Reading Reviews From Member: ravenclaw_princess
723 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ravenclaw_princessPlaying for Keeps: Mint Chocolate Chip Memories

26th May 2016:
Hi. Here for BvB.

Yay. Your OC has a name :) I liked this chapter and after such a great set up with her pool mastery and then shooting down James, it was nice to see some exposition into her character. I find her very interesting. She says it herself, she is shy, struggles to make friends.which probably also translates to confidence issues and low self estimate. James Potter would not have helped in this. This is in far contrast to how we see her with pool. But these feelings still exist, hence her eating ice cream at 4 in the morning.

The flashback worked in well. It was clear that it was a flashback and fitted in with the stories overall flow and it didn't feel out of place. The whole paragraph seemed to be gearing up for a repressed memory to surface.

I like the interaction between the girls. Again, very natural dialogue. Hattie seems like a fun character.

I do like where this is going. I feel there is a lot more to the James and Annie story than we've heard so far. I also like how vehemently she is denying him what he wants and I hope that she sticks to her guns and takes James down a peg or two (or a hundred) I also wonder if there is something about Annie (other than her shyness) which caused James to pick on her.

Well done once again. This a is a great story and so well written that I know I'll be back.

Author's Response: Hi again!

Yes, she's got a name, hallelujah! I'm so happy to see that you still enjoyed the story, three chapters in. It's definitely a breath of fresh air to get some backstory going, even if it is a sad situation. And yeah, James did not make her Hogwarts years any easier.

Thanks! I love Hattie because she's a redhead and also awesome.

Oh yeah, there's so much more, but unfortunately, James is ridiculously persistent. You'll see--she's going to take him down a few pegs, but she's going to be seeing him a lot more often now.

Thanks again!

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Review #2, by ravenclaw_princessPlaying for Keeps: A Face From the Past

26th May 2016:
Hey. I'm here for BvB

I read the first chapter a while ago and really loved it so when I clicked onto your page I knew I had to read chapter two :)And chapter two is just as awesome as the first.

I love your characters. I still have no clue who the protagonist is, but I think now, that it's an OC, which wasn't what Id thought in my first chapter. She had a lot of depth to her. James brought out her fears and insecurities and you could sense her stiffen as memories of her past surface, but she managed to pull through them and bring out the confidence that she now has.

I don't particularly like James (I like how you've written him.just don't think he's a nice person). He is arrogant, self centered and totally privileged. I don't think Harry would be too proud of his attitude. It was so good to see your OC? put him in his place. He had this real sense of bravado to hima nd it was good to see him caught off guard and you captured his confusion in not being known quite well.

The whole chapter is beautifully written. The imagery is great, as are the details you include. The conversations seemed natural and the characters realistic. As I'm reading, I''m completely drawn in.

I had a few favourite pieces. One was your OC's explosive speech at James, putting him in his place. The second was this piece

"It was the gaze of a predator, as if I were a particularly delectable antelope standing in the path of a ravenous lion. (Or in more modern terms, a fine cut of meat on the butcherís block under scrutiny of a masculine steak connoisseur.)"

and I also like this line "My fragile self of long ago was encased in a shield of diamond, impossible to wound and fatal to touch"

Awesome job. I love it. So much so, I'm off to the next chapter right now.


Author's Response: Hi from almost a year ago!

Thanks for your review so much!

I'm so glad you like my characters, and yes I know it's really mean of me to withhold the OC's name, but I get there eventually, I promise! James does bring out the scared middle school child in her, but she's much more able to cover it up with confidence and condescension than she used to be!

Yeah, nobody really likes James because he's so obnoxious. I like him MUCH better in later chapters. He needs to check his privilege, and his dad needs to give him a stern talking-to. (But that probably won't happen.)

Thanks again! I'm so glad that you found some quotable moments and that you enjoyed reading!


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Review #3, by ravenclaw_princessPride and Scorpius: The Sorting Hatís Greatest Regret

5th May 2016:
Hi Andrew. I'm here for a BvB review

This is a quite a good chapter and there is so much to say. I guess I'll begin at the top.

I like the atmosphere on the platform. You can feel the buzz that's in the air and the excitement of nearly being at Hogwarts. I like how Rose thinks of Dawnsfirstborn and her possible reaction to Hagrid. Obviously, she doesn't have to worry about it and I can't wait to see how they know each other.

I was surprised though that Rose ended up on her own in the boats. I would have thought that Albus would try and find her, or Dawnsfirstborn would have gotten Hagrid to call her over. Maybe they were too preoccupied with Scoprius and Hagrid.

I found the part with the 'pervy boy' to be a bit odd. I'm sure there is reason behind this and that this boy will have some greater story arc which this is setting up, but in this chapter, it didn't seem to go any where. Neville didn't do anything, nor did Rose have any thoughts about the incident that would make us think that this event is the start of something more. I also thought that the action seemed a bit mature for an 11 year old. I guess I'd expect some giggling, or background egging on. Maybe I'm just being naive to think that an 11 year old wouldn't be deliberately doing that sort of stuff.

I found the switch to the memory of Harry a bit jarring. The section is so short that i think it would be better to segue it all together rather than have such a distinct break in the flow.

Well done on you're sorting hat song. I bow down to everyone who attempts them. It was really good.

And so to the sorting. Wasn't that full of surprises. Scorpius was not happy about going to Slytherin. The sorting hat must see something in him to make that decision as I haven't seen much Slytherin in him yet. By the way he reacted to the decision, I'm sure Scorpius must have been having a big argument with the Sorting Hat but it was not changing it's decision.

Albus was a big surprise. I like what you did here and the way you brought Snape into it. So far from the story, I see Albus as a Hufflepuff, but he does come across as a rather well rounded person who does have attributes from all houses. I liked the sorting hat justifications too, it was a nice little bit of dialogue between the hat and Albus. I was expecting more confusion in the hall though and the need for order to be returned, rather than silence. It would be pretty much unheard of for someone to be sorted into all houses and I thought there would be more excited chatter as people discussed what had just happened and what it meant.

Rose was great. I love how the hat just knew where she was meant to be. I also like how her and Dawnsfirstborn are in the same house. She is not too happy with Albus right now though.

Well that brings me to the end of another well written chapter. You sure know how to keep things interesting.


Author's Response: Hi there, I have been waiting for exactly the right time to post this response, as you shall see when you get to the bottom.

I really wanted to get that across, the excited buzz from the new students. In the first bit of this story, there are plenty more reasons to dislike Rose than to sympathise with her character. I had to give my readers some reasons to look favourably upon her, and her newly acquired friendship to the little goblin girl is the main one.

Don't worry, you will find out soon, exactly what the past relationship between Dawnsfirstbloom and Hagrid is.

Not only were they too pre-occupied with their own concerns, I meant to imply that with everything being so chaotic, they just got separated. It's just the latest in a line of things that hasn't gone the way that Rose expected things to go.

I have personally seen 11 year olds do this sort of thing. There are some boys who have some immature, yet strongly developed, urges in that area. Bullying is going to be one of the sub-themes in this story and here is the start of one aspect of it. Yes it didn't go anywhere, because for once the bully picked upon someone that they shouldn't. Certain types of boys often think that they are naturally better than girls at that age. So he thought that he could just pinch her and nothing would come of it except the sating of his own desires. He learn't his error soon enough and Rose forgot it and dismissed it as solved, but how that will fester in the boy's mind ... well, we shall find out later. As for the lack of a proper response from the teacher, that again is drawn from my own personal experiences. Quite often the sort of bullying behaviour that the boy showed, and yes, the rough-housing of Rose herself, is ignored and brushed over by teachers and those in authority. Bullies are so often rewarded for their behaviour, even if it's only by indifference to their actions.

Yes, that switch to Harry and the past was a bit jarring, I am considering re-writing it sometime.

I had to have a go, just had to, at a Sorting Hat song. Especially for this Sorting - that of my main protagonists. In the main I was happy with how it turned out.

Yes, Scorpius wasn't happy, but we don't know exactly why he was sorted into that house, nor do we know what the Hat said to him. More on that might be revealed at a later stage. You have not seen that much 'Slytherin' in him yet, but partly that is because - what exactly is a Slytherin. I am not taking the tack that JKR did, where most of the Slytherins that we actually meet are either nasty or bigoted or mean and sometimes all of the three. There will be heroes aplenty from all the houses and villains to match. But one thing that I am taking from the original Sorting Hat's song, from the first book, is one of the aspects of Slytherin-ness. It said then that it is the house for someone who wants to prove themselves, and that's certainly what Scorpius is desperate to do.

Albus. I have seen him written as being from any and all of the houses in many different stories that I've read - so I thought, why not put him in all. It is the sort of thing the Hat was always preaching in the books, and I thought that it would have wanted to sort more people in multiple houses if it could, but it probably had strict instructions to the contrary. This I thought was a loophole that the founders could not have predicted - that someone would be equal in all the traits they esteemed.

It's also interesting to do.

There was excited chatter, but there was silence as he came out from under the hat - they were all waiting for what he or a teacher would do.

We shall also see, down the track, what exactly happened to Rose as well. You can bet that she will be harbouring a desire to put the hat upon her head and see exactly what's what.

I'm glad you liked it, and much happier that you found it interesting. As of this response the story has had 7 reads, and this chapter has had 644; thank you all.

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Review #4, by ravenclaw_princess2% Cotton, 98% Boyfriend Material: Puns

21st March 2016:
Hi. Here for the BvB diadem edition

This is very cute. I can see why you were nominated for the follow the butterfly category. I really liked the characterisation of James and Sirius. They have a very playful friendship full of fun and hi-jinks, but it seems like James' crush on Lily is really starting to try Sirius' patience. It sounds like James has been agonising for quite some time over the perfect way to ask Lily out. It was such a cheesy line but definitely one to make you smile. Sirius really didn't think it was going to work, but I'm sure glad it did.

I like your portrayal of Lily. We only see her for a brief moment here, but it's enough to show that she is a really nice person and any animosity she held towards James is long gone.

The story flowed really well and the characters just bounced off of each other. The dialogue was natural and there was enough description to show the scene and the characters emotions without bogging it down in details. Its a really lovely little piece.


Author's Response: I know I'm really late but thanks for reviewing! I'm so glad to hear that you liked the characterization of James and Sirius, I had a lot of fun writing the two of them. I can imagine that James's pining probably would've started getting on anybody's nerve after some time, I'm fairly certain Sirius was praying for a miracle.

I've always pictured Lily as being really nice, just like what she described so I thought I'd write her the way I personally think she was like.

I'm so glad that you read and enjoyed this and again, thank you for reviewing!

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Review #5, by ravenclaw_princessChasing Dragons : But Guys, Dragons

10th March 2016:
Hello. I'm here for the review tag.

I quite like Charlie which is why I clicked on this story. He's very free spirited and no-one can tell him what to do. He knows his mind and he goes for it. That comes through really well her when he gives up a chance on playing quidditch for his country (something I'm sure many people would die for) to follow his dream of working with dragons.

I love how Charlie imagined dragons in all that he did. They really were his all consuming passion.

He does have an air of tactlessness to him. Sometimes brutal honesty is good, other times in can get you into trouble. I'm sure the quiddtich selectors were quite stunned when he turned them down so quickly.

You had a couple of lines I quite liked
"If he closed his eyes, it was easier to imagine. He was weightless. The horizon his only boundary." and
"Forget oysters; the world was his dragon egg, and it was ready to hatch."

The story was well written and had good grammar and spelling. The only thing I would say to improve on is to add a little bit more description and imagery into the story so as a reader, a can feel and sense what the character feels, rather than just observing what they do and say.

This was a lovely little story though and captured a nice moment in Charlies life.


Author's Response: Hey Jacqui! Thank you for the review! I am planning on expanding this a bit, so I appreciate your feedback. Thank you so much again!

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Review #6, by ravenclaw_princessAurora Borealis: If you love me, let me go...

9th March 2016:
Hi Anja. I was looking for something new to read, saw you online and decided to head to your authors page.

I quite like Dramione's though I do note that it's not your favourite pairing. The banner attracted me to the story, but then I read the summary so I knew I was in for a heatbreaker. While this story is definitely not roses and butterflies, it is beautiful in its own way.

I haven't read much from Draco's point of view before but it was refreshing. He's very broken in this story and has lost all the arrogance from his youth. Even at the first meeting with Hermione, you could tell that he is unsure of himself and a shell of who he used to be. I feel that Draco has given up on himself and wont allow himself to be happy. Then Hermione breaks him even more, gives him a fleeting moment of happiness only for her to be gone by morning. He would love to bring her back into his life, but is afraid of what she would do to his all ready damaged heart and mind.

Hermione is running from something and uses Draco as a release from reality, only for her logical mind to catch up to her by morning. It's like she struggles between what she thinks she is supposed to do (the expectations of ohers) to what her heart really wants. It this instance, it seems she took the easier road her mind was telling her to follow, only to then wish she'd followed her heart. But it was too late.

I love your descriptions throughout the story. You have definitely mastered the art of showing not telling and Draco's emotions came through really clearly in things like his white knuckles. I also love the metaphor about the sun and Aurora, it fitted in so beautifully with this story.

This is a lovely and well written story. Despite the fact that I'm now quite sad after reading this heartbreaking little tale, I really enjoyed it. I love it when I can leave a story and still feel all the emotion it brought out in me.


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Review #7, by ravenclaw_princessDifferent Time, Different Malfoy: Different Time, Different Malfoy

3rd March 2016:

I was looking for something fluffy to read, saw you were online and decided to head to your authors page. And I'm glad I did. This was just the story I was looking for.

It was a very nice snap shot into a moment in Scorpius and Rose's relationship, and while we don't know exactly what went down between them, you elude to it nicely without bogging down the story in flash backs and losing this sweet little moment.

This showed classic girl vs guy thinking habits.Rose expects Scorpius to be able to read her mind and know what's wrong, while Scorpius just has no idea. For him, if something is wrong, he would just say it. But not so for Rose. I'm glad she finally managed to get out her inner thoughts and put Scorpius out of his misery. There is nothing worse than having someone upset at you when you have absolutely no idea why.

I'm not surprised that Scorpius is a Hufflepuff in this story. He seems very calm and friendly in his language and demeanour. I really think your house choice matched your characterisation of him. I like how he burst out laughing too. Their family history doesn't bother Scorpius one bit.

The story was really nicely written and flowed well. I spotted one little typo

ďRose, I donít (KNOW) what I did to make you not talk to me..."

This was really sweet and I'm glad I stopped by for such a nice fluffy, happy story. This definitely delivered :)


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Review #8, by ravenclaw_princesswhen we were young: you sound like a song

23rd February 2016:
Hey. Here for BvB

This story is amazing and took me on such a lovely journey, ending somewhere I didn't expect but in a much better destination than I ever could have imagined. You certainly nailed the nostalgia and totally immersed me in the world of these two almost lovers.

You instantly know that there is a backstory to Rose and Scorpius. They are very familiar with the mannerisms of each other as they remember the time of the past. I like how the story implies the relationship they shared rather than tells it, it makes it more subtle, and heightens the nostalgia of it all as it keeps us, the reader, in their memories. The clearest memory seems to be when Rose said goodbye.

I imagine what they shared was powerful, and in another life, they were meant to be together, but Rose had dreams that not even love would sway her from. And Scorpius had his own dreams. You can tell there are still feelings there, that nostalgic feeling you have for someone that you never stopped loving, but life got in the way.

The moment they shared together on the dance floor was very sweet, and it transported them both back to their days at Hogwarts when they could be together. I like the changes that they noticed in each other, such as the smell of Rose's shampoo, its simple detail but shows the changes that have occurred, and while subtle, it also highlights that they are not exactly like each other remember. It felt like everything was gearing up for them to reignite their love...but as the song ended, so did the moment, yet they were both happy in the respective lives that they had.

You're writing is very eloquent and I was immersed in every word and emotions. This is simply a stunning piece and I'm so glad I chose it. Well done and a beautiful story.


Author's Response: Hi Jacqui!

Thank you so much for the lovely review!

I really wanted to capture history in this very brief moment between these characters. I wanted to show the idea that they have a very long history and though it didn't necessarily end badly, they did fall out and move their lives in different directions. They've been brought back together by chance though, so their brief encounter is full of a sense of nostalgia.

I definitely wanted to give those hints in the beginning that they would end up together again and then blindside the reader with Rose's marriage at the same time as Scorpius. So yes, we see that Rose is happy where she is now. Scorpius, well that's up to your interpretation.

Thank you again for reading this story and saying such kind things!


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Review #9, by ravenclaw_princessPride and Scorpius: Goblin Friends and Friends of Goblins

11th February 2016:
Hi. I'm here for BvB

The end of the last chapter was definitely a bit of a cliff hanger, but it turns out that there was nothing to worry about at all. Scorpius seems to have a few insecurities and is kind of fearful about how people will treat him because he's a Malfoy. He seems to have a pretty low view of himself and needs reassurance that he's not hated just because of his name and what happened in the war. It sounds like Draco has been doing a lot to help out the wizarding world, though I also get the impression that some of these things are not widely known.

The rich Goblin culture you're created come through again in this chapter. They're so hierarchical and have such an interesting way of addressing people. Nimblehand seems a bit stuck up and very traditional...he didn't particularly like being interrupted...but Dawnsfirstbloom and to an extent, Shineofiron, seem a little more relaxed.

I love Albus. He's so easy-going and accepting. He's very down to earth and could be friends with anyone. Rose has a real fire to her. I think she's quite judgmental, (she says herself that she isn't that fond of Scorpius based on first impressions) yet she's also kind of protective and righteous and would have defend him in a fight, if she had to.

Lovely chapter once again. It will be interesting to see where they all get sorted.


Author's Response: Hi there, I'm glad that the BvB brought you back to my story.

Yes, I am sorry, with the first three chapters I intentionally left each on a cliff-hanger. I knew that the three chapters were quite drawn-out (detailing as they did, what was only one train journey), so I wanted something that would draw my readers back; hence the cliff-hangers.

This was a natural one to play upon. I knew what a lot of my audience's expectations for the way Scorpius would be, so I wanted to subvert them. Just because Albus seems to be getting on with him, doesn't mean that everyone else would be. Having the boy turn up as he did, with the way that he asked for 'Malfoy', naturally led people to assume the likely outcome.

But I turned it on it's head. Yes, Malfoy senior has been doing some good works in the community, as evidenced by his scholarships, and you are quite correct that unlike his father before him, he has kept it quite as much as it has been possible for him to do. We will see more of Scorpius's father when he returns home for Christmas (the latest chapter published as of this response), and even more when first year ends and he goes home for the summer break.

As for Scorpius, he is fairly insecure and has been almost convinced that people would hate him just for his family name alone. So far the train journey has been very good to him.

I have put a lot of mental effort into thinking exactly how the goblin society would work. You are correct, I envision it being in someways very heirearchial - those closest to Gringotts would be those more in a position close to the true power of the goblins. Those further away, like Shineofiron of the northern unaligned tribes, would have much less. So Nimblehand is far more used to proper etiquette and polished bearing than either of the other two goblins.

Look, there is little to say about your opinions of the characters of Rose and Albus, you have basically gotten what I wanted to convey of them as far as this point. A bit more will be revealed of the character of Albus in the next chapter, when he gets sorted. But I don't think that it will be a surprise where Rose goes, for instance.

So stay on track, some of the sorting may just surprise you. Thanks for the review, as of this response the story as a whole has had 6383 reads, and this chapter has had 584; thank you all.

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Review #10, by ravenclaw_princessKeep Calm and Carry On: A Guide to Writing Speeches and Carrying On

9th February 2016:
Hey.I'm back for BvB

You are so good at writing witty banter. The characters are all so vibrant and alive. Now that the story has progressed, the voice of each character is a lot more defined and they all have such a unique personality. It sounds like such a high stress job and tensions would run high in the office at times so I imagine there could be some personality clashes to come, especially between Bruce and Linda.

The bewilderment of Lily in this new world comes through and you can tell she has no idea what she's gotten herself into. While everyone else is getting stressed and running ragged trying to get everything done, she kind of just watching on not knowing what's to come be sensing it can't be good. But this allows for some very sweet moments between Lily and Lorcan.

The plot is moving along at a nice pace and the writing continues to be strong. Well done on another great chapter.


Author's Response: Hey Jacqui! Thanks for another great review!

Ahh I'm so glad to hear you think all that! My biggest fear as this story goes on is that it becomes boring/predictable and that all of the characters are too similar. I know that I could never have a job like this so it's a lot of me making stuff up haha. But I'm really glad you're enjoying the story!

Lily is definitely pretty confused but she'll catch on over time. Luckily she has Lorcan there to help out! ;)

Thanks so much for your comments! I really appreciate it. :)


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Review #11, by ravenclaw_princessChasing Fireflies: The Letter

19th January 2016:
Hello. I'm here for your requested review.

This is quite an interesting little tale. The thought of Remus infected anyone with Lycanthropy is unheard of in my mind as he's such a gentle soul so it will be interesting to see how it came about. It sounds like it was accidental, and that they didn't think she would be affected by it, but unfortunately they were wrong.

You've created a very detailed world. I like all the details that you included about magical blood and how muggles can still have just enough, that while they can't produce magic, can still feel it and, so it would seem, contract lycanthropy. It seems like muggles, or mundanes, are more accepted in the US and I like the 'concept' of the charm that they carry with them to show they are 'wizard friends'. Still, I imagine there is quite a lot of prejudice against them.

The details about the US Ministry was also really creative and it's interesting to see what lengths the wizarding world goes to to keep their lives secret. It seems that Sarah has found a role for herself, even though she is in a difficult place in society, being both a wizard friend and a werewolf.

Sarah seems quite strong and makes the most out of the bad situation that life has thrown at her. But you can also sense her yearning to belong somewhere, as she doesn't really fit in either world. You can see this when she looks longingly at the wand. I also sense a little bit of bitterness in her, but she manages to thrown these thoughts away. It will be interesting to see her character develop.

I like the final letter and the how it developed through the story. It wasn't an easy letter for her to write, but I think it turned out pretty well. I like the mention of fireflies as it ties in with the title of the story and gives a little back ground to their relationship. I do wonder how the interaction between these two will go.

Grammar and spelling were pretty good and the story flowed well. There was quite a bit of information thrown into this chapter, such as details about wizarding blood and the US department, so while informative, I wonder if it could be spread out more through the story. But overall, it was a really well written first chapter.


Author's Response: Hello Jacqui,

I apologize for being late responding to your lovely review. I was trying to cram writing between RL.

This story was actually my first HP fanfic. I recently updated it as part of my recent NaNo, which is why the AU world is so detailed. Chasing Fireflies is part of a larger series which I have been building for several years now. One of the elements that came from such a long percolation period is the idea of magical blood and what effects that might have. Hermione's parents were mere Muggles, so how did they produce a witch? Was there one in their family tree generations back? If so, might not magic have been a recessive trait then?

It was this sort of line of questioning that lead me to create wizard-friends. No matter how hard the Ministry or the USBMS tries to keep the wizarding world a secret, there are bound to situations in which a Muggle would learn of it. Muggle marry wizards/witches and are trusted to keep things secret, and that's just one situation. More importantly, the Ministry/USBMS cannot work effectively if they totally isolate themselves from the Muggle/Mundane world. There have to be some sort of liaisons besides the halfblooded folks.

Enter Sarah. Because of her past, she's the perfect bridge between the magical and mundane. Yet she doesn't fit in either world, not really. She's had to live in this sort of limbo for many years and as a result, has learned to at least try to make lemonade from the lemons she was handed. The fact that she was also a military brat also is a factor. Constant moving across the county or overseas can make a military child learn to be more independent and strong. That's why while there's a sense of bitterness to Sarah, she still tries to find her place in those worlds, and not blame Remus for infecting her.

I will agree that this chapter does have a lot of information stuffed into it. As I mentioned earlier, it was my first fanfic and while I did make an effort to update it recently, I probably should have tried to balance this chapter a bit more. I√ʬĬôll have to put it on my to-do list.

Thanks so much for the in-depth review. It was very helpful!



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Review #12, by ravenclaw_princessThe Nine and a Half Lives of the Boomerang Girl: Beginning Again

18th January 2016:
Hi. I'm finally here for your requested review. You asked for chapter 2 specifically, but I did read chapter 1 so I knew what was happening.

I found chapter 1 to be very interesting and well written. I learnt quite a lot about Thalia and the dynamics of her family and the evilness of Romilda. Thalia was quite broken by the end of the chapter and it's understandable that she chose to run away.

I found this chapter to be a little dialogue heavy with lots of banter between the characters, but I was left feeling a bit confused about who they all were and how they fitted into the context of Thalia's life now. I fell like a little more information was required, like what is Clover Farm, what is her role there? I also want to get more of a sense of what Thalia is thinking; there is a lot of description of what she is doing, but I want to know more about what she is feeling, what emotions are running through her head when she sees the familiar sights or hears the name Romilda.

The first few paragraphs were good as they gave an insight into where Thalia had been the last few years and how she had never really been able to find herself after what Romilda had done. It's like the only way she will be able to face those demon's is to stop running away from them and come home. There were little hints about her past, like a troubled relationship in New Zealand maybe...and it will be interesting to see how these have affected her life and brought her to this point.

Lachlan seems like a pretty happy and interesting character. It looks like Winnie is trying to push them together and you never know.she might least he's not a Potter.

Spelling and grammar were pretty good and the chapter generally flowed well; I'd just like to see a little more explanation in places to understand the context of her location and circumstances, and also maybe a little more reflection to link back into chapter 1.

I'll be happy to review further chapters for you if you'd like and PM me if you have any questions.


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Review #13, by ravenclaw_princessA Tale of Three Children: Muggle-Born

14th January 2016:
Hello. I'm here for your requested review.

I quite liked this piece. It so clearly shows the confusion of a muggle born wizard growing up and seeing magic all around him but not understanding it. When he was quite young, he would blurt out everything he sees, but as he grew older and wiser, he realised that this just made him sound crazy. But he knew he wasn't crazy and that what he was seeing was really there. He just didn't understand it.

I like the tone of this piece and it feels like it is coming from a 12-year-old. For a short piece, I can get a real sense of Joey's character. He's a bit bewildered by what's he's seeing, but he knows that he is seeing something. Lucky and answer comes to him in the form of Hagrid, but I sense that Joey is the type of person who would have gone seeking answers on his own. I think he will be a bit like Hermione actually.

I like the inclusion of canon events and I knew exactly what car he had seen, even before you described the occupants. This is a nice touch as it ties this tale into the greater story. From my recollection, what you describe is in canon with the books.

The story flows well and grammar was good. There are a few typo's in the story. Here are a couple of them, but there could be more so another read through would be good to tidy these up.
"Joey could hlonly (only) hope that the police"
"with a ling (long) bushy beard,"

This is a great start and you write really well. I'm interested to see what the other children are like. I'm more than happy to review additional chapter if you wish.


Author's Response: I'm really glad you like the story! The idea of including the canon events just suddenly struck my mind; I hadn't thought of that before! Although I had to calculate the years..xD.

I'll be sure to fix those typos! Gosh, those are so embarrassing. I typed the whole story up on my phone. Can you tell? I'm going to upload the second chapter in a while I think, so I'd appreciate your thoughts on that as well. Thanks again!

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Review #14, by ravenclaw_princessBedtime for Luna: Bedtime for Luna

13th January 2016:
Hello. Here for BvB.

I picked this story as I was interested in what people did with the bedtime challenge. This is a very sweet story and I love Luna. Personally, I don't think I could ever do her character justice so I admire everyone that can write her well, which you have.

The characteristics that define Luna are incorporated seamlessly into this story, with the Dirigible Plums and the Kneazle and then the garden-gnomes being good luck. Luna is very sweet and i can tell she would make a great mother. She comes across as so relaxed and easy going as well that it's hard to think of anything ever phasing her.

I like how she talks to her mum at the end, it s part of Luna that you don't see very often and it also shows the love she has for Rolf.

I noted a small consistency error. Before the Lullaby, Luna is brushing Lorcan's hair, but then after, she is brushing Lysanders. Maybe she moved from one of her sons to the next, it just didn't specifically I thought I'd point it out :)

The is a really lovely story and I feel relaxed and peaceful now after reading it. Well done


Author's Response: Thank you so much for catching that continuity error. The nice part of being a TA is fixing stuff like that right away, so I fixed it right away. Much, much appreciated.

Glad you enjoyed this sweet little story of Luna, Rolf and her children. I think it shows that I love writing Luna and take great care with her characterization.

Thank you so much for this nice review. This is a kneazle-approved review!

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Review #15, by ravenclaw_princessHermione Granger: Prologue: Harry Needed Her

5th January 2016:
Hi Beth. I'm here for BvB.

I can see how this story can fit into all those challenges. There is sure alot of angst and trauma to be told.

The fragility of Hermione is shown really clearly in the first section through the eyes of Ron. When you haven't seen someone in a while, is easier to recongnise the changes that have taken place...which also begs the question of why has it been 5 months since he saw her, has she been suffering on her own and distancing herself from them? I'm sure all will be revealed. He can see the changes in her instantly, not just in her appearance but in her demeanor. It doesn't seem like Ron knew that HErmione was suffering as her appearance came as a shock to him, so maybe she has been hiding herself away.

In the second section, we get an understanding on the reason behind her suffering. She went through a lot in Malfoy Manor and then it was straight on to Gringotts and Hogwarts and then the final battle and then the funerals, and Hermione, stubborn as she is, would have pushed everything aside to remain strong and defiant. But she suffered tremdously from the hand of Bellatrix and the PTSD is taking it's toll. It's sweet how Ron never let go of her and this probably helped Hermione through those first few days as she was never alone.

I like the ending with 'Harry needed her'. I think this sums up exactly how Hermione managed to pull herself through those days. She never really thinks about herself, she always thinks of others first.

I love Hermione and she is always so strong and I like the vulnerability that you've shown in her. This is shaping up to be another really good story and I like how it ties in a bit with ASLTW. You're writing is beautiful and flows so nicely.


Author's Response: Hi Jackqui,

Thank you so much for this lovely review. Eeep - you picked up on everything I was trying to convey and I love all the questions you have. I don't want to give away too much of the story, but I'm going to say that you are VERY insightful :)

I think you and I are on the same page regarding Hermione. She feels the pressure to be strong for everyone else, until her own tragedies swallow her up.

Thanks again!

♥ Beth

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Review #16, by ravenclaw_princessKeep Calm and Carry On: A Guide to Keeping Calm and Apparating

25th December 2015:
Here's another gift for you. Told you I'd be back.

Once again, you have a strong chapter. The political scene is quite different to that of the books and the details are slowly falling into place. I like how you weave the details into the plot effortlessly, and only when needed, rather than doing a big detail dump. While the details are coming out slowly, I haven't found myself wondering whats going on. I like how the political system you've created. It seems like there are two political camps that will run head to head for the Minister position, but first you have to win over your own team.

Lorcan has a way of finding himself in situations that he could never have orchestrated on his own. Its quite funny how he can't work out if Camille was flirting with him or not. It doesn't sound like he's had much luck with girls. If I had to guess his house, I'd say Hufflepuff.

Erick is a Slytherin and based on his comment, no one else is. I think Branson's a Gryffindor.

Lily...not too sure about, I'm leaning towards Ravenclaw. She seems quite logical and intelligent. Sounds like she had her heart broken a few years back...poor girl. I like the detail about her being a celiac. As I was reading, I thought that either yourself or someone you know suffer from it. It wasn't just the detail of the disease, but it was the emotions and struggles that it brought about that seemed very authentic.

I would love to give you some CC, but I'm just loving this story so much and I'm struggling to find anything. I did spot a few spelling/grammar errors, so maybe you could have another read through to pick these up, but that's all I've got on the CC front.

Great job. I'm loving it.


Author's Response: Heya Jacqui! Thanks again for your wonderful presents!

Wow, this review has blown me away! Something I've been paying attention to with my writing is the whole idea of showing instead of telling, and for this fic, I was worried that the amount of background info necessary would really complicate that. Your comments about this have been great to hear, so thank you for sharing them!

Ah Hufflepuff, interesting call! You'll have to stick around to see if you're right. :P It's been fun to see what people think about Houses because I've gotten a wide variety of calls!

As much as I talk about abusing Lorcan, Lily has got it pretty rough, too! She had a tough relationship in the past and Celiac can be rough. I'm so glad you think I conveyed the Celiac situation well, because I was concerned that it was just kinda shoehorned in there, but I really wanted to get some representation!

Aw thank you so much! I definitely get overeager when I finish KCACO chapters and post them immediately, so I usually miss some dumb mistakes.

Thanks again for your kind works! I'm so happy to hear your thoughts and I hope you continue enjoying this story!


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Review #17, by ravenclaw_princessKeep Calm and Carry On: A Guide to St. Mungo's and Carrying On

24th December 2015:
Merry Christmas. I'm back with aother gift as this story is pretty cool.

I was in fits of laughter at the beginning. You do comedic writing so well. These were a couple of my favourite lines

"his robes swishing in a way that would be dramatic if they werenít lime green."

"At least there was no dried blood, but itís not exactly a good sign when the upside of a situation is that thereís no dried blood involved."

"Heís about as professional as a platypus.Ē (I love platypus' so this really made me laugh.)

This chapter is just as strong as the fist and I love your writing style. You inject humour seamlessly into the narrative.

Lorcan is a great character. It doesn't matter what he does, something always goes wrong. Sometimes it's just minor, like hitting his desk with his head, other times its a little more dramatic, like knocking out his boss. I guess when you've been round him long enough, you just learn to except that things will go wrong when he's around. He's even quirky when it comes to work with the job advert.but I'm sure he's serious when he really needs to be, otherwise he wouldn't be held in such high steed by Branson.

I like the political aspects and it was interesting running through different people to see if they were potential candidates and is it would influence how they run and the political spin they put on things. I feel like I'm getting and inside look into politics and what happens behind the Photoshopped billboards and glitzy advertisements to the scheming behind them.

Each of the minor characters have a unique voice which shows that you've put a lot of thought into each one. Erick seems to be the efficient second in command sort and Peter seems like the highly polite, slightly weird and overlooked type.

I love the banter between Lily and Lorcan and it was cool to hear some of the backstory of their families. I'm also appreciative for your authors note about Lorcan and Lysander not being twins because I was questioning myself for a second :)

Awesome job.and soon I will be back for chapter 3


Author's Response: Heya Jacqui, thanks again for being so generous with your gifts! You're way too kind.

Oh man, you made my week with this review! Thanks so much for your comments on the style! I find Lorcan's voice really funny and it's great to see other people thinking that as well. Those are some of my favorite lines from this chapter, so thanks for sharing! I always love seeing what sticks out to people as notable.

If you've ever seen Parks and Recreation, I kind of picture Lorcan as the embodiment of "Ben Wyatt, Human Disaster." He's so wonderful but so unlucky, and I feel bad abusing him as I do when I write him! I keep getting him into all of these messes and I'm sure he resents me terribly. :P But he'll show up when it really matters, I'm sure.

It's really fun to imagine this side to the politics, especially because I have so much freedom with it! I'm glad you find it interesting, because I'm definitely trying to stick that and not bore anybody!

I'm so excited that you think the characters seem distinct! That's something I'm really focusing on and it's great that it's coming through. It's hard to have so much new stuff to throw at readers at once, but I'm glad it seems to be working!

Haha yeah I only doublechecked the actual canon info on Lorcan and Lysander after thinking through the story, and I was kinda like...oh well and just ran with it! Lorcan and Lily definitely have some weird history/dynamics going on!

Thanks again for your review! I really appreciate it and I hope you continue enjoying the story!


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Review #18, by ravenclaw_princessFinding Him: morning.

23rd December 2015:
Merry Christmas. Here is a gift for the Ravenclaw Gift exchange.

I really like how you began this story and I also really liked your sentiments about love. I found myself smiling as the words struck a cord with how I've felt sometimes. It sure is a hard feeling to describe and I don;t even want to try. Love just is, and when you're in love, you know. It isn't always accompanied with fireworks, fountains and a string quartet playing quietly in the background, but it is love, none-the-less. I like how it had a different voice to the remainder of the story too. It felt like this was a nice little prologue to the main story.

I like your characterisation of Rose. She seems a little bit lost in life right now and not particularly keen to open up to anyone. I also get the impression she feels quite ordinary compared to Albus and James and these feelings come across is in slightly sarcastic wit. I quite like Albus too. He has quite a strong and confident character and he's looking out for Rose. He knows when enough is enough and when it's time for something to be said.

Whatever Scorpius did, it's left a very strong impression on her. Four years on and it doesn't sound like she's moved on much. I can tell there is a whole lot of backstory to come so I'm not even going to try and guess what happened. I sure hope Rose manages to find him thought as it sounds like she really l.o.v.e's him.

The story flowed nicely and I felt drawn into the characters. This is a strong first chapter and you've left quite a bit of mystery about the history and future of Rose and Scorpius.


Author's Response: Hello! I would say Merry Christmas but I'm replying a month later (by the way, sorry about that... it always takes me forever to be ready to respond).

I actually enjoyed reading your thoughts on love right now. I think you sum it up in a few words better than I can. And it's great to hear that the beginning was't over the top or anything of that sort. It is a prologue of sorts but I didn't want it to be too long or a chapter by itself since I was too excited on getting started with the action.

I have to say I like Rose quite a bit too. I never say that about characters that I write since I try to be humble and all, but she's the one I can say that about and not feel bad about it. I think it has to do with writing Rose in a more negative light in another story so I liked writing the Rose I actually see her as in this story. She does feel a bit ordinary, and I think it isn't just Albus and James she feels she pales in comparison too but a lot of her other cousins as well. She's always tried to hide it though. I'm glad you like Albus! He's probably one of the only people that can get Rose to do anything so he's a major part in the story.

Scorpius did leave an impression on her, though he didn't particularly mean to. And they do have a backstory and it'll be unraveling in future chapters to come. I think Rose would appreciate you spelling out the l word as well.

Thank you for the sweet review! I really appreciate it and I loved hearing your thoughts on everything. Thanks again!!


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Review #19, by ravenclaw_princessEidolon: Yellow Cotton

23rd December 2015:
Merry Christmas. Here is a gift for the Ravenclaw gift exchange.

I can tell this story is going to be full of angst and family drama. It took a little while to narrow down the protagonist but all was revealed in the end. James has a lot of anger and resentment towards his family which led to him running away. While he alludes that is is because of being in the spotlight, I doubt this is the full story. His wounds run far too deep for this to be the reason. He hasn't just run away from the spotlight, he has run away from his family and all contact so something must have gone down and I can't wait to know what.

I feel that James may never have lived up to his families/fathers expectations and this started to cause a rift that grew larger and eventually became unbridgeable. Maybe they never tried to understand him and what he wanted and it's only since running away and making his own way in the world, that he has started to find his own feet. While he doesn't want to think about them, he hasn't written them completely out of his life, which is why he does go back to London. But the longer he was away, they harder it was to return and know what to say, and then it just becomes easier to keep away. I imagine there will be fireworks when they see he's returned.

Albus' letter was a nice way of showing the other side of the story in a quite a succinct way. It sound like Ginny has really been suffering since James left and no one really knows what to say or do about him now. He may not be there physically, but his presence lingers on.

You're a beautiful writer and your use of metaphors and imagery are enviable. The start with the metaphor on wine to blood to family was a seamless transition of thoughts. I also really liked the image of "cauldrons hopping back into stores with clunking, clanging steps." Its a small detail but helps to create such a rich atmosphere.

Well done. I can tell this is the beginning of a great story with some really interesting characters.


Author's Response: Hey there, Jacqui! :) Thank you so much for dropping by!

Yeah, I've always wanted to write something family-centric, since I finished my Black family-centric murder mystery, and Next Gen just seemed so good for it, given all of the new characters and relationships and so on :) I kinda wanted to keep James' identity a little bit secret at the beginning, so I'm glad you liked it - and yeah, it's definitely not the full story. It's a big, emotional thing with James, and it's been going on for a long time - it's lots of fun to write, if it does make you appreciate family a lot :P

You're definitely pretty much spot on with most of that! ;) I think James kinda finds that its harder to just leave and cut all ties than he thinks, you know? Like, I have family who that happened to, and it was never easy, or simple, so I kinda wanted to portray it like that in this, too. It's definitely going to be an interesting meeting, though! :)

Ah, thank you! :D Yeah, none of the pov characters in this are really entirely reliable narrators - they all have their own specific points of view and so on, so they look at things very differently. But yeah, I liked giving a glimpse of the family's situation since he left, so I'm glad you liked it too! :)

Gahhh, thank you so much! :) I really love writing description but always worry I go seriously overboard on it, haha, so I'm so happy you liked it in this!

Thank you so much for the wonderful review - it was such a lovely gift to get! :)

Aph xx

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Review #20, by ravenclaw_princessIn Love: You Are In Love

23rd December 2015:
Merry Christmas. Here is a gift for the Ravenclaw gift exchange.

This is so sweet and fluffy. It might be a venture outside of what you normally write, yet you have done extremely well. You should write cute fluffiness more often.

I love how your describe so many of the things that happen between two people when they are in love. It starts with the tender moment at the beginning of the story when they are just feeling how their bodies react to the other. Then it goes to how well he knows her that he instinctively can tell when she is afraid or nervous etc, and he can comfort her and aide her as best he can. He knows just what to say to provide you with comfort.

But things aren't always perfect and you touch on this at the end. But even after heated discussions and a time out, there is no where they would rather be than in each others arms. The last line, fits so well with the piece and ties it together nicely.

Well done. This was a great read and in so few words too.


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Review #21, by ravenclaw_princessThe Gifts: Harry: The Gifts: Harry

21st December 2015:
Merry Christmas. I have a gift for you as part of the Ravenclaw gift exchange :)

This is quite a touching story and Hermione (for some reason I don't think Ron would have come up with the idea), knew exactly what to get Harry. Harry seems to still love Hedwig a lot and probably blames himself for her death, but he was also ready to accept a new owl into his life. It was definitely a nice surprise for him.

I don't envy poor Rose for flooing with an owl in tow. I'm sure that was quite an interesting experience. Rose must have been very excited about the gift seeing as she's the one who picked out the owl and then gave it to Harry.

You've managed to say a lot in 500 words and you've also captured a very tender moment for the family. Well done.


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Review #22, by ravenclaw_princessKeep Calm and Carry On: A Guide to Keeping Calm and Coffee Stains

20th December 2015:
Merry Christmas. Here is another gift for the Ravenclaw gift exchange.

I saw this story and I had to come read it. Wizard politics is something glimpsed but not really explained. I've played around with wizarding politics in one of my stories so I was interested to see your take on it. Its not everywhere that you can be made the Minister, then stay there for as long as they like without elections. This seems to work for the wizarding world though and they haven't really ended up with evil dictators or anything. It sounds like Shacklebolt did bring about some changes with the wizarding assembly and updating laws to the 21st century.

I love Lorcans' voice in this piece. He's quite charismatic and quite funny at times. He loves what he does, even if at times he'd like to be in Finland. But even while he's thinking this, he is already planning what he's going to write. It seems like he has a bit of a love/hate relationship with his boss. She's a driven women and pushes her team, but I'm sure they reap the rewards of her success as well, even though the aren't the public face.

It's quite an interesting career to decide on so young, but he did and he fought for his place and has achieved great success after only seven years. I liked how your described his parents reactions as 'supportively confused'. I think this sums it up nicely.

Every character in the team has a distinct personality. There were a few of them so they aren't all clear in my head yet, but you can see differences in them. Helen Branson is a hard task master but underneath, I think she values her team immensely, she just has funny ways of showing it. Her personality really matches her nickname. I don't particularly want to be Lorcan when she wakes up.

The story flowed pretty well, but I did find that the section breaks around Lorcon's background broke the flow a little. It's important info and helped me understand the setting a lot more, but i feel it would flow better if it all merged together without section breaks. Grammar and spelling were really good.

I'm quite interested to see what speeches Lorcan crafts. Most people I know hate writing speeches, and you have a story which potentially could herald lots of speeches, but if your first one from Kingley is anything to go by, then I know they'll all be superb.

Well done. This is an awesome and unique story and I'm definitely going to be back to read more.


Author's Response: Hey Jacqui! Thanks so much for all the gifts you left and I'm sorry again for how long it's taken me to get back to this.

That's exactly why I first wanted to write this fic! I was always confused by how politics work in the Wizarding world, so I wanted to figure out more of that. In doing so, I realized that it was completely illogical, so I gave it a slight modern twist (based largely on US politics, unfortunately!). And for the most part they've avoided evil dictators, but Voldemort did get pretty far in the Ministry! :P

I'm glad you like Lorcan! He's a really fun character to write, and I'm shocked that you describe him as "charismatic," but I totally see it! He loves his job, deep down, but the day to day monotony has eaten away at that a bit. Branson certainly works him hard enough!

Part of what I love about Lorcan's drive (towards speechwriting, which is such a random career!) is how different it is from his parents! Luna is clearly not very politically attuned but something about it speaks to Lorcan!

Haha I'm glad you've gotten such a clear view of Branson already! She's one of the biggest personalities there, so it makes sense that she's overshadowing others right now. Lorcan's colleagues really come into their own later in the story, so I hope that'll shine through!

Thanks for the comments about the background info-- I had trouble working all of the exposition into this one, crazy day, but I'll definitely take a look at it and try to think through integrating it better. :)

Thanks so much for saying this about Kingsley's speech! I'm terrified of writing speeches, so this was actually such a silly fic to write, but hopefully I'll grow into it.

Thanks so much for your kind review! I hope you continue to enjoy the story. :)


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Review #23, by ravenclaw_princessAcceptance: The Darkest Night

20th December 2015:
Merry Christmas. Here is a gift for the Ravenclaw gift exchange.

I was quite intrigued by the summary of this one and it also didn't have much love so I thought I'd give it a read. It might be your first story posted, but this doesn't diminish the quality at all. It's a very strong and well written piece.

I live how Dennis went through such a transition of emotions, from disbelief, to denial, then to anger and finally acceptance. And with the acceptance he also acknowledges that he must continue to live and to experience all the things that Colin never could, yet keep him in his heart always so that in a way, Colin can experience them too.

The use of the repetition of short phrases was quite cool, and how these came in at the different stages of Dennis' grief. I like how they changed from maybe statements to 'he would' statements as it shows his strength of character. The Death Eaters are gone now; he can't let them rule his life any longer, but only he can pull himself out of his own grief.

Through Dennis' eyes here, you can see how much Colin, and Dennis to a degree, look up to Harry. They have been in hiding, but when the final battle looms, Colin doesn't want to stand back and hide anymore, he wants to get in there and fight. I don't think Colin was born a fighter, he's more of a peacemaker. Yet he always showed his bravery and willingness to help, such as with Dumbledores Army. I'm sure he was terrible frightened, but he overcame that to fight for his own freedom as well as the wizarding world, just like a true Gryffindor.

Colin's fate was pretty sad and you've done a wonderful job in immortalising his effort in the fight against Voldemort. Well done.


Author's Response: Hey Jacqui! Thanks for the gift and sorry it's taken so long to reply!

Thanks for your kind remarks about this story! It is my first story and why I originally made an account on HPFF, so it's nice to come back to it every now and then!

I was exactly trying to convey the stages of grief, and the conclusion Dennis comes to is exactly what you've articulated. It's a lot to deal with for a teenager! I'm glad you liked the structure. I like to imagine that Dennis has reclaimed his life from Death Eaters, but it's probably going to take more. Honestly just reading your review has made me emotional because Colin's death makes me so sad, and he definitely looked up to Harry/didn't want to fight.

Thanks so much for your gift and taking such a thorough look at this story! It's made me take a new look at the story and remember what I like about it. I really appreciate it. :)


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Review #24, by ravenclaw_princessI'm Me, And I'm Fabulous!: Agender

20th December 2015:
Merry Christmas. Here is a gift for you as part of the Ravenclaw Gift Exchange.

You've picked a sensitive topic to explore and you've pulled it off with great understanding and compassion. All the research you put in really showed as the thoughts of Tonks seemed quite authentic. It must be a confusing time, working out where you belong when you don't seem to fit into the gender stereotypes of society. Tonk's is just being herself yet doesn't feel like she fits. I'm glad that she has Charlie and Bill who understand her.

I quite like how in the end, Tonk's hair changes to purple, basically on it's own accord. This is quite symbolic and highlighted the moment in her own head when she discovered who she was. It's a shame in some ways that she needed to give herself a definition, but this is what the world does, categorises everyone.

I quite like this line. "Skirts made my legs feel cold. Trousers were warm, more practical." I totally identify with this. Trousers are so much more practical and it's so annoying, that just because you're a girl, they think you should wear skirts at school. I'm so happy that Tonks said no way to this and went for trousers.

The story flowed nicely and the spelling and grammar were good. I really enjoyed this an I feel like I've come out of it understanding a little more of the struggles that that agender people face.


Author's Response: Thank you so much for choosing this piece to review for the gift exchange!

I really struggled writing this piece, because I'm not personally anything other than cisgender, so I really had to put myself in someone else's shoes here. I'm glad I did though, as I feel like I have a much better understanding of gender and its fluidity. I did have to grill my non-cis friends, and luckily they didn't mind!

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Review #25, by ravenclaw_princessPride and Scorpius: Dawnsfirstbloom

20th December 2015:
Merry Christmas Andrew. Here is a gift for the Ravenclaw Gift Exchange.

You have created such a rich world with the inclusion of he goblins. But, you didn't just include them. Oh've created their own language, and dialect and customs and society structure. It's just amazingly detailed. I liked how Albus initially spoke to them in their language. It shows how polite and accepting Albus is. He's just seems to be the nicest person their is. He wants them to feel comfortable, in what must be a daunting new world for Dawnsfirstborn, so by speaking in their tongue, its a great way to show that he perceives them as equal to him.

It's cool that Scorpius can speak Gobbledygook too. It puts Rose a bit out of the loop for a moment and I get the impression that she doesn't like being left out of anything. But it's awesome that she wants to learn gobbledygook too. It shows just how accepting she is of other magical creatures.just like her mother. Shame she's not so accepting of Scorpius though.

Rose seemed to 'get' Dawnsfirstborn rather quickly at the beginning. They're only 11 and while Rose is quite perceptive, I feel that they had hardly been together long enough for Rose to see her 'inner strength' or that shes 'out of her depth' within seconds of meeting her. It seems like this sort of thing would work better into the latter part of the chapter after there is more interaction between them.

I found the scene with the trolley quite interesting. Firstly, why is Scoprius so nervous? I'm not sure it's quite as simple as what Rose thinks. I also really like the explanation of why Dawnsfirstborn is so keen to buy sweets for everyone. Again, it goes back to the rich goblin culture you've created. And I had to laugh when Albus sprouted out that Rose and Scorpius had the same order.

Great job on your second chapter. I really enjoyed it and I marvel at the detail you've put into every aspect of this story.


Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review, it did jolly up my Christmas, indeed it did.

The presence of Goblins at Hogwarts isn't going to be a major thing of this story, after all, there will only ever be about six, at most seven, goblins in the school at any one time. The story that JKR was telling had constrictions on what it could show of the goblin culture - some of the final books were long enough without going into to the sort of unnecessary detail (storywise) that would be needed to flesh out the goblin race. But I don't think that a whole society should be thought of as homogeneous based upon the one small sample that we are allowed to see in a book/film/etc.

So with goblins, I have taken the tack that they are a smallish race (in numbers I mean, not size) who are ever caught between two great cultures: that of Muggles and the one of wizards. So they have had to adapt their culture to live within the bounds that they can and to adjust accordingly. We will find out more about them when Dawnsfirstbloom returns home at Christmas time.

Albus is a wonderfully welcoming character isn't he. That is how I've always read him and I am just carrying on the tradition here.

As to why Scorpius knows the goblin tongue, well we shall have to speculate upon that for a little while longer. One of the things it does though is to put Rose's nose out of joint. There is simply no real reason to have her being able to understand the language. So she doesn't and feels keenly the lack in the company she is in. Yes Rose is accepting of other creatures, like her mother, but I feel that you are casting too benevolent an eye upon her desire to learn Gobbledygook. After this train journey and finding herself the only one in the compartment that didn't know something, she would damn heaven and hell to rectify the situation.

As for Scorpius: Rose can forgive Albus for knowing the language, he has a reason, and the goblins too, that's only natural, but Scorpius showing her up is just another entry into the ledger of things she is finding annoying about him.

And now onto your criticism and ... it's completely valid. Adding to the implausibility of it all as well, is the fact that normally Rose isn't a very good judge of character. One of the things I will say in my defense is that in Dawnsfirstbloom's swagger across the room to jump up into her seat and then her trepidacious look into the face of Rose;
Rose saw much and inferred much too. Rose understands much about marching into things confidently, even when you are nervous. In the behaviour of the little goblin girl she saw an echo of herself and understood it. I have often wondered if I should go back and rewrite it slightly to show more of my reasoning behind the interaction. One of the things I needed though was for the friendship to be established soon and quickly. In my defence it was how I met one of my best friends in Junior High - we were sitting on a bench together and he reached over a hand for me to shake, introducing himself and saying that, 'no matter what, we will always be friends from this date onwards'. And we were.

Why was Scorpius so nervous, well the answer is soon to come as it is revealed in the next chapter. I'm glad you liked the bit with Dawnsfirstbloom and the sweets: it was fun to write in and of itself, but it does highlight some important things. Some of them are to come, but you are correct, one is to illuminate the culture of goblins even further. Another of course is to have Albus announce that Scorpius and Rose like the same things. I am doing my best to keep the two apart until it is time for them to get together when they are older, but I have to give my readers some hope after all.

Thank you for the wonderful review. As of this response the story has had 5194 reads in total and this chapter has had 722, thank you all.

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