there's not much i can critique because you're a very
talented writer who's tediously careful and looks over
all of her work ^.^
i didn't find many, if any at all, grammatical / punctuational
mistakes, nor were there any spelling mishaps that i was
aware of. the format and the flow of it all was pretty spot
on if i do say so myself. the plot follows neatly after DH,
where you kept the right couples, the right children, and
i like how you're switching it up though. for all we know,
what is going to happen in your story could have happened after JK's epilogue; we'll never know!
the beginning of your story was like reading a piece done by
a french romatic writer; it was marvelous. i had to reread
most of it to understand it but once i did the second time
around, it couldn't have made more sense.
you have a great talent as an artist and i'm excited to
read more of this story !
10 /10 :] !Author's Response: Oh wow, thank you for the compliment! You touched on a lot of the points I was wondering about, so thank you again for that - typos and grammar and flow can sometimes get out of control for me.
And it's also good to know that it fits into DH. That prologue certainly makes it hard to manoeuvrer around, so here's hoping I can keep up with making this a canon story. :D It's set a couple of years before the epilogue, and the ending will (if it goes according to plan) finish with an alternate perspective of the epilogue, showing Hermione and Ginny while Harry and Ron talk on their own and to the children.
Haha, that beginning comes from reading too many Victorian novels. It's so thick in language, but it sets the scene well enough - the romantic side of this story will probably play out like a Victorian drama, all angst and heartbreak. ;) It's great that you liked how that turned out.
Thank you for doing this! I'll certainly request you for more reviews! :D Report Review
okay so you've become probably my favorite author.
this story was so riveting, so entertaining, i couldn't
pull myself away. i indulged myself in each chapter and
kept on until the next one came.
everything you made up was just so creative; the OC's,
especially bianca and gizelle, had very distinctive
characteristics that i've never found anywhere else. AU
is definitely your genre, you excell in it.
the first chapter was quite cute; draco and hermione were
both so young and their little conversation in the train was
just adorable. i love how out-there your draco is, mainly
his hair styles, haha! i also like how you did not really change
the way hermione has always been; she's still pretty timid,
intelligent, top of the class, etc.
the panty part was cute, too, as was the bath tub part. the
way you portray draco is just so warm and unlike him in
actuality, it gaurantees a wonderful read. i do not know how
old you are but it must be over twenty because the way
you write, your flow and your plot, it's very intelligent.
you know so much about german and french, most likely
because you speak them, but still! it's nice to see you using
it in the correct way, especially because i understand it!
the way that the two interacted with one another, you'd
think you were an author as experienced as JK herself.
you had a variety of characters and you didn't lose the
essence of any one of them. each had their own particular
personality and though they were all very diverse, they
overall, you're just a superb writer, mostly because you're
so literate and creative. i cannot wait for more of this story,
it's one of the bests i've ever read.
10 / 10 ! Author's Response: Thank you. I'm blushing beet red now. Now that I've had two years under my belt, I'm feeling more comfortable about slowing the pace and adding more descriptions. You will see a tie-in to Mirror Man with this one. The Draco in the mirror had a back story in the back of my head but I finally decided to pen him. Plus, I didn't see much on Durmstrang so I can have free reign. Plus I didn't want it to be a morbid place - too cliche.
My secret to different character is in your head give them just a brief background and then think of the characteristics that would follow. Those quirks add to their personality. If you ever write those characters, ensure their story background matches up to where we meet them. OR I know someone with a personality that I embellish.
Yes-I am older but I promised myself to always maintain my inner child. Many times I see a bit of news or something and make it into a story. My languages are a little rusty so the internet helps. You've made my day. Thanks.
you asked me to review this for you so here i am ^.^
first off, i noticed that you seem to have trouble with
ending sentences. you have a lot to say, and although
that isn't a bad thing, it makes the format of your story
look and sound pretty sloppy. there weren't many
punctuation mistakes, just a few minor ones.
for example, in the middle of a run on sentence, there
should have been a semi-colon or even a comma, yet
there wasn't one. it was just this really long sentence
that looked like a paragraph when really, it wasn't.
It was something he had never seen but her love was just so great that Salazar could never see coming from another, it was what melted his heart in the first.
this particular sentence did not make much sense to me,
just because there are so many words used that are trying
to make do of something that could be much simpler. i really
don't understand what you were trying to say, but that's
probably because i'm stupid, haha.
you repeated a lot of works, like never, ever, and smile.
you could replace those words with
for never: at no time, not under any condition, nevermore,
not in any way, etc.
for ever: anytime, at all, at any point, by any chance, in
any case, everylastingly, at any time in history.
for smile: grin, beam, smirk, turned up lips.
for repeating the word 'smile' a lot, 'smile' is a noun so it
doesn't seem that out of place when it's used a bunch of
times but when it's an adverb like 'never' or 'ever' then
it's definitely something the reader picks up on.
i'm sure you know this, but an adverb describes another verb.
in your case, salazar had loved; how had he loved? never.
it shows a pattern and though your story might not be, it
gives off the impression that it's all rushed, just because of
the evident and clear use of the two probably most common
adverbs. just a little tip.
i'd also reccomend requesting a beta or if you don't want to
do that, then make sure you proof read because there were
a few spelling mistakes; not too many and i probably wouldn't
have noticed them if i hadn't have concentrated so hard on
finding them, but yeah, just saying.
for example: Weather the myth is true
weather should be whether and that was probably something
you easily overlooked, so i don't blame you :]
otherwise, this was a fantastic read. i've never read a ff
involving the founders so it was a pretty good introduction
to it. i'd love to read more by you!
8 / 10 ! Author's Response: Thanks so much! I am currently working on a touch up on it at this moment so hearing what you have to say helps in expanding my work and making it better. I haven't gotten a beta just yet seeing as I am still tweaking it. I just put it up so I could get some advice on it in general idea of whether the fic as a whole had potential. I GREATLY appreciate what you had to say! Report Review
a lot better than i expected it to be, that's for sure! ^.^
the beginning was quite...cute? i guess that's the only word
that would really fit. it seems like you took your time with
this one. you described everything a lot differently than in
the ron / lavendar one. i'm very impressed. i don't have much
critique for now, maybe i will as the chapters progress.
the only advice i have is to keep writing like so, chunky
paragraphs, descriptive and lengthy sentences, and a
widened use of vocabulary. it's very appealing and i know
i'm not the only one who thought so.
10 / 10 ! Author's Response: thank you very much for the lovely review. i am very proud of my work on this and to hear that it was enjoyable again is very exciting. i will be sure to let you know when i get the next chapter up. i actually wrote this before the Ron/Lavender story but it goes to show that as authors we all have our strong points and our week ones. thanks again. Report Review
honestly, there are only a few things i have to say to you;
absolutely brilliant. you as an author have continued to
draw me in every time i read a new chapter. your writing
is amazing and it's so different, it's a great new style, a
breath of fresh of air that the HPFF world needs.
i honestly could not find one mistake, or find anything that
i was unhappy with. everything you wrote was just so much
above average that i didn't care after awhile; i just read and
read and soon it became so flawless that there was no point
in looking for grammatical / spelling errors.
you really should try and write a book, get it published.
you'd go amazingly far and i can gaurantee that you'd
already have one promised fan - points to self -
i applaud you and your amazing ability to write so well.
great job Author's Response: Thank you. Oh gosh..I'm blushing. I think this one was my best twist. I actually never tried publishing since I've been at this for about two years now, unless you count business correspondence and technical manuals. That's way I tend not to overly flourish.
I've actually thought about penning a Sci-fi adventure but not so much space battles. For an RPG, I created my own race and characters and such. I purposefully wrote it that their world wasn't perfect but they weren't a bunch of screw-ups. Anyhow, enough about that on to HP. Very elaborate plots are the result of my love of RPG and spy/intrigue/mystery genres. This particular piece relates to my love of Edgar Allen Poe and was influenced by The Fall of the House of Usher in the obvious parts.
talk about a tear jerker! okay, i didn't really cry, but
i came so dangerously close to it. my chin was quivering
and everything. now i'm all sad because they didn't end
up together. why didn't he say anything? ahh, i have so
many questions but i do not want to hound you with them;
i came to leave a constructive review and that is what
at times, i found the story to be a bit slow, other times
a bit too fast, and most of the time, going at the right
pace. it seemed like you couldn't make your mind up on
what to do with certain parts so you sort of just left it
or kept rambling on until it just wasn't significant anymore.
you have to watch that, because sooner or later you're
going to end up doing that with a whole story and you
won't have much to work with.
the remorse and bitterness that you hooked with harry
really worked well for me; i believed all of it. i could feel
how upset he was, i could feel how ashamed he was of
himself when he looked at everybody else who had moved
on and he had stayed in the same exact place. you have
a way with writing where i can actually be the
character you're describing, i can actually feel every emotion
that they are feeling.
great, understandle vocabulary. you didn't use too many
large words that most wouldn't comprehend which is a
smart move; that way, your story appeals to those of all
ages, even if that was not your intention.
overall, i gave it a 9 / 10 because the ending left me sad,
haha. but you're a fantastic writer, i can't wait to read
more of your work :]Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really glad you said that about my narration - how it was boring at some parts and skiddish at others. That's a problem I didn't realize I had until this review, and I'll try to work on that for all of my future fics. I'm really glad you liked this story. This one is close to my heart because I actually felt this one, as you said. It's interesting that you said that about my vocabulary - I'll keep that in mind for the future as well.
Thank you so much ^_^ Report Review
you asked me to review, so here i am ^.^
i liked it. the flow was...generally nice, if that word
is appropriate enough. i like how you didn't rush anything,
you took your time with getting to your main point,
just to build up the readers tension (whether that was
intentional or not, great job).
another thing i liked that i didn't think i would was how
you barely used their names and instead used words
not commonly used in stories nowadays. it made things
more mysterious, secretive, which was basically your
whole story. the way it was written, i cannot describe
really how it made me and others feel...
like there was something missing, perhaps? you left
a lot to the imagination, which i enjoy. you didn't hound
us with too many details or give away everything in the
first few sentences. you drew it out and in some cases
did not reveal anything at all; it makes me wish there
were more chapters.
your vocabulary was easy to understand, i love reading
stories where the author knows how to use words properly.
it was a nice change for me, considering the stories i
read are lacking applicable vocabulary, if any at all.
another thing i liked was the lack of dialogue. i feel more
is understood when it is the character who is thinking it
throughout. i liked the two sides of it; most would only
give us one. it was interesting to read what diana was
thinking while regulus was thinking. entertaining, to say
the very least.
i gave you a 9 / 10 just because it's a one shot; i would
have loved to keep going on with the chapters :]
amazing job.Author's Response: Wow! Thanks so much, that review really made my day!
I'm glad you thought my flow was good, that it wasn't boringly drawn out and tedious. :)
I'm happy you liked that, it was something I really worked on in this story. I always get bored reading stories that are like: "Regulus said, Diana said, Regulus did, Diana did." you know? I think reading the names over and over gets boring, so I'm glad that you thought that added to the story.
Yeah, I kind of tried to keep it mysterious and such, it was a fun way to write. :) Wow, that's a huge compliment that you wanted more, I'm happy you like it that much.
Thanks, this was a story I couldn't really work much dialogue in, nor did I want to. I'm glad that worked out well. :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm sooo happy you liked this so much! This review really made my day. Thanks for all your time and effort in reviewing my story! Report Review
haha so here i am; you asked for a review!
and really darling, you don't need to have any worries about
your story being too choppy or the characters not being believable, because it was all that and a whole bunch more.
the story reminded me so much of moonys aimee's story
stuck with me (you should definitely read it, its amazing) because instead of the regular romance so many people write about, it was about the closeness of family members and no matter what goes wrong with someone, you always have your family to back you up.
it was a heart warming story, and your vocabulary is much wiser than most but it still makes your story make a lot of sense, whereas some people will use dictionary . com to find words they didn't even know existed too many times and it ends up not really being readable.
i applaud you & i'd really like to read more of your stories, especially ones like this.
10 / 10 Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it ... and thanks for the recommendation. I'll take a look at that story soon. I figured I'd focus on family and friends because I don't want to write about something I don't know about - namely, romance. Thanks. I'll toot my own horn and suggest you read 'The Chess Set' as it follows the same sort of ideas as this one. Thanks very much for your review :). Report Review
okay so i fgave you a 10 / 10 for the whole
thing, not just this chapter in general, because
i've never read something more capturing.
from the first chapter, i seriously could not stop.
my phone was vibrating off the hook because
i wasn't answering my text messages, i just honestly
couldn't stop. it was quite a different story, i will
give you that. normally, i read fan fiction that revolves
purposely around romance / fluff and the likes so it
was definitely a change to read something that
dealt with a different sort of love.
the relationship between astrum and lucius was very
believable; the way they interacted with one another
had a scene going through my head; it'd be a great
movie if it were longer, btw.
i loved how you threw a bit of french into it; i'm taking
french myself so it's always nice to see other people
using it in the correct way. the only thing that really
confused me was how mature the children were; if i'm
correct, the oldest was six? they didn't seemed to be
making any grammatical errors besides astrum, which
is understandable. i really don't mind this, but it just
didn't seem realistic.
i know that their family as a whole was more on the
sophisticated side than other families might be, so
that's probably the reason why, so just ignore me :P
great story, i'd love to read something mirroring this
from you some time again ! Author's Response: Thank you so much. You're making me blush. Well - I do have a romance or two up there but they aren't just romance. It seems I can rarely break away from my first love of mystery. However, I do have healing/family genres and this being one of them. This was a cure for the dread of paying taxes.
Yes - Astrum and Lucius have a great relationship. I'm so glad you like the non-romance of it. When I drew up the children, I didn't want to put the oldest, Scorpius, as his fave - too cliche. The second, Severus, again cliche because Lucius would take to him because of guilt over Draco because Sev is the spitting image of Draco. (Time - jump plot bunny possibility). Any how, Astrum is soo much like Lucius could have been if he had a decent childhood and she doesn't take NO for an answer = All that put together makes her his fave. Later in the anthology, as she gets older, Lucius' influence over Astrum becomes apparent as well as hers to him.
Yes - I do write children that seem older than what they are because I was kind of like that. They're around adults with great expectations and there geniuses. The other thing which is my preference/flaw is I can't stand writing in phonetics. Bellatrix speaking in the books I completely skipped over because it made no sense to me at all. In the movie, understood and loved it. That's just me. I default to stating in an accented French voice. I too have had French and some Spanish, but I found speaking easier than writing. The internet helps me spell. My trick in language class is to pick a movie you've seen a thousand times and watch it in that language with English subtitles but try not to read them. It helps.
well, i must say, this is one of the better stories i've
read recently, maybe even in my whole 'career' of
your sentence structure is a bit choppy sometimes,
& you use the word 'and' a little too much when you're
starting new sentences. other than that, however, i
couldn't find many mistakes! your grammar is flawless
and your vocabularly is wise beyond your years. who
doesn't love reading a well written story?
every woman also loves reading about another woman
triumphing over everybody's expectations. i smirked a
few times during this story, just because some of the
things you made norah do were pure genius. i had a special
liking for the whole pumpkin juice scene; brilliant.
and really, i think i might keep reading this. you've drawn
me away from the fact that it's maurader era and brought
me into a story that isn't solely based around what time
it takes place in, but who's involved with it.
great job, can't wait for more :]
9 / 10 Author's Response: Oh wow, that's pretty high praise to start off with - thank you!
I'll definitely have to watch out for sentence structure and 'and' repetition in future chapters and when I go back over this chapter as well.
Hey, hey, everyone loves their work being called 'pure genius' ;) I'l glad you enjoyed it, thanks for the great feedback! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection