:D HELLO! It's ClearPlastic from TDA!
Gahh! I love Rose/Scorp. It's my absolute fave pairing! :D I love how you wrote this - the little introduction of Rose in the beginning with the library was awesome. Really builds up character. And, well, what girl isn't a sucker for romance? :) The only complaint I have is that it's far too short D: Make the next one longer! I have a feeling this is going to be an awesome ScoRose fic. Update soon!!!Author's Response: Omg thanks so much!
I am still working out the kinks, and I'm trying to see how I can approach the next parts of the story, this first chapter was kind of a test to see what works Report Review
I spotted a few mistakes:
Maurice walking beside me with carrying all my stuff. (It should be something along the lines of "Maurice was walking beside me, carrying all my stuff".)
“Woah, Languish Lady” The dark haired one said. (It should be "language", not "languish". Also, the L in lady shouldn't be capitalized.)
They were both in the same length... (Did you mean height?)
We arrived at Hogwarts, the carriage that brought us there were driven by a thestral. (Agh! "the carriage that brought us there were driven/pulled along by Thestrals).
I preferred the silent instead of Ian’s talking, (I preferred the silence instead of Ian's talking).
Bleargh - you know what? I'm just going to skip doing mistakes *is lazy*. Anyway, I like how different you made Rose in this fic. Rose is one of my fave next-gen characters but it's always nice to read about her in a different portrayal. Though I think you could've used more description. Like what Ashley thought of Hogwarts, for example. Haha, I got a little confused when you introduced all those new characters. Those three girls and two boys, I mean. I've already forgotten their names.
Anyway, I'm all set for a good catfight between Rose and Ashley (assuming that's Rose who caught her at the end of the chapt, of course). Your writing could use tweaking but all in all I think you've got a pretty good story here. Oh, and that was kind of an awkward place to end. You know, what with the "came the annoying voice of..." Maybe you could've just left that out. Report Review
Hello. Remember me?
When I saw you updated I went ZOMG NO WAY SHE UPDATED !$%^@*%&^@!
And I nearly broke my mouse in the process of clicking on your link. Seriously though, I really was happy you updated. I was beginning to think you'd given up on this! D:
This chapt was all sorts of awesome! I can tell Lola's going to be one of my new fave OC characters. She's so satirical and fantastically funny. I esp love the Head Girl Voice (trademark). I love that thing about the freckles. And I adore how Lola is so uncomfortable with emotions and feelings. And WHAT? Lola wakes up at four thirty? My head is spinning just thinking about it. At four-thirty I'm practically dead to the world.
And I think Adam is really sweet. He'll make a good platonic guy-friend. Love how everyone thinks they're in love. Briar also seems real nice.
I've come to the best part - JAMES! *squeal* I love the fact he brought food for Lola. How did he know she was going to be hongary? Is he seriously a Legilimens? Whoa. The way you write him is seriously amazing. My face was about two inches away from the computer screen when I read the James/Lola interaction. THAT'S how wonderfully intriguing you made it. :) And don't worry about not finishing the tutoring session. It just means there'll be MOAR next chapt!
(Well, let’s be honest – that was so easy a baby could do it)
“Darghsparghsmanrd,” I cursed in Gobbledygook.
I mean, even my mum just thinks I’m refusing to tell her that I’m engaging in shameless, filthy fornication with Adam (blech)
Short of moving to another country, I CANNOT ESCAPE.
I sniffed. Huh. True story.
The whole verbal exchange between James and Lola about Lola thinking James might've poisoned the food.
Yay! Whoa, this is a seriously long review. Anyway, lovely writing, hilarious narrative, fantastic premise for story (even though it /is/ a overused cliche) . Be sure to update soon! Make sure you don't ever take that long again! D: Please! Please? You get 10 out of ten!
-burntcheese-Author's Response: HOW COULD I FORGET YOU? My honored reader, your reviews leave me smiling for DAYS. And, since it's a year later as I'm responding to this, apparently years, too. XD You have no idea how much I love your reviews. *squishes*
And I promise, no matter what you believe, I'll never give up on this story. It may take me an entire year to update (.. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.. ;___;), but I'll always come back to it in the end.
Anyway, I'm so glad you like Lola so much! I spent a lot of time developing her, and I'm really happy with how she turned out, so I'm thrilled other people seem to like her as well. I firmly believe that if you can't like or respect the main characters, the story will suck, even if the writing or plot is brilliant (there are a few notable exceptions to this rule, but for the most part it stays true XD).
And I love Adam. Briar, too. She might actually be my favorite character, even though she's not as complex as some of my other ones. She's fun. :3
More importantly... I AM SO GLAD YOU LIKE JAMES. And while he's not a legilimens, he IS extremely observant. Especially about things pertaining to Lola. He knows her better than she knows herself, honestly. (But that's a secret I probably shouldn't be admitting. Even though it's obvious. XD) But yeah, I'm so, so glad you liked them together.
And... err... I took a million times longer to update this time around (I haven't yet, but I'm working on chapter three, so..). I am horrible and you must hate me. .__.
Still, I'm extremely happy that you like my story so much. I hope you'll manage to see that I've updated, whenever I get around to that. XD Thank you so, so much for your review. Again, they make me happier than devouring an entire gallon of Ben and Jerry's. :3 Report Review
I don't think Rose is dead, not really... RIGHT? RIGHT?? Sorry, it's just that Rose is my absolute favorite Next-Gen character. Hence I don't really like the way you're painting her as this irresponsible mother, but that's just me. I thought the scene with Carina and drawing families was really significant and sad. D:
Maybe Mummy stumbled home drunk, passed out cold on the floor whilst scraping her forehead on the edge of some piece of furniture and the process and sprawled on the floor? Maybe that's why the girls called... yeah...
Just don't kill off Rose! D:
Haha, don't listen to me. It's your story, after all. Do what you gotta do. I'll be waiting for the next chapt! Will be ready to read/review!Author's Response: Well, you'll just have to read the next chapter and see? Haha. What we have to realize is that Rose is going through post pregnancy depression. A very long one, but yeah. She's only being irresponsible because she can't handle everything that comes with being a mother. Sixteen and pregnant? She was just a kid herself, ya know? It's no wonder she's having a mental breakdown. There's other important factors, but I can't say what or risk ruining some subplots.
I don't dislike Rose. She's one of my favorites, behind certain characters of course. So I see her eventually redeeming herself. I am not going to keep her that way; it would make her a one dimensional character, and those aren't fun.
Next chapter is already in the queue, so you'll have your answers soon. Granted I haven't like, revealed everything x.o.
Thanks for reviewing!
~L. Kelley Report Review
:D Hello! I haven't read Along Came Lucy yet but on a whim I decided to read this. And it's really good! I reckon if it were Rose/Scorp instead of Scorp/Lucy there would be plenty of people reading this. Since, you know, Rose/Scorp is a more popular ship. Though I must say I'm beginning to consider Scorp/Lucy after I read this! I don't like how you portrayed Rose in this, though D: She seems like such a scarlet woman! I hope what she gets up to when she goes out isn't what I think she's doing...
Anyway, I love your writing! :D It's really smooth and flow-y. Real nice to read. Love your characterization of Scorp! He's such a good guy... I'd like to read more about his relationship with his daughters, though. And I can't imagine how Scorp/Lucy are going to get together in the end (assuming you're going to make them get together) if Rose and Scorp are married/have children! O.o Short of killing Rose off, of course. But don't do that!
:) Off to next chapter! You get 9/10!Author's Response: Hi there :). Aha. I guess it's not important to read 'Along Came Lucy', but it does fill in some stuff that might be confusing. I mean, I don't go into detail explaining how certain people are together or what happened to cause tension because it's all in the first story, you know? This one can stand alone though, come to think of it.
I actually considered Scorp/Rose in the beginning, but that's just the thing. It's sooo popular, and I wouldn't know how to go about it and make it original at the same time. Ah well. I like Scorp/Lucy better. It'd be nice to convert people though xD.
I figured lots of people wouldn't like my characterization of Rose. In fact, when it gets further into the story, I am anticipating being pelted with something heavy. But hey, there's all kinds of Roses out there, and I dared to be different with her. It's not like she has a set personality, aside from being smart, considering she was only briefly mentioned. So everyone runs with it however they wish. Got to love Next Gen. for it's flexibility! Who knows; I might just end up writing a story with a different Rose someday D:.
Haha. I guess Rose and Scorp aren't married because I want to leave the opening to sneak Lucy in, perhaps? But we'll see. I plan as I go. Not the best way to write, but it's fun for me.
Glad you like it so far :). Hopefully future chapters won't be disappointing :/.
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
~L. Kelley Report Review
Hey again! :D First, good news! I think the twist you put it - the one about Roxy wanting Dom to get with Cal to break his heart like he broke hers - is really good! :D Wasn't anything like I expected at all. Yay!
Bad news - when I read about Calvin and Dom kissing I was all WTF? I'm not exactly an expert on writing but Cal and Dom needed far more developing into their relationship thing before they could actually kiss. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but Cal and Dom first met at that ball/dance thing in the first chapter! It just seems very unrealistic, that Cal could just kiss Dom like that (and that Dom would let him - Roxy is Dom's cousin, after all) after just talking to each other for a few moments. O:
Though I'd understand if you wanted to speed up the story a little bit. But still! D: Anyhow, I wonder how everyone else will react? :) And can't wait to read all about Dom's inner turmoil about having to break Cal's heart eventually upon Roxy's request even though she's secretly in love with him. Post the next one quickly! :D I'll be looking out for chapter five! Will be back to review.Author's Response: Glad, you like the twist. Alright, thanks for the advice and the review! The next one should be up soon. Report Review
Calvin! :D Or Jonas. James? Whichever. Off to next chapt!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
The writing was flawless, save for a few minor mistakes here and there. The general plot/premise of the story was fantastic. I don't really like it, though :/ I mean, it's really good writing but I thought the kissing part was seriously cheesy. Esp this: They kept staring at each other, as if the only way they could transmit their feelings to each other is through their eyes. Made me cringe, actually. And all that about Rose and Scorp being so flawlessly perfect was a little... MarySueGaryStu. You know, what with Rose having this permanent golden tan and soft kissable lips and boys falling over her and this perfect body. Though I can understand Scorp being perfect! :D He's so sacksee...
I liked this line : Scorpius was making her feel like she was the only woman he ever wanted in his life. Yay! Made me squee.
But it got far better later on, though :D Love the Rose/Scorp sexy times! Good job!Author's Response: Haha lol I wanted it to be a bit cheesy. As it was a one-shot at first I wanted to make it as romantic as possible but since it's turning into a novel I might have to turn down the cheesiness :P
Thanks for the review!
x Report Review
Ooh. Creepy! Love how you ended the chapter (again!) :D Hope you update very soon!Author's Response: I will indeed! In the meantime, read my Lyra stories. I think you'll like them!
~K Report Review
I thought this was wonderfully interesting and very different from all the Rose/Scorpius fics here--nice blend of romance and mystery you've got here. :D I loved the ending--kept me on the edge of my seat! Now I'm off to the next chapter.Author's Response: I do hope you enjoy! chapter three us being written as fast as possible! ^_^
~K Report Review
Yay for Artemis :) Same problem for me in this chapt--sometimes Artemis seems American, sometimes she seems British. Not a very big problem so I'm probably just being a pedantic nit-picker. Anyway, update soon! I'll be looking out for chapter three!Author's Response: thanks!
once again, sorry about that :) haha
I thought this was extremely interesting and well-written--might even be one of my new favorite fics! :D Though the whole I'm-a-Seer-and-I-Foresaw-My-Marriage-to-So-and-So plot is a little overused, your take on it is intriguing so I'll probably be sticking around. One little thing that bothered me was the way sometimes Artemis seemed to sound American and sometime she seemed to sound British. Like one moment she was using words like ass (Britons usually use arse) and the next they were talking with words like bloke and fancy. The silent conversation thing sort of reminded me of Delicate! :D In a good way, though.
Another thing was Artemis does sound sort of Mary-Sue. I thought the part where you said she had this extra powerful Shield Charm was a little unnecessary. I mean, you know, she's already a powerful Seer, does she really need extra powers! Plus she's pretty (I'm assuming she is) and she has this unusual name (don't get me wrong--I think the name Artemis is lovely! Did you get it from Percy Jackson? :D) so you might have to be a little more careful--make sure she doesn't get /too/ perfect, you know?
Anyway, this has been a fantastic read, and I'm off to the next chapter! :DAuthor's Response: i think the whole america/british issue is my blatant americanness mixed in with my effort to make this sound british. it probably sounds confused...sorry about that :)
actually, artemis (and i did get it from pj :D) is FAR from perfect. even though she is a powerful, pretty seer, as well as a good quidditch player and all, she has her faults. and her life is NOT perfect. you'll see later onn :))
thanks, i'm so glad you liked this!
btw, i LOVE your storiess :D Report Review
Aw. Extremely cute and well-written, esp the kissing parts! :D Heehee. Loved Scorp in this! You get a 9/10! Report Review
I thought it was very sweet, though the dialogue was a tad cliche. Especially this: "My head knows that we're never meant to be together. But my heart doesn't. I hate that but it's true."
All in all, an extremely well-written one-shot. :DAuthor's Response: Oh I know, isn't it X[ I usually hate all the gooey wording but it just came out on this one. Thanks for the amazing review! (: Report Review
I think this is such an awesome new idea for a fic! It's completely fresh and new--something I appreciate very much. It's interesting to see The Burrow as someplace nightmarish instead of the warm, happy place everyone depicts it as. I wonder what's wrong with The Burrow? I love what you've got going on here--perfect writing, intriguing plot, fantastic characterization... it's wonderful, it really is.
I liked how you ended the chapter with Lorcan falling down three flights of stairs... sort of a dun-dun-dun moment. Effectively hooks in the reader and leaves them wanting more more more! My heart honestly sank when I read it. I was all, "OMG poor Lorcan! What happened?" Now I'm all set for a good, satisfying mystery/horror fic! :D Keep writing and please please please update very soon!
P.S. You get 10 out of 10! Report Review
I thought this was wonderful :D Very short, but it conveyed a lot. Hope the later chapters are much longer! :) I love how dreamy you made it seem to fall for someone. Very nice. Lovely writing. And the ending! O: Update soon, can't wait to see where this is going. I'll be back to review for the second chapter!Author's Response: Oh, I'm sorry, but this is a one-shot. =( Teehee. But thank you very much for such a lovely review. I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! Report Review
This is a joke, right?
Please tell me this is a joke.
If it isn't, then this is crap. Complete and utter crap. I have no idea what's going on in this story. James? Lily? Aren't they dead? Are they guardian angels or something?
And Voldemort is dead! Why is he suddenly resurrected? I'm not saying you can't do that, it's just you should really explain why he came back/how he came back/when he came back. And your dialogue! *shudders* Good God.
You fluctuate between past tense and present tense, your sentences lack description or everything else for that matter and your spelling is completely off. Griffendore? Really??
And Dumbledore! He was killed by Snape in the sixth book, wasn't he? How come he just suddenly pops up, tells Harry he isn't dead, then disappears again? So confusing. It doesn't make sense. Nothing in this story makes sense. If Voldemort had suddenly appeared how come James/Albus/Rose still go off to Hogwarts like nothing happened? Come to think of it, where did Voldemort go after he appeared? It's like he just showed up and vanished. Come to think of it, why didn't Harry do anything to Voldemort?
And there seems to be no discernible plot in this story.
I strongly suggest you get a beta/re-write this story. Don't think of this as a flame (though it's close to being one), think of it as constructive criticism. You want more reads, get a banner at www (dot) the-dark-arts (dot) net. They've got lots of lovely artists there.
0.2/10 Report Review
I'm sorry to say this but this is complete crap. Your capitalization is completely off throughout the entire fic. Example: Rose Just leaned in and kissed him passionately. What's up with the random capitalization of the J in just? Or this: "Show me that you aren't Over me," said Rose. The capital O in over! It's not supposed to be there! There's about one of these mistakes in every sentence so I strongly suggest you re-edit the whole thing.
Your punctuation has somehow disappeared, and you fluctuate between past and present tense. Please stick to one, instead of constantly switching. Your characters need far more development, even though it's only a one-shot.
One part that particularly bothers me is:
They sat there well Rose ate. It was silent.
"I finished our essay." said Scorpius
"You did. Can I see? " said Rose
"Sure." said Scorpius
And then after that it switches to Rose and Scorp's detention. What happened to Rose looking at the essay? It just doesn't make much sense. And the detention! *shudders*. You didn't write /why/ Rose decided to forgive Scorpius. It just seems like they randomly kiss and makeup. And you never properly explained just why the two of them decided to break up. All I got was something Scorp's dad supposedly said.
More description would improve everything greatly. Oh, and another part that kind of bothers me:
Scorpius leaned in and kissed Rose passionately. Then he leaned away.
"Are you over me?" said Scorpius
Rose Just leaned in and kissed him passionately.
I see two "kissed passionately"s. To avoid repetition please try and think of other words for "kissing passionately".
I'm sorry for leaving such a negative review but these things must be said. The plot is good but your writing needs to be improved. And it's JK Rowling, not JK Roweling.Author's Response: Hopefully, I fixed all the problems. I like your review it was constructive, not that negetive. I made me want to fix it. Some times I need to hear were the flaws are. So thank you. Report Review
Wait, is his name Callum or Calvin? You seem to have gotten the two mixed up in the first part of the chapter. Alright, question answering time!
1. Er, I actually prefer Dom's POV. Maybe because reading the same thing again in Calvin/Callum's POV is a little boring. Or maybe because she's a girl and I can relate to her better.
2. I'd like to see more of James/Fred/Albus. They're so awesome! Make them super-funny, please.
3. Erm... right so I think Calvin will be more and more enamored with Dom and Dom will start to like Calvin too. Roxy suspects something but she doesn't delve further as she doesn't believe Dom would steal her boyf. Dom and Calvin grow very close. Then, one day, Calvin breaks up with Roxy. Roxy is devastated and she is hurt. Dom is secretly happy/surprised but she is also angry at Calvin for breaking Roxy's heart. A load of conflicts occur, then Dom and Calvin finally kiss. Maybe Roxy will walk in on them and she is furious at Dom/Calvin. She accuses Dom of moving in on her boyf and she now thinks that Calvin was cheating on Roxy behind her back with Dom when they were still dating. Dom/Calvin attempt to explain but she stomps away. Dom feels extremely guilty and she avoids Calvin for the next few weeks, trying to explain to Roxy. Another load of conflicts occur, but Roxy eventually accepts that Dom and Calvin are truly in love with each other. End of story.
Good God, I have way too much time.
-burntcheese-Author's Response: Calvin, sorry for the confusion!
1. That's good because the rest will probably be in Dom's pov!
2. James and Fred will defintly show up more, I love them too.
3.Haha, good guess! It will happen sort of like that but with a twist!
I'm so glad you reviewed! Report Review
I actually quite liked it, though the huge spaces between your paragraph is rather distracting. Everything is well written, though you need to watch your punctuation in some places.Author's Response: Okayy, thanks. I'll go back and see if I can fix the spaces! Report Review
:D I liked it! Very well written, funny, and it has Scorpius! :DAuthor's Response: Whoo, Scorpius!!! Thanks for the review, I'm glad you liked it. ;)
-Aly- Report Review
Interesting chapter! :D *runs off to next chapt*Author's Response: Thanks for leaving a review! I hope you are enjoying the story! Report Review
I'm really sorry but this must be said - this story is terrible.
Not plot-wise. The plot is fine. Your characterization is fine. Your dialogue is fine. All you need is a spell-check. And you need to watch your punctuation, too. It might not seem like a big deal but it really improves the flow of a story. And avoid using chatspeak like OMFG in fics. A little more description would be good.
And, um, Rose does seem a little bit vapid here. Like, you know, having three wardrobes of clothes and not repeating a single one. And parties and all that. Perhaps you could develop her character a little bit? And is it the summer holidays? Since, you know, Rose is at home. Oh, longer chapters would be good.
Will come back and review for second chapter :D
P.S. I strongly advise you to rewrite/revamp this chapter.Author's Response: Ya definetly I will re-write the chapter
And yes, its the summer vacation going on before her 6th year in Hogwarts starts
And thank you so much for your advice!! Report Review
Nora seems a bit Mary-Sue. What with her abnormally advanced magical powers and the way every guy seems to stare at her. :) At least she's not your main character, though, so that makes it completely fine :D Report Review
Liking it so far. Off to next chapter! Report Review
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