Reading Reviews From Member: Whisperer
  
53 Reviews Found

Review #1, by WhispererDolche Vida: Job interviews

28th December 2011:
Wow! This is really quite good!

I like the style of this story--the silliness and sarcasm suits Lavender's character well.

You have a really good sense of humor, and there are parts that really were funny. Like, the list of job's she'd applied to and the "and if you're an alien I shall take you to my leader...". Cool stroke of creativity! :)

Overall, this first chapter has a nice flow and you introduce a lot without it being overwhelming.

But, I will point out some stuff that somewhat ruins that flow:
1) Diction - "runs toward him like he's a container of ice cream"; to keep more in with the style you're setting up, I think you should choose a more descriptive verb that "run", like "darts", for example, and also add a flavor of ice cream so that it has better flow. What is Parvati's favorite flavor, btw? XD
2) Confusion over description- when you say "but even I stopped to check him out. Puberty was clearly in love with that boy", does that mean that Neville is really good-looking now? I'm really confused about "puberty was clearly in love with that boy"...
3)Grammar -

1) "abilities, however" - you need either a period or semicolon (and then a comma after however) b/c they are two independent clauses
2) "tacked aback" - taken aback?
3)"said Mrs. Finnigan, she then began to wheel" - again, either a period or semicolon b/c too independent clauses

Yup, that's it! Sorry to be so picky, it's just I really like this beginning, and I want your story to stand out from the rest! :)

Author's Response: Hello! Don't worry about being picky, I want my story to do well as well. :)

Thanks for everything, and I'm glad you liked it!

When I say puberty was in love with that boy I mean that Neville got insanely hot. :)


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Review #2, by WhispererWhite Lie: It's Six am In The Morning

3rd December 2011:
Congratulations on finishing your novel! I know some friends who were really hunkering down on NaNoWriMo as well :)

This chapter was good :) i love seeing more of Pen's personality, like how she's not a morning person and how she's just so nerdy and funny at the same time. i haven't reviewed the past chapters, but just wanted to say, that overall, this story has continuously gone beyond my expectation. i expected something really cliched at the beginning, but no, you've made the story very interesting. the excessive encounters with Wood seemed a bit too much, but other than that, the whole basis of this budding relationship with Wood is really believable :)

All your characters are very developed too! And to me that is one of the most important things. You've made Pen a special character and you've fleshed her out past the "nerdy overachiever" characterization that was originally presented in the books. You've still kept true to that character, but you've allowed her to evolve under your vision--i especially like how you included her obsession with playing football! that's the kind of stuff i'm talking about!

and your supporting characters--Athena, Alexander, Percy, Audrey, even Jason--are believable too :)

My only suggestion would be to change your title (if that is even possible?). The title is what made me skip over the story initially because I thought it would just be another typical cliched story. Likewise, "White Lies" does not truly reflect the basis of your story. I hope that by now Oliver likes Pen for more than just the "lie" she tells him at the beginning, since he's been able to see more of how awesome she really is.

But yes, I really do love this story, because my heart seriously does an excited little flutter when I see that you've updated :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the congratulations, and for the long review! I'm glad you liked this chapter, and I'm very happy you liked Pen.

I'm also glad that you didn't find this cliche, I really do try to stay original. I kind of needed the excessive encounters with Wood though. How else was he going to ask her out if he never saw her?

I would change my title, but I have no clue what to change it to and I just got a new and truly awesome banner, plus I'm terrible at thinking up titles. Thanks for all your suggestions!


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Review #3, by WhispererIn Walked Trouble: Take a Walk in My Shoes: Part I

19th June 2011:
Hi :D

Seriously love the quick update! Thanks :)

I felt that this chapter as a whole was very solid. Though it tied in from the previous chapter and spanned a time frame of 2 weeks, it didn't feel disconnected, due to the line breaks; you use them very well. Your dialogue is superb, and I think it is because of it that this chapter flows so well. Usually, I've noticed that the parts that are not dialogue seem a bit unnatural, almost forced.
For example, "Her power walking was so vigorous that wisps of hair flew into her vision; she blew at them, not slowing in the least in her mission to get to the boys dormitory. Her mission was hastily re-adjusted..."

The passive voice verb "was" and especially the semicolon break make the narration awkward. It feels as if it is external rather that internal narration. A simple fix would be "She power walked so vigorously that..." and "She hastily re-adjusted her mission...". That brings the action to life. There were a couple of other cases like that down towards the end of the chapter, but that's really the only constructive criticism I can give. I believe good description will make your great dialogue stand out that much more :)

Now on to the praise:
I think I finally understand Gules. That scene of her burning the letter was truly unexpected and beautiful. As a moment, it is so contained--there she is, in the dark, alone with her self, and she makes a choice that shows her true loyalty. And it was all the more precious because it was in the midst of all the other general angst and bicker-a gem, a rarity.

I like the occasional third-person omniscient, like when Sirius thinks of keeping an eye on Gules, and Gules thinking that he's not warming up, but keeping an eye on her.

The body swap. Now that really came out of nowhere. I was expecting something from the potion, but definitely not that. I've got to say, you pulled it off without being cliche--it was even unique (because it's Sirius and Gules, of course). Also, during the body swap, that was the best use of line breaks I've seen in stories, which also saved it from being cliche. Overall, thanks for ending the chapter on a hilarious note.

Favorite lines:
1.I. Need. To pee. (that summarizes Gules in essence)
2.Sit down, shithead.
3.I'm a prat you're a sexy lady- (genius!)
4.Look! I can lift the entire bench! It's not even hard! (simple joy, huh? :D )
5.Well walk somewhere not next to me. Gosh. (She's so whiny, hehe XD )
6.Luckily she wasn't aware that he had taken a very quick, very surreptitious glance down his... blouse. :P

Gules and Sirius interaction weird? Nah. I think of it as progress :) Maybe finally their respective interests in each other are coinciding instead of repelling.

Will you updates as lightning quick again? C'mon, you know you want to... :D Don't leave me hanging with the body-swap "Uh-Oh".

P.S. I second the checking out Sirius in mirrors. :P

-Whisperer

Author's Response: Hey Whisperer :) So sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I hope you're still reading the story :)

Now to the response -

Point taken about the passive voice, I notice I slip into that quite a bit at times. I'll try to be aware of it in future, thanks for pointing it out!

I'm glad you're finally understanding Gules a bit more; she's more complex than she initially appears, I think. And moments such as the scene you mentioned will probably pop up some more as the story progresses and the tension between her ethics and her ambitions heightens. Thank you for the compliments, they made me happy :)

Also - yes! I really wanted the body swap to come out of nowhere, I wanted it to be left of field and unexpected and the fact that you thought it wasn't cliche is the highest praise. Thank you.

Hehe, yes, I see it as progress as well. But for how long that continues remains to be seen ;)


Thank you so much again, for the lengthy review and taking the time to do it, I really truly appreciate it (despite the fact that it's taken me a year to reply. God, that's terrible.)


Hope you hear from you again! :D

Booksponge, xx



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Review #4, by WhispererIn Walked Trouble: Push Came to Shove

27th April 2011:
Hola senorita :)

you know, your updates never fail to make me super excited. i was on the phone with my friend yesterday, and i freaked out...but she didn't really understand the reason :)

anyways...

I reread the last chapter, and I've got to say, my last review doesn't hold true anymore. The flow and characters are fine, so I really don't know how I was thinking last time (maybe it was the hormones?). Just wanted to say that yes, it seems good to me now :)

This chapter was good too; I especially liked how you were able to transition so well from the end of the year (1st chapter) to summer break to start of 7th year. And it really feels like a lot of time has passed! I think the long chapters help with that (and they also make me really happy) :D

I want to talk about characters again (my favorite topic!):

In the last chapter, Sirius was wondering why Gules wanted people to believe she was so "cute" and innocent; what was her motive. I also want to know. There's this girl at my school who is so 'sweet' and 'innocent'--definitely acts 'cute'. I don't deny it. But, the more I observe her, the more I uncover ulterior motives--most of which are selfish and manipulative. I like it when I can relate my experiences to make the story more real, so good job with that character analysis :)

One review from chapter 8 (by Inti, i think) said that Sirius almost appeared to be bipolar, which was unrealistic. Again, I would disagree. I've acted that way before. In fact, there is a "Gules" type at my school, and everyday, this guy that sits at my lunch table drives me crazy. I'm nice to my friends, but then he deliberately says something (always in the form of a challenge to either what I said, what I believe, or my intelligence), and in about one sentence, my good mood is ruined. And then I become pretty bitchy. So, I can completely relate to Sirius's "dual" personalities.

I was surprised by Gules' nosiness--i didn't think she would actually go hunt down the boys, but I guess that adds another dimension to, as Sirius said, her sense of superiority and her need for control.

I was also a bit repulsed by her lack of a moral compass--she would much rather get the dirty information than simply let it go because it was such a big deal to James and Sirius. She wouldn't even promise not to say anything, instead just kept evading James' plea.

Truth be told, I like all these emotions I'm feeling--even the repulsion, so keep them coming :)

My favorite thing: the whole essay scenario. It was just so "them". Always the push-and-pull, the challenge, only elevated by their need to become closer, but always falling back on the familiar competition. GAH, I love it! :)

To wrap this monstrosity of a review up, I am super excited for the next chapter! And shame on you, for dropping that tantalizing hint "things changed...though Gules didn't know it"! Now I want to know what will happen next!

So, update soon please? haha :)

(and P.S. love the chapter titles, especially 'Duplicity on the Tracks')

-Whisperer

Author's Response: Wow. That review was ay-mazing. Can't tell you how happy it made me, seriously. Chapter 15 is in the queue right now partly because this review was so awesome and made me want to write so much faster (than usual, haha).

Okay, I'll try to respond logically (quite the feat for me...).

Glad you liked the chapter, I'm happy to finally be writing their school experiences now! It's nice to have a different environment for the story.

Characters! My favourite topic as well! Haha.
Gules' cuteness is interesting, I don't think it's entirely an act, it stems from her innocence. But now that her innocence and naivete has somewhat dissipated and she's refusing to change how she behaves even though internally she has changed, she's 'role playing' almost. With everyone else but Sirius really, because she senses his skepticism. He sees through it.

Still, as you read on I guess all your questions will hopefully be answerer as more arise, haha.

I remember that review, and it's interesting you say that. I think I kind of agree with Inti actually, because my characterisation earlier in the story was a bit... superficial. I was struggling with Sirius' characterisation the most, i have to say. I think I'm learning the balance now, in his character, he's still bipolar to an extent, haha, but in a more realistic way. And I'm sorry to hear that guy annoys you! I hate people like that, they ruin good moods :(

Gules' nosiness comes from desperation. I shall say no more :) And you know what? I'm glad you felt repulsed, you were meant to.

And haha, yes, the essay scenario is very much push-pull, stubbornly unchanging and completely impossible. It is totally them.

Aw shucks, you like my chapter titles. Some of them take shameful periods of time to think up.

I think that was everything...

Anyway, thank you so much for the review, it was fantastic. I hope to hear from you again,

Booksponge.


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Review #5, by WhispererCuriosity: Being comfortable.

23rd April 2011:
As Cassie is becoming more comfortable around James and vice-versa, I've noticed that I'm becoming more comfortable with their characters and with this story too.

When I say "comfortable", I mean it in a good way. Whenever you update, it feels as if I'm catching up with friends (in this case Cassie and James), after a long while. It's fun to be around them again and I've missed them; so after the initial crazy excitement of seeing them, I get to just settle back and HANG out. It's that great feeling of fullness--it's comfortable :)
It might be a bit lame, but that's really how I feel.

About the story--it has a really good "feel" to it, a sort of balance. There is character and plot development, and a solid description which really grounds the setting and actions of the story.

Also, once thing I've especially liked and never specifically commented on is how well you manage the pace of the story. Your chapters skip over the mundane (i.e. waking up, going to bed) and just focus on plot. Especially at the end of chapter 8, when Cassie abruptly leaves at the end, I kinda expected for her to go home and "analyze" what happened, or I expected the next chapter to at least bring up what happened. But it didn't. And I like that.

You just move right on along :)

And I think that's another reason why it feel's so comfortable--the flow is so lovely.

I'll be waiting to catch up with Cassie and James soon ;)

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Review #6, by WhispererThe Third Man: The Third Man

9th April 2011:
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Just...why?

Why?...how could he do that? how could he give up his love for his best friend? Why, Sirius? Why? Why did he do that? I just don't understand! He could have been happy! He could have been...so...! WHY!

Oh my god...
I'm sorry...that was dramatic.but it feels like my heart is wrenched into two.

That was truly brilliant. Everything, the format the style, the diction, the beautiful contrast of vague and detailed memories, the concept (3rd Man), and the end. Everything!

Two parts that I truly admire:
1) the comparison to Arthur and Lancelot, and how Lily says that he's not Lancelot, he's Sirius Black (and how he thinks 'in what way')--gosh that is beautiful
2)daisies, oh god...about how she didn't say out loud the 'loves me' 'loves me not'

This is the only story that has ever made me cry from that deep place in my body (do you know the one?).

Stunning.

Author's Response: Oh wow! This review! Thank you very much for all your wonderful compliments - it's fantastic to hear that you've liked this story to such an extent and that it was able to invoke strong feelings. I can't explain how happy I am that this story had this effect on you. I never thought that this story would be able to do that, but it has, and I'm speechless.

It's so hard to understand what could have happened between James, Lily, and Sirius if the latter loved her just as much. There's that code of friendship that James expects Sirius to abide by, yet doesn't seem to think it applies to himself. James here is pretty arrogant, and Sirius submits to his will, perhaps driven by some unconscious knowledge that James and Lily were "meant to be" for a prophetic reason if nothing else. I don't understand it either - I don't know if there's any way to understand.


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Review #7, by WhispererOff-Kilter: panicked as

23rd March 2011:
Argghhh! Why must you do this? Leave off before anything conclusive happens??? Sigh...ok, so it keeps me guessing and wanting more and more and more...but it also makes me glare at my computer at chapter's end.

Ok, so after reading Corinna's thoughts on Oliver's "possible infatuation", I'm beginning to think that that is not the case. In fact, I bet it is not. Because based on the way the story has been going so far, the unexpected always happens.

So, I shall wait patiently for the next few chapters--maybe twiddle my thumbs a bit, or you know, actually do some of my homework--and wait for the unexpected to come at me.

So bring it.
:D

Author's Response: Teehee, I won't lie, I quite like cliffhangers. Also, I like uniformity in chapter lengths, and it just so happened that there was a good opportunity to end the chapter that kept it in the ballpark of the other ones. :P (I'm ridiculously neurotic.)

As always, I keep my mouth shut on plot points. But expecting the unexpected is usually a good policy.

The next chapter is never more than three days away! That's plenty of time to "do homework" (in my case, "study"), but I hope that when it comes, you enjoy it! Thank you so much for the review :D


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Review #8, by WhispererOff-Kilter: wonderful as

21st March 2011:
I have the feeling that things will blow up soon, both metaphorically and literally. Yikes!

Yet, I do want to figure out for whom Oliver's attempting to bake Valentine goodies ;)

Thanks for being so quick with your updates! Definitely keeps the story moving along, and me continually excited :D

Author's Response: That seems like a well-informed guess, considering what has happened thus far. But otherwise I'll keep my mouth shut, as always.

The only reason I'm this quick with updates is that everything is prewritten! Which is something I should endeavor to do more often. I'm so happy you like the pacing and the updating and basically, thanks so much!


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Review #9, by WhispererOff-Kilter: awkward as

19th March 2011:
WHAT!?

I didn't see this coming...I mean, should I have? For how long has Cedric liked Corinna? And why did he snog Piper if he didn't even like her??? That meany-butt!
But still funny, how he took all the things she said as having a different meaning.
But poor Corinna...always finding herself in awkward situations like these. First with Rob and now with Cedric.

Also, I'm glad Gemma is up-and-running again and getting the girls out of their slumps.

Overall, I can't wait to see what happens next! :)

~Marisol

Author's Response: Just the reaction I was hoping for ^_^

All of those questions will be answered in the next chapter! So I will keep my mouth shut about them for now. However, I do personally approve of Cedric being termed a "meany-butt." He kind of is. Corinna does have a habit of getting into these situations, doesn't she? Poor thing. All I'll say about Gemma is... you never can tell.

Ahem.

So glad to see you're enjoying it, and I hope you continue to!


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Review #10, by WhispererWith the Devil: Chapter Five

1st January 2011:
Ah, this is a really interesting story! Magic in the 1600's; real magic. And here I thought it was all just witch trials and false outcries. And that is why I love what you have done. You've taken this concept and made something more out of it. You providing a history and a unique character :)

I love it.

I wouldn't call Constance weak though, as some other people have said.

This random guy just shows up and basically can read her deepest, darkest fears, and then he voices them out loud. Then he transforms into an owl, basically confirming that he's been watching her and probably will continue watching her. In a modern context, that would be like seeing actual "proof" of magic and having an unwanted stalker. She is understandably freaked out her mind. I totally get her. XD

I like Ann too. All she wants is to help out...of course Constance sees this as meddling and an intrusion, but she will warm up. Hopefully? Though at first when Constance's father said he was getting married, I though Ann would also be a witch and would help Constance come into her power. I like your plot line better though :)

Can't wait for the next chapter! Can't wait until Constance accepts her gift and leaves her father's house :)

~Iva

Author's Response: Hi Iva! (I love your name, btw)

What a wonderful review! You seriously made my day. Thank you so much for taking the time to read all five chapters and share your thoughts with me. ^_^ Your feedback was so detailed and articulate. I really do appreciate it.

I'm so glad you're enjoying this story so far. And now that you mention it, I do think I have changed my opinion on Constance's sense of personal strength. After considering your comments, I really do think she is strong, but perhaps not in the way a woman of the 21st century might be strong. To be honest, Ann always struck me as the strong one, if only because she is determined, dedicated and willing to make the best out of a horrible situation.

And you're completely right about Constance freaking out over Rockwood. If I were her, I would be terrified. I think what resonates with her more is not the physical harm she could come to, but the harm she is doing to her soul. Because of her Puritan mind-set, her fear and belief in eternal damnation is very real.

I'm glad you like Ann. She is an unintentional intruder, but as I mentioned before, she only wants to help. It might take Constance a while to recognize her good intentions, but she will…eventually, haha. ;) And you know, I did consider making Ann a witch, but then I thought that no witch would willingly marry a Puritan minister who would be happy to hang her as soon as he found out about her magical abilities. But I definitely agree with you, it would have made for an interesting plot twist. ^_^

Again, thanks so much for the fantastic review, Iva! The next chapter has already been written and will be posted as soon as the queue reopens. I hope you have a great week. ^_^ Take care!

Best,
celticbard


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Review #11, by WhispererFinster, Ella: Bad Boys Can Be Good For A Girl.....

6th October 2010:
Wow! This is just as hilarious as all the previous chapters! :)

I'm glad that Ella has finally admitted her feelings. It took her freaking long enough, and while I was waiting with bated breath, I still enjoyed the mounting tension between Ella and Wood. And there still is tension :) Poor Ella and Oliver are just so awkward around each other, that it's just pityingly endearing to watch :)

An awkward Ella makes for a funny Ella.
To prove this, I cite a quote:
"It didn't matter that he had seen me in them before; now I had 'feelings' I wasn't certain that it was entirely proper to be showing boys my nightwear. I'm pretty certain it went against some rules of conduct."

That just cracked me up! :) She is just so blasted funny! And props to you for making her that way!

I can't wait for some more awkwardness in the next chapter and (maybe?) some progress. AND, I can't wait to find out the secret...it must be something really bad if Jaz is even remotely threatened by it. I'm thinking it's something about her mother and Jaz's side of the family...but that's just my guess :)

P.S. I saw that many people haven't reviewed...but just wanted to tell you that that doesn't mean that you have lost readers...if I hadn't reviewed today, I probably wouldn't have found the time to do it...but I am still religiously following your story! :)

Author's Response: Wow thank you for a lovely long review - i'm glad you enjoyed it so much! :D
Yes it did take her a long time...but I'm cruel like that AND it will take even longer for her and Wood to get together. After all Rome wasn't built in a day and there relationship will be just as big a challenge. It is pityingly endearing and it breaks my heart a little because actually this is like it is in real life :(
I loved that quote too btw...just writing silly things like that makes writing this story so much fun. I can be so random and strange here.
Yes there is lots more awkwardness and not much resolution as it's a filler. Sadly I do not reveal Jaz's secret...that's something that needs to be drawn out.
Thank you for a lovely review and I'm so glad you are enjoying the story!


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Review #12, by WhispererI Love Lucy: Cross my heart and hope to die...

6th October 2010:
Blimey, even I was mortified when Lucy found out that Christian was her boss! I thought "oh shit!"

The story is very well-written. It has a good sense of humor without it being cheesy or fake. Lucy's character is never really expounded upon in most fanfiction, but she really seems promising here :) I like that it's set post-Hogwarts, b/c really, it is so much more interesting the things the characters can get up to when they are adults, right? :) *wink, wink* hahaha

But, yes, I like the talk about the international things because I really like traveling.
I can't wait for the next update! :)

Author's Response: Haha oh good, I am so thrilled you like it thus far :)

You are really so sweet, with all your praise and such. Thank you so so so so so much for such a sweet review! And I fully agree so much more fun when they are out of Hogwarts haha.

Thanks again for the amazing review! The next update will be soon!!


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Review #13, by WhispererWelcome to the Chase: chapter.nine Fear.

26th September 2010:
Am I the only who is hoping that instead of Albus, it will be Burly that Ariadne ends up falling for?

I would much prefer that. He just seems like a great guy, and his personality matches much more with Ariadne's...Al is just...not compatible..

is that you are hinting at in the story description, when you say Al/Ariadne (Hopefully.) Is that "hopefully" meant as a chance for Burly?

I really hope so! :)

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Review #14, by WhispererVisions and Revisions: I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker

25th September 2010:
"He doesn't trust this game of hide and seek, sitting here, immobile, hoping not to be found."

Through that line you perfectly portray his situation. I can remember the fear I always used to have off hide-and-seek. I hated hiding, waiting for the inevitable moment when I would be found and I would lose. Hiding in the dark closets, being eaten away by my fear. The use of "hide-and-seek" evokes all of that.

I've read almost all of your other stories-both one-shots and longer ones--and the greatest thing about your writing besides your skill of writing beautifully is your exploration of human emotion, of this world we live in. Like all the great writers past, you delve into all the great issues of being human. And because you couple this with the Harry Potter world, you give depth to these characters that are so easily portrayed as simply names on a page more so than people that exist beyond the words.

"For autumn is exactly itself - nothing more, nothing less - the dwelling place of those boys who are no longer children and not yet men."

I love the parallel between the nature's seasons and the seasons of human life. In summer, everyone is invincible, carefree ('boys') and in winter, they are burdened by the long passing of the year, the coldness in their limbs ('men'--which I subconsciously read as 'old men').

I love it. :)

--Iva

Author's Response: Thank you, Iva, for the wonderful review!

It's true, hide-and-seek does have an element of irrational fear, especially when you're a kid. And in James' case, it's so much more serious, but I imagine him feeling like he's playing a twisted game of hide-and-seek because he's feeling so insignificant and ineffective, like a little kid. Something I've always thought doesn't get enough attention is how young they were when they died - it was a lot to place on their shoulders, and I think it makes their story more tragic.

I am so touched and flattered by your review and your comments about my writing of human emotion. Really, it makes me so happy to create that reaction in a reader. I really appreciate it!!

Melanie


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Review #15, by WhispererIn Walked Trouble: Duplicity on the Tracks

11th September 2010:
Hey, it's me again :)

the interaction/conversation between Gules and Sirius is still up to par...

but I felt that everyone else's interaction was really askew in this chapter...it just didn't "feel" right, and it was kinda choppy.

I understand what you are doing from a style perspective: the exclusion of long-drawn out sentences and meaningless "fluffy" descriptions and such. I understand the power of terse dialogue, and terse descriptions...

But, it made me really uncomfortable when reading. It was just awkward..!

And especially when Demetrius talks, I cringe a little...it just doesn't flow...


Also, the skip from one character to another, and then to their various thoughts was a great idea, because what makes this story interesting is the exploration of human motives/desires and how humans interact with others, to what lengths they will go to achieve their motives, etc. But, maybe because you tried to take on so much character development in one chapter, it felt weird?

Oh, and here's one editing advice :)

"She didn't realise right away that she wasn't alone. Of course, out of all the people she had to be stuck alone in a carriage with, it had to be Sirius Black.


The flickering candle light cast strange shadows over the rugged angles of his face. His cheek bones seemed to be more pronounced than usual."

For this place in the story, I think it would be much more effective if you didn't outright say it was Sirius Black. The description of his face and his tell-tale "silver eyes" is enough to tell the reader that it is his him. :)


But in all, your story is still great! I love the fast update! And I can't wait for the next chapter :)

Author's Response: Hey, I'm glad you stopped by! It was great to see you'd reviewed again and i truly hope you continue to.

I just want to start off by saying you made some really great points and I am taking them into account as i write the next chapter. Also, I'm sorry that you felt uncomfortable reading that chappie - I do get what you said about their interactions feeling slightly... awkward maybe? Let me assure you that part of that was intentional, maybe not to the extent that you felt it, however a subtle tension and awkwardness was supposed to be conveyed in order to show... i guess, that these seemingly great friendships aren't that perfect. And we're at the point in the story where the imperfections are only just starting to show.

Oh and the point of view switching was obviously to aid this, but maybe you are right; I may have jumped into the deep end with development in the story a little too quickly. I guess i was trying to move the story along... but anyway (haha, sorry i always end up ranting) the next chapter tends to move at a more natural pace (well at least thus far it does) so I hope you don't feel uncomfortable reading it as you did this one. Let me know if you do though!

Oh and Demetrius won't be that way forever :)


I'll also edit out that bit you said - i completely agree. It was self-explanatory.

Thank you so much for reviewing, i really appreciated it!


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Review #16, by WhispererGame: Happenstance Happens Entirely Too Often

6th September 2010:
I seriously love your story!

Believe me. It's one of my favorite things to get a new chap from you :)

But, I will be honest about this chapter...

I'm glad you're experimenting with making your characters more real and with more depth...

but.

the last line just made me want to slap my computer. In my opinion, it is supeeer cliche, and in reality, ruined the whole chapter for me. I am not being dramatic here. Idk, I really don't like it...

But otherwise, chapter and story-wise, been good so far. ;)

Author's Response: XDD Au contraire, I'm extremely amused. Haha, this is why I don't like writing kissing scenes! They're a bundle of cliches and they're sooo hard to write. But the last line is expendable. So I shall take it out for something else!

I always felt that my fic was some odd cross between drama and humor, because it's like ~character development~ and then ~completely random dialogue~, heh.


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Review #17, by WhispererTrue Deceivers: The Nightmare At Christmas*

30th August 2010:
Hello :]

I have like your story so far; it has been very mysterious.

I just wanted to ask, though, where did you get inspiration for the title?

Have you by chance ever read The True Deceiver? By Tove Jansson? :) just asking b/c i'm curious...see, i've been reading her books lately, and just now i made the connection between the two titles.

Author's Response: Hi yourself!

I've not read those books, no, but now that you've mentioned them, I'll have to look them up! Thanks for that - I love it when people give me music or literature ideas! Or expose me to new anything, really!
Thanks for your review!
Ta!


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Review #18, by WhispererThe Forsaken Ones: Bye Bye Beautiful

26th July 2010:
Hey! :) From where is the quote at the opening of this chapter? I tried to find out if they were from a song, but they weren't. I tried to figure out who or what was blairbubbles, and I failed. Please, it is so beautiful, and it's gonna drive me insane if I don't know...

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Review #19, by WhispererIn Walked Trouble: Lie to Me

22nd July 2010:
Dude! When I started reading this, I was a bit skeptical. I've read many Sirius/OC fanfics, and many of them started off somewhat the same way yours did. But, boy did you prove my assumptions wrong!
Getting into about chapter 7 or 8 when you started fleshing out the characters a bit more, I began to get engaged. I began to see them as people, and they were so different from the images I'd have of them in my mind at the beginning.

I loved the pond scene, when they were each purposefully hurting each other. It was so realistic, so hurtful, that I could feel the hurt, because I know what it's like to have those short but deadly conversations that change a relationship for a very long time.

My favorite quote from the entire story was from Chapter 10:

"But Remus seemed to have chosen then wrong words, for as soon the word 'act' left his mouth he got to witness that astounding talent that Sirius was prone to using; Remus could only watch, helpless, as Sirius distanced himself just with the use of his eyes and no matter what any of them said now, Remus knew that Sirius would get further away, despite the physical closeness."

Sirius. . . . sounds a lot like me. He puts up an act with his family, with society, even with his friends. He can never be fully truthful, even with himself. And he doesn't like to confront his feelings; he's scared. He'd much rather suppress them and act as if they don't exist rather than acknowledging them and their consequences. In those ways, he is just just like me.

And that makes me wonder. . . .is he just like you?
I don't mean to pry, but it seems to me that Sirius is the most developed character in the story. . . .and that means that you have the most insight into how to craft such a character. . . . . . .

But I could also relate to and sympathize with Gules...her passion is writing, and she is so freaking scared of an unknown future, or an unseen fall that may await her. She needs a safety net...but life is not about being safe. I feel the same fears as her ALL the time, but (characteristically), like Sirius, I run away from them. . . . .

I am really interested to find out exactly how much of you is in both of these characters. . . . . . . . . . . . .


My favorite part in this chapter was the moment when the lighting struck and all that Gules saw was the pair of grey eyes. It was such a arresting moment that even though I'm only a reader, I was stopped in my tracks too. Like Gules, I was frozen too. It was a frightening moment; could it perhaps symbolize the fear that Gules has of trying something new, of "being adventurous" and not being safe all the time?

See, if I can incorporate symbolism into my review, that means your story is very, very, very, very, very, very good. Shallow stories can't do that. But your story is deep. (i don't mean that to sound like a cliche).

Each chapter had a really good moment where something you wrote stopped me, and made me appreciate the beauty of the way the words were put together and the idea they expressed. As the story progressed, the moments became more frequent.

I can't wait for this story to pan out, for the final climax to arise. Will they both betray each other in the end? Or will they have learned enough from each other and enough of themselves to not be afraid anymore, to just accept It?

Author's Response: Oh wow. Wow.

I don't really know what to say, except that has to be one of the nicest reviews I've ever received. Thank you so much for that.

Right, so down to business - I'm not surprised you were skeptical, believe me, if i came across my story and read the first six chapters I would've given up completely and moved on. I'm not going to lie, those chapters are bloody cringe worthy so kudos to you for slogging through them : ) I really appreciate it and I'm glad you did.

And you know how you said you began to see the characters as people? Well, so did i. It was around chapters 7 and 8. actually probably even later for me... maybe chapter 9... when i began to get a feel for the characters - more so than i did earlier on.

You're completely right - the pond scene is one of those fights that changes relationships and that particular fight is the catalyst for following events which you'll see as the story pans out. It was very much a turning point for Gules and Sirius.


Now... out of all the quotes you could have pulled out, i definitely wasn't expecting that one and i must say, I'm truly flattered that you think Sirius in the most developed character in the story because he is definitely the one i work hardest on. And that is because I am absolutely nothing like Sirius. He is by far the hardest character for me to write; his dialogue doesn't come naturally to me and his personality is just... nothing like mine. BUT in saying that, i know the feeling of putting up an act, I've done it many times - most of them unconsciously - as well. That's why I think that if I'm like any of the characters, that would be Gules. She is the closest to my personality. And she puts on an act as well - as Sirius pointed out - she plays on her cuteness to get what she wants. She doesn't really realise it, it's kind of an unconscious thing. Sirius is the only one that she is truly frank and honest (not to mention, rude) with; he brings out a different side to her as she does in him.

Gosh... i just went on a completely gratuitous spiel. Sorry! Feel free to skip this!!

But yeah, I'm more like Gules - hope i answered your question : )

Yes, that moment you described was symbolic, haha, glad you picked it. It was supposed to portray Sirius as the danger - hence the lightning - in her life. He's the excitement; the trouble and with him, Gules will slowly step out of her comfort zone, hence him being the one to untangle her : )

Oh and don't worry about sounding cliche', i do it all the time!! I cant' explain to you how much your compliment meant to me!

As for your last questions; you'll just have to wait and find out. I have quite a bit planned for this story : )


Thank you again for the fantastic review and I hope to hear from you again,

Booskponge.


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Review #20, by WhispererNo Solid Ground: People Are Puppets Held Together With String

16th July 2010:
Woooh! An update! I seriously appreciate how long these past few chapters have been. 7000 words is a lot to feast on :)

this was a great chapter; lots of information was provided but was also balanced out with a revelation of james' character :) haha and the cliffhanger at the end!!! aghhh!
so, i'm assuming she will go back to hogwarts.
but what is best about this story is that, all the time, i am anticipating what is going to happen, how it's going to happen so that it turns out like the first chapter, the end.

don't be "pathetically excited" about publishing this story! you SHOULD feel excited because this is an amazing story, and your legion of fans will thus, always support...as i will keep doing haha :)

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Review #21, by WhispererNo Solid Ground: I Don't Want To Know How It Looks To Feel Like This

10th July 2010:
The MOST scintillating written chapter so far! Reading it even made me feel depressed and anxious. Please update soon! I have to know that Al is ok. . . .

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Review #22, by WhispererHermione Granger and the Overdone Plotlines: Everything Occurs and Nobody Acts As They Should

6th July 2010:
The last part was the best.

Yeah, "it's not like kids go to Hogwarts to learn magic, they go to procreate" "we've learned that lesson well"

very, very nice cincher :)

Author's Response: Hahahahaha. People say that a lot.

Which I guess is a good thing, because that part took ages for me to finally get right. :)

I'm glad you liked it, and muchas gracias for the review!


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Review #23, by WhispererOf Muggles and Meddlers: The Plan

5th July 2010:
This sounds like it's going to be quite, quite interesting :D

both James AND Lily are doing this, so it's going to be a nice balance between boy/girl perspective, i think? :) also, i find it funny that they are going to be basically unceremoniously dumped in the muggle world, without a clue. oh, the things they do will be priceless :)

please update soon, i'll be waiting

~Whisperer

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I hope I can get James's voice right, so the balance feels good :) I'll update ASAP!

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Review #24, by WhispererNo One Fathomed: The Real Upper East Side

1st July 2010:
Wow. I mean, wow. I am blown away. 8 dedicated chapters with more than 10,000 words each? Detailing not only the lives of the "main" characters, for there are none, but for all the characters, fleshing them out, one by one, both in the past and the present, developing their relationships, making them unique and hateable from just 'one' perspective, but understandable from all the perspectives combined. I think the point where I fell in love with your story was in chapter one when harry, ron, and hermione had their split. it was so tragic, yet real. it is THAT easy for people to split apart, that easy to severe any connection. and i know it. it has happened to me, and you portrayed it wonderfully. that is when i knew your story would keep me going.

last night (or should i say today) i stayed up till 3 o'clock in the morning...thinking about how when i woke up today, i HAD to, at all cost, finish this, yet dreading finishing it because i knew there wasn't going to be more once i got to the end. THAT is the power your story has, because it is truly dramatic in the best sense of the word, because it is real.

please don't feel discouraged about your writing, or about this story, please! you know this will drive me crazy, because i will keep checking everyday. i don't want to put pressure on you, because that's bad for a writer. i just want to lift your spirits up, and tell you how great your story is. 10/10!

Whisperer

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Review #25, by WhispererFinster, Ella: Can You Keep A Secret?

25th June 2010:
Wow! Thank you SO much for updating! I always had a glimmer of hope that you would, and I'm glad that that glimmer didn't die away :)

i love the part where Ella lies to herself that she is "allergic to Wood", like allergic to a cat :)

one of my favorite things in this chapter is madame pomfrey. she is just so cool! usually other stories stereotype her, but you give her depth of character. everyone's known a no-nonsense type of person like her, and truly, she gives a little extra to the story :)

please update! the story still flowed, even when it had been so long since the last chapter, so your efforts were not in vain :)

ever faithful,
Whisperer

Author's Response: I am terrible for the long wait, though I am always writing each week for a little bit and i finally do get there! Thank you with sticking with my story :)
Madam Pomfrey and Madam Pince are my fave teachers to write because it's so fun to exploit their traits and makes them funny. They will both be back :)
Thank you for a lovely review!


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