Reading Reviews From Member: Jane_Volturi
654 Reviews Found

Review #26, by Jane_VolturiThe Letter That Never Came: The Letter That Never Came

26th December 2010:
Hi there

The reason that I opted to read and review this story was mainly because the main protagonist of this story happened to a relatively minor character, and as many people know, I abolutely LOVE stories that iclude minor characters, they open up so many possibilities.

I like the storyline that you've chosen to weave into Arabella's life; to me it's a very defining moment for her as she's a squib and we as readers know little else about her.

It was a short, sweet, flawless piece of writing with a lovely use of description incorporated in there. This is going straight into my favourites.


Author's Response: This is actually my only story with a minor character, though I agree that they do open up many possibilities; since writing this I've actually thought of many other aspects of Arabella's life and am considering writing a sequel :P I think the defining moment for any Squib would be that confirmation that they're never going to Hogwarts, and I wanted to capture that. Thank you so much for the lovely review, and I'm thrilled that you're favouriting it :)

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Review #27, by Jane_VolturiDividing Lines: Dividing Lines

26th December 2010:
Hi longlivelunabellatrix

Wow, you have no idea how strange it is to read something that depicts characters such as Bellatrix Lestrange as Children; it just isn;t something that I'm particularly used to seeing. very insightful; I like how her character maintains all of these mean qualities that don't quite stretch to the extremes of the adult Bellatrix; good characterisation of her - which is not something I am often accustomed to saying.

The storyline in general was very good, simple, but you managed to depict realistically how you would expect the Black family to be.

Your writing I have to say is quite brilliant. I love to read something that doesn't have any gramatical flaws and flows as well as this!

Overall a very well written piece which I thoroughly enjoyed reading.


Author's Response: Hi there! I'm glad you liked Bellatrix's characterization, as she's my favorite character and I've made it a personal goal of sorts to write her as well as possible. You nailed it on the head when you said she has similar qualities to those of her future self, but not as extreme. It took her time to grow into the evil character we know, but she still must have had signs of them as a kid, and that was what I was aiming for.

Thank you for the lovely review! Happy holidays!

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Review #28, by Jane_VolturiStalking Cho: Obsessive Love

26th December 2010:
Hi maskedmuggle

I actually read this little One-Shot of yours about six months ago after I'd reviewed your Tonks/Lupin story. I can't think why I didn't review this, I vaguely remember it being nighttime, so perhaps I feel asleep lol. All in all this was a very nice little one-shot. I love stories with the Cedric/Cho ship; it isn't very often that you see them in stories.

I also really liked the original slant that you took with this. I've become so accustomed in the past to reading numerous Cedric/Cho stories about Cho mourning over Cedric's death, that it's almost a relief to read something that generally strays away from that general area. I also think it was clever of you to choose to incorporate Terry Boot into this also. I'm on absolute worshipper of stories that include so many minor characters; it opens so many possibilities. Overall the storyline was very intriguing and I really enjoyed reading it.

I couldn't spot any mistakes. This was really good, and it's going straight into my favourites.

Katie (JaneTwilight)

Author's Response: Hello! :)
Hehe, I completely understand the feeling of being too tired to review… I've read a ton of fics at an unreasonable hour myself..

Anyway thank you! I tend to write stories I never read, which is weird - like Cedric/Cho. Oh, yes, Cho mourning Cedric is something that's a bit repetitive, though I didn't think about that when I wrote this :P I'm glad you like minor characters, I have to say I don't.. so I'm glad you like Terry :)

Awwh, thank you so much! :D
Thank you very much for reading + for the really nice review :)

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Review #29, by Jane_VolturiFind Your Love: A Beginning of Sorts

21st December 2010:
I have to say, Rose reminds me a lot of andrea out of the devil wears prada, it seems she has the job from hell lol - Ah, I love that book, but I love this fic even more. So original, and hilariously funny, especially when she shouts 'OK, GET OUT OF MY WAY" - priceless. Update real soon, I can't wait to read more.

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Review #30, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Complications of the Heart

12th December 2010:
Hi Len

I admit, I'm sad to know that this is the last chapter until the next update. I only just realised when I finished reading the final paragraph, then I was like - NO!!!

In all seriosness, I absolutley love this story. Be sure to poke me when there's an update and I'll pop back to review again. You don't need to make a request, this story has my full attention now - I guessed you realised that when I reviewed chapter nine (I only ever review eight chapters of a story unless I really like it). Anyway, on with the review.

Firstly, Lily and Remus - this is without a doubt my most favourite chapter yet. Two of my all-time favourite Harry Potter characters, both in one chapter! I think that you characterized them both brilliantly. It'd be just like Lily spot the fact that Elsa is troubled and be concerned about her. I'm glad that you included her in this chapter for that use, and I also really like that despite the fact Elsa is the main character in a marauders fic, she and Lily aren't best friends, which is something people are so annoyingly accustomed to do.

I had to laugh when I discovered that Elsa's problems revolved around boy issues. It's a nice break from the usual more serious issues in this storyline. Im relieved that Sirius hasnt been entirely ruled out yet, I was afraid Damon would end up stealing Elsa's heart, because then there would be no hope for the two love birds.

Elsa and Avery are cute together. He's so patient with her, it's hard not to like him, and organizing her a romantic lunch was such a sweet thing of him to do. I don't know whether or not this is a good or a bad thing. On the one hand the two really suit eachother, but on the other hand, I really want Sirius and Elsa to be together. It's a very hard one to call.

The writing was as brilliant as ever, and I couldn't pick any faults with anything else. Another amazing chapter, congratulations. Remeber to poke me when there's an update, I'm anxious to find out what will happen next.


Author's Response: I see Lily and Elsa more as friends, who when needed will talk to each other. But when they aren't really needed, they don't. While I love Lily and wish I could throw her in more, she isn't one of the main characters (not yet anyway).

Hahah, umm, the issues around Sirius and Damon don't really ever get fixed. But Elsa eventually will make a choice about which boy will get her heart.

Welcome to my world. I love Damon/Elsa and sirius/else to the point where even I couldn't decide who I wanted her with. Even though I know where the plot is going and who she will end up with. I want her to be with both of them...if only that were possible.

Thanks again for the lovely review, and I do hope you will come back and read more. Especially now that I have double the chapters up :D

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Review #31, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Forgiveness

12th December 2010:
Hi Len

I was so happy when I realised that Lupin would be in this chapter. You probably don't know this, but Lupin is one of my all time favourite characters, and when authors manage to get his characterization right, it's always nice to read about him. I think you encapsulated perfectly his all-round down-to-earth personality. I think he made an entrance into the story at the perfect time. When everything is so dark and angsty, you always rely on a peaceful-natured character such as him to calm things down a bit. I'd also really like to see James more in future chapters; considering that he's Sirius's friend, it's been a bit weird to find that he hasn't been in the story more.

I have to say, I'm slightly relieved that Sirius and Elsa have made up, though I am a little dissapointed that he didn't tell anyone about Dominic and the murders he commited. I really want Domic to get his comeuppance but something tells me that he won't. For Elsa's sake it's a good thing she and Sirius are such good friends, otherwise he'd have probably blabbed by now. You can tell that the only reason he hasn't said anything is for Elsa's sake, she's lucky to have him as a friend. Who wouldn't be, he's Sirius Black!

Everything was great s always, again, the writing was perfect, and I'm really enjoying the storyline so far. Another one of my favourite chapters I think that I can safetly say.


Author's Response: While the other marauders don't show up all the time in the fic, they do show up from time to time. They can't easily be ignored. So, it was only right that Remus show up here. He shows up more later in the novel.

I was getting frustrated with Sirius and Elsa not talking and knew I had to do something to fix it otherwise my readers would get mad too. This seemed like the perfect way to get them to talk. Even if he tried to avoid it by flying off.

Thanks again for the review!

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Review #32, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Hogsmeade

12th December 2010:
Hi Len

I have to admit, I am somewhat relieved that Elsa finally decided to stick up to Dominic, for so long now, her resistance to do anything practical about her problems has been severely irritating me. You can tell that his appalling actions over the summer have been eating away at her, I'm glad she finally managed to confront him, it shows such good development of her character.

I have to say. I think the actions of Elsa's parents are quite disgusting to say the least, but then again, I can to an extent understand why they would go out of their way to portect their own flesh and blood. What parent wouldn't?

I doubt it has much significance to the storyline, but I though I might add that I'm impressed hat you took into consideration the fact that Sirius's disloyalty to his parents would not go unnoticed by other pureblood families. So many people seem to forget that and it really annoys me when they do.

There isn't really much else that can be said about this chapter. Everything about it was brilliant, as it always is. The writong was flawless, the characters were spot on and the storyline was very intriguing. Great chapter.


Author's Response: While I could see Elsa not sticking up to Dominic, I couldn't very well leave her characterization so static. So, I decided that this was the perfect time for her to show how she's grown a little since the beginning of the fic.

I can't imagine the Blacks now talking to the others about the wayward son and how he had betrayed them so. So, it seemed logical that they would know. Plus, knowing Sirius was in Gryffindor, I can imagine they would have reacted the same way if he were their son.

Glad you are still enjoying this. Thanks again!

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Review #33, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Cooling Off

12th December 2010:
Hi Len

It's me again, here with another review. I have to say that in all honesty, I don't think Ive ever come across a story so rich in varying language devices. It always impresses me when I'm reading a piece of writing whose author has taken the time to consider including so many metaphors and adjectives. Hey, you even got illiteration and hyperboles in there, I'm impressed. I mention this in near enough every review, and by now I'm sure I sound like a broken record, but it can't go without being mentioned, your writing is without a doubt flawless. It flows so well that the effort made to read it is almost a pleasure.

I have a question concerning Damon. is he by any chance the same Avery who serves Voldwemort as a Death Eater in the books? If it is him, then I'm sure you'll understand my hesitance to warm up to him. Never the less, it has become second nature for me to view people through Elsa's perspective, which makes me more inclined to like him because of the way he's been treating Elsa in these past few chapters. I'm stunned by how patient and warmly he treats her, I'd expect him to have a similar attitude towards Elsa as she has towards him, only intending to marry her to keep his family's bloodline pure. I'm interested to see what will become of him and Elsa, I have a feeling they'll end up together, though I really am a Sirius/Elsa shipper if I have to be entirely honest.

Sirius's behaviour in this chapter was very well written. I can't really say much else about it, all I'll say is that I wouldn't have written his reaction any other way. I'm guessing that the only reason he hasn't told somebody Elsa's secret already is because they're such good friends, so I totally understand why he'd be giving her the silent treatment right now.

I strongly despise Dominic, but I will admit, I love the dramatic contribution that he makes to the storyline, I'm interested to see what you'll do with him next.

Overall a very good chapter, I really enjoyed reading it.


Author's Response: Katie,
You make me blush everytime you mention my writing being flawless. I'm so glad you enjoy it.

Damon is not the Death Eater we see in the books. That is his older brother, Gareth who will show up later in the story line. All of this gets explained over the story so, keep reading and you'll find answers to some of those questions.

I'm glad you are a Sirius/Elsa shipper, because it seems I have so few of them.

Thanks again for the lovely review.

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Review #34, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Truth Be Told

11th December 2010:
Hi Len

It's me again here with yet another review. Sorry it's been taking me so long to get these to you, I've been really really busy, but I reckon I could get the rest of these done by the end of tommorow. This story has kind of been a nice way of relaxing after having such a busy schedule these past few weeks; your writing flows so beautifully that it's almost effortless to read.

It isn't up until now that I've spotted how effective your use of imagery is, you've intricated it into your writing so well that it's almost gone unnoticed - I think that's why your writing is such a pleasure to read. I especially like how you have used the following paragraph of imagery to illustrate the contrast between Elsa and Dominic:

'...Avoiding the middle of the landing it had a horrible habit of creaking at the wrong time Elsa quickly jogged down the stairs and through the backdoor. As soon as she flung open the door a blast of hot air whooshed past her, filling her lungs with delicious scents of the apple trees beyond the property, the picture perfect field of wildflowers over the hill, and wet soil from the lake between their house and the neighbours. Summer was always her favourite season, she enjoyed the warmth the sun brought, the puffy white clouds high in the sky, the thunderous roar when storm clouds blew in. Dominic preferred the cold wasteland of winter, the barren trees desperately clinging to life, the crisp chill of the air, the rage of a blizzard. The two seasons personified the differences between them. He was cold, calculating and cruel, winter suited him...'

This was such a creatively composed piece of writing. I felt the need to point it out because I simply loved it so much!

My sympathy goes out to Damon (I apologise if in the past I may have called him 'Damien', it's very easy to get those two names mixed up,) you can tell he truly cares about Elsa. It makes a nice change to the typical future-husband used in most fics who only has one reason to go through with a marriage: to keep their family's bloodline pure. Yet another stroke of originality which makes me like this story so much. You've made him out to be on the nice character, but I like the fact that you've drawn the line at a certain point to make his character more realistic. I like the fact that he's kind to Elsa, but still prejudice due to the messages he has been given by his pureblood family during his upbringing. It makes him seem a lot more realistic and three-dimensional to know that he's not the cliche evil type, but still has very obvious flaws.

Honestly, I congratulate you on the fact that Elsa's 'secret' brought an actual tear to my eye. I'm not usually one to cry during a story, but when you're reading about an innocent child being brutally murdered by a sick, twisted lowlife, it proves to be very hard not to shed a tear, or atleast in my case anyway. It wasn't just the situation that you were writing about though, it was the way that you actually wrote it. Everything from Elsa's reaction to the saddening description of the child's death was so highly emotive.

Sirius's reaction to me was spot on. This is exactly how I would expect him to respond to such news. It's past a rude insult or a cruel act of bullying, it's a truly horrifying piece of news, so I'd expect him to quite rightly be past the point of seething with anger. The fact he was speechless and unable to face Elsa was a perfect way to highlight exactly how horiffic Dominic's deed was. Well done.

Overall, this was an honestly brilliant chapter, another favourite of mine without a shadow of a doubt!


Author's Response: It nearly made you cry? Wow! That's quite an achievement on my part. I never intended it to do that, but I suppose I can understand how it would.

When I wrote that paragraph about Dominic and Elsa, I wanted to show how different they were. The seasons summer and winter personify them so perfectly that I had to use it.

Thanks for the awesome review and I'm so thrilled you enjoyed it.

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Review #35, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Of Lies and Duels

11th December 2010:
Hi Len

I've seen a multitude of well-written duels, but none quite as dynamic as this one. It highlty intrigues me that Dominic would be so resolute on causing his own sister such harm. His attack on her two chapters previously gave the impression that he disliked her or enjoyed causing her inconvenience, but by the end of that duel, I could really sense the hatred and the craziness that his character embodies. For a moment I was convinced he was going to make an attempt to kill her. I was so relieved when Sirius decided to step in. Your characterization of Dominic so far has been top notch, I'm very excited to see what he'll do next and discover his reason for hating Elsa so much.

Elsa's characterization has been very well done. I'm really beginning to understand how her mind works and where her priorities lie. You can definitely tell now that she isn't a Gryffindor, her traits and characteristics seem a little too far from the loyal side, and you can definitely tell that you've taken into consideration the fact that she has been raised by a family of purebloods.

I like the tone of mystery that has been intricated into the plot now. Things are really beginning to develop in terms of storyline, I can sense that something big is going to be revealed.

As for everything else, perfect as ever. The writing can be described as nothing but flawless and at no point in the chapter did I lose interest in the story. In fact, I think that this is my favourite chapter so far, really well structured and written!


Author's Response: Katie,
Eventually you'll find out why Dominic hates her, but it's not for a very long time. In fact, now that I have chapter 23 up, there are only hints of it throughout the story. If you continue to read it, you'll eventually either figure it out or you'll read it when it's revealed.

I did take into consideration the fact that Elsa was raised by purebloods when I sorted her. I knew she wasn't a Gryffindor. While she is loyal to an extent, she lacks the courage to stand up for what she believes in.

Thanks again for the review!

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Review #36, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Quidditch Fun

2nd December 2010:
Hi DarkLadyofSlytherin

Firstly, I'd like to apologise for taking so long to continue reviewing this story; this week I've been waylaid with mounds of college work and other responsibilities that have demanded most of my attention. I was so glad to wake up this morning and see the blizzard of snow outside; it's given me the perfect excuse to stay indoors and get back to reading/reviewing this brilliant story.

So where shall I begin? Well the characters seem like a reasonable place to start. Sometimes I feel as though Elsa is lacking the ability to have fun; she always appears to me to be so serious about everything, so it was rather a nice change to see her ditching the library and the studying to have a fun game of Quidditch with her best friend. I feel somewhat inclined to disagree with what other reviewers have said about Elsa's sudden boost of confidence being to an extent, unrealistic. Whilst reading this chapter I was more or less under the impression that Elsa had decided to let go a little, and I didn't find it even remotely impracticle or idealistic at all. On the contrary it was quite nice to see a temporary change in her character, because lets face it, almost everyone in life has moments like that, and personally I think it was a rather nice break for Elsa.

I also disagree to an extent with what reviewers have also said about the behaviour of the twelve/thirteen year old Quidditch players when Elsa was addressing them. I remember quite vividly being thirteen years old (because it was only three years ago), and from what I can recollect of school, the footie players in my year did mess about in lessons, but in sports such as football, they were always so serious about it (a little too serious if you want my personal opinion on the matter). I just think that with them being faced with the situation where they had to play against older, exprienced sportsmen such as Sirius and James, they would have been past messing about; in fact I think they would have been taking Elsa's words very seriously indeed.

What can I say about James and Sirius? They are two of my favourite characters in the series, and I enjoy nothing more than reading a good story where the author has characterized them realistically. You did an amazing job, I couldn't find any fault with them at all.

As for Cordelia and Elsa's other friends, I just think Elsa's lucky to have them. They obviously had Elsa's best interests at heart when they set her up like that. They're not predicatble exactly, but it would be nice to hear a bit more about them, because at the moment they're all coming across as slightly two dimensional. I just mean things like bringing up their own issues in conversations that they have with Elsa, perhaps even their own family problems.

Your writing style had me in awe, as it always does. I couldn't find fault with that. The dialogue was ok, but at times things seemed to be a little rushed and not thought over. For example, with Robert when he says: "Come on Yaxley, you were great, even Black thinks so. You should join us. We could use you. We havent won against Gryffindor in four years. Please? It all just seems to be crammed in there, do you know what I mean? My advice would be to just take your time with the dialogue more, give the characters equal input in conversations wherever it is possible rather than cramming everything they have to say into one or two sentences. It just makes for better reading.

Other than the issues that I have already picked out however, I can't find fault with this chapter. I really enjoyed reading it.


Author's Response: Katie, thank you so much for the lovely reviews. Writing a good quidditch scene is difficult and I'm glad it worked out so well here. I enjoyed writing it. Allowing Elsa to kick back and relax a little, while having fun playing against James and Sirius - something she doesn't often do.

Thanks again!

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Review #37, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Disastrous

21st November 2010:
Hi DarkLadyofSlytherin

Here again with another review. First of all, I feel the need to congratulate you on the excellent way in which you have characterized Sirius. I've come across a variety of versions of Sirius Black, stretching from a notorious womanizing scoundrel to a ruthless, agonising bully. I have to admit, the way you write him is very convincing. We never saw much of a teenage Sirius in the books, but it's quite clear that you've fully taken into account everything that Jk has said about him in his younger days. You give him this quality that suggests he's exceedingly kind and loyal to those he favours, and then quick to judge those whom he dislikes such as Slytherins like Dominic. That's always how I've imagined Sirius to be; both his fondeness of James and his dislike of Snape are strongly established throughout the series, so good job there.

I find it strange that Sirius would consider Elsa to be his best friend. This isn't a complaint, so by all means, please do no take this as a serious piece of critisism. I've just always imagined James being Sirius's best friend, it's undoubtable that they had a very strong friendship; JK is quick to show this through Sirius's attitude towards Harry (the only person left in the world who reminds him of James). Perhaps I misread the sentence. Nevertheless, it wouldn't necessarily be unrealistic if Sirius did consider Elsa to be his best friend; you've established the similarities and the strong connection between the two characters, and hey, it's your story, so long as it's convincing I have no problem with whatever you choose to change.

I'm in total awe of your writing style. Whilst reading your work I always feel so inspired to write something that flows just as well as your writing does. It acts as a highly beneficial element to your story, I mean, you could be writing about something completely boring and I'd still read it because your writing is that good - not that I think the storyline is boring at all, on the contrary, I'm really enjoying it so far!

Now, on to one of the more interesting characters in this story, Dominic (Can I just ask, is he the Yaxley in the books, or is he just a male member of the Yaxley family?) He certainly has one reckless persona. I have no idea what must have been going through his head when he did what he did to Elsa, but I'd really like to learn more about his character. He seems a tad bit on the crazy side if you ask me, is there perhaps something that we have yet to discover about him, or is he just always like that? I'm only asking because Elsa's reaction seemed to suggest shock.

I also like this particular flaw that you've given Elsa. When people try to stop their OC's coming across as Mary Sue's, they usually give them a trait such as clumsiness, which to be honest is very cliche. I like the fact that this flaw fits more with the magical world, it's highly relevant and also highly realistic. Congratulations, you've officially made Elsa a three dimensional character! Now I really love this story!


Author's Response: So, I'm taking time out of my NaNo Writing to reply to your reviews. They're coming backwards (review #3 first then backwards).

To me, I've always imagined people as having the ability to have more than one best friend. While I was in High School I had two best friends, one of whom I no longer speak with and the other I miss dearly since she moved away. Given that I was able to have 2 or more best friends, I thought it would be realistic that Sirius was capable of having 2 or more best friends. I'm including James, Remus and Elsa as those best friends, Peter falling in as a friend who has his qualities, but not quite there with James and Elsa.

Dominic is crazy, let me tell you. He is absolutely fantastic to write for. He is unique and completely insane! He is a sociopath (to use muggle terms). Yes he is meant to be the Yaxley from the books.

Elsa's reaction to what Dominic did was indeed shock, but more so because he was daft enough to actually do that in front of a teacher not because he actually did it.

Writing OCs is difficult, I'll give you that. It has taken me several years of writing OCs to finally be able to write a three dimensional OC. I really love Elsa and she is so much fun to write, so knowing you like her too is fantastic!

As for my writing style, you make me blush here. I'm not used to people making me feel all honoured and such. I am really glad you are enjoying this and I do hope you will continue to read more. Your reviews are fantastic and I look forward to hearing more from you.

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Review #38, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Potion Hazard

21st November 2010:
Hi DarkLadyofSlytherin

So I'm back with another review after reading the second chapter of this story. I can see it really beginning to develop now, but I'm still not fully sure of exactly what this story is going to be about. It seems to me as though you're still setting the scene here, but never the less, what you've managed to produce so far is very good.

I like how you've handled Elsa's background and linked it into her current affairs. She doesn't seem to be even remotely prejudice against muggleborns, despite the fact that she decends from a family almost complete of pureblood ancestry (or atleast that's what I assume as her parents seem old fashioned enough to betroth her to a boy of an equal blood status). That fact really makes Elsa likeable as a character; yes, she reminds me very much of Sirius.

Damon Avery certainly doesn't seem fully able to take a hint; he obviously likes Elsa, would I be correct in making that assumption or do his interests only evolve from the idealistic idea of himslef having a duty as a 'repectable pureblood wizard' marrying a 'respectable pureblood witch'? He does certainly seem to express a fondness for Elsa, so it would be interesting to see if anything at all could become of the two in future chapters.

The writing was, as I've mentioned in my previous review, unmistakebly flawless. The opening paragraph in particular comprised some very colourful images and descriptions.

The only thing that I didn't really like about this chapter, was the way Slughorn reacted to Elsa questioning him about his teaching methods. If you remember in the sixth book, Hermione only mentioned what she smelt when she sniffed the potion, because she got carried away with her explanation. As angry as I believe Slughorn may have been, I don't think it would have been quite in his character to ask Elsa to spill to the entire class something quite as personal as that. If it was Snape speaking to Harry for instance, I could maybe find such an action to be realistic, but I don't think Slughorn would have done that.

Be that as it may, I absolutley adored the 'wet dog' part of the chapter. A reaction from Slughorn would almost be worth that line, it was brilliant. I wonder if Sirius caught on to it, I bet the other marauders won't be able to let him live that down now.

So really, apart from the scene with Slughorn, everything about this chapter was perfect, and I really can't wait to see how this plot will unfold.


Author's Response: I don't want to develop the story too quickly, I have a lot planned for this novel and the last thing I want to do is have it paced too quickly. There is more than enough time to set the scene and a few chapters to do so seems more than adequate to me.

Elsa is not completely against muggleborns, but she doesn't completely like them either. If she were surrounded by muggleborns who were less intelligent than she is, then she wouldn't bother with them. But since her friends are in Ravenclaw she has no problem befriending them.

Damon is a guilty pleasure. Yes, he can't take a hint. Yes, he genuinely cares for Elsa, though he would marry her because he has to if it came down to it. However, since that is not the case, he does in fact have feelings towards her, she simply won't give him the time of day. He is also not your typical Slytherin, as you'll see in following chapters.

Writing Slughorn is hard. It took me several tries to get that scene, and it was only with several people agreeing that he 'might' behave this way that I left it as it. I can see how one can see him as too Snape-ish in this scene, but that is not the case.

I'm sure Sirius did catch on to it, and I'm sure James and Remus did too. However, it doesn't really come up again all that much. At least not at this point. There is a lot going on, and a lot that needs to be covered yet.

Thank you for the fantastic review, and I do hope to hear from you soon!

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Review #39, by Jane_VolturiWildflowers: Under the Stars

21st November 2010:
Hi DarkLadyofSlytherin

First of all, I feel somewhat obliged to apologise for postponing this review for such a lengthy amount of time. It was unavoidable that I did so, I assure you. Just on a seperate note before I get down to the review, I simply feel the need to compliment you on these stunning story graphics, the artists at TDA are amazing aren't they?

I think you commenced this chapter in a very effective away. For some reason I was instantly reminded of the opening scene in a movie from the Twilight saga, where Bella describes to us the meaning behind the title of the book/film. It was a very nice way to begin a story, and I think it defines Elsa straight away, so that the audience can grasp the general concept of her persona.

When I first read the seventh book in the series more than three years ago, I discovered a new-found fondness for Yaxley's character, so when I realised that the main character was related to him in some way, I was immediatley pleased. I'm bored of reading marauder-based stories that have OC's who have no relation to the books. Knowing that Elsa has connections with Yaxley, I can easily grasp the basics of her background and possible traits in her character. Another reason why I like Elsa so much, is because she holds a lot in common with her best friend; Sirius Black. It makes the pairing a lot more believable when they have something in common that's as personally rooted as family life.

By this point in the review, I'd usually be looking for something negative about the chapter that I could offer the author constructive critisism about, but as of yet I have come up blank. You seem to have done everything in the name of good taste. There are no grammar mistakes or punctual errors in there, and everything seemed to flow smoothly.

Your writing style is somewhat flawless; there was no funny worded sentences and you had a good consistency of vocabulary in there. I honestly have no complaints or advice to offer you whatsoever, but I'll notify you in later chapters if anything important crops up.

Considering this is an introductory chapter, I think you applied all of the necessities. I particularly like how you've introduced the readers to the main characters, Damon is a guilty favourite of mine. Characters like him are always fun to read about, he hasn't yet come across as immature or snotty like you would usually expect a character such as him to be like, which makes me wonder exactly how big a part he will play in the story in future chapters.

So far, great job, if the other chapters are anywhere near as good as this one then the story may very well be going into my favourites.


Author's Response: Wow, never thought I'd read my novel being compared to Twilight ever. As I've never read Twilight (and I never will), I wouldn't have a clue as to how that book begins. Though, to know you like how I've introduced the novel, that is great! I'm so glad you liked it.

I always loved the Death Eaters in the books, and its a shame that many people don't include the lesser known ones in their novels. I'm sure some of them had kids, sisters, brothers, etc. When I set out writing this one, I knew one thing: the Yaxleys were a main focus. From there my characters evolved, my plot spun out of control (its a huge plot), and everything took off from there. They remind me of the Malfoys, but without all the failure that is seen (though I am certain the Yaxleys failed numerous times).

I am so glad you enjoy how I write this novel. It was the first thing I wrote after coming back from a huge hiatus, and the first thing I've written in 3rd person that is a serious novel. So to know you enjoy it, it means a lot to me.

Thanks so much for the fabulous review, and please come back to read more!

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Review #40, by Jane_VolturiMelody: Melody Milonas

17th November 2010:
Wow, you're off to a really good start here, just when I think I've read perhaps the most interesting tories on here, another comes along and just grips me like your has.

It was the writing above all that really had me hooked. It seemed to flow so beautifully (though of cours every reader will have a different opinion on the flow of a story depending on their mood and the envioronment around them.) You used a nice amount of description, not too little, but you didn't over do it either.

I adore your characterization of the marauders, you've got them just right. I've always imagined James and Sirius to be the most dominant in the group. They hould a sense of power over everyone else that's simply unexplainable, and no matter how hard you try not to, you always end up adoring them. You really went all out to portray this, you can really tell because their characters harmonized so well together. Ah, and I'm glad to see that you haven't neglected to include the womanizing side of the lads, it's always so fun to read a marauders story where James or Sirius are players. It just adds a splash of fun to things don't you think?

This was really good, definitely a 10/10 piece of work and defintely going into my favourites. Be sure to let me know whenever there's an update.


Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for the wonderful review! You're a sweetheart. :)

I'm flattered that you think so :) Especially as that is what I was going for :*)

It is true, James and Sirius do seem like the leaders of the group but I only think it is because Remus and Peter aren't as outgoing as their mates. You definitely can't help but adore them huh? I know I can't. Indeed every marauder fic needs a ladies man & it just so happens this one has two ;)

Thank you again. Your review made my day. I will definitely be sure to let you know when the next chapter comes up, though it shouldn't be long as it's already written. Just needs to be edited and then I am good to send off off for validation.

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Review #41, by Jane_VolturiCaprice: Faceoff

14th November 2010:
Hey Cali

I'd firstly like to apologise for taking so long to get this review to you. Endless amounts of coursework and exam preparation has kept me occupied these past few months, sparing me little time to visit the forums or the archives these past few weeks.

Gosh, Cali, I'm almost crying here! How you manage to convey so much emotion in your work is truly beyond me. I'm upset for Jason, I'm upset for Sirius, but most of all I'm upset for Caprice. How did her love life get so complicated? How could Sirius jeapordize their friendship by doing something like that? He's totally ruined it for himself!

The plot! The plot is amazing. This whole jealousy thing going on with Sirius now is really realistic, but different as well. Caprice isn't this Mary Sue character who gets her man's attention straight from the start, and Sirius isn't the decent knight in shining armour that people so usually portray him to be. In fact, he seems to be quite the opposite, totally insensitive and at times oblivious to people's feelings.

Sirius and Caprice's relationship is obviously a mess, but it's really realistic. I like the obstacles you've used to prevent them from being together. They're original and very different to what I'm normally accustomed to reading. I'd like to say that hopefully things will work out but at this point right now that doesn't seem to be very likely. Fingers crossed tightly that they both find a way out of this, because I really like the idea of Sirius and Caprice being together some day.

Norah and Remus were nicely characterized. I like their roles in this chapter: the tension breakers who end up getting damaged in the brawl. Norah's such a nice person and Sirius was really awful to her. I hated him for doing that as well. And Remus was very in character, I like the fact he stuck with Norah and Caprice rather than Sirius. He's always been the most decent out of all four of the marauders, and you totally encapsulte that when you write him.

Can I just say, you're writinng style is stunning! Honestly, you pace things out perfectly and you always apply the perfect amount of description so that the readers always know what's going on, and nothing's being missed out. It's easily professional standard; simple, insightful and inspirational.

A truly flawless chapter! Make sure to notify me when the next update gets through the queue!



Author's Response: Hey again Katie!

This was such a wonderful review it was totally worth the wait :)
Wow! Katie I'm blushing here!lol It means so much to me that you think so highly of my work, really you are honestly the most wonderful reviewer Caprice has ever had :)

I know I know Sirius is in a terrible fix but he is Sirius and I have faith in him to find a way back. :)

Nora is a clear favourite in this chapter.. I really like her character and I have big plans for her :)

Thank you SO much Katie! really I love your reviews they make me feel like I'm Jeff Archer! LOL

I will definitely buzz you when the next one goes up :)

Much love,

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Review #42, by Jane_VolturiLove, Not War: |Chapter 27| Making a Promise

14th November 2010:
Hi Deana

*Sobs* Another month??? But I really want to know what happens now - ooh, because I'm your BETA and I'm such a nice person could I please pretty please pretty please please please have a glmipse of some of the material you've written for the next chapter, even a paragraph would keep me going. PLEASE!

Oh Deana, I never thought I'd say it but...I actually think I like Bellatrix. I know what you're thinking: how did this happen? What drove her to this point of madness? Oh I'm just so sorry for Roxi at the moment, and the whole plate cleaning-up gesture was probably the only support Roxi could get at that point. I know my fondness of Bellatrix will be very short-lived. It seems that Roxi is already beginning to come to her senses now so hopefully she'll be out of there within the next few chapters. Maybe Kirreona will help her out as well as Lucius and Snape.

Oh I knew it! I knew Roxi wasn't really as bad as this, I knew she'd come to her senses in the end. I just hope she gets out of there before Voldemort makes her kill another poor, innocent soul (for lack of a better word.) I have a feeling Greyback will play a part in helping Roxi escape, just a feeling! He's not been in this for a while now, he's creepy ('Doll face' is a shining example of that!) but I like him all the same.

The last line: 'What could possibly go wrong?' seems to hint that a LOT could go wrong. I hope Percy keeps his annoying beak out of things this time, I'm sick to death of him bringing misery to Roxi and Draco. It's his fault that they're not together, gosh I couldn't hate someone more (except maybe Voldemort!) I've got my fingers crossed for Roxi...and Snape and Lucius, I really want them to come out of this alive and well.

A thought just occured to me. If Roxi escapes Voldemort, where will she go??? Draco's told the Order she's a traitor so I doubt they'll have her back. Does this mean she's going back to America? I hope whatever happens she and Draco manage to work things out. Please oh pretty please.

Another amazing chapter Deana!



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Review #43, by Jane_VolturiLove, Not War: |Chapter 26| Interrogation

14th November 2010:
Hey Deana, here to review another amazing chapter of this story.

I can't tell you how pleased I am to read a chapter free of Voldemort's influence. Whenever Draco was down in that dark cellar I was compelled to feel sad and scared for the characters. The burrow makes things seem a lot sunnier and pleasant (even though Draco is feeling anything but those emotions). I can't wait for the return of my favourite OC in this story, she's not been in it that much for the past few chapters.

I like the little sub plot you have here about Saleena and her mother and the gypsies, it really adds a nice dimension to the story and links Saleena firmly to Draco's complex situation. It also shows a lot of originality and difference to the Harry Potter universe; quite like a breath of fresh air when things are getting too dark or upsetting. I have an inkling that Saleena will be able to get more out of Draco than McGonagall did, am I right? If I am then I hope she'll bring Draco to his senses about Roxi. If anyone can smell a rat (that goes by the name of Percy Weasley) then it has to be Saleena. Or maybe I'm wrong, I can't wait to find out how this situation gets resolved. Her mother will obviously give Saleena a motive to visit Voldemort's lair (if she or the Order could find it that is.)

I really like the way that you have characterized McGonagall. She seems very canon in this chapter. It's great because McGonagall is one of those characters that can be very easily misunderstood as a softy. You've kept in mind her stern traits and acknowledgement of priority and responsibility, Great job.

I really admire your patience Deana. I wouldn't be able to write a conversation for that long without rushing it at some parts. And what's more, you got every out there and kept the characters canon. I wish I could do that (I probably could if I really concentrated but I probably wouldn't do as good a job as you have.)

A flawless chapter, one of my favourites.



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Review #44, by Jane_VolturiLove, Not War: |Chapter 25| The Edge of Right and Wrong

14th November 2010:
Ah, you have no idea how nice it is to finally have the time to relax and read a story that I love so much. I hardly get to do that anymore :p

Woops, I'd read this chapter ages ago and assumed its content was in the last chapter. Sorry, I've already left a review for this one in the old chapter lol. Hmm, I think I'll take this oppurtunity to go into further detail about my thoughts on Roxi becoming a Death Eater.

As I've already said previously, I like the fact that she's joined forces with Voldemort to get back at Percy. As much as I despise the fact that Voldemort is just using her, it opens a great oppurtunity for further development of Roxi's character. This immediate drop she has undergone from the point of being such a loyal and caring person to a hurt, revenge-thirsty girl just shows how humanly she has responded to such a devastating situation. I really hope she overcomes this obstacle and goes back to the Roxi that we all love so much, she obviously can't do that whilst under Voldemort's evil influence but hopefully she'll be free of him soon.

Your chapter title really depicts how the author portrays Roxi right at this moment, good choice! I hope that in time she goes the right way instead of the wrong way.

ARGH, I HATE Voldemort. You've done a great job showing us how sly and manipulative he can be, you've really hit his character on the nail in this chapter, he seems so sly and cunning...eurgh, I really hate him!

Another great chapter Deana, there isn't really much else that I can say about it seeing as I got it all out of my system in my previous review.

Keep up the amazing work!



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Review #45, by Jane_VolturiLove, Not War: |Chapter 24 | Who to Blame

14th November 2010:
Deana *hugs*

I firstly want to apologise for taking so long to get this review to you (most of my reviews seem to start like that nowadays, life can really get in the way at times.)

What can I say? I really loved this chapter, you addressed Roxi's reaction to the situation as she currently sees it in a very realistic manner. As hard as I find it to accept the fact that she's a Death Eater, I have to admit, it really works. You've done such a good job portraying her character development. I like the fact that she isn't a goody-two shoes Mary-Sue. I really get her character because you do such a good job of describing her through her actions and ideas. I also really like the fact that you haven't made her out to be this grieving mess of a girl who's balling her eyes out because her boyfriend just died. I preffer her silent mourning and willingness to get over Draco's death by becoming a Death Eater. It's a lot more different and interesting to read.

I honestly don't think that I could feel sorry for Lucius any more than what I do now. There's been such a development in his character throughout the process of this novel. This new, kind-hearted man has suffered so much loss and grief that at this point in the novel I'm surprised he hasn't killed himself. I really want to see him get his reward at some point near the end of this novel. Something nice for Lucius would be lovely. But of course, it's your story so I'll just have to wait and see what will become of him.

Percy wasn't really in this chapter. As much as I hate him, I find that his presense in a chapter really brings something to the story, he's like this annoying little insect you can't wait to squash. I like the idea that Roxi's all out to get revenge on him now. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Voldemort! Now he is the character that I truly loathe! He's so evil and uncaring - you really do encapsulate his character perfectly Deana, I'm so glad that you've managed to grasp his character, it's so difficult for a lot of people to do. I can't wait to see him and Percy get their comeuppance in the end (well atleast, I hope that they do ;).

One aspect of your writing that I really admire is the way you tell the story Deana. You cover every significant thought and action so that the reader can really grasp the situation you are refering to. It's one of the many things that I really enjoy about your story, alongside its creativity and originality of course.

I'm absolutley in love with this story! I've been reading it for over a year now and it never gets old or boring! I'm practically rushing now so that I can read the next chapter and find out what happens next. Keep up this amazing work, I'm so happy to be the BETA of this story.


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Review #46, by Jane_VolturiWarning: There are no cliches present in this story: Illogical

18th September 2010:
Hi, this is JaneTwilight (Katie) from the forums. i really shoudln't be on the forums or the archives because I have heaps of work that I have to be getting on with, but when seeing this entry to my make me laugh challenge, I simply couldn't resist.

What can I say, you've done everything in the name of good taste; everything that I expected of a humor piece and much much more. reading this caused me physical pain ... which is partly my fault as I did 200 sit ups this morning and my abdomen is killing me. The constant laughing really didn't help, v.painful lol.

On a more serious note, this has to be a complete ten out of ten. Ever since joining the archives, I have developed a strong dislike of the dramione ship, and although I agree to read them grudgingly when people on my review thread request me too, it still makes me cringe to read the constant cliches. i think you managed to get every one, and i can tell you, I couldn't have laughed harder. This story deserves an award. You said it how it is, and I couldn't have done a better job myself. For once i've found a Draco/Hermione story that I do like; wow, I can actually say that now lol. definitely going into my favourites and good look with my challenge.

Katie x

Author's Response: Thank you so much, I'm so glad that you enjoyed it. I guess it did make you laugh then, which is always good! I can't understand why you'd do so many sit ups though ;). Thank you so, so much for the lovely review!

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Review #47, by Jane_VolturiCaprice: Lost

24th August 2010:
Hi Cali

Wow, once I stop hyperventilating, I'll get to the review.

Sometimes it's just so bloody typical of a Slytherin such as Regulus to traipse into Caprice's life midway through the novel and add salt to her steadily-healing wound. Grr, he's got some nerve doing that! I can't say I'm surprised by his deplorable actions in this chapter though; I think you did an excellent job establishing the young Regulus as the typical, spiteful Slytherin type I'm so accustomed to reading about; I really couldn't imagine him any other way.

As strange as it may sound, I love fill chapters; they're the perfect excuse to tie up all of those loose ends that readers' so dreadfully hate. I'm glad that you decided to take a little break from Sirius/Caprice in this chapter, right up until the last few paragraphs it was quite refreshing to be assured that the protagonist was more at ease. Did I mention I hate Regulus?

I suppose there could be a positive outcome from Regulus's confrontation; hopefully, fingers crossed, his words may have rekindled some of Caprice's feelings for Sirius, because as much as I like Jason as a character, Sirius/Caprice will always be my favourite ship in this story.

This really was a magnificent chapter, once again you've done everything in the name of good taste. I don't know where to begin!

Sirius! I like the fact that he's not in this too much. Not only does this show that Caprice isn't knowingly into him anymore, it also shows us just how oblivious she is to his true feelings for her. The irony is killing me lol; she likes him but he doesn't like her, then she begins to get over him and he begins to like her. Well, who said Romance is dead? Hopefully, fingers crossed they'll realise their love for eachother some time in the future, and when they do I'll be like the insanely wise ravenclaw who says 'I told you so.' Lol, ignore my ramblings, I can be like that sometimes.

I'm not sure whether or not I've mentioned this before, but I really like how you've characterized your other OC's in this story. At first I was curious about Norah, as I knew so little about her, but you've really developed her as a character over the progression of this story. I think it's cute that she's crushing on a guy (she was totally crushing on Amir Patil right?)

Cali, once again you've baffled me. How can you write so brilliantly at such an even pace, without neglecting any detail or description? Teach me! I just wouldn't have the patience to write a chapter this long without giving in and rushing near to the end. I couldn't spot any grammar mistakes either, once again this was a flawless chapter and well worth the wait.

I'm slightly low now because I have to wait another few weeks for the next chapter. Why oh why does your story have to be so addictive?

Keep up the great work Cali, I'm so proud of what you've achieved so far.


Katie (JaneTwilight)

Author's Response: WOW once again Katie you give me that high only a wonderful review like this can give! I cannot tell you how inexplicably pleased I am that you enjoyed this chapter. After taking a break from a developing WIP the come back is a bit of a challenge and I was so hoping this would be good enough. I'm so glad you enjoyed this :) I promise an update soon :) THANKS A MILLION! you are definitely the best reviewer I've ever had for my stories :)
Much lovexx.

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Review #48, by Jane_VolturiLook What You've Done To Me: Look What You've Done To Me

24th August 2010:
Hi Cherry Bear

This is JaneTwilight from the forums. I was scrolling through your author page and this particular one shot seemed to jump out at me. It's very rare that I ever come across a mourning Cho story, but as much as she may annoy me, I can't deny the fact that Ive always had a soft spot for Cedric, and anything that reminds me even remotley of him always seems to catch my eye.

It's interesting that the book 'Wuthering Heights' inspired you to write this story; I don't think I've ever come across a story that was based around that particular type of romance before (except for 'eclipse' of course.) I did kind of make the connection towards the end of reading this one-shot (though that could be more to do with the fact that I just finished reading the novel last night.) I really like stories based around classics, you can just tell that they're going to be good.

I really enjoyed reading this. Your words flowed really well together, and your writing made the story nice to read. You handled Cho's heartbreak really well and you kept her very much in character.

I couldn't really spot any flaws, this was a great story and it's definitley going into my favourites. Feel free to request more reviews in the future if you like. You have a great writing style and I'm sure I'd enjoy reading more of your work.


Katie (JaneTwilight) x

Author's Response: Hey there Katie! First can I thank you so much for leaving me this review? You really didn't have to at all, and it was really really really sweet of you. One of these days when my life stops sucking and being busy I'm going to leave you a super long review to thank you for it. Just wait ;) But, yeah, thanks. You rock. This review definitely made my day a little brighter.

Before I wrote this, Cho annoyed me just as much as she does you but, even after I wrote this, I'm still annoyed with her. I just think that, just like every other person in the world, she has some sadness in her life story that can't just be ignored. I'm glad you'd never read something like this before, because that's part of what I strive to achieve when I write something.

It's ironic that you just finished reading Wuthering Heights and then you read this; I wrote it right after I read the book for the first time as well. So many reviews have told me that there's not enough to compare Cho with Heathcliff, so I think the acceptance of a parallelism between them must only seem realistic and apparent after just reading the book. Or, at least, that's what I'm going to tell myself haha.

I'm so glad that you liked this so much as all that. I'm totally blushing like a loon right now. Thanks so much for the review and all the wonderful compliments! :) You're really good at cheering people up, apparently.

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Review #49, by Jane_VolturiIncendio: Heartbreak

24th August 2010:
Hi moonbaby11

First of all I would like to apologise for not getting this review to you sooner. I've been very busy these past few weeks and I simply haven't had the time. You mentioned in your areas of concern that you wanted me to focus on everything in general rather than any specifics, so forgive me if this review is a little long; when I focus on everything, I can sometimes go a little over the top with my analysis.

Characterization seems like a reasonable place to start, so I'll begin there. I must say, I'm quite surprised that you chose to use Molly of all next generation characters as your main protagonist; she hasn't really proven popular in other stories that I've read on here, or maybe I just haven't been perceptive enough. It's quite refreshing really to read a story from the point of view of a character that hasn't been explored as much in the Harry Potter universe. What's pleased me even more was the fact that you decided to pair her with Teddy. It's such an unusual pairing and I don't think I've ever seen it before, but don't worry, as far as I'm concerned the more unusual the better, it makes for a really nice change.

I have to say, I love you for not making Molly the usual stereotypical, annoying, cliche type that she's always portrayed to be; it's nice to find that not all authors on her see her as a duplicate of her father, you took the realistic option and I like that. My sympathy does go out to her, what girl hasn't suffered heartbreak in a similar situation to hers? I think she behaved how any heartbroken girl would have done, and I think you do a great job of making the reader sympathise with her character so kudos for that.

Wow, now a womanizing Teddy is most definitely something that I'm not used to seeing on here. I'm really loving the originality of this story so far. I'm so used to him being decent and kind like his father, but you've made him into something quite the opposite and I'm loving it! I suppose a lot of teenage boys nowadays behave like Teddy, it's very much in their nature to do so, and I like the fact that you've kept that in mind.

I'm also not used to seeing Roxanne in fics; she's sometimes briefly mentioned but I don't think I've ever seen her speaking in a story before so yay, again, something different to enjoy! I think she shows parallels to her mother. She seems rather head strong in this story and I like the fact that she isn't taking any nonsense from Teddy. Good for her.

There were a few grammar mistakes in there that you may want to look over; perhaps a beta would be a good idea. Other than that though there was nothing particularly glaring about this one shot.

I really liked the storyline. Like I said before, it's very original and interesting. There wasn't a moment in this story that I found myself bored. You constructed the events in a good way and I really liked the time changes from present to past to present again; I thought they played a very effective role in this story. I was intrigued throughout; you chose a plot theme that many girls can relate to; it was a truly great read.

Feel free to request a review again, I really enjoyed reading this cute little one shot and it's going straight into my favourites.

Katie (JaneTwilight) x

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the long (I like long reviews!) ;) and lovely review. I don't mind that it took you a while to get to it, I know how life can be.

Anyways, I'm glad that you enjoyed this. I know what you mean about Molly and Roxy not being in a lot of fics. They just always seem to be forgotten. :(

I'll look it over and see if I can spot the errors. Thanks! :)

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Review #50, by Jane_VolturiFear of Falling: One

5th August 2010:
Hi lia_2390

Argh! Horrific graduation moment; my sympathy goes out to poor Hestia. Here with your requested review; sorry that I couldn't have gotten this to you sooner, you know how crazy life can get at times. Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about Hestia, she's much more interesting.

I love reading stories that focus on the minor characters of the series. It's very refreshing to gain an insight into other elements that JK only brushed upon in the books. In my opinion, Hestia was never given much of a purpose in the series, considering the fact that she was a member of the Order of the Phoenix, so it was nice to read a story from her perspective for a change. We know very little about her character, due to the fact she isn't in the books much, but judging from what I do know of her character, I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head; expanding her persona in the process. She's still the same respectable, goody-two-shoes that we all know and love, but you've given her additional traits which I think really fit her age. For one, she comes across as quite timid and nervous, which I find a useful quality to possess, strange as it may sound. I also like the fact that you've made her a Hufflepuff; most people assume that all of the Order members were Gryffindors, so I'm glad you took the realistic route with Hestia; it's nice to see some house unity, particularly around the House Cup time of year.

Whilst we're discussing characterization, let's talk about Sirius. Wow, you made him a real heartthrob in this little one shot! You were so descriptive when it came to his looks and his behavior that I was almost mimicking Hestia with the crazy heartbeats and all. Lol, am I scaring you? Honestly though, I think you did a really good job of keeping him in character and also modernizing him to fit the teenage age. A seventeen/eighteen year old Sirius is a character JK very rarely gave us a glimpse of, which is why I love the marauder era so much. I also really liked the chemistry between Sirius and Hestia, have you considered creating this into a novel, because they're the exact type of couple I'd love to read about. By the end of the one shot the story seemed unresolved, which created a really good effect but left me thirsty for more.

Taking a glance at your areas of concern, I was careful to pay close attention to the plot, flow and grammar. I'll start with the grammar because I'm going for a sandwich structured review, heh.

Your grammar overall was very good, and I found that your words flowed really nicely together. However, I did come across two typos that can easily be fixed.

"And since when were you Gryffindors' so deceiving?"

There shouldn't be an apostrophe after the 'Gryffindors'.

'She wasn't they kind of girl to be tied down but neither was he. '

I think that 'they' should be 'the'.

The flow of the story was really good, nothing seemed out of place and I think you constructed the plot in a very effective way. There wasn't a moment whilst reading the story that I wasn't bored. It was a really enjoyable read, and this is definitely going into my favourites.

Feel free to request again, I'd love to read more of your work.

Katie (Jane_Volturi)

Author's Response: Hiya Katie

Don't worry about the lateness, I'm a bit late in replying to this anyway. Yes the grad scene, I hated to have to do that to her but it would have been very interesting to have her not fall, after all her anxiety and such.

I love minor characters as well, it was the purpose of this challenge actually, to write a snapshot of their lives - it could be about anything at all. I always felt that they had their own story to tell - their feelings, their perspective, their lives...what were they really like? Things like that. Her character was one that I had forgotten was even in existence, like you said, she wasn't given a purpose.

I guess for Hestia, I took my inspiration on who I pictured her teenage self would be (i.e. The image on the banner [Alexis Bledel]) and perhaps even from me. I get what you're saying about those qualities, yes they can be very useful but at the same time, they can hold you back. Yes, I really hate that stereotype. It's just like how a lot of people think all of the Death Eaters were Slytherin. I'm always for house unity...I really dislike prejudices.

LOL! Yes you are scaring me! I had to read this over to see what you were talking about. I guess again, a bit of this came from my experiences. I think Sirius would've been a tad bit more mature when he wasn't being a bully. I usually like reading Marauder Era Sirius as well. I haven't thought of making this one-shot into a novel but when I read your review the first time, I had thought about writing a companion to his, about 15-20 years into the future when he gets out of Azkaban and Hestia joins the Order. It's something for me to keep in mind though.

I hadn't exactly planned to have a decent ending of sorts where they'd ride off into the sunset together or something. Nothing really ever happens like that. You can have a moment like what they had by the tree but then reality kicks in again and you get sidetracked. Hestia had her doubts and Sirius had been trying to keep his feelings at bay as well. They both did not want to destroy what they already had, their friendship but sometimes it's too hard to fight what your heart says.

Ok, grammar. I'll go and fix those, thank you :)

Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate it!


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