Back again!! I really liked the character development in this chapter. I think that James, so far, is my favorite out of the three of them. He just can't be the killer; he can't be, lol! There is still something about Teddy that doesn't sit right with me... All that talk about becoming famous - more famous than Harry Potter, and wanting to be a celebrity and get recognized. I don't know, but his thirst for the spotlight kind of makes me uneasy about him. That; plus he's cocky, and has an attitude, and to me it doesn't seem like he takes his job all too seriously. Teddy also had more opportunity than anyone else that was there to wipe their only witnesses memory clean. I mean, he was there talking alone with the guy, and his mind didn't go blank until he looked up and (probably) recognized (or was about to recognize) Teddy's face. It was a little bit TOO convenient, if you ask me...
Forgive me if I am making the wrong accusations here, but Teddy comes across as the type of person who only cares about himself, his needs, and his wants. But I suppose I'll just have to wait and see about him I guess, haha! Oh, and I forgot to mention in my review of the last chapter that James' girlfriend seems really sweet. Is she by chance the daughter of Seamus Finnigan? If so then that's really cool; I like the connection you made there with your own OC. I hope nothing bad happens to her in this... This story is SO good Melissa! Thank you SO MUCH for requesting it, cuz Idk if I would have found it any other way. I LOVE this, and I can't put it down!!! 10/10 =)
~Deana~Author's Response: I'm all about character development, and tend to always end up writing character studies without plots. :-/ this fic as wayyy outside of my comfort zone. Kara is Seamus' daughter. I'm glad you like this story!! I'm planning on starting to write the sequel soon so I hape to see you when it is posted! Report Review
Hey Melissa, I am finally here to review as promised! Sorry it took me so long to get to this... So let me just start by saying WOW! What a gripping beginning you have here!! I mean, whoa, this was so thrilling! And your description right at the beginning, when you were talking about the alleyway, was great. Everything here was written with just enough detail, and yet it was all still very shot and simple. I really liked that a lot! :)
This sure does make James look pretty guilty, lol! But then again, Teddy's character seems like more the "murdering" type, if you know what I mean. Cuz what was with him staring at the wall like that? What was on his mind, besides Victoire's nagging, hmm? He did seem awfully distracted... I guess I'll just have to wait until the end to find out tho! I am hooked on this, and I cannot wait to read more!! =)
~Deana~Author's Response: Heyyy. Thank you so much for your review. :) Report Review
This was such a good chapter; Jayde's powers are SO fascinating!! I'm so happy she's finally starting to get the hang of it. What she did to make it snow in the Great Hall was so cool! :)
I think that the prospect of having another grand ball at Hogwarts is an interesting one. I can't help bit wonder what Professor Trelawney's big prediction was tho, haha! I love it how unenthusiastic Jayde is about all of it, and how she's not so much of a girly-girl in this. She cracks me up, lol! And OMGosh, her dress sounds SO beautiful... I'm almost inspired to make another chapter image for you now- one of her in a purple dress, lol! ^_~
Ooh, Jayde has a secret admirer, haha!! It's probably Draco, isn't it? I keep wondering when and how those two are gonna get together, cuz I just know it's going to happen here eventually! It's inevitable - pun intended, rotfl! Keep up the awesome work Jayde, you are such a great writer!! =DAuthor's Response: ANOTHER review! You're too awesome! :-) I'm glad you think Jayde's powers are awesome.
Honestly, I meant Dumbledore's speech about Professor Trelawney's prediction that there will be a ball that "changes the fate of the universe" to be one big joke..basically, Trelawney gave this prediction and Dumbledore didn't believe it, but used it as an excuse to throw a ball anyway. I'm actually considering, during the editing process, changing things around a bit and making the ball one of Slughorn's parties instead.. but I just can't decide! Jayde's a bit like me in her "non-girly-girl" ways, lol. The dress is beautiful, though, I've got an image saved on my computer of what it looks like, if you want to see it. Yay for me inspiring you to make another chapter image!
Yep, Jayde's got a secret admirer! I can't tell you if it's Draco.. it'd ruin it! LOL! Yes, it is "Inevitable"! Thank you SO much, Roxi! Report Review
Hey Jayde, I'm finally here to review this edited chapter!! Sorry it took me so long to get to this... RL sucks sometimes, lol! ^_^'
Anyways, I must say that my favorite part about this was the bit you added in about her playing in the snow. That was SO freaking cute, especially when she was trying to sneak up on the owl, lol! I don't know if this was intentional or not; but by adding in that part there, it helped me to see why it snows whenever she is happy later on in the story. :)
Another thing I loved about this was Ms. Fitzpatrick's reaction to Mrs. McGreggor, lol! It was so realistic, and so very in character for how I imagined her. This was a million times better than before, I cannot believe how much you are improving! I am SO glad you are taking the time to go back and edit these first few chapters; it's like a whole new story now, lol! And whoever your Beta is for this, tell them they're doing a super-fantastic job, cuz I didn't spot any grammar errors or misplaced/missing commas at all!! This is SUCH a great story hun, I can't wait to see what you will change/remove/add in the next few chapters as well!! =)
Oh, and BTW, I might be a little bit biased in saying this here... but the chapter image you added at the beginning of this looks pretty great too, haha!! =P
- A well deserved 10 outta 10, for sure!! ^_~Author's Response: Awww, Roxi! *Tears*
You just made my day. No, really! I had a horrible day at work and then I come home to find this review?! Awww! Thank you so much!
I agree, RL does suck sometimes :-( I'm just glad that you thought it was an improvement! Yay! I was aiming for "cute" when I wrote in the bit about her playing in the snow.. she really loves snow, which is why it snows when she's happy..because snow makes her happy! LOL! It wasn't really "intentional", but once I added that bit I realized that was a perk!
Haha, yes, Ms. Fitzpatrick's reaction was very 'in character' for her, I'm glad you liked it! *Does happy dance* I'm so glad to hear I'm improving.. I'm seriously crying right now, no kidding! Yay for it being a million times better and like a whole new story! My Beta is amazing, I'll pass your compliments along to her! I'm going to re-submit chapter 3 tomorrow :-)
Teehee! *Speaks in sarcastic, high-pitched voice* Now why would you be biased about the chapter image?? Lol! I think it looks amazing, myself! Thank you SO much for the 10/10, and the review! I LAFF YOU! Report Review
I saw in your status that you only needed one more review to get to 100, and thot I might do the honors, haha!! (It's RoxiMalfoy from the forums, btw!) Ok, so let me just start off by saying how cute this was!! I have never read anything with a young Peter Pettigrew in it before, but I think you did an awesome job of capturing how I would have imagined his personality to be at that age. I could totally see him being the quite, shy kid before he went to Hogwarts and met James, Sirius & Remus. I mean, after all, he was always the quite one among the 4 of them too; wasn't he? ^_~
As for your OC; OMG, she is adorable!! Her family seems really sweet too, and I especially liked her older brothers, lol! I come from a big family too, so I could relate with all the sibling rivalry as well, haha! I also liked how you described Peter as being slightly envious of their closeness as a family too. That fits in very well with the character we all know he one day grows up to be. Speaking of which; the fact that his father was so strict is a very good insight as to why he may have grown up to be like that. So I thought that bit was very well done!
Another thing I really loved about this is how it all takes place within the Magical world. Everything was wizard related; like the dung bombs in the shower (lol), the boys asking to use the floo network instead of the car, the obvious muggle prejudices that Peter's dad showed, etc... A lot of the stories I've real always seem to be too mugglized, lol. (Is that even a word??) This story, however, does not seem to follow that trend; a fact which I really like a lot!! =)
You have captured the innocence of a young child here beautifully, especially with Deora. Everything from the mud on her face when she first got home to the bickering with her brothers was so perfectly characterized for a 10 year old. I felt so bad for Deora there at the end, the poor girl... Which brings me to: the Plot!! I really, really like it a lot! I especially enjoyed how it all ties in with the "Secret Friends" chapter title as well. But that could just me tho - I tend to like it more when the title of a chapter is actually mentioned somewhere within the chapter itself, haha. ^_^'
Overall, this story is off to a magnificent start, and I cannot wait to read more!! I can't guarantee that I will be able to review every single chapter tho, but I will certainly be adding this story to my favorites and finishing it out as I find the time to read more!! I really love Deora, and I cannot wait to see where you go with the rest of this story; especially once they get to Hogwarts!! We all know what house Peter gets sorted into, but I can't help but wonder which one she gets placed in as well. My hopes are with Gryffindor, but I guess I'll just have to read on and see, lol!! XD
And by the way, since you asked for favorites in your note at then end, THIS was my favorite quote here::
-- "Awe, Didi! Don't be such a party pooper!" Albert cried out immediately dropping his prior pretense of innocence. Then he added, “although, you do smell like poop."
I really like her brothers... They sortta remind me of Fred & George, haha! -- 10/10 =DAuthor's Response: Hiii ohmygosh i'm so sorry for the super late reply especially considering you took out the time to write such a long review for me and being my ONE HUNDREDTH REVIEW for KtS!!! But I hope you know how I sincerely appreciate this and that all of your compliments have instnatly gone to my head ;) haha I'm really happy you liked this first chapter and I'm so glad I was able to characteerise them as well you as you had said! Thanks a billion!!! Report Review
Hey, it's RoxiMalfoy from the forums - here to review for you, as promised! The plot you have here is really good, and your Original Character definately has potential!! I think all us girls have been in her position at least once before, so she comes off as relatable and real in some ways, which is good!! =)
However, as other reviewers have already stated; this story needs to have a major revision BIG TIME hun. Miss Writer has already pointed out the majority of the things that I noticed, so I won't mention them again. One thing I will mention is the ending of the chapter. It didn't really feel like an actually ending. There was no finality to it, it just sort of cut off in mid-conversation. Another thing is that I almost feel like there is enough content here for the prologue and chapter 1 to be two separate entries. That is just my opinion tho... Also, you may want to put actual summaries along with the chapters out on the story page, rather than just saying "Read & Review". If you need help with this, there is an excellent Help Needed section for summaries at the forums!!
Sorry if I seem too picky but, as a first impression I got, it just didn't look like you put very much thought into this at all - judging by the Story Page - which is void of any summaries, apart from the one at the top. Seeing stuff like that will put off some people from reading, which is what you DON'T want, so I just thought I'd mention it...
On a more positive note, I like the fact that this has more - erm- 'adult' themes behind it. (At least I think that's the word I'm looking for, lol!) Your characters are real and that Dean seems like he's on the road to become one of those people whom we all love to hate, lol! Idk if that's what your plan is, but that was the impression that I got, haha! This story has really good potential to be something great, once you get it all fixed up! So I would strongly encourage you to find a Beta Reader. I'd offer to do it, but I'm already Beta'ing 2 stories at the moment and am slightly overworked, haha! ^_^'
I will be back to review more when I have some free-time again, I promise! Keep up the good writing! :)Author's Response: thank you so much.
no dont apologise for being too picky, i like that you give me advice and feed back.
i have a beta now and its all getting worked on, and i will look into getting summaries in for chapters.
I'm re-doing it all, so how about i PM you when it is all fixed and as you said when you have free time you can have another read over it.
What's not to be pleased with? This chapter was brilliant!! In fact, when I think of all the words that could describe how amazing this was; dull is the LAST thing that comes to my mind. So STOP being so hard on yourself, cuz you are an excellent writer!! Oh, and by the way - Hi! It's 'RoxiMalfoy' from the forums - just thot I should introduce myself, lol! ^_^'
My favorite was the sausage part, haha! I literally laughed out loud at that part, and then I took my laptop out of my room to read it to my roommates. They all laughed as well, lol! Avery's character is brilliant; I love her! I really like how awkward and shy she is - it makes her seem real, as well as relatable. You really seem to know her inside and out, so she translates well! :)
You seem to have a way writing comedy, and you make everything flow together so smoothly. The only thing I noticed that was distracting is that you forget to use commas in some places. Like here for example; after Sirius says James always picks the crazy ones, there should a comma after the word"person" here:
"Even though he was putting down me as a person there was a playful glint in his eyes that made me think that even though he completely thought I was mental, he was amused."
There were a few others as well, but it's nothing that a quick read-thru won't fix up! I REALLY like this story so far!! The plot is very original and unique, and the story is hilarious!! You also seem to write James & Sirius really well, so I cannot wait to see what you do with Peter & Remus! BTW: I know this was in the last chapter, but I really liked how you made Peter seem so sweet when Avery was telling us about the way he treated his girlfriend. UGH! I loathe it when people write marauder stories that exclude Peter - that is like my BIGGEST pet-peeve, lol! So at least you haven't 'conveniently forgotten' that there are 4 Marauders, haha! XD
Anyways, I have added this story to my favorites, and will be reading the rest of it as I have time! Like I said, I think this is completely Brilliant, haha!! Great work!!! =)Author's Response: Oh my gosh, hi! I can't tell you how excited I was when I saw this review in my unanswered reviews I was like OH MY GOD. Epicness! And you're too nice to come over and read my little story!
I'm so happy that you like Avery and that you find it funny! I'm worried some times my sense of humor is a little too out there but people seem to be getting the humor and nothing makes me more excited :) Especially when people say they can relate to Avery and that she's a good OC. But I think that every author is hard on themselves! It comes with the territory of the job.
I'm glad you think I'm good at comedy, I'm worried some times it doesn't flow but your encouragment has put the biggest smile on my face! : D that's me! And yes, I have to get these chapters beta'd hard core, I'm siriusly slacking in that department and I need to get on it!
I'm glad you like it so much, and I'm glad you think I write James and Sirius well. Considering I'm not a guy I'm worried they'll sound too feminine some times (especially in later chapters when I go into their POV's) but so far I think I've kept their masculinity in tact :P And I needed to make Peter sweet, I wanted to really get into his character in this story. So often, like you said, people completely abandon him. But he WAS a Marauder so he did have merit to his name. And as the story progresses I slowly start unveiling the moments and characterizations that will inevitably lead to his betrayal.
Thank you a hundred bazillion million times for this lovely, wonderful review! You are amazing!!! Hope you like the rest of the story!!! : )
~Lauren Report Review
Well now that the cat's outta the bag; I suppose I can review under my normal name now, lol! It is I; Yoshi_Kitten (AKA: RoxiMalfoy) and in this case, formerly known as Santa!!! You're a really good guesser ya know, lol!! I had so much fun being your Secret Santa, Jayde, I really did. The people who put it together did SUCH a fantastic job. Had it not been for the SS deal, I probly never would have met you, or never found this fantastic story of yours!!!
But OMG, now THIS is what I'm talking about! Now you are really telling the story thru Jayde's perspective, rather than just showing it. The difference here was phenomenal!!! The emotion was ten times better, the build at the end was great, and you honestly could not have cut it off at a more perfect spot!
The description all throughout this chapter was entirely fantastic; you can really tell where you've put so much thought into it. For example: I love the fact that you added in so may more references about the weather patterns throughout the day, and I also liked how you took the time to describe Gorey, Gloria and Mrs. Fitzpatrick's physical appearance a little bit more.
Your writing has improved SO much Jayde, I am really proud of you! I cannot wait to see what you have done in your edits of the next few chapters as well!! No matter what happens dear, you should never, ever, NEVER give up on this story, lol! You seriously are doing great, and you can only keep getting better! Keep up the fabulous work hun!! I am giving this new & improved chapter a well deserved 9/10 - for being descriptive, drawing the reader in, and then making them want to come back for more with the awesome cliffhanger at the end! Fantastic work!! =)
~Deana~Author's Response: EEEP, Deana! I'm glad I guessed your identity right, otherwise I'd have felt stupid for posting on your profile!! I enjoyed you being my secret santa, you're amazing! I agree, the people who put together the Secret Santa thing did a great job! I know! I'm so glad we met! And awww! I'm glad you like my story that much!!
YES!! *Pumps fist in air* Oh my gosh, I'm so glad to hear that you think this is an improvement!! *Does happy dance around the room* I really tried to take the advice you gave in your reviews and I'm gad to hear it worked!!
I'm sooo glad to hear my writing has improved!!! I'm going to submit the new and improved chapter 2 right now, along with the chapter image you made me!! Aww, thank you so much! I promise, I won't give up! And thanks for the awesome rating and all your fabulous reviews and graphics!!
Oh. My. Goodness. She really has gotten herself in WAY over her head here, hasn't she? If this doesn't go well, she should just pretend to quit her fake job, lol! I like how Penelope and Athena's friendship is slowly developing here. The two of them really seem to make a good pair. They have each other's backs, and I like to read best friends like that! :)
The only thing I've found that comes across as being a tad bit unbelievable and slightly out of place so far is the iPod thing (which is correctly spelled with a lower-case i and a capital P by the way). I know she's been hanging around Muggles and all, so it makes sense that she would know about them and maybe even have one, but I don't think Oliver would know about them. He hasn't spent as much time in the Muggle world, has he? How many years after the war does this take place exactly, and had iPods even been invented at the time? I know it's your story and you can wrote it however you want, but you still might want to check into that because using iPods in a Post-Hogwarts era fic just seems... off. If this were a next gen, however, that would make a whole lot more sense. Sorry, but it was just something I noticed.
Also, I am seeing a few left out words here and there, as well as a few missing commas. But a quick re-read through and I'm sure you'll catch them too. They really aren't too distracting, and I still know what you meant by it.
It was so nice of Athena to play along and train Penelope so that she could take over her job for the night. I don't know if I'd ever let one of my friends fill in for me at my job tho, lol! But I don't think the 2 of them will have any problems getting away with this, given the crowd that's there and all... I've been wrong before though, lol!
Oh, I cannot wait for Oliver to show up and see her there! The plot of this story seems to be really good so far! It is definitely keeping my interest, and I can't wait to read more! Keep up the great work!! =)Author's Response: I have an explanation for Oliver and it's coming up in another chapter that can't come soon enough. He has a roommate who's a muggle-born and who showed him everything, and this comes up in another chapter so please keep reading! Report Review
Hello! So NaNo is finally over and, as promised, I am here to review your story for you!! Sorry it's taken me a few weeks to get to this, but thanks for being patient with me... Now on with the story!
This is actually pretty good! I really like your characterization of Penelope. You have made her very relatable, and her funny insights make her believable as well, so great job there. I love the way she kept referring to Oliver as "hunky back boy" until she finally found out what his actual identity was. And OMGosh, the "JESUS CHRIST BANANAS" line made me laugh SO much!! I'm probly gonna have to use that one some time now, lol! =)
Also, I found it extremely clever of you to make Penelope the one to introduce Percy to his future Muggle-wife Audrey. I don't know why, but I loved that little connection to cannon there quite a lot actually, heheh! I also like the fact that you named her friend Athena Greengrass... If you think about it, Astoria and Athena go together really well, so props for that connection too!! :)
This is a great first chapter, and the ending was terrific. I don't think you could have chose to cut it off in a more perfect place. You're very good at keeping one's interest, I'll tell you that! Because now, of course, I HAVE to keep reading to find out what she tells him, lol!! ^_~Author's Response: OMG you remembered! I almost forgot about it! How was NANO? I actually found the line Jesus Christ Bananas from the book Dreamcatcher by Stephen King (that book was AWESOME). Athena has this Sirius Black relationship with her family so I'm going to try to include some family drama. and I'm REALLY glad you liked it! Report Review
I found this little one-shot to be quite adorable, because I think that Ron & Hermione make the cutest couple. I think the way that you wrote the two of them together here was totally believable. Both of them were perfectly in character, which made this feel almost like it was right out of one of the books! And the flash-back of their wedding night was a brilliant touch. It sounds like they had a very romantic wedding! I'm so glad that you have them moving next door to Harry & Ginny too, I thought that was a nice touch. *sigh* What can I say? I'm a sucker for happy endings, lol! I hope you did well in the challenge, cuz this one-shot was GREAT! =)Author's Response: Thank you so much! This review just made my week! I appreciate that you liked it and I'm so glad you thought they were in character! Report Review
Hello, I'm back again!! (Oh, and I guess I don't mind it if you call me Yoshi, lol! My username on the forums id different tho... It's RoxiMalfoy...)
"I don't Exist" (Rotfl!) OMGosh, I had a friend back in Middle School who used to answer "I exist" every time they called her name for attendance, lol, and that just reminded me of her! :)
Ok, so I read this chapter last night before I went to bed, and I was too tired to leave a satisfactory review back then... So here I am, back today!! Anyways, I did have some small errors to point out to you then, but I can't seem to find any of them now. Sorry! I think with a quick read-thru tho, they shouldn;t be too hard to spot... ^_^'
Oh dear, Lucy certainly is making a name for herself there, isn't she? Poor Scorpius!! You can't help but laugh at him, lol! But still, I hope he doesn't stay mad at her forever... I had a feeling the poem was going to be about Rose tho, before she even read it. Either Rose or her, lol! Oh dear, it would have been REALLY awkward if it had been about her, lol!! -_-'
All in all this chapter was pretty good; probably my most favorite so far! I really like how we got to see a lot more of all the characters personalities! I think Raven is really starting to grow on me, lol! I can't wait to see what Lucy gets herself into next!! =)Author's Response: Ah! I recognise you now! Well, Yoshi/Roxi, hi again :D
REALLY! Ah, sorry, that made me do a bit of gasping and pointing at the computer screen there. You know a real life Brooding Nameless One! How did the teachers take that? Not well, I presume, unless they just got used to it.
Aww, I'm glad you came back to leave a review! Eh, small errors seem to be my forte. I sit and write and proofread about five hundred times and they still slip through. I'll have a look again if I ever re-edit these chapters, but I'm pretty keen to just bash on ahead with this so I can get it up ASAP (:
Oh, gosh, so awkward that the universe itself would have imploded under the weight of the awkward. Nah, I think Scorpius' main concern is Rose right now, or, rather, trying not to have a panic attack every time anyone so much as thinks about her. He'll get over Lucy's hijacking of the poem. I expect Gwendoraven's made him put up with much, much worse!
I love writing Gwendolyn/Raven, although her name is one whole heap of difficulty to type. She's good fun :P
Thank you very much for the review!
PS. Report Review
Hello!! First off, let me apologize for taking so long to get back here and review the 2nd chapter. I seriously had every intention of reading this after I snagged you last night... The problem: I fell asleep at my computer at 5:00 in the morning, lol! *headdesk* (and I mean that quite literally, haha!) FAIL!! XD
So anyways, here I am today, wide awake and ready to continue reading this interesting little story of yours!! OMGosh, I absolutely love how their nickname for McGonagall is McG, lol!!! That made me laugh every time they said it!! =)
Julia really seems to know her stuff doesn't she? Goodness, I can't imagine the amount of research you probably had to do to write all that... It did get a bit -er- wordy towards the end there, but I understand that it's all necessary. The only thing I would suggest is that, when she is telling him all of that, maybe break the paragraphs up some. Like, instead of having 1 long paragraph, make it into 2 smaller ones.
Take this paragraph for example:
"The blood types identified by Muggles are A, B, AB and 0. The blood type indicates which antibody a person has on the surface of their erythrocytes, which are more commonly known as red blood cells, meant to deliver oxygen to bodily tissues," the girl said and took a sip of her coffee. "There is also another system of blood group classification - it is called the Rh blood group system. Individuals that have the Rh factor, the most immunogenic D antigen of the Rh blood group system, are defined as a 'positive' group and the ones that do not are the 'negative' blood group. This factor was discovered in 1939 by doctors Philip Levice and Rufus Stetson, but later - in the 1990's - their work was re-tested in our laboratories and the results were quite interesting."
You could easily break that up by starting a new paragraph right there after she pauses to take a sip of her coffee. You don't have to, of course, but you might start losing people half-way through it if you don't. I myself found it somewhat difficult NOT to skip to the the end of that paragraph... I even caught myself skimming over parts of her speech sometimes, and had to go back and re-read over it several times to understand it because of that...
Sorry if I'm being picky. I really am just trying to help, cuz I do believe that it is a VERY interesting idea for a story! I really don't want to see you lose reads over something that is easily fixable... So if you just edit some of those longer, more bulky paragraphs, I really do think that it'll make it much more easier for people to read!
I mean, this has definitely caught MY interest, that's for sure!! I am highly curious right now as to how she disproved that theory. It all sounds very fastening! And ooohh, I wonder if this man is one of those guys who the blue jay saw talking in the forest?!? Must read more to find out I guess, haha! :)Author's Response: Firstly, thank you for such a LONG review! And I fell asleep at my computer a few times during this year's HC too, so don't worry, you're not alone on that!
Julia is quite the scientist. She does tend to talk a lot about the medical aspect of things, but I'll try to make it a bit, well, boring. Maybe putting in some questions from Mr. Brent or making him interrupt her monologue...? I'll try to figure something out!
And thank you for complimenting my plot idea! It means the world to me to see that people like it, because things like Julia's monologues can easily be fixed. So thanks a gazillion for pointing that out!
And you might on to something there... But I can't tell you what it is!!! xD Report Review
Aww, I love how Teddy reacted to Faerieland! I also love the way you described it that day. You are really good at descriptions and painting a picture with your words, you know? So I'd like to see more description and imagery like that in the future! -_~
Their banter back-and-forth on the was there was so cute! I really like how he seems to understand her. Their relationship keeps getting stronger, and you really do have a way of showing that off beautifully! I love it that he writes to her while he's away at school, how sweet! :)
Another thing I really liked about this story is how short and sweet your chapters always are. It really does make for a refreshing quick read when your in between jobs and only have a few minutes to spare, lol. ^_^'
I'm adding this story to my favorites and cannot wait for an update!!
10 outta 10 for all the cuteness, lol!!! =)Author's Response: THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! You have NO idea how flattered I am right now. Imagery and dialogue are usually my favourite things in a story, so I'm glad mine worked out!!!
... I love Teddy. Just saying. Yeah. :)
Thanks so much for the awesome review!!!
p.s. sorry for the LOOONG wait for a response... :P Report Review
And again, another sweet chapter! I really liked the progression in this. Like, you can tell how the characters have matured from the prologue. I mean, they're still sweet and innocent little kids, sure, but you wrote them in such a way that you can definitely tell that 5 years have passed. For one thing, Teddy seems to be past the whole 'girls have koodies' stage now, lol! And for another, Victoire seems like she's a lot more acceptant of her surroundings. :)
The only thing I would suggest is that you move that author's note to the end. Is it funny that Teddy gives her a Teddy, lol! But having that side-note there is a distraction form all the cuteness that is your story! So maybe you could move it to the very end, and then perhaps expand the not to ask people what they think/thought about your story... Just a suggestion.
Hmmm... I wonder what Teddy will say when she takes him to her special place? Guess I'd better read the next chapter to find out, haha!! =)Author's Response: I did move the author's note, which was in there by accident and I hadn't even realized! Thanks for pointing it out!
Glad you enjoyed this!
-krazyboutharryginny Report Review
OMGosh, that little girl in your chapter image is so CUTE!! Oh, and I loved the sparkley banner, lol!
Well, first of all, I really love the title of this story! The summary is pretty unique too! I love how sweet, innocent and imaginative she is at 5 years old... Children are so adorable at that age, lol! This is a very good start. Short, sweet, and simple, but done in such a way that it captures one's interest! I love it! *Clicks Favorite Button* =)Author's Response: Thanks so much! That really means a lot!!! Glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
Oh, I'm so glad I snagged you now, lol -_~
This is a great start to what I'm sure is going to be an even greater story! I really like the idea of Teddy going into an exchange program. I find your writing style to be rather unique, and I love how you've used a blue jay in the woods to reveal that scene to us there at the end. That was definitely original!! I think your characterization of Teddy was very well done. Boys, it's so typical of them to ALWAYS be thinking about Quidditch, lol! But I really love it that Teddy gets to be the Captain!! =)
I did find one (possible) error, right here:
"So, Professor, you mean that I'm supposed to skip my second-to-last game ever at Hogwarts ever to go to some... Some school I've never even heard about?"
-- There's an extra 'ever' in there that needs to be removed. The sentence will work with the word there in either place, but I just don't think works by being in there twice. ^_^'
So now I am really wondering who those 2 guys in the woods were, and who this new girl is... Like I said, I think this story is off to a great start, and I cannot wait to see where it goes! =)Author's Response: I'm glad to have been snagged! ;)
Thank you for such a kind review! I'm glad that you liked my story and that the mysterious scene proved to really be mysterious!
And I'll get to correcting that mistake in my nearest editing spree. Whenever that comes. :)
Thanks for taking the time to read and review! Report Review
Your stories (from what I have read so far) always seem to be so simple, and yet so very cute and sweet at the same time!! I really, really like your writing style! Again I will say, I really admire the way you write these romance stories, Erica! :)
I love how this story pulls the reader right in, right from the very first line. Your attention to detail is absolutely amazing! It painted such a beautiful picture in my mind, and I felt like I was right there with them. You should seriously consider expanding this into a longer story. I'd really like to know where they end up going, and also how their friends and family handle the news of them just up and leaving like that, lol! I think it would make a fantastic short-story, at the very least... Maybe even a Novella!! :)
I especially liked this beautiful piece of imagery right here:
"They looked beautiful together; like two pieces of a puzzle that fit against each other perfectly."
Wow! Now that is some serious quality writing right there, lol! You really do have an amazing talent. I am officially a fan-girl now, lol! XD (Hope that's not too creepy or anything, teehe!!)
Oh, and I did find one typo in this sentence right here:
"He was the only man Victoire had ever loved and she was sure he was the only would she would ever love." You might want to consider rewording that line, but other than that; this one-shot was flawless!!! Another 10/10 - GREAT work Erica!! =)Author's Response: Thank you so much! This is an amazing review.
Many people have requested that I expand this. I'll have you know it's being considered. Actually, if anything, I think I might write a prequel instead of a sequel. Like a novel length prequel of how they got to this point. But, I make no promises! (because I'm evil and all that).
That's not creepy. That's AWESOME.
Whoops! Nice catch. No one has mentioned that yet. I'll edit it that ASAP.
Thank you for the review(: Report Review
Oh wow, Erica, that was breathtaking! You really seem to have a way with writing those romantic love scenes. I've never really been that good at writing the romance stuff, you see... You could totally tell that there were some Bella/Edward aspects to Scorpius and Rose's relationship, but at the same time it wasn't too overdone. In other words, it wasn't too Twilighty, lol! I mean, I could totally see Scoripus (given that he is Draco Malfoy's son) acting in that way. It was very believable and very beautifully written! I really liked it a lot. Your attention to detail was incredible, and your grammar seems to be near perfect as well!!
This totally deserves a solid 10 outta 10! =)Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much! I'm just glad to have entertained you with my writing. Your compliments mean a lot to me(: Report Review
Hello! I'm back again, finally, to read chapter 2!!
I must day, I really like Scorpius and Lucy's relationship so far. All of the awkward situations between them were perfect, and not too overdone at all. Great job! :) And nearly ALL of their dialogue made me laugh, but this part right here was one of my favorites:
"Why is your head blue?"
"I'm an artist! Why is your head not blonde? And why were you wearing glasses?"
"Well usually when people can't see..."
"I get the idea."
That really cracked me up, lol! There are a few errors I can see there tho. First; I think there should be a comma in between blonde and And, rather than a question mark, to make it all one sentence so that you're not starting it with 'And'. Second; after 'can't see..." I think the dialogue might flow a bit better if you replaced the ... with a dash -- instead, then put another dash on the next line; in front of "I get", to show that she is interrupting him.
I could definitely detect a bit of Draco in Scorpius, especially in his sarcastic comments, but also in the way that she said he was a bit of a chicken. Hmmm. Scorpius Malfoy in skinny jeans... OMG, I think I would faint, lol!! I don't understand why he seems poor tho, when he is a Malfoy after all. Has he disowned his family of something? It that why he's dyed his hair and made himself unrecognizable, because he doesn't want to be associated with the Malfoy name anymore? Just wondering... But OMG, I still cannot believe that Lucy chose to dye her hair BLUE, lol! Good choice of color, haha! =)
I loved al the technical little details in this. You can definitely tell that you're writing from experience here. Either that or you did some SERIOUS research on the developing of film, but I'm guessing the latter is probably more accurate, no? I really love it when people write what they know, it always makes a story feel more natural, and this has a very definitive natural feeling about it that makes it all seem so very real. I cannot wait to read more!! I wonder what will happen when Lucy actually starts having feelings for Scorpius, lol!! This story is getting SO good, I love it!!!Author's Response: Aloha, Yoshi! I'm just going to call you that from now on, because I like the mental image of Yoshi from Mario reviewing my stories. :D
It's definitely awkward! Oh, so deliciously awkward and twisty that sometimes it's quite squeamish to write.
As for the little error type things, ooh, thanks for keeping me right! The dash would feel a bit more comfy there, yes. I guess with that sentence with the two 'and's in it that I was trying to get a bit of a stop-start feel to the sentence, hence the ! AND thing going on there, but I sound like a drama teacher right now and in terms of grammar you're right, so I'll shush up.
Here's an explanation of Scorpius' poor-nosity. I'm one for the theory that the Malfoys would not have exactly got away scot-free after the war. Channeling my Inner Eye here, I'm going to say that they probably had some hefty fines for being all Death Eater-y and stuff, and probably Lucius might have faced prison again, at least. It was only Narcissa who did something good in the end. Draco got punched in the face by an invisible Ron. Ron FTW, but, yeah, I saw them being a little hard up after the war. No mansion, a bit less on the inheritence, etc etc. That's my theory anyway.
Plus Scorpius is a student. It's just a sort of rule that you are poor if you're a student. Plus his only job is playing piano for a crap avant-garde band, so...
He's dyed his hair to stop Rose from recognizing him in the street, because that Malfoy platinum is very, very noticeable (: all the hair dye gubbins shall become clear in a later chapter though.
BLUE! It's a good colour. I was going to dye my hair blue this summer, but then it would have seriously clashed with the blonde eyebrows. Not a good look. Lucy's probably got that look though, seeing as I cast her out as a blonde...
Yes, this is all experience ^^ ahha! Although it's experience of what is really just me and a few mates hanging out with an art teacher at lunchtimes to be unsociable, and it's not like I know the proper names for stuff. Most of the time I just point at them or say 'the yellow thing'. The Enlarger is, sadly, called an Enlarger though.
When Lucy has feelings for Scorpius, it'll be a glorious mess. Not even kidding. Even I'm a bit freaked out by my plot diagram. I think there's only one more 'Dark Room' scene scheduled though, if anyone was thinking that that was like the Art School equivalent of a broom cupboard, because it's not (:
Thanks for the lovely (and very in depth!) review! Woah, you put lots of thought into that! :D
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Ok, I know I said I wouldn't mention it again, but whoa! Almost all of the paragraphs in this were grouped together, and were therefore very long throughout this entire chapter... Other than that though, I have no complaints. It was totally awesome!! :)
OMG, the part where she walked in on Sirius was hilariously awkward, and so much fun to read!!! I am STILL laughing about that, lol! And their plan seems very exciting and all, but I am curious as to who's things Hermione is planning on going through. My first thought was that it might be Lucius, but he'd of been out of school by then, so now I'm wondering if it isn't Snape she's planning on spying on... I hope she "finds out" about the Marauders Map and what the boys can do soon, lol!!
Oh, this is getting SO good!! I loved the ending line about her being his fake-girlfriend -- classic, lol!! Poor confused Hermione!! I really love this story so far!! PLEASE do update soon, ok? As a whole, I am giving it a 10 outta 10, for sure!!! =)Author's Response: Well, chapter five is about fifty percent complete, so hopefully the wait shouldn't be too long. Bizarrely, chapter six is about fifty percent complete too - my writing isn't the most linear!
Yeah, this chapter definitely needs an edit, paragraph length wise. Thanks for the heads up - I'll get round to it soon, adding some dialogue at the very least so my readers don't lose the will to carry on!
As for whose stuff she will be rifling through... well, that is to be discovered. You're right that it won't be Lucius' though. Also, would Snape really be a Death Eater at this point, given that he still has some small hope with Lily? Mwah ha ha! OK, it really isn't that exciting a plot twist, but I've gotta keep something hidden!
And yeah, if you think she's confused now... I forgot to say in the response below, but for all Lily and James fans, this is definitely the story to keep reading, though I'll admit that things might get worse before they get better!
Thank you so much for taking the time to do this - I really value your insight and encouragement! Report Review
"...as James launched into another debate with Remus about the possible meanings of 'no way in hell'.
OMG, I laughed out loud for like three minutes at this, lol!! That is SO typical Hogwarts-age James behavior, lol!! You really do do a great job with him!! =)
I like all the little details you've put in here; like the fact that Hermione gets along better with boys than she does girls. And yeah, I can see how the girls asking her which one of the guys she was planning to date could be a little awkward, lol! ^_^'
Loved the twist there at the end, and I really do like where this story is going... It's a very interesting idea, and a rather unique concept; to say the least! I'd really like to see more James/Lily tho; as I really do love those two, and I also hope that Hermione and Lily start to get along soon. It was very sad about her family tho, but I am glad that you created a back story here for Harry's grandparents.
Quick question; are you writing this for some kind of cliche contest, or is it just something you're doing for the sheer fun and enjoyment of it all? (Lol!) Either way, I'm glad you're writing it, because I am quite enjoy reading it, haha! Thank you SO much for suggesting that I review this one, cuz Idk if I ever would have found this story otherwise!! =)Author's Response: Hiya,
Yeah, this was for the cliche challenge - sadly it's ended now (and I still don't know who won) but the idea just sparked a huge and complex storyline, and I knew I had to write it. Personally, my challenge is to include all twenty or so cliches and yet still write something that feels somewhat original. Won't know how well I do until I finish, but it's great fun trying!
I'm glad you liked the twist at the end - not everyone has particularly understood it, but yeah, I really wanted to stress that she in no way is definitively going to get home. Dumbledore did in fact point this out in the first chapter, but only now is Hermione realising how risky it all is. I get her to muse on this further in chapter four - hope that bit doesn't seem like overkill!
Again, you've managed to pick out my favourite line from this chapter too, so utterly thrilled you liked it!
Thanks for reviewing all this, it's been really useful. Hope you keep reading even when the challenge is over, because you really help me see the things I'm missing, but without making me want to curl up and cry! Report Review
Hahaha, I LOVE that you made Hermione's new fake-name to be Emma Watson. I found that to be quite amusing indeed, lol!! =)
The story itself is really coming along now! I think that you are VERY good at characterizing all of the cannon characters, and I liked how you didn't just skim over Peter; as so many other Marauders stories do... I really like the new twins, and Leggy too. I cannot wait to get so know some of your OC's a little more!! :)
I did notice one little typo in Dumbledore's speech. It's right after he introduces Hermione, or shall I say Emma, to everyone else and she goes to sit down. In this sentence here; "As you all may be aware, there are many other matters or import at this moment in time." I think by 'import' you mean to say importance, right? I will also make the paragraphs suggestion once more; because some of the longer ones should probably be spilt onto 2 smaller ones. The first paragraph, for example, was one that I felt was a tad too long.
Also; at the beginning, when Dumbledore asks her what she is doing there and Hermione is thinking to herself, I think the part that is in italics should be one paragraph, and then when she starts to speak out loud, that should be another one. Those two things should be separate paragraphs each. It also happens again, somewhere in the middle, when she puts the disguise on. But I've always thought that anytime a person is thinking to themselves, it should still be treated as dialogue and therefore begin a new paragraph. I could be wrong about that tho...
And in between where he tells her that the start of term feast is about to begin, and where the next paragraph says: "the first of September, nineteen-seventy-seven", I think there should be a line-break placed there to divide the two scenes, instead of just a few extra spaces. I think the line-breaks always look better, and they give splits in the middle of a chapter a more differentiated feel between one part and the next. I hope you don't feel like I'm being too critical tho...
Sorry for bring so picky, I promise I won't be as much with the next two chapters, cuz I really don't want to become too repetitive here. I really do like this story, it is very interesting and I definitely cannot wait for Hermione to find out what the message she's supposed to give to Dumbledore is!!
This part here really cracked me up:
"Yup, just Lily and James, all alone in their own little tower," Anna pronounced solemnly.
"What could possibly go wrong?" Bella finished.
LOL!!! What a perfect ending to a great chapter!! I am officially adding this story to my favorites so I can keep track of your updates! So you should definitely keep posting, lol! =)Author's Response: Hiya.
Thanks again for the in-depth review - a lot of it really helps me see my writing more objectively, and thus improve on it. While I don't necessarily agree with every suggestion made (I'm kind of a fan of combining thought and dialogue as though the two are part of the same conversation, though at points I could do with spilting them for clarity's sake), the vast majority will at least be making me reconsider what I've got down when I next edit this.
As a point of interest, "import" is actually the word I meant, being both the antonym of export, but also a synonym of significance/importance. It's less commonly used, but that's why it seemed Dumbledore-y. However, the majority of the time the stuff is a typo, so do please keep letting me know!
I'm glad you liked the ending there - it took me AGES to work out how I was going to finish off the scene, as it's so... everyday, and so it's good to know that it's getting some positive feedback.
Thanks again for all the thoughtful comments - this is what helps writers like me improve! Report Review
Here I am to review for you, as promised! :)
I really liked how I was drawn right in from the very beginning. This chapter did a very great job of setting up the plot for what is to come. It was a little cliched, but not in an overly annoying sort of way, if that makes sence, lol! ^_^'
I think your Dumbledore was very much in character, the way he kept talking in riddles and such, (lol) but at the same time I think says "my dear" a bit too much. Hermione on the other hand; she was near perfect! I think it's very Hermione of her to accept the mission and sacrifice whatever may be to protect her family and friends.
I noticed a few missed commas here and there, but other than that the grammar and such throughout this looked pretty good. One thing I might suggest to you though, is to split up some of the longer paragraphs into two smaller ones. For example; the part where Hermione was looking around in Dumbledore's office could have easily been split into 2 paragraphs at the end of a few of those sentences. I think it makes it easier to read when the paragraphs are shorter, and it also helps the chapter to flow better as well.
My favorite part was when Hermione was like: "how could I when you're... well, you." I could totally see her saying something like that, lol. I could also see her not being all that confident in herself, at first, so good job!! =)Author's Response: Aww, thanks so much for this insightful and in-depth review. You've really encouraged me to keep going with this story, but also given me some useful con crit to process. I will definitely have a look at those longer paragraphs, and try and see how best to break them. I also agree with you completely on the "my dear" thing - when I'm writing I don't notice how often I use it, but on a critical re-read it's certainly too much. Will be giving this chapter a good edit in a week or so, and will look at making these changes then.
Thanks for the keen eye and the kind words! Report Review
I just read your blog about how you always see Scorpius look-alikes from your story in real life. I found it to be rather amusing, lol, and it made me want to check out your story. So I went to your page, found a link for it, and here I am! I must say that you are a very skilled writer. This quote, right at the beginning, was on of my favorites:
"Gasp. Shock. Horror. I know. Art school?"
Haha, I like her sense of humor already! So far, I am impressed with how strong Lucy's personality shines through. I love the fact that she stood up to her dad and followed her own dreams. I only found one little typo throughout this whole chapter, and that was in this sentence:
"It took everything - I'm not even kidding here - everything in my Gringotts account to get a flat I London." (I think you meant to get a flat 'in' London, not 'I' London.)
Overall, I found it to be a very nice intro for your story, and I cannot wait to read more! I am adding this to my favorites so I can keep track of your updates! I would also like to add that ohcrapidroppedmybrain (Constants) is incredibly awesome and all of her ideas are always so unique, lol! But you should also be confidant in your own ideas, cuz from what I've read so far, they really are wonderful! :)Author's Response: Really? A favourite quote? Gosh, that's, erm, wow. My vocabulary has been quite exhausted today, so you'll have to put up with me 'gosh and wow'ing all over the place.
And, woo, get Lucy! Sticking it to the man! Manning it to the stick! Or whatever takes your fancy, to be honest. Ahh, in later chapters I doubt she'll live up to that rebel yell thing.
Oh, and I know about the typo, don't worry (: There shall come a day when I'll blaze through this story and edit it to damnation, but right now I'm just trying to motor on and get it written. Even though I've already started a sequel, and I'm only on chapter six of this one right now. I'm bad with the whole willpower thing ):
Thank you very much! I'll be sure to check out ohcrap...brain (sorry, it's one long username) as to your recommendations (:
Thanks for the lovely review! :D
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