Aw, this is cute! Short, sweet and to the point, just the way I like it ;)
I love how you bring the audience through the emotions in such a flowing way for such a short piece; often there's the likelihood that it'll be choppy, but you avoided that quite well :)
"looking at the girl unsurely" -- is unsurely a word? Huh, dictionary says it is. I just thought I'd mention that it sounded a bit awkward to me :P
Really great read, thanks for writing it! :)
-JillAuthor's Response: Thanks for taking the time to read this! This was one of my first stories and I'm so glad you enjoyed this! ^_^ Report Review
Ooooh! This is such an intense story! It's truly quite riveting :)
I love the whole concept of this - it reminds me of reading each new book that came out; the way we start to learn new pieces of Harry's life, how his character and relationships change with each new situation. You've done a really great job of stitching all of your pieces together and sewing all of the details together just so.
I think I actually like this story more than your other one! :O
Can't wait to read more! :D
-JillAuthor's Response: A lot of people seem to love If Only. I haven't written it in a very long time. It was only meant to be a short story or a little novella, but it ended up taking longer than expected. Then Found/Lost You squeezed it's way into my brain and I haven't been able to get it out. So I'm going to finish writing F/L You and then hopefully I can get back to writing If Only again.
I'm glad you think the story is reminiscent of the books. I try :)
~Meg Report Review
so lovely! your writing is so enjoyable to read - I love how the landscapes pan out perfectly from your descriptions and your characters have strengthened so much since the beginning! really great work! :)
can't wait for the next chapter! :D
-JillAuthor's Response: Yay! I'm so glad you reviewed! I was wondering when you were going to check back in. I'm glad you like the way the story is progressing. I have it all planned out, but I have to say I have been avoiding writing the next chapter. I've written a one shot and a short story instead as distractions haha.
But my short story is nearly finished and then I will be sitting down to write more chapters of this. It's hard to find inspiration to keep going.
Anyway I'm glad you liked the chap. Make sure to check back when the queue is open because I'll be posting as soon as they get it running again.
~Meg Report Review
You know, I read the long explanation thing on E&C because I know this is a brilliant story and was surprised when I found out you weren't going to continue it. I can see how it is a bit less intense than Tracker, but I don't really feel like it's less effective. Your dialogue is really well done. The interactions the characters have and how they portray exactly what you want them to are wonderful. I think in comparison to Tracker that the description is lacking a bit; there's a lot less specific detail here. However, I feel like this story could be finished! With a bit of editing I'm sure you'd feel the same ;) And I should probably warn you that each review I leave will be telling you something of the sort and pushing you to edit&finish this because it is really brilliant! Aaaand I'm going to try and make you a new banner :P
-JillAuthor's Response: Wow-- I'm so touched that you took the time to leave such a kind and lovely review. :)
I am definitely going to try and rewrite this story--most likely over summer 2011--because I agree with the fact that specific detail is lacking and could be much improved. I'm so glad that you like the realness of the characters, and I hope that this story only gets better once I pick it back up.
Hahaha- bribery by banner! Absolutely ingenious. That's why I love you Jill! ;)
Cheers-- and congrats on everything going on with you right now!--
Hallows Report Review
I'm curious, why didn't you have Hermione dry her hair with her wand? I know she conveniently forgets that she's a witch sometimes, but even if you wanted to make a point this could still occur. Just something I thought of :)
“Gamp’s Fundamental Law of Transfiguration?” Draco interrupted slyly, a satisfied smile curving the corners of his mouth. “It’s magic.” -- Love!
I seriously love the dialogue - the build up and how they slowly let go of their need to be at each other's throats. It's intriguing to read - to see what they'll do next, who will back down first, how they react to each other.
I'm also very intrigued at how you'll incorporate Harry and his relationship with Ginny into this as well. This was far too short of a snippet to satiate that bit of my curiosity :)
This chapter is much improved from the last - it effectively evokes the emotions and actions of the characters in an elegantly written way. The prose is delightful to read and the interactions fresh and written in a way that easily captivates the reader. Great work :)
I can't wait for the next one! :D
-JillAuthor's Response: Another review! Is it Christmas? *checks calender* Apparently not, but it feels like it! :)
The reason dear Hermione doesn't dry her hair with her wand is because she doesn't have it. Draco does, although I do agree that Hermione does forget her abilities sometimes (although it's rare). I obviously need to make that more clear-- sorry about that!
Thanks! :) Glad you liked that bit & the dialogue in general. It's very tricky to write-- probably the hardest thing-- so thanks so much! I definitely have room for improvement though.
I will make sure to have more Harry and Ginny incorporation. :) Noted!
I liked this chapter more than the last chapter too-- thanks for being so honest! It's really lovely to have such a great reader, beta, and friend like you!
Cheers-- thanks again!
Hallows Report Review
I feel like the beginning of this is much less effective than the previous chapter; there's a bit too much questioning and stating the obvious going on. "What had he meant?" "He had her wand. There was no denying it." Why would there be? You clearly stated that in the last chapter. Draco also goes on to explain the emotion that Hermione's actions display, something the action itself should be doing.
This - "After a few seconds of sifting she extracted a torn piece of - something—was it parchment?—from its depths." - however, is where you've used this questioning technique to your benefit. The audience already knows the answer, so making the character question is much less... shall we say, repetitive.
And I love the way you describe setting. Detail is not lacking and the visual that pops into my head is quite complete - absolutely fantastic! :)
I adore the dialogue in this chapter - it elevates our knowledge of their relationship and really creates the tension, fear, and mistrust of the two in a wonderfully worded way. I particularly love the section where Lucius witnesses the events on the grounds - it's another example of where your description and dialogue (interior at this point) are specific and create this sharp image in my mind. It's also so poignant in revealing his character as you wish us to see him, particularly this sentence: "The two people that he loved were in the castle fighting for their lives, but amidst the tree roots there was a small passageway."
I have to wonder - where is Narcissa? Draco is home, declares that his father is not, but says nothing of his mother.
Overall I think you have a brilliant chapter here, but it could also use a little revision. I think I kind of failed on my betaing here... I found some grammar errors! :P Ah well, we're all human :)
Next chappie! :D
-JillAuthor's Response: Jill! *hug tackles!* You're back!
So I completely agree with you about the ridiculous volume of authorial voice... it's completely icky and detracts from the writing. The questioning-- egads!-- I completely agree. COMPLETELY. Thanks for pointing it out to me-- funny how I never see these things while writing, only afterward. :) I agree though! *dies*
& thanks for the honesty! *gives a bucket of cookies*
I'm glad you miss Narcissa. ^_^ You shall be finding out where she is very shortly, you observant reader you! *pinches cheek, chuckles ruefully*
Grammar errors? What? *looks around* Me? No way! I write real good, you no! ;) Teehee- yeah, I do have a few in this chapter that make me cringe, and one of these days I will correct it and send it back through the queue.
Thanks for the R&R! Much love--
Okay, so firstly I feel like total and utter poo for not having reviewed this. I was doing some stalking since you're across the pond and not here to discuss your stories with me and realised that I have not left you a single review. A heinous crime, in my opinion.
Anyways. I love this as an opening chapter. There are so many questions, so many ways that the story can expand and a scene that is wonderfully set up for the audience to get a nice clear picture of what's going on - what you want us to know from the get-go.
I also love your word choice. It's spectacularly varied; you even have enough different words so that every time she's running it feels like something completely new and different, which is exquisite. At the same time this also portrays the actions of your characters really well; the small movements that show exactly how they feel and, in a way, express something that dialogue never could.
Aaaand, I'm totally and utterly in shock that you dedicated this to me. Seriously, it's very lovely of you and I am totally undeserving. I never left a review for this, nevermind for The Keeper, which will get some love after I finish this one :)
Onward bound! :D
-JillAuthor's Response: Pfft- how many drafts have I made you read? How many pesky questions have I asked you? How many hours have you invested in my writing? Bizillons! I'm honored you're R&R-ing, and you totally deserve the dedication. No worries. :) Thanks for being totally awesome.
Thanks! :) I am floored by your wonderfully kind critiques-- it's humbling, truly! Methinks you are being far too nice! *hug tackles* I'm very glad that you found it interesting, though: this is good news *nods*.
I always feel that I'm dancing on the border between detail-rich and annoyingly nit-picky. :) I'm happy that the description pleases you thus far: please keep an eye on it for me and let me know if/when it becomes too much!
& the little details are always the most difficult to remember to write, so the notion that you would comment on them is also very incredible to me. :) Thanks a million!
Much love, Jill! & I definitely need to commence reviewing the world of GAL, so don't feel guilty in the slightest. I will begin that process soon, so be on the lookout for my awesome ninja review skills in action *dramatic music*.
Hallows Report Review
Quality's not up to par? Seriously? This chapter totally made me giddy! Granted, I squeed when I checked my favorite's feed and it was there, but oh well, I just love this story!
I don't even know how to encompass all the awesomeness into a review! I love Jane's character - she's so quirky and cute and her internal monologue is absolutely hilarious! She's got so much depth and it's wonderful to read.
And it's always a plus to have so many gorgeous guys in one chapter. Phwoar! Seriously, I think I drooled a little. ;)
Another thing that's so wonderful about your writing is that you actually write about stuff besides the characters. Like the practice game and the lunch with Valerie. It makes the story that much more relatable and defines the characters just that much more. Oh, and Roger and Madeline being at the restaurant? Genius!
Gah, I could go on for ages. Basically, this is an incredible chapter, I'm super excited about it (especially as I just reread this whole story the other day because I missed it so much) and I can't wait for the next chappie! :D
-JillAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you enjoyed it!!!
Jane really is quirky and her internal stuff is ridiculous. I love how she just goes with things. Her personality seems endless.
I love gorgeous guys in a chapter. Several of them. Several thousand would be better.
I love that you love my subplots, etc. Those are very important to me because they round out the characters.
Thank you so much and I look forward to what you think of the next chapter! Report Review
Ooh *rubs hands together* I can't wait for the next chapter! The fighting bit was intense! emotionally and you've whittled this down perfectly so that I'm just itching to read more! :D
Great chapter! :DAuthor's Response: Well you won't have to wait long. I've already put the next chapter up for validation. It's all getting really juicy so I'm enjoying writing everything. I'm glad you liked the fight. These next few chapters are about to get extremely intense so get ready for more. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
~Meg Report Review
This is such a cute story! I love your characterizations :)
Can't wait for more!
-Jill Report Review
Yayyy! Another awesome chapter! And it's good filler! All good stories have filler, so as long as it follows the plot, you're good :] I think this is exceptionally good filler actually - ten times better than mine ;]
Good luck in your classes! I look forward to the next chapter :D
-JillAuthor's Response: Well yay, I'm glad it was a good filler! And thanks for the good luck, I ended up doing well in all my classes, so it's all good now. Thanks for the great review!
:) Report Review
Yes, I'm pumped she's going to read that letter - I love the way you write Oliver too, btw, which I failed to mention (I think) in my review on book #1. But yes. Can't wait for the next chapter! This story is turning out really well and I'm hoping we get to learn more about this Drew fellow! Bahaha he seems amusing - a squirrel? :)
-JillAuthor's Response: Aww thank you! I'm always worried about writing for men, so that's very sweet of you to say! x Report Review
Lovely story! You incorporate all kinds of different emotions throughout making us laugh like fool and then sober up as the story comes to a close and yet you stick to Anne's character very well.
Not a very poignant review, but I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed reading this very much and can't wait to read the sequel(s)!
-JillAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Don't worry about poignancy, it pretty much rocked for me anyway! Thank you, thank you, thank you! x Report Review
I must say, when I started reading this piece, I didn't understand why it is hailed by people all over the site as one of the best Dramione stories. Honestly, by chapter 24, I changed my opinion a small amount - the emotions of the characters and the deep integration of all the emotions, dance specifics and events is seriously quite impressive, yet I still didn't feel the tug, the reason I should think of this as anything other than another story detailing a most tragic tale.
I don't mean to sound harsh and apologize if it sounds that way. I really think it accentuates the point, though. This final chapter brings the perfect closure to this piece. And yet it brings something much more. I don't even have the words to sum up my mental standpoint as I finished this chapter, and thus I can only describe my emotional reaction.
I feel like I knew he wouldn't survive; how could against such Dark people? There's always someone else to stand behind one who is destroyed. And yet the way you wrote this chapter, the way Hermione lays out very specific events that drag very specific emotions from the audience is unnervingly tragic. I finished reading about five minutes ago and I still have tears streaming down my face. I hope for your sake that you have no had to undergo such emotional turmoil to be able to write these emotions so clearly that my heart literally aches for her loss and equally blooms with her joy of caring for her lovely child. Other than this, I really have no words to tell you what I got from this story - it's simply that amazing.
I heartily congratulate you on writing such a piece and hope my rambling hasn't been too much; I just had to say what passed through my mind. Well done!
-Jill Report Review
Wow! This is so intriguing! I really like the whole concept and your writing flows so well, not to mention the awesome descriptive words and verbs you use.
Great work! :]
-JillAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, Jill :) I'm really glad you liked it! And thanks for the compliment. *blush* Report Review
I like this chapter a lot!! Your characterizations are great and you really keep the reader engaged here. I look forward to finding out what happens next! :DAuthor's Response: :D Thanks for reviewing, the next chapter in the cue again :) Report Review
What a great story! I love the plot and the way you portray all of these characters. You're such a great emotional writer; I always feel like I could be sitting right there in the person's body.
Can't wait for the next chapter :)
-JillAuthor's Response: Hey there, Jill! Wow, thanks so much. I've currently lost my usb (the amount of times I've had to explain that in reviews across the year is shameful) but hopefully I'll be able to update soon. I really should back up my stuff... hahah, thanks! :) Report Review
Angst! Depth! A bit of sadness! THAT KISS! All quite epic.
The whole chapter where she's thinking of Sirius and James as these huge nerds KILLED me. It's so far from the reality and is utterly hilarious. :] However, I feel like the contrasting sadder emotions of the second half really outshine the humorous beginning. You've got Sirius' character spot on, and the way these two act around each other is just phenomenal to read.
Can't wait for the next one! :D
-JillAuthor's Response: Epic? Thanks! And teehee, glad you liked the nerd bit, I'm proud of it.
Your reviews always make me happy. I'm so glad you though the sadness was good and that I get Sirius's character. Thanks a bunch!
:) Report Review
This is such a great story! I can only imagine the amount of work going into it! You've characterized everyone really well and while I'm still a bit skeptical on the relationship end of this, I find it of minor importance compared to the awesome-ness that is the rest of the story.
Keep up the great work! I look forward to the next chapter :]Author's Response: Aw thanks loff! I am glad you like it! In respect to the relationship part, her relationship with Scorpius is going to be nothing like what she had with Draco, but thats all I am giving away! You will see where it goes darling!
Thanks so much for the loff-ly review! I love it when people seem to appriciate what the author did to write it! *hugs*
~~Chelsea Report Review
Haha, this is so cute and fun to read! Really well done... I like seeing how you're incorporating her into the marauders' lives... it's quite different from many of the others I've read - which is good! The way you characterize Skyler and Bella is great and overall the story's quite humorous.
Keep up the good work! I look forward to the next chapter! :D
-JillAuthor's Response: Wow, thanks! I love hearing peoples thoughts, and yours are all good :D
Ooh! I like this! It's very light and fun, which I don't see too much of. Plus, your characters (Bella and Skyler in particular) are hilarious.
Can't wait for more! :D
-JillAuthor's Response: Ahh, thaaankyou! Reviews make me so happy, you're the only person to review so far - i thought no one liked it! Thankyou thankyou thankyou ! Report Review
Oh boy... I haven't even started reading yet, but I'm assuming the chapter title is a name, and if so, that definitely doesn't bode well for Alanna :P We shall see! :D
OH MY GOD. What a .! I don't even have a proper word to describe him.
But I love this!! This is by far one of my favorite stories on this site. Your writing is absolutely incredible, and the intensity of Alanna's emotions and actions is enough to make anyone fall in love with the whole story.
This connection she has to playing the piano continues to capture my attention... I love how there's a bit of light at the end of the dark tunnel she's in, something to bring even the slightest joy to her sheltered, oppressed life.
Gah! I can't say anymore because I'll start being repetitive and unnecessarily (though not undeservingly) fan girlish through loads of squees :]
Great work, and I eagerly await the next chapter :D
-JillAuthor's Response: Wow, it's taken way too long for me to respond. As you can probably tell from the lack of updates, I haven't been on HPFF much in the past year.
Yes, the piano-playing does offer a bit of light in her dark tunnel. :P Thank you for all of your compliments. They make me blush, as always. The next chapter is in the works - and has been for awhile. I NEED to get it finished! :/
Thank you Jill, as always! =] Report Review
Gah! You've got me with just the first two words of this! Haha, I love Dedalus! :P
'“Dissori sam—”he interrupted, but the woman ducked and the spell shot over Bellatrix’s head.
“Petrificus Totalus!” ' - this confused be a bit... there was a lot of space between Bella's head and the spell... was Ded supposed to be interrupting by using the "Petrificus Totalus" spell? I think putting them on the same line would encourage that notion rather than placing the spell on it's own line.
"With another wave of her wand—the pseudo-lightning had since then faded away—Bellatrix sent the remaining Death Eaters’ wands" - the section where you mention that the lightning had faded disrupts the flow of the union of the Death Eaters preparing to get into the Manor... I'd try to slip it in earlier where it would be more timely in it's execution.
But EP! I love this chapter! The way you write multiple characters at one time is really stunning; usually I'm distracted because the bouncing back and forth can be really choppy, but yours flows so well :]
This was such a great chapter - so much action! Not to mention all the will they die? will Bella succeed? is Voldy just going to crush all of them? was epic :]
And this chapter definitely made up for the three month absence :P
Can't wait for the next one!
-JillAuthor's Response: Thank you for the tips. I'll take another look at those parts. I'm glad the multiple characters were written coherently and smoothly - I usually avoid writing conventional battle scenes because it's difficult to keep track of so much action. Bouncing back and forth is more apparent on paper than in cinema, for example. :P
Well, this invasion was so epic that it lasted 4 chapters. They're all up, so you won't have to wait. I'm working on the aftermath right now. Thank you for the long, terrific review! Report Review
This was quite amusing :) You've taken on Sirius' character really well! I just love the way you're showing the relationship here: it's so different from Burn Out Heart. He gets so flustered around her, it's really adorable :) One thing that I really love about Lulah is that she'll throw anyone around in circles if she thinks they're getting to close... it's such a relatable characteristic and I'm actually really excited about seeing his side of this.
Gah, repeating myself again :P But one little thing I noticed, and I dunno where you live, so it may be different, but I thought the class was Ancient Runes, like a language type thing, not Ancient Ruins, which I would consider more of a history kind of thing. Minor, of course, but just something I noticed.
Anyways, I'm still addicted, but I tend to read this right before I sleep, so I apologize for my wacko reviews :D Can't wait for the next chapter!
-JillAuthor's Response: Oh good! I'm not the only one who finds it funny, hahah. Thank you so much. I'm glad I managed to show how different it is for Sirius. There aren't many Sirius/OCs written from Sirius's POV, I think.
Oh! I'll go and fix that. I thought the subjext was Runes, but I guess I just wrote it as Ruins by default. Hahah, silly kid.
Thanks very much!
Laura Report Review
I'm back! :) I'm really enjoying getting the whole story again, and it's really interesting to get it from Sirius' point of view. I think many people would find this chapter kind of monotonous if they don't bother to really try and understand what's going on and, personally, I think that's a good quality to have as an author: to have some aspects that don't just jump out at you. But you summed it all up in the one sentence where Sirius mentions that seeing Lulah has changed his life forever... That she'd spice up his life (gah... Definitely not the phrase I was the looking for, but the only one that comes to mind, sorry).
Anyways, it's brilliant and flowing really well! I'm excited to continue! :)
-JillAuthor's Response: hahah, thanks! I think I understand what you're talking about? Haha, no I do, promise.
I really enjoy writing Sirius. I realised when I was looking back over old reviews and I responded to one on december 08 saying "i'll try to update after christmas" and not updating til '10. Gosh, that's bad!!! A year. But I really enjoy (if I may say so) reading these chapters back and seeing all these small, random details and actions I put into these chapters. Hahah, like Sirius tripping on the bench.
ANYWAY. THANK YOU :) Perhaps that's what I'm trying to say?
Laura Report Review
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