response: Yes, I dare say that it is. And it's about time. It's only been seventeen chapters, lol.
He does, doesn't he? I never realized just how anxiety-ridden he is until I wrote this chapter, but I think that's what I like best about him. Remus always seems so cool under pressure (minus that scene in DH when he's thinking of leaving Tonks), so it's fun to flip that trait upside down and play up the opposite. As far as Sirius being a human goes, I have mentioned it, just not in so many words. It was a long time ago, but I did say that he'd been cursed. I think that was back in chapter four or five, so I don't really expect anyone to remember that. Whether he'll go back to being a human or not remains to be seen.
Originally, something like that was going to happen but then I realized that there's really no immediate motivation for Lily and James to make their escape from the castle. I mean, if Petunia was marrying Snape instead, one of their biggest problems has vanished and they've got a longer amount of time to figure out their escape. Now that the wedding's been bumped up, they have no choice but to speed up the process they've already begun. Thankfully, they have been getting along a lot better than they had in previous chapters, but I promise that one of the issues that caused trouble between them will resurface, just not quite in the same way.
Thank you so much for your review, Penny. You're the best. Report Review
Hi AdeleShare; I'm here with your requested review from the forums. :)
So, the main concern area you had was with flow, and I think it was pretty good. Yes, it's a short piece, but, for the most part, it flowed well. If you want advice on how to make it feel less rushed, I think it would be good to add a bit more conversation before Jodie she asks Ron if he wants to leave with her. It just would have seemed slightly more natural to have more back-and-forth between them over the course of the evening--or even when they're walking home--to give the scene more of an emotional charge. I know you probably wanted to create more of a situation where Ron is really just using a girl to get over his feelings, but I think you can still do that while increasing the length--maybe he talks to her and draws comparisons between her and Hermione, which would add some extra angst.
You also asked about grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I did notice a few errors that could probably be fixed by another read-through or the help of one of the quick betas on the forums. They were mostly issues related to commas and apostrophes/inverted commas. (For example, when Jodie asks for his name, it should be "And yours?", without an apostrophe.)
I also noticed that some of the dialogue tags were punctuated improperly (for example, "Seems so bleak lately." Jodie said. - there should actually be a comma/half-stop after lately and before the ending quotation mark, rather than a period). I actually wrote a dialogue formatting guide and posted it in the grammar guidelines section on the forums, if you want to use it as a resource.
I hope my suggestions are helpful; good work on this one-shot! :)Author's Response: Thanks so much Penny! Thank you for pointing out those errors, they're things that are easy for me to miss. Thats the beauty of having a second set of eyes look at something, the first always miss things :D
I'm such a terrible dialouge writer, it is something that I try hard to work on. My dialouges always seem rushed and pointed haha. I *will* try to slow it down :D
Again, thank you for reading and reviewing! I appreciate it *alot*.
~AdeleShare Report Review
Hi--sorry for the slight delay in delivering your review, but here it is, as promised! :)
I thought this was a great one-shot. The opening paragraph really did a good job of hooking me in, and I think it set a mood that was carried consistently throughout. The imagery you created at the start, with Helena examining her reflection, was vivid.
Characterization was also well-done. I liked how you focused on Rowena's perfectionism; it helped explain not only the fractured mother-daughter relationship, but also Helena's fragile psyche. I think you really set up the motivation for Helena stealing the diadem well. The only moment I thought rang a little off was with Adeline, the servant. I wasn't sure why she switched from refusing to help Helena to agreeing so quickly, and I think a little more description between the lines of dialogue in their exchange might have helped. Plus, when Rowena eventually wakes up, Adeline will probably take the blame for Helena escaping. Does Helena feel any guilt about that? Does she know that Adeline is compassionate, or that she secretly resents Rowena, too? Answering any of those questions somehow in the narrative would have made Adeline a stronger character, I think, rather than just the facilitator of Helena's escape.
One of my favourite parts was the foreshadowing and superstition that were all wrapped up into this line: "He is a vile personage, insufferable, dishonest like a snake, and the village Seer once said he would be guilty of murder!"
I liked the little bits of language you used to give this more of a medieval feel, like "Methinks" and "'tis", and the reference to the asphodel turning blue. It really enhanced the historical feel of the story!
Barring that one little quibble about Adeline, I thought this was a really fantastic story. Great work!Author's Response: If you apologise for the wait for this review, I don't know which words to use to excuse my delay in replying. Anyway. I will try to be coherent, but I'm not sure how that will work out.
First things first: thank you so, so much. I've read some of your work, which is amazing, so you saying that you liked reading this means a lot to me.
I'm glad you liked the imagery, because I'm normally pretty terrible at it - although I had an awesome beta who writes beautiful imagery, which helps.
Adeline, well, was there because she had to be, if that makes sense. I didn't see Helena escaping without any help. Her character and interactions with Helena should have been more developped though, I totally agree.
I don't think Helena would feel guilty, at least not at first - she's too exhilarated to be away, and I also think she is partly like her mother, sometimes very cold and unconsiderate.
I will probably go and edit sometime soon, putting more thought into that part of this one-shot...
Thank you, thank you, for noticing that line, it's one of my favourite!
As for the medieval language, it was a pain to write, so thank you for appreciating it.
And, because Ã cannot possibly say it enough, thank you for this review - it really made my day.
Hi Jami! Sorry for the slight lag in delivering your requested review, but here I am again! :)
So, I really like the glimpse of the Death Eaters' activities we got in this chapter. I think it's really great that you plan on including scenes like this occasionally, because that's something that generally doesn't happen in a lot of Marauders stories. People will often include one scene from Snape or Bellatrix's POV, but to shift more often will really be one way of making your story distinct from others. It was a well-written scene, and I've always thought that Voldemort would be trying to recruit Hogwarts students at that time.
I have a few comments, but they're mainly just minor stuff that I think could strengthen the chapter up. :) One thing is that I noticed a number of comma splices in the chapter. For example, near the beginning, you wrote, "But tonight she had nothing for him, she deserved to be punished, and silently begged he would do at least that." The first comma needs to be a period, colon, semi-colon, or em-dash in order for this sentence to be grammatically correct. I did note down most of the other instances I saw as I was reading, but I don't want to waste too much space on that here--feel free to PM me if you'd like me to send them to you!
There were also a couple places where there appeared to be a shift in POV that read as a bit jarring. One was near the beginning, when it seemingly switched to from Bellatrix's POV to Dobby's. The other was when Lucius locks Narcissa in the room (which, by the way, I thought was a nice way of injecting a sense of uncertainty among Voldemort's followers)--there's a moment where it seems to switch to his POV, and then back to Bellatrix's.
There were a couple sentences I think you could have moved to their own paragraph to add emphasis. For example, when Bellatrix is begging Voldemort, she stops mid-sentence, and you wrote "he turned back to her". I think you could move that last bit to a new paragraph, so it stands alone and really makes the reader feel like they've--wham!--hit a wall in the conversation. Same goes for the moment when Peter interrupts Sirius telling James about the night Lily's parents died (so curious!). If you move "a quick slam followed by a body racing through the portrait hole caused both friends look up," to its own paragraph, I think it would create a nice effect.
In a couple places, I think word choice could be strengthened. When you gave that description of Voldemort, which was really vivid, it kind of jarred me to read, "the hollows of his skin creeping out". It just struck me as odd, because things that are hollow are concave by definition, and it created something of a disconnect in my mind to think of them as moving outwards. Similarly, when you described the Hogwarts grounds and the wind there as "chilling", that seemed a bit off to me--"chilling" makes me think "terrifying" or "spooky", not "cold". "Chilly" instead, maybe?
Okay, just a couple more brief things (sorry!). I noticed that you didn't capitalize Quidditch several times, and didn't capitalize Death Eaters once. Those are always capitalized in the HP books. And then, just a few small typos:
I think she said there were going around the lake. (they?)
James'll have to chance anyway to get it. (change?)
...three large candles burned on top of the pure white mantle. (burning?)
The red in hear cheeks darkened.
Lily couldn't help but feel a small part of hear heart ache...
Finally (I promise this is the last thing), when James tells Sirius what Lily said to him the previous night, there's a paragraph beginning with "I was laying in bed" that needs a quotation mark at the start (or moving up to join the previous paragraph).
Phew. Again, sorry. I only mention these things because, with the exception of them, this was a great chapter! I did think it was clear in the end that they had told Dumbledore about the prospects, though perhaps a clearer reference to what they were going to say somewhere earlier in the chapter would be worthwhile. (Like when Sirius says, "we'll have to fetch Lily to have her fill Dumbledore in, right?", you could just elaborate on what they're going to fill him in about. Or, when Sirius finds Lily, you could have a line in her inner monologue about what she needs to tell Dumbledore. Or both! Haha.) I really liked the glimpse at McGonagall's softer side in the end there.
Like I said, really strong chapter, and I hope my tedious comments didn't bore you to death!Author's Response: Oh goodness please don't ever be sorry about any kind of wait. I still can't believe you are able to be such a huge part of the site and still opening are review thread! It's very awesome.
I am so happy that the first scene seemed realistic. I don't want the war to be something that effects their ever every move at Hogwarts. It will taint their last year of school tremendously, but I think showing what is going on with the other side helps us kind of understand how bad things are because our main characters just don't yet.
Comma splices! Ahh! Thank you so much for pointing that out. I am BAD with those. Getting much better, though! I'll go through it, and if I don't feel confident that I got most/all of them I'll message you :)! If that's okay :).
Shifting PoV. Rawr. I take the opportunity to use 3rd omniscient entirely too much, sometimes. I edited out the Dobby one, and will work on the Lucius one to keep it in Bella's PoV. When we get to the 6th chapter, I do switch purposefully with Lily and James during a scene where I really wanted to get both of them in on it. I'll leave my concerns about that in my next review request, but I'm hoping it feels smooth enough to not need to edit out!
I'm so happy you thought this was a strong chapter! And thank you so much for pointing these things out. Anything that can make a chapter stronger, I want to do, so please don't apologize it!! Haha nothing about this bored me to death, crazy girl! You're helping me strengthen a chapter!! That's not boring, it's amazingly sweet and I am anxious to get your edits in and this bad boy back in the queue. I swear, every validator is going to hate me for all my edits after this story is over! haha!
Thanks so much for taking the time to leave this review, and again I'm extremely happy that you enjoyed this chapter and that it was little things you pointed out. Because that means the big things like characterizations and detail were solid (right?) haha ;) ♥ And please, if you need anything reviewed or just want an opinion on anything certain, don't hesitate to PM me the link/title! I would love to give back some of the wondeful-ness you help with, but when I have free time I don't always find myself remembering what exactly I wanted to get done *ninja*
Hi A_Wiz! So, I decided to review chapter two, since you mentioned that the first chapter has more feedback than the rest. I thought it might be useful to you to get some comments on this chapter. :)
Up front, I should say that I don't have many criticisms to make. Your writing is, as I expected, wonderful. It's rich in description--I loved the part where Scorpius recognizes Lily, and you describe her hood falling back and her red hair tumbling out into the wind. The only things I have to suggest are kind of nitpicky, so this review may not be all that useful to you!
First, I noticed two (yes, just two) small errors, which are probably typos. When you said "the face reflecting back at him", I think it would sound better to say "the face reflected back at him". Also, at one point, you wrote "month" instead of "months".
(I know--ground-breaking feedback so far. :P)
There were also some sentence constructions that I thought could be improved. Near the beginning, you described "the Manor to have a coldness", and it sounded a bit awkward to my ears. Something like, "Scorpius found that the Manor had a coldness..." would sound more natural to me. There was also a sentence that read "a blast of sea air that was surprisingly chilly despite the fact that it was the middle of summer." That reads as a bit redundant to me--a breeze would be surprisingly chilly not despite the fact that it was summer, but because it was summer. If that makes sense.
That's really the extent of criticism/suggestions I have on this chapter. It was just that great! I especially liked the way you planted some intrigue at different points--Scorpius talking about how something was off about his grandmother's death, and the oblique references to Scorpius and Lily's past relationship. One thing that occurs to me as I'm sitting here writing this is that maybe you could have pulled back the curtain a little more, if only just on Scorpius and Lily's past. The prologue has already injected a lot of mystery, and while you definitely don't want to give away too much too soon, I think you can run the risk of withholding too much. It's hard to say without reading further chapters, though, and overall, I thought you managed to strike a pretty good balance.
By the way, thank you for writing a realistic confrontation. I don't know why, but well-written arguments between characters seem to be very elusive. Yours came off as completely natural and not at all just arguing-for-arguing's-sake.
All right--if you were looking for harsh criticism, I suppose this review wasn't all that helpful. :P In my defense, there really isn't much to criticize! Really well-written (both this chapter and the prologue), and I'm captivated by the story.Author's Response: Yea, penny! Thank you so much for this lovely review. It's awfully hard to be disappointed in a lack of harsh comments when you say it's because you liked the chapter. You're such a gifted writer, so that really means a lot.
First off, I will definitely hunt down those typos and fix them. I don't have anyone beta-reading this so I appreciate you pointing them out. As for the oddly-worded sentences, I see exactly what you mean. I have a hard time not writing in an overly formal tone when I'm doing narration. I've been playing around with first-person to try and get a feel for a more conversational sentence structure but I'll keep an eye out for that -- and the use of the word "that." There were a lot of "thats" in the second sentence you pointed out. Yikes!
I can see your point with there being a little too much vaugness about Scorpius and Lily's past relationship. My very unprofessional defense is that I didn't really know what their past was when I started this story. I knew they had one and that it ended badly but it took me a long time to figure out what two people so young could have realistically gone through in order to cause such a rift. Maybe now that I know, I should go back and add a bit more into the earlier chapters.
And you are very welcome :P I'm glad you found the argument to ring true to life. I didn't want them to be overly mature in the way they handle themselves, keeping in mind their ages, but I didn't want it to be a teenage angst-fest either. I'm glad you liked it!
Thank you so much for taking a look at my story. I always feel a *little* less guilty about asking other staffers for reviews (even though I should feel more guilty knowing how busy you all are). At least I know you all won't be nice just so I don't delete all your stories. I hope you don't mind if I hit your review thread up again sometime (if you decide to keep it open). Thanks again for all your comments! Report Review
Wow, what a beautiful one-shot! You know, it's funny, I was thinking a little while ago that there were some thematic connections between Peter Pan and the Marauders. It's heart-breaking to look at them through this lens, to think of the fact that they were all happiest when they were young--and not only that they were happiest then, because that could probably be said of many people, but that such tragedy brought an end to that happiness.
It never even occurred to me to think of Lily as Wendy, but it really works. I also love the comparisons you've drawn between Peter and James.
All in all, just a beautiful piece of writing. The words themselves, the imagery, the message...gah, it's just lovely. :)Author's Response: Hi! So this is probably the coolest thing ever! Like, you're pennyardelle!!! Oh my god! Ahhh!
Sorry, I'm fangirling, I'm just a really huge fan of your writing (Once Defied and Twice Defied woo!) so this is really exciting for me :)
Normal Person Mode: I'm so glad that you enjoyed this little oneshot! So thank you so much! I actually made the connection because I saw this wonderful Broadway play called Peter and the Starcatcher (it's based on a book by the same name and it's the prequel to Peter Pan) and the female lead reminded me of Lily a little bit. And then it just got me thinking that Peter is kind of like James with that lovable arrogance and Lily being motherly towards her boys and then I just couldn't stop thinking about all the connections and this is what I ended up with. And I definitely agree that the Marauders' story is so very tragic; they had the whole world ripped from them.
So thank you so very much! I'm so unbelievably flattered that you've read something that I've written (and liked it ahhh!) so yeah, thank you! I have to read the next chapter of Twice Defied, so you'll be seeing a review from me soon :)
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
~Jess :D Report Review
Yay, I'm finally caught up on the story!
Another interesting POV switch this chapter. Snape's thoughts were kind of unpleasant, but it does reveal some of his motivations.
I hope that Lily and James figure a way out of their situation before all the other plots catch up with them. And you must update soon! I want to read more! :DAuthor's Response: Yay! I'm happy that you are!
I hope the POV switches aren't throwing off readers. I mean, I understand that this is a Lily and James story but I feel that it provides more depth and layers when I write about the other characters POVs. It's also a lot easier to explain things without letting James and Lily in on the secret!
Ah, I don't know if they will or not! I mean, yes, okay, I actually do, but you get what I mean!
Sadly, I was an idiot and instead of hitting 'edit' on my last review, I hit 'post', so I didn't get to thank you for your last review! At any rate, thank you so much for this one and all of the others that you've left me. They've been so wonderful to read; I love seeing other people's reactions to what I've wrote and I'm so glad that you're enjoying this!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, Penny! Report Review
Ack, evidence of the secret Snape/Petunia affair! And Snape is such a cad, really--he considers Petunia "back up" if something happens to Lily. Sheesh. I hope James gives him what's coming to him.
I'm so happy that Lily and James are forced to spend more time together, even though they're being preyed upon by what seems like everyone else in the castle.Author's Response: Yes! They are indeed having an affair, something that I was wanting to write as subtle but with each passing chapter, can't seem to! I do feel awful for Petunia because at the end of the day, Snape is using her as a means to an end as, essentially, all he wants to do is destroy James' life and blackmail Lily into being the obedient wife he wants. Granted, the Lily of Westerflower actually wants to marry him as she sees the advantage in the marriage as well, but you know. Whatever :P Report Review
This is getting SO good! I loved the conversation about blood status and how it relates to Voldemort. It's a different take on it, but still boils down to the same prejudice.
AND THEN. James is Lily's bodyguard? *faints* This is the best thing that could have happened!!! But I'm suspicious, just like James and Lily, and that wasn't helped by the last scene and whatever Remus was so worried about when he was talking to James.Author's Response: Thank you! One of my biggest concerns with this story is that I'm not pacing it right, that I'm throwing out all of these new questions without answering any of them. I mean, there's going to be a few huge moments of revelations in the coming chapters and I know that all of the questions will be answered, but I can't help feeling like I'm withholding information that might make more people read or, at the very least, the people who are reading far more engaged with the story.
I'm trying to include as many parallels as I can without making it the exact same thing. It's a bit difficult at times, but I'm glad to hear that it's paying off!
Yes! Yes he is! It's the best and also one of the worst, as you'll later find out. Nothing happens in this story without a consequence!
Thanks for reviewing, dear! Report Review
It was really interesting to get to see things from Petunia's POV. She's been a great character so far, because she's not two-dimensional--at certain times, she's really spoiled and unpleasant, but at others (like in this chapter), she tries to protect Lily.
I loved the parallels you drew between Dumbledore's role in James and Lily's "real" world, and his role in Westerflower (sorry, I think I called it Westerhollow in the last review :P). "The enemy is that strong"--that was a great line.
Very suspicious of what Petunia and Severus are planning...Author's Response: I'm a firm believer that despite all of the airs that she puts on, Petunia does still care for her sister. Granted, it's a feeling that brings about bitterness and resentment, but it's still there. She may not be the nicest person or the most honest or loyal but she does have a few good qualities. :P
Yes! That was one of the points I wanted to make sure I included because it's still a Marauders fic and I feel like some mention of war should've been made. Westerflower might not be in all out war with our still-unknown enemy, but the tension is definitely there and it continues to mount, something I think would have been very similar to how things were when James and Lily were at Hogwarts.
You should be suspicious. Very much so. If you weren't then I wouldn't be doing my job as a writer :P
Thanks for yet another lovely review! Report Review
Ooh, the plot thickens! You've done a really good job at concealing all of the behind-the-scenes machinations. At this point, I honestly don't know who's the bad guy (or girl) in all of this. Is Snape plotting against Westerhollow? Is it all a plot by Lily and Petunia's mysterious mother and father? Or is it someone else altogether? And on top of that, there's still the whole issue of how James and Lily got to Westerhollow, and how they're going to get back to the real world. It's all very intriguing and mysterious, especially now that we've been introduced to this woman with strange powers.
I loved this comeback: "And pettiness doesn't suit you, but we all have our faults, don't we?" There was a lot going on for Lily in this chapter. Her concern for James was really endearing, and I can't believe Snape showed up at her door that late!
So when Lily sat down with James, I had this terribly hopeful feeling in my chest that they were going to start going down a nice, fluffy path. And then they started fighting. Blegh. Those two really need to start considering MY feelings more.
Another great chapter! :)Author's Response: For a while I was worried that I was keeping too much a secret, which is why in the next few chapters I keep going back to Petunia and Snape and the like so we get all of the details, even if Lily and James don't. I do hope it's not an overload of information, though!
It's good that you mentioned the old with the strange powers. She's going to play a very important role; she wasn't included for no reason, after all. The question you should ask yourself is what's she doing roaming about the castle so soon after the attack?
Yes! I do love that line very much. Snape is quite the character, I must admit. It's terribly fun writing him because one minute, he's this slimy git and the next - well, he's still a slimy git, only with a lot more sleaze.
Well, you see, I was going to have them be all hunky-dory with each other, but then I said to myself 'well, that'd just be too easy'. And! And that particular conversation will come back to - well, not haunt them, per se, but it'll come up again and be a topic of discussion, that I can promise!
Thank you so much for your lovely review! Report Review
Hey! Here's your requested review, as promised. :)
I see this was written for a challenge, and I think you worked the prompts in very well. The flaming forks might have been hard to work in, but I think you did it really well.
This was a nice little look at Victoire and Teddy's relationship. It was well-written, Teddy had a nicely developed voice, and I enjoyed the fact that we get to see a nice guy finishing first.
Your main concern was that the story was "missing" something, and nothing really stuck out to me as lacking as I read it. The only thing I can think of that might come across as "missing" is a real understanding of Victoire's motivations, which I guess you can't avoid that much when you're writing in first person. She came off as slightly callous, first in the fact that she kind of ditched Teddy, and second, in the fact that she ditched him for someone who was clearly so repulsive as a person. It doesn't really say much about her character, but then, everything that Teddy describes about her makes her seem so wonderful. It's a bit of a mis-match, I think. Maybe there's something missing emotionally there? It could be that we just need to hear Teddy say a bit more about Victoire's mindset, or have her explain herself at the end. Even if Prang was a little more complex, and not villainized from the start, it might help. That's the only thing that came to mind, though.
I really liked some of your lines. This was probably one of my favourite parts: "It sometimes feels like the only things my parents have left me are a tendency for undercooked meat and a body that changes at the slightest whim or emotion. Okay, and a peaceful world." It was a bit funny, a bit irreverent, but also touching. :)
I hope this review was helpful in some way. Thanks for requesting!Author's Response: Hi! Your review is definetely helpful. It's certainly a good idea to try and characterise Victoire and Prang more, and it would make the oneshot longer too :) I'm really glad you liked it overall :) Thank you for your review! Report Review
Aw, my heart melted a bit with that line about how James wouldn't die without having kissed her once.
I really liked the violence in this chapter--which isn't something I would have expected myself to say, because blood and guts kind of make me feel squicky. It made the mood of the chapter really realistic and dire. And ooh, I had this sudden idea that maybe this attack is somehow meant to parallel Voldemort in the real world. Which might mean that Snape is involved...
I'm a bit concerned about James now. :S I hope he isn't too badly hurt! (Or maybe I hope he is, so Lily can sit by his bedside. I love the scenes with the two of them together.)Author's Response: It's true, though! He wouldn't!
Thank you! I was worried that it'd be a little too graphic and violent, that it would turn readers off rather than set the mood I was hoping to achieve. It was difficult trying to find the right balance to make it seem believable, so I'm relieved that you thought it was! And yes, in a way, it is a parallel to Voldemort! Sad as I am to say this, he's not actually the villain in this. I'd already gotten the idea in my head way before I even considered Voldemort as the villain - silly me.
He'll be okay! James is my baby - as much as I like to cause him pain, I wouldn't extend his physical suffering any longer than I have to. Emotional suffering, on the other hand... :P
Thanks again for your review, Penny. You're awesome! Report Review
Cliffhanger! No! (Well, I shouldn't complain much, since I can just click to the next chapter--but still! :P) I suspect collusion between Snape and Petunia...
On another note, though, I loved the inclusion of Dumbledore! The role you assigned him was perfect, and his eccentricity was great.
Mary and Remus putting their heads together spells disaster, I think. But part of me also hopes they'll get together by the end of the story. :P
Sorry for the dashed-off review, but I want to see what happens next!Author's Response: You're one of the few that has!
I had fun writing Dumbledore. He's a bit like his canon counterpart, but I tried not to make him too much like him. Also, I'd be a liar if I said he wasn't inspired by Gaius on Merlin - because he is.
Oh, those two lovable dunderheads. The amount of trouble they get up to. And who knows? Maybe they will end up together! I haven't decided just yet but this universe's Remus deserves some happiness, too!
Nonsense, this review was lovely, just as all of your others have been! Report Review
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