Reading Reviews From Member: Ouroborus
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by OuroborusHelter Skelter: An Invitation for Tea

4th April 2009:
A very enjoyable chapter. Your attention to detail is remarkable, and makes the story much more vivid. I particularly enjoy the winding, convoluted plot, although I suspect it might be a bit too convoluted were we not already aware of the eventual outcome.

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Review #2, by OuroborusHelter Skelter: The Engagement Party

13th February 2009:
Great Chapter! I love the party scene: the pretentiousness of Xavier, the new elite stepping in to fill the void left by the death eaters, and especially the tension between Draco and Astoria. The detail is wonderful, I can picture everything vividly as I read it, and the tone really sets the scene well.

I love Astoria. She is such a capable and strong witch, yet she keeps herself so completely unnoticed. And Theodore, such a great example of the dull, uninterested child that has so often been the sole products of a noble line. The characterisation in general is excellent.

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Review #3, by OuroborusWe Gryffies: Donít Bother Praying To The Quidditch Deity

12th February 2009:
I started reading this because of its apparent popularity, and often popularity indicates quality. Portions of it are quite humorous: take the last section of this chapter in the hospital wing. But then portions don't seem to make much sense, or are just ridiculous. I just couldn't understand the progression of the story or the characterisation, but then I read several of the reviews from the first few chapters and realised that there were apparently many references to several different television shows, none of which I watch regularly. I don't know, perhaps limiting the outside references and increasing the original content would make the story more approachable for a broader audience.

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Review #4, by OuroborusPerfection's Defiance: Care Packages Require Caring

7th February 2009:
This story is very good. I'm not usually very fond of the works that violate cannon, but for some reason, probably because of the interesting character you've created, I find it curiously compelling. I particularly love the synesthetic aspect of her character. As a pseudo-magical talent it makes the character much more interesting, as well as providing a unique aspect to the story, which separates it as a unique creation. I am looking forward to its continued development.

Just as an aside, I would assume from the context that you're using "hueca" as the Spanish adjective like "cabeza hueca" "empty headed" meaning in itself, "empty".

Author's Response: Wow. Just, wow. I have been having trouble with this story. Trouble with getting it on to other sites, trouble with not getting reviews, and trouble going on to write more with all that. But, this review makes me want to write more. Thanks.

Yeah, that's how I was using the word "hueca". I live in Argentina and we use it like air-head. Te felicito for being right

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Review #5, by OuroborusSeventeen Ainít So Sweet (Especially When Youíre A Half-Blood): Secret: Part 1

6th February 2009:
Again, I'm enjoying the story. She has a great Spanish personality, it's so typical, and it adds to the humour in the conversations.

It has been a while since I studied Spanish but I'm pretty sure that "desear hablar con ella" means "to want to talk with her" as desear is not conjugated. Should be deseo. and "por favor" is two words. Why do you use "dios" correctly in "cristo dios", but not in "graicias a Dios" and "Jesucristo" is the common phrase for "Christ Jesus". I'm curious where you get your spanish. I suppose to someone who doesn't speek any Spanish it wouldn't make a difference, but to any reader who speaks some Spanish the mistakes heavily detract from the story.

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Review #6, by OuroborusSeventeen Ainít So Sweet (Especially When Youíre A Half-Blood): Miles Apart

6th February 2009:
Great chapter, Its an interesting premise, although slightly forced. I'm not sure I could see Dumbledore allowing anyone to feed on his students. I'm sure he'd let a half-blood vampire in.

A side note: "dios" not "dois" and "nada" not "natha", further hispanic only refers to people from Latin America, a Spaniard would be offended by that reference.

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Review #7, by OuroborusHelter Skelter: The Price

5th February 2009:
Wow! I was bored, looking for something to waste time, but this was incredibly enjoyable. Definitely the best fan-fiction I've read: the characters are deep and believable, the conflict varied and intricate, and the plot seamless and involving. The emotions are strong and evident, yet subtly portrayed. I eagerly await the next instalment.

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Review #8, by OuroborusA New Generation: A Dream

4th February 2009:
Great chapter, A bit of development which I like. What's with the dream though? If he's been having this dream since he was eight and he's known about his father's condition and his father's friends' abilities, how can it possibly have taken him this long to understand this dream?

Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad that you like the development and where I'm taking the plot. As for the dream, as if yet it's not important. It's basically just showing that his dad is going to always be watching over him. Thanks again for reviewing!

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Review #9, by OuroborusA New Generation: The First Flying Lesson

4th February 2009:
It's okay, nothing special, but not bad either. It is oddly addictive, though.

This is kind of a general review for the first six chapters since I just started reading this. The story could be great with some changes, specifically the grammar and style. Grammatically, you have issues with homonyms (using your instead of you're, etc.), and with general sentence structure, often having detached adjectives and phrases. Your sentences are overly wordy without giving significant detail. I recommend that you spend an afternoon reading Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style". Even though it is a bit old, it addresses all the common stylistic and grammatical issues that you're dealing with.

As far as the plot is concerned, you focus far too much on the letters, every one of which is a rehashing of events you've already depicted. It feels almost like you're trying to make the story longer by adding meaningless filler. I don't think I would try to write so many varying perspectives, that only superficially intertwine, it detracts from the initial development. The major flaw in the plot is the lack of a hook. There is no conflict or mystery yet to make the reader want to continue.

By the way, what happened to Professor Binns? A ghost just doesn't retire or leave, not after however many centuries.

Author's Response: Thanks for the detailed constructive criticism. I really appreciative and I am currently working editing all of the earlier chapters since my writing has definitely improved since I first started this fanfic; it was only my second fanfic. The style and grammar get better the further in the story gets.

Yes, I've noticed that, too, and ceased writing the letters in the later chapters because I just got tired of writing them just to write them.

As for the multiple points of view-- I start to narrow down to a few different characters in the later chapters when the plot starts to thicken and take shape into mystery/action. And then I just felt like having some new professors, that's all. Thanks again for the review!

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