Reading Reviews From Member: searching4neverland
114 Reviews Found

Review #1, by searching4neverlandBlood and Shadows: Mountains Make and Break the Best in Us

1st October 2011:
you wouldn't believe how i found your story! I was looking through TDA chapter image requests and i saw yours, and loved the images so i got curious... and clicked the link... and totally read the entire story at once. It was just so, thrilling and the mystery of each chapter just made me want to NOT stop reading ever. You have a very interesing plot (and i gotta say, quite origina - never read anything like this before), you do a good job getting you character's motivations through, I love how you stick to canon but still manage to write a story that is completely yours.

I have always been facinated by the Draco Hermiony pairing. The first harry potter fanfic ever for me was a Dramione, so i have a soft spot for this ship. I like how you got them toghether through Easter, i think that's why this story works, because in teh begining they were sort of forced to stick toghether (though inlater chapters, i got the feeling that there was more and Dracos' side. love the subtle hints and shades of his behaviour by the way)

Something else i liked and that made me keep readin was how diverse your characters are. they all have their own agenda, their own hidden reasons for doing things and these unknown but hinted at shadows add layers to teh story. It make it all the more compelling.

Ron and Harry are pushed to teh side here, but the way you make Hermione miss them and feel thei absense kinda smothes down any contrarity to their not being too much in the story. Besides, i love being in Hermione's head, she is so facination. cool and resenved one moment and frantic the next. I just cant wait to read more of this.

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Review #2, by searching4neverlandSwallow Your Screams: Swallow Your Screams

29th June 2011:
The first thing that mad me curious about this piece was teh banner. it had me blinking a couple of times. And then i read the story and didnt wonder at the choice of cover. At first i thought this was about Ginny's posession. I liked the first part and her strength to fight back at him was what made me think of Ginny in teh first place. There's a coldness about the way you tell this, which is of course very apropriate and I like the way you have this moment unfold. Using the second person creates enough distance for the pov to be creepy.

The only thing i fuond myself wishin when i was done reading this was that the tale was longer, that i could see more of her and of her interaction with Voldemort. Im curious about them. What's his age in this? Because Im not sure that the way you have him referrin to her as mommy is impactful enough for Voldemort when he's all grown - the 'mommy' part seems much too informal for him, at least to me. If you have him torturin her as a kid though, that would be a whole new level of scary. Anyway this was interesting and definitely never read anything like it in this site before.

Author's Response: Hmm, all right. I did have this set when he was younger, and I'm glad you thought that was scary? I'll go back and make that more clear, I think.

I'm glad! Thank you so much for reviewing. (:

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Review #3, by searching4neverlandA Million and One Pieces: The Sun can not fall from the Sky

3rd April 2011:
Hi there. Im wildcat from the forums, here with your overdue review. Sorry about that. life got a little more complicated than expected.

I ofund this story a very nice read, it was rally well thought out and touching, but without being obvious or overdramatic. Actually I think this is what I liked best about this piece, the way you kept every emotion so simple but so sharp at the same time. The flow and characterization were according to be very well done, so dont worry about it. Loved your descriptions and the way you put words together.

It really hit a nerve with me the way you made the Fat Lady the witness of Severuss first heartbreak. I had never thought about her that way and when you mentioned 'the portrait that had seen it all before' - that was kinda touching, though I cant really say why.

And it seemed inc character with Severus that for his every little mistake - with Liliy - when he was younger, he never really blamed himself and his alliences, but the circumstances that led him and Lily to fall apart. When he had his chance to console her when she was crying, he hesitated, that thats why James got there before him, but Severus didnt see it that way - which sums him up perfectly. But later on in the story, he blames himself for everything and its really painful to read, because in a way he doesnt deserve all the fault, but in another, it he finally take on responsibility for his part in his own ruination... which makes everyhitng so much worse for him.

I didnt expect the kiss, but I think it was unlikable to be because I was seeing it from Severuss pov. The fact that he would view everything James does as fallacious was contagious.

The dream was particularly powerful, I think, because it embodies both James and Severus as opposites and how Lily made a choice between them, but that had nothing to do with what either of them thought of themselves - but more so with who they chose to be. The part of him getting branded was so sad. I thingk it was more sad than scary really, because it felt like the moment he fully gave up on everything.
The moment when Sev. notices the scar on her neck and wonders which one of his fellow death eaters did that - I had the chills in that moment. It was so apparent that they belong to different sides, but that they will never really be enemies. And his desperation was palpable even thought the way you told this story was always neutral, without too many flowrishings.

'He wonders what she thinks of him now.
He half hopes she doesn't think of him at all' - omg, that line was so so sad, resally. I thought id never read about a lonelier man.

It was strange reading about the meeting of the order that Severus attends. He was so still, seemed so calm, and you wrote the whole thing so neutrality, but the words you used created this weird effect - it felt like I was holding a bomb in my hands and waiting for it to go off. And even thought it didnt, it still felt like something major had just happened. It was almost as if knowing that this would be the last time they would see each other and there was sadness in that. loved the silent interaction between Sirius and Severus, it was so in character, it felt like it could have been canon.

I wouldnt know what to say about the ending. It wasnt in any way lacking but I felt like you could have done it better going from the way you've written the rest of this one shot. I think, that you could always focus a little more on what Severus went through after he knew that lily had died, before passing him into the the apathec mode, so to speak. Show us what happened to him how he reached that point where he feels nothing by showing what broke inside him when lily died. Im just trying to give you ideas here. Overall, I really liked this.
great job!

Author's Response: Hello there! Thank you for taking the time to leave me such a lovely and constructive review. You have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to lateness; I know first hand how much of an inconvenience real life can be... that's my (pitiful) excuse for being so late in replying to this.
I think that the Fat Lady probably would have seen a lot of kids get their hearts broken over the years. It would get pretty sad for her, I think, since she would get a sixth sense on which relationships would work well and which wouldn't.
What you said about Snape blaming himself through the years was exactly what I was going for! So glad you caught it! When I wrote the kiss scene I was kinda iffy about it, seeing as romance writing and I are barely acquainted. However, I figured that Snape wouldn't exactly see it as a lovey dovey thing, so I wrote it to make James the antagonist. I'm so happy to hear that those feelings made it through rather than made it feel really bland... I was very worried.
I'm glad you thought the dream was powerful. I was in the zone at that point, s everything I wrote was barely planned out. All metaphorical stuff is awesome, but totally unintentional ;)
It was the funeral scene that I started trying to make Snape turn towards the good side fully. Seeing Lily there totally changed him, and I wanted the scar to be a representation of the differences between them.
Glad you liked that line... it's one of my favourites too ;)
Wow! The Order scene was one of the more awkward ones to write, I thought, since we know so little of the original order, and of what really happened in the meetings. I'm very happy that you got that reaction from it!
I have the feeling that Sirius would not be very mature about the whole Snape joins the order thing.
The ending had me worried. I'm definitely planning on rewriting it; to me it felt very anticlimactic but I couldn't figure out how to change it. I will most definitely take your suggestions into consideration when I rewrite it. And give you credit, of course ;)
Thanks again for the really lovely and humongously helpful review. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you :P


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Review #4, by searching4neverlandSalad Days.: Salad Days.

3rd April 2011:
Hi there. Im wildcat from the forums, here with your overdue review. Sorry about that. life got a little more complicated than expected.

At first I liked the way you make molly so scatter brained and all over the place, it makes her funny to read and her sense of disorientation didnt seem to effect the flow of the story. It does tent to get a bit messy as the story goes on, because molly is so easily distracted and her monologues are kinda irrelevant to the situation she is in which makes me lose my focus exactly as she does. They make the story hard to read somewhat as it starts to progress. You have her attention pulled in all directions and its hard to keep up with her. Thats in character with molly, but I think you should try to make her a little less over the top, so that it will help the story flow more gracefully.

She is kinda weird though, I mean more than normal. Who spaces out like that while hugging someone?! And some of her reactions made me wonder because they are a bit too dramatic, but then again, this is a oneshot ,so you can practically do whatever you want with her.

Id suggest you dont capitalize so much, but thatís just me.
I would make a nice terrorist - LOL!!

I really liked that part where you differ the dining rooms and describe the Saturday night evening. You could actually write more on that, expand. it would be a nice thing to read I think.
The cupboard scene and how it came together was a little messy as well, as if rushed and it didnt feel realistic. It was funny the way parodies are.

Overall, I think you have a really nice idea and an original character, but you should probably give this another read and try to structure it better to help the story flow easily, without compromising your characters.

Author's Response: Hey!

Oh god, I think you're totally right. I think I need to do a revision of this story - it is a little over the place, and I do realise it can make it hard to enjoy it considering how out there it is. I'm still glad however that you managed to get through it! Molly is insanely weird here, which was pretty much what I wanted, but perhaps a little too much. Gonna have to revise that.
I'm glad you liked that part, though, I do honestly love to add in tidbits about the character's lives into a story. Makes it come more alive in my own opinion. But at least it does feel a little like a parody, which was what this was supposed to be, except not to strange.

thank you so much about your tips, I will surely give this a second editing and try again at it!

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Review #5, by searching4neverlandAshes: Ashes

28th March 2011:
Hi there. Im sorry this review took so lonk but Ill try to make it worth it.

I really liked reading this one-shot (and youll see just how much). It was structured in a very unique way. I actually read it more than once because as you said it was a piece based on a certain style and i wanted to be sure i got everything right before i reviewd, but i loved reading it every time because i always got something new from it that i had missed before.

Loved the way you organise your words into sentences. It flows so gracefully, its almost a little poetic. 'fragiles curves of understanding and sharp edges of love' - loved that turn of phrase. The second person perspective added this level of detatchment that was, according to me, fundemental in making this story flow the way you wanted it to - a point that to the reader is understandable only by the end.

Also, the symetries you created between your characters we very interesting. In a way, you made some fraction of these three characters echoes of each other, even thought they are so very different. Both of these aspects were neatly defined - the similarity of what they felt, but the different way in wich they experience those feelings and this really got throught cleanly for me. I felt that this way of writing them was the only way to keep this triangle beliavable. It made me understand this relationship even thought from a normal pov, it wouldntbe so understandable.

'the moment in which your name falls from his lips and no one catches it' - beautiful

Also, the way you described their emotions, keeping things simple, but so effective because of the words you choose, was what i most liked about this. I got what they were feeling and it all made simple sense. The way what Pansy feel is so pervasive but seems so real, the way she is still Pansy in that tinge of selfish triumph that her emotions have, and that strange unhealthy side that their relationship carries, because it feels like its someting that should be, but that is unavoidable as well (Only in the end it was so clear what this feeling was about, seeing that she was dead, but by the time I was reading it, their being toghether felt impossibly sad, all-consuming and kinda wrong). All the emotional spectrum came out beautifully. Draco's and pansy's relationship made me think of that Death Eater whose head fell into the glass-time-thing in the chamber of mysteries and it kept growin from a baby's head to a man's head and back again. (again, only by the end did i understand the why of this feeling - but the fact that you managed to make that come through is amazing)

I really liked how you made Draco act different with the two of them, because a i read on, more than just women, they became what they represented for him: Past ad future. And it made perfect sense that Draco would want so separate those two parts of his life. I really liked (in a twiseted way) how he seemed full of cold desperation for his past - with pansy - and delicate and hopeful with his future - Astoria. When you describe how he tries to keep her away from his sharpest edges, i got this feeling that he was almost afraid of her. And that she is in some self-induced denial about him.

As i read on i found myself feeling more and more sorry for Draco, because by being stuck in the middle, by having a bit of both women he really has neither. The way you created this picture of him was really smart because you never really phrased it, but it felt like it was the point of this whole thing.

Somting else i liked about this is that you didnt push me into chosing sides. Your writing was ever neutral and this raelly puts the reader in a kind of dilema: which way should he go? The answer that makes sense would be the future, but he would be lost without his past. this is the riddle that came through with this one-shot.

By the end, this took a really different shape. i thougth pansy was alive but the fact that she isnt... I dont kow what to make of it, it caught me by surprise, but it also made sense going by the way you wrote it. It just made everything feel a lot more tragic because it wasnt your average triangle - it was something worse i think, because it felt like there is no moving away from this fixed moment of grief for Draco and Astoria. Love lost in death, the grief of him for the death of pansy and the sadness of Astoria for what he has lost and for what she seems not to be able to have - which is him. Really complicated, as emotions alwasy are, but really simple in its sadness. By the time i was done reading this and really understood the web of emotions, i felt like i was looking at something twisted that i should be looking on.

Wonderful piece that is most definitely going to my favorites. Thanks so much for requesting a review, I honestly enjoyed your story.

Ps: This has got to be the longst review Ive ever left. wow... ;P

Author's Response: I think this is the longest review I've ever gotten! It kind of has blown my mind, but I love it. It's amazing. You're amazing. Made my week, seriously.

I am not even sure what to say I am so overwhelmed with happiness. Anyway I shall just get into it. What's probably going to surprise you about this fic is that I wrote the first and second sections with a completely different ending in mind. Like, completely different. I went back and edited some parts of it after I changed the ending to it's current state, but pretty much it remained the same. So I am so, so happy you think it fits so perfectly, because it was entirely instinctive on my part.

I love that you thought of the Death Eater in the hourglass! I thought of the exact same thing! No kidding. I was also thinking of Snape and the memories he gave to Harry in book seven- how essentially he lived his whole life trying to change something or give meaning to the past that he could no longer alter.

I had this idea in my head that Draco was both protecting her, and afraid of her. By trying to hide things from her he was saving her the hurt of knowing how far gone he was. But he was also sparing himself having to really look at himself in the mirror and see it, too. Once she knew it would always be reflected back to him and he couldn't face that hopeless reality.

I think that the real tragedy of this is how all of them are pulled into it. That's what I tried to write, anyway. They are all so deeply in love, which should be this amazing beautiful thing, and instead it has become their undoing. Like you said, he has lost not just Pansy, but in being unable to release her he has lost Astoria too.

Thank you so much, I cannot even describe how much this made my day. I was still thinking about it when I was at school. You are incredible, really!

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Review #6, by searching4neverlandPerfect: The Emothins Within

19th March 2011:
I like this one, even thought i cant really pinpoint why. i honestly think you have a good idie on your hands with this, the character is interesting and secretive and just wanting to be axplored. she piqued my curiosity and i want to know more about her, abou all the why-s that sourround her. You got the feeling of her compulsive perfectionism nicely in 600 words or so. I could say that standing by itsef, this one shot has a feeling of a not-really-finished piece, because it has so much potencial of being something more. You could definitely turn this into a short story and i know that i would love reading it.

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Review #7, by searching4neverlandShe'll Be the Death of Me: I'm Not Going to See Graduation

18th March 2011:
this was funny. i liked it especially scorpious's internal dialogue. it seemed so frantic and teh way you wronte it in short snappy sentences really carried out his sense of panic more than anythig the was thinking at the moment. the story was kinda short so i dont really know what to say more, except that i would have loved it if it had been longer, because i would have liked more of this!

Author's Response: I'm always getting reviews telling me my one-shots are too short. I will work on it.
I'm glad you liked it, funny was what I was going for

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Review #8, by searching4neverlandLike A Soda Can: Crush

15th March 2011:
Nice, he found her. So funny that she didnt realise he was shouting at her to stop. Alubus seems a funny guy, like someon who doesnt have too many problems and even if he does, he takes them on at a time and without too much stress. I kinda like him but Ill have to wait and see for teh next one.

I want to know more aobut Alice too. Its like witht the two brothers she si two difeerent girls. Stubborn and self-reserving with Albus, but hesitant, frightful with James. I want to see wich side of ehr will prevail, and most importantyl why and how

Author's Response: haha hopefully you will find out sometime, someday ;) I haven't really worked on this story that much, and I'm very close to pressing the "Abandoned" button...maybe one day I'll come back to it, though. Thank you so much for your lovely reviews!


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Review #9, by searching4neverlandLike A Soda Can: Root Beer: Part II + Dr. Pepper

15th March 2011:
oh, and I almost forgot 'scratiching his head to look for his brain' - that line in the last chapter was a really nice one. I love her sense of humor. I also am starting to think that the reason Alica doesnt appear as too much of a victim even thought she is bullied is because in ehr head, she doesnt see herself as one. She is capable of reaction, of anger. She makes fun of Jamesin ehr head. So basically, she gets bullied just because he can bullie her, but not because she has this victim-personality. I like that because it leaves possibility for change in her.

But i dont know how i felt about ehr confronting James so soon. I thought taht he at least intimidated ehr a little. but she spoke up to him like she could have dont it all along... anyway, im just goignt o keep reading to know some more.

And James is making me really curious to. I kinda feel for him, i really do, but that doesnt ean i can forgive him bullying someone for whatever reason. Ill just read and see... :)

Author's Response: haha your thoughts about Alice's character makes me question how I created her. I like how your reviews are so thoughtful and insightful - they're really helpful to me as a writer. I wanted Alice to be a victim with at least a little self-esteem, but she's not as strong as she seems to be ;)

Thank you so much for your review on this chapter and I'll go hurry to reply to your other one!


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Review #10, by searching4neverlandLike A Soda Can: Root Beer: Part I

15th March 2011:
hey there, its me again. im here to review again for the fun of it but also because i noticed something in my last review that really disturbed me. when i said last time that the thing with Alice's sister was disgusting, i meant the way ehr sister acted, not the way you wrote it. Because you wrote it just fine, its the characters actions that i was commenting. Just wanted to get that straight, because when i read back my review, it sounded as if I was passing jujment on your writing or something. sorry about that.

So, for this chapter... I KNEW tehre was a reason behind James's behaviour! He was James the Monster alright, you said it well. I have to take back what i said about him being unrelatable since he was obviously meant to be that way. Sometimes i think one should simply readthe whole story before reviewing, but anyway. Im going on to the next now!

Oh, and teh question-answer in teh begining was really cute by the way. ;P

Author's Response: haha it's fine :) I'm glad you came back to review! And yes, the way Raina acted was pretty despicable, unfortunately. Hopefully we'll see better sides of her character later in the story! *crossed fingers*

haha yes, James the Monster! Oohlala. And don't worry about it - stories are meant to trip you up! I'm glad you liked the beginning of the chapter, and thanks so much for this review!


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Review #11, by searching4neverlandHarry Potter and the Skat-Hatokha Reaction: Chapter 5 The Macalister Girls

3rd March 2011:
Hi there, its me again. Loved chapter 4-5 because of all the Lorelei and Rea that they had in them. I find it funny how Nate has this amazing brain when it comes to causing ruckus all over the place, but he cant understand Loreleis relationship with her little sister and the reason behind all the protectiveness. That was an interesting paragraph you had there, by the way. I like how you show someones life through someone elses eyes. It was a different perspective. Not to mention that it spoke volumes about what kind of home Lorelei and her sister live in.

"Because as soon as I do, Mom will tell Dad, and Dad will tell Carter, and Carter will be on my ass like white on rice." - loved this line, sooo awesome!

The diary passage was one of the things that got my attention most. People hardly realize that when you really do write a diary, sometimes the things you put in it wouldnt really makes sense to a strangers eye.

Like I said, I really liked going inside Loreleis house. It seemed to me that the way her flat was decorated is really the way those two girls live their lives. The concept of them as a different universe, completely apart from their mother is really interesting. I would like to know more about their mother thought and the reason behind the neglect. Right now it feels like that part of the girls life is a bit underdeveloped, comparing to everything else.

"... trying in vain to fend off the smashing blows of a bat wielded by a girl swinging as though she were going for a record." - OMG I laughed so hard at this, it was unbelievable. The entire scene actually! Definition of awesome! It reminded me of '50 first dates' when Drew Barrymore beats the hell out of that Hawaiian guy with a baseball bat.

I just love how Ron says, so perfectly calmly as if hes talking about the weather, that Hermione shouldnt track him down when hes on a case. In any other circumstances, it would have sounded bloody mental for a wife to track down her husband as if hes a criminal, especially if the husband is part of law enforcements, but with those two, its actually perfectly in character... and if that isnít funny I donít know what is.

Nate's reaction at seeing Ron and Harry, Lorelei's unbelieving attitude when he was talking about the magical police, all of that was such fun to read. I really like how you mix humor into situations that wouldnt be very funny otherwise. Also, I cant wait t know more about Rea. Shes such a mystery and so intriguing. I found myself wondering what she has seen growing up that would make her so interestingly apathetic. Or maybe its because she has better control of her powers than you le ton and she knows that there isnít much that can hurt her... I dont know, but I WANT to!

Author's Response: Wow, I always do love your reviews! And I'm glad to see you back.

I'm glad you find that line so funny, but the truth is, it was censored. A lot of my stories have that problem, but you can read the uncut versions of all my stories on MNFF. I truthfully hold back in a lot of the themes of my stories for this site. After reading the story of Nujood Ali, I was inspired to write a story about the plight of child brides, but I know it won't be accepted here.

Rae is just shrouded in mystery in general. I don't even know everything about her, and I don't know how much I'm going to let the readers know either.

But I'm almost certain you exist just to flatter my ego! Not that I'm complaining!

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Review #12, by searching4neverlandWhat to Do When It's Raining Sideways: The Answers

25th February 2011:
Loved C. internal dialogue. She kept trying to convince herself that she was right but her nerves told her otherwise and this time it seemed to me like it was her body that was making the right calls by not being able to find a comfortable spot on that bed she kept rolling over.

I adore her dark humor, specially when she was talking about remembering firsts. Lol!

Her monologue was kind of enlightening on a so far hidden part of her personality. She cares. She cares about Sirius not knowing. She cares about not hurting him. And she isnt so nonchalant as she looks about her condition. She is scared, and theres no amount of smart-talk that will change that. She has hidden behind her irony before but im getting the feeling that the closer the full moon get the more real things are starting to become and that is putting a real strain on her nerves. And you showed that really nicely.

the world just jerked twelve feet to the left? - loved this one

Lilys way of thinking does her justice. She takes things one at a time, gives them their own space and tries to make them come together instead of making them. I loved how you did that. I actually felt kinf of bad for Lily in the end of this chapter. She made hr a cake, but Carli was so frustrated that they didnt even have the chance to share it. its funny how you can hurt your friends without wanting to sometimes. But the fact that Lily wasnít even upset aobut it made me... I dont know, really sorry for her. Because this way, without saying that all that Carli is going through is heaving down on Lily too, you showed me how that happened and it was great.

PS: that part at the summary of the previous chaptre: dear carly, get read. Love, Life. - that had to be one of the best smart arrangement of words Ive read in a while. So cool!

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Review #13, by searching4neverlandLooking for Jazz: What She Replied

25th February 2011:
Dont know if its just me, but there is this sense of difference between the Jade that speaks in the italics entries and the one in the story. It feels like they are two different persons and makes me want to know how this change happened. Your good at dropping hints like that.

That moment between Lily and Dorcas in the beginning of this chapter was really cool. I like the dynamics between those two, you can really tell that they have been friends for a long time. Jade on the other hand seems more detached. Well, she seems detached from everything, but what Im not sure I get is the way she understands her friendship with Lily and Dorcas. Sometimes when I read I feel like she doesnt even care, or like she wishes they wouldnt be there. I think this is perfectly in character with her. She is isolated like that. But what Im not sure I like is the way Lily feels so overprotective about Jade. It like she considers her to be like a little girl that cant take care of herself or something. It feels patronising. On one hand, the desire to help whoever she can is very in character with the Lily that you have shaped. But on the other hand, I still feel that you should expand more on her and Jades relationship, from Lily's pov, in a way that would make Lilys attachment to Jade more relatable. I understand that Jade being so off limits to everyone is kind of the point. Im not saying you should change that. Its Lily you need to focus on, because trust me, even with the very best intentions in the world, when someone is as far of reach as you write Jade to be, its very difficult to even want to help them after a while. What Im trying to say is that you should let us into Lilys head a bit more, on how she came to feel herself so close to Jade.

What makes Lily feel so sensitively about this new friend? What do they share? Does she see herself in Jade or someone she let down or somene that simply needs help - which in Jade's case is plain as day that she does - and Lily wants to make it ok for her. (Im just brainstorming here, not forcing your hand. That would be rude) Kind of to give a reason for they way she feels, if that makes sense.

Anyway, getting off critic mode now and into something lighter: I found Lilys and James' talk very... how should I say this... very perfect!! It sounded like it could very well have been real, it consistent with the personalities you've given them. I liked how James was serious through the whole thing, showing that he does have indeed more sides to himself, but still managed to crack jokes, just to prove that he is a marauder and he will always be. And that he didnt betray his friend's secret just because Lilykins wanted to know (ok, so Ive had some bad experiences with stories where that happened, so sue me :P ) Point is, I like it.

So... that was it. I'll be lurking around the shadows for the next one.

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Review #14, by searching4neverlandLooking for Jazz: What She Realized

25th February 2011:
The way Jade tries so carefully to construct her calm like its a wall or an assignment to be written was actually very interesting to read. Something that I like about her and that have come to identify as part of her personality. But I think that the strain from whatever she is hiding is getting a bit heavy, judging from the way her oh-so-carefully built calmness crumbled at the faintest distraction. It really goes to show how much of what we have seen of her so far is just a carefully planned out and artificial build-up of her, as if shes wearing an armor or something. I wonder what it is that makes her pull back so hard every time she is ready to even think about letting her guard down.

On the other hand I found Remuss inner talk plain adorable. I am starting to fall for this version of him. Love Professor Byria every chapter more. ;P by the way. Shes such a freashow, and plain weird and so sharp on the edges you could cut yourself but I love her ways. They seem somewhat appropriate.

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Review #15, by searching4neverlandHyacinth Dursley and the Secrets of the Past: Where do Missing Objects Go?

22nd February 2011:
You can really tell by the way Lily talk about flying and quidich that she knew what she is talking about. She is quick to act on her feet as well, which is really fun to read and makes her such an interesting character. And even thought Hy doesnt take charge as much as she does, she has this internal determination about her that makes her stand out as strong and indipendant.

At first i thought you were hiding some nasty side to Orions character but now i just realisd that you were hiding his history. I felt so sorry for him when they were in the nursery and he alloded to where he got his dueling skills. it must have been really tough for him, probably he learned to block harmful spells to really protect himself from harm and not in teh way of learning a new thing. I see him a lot differently now. Also, i wante to congratulate you on the way you do characterisation. You made me think of the characcters actions and try to judje their personality by them, you didnt coax me into choosing a side. I did it myself and it felt very good to be able to do that.

I was so shocked when the missing things were found in Lilys dorm, but i was sure taht the fault would be given to someone who hadnt really stolen them. Loved the twist on specific areas of the school. it makes sense that a lot of what before was restricted, unaccessable of hidden would be now open for all to visit. I especially liked that pasrt about the Chamber of Secrets.

The exploration in the castle undergrounds was MAGICAL! I lved it, honestly, so mysterious and lost of suspense and so carefully thought out and smart. I could rally tell a lot of both Hy and Orions personalities by the rutes they chose. it was fantastic. And that riddle. i have to admit, that when i first read it i had no idea... then i thought, because he loved her? but that just seemed silly. Hy was so smart. Its no wonder the hat wanted her in Ravenclaw.

I can tell lots about Orions past just by the kind of spells is is able to do. To clean up after yourself and know spells taht can help you find your way in sticky situations speaks volumes about how his life was and I have the feeling thatit wasnt easy at all. I bet he was neglected and forced to learn all kinds of defensive and offensive spell just to protect himself. When i read this about Flint and Orion, I thougth back at the accusation he made, about ehr family robbing dead bodies or something of the like. Maaybe this has something to do with their animosty towards each other.

Loved loved loved this chapter. I adore this story, i really do.

Author's Response: Thanks for the thoughtful response. I can tell your enjoying the story just by reading your review! It's really great as an Author to find out that someone really is reading what you're writing. Thanks so much for really making my day.

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Review #16, by searching4neverlandHyacinth Dursley and the Secrets of the Past: Of Broomsticks and Best Friends

21st February 2011:
Vipera Goyle - nice choice for a name by the way. A viper!

Im so in love with the way you write teachers. Mr Le Nez had me laughing my socks off, I swear. And your description of the potions professor was great. She totally reminded m of a teacher I used to have.

"even if sometimes prepping ingredients was a bit gross. There was just no way to un-disgustingly dice a dead banana slug" - you so had me laughing out loud at that one! And OMG!!! I swear I had a professor at high school that used to do that banging his fist on the desk when he gave his lessons. His tone would go high and low at unpredictable places also and the whole class was always caught unprepared and w sometimes flinched collectively. The way Ernie organized his class made the think of DA, I bet thatís where he got his ideas.

I was really having fun with this chapter and enjoying It as enjoy any good reading and not specifically fanfiction. It felt like a was reading from a book and reminded me of reading the very first Harry Potter book for the first time. That vibe is there, with the classes and new experiences and funny comments. But the that Skeeter book comes along and every word that passes I find myself frowning and just reading on faster and faster to get to Hys reaction over finding out all about her uncle and her father. I was honestly holding my breath.

The dueling bit was very interesting. I was truly reading this chapter with eyes glued to the screen. How you crated these new styles of attack and defence and a whole techniques to the night, it was all very interesting.

I dont know what to think about Orions dueling way. He was fiercely competitive and thus in character for being a slytherin and maybe all other sides of him that I have yet to learn about, but he was also polite in the end and very fair towards Bethany. It seems to me that while he isnt the nicest person around, he has morals and tends to follow them. But you have succeeded in giving him a sinister vibe though and I dont know what to think of him yet - which I bet was the point :P And I say sisnister because while he took Hy and Lily seriously, he was mocking of Betahny and hit hr pretty hard. It felt a little nasty.

Hys dueling style was very much like she is: calculated, careful and playing on the element of surprise and intelligence, and lots of nerve and determionation. I expected her to be focused like that. When Orion was up against Lily, I had goospumps all over I swear. One of the very best things about this story is that I cant predict the way youre going to take it and I love that.

Its really nice how youve balanced out their talents by the way, each for one thing and not overweighed them into some kind of geniuses or something.

I really like your story. Ill have to come back here to read more. Whats that about the missing objects by the way. Theft isnt tolerated at Hogwarts, so whoever is behind it must be pretty crafty. And a Gryffindor - theyd have to have the password. So who put that book in Hys bag is from her won house. This plot is getting thicker and I love it.

Congratulations on this story, its fantastic. I have tried throughout my reviews not to repeat myself too much, but anyway, I enjoyed reading a good story and Ill be back. Thank you for requesting.

Author's Response: Thank You again! :D

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Review #17, by searching4neverlandHyacinth Dursley and the Secrets of the Past: The Start of Term

21st February 2011:
Just as I started reading this chapter and about the tallest man Hy had ever seen, I was all 'Awww Hagrid... Imissed you!' :P But it was not Hagrid! It was the ghost of Christmas past and instead of the deers he had a huge slobbery dog! Oh, man, I LOVE being in Hy's head!
Lilys standard hello for anyone she really liked. - liked that one.

No seriously, I loved this chapter. If you hadnt showed me already before, I would be able to tell from how observant Hy is of everything around her that she is a very smart girl. I knew that she was going to be a Gryffindor thought by the way she stood up for Alicia when she needed it. And Lily, of she was a sure bet. I was having assumptions about Orion thought. I thought he might have a chance to be in Gryffindor, because no matter what the means, he made the right choise and stood up to that girl before entering the great hall.

I loved reading about the first day at school. I wonder why more people dont write more about classes. I mean, Hogwarts is a school, right, you cant just go about your business as if you didnt have classes to attend to. It was also interesting to read because you added these details to things that we already knew and besides, just hearing things from Hys pov makes it all the better. Im so in love with her. She showed real character when she extended her hand to Orion without any prejudice. Sometimes history is the worst enemy.
Great twist in making old student teachers at Hogwarts. It felt good to get reacquainted with the characters of the books. I liked that a lot.

But Ive got to say, meeting your new characters was much more interesting. Orion is curious to say the least and I just cant wait to read more about him. He sounds sure of himself and acts like it but theres so much more to know, even thought you practically told the back history through the Potters. Good job on that by the way. Usually when showing history or back stories, it tends to drag, but the humor you added and the way the Potters and Weasleys keep the conversation alive made it so much fun to read. Also, because I was so thirsty for some info in Orion.

I wasnt surprised that Orion took Lily and Hys side at lining up for Alicia when she was being picked on. He didnt seem like the snooty pureblood right from the start. But I was pleased to no end thought. He acts superior when he wants to appear so, and that told me from the beginning that he knows all about the pureblood manners of being, but has chosen a different way. It feels to me like his choice was consciously made. His change from shy to cocky didnt seem off character al all, in fact its as if he couldnít have been any other way. Orion isnt exactly nice thought and you can tell by the things he says that he can fight as dirty as it is required, but theres something about him that doesnít shout superiority. He reminds me a little of Sirius. I wonder now, after what he said to Lily and Hy that they should watch out from being friends openly, that maybe he wanted to go into Slytherin, not because he wanted to but maybe because he felt it would make his life easier. Dont know why I have this impression. I really want to know more about him.

Ps: I was a little confused by the numbers in the middle of you chapter You should edit those out. I know, double-checking is such a pain, but someoneís got to do it. You could get a beta.

Author's Response: Sorry about the numbers, :( I thought I had gotten them all out. They were a private note to myself when I first started writing of how many pages I'd done in the first draft so I could check the story flow. When I went back in for my second draft I thought I deleted them all, but I guess I missed some. More for the edit when I get a moment list. :P

I'm looking for a beta and just haven't had any responders yet. Still trying though.

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Review #18, by searching4neverlandHyacinth Dursley and the Secrets of the Past: Platform 9 and 3/4

21st February 2011:
I knew I was right about Hys mother being the no-nonsense kind of woman. Love her and the way she handles her problems. And I just keep liking Dudley more and more. You do family relationships very well by the way. I love the way you give dynamics in a muggle family like the Durslies with a whitch in their midst. It was very interesting to read.
Hys nightmares were amusing as well. The janitors broom, lol! I have to say that I really like the way you choose to divulge information about your characters, going about it so slowly and selicately. It actually allows me to start thinking about what I read and not just skip on to the end. But Im going to be mean now and tell you something that makes even my own eyes roll. You can have lots of different kinds of readers with lots of tastes about what they read, but (and I say this from personal experience, so I know how annoying it can be to have people say this to you) most dont seem to like long descriptive passages like the one you had describing her nightmares. I do like them but, I felt it was a little too long for a the normal rate of readers. However, they gave off Hys inner struggle very well and i didnt need to read the word anxious anywhere to know that she was so. This something a bit contradictory that Im telling you, Im aware, but in the end its all up to you. As for me, Im all for descriptivness and detail. I want to get inside characteer's heads and read from there, but hey... that's just me...

I was more saddened than angry by the way Vernon and Petunia react at Hy being magical. That part about Dudley remembering Harry when looking at his daughter was really touching. Im not sure how I feel about Onnie. At the moment when Im sure I hate him, he comes out of the room looking honestly apologetic and saying that it was his fault. Its difficult to make up my mind, but usually, siblings are like that. You cant make up you mind about them but you love them anyway. Like I said, you do family relationships to prfection.

This chapter was different from the others. I guess its because you introduce a new character and all the setting is about to change and all that. Also more dialogue, it feels like the story is picking up and moving along and more importantly, so is Hy. I just cant wait to see her at Hogwarts and how she hadnes her life there, and what her magic is going to be like.

Author's Response: I want to rework the nightmare bit myself. I'm going to take out the second nightmare as superfluous. It doesn't add anything that we don't already know. The first one illustrates her predicament without the extra verbiage. I should have done it before I posted, but sometimes I'm as eager to get on to the next chapter as you guys are. Writing it is like I'm reading the book and want to see what happens next too. ;D But I won't let myself move on until I've got the current chapter finished and in the queue which makes me rush things more than I should, So Author apologies, but I really do wanna' see what happens next. Don't you? :D

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Review #19, by searching4neverlandHyacinth Dursley and the Secrets of the Past: Diagon Alley

21st February 2011:
Loved that detail about selling cousins at uncle Georges shop. So cute! And that about student using lap-tops to do their homework and the floo network being like internet. LOL! Its so much fun being inside a kids head sometimes. Though Hy is more balanced out than most kinds, that freedom of imagination and the sense that anything is possible is still there with her.

The ride through Diagon Alley with her was well written and thought out. I loved reading about all the things she did and what she thought and how she felt, but I couldnt help but feel that I wanted something more out of the whole thing. Not because you did something wrong, but because it was a lot like reading anout Harrys first trip on D.A. and I wanted to see more of it from Hyís pov, as in, in her narrative voice. She is so interesting a character and everything that goes through her head, you seem to write it with a spirit that makes it original. I just wanted more of the world from her eyes, thats all. I imagined she would be more surprised and overwhelmed

I like the way you characterize the canon character. Love Ginny and cant wait to see what you do with Lily, James and Albus. You didnt force me to like them, they felt very natural. Not antipathetic, but not very likable either. Normal. Like first impressions usually are.

One thing that really stuck me thought was this: You know how a lot of people here write about Oc that love book and all, but never really elaborate on that? They just state it, like its a universal fact and doesnt need explanation or background or even a reason. It kind of peevs me out sometimes. But here, it seemed so natural that Hy would be interested in books and things about school. First because its all new and wonderfully fascinating - and I can relate to that because we all feel that way about magic. But secondly, it was the personality you gave her in the first chapters. That really took form in this chapter, especially in the end.

You keep showing me these glimpses of her personality by putting her in situations where she was show me about herself, without you needing to tell me about her. It really great to read. The ending of this chapter was especially stunning. I dont know, I was so taken away, I almost gobbled down the last paragraphs. And even thought you didnt elaborate much, I knew what was going on, but still, not really. I felt they were fighting over Hy, not Onnie. Probably Vernon had said something rally ignorant about wizards. It left me hanging and I cant wait to read what caused Hys mother to get so angry (love her by the way. She seems to have such a fair and square way to handle things, as if she always knows what the right thing to do is)

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Review #20, by searching4neverlandHyacinth Dursley and the Secrets of the Past: A Trip to London

21st February 2011:
Hi. Im so sorry about being so late with the rest of my reviews, but life has gotten much too real lately. I havent had much time to do things I like. Anyway, let me get to this great chapter that you have here.

By the time I reached the end of this chapter I realized that there was no better way to go about creating a prelude to the entering of Hy in the world of magic than the way you wrote this. It was excellently done: the mix of fear, confusion and hesitation on her part, the world of grownups that she doesnt understand and feels pressured by. All came together very nicely. By the time I reached the end of it, there was nothing more I wanted to do than read about what Hy would think of magic once she is confronted with it herself. Through all of this, she heard about it by others, in so many different ways but she doesnt know what to expect, and her anticipation has a tinge of fear that makes her especially relatable, to the point where her emotions are almost contagious. You write her different emotional states very well, like in the end of the chapter when you have her stay all silent her talk at all and letting Lily and Albus do all the talking. It felt overwhelming even to me!

I really couldnt predict which way you would take this, how the characters would act and how would Dudley handle her being magical and everything. This was kind of a big deal for me, mostly because I rather like Dudley after the seventh book (or at least dont hate him as much) and wanted to see him developed. You did that, he seemed much more rational the way you wrote him and most importantly, very different from Vernon. And you know, even thought you said that Dudley isnt the best or brightest, he was very soothing and gave quite a piece of wisdom to his little girl exactly when she needed it. And most of all, he was such a good father, calming her and reassuring her she would be loved not matter what, and if that isnt sweet, I dont know what is. I just loved this chapter for that. Also, I never thought twice about Dudleys experience with magic while Harry was on the run. I like that you mentioned it, I would love reading about it if you decide to develop.

But I dont know whether a child at the age of Hy would be able to tell that her father wasnt the best of the brightest. Iím only mentioning this, because from the way you write her, she is every bit as child-like as any eleven year old - which I think is the best part about your characterization, even thought she is smarter than most. I just think that generally, at that age, children still look up a lot at their parents. Anyway, its not a major thing or anything, just thought I should mention it. On the other hand, I love how Hy is so careful with people around her and so thoughtful and nice. She is a good girl but believably, sweetly so, in a way that doesnt make you roll you eyes. She sounds genuine, probably because you write her so well as a child, so sincerely. I really like that aspect of your story.

Loved the second part where the Potter came into play as well. You got to love Ginny. 'If you donít mind your manners...' typical mother line! Lol!

Anyway, on to the next chapter.

Ps: You should consider re-reading your chapters because at places you repeat the same sentences twice. I do that all the time, because I edit my chapters a lot, so I know it happens.

Author's Response: I've actually printed my chapters out and am slowing going through them with the infamous red pen. I have edits that I need to do on all my chapters, my problem is finding the time to do them as I am usually busy writing the next chapter and trying desperately to put some polish on it before I post it into the queue. :p I'm really glad you like the story and hope I can keep you entertained all the way to the end. :D

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Review #21, by searching4neverlandHyacinth Dursley and the Secrets of the Past: The Letter.

29th January 2011:
Hi there. Im here witht the review as promised and I liked this story so much from teh very beginign that I thought I start reviewing from teh first chapter!

"Hy' knew they sent a Christmas card and such to Cousin Harry and his family every year, but she'd never met him. . Maybe Cousin Harry's going to Hogwarts was part of what was wrong." - this paragraph is repeated in two places in pretty much the same way. I found it as I read and just thought that should point it out so you can fix it.

there was lost of meterial and your chapters were weighty (just the way I like them!) and very well filled out so I feel I should give them credit and review from here. I really liked the way you developed this chapter. evertyhing had its pace and it was very apropriate and completely delightlful. I really like the way you write, you take your time and show everything unfold by itself, without rushing anything. I loved reading about all the different reactions and Hy's fear and confusion. You did the pov of a child very nicely. I really love how you have her mum be so sporty while all she wants to do is be a girl. It was a very original perspective, Id never seen it done before. She is a good little girl, loves her parents, but is stil capable fo having a mind of her own, even thought she leaves the impression of a slightly shy little girl. maybe a more apropriate word would be taht she is contained. Anyhow, she seems and feels to me like a realy 11 year old, with a 11 year olds reactions and thoughts. I especially enjoyed the distintions between her and her brother. I really want to see how you develop that.

On to the next!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'll go in and edit out the repeat. I must have missed it when I copy and pasted from word. :(
I'm really glad to see Hy' is coming across how I see her. She's the bookworm in a sports oriented family. They love each other, but they don't always get each other.
Thanks for taking the time to come and read it over for me. :)

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Review #22, by searching4neverlandHiding Bruises: Interruption

29th January 2011:
Hi there. Im here iwth your review as promised. I have to apologise because I left it earlier but apparently couldnt upload it for some reason, that's why you probably thought Id skipped your story on the list. So sorry about that.

Now, on to teh story. This is a very sad begining you have here, of a really mistreated girl. The fact that she is in gryffindor but still so unable to fight back makes me wonder a little, but its jus the first chapters and anyway, from the treatmant she is getting, I wonder if its her persecutors - so to speak - that have driven her to that kind of behaviour. The first two chapters were hard to read because of the things you had going on in them. The scene where they bully her was especially difficult for me. I've alwasy had a hard time standing for those kind of things, they alwasy make me angry, even if its just fiction :)

But, even thought its early in the story (or perhaps exacly for that reason) you ought to make your OC a little more relatable, because she still feels so weird and passive. I dont know her yet, but I dont like her, because she is too unresponsive that it makes me think she has no inner strength at all. That makes it difficult to empathise or sympathise with her, she doesnt feel real. You could try fixing this by expanding on her past, on how she got to this point, or trying to give her a little anger and hate toward those that hurt her. Anger, that would make her much more human, since all those who are bullied tend to accumulate more than enought of that feeling. I am very curious to see how you develop her.

I found Sirius's characterisation to be schetchy in these chapter. You gave us a peek on him, but not enough to form a clear idea of what to expect. I somehow imagined his reaction to finding Bella bullying some kid would be more fierece then what it was (probably use it as an exuse to have a duel with her and hex her good), but then again, his reaction shows that he doesnt particularly care about bullying and if that's the way you're going for it than good job.

You focus a lot on inner thoughts of your characters and that helps move them along and makes it easier to relate to them, but dont underestime the power of description when it comes to certain situations. Just try to portray the sorroundings as well as the characters feelings, to create a little diversion.

Anyway, overall, this was an interesting begining and it makes me wonder how you are going to model your characters to find each other, because - and this was what interested me the most - the way they are, its really difficult for them to find something to like about one another. they'll have to change and develop through the story and the perspective of that is visible from the beginig. This makes this story very interesting and draws curiosity.

Well done so far and keep on with the great work!

Ps:Sorry about the typos, i make a lot of them and never manage to correct them all. ;P

Author's Response: Hello, that's ok :)

Yeahh, I know that I am addressing a very sensitive issue in this story so I try hard to handle it accordingly, I hope that is evident in my writing.

Thanks for that feedback, I will see what I can do with her. I think she is just a very timid person and it will take a while for the reader to get to know her, as it would for a person to get to know her in real life.

I've had quite a lot of feedback saying I don't delve deep enough into Sirius' character so I'm trying hard to change that in the chapters I'm currently writing, however I'm a bit worried about changing early chapters a lot so this will probably stay pretty much the same.

That's really good feedback and is really helpful, thank you!

Thanks so much for this review, I found it all really helpful and am going to use it to improve my writing in the future! Thanks!
Lily :)

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Review #23, by searching4neverlandHarry Potter and the Skat-Hatokha Reaction: Chapter 3 Bernie's 24-Hour Waffle Hut

27th January 2011:
Hi there. This is me here with the review you requested. Ive got to say, this is one of the smartest, funniest and most fun-to-read stories Ive read in a long time. I was feeling a little down when I started reading this and you totally cheered me up.

Youve done great on all accounts in this story if you ask me. Your descriptive abilities are fantastic. Everything is so subdue and the words are like little images that take shape and for in my mind, totally easily, creating the funniest pictures ever. I loved how natural feel of the breakfast scene in the first chapter and then the environment at the ministry and Harry struggling with the pace. It was completely appropriate and original. That line about the house in Godrigs Hollow being more cheerful that number 12 was funny to me for some reason, probably because the comparison between the two is so grotesque, because they are like, on different ends of a pole.

And characterization is perfect. The characters are totally in canon and yet sound so much more grown up because you make them find their way around places that they werenít familiar with before and dealing believably with situations that we havent seen them in. While always staying faithful to the echo of the way JK wrote them. Take Ron for example. It was so totally like him to ask Harry about what is the matter with Hermione, even thought she is now his wife for several years. Or poke his finger with his tiepin -FIVE times! LOL! Everything they do is in tune with their personalities.

I especially loved the glimpse of McGonagall. It was, hands down, the coolest version of her I have EVER read. "You can tell because it has the word 'academy' in it" LOL LOL LOL!

Completely and totally ADORE Nate. You have portrayed him so beautifully. I think characterization is one of the best things about this story actually, or maybe its the fact that I just love your OCs. All you do is show show show and never just tell by narrative how he is. Nate does the telling and its amazing. The things he does are priceless, the things you have him say crack me up every time! That part about him memorizing that law thing was perfect. Goes to show how smart and careful he really is and how difficult it is to catch him doing wrong. I just love him! But I already said that... oops! ;P Really, youve given me everything I need to know about this character to care about what happens to him and be interested in the story all in one chapter (the second) and now Im dying to know what you do with him. Itís the perfect beginning.

And Graham as the voice of reason was really nice, loved him too. Your description of him as a misfit was perfect. Short, simple and to the point. I especially like both their sense of humor and the way they talk to each other. You can tell theyre good friends. And then what he says:
...What if this isnt a hoax and someone somewhere is getting really, really pissed off?
...And make sure Lorelei doesnít snap her neck before the date. LOL . Youve got to love Graham. And Loreleis magic showing through her ability to break things was a beautiful reflection of her character. You got her relationship with Nate nailed just by that telling each other off session they had. Kind of hate-you-like-you-but-then-totally-love-you thing. It was brilliant.

I laughed out loud when I read your description of how a last day of school is and the teachers reaction to the bell. That was so realistic! I remember in my old school, the teachers used to barricade themselves in their lounge for a good five minutes when it was time for the students to come out. Weíd go insane, it was like a jungle. It was so much fun and you caught that perfectly.

You hinted at some other reason why Nate didnt go to a magic school, thus completing the mystery that kind of surrounds him, but I wouldnt say hes mysterious. He's just a kid, a helraiser but so easu to love. He could be if I dwelled on it, but I find myself too swept away from how much fun this story is to read and how well you can be funny in a delicate way, simply by telling the story, without forcing it.

The only down side was the slightly longish explanation of what the System is and does in the first chapter. Its not that it was too long, but it was all in one piece, without other parts of narrative to provide some pause in between. You could try making them walk around as they talk, talk to someone else in between or something like that, just so that it doesnt come all at once. Honestly, I didnt really mind all that much, but I should say this because Im supposed to review from a general p.o.v right? And one-block explanations like that tend to drag for some.

Anyway, this i sit, and Im totally adding this story to my favorites! Thanks for requesting. I had a great time reading this! I cant believe you only have seven reviews!!!

10 of 10 for me.

Author's Response: Wow, this was certainly an epic review, and I am certainly going to have to have to go back for more reviews. I am glad I've made you such a fan, and I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story, even if you don't wait until my next review request to do so.

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Review #24, by searching4neverlandHarry Potter and the Harbinger of Doom: Sortings, Schedules, and Stupid Weasleys

24th January 2011:
Hi there. You asked for a review from me, like ages ago but I had to leave that thread for closed and didnít get around to your story. Now that Im starting with it again, I though I should come back and fulfill my promise, so to speak, so here it goes.

I rally donít know what to say, so Im going to start from the basis. You should take it easy with the characterization on this, itís a little messy and the Canon donít feel very canon at all, probably because youíre shortened their tempers a lot. Ginny was fun to read, but then, I donít know, it kind of got out of hand. And your OC, he is very snappy as well, h is kind of rudeÖ I donít know if you did it on purpose, but it felt a little over the top, because most of th time it was unprovoked. You have this story moving very fast and its like trying to look out of a moving merry-go-round. A little more detail, descriptions could do your story good, just too slow things down a bit. Stop and describe the settings, the situations, get in your characters heads a bit, internalize on their perspective of things, situations.

Also, the author note at the middle of the chaptr is kind of distracting from the rest of the story and the spacing is a bit weird, you culd fix that. It happens to me all the time, thereís something about copy-pasting from word to that box where we write things in.

AnywayÖ I know that I havenít said much, but I rally donít know what more I could say since the story is just starting anyway.

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Review #25, by searching4neverlandLike A Soda Can: Sprite

24th January 2011:
Hi there. You asked for a review from me, like ages ago but I had to leave that thread for closed and didnít get around to your story. Now that Im starting with it again, I though I should come back and fulfill my promise, so to speak, so here it goes.

You know, I just loved the prologue. I havent read many stories like this one, but I have to say that the first thing that got me was your main characters dark sense of humor. She totally had me laughing in the weirdest places.

The last paragraph when she compares herself with a soda can was very sad one, even thought she was trying to make it sound funny in a way. I donít know why, but even thought she sounded so miserable as the story started, she never one sounded like she was wallowing in self pity. She was actually very tenacious in being positive Ė this is probably the product of her sense of humor.

There was a really funny edge to Albus and Alices first meeting. I donít know who to say, but Iím almost as curios about Albus as I am about Alice. Where has he been really? I wonder why she thought of that time with James in Muggls Studies class? And why does he torture her? Is he just an arrogant bully or is he into her or something?

I havent read many next generation fics, and I can understand that this is yours and you can do whatever you want with it, but the way you made James act so mean in the third chapter... I donít know, I guess I never imagined someone could be like that, just for the kicks of it. Hes the son of Harry and Ginny, I just presumed that heíd be a little arse-ish but not a totally jerk. He reminds me of Draco. Anyway, Maybe its because its just the beginning, but he is very little relatable and I canít understand the reasons behind his actions so he seems very unconvincing.

And that thing with Aliceís sister was disgusting. I mean, how can you do that to your own sister! I thought sheíd be worried about her and try to help, not turn her back to her. Alice hasnít had the best of luck, has she? I know that youíre trying to portray a very unhappy girl, but try not to overdo it. I mean, getting rejected by your own sister sounds a little farfetchedÖ but maybe thatís just me, because Iím so really close with mine, even though sheís the outspoken popular one and Iím kind of the cynical bookworm.

On the other hand, I LOVE how Albus tries to contact her. It was so funny, LOL.

Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks for reviewing - I really appreciate that you got around to it at all :) And this was delightfully long, so now to write an equally long response. ;)

I'm glad you like the prologue! And yes, Alice does have a somewhat dark sense of humor. That's probably my favorite part about Alice as well. xD And Alice...well, she acts like she doesn't care, but she really does.

As for James, that has yet to be revealed. I won't say anything about that yet :P And yes, James is a real arse, but I think once I reveal his back story there won't be as much hatred towards him. I'll work on his character - thank you for telling me about his seemingly unrealistic personality :P

Alice's sister...well, they're not especially close, I don't think. I'll try not to overdo the unhappy girl image but sometimes the angst is just too tempting XD

Thank you so much for this long review - it made me really think about the characterization. I'll make a note of it for the future!


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