First off, I want to say thank you for taking my challenge! :)
Second, I love the idea you came up with! It's really interesting. I do have some advice to help with it and you can take it or leave it.
Your paragraphing could use some work. Some of them are quite long and stories flow better with good paragraphing. Also, you had this: Ginevra "Molly" Weasley. Ginevra is known as Ginny, not Molly.
You have some grammatical errors as well.
Like I said, you have a great idea here! I really like it, but I think you could use the help of a beta. They can really help with catching errors and such.
Again, thank you for submitting this! :) I enjoyed it and best of luck with the rest of your stories!Author's Response: You're quite welcome.
I'm glad that you found the idea to be interesting. I always like to come up with engaging ideas.
I know that Ginny is known as Ginny not Molly. But I can hardly believe that her name is simply Ginny Weasley.
I'm usually not so bad with grammatical errors that I require a beta, so I'm sorry for that.
I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Report Review
This was excellent! :D I normally don't like stories that have Harry as a main character, but this was really good. You did an awesome job! Thanks for doing this for my challenge. :)
10/10Author's Response: That means a lot, that you don't enjoy reading Harry, but you still liked my story. I really appreciate that and I take it as a great compliment, which of course I am quite happy about. Thanks for making the challenge! I've been dying to write Luna for a while now; I feel so connected to her when I write, and it's so easy to imagine her and what she'd do (although there was one bit in there that was off, if I'm being honest).
By the way, I can't wait to read more of your story Crash & Burn. I'm a big fan of Sirius/OC, and I've been a fan of your story a while now. :) Report Review
I really liked how you gave focus to the Marauders. It was very well done too. :) Again, I didn't find any mistakes and it went along nicely. Great job! :)
I'd love to read/review the rest just please rerequest. :) Also, when you rerequest you just need to put the link on there. No need to go through the trouble filling the form out every time. :)Author's Response: Thanks again SayaEvange! And I appreciate the note about the form, I just didnt want to get anything wrong :)
Im really glad that youre still enjoying this, its been a long time in the making so its reassuring that other people like it and not just me!
Shall re-request when I get a minute to go back to the forums. Thanks.
Mel Report Review
That was amazing! You did a great job on it! I honestly don't have anything to tell you except for great this is! Seriously, you're an amazing writer. This piece had so much emotion! It was just completely amazing! I love it! This is definitely one of the best fics I've read. Awesome job! Let me know if you need me to review anything else for you!
10/10!Author's Response: *blushes* Thanks. I\\\'m happy you like it :) I really wanted to portray as much of the characters emotions as I could and I\\\'m glad I managed to do that!
Thanks for the review!
x Report Review
Very interesting! This was a pretty good beginning chapter and I didn't find too many mistakes. This was the main one:
I know they're a couple of idiots, but they've never put anyway in the hospital before.
There should be qutoes at the end and anyway should be anyone.
Other than that great job! The flow was good and so is your characterization. It's interesting and I haven't read anything like this before.
I'd love to review more and I know that I said I'd be reviewing at least 2 chapters at a time, but for now I'll only review one. Please feel free to rerequest though! :) I'll review at least 2 chapters if you rerequest.
Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Oops. I\\\'ll go change that. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Thanks, and I\\\'ll definitely rerequest. Report Review
Oh my! That was amazing! Honestly, it's one of the best stories I've read! You did a great job! You really brought out the emotion and I even started to tear up! Which is really saying something because it takes a lot for a story to do that, especially a oneshot. As for the flow and dialogue I found nothing wrong. The story went along at just the right pace. This really brought up some memories of my own that's how amazing it was.
Great job! I'd love to read more of your work!
10/10Author's Response: Wow, thank you ever so much!
Your comments/compliments really mean a lot to me, because I was really working on the emotions and the dialogue. :)
Thanks for reviewing, and I\\\'m really happy you liked it :) Report Review
Hey, sorry it took so long to get this reviewed! :)
This was really good! I didn't find any mistakes and the characterization was good. I like the song. I think it fits just fine! You were able to put a lot of meaning into this, which can be hard for some people. Overall, I liked it. Keep up the great work. :)
Also, sorry it's so short. :( I'd be happy to review something else for you!Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'm glad you liked it!
Femme ^_^ Report Review
Excellent! Another great chapter! This one wasn't as slow as the first and I still haven't found any mistakes! The characterization is still going good. You're doing good with making all the girls different from each other. You're also good at describing things, but perhaps you should have a little more dialogue. That helps to move things along. Otherwise, awesome job! Please rerequest for more reviews! I really love this story and I'll gladly follow it!Author's Response: Wow, thanks again for a great review! I'm about to head over to the forums to re-request :)
I've had someone else say I should have more dialogue. It's not something I'd thought much about and it hadn't struck me when re-reading so obviously it's something I need to work on. I think there's more later on though once Laura gets more self confident, if that makes any sense.
Mel Report Review
This was really good! You have great characterization and I like how you're writing Mary's speech. It makes it more realistic. :) I didn't see any mistakes, which is always good! However, I do think this chapter was slow. The flow was good, it was just slow. Other than that, great job! I really like it.Author's Response: Thanks SayaEvange! I've had both good and bad feedback on Mary's dialogue (more good than bad though) so I'm glad you appreciate it. I hadn't heard slow for this chapter before, though, so that's probably something I need to think about.
Constructive is good!!
Mel Report Review
Well done. You're doing well with this story and I like it. My only thing is I don't understand why Albus is always with Rose. I understand that they're cousins, but he seems way too overprotective. Other than that, it's really good. Keep it up and let me know when the next chapter is up! I'll gladly review it for you!Author's Response: Thanks, I'm really glad you're liking it (:
I'm hoping to further develop why Albus is so protective of Rose in later chapters, so hopefully it will all make sense in the end for you (:
Thanks for the offer, I'll definitely pop by and ask (: Report Review
Another great chapter! I noticed that you sometimes leave out the punctuation when you're ending a quote. “You better watch your mouth, or I’ll just have to cast something on you to make sure you shut up” he scoffed. This is just an example. It's not a major thing, just something I noticed. Also, Rose is worried about her OWLS which are in 5th year, but Albus and Scorpius are 16. Those three are all the same age. Just thought I'd point that out. :)
This is really a great story and I like where you're going with this. Your chapters are short, so I would work on making them a little longer. Other than that, just keep it up!Author's Response: I am awful with punctuation XD Thanks for pointing that out, I have a beta for this story, so maybe she already has fixed these, I just have to edit in the beta'd version (:
I thought I had put them all in the same year, so they're all in OWL year. Although I had it where Rose would worry, whereas the other two wouldn't really talk about/worry much about it. I'll definitely re-read it and fix it up if I didn't make it clear (:
See, I used to be good at long chapters. I'll definitely work on making them longer (:
Thanks so much for the review, it was really helpful! Report Review
Very good! It was a nice little intro to your story! I only have on question...Where is James??
As for mistakes, I didn't see any. It's also well written and the length wasn't too bad. Although, if you wanted you could probably add more to this, but there is no real reason to.
Anyways, keep up the great work! :)Author's Response: Thanks! (:
Um, I kind of decided that he, being a year or two older than them, would kind of be off doing his own thing and such, so I decided to omit him and put Albus as the protective one. Not sure if that was a good idea on my part, but I thought it would be good since albus, rose and scorpius are all in the same year, so Albus would see Rose more.
Thanks so much for the input! It's very appreciated! Report Review
I've got to say, this is very good. I love the concept of it. However there were some things I think could be improved.
"Hundreds of people sat in hundred of chairs surrounding over fifty graves on a knoll downhill from the Shrieking Shack. The cemetery on the outskirts of Hogsmeade was to be the final resting place for over fifty victims of the Battle of Hogwarts. Two days hence, these fifty victims lost their lives and today they would be put to rest." This paragraph really doesn't flow well. I'm not entirely sure how you should fix it, but I would start by taking out some of the words that are repeated. It seems like you may have struggled with getting out the point of this.
"Harry coughed and the sound reverberated off of the distant trees causing Harry's coughing to linger in the air." Since reverberated basically refers to an echo you don't need to put in the second part of the sentence. It'd be better to leave it at trees.
"A drop of moisture fell from the dark, circling clouds above. Not a soul in on the knoll noticed that single drop." I think these two sentences would work better and have more meaning if they were combined. "A drop of moisture fell from the dark, circling clouds above, but not a soul noticed." (This is just an example).
I can see where you had wanted to go with this and the thought and meaning that goes into it. That part is excellent! I think you should try to expand your vocab a little though.
For example: You repeat hundreds a lot. Instead of saying hundreds you could mix it up with mass or the mass of people. Do you see where I'm going?
Other than that I think you did great! Perhaps you should look into getting a beta if you don't have one. I'd love to see more of your work so please drop by my thread again! I'll help you in anyway I can! Keep up the good work! :DAuthor's Response: Hello!
After looking at each and every one of your suggestions and taking them into consideration, once the queue is open, I will look at your suggestions.
I would like to highlight on one of your suggestions. You suggest that I get a beta, but I honestly don't see any reason for me to have one :]
Thank you for your review! :]
Haha very nice! This is definitely strangely funny! I didn't see any mistakes and it was a lot better written than the last chapter! :) Keep it up and let me know when the next chapter is posted! I love reading funny pieces like this!Author's Response: thanks I'm glad you liked it!
~madelgranger Report Review
Again, this was a great chapter! You have a lot of writing skill! I did find some mistakes, but all are little things.
"James was painfully and delicious alive." Delicious should be deliciously.
"We became sweethearts at the end of my fifteen year." Fifteen should be fifteenth.
"It was my first time and his firs time." Firs should be first.
"as did Sirius who morally obligated to the Order." I think it should be who was.
"At the time I left immense relief." Left should be felt.
Like I said, all little stuff! :) Keep up the work! I'll gladly review your next chapters, but please rerequest! :)Author's Response: Eeew, typo's. My kingdom for typo-proof writing. Thank you for pointing out specific examples, I find that so helpful. Honestly I don't see the typos because I'm so close to the work, it really goes take another set of eyes. I shall attend to them post hast and drop by your thread for more yummy reviews. Thanks!
BB Report Review
Wow...that was really good!!! I can definitely tell that you've been writing for a while! You're excellent at it! I didn't see any mistakes. This is completely awesome and I really like it! Great work!!! :DAuthor's Response: Ooooh, compliments will get you everywhere!
I'm so excited you liked this chapter. This story was another one of those that just had to be written and it all came out in about two days! I was pretty amazed actually...
Anyway, thank you for the review. I appreciate it!
BB Report Review
Excellent! I think your characterization is good and so is the plot, but with only one chapter there is only so much I can say about that. I didn't see any mistakes. It was a good prologue although a little long for my tastes, but that's just me. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Hi Saya!
Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'm so glad you liked the prologue, even if it was a bit too long. ;) I'll have to go back and get rid of some of the unnecessary prose. ^_^ Thanks again! Take care!
celticbard Report Review
This is really good! I'm definitely interested. I didn't find any mistakes and your characterization is good. You have a good writing style too. Keep it up! I'd glady follow this for you! Just let me know when the next chapter is up! :)Author's Response: Wow, thank you! I will!
LM Report Review
Very good! I haven't read a lot of Lily/James, but I'm enjoying this! I didn't see any mistakes really. The pacing did seem kind of slow, but I'm sure that will pick up. Great job though! Keep it up! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! I'm really glad that you liked it! Thanks for reviewing!
LM Report Review
AWESOME!!! This was an amazing story! Great job on it! I didn't find any mistakes and it flowed pretty nice. There really isn't anything for me to point out! It was just really good. Keep up the great work!!Author's Response: Thanks a bunch! I'm so glad you liked it! Report Review
Really good. I like this story a lot! I haven't seen as many mistakes as the first chapter which is always good. :) However, this sentence doesn't flow very well: "She snarled at him, staring him directly in the eyes, her eyes seemed to change colour as she stared into his cold hard eyes." This isn't a huge problem, but it can distract the reader. Awesome story though! Please feel free to rerequest reviews!Author's Response: Hmm, i\\\'ll have a look at the sentence structure i\\\'ve never noticed that before, thats why its always good to have an outside view on things.
Thanks again =] Report Review
Awesome! I'm really interested in this story. You're doing a great job with it! Keep it up! :DAuthor's Response: Thankyou so much, im really glad youre liking it so far =] Report Review
That was awesome! :) That was the first Molly/Arthur fic I've read and I thoroughly enjoyed it! Keep up the great work! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm finding that a lot of people haven't read any Molly/Arthur fics, so I want to make sure they get a good impression! Thanks again!
~nicky Report Review
You have a really interesting story here. I like how you didn't wait to start some action. You had a nice pace too. You said that a beta looked over this, but there are still some errors. There weren't a whole lot, but some. You could always ask for a couple of people to look over. It can never hurt to have more than one person look over your work. People don't pick up on all of the same things. Other than that, I think it's great! I really like this story and where it's going. Keep up the work! :DAuthor's Response: Right ok I'll look into getting someone else to read through the chapters I've got, thanks for that =]
And thankyou for the positivity (it's always good to hear)
Thanks again. Report Review
It was his eyes, Doge has decided. Elphias Doge walked down the front walk and very gently open. I noticed that you used the wrong tense in these two sentences and a couple others. Other than that I didn't find anything wrong. Great job! You're an excellent writer. Let me know if you ever want me to review something again. :)Author's Response: Oh my gosh, you're totally right about the tense! No one's ever pointed that out before and I am way too close to the work, I'd never see it. I'll go through and clean that up, thanks.
I really appreciate the reviews, maybe I'll drop by your thread again!
BB Report Review
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