Here I am - helping you to 200 reviews and supporting Claws in the mean time.
First off - ugh, your description! I know that we've encountered the Mirror of Erised in J.K's book, and even seen it in the films, but I still love your description. I wrote about it in one of my one-shots, but it is no way as good as is.
And that you've written about ghosts. I absolutely loved it in whenever J.K wrote about them - they've all got this amazing backstory that is so interesting to write about, just like you've done here. You usually see the Bloody Baron in one context - looking after Peeves (like you've mentioned in the chapter), and so this broken, fragile man/ghost is totally different. I love what you've done with the Bloody Baron, and the writing style you've employed for his 'POV' - older language, like behold and coronet, which really works.
Is The Bloody Baron meant to have Salazar's locket? It might just be my fazy horxcrux/house heirloom memory, but I like the touch. Slytherin, and all that.
Great first chapter, good luck getting to 200 reviews! What a milestone.Author's Response: A two-for-one deal! Thanks for helping me on the way to 200 reviews. I can't believe I'm actually approaching that milestone here, ahh!
I definitely enjoyed toying with the Mirror. It seems like if anyone could spend hours staring into the mirror and wallowing in regret, it would be a ghost, and the Baron specifically. I won't say that this is the last time you will see the Mirror in the plot.
It's cool that you enjoyed getting to know the Baron a little bit better and liked the writing style and the language. I didn't want it to be too old-fashioned, like thee-thou old, but I also didn't want it peppered with modern lingo. I think I struck a good happy medium.
Yes, that's the infamous locket. Later in the story, it is explained why he has it, but if you read on, I'm sure you'll piece it together. It has to do with why, of all possible people, the Baron was chosen to be Slytherin's ghost.
Thanks for this lovely review, Hattie :)
-Amanda Report Review
Hellooo! Itís HarrietHopkirk from the forums, finally hear to judge and review your entry for my challenge. Iím so sorry for it taking so long - the summer proved extremely hectic, what with work and exams and uni preparation and holidays and my questionable memory. But Iím so please that Iím here, Iím really enjoying reading everyoneís entries.
This is definitely interesting! This is the only entry that tells the story in present tense, and it definitely lends a different type of atmosphere - Iím not quite sure how, but it does, like everythingís a bit more threatening because itís happening now!
Darkness makes everything better Ė easier. It hides the colour of blood, red and vibrant, and just appears as a thick black mass. If you don't look for too long it could be water, and at a glance it could just blend into the pavement and appear to be nothing at all. Light's clever like that; it holds the key to perception and trickery and it makes you see things you wished you'd never have to.
-- I really like this description!!
And I really enjoyed Ted and Victoire's conversation and am really curious about who attacked her and the murders and everything! One thing I couldn't help but notice was how similar it is to a Muggle crime show! Is there anyway the procedures and dialogue could be... wizarded up a bit?
Overall I really enjoyed this... very dark, quite scary and so full of film noir tropes it is awesome! Thank you so much for entering my challenge! Report Review
Eeee! This is so impressive, I really enjoyed it!
And yes. Here I am. Finally. I am here to judge your story for my Film Noir challenge that I might have slightly abandoned back in the summer due to work and exams and the pressures of real life and my horrific memory and impressive procrastination ability. And I can say how happy I am to be here.
I was a little wary about reading a sexy!Voldy story, but you really captured Bellatrixís infatuation with him and, because of your writing, I could believe that Bellatrix would still love him as the handsome youth from Hogwarts (who I could easily fancy) AND the nasally-challenged snake-face of later years. The sensation itself was not unfamiliar; sheíd often closed her eyes and indulged her rare girlish tendencies when seated before him, listening to him speak of a world where he alone would reign.
You are very good at description - your various passages about Bellatrix's time at school and then her preoccupation with the darkness at Malfoy Manor were really well done, and allowed the reader to get the backstory and allowed you to show off your wonderful writing skills. I would have liked a bit more description of Bella and Voldy dancing - it seemed such a beautiful image, and while it was nice to hear her comparing him to her other suitors, I would have like MOAR. I tihnk itís because I donít usually associate Bellatrix with being graceful (thatís more Narcissa) so it was nice to see her be feminine and ladylike once in awhile.
I really loved their encounter - the dialogue was well characterised and flowed wonderfully (I particularly love how he simply batted away her attempt to learn about the Horcruxes). Both their obsession with the darkness and how you described it and used in this fic fitted them perfectly - especially the section with Bellatrix and the shadows. Gaaah, it just works so well with the film noir genre. Well done, well done.Author's Response: Hello there! What a pleasant surprise :)
First off, thanks so much for awarding me second place in the challenge! I had a lot of fun exploring the various tropes that are present in film noir and toying with a brand new style.
At the time that I wrote this, I had been wanting to try out Bellatrix/Voldemort for a long while. The challenge just seemed kind of perfect, but in a very backwards sort of way. Voldemort is supposed to be like the femme fatale, using his wiles to ensnare Bellatrix's heart and get her to comply with his plans. Bellatrix, then, is meant to be an odd sort of anti-hero, drawn into Voldemort and struggling to hold onto some shred of herself. I think part of her knows that he's disingenuous and self-serving, and yet she wants to be part of his plan so much that she sort of lets herself be lied to in the process.
I entered this in Susan's Figurative Description Challenge as well, which is why there's a lot of imagery in there. Then again, though, I frequently put a lot of imagery into my work. I'm happy it accentuated the story instead of taking over too much, which is something I continually worry about. I didn't want to play up the dancing too much; it was tough for some readers to grasp (romantic!Voldemort, I mean, even if he is using it to manipulate her) and I didn't want it to go on much past a strong, quick image. I can see wanting to explore an unusual characterization of Bellatrix, though, so perhaps I'll write more of that in if I choose to write her again (I wouldn't be surprised).
My thought was that by the time he got to the point, he would have her in his web, and she wouldn't pick at the Horcrux idea too much. I'm glad you liked how I executed that.
Thanks so much for your very kind review!
-Amanda Report Review
Hello! I know this is ridiculously late but Iím here to review this for the Film Noir challenge. I know. Iím stupid. I let work and summer get away with me and so I (sort of, maybe, ish) forgot about this. I feel very bad, and canít apologise enough. Also kudos for the Orson Welles.
Your descriptive language really is incredible. The whole reveal of Moody was handled really well, I really enjoyed reading it. The fog just added a great sense of atmosphere to the whole thing. One thing I loved was the description of Hogwarts - it is a dark place. Although it is a school (full of lovely children and innocence and what not), just think of all the murders and attacks that happens (especially when Tom Riddle was there, and then again with Voldy enacting his revenge on Harry). Your interaction between Hagrid and Moody was spot on - their dialogue was very well characterised.
Again with your descriptive skills! You have such a nice writing style that fits the genre beautifully. You say this is your first outing in film noir, but I donít believe you. Up and up, as though into the clouds, that hellish blackness that hung overhead, impenetrable, unyielding. He followed the staircases, halting only when they chose to shift their path, extending or shortening his journey at their weak, womanís will.
I loved the whole Dumbledore and Moody scene. Your characterisations in this chapter are spot on. Dumbledore being kind but firm, worried for McGonagall and then his twinkling smile at the end. Moodyís deductions were awesome - the memory about Hepzibah Smith, his ideas about the note and the quill. All amazing.
And the ending? Bringing to a close with a mention of the fog that is probably still whirling outside. Well done, a totally awesome chapter.Author's Response: Eee, thank you for reading and reviewing this! I was looking forward to your comments on this because this is my first time writing film noir and hardboiled crime fiction. It was a fantastic bonus to also win the challenge - I wasn't expecting that! ^_^
For the descriptions, I wanted to focus on how the story would look as a black-and-white movie, so there's very little colour unless it's fundamental to the narrative (or character), and there's also a lot more contrast between light and dark areas. Fog is a fantastic way to capture this style because of the way it obscures shapes in a strange, fuzzy light. As Moody's shadow emerges from the fog, it appears monstrous, menacing, yet he's also the hero - one far more clear-cut than most film noir heroes (while his methods for obtaining information aren't always by the book, he is firmly on the side of "good").
I love the idea of Hogwarts as the safest place in wizarding Britain, yet it's also a castle with many bloody secrets, including a basilisk hidden in the basement. It's an extraordinary juxtaposition and I couldn't resist emphasizing it here. :D
It is my first foray into writing film noir! The mysteries I've written so far are mostly humourous, somewhat playing off of film noir tropes, but they're never particularly deep nor complicated. I want this one to be a "real" film noir, with crazy twists and dualities. But I did watch a lot of film noirs before writing this for inspiration, and it looks like it was the right kind of research. ;) There's something amazing about writing very dark imagery, where anything commonly regarded as positive can be transformed into something hellish and twisted. The writing style is also something I'm having fun with because, while it's filled with elaborate descriptions, it still has to sound harsh and sharp. Finding the balance between concise, choppy sentences and intense imagery is a wonderful challenge!
Before I go on forever, I want to thank you again for the opportunity to have written something like this! It was a great challenge idea! :D Report Review
Hello! I know this is ridiculously late but I'm here to review this for the Film Noir challenge. I know. I'm stupid. I let work and summer get away with me and so I (sort of, maybe, ish) forgot about this. But this chapter was great! I really, really enjoyed your descriptive language and I canít wait to go on and see what happens next!
The beginning was amazing - really got the reader stuck into the story, with Harry waking up in the bed of blood and everything. Such wonderful description, again - I just want to know what happened! Whether he killed her, whether he was framed etc. Just a tip: I reckon that using Ďcrackí instead of Ďpopí for the apparating Aurors would make it sound more gritty (pop just reminds me of bubblegum and Iím pretty sure thatís not what youíre going for).
I like the introduction to Ron and Hermione! Just watch out that you donít lose the mood and the tension created with the beginning section. It was just a little too domesticated, but it ultimately grew more dark, which was great.
Ron, ever the heavy sleeper, awoke from the commotion and rubbed his eyes like a newborn baby as he looked at Hermione. I donít understand why Ron - if he was a heavy sleeper - would awake from the commotion. I suggest changing it, perhaps something more like Ďeven though he was a heavy sleeperí (I know that sounds a bit crappy, but hopefully you get what I mean).
I loved their interaction with Kingsley, however. Heís such an awesome character, and the eeriness of the Ministry halls late at night really added to the atmosphere. Great work. Some amazing film noir stuff here.
And the ending! Awesome! I reckon it was something to do with Draco Malfoy! Exciting stuff. Iím going to read the other entries in the challenge and then post the results on my blog, so look out for that. Thanks for getting involved... this was a great chapter! Report Review
Julia's writing about arghteestes again! What is she like! Well, very good at writing about arghteestes and all other things for a start! I really, really liked this.
I could connect to Lucy on many levels, especially the quietness thing (and this bit was written beautifully): The thing about quiet girls is that they are rarely as quiet as one thinks. There's a special kind of girl that dresses plainly and lives simply and does well in her own company. She has little need for others when she shares her mind with a foil within. There is always a part that wants to dress a little more outrageously, a part that wants to uproot the wallflower from the wall and be a bit more dangerous for a change. A part that wants to live a little, but never does. Being able to relate to her made the story all the more poignant, and made me root for her - I did a little fist-pump when she ripped up Victoire's face. Awesome.
Admittedly was a bit wary of the self-harming, but it wasn't overdone - in fact, you managed it really well, and it reflected an aspect of Teddy's rather disturbing personality (that he would focus on the scars rather than Lucy's [probably rather lovely] face).
BREEEZEBLOCKS! Love me some Alt-J.
And this story. Very noice.Author's Response: *slaps self on wrist*
Eee thank you! I'm glad you liked Lucy and, er, fist-pumped her ripping up of Victoire's face. For anyone skimming reviews instead of reading the story, I would like to assure you that it's not what you think.
Teddy is a bit of a creep, yep.
Thank you lovely! ♥ Report Review
Aaw Dobby and Regulus - I love their banter! And Dobby is just awesome. I love you've included minor characters as well like Dilys Derwent. And I can't wait for Lily and Severus to meet again.
Your writing is excellent, as always.
I was wondering whether the Kings Cross that Harry visits after he 'dies' is part of Cliodna's Clock/the world of the dead. I figured that the train, if Harry had left, would have gone to Cliodna's Clock?Author's Response: Minor characters are the best. ♥ Admittedly the cast of this story consists almost entirely of major characters - James, Lily, Severus, Tonks, Remus, Fred, etc. - but a couple of minor ones like Colin and Cedric become major characters here.
Aww thank you. ♥ I'm so happy you're still liking it so far!
Yep! If Harry had decided to board the train, this is where it would have taken him. One second he would be in King's Cross - the next he would be popping up out of the water next to the depot. Report Review
" But at the same time, there was a stab of aching loneliness, of being faced with the prospect that she was in the middle of open sea in a place too tangible to be imagined, all alone."
I loved that bit, but mostly I really enjoyed the introduction of Tonks and Remus (well, I say 'enjoyed', but I really mean 'got emotional about'). How they kept highlighting how Teddy was all alone now - gahhh stahp. I just thinking kept thinking of how we first met Tonks and all her stories and falling in love with Remus. Made me very emotional.
Even that description of Crabbe and his memory of the fire - it was so beautiful it almost made me feel for the guy, but then I stopped myself.Author's Response: I love how Tonks wears her heart on her sleeve. She knows what she wants and she just goes for it. I'm glad Remus got to experience love before death, too, even if their time together on earth was so short. But that's what the afterlife is for! Also because I just can't let go and didn't get enough closure with these characters. So here I am trying to give them that. Report Review
Eee!! This is exciting stuff. Obviously prompted by Gina's spoilers in the logs, here I am. And I don't know why I didn't get here sooner. This is awesome! I love everything - even the little details like Godric and his sonnets and Phineas and his portrait and the depot man.
I love it.Author's Response: Hattie I suck forever for taking so long to respond to your reviews. -hangs head- BUT I AM HERE ~
Godric and his sonnets. ♥ He's a diva. He likes to show off. The depot attendant was a personal favorite of mine. He's pretty sassy.
Thank you for swinging by and reading this, Hattie! I hope you like it. :) Report Review
I really liked it this! It shows great promise, and I like what you've done with the characters and I really want to see what happens next.
I would love to see a bit more description in your writing. You're very dialogue based, and I think you could take this story further if you cut some of the unnecessary dialogue (it's horrible to do, believe me... I had to do that with one of my own stories, and I was all like 'I NEED ALL THIS DIALOGUE' and had a minor breakdown) and replace it with a bit more description. Even if it's of the countryside of the train, or a bit more or Arianthe's emotions and backstory, but I think it would help with the flow and make it less dialogue-heavy.
Other than that, I really think this story has promise! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! Criticism is always welcome, and this is good stuff. I hadn't realized there was so much dialogue! :) :) I'll be sure to put some description in there, that's an important part of the story too. Report Review
I love, love the Every Word Counts challenge, and this one-shot. I love the concise writing, trying to get in backstory and emotions and characterisation into 500 words, and you've definitely been successful. Your imagery is awesome in this: Now, as he walks through the barren lands of Azkaban, where the slain lie hissing in their pits of frozen fire, he feels like a puppet prince, shoved on a pedestal and instructed to lead. Really, so pretty.
You've got Harry's humbleness, modesty and guilty; I love this picture of him visiting Azkaban and feeling bad about the lives he's ruined by imprisoning (but I'm pretty sure they ruined their own lives by joining Voldy in the first place).
Most likely, it is the smell of rot and decay and hate that smothers each surface like a long-festering parasite, dripping thickly off ledges and gathering like infective slime in the corners of the cells. Phwoarrr, love that.
Azkaban is a festering wound, a slain beast with ulterior motives, a pathogen in the newly-born and glorified world where the equal revel, and the less equal are ingested and vomited into this pit of blackened life-preservation. Sorry, this review has sort of turned into a quote-fest, but your writing is awesome! ♥
I always forget that J.K actually stated that the Malfoys survived and were not imprisoned - mainly because of Narcissa's actions, and the fact that they truly loved and cared for each other (a forgiving quality), but I love how you incorporated it here. So, so good. Really. Well done. Report Review
I really, really like this. I love me a bit of Albus/Gellert, and so I was really excited to read this!
Your descriptive skills are just fantastic, from the off: a cream sheet marred by slender black lines. Such beautiful stuff. I also love how you've described absolutely everything - the movement of his fingers, the surroundings, everything. It's small details like this that make the story and give such insight into the emotions of the character.
Just watch out for sentences that end in triples or lists. I do this all the time, and it really adds to flow of the story, but sometimes if used to often can get a little repetitive. Some of them are really pretty though, so I would only edit a few out :).
I love this bit: It is so familiar, his name written in that handwriting, the Ďlís looped and curved, running into one another, every letter linked, and it has become more familiar than before in the last few years, since the war started. Familiar and yet not familiar, because his name now always precedes a letter no longer excitable, from one friend to another, prolonging that dayís debate, but a plea, a string of arguments against his actions and those of his troops, begging, hollow words.
So, so, pretty. Really wonderful writing style.
I love the little touch with the ribbons and the letters, and the fact Gellert has kept them all. I love your characterisation of Gellert, the idea of the map, his plans for world domination, all so beautifully laid out in such excellent prose.
HE HAS A PHOENIX!
I love that you added in the section at the end with Albus - they both optimists, both equals.
GAH FEELS! Report Review
I liiike it
Love CedricAuthor's Response: Glad you liked the chapter! Report Review
Ah!!!1!!!11!!! Wot r they goin to do? Ron and mimi arnt togetha!! they cant make out which iz why i read fanfic lol lol xP
I liked this chapter very much also, a bit more than the first, I think - I love me some Ron - but both were sublime. I very much enjoy reading your writing, because you are very good at it.
Lots of love,
sedrik [xx*]Author's Response: Very much appreciated -- thanks, Hattie! Report Review
I just want to say that this is a wonderful start to your story - and such a clever idea, having Harry die by simply deciding to get on the train with Dumbledore, rather than in some massively convoluted manner involving some other people.
Your writing style is also very nice. In fact, it is spectacular - the image at the ending is haunting and perfect and menacing and grrr...
Lots of love, happy writing,
CedricAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review -- hope to see you back soon, Hattie. :) Report Review
Eee! I have always wanted to read some of your work, but I have never got round to it. I've been so busy lately so I was so happy that you popped up on the review thread! AND it's a story about Lavender Brown... most people portray her as the crazed fangirl, as the antagonist to Hermione in the battle for Ron's affection. But this is different - I really, really like it. :)
Your writing style is incredible, really. It's awesome. I would murder for your vocabularly, and it's all so interesting with varied sentence lengths and structures and images and metaphors and gah gah gah, I love it all.
She lies awake at night, insomnia clinging to her brain irritably (because if she could sleep then there would be no lingering effects), and can hear the rhythmic breathing of half a dozen people, wounded like her, inhaling and exhaling. She finds it reassuring and listens to it for hours, until the sun rises and she pretends that she has been asleep, it has become a lullaby of life Ė a reminder that they are all still alive, that they survived this, that she can still breathe.
I love what you've done with Lavender as well. Her shock and vulnerability and stoicism (?) is portrayed so well, which makes it easy to root for her and relate to her. The last line... it just makes me feel so sorry for her, that she feels the need to lie about her insomnia, and she's alone in struggling with it.
Overall, I love this one-shot. Well done!Author's Response: Hey there! I have a vague recollection of you reading a couple of things of mine in the past, but I'm really pleased and a bit giddy that you'd wanted to give my writing a try :D
Ack, thank you so much for all those lovely compliments! I've read some of your work (but not as much as I would like) and I really admired what I had the chance to read so it's really lovely and squee worthy that you liked this so THANK YOU. I had a lot of fun writing about Lavender and, actually, this is going to be hovering between a short story and Novella length when I've finished.
I'm excited to carry on writing about her and thanks for such a lovely review! :) Report Review
Aaaw, I loved this! I love reading stuff about the Malfoys - they have such wonderful relationships, but such a corrupt moral code that I'm always surprised that they love each other so deeply, and by how much they change by the end of the books. I loved the way you used Draco's POV - so interesting, and you have such a good writing style. Your characterisations are down pat: the regret, the emotions, gah, so good. You haven't got Draco as the massively emotional, deep, enigmatic boy with the glittering orbs that has a relationship with Hermione because it's forbidden - it's completely real, and I love it so much! Well done!
HER EYES! Uh, I loved it.Author's Response: Thank you for the review!! I appreciate it :) Report Review
I had to stop reading this half-way through to go for a driving lesson, but then came back, and somehow managed to mix up this sexy smirky Albus and Potterpuff Albus and was ermahgerd-ing everywhere. Loved the chapter.Author's Response: I totally thought you stopped your driving lesson midway through, whipped out a laptop and started reading for a minute, but then I regained my reading comprehension.
REMEMBER, ALBUSES CAN TRAVEL UNIVERSES. IT'S NOT SO FARFETCHED.
♥ loff youuu. Report Review
THIRD DEGREE BURNS. ♥Author's Response: MIGHT AS WELL BURST INTO FLAMES ♥ Report Review
Moar please pls plz ♥Author's Response: all for jooo~ Report Review
Reading this does come easy, darling. ♥Author's Response: ♥ melodrama goes down like velvet. Report Review
CUE INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT ABOUT ME WANTING TO BE SCORPIUS' BROOMSTICK.
I think it's the blazer that does it.Author's Response: OH HATTIE WHEN ARE YOU EVER APPROPRIATE ♥
you are one of a kind. Report Review
This is so well-written. Barty's emotions and grief were painted so perfectly at the beginning - his numbness, his pain, all really well done. Barty Sr's characterisation was also done perfectly; his curtness, his misunderstanding of Barty Jr's need to say goodbye to his cousin properly.
Aaah! Through this POV it seems that Frank Longbottom is the bad guy! I shouldn't be feeling like this! Nooo! Well done, Jordan! This was written really well! Report Review
Eeee! This chapter! I love it! It's so well written - the dialogue and the characterisation are especially spot on in this one. I love how, even though the chapters are written by different authors, the flow and the characterisation still works throughout. It's awesome.
I love the dynamics you've got with Barty and his family, and Flitwick's observations. Aaah! Lysandra! Oh my God! The ending! And Frank! This is so sad but also quite exciting!
A really well written chapter, well done! Report Review
I love, love, love this! Love me some Remus and Tonks - Rowling wrote them so beautifully in the book and I think they were so ignored in the films (maybe because the actress who played Tonks really frustrated me!) that I jump on board any sort of Remus/Tonks fic! I love the parallel you've drawn to Beauty and the Beast! ♥
Your characterisations are pretty spot on. I love your take on Moody, Tonks and Remus, and you seem to have a really tight grasp on Snape and Dumbledore! Aah, I love how you've written all of them! So good!
I love your writing style too! Just watch out for having /too/ much action, remember to have some thoughts and emotions in their for a bit of contrast. I would also try and vary your sentence structure a little bit: you've got a lot of sentences that are short, and they work really well at moments when impact is needed. Try varying it a bit: use colons, semi-colons, commas, hyphens, whatever. It'll make it flow better too.
Other than that, I really love what you've done here! Some great stuff! Sweet and touching and funny in places! Well done! ♥Author's Response: Hello :)
Ah! Me too! It's one of my major let downs about the film is how they cut out Tonks and Remus! And completely about Teddy! :P Oh thank you xD I came up with this idea whilst I was at a Christmas pantomine of... Beauty and the Beast ;) so I'm glad it's coming across :P
Hmm okay - I get what you mean! I'll have slower parts in the coming chapters - hopefully the next one will be up soon ;) Haha! I normally get told I write too long so have been deliberately writing in short sentances :P I'll try and find a middle ground soon! :)
Thanks so much for the review √Ę¬ô¬•
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