distantgalaxy with your requested review :)
A good chapter, I enjoyed reading it and seeing Brienne interact with the twins as she settles into Hogwarts.
Just thought I'd point out this line: ' "Defence Against the Dark Arts," Brienne read out loud'
...ok so this might just be a personal preference, but I'm not a fan of when authors write '...read out loud.' Because no one really reads something out loud unless they are by themselves or reading it to someone else...can you imagine sitting in the cafeteria of your school, no friends around, and you just randomly read out "Biology next." Sounds kind of ridiculous, right?
You've written Fred and George spot on, really true to how they were in the books. However, I'm a little worried about Brienne. You haven't really attempted to tell us much about her and it's hard to see her personality in this chapter. Describe how she feels about things in more detail...tell us what's going on in her head, rather than just describing what she is seeing. You did remedy this towards the end of the chapter when the subject of her parents came up (really intriguing by the way!!), but it should be more consistent throughout the chapter. Also, I like the fact that you didn't have her do the stunning spell perfectly, I was fearing that she may stray into the mary-sue territory but you've kept her away!
I'm excited to see where you are going to take this story :)Author's Response: Hi! :) Thanks for pointing out the 'talking to herself' thing, I don't really like that either, so I'll definetely change it if it comes off as unnecessary :) I'll have another look at this chapter and try to add in more detail and characterisation :) Thank you very much for reviewing! Report Review
This is distantgalaxy from the forums :)
Your main concerns were the characterization and the humour. So I'll focus on those points the most :)
To start off with though, I'm not too fond of the way you've chosen to begin the story. I, personally, find it a little cliche and overdone to start with introducing the character right off the bat. Let us get to know Kat throughout the chapter, and don't give us all the info about her so bluntly. I realize it's in her diary and she just wants to explain her life, but I'm sure you can figure out a different way to write it (in fact, when I started keeping a diary, I never felt the need to introduce myself to it...its MY diary, so it's meant more for your own personal use, so I wouldn't really be introducing myself to...myself, right?)
Characterization: We don't really learn much about Kat in this chapter, other than the fact that she's got a massive crush on Lysander. The other girls have been described fairly well (watch out not to make Molly too much of the cliche studious member of the group, though). I'm sure Kat will show more of herself in later chapters, and I'm intrigued to see what she's like. Also, I like that you made Kat have a crush on Lysander, and not be immediately obsessed with James (And I wouldn't mind if the Lysander thing dragged on a bit longer...what do you expect when you represent him as niall ;)
Humour: There's several lines that I really loved, this one especially: "We've been through thick and thin and mildly chubby as well." The humour keeps the story really light hearted and fun to read!
Altogether, it was a really enjoyable read. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
I'll definitely think about what you said about the diary. Maybe I can find a better way to introduce her...
Don't worry, Molly will not be the the cliche studious member! I've already got her story planned out. And James will not come into the picture for a long time yet, so Lysander will be the focus for a while ;)
I'm glad that the humor is ok!
Thanks again, I really appreciate it. Report Review
Hi, sorry it took a while for me to get this review to you. I'm really happy you requested for me to review because this story has amazing potential. I'm really excited to read new chapters when you put them out :)
First, I wanted to say that you did a really good job of writing Hagrid's accent. A lot of writers attempt it, and not too many get it right, but yours is spot on. And it wasn't just Hagrid that you got perfect, all three of the characters were so true to how JK wrote them, and you've made Moody more interesting than ever.
I'm sure you've heard this a lot before, but you have an amazing talent for writing the imagery that sets your scenes. And the way you've slowly built up the intrigue in this chapter is great, really eerie and suspenseful.
I really have no criticism at all! Awesome job :)Author's Response: It's no problem at all - I'm just happy that you offered to give reviews! :D Thank you for taking the time to go over this first chapter - they're always a challenge, but it's wonderful to hear that this one has started out on a high note. Now I only have to hope that I can keep it up!
Wow, thank you for that compliment! I'm glad that the characters were true to the books - I especially wasn't sure with Moody because this isn't the way I've usually written him. Hagrid's accent definitely takes time in order to "hear" him properly - he drops his H's in that old Cockney way, but there are other words that he pronounces strangely. It's great to hear that it turned out. ^_^
Thank you again for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hi, this is your requested review :)
I really like the way you describe the wolf's desires and that you refer to it as another person, and not Remus. Your description of the wolf and it's traits is really well done, and adds a whole deeper perspective to what JK has already given us.
You've also written Remus really well. The last paragraph of the first section is really pivotal as it tugs at the readers heartstrings and you really do feel pity for Remus as much as he hates anyone to do.
Good decision to write the second part of the chapter from the wolfs POV. It shows that he isn't really a monster per say. He feels just as imprisoned as Remus, and all he wants is to run freely. He also attacks the marauders not because he is evil and lusts for blood, but because he is protecting his territory. This really helps the reader connect with both Remus and his Wolf character. However, when we read the last part about him wanting to kill...it becomes a little contradicting. I'm not sure if it was your intention to humanize the wolf a little bit throughout the chapter, but if it does then I can't see him wanting to just kill. Maybe, along with that last sentence you should add additional information. Maybe he wants to kill to get back for being locked up for so long? Because his instincts tell him to do that and only that? Anyways thats just my personal thought :)
Lovely start to the story! Keep it up!Author's Response: I see what you mean about the last line. I was trying to show that Remus and his werewolf were not a monster that I totally didn't see that the last line can be seen a contradictory. What I was to get across is that the werewolf will run by instinct...he was hungry and wants to kill...however I forgot to add the 'hungry' part which is the reason behind the last line.
Other than that, I'm really glad that you liked the wolf's characterization. It was tough trying to get down to an animal level and bring that across without being too descriptive and without much dialogue.
Anyway, I'll go ahead and change the last line before I update the next chapter. Thanks a lot for your feedback!
--Perelandra Report Review
Hi :) this is the review you requested!
I don't usually read one shots so this was a pleasant change!
To begin with, something that I personally would do (but it's a complete personal opinion) is I would start off the story with "I am not saved" and then the next paragraph should be "They say I will be okay. Beneath the willows as..." I think it just makes a much bigger impact to have that statement (which also also happens to be your title) be the first thing the reader reads.
Also, I'm not sure if this is an oversight by you or if it is intentional but you have not capitalized the "c" in "come, Sugar..." throughout the chapter. And also none of the italicized phrases have periods.
I absolutely love love LOVE the way you use your words to paint the story. You've just got such a nice and beautiful flow with the way you write your imagery. I absolutely adore these two sentences: "Time floats over me like a mellow, damp cloud of cigarette smoke. The presence is gone, but the scent clings to the freckles upon my stomach, legs." Sounds very poetic and beautiful and yet it is so simple! That is something I, myself, struggle with...describing something so well with so few words, so well done!
I'm not going to lie though, towards the end I do get a bit confused. I'm sure that this was your intention, but I think it may be a TAD too vague? A little more information towards the end might make it even better than it is, while still allowing the reader to use their own imagination to piece together what has happened.
Over all, a very very amazing one-shot. You should be extremely proud!Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
Thank you for the suggestion, I will consider it!
No, it's not supposed to be capitalized and the phrases aren't supposed to have periods :) It's part of the art of the piece, as it is stream of consciousness! :)
I'm really glad you liked my imagery. It's something I pride myself on, actually. I believe it's very important in any sort of story, so thank you!
Well, the implications are rape, so I had to be vague in order to comply with ToS. But as a writer, for a piece like this, I like to keep it vague - I feel that makes it more classy, you know?
Thanks so much for the review - it is greatly appreciated! Report Review
Hi :) this is the review you requested!
To start with, (this usually wouldn't be the very first thing that I say in a review, but it is extremely distracting) you really really need to proof read before posting your story and maybe even get a beta from the forums (that is someone who proofreads your story for you, can be found in the help section). There are A LOT of spelling mistakes that are so distracting I couldn't pay attention to the story. Especially in the summary. I've fixed your summary for you: "What would happen if Sirius Black wasn't dead? What would happen if a new Black member arrived? What would happen if Harry fell for the new Black girl!? Would the godfather/godson relationship be damaged? Read to find out!!"
I do like the plot, it's interesting that Sirius has a daughter. However, it's odd that she just tells the trio that she doesn't know why Sirius never mentioned her. Is this meant to be part of the plot? Like she is lying or does she just not care? You may want to elaborate a little bit more about this in your first chapter.
So just make sure to fix your grammar mistakes because you certainly have an interesting story happening here :) Report Review
hi! Here with your requested review! I definitely enjoy reading this story :)
To start with, I personally can't imagine Fred and George having stood there and watched the whole scene with the snow globe for so long before interjecting. With their quidditch reflexes I can see one of the twins even running to grab it when the Slytherin threw it (especially considering that George has a soft spot for Katherine). It just seems a little out of character for them to see a Slytherin treat a Gryffindor (no matter who the Gryffindor may be) like that and not do anything until the end, you know? Maybe write it as if they JUST walk onto the scene as the snow globe shatters to the ground.
It also seems a little odd that George hasn't shared his sentiments about Katherine with Fred, or that Fred hasn't picked up on it (considering how often George sneaks looks at her and how close the twins are to one another). I understand that George doesn't quite know what his feelings are, but I think that Fred would probably have a slight inkling as to what his brother is feeling.
It's definitely a fun read, I really enjoy the way the twins interact with one another. I would really love to read more from Katherine's perspective in the future! Not sure if you have written from her pov in the future chapters or not, but I'll just have to read on to know then, eh? :)Author's Response: Hello! I'm glad you enjoy the story.
The twins didn't interfere thinking Katherine would do something (I guess I should've written that somewhere...) She was known for being quick with a wand and to have quite the temper.
Oh later one it's all from Katherine's POV so you'll get to know her pretty well :)
Thank you for your review. Report Review
Hi DistantGalaxy with your requested review!
You've got a really interesting start. You write really well and in a way that captures the readers interest. And you also have a good ability of describing the scene well.
I think you should consider italicizing the quote at the very beginning and also placing it in the center.
The spacing is quite odd between your sentences. I think that a lot of your phrases can be grouped together in proper paragraphs rather than being spaced apart as separate paragraphs for just one phrase.
You've certainly developed the characters nicely, their characterization is awesome. I already have a sense of wheat they are like and how they interact with each other.
I'm really intrigued as to where the plot is going to take us! Great job and an awesome start :)Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review and yes, the prologue needs ot be edited quite bit.
The spacing is SO annoying, but yeah, I will go back and do that.
Thanks again! Report Review
Hi, here with your review tag :)
The tone of the story is really nice. You've got a very distinctive way of writing which is nice, adds a personal touch to the narration.
This chapter was incredibly sad, almost felt myself getting a little choked up reading it actually. It was really cute that in the beginning of the chapter he's speaking to her and the reader can really feel his pain.
All in all, a great start to the story :)Author's Response: Hi, there.
I'm glad you liked the way that the first couple of chapters were written. The story does start off very sad, but it picks up quite a bit as it moves along.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Here for your second review:)
I really like the chapter images that you have, I find it pretty important to have these graphics; it keeps the readers interested, and it makes the page look pretty haha :)
You also write Hagrids accent really well, I've always had a really difficult time myself with it so great job.
I think that certain parts of the chapter are a little rushed, you could add a few more details into certain scenes. Perhaps elaborate a bit more about what she feels when she sees Hogwarts for the first time, how she's reacting to certain things...you have already included this, but I think it could be a little bit more precise so that the reader can better connect with the OC :)
I like that you reveal very little about the reason behind her move, it makes the reader definitely want to continue reading to find out and it adds a bit of intrigue as well.
All in all a great start to your story. I will be reading more!Author's Response: :) Hi! Oh, I'm really glad you're liking it so far! And thanks for pointing out what I could improve, that's really important to me in the earlier chapters! And I really like the chapter images too! Thank you very much for reviewing! Report Review
Hi, DistantGalaxy with your review :)
To start off with, there is odd spacing between the paragraphs that you should watch out for and edit.
It's a cliche plot of the new girl joining Hogwarts, but the way you've written it is so good that I don't even mind. I'm excited to see what's happened to make her transfer and why she's so gloomy. You've definitely kept me wanting to read more!
This chapter also has very nice flow, really easy and smooth to read which I find super important. So far so good! Off to read the next chapter :)Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for pointing out about the spacing, it does sometimes go a little funny, I'll fix it when I can :) Thank you for reviewing, I hope you continue to like it xD Report Review
Hi! DistantGalaxy from the forum "review tag" :D
I'm happy I actually chose to review this story! I love reading about Fred and George. This first chapter is off to an awesome start, I'm pretty intrigued to find out more about Katherine and what happened at the beginning of the story. That part was really well written and exciting to read.
So off to the next chapter I go! I'll make sure to keep reviewing. Good job :)
ps. whats the main ship in this story? is it George/oc, Fred/Angelina, neither?? Just wondering.Author's Response: Hullo distant!
Thank you for your review and compliments, I hope you enjoy the next chapter as much as this one :)
The main ship is George/oc Report Review
This story is unbelievable. Just so good, i cant even tell you how disappointed i am not to have any more to read right now. The amazing way you have written Sirius and even the marauders is so incredibly refreshing and new and well written that I am jealous I cant do that with my characters. I really hope you do update soon, it would be such a shame to let an amazing story with such a new and creative plot that is simple and doesnt seem to be trying too hard to be unique (but still is in every way imaginable) to just wither away. I'll definitely be checking back to see if theres any more posted. Congrats on an amazing story. Report Review
theres a slight spelling mistake at the end him* instead of his as pretty boy :)
love the start though! Report Review
hey! goood start :) whats the name of the male model you used as sirius in your banner?Author's Response: Thanks. To be honest, I made that banner a couple of months ago and I don't really know his name. But if I remember correctly, I took that picture from a site called storm models. You can find many great pictures there:)
-Mara Report Review
I really enjoyed reading this. I love the plot and your characters.
However, I have a few pointers for you :)
I noticed that you switch between third person and first person alot by accident, like in the lines "Tayla never approved of what I did with Dean, or the way Dean treated me. Tayla wished she could help Bonnie find..." I think you just need to get a beta from TDA to help you fix little things like that and punctuation and theres a few grammar mistakes too, like "his kisses was my oxygen" shoule be "his kisses WERE my.." ...also I dont think the part where you describe the different houses is necessary since everyone on this site knows them by now :) anyways those are just my thoughts.
xxAuthor's Response: Okay thanks ill go look into getting Beta now, i know the description of the houses are unnecessary but i was added a few filler sentences. thanks heaps for the review.
please keep reading and reviewing. Report Review
I love this so so so much!! Its super clever, witty, funny and extremely well written. I adore your plot, you have no idea how great and refreshing it is to finally read a creative story with a plot that hasn't been done before.
I also really like Kate's humour, and how you've portrayed sirius...which is done perfectly by the way.
Please keep this going, haha you have no idea how dissapointed I was when I reached the end of this chapter and realized there wasn't any more to read. But I'm very excited to see where you take this, keep up the amazing work!
xMassie Report Review
this was a decent chapter, you should probably work on making your chapters longer. And again, there is a pretty big grammar problem. But just invest in a Beta and that should take care of the problem haha. I would usually stop reading a story because of poor grammar, but the plot to this is rather interesting so I'm intrigued enough to read the next chapter. Report Review
i like this so far, just a few quick bits of critique..you should really look over your work for grammar mistakes, there are a lot of words which are spelled wrong or used incorrectly, and also you swich between first and third person a lot. other than that I like it :) Report Review
ahahahahahahahahahah this is brilliant!!!
I dont think I stopped laughing once throughout the entire thing. I'd like to point out the lines I loved most but theyre all too great, thanks for making my night! cheersAuthor's Response: Wooh! Thanks so much for reviewing, I just wanted to make people laugh so your review has totally made my day, thanks so much! Report Review
wow I cried through this whole thing, I'm such a baby but you just write these things so well! props
10/10 Report Review
this is pretty much perfect. haha I feel like I have to thank you because fred was my favourite character and this story kind of gives me closure for his death, sounds silly but the way JK writes her characters you can't help but become attached to them. Report Review
gah! I don't want this chapter to be finished! every chapter so far has been absolutely amazing. I love how you represent tom, it's so different from everyone else and it shows him in a less conventional way, I love it! Keep up the amazing work and I cannot wait for more.
xxmassieAuthor's Response: Haha sorry, I had to end the chapter somewhere...at least it was a long one ;) I'm so happy that you like the way I write Tom, and that you're enjoying the story! Don't worry, more is on the way...thank you for the review! Report Review
you have no idea how much I cried while reading this. You are a fantastic writer, simply amazing Report Review
hey, I really like this story. the only thing I think you should do is split those paragraphs up(especially the very first one). they tend to get a bit long...and when that happens it kind of hurts your eyes trying to follow the story and (well for me anyways) you lose your place..
anyways keep up the good writing. very interesting Report Review
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