This was very interesting. Writing only 500 words is tough; writing a good story consisting of 500 words is even tougher yet you managed to do it and with a character that I don't think is even widely used. For a story this short, a poetic feel is almost a must and you brought that through with such amazing imagery.
I don't know why, but I'm currently having a bit of obssession with dark stories dealing with death. Your personification of it was wonderful, especially this line:
"...death will come, snapping its teeth and unhinging its mouth, prepared to swallow him whole."
I just love it! And the way Fabian just stands there, accepting Death, was even more enjoyable. His description of the "beast" hunting him, calling it a puppet, actually made a lot of sense. Those Death Eaters, regardless of how much I love reading about most of them, are just little puppets of Voldemort. Though the same could be said about those fighting on the other side and obediently going along with everything Dumbledore says, and Fabian does at least begin to wonder if they are all puppets. It's an interesting thing to wonder about right before he dies.
Very wonderful piece here, I really enjoyed it. Goodness, I would have loved to have more but, of course, you coudn't make this any longer, and it works perfectly as a short one-shot.
-Reyes91Author's Response: OMG i am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond to this!! i thought i had already...
thank you so much for such a lovely review! i really appreciate you taking the time to read and leave me such nice words!
500 words was tough! very tough! i just wanted to bust out and go nuts, lol. i agree - poeticism is a must in something so short.
thank you. i don't know where lines like that come from sometimes, lol.
poor fabian. he has no choice but to accept his death and i think he is willing to die. he will fight, but he knows death is the inevitable. i wanted to describe that horrible, spine chilling feeling that you sometimes get when something is 'hunting' you. my cat stalked me once - it was terrifying! this house cat was hunting me and i reacted like it was a tiger or something! but it actually scared me for a moment - the knowledge that something was looking on me as prey!
(i am not scared of house cats by the way, lol)
i have always seen the death eaters as puppets with voldie pulling the strings, so to a degree, the order were puppets also. both sides were fighting for what they thought was right. i think it would be the sort of thing he would consider before he died - sort of a last moment of doubt and questioning.
thank you so much! i am so thrilled you enjoyed it!!
Kate xx Report Review
Hey, here for another review for you,
All right, so you don't seem to have much problems with characters. Kalama and her sister seem to react quite well for their ages, especially in the beginning when Kalama was getting yelled at. Her thoughts drifting away was kind of amusing; my son gets that blank stare on his face whenever he gets in trouble, and I know he isn't listening to a word I'm saying.
Now, Kalama's real father sounds quite interesting. For her mother to bring up the war in Britain when they're all the way in Hawaii means something. It leads me to believe Joseph was involved with the war (not saying he was bad or anything, just that maybe he was affected).
Pretty good story you got here. Not much to critique honestly.
-Reyes91Author's Response: Hmm, well, Kalama's father, Joseph, doesn't get a lot of character development, seeing as he's dead. But I'm glad you like how it's going so far. Report Review
Okay, so I'm happy my review on your other story helped you out. I'm sorry to say this won't be of much help for two reasons:
1. My migraine is preventing me from full-on critiquing right now.
2. This story is just generally pretty awesome.
For a one-shot, you managed to capture this stranger's entire life. You didn't hammer on the detail, didn't force in the drama. You created a wonderful, general life story. I usually ache for stories to have some kind of action and drama added in, but this didn't need it. You showed just how much she felt for Fred without going all overly dramatic like a lot of stories do. You explained his death easily as well. It wasn't something dark or menacing. It was natural; a refreshing take on things like this.
Also, one of the things that I greatly enjoyed with this story was how you started off every section (sans the very last, but that was wonderful on its own) with "I first felt...," "I first had...," etc. The repetition was perfect with this piece and connected the sections great.
A very different story (one-shot at that), but it's a great kind of different. I really liked this.
P.S. I read through one more time to try and critique something since that's what you asked for. Okay, the only thing I can honestly comment on is to perhaps add a bit more. I mean, it's already quite long for a one-shot, and I don't want you to write something too long that it would overbear the story. However, I can see that the pattern you went for at the beginning of the sections can open a door for another section or two after Fred and her marry. For example, some place after the baby, and before the death would be a good spot. Maybe talk about another "first" of hers like a first son-in-law/grandchild, something like that. -shrug- I dunno, just thought I'd try to add in some suggestions since I don't know what else to say ;)Author's Response: Hi ;)
Awh, no matter about not helping too much, this lovely review has cheered me up, and actually, you did have the good suggestion at the end ^_^
Awh, thank you so much for the positive feedback! I'm glad you like the repetition as well ^_^
One other person has also commented on adding another section in the later half, and I have to say I agree.. I guess this piece was in a bit of a rush to get validated in time for a challenge, and I was kinda running out of ideas. Another 'first' is a good idea, but I thought grandchild would be just kinda boring? :/ I don't know, since I already did her first child. Maybe though, it has potential, and it might just depend on the way I write it.
Oh, and I do hope you get well soon! Hope your migraine goes away :)
- charlotte! Report Review
Hey, here for your very late review (no excuses for being late; I just didn't go on and check my topic),
So, I like how Caddock's reaction to the news about Beckett showed just how close they were, even for partners. However, he certainly did a lot of bashing on the American government, didn't he? But, grief does a lot to a person.
Well done; his reactions were spot-on to the situation at hand. Character development is growing even more.Author's Response: Yeah, I'm hoping to do a lot of developing the idea of early wizarding America, so hopefully I'll have a chance to do that with the story as I try to force it out of my mind. Report Review
Now, this is definitely the start to what I believe is an incredible story. Reading plots about if Voldemort actually won is very interesting. This is much different to what I have read, and a great difference at that.
I've never seen "V," but always wanted to (I'm absolutely in love with Natalie Portman right now), and reading this just makes me want to see even more. V seems very interesting so far.
Now, for Hermione, it's perfect. She reads like the character we saw in the books but more mature yet...possibly scarred by everything that's happened. It's refreshing to see that she leaned first on Seamus and then went to Neville instead of Harry and Ron. Usually, it's the Trio 'till the end. I like the flip on this.
Another main reason why I enjoyed this chapter so much is that you didn't force in the information. You mention that Hogwarts fell, but you don't describe how it happened. You mention Neville being deformed by Bellatrix, but don't explain each and every detail of the fight. You mention Hermione losing Ron and Harry, but you don't go any further. I honestly think it's perfect. Adding too much info in the introduction can make it very boring and tough to go through. You added just enough to snatch on to my interest. Now, I need to read on to find out exactly what happened to turn Britain into the mess that Hermione (excuse me, "Mary") lives in.
Wonderful start. Definitely going on with this.
-Reyes91Author's Response: Hello Reyes91! Wow, such a big review!
It's so good to hear you enjoy my take on Voldemort winning. If you haven't seen V for Vendetta, you should, it's a great movie! Don't fret about not seeing it yet though, the story explains enough that's needed!
As to Hermione, it's good to hear that her character comes off as believable. And yes, a move away from the trio, as it's been done pretty well to death.
The information has its time to come out, and I didn't want to force it. It's good to hear I give just enough to make you come back!
Thanks again for the wonderful comment, and I look forward to hearing more from you! Report Review
I really liked this chapter. The added bonus of the Dementors at the end was perfect; I figured they would mess Brienne up and bring back that particular memory.
Anywho, the writing is still great and growing better and better, as is the flow and action. More things happened in this, and it definitely worked out for the better. Only little thing I have to point out is that after getting a bit more into the story, some of the paragraphs began to lump together. For instance, it starts after the fifth paragraph where they're discussing their homework for Snape's class. It looks more like a formatting issue than anything, so not hard to fix at all.
Excellent work, I really liked this one,
-Reyes91Author's Response: :D Thanks very much for all of your reviews! I'll try to sort out the formatting. Report Review
Hey, here again,
So, you sure are taking no time in getting rid of these men, are you? Well, I like it. I like it a lot. I had a feeling it would be Benjamin who would be next; he was far too easy for her to get.
The Deer Woman..., is that a real thing (legend) or something? It sounds like it. If so, I'll definitely have to give it a look. This woman is interesting and very good at what she does, I'll give her that. She's taking these guys down like it's nothing.
All right, I truly don't have anything to actually critique as I was too into the story. Your description of New Orleans is wonderful, and nearly exactly how my brother described it when he took a trip there. It's definitely a place I've always wanted to go to; if not just to eat the food there.
So, all in all, lovely chapter. The characters were more than interesting, the description great, and the flow done well. The story is moving right along, and I love it.
P.S. You asked in my last review about me feeling bad for the vampire. Yeah, I truly did. That man was about to get a meal and everything got flipped around on him. I felt bad; he never got his meal.Author's Response: Yes, the Deer Woman is a real legends, and it isn't just limited to one tribe (it stretches from the Mississippi to the Pacific), so it really does make you think. And I suppose it does make it a little hard to feel any sympathy for a Deer Woman when she clearly has no problem killing people. But think of this as karma biting Barnabas where it hurts. Report Review
Hello, here for your requested review,
So, you wanted downright criticism for this piece because you weren't happy with it. Well, it was definitely a challenge for you to write, that much is clear, and usually when people first write something out of their comfort zone, sometimes little things are off.
In your case, there is something odd with the writing. First off, it is quite obvious to me that this is a dream (more so when he says he's living his worst nightmare). Writing a dream can be somewhat difficult, but I can tell that you were capturing a dream-like way of writing. Repeating words definitely made the writing feel like it was truly a dream or nightmare. However, there was still something I couldn't quite put my finger on that felt odd. Maybe the repetition was a bit too much at times. Like, when you're stating what he's doing, it reads just like that: you're stating what he's doing. At times, it seems to stop reading like a story and more like James is just recounting what he went through aloud. Perhaps if you use different words here and there (like the paragraphs describing him running; maybe throw in a few different words in place of the word "run"), it may just enhance it a bit.
Also, maybe even trim down on the use of the word "I" so much. Yeah, it's extremely difficult since this is first person, but it's something I feel the need to point out since I see this in my own writing a lot. It's something I'm trying to work on, and it's tough. Using the word "I" too much can really break a story written in first person. Instead of writing "I run," "I see," "I yell," "I know," maybe combining some of the sentences would make things flow a bit better and use just a touch of more natural description. Again, I only caught that because it's something I'm trying to fix in my own writing. It's tough and annoying, but it's something that can be easily fixed after a few read-throughs. Maybe even read it out loud and you'll catch it.
Now, besides the critique, this is a good story. Especially since it's not something you're comfortable with writing. A bit of it seems forced, but that doesn't make it a bad story. The concept of it is great, and it shows that James is still a kid and has normal fears like everyone else. And yes, as you stated in my review thread, I'm not the biggest fan of James II but I do enjoy reading different stories about him like this. They're more interesting and shows that he's not just some Quidditch star jerk that some people make him out to be, so I really enjoyed this piece. You're not bad writing out of your comfort zone; the more you do it, the more stories like these will easily flow out for you. Great work.
-Reyes91Author's Response: Hey!
I apologise for the late review response, (holiday), but I do want to let you know that I've read it, and that I really appreciate you taking the time to write such an in depth and helpful review.
You definitely point out something there in the writing being 'off' or something, because I completely agree with you. It's still something I'm working on, but I'll look at the repetition and the way I'm writing it. It is tough, but I will definitely look at it, especially at the use of 'I', something I've never noticed before.
Gosh, I really am grateful that you took the time to do this, and thank you so much! I'll follow up on your suggestions and hopefully this piece will improve a bit!
Thanks for reading and reviewing,
Charlotte :) Report Review
Hello, Reyes here for your requested review,
Now, you have certainly pulled me into this story. I love dark stories, and I could tell this is going to be one heck of a dark story.
At first, I was so concerned about this woman who was about the be demolished by this charming vampire (love vampires; one of my favorite creatures), but once she starts to egg him to follow her, I had a feeling something was wrong. There's not too many (sober) woman who would lead a strange man into a dark alley at night. I wanted to scream for the vampire to run away, find a meal somewhere else, but he foolishly followed.
You have me so interested in finding out who this girl is. She destroyed him. I loved every bit of it.
All right, as for some critique, I couldn't really find much by going through it one time. Your description of the area was wonderful in the beginning. And for the characters, there wasn't exactly much said about them since this is a prologue (and I probably won't know anymore about poor Barnabas), but this strange woman is very interesting. She knows how to get and lure in her prey. I thought she was wonderfully written. Excellent work,
-Reyes91Author's Response: You feel bad for the vampire? You weren't the least be concerned that he was most likely going to kill that young woman before we learned she could kill him back? But I'm glad you liked it, and you are going to learn a little more about Barnabas in the next chapter I am working on. Report Review
I loved this chapter. Now, James is probably one character that I could never get behind in this era, and it's only because the other few stories I read with him had him behaving exactly like his dead grandfather (who I really dislike). However, this was different. He was a Quidditch star, but he wasn't arrogant or mean. He was normal. He worked hard and fell in love with one woman instead of having thousands of "dates" and what-not.
Now, the ending was absolutely awesome. At first, I couldn't believe that he had been injured that badly. But then when you have him saying he never regretted his lie. My goodness, I loved it. It showed that he put his family before the fans and Quidditch. It was perfect. Well done.
Now, the only CC I can possibly give you is this sentence:
"He was going to have a son and a daughter and he wanted to the world about it."
I believe you meant to put "he wanted the world to know about it."
Yes, very minor thing I found. Everything else was amazing to me, my friend. I love it. Can't wait to read about Hugo,
-Reyes91Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad that you enjoyed the "not jerk" James. I always wondered why every portrays him as such a womanizer and a mean fellow. :D
*blushes* Thank you.
Ah, to tell the world. Lol All fixed now. Got the edit in. Thanks for pointing it out!!
Thank you again. (I'm on repeat). :D --Jenna Report Review
So, I can't say it enough, but you are definitely getting better and better with every chapter. I'm glad that, even though you're not showing her interact with the main characters (Harry, Ron, etc.), you're still keeping things as they were in the books. I had forgotten for a quick second what time this story was taking place, but as they started up to the tower, I remembered right away about Sirius. Good job on adding that bit in.
I must say that the end bit (a dream, I believe?) was what really got me. I really enjoyed the final line; the description you used was wonderful. Great work,
-Reyes91Author's Response: :D Hi! Thanks very much! Report Review
Hey, Reyes from the forums to review for you,
So, this is just awesome. Seriously, I love it. Usually, using OCs as the main characters in a one-shot is tricky since the reader would want to know more about them. However, you told us enough about this Dahlia girl. She's a pureblood, Slytherin, arrogant, yet not enough to actually be forced into becoming a Death Eater. She seems like the female-version of someone like Blaise Zabini (who I'm just fascinated with). She speaks lowly of wizards who aren't purebloods, but had no want to join the ranks of Voldemort. I love that. It goes to show that even if some people may be prejudice, they all don't want to kill those they are prejudice against.
I loved every bit of this story. Your writing style was really cool. Short, direct sentences here and there. A part of me wants to say that a couple more...colorful, descriptive words would definitely add a little bit more to the story, but another part of me wants you to keep it as it is. Adding too much description can sometimes overpower it all, and I think you're in a safe, good spot with how you wrote it. However, there is one line that stood out for me for some reason:
"...we stop trying as the dementors get to us and plant roots of poison into our minds..."
I don't know, I just love that bit of description. You can show just how the Dementors (I believe their name should be capitalized) are truly effecting them, even to the point that the human guards keep as far away from them as they can.
This was very good, dude, especially the end. People who fight the fact that they're going insane are truly the most insane ones. They're scary.
Lovely ending, and an even more lovely, chilling story. I honestly want to read more, but it's perfect the way it ended. Besides, I don't see how much more you could add to this. It's great, thanks for sending this my way.
-Reyes91Author's Response: Hey Reyes! Thanks for reviewing so quickly!
You definitely got the gist of Dahlia's character. I'm glad she came off the way I needed her to. It occurred to me to go through the Harry Potter Wiki to find a Canon character, but I decided against it. I just made an OC character that had a simple personality, straight-forward and to the point.
I was at the same conflict when writing this. I didn't know whether I should be more poetic or not. However, the way it turned out was as a narrative, and from Dahlia's point of view. So I tried to have her personality come off in the writing. I think more colorful description would sort of ruin the effect I wanted to have.
I'm glad something is sticking to you. That description was added later in the piece, when I wanted to add some flair to it. I'm glad that the addition wasn't in vain.
I agree with the point that the Dementors should be capitalized. There are a couple of small spelling errors and typos that I have to fix, so I'll probably change that at that time.
I completely agree. Psychotic people who think they're normal are frightening...
I'm glad you liked it and the way it turned out. I seem to be having good feedback on this story (fingers crossed.)
Thanks again so much for the review!
Liberty Report Review
Hey, here for another review,
Okay so by now, I can tell you're keeping all the chapters this same length, and that is still working well for this story. However, a tad bit more...I don't know, action, would definitely pick up the slow pace a bit. Maybe add in a few other scenes here and there without making the chapter overly long since you've got a good trend going on with shorter, to the point, chapters.
I love how you wrote Snape. He's still the same old, mean Professor. He didn't give a single word of encouragement, even if Brienne was close to brewing the right thing. Fred and George's attitudes toward him were perfect as well.
So, not really much to critique. It was a good chapter to move things along. Only small, tiny details I can pick out are here:
'Snape's voice dripped with a tired distain...' did you mean "disdain?"
'He's just got a grudge because i've been getting better...' forgot to make the "I" capital.
Yep, just small things I found while reading; nothing major. Nice work with this.
-Reyes91Author's Response: :D Great, thanks so much! I didn't notice those typo's, thanks again! Report Review
Hello, I'm here from the forums for your requested review,
So, you just wanted me to tell you what I think of the chapter. Well, I think it's pretty good. It's short, but that's perfectly normal for an introduction chapter. I'm curious about your OC, and how she knows Rose (Weasley, right?). Her dad seems like quite the jerk, so she must have an interesting life at home.
I do want to know, though, how is she doing magic? Is her father magical. I know how you pointed out that he mentioned Azkaban when talking about burning books and all, but I still just need to be sure (especially since you say that he's an accountant and you usually don't find those in the wizarding world). If he isn't magical, it'd be tough for her to be using magic like that if she's underage (another point I didn't get in the HP movies when Harry was using the light to read his book when he was just going to be a third year).
Anyway, besides my question, you have an interesting story. Something's definitely going to go down once she gets to Hogwarts, and that bit of foreshadowing definitely plays up the interest. Nice work with that.
So, no actual critique to give on this indruction. Oh! Wait, I did find that you forgot to put a word in. During her letter, you have: "I hope this letter gets to before you leave..."
You should have a "you" in between "to" and "before."
Yep, I'm reaching with this critique and I apologize for that. :p I'm tired and my eyes are blurring over from reading this chapter over and over about six times trying to find something to pick on. I failed, badly. I do hope what little I said works for you somehow,
-Reyes91Author's Response: Thank you so much for you time, this was a really helpful review!
ash Report Review
Hello, here from the forums for your review,
So, you were concerned about quite a few things. First off, your characters read very realistically. With Albus' concerns about what House he'd be in fitting perfectly with the small amount of characterization we saw in the last book. Scorpius and Rose were good as well, and definitely acted their ages. Well done on that part.
There are, however, some glaring things that jumped out at me while reading. First thing I must mention is Teddy. I don't know how close you're sticking to canon (especially since no actual canon is written after Albus gets on the train), but Teddy is way older than them. He was born before Voldemort was killed, so he should probably be out of Hogwarts. However, if you're moving more toward AU and changing his age to make him younger, go for it. I just mentioned it because I wasn't sure what direction you were going with his character, and how much of importance he'd serve in the story.
Another thing that jumped out was your sentence structure. There are times when your sentences are repetitive such as this: "He wondered if Rose was going to be put into Ravenclaw, he thought not really knowing the reason why.."
You have "he wondered" and then "he thought" within the same sentence. It's quite repetitive, and you could probably do away with the "he thought" part at the end and just have him wondering what House Rose would be in.
There's also times when your sentences don't come across exactly...easy? For example: “What did I tell you last summer: “Those who are nosey are those, who are Trolls” with every syllable he could muster. “Are you telling me you’re a Troll now, Albus?”
There a bit too many of these (") in that sentence. Perhaps you could use italics instead of (") when Teddy speaks about what he did tell Albus. Just to throw this out there so you get what I'm trying to say (I'm terrible at times trying to explain things): "What did I tell you last summer? (italics)Those who are nosey are those who (no comma) are Trolls (/italics)."
More with that sentence, I didn't understand the part (with every syllable he could muster). Is that suppose to be a cut from the conversation? If so, you could make that a bit more clear and put: "...," he said with every syllable he could muster. "Are you telling me you're a Troll now, Albus?" Or something like that. You just may want to add something to indicate that's a break (if it is meant to be a break in the conversation).
I do hope you understood what I put as I'm really trying to help you and give out as much of a good review as I can.
It would probably do you best if you were to re-read this chapter, or have someone else do it (having another pair of eyes look at your story is always helpful, I do it all the time). You have a very interesting story on your hand, and correcting the small bits of grammar problems will definitely benefit you.
Oh, and before I'm done, I'd just like to point out that you switched up Teddy's name a bit. At one point, you call him Teddy and at another, you call him Ted. Sticking to one name/nickname for a character throughout a story makes it flow better in my opinion.
So, that's that. I hope you don't believe me to be harsh or anything as I was really trying to help. Your story is great, just work out the kinks and you're set!
-Reyes91 Report Review
Hello, Reyes here from the forums,
This was an excellent start. Like you said in your areas of concern, the plot holes are there for a reason and I can totally get that. They work. It is a mystery after all; these kinds of stories shouldn't just up and explain everything detail for detail in the first chapter or it wouldn't be interesting.
This is great, really. Your description is wonderful and the point at which she goes a bit...off is perfect and amusing. Her seriously trying to summon death? Great! It shows what a lack of memory and heat can do to a person.
Really, there isn't much to critique. It's an opening and a good one at that. Good work with this,
-Reyes91Author's Response: Thank you for the review. And thanks for the detail to the summoning death part, I've gotten reviews saying that they didn't understand it... so I was confused. I'd like to think I can go with your critique though... haha. :) Report Review
Hey, I'm finally here with your review,
This was a very good one-shot as it was never really explained in the books exactly how Ginny dealt with her problems since all she was was a minor character (one that I don't care for much). However, her still feeling all of the blame is reasonable and realistic. She was so young and nearly killed people; anyone would feel large amounts of blame even if it's not entirely their fault.
A tiny thing I have to pick on is that, despite all of the information given, I still wasn't able to get much of Ginny's...deeper emotion? I don't know if I'm explaining myself that great, but I think adding in some scenes with her maybe running into the people she harmed in the beginning instead of just explaining it all in bulk paragraphs would flow much better since it is such a heavy topic. For example, perhaps she could bump into Hermione and have a flash of what she did to her come to mind? Since she knows Hermione is such a close friend, that could push her further off the edge and show just how messed up she was. Did that come across clear? I apologize if it didn't as I'm better explaining in person than on something like this.
All in all though, it was a well-touched upon subject. I enjoyed how she felt about Tom and how she could still hear and feel him despite him not really being there. That part was wonderful.
-Reyes91Author's Response: Thank you for this great review. I'm glad you enjoyed this piece although it is a heavy one.
It was really hard to get inside Ginny's deep emotion all the while staying within the TOS; I had to take out lots of small but deeper moments after the story was rejected.
I have to say that the idea you gave me is really excellent, I hadn't thought of a flashback at all and will definitly explore the possibility and try make this part really connected to Ginny's emotional state. Thank you for the idea (oh and not to worry, your explanantion was very clear!)!!
So really, thanks for such a great and helpfull review, I really appreciate it! Report Review
Now, this is getting better and better. I liked how you handled the tarot cards; I always found those pretty interesting.
This Paisley character seems interesting, and it's obvious you put a lot of thought into her. Well done with that.
I honestly only have one little thing to critique, and it really isn't bad; just something that jumped out at me. When you first introduced Paisley, you state:
-"Um, hullo?" said a tentative voice- she had a Scottish accent. (stating that she had a Scottish accent seems a bit odd, but it could just be me. I do believe, though, that maybe saying something along the lines of "so and so said in a Scottish accent" would read a little bit less odd)
and then this
-Brienne looked back at the girl as the Scottish girl set her own bag down and took the place next to her. There was some short silence before Brienne spoke... (The sentence reads odd. You say "girl" twice when you could probably get away with saying "Brienne looked back at the girl as she sat down" or something like that. Also, you re-state that the girl is Scottish and I just don't see the point of repeating something like that since you already said she was Scottish.)
Just a little picking from me since there's honestly really nothing wrong with this chapter. I debated whether or not to even add the above little critique in, lol.
So, you're story is progressing very well still and the characters are coming along nicely. Well done,
-Reyes91Author's Response: :D Thanks very much! Thanks for the critique- I'm always looking for ways to improve! Thanks again. Report Review
So, I searched for the challenge you're doing this for and it seems very interesting. Certainly a challenge, but a cool one.
Anyway, onto your chapter. I hate this Joshua guy. I understand how he didn't want to be tied down and obviously the pregnancy was unexpected (trust me, I definitely know that feeling), but that doesn't mean he can just run off and only leave her a note. What kind of man is that? That's horrible.
Roxanne covered it up good so her son wouldn't get worried when he found her crying on the bed. I love also how you mention her brother staying there to take care of them two. Good brother.
So, to sum it up, your areas of concern (character and flow) were awesome. Your characters were real (even Joshua), and the flow was perfect for a short story.
Great work, dude. I can tell that your remainder chapters for this story will be just as good. Definitely favoriting so I can keep a look on them.
-Reyes91Author's Response: I was kinda lucky for it. I had be wanting to do a story like this for a while (the collection) and the challenge just gave me the push I needed.
Unfortunately, that is sometimes a realistic one. :( Not every guy actually cares. It is horrible. And I've seen your profile thingy on TDA and stuff (sooo not a stalker) so I get how you can hate him even more. Gah, I hated writing him.
Yeah, I love Fred. He gets to show more good guyness in his own tale. :D It's hard when a kid catches you cry. I have one too, so it was easier to write, I guess.
Thank you so much for that (the kind words and the favorite). --Jenna Report Review
Hey, back, yet again ;)
So, not too much happens in this chapter but it's good nonetheless. I like how Brienne and Angelina seem just as playful as the twins. But I take it that Brienne may be thinking more about how George feels about her since the girls brought it up. It is quite obvious.
So, well done. The story and the plot is moving right along nicely. Nothing here that I can actually fully critique.
-Reyes91Author's Response: :D Thanks very much! Report Review
All right, back for more,
You're keeping your chapters short, which isn't bad, but maybe you should show more of how close Brienne is getting with the twins instead of just saying that she became fast friends with them. I mean, I understand she's known them for a week, but she spilled all the details about her parents and their divorce pretty easily after she got that letter. It's only more nitpicking on my end, but maybe she should have been more hesitant to fully talk about everything with the twins. She can trust them, yes, but again it's only been a week.
Another little thing to point out is how you introduce the owl. Maybe if you would put in instead of how her father's owl, Stormy, flew in instead of putting "the owl" in parentheses, it wouldn't disrupt the flow as much.
So, despite my tiny nitpicking, this was just as good as your other chapters. We got to know a little bit more about what was going on.
-Reyes91Author's Response: :D Thanks very much for your comments, Reyes! Report Review
Hello, my friend,
So, last chapter so far. Well, as soon as I read the title, I knew what was going to happen and it's awesome. Still, I love Kai. He's just...cool. And going as Alice is something I saw coming. Though it is scary that he managed to look just as pretty. How Xander didn't see it then that he was gay shows how strong her crush was on him. But I really want to know who else does Kai like (though I'm pretty sure I already know who it is). Geez, girl, your writing your secondary characters so good that I want to read stories based off of them.
Now, that fight at the end was quite intense. For Rose to lift Malfoy up like that. Well, guess the adrenalin was really pumping in that moment. Her muscles are going to pay for that the next day. I am, though, glad Neville stepped in and handled it. Taking points from both shows he's a decent Professor, but Teddy was funny as well. I'm wondering how far he's actually going to take that little homework assignment he gave her.
Now, critique-wise, still the usual. Small grammar junk (I hate grammar) and scene flow is still a bit off. Again, going over the chapters before you post a new one will definitely help. Actually, you may just want to get a Beta in the forums. I'm thinking about getting one for one of my stories. It saves you a heck of a lot of time and saves your eyes from straining. I get lazy and hate going back to re-read everything. Having someone else do it for you for free? Now that's awesome.
Nice work with this story, dude. Feel free to let me know when you update again,
-Reyes91Author's Response: Hiyah, dude :)
First of all, I'm really glad you like Kai's character (and that you think that I have strong secondary characters)!! I usually laugh my head off when I write him, he's just so amusing and innocent XD
That fight WAS intense! It was meant to be! In some ways, that scene was the ending of the first arc in this story, what I like to call the 'Back to School' arc. The next one's going to be the 'Christmas' arc. :) I've always envisioned Neville as a fair, no-nonsense type of professor, while Teddy's DEFINITELY more laid-back. And as for how far Teddy's going to take the homework assignment...well, what do you think?
Ahhh, grammar, grammar, grammar. Got it. And scene flow. These two keep cropping up a lot, no? I haven't really thought about getting a Beta (actually, I'm trying to have a friend of mine do it, but that's a pathetic sham lol), but I'll see I can do.
Again, I can't express how much these reviews have helped me with my chapters! You can count on a rerequest sometime soon, dude! ;-)
Hey, here for your review,
So, this looks interesting. However, your OC seems to have a bit of an attitude problem. Of course, that isn't always a bad thing. I've written characters (fanfiction and personal stories) where they don't have the best, likable traits. As long as the character is written well, I have no problem with characters like that. Though I just wanted to point out that she did seem a bit stuck-up in this chapter. Don't know if that was intentional or not.
Also, can't say too much on the plot alone since this is only a prologue, but it does look interesting. She's going to a school where she doesn't want to be. She was the top at her school, so how is she going to go up against Hermione since, I believe, they're going to be in the same year? Her sort of "full of it" attitude is definitely going to clash with someone like Hermione. I can see your OC going in Slytherin so far. And you have this listed as a Draco/OC, so I believe she will be in Slytherin. She seems like she can fit with Draco.
One thing I thought to point out is in the end where she speaks about what she'll do once she leaves school. You have "Aura" when I believe you meant to put "Auror." Just a little error I found is all ;)
Good work with this, it's a nice start,
-Reyes91Author's Response: Aw, thank you so much for the great review! I wanted Cora to come off as stuck up at first but that might change as the story goes on, so keep on reading!
And thanks, I didnt know how to spell Auror. :P (: Report Review
Hey, back for more (honestly, I meant to come back to this story a while ago; glad you re-requested).
I looked at your areas of concern but I truly couldn't find anything about the plot or the characters to critique. You've obviously worked hard on this story, especially with it being historical. As I believe I said in my last review, the way your characters speak is brilliant and fitting for the time. Also, I wasn't even surprised when her father came announcing that he had chosen to marry another woman that Constance hadn't even met. That's what they did back in those times (it makes me be very thankful that I wasn't born then).
I, of course, can not wait to see how many more little "accidents" Constance will go through with her magic. Her father was definitely too concerned with her health and getting a wife to notice the way the inkwell fell off the desk. If she can't control her emotions and her magic, someone else is going to see what's going on. I would love for it to be that Hannah girl. She seems pretty cool despite being a servant. I like her.
Awesome, awesome job with this. I really love this story,
-Reyes91Author's Response: Hello Reyes91!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this chapter and share your thoughts with me. Your feedback really means so much to me and it always helps tremendously to know what readers think. This story itself was rather a shot in the dark--I started it as a free write--so I'm still rather unsure about it. :)
I'm so glad the characters came across as true to their time without being completely archaic. As you mentioned, I do think Hannah is a bit more likeable than dreary Constance and her strict father. ;)
As for Reverend Palmer recognizing his daughter's accidents, I have to say, he really isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, even though I'm sure he thinks highly of himself, haha. ;)
Again, thanks so much for the great review! I really do cherish your feedback. I hope you have a lovely weekend. ^_^ Take care and be well!
celticbard Report Review
Hey, I'm back,
So, there are still some problems with the flow from scene to scene, but adding in a page break will definitely solve those problems. Of course, a part of me still cringed a bit at the caps lock usuage, but another part of me is actually growing use to it. :p
I can tell that the other ships in this story will probably be Zelda and Jag, it's too obvious. They don't even really fight; it's more like an old couple. But I will say that I feel bad for Liam. It's obvious he likes Rose, but he isn't stupid. He can tell she feels something for Malfoy (even if she can't yet), and that end, though it wasn't Rose's fault, just put the nail in the coffin. I don't think Rose helped out with those thoughts of his much by constantly staring over at Malfoy and that girl during breakfast. I think that's the part of Rose that I don't like. She can be a bit more childish and immature at times, a tad bit more than her friends, even if she's only sixteen. Yelling at that Caprice girl in such a public place while on a date wasn't...good. Didn't help with Liam at all.
But after reading the last chapter, my interest is now permanetly on Kai (and him eventually coming out). I've seen things like that happen before. A girl at my old high school was completely crushing on a cousin of mine, who is gay but isn't as...loud as Kai. No one knew except the family. She was completely crushed. I truly think that Rose and Zelda should tell Xander before he turns her down. She'll be hurt either way, but at least she'll know why beforehand.
-Reyes91Author's Response: Hello again :)
Before I say anything else, you have to know that I hate this chapter of mine. It has plenty of issues (flow, being one of them, like you said), and I'm totally going to rewrite the whole thing one day.
Liam...well, he was designed to be the wrench in the works. I know Rose wasn't that sensitive with what she did during breakfast, but...meh...she's a REALLY immature 16 year old.
Your interest is on Kai, you say? Oh, Xander'll be broken-hearted like that girl your cousin knew, but she'll move on. Hopefully. Sometimes, I don't even know what my own characters will do.
Thanks again for the lovely feedback :) Report Review
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