Aaaand, chapter two.
I really think you do a great job with the flow and pace in this chapter. I was totally engrossed while reading it-always a good sign. Your grammar and spelling seem to be flawless in both of these chapters, another factor of why it's so easy and enjoyable to read. I can tell you really put time and effort into it, and it pays off.
Again, you did a good job introducing everybody, and I liked seeing characters we already met interacting and seeing them through different eyes. It added well to their character development. Still, love the little social commentary you have going, it really adds a deeper level to your story. Along with that, I love that you really put people of ALL types in your story, it makes it super believable and relatable.
Really, I think you've got something great going here, and I can't wait to read further chapters and see where the plot goes! Great job!
~AngelaAuthor's Response: Thanks!
Yeah, I felt like I really needed to live up to the title and attack "The Whole Muggle-born Thing" from all odds and ends. There are so many aspects of modern culture, and I felt they all deserved to be addressed. I'm glad you enjoyed this! Report Review
Hey, here with your reviews!
I'll be honest, I was weary when I saw how many characters you were introducing in this chapter, thinking it would be terribly confusing and hectic. However, you pleasantly surprised me, it worked out very well. You managed to put in some really nice beginning characterization into the first chapter, I'm impressed!
You also asked about flow, and I think it worked out very nicely, especially with changing the focus to different characters so much. Your pace was a little quick in a few parts, but you never lost me, so I'm not really concerned with that.
Okay, my favorite part of this chapter-and I'm assuming that much of the story will be like this, is the little social commentary you have going, it's almost satirical. The Muggle world's absurdities from the eyes of witches and wizards is perfect. I'm not usually a big fan of Next-Gen, but that little bit of satirical nature really made me enjoy it.
Great job, onto chapter two!
~AngelaAuthor's Response: Okay, this was the biggest compliment you gave me:
"I'm not usually a big fan of Next-Gen, but that little bit of satirical nature really made me enjoy it. "
If you're reading a story that you normally wouldn't and liked it, then that is so awesome, I'm going to do a happy dance.
I tend to have a deal of trouble with pacing. Like, I want to explain a lot and go into exposition city, and then next paragraph: two sentences.
The satirical nature of it-- glad that got through because I was worried I wasn't supplying enough, what with all the exposition. I kind of wanted to do a study of how both sides see each other. Like, Rowling put that in, but aside from the first book perhaps, there wasn't a WHOLE TON OF IT. That, and the books are set in the nineties, before everyone had a cell phone and twitter and facebook and wifi. Like this story is mostly about people, but a big part of that, I think, is how people see each other. I was always struck by how little emphasis was put on things like popular music or magazines in the wizarding world (until the later books). And I figure by 2018, muggles will be spouting enough pop culture references to make the writers of Glee blush. The thing I'm trying to get across is that these days, and probably more so in the future, we rely on technology the way the people of the wizarding world rely on magic. Thanks for your review! Report Review
Alright, so chapter two was drama! The only thing that confused me was that in last chapter, your MC says that she's mad at Lysander for breaking off their friendship, but in this chapter she says that she can't be friends with him...just a little confusing, but maybe you explain that away in later chapters.
Another thing you may want to watch out for is your MC's Mary-Sue-ish traits: she's the prettiest girl in school, all she wants is world peace, etc. Now, you've started to show some of her flaws in this chapter, with her temper and whatnot, but it would be good to show more flaws in the future, to sort of take her off that pedestal and make her a more relate-able character.
Overall, though, I think you have a really good start on a intriguing story. As always, the grammar and spelling is impeccable. Just watch out for those cliches and the lurking Mary-Sue and this story will really be taken to the next level.
~AngelaAuthor's Response: I think this may be explained a little better in future chapters, but the reason Sandreiah said that in the beginning is because she honestly feels like he "cut off their friendship" when he went and chose to spend his time with someone else and not her... Sorry for the confusion there hun, I will go back now and double-check to make sure make sure that that is cleared up in the actual story too, haha!! ^_^'
She's not really the prettiest girl in school, I don't think, she just thinks that she is one of the, lol! Sandra is a little bit on the conceited side, and so that is what I was trying to show by having her say that bit, lol... And believe me, there will be more flaws reviled as each chapter goes on, cuz Sandra is in no way perfect at all!! :p
Thank you so much for the fabulous review hun!! If you do not mind it, I will definitely come back and re-request for the next 2 chapters as soon as you have a spot open again, haha!! =)
~Deana~ Report Review
Hey! Just dropping by with your reviews!
First off, props to your beta, because the grammar/spelling are FLAWLESS. And props to you, too, for getting one because a story is so much more fun to read when it's not filled with distracting errors.
So, you were concerned about being cliched. Honestly, I see this plot and extremely easy to fall into a lot of cliches. However, it's only the first chapter, so I'm not going to jump on it and call it that, because there are a lot of opportunities for you to not fall into the cliche traps. It's a thing of being aware: what have you read already in at least three stories? What's the predictable thing to happen next? Answer those questions to yourself, then don't do them. And viola! Your plot won't be cliched.
Now, you've got a pretty good writing style. It's easy to read, and it's got a really nice flow. That really made reading this enjoyable. Your pace is also great. You know how to write, that's clear. Just keep it up and try your best to steer clear of the outdated cliches, and you'll have a wonderful story on your hands! Good job!
~AngelaAuthor's Response: Hehee, I will certainly let Jayde know that you said that about her! She really is a fabulous beta, and I am so blessed to have her, lol!! ^_~
Well I certainly do hope that my story will become more & more unpredictable as it goes on... It's not very long tho, so I may be able to avoid falling into that cliche category too much, haha!! Thank you so much for your explanation on that hun, I found it to be very helpful!! :)
Thank you so much for the review Angela, it was great! I really appreciate what you said about the pace, flow and my writing style. You are too nice, haha!! Thanks for the great review!!! =) Report Review
Hey, just here with your review!
Yay for founders stories! There really aren't enough of them out there. :) Let me just say, first off, that in terms of authenticity, I think you've done great. The bloody wars, the glorification of war heroes, the emphasis on religion, it was all there and I think you've put them into this story very believably. On the same note I really like how you've used your vocabulary. It's believable for the times, yet understandable.
Your great vocab also goes a long way for your flow, which I thought was great. Personally, I thought it moved at a very comfortable pace and everything moved together nicely. Going along with that, I think you've hit a great style for this piece, very easy to read and to get caught up in, it's great.
I think we've got a good first look at Godric, but in future chapters, I would love to see more inside him; why he does what he does, what he's thinking about them, so that I, as well as your other readers, can feel even more connected to him and he gets that deeper level to him. That being said, I totally understand that this is a sort of introductory chapter and there isn't going to be mounds of character development right off the bat.
Honestly, I don't have a lot of CC to offer, your grammar and spelling were flawless and you've really got the beginnings of a great story here. Again, I absolutely LOVED the authenticity of the piece, I think you've really done a great job so far in portraying the time period. Awesome job, and I can't wait to read further chapters!
~AngelaAuthor's Response: Hi Angela,
Wow, thank you so much for your lovely review. I'm so glad you thought the flow and authenticity was good as that is something I fret about a lot.
I know, description is a bit of a weak point for me and I realise now that you mention it that I didn't get into Godric's mind pretty much at all, so I will keep that in mind for my next chapter.
Thank you so much. I love Founders stories too but it is quite a tricky one to do well I think which is why people shy away from it, so I'm thrilled you thought it was a good introductory chapter.
Your review has made my day, truly.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story. :)
- Lily Windsor Report Review
Hey! Me again here with your second review!
I just wanted to start by saying the pace of this chapter was a little better, although it could still use some slowing down. Also, It was nice that you spent just a little more time with your characters. Another piece of advice I have that will really propel this story to be even better is to really focus on your main characters. Tell the readers about them more, and let us really connect with them and sympathize with them.
However, I do like how you've begun to develop Neville, who seems to be the main focus of your story. I think you've done well keeping him as a resolute, if not a bit bumbling, character. It would take it even one step further to see even more about his personality, to really help your readers connect with him.
One other constructive note I have for you is to do more showing and less telling. Like, instead of just saying something happened, show it happening. It's another one of those little things that goes a long way.
Don't take my constructive criticism the wrong way, though, I'm not trying to be mean or anything. I think you definitely have writing talent, and the beginnings of a really interesting, comical story here. I'm just giving suggestions to make it even better. So great job, and keep writing. :)
7/10Author's Response: Thanks again. I think I actually develop him some more in the later chapters. But you make some good points. I think I'll PM you about somethings here. Thanks! Report Review
Hey, just here with your reviews!
Well, to start off, I think you've come up with a really interesting-and potentially hilarious-plot line here. It's goofy, comical, and fun. In short, it entertained me, and that's what it was supposed to do, so good job there.
That being said, you could work a little more on the pace and flow of it. I think you could probably move it a little slower in the future. Maybe move the plot along the same amount, but take a little more time explaining the scenes. As you're writing this, you're picturing it in your head right? Take some time and show us, the readers, that image you have. Just slowing down a little bit will really take your story to the next level; it'll be easier to keep up with and your readers will really have some time to connect with your characters.
I'm not saying this chapter was bad by any stretch of the word, I just wanted to offer a little constructive criticism that, if applied, will go a long way for the story. And, when you get that slower pace down, the story will flow much more evenly.
Overall, though, I think you have a really fun story here, I can see the opportunities for hilarity popping up everywhere. Just slow down a little bit and really enjoy what you're writing, and the readers will enjoy it that much more as well.
Good job, on to chapter 2!
7/10Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I will try to slow the story's pace down. I really appreciate your advice, because it helps a new writer like me. Report Review
Hi there, just here with your review!
First off, I want to take a chance to say that I LOVE that you wrote about Percy. He's kind of a forgotten character who hardly ever gets written about! So it's always refreshing to read a story about him.
Which brings me to your question of Percy's characterization. Personally, I think you hit him spot on. His methodic way of doing things was there, and you really took it one step deeper and showed a different side to the feud he had with his family. One of my favorite parts of this, in terms of character development was where Percy talks himself out of going to the wedding. It fit him very well and really added something extra.
Your flow, also was really good, in my opinion. I didn't get lost or bored while reading, so it was a perfect pace for me.
That being said, I did catch a few grammar/spelling things you may want to take a look at. In the second paragraph, you might want to add commas between flat and which, and goldfish and thinking. Also, in the third paragraph, second to last sentence, it should be "ought to be" instead of "out to be." Then one other thing, where Percy says "Muffilato," I think "Silencio" would be a better choice, as Muffilato makes it so that others can't hear you, but Silencio would silence the noises. But those were the only issues I could find, and they're pretty nitpick-y, so you've done good.
I wanted to say, also, that I absolutely ADORED your ending paragraph. It was perfect, and the way you wrote it was great.
Overall, I think you have a very well written one-shot here, I really enjoyed reading it. Once again, you had the characterization of Percy spot on, and that really made the story enjoyable. Awesome job!
9/10Author's Response: Angela, Thank you so much for the long and kind review! I greatly appreciate it.
I'm so glad you liked my characterization with Percy. I wanted to take creative liberty with him, but was afraid of how he'd end up turning out. I was kind of terrified he'd come off too, too, snooty, and I didn't want that to happen. But I'm glad that you found him well! YAY!
Oh, thank you so much for clarifying with the spells! When I wrote this, I had Silencio written first, but then I was like "NO! IT MUST BE MUFFILATO!" I don't know why my brain decided to make that decision, but it did. I'll change that ASAP! Thank you so very much.
I appreciate all of your comments, they made me smile! Thanks for taking the time out to read and review for me!
- Ginni Report Review
I'm still out here reading this, don't you worry! SO good! Onto next chapter! 10/10Author's Response: Aww, thank you ^_^ Report Review
Oh, that was good! You write the...for lack of more adequate wording, sexual tension between them so well! Ahh, so good! Update soon, yeah? :)Author's Response: Aww, thank you :) I'm glad you liked it! Thank you again! Report Review
Oh, gosh! That's embarrassing! :) Really good chapter! I was so excited when I logged in and there were TWO new ones, haha! On to chapter 8!Author's Response: Indeed :D Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hey, it's honeybabycakes1013 from the HPFF forums here with your requested review.
Hmm...very different. I kind of like it. :) I think it's very original. You know, the more I think on it, the more I like it. I'm currently rereading the Half-Blood Prince and actually just passed that part in the book. I think it's rather plausible that Draco, in his state of desprateness and anger of being caught crying, would easily overreact like this. Good job, it was an enjoyable read.
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Thank you! Yeah, this one is either a home run or a complete miss with people. I'm glad you liked it. XD That was one of my favorite parts of the book so I wanted to write a story about it. Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
Hey it's honeybabycakes1013!(Eee! The first submitted entry!) Wow, I really love the way you look into Severus's mind and the way the lyrics work flawlessly. Great job! I loved reading it-especially the line that said "If we live in the past, time will pass us by, and where would we be then?" LOVE it! Let me know when the next chapters are up, I'd love to read them!
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Thanks for your review.
I will hopefull have the next chapter up soon
Lollie :D Report Review
Hey Alicia! It's Angela here with your review.
Okidoke, first off, I'd like to say that I am *in love* with this plot. (I read that topic you had about naming it, so I have an idea of where it's going ^_^) I also like how you've written this, not in a childlike way, but saying things like a child would. (Like: This man was a very, very bad man and she wanted to run away and escape. He was going to tell her mother that she'd gone somewhere she shouldn't; she was going to be in big, big trouble. --It's not as if a child wrote it, but it's how a child would think) It really makes the story believable and gives it authenticity, if you know what I mean. You're totally good on grammar/spelling, as far as I could see as well. :)
One thing that did draw my attention, however, is that there was the sudden appearence of someone named 'Prudence' towards the end. You never really introduced them that I could see, and I was kind of confused if it was another child, or a pet perhaps. I would suggest fixing that, it was confusing.
Other than that, you REALLY have a good story here, I looove it so far! Feel completely free to request more reviews when this has been updated! (or on any other story, for that matter ^_^)
~AngelaAuthor's Response: Angela, dear! I'm totally speechless! I don't know what to say! You made my day! And I totally get what you mean about what (Skylar wrote that part actually) was written.
Prudence. Yes, I've been told that! :p It's my mistake on that part, because we changed the name of the character and as I was changing it, I didn't catch all of the "Prue's and Prudence's". I've checked, double even tripple checked the chapter and I'm still not sure if I've caught them all! :p Once I get a banner and chapter image done for the story, I will update that so it doesn't have to go through the queue twice! :p
I'm sooo glad you like our story so well and I'll be sure to tell Skylar about the reviews we've recieved. Even though it's by asking; it's sad that when we thought it was going to be a great hit, that we have to ask for reviews! :(
I'm glad you enjoyed it so well! And we will most definately let you know when there is an update and if I do ever write more, I will definately remember to request!
Thanks bunches, hun!
*Alicia Report Review
Hey, it's honeybabycakes1013 from the HPFF forums here with your review!
I'm going to be honest, I didn't think I was going to like this, because I'm not usually into the lighthearted comedy because a lot of people who write it don't write it well, but you pull it off. Really well, in fact.
I actually like this a lot! It's obvious that you have writing talent, and I love that you can pull off the goofy-ness of this story and still keep the quality up. Really great job, I'd be happy to review further when you get more chapters up! :)
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Phew - that's great to hear that it was pulled off well; I guess in a sense this was a bit of an exercise in writing light humour/comedy. I'll keep that in mind, thanks for the feedback! Report Review
Okay, another good chapter, and it was, again, easier to follow than chapter 2.
I do, however, have one problem with this. It's that the sudden meaningful talk between Samiya and Sirius is very...well, sudden. It's like one minute they're bickering and she wants to rip his head off and the next minute she's confessing her greatest ambitions to him, you know? I'm not saying it's a bad scene, it could happen, but it would be more gradual, it wouldn't just randomly pop up out of nowhere and make her like him more, that's all.
Otherwise, you've done pretty well on this, and I do enjoy reading it!
~HoneyAuthor's Response: I think I need to go back and clarify something in this chapter. The reason why Samiya opens up like that is because Sirius brought up a topic she is very passionate about. I'll go back and try to clean that up a bit. Thanks! Report Review
This is a cute chapter, the way the girls act around each other is very believable. They act like acutal friends.
I actually enjoyed this chapter more than the other, it was somewhat easier to follow, since you kept the focus on mainly on Cate.
I also like how you've portrayed Narcissa, instead of the pushover, quiet girl a lot of people choose, you've chosen a stronger girl, a leader and someone who's not afraid to speak up and jeer at someone she doesn't particularly like. Very nice.
~HoneyAuthor's Response: I have never visualized Narcissa as a pushover. I have always seen her as the female version of her son when at school. She is definitely going to play a bigger role as the story continues. Thanks! Report Review
Hey! It's honeybabycakes1013 from the HPFF forums here with your reviews! (finally!) I realized I already read the first chapter of this, and that really threw me off because then I thought it had been for my thread and that I'd snubbed you on the two other reviews I promise, but then I remembered that I'd read this on the side. Haha, go figure. :)
Okay, I really do like this story but, I must say, it gets just a tad bit confusing when you skip around your person who you focus on like that. I would suggest just picking one person to be the one you follow, or, when you switch people, but some sort of divider in there so it's not as choppy and confusing. (A divider could just be as simple as a couple of blank lines and something like '~*~*~*~')
Otherwise, you've done really well and I'm enjoying reading this!
~HoneyAuthor's Response: I will take a look at this chapter and see where to put the divider. I have tried to make each chapter one person's POV. I will take a look and make some adjustments. Thanks for the review!! Report Review
Hey! It's Honey here with your review! (Finally, sorry, I've had limited access to the internet recently.)
Well, as you probably know, I absolutely love reading your stories, and this one was not an exception.
I love that you chose to write about Ariana Dumbledore, she's such an underused character, in my opinion. You've written her really well, too. I love seeing inside her head and what she's thinking instead of how she was presented in the book-simply a static character.
The way you've ended it was quite a shock as well and made me wish that it wasn't over! :) I wanted to know what happened and why and see those men get punished, you know!
I must say, however, there were a few grammar errors, especially towards the beginning. You might want to give this a scan to catch them.
Great, great job! You never disappoint.
~HoneyAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review. i am so very pleased to hear that you liked this! i will check up on the errors a bit and see what i can do. they slip past you so easily, you know? thanks again. Report Review
Wow, thanks for telling a bit about the cannon of Silent Hill, that'll make things a tad bit clearer, not that I was particularly confused or anything, I just think it was a good preventative from that happening. :)
As always, I am slightly fangirl-ish with this, the air of mystery and secret is just so inticing and great to read! I love it.
Your characterization is really good and I like that we get to know Officer Bennet a tad bit more in this chapter, and I love how you depict Draco-you don't let him fall into the cliched molds of either the careless prick or the tragically misunderstood young man either.
Yay! Onto next chapter! (But I'm going to eat dinner first, so it might be a bit late, but not too much! ^_^)
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Hello again babycakes!
I'm so glad you found the bit of Silent Hill canon pertinent. I'm trying to keep this story as HP centered as I can, but every now and then, I feel the need to elaborate on the Silent Hill universe. ;)
Yay! I'm so thrilled to hear that you're enjoying Draco's characterization. I always thought he was a rather complex character, especially after his experiences in HBP.
Thanks a million for the wonderful review!!! It was really great hearing from you. Take care!
celticbard Report Review
Ahh, I just love how you write this story!
The images you give me in my mind are so vivid, it's like watching a movie! It's really intriguing as well, like I really want to know what's going on, you know?
Well, as usual, I can't say anything bad about this at all!
I do really love that line: 'and the sky wept soot.' and I was totally like 'woah' when I found out that was literal!
I really love this story, and that's saying something since I usually dislike stories with characters from the Hogwarts era.
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Hi babycakes!
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and review! I loved your first three reviews so much that I could barely wait to request more. ^_^
I'm so glad you're enjoying the imagery so far. I know horror stories are supposed to be somewhat atmospheric, but I always worry about bogging the reader down with too many details. ;)
Haha, yes, that soot line is literal. :)
Thanks again for the great review, babycakes! I really do appreciate your feedback. Take care!
celticbard Report Review
I'm doing my best not to sound like a broken record, but.grammar, grammar, grammar! I really suggest that you get a beta, it'll really improve the quality of your story.
Otherwise, good job so far!
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Lol, if I have time sometime soon I'll look through my chapters and really try to spot them.
Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it =) Report Review
Hey, it's me again!
The grammar/spelling errors are still present, I'd suggest getting a beta to fix them. :)
Pretty good job so far, the antics of the three are pretty entertaining.
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Okay, I never realised there were so many of them.
I do have an editor person (Narcissa 48), but I think she might sometimes accidentally miss mistakes because she's so used to me doing them.
Thanks a lot =) Report Review
Hey it's honeybabycakes1013 from the forums here FINALLY with your reviews! Sorry it's been so long, my computer crashed. :(
Anywhoo, I was originally weary of your story because of the fact that it is a crossover between HP and Twilight, but I'm starting to feel a bit more open to it...
You've got some punctuation errors as well as a few spelling errors in here that I'd recommend looking over to find and correct.
Alrighty, on to the next chapter!
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Thanks!
Okay, I'll try and look through it sometime for spelling and punctuation errors
Thanks a lot
Ah! So good! I love thhis story! And, finally, anna and sirius are closer to getting together!!!
Update sooner this time! ^_^
110111/10Author's Response: Hehe, thank you :D Report Review
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