Hello, this is SlytherinDream with the review you requested (:
This was a really great one shot, it definitely sucked me in pretty quickly. The emotional turmoil in it is just breathtaking, and I like how you displayed the challenge idea very well.
I really liked your sad ending. A lot of people might go out of flow and make it happy, but the ending you've chosen fits right in with the story, and I really enjoyed reading it all. (:
There were a few typos and other things, which can definitely happen all the time when you post a fic quickly (happens to me a lot xD) But it's nothing a read-over won't fix (:
Overall, it's a nice fic you've got here, and one I'd definitely recommend (:Author's Response: Thanks for the review, I'm trying to go back and look for the typos. I really wanted an unhappy ending here, because that's the realistic thing. I'm glad you agree. Thanks! Report Review
Hey, it's SlytherinDream from the forums with the much belated review (sorry about that).
Very interesting story you have here. I've never really bothered to read a Draco/Astoria, but I'm glad you posted in my review thread with this one (:
There were a couple of grammar things to be looked over, but it's nothing a beta can't help you with (:
I really enjoyed the story, it was a well-written plotline. However, for me the flow was kind of dodgy, and I feel like this should be a short story. However, it is good as it stands, and I definitely really enjoyed it! (:Author's Response: Hi there!
I happy to hear that you enjoyed it! Thanks for the review and I will take another look at the story to fix the grammar issues.
GG007 Report Review
Oh how my vision of Dumbledore has fallen XD Report Review
Thanks for tearing down the oh-so-wonderful knock knock joke.
Gosh. Kidding, I love this story xD And you know it (:
(shortest review ever) XDAuthor's Response: LOL thank you for the review Haley :D I was going through my stories and was just.. Did I get a new review? O_o XD Ily! Report Review
What a twist!
I definitely did not see that coming at all! That was very sneaky of Brandon's real father to do that xD Lucius will likely not be pleased at all.
I can't wait to see what happens when and if Lucius gets the letter!
Brandon's real family is.interesting. It's weird to see how connected they all are, but rather disconnected at the same time. They are also rather formal, which is maybe a link to their power, but I may be over-stretching, I just thought of Brandon's formality xD
Nice job on this chapter, I really enjoyed it!
10/10Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you liked that twist and that it took you by surprise. While the Malfoy family loves him, his fame was his own detriment. Malfoy vengeance is embodied in Lucius. They are very disconnected. In some later stories, more secrets of the Aetasvici are revealed. Stay tuned for several more twists. Report Review
This chapter was amazing. And if I had a thesaurus on me (and I wasn't too lazy to use the one online xD) then I would put down a bunch of synonyms for amazing, because all of them would describe this chapter.
I love the way you've explained Brandon's power, and how intricately developed the history was. Usually I'll see someone with a power, and then the person ends it with that, with no real description or history on it.
It feels like I'm not being useful anymore, because I don't really have much constructive criticism to give you anymore, because this story is really turning out rather well (:
The description Brandon gave of the cloves he smokes was very well done, and basically spot on (: I enjoyed the spot of humour at the end, with the horns and tails. It's a very natural reaction for someone to have when they learn they have a certain special power, because they'd be anxious about what comes with it.
10/10Author's Response: Thank you. I'm so glad you like it. The cloves, while I am an adamant nonsmoker, I admit to having enjoyed a couple of clove cigarettes in my day and the taste was exactly as I described. As they say, write what you know. Sadly, the company that he refers to and states that they are no longer made is true and I have had a couple of drags off others and none compare, even the most expensive ones. You are being useful, you're making my day:) Report Review
Hello there! I must thank you for re-posting in my thread. I honestly enjoy this story a lot. I will soon send you a PM with a proposition (:
I really like how you've developed Brandon's special talent. Perhaps he is what he's talking about when he says there's higher than vampire on the chain. But, I guess I'll have to wait and see (:
Your characterization is outstanding, and I really enjoy Lucius. (For the less than obvious reasons :P) The spark of humour at the end was definitely refreshing. I like how you portrayed Gizelle's reaction to Brandon, and how she instantly apparated away. It really sets the stage for Brandon's power.
Narcissa is amazing, you've kept her in character quite well, with the support and concern she has toward Brandon. Also, the part where Brandon calls Lucius father was really squeeful (:
Kudos on another great chapter!
10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much. Yes Brandon is my most original character and I wanted an interesting background. Also, to give him powers not seen but plausible. After, someone had to have invented Time-Turners but the family had to be hidden or they would have been mentioned. At the same time, Brandon is flawed but not horribly since he had a decent childhood. I like unique quirks in characters so they're interesting. He's continued throughout the anthology. As to Lucius, on the forums you should check out Ask Lucius. Report Review
Can I steal James for a second and give him a nice long hug???
Beautiful description of the aftermath of the injury. It's absolutely astounding. Brilliant, even. It's just very realistic, *something that some people can't describe* and you really feel what James is feeling because you've described his emotions so well.
I'm glad that you wrote the reaction to Harry's letter the way you did. A lot of people might make them lovey- and James would go over, but since James is going through so much, your story works a lot better with keeping him in character.
Another superb job, and please do post in my review thread again when more chapters are up!
10/10Author's Response: Thank you for the compliments on the description! I was hoping there would be enough without being too weird and angsty, so thank you! I'm so glad the emotions came through.
James, as you'll see, is a lot like Harry in that he isolates himself when he's upset, which is exactly why he reacted the way he did to Harry's letter. Thanks for noticing that!
I will definitely come back and request more reviews - I'd love to know what you think of how the story wraps up in a few chapters.
Thank you! Report Review
Hello! SlytherinDream from the forums here with your review!
First of all, I have to say I love this:
“Well, it still hurts,” grumbled James. “Feels like my sodding arm is going to fall off!”
“Sorry, Mum. Feels like my…like my lovely, tap-dancing arm is about to fall off.”
-dies- That made me laugh. At first I was worried about reading this, because of the characters, quote and object you were given to work with, but I really enjoyed this chapter! It's just how I pictured good old James in the future (:
Your characterization was very solid, which is good (: If I were to give you any sort of constructive feedback (which is proving to be very hard) it'd be to possibly get a beta? Though I didn't see many spelling/grammar in this chapter.
Ack, forget my attempts xD This chapter was squeeful!
10/10Author's Response: Haha! I'm so glad you pointed out those lines. The "lovely tap-dancing arm" line is my favorite in the entire chapter. It was one of those rare moments where read what I had just written and went, "My God, it's brilliant!" :-) It made me happy to know the line didn't go unnoticed. I could hear James saying it so clearly in my mind.
You're right, the parameters I was given for the story were formidable at first. I was thinking, "How am I going to make this into something remotely decent?" Luna and the dictionary will most likely pop up in the final chapter, and I'll definitely be interested to know your opinion on that part.
Thank you for your comments about the characterization. I hope I'm able to keep it up through the next few chapters!
Thanks for your review! Report Review
Hello Alicia love. I'm here with your not-so-prompt review xD (Sorry about that)
Anyway I'm not sure I mentioned it in my last review, but there's a great resource at the forums in writer's workshop for 'britishisms' and it might be an interesting read. I'm not really stickler on britishism, though, it's just other people might be, and since this is for a challenge, I believe, they might be too :P
Anyway, I love this story. I do. And I enjoy Ron and his nephews very much. You've done the characterization very well, and I'm definitely looking forward to later chapters.
Again, I'll refrain from grammar comments xD
10/10Author's Response: Hello, Haley! ^_^
Ah, yes. The oh so famous resourse section. I do actually have that saved in my favorites on IE! I try and keep up with some of the britishisms as much as possible, but I guess I didn't catch all of it. Hopefully my beta's will clear that up for me.
Characterizations are one thing I struggle with as well and I'm glad I've mannaged to accomplish working with them.
I'm glad you are liking this hun! I'll try and have a chapter ready for the queue when it reopens on the 24th! ;)
Don't worry about it dear! ^_^
Thanks for reviewing love! Report Review
Lucius thanks you. xD
And so do I. That was definitely yet another amazing chapter, and I'm so glad I got to read Lucius getting his revenge. -dies of love-
I really really (there aren't enough reallys) appreciate how intricately Astrum has Lucius around her cute little fingers. And I'm so happy she is okay (for now, who knows, you're good at major twists :P).
The only thing I'd like to see is more about Brandon again! Other than that, another amazing chapter, this is definitely one of the more enjoyable stories I've read!
10.10Author's Response: Thank you. As you can see, Lucius is my FAVE to write because he is just too much fun. He so lives for his revenge. Instead of killing him off, I always thought it would be great to make him a sympathetic dark wizard. Plus I couldn't consider getting rid of that devious sense of humor. In the film, Jason just brought too much lusciousness to the character which I absolutely loved. If you would like to see exactly how Astrum wrapped Lucius around her finger, check out Rotcellocxat. Report Review
That's all I can say. Beautifully written chapter, absolutely amazing. Definitely had me on my feet (figuratively...because, well, I was sitting xD)
To be honest, I really wasn't sure about some of the characterization of the characters at first, especially Astrum, but you have developed them so well that they are most definitely growing on me.
Just to see a completely different side of Draco is really refreshing, and you do it so well without going off the IC ship :P
Keep up the good work, and I'm looking forward to the next chapters!
10/10Author's Response: Thank you. Yes - at this point they have grown and Hermione's influence on the family especially on Draco definitely shows. Plus the events of the war have knocked everyone down a few pegs. I appreciate your support. You have made my day. Report Review
How could you?
You made me pull out the kleenex! D:
You were right! There are so many unexpected twists, even just in this one chapter! I was definitely not expecting the whole Draco Minister thing XD
Your characterization is really growing on me (: I never ever thought I would feel an ounce of sorrow for Lucius, but, this chapter made me!
I also love how the pieces are slowly falling into place, and I'm finally seeing a broader spectrum of what's going on in terms of POV from all sides, which is hard to do with first person (:
Kudos on a great chapter! I look forward to more!
10/10Author's Response: Well thank you. It's always great to convert someone to the dark side. If you really want to feel for Lucius, Mon Ange and Misdeeds will gain some great insight into his background. And now for a shameless plug: see Ask Lucius on the forums. I answer help questions from his POV which brings high comedy. I'm glad you like my mixed POV. It is totally necessary to the end of this which has a big twist. Report Review
Hello, me again with your second review!
I would like to start by saying that I hope to see more of this story soon, I will definitely be keeping my eye out. It's very wonderfully written, and the characterization is simply astounding.
I don't think I've ever read any other Dramione fic that's kept Draco and Hermione the same, and so identical to the characters I know and love. You've honestly done a brilliant job on this.
I know reviews aren't really helpful without constructive criticism and whatnot, but the only thing I can suggest is possibly putting more description/character emotion between the lines of dialogue.
I'll be anxiously awaiting the third chapter! (:
10/10Author's Response: Thank you for this! :D I am starting to work on the next chapter already (from more of Hermione's point of view again - I hope to switch back and forth each chapter), and will be sure to request you again. It's great that you like the story enough to want to read more!
More description, I can do that. This chapter was coming up short on word count, so maybe that's what was needed! Thank you for that suggestion, I really appreciate it. Adding more emotion would help, especially when I get to the more dramatic parts. :) Report Review
Hello there, it's SlytherinDream from the forums with the review you requested!
There's only really one grammar thing I found:
"The exasperated sigh that released itself from Hermione’s tight lips." My suggestion would maybe be "An exasperated sigh released itself from Hermione's tight lips."
Characterization: Being as this is a Dramione, I worried about what Hermione's character would be like, and how much she would be altered. But you've done a marvelous job in keeping her in character while moving the plot forward (: But I'll talk more about the plot piece later.
I also liked how you incorporated the whole "Harry and Ron are Aurors, but Hermione's not" sort of thing. You've portrayed Hermione's emotions about these various things very well, and it was certainly an enjoyable read!
Plot: I really like where you're going with this, if I'm right in my assumptions. Everything you've done so far will definitely make this an original and refreshing Dramione story, without losing either of the characters in the mix.
I'm very much looking forward to reading and reviewing the next chapter, and thought I should let you know in advance I will not be able to get to the next one until later this afternoon (:
Great start! I'm looking forward to the rest!Author's Response: I've fixed that line - it seems like I was meaning to make the sentence longer, but never got to it. Arg, that happens to me a lot. Thank you for noticing it and telling me. :D
And thank you for this review, I really appreciate that you were able to do this! I'm starting to get a better feel for Hermione and Draco, and how I want them to be for this story thanks to all the great reviewers, you included.
The Dramione plot tends to make both characters OOC, but I don't want to succumb to that. I'm glad that Hermione especially is in character. As for her relationship with Harry and Ron, I thought it was strange that the three of them sort of split up in their chosen careers. Being Aurors, I expect that both Harry and Ron would be away a lot, chasing down the remnants of the dark armies, yet Hermione chooses a job that keeps her exclusively in Britain, mostly at a desk job, I expect. It suits her bookishness, but divides up the trio in an unexpected way. While I thought she wouldn't mind for a while having a Ministry job, eventually, it would have to affect her negatively (which is like the whole basis of my story). So it's great you liked that. :)
I hope that this story does develop into a different sort of Dramione - I think that the ship does have potential, but all the cliches keep getting in the way. ;) Thank you again for the review! Report Review
I see your dark side! :O Who knew you had it in you?!
This is a wonderfully written one-shot, and it was so engaging! I think this story definitely ranks high on enjoyment, as well, and in less than 1000 words, too! (:
I really enjoyed Tobias' character. It's just so.I can't even explain it! He's just so.evil, and.amazing! I'm surprised you were able to do so much with a character in a mere one shot!
I know I'm not being helpful with nothing really to criticize, but...you'll live :P haha!
10.10 for sure!Author's Response: DREAMS! -tackle-
I know! Who knew that this little cute Southern belle has a dark side -evil cackle- Muhaha!
Thank you for the wonderful compliments. I'm so excited that one of my favorite people ever likes something that I wrote :]
No criticism? 'Tis a miracle!
Thanks so, so much, my dear! ^_^ Report Review
Hello, it's SlytherinDream (Haley) from the forums with the review you requested!
I'm going to sort of pass over grammar and spelling, since I know for sure you'll be in good hands with my twiny as your beta (:
Characters: Ginny is exactly how I pictured her to be xD Angry housewifes unite! However, in further chapters, perhaps set her in a different element? Let us see another side of her so the reader can engage in her character a little more? Just a suggestion (:
I'm looking forward to seeing more of why Hermione would stop contact with the other two in the trio, and I have a feeling you'll be able to pull it off really well (:
Plot: Some of the things you put in this chapter aren't really...moving the plot forward, for lack of better phrasing. Maybe just cutting down on the 'beef' and refocusing on things that will move the plot by? A few slices of 'beef' are good, in moderation (I do hope you appreciated my comparison. I'm currently eating a beef sandwich and it came to mind xD)
Overall: Really interesting story. I'm looking forward to seeing how it fleshes out in later chapters. I do hope you come by my review thread once you have the next chapters up, because I'll definitely read them (:
9/10Author's Response: Hey there Haley!
Yes, Twinsy will put things right I'm sure. She's graduating tomorrow, so I know I won't get it back then, but I'm sure I will soon! Gotta love Shelly! :)
I'm glad you liked Ginny's characterization. I was a little worried about that. As for the second chapter, there isn't much parenting of her in there. To tell you the truth, I don't think we'll find much more of Ginny's parenting skills in the story. :(
I hope that when you find out why she's been hidden for five years, that you won't be too disappointed.
I can never really start of a story well. I don't know why. Once I get the first few chapters going tho, I'm okay. At least I think. *shrugs* Haha, I love your comparison. Your making my mouth water! :p
I'm glad you liked it. I'm a little leary on what people will make of my story, but I'm so glad you are willing to find out what happens next and I will most definately stop by again. In fact, the second chapter is in the queue as we speak! ;)
Thank you for such a long and thoughtful review! :)
*Alicia Report Review
Do I even need an introduction anymore? -dies- xD
Anyways, lovely addition to the story, dear. I just have a little thing to mention before I go on to 'oohing' and 'ahing'
Astrum seems.a little advanced (Kind of like Brandon did to me in the first chapter). Again, repeating myself: I just should probably read the other stories to see the background before jumping to any sort of conclusion on character development. I guess I thought differently for Astrum because she is only a little girl, and far younger than Brandon, so it seems OOC to a point, but, like I said, I shouldn't be one to pass judgement when I haven't read the previous story(ies).
I like how you tied Lucius to Astrum, I thought it was very well done and a very important part of his ongoing redemption (forgive me if I didn't take that the way I should).
I hope that you have managed to at least find my reviews helpful, feel free to drop a line on the thread if you'd like me to review the next three chapters.
-HaleyAuthor's Response: Thank you. Yes - spot on with Astrum being tied to Lucius' redemption. While he has been on that path for quite awhile because, let's face it, he would have a long ways to go, she helps him to discover his humanity. In other stories, Lucius' phonetics ability which gets passed 'own to her is explained - Misdeeds and Miscreants. I'll try to mix it up with some of the language. Based on the feedback, I;ll also add some exposition. I appreciate the insights. Report Review
It's me, pesky SlytherinDream again!
(: I enjoy how the story is progressing, and I forgot to mention in my review of the last chapter that I like how you've weaved music into this, and I'm looking forward to where you're going with it.
The dialogue in this chapter seems a tad forced. Perhaps where there is dialogue, add a bit more of a descriptive aspect? Don't get me wrong, the path of the dialogue is very clear and enjoyable to read, I just think at certain points it seems a little forced.
Looking forward to the next chapter, this and the last one were excellently written (:Author's Response: Thank you. The music in this does connect to the plot. Normally, I just listen to it as I write to help with moods or inspiration and such. Add description and expressions to the dialog -that is a very good point. I'm glad you like my plots. Aside from mysteries, I like elaborate political intrigue plots to read which I guess translates to writing twisted plots as well. I also like to journey my characters. It's fun to turn the hated Lucius into someone people like. Report Review
Hey! It's SlytherinDream here with the review you requested!
I was admittedly a little confused, but remembered that it was normal, since this isn't the first story in your series.
I think as far as characterization goes, you really threw me off with Lucius. However, I realize this takes place after Azkaban, and let's face it, who wouldn't at least subtly change their ways after prison?
Another character note. It might have been Brandon's background from a previous story, but he seems a little...wise/mature/ beyond his years? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it said he was fifteen, and it seems like this particular story he's telling is a bit...advanced, for lack of better word at the moment. Again though, I would have to read about his past to make any sort of suggestion on judgement.
On a lighter note (again, like I said in my thread, feel free to give me a hard poke over at the forums if I was too harsh), I really like the story, and am looking forward to reading more. It's given me a lot of unexpected twists to the series that I'm so used to, and it's definitely refreshing. Your story is incredibly original, which is a nice thing to read every now and again (:
Off to the next two chapters!Author's Response: Thank you. Spot on. Prison and having his son stand up to him and the wife nearly leaving him changed his attitude considerably. You are correct. Brandon is more advanced for his age. This is partly to the fact that he was an orphan for two years. Also, his grandfather tried to be a good parent to him but he still had to be self-sufficient with no mother around and grandfather working ..along with travel. These are things that would be good to add to explain his character a bit better. Thank you for pointing that out. I guess you could call him a latch key kid. Report Review
Hello Twiny! Author's Response: I know the review cut off, my dear, so I saw it on your Review thread.
Ah, how did I not notice those? They will be fixed right away.
Thanks so, so much, Dreams! -hug- Report Review
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