Hmm I liked it a lot. I thought it was well thought out and the love between Hermione and Ginny was well written and believable, but I don't know about the ending. It's a little disturbing that cheating and being gay could get you sent to Azkaban. That's really horrible. But JK never discussed what would happen so I guess it's possibile. Also you might want to be careful this site doesn't really like mature slash (or even het) stories, so back your stuff up. Report Review
As always my favourite Ocs remind me of me. Accident prone, intellient, but awkward about it. Granted, she is a clone of Hermione, but that's okay. This story is very witty and well-written. So far the charactors are all canon and I love the dialogue. Although Draco had only a small part, I adored it. Love at first sight, is it? Well, it's rather sweet. I like the description and even though it's moving fast, I like the why Harry's acting. It's darkly romantic.
Error: “Did you loose something?” Loose should be lose. Author's Response: Ha ha cute ^_-. I'm glad you find everyone in cannon and Rylie interesting. It is darkly romantic.. that sums up the story VERY well. ^_- Report Review
The opening was very good. It compells the reader to know what all this "nonsense" is about. The descripions you provide paint a crystal clear picture in the readers mind allowing them to experience the story in full. The emotions are delightful and I like how you don't tell who the charactors are right away. "flash of red hair" at this I thought of Ginny, but than I remembered this is an OC he is referring to. The words are so beautifully woven together that it makes the read much smoother and faster. The writing style is impressive. What kind are pain is he experiencing? It can't just be emotional. The part with Lucilia's brother and his goon was a little corny. See if you can change the wording on this to make it more professional. Why would she say that to her brother after what he did? It was very good, but I hope you explain some things in future chapters. Author's Response: Of course I will explain things in further chapters, although things will remain ambiguous for the time being. I promise things do eventually weave together to make sense ^_- Thank you for the compliments. Report Review
You need to corret: selfidh. And I think "I’m not used to answer so many questions" should be "I'm not used to answering so many questions. This story is very well descriped which paints a clear picture for the reader. I loved the opening scene with the gargoyle. That was very creative. I actually like new charactors! Me! I never imagined Albus having relatives, especially not one this attractive, but that makes this story more interesting. It's believable and I like all the magic in it. Author's Response: Thanks. I couldn't type to save my life, and English not being my mother tongue, I do make some grammar errors.
I'm glad you thought it was descriptive enough. And if you like new characters, well, you'll see that there are quite a lot of them in that story, along with all the canon characters. And we're having a lot of fun writing them all! We knew Albus had a brother... but he might have distant cousin too, who knows? hehe.
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked the first chapter. :D
Anne Report Review
This sentence is awkward. "What do they know how to survive among real people?” howabout-"Do they know how to survive in the real world?" All people are real unless they are machines...This is surprisely believable, unlike most Draco/ pairings Luna is a pureblood so there's more common ground between them. In addiction this was the first Luna/Draco story I've read. The problem is he was making fun of Ravenclaws and isn't she in that house? Also she's a little crazy for him? Canon Malfoy would tease her, but that's neither here nor there. Moving on: I thought this was descriped excellently and the set up was slow. I liked that because it didn't just throw the reader into the situation. I like the scene where Draco is talking to himself. It seemed a little off that Luna was that emotional, especially in front of him. She should have kept her tears in longer, perhaps you should make her say something like, "I understand." Before hurrying to her dorm where she could cry there. Spelling alert: She wiped something away from her checks. It should be cheeks. It was a little mushy, but I guess I'm not really the valentine type. Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
It bothers me that Draco would co-operate so easily. It doesn't seem like him. He's cleaning and being nice to the house elves. He should at least make a few crude remarks. The suddeness of Hermione losing her parents was a nice twist and well...frankly quite tragic. I'm assuming this is going to make her seek comfort in Malfoy. The manor was descriped very well, it gave me a clear picture of it. Other than the OC-ness of it, I think the storyline is good.Author's Response: Well, it is explained in the story as to why Draco is different... Thanks;) Report Review
This was grand, mate. For something that was out of your realm you wrote it so beautifully. It was full of passionate and the interactions between them were inimate. It's descriped in a poetic way that makes it a smooth read. It was detailed in such a way that leaves me thinking about it well after I'm done reading it. Although you don't realize it, light slash is one of your talents and you deserve so many more reviews for this. Report Review
I think you need to fix this—“Auror? Death Eaters? Voldemort? What are those?” I asked, feeling very confused. Some reason the word Voldemort made me feel very angry, violent, and sad. Why though? Damn memory loss!” She didn't say all that out loud so why are their thoughts at the beginging and end? You need to watch your quotation marks. You need to begin Never mind with a quotation mark. I'm not trying to be picky, it's just confusing. Add you to this sentence, “How do remember all that?”
There were a lot of errors in this chapter, but the storyline is good. I like Hermione, she's very canon. I also loved the description of her apartment, sounds like my room. And the different kinds of amnesia were cool. Did you research that or make it up? I'm curious because I have a story about it.
Author's Response: I'll go back and fix that right now! Thank you soo much for all the useful advice! And don't worry, I'm picky about grammar/spelling in other peoples stories too. It's an important thing to be worried about.
I'm glad she's canon! I'm always worried about having people out of character. And my room is like that too. I like it that way. I don't think I could stand it if it was neat all the time.
As for the amnesia, my grandfather is a doctor, so I gave him a call and asked him about it. It was very helpful. Cool! Is it posted? Because if it is I'd like to check it out sometimes. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Don't make her pant, it seems dog-like. Fix—wiping away the sweat (that)the covered my arms and kneck. Change my to me in the first paragraph. In second paragraph hear should be here. The front lady? Maybe it should be the receptionist. In the last sentence it should be regain. Other than the simple mistakes it's an interesting plot, one that I haven't read before. I've been thinking about writing a story with Granger as a healer myself. The description is good, but it needs more detail to pad it. I hope you descripe the new charactors more and put some meat on their bones. Author's Response: I guess, but I'm one of those horrible runners, and I pant a lot, especially if I run for a long time. So to me, her panting was a symbol that she had been running for a long time.
I'll go back and fix that when I get the chance. I've always been horrible at catching my spelling mistakes, so thanks for helping out! ^_^
I have to say (and I don't mean to brag) that I have always been very good at coming up with plots and twists. It's just the writing part I'm not so good at. I've always been horrible at detail, but I am slowly improving. I am only 13 after all. Report Review
Your writing has improved a lot over the chapters. There was more description and drama here. Two of my favourite things. Harry's way of torturing Malfoy was realistically protrayed and I loved the way he reacted toward it, hiding out in the back of the shop! This story has grown on me. I think you need to fix this sentence—"We agreed to end it, so don’t through(do you mean throw?) it all on my shoulders!”
I'll ponder Draco's final words too. *wink* Update soon.
Author's Response: I'm glad you like it. Thank you for reviewing it! One of my friends (the one I basically wrote this for) thinks I need to write more, but if you have any ideas of where I could go with further chapters, let me know, because I'd really love to write more. Thanks for pointing out that grammar mistake. I'll go in and fix that right away. Thanks again for reviewing!
Cara Nicole Luvitz Report Review
The Weasley's twins are almost in canon (especially in dialogue) the thing is they might be more mad at Draco now that he isn't with Harry. They would be protective over Harry and blame Draco for the break-up. Or at least that's my opinon. (I'll be quiet now) On the plus side this, "Let me save you all those years of waiting by saying this—I’m never coming back,” is one of the best quotes I've read in awhile, very Harry and emotional. That was a very good ending. This chapter had a lot more intensity and I like the way you protrayed Ginny. I can't wait to find out why they broke up, I hope you explain that. Report Review
This is a story of forbidden lust, am I right? Meaning they shouldn't hug. I know you want things to move rapidly, but this could be much better if you had build-up. They shouldn't be so excepting of their feelings, they should fight it...they should loath themselves for thinking such thoughts. In addiction I don't think Harry would address Malfoy by his first name. Another bit of advise, Ron wouldn't be the first to support Harry's decision to be gay. I think he would be creeped out by it and also mad at Harry for never telling him. Other than that, I thought this was a very nice bit of slash fluff. The part about "wizards want their powers to carry on" was very interesting, I've never seen it used before. I hope you add more to that in future chapters. Like Malfoy's father finding out and freaking out! Report Review
The brunette one? The phase is awkward, it makes it sound like a dress. Change it to brown-haired girl or the girl with brunette hair. This is descriped quite well, although I think the settings could be more detailed and some of the word phasing is confusing. I liked the dialogue between Hermione and Draco, very formal. A little overly romantic, but isn't that the part? It has it's flaws (not enough detail on how they came to like each other) but it's a one-shot which means everything had to move quickly so I understand. Author's Response: Thanks for the review and the CC ~~juls Report Review
The only thing that bugged me was the spacing. It only needs to be double spaced, hon. And when using italics you should not leave in your story. It takes away some of the enjoyment...makes it choppy. But back to the actually story; very good. It was well decrisptioned and you're building it up slowly which I like because then the charactors grow on you. I don't think Draco would be that willing to go with her, I agree he would save her life, but he wouldn't be polite about it. He should be resistent in going, she should talk him into it. That part didn't seem quite as good as it could have been. By the way, he's not really free. Being in a witness protection program is not free. Nevertheless, this is interesting. I think you should work harder in future chapters to keep the intensity up and the OC down. Author's Response: Well, he is OC because of what happened to his mom and also what happened to him in the cottage. (which is described in later chapters...) ;) Thank you so much. I will be working on the spaceing...but I just can't get it figured out! Report Review
Michelle's little miss perfect isn't she? I think it would be more interesting to give her a few flaws...(in my opinon it's a little strange for everyone to like her) It seems to be moving too fast. I've never imagined Cedric sleeping with Cho right away, maybe they could get to know each a bit more. Also I don't think Hermione would say this-“I can’t believe you will still buy them candy even though they are screwing each other on the train,” It seems to crude for her. You should try to make this more canon. It's very Oc. Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
Change 'in' to 'on' in the first paragraph. This sentence is awkward: “Ced, how am I, your best friend in the (whole)entire universe, suppose(suppost) to help you if you won’t tell me who it is?” The chapter titles are a little long...maybe you can shorten them. This is cute and very different than what I'm used to reading. In a good way of course. Maybe you should add more magic otherwise it's going to turn into a highschool drama about relationships.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
In the first paragraph I think it would be better phased as: She discovered (or realized) that she was lying on her back. You're a talented writer. Hermione's greif was convincing. The paragraph about all the things she wouldn't be able to do with Ron again was sad. The emotion is raw and so far everyone is acting canon. Nicely done. Author's Response: Thanks again for another great review! And I think you're right about 'discovered' or 'realized.' I think "gathered that" might be some local-speak from where I grew up. Hehe. I want to convey the idea that she didn't know exactly what was happening or where she was, but she put the clues together and realized it. Hrm. (o: Thanks for the suggestion!
And thanks again for the compliments. It is my desire that this story will come across as full of raw emotion and grief. So I'm glad that Hermione's was convicing thus far. I'm sure it would be devastating for both Harry and Hermione if this were to happen, but probably a bit devastating in different ways...
I'm glad every one is acting canon so far. Please keep letting me know about this! (o: Thanks again! Report Review
That was a really good introduction. The way Hermione desperately wanted to help Harry was very canon. The battle scene was nicely descriped, enough detail to give the reader a clear picture, but not so much that the story was blogged down with it. Author's Response: Thanks for the comments and compliments. I appreciate it! And I'm really hoping that my characters are very canon. Please continue to let me know about this! And I'm glad the battle gives readers a good picture. (o: I worry sometimes. It seems so clear in my head, but will it be to my readers?
Thanks! (o: Report Review
It's hard to explain in words how much I enjoyed this. It's more of an expression thing (if you could see my face) All through this I had this small smile of amazement. I found it oddly believable for many reasons, they were protrayed with such depth, the dialogue between them was witty and tense. My favourite quote was - "Seeing as you were obviously out after hours shagging every girl in the school.” A malicious smile curled onto the Slytherin’s lips. “Or guy.”
That was brillent. I could easily picture Snape saying that. The protectiveness Sirius had over Remus was very well written...Do I sense jealiousy? Everything was descripted beautifully. At first I thought this was going to be a slow read because of the lengthy word count, but I read it extremely quickly. I love well written slash. It's hard to come by.
This was an excellent second chapter. The dialogue was witty and charming. In all the other stories I've read Pansy is an annoying, silly girl. You've changed my mind about her. The story moves quickly, but is still full of description. I think professor Mcgonall should have a chat with Snape after his display of favoritism. The whole potion scene was delightful. I enjoyed every moment of it. You phrased everything so well and kept the pace up, making me eager to read more. I don't think Draco would purr. And if he does that's disurbing. The way you write Malfoy makes me shiver. Wonderful, mate. Author's Response: Another one? *faints, then gets up* Thanks so much, 'Ever Lasting Nightmare'. You're spoiling me!!
Yes, I tried to make Pansy appear more human with a kind of sad streak to her.
I'm so happy you thought that it moves quickly because I wanted the pace to be quite fast and I'm glad it was.
As to description, I was never a big fan of it, but after practising more, I thought I would try again.
Oh yes. Damn it, that would have been good. It could have raised the tension with readers. Oh well, maybe next time, or as this site allows us to do (Yey, go HPFF!) Um, yes. Anyway, I can go back and edit some things.
I'm so pleased you liked the potion scene. I loved writing that!! Blaise could have killed the trio!!
You don't think Draco would purr? I agree in JK's books. No way! But in this? Defenitely. He's meant to be an over-obsessed/nearing towards the phrase 'pyschopath', but not quite. I know he's not in canon, but believe me, it is deliberate. There is one thing I have written that might be deemed as canon, which is a one shot I wrote called 'A Cut Above The Rest.' Draco is his normal sneering self, but not overly evil. Apart from his last words. lol.
No, no, no, you're wonderful for reviewing!!
x :) x Report Review
This was a pleasent read filled with unqiuness and magic. I haven't read to many stories about Luna, although I am quite fond of her. It seemed quite harsh of Snape to take away that many points from Ravenclaw, very canon. *wink* Another of the reasons I fancied this story, (there are many; realistic sexual thoughts, descrptive passages) was because it is one of the few lesbian stories on the site. It takes courage to put it out there and that's why I liked it so much. Simple mistake=girlhad. Put a space between them. The only person not in canon was Draco. Unfortunately your story can't make him act canon because than it wouldn't work. The only person he's in love with is himself. He would never compliment her. See if you can make this paragraph more believable, but I doubt it. Fix this-Oh, why couldn’t be dreams be real...Oh, why couldn't dreams be real. Other than that I didn't see any mistakes.Author's Response: Wow, that is one of the chunkiest reviews I've ever had!! You're so kind.
Yeah, there aren't many stories around on the net about Luna. I think the only other one I found was something Unicorn Girl has written. That's in my favourites if you'd like to read it. :)
Fantastic!! Thank you. I always worry whether or not someone is in canon. It's definetely one of my biggest flaws. Thanks for saying you thought he was written in character, means a lot.
Yes, it did take a lot of courage, but I felt I just had to say something to people, maybe try and change their opinion about female/female sexuality. There's nothing wrong with it. Of course, some will still have their strong beliefs against it, but me? I hate prejudice . . . . of any kind.
Whoops, grammer fault. I'll sort that, thanks!!
Ah yes, Draco. As much as I love him, he is the one person who I can never (how hard I try, and believe me I've tried, lol) get into character. In my other fics, I always tend to make him quite, um, evil but that's because I enjoy writing him like that.
But yes, in this story, Draco would have been particuarly difficult to place as canon because he is so entirely different in this fic, as you pointed out, because it wouldn't work. Then again, in the sixth book he does seem to show affection for her, but maybe that was for his own pleasures, nothing more. I just thought it would be fun to do an over-obsessed portrayal, and see what happens. Well, it's nearly four months later and I've finished this fic now. Turned out ok. (I hope!! Lol!!)
Oh, and thanks for more of the grammar mistakes.
I loved this review so much.
Thanks 'Ever Lasting Nightmare'
I am SO checking out your stories!!
x :) x Report Review
My favourite part was her saying no and choosing her own fate. The description for the ball was not overly detailed, but enough so that you had a picture in your mind, but still let your mind roam. This was written well and I liked the comments about a muggle movie. Although it was a one-shot I felt it had depth and emotion. Another thing I liked about this story was the unqiueness of the pairing. This was a good and different read. Nicely done. Author's Response: Awww...thank you! Although I'm going to apply in the edited changes I had to make for this fic, I'm glad it still stood without the edits. :-) I liked that part, too-I wanted to make a realistic Snape/Lily, since though I believe Snape has had feelings for her, I needed to come up with a way to get Lily to go with him. Do you think I should have added more detail in the ball scene? Ah, well, I'm just glad you liked the picture in your mind! I wanted to make that comparison, but I knew it had to mention the fact that it was "muggle", since although Lily is muggleborn, her life lies in the Wizarding World now. "A good and different read"...thank you, that really means a lot! :D
Thanks for taking the time to r&r! I really appreciate it and I like your penname too, by the way. Really glad you enjoyed!
-Anony_Mouse, :-) Report Review
In the first paragraph; change his to he. This was a nice change from the dark fanfiction I've been reading. The description was light and the interactions between Remus and his daughters were cute. I've never read a story where he had children. The only suggestion I have is making Tonks a little bit more canon, I'm not an expert on her, but she seems darker to me. Maybe she should have a secret. It's just a suggestion, though. Author's Response: Thanks for the advice on Tonks...I will keep your suggestion in mind when I continue to write! Thanks again for reading! Report Review
The vocabulary in this is professional and I adore the style. The opening scene lured me right in and made me eager to read more. I like the involvement of magic in daily tasks. (I always make my charactors do it by hand) You're portrayal of Hermione is unqiue, not so canon that she's boring, but also not extreme changes to her personality. The description is lengthy which I like. The dialogue between Hermione and her parents was very realistic. This reminds me slightly of my own story with her dreams crossing over into reality. Using pounds instead of dollars was excellent, especially since Harry Potter is in Britain. Are you British? My only suggestion is that you make the transactions between the scenes with Hermione and her parents more clear. For example when Hermione's parents are killed you should use ~~ at the beginging and end. Killing them was very unpredictable, nice twist. Another suggestion is making Hermione act more shooked, sad. The emotion for her parents death needs to be more raw. I didn't feel her pain like I wanted too or maybe she's just outraged right now. I loved the ending, the way the ring blinded her with maddness and the power to actually kill. Author's Response: You are straight on the mark about the scenes between Hermione and her parents and when she discovers their bodies. It doesn't really evoke any emotion and doesn't really live up to what I had hoped it to be. Of course, I did write that chapter in 2004, so I hope that the later chapters will satisfy you a bit more.
I do need to go back to that particular part, but I think that it will have to wait until I finish the fic (and/or summer comes) as I just don't have time to revise and complete more chapters at the same time.
Thank you very much for your indepth and thoughtful review. I hope you continue to read and review the remaining chapters as I am very interested in reading what you think of them.
Thanks again, *Eli* Report Review
Although I don't really care for marauders stories, I liked this one. The description is excellent, as is the grammar and spelling. It's humorous and full of realistic emotion. I could understand Lily's thoughts about her sister. I have a sister, and we're jealious of each other sometimes. This is impressive for your first start. I suspect it's going to be a little predictable because it's Lily/James, but at least it's cute and the inner thoughts give the reader an insightful look into each charactor's mind.Author's Response: i think this may be a little less predictable, and more of a shocker- namely because the Marauders werent competing for the same girl before. but youll just have to wait and see what ive got stored up my sleeve. it should proove to be interesting. and thanks for the review! it means a lot that you like my story enoug to review! thanks again! Report Review
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