Err... My initial impression... Did I miss a chapter? The beginning came out of nowhere... YOu might want to add some little line, something in the beginning, introducing the fact that Bartemius is with him... A thought, or something? It came out of nowhere.
I found it interesting that Bartemius attached himself to Regulus now that Topher is gone. I wonder what he's trying to get out of Regulus. That said, he's a bit siccophantic, and I guess in the absence of Voldemorte, Bartemius can worship Regulus. (That is what he's after, isn't it? A chance to meet Voldemort?)
But I really like your 'dog'. He lightened the mood considerably. Which was a nice change. (Considering the 'dog's reaction to insults agains James, Remus and Peter, I can guess at a better name for him!) ;-)
Anyway, I really enjoyed this chapter.
GailAuthor's Response: I think you missed this -âDon't wanna see your brother?â came the voice of Bartemius as the boy hurried up behind Regulus.-
Barty wasn't with him. He followed him. Thus Regulus being angry about hearing him. :)
Yes, that is what he wants. He knows Regulus can get him there, so he's doing what he can. Granted he actually comes to enjoy Regulus' company in actuality, but his motives were always Voldemort based. That'll come up later in the story and he'll actually answer everything for himself. :)
I like to give Regulus happy moments. Such a harsh life I feel he deserves a bit of fun. :) And yeah, the 'dog' does a lot of clear things as time goes on.
Thank you for another lovely review! --Jenna Report Review
Hmm... I wonder what the story is with the random dog... Or is it meant to be Padfoot, looking out for Regulus?
I'm glad Sirius tried another of his little talks with Regulus. Someday, perhaps Regulus will understand what Sirius was trying to do. Perhaps forgive him? Maybe? Before that fateful day in the cave? Please?
Just one little thing, when Sirius is talking to Regulus his eyes narrow 'in upset.' I think you meant 'in anger'? Or perhaps fury/irritiation/defense of his brother... Something else.Author's Response: Yeah, the doggy is Sirius. It becomes more clear as the story goes on. :)
Oh yes! If you notice in the very first chapter, Regulus is in Sirius' room when he's preparing to die. He certainly understands the mistakes he's made by then.
It's like "being upset". To be upset over something. Like being distressed and saddened. :)
Thank you so much for reviewing!! --Jenna Report Review
No! Don't tell me Regulus is really going to go through with it? Despite knowing that Sarah is not right for him, at all! I can't really believe he can see his future with sarah in his parent's marriage, and is still not strong enough to walk away. Especially with the offer from Sirius still there. You've done an amazing job creating Regulus's character. He's very real, but in that, he's also very weak. Part of me wishes he'd wise up, but that's not how this story goes, huh?Author's Response: Haha maybe. You'll just have to keep reading and see how Sarah and he play out. :)
Oh so true :( I hate knowing that I can't really change the end of his story. There's no happy ending for poor Regulus.
Thank you again for reviewing. :) --Jenna Report Review
The best bit of this chapter was the ending. You've really made Kreature loveable. It's in the scenes between Kreature and Regulus that I most believe your story. For some reason, you've managed to create, in just a few sparse paragraphs in intermittant chapters, a real relationship that explains, and even fuels, the actions taken by Regulus when he discovers how Voldemort treats Kreature. I always wondered how Regulus could 'join up' and then change his mind after he heard Kreature's story... But you've managed to make Kreature a little bright spot in a cruel life, and in so doing, provide the answer.
Great end of chapter!Author's Response: Thank you. I really wanted to use the brief times with Kreacher to establish that connection that JK showed. On both sides, since Kreacher was so devoted to Regulus even years after his death.
I've got a few more things to fuel Regulus' decision planned. Knreacher's story is just like the straw that breaks the camel's back for him. :)
Thank you so much for your review. --Jenna Report Review
Thank you! It's great to finally see Regulus admit the truth to Sarah. Now, finally this farce shall end.
Anyway, I guess I should apologise, I'm always desperate to get to the next chapter, that I never want to stop, to leave a review. But this chapter was great. I really feel for Regulus, being caught between expectation and what he really is. Being caught between Sarah's insistance that he tell her the truth, and his knowledge of what that truth is. You captured it well. And, I have to say I was almost cheering when Regulus finally answered Sarah.
This is probably a very difficult story to write, but you do it quite well. So thank you for all the wonderful chapters. I'm off to read a few more!Author's Response: Oh, I wish it could end. But there's still a bit of Sarah to come. :(
Hehe don't apologize, that's a compliment that you wanted to keep going!
Your words are so kind, thank you! --Jenna Report Review
What happened to letters being in italics? It was so much easier to identify the difference between the letter and the thoughts of the recipient when the italics demarcated the letter.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the bit where Al and Scorpius were talking about whether they should team up. I especally laughed at the whole next Dark Lord in Hufflepuff--just so no one would suspect--thing.
And the bit about disembowling in the ladies toilet. I can just imagine how Scorpuis heard THAT story! Brilliant!
Best by far, was Al's thought about how, once people suspected you of being manipulative once, they suspected everything you said/did.
I also liked Harry's words of warning on what made a friendship, and Al's interpretation. If ANYONE was meant to be in Slytherin, Al definately was!Author's Response: Formatting error on my part. Sorry!
The next Dark Lord also knits and keeps kittens. As test subjects.
"So there I was, innocently minding my own business in the ladies'-"
"Don't make faces. - when suddenly Harry Potter jumps out and maims me completely without provocation! That's what happened."
"Father, I suspect that you are embroidering on the truth a little."
Still, you'd think Harry "Why Yes, I Am God" Potter would be able to come up with a battle strategy that didn't involve chopping someone in half. Score's in first year and he can do Stunning Spells, yet somehow Harry Potter, who is allegedly quite good at DADA, couldn't do the same? Rubbish.
Thank you! That's exactly what I was going for - a nice, but very Slytheriny perspective.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I loved the bit with Faith and Scorpius and her essay. Again, it was a great way to portray his character a bit more. I also liked how Avery told Al not to let Faith copy his (Al's) essay, as it would teach her better time management.
Why did Al stay up so late, though? Just to see how Faith got on with it?Author's Response: Yes, pretty much.
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Ah. So Al has discovered Rita's trick. Good for him. Now maybe he can report it? Or blackmail her into stopping her nasty writing habits. Worked before, after all.
I want to know what Teddy was going on about. What was Victiore's trick? Aside from the 'internation co-operation' bit that got her high marks from Percy. (How could it not?)
Great Chapter.Author's Response: That was what I meant. Possibly I used the wrong word.
Percy loves international co-operation! It gives him warm fuzzies.
Thank you! Report Review
LOL! 'It occurred to him that Slytherin might have warped his mind.' Yeah, I agree, feeling upset that Al hadn't been the one asked to 'kill' someone is definately evidence of Al's warped mind. (But in a good, very Slytherin-ish way.) I really liked that bit, I have to say. Report Review
James is a little... childish here. I honestly think he's behaving quite a bit younger than his 12/3 years. Report Review
Awww, poor Al! Everytime he tries to do something nice, someone else gets the credit. Like James and those badges, and now saving Rosie, and she won't even know it. And the whole thing about Rosie wanting to be smarter than Al explains why everyone in the family thinks he's so tick-witted. I was beginning to wonder about it last chapter. Report Review
I thought the image of Harry teaching Al to get under the cloak, unseen, while his parents were battling evil wizards, the house was on fire and he was holding onto Lily was priceless. Every parent's worst nightmare, that!
I also really liked how you told the story of each Champion's battle from their point of view. It was fun to see it from their view point, and to see how they thought through their task. You really captured the complexity of the task of battling each creature by doing so. And it illustrated beautifully what the Task was testing.
I also really like that both Al and James always seem to know what's in the Auror's handbook. Can just see them sneaking it and reading it together, whilst arguing, whilst growing up. Report Review
I really like Avery. Best of your characters. You've really captured how an older student might police younger ones without getting too involved. I also like how Avery's always studing, and yet always trying to protect his little firsties. I'm hero-worshipping a bit, but great character. Report Review
I liked the insight into Scorpius's world. So he's watching Al, because he doesn't trust that Al's trying to be nice, and thinks he's up to something... And, in a sense, Al is. I really like Scorpius here, and I'm glad that his parents at least THOUGHT of Drumstrang for him. It might have been less 'character building' if he'd been at a school that didnt' hate him on sight for the past...
Great Chapter. Report Review
Loved Harry's reaction to the DP article. Just LOVED it. What really sold the whole scene was Hermione rushing to Harry's office, trying to get there BEFORE Harry read the article, and then trying desperatly not to let Harry do something stupid. Beautifully in character for all three of them. And Rita's articles, as well, sound just like her. Great job there.
Just wish Harry would actually tell Al what little beetle to look out for. Then the Slytherins could all be on the watch for the horrible journalist.
Oh, and the line about Al spending too much time with Hermione... So Ron! Report Review
Absolutely LOVE Harry's statement to the Ministry about Draco and Lucius after the war. Priceless!
I also enjoyed the whole 'Al's not very smart' bit. It's interesting how Harry kept his kids in the dark about so much stuff that everyone else knows. But then, who'd want to re-live it and possibly scare their kids? Not to mention the fact that it's all very in keeping with the epilogue in DH. Report Review
LOL! 'On a scale of one to Voldemort'! I LOVE it!
So part one of Al's plan is fixated on Scorpius. Cute. I also really liked how Al used his knowledge of what Rosie was like to get Ravenclaws talking. That showed insight on his part. Too bad he can't use it on Scorpius. But I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually.
Also vastly amused by the Doxy scene. Scorpius's quick thinking saved them all. And Al's thought that 'no one had ever defeated a dark wizard by TALKING' -- How did Harry spin his defeat over Voldemort to his kids? Cause 'expelliarmus' is not a very advanced spell, and he did quite a bit of talking first. Report Review
I listened to the first two chapters of this on the podcast, and thought it was brilliant, actually. So I came along to read more. (I'll try and remember to review those as podcasts over there.)
I love your style, it really captures the essence of eleven-year-old thought pattern. While very well edited, its also clearly designed to move the story forward. You do an excellent job of using minimal description to create a very busy picture in the reader's head about everything that is going on at once around Al, without making him tooo observant and un-characteristic.
You've also done an amazing job creating destinct characters. I love that James is overdramatic. Rosie always wants to fit in, but can feel guilty about it. Faith is a bit bossy and over-whelming, but quick to try and perk up Al's feelings. Scorpius is very interesting, in his refusal to comment on anything. I wonder why that is? Was he raised to not excite talk from others, or is he naturally a pragmatist? Anyway, they're all great characters, so far. I especailly like both Avery and Lia as prefects in Slytherin.
My favourite scene so far was when Kitty was trading Biros with the Gryffindor boy and Professor Hunt took them away WORDLESSLY and gave her quill and ink instead. It just felt like such a teacher moment. (Does that make sense?)
Definately a great chapter. And a great story over all.
Gail Report Review
Brilliant. I could bearly hold in the tears! Sorry, it's too moving to write a long review. It just felt so... real. And brought back memories of how I cried the first time I read about Colin's death. Again... brilliant. There's nothing else that can be said.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! You're too kind :) Report Review
Good one-shot. I particularly liked the way you introduced Remus at the start. I loved how Remus seemed to wrestle with the difference between Sirius the 'friend' and Sirius the 'betrayer'. It was very poingient. As was the concluding paragraph.
I liked how Remus didn't equate the death of James and Peter merely with a loss of life, but also a loss of friendship and HOPE. That was brilliantly done. It seemed very realistic to me that Remus would equate the friendship he shared with his fellow marauders with HOPE, especially when you consider that one of the four betrayed the others...
I also liked the introduction of the Auror checking the train before it is ready to depart, just in case Siruis Black turned up. The use of the security question was well done! Brought back memories of Dumbledore and Harry's conversation in HBP.
One thing, though... It would be nice if you took a look at your verb tenses. There were several places where you slipped into the present tense. It was jarring. Worse, though, was when you used the present tense during a short memory of Remus's about his discussion with Dumbledore when the latter hired him. It's an easy fix, so I highly recommend taking a look.
GailAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review. I will look into the tense of verb changes. Report Review
I found this wholly by accident... Clicked the 'random story' link. It's cute. I had a fun time reading it. I really liked how the Dursley's were cowering under the seats the whole time. And the little bit about how Al really liked muggle snacks was very humaising. Its kinda fun when the Magic world gets turned on its head and muggle things are cool to wizarding kids... Just the way wizarding sweets were so facinating to Harry.
I do think it would benefit for a slower, more detailed accounting over all. For instance, more description to balance out the dialogue would be a big help. More detail (as if in slow motion, perhaps?) of Al falling into the tracks and Harry jumping in to save him might really help create the picture in your audience's minds.
Anyway, as I said, it's cute. I'm only adding the suggestions to help you out.Author's Response: I honestly wrote this with minimal effort, haha. It's a piece of fluff that I wrote randomly one night. If I have time I might go back and edit it and definitely take ur voice into consideration. Thanks for the revieww. Report Review
Hmm... I think you need to go into more detail as to WHY the girls are worried about Zuz. I get it, her parents won't like her dating Caradoc. But that's not enough to have Kim trailing the couple around. In fact, it might just cause the opposite, the girls might try to help the couple hide. So if there is more to it that that... please elaborate. Because Kim's concern seems a bit out of nowhere.
I really thought the scene with Otto was cute. Especially how Addie keeps trying to shut Kim up before she digs any deeper. Kim keeps missing the point. I found the whole thing very funny, and realistic.
Good chapter.Author's Response: Sorry for not responding sooner! Thank you for being such a dedicated reviewer. I think you have a good point about Addie and Kim's response to Zuz. I glossed over that section without really explaining fully...I'm debating going back and editing the chapter, or just making their feelings clearer in a later chapter. Leaning towards the latter, but I'll keep your comment in mind.
I'm really glad you liked the scene with Otto! He's quickly becoming my favorite character.
Hope to hear from you again soon. ^_^
xoxo wenderbender Report Review
I was really intreguied with your notion that Slytherins have individual rooms. That was an idea I'd never thought of, and certainly have never come across in any other story. It makes sense, when you think about Slytherin and all the secretative things they seem to get up to.
I liked the way you dealt with Severus's greasy hair issue. Not enough money for shampoo, not sure whether wizards use a spell to keep his hair clean. What's a half-blood to do? I just wonder how long he'll be able to go without showering before he starts to stink, and the teachers complain!
So, I guess you've got me wondering what happens to Lucy as a half-blood in Slytherin. Does she fit in, or does she disappear? And why was the hat so insistant she belongs in Slytherin? She seems outgoing, and ... er ... nice.
Great chapter!Author's Response: I apologize for taking so long to respond. It's been an very busy week.
I had been playing with the idea of the Slytherin walls moulding into individual chambers for each student. I grew up with my own room, and when I went to college and had to share a dorm room, the lack of privacy was really hard to adjust to. (This was about 100 years ago, but still.) So I imagined these traditionally elitist and wealthy Slytherins needed sleeping arrangements that reflected their specialness. It would also make life a little easier for kids like Severus and Lucy, who didn't really fit in.
I think Severus' hygiene issues have to be dealt with somehow. He obviously wasn't raised to treat personal cleanliness as a priority. There was no money for extras such as soap, and no hot water. Severus will learn to do better for himself (maybe Slughorn will have a word with him; maybe Lily's father will send her some samples). However, he is also prone to be depressed; and he tends not to take care of himself.
As to Lucy: I needed to fill out the Slytherin roster somehow, and to give Severus someone to talk to at meals. My theory is that heredity counts for a lot, and the Bulstrodes go back a very long way. In any case, Lucy will be an credit to Slytherin (if I ever get those planned chapters written). And, there are nice Slytherins. Slughorn, for all his social climbing, is pretty nice. And there's Andromeda Black, who, as far as I can see, was in Slytherin with the rest of her family, minus Sirius.
Thanks so much. Report Review
Excellent job portraying Addie's confusion over her feelings of Rabastan. Not only was it realistic, but I liked how you haven't made it clear either to Addie or to the reader how she really feels or what is going on with him.
Your 'romance scene' was perfect. You did a great job letting Rabastan to corner Addie. And when he fingered her hair and commented on the smell, well, while I've never known a man to do so in real-life, it is straight out of a romance novel. You've actually got me torn. Is Rabastan playing a part to get Addie to do something specific, or is he really attracted to her?Author's Response: Thanks for the reviews! I saw them and thought--ah that's right...I haven't posted in a while.
Anyway, I'm glad you liked the romance portion. I'm not a very romantic person and I've never read a romance novel, so I was a bit nervous about writing that scene. I've never seen a guy do the hair thing in real life either, but I saw something similar in a movie recently, and that's where I got the idea.
I'm hoping to develop Addie/Rabastan's relationship a bit more in the next chapters, and given Addie's penchant for eavesdropping I doubt that Rabastan will be able to keep his intentions a secret for long!
xoxo wenderbender Report Review
Ok, well I'd ask 'what does Remus know that I don't?' But I'm not sure he knows anything. I am surprised he even tried to talk to a Slytherin, but then again, he was always the more sensitive one of the Marauders. I really liked how Addie discovered ALL the human transfig books missing... Curtasy of the Marauding four, I presume?
I wonder about Addie's reaction to the Werewolves book... But then, I still wonder if Addie's dad is a werewolf.
Intreguing chapter! Report Review
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