I think this chapter was absolutely perfect!
I can't tell you how much I love this story. It's one of the only one's I still come on HPFF to read.
"I think my heart just melted into a soda puddle" - I LOVED that, haha :)Author's Response: Aww thank you!! Wow, one of the only one's you still read? I feel so honored! Thank you so much for reviewing! You don't know how much that means to me. *hugs*
~foundriapenguin Report Review
Very interesting and original!
This seems like a very promising story!
I get a very dark and gloomy feel from this story, which is good since I love things like that :P
Anyway... you have a lot of grammar mistakes.
"The woods heard all and they, the creatures of the night moved forward, curious by the sound."
-- You should have anther comma between "night" and "moved".
"Please Harry. I beg you he is only a baby. please?"
-- I think this would be better if you did it something like this "Please Harry! I beg you! He is only a baby!" You don't really need that extra please in there...
If you go back and re-read I'm sure you'll spot the other little mistakes in there ;)
But I must also point out that you tend to make random words capitalized.
"The night was Dark and eerie and the forest was Alive with dark activity."
--It's really unnecessary to have "dark" and "alive" capitalized, and as I was reading the chapter, I found I was getting distracted every time I saw something like that.
I suggest going through your chapter and checking for those kinds of mistakes before you post it, or perhaps getting a beta ;)Author's Response: Thanks for getting back to me. Yeah I've trying to get a beta on this for 2 weeks now but ummm nobody is interested enough i guess. I do tend to make errors like this and i Appreciate you pointing them out. I intend to go back over them and fix them when i get a Beta. Thank you so much. Report Review
Haha. I still love this story ;)Author's Response: hahaha I will try to ASAP but I'm not sure when exactly I can! Thanks for still keeping up with this story, I really appreciate it!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
I love this story!
Can't wait to see what happens :DAuthor's Response: Thanks! Neither can I! :D Report Review
I ADORE this story!
It's so so well written. Update soon, please?Author's Response: Thank you! It surprises me every time someone says it's well written because I don't think that at all! And just about every time I submit a chapter I have the next three chapters already written, so updates should be super fast! Report Review
This story is amazing!
I seriously just came on here today to see if this story has been update... and it was! I was so excited, hehe.
Anyway... this chapter was lovely. A tad short, but still very good.
Update soon please?
10/10Author's Response: AHH! I'm so glad you like my story. Ecstatic, really.
I will update as soon as I get the kinks out of the next chapter, I promise! Thanks so much for reviewing!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
Aww. Poor Dom :(
I'm not very fond of Rose, which feels weird because nearly every other next generation story I've read revolves around Rose, and I love her, haha.
This chapter was very good, in my opinion. Not too much happened, but it was still quite long. Maybe you should try to only add stuff that is absolutely essential to the story so you're not going on and on about stuff that doesn't matter just to take up space.
I still adore your main character, Dom. She's so funny, outgoing, and different. She's perfect.
I noticed a few spelling/grammar errors and again, they were very minor and took nothing away from the overall story.
I really can't wait to see where this story goes! It has so much potential and you could do so much with it!
10/10Author's Response: I think the chapters are as long as they are because it's narrated by Dom, who includes a lot of her points of view and all. She talks a lot. Plus, I think in this chapter, you were introduced to Fred and more of James, so that might help as well.
I try not to ramble though. :P
Thank youuu! Report Review
Hello! This is onlyimagine from the forums, here for your requested review ;)
Oh, and sorry it took so long. I've been a tad busy, haha.
I really like this so far. I love the fact that she's so different from her sister and her mother. I think a lot of people can relate to that somewhat. I also like the fact that her only friends are guys and she only has three because that's something I rarely see with her character.
James is funny. I like him the best so far ;) Hehe.
There's nothing bad I can say about this chapter except for the fact that you have a couple spelling mistakes. They're nothing major and thankfully don't take away from the lovely story ;)
Well, I'm off to read chapter two!
I give this one a 10/10 - because there was absolutely nothing that I would change (except for those minor spelling errors ;)).Author's Response: Thank you so much. (: I appreciate you taking the time to read over the story.
I try to fix all of my errors, but you know how that goes. Some things go unseen by the writer.
Thanks again! Report Review
Aw. That was so cute... in a sad, pitiful sort of way.
I really like this idea! And I loved that it was about Cho because I rarely see any stories about her. I thought your main character was adorable, haha. I was hoping he would've asked her out in the end :(
I guess all stories can't have happy endings though.
I didn't see anything spelling/grammar errors so good job on that! I think you could've made this longer, though. I would've liked to see some more scenes with them talking. And maybe some more background information on the main character?
Other than that though, this was a nice little read! I can honestly say I really enjoyed reading this ;)
10/10Author's Response: Hey!
Awh, thank you so, so much!
Thank you very much!
Hmm.. good point.
A few people have said they'd like it longer, so I'm sure I'm going to extend it soon.
Thank you so much! :D Report Review
I love how this story is coming along! Your characterizations are, as I said in my last review, spot on!
A few errors, though:
"No! Absolutely not! Ron leapt to his feet. "When I spent Christmas at Shell Cottage, I promised myself that if I found my way back to you, I would never leave again. I would never abandon my family...any of my family. -- Hmm. A few tiny errors here. There should be a quotation mark after "not!" and after "family." I'm sure those were just typos though ;)
"it's not for ever. It's only a year." -- It should be "forever". Again, I'm pretty sure it was just a typo (and nearly everyone has a few), but those small things tend to bother me.
Anyway, this was a lovely chapter! I tad shorter than the last, but still a nice read ;)
9/10 - Fix those little errors and it'll be a well deserved 10/10.Author's Response: Thanks again for reviewing! I'm working on finding a beta reader to help me with some of those typos and errors. Thanks for pointing them out. Sometimes it's hard to find them in your own work. Report Review
This was a very good start, I thought!
Your characterizations where really spot on! And I loved the repitition with the last sentence "That's what is most important".
There were a few tense problems, along with a few spelling/grammar errors, but they're very minor and you should spot them if you go skim through and edit the chapter ;)
Anyway, great job! I really enjoyed reading this and I'm off to chapter two!
9/10 - simply because of those few mistakes I mentioned up there ^^Author's Response: Thanks for reading and for your thoughtful review. It's much appreciated :) I'll be sure to go back through and proofread. Report Review
That was quite good, if I do say so myself ;)
I think you wrote Fleur perfectly. The "eets" and "aves" weren't annoying at all. They kept her in character ;)
I like how you portrayed her as sort of a shopaholic, haha, but I wasn't too fond of the Goblin scene. Whenever I think of goblins, I think of nasty, unfriendly creatures. You made them seem kind and friendly...
Also, towards the end, Fleur talks and it doesn't really sound like... her, if you know what I mean. She sounds like she's talking perfect english: "Well, thank you for... listening to my problems. You really are far too nice".
Also... I found her sudden mood change to be quite odd at the end. One second she was depressed and then she became hopeful? All because a man listened to her problems for a few minutes? I would have given a bigger reason for her sudden shift of emotions...
There were no grammar/spelling errors I found, and I actually enjoyed reading this and I do hope you continue ;)
9/10Author's Response: Aw, thankyou :)
Really? I'm so glad that you do! Yeah, I wasn't sure if they were, but I'm glad they weren't. I was trying as much as possible to write her in canon. I had the idea of having a character who was like me, obsessed with shopping and Fleur just kind of fit.
But, truthfully, they aren't as mean as everyone thinks. Some are, but some aren't.
Yeah, it's just because I didn't know where I could change her pronunciation. She's very like that, though. And she was a little hopeful because she's trying to be optimistic. And then her shoe breaking kind of brought her back to reality. But, I get what you mean. Aw, I'm glad that you did and I will continue!
Thankyou so so much for reading and reviewing! I appreciate it :) Report Review
First off, you're suppossed to say "fifth year, seventh year, etc" not "fifth GRADE". They don't have grades. They have years...
Your writing was okay. You had a few grammar errors so you might want to go back and re-read ;)
This was an interesting read, but I thought it lacked plot. You just seemed to be going on and on about random stuff and then finally at the end it starts to get a little more interesting because there's an actual problem (which is what every story needs to keep it entertaining...). So... I hope you're planning on adding another chapter to this story and getting an actual plot going ;)
Also, I must point out that it is very unlikely that the students would be aloud to have that type of party at Hogwarts. Students getting completely wasted? Not likely to happen, but this is your story after all and you can do whatever you want in it ;)
Just work on your writing a bit; use bigger words; maybe get a beta for those grammar and spelling errors; and try to be a tad more detailed so your descriptions can come out clear and vivid in the reader's mind.
This was an okay start ;)
7/10Author's Response: hi sorry for the late reply,
but thank you for the review.
Estelle XOX Report Review
I quite liked this!
I hardly ever read stories that focus on Remus and it was nice to read something different ;)
I liked this idea, but I was a tad confused at the end.
You went from Remus being angry with Tonks to being happy with Tonks and their baby? I would have liked to have read how Remus finally made the decision to let himself get close to someone again.
Also, at the very end you first say that Teddy is sleeping, then a few sentences later you say that he is playing with blocks. You might want to fix that ;)
Overall, this story was very good. The writing was great; your descriptions amazing. I would just work on describing what had made Remus change his feelings ;)
9/10Author's Response: Hey!
Thank you very much (:
I know right! Even Marauders stories are all focused on James/Lily.
That's true! I'm glad you pointed that out, I'll see how I can change that, and maybe add in an extra scene.
Thanks for telling me about Teddy sleeping, next second playing as well! Obviously I didn't notice that.
Thank you very much for your feedback!
It really is helpful, and I'm grateful you took the time to read and review, thanks! :) Report Review
Aw, man! I wanted to know what house she got into, haha.
I loved this chapter, even though it seemed to be a bit of a filler.
I noticed a few spelling mistakes here and there, but they weren't major enough for me to feel the need to point them out. If you go re-read the chapter, I'm sure you'll spot them right away ;)
Again... I'm not sure what to make of your main character. She just seems so... unhappy.
Conan makes me smile. He's so cute, haha.
I was very surprised when Albus got into Slytherin! Hmm. I wonder if there's a reason why you chose to put him there...
For a minute there, I thought that Scorpius was going to get into Gryffindor, for some reason. I think that would've been pretty funny. But I do think he probably belongs in Slytherin.
Anyway, great chapter! I'm looking forward to the next one ;)
10/10Author's Response: Thanks for all the reviews!
Haha yeah. I hope to have the next chapter up soon, so you'll get to know.
I went back and lo and behold there were a few errors. Thanks for telling me!
Peyton is unhappy... Hmm...
Conan is indeed cute. :3
I am a firm believer in Albus = Slytherin. It's clichÃÂ©, sure, but I just think he's got the right stuff. I did put him there for a reason, which will come up later.
OMG plot bunny. Scorpius in Gryffindor... But no, I put him where he'd be safest for this fic.
Thanks so much for all of your wonderful reviews and great ratings! Chapter four is on the way.
Haha. That was so cute and funny!
I'm not sure whether or not I really like your Peyton character... or hate her.
She seems very sure of herself, but tends to act a tad... grumpy... and sarcastic. But she's also very mature for her age and very witty. So again, I'm not sure yet if I love her or hate her.
I happen to find Conan to be adorable, haha. Scorpius seems very interesting; I really want to keep reading and find out more about him.
Overall, this chapter was written very well, but try and keep only the information that is absolutely necessary ;) Don't add in extra words just to take up space.
10/10Author's Response: Thanks! for the review!
Haha I made Peyton like that purposefully. She's kind of a character that you love to hate. Sometimes you feel for her, and sometimes you want to tell her what for lol.
Scorpius = interesting. LOL. That is sooo true. I hope to write A LOT more of him.
OMG you noticed that? I have a quota that I try to reach for every chapter, and that can sometimes result in filler words. Great eye there.
Thanks again for reviewing!
This was very interesting.
The things I said in my last review pretty much covers what I thought about this chapter; it was very well written, flowed nicely, and the descriptions were very clear.
I happened to think that your main character, Peyton, was a tad too mature for a nine year old, but that's just a personal opinion ;)
The chapter itself was very interesting and I quite enjoyed reading it. I'm making a big leap here, but I'm guessing that Conan is the one who ends up killing Peyton? I guess I'll just have to keep reading to find out, huh?
I found no errors with spelling or grammar, and... there's nothing negative I have to say about your story so far (well, except that your Peyton character seems a little too mature...).
Great job ;)
10/10Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
Yes, you are absolutely right. Peyton does seem too mature. I just don't know how to write little kids... I'll hopefully be able to go back and edit this later when I have matured as a writer and fix that.
Conan ends up at least trying to kill Peyton. We don't know if he succeeds or not yet, though.
Thanks so much for the great and encouraging review!
Ooh! This sounds really interesting!
Your Peyton character sounds very cool; witty and sarcastic. I like it ;)
Your writing is very smooth and the story seems to flow very well. Your descriptions are wonderful; very vivid and clear.
I found nothing wrong with this chapter.
I'm very curious to see just what is going on exactly so I'm off to read the next chapter!
10/10Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
Yay interesting! *grins*
Haha sarcastic and witty is right. Cool, too? If Peyton weren't so unsociable, she might be flattered by those words!
Glad it seems to flow well! "Vivid and clear." Wow I suddenly feel so talented lol. XD
Also glad that there weren't any glaring errors.
Thanks again for the review!
I really enjoyed reading this!
It was wonderfully written and flowed very nicely. Your characterizations seemed spot on (to me at least...), and your descriptions were very vivid.
I found a few errors:
"This, I knew was an unusual thing." - There should be a comma after "knew".
"The moon, now awake in its nocturnal bliss cast a pallid glow over" - There should be a comma after "bliss".
"This did not bother me, if anything; the weather was the least of my worries." - There's really no need to use a semi-colon in there. A comma would be better ;)
Like I said before, your writing is very detailed and clear. The story flows very well and the imagery is very vivid.
I must say that I wasn't a huge fan on the Mulciber scene. I understand why you included it in this story, but I also think that you could've just kept the entire thing focused on just James and Lily.
Anyway, this story was very good. A few punctuation and spelling mistakes here and there, but nothing too major.
9/10Author's Response: Oh, thankyou for pointing those mistakes out, commas can be a nightmare some times. Thanyou so much for your review, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review this, and wow, a 9, that's great, I'm so happy.
Jane_Volturi Report Review
That was so good! This is definately my favorite chapter so far!
Your writing is very smooth and flows very well. Your descriptions are perfect and your characters seem very believeable.
I also must say that I loved her flashback of her first kiss. It was so cute... in a sad, pathetic kind of way, haha.
I found a few mistakes:
"all I could think about was his jet black hair and how he never ran his hand through his hair, like Albus so often did." - There's really no need to say "hair" twice. Replacing the second one with "it" would sound just as good, in my opinion.
"my sticky, now sweaty, hand, he leads me" - There's no need for a comma before "hand".
"trying to get them to quiet+ down" - Uh, I don't really understand your purpose of putting the plus sign in there... I think it would be better if you removed it ;)
Great job! I really can't wait to see what happens next!
9/10 - only because of those ^ errors ;)Author's Response: Hi again!
I'm glad this was your favorite chapter! I wasn't too sure about it, mostly because I used this chapter to introduce so many people, but I only gotten postive feedback on it, so I guess I did something okay. :P
Oh thanks for pointing out those mistakes! Oh my *racks head in confusion* I don't even know what I was thinking with the plus sign. I would think that I accidently typed it, but on my computer, the = sign is the dominant letter, and I have to press the shift key to for the + sign. Oh well *sends her keyboard a very quizzical look*
Thanks for the lovely review! I hope you like what's to come! :D Report Review
She has a boyfriend? Huh. Didn't really expect that...
This chapter was much better! It was longer and the descriptions were much more vivid and detailed ;)
I only found two errors:
"I lean across the table to grab a roll, accidently knocking over a porcelain bowl of jam over the table, onto my robes." - I don't really like how you say "over" twice. There's really no need for the first "over" to be in there, so I suggest removing that ;)
"He and my sister, Victorie are still going strong." - There should be a comma after "Victoire".
Great job hun! I really enjoyed reading this chapter, and I must say that I love your characters! Scorpius is my favorite so far. I just adore how overprotective he is!
10/10Author's Response: Hi again!
I'm glad you liked the descriptions and details in this chapter more! I love writing dialouge and I'm not a big fan TOO much detail, but I do try my best to balance out my writing.
Thanks for pointing out those errors. I'll go back and edit them. :)
Thanks for the lovely review and lovely rating! And I'm glad you like Scorpius. He is a bit of a cutie, no? :P Report Review
Aw. I found that to be cute, oddly enough, haha.
It was sort of short, but the writting was good. Maybe you could try to add a bit more descriptive details?
There weren't any spelling or grammar mistakes that I could find, so good job on that!
I can't really comment much on the characters because... well, there's not really enough information in this chapter for me to form an opinion on them.
But I do like the main character's name ;D Very unique!
8/10Author's Response: Hey there!
Ah, you found this story cute? Well, that's always a good way to begin, no? :P
Thanks for the review! I see you left another one too, so onwards! :D Report Review
Oooh! This is going to be a good story. I can tell!
It's very original and very well written. You have just the right amount of speaking and descriptions; not too much of one and not too much of another, so that's good.
This is also the first (or, well, I THINK it's the first... I can't remember reading any others...) next generation fic I've read that already has them (i.e. Scorpius, Rose, Albus, ect.) out of school. I like it because it's so unlike anything else I've read.
I spotted a few errors:
"bottle but Al held it just out of reach." - There should be a comma before "but" ;)
"So quite cocking about all the time so" - It should be "quit".
"He gulped down nearly half of it in a matter of moments." - Personally, I think this sentence would sound better if you just used the word "seconds" instead of "moments".
Other than that, everything else was great! This story has great potential and I honestly cannot wait to read more.
9/10 - only because of the little mistakes ;)
Awesome job!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you think it's so original and well written. *blushes* But it's also very helpful of you to point out those little mistakes. I'll fix them ASAP. :)
Thanks again for taking the time to read and reviewing, the next chapter is in the queue! Report Review
W o w !
I can't believe how nasty everyone at Hogwarts acts towards poor Alice!
And I was so not expecting her sister to be so cruel! How awful :(
Two mistakes this time:
"He spies an flattened and empty soda can among the books." - Instead of "an" it should just be "a" ;)
"I can feel the fury building up inside of me. But I will not give Potter the satisfaction of a reaction today." - I think this would sound better if you combined the two sentences with a comma.
But other than that, this chapter was perfect! Probably my favorite out of the three, and I demand that you update now!! Haha. Just kidding. But I do like this story very much and would love to read more :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for your input about the grammar! Usually I like to think myself good at it, but those pesky little mistakes always seem to evade me. Grrr. (:
You're not the only one to express your disbelief at Alice's treatment at school O: However, I'm trying to make it as raw as possible to show that bullying can be more than taking lunch money. Hope it's working! I'm excited that you really like my story -- I'll be sure to stop by your review thread when I update!
~foundriapenguin Report Review
Aww. Poor Alice! I feel so sorry for her!
But I have a feeling her and Albus are going to get together. Am I right? Haha. I can't wait to see how that happens! Well... if it does happen, anyway...
I found one tiny mistake:
"I can't, I cannot calm down. " - There's really no need for both "I can't" and "I cannot" ;)
Other than that, this chapter was brilliant! I'm completely hooked to this story now, hehe.
And it gets a very well deserved 10/10!
See you next chapter ;)Author's Response: 10/10? AHHH. (: I'm so happy you think so!!!
Yes, the "I can't, I cannot" seems kind of redundant, but I put both for emphasis on how Alice is feeling. So..yeah. xD
And you'll just have to see how the story plays out, if Albus and Alice get together (;
~foundriapenguin Report Review
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